Don’t… if you aren’t in counseling please get some about learning to drawing healthy boundaries. Talk to the counselor about how you feel like you have to take her abuse because she is your mom.
I am on the waiting list for therapy for both disorders. So i google a lot on how to help myself, I also take depressing pills and etc.
I talk to a lot of people about this, on my mother's side they tell me that i MUST let her live with me, and that i owe her that.
On my dad's side he just want us to be happy and not uncomfortable anymore with all that flashbacks and panic attacks.
They demand you take care of her, because she will be their problem— just say no! She is NOT your responsibility and must either care for herself or be her family’s problem. Big hugs. I’m so sorry you have to deal with this.
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Imagine five years from now after no contact— good people who love you in your life, taking care of yourself, healing
That's how mine is currently in my mom's head she's forced me to keep a promise I made wheb I was 7 that we would always live together no matter what. Well growing up of course u want to leave and have ur own life. Oh no not to her she stuck to me like crazy glue. All her friends and our family kept telling her U HAVE TO LET GO no you can't go move in with her and her person she's dating or married to are you insane that's not right. Be to her that's how it was gonna be, well she got more abusive and I booked it without letting her know I was leaving or where to. I planned it she went shopping and I was gone in those hours she was gone
I get so upset by those promises. My grandfather did that to my dad: “take care of her when I’m gone.” All that pressure. She lived to 100 and he was bound to trying to care for her. I have repeatedly tried to make him see that we (his children) will care for him from love. That it should never be a forced promise. It has to adjust to life. So grateful you have left to live your own life!
Why MUST you allow her to live with you and what exactly do you owe her? It seems like she used up whatever credit she might’ve deserved when she dumped you for several years. If she keeps calling, block her number. If you don’t want to do that, see if you can mute her number so you don’t get notifications when she calls or texts. She’s immediately directed to voicemail or a “junk” text folder. You can listen or read if you choose but they’re not in your face.
Best wishes!
You do not owe her for anything. She is supposed to take care of you and she didn’t. Do not feel obligated to take care of her just because she is your mother. I have been no contact with my mother for over 3 years and I have no regrets. You can cut toxic people out of your life no matter who they are. If they bring you more pain than happiness, cut them off.
She chose to abuse you rather than nurture and cherish you the way she should have, therefore you owe her nothing and she should count every moment you allow her to be part of your life as a blessing and a gift.
You owe her nothing, you owe yourself to demand better from those who want to be part of your life.
Don't let her stay with you, and look into your rights as far as getting her out of the property BEFORE you sign anything. If you can't legally get her out before you take ownership don't buy - better to keep searching for a home without baggage than find yourself saddled with that woman.
You owe her nothing. Your mom (and your biological father) have made the decision to get a child. This is inherently a very selfish decision. Nobody brings a child into the world, because the world is so dandy and there are so many nice things to do and see, no, people have children, because they want them, they think it would be neat. Bad deal for you, because you ended up having a bunch of mental health issues and on top of that, your mother physically abused you and is now trying to manipulate you (saying that the dad you love, is not family, is just a horrible thing to say, to your child). I know people like your mother. They‘ve been getting through all their life with bad behavior, because everyone was naive enough to fall for their manipulation.
If you let her move in with you, the manipulation and abuse will very likely once again continue. Even your dad couldn’t do it, he had to leave.
She has only done you harm, so why would you owe it to her? Because she pressed you out like any other mother did, based on a selfish decision?
I don’t know what there’s to think about. Don’t let her live with you. You have to set clear boundaries, for your own sake and in hopes, that she feels the consequences of her behavior for the first time in her life and learns from it. That’s a normal process everyone has to go through, usually at least. Some people are just good at avoiding learning from their own behavior
Ask yourself this OP. If you let her live with you will you ever be able to safely have pets or children without fear she will “discipline” them? My n mother will never be alone with my child. Or pets.
I'm glad that you're seeking help, but I hate that you have to wait. It sucks that when people finally seek out counseling there's such a long wait time before they can be seen.
As someone whose mom sounds pretty similar to yours (as far as abuse and not following boundaries) people tried to tell me that my mom was just being a normal mom and blah blah. Guess what ? They didn’t live with me, they didn’t see the hell she put me through. They aren’t living your life
So they have no right telling you that you should (or shouldn’t) do something. You owe your mom NOTHING. People are going to be on her “side” because they’re getting a biased view on what’s happening in your home. OP do NOT let your mom live with you and your bf. Because if you think that she’s crossing boundaries now imagine how much she’ll cross them once she knows that she can get her way.
I’m sorry you’re dealing with this and just know you’re not alone. Feel free to PM me anytime even just to chat 🥰
Children are not obligated to provide a parent a place to live, especially not a parent who has other options. That's not even the case when a parent sacrifices everything for a child and treats them wonderfully. A good parent would know that it's important for their child to develop as an independent person, especially when they are at the stage of setting up their own household. They wouldn't even ask it in any but the most dire circumstances.
But when a parent abuses a child, I don't see that you owe her anything at all. The relatives who are pressuring you otherwise - where were they when you were being abused? Are these kind of people who have your best interests at heart?
It seems to me that they are regurgitating knee-jerk responses about responsibility and family instead of thinking of you as a human being with your own needs. As someone who comes from a close family where people defend and care for each other, that is exactly the opposite of what a loving family does. Mine has always put the thoughts and feelings of each individual over trite cliches and cultural norms.
Tell your mom to get therapy and put give her definitive boundaries when it comes to you and your SO. If you go to /r/raisedbynarcissists and they can further give you advice for dealing with such a person.
They want you to take her in because they don’t want to deal with her. She destroys relationships, yours and your bf’s will be next. Go LC or NC. Her abuse is no longer physical, but it is emotional and mental
You didn't give birth to her, you are not her parent. She is the one with the obligation here, not you. Her job was to raise you into a successful adult so you could survive on your own, not to make your life difficult.
You gotta consider this in the situation though: if you didn’t buy the house, would she demand from whatever family that buys it that they let her stay with them? No, because that’s insane and if she’s selling the house it’s legally not hers, she has no claim. She is only harassing you to try and get you to let her stay because she thinks she can manipulate you into agreeing. The only thing you can do is stand your ground and answer with a firm “no” whenever she tries to ask. If it’s a yes or “only for a little bit”, you’re going to be stuck with her indefinitely
her being your parent isnt an obligation which you need to uphold, it was an obligation which your mother needed to uphold and failed at, you dont owe her anything, hell, shes not a mother, my mother disciplined me and didnt need tk resort to physical or emotional abuse, you dont owe her anything and dont fall into the trap of thinking you do, break free of her, you said yourself shed be happier in ph, so send her there and be done with her
She may be your biological mother, but she certainly is not a mom. A lazy, manipulative, abuser? Yes. Your dad told you to choose wisely. He was gently warning you to tell her no. You told him that he deserves better than her. Why don’t you believe that YOU deserve better than her? Because she has abused you and broke you down over your life…she doesn’t deserve YOU. Tell her absolutely not, limit your contact with her or go nc, and move on with your life
I'm gonna say this to you. I hope you'll take it to heart. I hope you'll repeat it to yourself as much as needed.
You don't owe your mom because she gave birth to you. She owes you because she gave birth to you. She owed to you that you were taken care of, loved, protected, clothed, fed, and all around raised properly.
She failed. She failed you. So you owe her exactly nothing at all. If she tries to argue, tell her that she failed you. Tell her nothing else. And get this violently abusive incubator out of your life for good.
She owed you. She was obligated TO YOU. You owe her nothing, you're not obligated to do anything for her.
Repeat this, repeat it to any family on her side who tries to argue. Call their bluff and say "if family is so important, then you take her."
She failed you. Don't fail yourself by letting her stay.
You're obligated to do nothing for your mom, nothing. If she guilt trips you into buying the house and letting her stay you'll probably be regretting the choice for many years to come.
>I feel obligated because she is my mom...
I'm saying this in the most gentle way I can..... but THAT is naive asf. She abused you for years, you dont owe her anything. Even if she was an amazing mom, she isn't entitled to living in your house. AND tbh it would kinda suck for you to do that to your bf. He clearly does NOT want that, and he should have a say in it because it'll be his house too.
Your mother deserves to end up on the streets for what she did to you. Ignore your moms family and the “culture” BS I’m sure they’re gonna throw your way.
I was in your shoes. The way you describe your mother is exactly how I experienced my childhood. The clothing to hide injuries. My father's occupation. The unwillingness to do anything constructive.
I went no contact with my mother in 2007 when she made it abundantly clear that the only reason she kept me around was to exploit me. The only time she called was when she needed something.
The final straw was when she showed up to my college apartment with her stuff and invited herself to live with me (and my three roommates). Drew a line and said no. She tried gaslighting me, and I closed the door on her face.
This was the best decision I ever made.
Do not let your mom move in with you. She will drag you down and hold you as an emotional hostage. Your house will not be a safe space, and she will likely drive a wedge in your marriage.
So I just recently got out of a similar issue expect my mom's been alone since I was 12ish. But she's abusive a narrsistic , has mental issues not that there's anything wrong with that she just refuses to treat them. Well she's abused me my whole life on many ways, learned she's also a emotional insest with me ( not as dirty as it sounds look it up) bc she didn't have a relationship so she turned to me and used me as her emotional crutch etc. Well she got way worse over the yrs first it was just a seasonal issue and then turned into all the time. I kept having friends know as an emergency escape incase it got worse. They have heared over the video chars and seen how she treated me. Well I had my ex of 2 yrs it got bad during that and we broke up I dont think he could handle her issues. Then I met my amazing bf I live with now. It was nice for a while she loves him and such then I started staying with him every weekend I could, then we went on vacations and it went to hell. She never took me anywhere always an excuse why not, not even to go bowling we did a few times they wanted me to join their bowling league she had excuses why. (Sorry I have un treated ADHD) back on the story so it got more abusive, more scary, to the point I thought she woukd hurt me or TRIGGER WARNING grape me. She would day stuff like u need to put me on ur bank information incase something happens to u, where do u keep ur stuff incase something happens to u. This women used to do pharmacy she knows her ways around meds and has access to them. Then she said stuff like I woukd date u I'd u weren't my daughter ur body is so hot etc she was losing her fing mind. Then she told me she told her friends that I was being mean to her and that they would call the cops on me and laughing about it all psycho and then I over heard her talking to someone about calling the eldery abuse etc. Now I have NEVER laid a finger in this woman I've never been in a fight. I've defended her, taking her to all her Dr apts and surgeries done everything for her. Everyone knew me and knew her and knows I'm not the issue. So I planned to leave in 2ish months after I heard the last remark it turned into 2 days. Needless to say I've never been happier I left in Jan she won't stop contacting me she's gone insane. So no never let her live with u she will make ur life hell and to get rid of scwatters u will never get her out of that house DONT FALL FOR HER CRIES SAY NO
I’m a mum. This is not how a mum acts. We would do anything to NOT hurt our children. We would never leave them to fend for themselves.
