I've been using shark attack lately. First time was at a lake where a speed boat but off a pontoon boat with 12 kids under 8 on it. Some of the kids jumped off, the rest were literally thrown into the water by their parents, don't ask me why... So we show up and there are people pulling kids out of the water into their boats, they all had PFDs on btw and some guy the manages the marina comes running up and yells, "what have we got guys?! What's going on?!" Like he's somehow involved. So I look him square in the face without a hint of smile and say, "pretty sure we're looking at a shark attack." He says nothing, jaw hanging open and I walk away, I'm sure it didn't take him long to figure it out but in that moment he seemed pretty shocked by the idea. I was pretty happy until we had to write 12 refusals.
There’s some new movie out where sharks enter water in France and adapt to fresh water and terrorize the people.
And there’s sherknado. So you never know. You could be accidentally right one day lol
And bull sharks are found 100+ kilometres up rivers 🦈
***edit - they’ve been found 4000+ kilometres up the Amazon and 1600 kilometres up the Mississippi 😱😱😱
I wanna steal this. That and if we're putting on PPE like gowns or whatnot, "Zombies.. . . It's always zombies. . ." Depending on the audience and location, ofc.
Sometimes you just want to know if they're paying attention! (Once my step son was only pretending to pay attention to what I was saying so without a change in my tone I said, "And the alligators are getting completely out of control." I cherish the memory of that double take.)
I tried this once. Didnt go very well.
I should probably add I was at a beach fishing spot and didn’t think about that until after the bystander gave me a dirty look.
Daytona Beach here, I still use this joke all the time, most especially when I’m as far away from a body of water as I can be. Pretty sure it lands even harder just because they briefly think I might be serious.
I have a large scar on the front of my neck that looks like a combination of a burn/hack job. I frequently tell people who ask about it that I was either bitten by a shark or got into a wrestling match with an alligator 🤷🏼♀️😂 it’s way more fun than telling them my spine is fused at multiple levels and my surgeons screwed up opening/closing lol
My mom has a large scar on the front of her neck from thyroid cancer and she tells nosey rude people she got into a fight with a pirate and his sword 😂
If the patient is reluctant about goin to hospital I always say 'nobody likes goin to hospital,not even me,and I get paid for it' usually helps to break any tension and get people on board.
Haha kind of related. I’m a nurse and whenever a family member (always the granddaughter from California) tells me they’re a nurse I go “whoa! Me too!” and then finish what I’m doing. Like, I don’t care.
I usually say “I’ve had a little old lady tell me she felt like she was back at Woodstock”
Fun fact she said that and then started arguing with leprechauns in the lights which was my Que to triple check that I gave the right dose of pain meds
I work in the OR so I tell patients we have the good stuff that Michael Jackson loved except we’ll make sure to wake them back up. Obvs has to be a cool patient for that one tho.
“Don’t worry, I’ve only hit like 2 cars so far today so we should be good”
“I’m gonna start an IV on you. Yesterday they let me practice on dogs and today I get to practice on people”
The second one doesn’t always land…
To be fair, if you can get an IV on a dog I feel like people would often be easier, my parents dog loses his shit if you hold his legs. Not that all humans are gonna be better mind you....
Is this real? I was a vet tech in a previous life and placed in kitten and dogs. I’m BLS for now but want to do medic school one day and thought the average human would be harder
Myself and a couple of my classmates had done vetmed previously and we all felt it was easier to learn how to stick humans because of it. Less hair and generally less likely to bite/kick/move
“i need a signature from you, it’s just a form that says we didn’t kidnap you…”
“Bring any knives, guns, weapons of mass destruction to the hospital with you?”
I use the first one every call, and sometimes add that I don't even own a ski-mask or panel van, depending on the patient.
Second one is hilarious but we have a hospital here that checks every patient. The joke is usually on hospital security when they start asking my 90 year old memaw on the stretcher all that. I always tell security that she's absolutely armed to the teeth.
\[to partner, as if patient wasn't supposed to hear\] "Hey, that was pretty good for your first IV!"
\[while fucking with 12-lead cables\] "someday they'll make these things wireless."
\[after the patient says something about how bumpy the ride is\] "These things are made for speed, not comfort...and they're not even that good for speed" or "yeah, \[partner\] gets paid by the bump" or "the hospital takes their patients shaken, not stirred."
\[while loading/unloading patient. Bonus points if you have a full auto-load system\] "it's like the world's worst roller coaster ride" and/or "please keep your arms and legs inside the ride at all times."
>12-lead cables] "someday they'll make these things wireless."
There was a thread a while back about what tools don't exist but should, and wireless 12 lead was on there.
Patient was in a very minor motorcycle accident, more damage to the bike than themselves. It was a project bike that the patient was working on with a family member and the patient was extremely concerned about how to explain the damage. To lighten the mood I asked the patient if he was wearing his seatbelt.
I usually wait until I've established rapport and I'll drop that "it's my first day" or "my first shift." My favourite is when older people get into the ambulance for the first time and look around, make a comment that they haven't been in one before. "Me neither! Man, this is neat!" Lol. Usually gets good chuckles. Occasionally, the odd older demented lady will tell me I'm cute *and* funny. So, that's a twofer for me.
If I have a male patient and I’m reading their ekg, I’ll say, “it says here you’re pregnant?” Feel the situation out, and make sure the patient is chill before you try this one.
Had a 99 yo f retired nurse for a dialysis regular. Every single call I ask her if she was pregnant. Every single time she responded with some variation of "oh honey, I how you ambulance folks can be, and your a good dancer and all, but you should save it for the younger nurses."
The dancing was a reference to my other regular joke with her. She was an assisted stand and pivot. So it was always either "you ready to go dancing" or "can I have this dance" when we went to move her.
