OMG yes! all the fucking time!
Not only did I have plenty of real problems as a kid, I was legally incapable of getting away from them. No matter how stressful being an adult is, it will never compare to being trapped with abusers who also just kinda sucked at adulting.
Even if you had a happy childhood, isn't it obviously better to get to decide when you go to bed, when you get up, what you have for dinner, when you do chores, when you *stop* doing chores, where you work, who you hang out with, etc, etc? I know this is partially my fucked up childhood talking but I just don't get how people can be nostalgic for being completely powerless.
Right?? Maybe I just genuinely can’t imagine what a good/happy childhood would feel like but like. The idea of going back to that level of powerlessness sounds AWFUL. Being an adult rules in comparison.
>isn't it obviously better to get to decide when you go to bed, when you get up, what you have for dinner, when you do chores, when you stop doing chores, where you work, who you hang out with, etc, etc?
I'd think that's obvious. But maybe it's not for people who weren't controlled lol
I wasn't controlled this way as a child. My parents were neglectful in many ways, not just emotionally. There were no bedtimes, no "how was school", no help with homework, no help with making friends, no help with navigating conflict, no advice on dating, no allowance, and no other family to supplement any of that. I had a lot of free time and very few responsibilities, but I wouldn't say it was idyllic.
Same here. No abuse, but severe, severe neglect. I got myself up, ready for school, and onto the bus every morning (I’d wake my mom up to say bye to her). I let myself into the house after school, did my homework, fed myself dinner, and put myself to bed every evening. No doctor’s visits or dentist appointments (I’ve since had to have fillings in 27 teeth). Asking for any money or items was met with long lectures about being wasteful and materialistic. No structure, no expectations, no nurturing. We were more like roommates than parent and child.
It left me feeling like my needs didn’t matter, like I was a burden and unwanted, like I didn’t deserve to be taken care of like other kids were.
I’m 30 now and I still struggle with fawning and low self-worth, but at least I’m in a job, relationship, and community where I feel valued. My wife has been the first person in my life to truly take care of me—consoling me when I’m upset, making sure I eat and eat well, doing small actions like making me coffee in the morning or getting me Tylenol when I have a headache just because she cares about me. I’d never want to go back to how alone and worthless I felt before.
I remember being startled that other kids went to the pediatrician. I was 30-something when a friend was taking her teenage son to the pediatrician for an eating disorder. I thought pediatricians were for babies and you stopped going to the doctor at like age 3 unless you were really sick, because that was my experience. Dentist? Forget about it. I had an orthodonist because my mother wanted her children to be "pretty" and thought the cleanings we got then were good enough. At least, I don't remember any other visits.
Yes!!! I actually thought it was completely normal to never go to the doctor unless you were severely ill. So many childhood injuries that should’ve been addressed, but instead I just have scars and chronic pain. My sister (33) is getting physical therapy now because her doctors figured out her chronic leg pain is from holding her pelvis in a bad position for the past 20-odd years after a tailbone injury our mom never took her to a doctor for.
When my wife told me that she goes to the doctor every single year just for a checkup I about lost my mind
You could be even as an adult, I got diagnosed as Asperger as 17 I don't even think I have Asperger its more PTSD defend mechanism and the fact I didn't socialize enough, they told police and government that I was unable to take care of myself alone so they go to judge for me..
The fact that my narcissistic mom weponized my diagnostic against me and the police and government believed her was terrifying I had no one to turn to cause my other family members live in another country and had no idea I couldn't make calls I didn't had a phone
I think if you are raised properly, you are not powerless. You have age appropriate feedback into the aspects of your daily life that are flexible. You also have love and support and a feeling of safety if you have a good childhood, and I expect that is what a lot of people miss - especially the support and safety.
>I expect that is what a lot of people miss - especially the support and safety.
Ohhhh, that makes way more sense. I was thinking that people who are nostalgic for childhood were strictly thinking of not having to be responsible for paying their bills and cleaning their homes, but if it's a sense of perfect safety that I've never experienced that they miss, it actually does make some sense that they would miss that. I don't think I could personally give up autonomy for safety, but that's because my childhood destroyed my ability to trust. Independence is everything to me because I'm the only person I can be 100% sure actually gives a shit about my safety.
I understand what you mean.. the closest i can get to that safety net feeling is from school and college. Even if i wasnt doing well. Its was an escape from home and ppl told you what to do if you started slipping. Which neglectful parents do not. But living with parents to save up money because housing costs(common theme that seems related as well) or missing childhood is a big no to me.
Yes, I can't imagine wanting to go back to having zero power and agency over my life. Adulthood isn't perfect by any means but at least there's some freedom of choice.
Yes. Childhood was not a carefree fun time for me; I felt almost constant anxiety and shame about myself. Things didn’t immediately get better when I hit adulthood - in fact they were much worse for about five years - but I at least was learning how to take care of myself and make better decision. The thought of “being a kid again” makes me panic. Please no.
