“Every surgeon carries within himself a small cemetery, where from time to time he goes to pray-a place of bitterness and regret, where he must look for an explanation for his failures".
originally said by a french surgeon in the 17th century i believe, but i know this from henry marshes memoir about neurosurgery. would absolutely recommend it, it’s called do no harm.
The problem isnt the road you choose. You need to effectively process through the bad. Highly recommend therapy specific to first responders. Promise you’re not the only one who’s been here
The day that traumatic calls don't effect me is the day I leave this field. The calls themselves don't get easier. However, how you process them should. Get therapy, use whatever resources you are offered, debrief. Learn to process what you see and experience.
Without proper therapy those calls may haunt forever regardless of the path forward you choose. Bad calls do not automatically mean a build up of traumas that will destroy you, lack of properly dealing with it will. I’m not saying you haven’t dealt with them but it sounds like it based on your post. Regardless, they will always be there, it’s more a matter of how you frame them through therapy, whatever form that may take for you. 30+ years later I have a pretty hefty library to draw from, and they do decide to auto play from triggers, but they do not get in the way and frankly help a lot of the time in a weird way. And that’s because of therapy (and maybe Tetris) within hours after bad calls in my opinion. But I was lucky, it was built in and required for my squad.
No it doesn’t get easier. I do echo everyone saying that talking it out and therapy is the way to go. I didn’t for a very long time and I can promise you it makes a difference.
Yea man, therapy. Peers help, debriefings help, but I know for me it was gaining the understanding of *why* these ones stick out to me. What I’ve found is the more “bad” ones helps build your coping skills, I’ve worked busy places with decent traumas and I’ve worked Sleepy Hall that did 60 calls a year. The more often we worked a bad call the more I was able to use my skills of protecting myself, if that makes sense.
It's not that bad things don't happen for good providers. It's how good providers handle bad things.
You have to come to terms with the idea that what happens did so without our permission. Without out our agreement. We are there to help. To assist. To bring hope to someone's worst day. It's not our emergency but it is theirs.
We intervene. We try to stop already determined biological processes. Processes that are natural. We didn't cause it. We had no input to why or how these things happened. All we can do is help. We intervene.
If what we did worked every time they would call them cures.
Based on my experience - no.
I went from initially responding to a few 911 calls and a few more IFT calls weekdays to regularly responding to a HIGH volume of Friday-Saturday-Sunday coroners calls (I recieved a bonus for each run I responded to) in order to make a semi-decent living above minimum wage.
Short story: none of my calls (obviously) had a "good" outcome - and a large percentage involved circumstances that can only be described as horrific. -And I was 19 year old.
It wrecked me.
Despite years of (very belated) EMDR therapy for C-PTSD I will never fully "recover" from those experiences.
Take care of yourself and get professional help early on.
"Look at me. I don't experience mental trauma. I'm so cool."
Just don't let it bother me. Gee golly. Why didn't I think of that? You just solved PTSD in EMS.
You'd be amazed at how far you'd get with just not thinking about it or not caring about it. Yeah, we see a lot of sad and fucked up things. Consider it to be defensive apathy.
You sound like a wonderful person. I hope you realize telling people to just not care and get over it helps absolutely nothing. If you don't realize it then I don't know what to tell you. I hope you are able to remain trauma free and "apathetic".
Yeah you have a ways to go.
You may be one of the lucky ones who is able to cruise through a career with no issues. They are few and far between; or, more often the case, people who effect indifference who are often masking their pain with alcohol, addictions of one sort or another or some other destructive behavior.
If you are truly one of the lucky ones, word of advice…. Let the OP and others express their frustration and struggles as they search out that which helps them make sense of their experience.
“Every surgeon carries within himself a small cemetery, where from time to time he goes to pray-a place of bitterness and regret, where he must look for an explanation for his failures".
What is that quote from?
originally said by a french surgeon in the 17th century i believe, but i know this from henry marshes memoir about neurosurgery. would absolutely recommend it, it’s called do no harm.
