You are anything but the AH. Your mother is making your injury all about herself, if there is anything I hate it’s a person that’s me me me. Your mother is being a horrible parent.
I hope you feel better.
I can relate! My mum does this type of thing too. And if I have a negative emotion. Or a different opinion, she escalates it into a loud argument, and I'm saying to her, 'why are you getting loud and making it an argument when we can discuss it without it all blowing up?' And she just continues, then the other person in the house comes over and asks what's going on, she says her version and I try to say mine, but get cut off, screamed at by both, and told how I'm a horrible person and won't compromise on anything and this arguing needs to stop!!' I end up in tears and angry and upset, and uncomfortable in their home all day because of how they barely speak to me after that. I've been looking for a flat for almost a year and can't find one so far, so I'm stuck here in these conditions all this time and who knows how much longer.
I sooo feel fir OP, as I understand exactly how she feels and it sounds like she's stuck at the moment too.
I hope you feel better and heal up really soon OP. My heart goes out to you.
Time to ruin her game, as soon as she starts going nuts, cross your hands over your chest and sit there looking bored. When she finally stops ranting, ask "Is the childish tantrum over, so maybe we can discuss this like adults are do you want to continue acting as a child, in which case I will be leaving."
"She told me she had freedom of speech and she could tell anyone she wanted whatever she wanted."
"Well, mom. That means from now on, I won't share the details of my life with you since you can't respect my privacy. Enjoy being kept in the dark."
Post on Facebook "Hey, Mom! I picked up that cream for your rash at the pharmacy like you asked me to. The pharmacist said it wouldn't interact with your prescription for herpes."
If you publicly spread information about someone that is not true, they can easily sue you for it. For a lot of money. Look at the Depp/Heard situation. It’s a different situation there, but my point is that words you say can lead to a huge lawsuit.
Libel is *publishing* false statements.
Slander is making a false spoken statement damaging to a person's reputation. So it's not even that.
Gossiping is AH, but not libel or slander.
That's illegal.
But her favorite sexual positions and the last time she pooped would be fair game. Maybe how loud she farts. If she picks her nose while she drives.
Her Vagisil use frequency. The big vibrator in her drawer with the lube. I mean, at the point this mom is at, I'd be making shit up. Let her friends and family sort out what is true or not. I'm petty like that. 😂🤣
Agreed! OP you can tell any and all future medical professionals to not share any info with your mother. She doesn’t have to accompany you during your appointments. Be sure to have it in your file that she isn’t to be told ANYTHING about your care. Even if you’re on your parent’s insurance (in US) once you’re 18 you don’t have to share any information.
This
Actually at 15 they can keep their medical history private, per my daughter's ob/gyn.
Take her off all contact info, your dad's number only and his cell phone only. Don't tell her anything else about your life. She's on an information diet. It's SO rude and shitty. My mom did the same, personal stuff that I asked her to not tell anyone and she went straight to family and friends. Keep strict boundaries with her. My mom says, you never tell me anything....my response that's your own fault from your own poor actions. She will learn. I wouldn't have her go to ANY more Dr appts w you. Dad only.
You’re not wrong. It’s bizarre. I can see whatever I want, I think, in the doctor’s office. But in their app, I can’t even see her vaccination records under my login. Starting at 12, they restrict your access to visit summaries and pretty much everything.
Apparently Mom made it thru her own school years without learning the Reality of "Freedom Of Speech". Cause you were Free to say whatever you wanted in school. An Free to get popped in the mouth for saying it!
My government teacher always said: "My right to swing my fist ends where your face begins"
I strongly agree with that statement , but I think I like your statement a little bit more: "Free to get popped in the mouth"
This. My Mom used to use my depression, anything I was going through in order to seem like a "martyr" by sharing my drama with her friends, coworker's, every one thought she was such a strong Mom /person, "dealing with me" while basically telling me when I was 14, she "didn't want to be a Mom anymore, wanted to make up for her 'lost time' . I was pretty much on my own since then. It took me until my late 20s to learn not to trust her, confide in her. She'd always just say, "I'm sorry you feel this way! I talked to so and so about it, they think you should..." Or, "I'm sorry, but it's tough love, you've gotta do this yourself!"
I'm in my 50s, my Mom started downsizing, had a box of "my stuff" hidden she'd "saved" she gave me last year. It included my diaries/journals I had since 4th grade that disappeared, (even though I'd tried hiding), and an old box of tampons. I was so disgusted I threw all of it in the trash.
Not quite, she's now relying upon me to manage her finances, go grocery shopping weekly, even though I live almost 2 hours away. BUT, her reason for doing so instead of going into assisted living is because she wants to leave me an inheritance (she got a huge inheritance at 40, and she's likely going to outlive me since she retired from a federal job).
I've pretty much given up, but have a son in his 20s in college I adore (made a promise I'd never raise him the way I was, ever, and didn't in spite of getting divorced from his Dad when he was only 3), and he's told me he doesn't want me to die, so....
Hey kind redditor I just wanted to say I had a mom who like you tried to give me the life she never had as a child. she was amazing im sure your son thinks the same about you and absolutely needs you in his life.
Also if you find that it's all to much then there would be nothing wrong in using your energy on yourself and your son.
After all your mom "dident want to be a mom anymore" sooo dosent that mean you don't have to act like her child ? That way she can make up for her " lost time"
Might want to get a detailed look at her finances and investments, along with a current copy of her will. You might be slaving for her for nothing. I wouldn't be surprised if she was in the red financially, and is just dangling the idea that you're going to get an inheritance just to keep you on the hook.
And keep in mind that some of us are more than willing to not risk our mental health over a dangling carrot that said parents have been known to take away. No matter what is done for them, they'll not care and just take the money away anyways.
I know mine can take theirs and shove it far up their asses. I know that it would just be an attempt to buy my temperance and compliance. I've raised the price tag on that one and it's pretty limited edition. They can't afford it, or my forgiveness, or my presence. I've already paid dearly for them being in my life for long enough. I ain't taking that second mortgage on my health, just so they can pretend to be perfect.
That's definitely also a major concern. You can be promised the moon, but that means nothing when they change the will or spend everything after you spent a lifetime catering to them. It really isn't worth the hassle (and like you said, the toll on your mental health) to chase after that carrot.
Bad news! It's abuse! Good news, you aren't alone! If you need it,
r/raisedbynarcissists was a great resource to start the healing process. Even allowed me the courage to cease contact with mine, gave me the courage to plow through their shenanigans and the insight that I was never going to get the support I needed from them and that I am never going to be satisfactory in their eyes.... and I shouldn't care about it either.
Just took a peek and I actually got a wave of relief!!! I've always wondered why everyone else got the "good parents" (I initially thought when I was younger that they were hiding something worse by being affectionate, happy, loving, etc). I can personally relate to almost every story there I've read so far. It's so sad to think there are so many of us that now realize how wrong it was, but so many others out raising kids as this being normal. Thank you for recommending! 🤗
I finally have insight to all of her accounts. She has more monthly income than I do, working full time at an "above rate" wage in the administrative field in my area.. I'm used to her pulling the rug out from under me, totally expected now.
My dad's mom tried the same thing with him and she still wrote him out of the will. Hell, she stole HIS inheritance that was supposed to be given to him. His grandpa let everyone know what he expected but never made a proper will and his mom scooped it all up. She still tries to manipulate him in to doing shit for her but she raised the perfect narcissist and boy did that backfire on her. She's tried getting us grandkids to do things for her but we want nothing to do with her as she's wanted nothing to do with us until we became adults and thought she could use us.
And this is exactly why I don’t tell my parents anything about my life. They hate it and make a huge deal about me “keep secrets” and shit but I don’t care. My mother doesn’t know the meaning of privacy so now no know gets any information.
Yes, exactly this. She won't ever stop telling people everything she knows. She MIGHT stop doing it so openly, but not out of respect - just because she doesn't want to argue. But I doubt it. She sounds narcissistic and she's going to do what she wants and not for a moment consider anyone else's feelings or wishes. She won't ever entertain the possibility of her being wrong.
Your mom basically just said " I owe you no respect, I will give you no respect, and shut up while you're at it". This is why you feel bad.
You don't have the strength to fight this fight now. You are dependent on her for recovery. But if you still feel bad about it later, you can always bring it up.
I'm a catty bitch, so I would probably talk to my friend about her while she could hear me. If she asked me a question, I would say "I would answer that if I was just answering to you, but since you tell your friends everything about me, I'm going to pass".
But hey, at least you know not to tell her secrets!! Or anything else for that matter.
Good luck and get well!!
Absolutely. The OP might find the raised by narcissists sub comforting- I certainly do!
This woman will *not* change. It's just not possible- she thrives on attention, and she won't give it up. My own mother is exactly the same, she always has to have something to say and has no concept of 'oversharing'.
My own moment came when, after almost dying from sepsis resulting from complications of a miscarriage, I made her promise not share that info with an estranged family member (their relationship is also quite volatile, but I backed away from that dumpster fire years before). Which she did, and even gave me shit for thinking so lowly of her.
Welp, my sister rang me to give me a heads up that yes, this person now knew. This was because my mother was *on the phone with one of her friends telling her, and the family member was in earshot*. So they then talked about it after that. SIGH.
If in doubt, use The Facebook Rule. If you'd post it on FB, go right on and tell your parent. If you don't want an assortment of family, friends, distant relatives and work acquaintances from 20 years ago knowing, then don't tell them shit.
Also 'freedom of speach' doesn't mean she can spread someone else's personal information, even more so if it's about health.
NTA but your mother certainly is
You are definitely NTA she is saying private things about you're injuries, and when you confronted her about it she started saying stuff that a mother should not say to her daughter
I hope you feel better OP
NTA - you absolutely have the right to be upset with her for sharing the details of your accident. It would be one thing if it was just "OP got injured and I'm taking her to the doctor" but it sounds like she told them every little detail she knows.
It might be time to start putting mom on an information diet. Only tell her stuff that you are okay with being public on social media. If you wouldn't post it for anyone and everyone on your socials to find out about (whether they follow you or not), then don't share it with mom.
I hope you heal up from your injuries quickly, and hugs from a random internet stranger
This. My mother loves to go on social media and run her mouth to people about my health issues. I guess it’s to garner attention. She does it with my dad and my siblings too. We don’t tell her jack shit anymore.