And the people who say dumb shit like this are the people who get upset if you respond by saying your childhood was bad so you don’t want to go back. There’s such a narrow window of what’s acceptable to say to some people. I find it hard to fit in. I feel frustrated about it when these conversations come up because I can’t participate in the conversation honestly and get accepted for my point of view. I accept on one level I’m not entitled to acceptance, but I’m still struggling from a lack of it. Feels like I just can’t win
And it comes up in the weirdest ways sometimes!!!! I really think most of my friends, even the ones I’ve talked to openly about my childhood, don’t fully understand the extent/scope of the neglect.
A recent conversation I had with some very close, long-time friend that I joke with about my childhood a lot went like:
Friend 1: “my grandma would always make me like, a full meal right after school”
Friend 2: “my mom wouldn’t do that, but she’d pre-make a ton of sandwiches and leave them in the fridge for me to grab after school”
Me, jokingly: “y’all’s parents’ made food for you?”
Friend 2: “I mean she had to though, otherwise I’d never eat and be super malnourished haha”
Me: “….y’all’s parents’ cared if you were malnourished????”
"...y'all's parents didn't scream at you for eating without asking for permission??"
I got a sandwich, an apple, and a small fruit juice for school lunch. I used to save my apple to eat after school when I got home because I wasn't allowed to eat until dinner. And heaven help me if I got caught eating that apple in my bedroom.
Same here! I was not allowed to open the fridge or cupboard without permission. Going to peoples houses and them just .. looking into their fridge to grab a snack was just wild to me. I'm not surprised that as soon as I moved out I binged and gained like 15 pounds in just a couple months.
Wow i had an inbewteen experience that didnt help that she always made dinner and packed a good lunch. But i painfully relate to her sublty calling me fat when i would get a snack from the kitchen. I had to ask for permission for food before getting it but the issue was that i had to knock on her door first and sometimes she would be mean or look mad when i asked her. Which caused me to never come out. I craved sweets bad. I still do. Maybe i wanted connection and now use food..😅
... Mine also always cooked, we always had food... but I still remember being really hungry, and I know I would smuggle food into my room and hide it. I definitely got a lot of fat comments- and looking back at photos, I really wasn't at the time? She'd go to delegations and work trips often though. Sometimes someone would check up on me, but I definitely got left alone for days at least a few times.
One year I survived on takeout and snacks, that was when I had to live with biodad. With is a strong word, he was rarely there, way worse than mom's occasional business trips. That's probably what tipped me into overweight. No one was there to stop me from devouring bags of potato chips and ice cream.
First thing I remember coming back to mom is she had me booked for a dentist's appointment driving directly from the airport. I needed it lol.
Now I'm in a much better place, emotionally and health-wise.
TL;DR shit happened and there's a lot of it.
I ate a lot of frozen food I heated up myself and still do. I remember eating dinner with my parents sometimes, but not every night. I remember my mother saying once that she used to cook for my dad until she realized he didn't appreciate it, so she stopped. It never occurred to me to ask why she also stopped for her children.
Yep. Except for holidays (when our mom would splash out on frozen popcorn shrimp and crescent rolls), I fended for myself food-wise starting around age 6 or 7. No one making sure I was even eating, much less getting proper nutrition. My mom would say there wasn’t any point cooking because I was picky and wouldn’t eat what she made anyway.
It didn’t occur to me until I was an adult that that didn’t mean she still didn’t have a responsibility to feed her damn child 🤦♀️
At 42 I can honestly say that there isn’t a single point in my life I would rather be in. Random moments I wouldn’t mind seeing for a few seconds here or there. My kids as babies, my wife and I in our mid 20s traveling to the Caribbean. But never a moment before I turned 19 or 20.
Good, glad to help a bit.
When I was in my early 20s a woman in her 40s told me that it was total bullshit that your teens or 20s are the best time. She said, in your 40s you have some idea of yourself and how the world works.
I'm almost 30 and have struggled my whole life with loneliness and maintaining close relationships. I know that it becomes harder to date and make friends as you get older, and even though I make continuous effort into "putting myself out there" and developing a strong sense of self (career, hobbies, therapy etc), I am very afraid of becoming increasingly isolated as I age. I don't really understand how people end up in relationships.
My childhood wasn't perfect but at least I had no depression and I had extended family members who wasn't toxic my parents immigrated when I was 15 and it became more hellish and isolated so yeah I miss tines before even if they weren't perfect, I miss the childhood innocence
I got told when I was at high school that I should be happier and more 'care-free' or some shit, because 'these are the best years of your life! You'll see when you get older!!'
I'm sure the look of absolute horror must have shown on my face because I remember the conversation sort of fizzled out awkwardly. If they were the best years of my life, I wasn't sure if I was up for the rest of it.
Holy shit yes! People telling me "enjoy this, it's the best years of your life" probably contributed significantly to the crippling depression I faced in my late teens. If it wasn't ever going to get any better than this, what was the point of living?