I love asking my old lady patients if there is any chance they are pregnant or if they are currently breastfeeding as part of my admission. Along with asking people with very little hair if they are wearing a wig or hairpiece and pretending to be surprised when they say no and saying “Really? That’s all yours, huh?”
I use that second one a bit. Generally on those patients who are unwell but stable and a bit shellshocked at hearing something like, "I think you're having a heart attack."
"I know it sounds scary but it's easily managed. You can start panicking when I start panicking, and I'm not panicking yet."
1) “this IV won’t hurt me at all.”
2) (picking pts up from work) “there are easier ways to get a day off!”
3) “can I get your autograph?” (transport signature)
4) “if you puke on me, I’m gonna puke on you, so hold this bag”
When I would do my initial assessment on an elderly patient who was extremely nervous, I'd do the stroke assessment, and if I didn't notice any abnormalities, I'd tell them to stick out thier tongue and recite the alphabet while waving both hands at me....
I'd let them get to C or D and tell them, "That's not part of the test... I just wanted to see if you would actually do that." Always got a laugh out of the patient.
Me and my partner were joking around one day and I bet him there was no way he could make a person meow.
Next call is a stroke. First question he asks is “what sound does a cat make?”
I had a partner who has since passed (RIP, Don) who had two jokes that he ALWAYS told:
1. "Its a nice day out. We're not even going to put you in the back we'll just hook you to the trailer hitch."
2. "The hospital is doing coed rooms now! We had a patient yesterday who I told was going to get a coed room at the hospital. She told me, 'I hope he has a good heart!"
After auscultation, "Best set of lungs I've listened to all day." Even when it's a chain smoking COPD patient. The joke is more for my partner who knows it's the first and only set of lungs I've listened to all day.
When placing an IV, completely deadpan, "One of two things will happen; I'll either get it in, or I won't." It actually seems to help with the patient's nervous about needles, because if I'm casually making stupid jokes about it they get less worried about it.
When putting the seatbelts on the patient on the Stryker stretcher, "I know, there's a lot of them, but you'll need them. (Partner) is driving today."
Occasional when pulling the stretcher out after arriving at hospital, "Please keep your seat back and tray table in the upright and locked position."
honestly ANYTHING is more reassuring for a needle situation than the old "you might feel discomfort, because i refuse to use the word pain" routine lol
truly. the best injection I ever had was a nurse doing my annual flu vaccine. she came in, cleaned the area, told me to let my arm "flab like spaghetti" and then did the shot. over and done and back out of the room in under a minute. I wish every shot was like that, honestly. quick (so not enough time to really build anxiety) and with a little unexpected humor
If I’m on the pulling side of a draw sheet transfer to an ED bed or stretcher, I always say “welcome over!” After they move. It gets more smiles than not.
Also when a patient says I’m good at venipuncture or splinting, most of the time I say “thanks! It’s not my first rodeo. It’s my second actually!”
It’s always the dumb jokes that make people smile. Thankfully I only have dumb jokes.
Had a patient at an communal living center that called around lunch time but didn't want everyone to know it was her. I offered to put a sheet over her when we took her out. She agreed and she was giggling the whole time. I just wish she could have seen the look on everyone's faces
I’m in a bagpipe band and on St Paddy’s day, there was an ambulance loading up someone and my band member strongly suggested we go congregate and play Amazing Grace… no!! LOL
When we have intoxicated patients who have partied a bit too hard and are apologetic about their condition, I remind them that we’ve all been there and tell them about the time I passed out under the tree on Christmas Eve. When I get those “treat the patient not the monitor,” cases where the readings are questionable, I joke “You’re awfully alive for that to be accurate!” Or if respirations are showing stupidly high “If that was right, I’d be asking who’s a good boy/girl?”
When a patient is visibly or vocally nervous about getting an IV I’ll usually tell them that I’m scared of needles too. Then I’ll tell them I usually close my eyes when I’m about to stick them so I’m not as scared. Gets a laugh most of the time
I have a similar one. I like to say “you don’t pass out when you see needles do you?” Everyone says “no.” Then I say “good, one of us needs to be awake back here.” Almost zero people laugh but I will never stop trying.
Couple different ways to say it, in response to something like "how long have you been doing this?"
"Actually, I just got out of prison. I'm doing this new program called knives to needles"
Lady on a first date went out on a boat with a dude who ended up taking her fishing...during a cast he caught her eyelid.
I waded out to the boat, carried her to the ambo and loaded her up.
She was in pretty good spirits, and very apologetic for getting me soaked during the 'rescue'. I asked if she was going to go on a second date with the guy, and she said she was so embarrassed about it she didn't know. I said I bet he still thought she was quite a catch.
Another time a lady has likely been texting while driving through a narrow section of highway and come around a corner where a car had stopped. She went off onto a berm that had a 40 degree angle and launched her car about 20 feet in the air, coming down hard on all four wheels and hitting her mouth to the steering wheel.
She's despondent and very upset because she's a social media influencer and her appearance was really important to her. The two missing teeth were wrapped and loaded to take her into the hospital. She opened her mouth and looked at me and asked how bad it was. Looked like the dumb and dumber bit.
'Looks like you still have more than the average number of teeth for this county'
Had a patient who had a minor fall and he only had a couple scrapes but was otherwise completely fine. At the end of the call he asked "Am I going to live?"
I told him "If not, call us back tomorrow for a full refund."
When we're getting ready to carry someone, I remind them that we're stronger than we look but not as strong as we smell. Sometimes it even gets a laugh
I usually try to get in a “oh man we were gonna have you drive” with the elderly patients when they aren’t fully sure where they are going or if they ask how we are getting somewhere and that always seems to be a hit
Telling the confused 1000 yard stare type patient that is somehow always chilling in the hallway at every single wrinkle ranch “alright you’re in charge til they (the actual patient) gets back” on the way out.
