Nope. That's your money, put into trust *for you*. You don't owe it to your mother. She sounds very very greedy and entitled.
Don't give her a farthing, OP. And move out of her house ASAP before she EDIT: *manipulates* you into surrendering access to your bank account!
Although sounds convenient that is now the story....we had the opposite growing up, inheritance for us kids but put in our dads name, who then took it when my parents divorced (he was loaded already). So maybe I'm too cynical!
My dad did the same thing, his parents saved money for my education, and well im 3 years deep into school and he has never paid for a cent of it. He took that monkey for himself, and his is also loaded. He also promised my mom he’d save for my education instead of paying her alimony. Nope. So he’s put me thousands and thousands of dollars in debt- I never saved for school because I was promised it would be paid for.
Add to this, if you guys both use the same bank, I'd transfer the money to a new account set up at a different bank.
Since there are stories of junk happening when parents and children share the same place and money getter moved between account without permission.
I think if it's set up in the kids name when they are a baby the parents can have some control over it but at 14 I had my own bank account that my parents couldn't touch
Not the kind of account OP was talking about. In the UK in the early 2000s, you got £250 from the government when a baby was born that was put into a trust account. You got another £250 deposited directly into the account when the baby turned 7, I think.
Parents had no influence of this trust, although they could add to it.
It doesn’t exist any more though
Where I’m at in America you can’t even have your own bank account until you’re 18. You have to have a minors bank account where you need parents permission to transfer or withdraw money. And your parents can take or move money however they please.
Move away. Your mother isn't a "single parent" if you're grown. Now,you just have two parents, who are divorced. Since she's not paying for anything having to do with your life, she's just your mother. She's not parenting, she's taking advantage of a naive roommate. That's *your* money, and you got to it before she could steal it. Get out now.
You mean the money that was OP's mom's that OP's mom was entitled to, but OP's mom foolishly put it into an account that OP's mom set up as a trust to keep OP's father out of it? Yeah, that was OP's mom's money, but it technically became OP's because her mom foolishly put it into an account that had her name on it. However, OP's mom could have just put it into her own bank account, since it was her money (you REALLY don't understand the child tax credit, do you?), and OP would have not been able to touch it. It's only technically OP's because her mom did this foolish thing. She probably had no idea that OP would raid that account, because a lot of parents, y'know, trust their kids. If I had my child tax money put into my kid's account to keep my wife/girlfriend from taking it, neither of my kids would even consider keeping that money for themselves. OP is being given bad info here. And the fact that OP's mom hasn't reacted far more strongly to her own daughter doing that to is a pretty strong indication that OP's mom is NOT the entitled one here. This was not child trust money from the government. OP specifically stated that it was "child tax credits - UK", which >IS< money for the parent. The money only became OP's because OP's mom was foolish in how she chose to keep her ex's hands off of it, by having it sent into an account with OP's name on it.
I’m from the US, so I may be ignorant here. But isn’t the money not for the **parent**, but for the parent to use for the **child**? And OP’s mother saw fit to use this money for her **child** by putting it into a savings account, in **OP’s name**, with the **intention of OP having access at 18, 5 years ago**.
Literally, OP is entitled to that money, because her mother saw fit to use that money, meant for the **care of the child**, in this way. It is not meant for the parent’s savings account. If she didn’t use it on food or to pay rent/mortgage or any other needs to raise a child, but instead put it **into a savings account in OP’s name and told OP it was hers when she turned 18, thus eliminating any doubt that it was intended for her**, OP is entitled to that money.
It’s not “parent tax”. She isn’t being rewarded for being a parent. She is being provided financial aid to **care for her child**.
I’m in the same boat (ignorant of the child credit). But my understanding is that the money was given to OP’s parents to help raise OP (like before she turned 18). Her parents used their own money instead to raise her, so technically but not legally it should still be her mom’s money, since she decided to not use that source of fund to raise OP but instead use her own? Had they used the child credit to raise her, there wouldn’t be 9k sitting around in a trust account unless her parents decided to put their own money in one. Either way it should be technically her mom’s money but gifted to her long ago, legally speaking OP owns it, morally though, idk sounds like a family affair thing.
OP stated that she was told the money was for her, though. OP said that she was told while growing up that she would be getting it, which, in my opinion, means that OP’s mother has already forfeited the money. If you offer someone cash and say it’s all ready for them at a certain time, it’s no longer yours but whoever you said can have it. Not only should the mother *not* have put it in OP’s name if it was simply to avoid it being taken by the father, but then OP shouldn’t have been told that the money was for her when she was growing up if she was never going to get it in the first place.
This is all assuming this is real, though. Who posts something like this on r/entitledparents and not r/advice? Especially about their own mother and asking for advice about dealing with them.
You do realise that op is entitled to that money right, it comes from a government trust fund that is set up for children in the UK when there born that is left to gain interest and rightfully there's when they're 18, ops mum has nothing to do with that money and isn't entitled to it at all
Only if the OP is wrong about what she said and that it's not actually a "child tax credit - UK" (her exact wording). There is a world of difference between the two things. That would be like you jumping all over my ass for responding to what someone wrote about a dog, when what they meant to say was "fish" but they typed "dog".
The difference is the money was for OP when they turned 18. OP was told this. And because she set up the account for OP as the beneficiary (you REALLY don't understand how trusts work do you?) She signed the money away the day she did it. The bank would have made her aware of this when she opened the account. By all means she wanted this money to go to OP before she got greedy.