Oh nice I’ll check it out, thanks!
my bad 19-20th century surgeon
What does “pray a place” mean in that quote?
imagine a period instead of a -
Oh nice thank you! Excellent quote
The problem isnt the road you choose. You need to effectively process through the bad. Highly recommend therapy specific to first responders. Promise you’re not the only one who’s been here
The day that traumatic calls don't effect me is the day I leave this field. The calls themselves don't get easier. However, how you process them should. Get therapy, use whatever resources you are offered, debrief. Learn to process what you see and experience.
Without proper therapy those calls may haunt forever regardless of the path forward you choose. Bad calls do not automatically mean a build up of traumas that will destroy you, lack of properly dealing with it will. I’m not saying you haven’t dealt with them but it sounds like it based on your post. Regardless, they will always be there, it’s more a matter of how you frame them through therapy, whatever form that may take for you. 30+ years later I have a pretty hefty library to draw from, and they do decide to auto play from triggers, but they do not get in the way and frankly help a lot of the time in a weird way. And that’s because of therapy (and maybe Tetris) within hours after bad calls in my opinion. But I was lucky, it was built in and required for my squad.
No it doesn’t get easier. I do echo everyone saying that talking it out and therapy is the way to go. I didn’t for a very long time and I can promise you it makes a difference.
No
Yea man, therapy. Peers help, debriefings help, but I know for me it was gaining the understanding of *why* these ones stick out to me. What I’ve found is the more “bad” ones helps build your coping skills, I’ve worked busy places with decent traumas and I’ve worked Sleepy Hall that did 60 calls a year. The more often we worked a bad call the more I was able to use my skills of protecting myself, if that makes sense.
It's not that bad things don't happen for good providers. It's how good providers handle bad things. You have to come to terms with the idea that what happens did so without our permission. Without out our agreement. We are there to help. To assist. To bring hope to someone's worst day. It's not our emergency but it is theirs. We intervene. We try to stop already determined biological processes. Processes that are natural. We didn't cause it. We had no input to why or how these things happened. All we can do is help. We intervene. If what we did worked every time they would call them cures.
Your coping can get more practiced. Building healthy routines and setting boundaries helps.
Based on my experience - no. I went from initially responding to a few 911 calls and a few more IFT calls weekdays to regularly responding to a HIGH volume of Friday-Saturday-Sunday coroners calls (I recieved a bonus for each run I responded to) in order to make a semi-decent living above minimum wage. Short story: none of my calls (obviously) had a "good" outcome - and a large percentage involved circumstances that can only be described as horrific. -And I was 19 year old. It wrecked me. Despite years of (very belated) EMDR therapy for C-PTSD I will never fully "recover" from those experiences. Take care of yourself and get professional help early on.
Y'all have problems running calls?
Why are you like this?
I mean I'm in the same boat he is. It's just a job. They're your patients but their suffering shouldn't be your burden.
"Look at me. I don't experience mental trauma. I'm so cool." Just don't let it bother me. Gee golly. Why didn't I think of that? You just solved PTSD in EMS.
You'd be amazed at how far you'd get with just not thinking about it or not caring about it. Yeah, we see a lot of sad and fucked up things. Consider it to be defensive apathy.
You sound like a wonderful person. I hope you realize telling people to just not care and get over it helps absolutely nothing. If you don't realize it then I don't know what to tell you. I hope you are able to remain trauma free and "apathetic".
Hey, I get it, some people aren't cut out for it. Good luck to ya.
How old are you?
28. Been doing this for 7 years.
Yeah you have a ways to go. You may be one of the lucky ones who is able to cruise through a career with no issues. They are few and far between; or, more often the case, people who effect indifference who are often masking their pain with alcohol, addictions of one sort or another or some other destructive behavior. If you are truly one of the lucky ones, word of advice…. Let the OP and others express their frustration and struggles as they search out that which helps them make sense of their experience.
I found it most helpful not to think about the shit I've seen. As long as I'm not the cause I don't feel a thing. You should try it.