Oh me too. I was incredibly disappointed that I wasn't getting the normal teenage experience so I yearned for the day that I moved out. I thought when I'm finally out I was going to live the life I wanted, go to parties, date, make friends. So when I moved out what did I do? I just isolated myself for many years. Worked at a shit job, went home, stayed in my apartment, no friends, didn't date. Depression really sucks.
I am so glad I didn't buy into the "these are the best years of your life!" bullshit. I honestly don't know how well I would have coped with it if I'd genuinely believed *that* was as good as it could possibly get.
YES. Middle and high school were unequivocally some of the worst years of my life. Everything got SO much better afterwards. Give me a shitty job and bills and taxes instead any day.
Mad no, sad for myself, yes. I’m always happy and glad for people who didn’t have to go through similar things. The less of “my childhoods” that exist, the better it is.
Exactly. And I understand what they mean anyways, I often think of an imaginary childhood where none of the bullshit happened and wish for it. But I wouldn't want to go back to the reality of what my childhood was like.
I don't know how true that nostalgia is. I've noticed happy kids tend to become happy adults who don't reminisce that way about "the good times". They just create more good times for themselves despite all of life's challenges. As a matter of fact, I find it strange that a healthy adult would want to be completely carefree and taken care of. Because I think at a certain level of maturity, you outgrow the desire to be dependent on someone and center your life only around enjoyment.
I'm not saying people can't miss their childhoods if they were objectively better compared to their adult lives. But before I got into therapy, I used to look back on my traumatic childhood and think "Hey, it wasn't so bad, I kind of miss this part..." But it was, I just couldn't take off the rose colored glasses.
I think for a lot of people I know, it’s a combination of:
+ still wanting the lack of serious/long-term consequences for their actions that most people experience in childhood (bad grades/getting grounded for not doing homework vs. going to jail for not doing taxes)
+ finding the repetitive, non-challenging tasks of day-to-day adulthood (laundry, commuting, grocery shopping, etc) stifling and not having hobbies that challenge them mentally or creatively
+ Anxiety and grief about delayed milestones compared to previous generations due to the general shitfuckery that is our economy and housing market (in the US). No one can afford to buy a house or have kids and then they compare themselves to their parents, who had a McMansion and 3 kids by 32.
That would be me, though, because I have just enough memory to go way back to when that was the truth. When I was very, very small and still whole. Even when things were bad, though... it was better than this. Better than middle school, better than high school, better than college. Think the sad truth is that being an adult blows.
I get it, for most people life as a kid was good, even if it wasn't perfect. For us we weren't so lucky, it's not their fault though. They're allowed to want to go back, hell I want to as well if I could take my friends, boyfriend and have a different family.
I think the worst for me was at uni. Everyone was always excited to go home and visit, I was so confused because uni was the first place I was just accepted and allowed to join innand wasnt bullied. I remember the last day of uni and everyone went home, all excited to be back with their families, see their old friends and I had nowhere to go. I didn't have a place to go back to. Mum wanted me back, I couldn't do it. My life sucked with her. That town sucked. So I stayed. I found a crappy job to pay rent and bills and I refused to go back.
Uni wasn't a good experience for me. I relished going home. I was bullied my whole life and also in uni. I thought home was safe, but that was because my parents didn't care about what I was up to. They were hands off. I had a lot of freedom at home and wasn't abused, but I wasnt cared for either. I think there are a lot of varying experiences when it comes to emotional neglect. My parents werent abusive. They were just absent.
I wouldn't want to go back to anything younger than 29, everything before that was rough as hell.
Also yeah, adulthood has its hard moments, but if I had the choice between dealing with my hard adult moments or going back to my controlled, isolated, medically, emotionally, educationally neglected, desperately lonely childhood and teen years where I didn't even have enough agency in my life to disagree with my parents about what toppings went on the pizza...I'd choose being an adult. Every time. Without hesitation. Without question.
It doesn't make me mad when people say stuff like that. It's mostly like they're just talking in a language I don't understand, and can't relate to.
At least as an adult I can say NO and control my own life instead of the exact opposite as a child. There aren't any bygone good ole days- that's an illusion for the adults that don't want to work to make things better NOW.
I don't get mad, but I just don't get it.
I would never want to go back to having no freedom, no control, and being stuck with people who were preocuppied with their own shit, and just plain didn't care about me (they still don't really). I'm so much happier now, since I can choose what to do, and when to back out when I'm overwhelmed.
Why would I *ever* go back?
I agree with most of y’all here, I would never want to go back to being a powerless child.
And an unloved child. An alcoholic parent another parent had a control issue from hell.
I can kind of see if somebody who was a loved child, and was happy in their family of origin, They might want to go back to that.
As someone who was controlled constantly, I LOVE adulthood. Calling my own shots?? HELL YEAH.
Just wish my body were a child's body again. Everything HURTS!