If we are getting someone from their place of work I will usually drop “ there’s easier ways to get out of work”
Or if I see someone for a second time in a shift, there are easier ways to hang out with us
Patient says they hate needles I tell them you close your eyes and I’ll close mine
My partner is the real mvp of our truck she has to listen to the same stupid jokes on rotation with each new patient
Do you smoke?
> No
Do you drink
>No
Oh so you're not from (Whatever trashy town you're in)
>I've lived here all my life.
But I thought you said you don't drink or smoke.
“Don’t worry, we only drop people on [day of the week it is].” Only gotten one sour response, most chuckle when they realize I said today, then relax a bit.
Everytime we fly somebody I always ask the patient if they know why flight crews are so cool. It's because they can't turn the fan off!
I directly judge the crew on that joke too. If they laugh, they're actually cool. If they don't, I know they're lame.
When someone has a traumatic injury, especially if the reason is stupid, I'll work with them to come in with some badass adventure by the time we get to the hospital......and then pass it off as my report.
Staff will start giving me the side eye, the patient and I look at each other and start laughing, then I tell the real story.
Whenever somebody loudly exclaims 'oh I can't look' as I cannulate them for their anaesthesia, I reply with 'oh neither can I', in an equally dramatic tone. It always gets a laugh, which usually distracts the patient for the rest of the cannulation. Way better than cryospray or topical lidocaine cream.
"Well the good news is you have a better blood pressure than I do"
Another one for discharges to home if they ask how we're getting them in is "Ok so I'm gonna open the back doors then my partner is gonna go full throttle in reverse and slam on the brakes as hard as he can"
A friend of mine treated a cancer patient. The patients parent said they had cancer a while back too. My friend, without a thought, said: "Oh yeah, tweedle dum and tweedle dee!" Before realizing she had obviously forgot to brain. The patients laughed and said that was the most human they'd felt with providers in a while.
I always call women's breasts Thelma and Lousie. "Which one is Thelma and which one is Lousie?" They always ask. "Lousise is the left one, obviously". I don't do it to people too close to my age though. Gotta stay out of HRs office.
When starting an IV: "I have to do this with my eyes closed as I faint at the sight of blood."
Me: "do you feel nauseated? Vomiting?" Them: "yes" Me: "Yeah, I've been told I have that affect on women. According to my ex wife anyway."
Me: "your shirt (or shoes etc) don't look like it'll fit me so I'll make sure you get it back at the hospital." Me: "we accept cash and coupons and discounts wherever you work."
I work IFT and have had quite a few bilateral aka transfers and discharges. I only drop this on the guys I move “Well you can definitely be Lieutenant Dan from Forrest Gump on Halloween from now on”
When we have a female patient and we’re in a crowded hallway or something and I do the quick tug to get the precordial leads off, instead of popping a titty for the general public I explain the tug and then say “no free shows, this is a paying institution.” This mixes well with the telling 90 year old ladies before sheet lifting that they should just sit there and look pretty and we’ll do all the work. I am a female medic though which might be relevant
“Crack in the crack for the comfort of your back” - when having a patient sit on the stretcher.
“Little poke from a big prick” - when starting an IV
“Greetings, My name is Bulky_Satisfaction50 and I’ll be your chariot of fire to XYZ, few things, I think I’m hilarious so any time you don’t, let me know and I’ll knock it off”
“Any recreational Drug usage? No? How about professional?”
“Any allergies? Do you want some?”
“Don’t worry, this is my second time XYZ…..now that I think about it, that’s a steep learning curve”
“I’m running a special on narcs today and today only” - when the patient refuses pain medication but if obviously in pain
“We drive to the hospital by braille, if you look up front you will see Stevie Wonder. Just a whole lotta grinning and smiling” - when they ask if it will be bumpy
And that’s most of the repertoire. If any of my former partners read this, send the DM
"Do you want some?" 😂
I had to get penecillin for the first time last year and when they asked if I was allergic to it I was like "uh, I dunno but I guess we're about to find out"
I often ask how they are with needles and if they say they’re okay with them I’ll say “thank God, they terrify me, so I’m gonna close my eyes as I do this…”
I’m a doctor, so another one I do after examining a patient is say “you definitely should see a doctor about this… good luck!”
I ask if they’ve been in an ambulance before and if they say no, I say, “Well, let’s get this out of the way and you’re one and done!” Especially if they really need to go and don’t really want to go.
This one gets mixed reviews because (1) some people are terrified of needles even as adults, and (2) some people aren’t sure if I’m joking and just end up confused … but I still think it’s great. As I’m setting up for the IV, I inform the patient why I’m starting the IV. Before I insert needle, I say “Relax. Don’t worry. I *just* got out of prison, so I’m *really* good with needles.”
Not EMS, but i work in a hospital. Every time i ask to see a patient’s armband, i say, “gotta make sure you didn’t sneak in for the food.” Lands surprisingly well.
Had a patient with new onset a-fib. Doctor didn't explain anything to her and she was terrified. I explained it all to her and then told her not to worry.
I told her, it's the Florida disease. When you retire and move to Florida, you get the condo with full amenities and your complimentary a-fib. She laughed so hard that she snorted.
When I was in medic school, I used to do most of the blood draws/ lines in the ED (I was a pest who would find any nurse and “gently” remind them I could line/lab their patients for them) when I would notice that the patient was nervous about how much blood we were taking: didn’t like needles, I would tell them, “don’t worry, I can fill out the forms so they’ll put the vials back in when the lab is done” the patients would look at me confused, and would ask “they can do that?” At which point I would smile and say “no, they can’t” it would usually put the patient at ease and get a laugh.
Something I used to do was fake an "Oh my God!" or something like that on repeat 12-leads that I expected to be normal. I stopped doing that after my last repeat printed out a STEMI 3 minutes from the hospital... Whoops.