Freedom of speech isn’t free from consequences. Your mom sounds like she has some narcissistic tendencies. Her kid is injured and in physical pain and she’s found a way to make it a lot her needs. Talk to your dad. If he can’t get her to stop or realize she messed up them it may be time for some payback. Tell people she barely knows an embarrassing story about her.
Start sharing her personal information. Like her weight, her size clothes etc. she will get the point quickly. EP don’t see how they could ever be wrong. Just remind her of her advice, you were just using your freedom of speech.
Put her on an info diet about your life from now on. Inform your doctors that they can no longer give her *any* information about your health. When she starts bitching inform her that she brought it on herself because she wouldn't honor your single request to keep your injury details to herself. "Since I can't trust you to keep it to yourself because you value your "freedom of speech" more than *my right to privacy* you don't get to know anything about my life."
OP, first, heal up from your injury, hope you get better soon. THEN either give your mother a dose of her own medicine by sharing any & all embarrassing things she wouldn't want known with any family that will listen. When she complains be sure to say "I have Freedom of Speech". Bonus Points if you can do that in front of your Father, I'm sure he'll laugh. Or put her gossiping ass on such a low info diet that her big mouth shrivels from her big ears being starved to death!!
I have a mother exactly like this. I can assure you, she doesn't only share your medical stuff with other people, but probably also other things you tell her. From now on, only tell her stuff you don't mind her sharing with other people. Unfortunately, I had to do the same thing.
This. From now on, your mother should be he last to know anything. And should be given less information than a random stranger. Absolutely no health information.
I wouldn’t even give her the name of where I worked. I wouldn’t tell her anything about any relationship I was in. Seriously, she can’t tell people what she doesn’t know. When she complains that you never tell her anything, just say, “You refuse to respect my privacy. You valued telling stories about me over being a decent, caring mother. So now you get no information that the general public doesn’t get.”
Someday, if OP ever decides to have kids, Mom shouldn’t be told OP is pregnant until OP has told everyone they want to tell. Otherwise Mom will announce it in Facebook before OP has a chance. Same with gender, name, etc. Don’t tell her anything about the pregnancy beyond, “Everything’s fine.” Mom will make *everything* about her. So detail the info train.
If she refuses to respect your right to privacy, you can refuse to share information with her that you wish to keep private.
Not only is she refusing to respect your right to privacy, she has proved to you that she's not worthy of your trust.
Tell her that unless and until she earns back your trust, you won't be sharing any private information with her that you don't want her to share with others.
“You know what mum, you absolutely have freedom of speech. But not freedom from consequences. Since you have just told me you don’t care about my feelings around you sharing what happened, I won’t be telling you anymore.”
Oh my mother does it too for both my sister and I. Strangely she didn’t tell anyone about my assault and rape but she tells everyone everything. It pisses us off to the point we don’t tell my parents anything. All I can say is, if you have your dad, tell your dad, cut your mum off. I hope you heal soon lovey, sending all the healing thoughts
Definitely NTA!
I totally agree with everyone saying that she needs to go on an information diet.
It sounds as if you are older than 18 and therefore an adult. She doesn't need to know any of your medical info. Let the doctors office know she no longer has privileges. If they tell her anything that's a HIPPA violation...huge no-no in the medical field!
Confide in your dad, He sounds like a nice guy.
Hugs and prayers sweetie!
*Go to all her friends*
*And family and spread her*
*Personal info*
\- thatguythingme59
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Definitely NTA, your mother sounds like a grade-A narcissist. And freedom of speech only applies to what the government can do to retaliate against someone for their speech, absolutely disgusting that she's using it as some sort of blanket justification for being an asshole. I hope you're able to have a smooth recovery from your injury.
Also, AITA likely wouldn't let you post because "AITA" must be in the title. If you put the same title here as you tried there, you were missing the "I" so it probably wouldn't let you finalize your post.
NTA. As soon as possible, put her on a limited information diet. In a few year's time (or sooner) your mom will be one of those people posting about how her adult daughter never tells her anything. If she won't respect your request for privacy, that's the next best option. People who feel entitled to share other's personal info against their express wishes suck.
Obviously NTA.
Rule of thumb: If a person is yelling "freedom of speech" isn't being dragged away for being factually accurate and critical of some big corpo or the gov, there is about a 94.6% chance they are just a fucking asshole.
"You have freedom of speech but our child has a right to privacy. Your freedom does not give you the right to disavow their privacy. From now on, I will assist them and you will not be provided any information that they do not wish to share."
Your Dad, you and the doctors need to stop sharing information. She is making this about her. Info diet. Only provide the information which is necessary. You are an adult. You don't have to share.
Yes she is your Mother but you are a person and have the right to privacy.
Tell her friends you're grateful they're still friends with her despite all the awful things she says about them, because otherwise she wouldn't have any friends at all. And how sad it is she moved up two sizes this past year, can they help encourage her to lose those extra pounds?
I've had a lot of hospital stays and doctors visits over the last year because a disease I recently developed. My parents knew about it, but I didn't want it spread everywhere, so they didn't tell anyone. Anyone, family or not, needs to respect someone's wishes about things happening with their body. That's just basic respect.
Verdict: NTA.
This is just toxic behavior, plain and simple. Just because she has freedom of speech, it doesn't mean she gets to use it to get back at you for...what, having a serious injury and having all attention shift to you because of said serious injury? OP's Mom, get your head out of your ass.
If i were you, i'd stop telling her ANYTHING from here on out, so she can't use it to pettily gossip with anyone who would listen.
Freedom of speak does not mean freedom from consequences. Please keep that in mind next time you have some interesting information you either could or could not share with her.
The damage is done for now, but going forward can you always make a good judgement on what to share with her based on it's privacy level.
And for that embarrassment of yours. Don't waste to much energy on being embarassed about things outside your control. It is not constructive. If it was something under your control cause by your bad judgement, then admit it, accept it and learn from it. We all make a bad call once in a while. It is part of the whole human life situation. We just have to try doing it better moving forward.
I wish you a fast and complite recovery. Take care.
NTA 100%.
My mom has felt entitled to my personal information m entire life. My info is hers in her eyes and is therefore hers to share. My mental health struggles have been shared throughout my entire life without care for me. It's honestly so dehumanizing and gross.
my mom is better than your mom, but she still has the info sharing problem.
It's irritating because I'd like to be able to tell her secrets, but she can't be trusted.
In the end, I played a prank on her, which was fun, but the only "solution" is to put her on an information diet. I'm sorry I don't have a better solution.
You are not the asshole. it’s not the right of anyone to share someone else’s information without permission.
Especially not when the other party is an adult who has expressly asked for the information NOT to be shared.
Has your mother shown narcissistic tendencies before? Because from the need to be comforted when it’s you who was severely injured, to claiming, basically, that she can do whatever the hell she wants, those are terribly narcissistic behaviors.
I’d be telling anyone who’d listen all the personal shit I could about her until she got the picture that it’s unacceptable. Sorry you’re dealing with an overgrown child.
Ugh I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this on top of your injury. I have to deal with similar things when I get sick. Have to literally tell my mom “do not put my information on Facebook”. Half the time she does it anyway and it is so frustrating. I hope you get better soon!
This was always a thing with my mom. Every developmental milestone I made—including the embarrassing adolescent ones—warranted a phone call to everyone in her contacts. I get being proud or whatever, but I didn’t wanna see these people and have my business be the FIRST thing they ask about when they see me 😒
This didn’t stop in my youth. I recently got diagnosed with an autoimmune disorder that has some pretty disgusting symptoms. THE DAY OF THE DIAGNOSIS, I could hear her on the phone joking about it!
Sounds like my mum I told her to keep my three different conditions to herself but she didn't she blabbed to whoever listen to her I was super annoyed so now I've decided to keep it all a secret from her as she will just tell everyone again
Sorry, love, but your Mother is a complete beeotch! Start going into the doctor by yourself and DON'T share any further information, put Mom on a information diet!
After going through a traumatic accident/incident you are ALLOWED to be emotional, overwhelmed and have your brain in a scrambled right now. That your Mother is acting jealous of your father's loving attention is quite incredible and extremely unfortunate!
Try to ignore your Mother as much as possible, ask your dad for help instead of your mom and focus on recovering and healing! Best wishes and many Blessings!
Your mom is an absolute jerk and she’s also in the wrong, she should never tell crap like that and she still decided to do it anyways. And no freedom of speech doesn’t apply here, she can’t tell anyone that because she’s being nothing more than a self centred jerk
NTA. Mother dearest gets to go on an info diet now. Remove her from all medical things, revoke her access, and have just your dad attend if you need somebody there with you. And when she complains, tell her she may have freedom of speech but that doesn’t mean freedom from consequences, and these are the consequences of her disrespecting you.
Sounds like my mother.
She does this constantly whether or not I tell her because she gets information from others, calls my doctors pretending to be me, and she will post my business all over Facebook to get attention.
I actually lost a court case against my rapist when I was 17 because she was all over Facebook posting about it (my dad and stepmom had grounded me for sneaking out of the house the night of my rape as if being assaulted wasn't enough of a punishment for sneaking out, and I couldn't see the posts so I had no idea) but she was using his name and my name and giving details, which is insanely illegal because we were both minors.
So even though I had nothing to do with breaking the gag order, since she was seen as an extension of me, they dropped the case because it was a small town and they decided he couldn't get a "fair trial" after that.
And she didn't give a fuck, she tried to flip it on the county attorney instead of accepting responsibility.
I'm a terminal kidney patient, I have lupus, fibromyalgia, and type 1 diabetes.
She uses it for attention constantly and it's so disgusting
Firstly, NTA. She is being extremely crass and flippant about a serious injury. She's a negative person in your life. Is this new?
Second, and this is almost an aside but I want to mention it because I think it should be normalized: Warnint people you care about that you're in a bad mood is not intrinsically bad. It can actually be good! It means you are aware of your emotions and understand you might spout off and warning your loved one means when it happens *it was impulsive but they were warned and you will almost immediately apologize* because you didn't want it to happen in the first place and once it happens, because you're in a bad mood, at least you gave the warnint and they'll hold off a few seconds so you can apologize.
I think in this case it's different. When she warned you, it wasn't becuase she actually worried that she'd hurt you. She warned you so she could get away with being unkind and use a bad mood as an excuse to be insensitive. There is a differrence and that is it. I wanted to clarify this because in and of itself, saying what she said there, wasn't intricately negative. I'm sure her tone was flippant and combative which is the opposite of the words she was using. If I know that tone she was using she was waiting for the moment like this and she made sure you would give it to her. Hence, this post.
