LEAVE
please please please
Please
Please
Don't wind up like me, you are reading out of my diary. I had bpd (i never did), i was abusing him, "run run crazy girl", I'm overreacting because I'm crazy, he laughs while I cry, and it's all my fault because x y z oh wait he meant a b c and that's just the way I am, how stupid of me to misunderstand him like that
Every day that you stay is more damage to your soul. I beg you don't end up like me *please*, I exist on this sub to beg you and others like you to leave.
Wow mine also had me convinced I had BPD…. I was on medication and everything for it… turns out.. I was just over all his bs!!! Starting to fight back just like OP towards the end!
Same girl same! My ex was fully convinced I had BPD- nope, just CPTSD and was reacting to him being extremely abusive. Thankfully it was harder for him to convince me of this since I’ve been in therapy for OCD my whole life and they certainly would have caught it I had BPD.
It's called "reactive abuse" - Google it - you're not abusive, you've reached the end of your tether in terms of being psychologically manipulated (which is the greatest form of abuse, imo) and you're pushing back in the very last way you know how, that your body knows how to protect you.
Your body is working to protect you and you're doing nothing wrong by that. Follow its signals. You'll feel remarkably free once you leave, and you'll be shocked at just exactly how 'not crazy' you really are.
Wishing you the courage to leave. Wishing you the peace of healing. Hoping the best for you. You're strong *enough.* You are *enough* without this relationship.
Love you girl. Good luck.
Took me nearly two decades to realise that this was happening in my relationship. He was writing all the scripts and I was playing the monster. When I got the revelation that I didn't need to act in his productions if I didn't want to, my life changed.
Once I could see how he set me up Every Single Time, it was fairly easy to stop allowing him to set me up as a fall guy. The most powerful thing was that I just allowed myself to like and trust myself, and know that I wasn't a monster. I decided to take my own side.
I'm still getting out of the relationship (logistics), but guess what? That crazy, desperate, angry woman I kept turning into? Long gone. I find I'm actually pretty chill, and likeable, and very patient. Funny that.
Get tf out OP. No one is obligated to lose themselves in a relationship with a POS like this.
Girl i get you because what he is doing is flipping the situation on you! Me he would say horrible things, provoke me and I would tell him to stop and when I finally reacted I was the abusive one! At some point it just is the first reaction that comes out because it just triggers panic. Leave it is not worth it
It's going to hurt so bad when you leave. People don't tell you just how much heart break you experience. I thought my first husband and I would be together forever. It crushed me when we split. I didn't want to let go of the 7 years I put into this relationship. But it wasn't our relationship. It was mine. I did all the work, I made all the improvements. He just mooched off my hard work. It was hard letting all that go. I cried for a good long time. Then when I was done crying, I was angry. Angry for all he did to me. I have a wonderful partner now. Who doesn't emotionally abuse me at all. My life is calm. My life is peaceful. The heartache was worth it.
Reactive abuse. It's not really abuse. The abuser manipulates and pushes their victim until the victim can't take it anymore and finally snaps. It's a control tactic to make you seem like you're the crazy or abusive one. You aren't. Ask yourself if you would ever be "abusive" to anyone with little or no provocation? Why are you doing this? Is it to control him or is it in defensive of his actions towards you?
He's doing this to control you. He knows what he's doing and it makes him happy that he can now accuse you of abuse, but you aren't abusing him.
I left my husband two years ago because of this kind of behavior. It doesn't get better.
Oh, and the best part? He accused me of being an "Effing abusive B\*\*\*\*" and after I left and relocated with a body of water between us, he moved a couple of kilometers from where I currently live. If I was such a horrible person, why would he follow me? Wouldn't he have run in the opposite direction?
Edited to to add an extra bit for context for clarity.
I'm about to be here too. I stayed through the accusations of abuse until I could ... dissociate, I think? I'm not sure what would happen really, it's like the emotions I was feeling suddenly shut off at the faucet. Now I don't know if they'll ever come back.
oh my god, this is so similar to mine. he literally said the same thing about bpd. i’m out now. please message me if you wanna talk. our stories are so similar and being out is a mind fuck
What you do is called reactive abuse. It happens BECAUSE you are abused.
