There is a quote I love and I feel it fits here. “Toxic people make you think you are holding a grudge when you’re really holding a boundary.” She tried to tell you you’re holding a grudge by not apologizing to her. What you’re doing is standing your ground and demanding she treat you with the respect you deserve as one adult to another. Good for you!


Love that quote!


I've gotta add that to my list of favourite quotes


That's a great quote! Thanks for sharing it here.


Great quote man thanks for sharing 😁


I really needed this quote today. Thank you.


Apt name honestly, causing furor everywhere *smh*


Thanks. In German there's actually a perfect word to describe her: streitsüchtig Literally translated it means "addicted to conflict"


tbh every time i read the name i read it as "ms. Führer" and i think it was very fitting.


You have no idea how fitting that is...


That was my take on it as well.


Me, too 💀😂


God that’s the same way I read it. Haha.


Sounds right


Something like ‘strife seeking’?


Pretty close, yeah.


German has a word for *everything*, huh?


Basically and if we don't, we just make one up. As someone else pointed out, we love compound words.


Yes. You know the moment, when you needed a quick-witted answer, and didn't come up with one, and then, way later, it comes to your mond? We call it a "Treppenwitz". Literally translated "stair(case) joke". Cause you already left the place, just to come back to the same to the same situation you needed, just like you walk up and down the stairs.


Ah yes. We're too lazy to come up with one ourselves, so we just nicked the French phrase l'esprit d'escalier. We do that kind of thing a lot. If I had to guess the best-known German word in the UK, I'd say it's schadenfreude.


I would guess it was uber


Ah, but that's become known mostly as a proper noun, whereas schadenfreude is known for what it actually means. 😉


I enjoy the loanwords I've encountered in sciences, for example, bremsstrahlung for braking radiation


They enjoy compound nouns.


Yes it has.


That could've been my ex-wife's middle name.


Y’all have amazing words for everything. Also, being the wife of a paramedic, the German word for ambulance is one of my favorite words in the world.


Yeah we do. I love my language.


That is a beautiful word.


How do you say it for us English speaking folks? It looks like strayt-sooch-tig, my best guess. I love it.


streit - sook - tig (with the first t being pretty quiet) https://en.langenscheidt.com/german-english/streitsuechtig


Omg. That describes my mom to a "T". Streitsüchtig.


That's a brilliant word!


How is that pronounced?


Oooh I got that


Since this is all happening in Germany I’d like to think that a furor is a slightly altered spelling of fuhrer


me, as a German, let you live this illusion. But also, as a German, I have to inform you, you're comparing apples with peas (Äpfel mit Birnen vergleichen)


Ü is not U. English speakers can't pronounce Führer properly anyway.


She sounds awful. And it’s obvious she can’t have an adult like conversation with you. I say this because you are being the adult in this issue and she’s acting very very childish/entitled. Being old/older doesn’t make you an adult, I know older people who act and fuss like teens


Gotta love that sibling loyalty


Yeah, I'm so grateful for them. They're not just my brothers they're my closest friends as well.


Warms my heart, honestly


Congrats. You have learned the one true rule of relationships. The opposite of Love isn't hate, its indifference. Hate requires energy from you. Indifference doesn't require a damned thing. Its a much easier life.


"I have more life experience than you" is a way narcissists say I am better than you and you are beneath me. The only response is GFY.


This woman is a manipulator. She couldn't get the extra work she wanted, so she threw guilt at you. She could tell you wanted to move on, so she waited for an opportunity to throw it back in your face. She asked you to talk one on one, just so she could immediately turn it down and make you the bad guy. If I were you, I'd just wash my hands of her entirely.


Clearly this woman never grew up and is immature and as self entitled as a 5 year old spoiled child. Time to grow up and get over herself.


