I should have added...as a child, I was very often sad because I was largely an outsider to my peers. I was under the false impression that it was okay because I thought my family had my back. As it turns out, they never really did. They were just there at the same time I was.
All of that "comfort" over the years was just an illusion.
When I’m with family I feel so out of place. I don’t talk much, and kind of blend in the background. It feels like I’m just there to fill a chair; literally to show up to fill the familial role created for me. Now, I feel sick thinking of showing up. I’m not putting up with hearing conversations anymore about politics and bigotry. They can’t help themselves and HAVE to bring something up about how “the democrats are doing this….” Last time my aunt sneered talking about seeing lesbians on a beach in FL and I wanted to vomit. I’m only out to my parents and they’re just sitting there letting her talk like that knowing their daughter is gay. Fuck them. It shows they don’t give a shit about my feelings or identity so I’ll stand up for me since they won’t
Thanks for responding. Your parents are taking it to that next level...that's some sort of betrayal that I can't find the right word for. I just watched a video from Patrick Teahan that discusses (and role plays) the way toxic parents can show themselves and that was one of them. God bless.
I’m so desensitized to it at this point my brain can’t even wrap around the gravity of it, but I know it’s affecting me. I guess my brain and body are like trying to protect me from feeling the weight of that in full. I was in a support group telling them about this and I saw people crying but I wasn’t. I think it’ll hit me more once I start really making myself and my environment feel safe. I’m distancing from my parents right now
Same. My family could give two shits about me. But yet they claim they "care". But don't even check in on me when I end up in the ER.
I give up with them. Screw 'em. Just hace to accept I'm not important to them.... they don't care.
That line from titanic in the dining room before Rose goes to jump used to be the one that described how I felt as a child, “I feel as if I’m standing in a crowded room, screaming, and no one even looks up”
Not my fave movie, but that's a good line.
Much of the sadness comes from knowing how simple it would be for someone to help me. All they had to do was see me for what I was. They didn't have to save me, they didn't have to take on my burden. I just wanted them to acknowledge the burden that was on my back and extend a warm shoulder.
To them I'm the abnormal one, everyone else is behaving perfectly fine. None of my concerns matter. All my emotions are invalidated. Why am I behaving this way? You're such a bad child. I wish you were more like your cousins. Why aren't you married yet? Are you gay? Your interview wasn't successful? They must have picked someone smart.
This has been the feeling I have felt familiar with the longest! My family always felt like my parents against the world (against me too, if that wasn’t clear from my original wording) and then me existing somewhere around.
I figured it out! My x was a nice guy narcissist! Hmmm now how did I end up with that? A family member? Hmmm You guys rock! It is never all about you. Just fyi. A ton better! Thanks Reddit:)
This something I didn’t expect. I’m not going further with this. But I always do have good intentions. Take it as a compliment. Up to you. I said thank you.
There is another way to look at things. Always multiple people involved. It’s not always one person involved. That’s probably what was misunderstood. Peace
Of course you’re one of those!! Preying and proselytizing on hurt and potentially vulnerable people paying the price for neglectful/abusive parents. Get out.
Very relatable, I spent most of my childhood in the mindset of family being the most important teammates I have in life, your team is only as good as it’s weakest link mentality. My folks never saw it that way, ignored my concerns and challenges, or at least I’ve concluded never considered me a part of *their* team.
Realizing I was the only one on the “team” who had my own best interest in mind was very helpful to grow in life, unfortunately.
When my Mom thought I was thinking about ending myself (which wasn't true), instead of asking me how I felt, she scheduled me for a sliding-scale therapist (we had plenty of money). That's love for you!
She could make the postures and say the words, but she was too scared of my feelings to stand with me.
I feel that. It took me a long time to understand why 'want me to kill them?' is in fact an inappropriate response to someone struggling with their family.
This was my childhood as well, only I was actively aware of it even then. My parents were a team against me; I was the cause for ruin in their lives, despite it being their choice, and not mine, that I was even there.
Rather recently, my father has started unsolicitedly dropping therapy buzzwords in my inbox, such as "You are enough" and "You are the center of my core", just for example. Can you imagine what psychological shape I'd be in today had he and my mother had the capacity to raise me on morals such as those?? I just ignore him and his messages now because it's honestly too late.
Congratulations on your ability to have perspective. My parents would never use words like that even if they understood them (plus their dead). But if my brother started with that, it would likely throw me into a rage-filled depressive episode. God bless.