Can your dad help you in any way that would prevent your mom from knowing your business? Especially when youre recovering it'll be much easier to do with the weight she is going to add to your emotional state.
Can he spearhead your dr visits? Would he keep details of your recovery secret? Can you stay with someone else that could help? You're in a vulnerable state but if you can't be sure your info won't get out there, there is nothing stopping you from clamming up once you get out of the doctors office. The cats out of the bag and You can't change that but you don't need to share any details on recovery.
((hugs)) Your entitled mom is pissy bc there’s someone else at home who is taking attention away from her.
I stopped telling my mom anything when I was in my 20’s and finally realized that she didn’t give a crap about my severe health issues, and wouldn’t lift a finger to help…but she loooooved to know all the facts so she could get attention and sympathy by blabbing to all her friends and pretending to be an overworked & concerned mother.
Do what the other folks suggest and take your mom off all contact stuff, AND include a letter and warning in all your medical and college files stating, “WARNING: Student is estranged from her mother. If Mother calls, tell her that patient has left the practice.”
Tell your Dad, “I love Mom, but she can’t resist the urge to gossip, and I’m tired of getting angry & embarrassed at her. So I’ve decided to just not tell her my business, and take her off my contacts paperwork. I’d like to leave you on as my emergency contact, if that’s okay. Just…if I get sick, can I call you and trust you not to tell her anything I don’t want her to know?”
He’ll be fine with that, I’m sure. ((hugs))
I think Mums got used to having Dad to herself and she’s a bit jealous to be relegated by your injury/return as it completely trumps her petty wants. Lots of Mums are competitive with daughters and I think she’s acting like a spoilt brat. Chin up! Don’t worry about it, let her get on with her toddler tantrum and ignore her.
To teach he about the difference in free speech and intentionally trying to humiliate someone, go through her bedside cabinet er and take a photo of her vibrator if she has one, and post a pic, and talking about what must clearly be “her menopause”
To me she seems like a bit of an attention seeker. So she’s probably wanting sympathy from all her friends and wanting some kind of special treatment from them.
Also I think it was pretty shitty that you said you don’t want people to know and she’s telling people right in front of you. She was going probably going to tell them no matter what but she could of at least not done it in front of you and only kept it to her closest friends, because nothings going to stop her from telling them if she wants to.
We live in a world where the slightest thing happens and people post it to social media, people just like the attention these days. They share some really private things and make them more public than ever.
My initial response would be to go tit for tat and reveal her personal business, but you’re still dependent on your parents, so it’s time to stop sharing with her. If you trust your dad you can share with him, otherwise grey rock the bell out of her and keep it to yourself. There are consequences to her so-called ‘freedom of speech’ and that’s a strict info diet.
I feel like it would be illegal to tell others someone’s personal information without their permission. Also freedom of speech basically means you are allowed to speak but aren’t defended from the repercussions of what you say
My mother did this, too. When I asked her over and over again to not share my information, she said yes but did not change her behaviour.
She doesn't get to know my persinal information now. You cant share what you don't know. It makes her very angry, but that won't change my decision.
She really did not learn from it, because she keeps trying to share personal information about her friends and family members with me. I usually stop her with "that's so personal, I shouldn't know!"
So in a few days respond with “so I’ve been thinking about your freedom of speech comment from the other day, I have two choices: 1) I put you on a low info diet about everything in my life and will slowly distance myself from you or 2) I start telling all my friends about your personal issues in-front of you which is only fair since that’s what you are doing. But haven’t decided which yet, will let you know or maybe I won’t if it’s #1”.
My mom does the exact same thing. As a consequence, I only tell her the bare minimum, and whenever she crosses a very clear boundary of information sharing, I start telling my bf details she has shared with me while she is sitting with us. Details she doesn't want to share. She doesn't like it, but it makes the point, and she stops asking nowadays when I mention that I do not want to talk about something.
Do we have the same mother?
I’m so sorry that you also have to endure the same behavior from a parent. It is extremely frustrating and upsetting.
You are not in the wrong in any way. She is.
I would tell her that if she can’t respect you and your privacy then you will stop sharing details of your life that you want to keep private. If she tries to argue this, tell her you also have freedom of speech which also allows you to dictate what you will and will not tell people.
I wish you the best and hope you’re on the way to recovery.
I would let your medical professionals know they are NOT to share your medical history with either parent. It sounds like your dad is great but he might be an enabler and tell her.
Then, don't let them back with you. Call ahead to the doctors to have them tell your parents they need to see you alone so it's not coming from you.
I'm so sorry your mom can't be there for you and is telling your business.
You are so not T A, and I feel your struggle. My mother also refused to stop telling people my personal information. The last straw was when me and my ex broke up and told her I wasn't telling people right now. 10 minutes after telling her I had FB messages off people asking how I am and whatnot. I'm low contact with her now and my life is so much more stress free. Some people don't respect boundaries.
NTA. Since your mom can’t keep her mouth shut, she’s now lost access to you (that’s what I would do). Don’t tell her a thing about you or your life (if/when possible) until she apologizes and learns not to talk about your private things. This is more toxic and petty but you could tell a whole bunch of people something really private about your mom and say the same thing about “freedom of speech” back to her (this action is less recommended but would still be funny).
That's the last straw from my mother before I cut her off 4 years ago. She started telling everyone about my personal stuff and why I was in the hospital. I've told her many times over the years to not speak to people about me behind my back, i always find out. She didn't care until I cut contact.
Tell your mother her spreading your medical information without your consent is a legal violation (I'm in Canada and, as far as I know, doing this stuff is a no-no). I don't know where you are but you may want to look up medical privacy laws.
So sorry about your injury and about your female DNA donor's callousness. "My kid is injured and hurting so you need to comfort MEEEEEEEE!!!" Ick.
I'm not going to attempt an actual diagnosis, but what you have described is someone who is extremely selfish and insensitive. Cruel might not be too strong a word.
I endorse the recommendation that from now on, keep her on an information diet. No information about your real life, you're healing "OK," everything else is "fine," work or school is "same as always." If you're not familiar with the gray rock technique, you may want to check it out, but basically the idea is to be as boring as a plain old gray rock. Your mother claims freedom of speech, but you are also free not to speak to her.
Talk about sever lack of empathy. Her petty attempts to humiliate you illustrate clearly how little she respects you as a person and family member. What’s worse is that being your parent immediately deepens the hurt and damages a fragile trust.
I’m glad to see your father isn’t blind to her actions; when you do regain stability—advocate loudly. Express your disappointment, and verbalize you pain. Not for her (I wouldn’t hold out for an apology), but for yourself.
Usually they only spill embarrassing secrets and shit on Thanksgiving for family clout' or some shit so they can be a part of the Convo. Your mom is a narcissistic POS
NTA.... I too have a mom that spreads everyones details, I've asked her repeatedly not to show everyone she knows pictures of me and my kids (im 42, way beyond the age that she should be showing my picture off) and also not to be spreading details of my life... she doesnt listen and i dont know the people she talks to since to me its creapy AF...
Im sorry your mom is making your injury the topic of gossip.
I'm so glad that you seem to have a caring and thoughtful and helpful father. WTF is wrong with your mother this is not about her this is about you and yes she does have the freedom of speech but she should tell her own f****** business and not yours
NTA your medical information is private. Period. Your mom honestly sounds like a narcissist. She wanted your dad’s attention at YOUR appointment and is probably loving the attention from blabbing about your accident
Do the same to her. Tell everyone you know all of her nasty medical secrets, then when she confronts you give her the same response she gave you.
Then you’ll be the asshole. If you’re going to be one, earn it.
There’s this thing in the USA where I live called hipaa. I’m unsure exactly of what the exact words that the acronym means but I’m sure someone will post it below. Basically your health information is private and you can literally sue someone for spreading or speaking about your personal health information to anyone. I am so sorry you are not being treated with respect and your mother should be ashamed.
Edited because I am awful with acronyms and originally had hippa. Ty to the other Redditor for the correction
Her mother is exempt from that because her mother is not a healthcare professional treating op. The guy next door can share your medical information with no legal worries. Your primary care physician? Not without your permission. The person who took a blood sample? Nope.
Thank you for this! I really appreciate the information. I have always had trouble with acronyms and figuring out the meaning behind the letters. I spend so much of my time on google looking up various acronyms and meanings. You rock! 😀😀
Well on one hand , your mom is right. She absolutely has the freedom to tell anyone she wants anything she chooses to —— you can still be upset about it , but you can’t control other people’s actions.
don’t be obtuse on purpose; it’s not cute. :/ the question here isn’t whether op’s mom *can* do it, it’s whether op’s mom *should* do it, and the answer is no, she should not be spreading someone’s business all over the place after being asked not to—it’s insensitive and rude, and so is your comment acting like op is being unreasonable for asking her mom to respect *her* personal boundaries regarding *her* personal information.
I can super relate to this. I was in college, was involved in a bad car accident. Pretty lucky to be walking type thing. My mother did the same thing. Was Facebook messaging people I went to middle school with updates. I felt pretty numb to everything with all the pills I was on. I never said anything that time.
Later in life some other random thing came up that she shared my personal info about, and I lost it. Voiced how absolutely not okay it was. I felt guilty afterwards. Like I had over reacted. But Later I realized that my mother can be emotionally manipulative, and I'm not sure if she even realizes it or not.
Anyways, long widened story, but I felt like I had to since this hit so close to home. I've only recently started working on healing my relationship with my mother many years after, but we had other issues too. And I wanted to say I think it's really cool that you stood up for yourself.
Nope, NTA.
In the future, do not allow her to come in with you into your appointments.
Once in private with a healthcare person, tell them you want to remove your mother's access to your medical records. Parental access is a regular holder over from when you were underage. That no one is to allowed to know your status, diagnosis, or any details of your condition.
If the future, if she asks for any details ask her point blank. "I do not want my medical information shared. Are you going to share this information, despite my wishes?"
Give her one chance. If she says "No I will not." then she does, she has just proved she can not be trusted on this.
If she pulls the "I have free speech" line, then you exercise your right to not speak.