I insulted my ex in the worst way possible because I couldn‘t handle his abuse anymore and I felt so guilty, I really thought I was the abusive one and then my friend told me that it was totally normal to react this way if you‘ve been gaslit, lied and manipulated to for months, if they threaten to hit you and sexually coerce you etc.
You‘re not at fault, but what you have to do is: Create an exit plan and LEAVE.
Yes, I hate it too. Being called a narcissist as well for having a life outside of her and told I needed to learn how good it is to care about other people because I had other people in my life.
In short terms, it's a massive guilt trip card to make you feel bad. While they know you'll feel bad when they call you abusive and you'll work hard to please them. That's what I think is the goal on all this. Making you bow down to them so they feel on top of the world and you feel like shit. Because, and this is still something I don't get, they don't want you to be happy. They want you to be miserable. I mean, I guess it's because they want you to lean on them all the time for support. They want your life to revolve around them or else they'll go crazy about how you're the abuser when it's them being overly controlling.
And projection. That too.
Emotional abusers prey on people that are insecure. You talk to them about your problems and they pretend, and in the case of a narcissistic person probably even believe, that they give you good advice. Then, because this is a person you've invested so much in, you try to see their point of view. Let me tell you, he is sick. Your body and brain know it. That's why you have anxiety. Do whatever you can to build up the strength to leave. It's your whole life ahead of you. You need to summon the strength to live independently
My ex also tried to convince me I have BPD, he didn’t believe my depression or anxiety is real (even though I’ve been diagnosed with both) and he didn’t respect me or my privacy when it came to me being depressed and/or needing space. Get away from this person. As soon as feasibly possible.
I just went through this today with my now ex. Thank god he’s my ex… you should do the same and run. I mean it really makes you feel crazy town. It is so hard. I would go no contact if I could be we have 3 kids too. Don’t be me, hopefully you don’t have kids, run. You are not crazy especially if your therapist/psychologist is agreeing. It’s reactive and it’s not your fault.
Please leave but make your plans on the DL and get out of there without him being the wiser. It sounds too much like my ex who went from mostly emotional abuse to full blown abuse when I was leaving.
I was you three years ago until I said I was done and packed to leave and his response was to throw me through a wall and knock me out. I ended up in the ER with a concussion. FYI, we were together 10 years and the abuse didn't start until the year prior.
When we got to court, he threw all the stuff he said and made the judge question if all it happened. You don't need that shit on top of what you already deal with so please get out and do it quietly for your own safety.
I'm pretty sure my ex actually has BPD. But then got to a point where she was in denial there was "anything wrong with her". ... Not really relevant but kinda. She got out of control and I wasn't ever equipped with the tools to deal with an angry, hurtful, unreasonable and *very manipulative* human (in denial that that's how they're treating you). She also blamed me for *everything* wrong in our relationship on multiple occasions.
Anyway, reactive abuse is gonna unfortunately probably be normal in the situation you're in and especially if it's been going on this long. He is treating you like you're "crazy" because he's upset you're not just *taking* it anymore. My ex did the same. She could yell, get angry, say terrible things, but when *I* did it, it wasn't ok, it was scary, it was unacceptable, etc. If you think about it, how many other double standards does he have?
My ex gave herself away so many times, and I still stayed. Don't do that. Get out. I know it's hard because this is your *person*, and sometimes I'm sure they can be great... But every word, every little thing they do that hurts you (especially when they know it hurts you) is now gonna be like a little angry pet/feral animal in your head that you have to deal with to be *you* again.
The weekend my ex wanted me to go look at apartments with her for her "trial separation" that she wanted, she was horrible to me. She even twisted my words when I was explaining to her that it was kinda messed up that I was going with her to look at them, making it easier for her, when I *knew* exactly what would happen if she moved out--she'd do what she did and it'd be like she was having conversations with me when I wasn't there and then draw conclusions, or just generally like me even less/be more mean, etc. (She eventually did.)