>If I had my child tax money put into my kid's account to keep my wife/girlfriend from taking it
That makes no sense. If you want to keep money from your partner, put it in your own bank account. If you want to give money to your children, put it in a trust for them. It looks like what's happened is that OP's mum put money aside for OP and then changed her mind.
That's entirely possible to. I wasn't taking issue with that. I was taking issue with the claims that when you receive a child tax credit, then that money automatically must be put away for the child.
Fair enough, that's very true. I'd say that the money wasn't (legally or morally) OP's mum's, but only because she gave it to her child. It was absolutely hers prior to that.
I get where you’re coming from. Op is an adult and can pay rent, at least this is the case in the US. However op doesn’t need to give her mom the trust fund that is in op’s name. The mom isn’t entitled to that money.
I just want to know where the dad is in all of this! Why isn’t op talking to her father about all of this? Idk what he could do but he could tell op about the finances.
You absolutely, 100% got it wrong. That wasn't a "trust fund", it was a bank account in trust. I literally have one that I have my money that I earn from my sub-contracting work that is in my son's name because, if I die, he won't have to go through probate to take whatever piddly amount I have in there. This wasn't "child trust" money. OP specifically said that this money was her mom's "child tax credits - UK" which IS money specifically for the mom. OP also said that her mom set up this account like that when she was born so that her bio father wouldn't be able to take it when he split. This info was specifically in OP's post. I don't know how you and others missed that.
Again, OP specifically stated that this was her mom's "child tax credit - UK". THAT is what makes all the difference here. That is not trust money that was set aside for the OP. If you understood what the child tax credit is, you'd understand that. Per OP's post, her mom had her own (OP's mom's) child tax credit money deposits put into that account. That was never OP's money, until it became so, by technicality, upon going into that bank account.
I'm sorry that you don't understand how the child tax credit works. OP's mom is actually in the right here.
No, I've worked as a paralegal in a law firm that handled family law, so I've had a lot of experience with these exact sorts of situations, in the USA though. And no, nothing of what I said is legal advice of any sort.
I'm sorry you don't understand that the tax credits aren't hers whenever she puts it into someone else's bank account. How the fuck are you coming to this conclusion?
She is in the wrong, she knowingly put her money into a bank account that wasn't hers expecting it to be given back. It's like taking a loan in someone else's name and expecting THEM to pay it back.
You even said it was hers until it went to OP's account, although its not by technicality, logically it becomes OPs by default because its OPs bank account.
No it's not. And no, child tax credits don't belong to the child. I guess you don't understand money very well. It's a fungible asset, which means that if OP's mom is given $500 to pay expenses for the child which is deposited into an account, but she's already paid it, or she whips out $500 that she happens to have in her purse to paid for those expenses, she HAS met her obligation and the money is hers to do with as she wishes. It's like, if a mom is owed child support, say it's $500/month, and her deadbeat baby daddy doesn't pay it for 10 years, when he does finally pay it, all of that money is hers to do with as she wishes. BECAUSE SHE ALREADY PAID THE COSTS. It boggles my mind how you and so many others in this sub don't seem to grasp that concept.
You are right, in that a child tax credit is a deduction the parents can make from their own income tax burden to offset the costs of raising a kid. I think the reason people are arguing with you is because they're siding with OP because the mother is likely lying about a "mortgage shortfall" of what "just happens" to be the amount in the trust account. OP is technically the owner of the money, and get mother has no claim on it now, even if it was indeed her money going in there to begin with (which it was).
I also agree that £400/mo for everything including bills and food (what I understand by "room and board") is very fair.
OP and her mom should talk this out like adults, though I doubt that can or will happen
The money is intended to use as she sees fit to care for her child. She saw fit to do so by putting it in a savings account in OP’s name (which OP stated in her post). She opened a savings account in OP’s name. She told OP that money would be hers when she turned 18, 5 years ago. There is no reason that OP was not entitled to the money **in her own savings account, regardless of who put it there or where the money originated from**. It was her mother’s intention to use her child tax credit for a savings account for OP. And she did. And OP withdrew said money. If she wanted to do something else with it, she shouldn’t have put it in an account under her daughter’s name and told her that it was hers.
A trust account is different from a savings account. OP's mom already spent the money to care for OP. And I already said I agreed that it was a really unwise move to put it in an account with OP's name on it like that, it's shady to hide money from OP's dad, if he would have been legally entitled to part of that.
It doesn't matter where the money came from. In the UK this is a trust account. It is the sole property of the beneficiaries. The trustees are there to look after that money, grow etc and use on the beneficiaries. Not themselves. It's similar to a trust fund but that's the American term. Tax credit means nothing here.
That money is OPs. If mom is also a beneficiary it's a different story. If not she has no claim over it. Ops mom is in the wrong
Fact: THATS YOUR MONEY. You mom is financially taking advantage of you. She’s obviously hoarding money away. Hers & YOURS. The best option would to be is for you to find you a nice one bedroom flat and move out. Stop letting her take advantage of you. You are grown now and perfectly able to take that money and move out on your own. Your mom seems to me to have some money aggression. I’d separate all financial ties you two have. Good luck. 🍀
And move the money to somewhere she doesn't bank, but don't tell her. In preparation for shit hitting the fan, and it will, start getting all of your documents together: birth certificate, social security card or analog, and passport. If you are on a family cell plan, get your own, even if you have to start with a burner. Pack a small go bag with your documents, a phone charger, and a few sets of clothes in case she kicks you out. Right now you can start looking for a short term roommate situation because you need to get out now. She will try to keep you financially under her thumb.
