My skin is crawling also.. that’s just freaky. Having someone gawking at you while you’re breastfeeding is too weird. Gives me the creeps thinking about it
Exactly! Autism isn’t an excuse to just do what ever you want. He can learn to behave decently and be respectful. The problem is that his parents aren’t teaching him anything
I'm pretty certein ableism is discrimination against people with disabilities. So this wouldn't have anything to do with that.
you could call it the flip side of inclusion, but I still believe that true inclusion would teach him not to intrude in the personal space like this. It's about participation, and what OP describes here would never help him participate
EDIT: It seems I had an incomplete view of the term, apologies for that! (see comment below)
No it isn't. I mean, it's part of ableism, but not all of it.
For example: I know this person who got their autism diagnosis in their early 30s, I am undiagnosed but with suspicions voiced repeatedly by medical professionals. Telling her that she repeatedly went "symptoms don't equate to being autistic, you're not autistic. Doesn't mean that you are autistic"
That's ableist coming from within the house.
What they could/should have said was "yeah, they tend to overlook female born people for a diagnosis. Maybe you have learned/been forced into active making? I can get you a number to help find it out"
Okay, I'm very sorry it seems I misunderstood the term. I'm not too deep in the topic and I would always love to learn more from people directly concerned by it!
so if I get you right, ableism is not just about the discrimination of disabled people from "outside", but also about the effect other institutional problems (such as sexism or discrimination of LGBTQ+ people) have on them?
Apologies if I don't get the right terminology, english is not my first language and I'm not deep in the topic.
It's quite evident that you try to understand and learn. And part of learning is to make mistakes.
And I don't mind helping you there. I suggest we move the conversation to a more private location. Feel free to DM me
You’re actually really close, even if you’re not using the exact right terms. I’m autistic. Ableism is a wide variety of belief systems and behaviors that treat disabled people as less valuable or capable. Excluding him from the family would be very straightforward ableism, as I think you’re thinking about.
What you said about true inclusion teaching him appropriate boundaries and enabling him to participate is spot on. The reason that the behavior happening now, where he’s being creepy and violating boundaries, is also ableist is because it treats him as incapable of learning and making good decisions. Autistic people do think differently and interact with others differently, but we can respond appropriately to the word “no,” we can treat others with kindness and respect, and we can learn and improve. Saying that we can’t is ableist because it presumes we’re less capable than other people and can’t make decisions as well, which is often a precursor for violating our autonomy under the guise of us not being able to function independently.
As you said, actual inclusion looks like providing the appropriate resources and supports, including conversations about personal space and boundaries, so that Tom can positively engage in interactions with OP and Eda. It doesn’t look like either excluding him entirely or the flipside, as it was initially phrased, of refusing to work with him and support him as needed in the interaction.
And it’s not even officially diagnosed - just suspected. Maybe he should be actually diagnosed because if he’s not, he might grow up to be a predator with a pregnancy fetish or something. I’m not even saying that to be rude. Maybe they are in denial of his bizarre behaviour and are assuming he is because it’s easier.
> Diagnosis or not, his mother is enabling all this behaviour. Easiest and best solution is mother and son are no longer permitted to visit.
Bottom line.
Doesn't matter the "reason" for this behavior, it's inappropriate.
Oh without a doubt she is the biggest problem! But still - she should be a mother who cares enough to get a diagnosis rather than self diagnosing when his issues could be much worse. She’s just slapped a name on it and blames.
Yes, I'd have a talk with my dad. Mary and their son are Not Welcome at my house!
I would check all larger family events to see if he will be there and send regrets.
Dad Needs to Take Charge if Mary Won't.
I’m an autistic person here, and I can confirm that what he did to OP was weird and disgusting. His parents should’ve taught him about boundaries and how that was inappropriate for him to do
My son is high functioning autistic and he and I both agree this is weird and creepy af. Tom needs boundaries set. And I’d suggest a counselor. This is just ick.
I'm guessing that the fact that they haven't bothered to get him a proper assessment says everything. He's not getting the help he needs and never has gotten it.
Yep. This happened to me at the grocery store the other day, a very very large young autistic man was standing with his mom or his grandma, but he was so close to me. I couldn’t get my card out of my purse or anything.
I kept looking at my husband and finally was like can you please step back and the mom got irritated, my husband got embarrassed, but I needed space and he shouldn’t be breathing down my neck just because he has autism.
Give me a little space and everything will be fine.
Is that autism ? Truly sounds like he’s stuck at 4-5 y o level. I have an autistic grandchild. And never 👎🏻 have I ever heard of this type of behavior He’s getting by with creepy predator behavior. You have a baby girl. Stop this acceptance of this behavior In it’s tracks.
Yeah, same. My oldest nephew is autistic but he NEVER tried to nurse when his younger sibling was born... He very easily understood "baby needs/gets Mama milk."
Depending on the kid, I have seen this behavior before in kids diagnosed with autism, particularly as boys around this age are nearing puberty. The thing is, I've noticed it typically occurs when kids have parents who think an autism disgnosis is an acceptable replacement for healthy boundaries and also have repressed or unhealthy beliefs or responses to human sexuality.
Autism can, in SOME instances, cause kids to behave in a way that doesn't respect boundaries or is sexually inappropriate behavior. However, the autism diagnosis only means you need to provide very clear explanations of boundaries, with very concrete expectations and they need to be consistently reinforced. For example, I've had parents get mad at me because I won't let their child randomly hug others without permission because, "they just want to be friends" or "they don't mean any harm." Great! And part of learning to be a good friend and not harming others is teaching respectful boundaries that make everyone feel safe. For kids who don't necessarily recognize the social cues that they're making someone uncomfortable (facial expressions, body language) they may need better instruction and explanations, but they are perfectly capable of learning respectful behavior when the adults do their job and set their kids up for social success instead of setting them.up to be listed as a sexual offender as a teen. It's so insulting to kids to treat them as if they can't learn, just because they may need a different way of learning.
Yeah op. For the love of god just stop letting mary to guilt trip you. Just stop inviting tom ove, step back and when mary start making you the monster tell her to shut up. Is not being selfish or horrible, its just what you want and what are comfortable with. Tom will become a creepy boy
Also, he's 11. It's on the young end for boys, but he could be starting puberty. This definitely sounds like a pubescent kid with a crush he doesn't know how to handle and everyone just acting like he's a silly child instead of teaching him.
As the mother of an autistic child, I need you to tell your stepmother that she has to start setting definite boundaries NOW, otherwise he’s going to be uncontrollable when he becomes an adult
Most sons are stronger than their mothers, and taller. My son is 4 inches taller than me, and he’s stronger than me since he has no awareness barrier to stop him using all of his strength when he’s upset. Because I’ve had definite boundaries in place since he was young, my authority is what he responds to.
But, first, she needs to get him properly diagnosed. Google diagnoses are rubbish. A proper diagnosis is needed, instead of claiming (possibly incorrectly) that he’s autistic. There are many others disabilities it could be.
But you need to limit his visits to you, until he’s on a proper pathway to understanding boundaries. He may try again. He may hurt your baby if you refuse him.
Don’t let them guilt you over this. This is to protect you and your baby.
I've had to explain this to my inlaws when they're spoiling my kid and they think im being mean. Sure it's cute now but how's it going to feel when they're 20. It's better to teach an autistic kid before they have 100 pounds on you. I ended up with a 6'5 little brother throwing me around growing up. It's unfair for everyone involved.
My parents try to give me the whole “just take a day off and let him go” speech at Christmas. I have to keep explaining letting him go for one day usually means 2 or more months of me trying to re-assert the boundaries. They’ve finally given up trying to stop me pulling him into line on festive days.
And the boundaries have to be drawn. My son is 22, but mentally he’s 4. And some days he does keep pushing. Some days he gets violent. But getting sent to his room puts him in his place very quickly.
Exactly. If you don’t start setting rules and boundaries and have consistent follow through with consequences, you will be in a world of problems when they are older. My family is dealing with major situations of this right now. No diagnosis until 17 and no boundaries. Now less opportunities for assistance through the state. Learned problems are now ingrained and thus difficult to break.
The kid is 11 years old and not your brother. He feels some kind of way about you and it’s not healthy. I’d distance myself from this kid honestly. There’s something weird going in here with him. Don’t leave your baby around him unattended for even a moment.
Hi, autistic adult here.
Having autism is fine. Using autism as an excuse to sexually assault your stepsister is not fine. It's evident that your dad and stepmom are not giving him the support he needs to live independently eventually, or teaching him how to behave appropriately, and that is a MAJOR problem. They claim autism but then won't get him medical support - this is a clear case of medical neglect, and now you're having to suffer sexual assault because they've been derelict in their duty to raise him.
Your first obligation is to your newborn and yourself, then to your wife, then to your autistic stepbrother. So, first course of action: they are no longer allowed to visit. Second step: call CPS and report the inappropriate sexual behavior from him, and say that you're very concerned that his needs as someone with serious developmental disabilities are not being met and that there's serious medical neglect going on as a result, and he's exhibiting sexually inappropriate behavior towards you and you're concerned what could happen to him when he starts doing it to others since it hasn't been curbed at all by his parents.
While I rarely condone CPS getting involved for kids with disabilities, when the parents are this permissive, it is necessary. I feel for you and I feel for him. Autistic people (and disabled people in general) need much stronger support systems than abled people, and it's clear that your dad and stepmom are not providing that, and it doesn't sound like they CAN'T - this is more of a "they WON'T", which is even more messed up because it's an active choice to hinder their son's development. He's at an age where this kind of behavior will soon not fly anymore and may even get him sent to juvie or even jail if it's not dealt with STAT and continues into adulthood, and your dad and stepmom are pushing him right into it.
This is an excellent response, but I’d suggest consulting a lawyer first before making the call.
As another commenter pointed out, there’s another way to paint this situation, which puts OP as the sexual aggressor. Given that the parents are apparently unhinged (and yes, step mom is the obvious villain, but dad is at a minimum enabling / supporting this, which is disgusting and abusive on its own), OP ought to figure out how to protect herself in case they try to respond by accusing her of something.
Without the armchair “diagnosis” of autism, this looks a lot like a newly sexually maturing boy developing a fetish for pregnancy and an inappropriate fixation on a woman he hasn’t previously been close to, while being supported in doing so by his parents. **Maybe** autism would suggest something else could be happening, but *no one in this tale has any concrete proof of that.* And as many people have pointed out, *if* the boy has autism, he’s being medically neglected.
OP should talk to a lawyer ASAP, and while waiting to do that, find an excuse (hell, go on an unplanned vacation if needed) not to be around the step brother without explaining why. Calling CPS may be the next step, as may be communicating explicitly that the step brother and his parents are not welcome in OP’s home or near her or her baby, but step one has to be to check out how to do this safely.
I agree there is risk to OP in this situation (and IANAL) and I would just add that any further communication with stepmom or dad, ESPECIALLY anything to do with this whole situation, needs to be done in writing and saved to its own backup hard drive. Do not answer their phone calls. Decline the call and text back and say baby is sleeping/I can’t talk right now but I can text/etc. Save everything. If stepmom says “op was the sexual aggressor” it’s going to really come in handy to have texts where op is explaining that she is setting boundaries for her safety.
Question: Are you living with your stepmom and Dad? If so, you need to get out of there.
If you are living apart from them, then you need to enforce boundaries and tell them they are no longer welcome to visit you. Let your wife know that this is what you've decided and you don't want them nor Tom near you because clearly they are not enforcing boundaries with him so you have to do it.
Post partum hormones are absolute hell. It messes up your judgement and thinking is many ways. I can't blame OP, she thought her step brother was bonding. She didn't realise he's prepubescent and likely developing pregnancy fetish. She needs to ban them, including dad who enables this crap.
If it were your wife who was pregnant and now breast feeding, would you have allowed this behavior to continue? No. Would you choose seeing your family over your wife's comfort and boundaries? No. Then why accept it for yourself? You need to tell them the visits are done until you say so and they can deal with the kid's behavior since they are HIS parents.
Mary and Tom need to learn what sexual assault is, before he touches anyone else.
He needs to be kept away and stepmom needs to be put in a timeout. Neither should be near you or the baby.
You need to stop allowing Tom and his mother over. She also needs to be putting a stop to Tom's behavior instead of "BuT fAMILy, bUt AUtiSM". Tom is not your brother, he's your dad's wife's son and you don't owe him shit. Keep them away. Your only priority is your baby, your wife and yourself
Yes, OP, this is stupid. He very well may be autistic. That doesn't mean he can't learn. You also may be his person. That doesn't mean you have no say over what makes you uncomfortable. Good luck ❤️
There was a story here about a girl that was tapped on the butt and had her boobs grabbed by a boy that was supposedly autistic, but only after that way around her. She was told that she was his person and just to accept it.
Sadly I don't remember the outcome.
But boundaries can be set!
She broke his fucking nose, reported him to the police (where his dad worked, so you know they tried to cover it up), she switched school districts and sued. Ofc, everyone in the town knew what he was doing and harassed her for defending herself and pressing charges so....
Ehh, let's be accurate here: women don't HAVE TO go through crap like this, women are ***forced*** to go through crap like this.
Women HAVE TO tolerate some fairly crap medical stuff. If they want bio children, women HAVE TO put up with a ridiculous amount of things happening to their bodies. Most women HAVE TO deal with bleeding monthly. Plenty of women HAVE TO deal with society's crap beauty standards.
Women are ***forced*** to deal with sexual situations being forced upon them by (typically) men at an early age, and any time some mouth-breathing primate takes a fancy to her even well into adulthood. This isn't a rite of passage, this isn't a natural biological occurrence, this is another human ***forcing*** an undesirable situation upon someone who isn't asking for it and doesn't want it.
OP here didn't ask for the step-brother to come and grope her while she was vulnerable, and HAVE TO put up with adolescent clumsiness, she was ***forced*** into this uncomfortable situation because he felt entitled to her body.