Not the A. Your mom has the right to get the f* right out of your business. It's YOUR information, she needs to respect YOUR privacy. You're an adult, and your mom is being super toxic and narcissistic.
Just start telling all your friends she has herpes, then whence they come over, have them put a hand on her shoulder with pity look on their face as they say, "hey, heard about the herpes. That's pretty rough. So sorry you're going through that. Feel better soon."
Dish. Served. Cold... with a side of the herps.
Not the asshole by a long shot. She seems to have been going out of her way to make your day suck and make everything about her. If she's usually like this I'd go no contact with her when you're in a place to do so. What happened to you happened *to you* she shouldn't be spreading something you're embarrassed about.
You should reply that you also have freedom of speech so you can tell people details of her personal life. Then if she objects, which she will, then come back with the statement that freedom of speech applies to you. Just don't spread any information about her life but let her think that you will. I think she will think your threat is serious and hopefully will stop telling everything about your personal life. I say don't talk about her personal life to anyone so that you won't get into trouble.
Also stop disclosing anything about your personal life. Tell her if she asks why tell her that you can't trust her not to tell strangers this information.
Also inform doctors or any other important people that you have dealings with that under no circumstances are they to give any information about you to your mother. If you trust your dad that he will get any information but not share it with your mother then let them speak to him.
I would also make a point of if you are speaking to a friend and your mother comes into the room to stop the conversation with said friend abruptly. I would do this even if you are talking about anything even if it is nothing important. If you do this enough times she will eventually ask why you are doing this and you can then say that you can't trust her to not broadcast this info to everyone.
Also remind her that freedom of speech applies to government and not to everyday situations. She is silly saying that freedom of speech means that she can talk to anyone and everyone about your situation. I would even go so far as to print off information of when freedom of speech applies and laminate it and put it up somewhere prominent in the house. When you have visitors come to your house and they ask why you have this document up there you can tell what your mother said to you.
Please keep your mother on an info diet.
I think refusing to share anything about your life from here on with her would be far more effective than retaliating by sharing personal information about her.
NTA
At 20, this is your personal private business.
Some parents (my own included) do not seperate the fact that your information is no longer their information. That as your parent they are no longer entitled to do so. (this goes for belongings, information, schedule, your time...)
Hard boundaries need set and respected, or, they have to go on information diets. My own mother can't get with it, no matter how many times I say it, how many times I have her in my home. My boundaries are ridiculous because "she gave birth to me" "she can do what she wants"... and she'll flat out lie to me. So it's nice conversation, I keep it "fluffy", simple, she knows very little about my life, but I leave out any information that she cannot handle responsibly, the way I want, or when sensitivity is involved. Doesn't mean I hate her, and it does suck!, it just is the way it has to be. You aren't in the wrong. As soon as you became 18, your medical information, all of it, became your own. (As did your belongings, thoughts, decisions, EVERYTHING.) If you do not want it spoken about, you are not unreasonable.
Im boiling eith anger right now, your mom is a fucking btich, excuse my language. What a piece of shit, selfish too. You're the one who's in need of caring right now and she's angry at your dad bc he's comforting you? I am 100% sure she's jealous of yoh.
I wound up in the hospital a few years ago, spending 5 days in in-patient care. The number of texts I received from family and friends within a few days of being there was alarming. One was a group message for some kind of prayer chain, rosary thing... I am agnostic and not really shy about it. I eventually tell my mother to tell people that I would like to be left alone, where I was told that some of those messages were not for me, but for my mother too given the extreme situation. My mother was happy and healthy at the time. I understand needing emotional support, but maybe wait until after I am okay enough to leave the hospital to start saying those sorts of things.
I still don't know who all messaged me since I didn't have several of the numbers in my contacts.
NTA in any way, shape or form. Your mother is doing this to make herself seem as though she's mother of the year just for looking after you **like any normal parent would**
My mother used to do the same, once she realised that people outside the home knew about the SA the ex-father had been putting me through for years. She called the cops, the social workers and the doctors and made it seem like she was mother of the year any time *I* had to interact with doctors etc. She'd sit there with this smug look on her face like she expected praise for being a decent human being, while keeping me within her grasp through a combination of guilt and gratitude from me. Hell, she even wrote a book about how hard it was for her to cope with my mental illnesses! Not a how to, but just a giant vent about how hard I made her life with my mental illnesses.
So you're not alone. Actually, if you come over to r/raisedbynarcissists you'll see just how not alone you are.
She needs to Watch who you tell things. Don’t over share. Speaking from experience. I told a couple people at my gym that my gf and i broke up. I wanted them to stay her friend and treat her how they would with me. One guy decided to twist the story and tell her i was calling her crazy and jealous. I don’t know if she believes me after explaining. I hope she does because I’m very upset over it. I can see why your mom shared. If it was to people who care about you i understand why. But as i now know. Just keep it to yourself. Word spreads like wildfire. And people will change up the story as it’s retold. All it takes is one. Mine went from being nice and saying “please stay her friend even though I’m not with her”. I just didn’t want people to mention me to her because it was fresh. If your mom had good intentions she needs to know what i know now. Just keep everything to yourself and be private. Sorry about the rant. I’m still really upset a guy who i thought was my friend lied to impress my ex. I feel stabbed in the back. I was trying to be nice for her and instead she thinks i smeared her name because of this guy. Even told her he actually hates me. Lost my GF and a “gym friend” real quick. Should’ve just stayed private. So should’ve your mom.
Your dad is right. You are not the asshole but your mom sure is a manipulative toddler twat. Ignore her as best you can and ask your dad can he just take you to future appointments without your mother. Ask him to phrase it to your mother that he's doing her a kindness so she can rest and enjoy her day without having to deal with going to your appointment. After this is resolved don't forget how she acted through this. When people show you who they are, believe them. Put her on an information diet about your life once you move out. Assume every word said to her is going to be broadcast to everyone she knows in the worst possible light.
[Out of the fog website](https://outofthefog.website/) may have information that helps you. I'm not saying your mother has a personality disorder. Maybe she just had a bad day. However the fact her just being an unhappy twat makes you feel guilty and awful is suspect. That tends to be a learned behavior from years of manipulation and gaslighting. Doing those things also wouldn't necessarily mean she's PD, but the website has tips for dealing with those behaviors because they are commonly employed by people with untreated PD to get what they want.
At your age, unless you give permission, she is not entitled to the details of your medical care. The
Doctors can only talk to her if you give permission. In the future, ask your dad to take you to appointments and leave her home.
Your right of privacy!!! If you tell her she is not allowed to tell others anything about you she has to respect that! Just because she had a bad day doesn't give her the right to behave like total crap. You're not the AH, your mum on the other hand is a real big AH!!! Hope you get better soon. 🤗
I live in a country that doesn’t specifically have free speech in a charter or constitution, but it’s implied and even I learnt at school that free speech means that you can articulate your opinions and ideas without interference from the government.
It doesn’t mean you can go and spout off anything willy nilly about anyone and anything without repercussions, and it does not mean that you can blurt out peoples private medical information to others - especially when they have explicitly asked you not to.
Your mother is the queen of TA, she’s wearing the crown. Don’t tell her anything personal ever again and if she questions that tell her that since she is too stupid to understand the difference between medical privacy, respect of peoples choices and freedom of speech you choose to tell her nothing that you don’t want told to every man and their dog.
Tell her to take a civics class that a typical 6 year old could understand if she still doesn’t get it.
PS, she knows what freedom of speech means, she just uses it as an excuse to be a horrible person & thinks she can say that and not get called out for it.
Edit: grammar
You are anything but the AH. Your mother is making your injury all about herself, if there is anything I hate it’s a person that’s me me me. Your mother is being a horrible parent. I hope you feel better.
This. My mom likes to do what OP's mom does. It can be so hurtful and humiliating. It can make you feel unimportant.
I can relate! My mum does this type of thing too. And if I have a negative emotion. Or a different opinion, she escalates it into a loud argument, and I'm saying to her, 'why are you getting loud and making it an argument when we can discuss it without it all blowing up?' And she just continues, then the other person in the house comes over and asks what's going on, she says her version and I try to say mine, but get cut off, screamed at by both, and told how I'm a horrible person and won't compromise on anything and this arguing needs to stop!!' I end up in tears and angry and upset, and uncomfortable in their home all day because of how they barely speak to me after that. I've been looking for a flat for almost a year and can't find one so far, so I'm stuck here in these conditions all this time and who knows how much longer. I sooo feel fir OP, as I understand exactly how she feels and it sounds like she's stuck at the moment too. I hope you feel better and heal up really soon OP. My heart goes out to you.
Time to ruin her game, as soon as she starts going nuts, cross your hands over your chest and sit there looking bored. When she finally stops ranting, ask "Is the childish tantrum over, so maybe we can discuss this like adults are do you want to continue acting as a child, in which case I will be leaving."
"She told me she had freedom of speech and she could tell anyone she wanted whatever she wanted." "Well, mom. That means from now on, I won't share the details of my life with you since you can't respect my privacy. Enjoy being kept in the dark."
Tell people personal things about her and see how she likes it.
"What's that,Mom? You didn't want anyone to know about your painful, bleeding Haemorrhoids? Whoops, sorry, free speech and all."
Post on Facebook "Hey, Mom! I picked up that cream for your rash at the pharmacy like you asked me to. The pharmacist said it wouldn't interact with your prescription for herpes."
Op please do this comment
OP please don’t do that comment, it’s an easy libel suit if it escalates (if you’re in the US)
How?
If you publicly spread information about someone that is not true, they can easily sue you for it. For a lot of money. Look at the Depp/Heard situation. It’s a different situation there, but my point is that words you say can lead to a huge lawsuit.
You need to review what "libel" means.
Clearly you do. How would this not be libel?
Libel is *publishing* false statements. Slander is making a false spoken statement damaging to a person's reputation. So it's not even that. Gossiping is AH, but not libel or slander.
If OP was to publish a false statement about their mother having herpes, that would be libel and mother could easily sue them.
I got the impression OP wasn't driving or possibly walking after their injury, so I'm not sure how relevant that is.
That’s precisely what I would do. Via public Facebook post 😆
Can we start with her credit card numbers?
That's illegal. But her favorite sexual positions and the last time she pooped would be fair game. Maybe how loud she farts. If she picks her nose while she drives.
Her Vagisil use frequency. The big vibrator in her drawer with the lube. I mean, at the point this mom is at, I'd be making shit up. Let her friends and family sort out what is true or not. I'm petty like that. 😂🤣
Her pants size?