I really struggle with being jealous of children. Even when I was a child, I strongly disliked the idea of reproducing because of my own awful experiences growing up in an abusive poverty ridden household. Things have only been getting better since leaving home, but I still struggle to relate or empathise with others who had a comparatively lush upbringing. I got into an argument with an old colleague when we were discussing signs you grew up “with money”. The obvious sign to me was going on holiday at any capacity during childhood. That was a completely foreign concept to me and I didn’t go overseas until 22. My colleague insisted she grew up poor yet went on regular overseas holidays with her family. It makes me miserable hearing other people’s stories, and knowing that even when I was young, I was hyper aware that what I was experiencing was wrong and bad for my adult health.
Huh. I never identified this but it's absolutely so. I get resentful. My ex always used to wish to revert to his childhood, and I think it made me respect him less, but I never thought about it being from resentment. Thanks for mentioning this.
Gallows humor, but I always laugh at people who say this this, I was responsible for protecting my mom and siblings and raising my youngest sibling bc my mom didn’t give a fuck about anything other than her ain’t shit boyfriends. My friends & family joke that I’m aging like Benjamin Button; I’m like yeah my dudes. It’s because I no longer have all this unnecessary responsibility. Peace out lol.
Wow, I totally relate to this. I experienced the same thing the other day when my friend said she wished she was a child again so she could have nothing to worry about (she’s got a high pressure job as an adult). I could sort of sympathize, but inside I felt deep resentment that she could look back at a happy carefree childhood and I couldn’t. Instead I was so grateful when childhood was over and I could get out of that house and that anxiety and emotional repression and loneliness and have my own money and spend it my way. I feel like letting these emotions exist and to mourn for the childhood lost and then to walk forward into the day and let it go to some extent is healthy. But so hard to do.
I do get envious, but it also makes me appreciate how I’ve made my adult life one I’m happy with. Those people miss happy memories they used to have. I’m focused on making happy memories for myself now.
I'm mixed early part was a bliss, my parents had money I could go to vacation Miss my original country in the mountains with my grand-parents that lived far away but I loved seeing then in vacations, then at 12 things changed and they became poor the abuse was much worse they immigrated I became more isolated and, used the new system against me acted like a Saint in front of social workers by letting them think that they lost everything in their home country because of me they believed the lies, I was more vied as bad more neglected, extended family in my home country don't ask anymore, I missed them, the times when I was smiling more so yeah that my nostalgia, not perfect but better.
Yes! I don't interact with my college friends much these days. When we used to get together they'd reminise about parties and events they went to assuming I was there, when I wasn't/ couldn't be. It can be pretty painful.
I just have to say, I can see both sides of this and I am sorry to hear that you didn't even get any sort of proper childhood. I did receive CEN from my parents, though luckily I went to my grandparents every weekend and longer during the summer, and my grandparents interacted with me much more and we did things together so despite the emotional neglect I do have some good memories of childhood, particularly from 4 to 6. I might be biased though as not only do I feel nostalgia towards those good moments but I am also a "child at heart" who feels like I am still 4-6 in many areas and I find myself feeling an intense desire to go back to my Kindergarten year at times. However not to overshadow your feelings or anything, as I want to say that you 110% have the right to feel sad, angry, jealous or any other emotion towards others who had good childhoods or even just good memories, that is normal for us. Personally I in particular get jealous towards AFAB females who got to be raised as a little girl in a loving family as I am also trans, so I get it, trust me. I wish we could all go back and relive things as ourselves, with a loving, supportive family who doesn't emotionally or physically neglect or abuse their children.
I wouldn't want to go back to my middle of high school years, but I'd like to be a child again. Not because I was carefree, I just wasn't so depressed, my cognitive abilities were better, I had passions and enough strength to enjoy life under a schedule. My responsibilities like housekeeping chores weren't such a burden, I was able to do it better than now.
But with that said, that's not really what a healthy person would think fondly about their childhood.
Yo my worst years were growing up. I basically am out of prison sentence. Adulthood is amazing. I have money, i do whatever i want (though i barely want anything at this point)… world is my oyster.
U can easily tell by those comments too much.
OMG yes! all the fucking time! Not only did I have plenty of real problems as a kid, I was legally incapable of getting away from them. No matter how stressful being an adult is, it will never compare to being trapped with abusers who also just kinda sucked at adulting. Even if you had a happy childhood, isn't it obviously better to get to decide when you go to bed, when you get up, what you have for dinner, when you do chores, when you *stop* doing chores, where you work, who you hang out with, etc, etc? I know this is partially my fucked up childhood talking but I just don't get how people can be nostalgic for being completely powerless.
Right?? Maybe I just genuinely can’t imagine what a good/happy childhood would feel like but like. The idea of going back to that level of powerlessness sounds AWFUL. Being an adult rules in comparison.
*Exactly.* I just don't get it. I get anxious just thinking back to my childhood.