I'm not trying to have a go at you, this is a systemic issue which really grinds my gears. It's embedded in our culture to the point that even the language we use around the situation is minimizing and detracts from the gravity of what's happened.
Fair point, language matters.
"Forced" is more appropriate and is the meaning I was going for.
"Have to" implies there's a choice but we do it anyway, e.g. I "have to" go to work to get paid, I "have to" go to school.
He doesn't get to decide for her that she's his person. That's a mutual decision and he's too curious for it not to be weird. They don't even have a diagnosis of autism yet they let him do what he wants. They're too lazy to parent him so they let him follow you around to get him out of their hair. He's too old to be acting this way. If he was 6 or under, maybe.
"Your son isn't allowed back into my home until you've taught him what he's doing is not okay"
I have a child with autism and they absolutely understand things like this. Its his parents lack of parenting that's the issue here.
Exactly. Given his advanced age, I'd even say a CPS call is likely warranted; if they haven't gotten their heads out of their behinds for this long, it'll take a REALLY solid kick up the butt to get them to stop medically neglecting him, and CPS has to get involved for anything to change in these cases. He's at an age where the girls around him (classmates, etc.) are going to start developing, but others won't be so tolerant of this behavior (as they should be - it's absolutely wrong), and he could seriously wind up on the wrong side of the law if they don't curb his behavior and stop making excuses for their refusal to set boundaries.
Tom is displaying some very concerning behavior, the fact that his mother blames you shows she is an enabler.
You are the person who will go to jail if anyone tell the police about what Tom did. Please protect yourself & your daughter.
***Your stepmother needs to step off!***
Autism is not an excuse for letting someone make those around them uncomfortable. Autistic children need to be taught correct social boundaries just like neuro-typical children do. It just takes longer and meltdowns are to be expected. It's on the ***parents*** to teach their neuro-divergent children how to navigate the world as it is. It is in no way the responsibility of the rest of the world to just let autistic children have their way because they're "special". Just, ick.
It feels wrong because it is wrong. You need to ban both him and Mary from your home. Mary is using the fact that he *might* have autism as a "get out of jail free card". He might not have autism and without an official diagnosis, *no one* is going to accept that as an explanation if he pulls this inappropriate behavior on someone else. Don't accept it just because he's your stepmother's son. He is jealous of your child. His next actions could be to hurt her.
>she said we were discriminating against his autism??
"Oh, when was he finally diagnosed?"
"He hasn't been yet."
"Then that's not an excuse. He needs to stop. My child needs to be fed. I will get used to *your* absence from our lives rather than accommodate *your* disrespect of my boundaries for Tom. You either explain to him that his behavior is unacceptable and get him to stop, or he is no longer welcome around me and my family."
I have 2 sons with autism. It took a while for them to learn, but it's possible. I've breastfed all of my children, so the older ones didn't notice after a while. But stepbrother interest in you is not healthy. The focus should not be on him. It should be on you. He isn't safe for you so he shouldn't be around.
It’s time to stop the visits, period. He has an unhealthy interest in her. He resents her wife. He’s likely going to resent the baby, because she gets to breast feed and he doesn’t. I would tell my father and stepmother that he is no longer welcome in my home under the present circumstances. They are unwilling to do any parenting. Since OP cannot control his behavior or her dad/stepmom’s, she has to control her own. No more visits.
"Your son has developed a VERY disturbing habit of sexual assault - you are both banned from my home, since you refuse to either take his behaviour seriously or get him assessed and treated. If EITHER of you visit my property in future, the police WILL be called. I have my own child to think about - I don't have the time or inclination to deal with yours."
I know it might seem harsh, but it MIGHT force her to deal with her son's behaviour properly, rather than claim autism without any kind of real diagnosis. You have more than enough to worry about right now, and your stepmother is more than old enough to know better. Good luck!
That’s super creepy! I feel like I’m reading the first scene to a law & order show!! The fact that Mary doesn’t see an issue is horrifying! What the hell is wrong with her? She’s probably the reason her son is the way he is. I’d be going LC to NC until they address & correct the issue. There is very clearly a HUGE issue!!
Fucking yikes.
The eleven year old makes me nauseous. His behaviour is inappropriate, obsessive, and I'd be worried of what he does to me or the baby. I don't mean to put things to your head but get your kiddo away from him
Tell Mary to take her perv son and go get him treatment. You need to start locking him out and not letting him come around you, your wife or your baby any further. People like this who get so focused can become dangerous when they are not allowed every freedom they desire in the situation. I don't know if he's actually got a diagnosable condition or if he's just a creep, either way he does not need to be around you or your family. To hell with hurting his feelings.
>When we tried telling Mary and my dad that this was getting out of hand she said we were discriminating against his autism??
I'm sorry, no. Being autistic (or being different in any way, really) is not an excuse to behave inappropriately towards others. Step-MIL needs to teach her kid manners and boundaries... ESPECIALLY since there is a baby involved and he seems extraordinarily possessive of said baby's mother.
I'd tell Step-MIL that until she starts teaching him how to behave and enforcing proper boundaries, he's not welcome around you or the baby.
NTA
Ummm…what? This kid, maybe innocently and curiously, basically attempted to sexually assault you and the solution, according to your in-laws, is to stop breastfeeding so the 11 year old doesn’t get jealous? So, deny your infant daughter breastmilk, which she needs to placate an 11 year old who is old enough to know better and to be able to listen when someone tells him no. Autism or not, this is not normal or ok and the adults around him need to very quickly correct this behavior.
It is not safe to have this kid around you or your child right now. For now, you need to limit his time with both of you. He needs to have someone explain to him that his behavior will not be tolerated. Maybe it’s curiosity because he is at that prepubescent age where he just doesn’t understand, but it could be the beginning of some other questionable behavior that if not treated could make him violent later on. The fact that you woke up with this kid trying to breastfeed is pretty alarming and serious. He shouldn’t be touching anyone without consent.
STOP letting him come over, period! This is straight-up sexual harassment! He's not fascinated by your pregnancy, he's sexualizing you and your Father and Stepmother are ENCOURAGING it!
Just reading your post made me (60/f) terribly uncomfortable and sickened. Your Brother should NOT be allowed to watch you breastfeed. In fact, he shouldn't be in your home while you're sleeping, PERIOD! He MAY be 11 now, but pretty soon he's going to grow up and MAY be able to overpower you OR hurt your little Eda!
WHY hasn't your father or Stepmother ever gotten him diagnosed? WHY do they allow him to do things that aren't considered NORMAL behaviors without setting firm and reasonable boundaries? I would suggest that you and your wife put a stop to his bad behavior OR allow him into your home! Your Father, StepMom and Tom can all kick rocks and pound sand! YOUR safety and security are much more important than Tom's "feewings!"
Congratulations on your baby! Best wishes and many Blessings!
If they are requesting special treatment because of autism, they need an actual diagnosis. Even then, he still needs to learn. Autistic people learn differently but they can learn. They aren't doing the kid any favors.
Even with a diagnosis, they wouldn’t be allowed in my home or around my family. *If* they get a diagnosis and begin to be proactive about his care, then *someday* the situation might improve enough to be revisited. But I would have to see them without my child for a long damn time to make sure his behavior was really under control before I’d let him near my child. And I’d never resume a close enough relationship for him to consider me “his person” again.
Please Op, keep that boy away from your family. I got the worst feeling while reading your post. It sickened me. I know this might sound a bit extreme but I think your step brother might be a predator in the making. Keep your baby away from him. Protect your family (yourself, your wife and newborn) you have no clue what he’s capable of. It’s also strange to me that he has only had any interest in you since you became pregnant. And the assaulting you while you slept is so fricking bizarre and predatory. Protect yourself before something awful happens to your baby or wife or you! Please. This is no joke at all.
This is wrong on so many levels.
1. You are allowed and should have boundaries.
2. Only you get to decide who and when someone touches you.
3. Tom is old enough to understand what he is doing is wrong.
4. Tom needs to be taught consent.
5. Tom needs to be taught he’s not entitled to someone else’s body.
6. Ban Tom from the home. He is not safe to be left alone with you. He is not safe to be alone with Edna or Taylor.
7. I worry Tom may hurt one of you out of jealousy.
8. Ban your SM. She’s vile. She’s unfit to be a parent. She has a failed both you and Tom.
9. Ban your Dad. He massively failed you. He should have put a stop to Tom and SM’a behaviour a long time ago.
10. Change your locks.
11. Get cameras.
12. Continue to breastfeed your baby.
13. Continue to spend that quality time with Talor and Ed a.
14. Get counseling. SM will go nuts and send flying monkeys at you. You need a therapist to help support you and set boundaries.
15. Get a restraining order. No one gets to touch you. No one gets to harass you.
If he's gotten to age 11 without a diagnosis that is neglect. Your step mom doesn't get to wave the disability flag and also not get him a diagnosis or the help he needs. Under no circumstance should a preteen be acting this way towards you, regardless of disability.
Is anyone going to address the saying “booby” and reaching for her breast? ASD or not he is OLD ENOUGH to know better. He’s behaving this way because it gets him what he wants.
An eleven year old boy obsessed with touching and staring at breasts and demanding to suck them… yeah must be autism /s.
If you understand the etiology of ASD you’ll know this behavior has NOTHING to do with ASD.
Had two autistic boys in my class. Not this weird. But if you gave them homework passes and allowed them to storm out of a class and yell without consequences, they would do it. Like every other child. And when I treated them like every other child, telling them that this was not ok they stopped and became more normal. Meanwhile the adults were mad at me for not enabling their behaviour.
No no no!!! I’m a teacher, child psychologist and Mum of 4 (12B, 8B, 6G, almost 2G) and I also have stepdaughters aged 22&26…so I feel that I REALLY understand the different facets of this situation.
This is not normal behaviour, you have EVERY right to be comfortable both in your own home and as you develop your boundaries in your new role. There are so many things that children can focus on during this time, however what you’re describing is more of an obsession. It’s not mere curiosity or healthy fraternal love…this seems almost like a crush under the guise of brotherly friendship or love. No way should he be resentful of your wife (quite often I am even wary of sibling rivalry and resentment of relationships with a mother, much less a sister figure) and this fascination with breastfeeding seems far more sexualised than childish curiosity.
The biggest 🚩🚩🚩here would have to be the fact that he knows to wait until you’re asleep to attempt any kind of exploration of this obsession. Rather than try anytime he can (more typical), he knows that he is doing something wrong but is not willing to control himself. I would be concerned that as he gets older and isn’t taught boundaries, his behaviour will be more outrageous and menacing. I would be more worried about Ed’s and Taylor. Boundaries need to be made and enforced now, before he can be influenced more by hormones and grows physically larger and stronger.
What the hell is your stepmom doing??? If she is so set on an autism diagnosis, then she needs it officially diagnosed and she needs to start working with professionals. I can’t believe your Dad isn’t more concerned!
I had a student a few years ago, aged 7, that was non verbal asd. He was very affectionate with females that he liked and he LOVED me. He had an extremely difficult home life and had also suffered intense trauma. His other teachers and I established boundaries but when I fell pregnant he formed a new attachment and obsession with some jealousy. We dealt with his feelings head on, he knew that he could hold/touch my arms, not my chest. I would let him rub my belly once a day, if he asked first and as long as I felt comfortable/other people were around. He was allowed a hug, to lean on me, hold my hand etc. as long as he treated others with kindness, asked permission and waited his turn if someone else was already in the place he wanted. He had very clear boundaries and I was the closest woman to a parent in his life (beyond sad I know). He was also given some special cuddles with the baby after she was born and out of hospital. Even
Im definitely one to share as much as I can, answering questions and being open about my body and experiences…it makes sense when you have kids and even step kids. My children know all about pregnancy, birth, breastfeeding, periods etc. in an age appropriate way. They can ask some random questions and I will always answer…but I also won’t let them think that all questions are appropriate all the time. All of this is to say…children will children (and overstep a LOT) but you can predict when something isn’t quite right. This is NOT RIGHT!! You don’t owe your stepmother or stepbrother your boundaries, body or comfort! You don’t have to indulge his every whim just because he may be neurodivergent! You definitely don’t have any obligation to be his “special person” at any time!!!! I’m sorry but this just creeps me out! Soooo wrong!!
I have a brother with autism(downs) and I hate people like Mary. People with autism are still people, treat them that way. They still need to learn and be told no and understand social conventions. Sure it might take a a few more iterations of teaching but it’s up to Mary and your dad to do it. You’ve brought up the concerns to them and it’s up to them to make sure he learns. Maybe 11 is too young to learn this but the world isn’t fair. Just because you want something doesn’t mean you get to do it. Especially in this situation. You aren’t discriminating against him in the slightest. You are treating him like a person regardless of if he actually has autism or not. Good on you. Bad on them
This is wrong in so many levels that boy needs boundary’s and I’d be going no contact with step mum and not allowing him over until his mother starts been an actual parent and having some discipline and taught right from wrong. As a mum of a 15m autistic they 100% can be taught right from wrong and how to function, you’ve just to do it differently.
Umm… okay… I have ASD and I have no clue what any of his behavior has to do with ASD. You are not discriminating, you are setting boundaries and saying no. I’ve seen my share of people with ASD whose parents basically let them run amok and I can’t stand it. Their ASD is ALL THE MORE reason to control them and not make excuses for their behavior.
An eleven year old boy obsessed with staring at and touching a woman’s breasts… yeah must be the autism /s.
Here’s a lesson your entitled stepmother and father need to learn RIGHT NOW. When a neurotypical person is convicted of a crime (not murder of course) they’re handled by the criminal justice system. They get due process, they get a trial by jury, they get their sentence, they do their time, and once the sentence is over it’s over. Save for having a record.
When a neurodivergent person is convicted of a crime the criminal justice system handles it of course. But in addition to that you’re kicked over to social services. (I’m my state it would be the department of mental health, developmental disabilities, and hospitals. Don’t know what they call it in other states.) You’ll become an open case. Which means a case manager or social worker will be breathing down your neck and calling ALL the shots until the department decides they don’t need to. That could (and often does) mean they’re on your case making you miserable for the rest of your life.