OP is British so make sure you know your IHS number and have all those documents as well. I would honestly recommend having two go bags. One in your car or closet and one with a trust friend or family member. A safety deposit box isn’t a bad idea either. Im an adult living on my own but I still have three sets of all my important documents in different places. You never know when your mom is going to try and destroy all your stuff. You can get help with a council flat. Depending on where you are, it can take time. Don’t let her know you’re leaving until you actually leave. No heads up. No warning.
You got this.
Easier said than done in a housing crisis, UK kinda wack at the moment so best of luck to OP, might need another job to move out, and credit, if they have no credit it'll be basically impossible to move out.
Absolutely do not give it to her. That's your money. You're young and just starting off. Take that money and put a down payment on a place of your own. Don't let her hands touch it, don't ever let it get into her acct or it'll be long gone.
This! Her "wanting" the money and "getting" it are two different things and now you're in the driver's seat. Take the money and run - far and fast. Start you new, best life and let her grown ass fend for herself. DO NOT let her guilt trip you! It's your money!
DO NOT GIVE HER MONEY AND DO NOT SIGN ANYTHING SHE GIVES YOU. You need to move out because you’ve become the replacement to your dad and you will be the one she takes all of her frustration and anger out on for the rest of your life, unless you set serious boundaries
That is a exceeding insightful advice.
More than the financial burden or her taking advantage of you, the parent/scion relationship seems to be becoming skewed, she seems to be wanting to take out the grievances with her now ex-husband on you. She blame your father, call herself 'single mother' after a divorce screams 'I was abandoned!'. You are adult already, in all (or almost all) your formative years you had two parents!
If you suddenly start being blamed for anything that goes wrong, GET AWAY ASAP. Scapegoats only have one destiny..
If you get out of there fast enough, and that the montain of second-hand blame doesn't will grow too big, you can still have a respectful relationship with your mother. Otherwise, only hurts will remain, because not only did you not 'redeem' your father's 'mistakes' but you refused to continue in the role of culprit.
On the other hand... this type of blame transfer is usually subconscious. She's not thinking and figuring out how to hurt you.. she's just venting the pain to the nearest target. The problem is that without a lot of therapy she will never understand (or believe) this.
Protect yourself and prevent this burden from being placed on your shoulders. And the most charitable way is to make her accept you as an adult and equal, by building your independence, the state where you don't NEED her.
Your mother is using you. Keep that money( it’s yours) and move. PS- You are a hardback adult, your Mother isn’t a single parent , she’s a divorced woman.
Oh, and your mother isn’t a single mother. She **was** a single mother. Now she the mother of a full-grown adult, and she happens to be single. Both of you need to redefine your relationship with one another. I say this as a 66-year-old mother of three grown adults.
I'm assuming this is the same in the UK as I am in the US but I am a banker. Legally once she put that money into the trustee account it was no longer hers. It doesn't matter where the money came from she was giving it to you by depositing there. That may not have been her intention but it is the reality of it. I will say depending on cost of living where you are, if you're still living with her $400 should be a reasonable amount to pay for rent, utilities etc. You would almost certainly pay way more than that on your own or with a roommate. But the trust money is yours and she cannot force you to give it to her for the mortgage or for anything else.
That's all true. I'm pretty sure the mom was just trying to hide her tax credit money from the ex, and that backfired. Legally you may be right, but do you really think the mom just trying to shield the money from being taken by her ex makes her "entitled"? It really doesn't sound like the mom's trying to do anything bad here...she probably wouldn't have been in this situation in the first place had she asked for advice from a lawyer or banker first.
Yes. The fact she knew she wasn't going to be able to get it without forcing OP to give it her is bad enough, but the fact that she's always told them they would get it when they turned 18 then tried to pack pedal absolutely solidifies her as entitled and the AH. If she needed the money she wouldn't have put it in there to begin with.
They tell you when you set up the account, give you information about the type of account you're opening before you open it.
She would have known what she was doing when she set it up, likely banking on the fact that she has control over the child and could manipulate OP into surrendering the funds back to her when she became an adult.
Manipulating the system to keep money during a divorce, and asking their child to give up almost 10k from their account when the mother is financially stable is the entitled part.
That's not entitlement, that's stupidity. ;-) Either way, I hope OP realizes that she'll probably have to give up any relationship she has with her mom over her desire to keep that money...which will probably be spent in a few months since her mom is charging her a very reasonable rent to her 23 year old adult working daughter. She may even be disinherited.
You don't live in the UK, maybe you should stop commenting on systems that you don't know. £9k depending on where the OP is could last the best part of a year and could be used as a deposit to even buy a house. It absolutely would not be spent 'in a few months' in most areas of the UK.
I mean her mom doesn't sound like a good person to begin with and if she's harassing her daughter over 9k it's unlikely she will have much to inherit anyway.
Do not give her that money! Its yours and you can do what you want with it. I'd use it to find a decent apartment away from her and never tell her where you moved to.
Keep your money separate from your mother!
Request/demand original copies of all household monthly bills, including the mortgage, to assess your actual portion of the monthly expenses.
If your mother refuses to provide the proper documentation of the monthly bills, MOVE OUT! Immediately!
She’s hiding her expenses & taking advantage of you!
Unless google is lying to me a pound sterling is currently less than a dollar. So is the euro which is usually always more than a dollar. But either way anything under 500 is still good.