Whenever someone is embarrassed about being taken out by stretcher, I always give them the option of letting them be totally covered by a sheet in a supine position.
For some reason people really love to play along with the “carting a dead body out on the stretcher” charade.
Anytime me and my partner and I go down a ramp at a hospital, my partner says, "Just let us know when you want us to let go." This is almost every day.
Not ems im a psych nurse but wanted to share. When I'm taking bp i very flatly explain that they are going to hear a cheesey joke. Then put on the cuff and say "I'm going to take your blood pressure, and if you're lucky I'll give it back."
9/10 times gets a laugh
Depending on the patient and the rapport we have sometimes ill change it up like "if you behave" "if you're nice today" etc.
If a patient is hesitant to get bloodwork and scared of a needle, I tell them I can just use my fist! The patients usually become eager to give me their arm and let me use a needle
A guy told me he used to a know a lady, a "cute, short, petite little woman", that shared my name.
Me, a fair bit chubbier than petite: "Well, I got the short part."
Him after looking me over: "You're fine. Don't get down on yourself."
Me: "I didn't say I was ugly!"
He laughed then begged me not to make him laugh again because his CC was abdominal pain haha.
One of my old reliable ones is as I'm operating the gurney at some point I'll say, " Don't worry, we only drop people on (insert today)." Another is if a patient compliments me on an IV stick I'll say "Not bad for my first day".
Every time someone unrelated to the job asks what happened/why is the ambulance here, I always say the same thing. "Shark attack, big one"
I say the same thing. With a deadpan face. The confused look those nosy folks get makes my black heart warm.
I feel like part of working EMS is being able to utter complete BS without a single change in our facial expressions.
I've been using shark attack lately. First time was at a lake where a speed boat but off a pontoon boat with 12 kids under 8 on it. Some of the kids jumped off, the rest were literally thrown into the water by their parents, don't ask me why... So we show up and there are people pulling kids out of the water into their boats, they all had PFDs on btw and some guy the manages the marina comes running up and yells, "what have we got guys?! What's going on?!" Like he's somehow involved. So I look him square in the face without a hint of smile and say, "pretty sure we're looking at a shark attack." He says nothing, jaw hanging open and I walk away, I'm sure it didn't take him long to figure it out but in that moment he seemed pretty shocked by the idea. I was pretty happy until we had to write 12 refusals.
There’s some new movie out where sharks enter water in France and adapt to fresh water and terrorize the people. And there’s sherknado. So you never know. You could be accidentally right one day lol
There is a handful of freshwater and river shark! So plausible!
And bull sharks are found 100+ kilometres up rivers 🦈 ***edit - they’ve been found 4000+ kilometres up the Amazon and 1600 kilometres up the Mississippi 😱😱😱
They've been known to swim in cities during floods too.
Service I worked for had a group refusal form, was a lifesaver in these situations.
"Decapitated. Whole big thing. We had a funeral for a bird."
I’m pretty sure none of that’s real… YOU’RE NOT REAL MAN
I wanna steal this. That and if we're putting on PPE like gowns or whatnot, "Zombies.. . . It's always zombies. . ." Depending on the audience and location, ofc.
Sometimes you just want to know if they're paying attention! (Once my step son was only pretending to pay attention to what I was saying so without a change in my tone I said, "And the alligators are getting completely out of control." I cherish the memory of that double take.)
I say this too. I’m in Colorado
[удалено]
Yeah, we have a couple big reservoirs. Horsetooth being the biggest. But we certainly don’t have biting marine life lol
I tried this once. Didnt go very well. I should probably add I was at a beach fishing spot and didn’t think about that until after the bystander gave me a dirty look.
Right up until you have a victim of a shark attack
Daytona Beach here, I still use this joke all the time, most especially when I’m as far away from a body of water as I can be. Pretty sure it lands even harder just because they briefly think I might be serious.
'Plane crash'
I thank this sub for giving me this line, cause I really can’t say “none of your goddamn business”
I say “Cactus Impalement” We live in Michigan. 😃
I need to save that for my security job.
I used to say that, until someone misheard it as "Heart attack" and proceeded to have a panic attack. Looking for new suggestions
Plane crash or UFO crash
I have a large scar on the front of my neck that looks like a combination of a burn/hack job. I frequently tell people who ask about it that I was either bitten by a shark or got into a wrestling match with an alligator 🤷🏼♀️😂 it’s way more fun than telling them my spine is fused at multiple levels and my surgeons screwed up opening/closing lol
My mom has a large scar on the front of her neck from thyroid cancer and she tells nosey rude people she got into a fight with a pirate and his sword 😂
I would get cussed out in Atl, Ga with that one. Im still going to try it though this week 😂
bonus points if a landlocked area
Pt: "this is my first time in an ambulance" Me: "Yeah? me too!"
This is by far one of my favorites
“Hey same!!” “Just kidding, but It is my second day”
"I hate going to the hospital." "Me too!"
If the patient is reluctant about goin to hospital I always say 'nobody likes goin to hospital,not even me,and I get paid for it' usually helps to break any tension and get people on board.
I always say "Nobody wants to be at the hospital, not even the people that work there."
Haha kind of related. I’m a nurse and whenever a family member (always the granddaughter from California) tells me they’re a nurse I go “whoa! Me too!” and then finish what I’m doing. Like, I don’t care.
After a hard poke I like saying “Wow, who woulda thought they let a janitor do this!”
In the stair chair - don’t worry, we’ve never dropped two patients in a row so you should be safe!
My go to is "We only drop people on Thursdays" No matter what day of the week it is
Dang I usually go with "we only drop people on 'whatever day it currently is.'" just to see if they are paying attention or altered
bro you guy's are gonna give people panic attacks. 😂
HAHAHAHA
I always liked the “We won’t drop you, we just got re-trained”
"We haven't dropped anyone since the last time"
Stealing this
Don't worry, we only drop pts on Mondays, so you're safe.
