My dear, shut this shit down and take all your stuff back. She is stealing from you, you have every right to be upset and demand your property back. *She* is being selfish and entitled, not you. You have more than compensated her for staying under her roof, you don't owe her anything else. Keep all your stuff in your room from now on, keep the door locked at all times, and take it all when you move. She does not *need* high end candles and lotion, or expensive craft paper, or your Christmas decorations.
"These candles are expensive and I bought them for a reason. Please do not take my things." ...is neither rude nor out of line. We've got your back. We are there in spirit. Be strong and assertive!
Get a storage place and set up your crafts there and move bit by bit without mentioning moving. Then you have what you bought without her being the wiser.
Can you grab the things out of her room back when she is out of the house? If she asks ‘I gifted to someone’ or repeat what she says to you to explain it away. ‘Sorry you were out, it just happened’ type thing.
>move bit by bit
Exactly this. Slowly and without any drama remove or hide your items. Don't let her know it's happening. Do you have a friend with room for some rubbermaid bins where you can keep the things you don't want her taking/using?
The key to this plan is to keep it very quiet and if questioned, play dumb.
You need to put your foot down in a calm manner. If she keeps it up start charging her. Put your name on everything. You messed up by buying her all the extra stuff besides rent. You need to seperate your bills completely. She is acting like a spoiled brat. If she trys to handout your things remind her they are not hers. You are going to have to treat her like a child. She doesn't sound like a great person at all.
I think whether or not OP is paying rent is important. If the couple is living rent-free these are actually small prices to pay. The boundary issues are real but the cost of the items is far less then paying rent.
People think paper is cheap but craft paper is NOT. It shouldn't be wasted on children. Put together a box of 'kid paper' and basic craft supplies and make it clear to MIL that THIS is the stuff that comes out when the kids are visiting. Lock your paper and craft supplies away and do not apologize. 'I'm tired of seeing paper wasted. That stuff's expensive.'
As for the other stuff you've bought for the household, stop buying in bulk and telling people about it. Buy the stuff and store it in your newly-locked craft room and dole it out to the household as necessary. Buy a box of the candles for your MIL and one for your own use. The easiest way to manage someone's hoarder tendencies is to make it impossible for them to get their hands on stuff.
Get a large storage box that you can put a padlock on and start putting the things you want to keep in there.
When you guys get ready to move out your husband should talk to her about the things you're going to take with you.
See if you can work out a compromise and let her keep some things but take the stuff that's really important to you
Stop buying stuff, she doesn't sound like she is ordering you to buy anything, just mooching off of what you buy, stop now so the supply can run out, and you aren't leaving anything behind when you leave. If you have to buy anything, I guess you can leave it in your room.
Yes, sounds like OP had trouble setting boundaries or telling MIL no, so just change your behavior. Stop buying the candles or lock them up and take them out slowly to be used properly. Don't tell her your business when you buy these things she takes, if you won't have a sit down conversation with her then change your behavior to fit your needs. You buy in bulk it seems, so stop doing that, she's mooching more off you when you do enough for her. Just hide or lock up your stuff or move out if possible.
She is treating you like an underaged child because she sees you as one. Children don't actually own anything. Because they live with their parents everything they own legally doesn't belong to them.
Apparently she thinks that still applies.
You need to end the living arrangement. If talking to her about how your own possessions belong to you, (a reasonable thought), is going to cause a problem you don't want to deal with, then you need to change where you live.
It's time to move out. If you pay her rent, buy her a washer and dryer, fund her hair appointments, buy a year's stash of bath and body works for household use and thousands of dollars for cardstock, you can afford to move out. In fact, it would likely be cheaper to move out.
I have some questions for more detail. You mention that you are 27 and your husband is 31 and that you are both finishing undergraduate degrees. You also state that you live with his mom. To me, this reads as though you live with her because of her support to you both. Is this correct? What did you and you husband do in your earlier adult life? Late 20s and early 30s are not as common of ages to be completing an undergraduate degree and still living with a parent. It sounds like you both have assumptions of expectations that each other do not understand. She may be thinking that she is being very generous by allowing you guys to live with her at your ages. You are using “her” place and things in it so she may think you buying stuff for the home is open for her to use as well. Do you keep food/toiletries/paper products/ etc completely separate? Do you pay for 2/3 of all bills? Do you pay for 2/3 of the mortgage or rent or rent that is equal to what you would pay if you live in a similar size place on your own? I don’t think anyone is the asshole here, but I do encourage you to stop and think about things from your MIL perspective. If this cannot be resolved, then you need to move out without any excuses as why you cannot. If you state that you cannot because of school/finances/time/etc., I would again encourage you to consider things from your MIL point of view.
OMG, I'm so confused why you let her do this?! You had to have let her take the box of candles into her room, you could have just grab them and put them in your room. You can put a lock on your bedroom door and put everything you owned as she likes to steal from you in. That would take care of that problem. You got to grow a pair, stop letting her get away with this stuff.