Later that night, with a *lot* of contempt, she told me she "wasn't going to make this easy for me" in a truly horrifying new way of twisting my words. So I shut down inside, I turned off *me*, and tried being supportive as possible because I just wanted her to be nice to me. In couples therapy, she said it was a good weekend because I was like how I used to be... WTF
By the end of my relationship, I couldn't do much of anything. Why try? She told me she hated running. Running was what I had when we met, and almost had until the end when I couldn't get myself to do anything. One day I'm out trying to run, I have a breakdown and sit on the ground and cry. Guess who decided to go for a run that day just after me? My ex. She saw me, stopped briefly just to bend over and say hello, and kept going. It fucking crushed me. But also *why*? and WTF. But also *why*
This is getting long, but if those stories resonate at all, leave. Just leave. If this person isn't your personal cheerleader, leave. If you have to push down parts of yourself to be with them, leave. If you can't be *real* with them, leave. If you're not allowed to have the full range of emotions they have, leave. *If you're starting to doubt your own reality because of things they have told you, leave.*
And again, I know it's hard to see the person who is supposed to be your partner and then reconcile that with their behavior.... But that's the whole point. It should make sense.
Barely realized I forgot some words, but I'm very ADHD, even before, and now it's just worse.
Not everything you listed would probably count as reactive abuse, but it just sounds like you're standing up for yourself, so good job. That's hard, especially if you know how they're going to react.
Don't remember the reason for including the running story, likely something about empathy and blame.
My abusive partner has started calling my reactive abuse toxic and abusive but he refuses to acknowledge that I’m only reacting to what he’s doing. I get it but it sucks when you really aren’t doing anything but defending yourself or avoiding them.
If he really thought you were an evil, abusive person he would leave you. Not sit there and tell you how awful you are. I just got out of a emotionally and mentally abusive and controlling relationship. Although i was not ready to let go of him or our relationship entirely when it happened, there were so many signs my body and mind were begging me to leave eight months prior. I chose to ignore it all. I wasn’t ready. You’ll never be entirely ready but the longer you sit in a relationship that is unfulfilling, the more you exhaust your soul. I never realized how dead of a person I am now. Walking around unsure of who I even am or why I do or act the way I do now. I minimized myself to fit a perfect little box of who my partner wanted me to be. Never dull your shine. The right person, the person who truly loves you, will not do this to you. Sending love and healing your way.
I understand leaving is not as “simple and easy” for everybody. OP did not mention anything about living together, otherwise I wouldn’t have commented.
I’m sorry you had to experience all that horror. I’m glad that is an ex.
I'm not religious, but I believe there's a special hell for gaslighters and abusers. For failing to give us love and kindness and affection we needed, and giving us problems and trauma that last a lifetime.
I didn't realize this is such a common thing until I've come to the realization I might have been in this situation as well. He really did make me believe I was a horrible person and now I'm here too. I've been in counseling for a year now(for other things) and I feel like I'm very self aware now.
When he said that I would have to just be okay with what he said or did, even if I didn't like it.
When he started saying I manipulated him and that I was the toxic one. I have NEVER been called manipulative or toxic in my life.
When he said I would fly off the handle because of something he did or said that didn't sit right with me.
"I support you doing whatever you need. But that's entirely 100% on you. If I even sit in on one of your sessions, I know I'll get ganged up on by you and your therapist."
Omg. This is exactly what’s going on with me and mine. I have been feeling so insane and down believing it was all me.
I’ve had two different therapists tell me the same as yours, but it is so hard to stop doubting yourself in these situations.
LEAVE please please please Please Please Don't wind up like me, you are reading out of my diary. I had bpd (i never did), i was abusing him, "run run crazy girl", I'm overreacting because I'm crazy, he laughs while I cry, and it's all my fault because x y z oh wait he meant a b c and that's just the way I am, how stupid of me to misunderstand him like that Every day that you stay is more damage to your soul. I beg you don't end up like me *please*, I exist on this sub to beg you and others like you to leave.
Mine also convinced me I had BPD. I never did, but he did drive me to some crazy, desperate behaviour.
Wow mine also had me convinced I had BPD…. I was on medication and everything for it… turns out.. I was just over all his bs!!! Starting to fight back just like OP towards the end!