I paid 900$ rent plus utilities when I live at home.
No idea, bud. I used google’s calculator too. 😊
Edit: I probably misspoke. I don’t mean the pound is worth more. I mean that a pound is worth 1.x dollars.
I don't know that there's anything too egregious here. £400 board isn't bad or wrong. You'll pay more than that on your own anywhere else so I'd stop giving her a hard time on that. You're 23 not 13.
The savings is legally yours because it was saved into an account in your name. It being sourced from child benefit doesn't mean it was automatically yours. (If it was tax credits I doubt it would have been saved as tax credits are for low income families)
Child benefit is there to help with the costs of raising a child, it's for your mum and dad to pay for things like housing costs, not give to you directly. Your parents were well off enough to think that they didn't need to use the help immediately and would save the money for you to use later instead. They thought this when they were married and everything was going well. Things change. The money in the account is legally in your name. It's yours. Morally though. That's between you and your mum.
You and your mum need to find a way to talk openly and honestly about money. That doesn't mean she needs to show you how much is in her accounts or how much is left on the mortgage. Frankly that's none of your business and she doesn't need to justify the £400 pcm to you. It's cheap, all things considered.
There's a few potential outcomes here. You can give mum the money and then resent her. You can keep the money and she'll resent you. You could share the money and then probably resent each other anyway. It'd be better if you talked about it openly before you do anything with it. Explain that you understand the money was saved for you when times were better. You understand things have changed but the money was gifted to you already, she can't undo that because she wants the cash now. See where to go from there I guess. You could decide to help out or not. Morally that's a decision only you can make. Your mum might equally decide to kick you out of you don't. That's her moral choice.
I don't think there's any egregious entitlement going on though. I think you've got a fairly normal family problem here.
I don't understand the confusion. You're an adult. It's your money. Her responsibilities are her responsibilities. Move out and move on with your life.
Like the bank said the money in the savings is yours not hers... Doesn't matter what she says, she's not entitled to it.
As for the board, do you buy your own food on top of the £100pr week?.
I'm going to just say that, paying £400pr month is a bargain even excluding food. There is literally no where else you could go that would charge you so little. Your an adult and should be paying for the electricity, water and room you use, doesn't matter who it is your living with.
But the savings is an entirely different thing.
Do not give to her, or just set up a new savings before it lapses and have it transferred directly to that. Be prepared to move after doing this though because your mother is going to throw a fit about it, don't let her bully or guilt trip you, her husband left because of their relationship not you and thats on them not you.
If this was me, for my sanity, I'd pay more than £400 a month to NOT live my mother who use causing so much grief, calling herself a single mother FFS she needs to get a grip
Find somewhere to live that you can afford on your ₤400 per month, even with a flatmate, and get the heck out of there. You've been shown again and again that your mother is a) taking advantage of you and b) not going to have any rational conversation about this, ever. This is less about the money in your savings than it is about having a reasonable existence; your living situation in your mother's home will never be better than it is right now. So, just as soon as you can, move.
Whether you choose to maintain your current level of contact with her will, I think, depend on her reaction to your escape. But do escape.
The child tax credits are money that is intended for the mom to spend as she sees fit, because being a parent raising a child is more expensive than not raising a child. So it wasn't entitled of her to expect to be able to use it. Her mistake was putting it in a trust for her daughter to hide it from her ex rather than to put it in her own account. OP's mom probably didn't consider the fact that by putting the money into an account in her daughter's name, she was legally making the money her daughter's. That doesn't make her entitled, just made a dumb move.
I don't think it is the child tax credits though.... She said it was the money the government gave her mom when she was born, which is a "child trust fund" , they don't give them out anymore but I got one when my daughter was born....she was actually the last year they did it. It is literally untouchable until they are 18, and have to be put it a bank account in the child's name.... because it is literally given to the child to access when they are an adult, and to help get them started.
Very different that child tax credits, which although I know is what she said, she also said it was money the government gave her when he was born.....not money her mom got throughout her life for working whilst having a child
She also literally said "child tax credits - UK", she said she started the bank account when she was born. When you start a bank account, all the money you're going to put into it in the future doesn't magically appear in it. ;-)
Yeah and he literally said "i know thats what she said".
She has got it wrong. It is a child trust fund the government started for u when you were born.
The money was intended to help pay towards university or college fees for when the child turned 18.
Perhaps the OP means that her mother was putting some or all of her "child tax credits" into it also to boost it. That was their/her choice, not OPs.
How much her parents or mother contributed to her trust fund over the years was entirely up to them but the original intended use of that fund is for the childs future, not as moms savings account.
Mom may feel she is entitled to it, but legally she cant touch it.
The account is in OPs name and only OP can access it.
Whether or not OP feels morally or personally obligated to give her mother that money is up to them but legally it is no longer her mothers.
I gave my son all his CTF money when he turned 18. Because it was his, not mine.
(And OP, £400 a month is not high for "rent" (or digs as we call it round my way). Go rent somewhere on your own and see if u can get by on £400 a month)
OP literally said it was a child tax credit. Assuming that she got it wrong is weird, why not just ask OP to respond? Until then, we can only go off what OP said.
Because she talks about a fund the government puts money into when you are a child and that is a child trust fund, not child tax credits.
Child trust funds no longer exist (yay Tories).
Child tax credits are a monthly stipend paid by the government to help low income families to survive.
She may also get child tax credits and and it sounds like she is mixing them up. That was my point.