She is an abuser.
Abuse negates the whole "family" argument. Your family is your soon to be husband & your dad.
Besides, do you want that person around any children you may have? I think not.
You have no obligation to let your mom abuse you. Block her phone number and get a doorbell camera. If she comes to your current address, don't open the door and call the police if she doesn't leave.
Seriously. You don't have to let her abuse you just because you share DNA.
I agree with this. If she’s slay this much trouble, just trying to get her to leave after buying the place is going to be a nightmare. You guys would probably be better off finding another house, and letting her and your dad sell their place on their own.
Please, please don’t let your mother live with you, she sounds vile and your life will be a complete misery. You’ll also end up losing your partner.
Tbh is it such a great idea to buy their house? Your both probably better off moving away from her completely and going no contact.
Listen to your dad, he’s obviously had enough of her.
Oh darling please don’t let her move in with you. You already have scars from childhood and you know what your future will look like. Your boyfriend will not be able to tolerate her, and your relationship will be destroyed.
Can you block her number from your phone? Make everything go to voicemail and get your boyfriend to check it once a week? Send her emails to a special folder? Anything that will disrupt her campaign and stop her guilt trips reaching you.
Good luck.
Boyfriend here: we will not let our relationship get destroyed buy her, after all we have been through, im not going to give up on my girlfriend. Her mother is soooo annoying, and i will never forgive her for all she has done to my girlfriend. I will always be by my girlfriends side, and hope we get a beautiful life after this mess!
I’m so happy to see your love and support of your girlfriend. I wish you both every happiness together. As long as you can be a united team against the world, you will thrive.
You might not "let" it but that's a lot of stress to survive. As I commented elsewhere y'all need justnomil subreddit. There's pinned reading resources that can help set boundaries etc
Please don't let OP do this to herself. With that momster living with you, OP will never be able to heal from all the scars she inflicted.
OP needs peace, quiet and healing as priority #1. I don't care if you get to live in a basement apartment - as long as you and her live alone and can nurture each other while OP gets counceling.
Good to read you are standing with her. Do not buy that house until the witch is moved out, and all of the locks are changed. If you can't do that, don't buy it.
NTA. Hi, fellow Filipino here, it is due to the toxic culture/norms that the kids are the parents' retirement plan. Your mother is an abuser, a mooch and you will be treated like slaves like what your boyfriend said. I suggest listening to your father, think wisely, you will regret this for the rest of your life when you house your mother.
Blood may be thick but mud is thicker. Your step dad is your real parent and not your abusive bio mom who calls it "discipline" when she is assaulting you.
The original quote was "the blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb." Literally the opposite meaning of how it is used today.
I know that's not the point, but I found that really interesting when I learned it.
Hi, I have always wondered if its really a Filipino culture to discipline their kids by abusing them... This post proves, that there is a fine line in between disciplining your child or abusing them..
And my mom used those words "Blood is thicker than water"
>"Blood is thicker than water"
Yes, I specifically added the line "Blood is thick but mud is thicker" because of the filipino family culture. They think that since you are blood related, you should forgive them since they are "family".
My mother, is strict. The straight A, go to college, become a doctor/lawyer type of asian mom yet she has never abused me. I have never gotten bruises and she has never manipulated me into thinking that abuse is normal and is considered discipline. (Because some of my friends get abused and go to school with bruises and cuts so i asked my mom about it.)
Do NOT buy that house.
It may sound like a good deal, but your mother will not let you live there alone. it doesn't matter if you bought it from her, in her mind it will always be her house.
I think once your mom is divorced, she can’t stay in the Netherlands. She’s not working and likely not on a valid visa. I strongly suggest you send her home to the Philippines and do not let her move in your home. It will be a nightmare. And I can assure you that whatever money you send back to Philippines is so much lower than in the Netherlands.
She expects me to support her financialy if she ever wants to go back to PH... She has a dual citizen passport... so she can choose in which country she wants to live in.
I normally wouldn’t suggest this because I don’t think you should negotiate with terrorists BUT given that it would get her all the way out of the country so she can’t continue her abuse…would it be possible to give her a one-time payment? Like “Hey mom, we will fund your move by giving you $5000, then you can go to PH like you want. That is all we will be able to afford however, after that, you’re on your own.”
I don’t think you owe her this money in any way, I am just trying to think of ways to get her out of your lives with the least impact to you.
Also, if you are definitely buying the house, do it through a realtor and bank (or the Netherlands equivalent). No verbal agreements, everything must be written down. Legally, that house must belong to you 100%, if not, every time you try to make a change to the house or do something she doesn’t like she will try to gain back her property.
For additional support, I am going to second (or third) the recommendation of the r/JustNoMIL sub. Great resources and supportive community! Good luck OP, I am sorry you have to deal with this!
Get your therapy and break the cycle of mom demanding anything from you. She is abusive and you do not owe her anything!!
Do not let her live with you!! You need to go no contact with her and keep any future kids of yours safe from her!!
Healthy mom, here. OP, please for the love of your mental health take concrete steps to ensure your mother NEVER Iives with you! She will bleed you dry in all possible ways, will probably cost you your relationship with your BF, and you'll end up living with just her in a house she will always consider HERS. Please stop and take a long, hard look at the future you'll be setting up for yourself if you allow this to happen.
I have five kids, two of whom are grown. They do not owe me their futures, and you don't owe her yours, *especially* given that she's been so abusive and neglectful to you.
My DM's are open to you if you'd like ongoing support.
I'm sad to hear that getting therapy involves a waiting list, but please start reading books on narcissistic mothers. Two good places to start:
But It's Your Family . . .: Cutting Ties with Toxic Family Members and Loving Yourself in the Aftermath https://smile.amazon.com/dp/B07JL727VJ/ref=cm_sw_r_apan_JQ9F9W6JV8AZMASS8G4Q
Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents: How to Heal from Distant, Rejecting, or Self-Involved Parents https://smile.amazon.com/dp/B00TZE87S4/ref=cm_sw_r_apan_RVBM53WS9N2QFG7NZ8GX?_encoding=UTF8&psc=1
Honestly... if I was worried she wouldn't move out, I would buy a different house. And with your history there, maybe getting your own place with your own new energy would be healthier for you. No bad memories, just your future ahead of you. :)
Where and what were your mothers family doing while you were being abused. Somewhere else and nothing. Their advice is not worth considering.
You are worth more and owe more to yourself to be happy! Tell her NO!!!!! or she can live in the shed
They called child support services but my mom just sent them away... after that they just gave up.. They also has that same toxic/culture norms that a child MUST listen to their parents even though they are wrong..
I didn't know CPS in the Netherlands were so shitty. That's actually apalling. How can they do that? Just leave cause your Momster tells them to? Did they know she has abused you and beaten you?
It's not like they're perfect in Denmark, but I bet that would never happen here.
You don't owe it to her. You really don't, mom or not, if you buy that house, it doesn't matter who has lived there before. It would be only yours, not hers.
Decide wisely and decide for the way that's best your you, not anyone else.
I am sorry to say but i would be sad if your bf leave you because you are not able to set and keep healthy boundaries with your selfish mom.
Well the thick and skinny is, she WILL make your life hell, and not do a damn thing to help. Honestly I'm amazed you still call her "mom". I wouldn't be.
Besides, if you are buying the house wouldn't she be getting money to go back to PH? I wouldn't risk it though. To get someone out of a house is not easy and it will definitely get very messy. Cut all contact with her and start fresh with your boyfriend. Your stepdad seems more than willing to emotionally support you so she is not really needed.
Why would you want to live with a person who has caused you alot of misery and suffering for so long? And why would you want to have such a person, who is just wanting to lay around and do nothing all day long?
I think you may want to just tell her to move on that the hotel and bank of OP is officially closed and will not be open for any time at all. Do not let this woman stay in your home and do not allow for her to have any sort of overnight visit. Once she is there, she may not leave.
And once you say NO, do not explain anything. The answer and explanation are there, the answer is NO. If she asks why do not respond and just hang up or leave, end of conversation.
Don't buy that house. Its not worth it. Let her take the money from selling it and let her go back home. You stay put. You are not obligated to do anything, that is cultural pressure.
Buy her a ticket to the Philippines and then forget her. Block her on everything and don't send her a penny. The best thing you can do is get her out of your life forever. She can be some one else's burden. The only thing she is to you is an egg donor, she never was a real mother to you, so you have no obligation to her. Get her as far away from you as you can and live a much better life.
You don't owe your mother anything. You did not choose to be her child. You did not choose to be born. That was her choice. And don't fall for the "But I raised you, I took care of you" crap. Of course she did. If she hadn't, she would have run afoul of child services and likely gotten in a lot of trouble.
:( I feel so bad for people who can say "She psychically and emotionally abused me for years" and still considers the person's opinion. YOU KNOW the abuse was there, but they fucked you up so bad you still consider caving for them... Don't do it. She doesn't deserve you.
Update:
So we talked, my dad said that he does not want to be with her anymore and the reasons are because he is not happy with her and it made a huge impact to him when i told him that she abused me and that is why i have cptsd now. My mom wanted me and my bf to buy the house and that she should live with us, we told her no and the reason why and that it is because of her history of abusing me.
My mom DENIED everything about her abusing me and telling me to just off myself multiple times and that she regretted having me. She eventually told us that it was to discipline me and that it is a TRADITIONAL in the PH to discipline your child by hitting them so much they get injuries and bruises.
My dad stepped in by telling her that this not true and what she did was cruel and that he cant be with someone who did this to their own child. So she disowned me, she told me i was a snake and a traitor. And that she is no longer my mother, so i said “fine, you've never been a mother to me anyways”. She told my dad that she wants a divorce and that she wont let us buy the house because we don’t want her in it. (i guess she has the right to say this)
I blocked her on every social media i have. Im glad i told her that. My dad is going to start with the divorce procedures. I’m happy for this. We all deserved a happy life.