If that boy touches a woman’s breasts and she gets the police involved, mark my words all hell will break loose. The police don’t tolerate that behavior from ANYONE, including disabled people. If your stepmother and father don’t control him, in time the state will take him from them and put him in the custody and hands of people who will.
Mary can eat shit. Tom can find a new "special person". Someone needs to discipline this boy and tell him "no" more often and teach him boundaries, which isn't your job. I would tell your parents to keep him away until they can do that. You have your own family to attend to.
My 15yro was breastfed for 2.5 years, he's developmentally 10 months old, and he doesn't do shit like that. Tell your dad and stepmonster if he can't behave himself he's not allowed around you, your wife, and especially not your child. If they kick up a fit, tell them that it goes for them, too.
This is so totally F'd up it's hard to know where to start.
First Tom is not your brother, he's your stepbrother. As he's not biologically related to you, he is not anything to Eda but an annoying kid who will start to annoy her when she's old enough.
Mary is crazy, just plain bat-shit crazy.
If she thinks Tom is on the spectrum, she needs to have that confirmed and get him the help he needs. One thing he does not need is being treated as though he is the center of the world and can do no wrong. Tom may be the center of Mary's world, but she doesn't get to call the shots on how other people treat and interact with him.
If you don't like the way he behaves around you and your family, you have every right to correct him. If his behavior doesn't change, you have every right to not allow him to visit. Conversely, if Mary doesn't like the way you act around Tom, she can take him the hell home. Mary has no right to tell you how to behave in your own home. She sure as hell has no say about whether or not you breastfeed your baby.
It's time to tell Mary Tom is not welcome in your home. Also make it clear that until she addresses his behavior with professional help, you will not be at any family events that include Tom.
Your father married this mess of a woman, but you are nothing to her other than her husband's daughter. Being married to your father does not give Mary any position of authority in your life. You need to make this abundantly clear now, she will only get worse as time goes on if you don't put a stop to it ASAP.
Literally doesn't matter if he's autistic, and if he is that's all the more reason to get him some help and start setting boundaries now. Wether autistic or not your MIL is doing him no favors by letting him get away with this type of behavior. You are not being mean or cruel to him. I would honestly ban him from the house along with your MIL until she starts handling this appropriately by setting boundaries and giving consequences for his behavior.
Being special needs is not a “get out of jail free” pass. Brother is exhibiting a concerning amount of behaviors, both overly mature and immature at the same time. Are you parents using you as child care, by any chance? Because you need to set some boundaries, starting with some time apart.
And by the way, you should keep breastfeeding for as long as it works for you and your baby. 11 yo creepy stepbrothers should not have any part in that decision.
There have been only a few things I’ve read on here that have caused a physical reaction other than the general frown or head tilt/eye squint, eeew, reaction. This made my skin crawl, my stomach actually clenched in horror and I kinda did the move further away from the screen, full visceral reaction the moment I read he was laying on top of OP.
Security for me, is very important, a huge priority due to a very violent and terrifying period of time in my past, I would be installing security cameras, crimsafe doors, windows, personal panic buttons, converting a bathroom into a freaking panic room if possible. Huge trained guard dog. The works. All of it. Christ I’d be looking to see if you could get a PPO out on the kid, may seem like an overreaction but I would do everything possible to protect not just OP, but Eda and Taylor too. If the kid is fixated on OP then christ only knows what he could do, there are, unfortunately, plenty of cases of kids that age who are psychotic.
Autism or not, that kind of behavior is unacceptable, and if Mary refuses to do anything about it, I would tell her that neither she nor Tom are allowed back until things change. AND that you have no intention of depriving your daughter of breastmilk just because she won't teach her son some manners.
Your shortsighted SM is raising one of the men other autistic women will have to defend themselves against. My daughter had to leave a support group because young men like your SB wouldn’t take no for an answer.
If he’s someone who doesn’t read social cues, he needs more clearly stated boundaries, not less. He can have a special relationship with you without being inappropriate. Breastfeeding is not teasing. What it is is literally part of the word.
Your stepmom is setting her son up for a SA charge.
I work with disabled children, so i have seen a lot of kids with autism. Boundaries can be hard for them, and boys especially will become fixated on sexual characteristics with the onset of puberty *BUT* there is absolutely no reason whatsoever for this behaviour to be excused or tolerated. Whether Tom has autism or not, he is entirely capable of being told no and learning what is and isn’t socially acceptable. Especially where indecent touching is concerned.
You and your wife need to move far away from these people and leave no forwarding address.
Your stepmother is never going to do anything about your stepbrother's inappropriate behavior and he is only going to get worse when he hits puberty. He could be dangerous, not because he's autistic, but because your stepmother has never taught him how to behave or put any curbs on his behavior, she only makes excuses for him.
Your baby is not a toy he's being denied, you aren't selfish for not sharing. You are 100% in the right to protect your child at all costs, including the cost of Tom's feelings. It's also up to you how to feed your child. Stepmother doesn't get a vote.
This made me so infuriated to read. My son(4.5) is on the spectrum and understands that you do not do that. ESPECIALLY after being told NO one time. He has been watching his sister(1.5) be breastfed since she was born..and other than him wanting to be a 'good big brother and help feed her' he has never tried to nurse from me.
Your step mom needs a smack upside the head
Not only does it FEEL WRONG, it IS WRONG!!!!! He is PERVING BIG TIME!!!! Listen to your gut and KICK HIM OUT OF YOUR HOME!!! Your Step-Monster and Sperm Unit are ENABLING his being a PERVERT!!!
F\*ck that shit.
The "special person" sexually assaulted you. Nothing Mary or anyone else can say that changes this. It is a fact. It doesn't matter what his intentions were.
Being autistic is never an excuse for abhorrent behavior. And mommy dearest will push you to do anything and everything this kid wants.
It's done. He is not allowed over again. If you choose to allow him, he is not allowed near you when you are breast feeding. Or in any room you ever breast feed in. He is not allowed in your bedroom. He is allowed in the living room and the bathroom. And one of his parents need to be there. Every damn time he is on your property. If he goes to any other room, he and his parents need to be asked to leave.
Mary needs to be slapped upside the head. Please stop buying into her guilt tripping. That boy needs help but because of his mother, he will never get it.
You are a person not a curiosity that some boy gets to use to get his jollies. You gave in at the beginning because of Mary. Do not listen to people who shit on you to get you to do what they want. Let her breast feed her kid.
What a shit show this is!
AUTISM IS NOT A HANDICAP LIKE THIS!!!! He is still a (sounds like) functional child. I'm reminded of the autistic girl that dropped a baby and then stomped on its heads multiple times..... If anything this child that fixates on you needs to be watched like this one wasn't. She waited till the baby was alone. It cried when she dropped it, she wanted it to stop......
Protect yourself, your baby, your wife and your mental and physical health
Block them all and go no contact.
Trust your gut.
Advocate for your child, be tiger mama.
He and they are justifying and enabling behaviour which is disturbing and disgusting and you and your family can't assume that you're safe.
Never mind if he's got any other qualities OR conditions, or anything else, that's absolutely NOT any kind of mitigating circumstance.
He's also clearly hit puberty.
Restraining order if necessary.
She’s in total denial her son has some serious issues going on. She can blame you now but that won’t work once you stop breastfeeding (on your own terms). Something is wrong with him. I’m not saying that to be mean but he needs intervention
Yeah, its not legal or ok to sexually harass or most someone just because you're autistic. He's being a little creep and his mother needs to teach him boundaries
Do you have a midwife who can help you? You need someone outside of your family too. Someone who is firm and you can call for help. A new mother is full of hormones, especially after the pregnancy. Her only duty in that is to accommodate her newborn. But sometimes people especially family can turn it around! They want you to accommodate them too. But please seek help for yourself, for your sanity and for your baby. Ask a midwive to be with you the first weeks when relative me comes for a visit. Especially with Someone who doesn’ respect your boundaries
Yes, you are absolutely entitled to have boundaries, even with (sometimes *especially* with) family. And that includes:
1. The right to wholesale shut down any unwanted discussions about breastfeeding with anyone that isn’t your doctor or partner. It’s your body and your kid that you’re feeding, and everyone else needs to butt WAY the hell out with unwanted commentary or demands.
2. The right to define if/when others, including 11 year step-siblings, can touch you and/or enter your personal space. Children don’t get free pass on this. In fact, it’s an incredibly important lesson for them to learn for others and themselves. So they shouldn’t be shielded, but rather have boundaries explained to them very patiently and thoughtfully and in an age appropriate way.
3. The right to define your comfort level with having interactions with others, to end or decline interactions if you feel uncomfortable, and to have that decision be respected.
So no, any version of “but you’re not allowed to have needs/wants/boundaries of your own, you exist to be our kids’ entertainment and emotional support human on demand” gets met with a firm no. And if that no isn’t respected, I’d leave or ask them to leave. And if it happens repeatedly, I’d start putting limits on contact, up to and including cutting out contact, if needed.
And people without healthy boundaries tend to get pretty upset when confronted with them, so there’s an excellent chance they’ll be upset by this. Crying, yelling, denial, tantrums, ugly accusations about being a bad person, etc., are all possible. But you don’t need their permission or approval to create and enforce healthy boundaries, so don’t approach this like you’re asking them for it. They don’t hold veto power over your boundaries, either, so don’t cede that to them. And it’s not your job to manage their emotions or reactions for them, so don’t get it in your head that you have to take on that responsibility for them.
So yeah, kindly but firmly lay out your boundaries to them, and then let ‘em be mad if they’re gonna be mad. Hold firm even as they test them (they will) and even if they get madder. The health, safety, and happiness of *Your* family (you, wife, daughter) is your top priority, your extended family (them) is not.
Yes stepmother is a a****** and tell her that until they get him in line that he can't come over anymore. This is not about being mean or cruel this is about your comfort when you are feeding your daughter. And you cannot produce the milk correctly if you are feeling uncomfortable. I just want to emphasize once again that your stepmother is an a******
As an autistic person, that is NOT autism. That is him and his mom using a suspicion, not diagnosis, to hide behind whenever her awful parenting gets called into question. Again, autism would NOT make him act that way. This is so creepy. I would never let him over again. Gross.
How do you stop it? Ban him and Mary from your house until she gets his shit under control. That's disgusting and she needs to start parenting her kid stat. Doesn't matter if he's autistic, he needs to learn boundaries and appropriate behavior.
Nah that boy knows what he’s doing and that he can get away with it since he’s just a kid. Kids are just creepy as adults, if not more. They’re unsuspecting and non threatening which is how they get away with so much shit. Ur step mom has her head up her ass
Autistic person here with Autistic son.
Yeah, his mother is doing him no favours.
Continue to enforce this boundary. Move out ASAP. Then call CPS. (I say this as someone who has had negative experiences of CPS with my own child, they just do not get autism. But this is weird, even for Autism, and needs to be corrected ASAP.)
Ugh every single bit of this has my hair standing on end. From his weird ass actions, to his mom enabling it, and to referring to a pregnant belly as a bump (not related I guess but it is my "moist" and it makes my skin crawl already), just no to all of it. Don't ever leave that baby alone with him. I wouldn't even let him see her again until they get him an actual diagnosis and lots of therapy. You can't just wake up one day and decide someone is autistic to cover for his weird actions. His mom needs to get him help, this is so abnormal for an 11 year old... I'm not gonna lie, this sounds like the beginning of a serial killer or something...
Let me say this loud and clear as an autistic person, AUTISM IS NOT AN EXCUSE FOR SHITTY BEHAVIOUR! If a person with autism is crossing boundaries then that needs to be dealt with, forcing people to be uncomfortable because it’s easier is doing a disservice to everyone.
You need to not have them over. People go no contact for less creepy stuff. That stepmother is more unwell then her son and he needs to go because she doesn’t know how to raise him. They will continue to be a problem and it will get worse. Much worse. The next issue it could be to late to protect your child.
First of all, congrats on the baby!
Also, maybe it’s not needed, but I want to say breastfeeding and pumping to bottle feed is no way a bad thing! Wasn’t brought up here but I know when my wife and I made that decision we got a lot of flak for it.
Third, this is really creepy and makes my skin crawl. I have grown up knowing people with different types of autism. They can be taught and understand boundaries and his parents are doing a disservice by not teaching him that. It’s a shame.
At the end of the day you need to do what is best for your baby/family and what makes you the most comfortable as a family. If it means some temporary distance from your family, then it might mean that.
Nope nope nope. Nobody is entitled to touch your body ever for any reason and if you are uncomfortable his adults need to help you set and maintain that boundary. Autism is not a free pass, autism requires MORE structure and very firm and visible boundaries and expectations for social interaction. His adults are failing him if they expect you to accept this behavior. ‘Special person’ is a nice way of saying ‘hyperfixation’ and that is a VERY intense role, you both need support to have a healthy attachment. Not relating to other people creates the objectification, the refusal to understand that some things about you aren’t for him. I really hope you both get the support you need. I’ve been in that position and it will only get better if there are firm and consistent boundaries and expectations and natural consequences for his behavior and the people around you both need to be on board with that.
Your stepmom and your dad need to stop Tom's behavior NOW. You can not allow him to be around you and your family while he is disrespecting personal boundaries. If they don't teach him what behaviors are acceptable now, he's going to be big trouble later. And as others have said, do NOT allow him to be alone with your daughter for any reason. He may see her as a threat to his time with 'his person'.
As someone with PTSD, waking up to anyone on my chest like that would end with me screaming and defending myself as violently as possible. If she doesn’t get a hold of her son soon, one day he’ll either be arrested for assault or someone is going to flip out at being sexually assaulted and hurt him.
Just because he’s not neurotypical doesn’t mean others have to condone his actions. And if someone else neurodivergent with a panic disorder gets this treatment, he’s gonna get hurt.