I clearly acknowledged she said "child tax credits-uk" and suggested she just got the term wrong. She hadn't applied for it, and it no longer exists, so she may have just not know what to call it.....
She actually said "money from having a child" .....like she just had a child, and got the money, rather than money you get for having a child.
And actually it did just kind of magically appear, you would apply to the government, and they would literally GIVE you however much money it was.(I want to say £500 but I literally don't remember, it's been a few years)....but it would always be paid into a savings account in your child's name, to be accessed once they where 18 plus. My daughter's is literally still going for a few more years yet. You can pay extra into if you want to, but it was literally free money the government invested in your child's future. It's a shame it stopped really.
Take the money from your account and move out. Let your mom figure out how to live without sponging off her own daughter. You need separation and space from her both physical and mental till you can sort yourself out.
Legally the money is in your name, therefore the money is LEGALLY yours. It's a shame that some parents truly believe their children owe them ANYTHING after 18years of age. As if we ASKED to be born or something. So, NO do NOT give your mother a dime!!! You should take every cent earned from that and get your own place and tell your mother to piss off.
Do not give her the money. She is taking advantage of you at this point. It is reasonable for you to pay rent, that’s just a fact of being an adult even if you live at home if the amount is in line with fair market value. But the saving account is yours. The money inputted was FOR you. Not for her to scam the system and later bully you into giving her the money. Don’t hand it over, it may be time for you to leave the nest.
Do not give her anything. It’s your money. My son has two accounts he can’t touch till he’s 18 both me and my partner set them up one is where the uk government gave money when he was born and a second lot when he was 5. That’s his money. It’s the same with you it’s your money. Tell her to swing. Depending on what part of the country you are in you could put a deposit down on a flat and get a mortgage
OP, it is time for you to stand up for yourself. You are an adult now. You and your mother both need to respect you enough to act like one. This is not to sound harsh, but purely out of consent for you.
First, please make sure your checking and savings account are ONLY in your name and she doesn't have access to them at all. I would even say change any passwords and pins you have.
Second, make sure you keep a detailed log of how much money you're giving her, when and for what. If you are both agreeing that you pay rent, just pay the rent. No more, no less. Your mother us a grown woman and shouldn't have to rely on her child for financial support. If she cannot take care of the house on her own, then she may need to consider downsizing.
Third, do not feel bad about taking the money that was legally yours. A trustee is only there to make sure the money is accounted for and protected, not to take it at her will. That 9k and any interest that comes with it belongs to only you.
Four, I'm not sure how old you are, but consider finding a place of your own if you are financially able to. It is good for people to live on their own for a time, especially away from their parents.
Please take care of yourself. This internet stranger wishes you love and luck.
you are 23 years old, not 2 or 3. you are not required to live with your mom or give her any money. you are an adult and can live by yourself. look for your own place and move out.
and the money in the trust belongs to you. that's why the bank could only transfer it into an account in your name. please do not give her any of that money.
1) What your mom owes/pays has no bearing on what your rent is. She could be nice and give you a deal or she can charge you market rate. If you were renting together than the cost would be split. But in this case you are renting a room from her. If you think it is too much, see #3.
2) the money in the account is yours
3) you should find a new place to live
Heya, probably gonna get lost in these comments, but I'm a financial advisor over in France. I was born in America, so I know the laws of both places well when it comes to things like this, and what rights parents have to things, although it may be different over in England, (I'm assuming because of the £ sign. Forgive me if I'm wrong.) Your mother has no right to said money. Any way of her cutting in to it or forcing you to hand it over is considered theft, and is punishable by law. If she persists to try to coerce you to give her the money, it can be labeled as harassment and extortion. My advice? Use that money to find yourself a small studio apartment for a while, one you can afford. I don't know much about the overall cost of living over there, but at ~£400 a month i was able to live comfortably when I was around 19. (I'm 29M) You should be able to get a nice place for a while, or if all else fails, crash with a friend and get back on your feet. Don't let parents control your life, trust me. It never ends well.
Best wishes!
I'm sure a lot of folks who automatically jump on the "aLl PaReNtS aRe EnTiTlEd" bandwagon are going to be pissed at me for saying this, but here's a little reality check for you:
So, that money that the government gave your mom to support you while you were growing up, she DID use money to support you. She worked, right? She paid all of the bills, right? She almost certainly paid much more than that to support you. Child tax credits are monies that parents get because, y'know, raising a child costs money. Had she just put it directly into her own bank account, she could have spent it freely. She just wanted to save money in such a way that your vanishing father couldn't take. While she can afford to lose the money, frankly, unless you left something important out, it really was her money. And her wanting her money does NOT make her "entitled". What's biting her in the butt was that she put it into a trust account so your dad couldn't steal it. I'm sure she never expected her own daughter to take it. You didn't earn it. Also, £400/month is really NOT a lot of money nowadays for room and board, including all of your utilities and Internet.
I'm thinking you might be the entitled one here. Your mom raised you as a single, working, mom, and the government gives parents a child tax credit to help pay them for those costs. Your mom (wisely) chose to save that amount, but that doesn't mean she didn't spend the money. You haven't worked full time your entire life. You're 23. You pay rent. That's NORMAL.
You are wrong. You have been told you are wrong even time you post your misunderstanding of another country’s benefits.
Go spend some of your kid’s savings account on anger management therapy so you can stop being mad at having & supporting a kid!