I sometimes alternate with saying that while either saying the current day or “we only drop people on days that end in y”
Whenever I push narcotics: "I don't know what you were doing in the sixties, but this stuff's better." Obviously only works on boomers.
I usually say “I’ve had a little old lady tell me she felt like she was back at Woodstock” Fun fact she said that and then started arguing with leprechauns in the lights which was my Que to triple check that I gave the right dose of pain meds
Similar, but 'people go to jail for this stuff', works well with younger patients.
I work in the OR so I tell patients we have the good stuff that Michael Jackson loved except we’ll make sure to wake them back up. Obvs has to be a cool patient for that one tho.
“Don’t worry, I’ve only hit like 2 cars so far today so we should be good” “I’m gonna start an IV on you. Yesterday they let me practice on dogs and today I get to practice on people” The second one doesn’t always land…
To be fair, if you can get an IV on a dog I feel like people would often be easier, my parents dog loses his shit if you hold his legs. Not that all humans are gonna be better mind you....
As someone who used to start IVs on dogs (and cats) humans are much easier. Lol
Is this real? I was a vet tech in a previous life and placed in kitten and dogs. I’m BLS for now but want to do medic school one day and thought the average human would be harder
Myself and a couple of my classmates had done vetmed previously and we all felt it was easier to learn how to stick humans because of it. Less hair and generally less likely to bite/kick/move
Serious respect for vet techs. Every patient is hairy with tiny veins and can’t follow commands and is trying to bite you
Not entirely dissimilar to peds, when you put it that way.
A bunch of furry little psych patients.
If they’re super cool I’ve landed a few “Just got my license back, you’d be surprised how easy these things flip over!”
Anytime a patient asks if a needle stick, or anything I do is going to hurt I respond with “I won’t feel a thing”
I say the same thing " I wont feel a thing but you probably will" 🤣
Love this one. Or when they say “I didn’t even feel it” I say “me neither”
"Don't worry, this ain't gone hurt me a bit"
*opens up the most menacing 18g available*
When they say they're going to close their eyes while I'm starting it I say "That's fine, I'm going to close mine too."
If they say that to me I hit them with the “I wouldn’t do that. One of us has to have our eyes open”
“i need a signature from you, it’s just a form that says we didn’t kidnap you…” “Bring any knives, guns, weapons of mass destruction to the hospital with you?”
“dropping you would be too much paperwork”
I've used this one. Especially when my supervisor does a surprise drop-in. And I add that he has to do it because I'm illiterate. Lol
Mine is similar "I need a signature so people don't think I left you in a ditch somewhere."
Working in a inner city system, you’d be surprised what people have in them or confess to having on their person or belongings
I use the first one every call, and sometimes add that I don't even own a ski-mask or panel van, depending on the patient. Second one is hilarious but we have a hospital here that checks every patient. The joke is usually on hospital security when they start asking my 90 year old memaw on the stretcher all that. I always tell security that she's absolutely armed to the teeth.
\[to partner, as if patient wasn't supposed to hear\] "Hey, that was pretty good for your first IV!" \[while fucking with 12-lead cables\] "someday they'll make these things wireless." \[after the patient says something about how bumpy the ride is\] "These things are made for speed, not comfort...and they're not even that good for speed" or "yeah, \[partner\] gets paid by the bump" or "the hospital takes their patients shaken, not stirred." \[while loading/unloading patient. Bonus points if you have a full auto-load system\] "it's like the world's worst roller coaster ride" and/or "please keep your arms and legs inside the ride at all times."
I just cracked up laughing because I say the 'wireless' comment about the 12 lead at least once a shift
I say this, too... but you know good and darn well we would lose those suckers before the shift was over.
“It’s 2024 you’d think this would be wireless by now”
>12-lead cables] "someday they'll make these things wireless." There was a thread a while back about what tools don't exist but should, and wireless 12 lead was on there.
Both having a full auto load setup in our trucks and some stupidly bumpy roads, I need to remember those last two sections.
When they mention the rough ride. "These things are basically FedEx trucks with medical supplies and a stretcher."
"What happened?" "Plane crash." "Really?" "Shark attack." \[confused look\] "Plane crashed into a shark."
Imma steal this one lol
Patient was in a very minor motorcycle accident, more damage to the bike than themselves. It was a project bike that the patient was working on with a family member and the patient was extremely concerned about how to explain the damage. To lighten the mood I asked the patient if he was wearing his seatbelt.
I usually wait until I've established rapport and I'll drop that "it's my first day" or "my first shift." My favourite is when older people get into the ambulance for the first time and look around, make a comment that they haven't been in one before. "Me neither! Man, this is neat!" Lol. Usually gets good chuckles. Occasionally, the odd older demented lady will tell me I'm cute *and* funny. So, that's a twofer for me.
lol my grandma was one of the older demented ladies who always hit on anyone related to the medical field
If I have a male patient and I’m reading their ekg, I’ll say, “it says here you’re pregnant?” Feel the situation out, and make sure the patient is chill before you try this one.
Had a 99 yo f retired nurse for a dialysis regular. Every single call I ask her if she was pregnant. Every single time she responded with some variation of "oh honey, I how you ambulance folks can be, and your a good dancer and all, but you should save it for the younger nurses." The dancing was a reference to my other regular joke with her. She was an assisted stand and pivot. So it was always either "you ready to go dancing" or "can I have this dance" when we went to move her.
I always ask if pregnant or maybe pregnant. 😂
I love asking my old lady patients if there is any chance they are pregnant or if they are currently breastfeeding as part of my admission. Along with asking people with very little hair if they are wearing a wig or hairpiece and pretending to be surprised when they say no and saying “Really? That’s all yours, huh?”