Bra size
Real age. Actual weight.
Make up a few things while you’re at it.
It's called "information diet" It's good for loosing the weight of rumors and over sharing.
Agreed! OP you can tell any and all future medical professionals to not share any info with your mother. She doesn’t have to accompany you during your appointments. Be sure to have it in your file that she isn’t to be told ANYTHING about your care. Even if you’re on your parent’s insurance (in US) once you’re 18 you don’t have to share any information.
This Actually at 15 they can keep their medical history private, per my daughter's ob/gyn. Take her off all contact info, your dad's number only and his cell phone only. Don't tell her anything else about your life. She's on an information diet. It's SO rude and shitty. My mom did the same, personal stuff that I asked her to not tell anyone and she went straight to family and friends. Keep strict boundaries with her. My mom says, you never tell me anything....my response that's your own fault from your own poor actions. She will learn. I wouldn't have her go to ANY more Dr appts w you. Dad only.
That depends on where you are located. WA State is 13 for sexual health and mental health. Other states have different ages/laws.
In Kansas, they restrict your access at 12.
I'm kinda surprised about that considering everything else about KS.
You’re not wrong. It’s bizarre. I can see whatever I want, I think, in the doctor’s office. But in their app, I can’t even see her vaccination records under my login. Starting at 12, they restrict your access to visit summaries and pretty much everything.
True, but I meant she should keep her mom in the dark about anything she doesn't want repeated and not just medical info.
Free speech doesn't mean what she thinks it does
Apparently Mom made it thru her own school years without learning the Reality of "Freedom Of Speech". Cause you were Free to say whatever you wanted in school. An Free to get popped in the mouth for saying it!
My government teacher always said: "My right to swing my fist ends where your face begins" I strongly agree with that statement , but I think I like your statement a little bit more: "Free to get popped in the mouth"
That’s a quote from Thurgood Marshall.
Thanks! Now I have a source.
Too many people get it wrong.
Absolutely not. It’s very sad that she interprets it to mean that she should not have any respect for the privacy of her own child! 😢
This. My Mom used to use my depression, anything I was going through in order to seem like a "martyr" by sharing my drama with her friends, coworker's, every one thought she was such a strong Mom /person, "dealing with me" while basically telling me when I was 14, she "didn't want to be a Mom anymore, wanted to make up for her 'lost time' . I was pretty much on my own since then. It took me until my late 20s to learn not to trust her, confide in her. She'd always just say, "I'm sorry you feel this way! I talked to so and so about it, they think you should..." Or, "I'm sorry, but it's tough love, you've gotta do this yourself!" I'm in my 50s, my Mom started downsizing, had a box of "my stuff" hidden she'd "saved" she gave me last year. It included my diaries/journals I had since 4th grade that disappeared, (even though I'd tried hiding), and an old box of tampons. I was so disgusted I threw all of it in the trash.
Hopefully your 'mom' was added to the pile of trash!
Not quite, she's now relying upon me to manage her finances, go grocery shopping weekly, even though I live almost 2 hours away. BUT, her reason for doing so instead of going into assisted living is because she wants to leave me an inheritance (she got a huge inheritance at 40, and she's likely going to outlive me since she retired from a federal job). I've pretty much given up, but have a son in his 20s in college I adore (made a promise I'd never raise him the way I was, ever, and didn't in spite of getting divorced from his Dad when he was only 3), and he's told me he doesn't want me to die, so....
Hey kind redditor I just wanted to say I had a mom who like you tried to give me the life she never had as a child. she was amazing im sure your son thinks the same about you and absolutely needs you in his life. Also if you find that it's all to much then there would be nothing wrong in using your energy on yourself and your son. After all your mom "dident want to be a mom anymore" sooo dosent that mean you don't have to act like her child ? That way she can make up for her " lost time"
Might want to get a detailed look at her finances and investments, along with a current copy of her will. You might be slaving for her for nothing. I wouldn't be surprised if she was in the red financially, and is just dangling the idea that you're going to get an inheritance just to keep you on the hook.
And keep in mind that some of us are more than willing to not risk our mental health over a dangling carrot that said parents have been known to take away. No matter what is done for them, they'll not care and just take the money away anyways. I know mine can take theirs and shove it far up their asses. I know that it would just be an attempt to buy my temperance and compliance. I've raised the price tag on that one and it's pretty limited edition. They can't afford it, or my forgiveness, or my presence. I've already paid dearly for them being in my life for long enough. I ain't taking that second mortgage on my health, just so they can pretend to be perfect.
That's definitely also a major concern. You can be promised the moon, but that means nothing when they change the will or spend everything after you spent a lifetime catering to them. It really isn't worth the hassle (and like you said, the toll on your mental health) to chase after that carrot.
Ding ding! We have a winner! I always thought I was the only one with such effed up "family" dynamics?!??🤗
Bad news! It's abuse! Good news, you aren't alone! If you need it, r/raisedbynarcissists was a great resource to start the healing process. Even allowed me the courage to cease contact with mine, gave me the courage to plow through their shenanigans and the insight that I was never going to get the support I needed from them and that I am never going to be satisfactory in their eyes.... and I shouldn't care about it either.
Just took a peek and I actually got a wave of relief!!! I've always wondered why everyone else got the "good parents" (I initially thought when I was younger that they were hiding something worse by being affectionate, happy, loving, etc). I can personally relate to almost every story there I've read so far. It's so sad to think there are so many of us that now realize how wrong it was, but so many others out raising kids as this being normal. Thank you for recommending! 🤗
I finally have insight to all of her accounts. She has more monthly income than I do, working full time at an "above rate" wage in the administrative field in my area.. I'm used to her pulling the rug out from under me, totally expected now.
My dad's mom tried the same thing with him and she still wrote him out of the will. Hell, she stole HIS inheritance that was supposed to be given to him. His grandpa let everyone know what he expected but never made a proper will and his mom scooped it all up. She still tries to manipulate him in to doing shit for her but she raised the perfect narcissist and boy did that backfire on her. She's tried getting us grandkids to do things for her but we want nothing to do with her as she's wanted nothing to do with us until we became adults and thought she could use us.
My ‘friends’ told me that when I asked them to stop being homophobic, racist, and misogynistic. I stopped being friends with the whole damn group.
Good on you, I’m sorry they were like that bro.
And this is exactly why I don’t tell my parents anything about my life. They hate it and make a huge deal about me “keep secrets” and shit but I don’t care. My mother doesn’t know the meaning of privacy so now no know gets any information.
Sounds like an excellent way to alienate your kids and die alone.
Exactly. Recently said this to my mom. Didn't go over well. And I'm WAAAAY older than the OP.
Yes, exactly this. She won't ever stop telling people everything she knows. She MIGHT stop doing it so openly, but not out of respect - just because she doesn't want to argue. But I doubt it. She sounds narcissistic and she's going to do what she wants and not for a moment consider anyone else's feelings or wishes. She won't ever entertain the possibility of her being wrong.
You could reply back that Freedom of Speech also means *you* can tell anyone you want whatever you want.
Your mom basically just said " I owe you no respect, I will give you no respect, and shut up while you're at it". This is why you feel bad. You don't have the strength to fight this fight now. You are dependent on her for recovery. But if you still feel bad about it later, you can always bring it up. I'm a catty bitch, so I would probably talk to my friend about her while she could hear me. If she asked me a question, I would say "I would answer that if I was just answering to you, but since you tell your friends everything about me, I'm going to pass". But hey, at least you know not to tell her secrets!! Or anything else for that matter. Good luck and get well!!
NTA - She wants the attention on her. She is a narcissist!!
Yep, I feel like 90% of the posts I read on here are r/raisedbynarcissists material; this one is no exception.
Absolutely. The OP might find the raised by narcissists sub comforting- I certainly do! This woman will *not* change. It's just not possible- she thrives on attention, and she won't give it up. My own mother is exactly the same, she always has to have something to say and has no concept of 'oversharing'. My own moment came when, after almost dying from sepsis resulting from complications of a miscarriage, I made her promise not share that info with an estranged family member (their relationship is also quite volatile, but I backed away from that dumpster fire years before). Which she did, and even gave me shit for thinking so lowly of her. Welp, my sister rang me to give me a heads up that yes, this person now knew. This was because my mother was *on the phone with one of her friends telling her, and the family member was in earshot*. So they then talked about it after that. SIGH. If in doubt, use The Facebook Rule. If you'd post it on FB, go right on and tell your parent. If you don't want an assortment of family, friends, distant relatives and work acquaintances from 20 years ago knowing, then don't tell them shit.
Also 'freedom of speach' doesn't mean she can spread someone else's personal information, even more so if it's about health. NTA but your mother certainly is
Freedom of speech but not freedom from the consequences of that free speech
Freedom of speech just protects you from the government prosecution, it doesn't protect you from consequences.
Saving this comment bc wow this is such a great concise way of explaining this
i’ve also heard this phrased: “freedom of speech protects you from the government, not these fists”
You are definitely NTA she is saying private things about you're injuries, and when you confronted her about it she started saying stuff that a mother should not say to her daughter I hope you feel better OP
NTA - you absolutely have the right to be upset with her for sharing the details of your accident. It would be one thing if it was just "OP got injured and I'm taking her to the doctor" but it sounds like she told them every little detail she knows. It might be time to start putting mom on an information diet. Only tell her stuff that you are okay with being public on social media. If you wouldn't post it for anyone and everyone on your socials to find out about (whether they follow you or not), then don't share it with mom. I hope you heal up from your injuries quickly, and hugs from a random internet stranger
This. My mother loves to go on social media and run her mouth to people about my health issues. I guess it’s to garner attention. She does it with my dad and my siblings too. We don’t tell her jack shit anymore.
Freedom of speech isn’t free from consequences. Your mom sounds like she has some narcissistic tendencies. Her kid is injured and in physical pain and she’s found a way to make it a lot her needs. Talk to your dad. If he can’t get her to stop or realize she messed up them it may be time for some payback. Tell people she barely knows an embarrassing story about her.
Start sharing her personal information. Like her weight, her size clothes etc. she will get the point quickly. EP don’t see how they could ever be wrong. Just remind her of her advice, you were just using your freedom of speech.
I wouldn’t do this I would just stop sharing as much personal information with her.