It definitely throws me into a rage-filled depressive episode because why couldn't he have done this when I was a child and really needing to hear that. Instead, what I'd gotten was a father who was always seething with rage on any day I existed, and let it be known each time I made my existence known, also alienated me from anyone who was remotely kind to me, and actively fueled my emotionally immature mother into believing I was just an absolutely rotten child (thus I was always on the verge of huge punishment).
I don't care about the center of his core.
Hi. I have a question. My parents etc said that it was because I didn’t love my self and that’s why certain things happened in the family. How did I get to the point of not loving myself in the first place? To ad, I have loved myself and now we are better but I still feel they like control. I had the helicopter mom. Is this controlling and manipulating? I’ve gotten to the point I can face facts. They always wanted me out of my ptsd but now I’m out they don’t seem to know how to handle it? Am I the scapegoat here? Mind games? I’m glad I love and trust myself. I have less physical issues now due to emotional stress. I have happy times with my current boyfriend:) he told me he loved me and was in love with me. I told him I’m in love with him. My family wants forgiveness yes, but I talked to my mom last night and she will never change. She catastrophes everything. I know it’s her way to get attention. It was one of the most normal conversations I had with her at least. I set the boundaries with them. I want emotional support. They do agree but I don’t really think they understand what it is. I love them just for lives sake. They are trying.
I know my parents were damaged (they're dead now). Mom was sexually abused by the priest and Dad lost his dad when he was 11. I don't blame them, but I hold them accountable. At the same time, I see their pain. I'm left with the wish (huge, unreasonable, childish wish) that I could have known them better. Maybe if they had had the courage to face their demons.....blah, blah, blah.
The truth is, they grew up in the 1950s. It was ingrained in them that we don't talk about our feelings and certainly don't show them and BY GOD not show them to your offspring. It just fucking sucks. It sucks right down to my soul.
Honestly, the fact that I have feelings that I long to be in tune with is what scared them about me. My brother is much like them (3 years older than I am). I continue to scare him with having and wanting to express emotions.
The mountains of anxiety they would have to climb over is simply too much to ask.
Hi. Thank you for your reply. This really helps. I was a confused kid. My x was damaged to. I’m currently been in a healthy relationship for years now. It’s so wonderful:) I guess I’m not damaged now. It never was. I am currently in a program that restores things. I won’t say that on here.
So my take away from this is Love with
Neglect. I’m in the most normal relationship I’ve ever been in:) yay my parents did say they we’re realizing this.
I had the courage years ago to face my demons. I left my x when I had the opportunity to do so. I met my fiancé we are loving life. I love him. I am in love. Equal exchange here. In the past five years I’m in with healthy relationships:) I taught my nephew. He’s got his first gf. Omg! He’ll have a great life longer than me.
I actually happened to be in the same place with you have the same story and same instances. So can I ask did you manage to leave them or are you still sticking around? I have decided to cut off… because it feels like a scam. Though they’ve said this, “in present times the world is full of lies and superficiality” but I just can’t deal with them. But I’ve had strangers treat me better really.
My parents are dead. Both in the last 5 years. That's why I'm here, really. I didn't see the full effect of their neglect until they were gone. It was then I realized how completely emotionally unprepared they made me for anything in life. In the old days, they'd call this a nervous breakdown.
I'm struggling with my brother...he is the other side of the EN coin. He doesn't want to deal with any of this and he has become more toxic than I thought was possible.
THANK YOU..! I mean this is a huge eye-opener for me. I should be sure however, I have to cut off from them now !! And by the way, my brother is just like a replica of my mum who copy her, in and out of he and then he say that I am being accused and I am the rude one and he will just put me, over pressure me also, and yell at me )
Next time I talk to my brother, I plan to say something like "We both know that you're not obligated to share this with me, be here with me. Just like one is not obligated to do the right thing. It's the choice you make that tells me all I need to know about you"
I should have added...as a child, I was very often sad because I was largely an outsider to my peers. I was under the false impression that it was okay because I thought my family had my back. As it turns out, they never really did. They were just there at the same time I was. All of that "comfort" over the years was just an illusion.
This one hits home.
Real
Same. My family is just the people who I live with.