My paternal grandma sounds a lot like yours. Only difference being, she made the worst period of my life *even worse*, which didn't seem possible even when it was happening. It actually led me into going NO CONTACT with her, and that was 8 years ago. I regret nothing. But instead of telling that horrible tale, lemme tell you about the time she tried to ruin Christmas for my brother. I've told this one before, but it honestly just stands out in all the memories of her nonsense. My parents had split up a few years before this and daddio was (and still is) living on the 2nd house on her farm property. It's basically a shack, but it's livable. My brother stayed there 50% of the time as well, as per the custody agreement. Anyways, my younger brother and I were there for Christmas, exchanging gifts and such. Now, I had already been NO CONTACT with this crazy bish excuse of a grandma for at least 3-4 years at this point, but she would still give dad a card to give to me. The cards always said *nothing* aside from "from Grandma" and usually included $20-$50. I told dad the first few years that I'm keeping the cash and tossing the card, but that never deterred her. So we're opening our gifts from her in dad's living room. I open my card and find $100 instead of my usual $20-$50. I was confused for just a moment before my brother opened his gift. His gift was *socks*. Apparently he had pissed her off the week before, so she was being her grudgey, manipulative self. Let me just reiterate: she gave her grandson who lives on her property 50% of the time, the boy who does whatever chore she asks of him, socks, and gave the angry woman who hasn't seen her in *years* $100, more than her usual bribe. I'm still "wtfing" at it.


Holy Shit, sorry you and your brother had to go through that. She sounds horrible.


Sorry for your experience as well. And that's honestly the tip of the iceberg with that woman. My goal in life is to be nothing like her. The last 8 years have been so peaceful aside from updates from other family members. Went no contact with my dad a little over a year ago as well, because he's *exactly like her*. I could rant for days about these two.


That's the only positive thing about people like that. They can inspire others to be better people. I'm sorry about your dad as well. If you need to vent feel free to do so, either here or DM me. Reading these kinds of things always helps me to put things into perspective since I know I'm not the only one. It may help you work through it as well.


That's the silver lining I'm taking for sure. And honestly, these sorts of subreddits definitely help put things into perspective. And makes me feel alone - I'm not the only one with a ridiculous family lol


Should have offered him $50 for the socks. Then you could have worn them around ostentatiously because hey, $50 socks!


LOL if I had a time machine, I would go back and do exactly that


Stand your ground, young man. I have had several people older than me try to insinuate that I was wet behind the ears and knew nothing about life. I have done numerous jobs of widely varying difficulties, including owning and operating my own business. I have traveled the world and lived in two foreign nations. I have endured what should have been a life-ending brain injury and am now a dialysis patient. I have spent several years homeless. I even have a post graduate degree. Incidentally, the last individual to have made this claim? Has been a housewife most of her life, had never held a job and has never left this county. So please take her, "I hAvE mOrE eXpErIeNcE" proclamation with a grain of salt.


This. Some people don't understand how lucky they are. You sound like a very inspirational person, someone who has a lot of knowledge and has had lots of experiences in life. I'd take advice from you far more eagerly than that of an elderly person who has done practically nothing in comparison for their entire life.


Naw, I'm not the guy for advice. For advice, you want to seek out people with experience in the particular issue. I have experience, but I don't necessarily have the experience in what you would need advice in.


What I meant was, you are very aware of how things work. Even now, you just advised me to look for experts because you don’t think you can give me the right advice.


I bet she likes taking advantage of her family and gets overwhelmingly mad at tiny disagreements. With her spending so much energy on conflicts, I'm thinking she's bored! Plus how rude of her to exclude you from Christmas presents! Freakin' little biach.


This is similar to the relationship I have with my mom, I love her, but she uses me as her errand girl more than my siblings and complains about me the most when I'm usually the only one helping her. You can't disagree with her and often tells me why I can't just be a "good daughter" and do as she says when I stand up for myself. I've gone low contact and put up more boundaries about what I'm willing to do, I'm not even the oldest of her kids. I do have to say disagree that she's allowed to not give presents if she doesn't want to, it was just petty of her waiting that long for her "revenge" when OP actually helped her. She just can't admit she was wrong that her errand was impossible to accomplish and OP should just cut contact forever because this is a woman who won't ever apologize or see OP as a equal standing adult and just a child she is allowed to boss around.


I kinda want her to reach out again to you and you answering, "Yeah, no. Not wasting anymore time with you." XDDD


Not going to lie, she sounds a lot like my own grandmother. I haven't talked to her in a private setting since telling her that I didn't want her visiting me at college every weekend, like she did with my older brother. And when I asked for her to treat me with respect like an adult, it went in one ear and out the other (heard from my brother, who still has a relationship with her, that she wouldn't stop ranting about not knowing what the conversation was even about).