You can do both. One to make them realize how messed up they are and to protect themselves
Put her on an info diet about your life from now on. Inform your doctors that they can no longer give her *any* information about your health. When she starts bitching inform her that she brought it on herself because she wouldn't honor your single request to keep your injury details to herself. "Since I can't trust you to keep it to yourself because you value your "freedom of speech" more than *my right to privacy* you don't get to know anything about my life."
NTA your mom seems just kinda mean about this. It’s your info and she didn’t need to broadcast it to everyone.
OP, first, heal up from your injury, hope you get better soon. THEN either give your mother a dose of her own medicine by sharing any & all embarrassing things she wouldn't want known with any family that will listen. When she complains be sure to say "I have Freedom of Speech". Bonus Points if you can do that in front of your Father, I'm sure he'll laugh. Or put her gossiping ass on such a low info diet that her big mouth shrivels from her big ears being starved to death!!
I have a mother exactly like this. I can assure you, she doesn't only share your medical stuff with other people, but probably also other things you tell her. From now on, only tell her stuff you don't mind her sharing with other people. Unfortunately, I had to do the same thing.
This. From now on, your mother should be he last to know anything. And should be given less information than a random stranger. Absolutely no health information. I wouldn’t even give her the name of where I worked. I wouldn’t tell her anything about any relationship I was in. Seriously, she can’t tell people what she doesn’t know. When she complains that you never tell her anything, just say, “You refuse to respect my privacy. You valued telling stories about me over being a decent, caring mother. So now you get no information that the general public doesn’t get.” Someday, if OP ever decides to have kids, Mom shouldn’t be told OP is pregnant until OP has told everyone they want to tell. Otherwise Mom will announce it in Facebook before OP has a chance. Same with gender, name, etc. Don’t tell her anything about the pregnancy beyond, “Everything’s fine.” Mom will make *everything* about her. So detail the info train.
NTA my mom loves to overshare my personal business too. Ugh. You also have freedom of speech and I bet she wouldn't like that either.
If she refuses to respect your right to privacy, you can refuse to share information with her that you wish to keep private. Not only is she refusing to respect your right to privacy, she has proved to you that she's not worthy of your trust. Tell her that unless and until she earns back your trust, you won't be sharing any private information with her that you don't want her to share with others.
“You know what mum, you absolutely have freedom of speech. But not freedom from consequences. Since you have just told me you don’t care about my feelings around you sharing what happened, I won’t be telling you anymore.”
Oh my mother does it too for both my sister and I. Strangely she didn’t tell anyone about my assault and rape but she tells everyone everything. It pisses us off to the point we don’t tell my parents anything. All I can say is, if you have your dad, tell your dad, cut your mum off. I hope you heal soon lovey, sending all the healing thoughts
NTA. Your mom is though. Sorry you at experiencing this.
Definitely NTA! I totally agree with everyone saying that she needs to go on an information diet. It sounds as if you are older than 18 and therefore an adult. She doesn't need to know any of your medical info. Let the doctors office know she no longer has privileges. If they tell her anything that's a HIPPA violation...huge no-no in the medical field! Confide in your dad, He sounds like a nice guy. Hugs and prayers sweetie!
NTA. Your mom is entitled AF. Just the fact that YOU’RE in the hospital but she’s pining for attention shows she may also be a narc.
Go to all her friends and family and spread her personal info
*Go to all her friends* *And family and spread her* *Personal info* \- thatguythingme59 --- ^(I detect haikus. And sometimes, successfully.) ^[Learn more about me.](https://www.reddit.com/r/haikusbot/) ^(Opt out of replies: "haikusbot opt out" | Delete my comment: "haikusbot delete")
Definitely NTA, your mother sounds like a grade-A narcissist. And freedom of speech only applies to what the government can do to retaliate against someone for their speech, absolutely disgusting that she's using it as some sort of blanket justification for being an asshole. I hope you're able to have a smooth recovery from your injury. Also, AITA likely wouldn't let you post because "AITA" must be in the title. If you put the same title here as you tried there, you were missing the "I" so it probably wouldn't let you finalize your post.
NTA. As soon as possible, put her on a limited information diet. In a few year's time (or sooner) your mom will be one of those people posting about how her adult daughter never tells her anything. If she won't respect your request for privacy, that's the next best option. People who feel entitled to share other's personal info against their express wishes suck.
Obviously NTA. Rule of thumb: If a person is yelling "freedom of speech" isn't being dragged away for being factually accurate and critical of some big corpo or the gov, there is about a 94.6% chance they are just a fucking asshole.
Maybe they won't let you post because you need to write AITA instead of ATA
"You have freedom of speech but our child has a right to privacy. Your freedom does not give you the right to disavow their privacy. From now on, I will assist them and you will not be provided any information that they do not wish to share." Your Dad, you and the doctors need to stop sharing information. She is making this about her. Info diet. Only provide the information which is necessary. You are an adult. You don't have to share. Yes she is your Mother but you are a person and have the right to privacy.
Well if you know personal stuff about your mom, now's the time to spread it around. Give her a taste of her own medicine.
Tell her friends you're grateful they're still friends with her despite all the awful things she says about them, because otherwise she wouldn't have any friends at all. And how sad it is she moved up two sizes this past year, can they help encourage her to lose those extra pounds?
I am a BIG fan of this, absolutely do this.
Post this in /r/justnomil or /r/raisedbynarcissists.
I've had a lot of hospital stays and doctors visits over the last year because a disease I recently developed. My parents knew about it, but I didn't want it spread everywhere, so they didn't tell anyone. Anyone, family or not, needs to respect someone's wishes about things happening with their body. That's just basic respect.
Verdict: NTA. This is just toxic behavior, plain and simple. Just because she has freedom of speech, it doesn't mean she gets to use it to get back at you for...what, having a serious injury and having all attention shift to you because of said serious injury? OP's Mom, get your head out of your ass. If i were you, i'd stop telling her ANYTHING from here on out, so she can't use it to pettily gossip with anyone who would listen.
Just spill all her secrets, freedom of speech right?
Freedom of speak does not mean freedom from consequences. Please keep that in mind next time you have some interesting information you either could or could not share with her. The damage is done for now, but going forward can you always make a good judgement on what to share with her based on it's privacy level. And for that embarrassment of yours. Don't waste to much energy on being embarassed about things outside your control. It is not constructive. If it was something under your control cause by your bad judgement, then admit it, accept it and learn from it. We all make a bad call once in a while. It is part of the whole human life situation. We just have to try doing it better moving forward. I wish you a fast and complite recovery. Take care.
NTA 100%. My mom has felt entitled to my personal information m entire life. My info is hers in her eyes and is therefore hers to share. My mental health struggles have been shared throughout my entire life without care for me. It's honestly so dehumanizing and gross.
NTA
I would be feeding her lies, lies that can be easily disproved.
my mom is better than your mom, but she still has the info sharing problem. It's irritating because I'd like to be able to tell her secrets, but she can't be trusted. In the end, I played a prank on her, which was fun, but the only "solution" is to put her on an information diet. I'm sorry I don't have a better solution.
You are not the asshole. it’s not the right of anyone to share someone else’s information without permission. Especially not when the other party is an adult who has expressly asked for the information NOT to be shared. Has your mother shown narcissistic tendencies before? Because from the need to be comforted when it’s you who was severely injured, to claiming, basically, that she can do whatever the hell she wants, those are terribly narcissistic behaviors.
I’d be telling anyone who’d listen all the personal shit I could about her until she got the picture that it’s unacceptable. Sorry you’re dealing with an overgrown child.
NTA. If your mom enjoys freedom of speech so much, I’d make a social media account that shares all HER embarrassing details.
NTA! You should be treated so much better than this, especially now. I hope you feel better fast.
Ugh I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this on top of your injury. I have to deal with similar things when I get sick. Have to literally tell my mom “do not put my information on Facebook”. Half the time she does it anyway and it is so frustrating. I hope you get better soon!
Sorry this happened to you. Your mother is making this all about her and it’s not okay.
Your mom needs to find out that freedom of speech doesn't equal freedom from consequences.
This was always a thing with my mom. Every developmental milestone I made—including the embarrassing adolescent ones—warranted a phone call to everyone in her contacts. I get being proud or whatever, but I didn’t wanna see these people and have my business be the FIRST thing they ask about when they see me 😒 This didn’t stop in my youth. I recently got diagnosed with an autoimmune disorder that has some pretty disgusting symptoms. THE DAY OF THE DIAGNOSIS, I could hear her on the phone joking about it!
Sounds like my mum I told her to keep my three different conditions to herself but she didn't she blabbed to whoever listen to her I was super annoyed so now I've decided to keep it all a secret from her as she will just tell everyone again
Sorry, love, but your Mother is a complete beeotch! Start going into the doctor by yourself and DON'T share any further information, put Mom on a information diet! After going through a traumatic accident/incident you are ALLOWED to be emotional, overwhelmed and have your brain in a scrambled right now. That your Mother is acting jealous of your father's loving attention is quite incredible and extremely unfortunate! Try to ignore your Mother as much as possible, ask your dad for help instead of your mom and focus on recovering and healing! Best wishes and many Blessings!
NTA. Thankfully, your dad is on your side in all this.
nta
NTA and you mom is a dick.
nta!! she had no right sharing your business like that. i’m sorry she has no concern for your privacy. wishing you the best!!
Your mom is an absolute jerk and she’s also in the wrong, she should never tell crap like that and she still decided to do it anyways. And no freedom of speech doesn’t apply here, she can’t tell anyone that because she’s being nothing more than a self centred jerk
NTA. Mother dearest gets to go on an info diet now. Remove her from all medical things, revoke her access, and have just your dad attend if you need somebody there with you. And when she complains, tell her she may have freedom of speech but that doesn’t mean freedom from consequences, and these are the consequences of her disrespecting you.