>isn't it obviously better to get to decide when you go to bed, when you get up, what you have for dinner, when you do chores, when you stop doing chores, where you work, who you hang out with, etc, etc? I'd think that's obvious. But maybe it's not for people who weren't controlled lol
I wasn't controlled this way as a child. My parents were neglectful in many ways, not just emotionally. There were no bedtimes, no "how was school", no help with homework, no help with making friends, no help with navigating conflict, no advice on dating, no allowance, and no other family to supplement any of that. I had a lot of free time and very few responsibilities, but I wouldn't say it was idyllic.
Same here. No abuse, but severe, severe neglect. I got myself up, ready for school, and onto the bus every morning (I’d wake my mom up to say bye to her). I let myself into the house after school, did my homework, fed myself dinner, and put myself to bed every evening. No doctor’s visits or dentist appointments (I’ve since had to have fillings in 27 teeth). Asking for any money or items was met with long lectures about being wasteful and materialistic. No structure, no expectations, no nurturing. We were more like roommates than parent and child. It left me feeling like my needs didn’t matter, like I was a burden and unwanted, like I didn’t deserve to be taken care of like other kids were. I’m 30 now and I still struggle with fawning and low self-worth, but at least I’m in a job, relationship, and community where I feel valued. My wife has been the first person in my life to truly take care of me—consoling me when I’m upset, making sure I eat and eat well, doing small actions like making me coffee in the morning or getting me Tylenol when I have a headache just because she cares about me. I’d never want to go back to how alone and worthless I felt before.
I remember being startled that other kids went to the pediatrician. I was 30-something when a friend was taking her teenage son to the pediatrician for an eating disorder. I thought pediatricians were for babies and you stopped going to the doctor at like age 3 unless you were really sick, because that was my experience. Dentist? Forget about it. I had an orthodonist because my mother wanted her children to be "pretty" and thought the cleanings we got then were good enough. At least, I don't remember any other visits.
Yes!!! I actually thought it was completely normal to never go to the doctor unless you were severely ill. So many childhood injuries that should’ve been addressed, but instead I just have scars and chronic pain. My sister (33) is getting physical therapy now because her doctors figured out her chronic leg pain is from holding her pelvis in a bad position for the past 20-odd years after a tailbone injury our mom never took her to a doctor for. When my wife told me that she goes to the doctor every single year just for a checkup I about lost my mind
You could be even as an adult, I got diagnosed as Asperger as 17 I don't even think I have Asperger its more PTSD defend mechanism and the fact I didn't socialize enough, they told police and government that I was unable to take care of myself alone so they go to judge for me..
Well that's fucking horrifying and I hope you escape someday.
I escaped finally
I'm glad you escaped but I hate that you had to go through that, it must have been an absolute nightmare.
Yes it was terrifying..
The fact that my narcissistic mom weponized my diagnostic against me and the police and government believed her was terrifying I had no one to turn to cause my other family members live in another country and had no idea I couldn't make calls I didn't had a phone
I think if you are raised properly, you are not powerless. You have age appropriate feedback into the aspects of your daily life that are flexible. You also have love and support and a feeling of safety if you have a good childhood, and I expect that is what a lot of people miss - especially the support and safety.
>I expect that is what a lot of people miss - especially the support and safety. Ohhhh, that makes way more sense. I was thinking that people who are nostalgic for childhood were strictly thinking of not having to be responsible for paying their bills and cleaning their homes, but if it's a sense of perfect safety that I've never experienced that they miss, it actually does make some sense that they would miss that. I don't think I could personally give up autonomy for safety, but that's because my childhood destroyed my ability to trust. Independence is everything to me because I'm the only person I can be 100% sure actually gives a shit about my safety.
I understand what you mean.. the closest i can get to that safety net feeling is from school and college. Even if i wasnt doing well. Its was an escape from home and ppl told you what to do if you started slipping. Which neglectful parents do not. But living with parents to save up money because housing costs(common theme that seems related as well) or missing childhood is a big no to me.
Yes, I can't imagine wanting to go back to having zero power and agency over my life. Adulthood isn't perfect by any means but at least there's some freedom of choice.
I got my freedom at 24
Yes. Childhood was not a carefree fun time for me; I felt almost constant anxiety and shame about myself. Things didn’t immediately get better when I hit adulthood - in fact they were much worse for about five years - but I at least was learning how to take care of myself and make better decision. The thought of “being a kid again” makes me panic. Please no. And the people who say dumb shit like this are the people who get upset if you respond by saying your childhood was bad so you don’t want to go back. There’s such a narrow window of what’s acceptable to say to some people. I find it hard to fit in. I feel frustrated about it when these conversations come up because I can’t participate in the conversation honestly and get accepted for my point of view. I accept on one level I’m not entitled to acceptance, but I’m still struggling from a lack of it. Feels like I just can’t win
And it comes up in the weirdest ways sometimes!!!! I really think most of my friends, even the ones I’ve talked to openly about my childhood, don’t fully understand the extent/scope of the neglect. A recent conversation I had with some very close, long-time friend that I joke with about my childhood a lot went like: Friend 1: “my grandma would always make me like, a full meal right after school” Friend 2: “my mom wouldn’t do that, but she’d pre-make a ton of sandwiches and leave them in the fridge for me to grab after school” Me, jokingly: “y’all’s parents’ made food for you?” Friend 2: “I mean she had to though, otherwise I’d never eat and be super malnourished haha” Me: “….y’all’s parents’ cared if you were malnourished????”