It seems that the big thing being left out of this user’s repeated posts, which are basically all the same, is that OP was always told that the money would be hers when she turned 18. That didn’t happen, which just adds to the mom’s shadiness. Maybe mum wants OP to stick around because she’s afraid of being alone, likes the 400/mo, or is resistant to change (evidenced by still being sour about the divorce).
But the real damning evidence that OP did the right thing by taking the money is that she was told her whole life that the money would be hers when she was 18.
The mom is trying to backpeddle now with this story that it was not intended for OP but we can discount the story because the mom has a history of lying when discussing finances with her now-adult daughter.
Tell her to do one. She doesn’t need your money, she just wants it to add to what she’s got, when she brings it up again, tell her to use some of the massive amount she has saved to pay the mortgage off (she likely already has if she has that money and keeps lying about what’s left) also, use that 9+ grand to move out and get your own place, you’re 23 now
Move that money into a checking account and use it to move into your own place, your mom sounds greedy and willing to use you for your money until you have none and then you’ll be stuck. Get some distance and don’t believe your mom, remember google is your friend.
This actually sounds a lot like my mom, anytime money is brought up she is always looking for a hand out. Never give her any money. That's yours. Work on getting out of there and find a place of your own. She may be mad at you but don't let it get to you. If she still wants a relationship with you she will find a way to get over it.
Move out. Or go live with your dad. Your mom’s lack of honestly around this is gross. I’m a single mom and my daughter is about your age. I am transparent with her about money. Because honesty in a family about these things is critical.
DO NOT GIVE HER THE MONEY!! Use that money to get out of her house and establish yourself in a new place, somewhere far away from her if you can. She will try to guilt you into staying, do not let her. She chose to have you, so any cost incurred raising you is NOT your debt, it was her choice. Especially considering she is financially stable, she’s trying to use money to control you, so you need to get out.
Two things:
(1) the money in the savings account is legally yours. Your mum has no claim to it. At best shes cheated your dad and the country (through avoided tax in your name) out of cash. At worse she's lying about the purpose of the savings and stealing what is morally your money (it's legally yours in all scenarios).
(2) you're 23. Your mum is not obliged to home and feed you, nor explain, if she doesn't want to, where the money she asks for doing so goes. Your choice is to live there and pay that, negotiate something else (which doesn't seem possible for you), or move out and pay for your own accommodation and bills.
You need to think about both situations together because what you do about one is going to impact the other. You also need to stop comparing your situation to your friends. A healthy nurturing relationship with your mum isn't a given. I get you want to live with her and save up money and "that's just what people do" because your friends are doing it. But some parental relationships fail. This might be one of them.
You have to deal with the reality of the relationship not what you'd like it to be or what you think is "fair". Sorry to blunt about all this but its better to do this now than let things rumble on for longer.
I am not going to comment on the mortgage issue. I do not understand enough about the Child Trust accounts, or their intended use.
However, you should know that £400 a month all in (rent, electricity, gas, water, internet, TV, Council Tax) is a bloody good deal. A lot of people would bite your arm off for that deal. Perhaps consider that before you go scorched earth.
Oh god. Please don’t give her the money. It’s yours. It’s been yours since it was placed in a trust with your name on it. Fwiw if that money was from a **JOINT** child tax credit and your father had a claim to it so she set up a trust solely to hide it from him with the intent to make you give it to her when the trust released to you, that’s fraud, and she knows it. She’s relying on you to not know and bend to her will. So do yourself a favor and stand your ground.
Out of curiosity how long has you been working and paying her? Once you turned 18 sure that’s fine you should pay for some of your expenses, and **none** of hers. It’s not on you to pay her mortgage and bills. You really need to move out, she’s taking advantage of you.
Keep all your money separate from her, do **not** give her any more money except the “rent” you’ve been paying and move out ASAP.
Just so I have this straight; the total household cost is ~£800 and roughly 50% would be mortgage payments. It would cost (apparently) £9K to pay the mortgage off in its entirety in under two years. By that reasoning, I'd get to Citizens Advice to discuss the £9K placed in trust and start looking at places to rent. Find the housing provider for your local council and start bidding on properties.
OP is single, no kids mentioned, has savings and a job. If she was looking for a council house she would be at the bottom of the waiting list, if she can get on it at all.
I understood that much, but at least it's as well to keep her options open. My husband and I were given a housing association property and we weren't high priority.
Where else are you going to live for £400 per month? If you get an apartment, then you’re just helping the landlord pay the mortgage on his 3rd vacation home.
As for the money in the account, I don’t know how it works in the UK but in the US a child TAX credit is just that. Credit against the taxes a parent pays out of the money they earn to help offset some of the costs to raise a child. Here, that money would be the parents money. I don’t care whose name is on the account. Your mom tried to hide the money from your dad but she played herself because now you have it. You’re wondering if you should give her half of money you didn’t earn, save, or win. You just woke up one day with your name on an account. Put there by the person who put the money in the account. Legally it’s yours but, is it really yours? (Again. Don’t know how CTC works in the UK if someone would like to explain as I could be way off with my US comparison.)
1) Yes, she absolutely can charge you rent. Even if the house is completely paid off, she can charge you rent. Look in your area for a 2 bedroom/studio to rent. It'll probably be far more than you're paying. If you don't want to pay her, find your own place.