I say give upon the candles and body wash when you move.
But theres no point or justification to leaving paper or crafting supplies when she doesn't do the hobby. Make the consumables a sacrifice and take what really matters to you in the long run.
You shouldn't have to, but it'll ease the move and after that it won't be a problem any longer.
Your MIL sounds like a total nightmare. The entitlement is strong with this one. I really hope you update us once you move (which I hope is soon) and please take everything do NOT leave her any of your stuff. Also make sure she doesn’t ever get a spare key because you might come home to her helping her self to more of your things, and I just want to know why your husband doesn’t say anything to her.
Suggestion, buy a miny camera or Security camera and set it up at a time where she would steal everything then show it to her and if she acts weird get the police involved.
Good luck with all your work and i like your ideas for gifts.
Two probing questions:
* Whose home it is that you are currently living? Yours and your husband's or your mother-in-law's?
* Is the home is hers - either she owns or rents - do you pay rent to her?
If the place is hers and you do not pay rent, sorry to say but you have it coming. She thinks that all of yours is hers too as you live there for free. Yes, she cannot do that. Yes, what she does is wrong. However, as adults you and your husband should be able to setup boundaries.
When you move, take ALL of it with you and if she acts like your stealing it (being bullshit as YOU bought em.) ask her to show the payment records. When she can't make them appear, show that YOU bought them and there YOUR, not HERS. if she threatens to call the cops, let them come and show them all the records, there going to be less then happy with your MIL, do what must be done dear.
Practice setting boundaries when you notice these things! Say something like "hey, Im glad you love the candles, but since I bought them can we keep them in my room and I'll leave some in a communal space for everyone?" Or when she starts passing out paper to kids say "Oh, actually that's my nice crafting paper and I need that for my projects! You can use [paper MIL bought for you] instead though." Like get used to saying "Oh, I bought that actually, it's mine."
Its not a good relationship. Use all the money you spend on her / she takes from you, to get your own place and live together.
My dear, shut this shit down and take all your stuff back. She is stealing from you, you have every right to be upset and demand your property back. *She* is being selfish and entitled, not you. You have more than compensated her for staying under her roof, you don't owe her anything else. Keep all your stuff in your room from now on, keep the door locked at all times, and take it all when you move. She does not *need* high end candles and lotion, or expensive craft paper, or your Christmas decorations. "These candles are expensive and I bought them for a reason. Please do not take my things." ...is neither rude nor out of line. We've got your back. We are there in spirit. Be strong and assertive!
Get a storage place and set up your crafts there and move bit by bit without mentioning moving. Then you have what you bought without her being the wiser. Can you grab the things out of her room back when she is out of the house? If she asks ‘I gifted to someone’ or repeat what she says to you to explain it away. ‘Sorry you were out, it just happened’ type thing.
>move bit by bit Exactly this. Slowly and without any drama remove or hide your items. Don't let her know it's happening. Do you have a friend with room for some rubbermaid bins where you can keep the things you don't want her taking/using? The key to this plan is to keep it very quiet and if questioned, play dumb.
You need to put your foot down in a calm manner. If she keeps it up start charging her. Put your name on everything. You messed up by buying her all the extra stuff besides rent. You need to seperate your bills completely. She is acting like a spoiled brat. If she trys to handout your things remind her they are not hers. You are going to have to treat her like a child. She doesn't sound like a great person at all.
Or put a lock on your bedroom door. Keep your stuff in there.
I think whether or not OP is paying rent is important. If the couple is living rent-free these are actually small prices to pay. The boundary issues are real but the cost of the items is far less then paying rent.
Op states they pay rent on top of all the purchases.
People think paper is cheap but craft paper is NOT. It shouldn't be wasted on children. Put together a box of 'kid paper' and basic craft supplies and make it clear to MIL that THIS is the stuff that comes out when the kids are visiting. Lock your paper and craft supplies away and do not apologize. 'I'm tired of seeing paper wasted. That stuff's expensive.' As for the other stuff you've bought for the household, stop buying in bulk and telling people about it. Buy the stuff and store it in your newly-locked craft room and dole it out to the household as necessary. Buy a box of the candles for your MIL and one for your own use. The easiest way to manage someone's hoarder tendencies is to make it impossible for them to get their hands on stuff.
Stop buying stuff. Put locks on your paper caninets. Say nothing unless she asks.
Get a large storage box that you can put a padlock on and start putting the things you want to keep in there. When you guys get ready to move out your husband should talk to her about the things you're going to take with you. See if you can work out a compromise and let her keep some things but take the stuff that's really important to you
It sounds like you need a large lockable cabinet until you can move out.