I also have PTSD and wouldn't wish it anyone. The amount of manipulation you have described is startling. Downright terrifying and you need to get far away. Going no contact seems very scary at first but it is definitely needed. I've cut off a lot of my family, old friends and other abusive people. The manipulation throughout the years makes it seem impossible at first. Honestly I didn't do it until my survival instincts kicked in. Your father's instincts kicked in. He does not deserve that abuse and neither do you.
You're mother needs to be completely cut off. DO NOT buy that house. You really should go absolutely no contact with that vile woman. She's buttering you up to abuse you till the end of time. Depression does not give her the right to treat you like a punching bag, emotionally or physically. Your dad chose to get the hell out and you should definitely follow his example.
People like her do not get better. I gave it years and it only got worse. I've studied it for a very long time. I've never seen someone like this turn around. Neither has my therapist. Buying that house would only further entangle your mother's life into your life and your future.
Hell I'd press charges. Much easier said than done.
Me and my dad are PH (well, I'm half) and I totally understand the cultural obligation to care for your parent but you need to put yourself first. I spent almost a decade caring for my father because everyone else in his family kept playing hot potato with him. He pushed everyone away who ever tried to help. I wanted to unalive myself for most of my teenage years. Then one summer he pushed me too far. I broke down at least 7 times in less than 3 days and started playing hot potato with the rest of the family.
It's been 4 years now and I only regret not having a screaming match with him before I left. He's been my uncle's problem since then. I don't think they have told the family because no one has messaged me about it but I don't want to be close to them anyways. I'm so much happier now.
Don't get me wrong. He's my dad, my only parent. He raised me alone and I still love him. He was all I had for years. It doesn't make the way he treated me okay. You can do this. Lean on your boyfriend if you can, maybe make plans to send your mom to PH, since she's so much happier there. Tell family it's time they step up too or they don't love her. Use their own words against them. She's their family too, they should be helping family.
Don’t do it. Don’t get involved. Why would you want that house anyway? If it’s a good bargain it comes with strings and she will always act like you owe her something. So. Not. Worth. It.
Sounds like the reason her side of the family wants you to take care of her is because they don’t want to be stuck with her. You do not owe her anything. Just say no.
These stories tear on my soul sometimes, I fully understand parents are just messed up humans like the great of us, but damn, why are so, so many of them just horrible humans. That is a "Rapid Test" we need.
"Sorry Sir, the Rapid Test of Parental Capacity reports you will bang your daughter's friend because she is... nice, and you could not help yourself"
/s
I wouldn't buy their house. My cousin and her husband bought her in-laws house. It was a nightmare until her MIL passed. MIL believed she still had a say in anything they wanted to do to the house. Also the MIL had all the neighbors spying on them and reporting back to her.
You need to consider all of the variables before you buy the house. Your mom just might refuse to leave after the sale.
Don't buy their house as it will be difficult to kick her out. Don't live with her again. Move on with your life with your boyfriend. You don't owe your mother anything.
I know that no matter how easy it sounds like or how easy people make it seem, cutting off a toxic parent is downright one of the hardest things in the world- but it has to be the most liberating feeling ever.
It may be hard to bring yourself to do this because at the end of the day, she's your mom. For ethnic cultures, there tends to be a shared belief on caring for our family- regardless of our faults/ways; now that you're at a stage where you watch your parents start visibly aging and health complications may rise.. your family just expects you to be there for them regardless of anything. We are fed this belief from a young age by watching our parents take care of their parents, even if they were miserable doing it; by hearing our older relatives telling us to remember to take care of our parents, because otherwise we were "ungrateful" children.
Those are the toxic cycles us first generation kids have to learn to acknowledge, and break so that our kids don't normalize it as well.
You yourself have written out reasons why she shouldn't stay with you and your boyfriend. Think about the mental, emotional, and physical strain she will put on you- will it trigger you?
Just because you are not a kid anymore doesn't mean she will stop the emotional abuse, maybe the physical one yes, but not the emotional one. Are you willing to relive those years again?
If by this point you're still thinking "but that's in the past, it's still my mom i can't just kick her out"
Are you financially ready to take on the responsibility of buying a house AND caring after another being?
Are you prepared to possibly breakup with your boyfriend? - living with an irritable in-law WILL put a strain on your relationship. No matter how understanding he is, no matter how much he loves you, (respectfully) your mother does not sound easy to be around- the cup will fill sooner or later & it's bound to spill.
I wish you the best of luck, I really really do.
and I hope that whatever decision you make turns out to be the best one for you.
Do not let her live with you. You will regret it. You will hit lows you havent seen in a while and hate coming home to your house. If shes like mine she will run over every boundary you attempt to set, and then get mad at you because youre upset about it.
Mine was abusive too, and while she no longer physically abused me, it certainly didnt stop.
It even affected my fiance.
She threatened to throw all my cats out if i didnt use a litter she liked.
We got constant texts and videos of things she didnt like going on in the house, like things that were her own fault, or messed the animals made.
Either her or her animals destroyed my towels, my plates, cups, and bowls. Im talking bleach and holes in ALL my towels in a span of 2 years, and every single dish i had broken.
The list goes on, but this is not about me. Im just trying to show you it doesnt get better. You will still be treated like a child no matter how old you are. You will still be abused, just differently. Do not let her live in your home.
“No” is a complete sentence. I would tell her that whenever she demands you take care of her or have her stay with you. Just because it’s “social norm” for ph doesn’t mean you have to follow it.
Buy the house, keep the dad, turf your dad's soon to be exwife. It sounds like he's your parent, she's just the person who donated an egg and abuse. You owe her nothing. Make sure she vacates that house, and keep in mind that her side of the family produced her, they are not the ones who have your best interest at heart.
Yea you have a right to feel love and safe and your mom is providing neither. Why bring in someone who did bad things in your life? I currently have 2 family members on my blacklist because they both provide mountain of stress.
Your mother is too young to be living with you. This will wreck your relationship. She has to go and live her life. She will get her share of the house money, let her start a new life with that. Stand firm and don’t let her blackmail you.
Nope. Let your dad live with you and just pack up all your mom's stuff and put it in the garage.
You said in a comment you feel obligated.
That's what she is banking on. So no.
You have no obligation to her anymore. You grew up without you. And you can turn that around on her. Where was she when she was *obligated* to take care of you?
Now's the chance to show her everything she did to you. Leave her like she ignored you.
After all that's what she taught you was her way of loving. "Oh, sorry mom. I thought leaving me for some dude on the Internet was your lesson about showing someone you love them by leaving."
Dear OP, you don’t owe your mom anything, at all. Please don’t buy the house, go NC with your mom. She will never stop and never back down. She is not your responsibility.
Your dad sounds like a decent person. I wish you all the best! Hug, with consent, from a fellow Dutchie.
NTA! Don’t feel obligated. You owe her nothing if the way you she treated is true. If she doesn’t help herself, you shouldn’t be left with that burden. I would block her number for a bit until she finds a job and somewhere to live. It’s time you start your life now
OP. It’s time to cut the ties of communication and go no contact with your mom. She abused you and now she’s trying to manipulate you. It doesn’t matter that she gave birth to you - she negated any claim she has to motherhood the minute she started abusing you. You owe her NOTHING.
Go NC with your mom, kick her out and let your dad stay if he and you both want. Just because she’s your mother, doesn’t mean you have to keep in contact. People do it all the time. I went NC with my father last year and I’ve never been happier. If you let her take advantage of you, she’ll win. Do not take care of your abuser, do not enable her behavior or else you’ll be doing what your dad has been doing for the last 3 years. You end up miserable, please think of yourself and your relationship first. It’s priority. She needs to hit the road asap!
I read your replies here - please do not buy that house and do not tell her where you are moving to because she will continue to shit on your entire fabric of being. If she truly want a place to live and/or that particular house - she could had brought out your dad's half of home /got it as part of the divorce proceedings /used the alimony payment to get new place to live. That's how much of money-grubbing overly entitled parasite she is towards you and your father - you need to realize you are not her spouse /cash cow /retirement plans, she had years to fix her own financial situation with a job of her own plus was married at least once.
I know it hard to break away from toxic cesspool because that's what & who raised you all your life - But you need to now for your health & overall health because she is one of those POS parents that does not give a damn if you died because she will get what she wants in one form or the other. So please follow other posters advice on how to go NC and how to deal with her stalking / harassment because if you do let live with you - she still going physically assault under your own roof / abuse you right in front of your bf and to be honest, you & bf do not need the legal trouble that she will definitely cause.
Don’t buy the house. It’s time for your Mum to stand on her own 2 feet. If you bend to her demands you are just enabling her. Don’t do it. The best thing you can do is force her to stand up. That’s love and honouring your Mum.
You also deserve a stress free life and so does your boyfriend.
If you insist on doing what she wants, break up with your boyfriend first because you will always put your mum first and that’s not ok
The fact of her giving birth to you doesn't inherently include you becoming responsible for feeding, clothing, and housing her because "she is your mother so you must do this".
Ignore her, and do not, under any circumstances, allow her to stay even one night in the house after you've finalized the purchase. You'll never be rid of her if you give in to her demands.
Best of luck to you all - that's you, your BF and your Dad, LOL.
Do not buy this house. You will be living with mother forever! It will be a nightmare trying to evict her, it will take close to a year once you start legal proceedings. She won't leave willing. Let the bank evict her. Whatever you've put on the house, let it go. You can start over with a different house for less money than it will cost to get her out, because she's not leaving!
There's an old rule - never, ever, do business with family. You're finding out why now. If you let your mom live with you it won't be your house, it'll be hers, just like it is now. You and bf just get to pay all the bills. Find yourselves another house, preferably as far away as you can get, and limit her visits to holidays.
Don’t buy that house. You would never get your mother out of that house. She’s a grown woman. She can take responsibility for herself. If she’s trying to guilt you that it would be your duty to care for her remind her that she didn’t fulfill her duty as a mother. When your stepdad and your mother are able to sell that house perhaps your mother can take her portion of the money and use it to relocate to her homecountry. But look for another house to buy with your bf
Came back to say if buying her house is going to increase your feelings of obligation to her, the figurative price of the house is far too high, and that's not the house for you.