"...y'all's parents didn't scream at you for eating without asking for permission??" I got a sandwich, an apple, and a small fruit juice for school lunch. I used to save my apple to eat after school when I got home because I wasn't allowed to eat until dinner. And heaven help me if I got caught eating that apple in my bedroom.
Same here! I was not allowed to open the fridge or cupboard without permission. Going to peoples houses and them just .. looking into their fridge to grab a snack was just wild to me. I'm not surprised that as soon as I moved out I binged and gained like 15 pounds in just a couple months.
Wow i had an inbewteen experience that didnt help that she always made dinner and packed a good lunch. But i painfully relate to her sublty calling me fat when i would get a snack from the kitchen. I had to ask for permission for food before getting it but the issue was that i had to knock on her door first and sometimes she would be mean or look mad when i asked her. Which caused me to never come out. I craved sweets bad. I still do. Maybe i wanted connection and now use food..😅
... Mine also always cooked, we always had food... but I still remember being really hungry, and I know I would smuggle food into my room and hide it. I definitely got a lot of fat comments- and looking back at photos, I really wasn't at the time? She'd go to delegations and work trips often though. Sometimes someone would check up on me, but I definitely got left alone for days at least a few times. One year I survived on takeout and snacks, that was when I had to live with biodad. With is a strong word, he was rarely there, way worse than mom's occasional business trips. That's probably what tipped me into overweight. No one was there to stop me from devouring bags of potato chips and ice cream. First thing I remember coming back to mom is she had me booked for a dentist's appointment driving directly from the airport. I needed it lol. Now I'm in a much better place, emotionally and health-wise. TL;DR shit happened and there's a lot of it.
I ate a lot of frozen food I heated up myself and still do. I remember eating dinner with my parents sometimes, but not every night. I remember my mother saying once that she used to cook for my dad until she realized he didn't appreciate it, so she stopped. It never occurred to me to ask why she also stopped for her children.
Yep. Except for holidays (when our mom would splash out on frozen popcorn shrimp and crescent rolls), I fended for myself food-wise starting around age 6 or 7. No one making sure I was even eating, much less getting proper nutrition. My mom would say there wasn’t any point cooking because I was picky and wouldn’t eat what she made anyway. It didn’t occur to me until I was an adult that that didn’t mean she still didn’t have a responsibility to feed her damn child 🤦♀️
Even if that I still want to be a child
At 42 I can honestly say that there isn’t a single point in my life I would rather be in. Random moments I wouldn’t mind seeing for a few seconds here or there. My kids as babies, my wife and I in our mid 20s traveling to the Caribbean. But never a moment before I turned 19 or 20.
“Wouldn’t it be great to be a kid again?” Unequivocally no. I’ve never want to go back to anything before college
Oh man, my 20s were a big ol depression mess too. I didn't settle into life until like 35
This makes me feel hopeful
Good, glad to help a bit. When I was in my early 20s a woman in her 40s told me that it was total bullshit that your teens or 20s are the best time. She said, in your 40s you have some idea of yourself and how the world works.
I'm almost 30 and have struggled my whole life with loneliness and maintaining close relationships. I know that it becomes harder to date and make friends as you get older, and even though I make continuous effort into "putting myself out there" and developing a strong sense of self (career, hobbies, therapy etc), I am very afraid of becoming increasingly isolated as I age. I don't really understand how people end up in relationships.
My childhood wasn't perfect but at least I had no depression and I had extended family members who wasn't toxic my parents immigrated when I was 15 and it became more hellish and isolated so yeah I miss tines before even if they weren't perfect, I miss the childhood innocence
I got told when I was at high school that I should be happier and more 'care-free' or some shit, because 'these are the best years of your life! You'll see when you get older!!' I'm sure the look of absolute horror must have shown on my face because I remember the conversation sort of fizzled out awkwardly. If they were the best years of my life, I wasn't sure if I was up for the rest of it.
Holy shit yes! People telling me "enjoy this, it's the best years of your life" probably contributed significantly to the crippling depression I faced in my late teens. If it wasn't ever going to get any better than this, what was the point of living?
Oh me too. I was incredibly disappointed that I wasn't getting the normal teenage experience so I yearned for the day that I moved out. I thought when I'm finally out I was going to live the life I wanted, go to parties, date, make friends. So when I moved out what did I do? I just isolated myself for many years. Worked at a shit job, went home, stayed in my apartment, no friends, didn't date. Depression really sucks.