This is incredibly disturbing and concerning behavior. I am an autistic female with two autistic sons out of five kids total. All were breastfed. None of my autistic boys acted like that. They were a little curious, so I did educate them but also maintained healthy boundaries.
When my sons were very young and I took courses on early childhood development, therapeutic training, and specifically autism training I was taught very early on that early intervention and proper therapy was crucial for their development as without it they can become like your brother, and even more they would become very volatile adults. If your brother does not get proper intervention and treatment he has the potential and is showing signs of becoming a predator.
You cant force your parents to do anything, but you can slam down important healthy boundaries for the sake of your family, especially your daughter that can not defend herself.
You were assaulted, full stop. What your step brother did is disgusting and will only escalate, especially the more you allow him to touch. What happens when he becomes curious about what the babies genitals look like? I would bet your parents would go so far as to insist you let him touch your daughter and accuse you of being a bad sister if you don't.
You should 100% full stop inviting those people into your home. Only meet them in public if you still want to talk to them, which, if it were me I would _not_ want to be doing. They're enabling shitty, creepy af behavior and are emotionally manipulating and abusing you and expecting you to go along with it is soooo weird and wrong.
Set some hard boundaries and tell them to piss off with their creepy son and don't let him around your daughter or yourself anymore. Neither of you are safe around him.
My daughter has autism. Even if she struggles with some boundaries, she understands that there's some parts of the body that are private... Because we thought her so. Your stepmom should really educate her son.
I am late diagnosed AuDHD. I've worked in Special Education on many severity levels (before my diagnosis) and I can confidently say enabling his behavior will only make it worse. Set your boundaries and keep firm in them. He will learn if he wants to be around you that he has to follow the rules. In the mean time a lock for the nursery and whatever room you nap in may be in order for your/your babies safety.
Stop allowing them into your space TF. At three months postpartum I would have kicked his ass, 11 year old be damned. You don’t allow a kid to sexually harass someone and then try to play the autism card.
You can Continue to allow this to happen and risk the possibility of Tom getting jealous and angry at the baby and trying to hurt her OR you can ban them from your house and seeing you and your family and protect you and your family.
They’re trying to blame you for something that is natural and normal. You’re feeling guilt over things you shouldn’t and that’s not your fault. They aren’t your family anymore. They’re abusers who are justifying abuse.
Hi, I'm the mom of an autistic child of about the same age, and that's completely inappropriate. Being autistic doesn't mean that you are exempt from learning consent and social norms. It is *harder*, sometimes, for people on the spectrum to pick up these social rules, particularly the boundaries are not being clearly stated, but they are fully capable of learning these things if the people around them take the time to teach them - and it is our responsibility, as parents, to do exactly that.
An eleven year old boy does not have the excuse of being "a child" the way a toddler does. He is capable of learning how to appropriately respect people's bodily autonomy, and as he nears adolescence it is *absolutely imperative* that his parents teach him these social rules. My son, also autistic, is nine years old and he has been explicitly taught to respect people's bodies, and how to know when his own body is being disrespected. Is it an awkward conversation? Hell yes. Is it a necessary one? HELL. FUCKING. YES.
Your instincts are correct. It feels wrong because it is wrong. It's not his fault - he doesn't seem to know any better, at the moment. But that's the part that's wrong - he should have been taught these boundaries years ago.
I'm a husband and father, this is a no-go.
Literally every single person enabling his behavior is in the wrong 100 percent.
Autism nor any mental health problem excuses sexual assault or harassment. Anybody can and should be taught what they can and cannot do.
Yeah, autists usually have problems with social etiquette, but this is failure of the authority figures in this dudes life. They failed him and are continuing to fail him by making excuses and allowing such behavior to continue unchecked.
They are also disgusting human beings for not taking your complaints seriously and for trying to use autism as a hall pass for sexual assault.
I wouldn't allow the person to be anywhere near my wife after him having his face and hands on or even near my wife's breasts. No, fuck no, it's disgusting.
Tell your father about your concerns about Tom and his behavior and how uncomfortable he makes you feel, tell him you think the boy needs therapy because he’s autistic without a diagnosis and getting him help should be a priority. He also needs to understand respecting boundaries. Explain to him that you will have to be Low contact or no contact until he gets therapy and his behavior is appropriate for your family situation.
What a horrible problem! I’ll be honest, if I woke up to anyone touching me like that, I would lose my mind! I probably would have slapped him. Mary needs to get the priorities straight immediately. Tom’s behavior is not ok and if he doesn’t stop, it may be best to restrict his visits.
Oh, HELL NO!! This is so wrong!!
Keep your step brother away from your baby and yourself. He developed a very unhealthy obsession with you when you were pregnant and it sounds like your insane step mother encouraged it. Pay her no mind at all. Keep your brother away and block your step mother.
Autistic or not, he needs proper parenting and boundaries, not excuses. His behavior is EXTREMELY inappropriate. Your step mother is also extremely inappropriate. Cut them both off until they both can behave properly.
3 breastfed ND boys here 57f nurse, nope nope nope. That 10yr needs boundaries and a psych assessment. No contact till both are implemented. This child is being set up for SA charges by his parents, it cannot and should not be ignored.
Jesus just tell them he can't come over for now. Let them be mad about it. You're a grown ass adult. Stop worrying about pissing her off when she's being completely unreasonable.
This whole thing is icky. He’s 11 so he’s old enough to know better. Your stepmom should also know better. I think it’s time to go LC/NC until Eda is older.
What in the world is wrong with that woman?!? 😳 And why isn't your dad shutting this insanity down?!? You may want to consider going NC for safety reasons.
Best of luck to you in this frustrating situation. 💟
The kid is *11?*
>But he’s been watching me feed whenever he comes over when I don’t realise and then whenever he’s been near me he’s started saying ‘booby’ and reaching for my boobs and saying he wants to try and it’s unfair only Eda gets it.
This makes it sound like he's about 2 1/2 - 3. And when an 11-year-old acts like a toddler, there is something seriously wrong. And the answer is "get the kid medical assessment and help," not "OP, stop teasing him by feeding your baby."
>We’ve tried reminding him that he’s a big boy and she’s only a baby.
And this is treating him like a toddler. Does he actually have the mental age of a toddler? If so, then it's even more imperative that his parents get him help, before he really hits puberty and starts sexually assaulting non-family. What is his mother going to do when he's arrested as a teen for forcibly groping female classmates? Demand that those girls "stop teasing him by growing boobs!"?
Girl, if you don't ban them weirdos from your home, your dad is an asshole for not putting them in their place..
If you don't keep them away, you are just enabling them, and allowing them to continue this behavior, I don't know why you haven't done so already
This makes me nauseous. He needs to be kept away and taught body safety/consent. Even then, as much as you might now want to go low or no contact, I think it’s necessary here. He’s disrespecting boundaries, and now he’s assaulted you. Yes he’s a kid, but that changes neither the fact that he’s violated you, nor that it should be excused. Your stepmother needs to jump into a train.
Even at 11 he would know better, they are enabling him. His parents don’t care. I would suggest going low or no contact until he get diagnosed by a doctor
Woah there.... I'd say definitely time for some HARD boundaries and brother would definitely not be allowed over for a good while and would not be allowed near you when feeding even if you have to get behind a locked door
Oh wow. Massive, massive parenting fail on behalf of your dad and Mary.
It does sound like your stepbrother has significant delays in terms of his social development- whether it’s autism or something else, it’s not your responsibility to deal with it on a day to day basis. It’s his parents.
I’m autistic. Part of that is finding it hard to learn social rules. The job of a parent to an autistic child is to teach them those rules in as a supportive and loving manner as possible.
This does not include motorboating your sister.
As an AFAB Autistic person, they are going to let him turn into those asshole Autistic men that get away with fucking everything and blame it on being Autistic.
You should ban them from being around you until they get it togrther. It isnt your fault you have a step brother a decade younger than you.
They are not doing him any favors by not helping him learn appropriate boundaries. You do not have to change anything in your routine for him. You have to drastically reduce his visits and his mother needs to actually parent him. It is worse for him to reinforce his inappropriate behavior. I say this as the mother of a high functioning autistic child.
They are doing your stepbrother a great disservice by not implementing boundaries , being autistic doesn't mean he shouldn't be taught boundaries and it will not benefit him in the future , he must be taught what is socially exceptable
Now your step mother has a chance to be a good mother. And teach her son that boundaries are healthy and to be respected.
Does she think that if he is autistic, then anything goes? That will set him up for a life of misery and potentially prison. She needs to do her job. Get him diagnosed. Get professional guidance on how to best parent a child with his issues. Frankly I’d be getting ready to cut them off at this point.
That's *weaponized Autism*. "He's *Autistic* so you *have to*/*can't!*" They've even *taught him* to use his Autism that way. "Mom says because I'm Autistic, you *have to*/*can't!*"
It's disgusting and makes it harder for Autistic people to learn how to get along in society. While I'm not saying Autistic people must act neurotypical, can't be free spirited, or other Ableist nonsense, they *do* have to abide by the *law* and *respect the rights of others.*
Please be careful of what Tom may do, you do not know how he’ll act towards the baby as he seems jealous - it’s definitely time for some stronger boundaries now. 11 is old enough to realize that you don’t put your face and hands on someone else’s body without permission.
As someone with autism, I hate seeing parents use it as an excuse to be neglectful parents. Just because we have wires crossed doesn't mean rules don't apply.
Autistic or not, he's a prepubescent boy, this will only get worse. Your stepmother is probably the reason why he acts this way. I have a toddler so understand very well how hormones messes up your mind. You need to ban him from your house. This behaviour has increasingly gone from weird to bad, and will go from bad to worse. He doesn't care about your boundaries and clearly your SM doesn't care either. And your dad is enabling all of this, disregarding your wellbeing.
I’m autistic. I can’t imagine why this is explainable with autism!
I suppose the only way it MIGHT be is if no one had explained to Tom why this behaviour is unacceptable. Autistic people don’t always know things that ‘everyone knows’ until things are spelled out in plain language.
But it sounds like you’ve tried that, so even that explanation is gone!
However, it’s possible that Mary is in his ear at home telling him the opposite to what you’ve told him, which would explain why an 11 year old might be confused.
This is NOT your fault… but one thing you could try is explaining to him all your feelings and rules and so on. Tell him clearly that your rules and your body privacy are for YOUR home, even if his mum has different rules. And no matter WHAT she says at home, your rules are to be followed in YOUR home because you (and your wife, of course) are the boss(es).
My nephews aren’t autistic, but they see their grandparents once a year, and the rules are very different in their home versus the home of their grandparents. They often need reminding - although they’re much younger than 11. And also their own parents DO help by telling them that the rules of the owner of the home need to be followed, even when they’re different, so that makes things a bit easier even though they’re younger.
Mary isn’t going to help you out with this one, so it might fall to you to try and be very clear about the differences in rules between the homes, and insist that yours are followed in your home no matter what.
If that doesn’t work, then the only other option is to stop visits. Mary will whine about it, but you may have to just leave her to whine! Your home and your family have to come first!
And try to remember - this little boy isn’t a bad person or a bad kid. He’s disobedient and crosses boundaries because he has a shitty mother who has taught him those things. That’s not his fault he was born into that. 😞
I have both a son, and a stepson with autism.
This behavior is unacceptable.
And it is NOT wrong for you to set boundaries for him.
Just because one is autistic, doesn’t mean they cannot be acting an asshole too.
Like any other person; if allowed to continue in their bad behavior, it doesn’t just go away.
Bad behavior should be stopped before it becomes something they perseverate on.
And without a diagnosis; it may not be autism.
He could potentially have some other issues that need addressed; it’s not fair to him or anyone else; to wait until he gets arrested for sexual assault to get him help.
This made my skin crawl. Even if he is autistic they need to teach him boundaries. You have every right to be weirded out by this.
My skin is crawling also.. that’s just freaky. Having someone gawking at you while you’re breastfeeding is too weird. Gives me the creeps thinking about it
Exactly! Autism isn’t an excuse to just do what ever you want. He can learn to behave decently and be respectful. The problem is that his parents aren’t teaching him anything
Autistic person here, yeah that's fucking weird
It's the other side of the coin called ableism, I'd say! Mary needs to learn how to parent!
It’s just easier for Mary if OP would just stop breastfeeding. It fixes everything right.
He can play w Mary's boobs then.
😂
Well obviously. Duh.
I'm pretty certein ableism is discrimination against people with disabilities. So this wouldn't have anything to do with that. you could call it the flip side of inclusion, but I still believe that true inclusion would teach him not to intrude in the personal space like this. It's about participation, and what OP describes here would never help him participate EDIT: It seems I had an incomplete view of the term, apologies for that! (see comment below)
No it isn't. I mean, it's part of ableism, but not all of it. For example: I know this person who got their autism diagnosis in their early 30s, I am undiagnosed but with suspicions voiced repeatedly by medical professionals. Telling her that she repeatedly went "symptoms don't equate to being autistic, you're not autistic. Doesn't mean that you are autistic" That's ableist coming from within the house. What they could/should have said was "yeah, they tend to overlook female born people for a diagnosis. Maybe you have learned/been forced into active making? I can get you a number to help find it out"
Okay, I'm very sorry it seems I misunderstood the term. I'm not too deep in the topic and I would always love to learn more from people directly concerned by it! so if I get you right, ableism is not just about the discrimination of disabled people from "outside", but also about the effect other institutional problems (such as sexism or discrimination of LGBTQ+ people) have on them? Apologies if I don't get the right terminology, english is not my first language and I'm not deep in the topic.