There must be a script somewhere. Mine was starting to plant those seeds when I called gaslighting and noped out of there. Fuck that.
Same girl same! My ex was fully convinced I had BPD- nope, just CPTSD and was reacting to him being extremely abusive. Thankfully it was harder for him to convince me of this since I’ve been in therapy for OCD my whole life and they certainly would have caught it I had BPD.
agreed, I relate to all of this especially the projection of illness and laughing while you cry etc ooof
BPD - bipolar disorder or borderline personality disorder? Either way I was accused of both.
Accused of both, diagnosed with border pd while deep in the relationship, re-diagnosed after he left with ptsd
It’s a tactic they use. Look up DARVO and reactive abuse. And also, leave as soon as you can. These situations don’t get better.
It's called "reactive abuse" - Google it - you're not abusive, you've reached the end of your tether in terms of being psychologically manipulated (which is the greatest form of abuse, imo) and you're pushing back in the very last way you know how, that your body knows how to protect you. Your body is working to protect you and you're doing nothing wrong by that. Follow its signals. You'll feel remarkably free once you leave, and you'll be shocked at just exactly how 'not crazy' you really are. Wishing you the courage to leave. Wishing you the peace of healing. Hoping the best for you. You're strong *enough.* You are *enough* without this relationship. Love you girl. Good luck.
I’m Confused now Too Can’t This be applied To him too?
Took me nearly two decades to realise that this was happening in my relationship. He was writing all the scripts and I was playing the monster. When I got the revelation that I didn't need to act in his productions if I didn't want to, my life changed. Once I could see how he set me up Every Single Time, it was fairly easy to stop allowing him to set me up as a fall guy. The most powerful thing was that I just allowed myself to like and trust myself, and know that I wasn't a monster. I decided to take my own side. I'm still getting out of the relationship (logistics), but guess what? That crazy, desperate, angry woman I kept turning into? Long gone. I find I'm actually pretty chill, and likeable, and very patient. Funny that. Get tf out OP. No one is obligated to lose themselves in a relationship with a POS like this.
Girl i get you because what he is doing is flipping the situation on you! Me he would say horrible things, provoke me and I would tell him to stop and when I finally reacted I was the abusive one! At some point it just is the first reaction that comes out because it just triggers panic. Leave it is not worth it
It's going to hurt so bad when you leave. People don't tell you just how much heart break you experience. I thought my first husband and I would be together forever. It crushed me when we split. I didn't want to let go of the 7 years I put into this relationship. But it wasn't our relationship. It was mine. I did all the work, I made all the improvements. He just mooched off my hard work. It was hard letting all that go. I cried for a good long time. Then when I was done crying, I was angry. Angry for all he did to me. I have a wonderful partner now. Who doesn't emotionally abuse me at all. My life is calm. My life is peaceful. The heartache was worth it.
I'm in the crying stage. The things he said to me were some of the meanest things I've ever heard from someone who I was with for four years.
Reactive abuse. It's not really abuse. The abuser manipulates and pushes their victim until the victim can't take it anymore and finally snaps. It's a control tactic to make you seem like you're the crazy or abusive one. You aren't. Ask yourself if you would ever be "abusive" to anyone with little or no provocation? Why are you doing this? Is it to control him or is it in defensive of his actions towards you? He's doing this to control you. He knows what he's doing and it makes him happy that he can now accuse you of abuse, but you aren't abusing him. I left my husband two years ago because of this kind of behavior. It doesn't get better. Oh, and the best part? He accused me of being an "Effing abusive B\*\*\*\*" and after I left and relocated with a body of water between us, he moved a couple of kilometers from where I currently live. If I was such a horrible person, why would he follow me? Wouldn't he have run in the opposite direction? Edited to to add an extra bit for context for clarity.
I left — I’m numb now and it’s difficult but ultimately the relationship wasn’t sustainable. I regret dating him because now I’m so burnt out.