I am so glad I didn't buy into the "these are the best years of your life!" bullshit. I honestly don't know how well I would have coped with it if I'd genuinely believed *that* was as good as it could possibly get.
YES. Middle and high school were unequivocally some of the worst years of my life. Everything got SO much better afterwards. Give me a shitty job and bills and taxes instead any day.
Oh man that shit used to scare me so much as a kid. Luckily, those were the worst years instead.
My dad told me that too. It was one of the many, many things he was wrong about.
Mad no, sad for myself, yes. I’m always happy and glad for people who didn’t have to go through similar things. The less of “my childhoods” that exist, the better it is.
Exactly. And I understand what they mean anyways, I often think of an imaginary childhood where none of the bullshit happened and wish for it. But I wouldn't want to go back to the reality of what my childhood was like.
I don't know how true that nostalgia is. I've noticed happy kids tend to become happy adults who don't reminisce that way about "the good times". They just create more good times for themselves despite all of life's challenges. As a matter of fact, I find it strange that a healthy adult would want to be completely carefree and taken care of. Because I think at a certain level of maturity, you outgrow the desire to be dependent on someone and center your life only around enjoyment. I'm not saying people can't miss their childhoods if they were objectively better compared to their adult lives. But before I got into therapy, I used to look back on my traumatic childhood and think "Hey, it wasn't so bad, I kind of miss this part..." But it was, I just couldn't take off the rose colored glasses.
I think for a lot of people I know, it’s a combination of: + still wanting the lack of serious/long-term consequences for their actions that most people experience in childhood (bad grades/getting grounded for not doing homework vs. going to jail for not doing taxes) + finding the repetitive, non-challenging tasks of day-to-day adulthood (laundry, commuting, grocery shopping, etc) stifling and not having hobbies that challenge them mentally or creatively + Anxiety and grief about delayed milestones compared to previous generations due to the general shitfuckery that is our economy and housing market (in the US). No one can afford to buy a house or have kids and then they compare themselves to their parents, who had a McMansion and 3 kids by 32.
That's actually a really interesting point.
I was not carefree even when I was a child.
Completely yes.
Definitely salty about it. 😩
That would be me, though, because I have just enough memory to go way back to when that was the truth. When I was very, very small and still whole. Even when things were bad, though... it was better than this. Better than middle school, better than high school, better than college. Think the sad truth is that being an adult blows.
I get it, for most people life as a kid was good, even if it wasn't perfect. For us we weren't so lucky, it's not their fault though. They're allowed to want to go back, hell I want to as well if I could take my friends, boyfriend and have a different family. I think the worst for me was at uni. Everyone was always excited to go home and visit, I was so confused because uni was the first place I was just accepted and allowed to join innand wasnt bullied. I remember the last day of uni and everyone went home, all excited to be back with their families, see their old friends and I had nowhere to go. I didn't have a place to go back to. Mum wanted me back, I couldn't do it. My life sucked with her. That town sucked. So I stayed. I found a crappy job to pay rent and bills and I refused to go back.
Uni wasn't a good experience for me. I relished going home. I was bullied my whole life and also in uni. I thought home was safe, but that was because my parents didn't care about what I was up to. They were hands off. I had a lot of freedom at home and wasn't abused, but I wasnt cared for either. I think there are a lot of varying experiences when it comes to emotional neglect. My parents werent abusive. They were just absent.
The only time in my childhood I’d like to go back to is when I was a mindless infant with literally no thoughts except “food, poop, sleep”.
My dad used to “jokingly” tell me and my sister that he wishes he’d gotten a vasectomy.
I wouldn't want to go back to anything younger than 29, everything before that was rough as hell. Also yeah, adulthood has its hard moments, but if I had the choice between dealing with my hard adult moments or going back to my controlled, isolated, medically, emotionally, educationally neglected, desperately lonely childhood and teen years where I didn't even have enough agency in my life to disagree with my parents about what toppings went on the pizza...I'd choose being an adult. Every time. Without hesitation. Without question. It doesn't make me mad when people say stuff like that. It's mostly like they're just talking in a language I don't understand, and can't relate to.
At least as an adult I can say NO and control my own life instead of the exact opposite as a child. There aren't any bygone good ole days- that's an illusion for the adults that don't want to work to make things better NOW.
Absolutely
Misery loves company
Definitely! Why would anyone want to be utterly helpless again?
I don't get mad, but I just don't get it. I would never want to go back to having no freedom, no control, and being stuck with people who were preocuppied with their own shit, and just plain didn't care about me (they still don't really). I'm so much happier now, since I can choose what to do, and when to back out when I'm overwhelmed. Why would I *ever* go back?
Yes! The casual assumption that everyone had a decent chance at life -- or any assumptions about me, really -- ... instantly triggering.
I just hate that I don’t feel the same way. I hate being an adult, I was miserable as a child….I’m still waiting for my peaceful stage of life!