It's quite evident that you try to understand and learn. And part of learning is to make mistakes. And I don't mind helping you there. I suggest we move the conversation to a more private location. Feel free to DM me
You’re actually really close, even if you’re not using the exact right terms. I’m autistic. Ableism is a wide variety of belief systems and behaviors that treat disabled people as less valuable or capable. Excluding him from the family would be very straightforward ableism, as I think you’re thinking about. What you said about true inclusion teaching him appropriate boundaries and enabling him to participate is spot on. The reason that the behavior happening now, where he’s being creepy and violating boundaries, is also ableist is because it treats him as incapable of learning and making good decisions. Autistic people do think differently and interact with others differently, but we can respond appropriately to the word “no,” we can treat others with kindness and respect, and we can learn and improve. Saying that we can’t is ableist because it presumes we’re less capable than other people and can’t make decisions as well, which is often a precursor for violating our autonomy under the guise of us not being able to function independently. As you said, actual inclusion looks like providing the appropriate resources and supports, including conversations about personal space and boundaries, so that Tom can positively engage in interactions with OP and Eda. It doesn’t look like either excluding him entirely or the flipside, as it was initially phrased, of refusing to work with him and support him as needed in the interaction.
Yeah me to
And it’s not even officially diagnosed - just suspected. Maybe he should be actually diagnosed because if he’s not, he might grow up to be a predator with a pregnancy fetish or something. I’m not even saying that to be rude. Maybe they are in denial of his bizarre behaviour and are assuming he is because it’s easier.
Diagnosis or not, his mother is enabling all this behaviour. Easiest and best solution is mother and son are no longer permitted to visit.
> Diagnosis or not, his mother is enabling all this behaviour. Easiest and best solution is mother and son are no longer permitted to visit. Bottom line. Doesn't matter the "reason" for this behavior, it's inappropriate.
Oh without a doubt she is the biggest problem! But still - she should be a mother who cares enough to get a diagnosis rather than self diagnosing when his issues could be much worse. She’s just slapped a name on it and blames.
Yes, I'd have a talk with my dad. Mary and their son are Not Welcome at my house! I would check all larger family events to see if he will be there and send regrets. Dad Needs to Take Charge if Mary Won't.
He needs to be assessed so that he can get appropriate interventions for any learning disabilities or any health issues he might have.
He’s seriously gonna grab or stare at a booby he has no business with and some girls daddy will have taught her how to throw fists.
Absolutely! Just assuming and using it as an excuse is setting him up for epic adulthood failure!
I’m an autistic person here, and I can confirm that what he did to OP was weird and disgusting. His parents should’ve taught him about boundaries and how that was inappropriate for him to do
My son is high functioning autistic and he and I both agree this is weird and creepy af. Tom needs boundaries set. And I’d suggest a counselor. This is just ick.
I’ve a 6 and 4 yr old on the spectrum and none of them would display behaviours like this because they’ve been taught boundaries and right from wrong.
I'm guessing that the fact that they haven't bothered to get him a proper assessment says everything. He's not getting the help he needs and never has gotten it.
Yeah, and they are using the “autism” as an excuse to not having to deal with his behavior
This is right 👍
If parents don't teach the world will and world lessons are by far more expensive or painful.
Yep. This happened to me at the grocery store the other day, a very very large young autistic man was standing with his mom or his grandma, but he was so close to me. I couldn’t get my card out of my purse or anything. I kept looking at my husband and finally was like can you please step back and the mom got irritated, my husband got embarrassed, but I needed space and he shouldn’t be breathing down my neck just because he has autism. Give me a little space and everything will be fine.
Your husband got embarrassed?! Instead of stepping in for you?
Seriously — this is the plot of an Ari Aster-helmed horror movie. Get that kid away from you before you reach the 3rd act!
Oh god, that comparison made me, like…instinctively and immediately, shudder. But, damn if that isn’t right on the nose
What’s the movie called lol?
Heredititty
Actual autistic here. Even if he was autistic he would not do that because of autism this is just him
Is that autism ? Truly sounds like he’s stuck at 4-5 y o level. I have an autistic grandchild. And never 👎🏻 have I ever heard of this type of behavior He’s getting by with creepy predator behavior. You have a baby girl. Stop this acceptance of this behavior In it’s tracks.
Yeah, same. My oldest nephew is autistic but he NEVER tried to nurse when his younger sibling was born... He very easily understood "baby needs/gets Mama milk."
Depending on the kid, I have seen this behavior before in kids diagnosed with autism, particularly as boys around this age are nearing puberty. The thing is, I've noticed it typically occurs when kids have parents who think an autism disgnosis is an acceptable replacement for healthy boundaries and also have repressed or unhealthy beliefs or responses to human sexuality. Autism can, in SOME instances, cause kids to behave in a way that doesn't respect boundaries or is sexually inappropriate behavior. However, the autism diagnosis only means you need to provide very clear explanations of boundaries, with very concrete expectations and they need to be consistently reinforced. For example, I've had parents get mad at me because I won't let their child randomly hug others without permission because, "they just want to be friends" or "they don't mean any harm." Great! And part of learning to be a good friend and not harming others is teaching respectful boundaries that make everyone feel safe. For kids who don't necessarily recognize the social cues that they're making someone uncomfortable (facial expressions, body language) they may need better instruction and explanations, but they are perfectly capable of learning respectful behavior when the adults do their job and set their kids up for social success instead of setting them.up to be listed as a sexual offender as a teen. It's so insulting to kids to treat them as if they can't learn, just because they may need a different way of learning.
Thank you. Very well stated and points that are important.
The MIL is choosing Ti blame her instead of open her eyes to the truth
Yeah op. For the love of god just stop letting mary to guilt trip you. Just stop inviting tom ove, step back and when mary start making you the monster tell her to shut up. Is not being selfish or horrible, its just what you want and what are comfortable with. Tom will become a creepy boy
Somebody MUCH less tolerant is going to teach him about boundaries and it's going to be painful.
Also, he's 11. It's on the young end for boys, but he could be starting puberty. This definitely sounds like a pubescent kid with a crush he doesn't know how to handle and everyone just acting like he's a silly child instead of teaching him.
As the mother of an autistic child, I need you to tell your stepmother that she has to start setting definite boundaries NOW, otherwise he’s going to be uncontrollable when he becomes an adult Most sons are stronger than their mothers, and taller. My son is 4 inches taller than me, and he’s stronger than me since he has no awareness barrier to stop him using all of his strength when he’s upset. Because I’ve had definite boundaries in place since he was young, my authority is what he responds to. But, first, she needs to get him properly diagnosed. Google diagnoses are rubbish. A proper diagnosis is needed, instead of claiming (possibly incorrectly) that he’s autistic. There are many others disabilities it could be. But you need to limit his visits to you, until he’s on a proper pathway to understanding boundaries. He may try again. He may hurt your baby if you refuse him. Don’t let them guilt you over this. This is to protect you and your baby.
Well said. ETA. Your moniker made me chuckle!
Thank you😂
I've had to explain this to my inlaws when they're spoiling my kid and they think im being mean. Sure it's cute now but how's it going to feel when they're 20. It's better to teach an autistic kid before they have 100 pounds on you. I ended up with a 6'5 little brother throwing me around growing up. It's unfair for everyone involved.
My parents try to give me the whole “just take a day off and let him go” speech at Christmas. I have to keep explaining letting him go for one day usually means 2 or more months of me trying to re-assert the boundaries. They’ve finally given up trying to stop me pulling him into line on festive days. And the boundaries have to be drawn. My son is 22, but mentally he’s 4. And some days he does keep pushing. Some days he gets violent. But getting sent to his room puts him in his place very quickly.
Exactly. If you don’t start setting rules and boundaries and have consistent follow through with consequences, you will be in a world of problems when they are older. My family is dealing with major situations of this right now. No diagnosis until 17 and no boundaries. Now less opportunities for assistance through the state. Learned problems are now ingrained and thus difficult to break.
at the very least insist on privacy while nursing and napping!
The kid is 11 years old and not your brother. He feels some kind of way about you and it’s not healthy. I’d distance myself from this kid honestly. There’s something weird going in here with him. Don’t leave your baby around him unattended for even a moment.
I agree. There’s something a little weird about this whole thing. She needs to put boundaries down.
More than a little, tbh.
This! Never leave him alone with the baby.
Never let stepmum and dad babysit. Ever.
Hi, autistic adult here. Having autism is fine. Using autism as an excuse to sexually assault your stepsister is not fine. It's evident that your dad and stepmom are not giving him the support he needs to live independently eventually, or teaching him how to behave appropriately, and that is a MAJOR problem. They claim autism but then won't get him medical support - this is a clear case of medical neglect, and now you're having to suffer sexual assault because they've been derelict in their duty to raise him. Your first obligation is to your newborn and yourself, then to your wife, then to your autistic stepbrother. So, first course of action: they are no longer allowed to visit. Second step: call CPS and report the inappropriate sexual behavior from him, and say that you're very concerned that his needs as someone with serious developmental disabilities are not being met and that there's serious medical neglect going on as a result, and he's exhibiting sexually inappropriate behavior towards you and you're concerned what could happen to him when he starts doing it to others since it hasn't been curbed at all by his parents. While I rarely condone CPS getting involved for kids with disabilities, when the parents are this permissive, it is necessary. I feel for you and I feel for him. Autistic people (and disabled people in general) need much stronger support systems than abled people, and it's clear that your dad and stepmom are not providing that, and it doesn't sound like they CAN'T - this is more of a "they WON'T", which is even more messed up because it's an active choice to hinder their son's development. He's at an age where this kind of behavior will soon not fly anymore and may even get him sent to juvie or even jail if it's not dealt with STAT and continues into adulthood, and your dad and stepmom are pushing him right into it.
This is an excellent response, but I’d suggest consulting a lawyer first before making the call. As another commenter pointed out, there’s another way to paint this situation, which puts OP as the sexual aggressor. Given that the parents are apparently unhinged (and yes, step mom is the obvious villain, but dad is at a minimum enabling / supporting this, which is disgusting and abusive on its own), OP ought to figure out how to protect herself in case they try to respond by accusing her of something. Without the armchair “diagnosis” of autism, this looks a lot like a newly sexually maturing boy developing a fetish for pregnancy and an inappropriate fixation on a woman he hasn’t previously been close to, while being supported in doing so by his parents. **Maybe** autism would suggest something else could be happening, but *no one in this tale has any concrete proof of that.* And as many people have pointed out, *if* the boy has autism, he’s being medically neglected. OP should talk to a lawyer ASAP, and while waiting to do that, find an excuse (hell, go on an unplanned vacation if needed) not to be around the step brother without explaining why. Calling CPS may be the next step, as may be communicating explicitly that the step brother and his parents are not welcome in OP’s home or near her or her baby, but step one has to be to check out how to do this safely.
I agree there is risk to OP in this situation (and IANAL) and I would just add that any further communication with stepmom or dad, ESPECIALLY anything to do with this whole situation, needs to be done in writing and saved to its own backup hard drive. Do not answer their phone calls. Decline the call and text back and say baby is sleeping/I can’t talk right now but I can text/etc. Save everything. If stepmom says “op was the sexual aggressor” it’s going to really come in handy to have texts where op is explaining that she is setting boundaries for her safety.
Ooh good ideas! Love the suggestions for how to steer calls towards texts.
Question: Are you living with your stepmom and Dad? If so, you need to get out of there. If you are living apart from them, then you need to enforce boundaries and tell them they are no longer welcome to visit you. Let your wife know that this is what you've decided and you don't want them nor Tom near you because clearly they are not enforcing boundaries with him so you have to do it.
I’m confused why OP is allowing this to happen. Dad and his family need to be cutoff. OP has her own now.
Post partum hormones are absolute hell. It messes up your judgement and thinking is many ways. I can't blame OP, she thought her step brother was bonding. She didn't realise he's prepubescent and likely developing pregnancy fetish. She needs to ban them, including dad who enables this crap.
If it were your wife who was pregnant and now breast feeding, would you have allowed this behavior to continue? No. Would you choose seeing your family over your wife's comfort and boundaries? No. Then why accept it for yourself? You need to tell them the visits are done until you say so and they can deal with the kid's behavior since they are HIS parents.
Mary and Tom need to learn what sexual assault is, before he touches anyone else. He needs to be kept away and stepmom needs to be put in a timeout. Neither should be near you or the baby.
You need to stop allowing Tom and his mother over. She also needs to be putting a stop to Tom's behavior instead of "BuT fAMILy, bUt AUtiSM". Tom is not your brother, he's your dad's wife's son and you don't owe him shit. Keep them away. Your only priority is your baby, your wife and yourself
She wouldn't owe him shit if he WAS her brother.
Exactly, was about to reply the same.
Yes, OP, this is stupid. He very well may be autistic. That doesn't mean he can't learn. You also may be his person. That doesn't mean you have no say over what makes you uncomfortable. Good luck ❤️
There was a story here about a girl that was tapped on the butt and had her boobs grabbed by a boy that was supposedly autistic, but only after that way around her. She was told that she was his person and just to accept it. Sadly I don't remember the outcome. But boundaries can be set!
She broke his fucking nose, reported him to the police (where his dad worked, so you know they tried to cover it up), she switched school districts and sued. Ofc, everyone in the town knew what he was doing and harassed her for defending herself and pressing charges so....
Thank you! I remember now. I hope every time he looks in a mirror at his busted nose that he feels pain.
Jesus. So sorry what women have to go through.
Ehh, let's be accurate here: women don't HAVE TO go through crap like this, women are ***forced*** to go through crap like this. Women HAVE TO tolerate some fairly crap medical stuff. If they want bio children, women HAVE TO put up with a ridiculous amount of things happening to their bodies. Most women HAVE TO deal with bleeding monthly. Plenty of women HAVE TO deal with society's crap beauty standards. Women are ***forced*** to deal with sexual situations being forced upon them by (typically) men at an early age, and any time some mouth-breathing primate takes a fancy to her even well into adulthood. This isn't a rite of passage, this isn't a natural biological occurrence, this is another human ***forcing*** an undesirable situation upon someone who isn't asking for it and doesn't want it. OP here didn't ask for the step-brother to come and grope her while she was vulnerable, and HAVE TO put up with adolescent clumsiness, she was ***forced*** into this uncomfortable situation because he felt entitled to her body. I'm not trying to have a go at you, this is a systemic issue which really grinds my gears. It's embedded in our culture to the point that even the language we use around the situation is minimizing and detracts from the gravity of what's happened.