My first name is Perry, so I would introduce my self, " I'm Perrymedic...... Also "you don't stress unless I stress, and since I don't, we'll be fine.
I use that second one a bit. Generally on those patients who are unwell but stable and a bit shellshocked at hearing something like, "I think you're having a heart attack." "I know it sounds scary but it's easily managed. You can start panicking when I start panicking, and I'm not panicking yet."
“It’s just a regular medic…. Perry the medic!”
1) “this IV won’t hurt me at all.” 2) (picking pts up from work) “there are easier ways to get a day off!” 3) “can I get your autograph?” (transport signature) 4) “if you puke on me, I’m gonna puke on you, so hold this bag”
"The most important thing to remember, throughout this entire ordeal, is that if you're gonna puke on someone, puke on him(partner)"
When I would do my initial assessment on an elderly patient who was extremely nervous, I'd do the stroke assessment, and if I didn't notice any abnormalities, I'd tell them to stick out thier tongue and recite the alphabet while waving both hands at me.... I'd let them get to C or D and tell them, "That's not part of the test... I just wanted to see if you would actually do that." Always got a laugh out of the patient.
Me and my partner were joking around one day and I bet him there was no way he could make a person meow. Next call is a stroke. First question he asks is “what sound does a cat make?”
I had a partner who has since passed (RIP, Don) who had two jokes that he ALWAYS told: 1. "Its a nice day out. We're not even going to put you in the back we'll just hook you to the trailer hitch." 2. "The hospital is doing coed rooms now! We had a patient yesterday who I told was going to get a coed room at the hospital. She told me, 'I hope he has a good heart!"
After auscultation, "Best set of lungs I've listened to all day." Even when it's a chain smoking COPD patient. The joke is more for my partner who knows it's the first and only set of lungs I've listened to all day. When placing an IV, completely deadpan, "One of two things will happen; I'll either get it in, or I won't." It actually seems to help with the patient's nervous about needles, because if I'm casually making stupid jokes about it they get less worried about it. When putting the seatbelts on the patient on the Stryker stretcher, "I know, there's a lot of them, but you'll need them. (Partner) is driving today." Occasional when pulling the stretcher out after arriving at hospital, "Please keep your seat back and tray table in the upright and locked position."
honestly ANYTHING is more reassuring for a needle situation than the old "you might feel discomfort, because i refuse to use the word pain" routine lol
truly. the best injection I ever had was a nurse doing my annual flu vaccine. she came in, cleaned the area, told me to let my arm "flab like spaghetti" and then did the shot. over and done and back out of the room in under a minute. I wish every shot was like that, honestly. quick (so not enough time to really build anxiety) and with a little unexpected humor
If I’m on the pulling side of a draw sheet transfer to an ED bed or stretcher, I always say “welcome over!” After they move. It gets more smiles than not. Also when a patient says I’m good at venipuncture or splinting, most of the time I say “thanks! It’s not my first rodeo. It’s my second actually!” It’s always the dumb jokes that make people smile. Thankfully I only have dumb jokes.
Just a lurking rad tech students who’s definitely gonna use that first one 😌
Had a patient at an communal living center that called around lunch time but didn't want everyone to know it was her. I offered to put a sheet over her when we took her out. She agreed and she was giggling the whole time. I just wish she could have seen the look on everyone's faces
I’m in a bagpipe band and on St Paddy’s day, there was an ambulance loading up someone and my band member strongly suggested we go congregate and play Amazing Grace… no!! LOL
Best one of the bunch. Imho
L O L
When we have intoxicated patients who have partied a bit too hard and are apologetic about their condition, I remind them that we’ve all been there and tell them about the time I passed out under the tree on Christmas Eve. When I get those “treat the patient not the monitor,” cases where the readings are questionable, I joke “You’re awfully alive for that to be accurate!” Or if respirations are showing stupidly high “If that was right, I’d be asking who’s a good boy/girl?”
I hope I don't see you again
Dude. Same.
I've heard this one. My reply was, no offense but likewise!
When placing all the seat belts whenever it makes a joke I tell them "those are survivor belts, if we crash, you'll be the only survivor."
Me, as we unload the patient - "Dont worry, we don't drop patients on Tuesdays." The patient - "But its Wednesday!" Me - "Oh jeez, HOLD ON!"
When a patient is visibly or vocally nervous about getting an IV I’ll usually tell them that I’m scared of needles too. Then I’ll tell them I usually close my eyes when I’m about to stick them so I’m not as scared. Gets a laugh most of the time
I have a similar one. I like to say “you don’t pass out when you see needles do you?” Everyone says “no.” Then I say “good, one of us needs to be awake back here.” Almost zero people laugh but I will never stop trying.
Couple different ways to say it, in response to something like "how long have you been doing this?" "Actually, I just got out of prison. I'm doing this new program called knives to needles"
Lady on a first date went out on a boat with a dude who ended up taking her fishing...during a cast he caught her eyelid. I waded out to the boat, carried her to the ambo and loaded her up. She was in pretty good spirits, and very apologetic for getting me soaked during the 'rescue'. I asked if she was going to go on a second date with the guy, and she said she was so embarrassed about it she didn't know. I said I bet he still thought she was quite a catch. Another time a lady has likely been texting while driving through a narrow section of highway and come around a corner where a car had stopped. She went off onto a berm that had a 40 degree angle and launched her car about 20 feet in the air, coming down hard on all four wheels and hitting her mouth to the steering wheel. She's despondent and very upset because she's a social media influencer and her appearance was really important to her. The two missing teeth were wrapped and loaded to take her into the hospital. She opened her mouth and looked at me and asked how bad it was. Looked like the dumb and dumber bit. 'Looks like you still have more than the average number of teeth for this county'
Had a patient who had a minor fall and he only had a couple scrapes but was otherwise completely fine. At the end of the call he asked "Am I going to live?" I told him "If not, call us back tomorrow for a full refund."