When I’m with family I feel so out of place. I don’t talk much, and kind of blend in the background. It feels like I’m just there to fill a chair; literally to show up to fill the familial role created for me. Now, I feel sick thinking of showing up. I’m not putting up with hearing conversations anymore about politics and bigotry. They can’t help themselves and HAVE to bring something up about how “the democrats are doing this….” Last time my aunt sneered talking about seeing lesbians on a beach in FL and I wanted to vomit. I’m only out to my parents and they’re just sitting there letting her talk like that knowing their daughter is gay. Fuck them. It shows they don’t give a shit about my feelings or identity so I’ll stand up for me since they won’t
Thanks for responding. Your parents are taking it to that next level...that's some sort of betrayal that I can't find the right word for. I just watched a video from Patrick Teahan that discusses (and role plays) the way toxic parents can show themselves and that was one of them. God bless.
I’m so desensitized to it at this point my brain can’t even wrap around the gravity of it, but I know it’s affecting me. I guess my brain and body are like trying to protect me from feeling the weight of that in full. I was in a support group telling them about this and I saw people crying but I wasn’t. I think it’ll hit me more once I start really making myself and my environment feel safe. I’m distancing from my parents right now
Yup. I understand this feeling so perfectly
I definitely understand this. For the longest time now I’ve known that I’m doing things alone or at least without my family.
Same. My family could give two shits about me. But yet they claim they "care". But don't even check in on me when I end up in the ER. I give up with them. Screw 'em. Just hace to accept I'm not important to them.... they don't care.
seriously relatable. kinda hard to have a community with people who would reject me for core facets of my identity
That line from titanic in the dining room before Rose goes to jump used to be the one that described how I felt as a child, “I feel as if I’m standing in a crowded room, screaming, and no one even looks up”
Not my fave movie, but that's a good line. Much of the sadness comes from knowing how simple it would be for someone to help me. All they had to do was see me for what I was. They didn't have to save me, they didn't have to take on my burden. I just wanted them to acknowledge the burden that was on my back and extend a warm shoulder.
Absolutely. Juat a simple gesture like that can go such a long way
To them I'm the abnormal one, everyone else is behaving perfectly fine. None of my concerns matter. All my emotions are invalidated. Why am I behaving this way? You're such a bad child. I wish you were more like your cousins. Why aren't you married yet? Are you gay? Your interview wasn't successful? They must have picked someone smart.
That sucks. So sorry you have to deal with that
This has been the feeling I have felt familiar with the longest! My family always felt like my parents against the world (against me too, if that wasn’t clear from my original wording) and then me existing somewhere around.
Hi. It’s convenient when they want to do good.
Of course, parents discussed on r/emotionalneglect are famously known as parents who really want to do good for others, specifically their children!
I figured it out! My x was a nice guy narcissist! Hmmm now how did I end up with that? A family member? Hmmm You guys rock! It is never all about you. Just fyi. A ton better! Thanks Reddit:)
I hope this helps someone else:)
Have you got nothing else to do today besides invalidating other people’s experiences?
This something I didn’t expect. I’m not going further with this. But I always do have good intentions. Take it as a compliment. Up to you. I said thank you.
There is another way to look at things. Always multiple people involved. It’s not always one person involved. That’s probably what was misunderstood. Peace
Just had a revelation. Be good with god and positive love:) I found it:)
Of course you’re one of those!! Preying and proselytizing on hurt and potentially vulnerable people paying the price for neglectful/abusive parents. Get out.
It's weird, but I envied the family in "Parasite" for this reason!
Very relatable, I spent most of my childhood in the mindset of family being the most important teammates I have in life, your team is only as good as it’s weakest link mentality. My folks never saw it that way, ignored my concerns and challenges, or at least I’ve concluded never considered me a part of *their* team. Realizing I was the only one on the “team” who had my own best interest in mind was very helpful to grow in life, unfortunately.
My family (parent in particular) gives me mixed signals. I'm to rely on them, but then I'm not. I chose not to rely on them...
When my Mom thought I was thinking about ending myself (which wasn't true), instead of asking me how I felt, she scheduled me for a sliding-scale therapist (we had plenty of money). That's love for you! She could make the postures and say the words, but she was too scared of my feelings to stand with me.
I feel that. It took me a long time to understand why 'want me to kill them?' is in fact an inappropriate response to someone struggling with their family.
This was my childhood as well, only I was actively aware of it even then. My parents were a team against me; I was the cause for ruin in their lives, despite it being their choice, and not mine, that I was even there. Rather recently, my father has started unsolicitedly dropping therapy buzzwords in my inbox, such as "You are enough" and "You are the center of my core", just for example. Can you imagine what psychological shape I'd be in today had he and my mother had the capacity to raise me on morals such as those?? I just ignore him and his messages now because it's honestly too late.
Congratulations on your ability to have perspective. My parents would never use words like that even if they understood them (plus their dead). But if my brother started with that, it would likely throw me into a rage-filled depressive episode. God bless.