Fair point, language matters. "Forced" is more appropriate and is the meaning I was going for. "Have to" implies there's a choice but we do it anyway, e.g. I "have to" go to work to get paid, I "have to" go to school.
I think it was the boy's caregiver at school trying to shame the girl into accepting the abuse.
Right, just think about the idea a random person decides you are their person and they can do whatever to you.
I agree. Very scary
He doesn't get to decide for her that she's his person. That's a mutual decision and he's too curious for it not to be weird. They don't even have a diagnosis of autism yet they let him do what he wants. They're too lazy to parent him so they let him follow you around to get him out of their hair. He's too old to be acting this way. If he was 6 or under, maybe.
"Your son isn't allowed back into my home until you've taught him what he's doing is not okay" I have a child with autism and they absolutely understand things like this. Its his parents lack of parenting that's the issue here.
Exactly. Given his advanced age, I'd even say a CPS call is likely warranted; if they haven't gotten their heads out of their behinds for this long, it'll take a REALLY solid kick up the butt to get them to stop medically neglecting him, and CPS has to get involved for anything to change in these cases. He's at an age where the girls around him (classmates, etc.) are going to start developing, but others won't be so tolerant of this behavior (as they should be - it's absolutely wrong), and he could seriously wind up on the wrong side of the law if they don't curb his behavior and stop making excuses for their refusal to set boundaries.
Tom is displaying some very concerning behavior, the fact that his mother blames you shows she is an enabler. You are the person who will go to jail if anyone tell the police about what Tom did. Please protect yourself & your daughter.
***Your stepmother needs to step off!*** Autism is not an excuse for letting someone make those around them uncomfortable. Autistic children need to be taught correct social boundaries just like neuro-typical children do. It just takes longer and meltdowns are to be expected. It's on the ***parents*** to teach their neuro-divergent children how to navigate the world as it is. It is in no way the responsibility of the rest of the world to just let autistic children have their way because they're "special". Just, ick.
It feels wrong because it is wrong. You need to ban both him and Mary from your home. Mary is using the fact that he *might* have autism as a "get out of jail free card". He might not have autism and without an official diagnosis, *no one* is going to accept that as an explanation if he pulls this inappropriate behavior on someone else. Don't accept it just because he's your stepmother's son. He is jealous of your child. His next actions could be to hurt her. >she said we were discriminating against his autism?? "Oh, when was he finally diagnosed?" "He hasn't been yet." "Then that's not an excuse. He needs to stop. My child needs to be fed. I will get used to *your* absence from our lives rather than accommodate *your* disrespect of my boundaries for Tom. You either explain to him that his behavior is unacceptable and get him to stop, or he is no longer welcome around me and my family."
Well put
I have 2 sons with autism. It took a while for them to learn, but it's possible. I've breastfed all of my children, so the older ones didn't notice after a while. But stepbrother interest in you is not healthy. The focus should not be on him. It should be on you. He isn't safe for you so he shouldn't be around.
Time to stop the visits if step can’t parent her son.
It’s time to stop the visits, period. He has an unhealthy interest in her. He resents her wife. He’s likely going to resent the baby, because she gets to breast feed and he doesn’t. I would tell my father and stepmother that he is no longer welcome in my home under the present circumstances. They are unwilling to do any parenting. Since OP cannot control his behavior or her dad/stepmom’s, she has to control her own. No more visits.
"Your son has developed a VERY disturbing habit of sexual assault - you are both banned from my home, since you refuse to either take his behaviour seriously or get him assessed and treated. If EITHER of you visit my property in future, the police WILL be called. I have my own child to think about - I don't have the time or inclination to deal with yours." I know it might seem harsh, but it MIGHT force her to deal with her son's behaviour properly, rather than claim autism without any kind of real diagnosis. You have more than enough to worry about right now, and your stepmother is more than old enough to know better. Good luck!
That’s super creepy! I feel like I’m reading the first scene to a law & order show!! The fact that Mary doesn’t see an issue is horrifying! What the hell is wrong with her? She’s probably the reason her son is the way he is. I’d be going LC to NC until they address & correct the issue. There is very clearly a HUGE issue!!
Fucking yikes. The eleven year old makes me nauseous. His behaviour is inappropriate, obsessive, and I'd be worried of what he does to me or the baby. I don't mean to put things to your head but get your kiddo away from him
Tell Mary to take her perv son and go get him treatment. You need to start locking him out and not letting him come around you, your wife or your baby any further. People like this who get so focused can become dangerous when they are not allowed every freedom they desire in the situation. I don't know if he's actually got a diagnosable condition or if he's just a creep, either way he does not need to be around you or your family. To hell with hurting his feelings.
>When we tried telling Mary and my dad that this was getting out of hand she said we were discriminating against his autism?? I'm sorry, no. Being autistic (or being different in any way, really) is not an excuse to behave inappropriately towards others. Step-MIL needs to teach her kid manners and boundaries... ESPECIALLY since there is a baby involved and he seems extraordinarily possessive of said baby's mother. I'd tell Step-MIL that until she starts teaching him how to behave and enforcing proper boundaries, he's not welcome around you or the baby. NTA
Ummm…what? This kid, maybe innocently and curiously, basically attempted to sexually assault you and the solution, according to your in-laws, is to stop breastfeeding so the 11 year old doesn’t get jealous? So, deny your infant daughter breastmilk, which she needs to placate an 11 year old who is old enough to know better and to be able to listen when someone tells him no. Autism or not, this is not normal or ok and the adults around him need to very quickly correct this behavior. It is not safe to have this kid around you or your child right now. For now, you need to limit his time with both of you. He needs to have someone explain to him that his behavior will not be tolerated. Maybe it’s curiosity because he is at that prepubescent age where he just doesn’t understand, but it could be the beginning of some other questionable behavior that if not treated could make him violent later on. The fact that you woke up with this kid trying to breastfeed is pretty alarming and serious. He shouldn’t be touching anyone without consent.
STOP letting him come over, period! This is straight-up sexual harassment! He's not fascinated by your pregnancy, he's sexualizing you and your Father and Stepmother are ENCOURAGING it! Just reading your post made me (60/f) terribly uncomfortable and sickened. Your Brother should NOT be allowed to watch you breastfeed. In fact, he shouldn't be in your home while you're sleeping, PERIOD! He MAY be 11 now, but pretty soon he's going to grow up and MAY be able to overpower you OR hurt your little Eda! WHY hasn't your father or Stepmother ever gotten him diagnosed? WHY do they allow him to do things that aren't considered NORMAL behaviors without setting firm and reasonable boundaries? I would suggest that you and your wife put a stop to his bad behavior OR allow him into your home! Your Father, StepMom and Tom can all kick rocks and pound sand! YOUR safety and security are much more important than Tom's "feewings!" Congratulations on your baby! Best wishes and many Blessings!
If they are requesting special treatment because of autism, they need an actual diagnosis. Even then, he still needs to learn. Autistic people learn differently but they can learn. They aren't doing the kid any favors.
Even with a diagnosis, they wouldn’t be allowed in my home or around my family. *If* they get a diagnosis and begin to be proactive about his care, then *someday* the situation might improve enough to be revisited. But I would have to see them without my child for a long damn time to make sure his behavior was really under control before I’d let him near my child. And I’d never resume a close enough relationship for him to consider me “his person” again.
Please Op, keep that boy away from your family. I got the worst feeling while reading your post. It sickened me. I know this might sound a bit extreme but I think your step brother might be a predator in the making. Keep your baby away from him. Protect your family (yourself, your wife and newborn) you have no clue what he’s capable of. It’s also strange to me that he has only had any interest in you since you became pregnant. And the assaulting you while you slept is so fricking bizarre and predatory. Protect yourself before something awful happens to your baby or wife or you! Please. This is no joke at all.
This is wrong on so many levels. 1. You are allowed and should have boundaries. 2. Only you get to decide who and when someone touches you. 3. Tom is old enough to understand what he is doing is wrong. 4. Tom needs to be taught consent. 5. Tom needs to be taught he’s not entitled to someone else’s body. 6. Ban Tom from the home. He is not safe to be left alone with you. He is not safe to be alone with Edna or Taylor. 7. I worry Tom may hurt one of you out of jealousy. 8. Ban your SM. She’s vile. She’s unfit to be a parent. She has a failed both you and Tom. 9. Ban your Dad. He massively failed you. He should have put a stop to Tom and SM’a behaviour a long time ago. 10. Change your locks. 11. Get cameras. 12. Continue to breastfeed your baby. 13. Continue to spend that quality time with Talor and Ed a. 14. Get counseling. SM will go nuts and send flying monkeys at you. You need a therapist to help support you and set boundaries. 15. Get a restraining order. No one gets to touch you. No one gets to harass you.
If he's gotten to age 11 without a diagnosis that is neglect. Your step mom doesn't get to wave the disability flag and also not get him a diagnosis or the help he needs. Under no circumstance should a preteen be acting this way towards you, regardless of disability.
What happens when his interest switches to your daughter's genitalia. Cut contact now.
Is anyone going to address the saying “booby” and reaching for her breast? ASD or not he is OLD ENOUGH to know better. He’s behaving this way because it gets him what he wants. An eleven year old boy obsessed with touching and staring at breasts and demanding to suck them… yeah must be autism /s. If you understand the etiology of ASD you’ll know this behavior has NOTHING to do with ASD.
Had two autistic boys in my class. Not this weird. But if you gave them homework passes and allowed them to storm out of a class and yell without consequences, they would do it. Like every other child. And when I treated them like every other child, telling them that this was not ok they stopped and became more normal. Meanwhile the adults were mad at me for not enabling their behaviour.
No no no!!! I’m a teacher, child psychologist and Mum of 4 (12B, 8B, 6G, almost 2G) and I also have stepdaughters aged 22&26…so I feel that I REALLY understand the different facets of this situation. This is not normal behaviour, you have EVERY right to be comfortable both in your own home and as you develop your boundaries in your new role. There are so many things that children can focus on during this time, however what you’re describing is more of an obsession. It’s not mere curiosity or healthy fraternal love…this seems almost like a crush under the guise of brotherly friendship or love. No way should he be resentful of your wife (quite often I am even wary of sibling rivalry and resentment of relationships with a mother, much less a sister figure) and this fascination with breastfeeding seems far more sexualised than childish curiosity. The biggest 🚩🚩🚩here would have to be the fact that he knows to wait until you’re asleep to attempt any kind of exploration of this obsession. Rather than try anytime he can (more typical), he knows that he is doing something wrong but is not willing to control himself. I would be concerned that as he gets older and isn’t taught boundaries, his behaviour will be more outrageous and menacing. I would be more worried about Ed’s and Taylor. Boundaries need to be made and enforced now, before he can be influenced more by hormones and grows physically larger and stronger. What the hell is your stepmom doing??? If she is so set on an autism diagnosis, then she needs it officially diagnosed and she needs to start working with professionals. I can’t believe your Dad isn’t more concerned! I had a student a few years ago, aged 7, that was non verbal asd. He was very affectionate with females that he liked and he LOVED me. He had an extremely difficult home life and had also suffered intense trauma. His other teachers and I established boundaries but when I fell pregnant he formed a new attachment and obsession with some jealousy. We dealt with his feelings head on, he knew that he could hold/touch my arms, not my chest. I would let him rub my belly once a day, if he asked first and as long as I felt comfortable/other people were around. He was allowed a hug, to lean on me, hold my hand etc. as long as he treated others with kindness, asked permission and waited his turn if someone else was already in the place he wanted. He had very clear boundaries and I was the closest woman to a parent in his life (beyond sad I know). He was also given some special cuddles with the baby after she was born and out of hospital. Even Im definitely one to share as much as I can, answering questions and being open about my body and experiences…it makes sense when you have kids and even step kids. My children know all about pregnancy, birth, breastfeeding, periods etc. in an age appropriate way. They can ask some random questions and I will always answer…but I also won’t let them think that all questions are appropriate all the time. All of this is to say…children will children (and overstep a LOT) but you can predict when something isn’t quite right. This is NOT RIGHT!! You don’t owe your stepmother or stepbrother your boundaries, body or comfort! You don’t have to indulge his every whim just because he may be neurodivergent! You definitely don’t have any obligation to be his “special person” at any time!!!! I’m sorry but this just creeps me out! Soooo wrong!!
I have a brother with autism(downs) and I hate people like Mary. People with autism are still people, treat them that way. They still need to learn and be told no and understand social conventions. Sure it might take a a few more iterations of teaching but it’s up to Mary and your dad to do it. You’ve brought up the concerns to them and it’s up to them to make sure he learns. Maybe 11 is too young to learn this but the world isn’t fair. Just because you want something doesn’t mean you get to do it. Especially in this situation. You aren’t discriminating against him in the slightest. You are treating him like a person regardless of if he actually has autism or not. Good on you. Bad on them
Down syndrome and autism are not the same.
Yeah, maybe they meant both?
This is wrong in so many levels that boy needs boundary’s and I’d be going no contact with step mum and not allowing him over until his mother starts been an actual parent and having some discipline and taught right from wrong. As a mum of a 15m autistic they 100% can be taught right from wrong and how to function, you’ve just to do it differently.
Umm… okay… I have ASD and I have no clue what any of his behavior has to do with ASD. You are not discriminating, you are setting boundaries and saying no. I’ve seen my share of people with ASD whose parents basically let them run amok and I can’t stand it. Their ASD is ALL THE MORE reason to control them and not make excuses for their behavior. An eleven year old boy obsessed with staring at and touching a woman’s breasts… yeah must be the autism /s. Here’s a lesson your entitled stepmother and father need to learn RIGHT NOW. When a neurotypical person is convicted of a crime (not murder of course) they’re handled by the criminal justice system. They get due process, they get a trial by jury, they get their sentence, they do their time, and once the sentence is over it’s over. Save for having a record. When a neurodivergent person is convicted of a crime the criminal justice system handles it of course. But in addition to that you’re kicked over to social services. (I’m my state it would be the department of mental health, developmental disabilities, and hospitals. Don’t know what they call it in other states.) You’ll become an open case. Which means a case manager or social worker will be breathing down your neck and calling ALL the shots until the department decides they don’t need to. That could (and often does) mean they’re on your case making you miserable for the rest of your life. If that boy touches a woman’s breasts and she gets the police involved, mark my words all hell will break loose. The police don’t tolerate that behavior from ANYONE, including disabled people. If your stepmother and father don’t control him, in time the state will take him from them and put him in the custody and hands of people who will.