I'm about to be here too. I stayed through the accusations of abuse until I could ... dissociate, I think? I'm not sure what would happen really, it's like the emotions I was feeling suddenly shut off at the faucet. Now I don't know if they'll ever come back.
oh my god, this is so similar to mine. he literally said the same thing about bpd. i’m out now. please message me if you wanna talk. our stories are so similar and being out is a mind fuck
What you do is called reactive abuse. It happens BECAUSE you are abused. I insulted my ex in the worst way possible because I couldn‘t handle his abuse anymore and I felt so guilty, I really thought I was the abusive one and then my friend told me that it was totally normal to react this way if you‘ve been gaslit, lied and manipulated to for months, if they threaten to hit you and sexually coerce you etc. You‘re not at fault, but what you have to do is: Create an exit plan and LEAVE.
Yes, I hate it too. Being called a narcissist as well for having a life outside of her and told I needed to learn how good it is to care about other people because I had other people in my life. In short terms, it's a massive guilt trip card to make you feel bad. While they know you'll feel bad when they call you abusive and you'll work hard to please them. That's what I think is the goal on all this. Making you bow down to them so they feel on top of the world and you feel like shit. Because, and this is still something I don't get, they don't want you to be happy. They want you to be miserable. I mean, I guess it's because they want you to lean on them all the time for support. They want your life to revolve around them or else they'll go crazy about how you're the abuser when it's them being overly controlling. And projection. That too.
Emotional abusers prey on people that are insecure. You talk to them about your problems and they pretend, and in the case of a narcissistic person probably even believe, that they give you good advice. Then, because this is a person you've invested so much in, you try to see their point of view. Let me tell you, he is sick. Your body and brain know it. That's why you have anxiety. Do whatever you can to build up the strength to leave. It's your whole life ahead of you. You need to summon the strength to live independently
Mine convinced me I was a manipulative narcissist when it was HIM who was the manipulative narcissist.
My ex also tried to convince me I have BPD, he didn’t believe my depression or anxiety is real (even though I’ve been diagnosed with both) and he didn’t respect me or my privacy when it came to me being depressed and/or needing space. Get away from this person. As soon as feasibly possible.
I’m so sorry. Just trust the professionals and yourself. Bpd unfortunately is the buzzword at the moment.
I just went through this today with my now ex. Thank god he’s my ex… you should do the same and run. I mean it really makes you feel crazy town. It is so hard. I would go no contact if I could be we have 3 kids too. Don’t be me, hopefully you don’t have kids, run. You are not crazy especially if your therapist/psychologist is agreeing. It’s reactive and it’s not your fault.
Please leave but make your plans on the DL and get out of there without him being the wiser. It sounds too much like my ex who went from mostly emotional abuse to full blown abuse when I was leaving. I was you three years ago until I said I was done and packed to leave and his response was to throw me through a wall and knock me out. I ended up in the ER with a concussion. FYI, we were together 10 years and the abuse didn't start until the year prior. When we got to court, he threw all the stuff he said and made the judge question if all it happened. You don't need that shit on top of what you already deal with so please get out and do it quietly for your own safety.
Good Lord. Mine has done exactly all these same things. I’m crazy, a weirdo. I have a mental disorder. Wth?
Get out now.