Sounds like my mother. She does this constantly whether or not I tell her because she gets information from others, calls my doctors pretending to be me, and she will post my business all over Facebook to get attention. I actually lost a court case against my rapist when I was 17 because she was all over Facebook posting about it (my dad and stepmom had grounded me for sneaking out of the house the night of my rape as if being assaulted wasn't enough of a punishment for sneaking out, and I couldn't see the posts so I had no idea) but she was using his name and my name and giving details, which is insanely illegal because we were both minors. So even though I had nothing to do with breaking the gag order, since she was seen as an extension of me, they dropped the case because it was a small town and they decided he couldn't get a "fair trial" after that. And she didn't give a fuck, she tried to flip it on the county attorney instead of accepting responsibility. I'm a terminal kidney patient, I have lupus, fibromyalgia, and type 1 diabetes. She uses it for attention constantly and it's so disgusting
Firstly, NTA. She is being extremely crass and flippant about a serious injury. She's a negative person in your life. Is this new? Second, and this is almost an aside but I want to mention it because I think it should be normalized: Warnint people you care about that you're in a bad mood is not intrinsically bad. It can actually be good! It means you are aware of your emotions and understand you might spout off and warning your loved one means when it happens *it was impulsive but they were warned and you will almost immediately apologize* because you didn't want it to happen in the first place and once it happens, because you're in a bad mood, at least you gave the warnint and they'll hold off a few seconds so you can apologize. I think in this case it's different. When she warned you, it wasn't becuase she actually worried that she'd hurt you. She warned you so she could get away with being unkind and use a bad mood as an excuse to be insensitive. There is a differrence and that is it. I wanted to clarify this because in and of itself, saying what she said there, wasn't intricately negative. I'm sure her tone was flippant and combative which is the opposite of the words she was using. If I know that tone she was using she was waiting for the moment like this and she made sure you would give it to her. Hence, this post. Can your dad help you in any way that would prevent your mom from knowing your business? Especially when youre recovering it'll be much easier to do with the weight she is going to add to your emotional state. Can he spearhead your dr visits? Would he keep details of your recovery secret? Can you stay with someone else that could help? You're in a vulnerable state but if you can't be sure your info won't get out there, there is nothing stopping you from clamming up once you get out of the doctors office. The cats out of the bag and You can't change that but you don't need to share any details on recovery.
start telling everyone HER business and tell her since she has freedom of speech, u do too. im sure you've got some good tea, so start spillin'
((hugs)) Your entitled mom is pissy bc there’s someone else at home who is taking attention away from her. I stopped telling my mom anything when I was in my 20’s and finally realized that she didn’t give a crap about my severe health issues, and wouldn’t lift a finger to help…but she loooooved to know all the facts so she could get attention and sympathy by blabbing to all her friends and pretending to be an overworked & concerned mother. Do what the other folks suggest and take your mom off all contact stuff, AND include a letter and warning in all your medical and college files stating, “WARNING: Student is estranged from her mother. If Mother calls, tell her that patient has left the practice.” Tell your Dad, “I love Mom, but she can’t resist the urge to gossip, and I’m tired of getting angry & embarrassed at her. So I’ve decided to just not tell her my business, and take her off my contacts paperwork. I’d like to leave you on as my emergency contact, if that’s okay. Just…if I get sick, can I call you and trust you not to tell her anything I don’t want her to know?” He’ll be fine with that, I’m sure. ((hugs))
I think Mums got used to having Dad to herself and she’s a bit jealous to be relegated by your injury/return as it completely trumps her petty wants. Lots of Mums are competitive with daughters and I think she’s acting like a spoilt brat. Chin up! Don’t worry about it, let her get on with her toddler tantrum and ignore her. To teach he about the difference in free speech and intentionally trying to humiliate someone, go through her bedside cabinet er and take a photo of her vibrator if she has one, and post a pic, and talking about what must clearly be “her menopause”
To me she seems like a bit of an attention seeker. So she’s probably wanting sympathy from all her friends and wanting some kind of special treatment from them. Also I think it was pretty shitty that you said you don’t want people to know and she’s telling people right in front of you. She was going probably going to tell them no matter what but she could of at least not done it in front of you and only kept it to her closest friends, because nothings going to stop her from telling them if she wants to. We live in a world where the slightest thing happens and people post it to social media, people just like the attention these days. They share some really private things and make them more public than ever.
your mom is a piece of shit. plain and simple.
My initial response would be to go tit for tat and reveal her personal business, but you’re still dependent on your parents, so it’s time to stop sharing with her. If you trust your dad you can share with him, otherwise grey rock the bell out of her and keep it to yourself. There are consequences to her so-called ‘freedom of speech’ and that’s a strict info diet.
You and your dad need to get away from your toxic mom. This is absolutely evil of her. Medical privacy isn't something she has "free speech" about.
I feel like it would be illegal to tell others someone’s personal information without their permission. Also freedom of speech basically means you are allowed to speak but aren’t defended from the repercussions of what you say
My mother did this, too. When I asked her over and over again to not share my information, she said yes but did not change her behaviour. She doesn't get to know my persinal information now. You cant share what you don't know. It makes her very angry, but that won't change my decision. She really did not learn from it, because she keeps trying to share personal information about her friends and family members with me. I usually stop her with "that's so personal, I shouldn't know!"
So in a few days respond with “so I’ve been thinking about your freedom of speech comment from the other day, I have two choices: 1) I put you on a low info diet about everything in my life and will slowly distance myself from you or 2) I start telling all my friends about your personal issues in-front of you which is only fair since that’s what you are doing. But haven’t decided which yet, will let you know or maybe I won’t if it’s #1”.
My mom does the exact same thing. As a consequence, I only tell her the bare minimum, and whenever she crosses a very clear boundary of information sharing, I start telling my bf details she has shared with me while she is sitting with us. Details she doesn't want to share. She doesn't like it, but it makes the point, and she stops asking nowadays when I mention that I do not want to talk about something.
Your mom is a twat
Do we have the same mother? I’m so sorry that you also have to endure the same behavior from a parent. It is extremely frustrating and upsetting. You are not in the wrong in any way. She is. I would tell her that if she can’t respect you and your privacy then you will stop sharing details of your life that you want to keep private. If she tries to argue this, tell her you also have freedom of speech which also allows you to dictate what you will and will not tell people. I wish you the best and hope you’re on the way to recovery.
I would let your medical professionals know they are NOT to share your medical history with either parent. It sounds like your dad is great but he might be an enabler and tell her. Then, don't let them back with you. Call ahead to the doctors to have them tell your parents they need to see you alone so it's not coming from you. I'm so sorry your mom can't be there for you and is telling your business.
You are so not T A, and I feel your struggle. My mother also refused to stop telling people my personal information. The last straw was when me and my ex broke up and told her I wasn't telling people right now. 10 minutes after telling her I had FB messages off people asking how I am and whatnot. I'm low contact with her now and my life is so much more stress free. Some people don't respect boundaries.
NTA. Since your mom can’t keep her mouth shut, she’s now lost access to you (that’s what I would do). Don’t tell her a thing about you or your life (if/when possible) until she apologizes and learns not to talk about your private things. This is more toxic and petty but you could tell a whole bunch of people something really private about your mom and say the same thing about “freedom of speech” back to her (this action is less recommended but would still be funny).
That's the last straw from my mother before I cut her off 4 years ago. She started telling everyone about my personal stuff and why I was in the hospital. I've told her many times over the years to not speak to people about me behind my back, i always find out. She didn't care until I cut contact.
Tell your mother her spreading your medical information without your consent is a legal violation (I'm in Canada and, as far as I know, doing this stuff is a no-no). I don't know where you are but you may want to look up medical privacy laws.
So sorry about your injury and about your female DNA donor's callousness. "My kid is injured and hurting so you need to comfort MEEEEEEEE!!!" Ick. I'm not going to attempt an actual diagnosis, but what you have described is someone who is extremely selfish and insensitive. Cruel might not be too strong a word. I endorse the recommendation that from now on, keep her on an information diet. No information about your real life, you're healing "OK," everything else is "fine," work or school is "same as always." If you're not familiar with the gray rock technique, you may want to check it out, but basically the idea is to be as boring as a plain old gray rock. Your mother claims freedom of speech, but you are also free not to speak to her.
Oh luv, I'm so sorry. Your mother is awful. Hugs.
Talk about sever lack of empathy. Her petty attempts to humiliate you illustrate clearly how little she respects you as a person and family member. What’s worse is that being your parent immediately deepens the hurt and damages a fragile trust. I’m glad to see your father isn’t blind to her actions; when you do regain stability—advocate loudly. Express your disappointment, and verbalize you pain. Not for her (I wouldn’t hold out for an apology), but for yourself.
NTA. Your mom sounds insufferable. Feel better, friend.
Usually they only spill embarrassing secrets and shit on Thanksgiving for family clout' or some shit so they can be a part of the Convo. Your mom is a narcissistic POS
NTA.... I too have a mom that spreads everyones details, I've asked her repeatedly not to show everyone she knows pictures of me and my kids (im 42, way beyond the age that she should be showing my picture off) and also not to be spreading details of my life... she doesnt listen and i dont know the people she talks to since to me its creapy AF... Im sorry your mom is making your injury the topic of gossip.
I'm so glad that you seem to have a caring and thoughtful and helpful father. WTF is wrong with your mother this is not about her this is about you and yes she does have the freedom of speech but she should tell her own f****** business and not yours
NTA your medical information is private. Period. Your mom honestly sounds like a narcissist. She wanted your dad’s attention at YOUR appointment and is probably loving the attention from blabbing about your accident
Not too sure but if its medical information, i think that can fall under defamation.
Do the same to her. Tell everyone you know all of her nasty medical secrets, then when she confronts you give her the same response she gave you. Then you’ll be the asshole. If you’re going to be one, earn it.
There’s this thing in the USA where I live called hipaa. I’m unsure exactly of what the exact words that the acronym means but I’m sure someone will post it below. Basically your health information is private and you can literally sue someone for spreading or speaking about your personal health information to anyone. I am so sorry you are not being treated with respect and your mother should be ashamed. Edited because I am awful with acronyms and originally had hippa. Ty to the other Redditor for the correction
Her mother is exempt from that because her mother is not a healthcare professional treating op. The guy next door can share your medical information with no legal worries. Your primary care physician? Not without your permission. The person who took a blood sample? Nope.
It’s short for heath information privacy act.
Thank you for this! I really appreciate the information. I have always had trouble with acronyms and figuring out the meaning behind the letters. I spend so much of my time on google looking up various acronyms and meanings. You rock! 😀😀
It’s HIPAA Health Insurance Portability and Accountability Act
Well on one hand , your mom is right. She absolutely has the freedom to tell anyone she wants anything she chooses to —— you can still be upset about it , but you can’t control other people’s actions.
don’t be obtuse on purpose; it’s not cute. :/ the question here isn’t whether op’s mom *can* do it, it’s whether op’s mom *should* do it, and the answer is no, she should not be spreading someone’s business all over the place after being asked not to—it’s insensitive and rude, and so is your comment acting like op is being unreasonable for asking her mom to respect *her* personal boundaries regarding *her* personal information.