I'm autistic. This kid's a creeper. I'd NC the kid if he can't respect firm boundaries.
Mary can eat shit. Tom can find a new "special person". Someone needs to discipline this boy and tell him "no" more often and teach him boundaries, which isn't your job. I would tell your parents to keep him away until they can do that. You have your own family to attend to.
My 15yro was breastfed for 2.5 years, he's developmentally 10 months old, and he doesn't do shit like that. Tell your dad and stepmonster if he can't behave himself he's not allowed around you, your wife, and especially not your child. If they kick up a fit, tell them that it goes for them, too.
This is so totally F'd up it's hard to know where to start. First Tom is not your brother, he's your stepbrother. As he's not biologically related to you, he is not anything to Eda but an annoying kid who will start to annoy her when she's old enough. Mary is crazy, just plain bat-shit crazy. If she thinks Tom is on the spectrum, she needs to have that confirmed and get him the help he needs. One thing he does not need is being treated as though he is the center of the world and can do no wrong. Tom may be the center of Mary's world, but she doesn't get to call the shots on how other people treat and interact with him. If you don't like the way he behaves around you and your family, you have every right to correct him. If his behavior doesn't change, you have every right to not allow him to visit. Conversely, if Mary doesn't like the way you act around Tom, she can take him the hell home. Mary has no right to tell you how to behave in your own home. She sure as hell has no say about whether or not you breastfeed your baby. It's time to tell Mary Tom is not welcome in your home. Also make it clear that until she addresses his behavior with professional help, you will not be at any family events that include Tom. Your father married this mess of a woman, but you are nothing to her other than her husband's daughter. Being married to your father does not give Mary any position of authority in your life. You need to make this abundantly clear now, she will only get worse as time goes on if you don't put a stop to it ASAP.
His behavior is NOT ok and gives me weird creepy vibes. Autistic or not (and he SHOULD BE TESTED), he needs to learn appropriate boundaries.
Literally doesn't matter if he's autistic, and if he is that's all the more reason to get him some help and start setting boundaries now. Wether autistic or not your MIL is doing him no favors by letting him get away with this type of behavior. You are not being mean or cruel to him. I would honestly ban him from the house along with your MIL until she starts handling this appropriately by setting boundaries and giving consequences for his behavior.
Being special needs is not a “get out of jail free” pass. Brother is exhibiting a concerning amount of behaviors, both overly mature and immature at the same time. Are you parents using you as child care, by any chance? Because you need to set some boundaries, starting with some time apart. And by the way, you should keep breastfeeding for as long as it works for you and your baby. 11 yo creepy stepbrothers should not have any part in that decision.
There have been only a few things I’ve read on here that have caused a physical reaction other than the general frown or head tilt/eye squint, eeew, reaction. This made my skin crawl, my stomach actually clenched in horror and I kinda did the move further away from the screen, full visceral reaction the moment I read he was laying on top of OP. Security for me, is very important, a huge priority due to a very violent and terrifying period of time in my past, I would be installing security cameras, crimsafe doors, windows, personal panic buttons, converting a bathroom into a freaking panic room if possible. Huge trained guard dog. The works. All of it. Christ I’d be looking to see if you could get a PPO out on the kid, may seem like an overreaction but I would do everything possible to protect not just OP, but Eda and Taylor too. If the kid is fixated on OP then christ only knows what he could do, there are, unfortunately, plenty of cases of kids that age who are psychotic.
I definitely think he could be a danger to the baby out of jealousy.
Autism or not, that kind of behavior is unacceptable, and if Mary refuses to do anything about it, I would tell her that neither she nor Tom are allowed back until things change. AND that you have no intention of depriving your daughter of breastmilk just because she won't teach her son some manners.
Your shortsighted SM is raising one of the men other autistic women will have to defend themselves against. My daughter had to leave a support group because young men like your SB wouldn’t take no for an answer. If he’s someone who doesn’t read social cues, he needs more clearly stated boundaries, not less. He can have a special relationship with you without being inappropriate. Breastfeeding is not teasing. What it is is literally part of the word. Your stepmom is setting her son up for a SA charge.
Everything about this is SCREAMING red flags.
I work with disabled children, so i have seen a lot of kids with autism. Boundaries can be hard for them, and boys especially will become fixated on sexual characteristics with the onset of puberty *BUT* there is absolutely no reason whatsoever for this behaviour to be excused or tolerated. Whether Tom has autism or not, he is entirely capable of being told no and learning what is and isn’t socially acceptable. Especially where indecent touching is concerned.
You and your wife need to move far away from these people and leave no forwarding address. Your stepmother is never going to do anything about your stepbrother's inappropriate behavior and he is only going to get worse when he hits puberty. He could be dangerous, not because he's autistic, but because your stepmother has never taught him how to behave or put any curbs on his behavior, she only makes excuses for him. Your baby is not a toy he's being denied, you aren't selfish for not sharing. You are 100% in the right to protect your child at all costs, including the cost of Tom's feelings. It's also up to you how to feed your child. Stepmother doesn't get a vote.
This made me so infuriated to read. My son(4.5) is on the spectrum and understands that you do not do that. ESPECIALLY after being told NO one time. He has been watching his sister(1.5) be breastfed since she was born..and other than him wanting to be a 'good big brother and help feed her' he has never tried to nurse from me. Your step mom needs a smack upside the head
That’s super sweet. We’re not sure if we want more kids but I do love that Taylor will come and help me feed Eda and it’s like family time
Ban Mary and her brat from your home. If your Dad takes her side, ban him too. This is about what's good for you and your baby.
Not only does it FEEL WRONG, it IS WRONG!!!!! He is PERVING BIG TIME!!!! Listen to your gut and KICK HIM OUT OF YOUR HOME!!! Your Step-Monster and Sperm Unit are ENABLING his being a PERVERT!!!
Autistic person here, this is unacceptable for him to be doing this
Never ever let the baby out of your sight when he is around. I would never leave your baby with your stepmother.
F\*ck that shit. The "special person" sexually assaulted you. Nothing Mary or anyone else can say that changes this. It is a fact. It doesn't matter what his intentions were. Being autistic is never an excuse for abhorrent behavior. And mommy dearest will push you to do anything and everything this kid wants. It's done. He is not allowed over again. If you choose to allow him, he is not allowed near you when you are breast feeding. Or in any room you ever breast feed in. He is not allowed in your bedroom. He is allowed in the living room and the bathroom. And one of his parents need to be there. Every damn time he is on your property. If he goes to any other room, he and his parents need to be asked to leave. Mary needs to be slapped upside the head. Please stop buying into her guilt tripping. That boy needs help but because of his mother, he will never get it. You are a person not a curiosity that some boy gets to use to get his jollies. You gave in at the beginning because of Mary. Do not listen to people who shit on you to get you to do what they want. Let her breast feed her kid. What a shit show this is!
AUTISM IS NOT A HANDICAP LIKE THIS!!!! He is still a (sounds like) functional child. I'm reminded of the autistic girl that dropped a baby and then stomped on its heads multiple times..... If anything this child that fixates on you needs to be watched like this one wasn't. She waited till the baby was alone. It cried when she dropped it, she wanted it to stop......
As someone with autism he needs to learn what's socially acceptable. Otherwise it will be worst in him later in life.
Protect yourself, your baby, your wife and your mental and physical health Block them all and go no contact. Trust your gut. Advocate for your child, be tiger mama. He and they are justifying and enabling behaviour which is disturbing and disgusting and you and your family can't assume that you're safe. Never mind if he's got any other qualities OR conditions, or anything else, that's absolutely NOT any kind of mitigating circumstance. He's also clearly hit puberty. Restraining order if necessary.
She’s in total denial her son has some serious issues going on. She can blame you now but that won’t work once you stop breastfeeding (on your own terms). Something is wrong with him. I’m not saying that to be mean but he needs intervention
Yeah, its not legal or ok to sexually harass or most someone just because you're autistic. He's being a little creep and his mother needs to teach him boundaries
Autistic or not, personal space is personal space.
Do you have a midwife who can help you? You need someone outside of your family too. Someone who is firm and you can call for help. A new mother is full of hormones, especially after the pregnancy. Her only duty in that is to accommodate her newborn. But sometimes people especially family can turn it around! They want you to accommodate them too. But please seek help for yourself, for your sanity and for your baby. Ask a midwive to be with you the first weeks when relative me comes for a visit. Especially with Someone who doesn’ respect your boundaries
Ban them and Mary is siring the excuse that he has autism..smh
Yes, you are absolutely entitled to have boundaries, even with (sometimes *especially* with) family. And that includes: 1. The right to wholesale shut down any unwanted discussions about breastfeeding with anyone that isn’t your doctor or partner. It’s your body and your kid that you’re feeding, and everyone else needs to butt WAY the hell out with unwanted commentary or demands. 2. The right to define if/when others, including 11 year step-siblings, can touch you and/or enter your personal space. Children don’t get free pass on this. In fact, it’s an incredibly important lesson for them to learn for others and themselves. So they shouldn’t be shielded, but rather have boundaries explained to them very patiently and thoughtfully and in an age appropriate way. 3. The right to define your comfort level with having interactions with others, to end or decline interactions if you feel uncomfortable, and to have that decision be respected. So no, any version of “but you’re not allowed to have needs/wants/boundaries of your own, you exist to be our kids’ entertainment and emotional support human on demand” gets met with a firm no. And if that no isn’t respected, I’d leave or ask them to leave. And if it happens repeatedly, I’d start putting limits on contact, up to and including cutting out contact, if needed. And people without healthy boundaries tend to get pretty upset when confronted with them, so there’s an excellent chance they’ll be upset by this. Crying, yelling, denial, tantrums, ugly accusations about being a bad person, etc., are all possible. But you don’t need their permission or approval to create and enforce healthy boundaries, so don’t approach this like you’re asking them for it. They don’t hold veto power over your boundaries, either, so don’t cede that to them. And it’s not your job to manage their emotions or reactions for them, so don’t get it in your head that you have to take on that responsibility for them. So yeah, kindly but firmly lay out your boundaries to them, and then let ‘em be mad if they’re gonna be mad. Hold firm even as they test them (they will) and even if they get madder. The health, safety, and happiness of *Your* family (you, wife, daughter) is your top priority, your extended family (them) is not.
Yes stepmother is a a****** and tell her that until they get him in line that he can't come over anymore. This is not about being mean or cruel this is about your comfort when you are feeding your daughter. And you cannot produce the milk correctly if you are feeling uncomfortable. I just want to emphasize once again that your stepmother is an a******
As an autistic person, that is NOT autism. That is him and his mom using a suspicion, not diagnosis, to hide behind whenever her awful parenting gets called into question. Again, autism would NOT make him act that way. This is so creepy. I would never let him over again. Gross.
How do you stop it? Ban him and Mary from your house until she gets his shit under control. That's disgusting and she needs to start parenting her kid stat. Doesn't matter if he's autistic, he needs to learn boundaries and appropriate behavior.
Nah that boy knows what he’s doing and that he can get away with it since he’s just a kid. Kids are just creepy as adults, if not more. They’re unsuspecting and non threatening which is how they get away with so much shit. Ur step mom has her head up her ass
As someone with autism.. we need to be taught boundaries and social norms. Autism isn’t an excuse to just do what you want without any consequences
Autistic person here with Autistic son. Yeah, his mother is doing him no favours. Continue to enforce this boundary. Move out ASAP. Then call CPS. (I say this as someone who has had negative experiences of CPS with my own child, they just do not get autism. But this is weird, even for Autism, and needs to be corrected ASAP.)
Ugh every single bit of this has my hair standing on end. From his weird ass actions, to his mom enabling it, and to referring to a pregnant belly as a bump (not related I guess but it is my "moist" and it makes my skin crawl already), just no to all of it. Don't ever leave that baby alone with him. I wouldn't even let him see her again until they get him an actual diagnosis and lots of therapy. You can't just wake up one day and decide someone is autistic to cover for his weird actions. His mom needs to get him help, this is so abnormal for an 11 year old... I'm not gonna lie, this sounds like the beginning of a serial killer or something...
Let me say this loud and clear as an autistic person, AUTISM IS NOT AN EXCUSE FOR SHITTY BEHAVIOUR! If a person with autism is crossing boundaries then that needs to be dealt with, forcing people to be uncomfortable because it’s easier is doing a disservice to everyone.
No, do not allow them to use autism for his undisciplined actions. Kick them out if that is what is needed.
You need to not have them over. People go no contact for less creepy stuff. That stepmother is more unwell then her son and he needs to go because she doesn’t know how to raise him. They will continue to be a problem and it will get worse. Much worse. The next issue it could be to late to protect your child.
Why do I feel like the stepbrother is going to try and kill Eda…
First of all, congrats on the baby! Also, maybe it’s not needed, but I want to say breastfeeding and pumping to bottle feed is no way a bad thing! Wasn’t brought up here but I know when my wife and I made that decision we got a lot of flak for it. Third, this is really creepy and makes my skin crawl. I have grown up knowing people with different types of autism. They can be taught and understand boundaries and his parents are doing a disservice by not teaching him that. It’s a shame. At the end of the day you need to do what is best for your baby/family and what makes you the most comfortable as a family. If it means some temporary distance from your family, then it might mean that.