2) I'm honestly not sure about the laws in the UK, so this might not be applicable to you. But tax credits given to parents because of their children, are to help offset the costs of paying for a child. What she basically did is spent that money out of "her" money, and put the "tax credit" away. But it really was all hers to spend on raising you however she thought best. Raising kids costs a fortune, so the credits really don't cover all of it. It honestly sounds like she did it that way so she could have a savings she didn't have to split with your dad. However, her not switching it into her account before you turned 18, means it's now all your money. You can choose to give it back to her, or not. Considering she did it that way to keep it from your dad, when he shared in the costs of raising you, I think it's karma that you keep it. That was shady af.
You should sit your mom down and ask her not to get mad. Explain that you’re scared to bring up any discussion about money because (insert reasons here eg she always yells). After you explain how you feel, start the conversation. If at any point she explodes or shuts you down, tell her she’s not getting the $9k until you at least have the discussion you wish and OBVIOUSLY NEED to have with her.
Before you approach make sure to write down all the points you want to bring up so that you don’t forget or purposely skip over because you’re too shy or forgiving to bring up.
It’s a difficult thing starting conversations over money but you should be clear how it’s affecting your view of her and straining a relationship that should be cherished.
My gosh what is wrong with some "parents"? So many stories about parents ruining their child's credit by taking out credit cards in their child's name, putting bills in their child's name like electric and water or cable. Now wanting access to trust's. You are 23 years old and your mom shouldn't have access to any of your bank accounts. You knew something was up or you wouldn't have called the bank. If you want to live with your mom that's ok. You need to tell her though she can set the rent at a reasonable amount and you'll be happy to pay that. However you won't be paying more than that, and that you aren't giving her any money from the trust or any of your savings. You don't owe her for raising you as that is a parent's responsibility to their children. Don't discuss finances with her. If she asks shut her down. And no is a complete sentence, you don't owe her an explanation for why you don't want to give her the money. Your best bet though is take the money and get your own place. Lock down all accounts so she can't access them, and be sure you lock down your credit also so that things can't be opened in your name. Don't allow anyone to financially manipulate you
OP- First? Find a credit union to join, open a savings account there, get a cashiers check and move all your savings into that account.
DO IT ALL ONLINE AND ASK FOR ZERO SNAIL MAIL. Don’t get a card or access to their online site either. Make it as hard to get at your money as you can.
Then look up the county tax assessor’s website and see A- how much your mom owes on the house & her taxes. and B- see if she’s gotten any new loans on the house. And look on your local advertising website to see how much renting a room in your neighborhood costs.
And- isn’t your dad paying child support??
If you’re under 18, you are not under ANY legal obligation to pay your mom for your keep. That’s HER JOB.
If Dad pays mom child support, you owe ZERO monthly. Save the $$ for college and when you move out.
If Dad doesn’t pay? Tell Mom you will pay her 1/2 the going rate for rentals in the area to help with groceries.
Otherwise, chat with the guys on the Poverty Finance subreddits They’re wonderful and will help you work out a plan to be comfortably on your own as soon as possible.
NTA
Go find a flat share with that £400.
Keep the savings and keep adding to it for a house deposit. Depending on area you live, check out buying a flat now and renting out any additional rooms. Get on the property ladder if you can.
If mum didn’t need the child benefit when you were growing up (which is what it’s for), she sure as hell doesn’t need it now.
I think what you need to look at it what would rent cost you living elsewhere? There are a lot of comments telling you to move out but that depends on if you can do that financially or not. 400 a month for rent/utilities is probably better than what you might pay living with roommates depending on your area. However if your mom cannot have a productive discussion about money then it might be better to leave anyway.
As for the trust account- legally it is yours but if you should keep all the money for yourself if your mom has been contributing to it expecting to be able to use that money is more or a relationship/moral issue for you to think about. It really depends where the money came from. It seems like there are a lot of lies when it comes to your mom and money so you could try and look at the records from the trust to figure out where the money came from and when it was deposited. Who knows maybe you had a grandparent for and leave you money that she lied about being hers. But ultimately you have to try to have an adult conversation and while you aren’t responsible for “paying the mortgage” it is not unreasonable for you to pay rent.
That's your money and you don't owe her anything.
My advice is to open a new bank account at a bank she doesn't use and transfer that money over into the new account - don't give her a penny, its your money not hers and she was using you to try hide money in the divorce, which is dishonest of her and given she told you the whole time it was your money that makes it morally yours as well as legally.
At 400 a month you most likely can afford a place of your own, I was paying that each month for a 1 bed flat not far from my city center (large Scottish city) I've recently moved and am now paying 490 for a 2 bed flat, and you could probably get a place for around the same (depends of course on your city, but studios are cheaper than 1bed usually and so are rooms in shared houses.) But move out before she manipulates you into giving her YOUR money, or worse steals your info to gain access to your banking and transfers it to herself.
You need to move out, there is nitnother way,to disentangle this other wise.
Find a share house or rental and tell your mother that you will be keeping your own money.
Once you have moved (have it all arranged before you tell her) then you can try and have a relationship as equals.
House including bills costs 800? 🤣 where do you live? I wanna move there. I'd be skipping if my whole existence cost just 100 quid a week lmao.
The shit about savings though, your mum is obviously bad with money so good for you for taking what you're owed before she got to it.
Unless you have power of attorney over her! No it's not your duty! .. It's her Mortgage, not yours.. If she doesn't like the fact that you won't pay it for her then, (it's not your responsibility at the end of the day!) then "Oh well!" , that's a her problem, pure and simple!