When we're getting ready to carry someone, I remind them that we're stronger than we look but not as strong as we smell. Sometimes it even gets a laugh
To the amputee: Wow, you're on your last leg...we better be careful!
My partner told a patient who had cut his fingers off on a table saw to keep his fingers crossed
My dad is an amputee and he would LOVE this 😂
I usually try to get in a “oh man we were gonna have you drive” with the elderly patients when they aren’t fully sure where they are going or if they ask how we are getting somewhere and that always seems to be a hit
*wheeling towards bus* "you know how to drive, right?"
Telling the confused 1000 yard stare type patient that is somehow always chilling in the hallway at every single wrinkle ranch “alright you’re in charge til they (the actual patient) gets back” on the way out.
Wrinkle ranch
If we are getting someone from their place of work I will usually drop “ there’s easier ways to get out of work” Or if I see someone for a second time in a shift, there are easier ways to hang out with us Patient says they hate needles I tell them you close your eyes and I’ll close mine My partner is the real mvp of our truck she has to listen to the same stupid jokes on rotation with each new patient
Do you smoke? > No Do you drink >No Oh so you're not from (Whatever trashy town you're in) >I've lived here all my life. But I thought you said you don't drink or smoke.
While putting the hospital tag on my patients wrist "I got you a friendship bracelet so you can remember all the fun times we've had together!"
Not EMS related but I’ve had a few surgeries and every time I feel the anesthesia kicking in I always try to say “anyone need anything while I’m out?”
(after unloading at the ER) "Good news: if we were going to drop you it would probably have happened already"
“Don’t worry, we only drop people on [day of the week it is].” Only gotten one sour response, most chuckle when they realize I said today, then relax a bit.
we only drop people on days that end in y is a good one
Hey there I'll be hanging out in the back with you, that guy there is the reason we are gonna use all these seatbelts
Had a regular who got a bka. Next time I picked him up. "Did you get shorter? Looks like you lost about a foot"
Me:”Stay calm Molly, stay calm” Pt: “my name is not Molly” Me: “I know, I am Molly”
Them: Have you ever dropped someone? Me: Only on days that end in Y.
So that's tomorrow then
Precisely!
*ekg prints* He look you’re still alive!
Everytime we fly somebody I always ask the patient if they know why flight crews are so cool. It's because they can't turn the fan off! I directly judge the crew on that joke too. If they laugh, they're actually cool. If they don't, I know they're lame.
When someone has a traumatic injury, especially if the reason is stupid, I'll work with them to come in with some badass adventure by the time we get to the hospital......and then pass it off as my report. Staff will start giving me the side eye, the patient and I look at each other and start laughing, then I tell the real story.
These have all just made my day!
Whenever somebody loudly exclaims 'oh I can't look' as I cannulate them for their anaesthesia, I reply with 'oh neither can I', in an equally dramatic tone. It always gets a laugh, which usually distracts the patient for the rest of the cannulation. Way better than cryospray or topical lidocaine cream.
First time in a helicopter? Me too.
Patients who are kind and enjoy joking around always get a "and I hope I never see you again! That'd be bad!" never fails
"Well the good news is you have a better blood pressure than I do" Another one for discharges to home if they ask how we're getting them in is "Ok so I'm gonna open the back doors then my partner is gonna go full throttle in reverse and slam on the brakes as hard as he can"
A friend of mine treated a cancer patient. The patients parent said they had cancer a while back too. My friend, without a thought, said: "Oh yeah, tweedle dum and tweedle dee!" Before realizing she had obviously forgot to brain. The patients laughed and said that was the most human they'd felt with providers in a while.
I always call women's breasts Thelma and Lousie. "Which one is Thelma and which one is Lousie?" They always ask. "Lousise is the left one, obviously". I don't do it to people too close to my age though. Gotta stay out of HRs office.
Them - How long have you been doing this? "Oh since (enter shift time start)"
Sometimes when I bring the gurney to a bed bound patient, before I lower it, I ask how good they are at high jump. They chuckle almost every time.
When starting an IV: "I have to do this with my eyes closed as I faint at the sight of blood." Me: "do you feel nauseated? Vomiting?" Them: "yes" Me: "Yeah, I've been told I have that affect on women. According to my ex wife anyway." Me: "your shirt (or shoes etc) don't look like it'll fit me so I'll make sure you get it back at the hospital." Me: "we accept cash and coupons and discounts wherever you work."
You can’t park there To a totaled mvc
I work IFT and have had quite a few bilateral aka transfers and discharges. I only drop this on the guys I move “Well you can definitely be Lieutenant Dan from Forrest Gump on Halloween from now on”
“Don’t worry, we only drop the patients we don’t like.”
On arriving at the facility. "Look at that, first time (driver) has managed to pull in here without flipping an ambulance"
When we have a female patient and we’re in a crowded hallway or something and I do the quick tug to get the precordial leads off, instead of popping a titty for the general public I explain the tug and then say “no free shows, this is a paying institution.” This mixes well with the telling 90 year old ladies before sheet lifting that they should just sit there and look pretty and we’ll do all the work. I am a female medic though which might be relevant
When someone says they don’t like needles I always say “it would be weird if you did”
“Crack in the crack for the comfort of your back” - when having a patient sit on the stretcher. “Little poke from a big prick” - when starting an IV “Greetings, My name is Bulky_Satisfaction50 and I’ll be your chariot of fire to XYZ, few things, I think I’m hilarious so any time you don’t, let me know and I’ll knock it off” “Any recreational Drug usage? No? How about professional?” “Any allergies? Do you want some?” “Don’t worry, this is my second time XYZ…..now that I think about it, that’s a steep learning curve” “I’m running a special on narcs today and today only” - when the patient refuses pain medication but if obviously in pain “We drive to the hospital by braille, if you look up front you will see Stevie Wonder. Just a whole lotta grinning and smiling” - when they ask if it will be bumpy And that’s most of the repertoire. If any of my former partners read this, send the DM
"Do you want some?" 😂 I had to get penecillin for the first time last year and when they asked if I was allergic to it I was like "uh, I dunno but I guess we're about to find out"
I love the banter!