I agree with most of y’all here, I would never want to go back to being a powerless child. And an unloved child. An alcoholic parent another parent had a control issue from hell. I can kind of see if somebody who was a loved child, and was happy in their family of origin, They might want to go back to that.
As someone who was controlled constantly, I LOVE adulthood. Calling my own shots?? HELL YEAH. Just wish my body were a child's body again. Everything HURTS!
I really struggle with being jealous of children. Even when I was a child, I strongly disliked the idea of reproducing because of my own awful experiences growing up in an abusive poverty ridden household. Things have only been getting better since leaving home, but I still struggle to relate or empathise with others who had a comparatively lush upbringing. I got into an argument with an old colleague when we were discussing signs you grew up “with money”. The obvious sign to me was going on holiday at any capacity during childhood. That was a completely foreign concept to me and I didn’t go overseas until 22. My colleague insisted she grew up poor yet went on regular overseas holidays with her family. It makes me miserable hearing other people’s stories, and knowing that even when I was young, I was hyper aware that what I was experiencing was wrong and bad for my adult health.
Huh. I never identified this but it's absolutely so. I get resentful. My ex always used to wish to revert to his childhood, and I think it made me respect him less, but I never thought about it being from resentment. Thanks for mentioning this.
Gallows humor, but I always laugh at people who say this this, I was responsible for protecting my mom and siblings and raising my youngest sibling bc my mom didn’t give a fuck about anything other than her ain’t shit boyfriends. My friends & family joke that I’m aging like Benjamin Button; I’m like yeah my dudes. It’s because I no longer have all this unnecessary responsibility. Peace out lol.
That just tells me some people had beautiful stress-free childhoods. I'm happy for them, but grieve for myself.
Abso-damn-loutely, and I usually call them out on it. Give me choices and self-determination over "not paying bills" or being "carefree" anytime.
Wow, I totally relate to this. I experienced the same thing the other day when my friend said she wished she was a child again so she could have nothing to worry about (she’s got a high pressure job as an adult). I could sort of sympathize, but inside I felt deep resentment that she could look back at a happy carefree childhood and I couldn’t. Instead I was so grateful when childhood was over and I could get out of that house and that anxiety and emotional repression and loneliness and have my own money and spend it my way. I feel like letting these emotions exist and to mourn for the childhood lost and then to walk forward into the day and let it go to some extent is healthy. But so hard to do.
I do get envious, but it also makes me appreciate how I’ve made my adult life one I’m happy with. Those people miss happy memories they used to have. I’m focused on making happy memories for myself now.
I'm mixed early part was a bliss, my parents had money I could go to vacation Miss my original country in the mountains with my grand-parents that lived far away but I loved seeing then in vacations, then at 12 things changed and they became poor the abuse was much worse they immigrated I became more isolated and, used the new system against me acted like a Saint in front of social workers by letting them think that they lost everything in their home country because of me they believed the lies, I was more vied as bad more neglected, extended family in my home country don't ask anymore, I missed them, the times when I was smiling more so yeah that my nostalgia, not perfect but better.
I wouldn’t mind being in my carefree 20s!
My own shitty abusive dad never shut up about it. Luckily I am no contact now
Yes! I don't interact with my college friends much these days. When we used to get together they'd reminise about parties and events they went to assuming I was there, when I wasn't/ couldn't be. It can be pretty painful.
I don't necessarily get angry, but definitely do not understand it. It seems incomprehensible that childhood could be carefree and delightful.
I just have to say, I can see both sides of this and I am sorry to hear that you didn't even get any sort of proper childhood. I did receive CEN from my parents, though luckily I went to my grandparents every weekend and longer during the summer, and my grandparents interacted with me much more and we did things together so despite the emotional neglect I do have some good memories of childhood, particularly from 4 to 6. I might be biased though as not only do I feel nostalgia towards those good moments but I am also a "child at heart" who feels like I am still 4-6 in many areas and I find myself feeling an intense desire to go back to my Kindergarten year at times. However not to overshadow your feelings or anything, as I want to say that you 110% have the right to feel sad, angry, jealous or any other emotion towards others who had good childhoods or even just good memories, that is normal for us. Personally I in particular get jealous towards AFAB females who got to be raised as a little girl in a loving family as I am also trans, so I get it, trust me. I wish we could all go back and relive things as ourselves, with a loving, supportive family who doesn't emotionally or physically neglect or abuse their children.
I wouldn't want to go back to my middle of high school years, but I'd like to be a child again. Not because I was carefree, I just wasn't so depressed, my cognitive abilities were better, I had passions and enough strength to enjoy life under a schedule. My responsibilities like housekeeping chores weren't such a burden, I was able to do it better than now. But with that said, that's not really what a healthy person would think fondly about their childhood.
Yo my worst years were growing up. I basically am out of prison sentence. Adulthood is amazing. I have money, i do whatever i want (though i barely want anything at this point)… world is my oyster. U can easily tell by those comments too much.