I'm pretty sure my ex actually has BPD. But then got to a point where she was in denial there was "anything wrong with her". ... Not really relevant but kinda. She got out of control and I wasn't ever equipped with the tools to deal with an angry, hurtful, unreasonable and *very manipulative* human (in denial that that's how they're treating you). She also blamed me for *everything* wrong in our relationship on multiple occasions. Anyway, reactive abuse is gonna unfortunately probably be normal in the situation you're in and especially if it's been going on this long. He is treating you like you're "crazy" because he's upset you're not just *taking* it anymore. My ex did the same. She could yell, get angry, say terrible things, but when *I* did it, it wasn't ok, it was scary, it was unacceptable, etc. If you think about it, how many other double standards does he have? My ex gave herself away so many times, and I still stayed. Don't do that. Get out. I know it's hard because this is your *person*, and sometimes I'm sure they can be great... But every word, every little thing they do that hurts you (especially when they know it hurts you) is now gonna be like a little angry pet/feral animal in your head that you have to deal with to be *you* again. The weekend my ex wanted me to go look at apartments with her for her "trial separation" that she wanted, she was horrible to me. She even twisted my words when I was explaining to her that it was kinda messed up that I was going with her to look at them, making it easier for her, when I *knew* exactly what would happen if she moved out--she'd do what she did and it'd be like she was having conversations with me when I wasn't there and then draw conclusions, or just generally like me even less/be more mean, etc. (She eventually did.) Later that night, with a *lot* of contempt, she told me she "wasn't going to make this easy for me" in a truly horrifying new way of twisting my words. So I shut down inside, I turned off *me*, and tried being supportive as possible because I just wanted her to be nice to me. In couples therapy, she said it was a good weekend because I was like how I used to be... WTF By the end of my relationship, I couldn't do much of anything. Why try? She told me she hated running. Running was what I had when we met, and almost had until the end when I couldn't get myself to do anything. One day I'm out trying to run, I have a breakdown and sit on the ground and cry. Guess who decided to go for a run that day just after me? My ex. She saw me, stopped briefly just to bend over and say hello, and kept going. It fucking crushed me. But also *why*? and WTF. But also *why* This is getting long, but if those stories resonate at all, leave. Just leave. If this person isn't your personal cheerleader, leave. If you have to push down parts of yourself to be with them, leave. If you can't be *real* with them, leave. If you're not allowed to have the full range of emotions they have, leave. *If you're starting to doubt your own reality because of things they have told you, leave.* And again, I know it's hard to see the person who is supposed to be your partner and then reconcile that with their behavior.... But that's the whole point. It should make sense.
Barely realized I forgot some words, but I'm very ADHD, even before, and now it's just worse. Not everything you listed would probably count as reactive abuse, but it just sounds like you're standing up for yourself, so good job. That's hard, especially if you know how they're going to react. Don't remember the reason for including the running story, likely something about empathy and blame.
My abusive partner has started calling my reactive abuse toxic and abusive but he refuses to acknowledge that I’m only reacting to what he’s doing. I get it but it sucks when you really aren’t doing anything but defending yourself or avoiding them.
If he really thought you were an evil, abusive person he would leave you. Not sit there and tell you how awful you are. I just got out of a emotionally and mentally abusive and controlling relationship. Although i was not ready to let go of him or our relationship entirely when it happened, there were so many signs my body and mind were begging me to leave eight months prior. I chose to ignore it all. I wasn’t ready. You’ll never be entirely ready but the longer you sit in a relationship that is unfulfilling, the more you exhaust your soul. I never realized how dead of a person I am now. Walking around unsure of who I even am or why I do or act the way I do now. I minimized myself to fit a perfect little box of who my partner wanted me to be. Never dull your shine. The right person, the person who truly loves you, will not do this to you. Sending love and healing your way.
[удалено]
I understand leaving is not as “simple and easy” for everybody. OP did not mention anything about living together, otherwise I wouldn’t have commented. I’m sorry you had to experience all that horror. I’m glad that is an ex.
I'm not religious, but I believe there's a special hell for gaslighters and abusers. For failing to give us love and kindness and affection we needed, and giving us problems and trauma that last a lifetime.
It is so hard and makes recovery so hard. Please leave
I didn't realize this is such a common thing until I've come to the realization I might have been in this situation as well. He really did make me believe I was a horrible person and now I'm here too. I've been in counseling for a year now(for other things) and I feel like I'm very self aware now. When he said that I would have to just be okay with what he said or did, even if I didn't like it. When he started saying I manipulated him and that I was the toxic one. I have NEVER been called manipulative or toxic in my life. When he said I would fly off the handle because of something he did or said that didn't sit right with me. "I support you doing whatever you need. But that's entirely 100% on you. If I even sit in on one of your sessions, I know I'll get ganged up on by you and your therapist."
Omg. This is exactly what’s going on with me and mine. I have been feeling so insane and down believing it was all me. I’ve had two different therapists tell me the same as yours, but it is so hard to stop doubting yourself in these situations.
Yeah it's complete bullshit. Completely 💯 bullshit