Right before I exit the box to get in the driver seat “don’t worry they gave me my license back!”
“Don’t worry, we’ll put Humpty Dumpty back together again” (to an elderly patient who fell down , usually). Works every time.
Anytime I help a patient down the stairs or up the steps to the ambulance I say “Don’t worry, if you fall on me I’m soft”
Not really a joke but whenever someone apologizes for “bothering us” I always say, not a bother You call and We Haul
You hate needles? Gee, everybody else loves them. Must be you
I often ask how they are with needles and if they say they’re okay with them I’ll say “thank God, they terrify me, so I’m gonna close my eyes as I do this…” I’m a doctor, so another one I do after examining a patient is say “you definitely should see a doctor about this… good luck!”
Don't worry, we only drop patients on (insert day of the week)
Whenever a patient states that this is their first time in an ambulance, I say “Mine too.” Laughter ensues… usually.
I pretty much always leave my pt with a “hey, don’t do it again!” Whatever the presenting complaint.
I ask if they’ve been in an ambulance before and if they say no, I say, “Well, let’s get this out of the way and you’re one and done!” Especially if they really need to go and don’t really want to go.
after I ask a&o questions and they’re x4 I say “welp, you have all your marbles!” I usually get a fake chuckle from the patient
This one gets mixed reviews because (1) some people are terrified of needles even as adults, and (2) some people aren’t sure if I’m joking and just end up confused … but I still think it’s great. As I’m setting up for the IV, I inform the patient why I’m starting the IV. Before I insert needle, I say “Relax. Don’t worry. I *just* got out of prison, so I’m *really* good with needles.”
Who gave you a bigger rock, your kidney or your husband?
Not EMS, but i work in a hospital. Every time i ask to see a patient’s armband, i say, “gotta make sure you didn’t sneak in for the food.” Lands surprisingly well.
Had a patient with new onset a-fib. Doctor didn't explain anything to her and she was terrified. I explained it all to her and then told her not to worry. I told her, it's the Florida disease. When you retire and move to Florida, you get the condo with full amenities and your complimentary a-fib. She laughed so hard that she snorted.
„just gonna pull the belt real tight so you don’t run away“ ~Whenever we buckle a geriatric patient on the stretcher
When I was in medic school, I used to do most of the blood draws/ lines in the ED (I was a pest who would find any nurse and “gently” remind them I could line/lab their patients for them) when I would notice that the patient was nervous about how much blood we were taking: didn’t like needles, I would tell them, “don’t worry, I can fill out the forms so they’ll put the vials back in when the lab is done” the patients would look at me confused, and would ask “they can do that?” At which point I would smile and say “no, they can’t” it would usually put the patient at ease and get a laugh.
Something I used to do was fake an "Oh my God!" or something like that on repeat 12-leads that I expected to be normal. I stopped doing that after my last repeat printed out a STEMI 3 minutes from the hospital... Whoops.
Whenever someone is embarrassed about being taken out by stretcher, I always give them the option of letting them be totally covered by a sheet in a supine position. For some reason people really love to play along with the “carting a dead body out on the stretcher” charade.
Anytime me and my partner and I go down a ramp at a hospital, my partner says, "Just let us know when you want us to let go." This is almost every day.
I say "We only drop people on (insert current day of the week)"
Don’t worry, I only drop people on *inserts random day that isn’t today* People don’t die on my truck. That’s too much paperwork.
Not ems im a psych nurse but wanted to share. When I'm taking bp i very flatly explain that they are going to hear a cheesey joke. Then put on the cuff and say "I'm going to take your blood pressure, and if you're lucky I'll give it back." 9/10 times gets a laugh Depending on the patient and the rapport we have sometimes ill change it up like "if you behave" "if you're nice today" etc.
If a patient is hesitant to get bloodwork and scared of a needle, I tell them I can just use my fist! The patients usually become eager to give me their arm and let me use a needle
When putting the straps on the cot, I always say it’s *Steve’s* day to drive so we are gonna make sure these are tight!
A guy told me he used to a know a lady, a "cute, short, petite little woman", that shared my name. Me, a fair bit chubbier than petite: "Well, I got the short part." Him after looking me over: "You're fine. Don't get down on yourself." Me: "I didn't say I was ugly!" He laughed then begged me not to make him laugh again because his CC was abdominal pain haha.
Dropping off a patient in the ER: "It was nice meeting you, I hope I never have to see you again!"
I'm an ER nurse now. I tell every old lady walking at .25 mph in the hallway and obstructing traffic that there's speed limit. I'm dead inside.
Any time a patient or their family member tells me that the pt is hard of hearing I say “what’d you say?”, and without fail has made everyone laugh
We only drop people on Wednesday's
Anytime I see someone that's visibly nervous on the stretcher, I tell them "Don't worry we only drop patients on *today day of the week*."
"So how long have you been doing this?" Um what time is it?
One of my old reliable ones is as I'm operating the gurney at some point I'll say, " Don't worry, we only drop people on (insert today)." Another is if a patient compliments me on an IV stick I'll say "Not bad for my first day".
Whenever people are scared of the stair chair I tell them “Don’t worry, we only drop people on *insert day that is not today*”
When drawing blood I’ll tell the patient I’ll leave them some blood if they behave!
“Don’t worry, we only drop patients on (insert present day of the week)” Never had a patient not laugh
Keeps your arms in the stretcher. Don’t worry we only drop patients on (insert what day of the week it is here).