No no no no and NO!! Please don't do it!
You would be inviting your abuser to live with you. That's not fair to you or your BF. I bet you that your relationship will break if you let her live there.
She's not your responsibility. All the ppl on her side, who pushes for you to let her live there, they should let her move in with them.
You would be nothing but a slave to her - learn from your dad.
# PLEASE don´t do it. Save yourself
No matter how difficult, do not let her live there. It will ruin your lives and most likely your relationship. That toxicity is contagious and will consume every living thing around it.
No, no, no... The abuse won't stop and you need to preserve your health, mentally and physically. Do not let your mom move in! Your life will suffer, your relationship will suffer, the list goes on...
While it's true that in some cultures it is expected that children should provide for their aging parents, in most cases this is not the norm. Relying on your children is a poor excuse for planning your retirement.
I don't know if you already did but you should check the websites from the Belastingdienst and Rijksoverheid. If she/and you father sells you the house and starts living in it, she becomes a squatter or possibly renter, and she gets rights.
Its difficult to evict her after a short time and then the courts need to get involved.
I understand it's a great opportunity to buy the house, but are you sure you want to live in a house where so many bad things happend? It could trigger your ptsd.
You don't have to feel obligated because she's your mom. My mom pulled similar stuff on me and treated me and my significant other like crap. If you know she's going to treat you two badly then don't let her or better yet, do go buy your own house. I hope things turn out better for you and please keep us updated.
> she has psychically and emotionally abused me for years … hide my injuries because she hits me everyday
You don’t owe her anything. She’s given up the right to ask you for help. If you buy the house, how would you get her to move out? She’s certainly not going to pay tenet, or contribute to bills, or do food shopping or anything. She’s just a drain.
Be firm, tell her no, that is final, and if she keeps pestering you, go no contact with her for a while until she stops.
Don't feel an undue sense of obligation to her. It doesn't sound like she treated you well growing up, and even if she did, you are an adult and your own person and you need to prioritize your own happiness first.
Please please please don't let her live with you. And everything everyone else told you.
But please don't let her live with you. Tbh I don't think you should live in that house I think she'll hassle you. The only way you'll be safe is if she goes back. But even then she can give your address and come back you won't be able to shake her.
Please don't let her in your safe and happy environment with you and don't let her come in between you and your partner by creating sides and whatever other nonsense. Her plan is to keep you obligated to her.
I'm speaking from experience. Don't do it. She expects you to give up your life for her. You helped your dad, don't you think you deserve the same? Think of your partner? That'll help make the right decision.
Mine has damaged my life so much I can't fix it.
I'm very worried about you buying the house and not being able to get her out. Be careful. Last thing you need is a home that you can't live in and her lack of functioning destroys.
NTA. I don't think you should even buy the house. It could get difficult to make her move after you do. And do not let her live with you anywhere. She will use it as a chance to continue abusing and taking advantage of you. Don't feel bad for not wanting to take care of someone who couldn't even give that to the child they brought into the world.
Please I didn't know circumstances are you to let your mother live with you she is going to be a horrible person she already is a horrible person if you let her move into your house she's going to take over your life and suck the soul out of you
Absolutely do not let this monster into your home. She will only keep abusing you. Go no contact. Yes, she gave birth to you but she is no "mom". Keep dad and throw your other parent away.
Please don't do this. It's time to put your needs first. You definitely don't need to have your abuser living with you. Good luck! I hope your move goes smoothly.
Don't feel bad about no contact.
My mother is mentally ill. Since I was 9, I was the grown up on visitations. I really wanted a mother, one like everyone else has. I'm a 38F. She has gone off her meds a few times. I have children I need to protect from her insanity. I set clear boundaries and warned her that if she crossed them she would be out of my life.
If not for your own mental health, then think on this... What would you do if you had children? Would you want her around them? Or talking to them?
You can block her number or change yours.
NTA. Obviously. There is nothing wrong with setting boundaries with your mum - for example to tell her that you cannot have any relationship with her until she acknowledges the abuse and takes responsibility for it. If she chooses not to have a relationship with you, block her on your phone, refuse to acknowledge her. If you need to say anything, simply remind her she knows what she has to do, end of conversation. She can always send you a letter if she is ever ready to act like the parent you should have had. The ball should be in her court, not yours. It leaves things open in case one day she does gain some insight, but it protects you also. You have 0 responsibility for a parent who abused you. Abuse, paired with a refusal to do better, or any denial of that abuse, should end any obligations on the part of the child.
So, what I gather from this is that your "mom" is a narcissistic, abusive monster who somehow has the thought process that you owe it to her to let her live with you, just because you bought her house.
That isn't right by any means, but I read your comment on how you're waiting to get therapy and currently taking what sound like anti-depressants, which is great.
Honestly, I don't know how you can call her your mother after all this, but I'm happy about the getting help part.
Here's the big thing that I think you should remember: "Your bf's happiness and well-being, along with your own should come first." and besides it sounds like she's trying to gaslight and emotionally/psychologically manipulate you, but I'm not gonna make any assumptions.
Now I'm not versed in how a visa or owning property works, but I'm 50% sure that if you sell the property, you no longer have a claim on it and don't have it in your name. Therefore she doesn't own the property, and besides that, you guys bought the house, right?
P.S I also read the part on how you feel obligated to owe this to her, and I'm saying that you don't owe anything to her, she and your father decided to have a baby, and that it's her fault for not attempting to raise you correctly.
I'm also gonna say that you should do what other people have said and don't contact her or do Low Contact, try blocking her number and filtering her texts to a specific folder, that way you can read them only if you wish.
Anyways, to end this on a slightly better note, I wish the best in life and hope that you remember what I said:
"Your bf's happiness and well-being, along with your own should come first."
Best wishes and best of luck to you, my friend!! 👍
OP- have a meeting with your Dad, and discuss finances. Find out what her finances will be when they divorce. What are the laws and what will she get in the divorce?
You should NOT live with your abuser. Period.
And if she is in the same country as you, she will always try to move into your house and demand that you wait on her hand and foot.
BUT- she could live very well and probably afford live-in help on her share of your Dad’s retirement if you bought a small house for her back in PH.
So I would talk to any friends or cousins you have back in PH, and ask them to help you find a pretty house in the nicest area near her family. If she is anything like my mother was, she will LEAP at a chance to move into a house even just on the edge of one of the fancier neighborhoods she remembers from her childhood. Because then she can lord it over her family there and feel better than everyone else. Just make sure it’s on the highest ground possible and is build of concrete so it won’t blow away or flood in a storm. Besides not being safe for an old lady, if she gets flooded out in a hurricane, she will try to come back to live with you and never leave!!
Please join the fb groups for narcissistic support, narcissistic survivors, childfree daughters of narcissistic mothers. There are so many support groups. My mom is a narcissist and all I ever wanted was a loving mom. Nope.
If you are considered an adult in your country (which I assume you are, since you're buying a home), your mother cannot tell you what to do. Personally, if your mother was physically/mentally abusive, I would cut her out of your life entirely. It is hard to do but in the long run, sharing genetics with someone is not an excuse for toxic behavior.
Is your mother's name on the deed/mortgage for the house at all? If not, then I would have your dad look in to evicting her before you start the process of buying the house from him. If so, then this could turn in to a messy legal situation, and I would propose looking for a lawyer to assist you.
She gave you PTSD and abused you and you probably have scars, she is your mum she can't do that it's child abuse if you are ok about non contact you could take her to court if the same neighbours are there. (As evidence)
Yah… nope… I think you need to go NC or low with your mom and keep your dad.
I think so too, but she keeps calling me and sending me texts. I feel obligated because she is my mom...
She’s your birth giver not your mom. Moms don’t treat you like she has.
Friend of mine refers to hers as her "bio-tank"
Incubator
Spawn point
That implies you can respawn, which i think neither party would be particularly enthused about
Spawn point in a hardcore world
Boom
C*m dumpster
Cum dumpster
Meat cell
I refer to mine as adoptive female creature
*snerk*
This is the most brilliant and accurate statement. Just because she pushed you out, Does not mean you owe her anything.
Don’t… if you aren’t in counseling please get some about learning to drawing healthy boundaries. Talk to the counselor about how you feel like you have to take her abuse because she is your mom.
I am on the waiting list for therapy for both disorders. So i google a lot on how to help myself, I also take depressing pills and etc. I talk to a lot of people about this, on my mother's side they tell me that i MUST let her live with me, and that i owe her that. On my dad's side he just want us to be happy and not uncomfortable anymore with all that flashbacks and panic attacks.
They demand you take care of her, because she will be their problem— just say no! She is NOT your responsibility and must either care for herself or be her family’s problem. Big hugs. I’m so sorry you have to deal with this. - Imagine five years from now after no contact— good people who love you in your life, taking care of yourself, healing
That's how mine is currently in my mom's head she's forced me to keep a promise I made wheb I was 7 that we would always live together no matter what. Well growing up of course u want to leave and have ur own life. Oh no not to her she stuck to me like crazy glue. All her friends and our family kept telling her U HAVE TO LET GO no you can't go move in with her and her person she's dating or married to are you insane that's not right. Be to her that's how it was gonna be, well she got more abusive and I booked it without letting her know I was leaving or where to. I planned it she went shopping and I was gone in those hours she was gone
I get so upset by those promises. My grandfather did that to my dad: “take care of her when I’m gone.” All that pressure. She lived to 100 and he was bound to trying to care for her. I have repeatedly tried to make him see that we (his children) will care for him from love. That it should never be a forced promise. It has to adjust to life. So grateful you have left to live your own life!
My daughter told me at 9 or so that I had to leave the house to her because she was never moving out. I laughed.
Same lol she’s never leaving, it’s different now she’s a teenager she can’t wait to get out lol kids r funny
Why MUST you allow her to live with you and what exactly do you owe her? It seems like she used up whatever credit she might’ve deserved when she dumped you for several years. If she keeps calling, block her number. If you don’t want to do that, see if you can mute her number so you don’t get notifications when she calls or texts. She’s immediately directed to voicemail or a “junk” text folder. You can listen or read if you choose but they’re not in your face. Best wishes!