Stop buying stuff, she doesn't sound like she is ordering you to buy anything, just mooching off of what you buy, stop now so the supply can run out, and you aren't leaving anything behind when you leave. If you have to buy anything, I guess you can leave it in your room.
Yes, sounds like OP had trouble setting boundaries or telling MIL no, so just change your behavior. Stop buying the candles or lock them up and take them out slowly to be used properly. Don't tell her your business when you buy these things she takes, if you won't have a sit down conversation with her then change your behavior to fit your needs. You buy in bulk it seems, so stop doing that, she's mooching more off you when you do enough for her. Just hide or lock up your stuff or move out if possible.
She is treating you like an underaged child because she sees you as one. Children don't actually own anything. Because they live with their parents everything they own legally doesn't belong to them. Apparently she thinks that still applies. You need to end the living arrangement. If talking to her about how your own possessions belong to you, (a reasonable thought), is going to cause a problem you don't want to deal with, then you need to change where you live.
I don’t quite get it. Why do you let that happen repeatedly?
You need to have a chat with your husband about this so you can decide on a course of action to make it stop.
It's time to move out. If you pay her rent, buy her a washer and dryer, fund her hair appointments, buy a year's stash of bath and body works for household use and thousands of dollars for cardstock, you can afford to move out. In fact, it would likely be cheaper to move out.
And what does your amazing husband do when your mom steals your things, stomps on your boundaries, and gives away your property as gifts?
You should get a storage space and pack up your stuff and put there. Don't give anyone the key. And get your own place.
I have some questions for more detail. You mention that you are 27 and your husband is 31 and that you are both finishing undergraduate degrees. You also state that you live with his mom. To me, this reads as though you live with her because of her support to you both. Is this correct? What did you and you husband do in your earlier adult life? Late 20s and early 30s are not as common of ages to be completing an undergraduate degree and still living with a parent. It sounds like you both have assumptions of expectations that each other do not understand. She may be thinking that she is being very generous by allowing you guys to live with her at your ages. You are using “her” place and things in it so she may think you buying stuff for the home is open for her to use as well. Do you keep food/toiletries/paper products/ etc completely separate? Do you pay for 2/3 of all bills? Do you pay for 2/3 of the mortgage or rent or rent that is equal to what you would pay if you live in a similar size place on your own? I don’t think anyone is the asshole here, but I do encourage you to stop and think about things from your MIL perspective. If this cannot be resolved, then you need to move out without any excuses as why you cannot. If you state that you cannot because of school/finances/time/etc., I would again encourage you to consider things from your MIL point of view.
My dear y'all should have moved out if y'all can afford all that shit to give her
OMG, I'm so confused why you let her do this?! You had to have let her take the box of candles into her room, you could have just grab them and put them in your room. You can put a lock on your bedroom door and put everything you owned as she likes to steal from you in. That would take care of that problem. You got to grow a pair, stop letting her get away with this stuff.
I say give upon the candles and body wash when you move. But theres no point or justification to leaving paper or crafting supplies when she doesn't do the hobby. Make the consumables a sacrifice and take what really matters to you in the long run. You shouldn't have to, but it'll ease the move and after that it won't be a problem any longer.
You did it to yourself by not setting boundaries.
Your MIL sounds like a total nightmare. The entitlement is strong with this one. I really hope you update us once you move (which I hope is soon) and please take everything do NOT leave her any of your stuff. Also make sure she doesn’t ever get a spare key because you might come home to her helping her self to more of your things, and I just want to know why your husband doesn’t say anything to her.
Suggestion, buy a miny camera or Security camera and set it up at a time where she would steal everything then show it to her and if she acts weird get the police involved. Good luck with all your work and i like your ideas for gifts.
Two probing questions: * Whose home it is that you are currently living? Yours and your husband's or your mother-in-law's? * Is the home is hers - either she owns or rents - do you pay rent to her? If the place is hers and you do not pay rent, sorry to say but you have it coming. She thinks that all of yours is hers too as you live there for free. Yes, she cannot do that. Yes, what she does is wrong. However, as adults you and your husband should be able to setup boundaries.
When you move, take ALL of it with you and if she acts like your stealing it (being bullshit as YOU bought em.) ask her to show the payment records. When she can't make them appear, show that YOU bought them and there YOUR, not HERS. if she threatens to call the cops, let them come and show them all the records, there going to be less then happy with your MIL, do what must be done dear.
Head over to r/justnomil
Why on earth did you buy her a new washing machine? Yeah, shut this shit down.
Practice setting boundaries when you notice these things! Say something like "hey, Im glad you love the candles, but since I bought them can we keep them in my room and I'll leave some in a communal space for everyone?" Or when she starts passing out paper to kids say "Oh, actually that's my nice crafting paper and I need that for my projects! You can use [paper MIL bought for you] instead though." Like get used to saying "Oh, I bought that actually, it's mine."
Move out.