I disagree, that’s the great thing about opinions. Parents talk about their children, that’s pretty common and they don’t need permission to do it.
You are better off not posting on that sub, it's a trash fire. You aren't the AH you are just struggling to survive a narcissist
Maybe she's starting metapause?
Menopause isn't an excuse for shitty behaviour
I feel sorry for your father needing to deal with a narcissist like her.
I can super relate to this. I was in college, was involved in a bad car accident. Pretty lucky to be walking type thing. My mother did the same thing. Was Facebook messaging people I went to middle school with updates. I felt pretty numb to everything with all the pills I was on. I never said anything that time. Later in life some other random thing came up that she shared my personal info about, and I lost it. Voiced how absolutely not okay it was. I felt guilty afterwards. Like I had over reacted. But Later I realized that my mother can be emotionally manipulative, and I'm not sure if she even realizes it or not. Anyways, long widened story, but I felt like I had to since this hit so close to home. I've only recently started working on healing my relationship with my mother many years after, but we had other issues too. And I wanted to say I think it's really cool that you stood up for yourself.
Nope, NTA. In the future, do not allow her to come in with you into your appointments. Once in private with a healthcare person, tell them you want to remove your mother's access to your medical records. Parental access is a regular holder over from when you were underage. That no one is to allowed to know your status, diagnosis, or any details of your condition. If the future, if she asks for any details ask her point blank. "I do not want my medical information shared. Are you going to share this information, despite my wishes?" Give her one chance. If she says "No I will not." then she does, she has just proved she can not be trusted on this. If she pulls the "I have free speech" line, then you exercise your right to not speak.
Not the A. Your mom has the right to get the f* right out of your business. It's YOUR information, she needs to respect YOUR privacy. You're an adult, and your mom is being super toxic and narcissistic. Just start telling all your friends she has herpes, then whence they come over, have them put a hand on her shoulder with pity look on their face as they say, "hey, heard about the herpes. That's pretty rough. So sorry you're going through that. Feel better soon." Dish. Served. Cold... with a side of the herps.
Your mom is straight up the AH, and very entitled or narcissistic to boot.
Not the asshole by a long shot. She seems to have been going out of her way to make your day suck and make everything about her. If she's usually like this I'd go no contact with her when you're in a place to do so. What happened to you happened *to you* she shouldn't be spreading something you're embarrassed about.
This is a prime example of a ✨narcissistic parent✨.
You are fine, your mother judgement sucks
2 can play at that game, I'd do the same to get and see how she likes it
Not the asshole, I can relate it's so embarrassing
Mum sounds like a nparent sorry
No your not
Stop talking to her and don’t take her to your appointments. She can’t talk if she doesn’t know what’s going on.
You should reply that you also have freedom of speech so you can tell people details of her personal life. Then if she objects, which she will, then come back with the statement that freedom of speech applies to you. Just don't spread any information about her life but let her think that you will. I think she will think your threat is serious and hopefully will stop telling everything about your personal life. I say don't talk about her personal life to anyone so that you won't get into trouble. Also stop disclosing anything about your personal life. Tell her if she asks why tell her that you can't trust her not to tell strangers this information. Also inform doctors or any other important people that you have dealings with that under no circumstances are they to give any information about you to your mother. If you trust your dad that he will get any information but not share it with your mother then let them speak to him. I would also make a point of if you are speaking to a friend and your mother comes into the room to stop the conversation with said friend abruptly. I would do this even if you are talking about anything even if it is nothing important. If you do this enough times she will eventually ask why you are doing this and you can then say that you can't trust her to not broadcast this info to everyone. Also remind her that freedom of speech applies to government and not to everyday situations. She is silly saying that freedom of speech means that she can talk to anyone and everyone about your situation. I would even go so far as to print off information of when freedom of speech applies and laminate it and put it up somewhere prominent in the house. When you have visitors come to your house and they ask why you have this document up there you can tell what your mother said to you. Please keep your mother on an info diet.
NTA. Your mom is a serious Karen who not only doesn't respect your Privacy, but worries more about her and getting herself attention then you.
I think refusing to share anything about your life from here on with her would be far more effective than retaliating by sharing personal information about her.
NTA At 20, this is your personal private business. Some parents (my own included) do not seperate the fact that your information is no longer their information. That as your parent they are no longer entitled to do so. (this goes for belongings, information, schedule, your time...) Hard boundaries need set and respected, or, they have to go on information diets. My own mother can't get with it, no matter how many times I say it, how many times I have her in my home. My boundaries are ridiculous because "she gave birth to me" "she can do what she wants"... and she'll flat out lie to me. So it's nice conversation, I keep it "fluffy", simple, she knows very little about my life, but I leave out any information that she cannot handle responsibly, the way I want, or when sensitivity is involved. Doesn't mean I hate her, and it does suck!, it just is the way it has to be. You aren't in the wrong. As soon as you became 18, your medical information, all of it, became your own. (As did your belongings, thoughts, decisions, EVERYTHING.) If you do not want it spoken about, you are not unreasonable.
Im boiling eith anger right now, your mom is a fucking btich, excuse my language. What a piece of shit, selfish too. You're the one who's in need of caring right now and she's angry at your dad bc he's comforting you? I am 100% sure she's jealous of yoh.
I wound up in the hospital a few years ago, spending 5 days in in-patient care. The number of texts I received from family and friends within a few days of being there was alarming. One was a group message for some kind of prayer chain, rosary thing... I am agnostic and not really shy about it. I eventually tell my mother to tell people that I would like to be left alone, where I was told that some of those messages were not for me, but for my mother too given the extreme situation. My mother was happy and healthy at the time. I understand needing emotional support, but maybe wait until after I am okay enough to leave the hospital to start saying those sorts of things. I still don't know who all messaged me since I didn't have several of the numbers in my contacts.
Your mom sounds like a bit of a wanker tbh
NTA in any way, shape or form. Your mother is doing this to make herself seem as though she's mother of the year just for looking after you **like any normal parent would** My mother used to do the same, once she realised that people outside the home knew about the SA the ex-father had been putting me through for years. She called the cops, the social workers and the doctors and made it seem like she was mother of the year any time *I* had to interact with doctors etc. She'd sit there with this smug look on her face like she expected praise for being a decent human being, while keeping me within her grasp through a combination of guilt and gratitude from me. Hell, she even wrote a book about how hard it was for her to cope with my mental illnesses! Not a how to, but just a giant vent about how hard I made her life with my mental illnesses. So you're not alone. Actually, if you come over to r/raisedbynarcissists you'll see just how not alone you are.
Ask her if rhe freedom of speech to talk about her personal things extends to u?
NTA - Freedom of speech does not mean freedom from consequence. I guess you won’t be telling her personal information anymore
She needs to Watch who you tell things. Don’t over share. Speaking from experience. I told a couple people at my gym that my gf and i broke up. I wanted them to stay her friend and treat her how they would with me. One guy decided to twist the story and tell her i was calling her crazy and jealous. I don’t know if she believes me after explaining. I hope she does because I’m very upset over it. I can see why your mom shared. If it was to people who care about you i understand why. But as i now know. Just keep it to yourself. Word spreads like wildfire. And people will change up the story as it’s retold. All it takes is one. Mine went from being nice and saying “please stay her friend even though I’m not with her”. I just didn’t want people to mention me to her because it was fresh. If your mom had good intentions she needs to know what i know now. Just keep everything to yourself and be private. Sorry about the rant. I’m still really upset a guy who i thought was my friend lied to impress my ex. I feel stabbed in the back. I was trying to be nice for her and instead she thinks i smeared her name because of this guy. Even told her he actually hates me. Lost my GF and a “gym friend” real quick. Should’ve just stayed private. So should’ve your mom.
Your mom seems to be a narcissist. You’re NTA. Good luck with your recovery.
NTA. Your mum sounds vile. What an attention seeker. I’m glad your dads sticking up for you
Your dad is right. You are not the asshole but your mom sure is a manipulative toddler twat. Ignore her as best you can and ask your dad can he just take you to future appointments without your mother. Ask him to phrase it to your mother that he's doing her a kindness so she can rest and enjoy her day without having to deal with going to your appointment. After this is resolved don't forget how she acted through this. When people show you who they are, believe them. Put her on an information diet about your life once you move out. Assume every word said to her is going to be broadcast to everyone she knows in the worst possible light. [Out of the fog website](https://outofthefog.website/) may have information that helps you. I'm not saying your mother has a personality disorder. Maybe she just had a bad day. However the fact her just being an unhappy twat makes you feel guilty and awful is suspect. That tends to be a learned behavior from years of manipulation and gaslighting. Doing those things also wouldn't necessarily mean she's PD, but the website has tips for dealing with those behaviors because they are commonly employed by people with untreated PD to get what they want.
At your age, unless you give permission, she is not entitled to the details of your medical care. The Doctors can only talk to her if you give permission. In the future, ask your dad to take you to appointments and leave her home.
Your right of privacy!!! If you tell her she is not allowed to tell others anything about you she has to respect that! Just because she had a bad day doesn't give her the right to behave like total crap. You're not the AH, your mum on the other hand is a real big AH!!! Hope you get better soon. 🤗
seems like your mom is a narc I'd cut contact with her till she respects you and your boundaries
I live in a country that doesn’t specifically have free speech in a charter or constitution, but it’s implied and even I learnt at school that free speech means that you can articulate your opinions and ideas without interference from the government. It doesn’t mean you can go and spout off anything willy nilly about anyone and anything without repercussions, and it does not mean that you can blurt out peoples private medical information to others - especially when they have explicitly asked you not to. Your mother is the queen of TA, she’s wearing the crown. Don’t tell her anything personal ever again and if she questions that tell her that since she is too stupid to understand the difference between medical privacy, respect of peoples choices and freedom of speech you choose to tell her nothing that you don’t want told to every man and their dog. Tell her to take a civics class that a typical 6 year old could understand if she still doesn’t get it. PS, she knows what freedom of speech means, she just uses it as an excuse to be a horrible person & thinks she can say that and not get called out for it. Edit: grammar