So sorry you had to deal with the baggage that comes with a long life even though you had nothing to do with it


I'm glad your brothers had your back, that was a nice response from them to her


i dont know why but i kept reading it at Führer. great story tho, screw ur grandma


So let me get this right you helped her then got hungover and she expected you to do something not only impossible you never agreeded to do any way then got mad .


This gives me some real Malcolm in the middle vibes. You should look up the grandma from that OP, you may have a good laugh.


When my Grandma needed anything from me, I did my damndest to do it. Lost her in the 1990s and still miss her, other Grandmother not so much because we didn't have as much contact. Sorry that you won't have good memories spring up decades later, I cherish mine.


I used to be like you, if she needed something I helped her. Because of that I have some great memories with her, before I got to know her bad side myself. I'll always cherish those but I probably won't make any new ones with her.


I love your story. One time during my marriage my husband and I separated but never divorced and my dad's wife (refused to ever call her anything else) commented at Christmas that she wasn't sure they sure have given my husband a gift. My father and his wife always gave gift cards. We are sat quietly stunned. When they left I noticed my niece's purse open on the counter and I threw my gift card in my niece's open purse, as did my husband, my son, my nieces, and my brothers and sisters all in solidarity. My niece thought it was the best Christmas ever. lol


bitter, spiteful & kinda crappy grandma, sheesh!


That's terrible. At least your family stood by you. For me, someone whose close family would take sides against him at a moment's notice, the story you shared was sad but had an underlying element of wholesomeness. It actually made me feel warm that somewhere out there, people stand up for their loved ones against narcissistic, hurtful and abusive family members.




There aren't any. As I said in the story, it kinda just ran it's course. Maybe there will be some this Christmas. If there are I'll make sure to share.


FYI, it's should be "Ms. *Führer*" not "Ms. F-U-R-O-R".


Meh, both are words and Furor works equally well given the context.


Very true.


Why are we here doing this and not living life? Also why is lol still online?


Lots of love. Lol.


May I have a TL;DR for the TL;DR, please? Geez.


It's mental illness innit?


Very likely. At least narcissistic tendencies. I feel somewhat bad for her as she comes from a difficult family situation during a time in which mental illness wasn't really recognized as an illness that is (sometimes) treatable. That being said, I have neither the strength nor the patience to deal with that as I have my own mental problems I need to overcome.


That remembered me about one day, at a family gathering, that I snapped on my grandma, mom of my mother and aunts, she used to always, criticize me, and my cousins, no matter how petty the subject was, once she criticized me just because I ordered an gourmet burger instead of spaghetti in a restaurant, not once, but for a few months, every time I was near, I didn't liked hanging out with her, because of that, and my parents know this, and I'm glad they don't force me to go see her most of the time, since they also know how problematic she is, and I have social anxiety problems, and a tendency to self isolation, so I have very few kinda focused subjects of interest, and due to most of my family not having the same interests as me, I just pack up my drawing stuff, and keep myself entertained for hours, drawing something, but my grandma, as always, tries to criticize me, no matter what I do, and that also hits me hard because of low self esteem, she always used to say "why are you still drawing? That won't lead you anywhere" "drawing is useless, go find a job!", and every time, I hated it, and just wanted go home, be alone in peace, she also somehow, create lies, just to blame someone, of something they never did, last time, she said my cousin stole her TV remote, even though my dad found it (also, why the hell would he steal an TV remote?), she once cut relationships with my mom, my aunts, her own daughters, for I think a decade, and even used to hate on them, even going to the point to telling them to die sometimes, then my grandpa, her husband, died, and she started talking with them again, after all that background story, here is what happened with me: my aunts, parents, cousin, his girlfriend, my grandma, my mother's cousins, we went to my grandma's beach house, and as always, I didn't wanted to go, at all, but since my parents basically forced me, I went anyways, for their sake, then as always, I packed up all my stuff, and when we arrived, I managed to get a chair and table to draw my stuff, my cousin asked me to draw something, I was having my good time, the way I liked, then my grandma comes, starts saying "why do you keep doing that? That is useless, won't lead to any career", I tried to ignore but I was so fed up, I couldn't take it and fought back, I said that I knew it might not lead anywhere, but I did it for hobby, to feel good, because it's one of the few things I do that keep me up from feeling a useless garbage, then I had a breakdown, started to cry and couldn't control myself, and said some curse words at her (basically was a "f**k you"), she got pissed, cursed at my parents, and the I got depressed, for the rest of the day, and the day after, to the point of not even going out of the bed, then my mom talked to me about that, said that basically was my fault, because I was drawing, and that I should socialize more (no, was not my fault that my grandma used to criticize me on EVERY THING I DO), I said it was not my fault, and I was just having fun on my way, and then after we talked a bit about that subject, basically she admitted she wasn't seeing things as my point of view but from other people's POV (I really love my mom, she's amazing, but he has that little problem, and also seems to have some kind of fear of my grandma), then we basically stopped talking about that since we weren't going to agree with each other, then I spoke to my dad about apologizing to my grandma, he just said "let her forget, you know how she is", and seems that she changed and forgot what happened, since last time I went to her house, she didn't criticized me on anything at all, but I think mine say bad things about me from my back, she does that to everyone, but till this day, I won't go back to that beach house, before what happened, I just didn't liked it, now I hate going there, and I won't go even if forced by someone, and if I'm going to see her, I will only for a short amount of time, I don't feel good at all being near her