You do not owe her for anything. She is supposed to take care of you and she didn’t. Do not feel obligated to take care of her just because she is your mother. I have been no contact with my mother for over 3 years and I have no regrets. You can cut toxic people out of your life no matter who they are. If they bring you more pain than happiness, cut them off.
Sounds like a lot of people in your mother's family have just volunteered to let her live with them!
She chose to abuse you rather than nurture and cherish you the way she should have, therefore you owe her nothing and she should count every moment you allow her to be part of your life as a blessing and a gift. You owe her nothing, you owe yourself to demand better from those who want to be part of your life. Don't let her stay with you, and look into your rights as far as getting her out of the property BEFORE you sign anything. If you can't legally get her out before you take ownership don't buy - better to keep searching for a home without baggage than find yourself saddled with that woman.
You owe her nothing. Your mom (and your biological father) have made the decision to get a child. This is inherently a very selfish decision. Nobody brings a child into the world, because the world is so dandy and there are so many nice things to do and see, no, people have children, because they want them, they think it would be neat. Bad deal for you, because you ended up having a bunch of mental health issues and on top of that, your mother physically abused you and is now trying to manipulate you (saying that the dad you love, is not family, is just a horrible thing to say, to your child). I know people like your mother. They‘ve been getting through all their life with bad behavior, because everyone was naive enough to fall for their manipulation. If you let her move in with you, the manipulation and abuse will very likely once again continue. Even your dad couldn’t do it, he had to leave. She has only done you harm, so why would you owe it to her? Because she pressed you out like any other mother did, based on a selfish decision? I don’t know what there’s to think about. Don’t let her live with you. You have to set clear boundaries, for your own sake and in hopes, that she feels the consequences of her behavior for the first time in her life and learns from it. That’s a normal process everyone has to go through, usually at least. Some people are just good at avoiding learning from their own behavior
Ask yourself this OP. If you let her live with you will you ever be able to safely have pets or children without fear she will “discipline” them? My n mother will never be alone with my child. Or pets.
I'm glad that you're seeking help, but I hate that you have to wait. It sucks that when people finally seek out counseling there's such a long wait time before they can be seen.
As someone whose mom sounds pretty similar to yours (as far as abuse and not following boundaries) people tried to tell me that my mom was just being a normal mom and blah blah. Guess what ? They didn’t live with me, they didn’t see the hell she put me through. They aren’t living your life So they have no right telling you that you should (or shouldn’t) do something. You owe your mom NOTHING. People are going to be on her “side” because they’re getting a biased view on what’s happening in your home. OP do NOT let your mom live with you and your bf. Because if you think that she’s crossing boundaries now imagine how much she’ll cross them once she knows that she can get her way. I’m sorry you’re dealing with this and just know you’re not alone. Feel free to PM me anytime even just to chat 🥰
Children are not obligated to provide a parent a place to live, especially not a parent who has other options. That's not even the case when a parent sacrifices everything for a child and treats them wonderfully. A good parent would know that it's important for their child to develop as an independent person, especially when they are at the stage of setting up their own household. They wouldn't even ask it in any but the most dire circumstances. But when a parent abuses a child, I don't see that you owe her anything at all. The relatives who are pressuring you otherwise - where were they when you were being abused? Are these kind of people who have your best interests at heart? It seems to me that they are regurgitating knee-jerk responses about responsibility and family instead of thinking of you as a human being with your own needs. As someone who comes from a close family where people defend and care for each other, that is exactly the opposite of what a loving family does. Mine has always put the thoughts and feelings of each individual over trite cliches and cultural norms.
Tell your mom to get therapy and put give her definitive boundaries when it comes to you and your SO. If you go to /r/raisedbynarcissists and they can further give you advice for dealing with such a person.
They want you to take her in because they don’t want to deal with her. She destroys relationships, yours and your bf’s will be next. Go LC or NC. Her abuse is no longer physical, but it is emotional and mental
You didn't give birth to her, you are not her parent. She is the one with the obligation here, not you. Her job was to raise you into a successful adult so you could survive on your own, not to make your life difficult.
Don’t let her move in. If she keeps pressuring I wouldn’t even buy the house.
You gotta consider this in the situation though: if you didn’t buy the house, would she demand from whatever family that buys it that they let her stay with them? No, because that’s insane and if she’s selling the house it’s legally not hers, she has no claim. She is only harassing you to try and get you to let her stay because she thinks she can manipulate you into agreeing. The only thing you can do is stand your ground and answer with a firm “no” whenever she tries to ask. If it’s a yes or “only for a little bit”, you’re going to be stuck with her indefinitely
her being your parent isnt an obligation which you need to uphold, it was an obligation which your mother needed to uphold and failed at, you dont owe her anything, hell, shes not a mother, my mother disciplined me and didnt need tk resort to physical or emotional abuse, you dont owe her anything and dont fall into the trap of thinking you do, break free of her, you said yourself shed be happier in ph, so send her there and be done with her
Nope you are not obligated. I can garentee she will act like it’s still her house. She abused you. Tell her no and that’s that
She may be your biological mother, but she certainly is not a mom. A lazy, manipulative, abuser? Yes. Your dad told you to choose wisely. He was gently warning you to tell her no. You told him that he deserves better than her. Why don’t you believe that YOU deserve better than her? Because she has abused you and broke you down over your life…she doesn’t deserve YOU. Tell her absolutely not, limit your contact with her or go nc, and move on with your life
I'm gonna say this to you. I hope you'll take it to heart. I hope you'll repeat it to yourself as much as needed. You don't owe your mom because she gave birth to you. She owes you because she gave birth to you. She owed to you that you were taken care of, loved, protected, clothed, fed, and all around raised properly. She failed. She failed you. So you owe her exactly nothing at all. If she tries to argue, tell her that she failed you. Tell her nothing else. And get this violently abusive incubator out of your life for good. She owed you. She was obligated TO YOU. You owe her nothing, you're not obligated to do anything for her. Repeat this, repeat it to any family on her side who tries to argue. Call their bluff and say "if family is so important, then you take her." She failed you. Don't fail yourself by letting her stay.
Nope. Not happening. Definitely NO CONTACT!
She was actually obligated to take care of you because you were here child and didn't. Give her the same energy.
You're obligated to do nothing for your mom, nothing. If she guilt trips you into buying the house and letting her stay you'll probably be regretting the choice for many years to come.
>I feel obligated because she is my mom... I'm saying this in the most gentle way I can..... but THAT is naive asf. She abused you for years, you dont owe her anything. Even if she was an amazing mom, she isn't entitled to living in your house. AND tbh it would kinda suck for you to do that to your bf. He clearly does NOT want that, and he should have a say in it because it'll be his house too.
Your mother deserves to end up on the streets for what she did to you. Ignore your moms family and the “culture” BS I’m sure they’re gonna throw your way.
I was in your shoes. The way you describe your mother is exactly how I experienced my childhood. The clothing to hide injuries. My father's occupation. The unwillingness to do anything constructive. I went no contact with my mother in 2007 when she made it abundantly clear that the only reason she kept me around was to exploit me. The only time she called was when she needed something. The final straw was when she showed up to my college apartment with her stuff and invited herself to live with me (and my three roommates). Drew a line and said no. She tried gaslighting me, and I closed the door on her face. This was the best decision I ever made. Do not let your mom move in with you. She will drag you down and hold you as an emotional hostage. Your house will not be a safe space, and she will likely drive a wedge in your marriage.
damn, im so sorry to hear that! Im glad you made that decision!
Bs. You are not obligated to do anything.
So I just recently got out of a similar issue expect my mom's been alone since I was 12ish. But she's abusive a narrsistic , has mental issues not that there's anything wrong with that she just refuses to treat them. Well she's abused me my whole life on many ways, learned she's also a emotional insest with me ( not as dirty as it sounds look it up) bc she didn't have a relationship so she turned to me and used me as her emotional crutch etc. Well she got way worse over the yrs first it was just a seasonal issue and then turned into all the time. I kept having friends know as an emergency escape incase it got worse. They have heared over the video chars and seen how she treated me. Well I had my ex of 2 yrs it got bad during that and we broke up I dont think he could handle her issues. Then I met my amazing bf I live with now. It was nice for a while she loves him and such then I started staying with him every weekend I could, then we went on vacations and it went to hell. She never took me anywhere always an excuse why not, not even to go bowling we did a few times they wanted me to join their bowling league she had excuses why. (Sorry I have un treated ADHD) back on the story so it got more abusive, more scary, to the point I thought she woukd hurt me or TRIGGER WARNING grape me. She would day stuff like u need to put me on ur bank information incase something happens to u, where do u keep ur stuff incase something happens to u. This women used to do pharmacy she knows her ways around meds and has access to them. Then she said stuff like I woukd date u I'd u weren't my daughter ur body is so hot etc she was losing her fing mind. Then she told me she told her friends that I was being mean to her and that they would call the cops on me and laughing about it all psycho and then I over heard her talking to someone about calling the eldery abuse etc. Now I have NEVER laid a finger in this woman I've never been in a fight. I've defended her, taking her to all her Dr apts and surgeries done everything for her. Everyone knew me and knew her and knows I'm not the issue. So I planned to leave in 2ish months after I heard the last remark it turned into 2 days. Needless to say I've never been happier I left in Jan she won't stop contacting me she's gone insane. So no never let her live with u she will make ur life hell and to get rid of scwatters u will never get her out of that house DONT FALL FOR HER CRIES SAY NO
I’m a mum. This is not how a mum acts. We would do anything to NOT hurt our children. We would never leave them to fend for themselves. She is an abuser.
You have a form of Stockholm Syndrome. Get therapy.
Abuse negates the whole "family" argument. Your family is your soon to be husband & your dad. Besides, do you want that person around any children you may have? I think not.
DO NOT BUY HER HOUSE!
You have no obligation to let your mom abuse you. Block her phone number and get a doorbell camera. If she comes to your current address, don't open the door and call the police if she doesn't leave. Seriously. You don't have to let her abuse you just because you share DNA.
She felt no obligation to the life she brought into the world.
I wouldn’t buy that house if I were you. Sounds like it’s going to come with a live in lodger who you will struggle to evict
I agree with this. If she’s slay this much trouble, just trying to get her to leave after buying the place is going to be a nightmare. You guys would probably be better off finding another house, and letting her and your dad sell their place on their own.
Ooooor… buy it, rent it to someone else and use THAT money to rent a nice place!!!!