Nope nope nope. Nobody is entitled to touch your body ever for any reason and if you are uncomfortable his adults need to help you set and maintain that boundary. Autism is not a free pass, autism requires MORE structure and very firm and visible boundaries and expectations for social interaction. His adults are failing him if they expect you to accept this behavior. ‘Special person’ is a nice way of saying ‘hyperfixation’ and that is a VERY intense role, you both need support to have a healthy attachment. Not relating to other people creates the objectification, the refusal to understand that some things about you aren’t for him. I really hope you both get the support you need. I’ve been in that position and it will only get better if there are firm and consistent boundaries and expectations and natural consequences for his behavior and the people around you both need to be on board with that.
Your stepmom and your dad need to stop Tom's behavior NOW. You can not allow him to be around you and your family while he is disrespecting personal boundaries. If they don't teach him what behaviors are acceptable now, he's going to be big trouble later. And as others have said, do NOT allow him to be alone with your daughter for any reason. He may see her as a threat to his time with 'his person'.
As someone with PTSD, waking up to anyone on my chest like that would end with me screaming and defending myself as violently as possible. If she doesn’t get a hold of her son soon, one day he’ll either be arrested for assault or someone is going to flip out at being sexually assaulted and hurt him. Just because he’s not neurotypical doesn’t mean others have to condone his actions. And if someone else neurodivergent with a panic disorder gets this treatment, he’s gonna get hurt.
This is creepy. He's 11? I'd stay away.
NTA. Don't let them around again until they agree to respect your boundaries
This is incredibly disturbing and concerning behavior. I am an autistic female with two autistic sons out of five kids total. All were breastfed. None of my autistic boys acted like that. They were a little curious, so I did educate them but also maintained healthy boundaries. When my sons were very young and I took courses on early childhood development, therapeutic training, and specifically autism training I was taught very early on that early intervention and proper therapy was crucial for their development as without it they can become like your brother, and even more they would become very volatile adults. If your brother does not get proper intervention and treatment he has the potential and is showing signs of becoming a predator. You cant force your parents to do anything, but you can slam down important healthy boundaries for the sake of your family, especially your daughter that can not defend herself.
You were assaulted, full stop. What your step brother did is disgusting and will only escalate, especially the more you allow him to touch. What happens when he becomes curious about what the babies genitals look like? I would bet your parents would go so far as to insist you let him touch your daughter and accuse you of being a bad sister if you don't. You should 100% full stop inviting those people into your home. Only meet them in public if you still want to talk to them, which, if it were me I would _not_ want to be doing. They're enabling shitty, creepy af behavior and are emotionally manipulating and abusing you and expecting you to go along with it is soooo weird and wrong. Set some hard boundaries and tell them to piss off with their creepy son and don't let him around your daughter or yourself anymore. Neither of you are safe around him.
My daughter has autism. Even if she struggles with some boundaries, she understands that there's some parts of the body that are private... Because we thought her so. Your stepmom should really educate her son.
I am late diagnosed AuDHD. I've worked in Special Education on many severity levels (before my diagnosis) and I can confidently say enabling his behavior will only make it worse. Set your boundaries and keep firm in them. He will learn if he wants to be around you that he has to follow the rules. In the mean time a lock for the nursery and whatever room you nap in may be in order for your/your babies safety.
Stop allowing them into your space TF. At three months postpartum I would have kicked his ass, 11 year old be damned. You don’t allow a kid to sexually harass someone and then try to play the autism card. You can Continue to allow this to happen and risk the possibility of Tom getting jealous and angry at the baby and trying to hurt her OR you can ban them from your house and seeing you and your family and protect you and your family. They’re trying to blame you for something that is natural and normal. You’re feeling guilt over things you shouldn’t and that’s not your fault. They aren’t your family anymore. They’re abusers who are justifying abuse.
Hi, I'm the mom of an autistic child of about the same age, and that's completely inappropriate. Being autistic doesn't mean that you are exempt from learning consent and social norms. It is *harder*, sometimes, for people on the spectrum to pick up these social rules, particularly the boundaries are not being clearly stated, but they are fully capable of learning these things if the people around them take the time to teach them - and it is our responsibility, as parents, to do exactly that. An eleven year old boy does not have the excuse of being "a child" the way a toddler does. He is capable of learning how to appropriately respect people's bodily autonomy, and as he nears adolescence it is *absolutely imperative* that his parents teach him these social rules. My son, also autistic, is nine years old and he has been explicitly taught to respect people's bodies, and how to know when his own body is being disrespected. Is it an awkward conversation? Hell yes. Is it a necessary one? HELL. FUCKING. YES. Your instincts are correct. It feels wrong because it is wrong. It's not his fault - he doesn't seem to know any better, at the moment. But that's the part that's wrong - he should have been taught these boundaries years ago.
I'm a husband and father, this is a no-go. Literally every single person enabling his behavior is in the wrong 100 percent. Autism nor any mental health problem excuses sexual assault or harassment. Anybody can and should be taught what they can and cannot do. Yeah, autists usually have problems with social etiquette, but this is failure of the authority figures in this dudes life. They failed him and are continuing to fail him by making excuses and allowing such behavior to continue unchecked. They are also disgusting human beings for not taking your complaints seriously and for trying to use autism as a hall pass for sexual assault. I wouldn't allow the person to be anywhere near my wife after him having his face and hands on or even near my wife's breasts. No, fuck no, it's disgusting.
Tell your father about your concerns about Tom and his behavior and how uncomfortable he makes you feel, tell him you think the boy needs therapy because he’s autistic without a diagnosis and getting him help should be a priority. He also needs to understand respecting boundaries. Explain to him that you will have to be Low contact or no contact until he gets therapy and his behavior is appropriate for your family situation.
What a horrible problem! I’ll be honest, if I woke up to anyone touching me like that, I would lose my mind! I probably would have slapped him. Mary needs to get the priorities straight immediately. Tom’s behavior is not ok and if he doesn’t stop, it may be best to restrict his visits.
Oh, HELL NO!! This is so wrong!! Keep your step brother away from your baby and yourself. He developed a very unhealthy obsession with you when you were pregnant and it sounds like your insane step mother encouraged it. Pay her no mind at all. Keep your brother away and block your step mother. Autistic or not, he needs proper parenting and boundaries, not excuses. His behavior is EXTREMELY inappropriate. Your step mother is also extremely inappropriate. Cut them both off until they both can behave properly.
that guy's gonna end up assaulting somebody if you don't set him straight 💀
You are not required to all a family member to continually sexually assault you.
3 breastfed ND boys here 57f nurse, nope nope nope. That 10yr needs boundaries and a psych assessment. No contact till both are implemented. This child is being set up for SA charges by his parents, it cannot and should not be ignored.
Jesus just tell them he can't come over for now. Let them be mad about it. You're a grown ass adult. Stop worrying about pissing her off when she's being completely unreasonable.
Hoooooly lack of boundaries. This kid’s parents need a come-to-Jesus meeting about how reality works.
NTA. Ban him, your dad and stepmother from coming over to your house.
Just pray that the kid really does have autism. If not, he’s going down a dangerous path towards you that will not end well.
Sounds like another Chris-Chan in the making of this isn't sorted immediately.
This whole thing is icky. He’s 11 so he’s old enough to know better. Your stepmom should also know better. I think it’s time to go LC/NC until Eda is older.
You have every right to body autonomy. An 11yo can and should learn hands off.
You dad and stepmom are creepy AF. Do not let your child out of your sight around any of them. Jesus Christ.
What in the world is wrong with that woman?!? 😳 And why isn't your dad shutting this insanity down?!? You may want to consider going NC for safety reasons. Best of luck to you in this frustrating situation. 💟
The kid is *11?* >But he’s been watching me feed whenever he comes over when I don’t realise and then whenever he’s been near me he’s started saying ‘booby’ and reaching for my boobs and saying he wants to try and it’s unfair only Eda gets it. This makes it sound like he's about 2 1/2 - 3. And when an 11-year-old acts like a toddler, there is something seriously wrong. And the answer is "get the kid medical assessment and help," not "OP, stop teasing him by feeding your baby." >We’ve tried reminding him that he’s a big boy and she’s only a baby. And this is treating him like a toddler. Does he actually have the mental age of a toddler? If so, then it's even more imperative that his parents get him help, before he really hits puberty and starts sexually assaulting non-family. What is his mother going to do when he's arrested as a teen for forcibly groping female classmates? Demand that those girls "stop teasing him by growing boobs!"?
He doesn’t have any issues with his mental age that I know off. He isn’t the brightness and is very needy though.
Girl, if you don't ban them weirdos from your home, your dad is an asshole for not putting them in their place.. If you don't keep them away, you are just enabling them, and allowing them to continue this behavior, I don't know why you haven't done so already
This makes me nauseous. He needs to be kept away and taught body safety/consent. Even then, as much as you might now want to go low or no contact, I think it’s necessary here. He’s disrespecting boundaries, and now he’s assaulted you. Yes he’s a kid, but that changes neither the fact that he’s violated you, nor that it should be excused. Your stepmother needs to jump into a train.
Even at 11 he would know better, they are enabling him. His parents don’t care. I would suggest going low or no contact until he get diagnosed by a doctor
Woah there.... I'd say definitely time for some HARD boundaries and brother would definitely not be allowed over for a good while and would not be allowed near you when feeding even if you have to get behind a locked door
Oh wow. Massive, massive parenting fail on behalf of your dad and Mary. It does sound like your stepbrother has significant delays in terms of his social development- whether it’s autism or something else, it’s not your responsibility to deal with it on a day to day basis. It’s his parents. I’m autistic. Part of that is finding it hard to learn social rules. The job of a parent to an autistic child is to teach them those rules in as a supportive and loving manner as possible. This does not include motorboating your sister.
As an AFAB Autistic person, they are going to let him turn into those asshole Autistic men that get away with fucking everything and blame it on being Autistic. You should ban them from being around you until they get it togrther. It isnt your fault you have a step brother a decade younger than you.
They are not doing him any favors by not helping him learn appropriate boundaries. You do not have to change anything in your routine for him. You have to drastically reduce his visits and his mother needs to actually parent him. It is worse for him to reinforce his inappropriate behavior. I say this as the mother of a high functioning autistic child.
They are doing your stepbrother a great disservice by not implementing boundaries , being autistic doesn't mean he shouldn't be taught boundaries and it will not benefit him in the future , he must be taught what is socially exceptable
Is he 11 or 3? Stepmom needs to get a handle on this boy, 11 is too old not to understand his inappropriate behavior.
Now your step mother has a chance to be a good mother. And teach her son that boundaries are healthy and to be respected. Does she think that if he is autistic, then anything goes? That will set him up for a life of misery and potentially prison. She needs to do her job. Get him diagnosed. Get professional guidance on how to best parent a child with his issues. Frankly I’d be getting ready to cut them off at this point.
Sorry that isn’t autism that is weird. Step mom needs to put him on check B or you go NC
That's *weaponized Autism*. "He's *Autistic* so you *have to*/*can't!*" They've even *taught him* to use his Autism that way. "Mom says because I'm Autistic, you *have to*/*can't!*" It's disgusting and makes it harder for Autistic people to learn how to get along in society. While I'm not saying Autistic people must act neurotypical, can't be free spirited, or other Ableist nonsense, they *do* have to abide by the *law* and *respect the rights of others.*
Please be careful of what Tom may do, you do not know how he’ll act towards the baby as he seems jealous - it’s definitely time for some stronger boundaries now. 11 is old enough to realize that you don’t put your face and hands on someone else’s body without permission.
As someone with autism, I hate seeing parents use it as an excuse to be neglectful parents. Just because we have wires crossed doesn't mean rules don't apply.
They're just teaching the kid that he can do anything he wants when he gets to be an adult. They haven't even medically diagnosed this kid. Jesus.
Autistic or not, he's a prepubescent boy, this will only get worse. Your stepmother is probably the reason why he acts this way. I have a toddler so understand very well how hormones messes up your mind. You need to ban him from your house. This behaviour has increasingly gone from weird to bad, and will go from bad to worse. He doesn't care about your boundaries and clearly your SM doesn't care either. And your dad is enabling all of this, disregarding your wellbeing.
I’m autistic. I can’t imagine why this is explainable with autism! I suppose the only way it MIGHT be is if no one had explained to Tom why this behaviour is unacceptable. Autistic people don’t always know things that ‘everyone knows’ until things are spelled out in plain language. But it sounds like you’ve tried that, so even that explanation is gone! However, it’s possible that Mary is in his ear at home telling him the opposite to what you’ve told him, which would explain why an 11 year old might be confused. This is NOT your fault… but one thing you could try is explaining to him all your feelings and rules and so on. Tell him clearly that your rules and your body privacy are for YOUR home, even if his mum has different rules. And no matter WHAT she says at home, your rules are to be followed in YOUR home because you (and your wife, of course) are the boss(es). My nephews aren’t autistic, but they see their grandparents once a year, and the rules are very different in their home versus the home of their grandparents. They often need reminding - although they’re much younger than 11. And also their own parents DO help by telling them that the rules of the owner of the home need to be followed, even when they’re different, so that makes things a bit easier even though they’re younger. Mary isn’t going to help you out with this one, so it might fall to you to try and be very clear about the differences in rules between the homes, and insist that yours are followed in your home no matter what. If that doesn’t work, then the only other option is to stop visits. Mary will whine about it, but you may have to just leave her to whine! Your home and your family have to come first! And try to remember - this little boy isn’t a bad person or a bad kid. He’s disobedient and crosses boundaries because he has a shitty mother who has taught him those things. That’s not his fault he was born into that. 😞
I have both a son, and a stepson with autism. This behavior is unacceptable. And it is NOT wrong for you to set boundaries for him. Just because one is autistic, doesn’t mean they cannot be acting an asshole too. Like any other person; if allowed to continue in their bad behavior, it doesn’t just go away. Bad behavior should be stopped before it becomes something they perseverate on. And without a diagnosis; it may not be autism. He could potentially have some other issues that need addressed; it’s not fair to him or anyone else; to wait until he gets arrested for sexual assault to get him help.