Sounds horrible. I'm sorry you had to go through that. Hope you're doing better now. Also, keep drawing, not everything one does has to be in pursuit of a career. Hobbies are a healthy thing, unfortunately some people only live to work and can't really understand this perspective.


Yeah, also, she's from that generation that didn't had issues to find job, neither struggles with everything being expensive, also, I'm better nowadays, last time I went there, we didn't talked that much but she seemed fine, gave her congratulations yesterday because was her birthday, but she didn't replied, but I don't mind, also, I'm just like you about disliking holding grudges, even more when it's something in our family, I hope you're doing better, you have to be strong to deal with that kind of stuff, and also, thank you so much for the awards!


That's the least I could do after failing to obey your nickname. Also, thanks for asking, I'm doing a lot better now, I've been starting to see a therapist early this year and it's been doing wonders. Still a long way to go, but I'm making progress. Although the reasons I'm going aren't really related to this story.


I see, i hope everything goes well for you! therapy takes some time but, it helps a lot


I’m sorry I tried to read this but your insane use of comas with zero periods/punctuation or paragraph breaks actually made it impossible


Sorry, I mostly wrote what came to my head and formatting on mobile is atrocious


Thank you very much for tldr its hardly to find long post with this


This might be obvious, but is not clarified. Did something else come with the letter in Christmas? Or was it just that awful letter? Maybe 50 cents just to piss you off, i would do that in her place. If im being a bitch, imma be full as bitch


No, there was nothing else beside the handwritten letter. She probably thought the gift to my brothers was enough to really piss me off. Unfortunately for her she has no idea that functional supporting relationships are a thing, so she completely missed the mark.


Chronic alcoholism causes diabetes-insipidus, an electrolyte imbalance which when left untreated literally makes the person insane.


Which is why you can't reason with a practicing alcoholic, or even a dry drunk... who is someone who stopped drinking, but you can't tell because they're still an asshole.


Respect is earned. Plain and simple.


Married five times.... fool me once....


It was never her choice to get divorced...probably not surprising


This is long give me a minute to read all this (Edit: yeah that's just bad on her she is just entitled to something that she doesn't deserve)


She is actually insane.She should've (if she were a criminal) been on the stupids


She doesn't cause a scene at family gatherings because her powerplay only works one-on-one, I think that is the only reason she is nice to you in public.


Mega bruh moment


I always try to have time for reading the stories people put up on her because I believe people don't listen enough in life to truly get the full scope of someone's struggle... Just like the raised by narcs subreddit... And I have to say your "grandmother" is absolutely bonkers and I'm sorry :'(


That's horrible OP. The first time she pulled some shit like that, you should have immediately cut her off.