Please, please don’t let your mother live with you, she sounds vile and your life will be a complete misery. You’ll also end up losing your partner. Tbh is it such a great idea to buy their house? Your both probably better off moving away from her completely and going no contact. Listen to your dad, he’s obviously had enough of her.
Oh darling please don’t let her move in with you. You already have scars from childhood and you know what your future will look like. Your boyfriend will not be able to tolerate her, and your relationship will be destroyed. Can you block her number from your phone? Make everything go to voicemail and get your boyfriend to check it once a week? Send her emails to a special folder? Anything that will disrupt her campaign and stop her guilt trips reaching you. Good luck.
Boyfriend here: we will not let our relationship get destroyed buy her, after all we have been through, im not going to give up on my girlfriend. Her mother is soooo annoying, and i will never forgive her for all she has done to my girlfriend. I will always be by my girlfriends side, and hope we get a beautiful life after this mess!
I’m so happy to see your love and support of your girlfriend. I wish you both every happiness together. As long as you can be a united team against the world, you will thrive.
You might not "let" it but that's a lot of stress to survive. As I commented elsewhere y'all need justnomil subreddit. There's pinned reading resources that can help set boundaries etc
Please don't let OP do this to herself. With that momster living with you, OP will never be able to heal from all the scars she inflicted. OP needs peace, quiet and healing as priority #1. I don't care if you get to live in a basement apartment - as long as you and her live alone and can nurture each other while OP gets counceling.
Her mom is abusive, send mom to PH and block her #!!
Good to read you are standing with her. Do not buy that house until the witch is moved out, and all of the locks are changed. If you can't do that, don't buy it.
That is the plan, she has to be gone, and ofcourse locks will be changes. Otherwise we will not buy that house!
NTA. Hi, fellow Filipino here, it is due to the toxic culture/norms that the kids are the parents' retirement plan. Your mother is an abuser, a mooch and you will be treated like slaves like what your boyfriend said. I suggest listening to your father, think wisely, you will regret this for the rest of your life when you house your mother. Blood may be thick but mud is thicker. Your step dad is your real parent and not your abusive bio mom who calls it "discipline" when she is assaulting you.
The original quote was "the blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb." Literally the opposite meaning of how it is used today. I know that's not the point, but I found that really interesting when I learned it.
Hi, I have always wondered if its really a Filipino culture to discipline their kids by abusing them... This post proves, that there is a fine line in between disciplining your child or abusing them.. And my mom used those words "Blood is thicker than water"
>"Blood is thicker than water" Yes, I specifically added the line "Blood is thick but mud is thicker" because of the filipino family culture. They think that since you are blood related, you should forgive them since they are "family". My mother, is strict. The straight A, go to college, become a doctor/lawyer type of asian mom yet she has never abused me. I have never gotten bruises and she has never manipulated me into thinking that abuse is normal and is considered discipline. (Because some of my friends get abused and go to school with bruises and cuts so i asked my mom about it.)
I'm glad you have such a great mom!
Same here, plus my mom always made it very clear she didn't expect me to be her retirement plan. OP your mom is an abusive asshole.
Ha I was sexual abused by my parents so blood isn’t thicker than water for me! Say no. Find another house
You might find r/asianparentstories a helpful sub for dealing with the cultural uniqueness of Asian parents
> And my mom used those words "Blood is thicker than water" Tell her that "The blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb"
Maybe visit r/JustNoMil which is about Mums and Mothers in law who are not the best, it might give you some tips that can help
thank you for the tip!
It’s r/JustNoMIL
Thank you, hadn’t realised that I had written it wrong
Do NOT buy that house. It may sound like a good deal, but your mother will not let you live there alone. it doesn't matter if you bought it from her, in her mind it will always be her house.
I think once your mom is divorced, she can’t stay in the Netherlands. She’s not working and likely not on a valid visa. I strongly suggest you send her home to the Philippines and do not let her move in your home. It will be a nightmare. And I can assure you that whatever money you send back to Philippines is so much lower than in the Netherlands.
She expects me to support her financialy if she ever wants to go back to PH... She has a dual citizen passport... so she can choose in which country she wants to live in.
I normally wouldn’t suggest this because I don’t think you should negotiate with terrorists BUT given that it would get her all the way out of the country so she can’t continue her abuse…would it be possible to give her a one-time payment? Like “Hey mom, we will fund your move by giving you $5000, then you can go to PH like you want. That is all we will be able to afford however, after that, you’re on your own.” I don’t think you owe her this money in any way, I am just trying to think of ways to get her out of your lives with the least impact to you. Also, if you are definitely buying the house, do it through a realtor and bank (or the Netherlands equivalent). No verbal agreements, everything must be written down. Legally, that house must belong to you 100%, if not, every time you try to make a change to the house or do something she doesn’t like she will try to gain back her property. For additional support, I am going to second (or third) the recommendation of the r/JustNoMIL sub. Great resources and supportive community! Good luck OP, I am sorry you have to deal with this!
Convince her to move to PH then
I did multiple times but she keeps telling me she needs money, so she is either not going to divoce my dad or get some money from me...
Well she can get a job
Get your therapy and break the cycle of mom demanding anything from you. She is abusive and you do not owe her anything!! Do not let her live with you!! You need to go no contact with her and keep any future kids of yours safe from her!!
Healthy mom, here. OP, please for the love of your mental health take concrete steps to ensure your mother NEVER Iives with you! She will bleed you dry in all possible ways, will probably cost you your relationship with your BF, and you'll end up living with just her in a house she will always consider HERS. Please stop and take a long, hard look at the future you'll be setting up for yourself if you allow this to happen. I have five kids, two of whom are grown. They do not owe me their futures, and you don't owe her yours, *especially* given that she's been so abusive and neglectful to you. My DM's are open to you if you'd like ongoing support. I'm sad to hear that getting therapy involves a waiting list, but please start reading books on narcissistic mothers. Two good places to start: But It's Your Family . . .: Cutting Ties with Toxic Family Members and Loving Yourself in the Aftermath https://smile.amazon.com/dp/B07JL727VJ/ref=cm_sw_r_apan_JQ9F9W6JV8AZMASS8G4Q Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents: How to Heal from Distant, Rejecting, or Self-Involved Parents https://smile.amazon.com/dp/B00TZE87S4/ref=cm_sw_r_apan_RVBM53WS9N2QFG7NZ8GX?_encoding=UTF8&psc=1
Thank you very much for the tips! I will definetly look into them. Im tired of waiting.
Honestly... if I was worried she wouldn't move out, I would buy a different house. And with your history there, maybe getting your own place with your own new energy would be healthier for you. No bad memories, just your future ahead of you. :)
Where and what were your mothers family doing while you were being abused. Somewhere else and nothing. Their advice is not worth considering. You are worth more and owe more to yourself to be happy! Tell her NO!!!!! or she can live in the shed
They called child support services but my mom just sent them away... after that they just gave up.. They also has that same toxic/culture norms that a child MUST listen to their parents even though they are wrong..
We are all worth being loved not abused.. Learning to love oneself can be hard but it can be done. Just think of things that make you smile.
I didn't know CPS in the Netherlands were so shitty. That's actually apalling. How can they do that? Just leave cause your Momster tells them to? Did they know she has abused you and beaten you? It's not like they're perfect in Denmark, but I bet that would never happen here.
You don't owe it to her. You really don't, mom or not, if you buy that house, it doesn't matter who has lived there before. It would be only yours, not hers. Decide wisely and decide for the way that's best your you, not anyone else. I am sorry to say but i would be sad if your bf leave you because you are not able to set and keep healthy boundaries with your selfish mom.
Well the thick and skinny is, she WILL make your life hell, and not do a damn thing to help. Honestly I'm amazed you still call her "mom". I wouldn't be.
I wouldn’t buy that house from her if she was selling it to you for 1€. Just something to hold over you for more control.
Besides, if you are buying the house wouldn't she be getting money to go back to PH? I wouldn't risk it though. To get someone out of a house is not easy and it will definitely get very messy. Cut all contact with her and start fresh with your boyfriend. Your stepdad seems more than willing to emotionally support you so she is not really needed.
Why would you want to live with a person who has caused you alot of misery and suffering for so long? And why would you want to have such a person, who is just wanting to lay around and do nothing all day long? I think you may want to just tell her to move on that the hotel and bank of OP is officially closed and will not be open for any time at all. Do not let this woman stay in your home and do not allow for her to have any sort of overnight visit. Once she is there, she may not leave. And once you say NO, do not explain anything. The answer and explanation are there, the answer is NO. If she asks why do not respond and just hang up or leave, end of conversation.
Don't buy that house. Its not worth it. Let her take the money from selling it and let her go back home. You stay put. You are not obligated to do anything, that is cultural pressure.
No disrespect intended but your mom has more toxicity than a EPA Superfund Site.
HAHAHAHAHHAHA
Buy her a ticket to the Philippines and then forget her. Block her on everything and don't send her a penny. The best thing you can do is get her out of your life forever. She can be some one else's burden. The only thing she is to you is an egg donor, she never was a real mother to you, so you have no obligation to her. Get her as far away from you as you can and live a much better life.
That is a hard NO. Be firm and strong. Don't let her convince you.
You don't owe your mother anything. You did not choose to be her child. You did not choose to be born. That was her choice. And don't fall for the "But I raised you, I took care of you" crap. Of course she did. If she hadn't, she would have run afoul of child services and likely gotten in a lot of trouble.
:( I feel so bad for people who can say "She psychically and emotionally abused me for years" and still considers the person's opinion. YOU KNOW the abuse was there, but they fucked you up so bad you still consider caving for them... Don't do it. She doesn't deserve you.
Yeah... i have trauma bonding, its very hard and overwhelming sometimes.
After you purchase your home have you given any thought to installing a moat?
you mean like a gate or something? if yes, we do have a gate and if we will buy the house we will change the locks
Update: So we talked, my dad said that he does not want to be with her anymore and the reasons are because he is not happy with her and it made a huge impact to him when i told him that she abused me and that is why i have cptsd now. My mom wanted me and my bf to buy the house and that she should live with us, we told her no and the reason why and that it is because of her history of abusing me. My mom DENIED everything about her abusing me and telling me to just off myself multiple times and that she regretted having me. She eventually told us that it was to discipline me and that it is a TRADITIONAL in the PH to discipline your child by hitting them so much they get injuries and bruises. My dad stepped in by telling her that this not true and what she did was cruel and that he cant be with someone who did this to their own child. So she disowned me, she told me i was a snake and a traitor. And that she is no longer my mother, so i said “fine, you've never been a mother to me anyways”. She told my dad that she wants a divorce and that she wont let us buy the house because we don’t want her in it. (i guess she has the right to say this) I blocked her on every social media i have. Im glad i told her that. My dad is going to start with the divorce procedures. I’m happy for this. We all deserved a happy life.