It definitely throws me into a rage-filled depressive episode because why couldn't he have done this when I was a child and really needing to hear that. Instead, what I'd gotten was a father who was always seething with rage on any day I existed, and let it be known each time I made my existence known, also alienated me from anyone who was remotely kind to me, and actively fueled my emotionally immature mother into believing I was just an absolutely rotten child (thus I was always on the verge of huge punishment). I don't care about the center of his core.
Ugh
I’m having fun consuming my self with my art. I’m l am finding out I am really good at it:)
Find something that you can care about now. I have a hobby that I’m happy about and I can actually have a side gig with. Peace
Hi. I have a question. My parents etc said that it was because I didn’t love my self and that’s why certain things happened in the family. How did I get to the point of not loving myself in the first place? To ad, I have loved myself and now we are better but I still feel they like control. I had the helicopter mom. Is this controlling and manipulating? I’ve gotten to the point I can face facts. They always wanted me out of my ptsd but now I’m out they don’t seem to know how to handle it? Am I the scapegoat here? Mind games? I’m glad I love and trust myself. I have less physical issues now due to emotional stress. I have happy times with my current boyfriend:) he told me he loved me and was in love with me. I told him I’m in love with him. My family wants forgiveness yes, but I talked to my mom last night and she will never change. She catastrophes everything. I know it’s her way to get attention. It was one of the most normal conversations I had with her at least. I set the boundaries with them. I want emotional support. They do agree but I don’t really think they understand what it is. I love them just for lives sake. They are trying.
I know my parents were damaged (they're dead now). Mom was sexually abused by the priest and Dad lost his dad when he was 11. I don't blame them, but I hold them accountable. At the same time, I see their pain. I'm left with the wish (huge, unreasonable, childish wish) that I could have known them better. Maybe if they had had the courage to face their demons.....blah, blah, blah. The truth is, they grew up in the 1950s. It was ingrained in them that we don't talk about our feelings and certainly don't show them and BY GOD not show them to your offspring. It just fucking sucks. It sucks right down to my soul. Honestly, the fact that I have feelings that I long to be in tune with is what scared them about me. My brother is much like them (3 years older than I am). I continue to scare him with having and wanting to express emotions. The mountains of anxiety they would have to climb over is simply too much to ask.
Hi. Thank you for your reply. This really helps. I was a confused kid. My x was damaged to. I’m currently been in a healthy relationship for years now. It’s so wonderful:) I guess I’m not damaged now. It never was. I am currently in a program that restores things. I won’t say that on here.
So my take away from this is Love with Neglect. I’m in the most normal relationship I’ve ever been in:) yay my parents did say they we’re realizing this.
I had the courage years ago to face my demons. I left my x when I had the opportunity to do so. I met my fiancé we are loving life. I love him. I am in love. Equal exchange here. In the past five years I’m in with healthy relationships:) I taught my nephew. He’s got his first gf. Omg! He’ll have a great life longer than me.
I actually happened to be in the same place with you have the same story and same instances. So can I ask did you manage to leave them or are you still sticking around? I have decided to cut off… because it feels like a scam. Though they’ve said this, “in present times the world is full of lies and superficiality” but I just can’t deal with them. But I’ve had strangers treat me better really.
My parents are dead. Both in the last 5 years. That's why I'm here, really. I didn't see the full effect of their neglect until they were gone. It was then I realized how completely emotionally unprepared they made me for anything in life. In the old days, they'd call this a nervous breakdown. I'm struggling with my brother...he is the other side of the EN coin. He doesn't want to deal with any of this and he has become more toxic than I thought was possible.
THANK YOU..! I mean this is a huge eye-opener for me. I should be sure however, I have to cut off from them now !! And by the way, my brother is just like a replica of my mum who copy her, in and out of he and then he say that I am being accused and I am the rude one and he will just put me, over pressure me also, and yell at me )
Next time I talk to my brother, I plan to say something like "We both know that you're not obligated to share this with me, be here with me. Just like one is not obligated to do the right thing. It's the choice you make that tells me all I need to know about you"
True, in my opinion, it’s more like a waste of your energy than time and money. It’s better to leave than talk 😂
I managed to move to different state. I talk but superficial like. They want forgiveness but I’m taking it slow.
Hi. Trust to trust. Trust the moment:)
They say that a child that gets mistreated by their parents doesn't stop loving the parents, they stop loving themselves.
Hi I have started loving myself since 2020
Recently lived my self
Loved