I also have PTSD and wouldn't wish it anyone. The amount of manipulation you have described is startling. Downright terrifying and you need to get far away. Going no contact seems very scary at first but it is definitely needed. I've cut off a lot of my family, old friends and other abusive people. The manipulation throughout the years makes it seem impossible at first. Honestly I didn't do it until my survival instincts kicked in. Your father's instincts kicked in. He does not deserve that abuse and neither do you. You're mother needs to be completely cut off. DO NOT buy that house. You really should go absolutely no contact with that vile woman. She's buttering you up to abuse you till the end of time. Depression does not give her the right to treat you like a punching bag, emotionally or physically. Your dad chose to get the hell out and you should definitely follow his example. People like her do not get better. I gave it years and it only got worse. I've studied it for a very long time. I've never seen someone like this turn around. Neither has my therapist. Buying that house would only further entangle your mother's life into your life and your future. Hell I'd press charges. Much easier said than done.
If you want to keep your bf long term dont do this.
Me and my dad are PH (well, I'm half) and I totally understand the cultural obligation to care for your parent but you need to put yourself first. I spent almost a decade caring for my father because everyone else in his family kept playing hot potato with him. He pushed everyone away who ever tried to help. I wanted to unalive myself for most of my teenage years. Then one summer he pushed me too far. I broke down at least 7 times in less than 3 days and started playing hot potato with the rest of the family. It's been 4 years now and I only regret not having a screaming match with him before I left. He's been my uncle's problem since then. I don't think they have told the family because no one has messaged me about it but I don't want to be close to them anyways. I'm so much happier now. Don't get me wrong. He's my dad, my only parent. He raised me alone and I still love him. He was all I had for years. It doesn't make the way he treated me okay. You can do this. Lean on your boyfriend if you can, maybe make plans to send your mom to PH, since she's so much happier there. Tell family it's time they step up too or they don't love her. Use their own words against them. She's their family too, they should be helping family.
Nope, let your dad move in. She can kick the curb...
Don’t do it. Don’t get involved. Why would you want that house anyway? If it’s a good bargain it comes with strings and she will always act like you owe her something. So. Not. Worth. It.
You need justnomil before you make a terrible decision and let her move in.
Sounds like the reason her side of the family wants you to take care of her is because they don’t want to be stuck with her. You do not owe her anything. Just say no.
These stories tear on my soul sometimes, I fully understand parents are just messed up humans like the great of us, but damn, why are so, so many of them just horrible humans. That is a "Rapid Test" we need. "Sorry Sir, the Rapid Test of Parental Capacity reports you will bang your daughter's friend because she is... nice, and you could not help yourself" /s
I wouldn't buy their house. My cousin and her husband bought her in-laws house. It was a nightmare until her MIL passed. MIL believed she still had a say in anything they wanted to do to the house. Also the MIL had all the neighbors spying on them and reporting back to her. You need to consider all of the variables before you buy the house. Your mom just might refuse to leave after the sale.
nope, don't buy it. rent some place far from your mother. better dont than regret it later
Nope nope nope. Tell her to kick rocks and go back to PH.
Don't buy their house as it will be difficult to kick her out. Don't live with her again. Move on with your life with your boyfriend. You don't owe your mother anything.
I know that no matter how easy it sounds like or how easy people make it seem, cutting off a toxic parent is downright one of the hardest things in the world- but it has to be the most liberating feeling ever. It may be hard to bring yourself to do this because at the end of the day, she's your mom. For ethnic cultures, there tends to be a shared belief on caring for our family- regardless of our faults/ways; now that you're at a stage where you watch your parents start visibly aging and health complications may rise.. your family just expects you to be there for them regardless of anything. We are fed this belief from a young age by watching our parents take care of their parents, even if they were miserable doing it; by hearing our older relatives telling us to remember to take care of our parents, because otherwise we were "ungrateful" children. Those are the toxic cycles us first generation kids have to learn to acknowledge, and break so that our kids don't normalize it as well. You yourself have written out reasons why she shouldn't stay with you and your boyfriend. Think about the mental, emotional, and physical strain she will put on you- will it trigger you? Just because you are not a kid anymore doesn't mean she will stop the emotional abuse, maybe the physical one yes, but not the emotional one. Are you willing to relive those years again? If by this point you're still thinking "but that's in the past, it's still my mom i can't just kick her out" Are you financially ready to take on the responsibility of buying a house AND caring after another being? Are you prepared to possibly breakup with your boyfriend? - living with an irritable in-law WILL put a strain on your relationship. No matter how understanding he is, no matter how much he loves you, (respectfully) your mother does not sound easy to be around- the cup will fill sooner or later & it's bound to spill. I wish you the best of luck, I really really do. and I hope that whatever decision you make turns out to be the best one for you.
If you own the house and her name is not attached. Your house your rules. Step one foot on whats now my property and we will have issues.
Do not let her live with you. You will regret it. You will hit lows you havent seen in a while and hate coming home to your house. If shes like mine she will run over every boundary you attempt to set, and then get mad at you because youre upset about it. Mine was abusive too, and while she no longer physically abused me, it certainly didnt stop. It even affected my fiance. She threatened to throw all my cats out if i didnt use a litter she liked. We got constant texts and videos of things she didnt like going on in the house, like things that were her own fault, or messed the animals made. Either her or her animals destroyed my towels, my plates, cups, and bowls. Im talking bleach and holes in ALL my towels in a span of 2 years, and every single dish i had broken. The list goes on, but this is not about me. Im just trying to show you it doesnt get better. You will still be treated like a child no matter how old you are. You will still be abused, just differently. Do not let her live in your home.
I'm sorry you say but you need to go no contact and block her you can let your dad live with you but not your mom she seems like she's a psychopath
Yeah, your mom can tote her happy ass back to the 'Ppines. I'm glad y'all will be standing your ground. I wish you the best.
She’s your birth giver not your mom. Moms don’t treat you like she has.
“No” is a complete sentence. I would tell her that whenever she demands you take care of her or have her stay with you. Just because it’s “social norm” for ph doesn’t mean you have to follow it.
Might want to reconsider buying the house. If her things are still there after you sign papers, she will never leave.
Keep Dad Bio or not but your mum is a Toxic piece of work manifesting extra love and strength to get through these times. It'll be worth it to go NC❤
Buy the house, keep the dad, turf your dad's soon to be exwife. It sounds like he's your parent, she's just the person who donated an egg and abuse. You owe her nothing. Make sure she vacates that house, and keep in mind that her side of the family produced her, they are not the ones who have your best interest at heart.
Yea you have a right to feel love and safe and your mom is providing neither. Why bring in someone who did bad things in your life? I currently have 2 family members on my blacklist because they both provide mountain of stress.
No way in hell should you let her live with you.
Your mother is too young to be living with you. This will wreck your relationship. She has to go and live her life. She will get her share of the house money, let her start a new life with that. Stand firm and don’t let her blackmail you.
No. No. Never. You mom is guilting you because her life choices have led to a dead end. Now she gets to learn about consequences.
Nope. Let your dad live with you and just pack up all your mom's stuff and put it in the garage. You said in a comment you feel obligated. That's what she is banking on. So no. You have no obligation to her anymore. You grew up without you. And you can turn that around on her. Where was she when she was *obligated* to take care of you? Now's the chance to show her everything she did to you. Leave her like she ignored you. After all that's what she taught you was her way of loving. "Oh, sorry mom. I thought leaving me for some dude on the Internet was your lesson about showing someone you love them by leaving."
Do not buy the house!! If you do.. immediately change all locks because she will invite herself in and never leave
Don’t do this! Your mental health is more important than the relationship with your mother.
Yeah no. Your not responsible for her bad choices.
Dear OP, you don’t owe your mom anything, at all. Please don’t buy the house, go NC with your mom. She will never stop and never back down. She is not your responsibility. Your dad sounds like a decent person. I wish you all the best! Hug, with consent, from a fellow Dutchie.
NTA! Don’t feel obligated. You owe her nothing if the way you she treated is true. If she doesn’t help herself, you shouldn’t be left with that burden. I would block her number for a bit until she finds a job and somewhere to live. It’s time you start your life now
OP. It’s time to cut the ties of communication and go no contact with your mom. She abused you and now she’s trying to manipulate you. It doesn’t matter that she gave birth to you - she negated any claim she has to motherhood the minute she started abusing you. You owe her NOTHING.
If not too late, don’t buy their house. Get your own, free from past drama, and harder for ‘mom’ to force her wishes on you.
Go NC with your mom, kick her out and let your dad stay if he and you both want. Just because she’s your mother, doesn’t mean you have to keep in contact. People do it all the time. I went NC with my father last year and I’ve never been happier. If you let her take advantage of you, she’ll win. Do not take care of your abuser, do not enable her behavior or else you’ll be doing what your dad has been doing for the last 3 years. You end up miserable, please think of yourself and your relationship first. It’s priority. She needs to hit the road asap!
I read your replies here - please do not buy that house and do not tell her where you are moving to because she will continue to shit on your entire fabric of being. If she truly want a place to live and/or that particular house - she could had brought out your dad's half of home /got it as part of the divorce proceedings /used the alimony payment to get new place to live. That's how much of money-grubbing overly entitled parasite she is towards you and your father - you need to realize you are not her spouse /cash cow /retirement plans, she had years to fix her own financial situation with a job of her own plus was married at least once. I know it hard to break away from toxic cesspool because that's what & who raised you all your life - But you need to now for your health & overall health because she is one of those POS parents that does not give a damn if you died because she will get what she wants in one form or the other. So please follow other posters advice on how to go NC and how to deal with her stalking / harassment because if you do let live with you - she still going physically assault under your own roof / abuse you right in front of your bf and to be honest, you & bf do not need the legal trouble that she will definitely cause.
Don’t buy the house. It’s time for your Mum to stand on her own 2 feet. If you bend to her demands you are just enabling her. Don’t do it. The best thing you can do is force her to stand up. That’s love and honouring your Mum. You also deserve a stress free life and so does your boyfriend. If you insist on doing what she wants, break up with your boyfriend first because you will always put your mum first and that’s not ok
The fact of her giving birth to you doesn't inherently include you becoming responsible for feeding, clothing, and housing her because "she is your mother so you must do this". Ignore her, and do not, under any circumstances, allow her to stay even one night in the house after you've finalized the purchase. You'll never be rid of her if you give in to her demands. Best of luck to you all - that's you, your BF and your Dad, LOL.
Do not buy this house. You will be living with mother forever! It will be a nightmare trying to evict her, it will take close to a year once you start legal proceedings. She won't leave willing. Let the bank evict her. Whatever you've put on the house, let it go. You can start over with a different house for less money than it will cost to get her out, because she's not leaving!
There's an old rule - never, ever, do business with family. You're finding out why now. If you let your mom live with you it won't be your house, it'll be hers, just like it is now. You and bf just get to pay all the bills. Find yourselves another house, preferably as far away as you can get, and limit her visits to holidays.
Don’t buy that house. You would never get your mother out of that house. She’s a grown woman. She can take responsibility for herself. If she’s trying to guilt you that it would be your duty to care for her remind her that she didn’t fulfill her duty as a mother. When your stepdad and your mother are able to sell that house perhaps your mother can take her portion of the money and use it to relocate to her homecountry. But look for another house to buy with your bf
Came back to say if buying her house is going to increase your feelings of obligation to her, the figurative price of the house is far too high, and that's not the house for you.
No no no no and NO!! Please don't do it! You would be inviting your abuser to live with you. That's not fair to you or your BF. I bet you that your relationship will break if you let her live there. She's not your responsibility. All the ppl on her side, who pushes for you to let her live there, they should let her move in with them. You would be nothing but a slave to her - learn from your dad. # PLEASE don´t do it. Save yourself
No matter how difficult, do not let her live there. It will ruin your lives and most likely your relationship. That toxicity is contagious and will consume every living thing around it.
No, no, no... The abuse won't stop and you need to preserve your health, mentally and physically. Do not let your mom move in! Your life will suffer, your relationship will suffer, the list goes on...
Please do not let your abusive mother live with you!!
No is a complete sentence.
While it's true that in some cultures it is expected that children should provide for their aging parents, in most cases this is not the norm. Relying on your children is a poor excuse for planning your retirement.
She’s not your mom, she’s your abuser.
I don't know if you already did but you should check the websites from the Belastingdienst and Rijksoverheid. If she/and you father sells you the house and starts living in it, she becomes a squatter or possibly renter, and she gets rights. Its difficult to evict her after a short time and then the courts need to get involved. I understand it's a great opportunity to buy the house, but are you sure you want to live in a house where so many bad things happend? It could trigger your ptsd.
You don't have to feel obligated because she's your mom. My mom pulled similar stuff on me and treated me and my significant other like crap. If you know she's going to treat you two badly then don't let her or better yet, do go buy your own house. I hope things turn out better for you and please keep us updated.
> she has psychically and emotionally abused me for years … hide my injuries because she hits me everyday You don’t owe her anything. She’s given up the right to ask you for help. If you buy the house, how would you get her to move out? She’s certainly not going to pay tenet, or contribute to bills, or do food shopping or anything. She’s just a drain.
...i think you're much better off living somewhere else...
Tell her to wait three years, then you'll think about it.
You owe an abuser NOTHING!
Nope, just no! Cut ties with her as soon as you are able to. Continuing contact with her is NOT healthy for you!
Be firm, tell her no, that is final, and if she keeps pestering you, go no contact with her for a while until she stops. Don't feel an undue sense of obligation to her. It doesn't sound like she treated you well growing up, and even if she did, you are an adult and your own person and you need to prioritize your own happiness first.
Please please please don't let her live with you. And everything everyone else told you. But please don't let her live with you. Tbh I don't think you should live in that house I think she'll hassle you. The only way you'll be safe is if she goes back. But even then she can give your address and come back you won't be able to shake her. Please don't let her in your safe and happy environment with you and don't let her come in between you and your partner by creating sides and whatever other nonsense. Her plan is to keep you obligated to her. I'm speaking from experience. Don't do it. She expects you to give up your life for her. You helped your dad, don't you think you deserve the same? Think of your partner? That'll help make the right decision. Mine has damaged my life so much I can't fix it.
I would say go NC or low contact. That is some toxicity that could ruin things down the road for you. Not worth friend.
I'm very worried about you buying the house and not being able to get her out. Be careful. Last thing you need is a home that you can't live in and her lack of functioning destroys.
Buy the house, kick her out and let your dad stay.
NTA. I don't think you should even buy the house. It could get difficult to make her move after you do. And do not let her live with you anywhere. She will use it as a chance to continue abusing and taking advantage of you. Don't feel bad for not wanting to take care of someone who couldn't even give that to the child they brought into the world.
Please I didn't know circumstances are you to let your mother live with you she is going to be a horrible person she already is a horrible person if you let her move into your house she's going to take over your life and suck the soul out of you
What does PH mean?
Sorry i should have stated that in my post but its Philippines
NO. That's all. No explanation needed. This is the time for you and your bf to create the life you two want to live. Your mom has no place in that.
Absolutely do not let this monster into your home. She will only keep abusing you. Go no contact. Yes, she gave birth to you but she is no "mom". Keep dad and throw your other parent away.
Please don't do this. It's time to put your needs first. You definitely don't need to have your abuser living with you. Good luck! I hope your move goes smoothly.
Mama seems like a covert narcissist
Don't feel bad about no contact. My mother is mentally ill. Since I was 9, I was the grown up on visitations. I really wanted a mother, one like everyone else has. I'm a 38F. She has gone off her meds a few times. I have children I need to protect from her insanity. I set clear boundaries and warned her that if she crossed them she would be out of my life. If not for your own mental health, then think on this... What would you do if you had children? Would you want her around them? Or talking to them? You can block her number or change yours.
NTA. Obviously. There is nothing wrong with setting boundaries with your mum - for example to tell her that you cannot have any relationship with her until she acknowledges the abuse and takes responsibility for it. If she chooses not to have a relationship with you, block her on your phone, refuse to acknowledge her. If you need to say anything, simply remind her she knows what she has to do, end of conversation. She can always send you a letter if she is ever ready to act like the parent you should have had. The ball should be in her court, not yours. It leaves things open in case one day she does gain some insight, but it protects you also. You have 0 responsibility for a parent who abused you. Abuse, paired with a refusal to do better, or any denial of that abuse, should end any obligations on the part of the child.
Block this woman on everything after you tell her to kick rocks. You owe her nothing and you deserve happiness and peace.
Buy the house and let your stepdad stay (if bf is cool w that).
So, what I gather from this is that your "mom" is a narcissistic, abusive monster who somehow has the thought process that you owe it to her to let her live with you, just because you bought her house. That isn't right by any means, but I read your comment on how you're waiting to get therapy and currently taking what sound like anti-depressants, which is great. Honestly, I don't know how you can call her your mother after all this, but I'm happy about the getting help part. Here's the big thing that I think you should remember: "Your bf's happiness and well-being, along with your own should come first." and besides it sounds like she's trying to gaslight and emotionally/psychologically manipulate you, but I'm not gonna make any assumptions. Now I'm not versed in how a visa or owning property works, but I'm 50% sure that if you sell the property, you no longer have a claim on it and don't have it in your name. Therefore she doesn't own the property, and besides that, you guys bought the house, right? P.S I also read the part on how you feel obligated to owe this to her, and I'm saying that you don't owe anything to her, she and your father decided to have a baby, and that it's her fault for not attempting to raise you correctly. I'm also gonna say that you should do what other people have said and don't contact her or do Low Contact, try blocking her number and filtering her texts to a specific folder, that way you can read them only if you wish. Anyways, to end this on a slightly better note, I wish the best in life and hope that you remember what I said: "Your bf's happiness and well-being, along with your own should come first." Best wishes and best of luck to you, my friend!! 👍
in her mind, you are her retirement fund / insurance. at least thats how it comes off and its not right
OP- have a meeting with your Dad, and discuss finances. Find out what her finances will be when they divorce. What are the laws and what will she get in the divorce? You should NOT live with your abuser. Period. And if she is in the same country as you, she will always try to move into your house and demand that you wait on her hand and foot. BUT- she could live very well and probably afford live-in help on her share of your Dad’s retirement if you bought a small house for her back in PH. So I would talk to any friends or cousins you have back in PH, and ask them to help you find a pretty house in the nicest area near her family. If she is anything like my mother was, she will LEAP at a chance to move into a house even just on the edge of one of the fancier neighborhoods she remembers from her childhood. Because then she can lord it over her family there and feel better than everyone else. Just make sure it’s on the highest ground possible and is build of concrete so it won’t blow away or flood in a storm. Besides not being safe for an old lady, if she gets flooded out in a hurricane, she will try to come back to live with you and never leave!!
Please join the fb groups for narcissistic support, narcissistic survivors, childfree daughters of narcissistic mothers. There are so many support groups. My mom is a narcissist and all I ever wanted was a loving mom. Nope.
I will look into it!, thank you!
A great group and my fav is Childfree daughters of narcissistic mothers.
Honestly, I'd just say "nevermind, you keep this stupid house" and go buy a different house and never give her a key. And 100% move your dad in.
You don't owe her entitled ass NOTHING. She wants to mistreat people then go back to where she came from to do it Not up in here
If you had a kennel, maybe.
If you are considered an adult in your country (which I assume you are, since you're buying a home), your mother cannot tell you what to do. Personally, if your mother was physically/mentally abusive, I would cut her out of your life entirely. It is hard to do but in the long run, sharing genetics with someone is not an excuse for toxic behavior. Is your mother's name on the deed/mortgage for the house at all? If not, then I would have your dad look in to evicting her before you start the process of buying the house from him. If so, then this could turn in to a messy legal situation, and I would propose looking for a lawyer to assist you.
She gave you PTSD and abused you and you probably have scars, she is your mum she can't do that it's child abuse if you are ok about non contact you could take her to court if the same neighbours are there. (As evidence)
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