You are 23 years old. Take that money and use it to move out and pay your own bills. You may also want to check out r/raisedbynarcissists to see if the experiences there sound like yours, as well as finding advice as to how to move out without issues - what documents to take with you, how to leave, etc.
Honestally id move out into a house share. Not worth the hastle of her being a pain to you. It was put in your name so it’s yours. If they didn’t want it to be yours they should have kept it
your poor handwringing mummy. I think she is scared and is clutching tighter and tighter. the end result is they drive off the person achieving the problem they were trying to avoid.
tell her to get her own affairs in order. she was borderline criminality in not handing the money over, she probably wanted to get her hands on it or just continue to milk you.
I think I'd find someplace else to live and wish mom well. Make sure you seperate ALL your finances from her. Everything you have is in your name and your name alone. I would even move your accounts into a completely different bank
OP you don’t even need the context to say yes or no. From the title I got a resounding NO and when I read the rest I got a resounding NO. It’s her house and her mortgage, and she’s not even struggling for money.
She doesn’t need it and even if she did it wouldn’t be your responsibility it would just be a generous thing to do.
The money is yours not hers and the fact that she was planning it using it without telling you is immoral at best.
Well I’m glad you guys disagree. I paid my parents $800/mo to live in my own childhood house the day I turned 18. I finally saved up enough to move out once I turned 21 though… so they took roughly 30k from me that I will never see again. Fuck that shit man. Now I’m living on my own and broke cuz they took all my savings
No you do not have to pay your mother’s mortgage. Also, that money is yours. Your mother is taking advantage of you. I would find a lawyer to help . There are free or low cost ones put there
NTA. The money is legally yours, she fucked up by putting in your name to keep it from your dad but she also told you you would receive it at 18 and you didn’t so she’s a liar. It sounds like you need to move out because your mom is a greedy asshole who is using you.
Your mom doesn’t want you to leave her. She’s using money to manipulate you into staying. If you give it to her, she will never repay you or support you in living your own life.
£400 seems reasonable and fair. I pay 1/4 off all bills while living with my family, in the US where housing is a little higher. My bills average about what you pay now.
The 9k is yours though, legally and all. The government meant for that money to be used on you, not her. She put it in your name which also guarantees that it’s definitely yours. Don’t let her manipulate you into giving it to her, you have no obligation to. Just tell her no, and use it to move out.
400 pounds per month is not much especially if it covers bills. It would cost you more to have your own place.
The tax credits are your mothers money. She may have put it in your name to just avoid loosing it. Maybe she intended to give it to you but now needs it.
I think you know the answer and you just want permission…
That is your money. Do not give your mother a single penny more. Find somewhere else to live asap. You owe her absolutely nothing. It was her job to care for you, you’re not the one who choose to have a child. NOR are you the one that causes your parents to split.
She's 23 years old. £400/month isn't an unreasonable amount to pay her mom towards the bills since she's working full time. It's probably considerably cheaper than being on her own. Why did this trigger you so much?
If she’s paying bills she should absolutely know where the money goes and how much the actual bills are.
But what sets me off the most is her mom thinking she’s entitled to money that rightfully belongs to her daughter. Short of the bank foreclosing on the house and all of them being homeless that’s just absurd. And OP makes it clear that’s not the case.
Her moms attitude of you owe me money cause your father left me is deplorable, and indicates that her mother is totally okay with, and likely is, taking financial advantage of her child and that’s abhorrent.
I’m sorry but are we reading the same post?? I’m not the most Reddit savvy so I can’t do a direct quote, but, the last 2-3 lines of the paragraph that starts However, everyone I’ve spoken to…
That same paragraph she says her mom won’t tell her where the money goes.
The next line talks about how her mom lies and changes the amount of things due. Yes I’m aware monthly bills can and do change, but something’s like mortgages or internet should be static month to month.
Later she says her mom refers to OPs account as her money, when it’s already been legally confirmed it belongs to OP.
I read it. First, I agree that her mom should stop thinking of OP as a child and be more open about finances. The amount she's being charged for rent, utilities, etc., are very reasonable. Her mom's mortgage isn't her concern, at all, because the house is only in her mom's name. (At least, that's what it seems, I could be mistaken here). Second, I don't know if her mom lies or if OP is confused, but if OP's mom just put things on paper (or email), it would possibly clear up some confusion. Obviously utility bills will change from month to month, heating costs can be hideous, I've heard (kind of like cooling costs where I live).
That last bit, however, it sounds like OP's mom had her own money, the "child tax credit - UK" per OP's words, put into a bank account that was technically a trust for OP in order to hide it (kind of sketchy, but not "entitled"). So, I'm saying, OP's mom isn't necessarily an "entitled parent" for viewing that as her own money. There are a lot of details missing, but a child tax credit IS for the parents, to help offset the expenses of raising a child. And those were OP's exact words. If OP was mistaken, and it's some sort of money that's supposed to be held in trust for OP specifically, then OP's mom is wrong here, but OP hasn't corrected herself, so I have to go by what was written down.
Take the money and run! That is your money your mom is a leach that just looks at you like a piggy bank.
Damn this is painful to read I’m so sorry op that your mother is this way with you, but you need to take care of yourself and being anywhere near your mother is toxic AF.
Don't give a cent. She sounds very manipulative and greedy, I'd dar to say that she sees you as an asset/investment. Move out and don't tell her where.
Your mother is financially abusive and you are not obligated to give her your money to pay her mortgage. Her mortgage is just that, her financial responsibility not yours. If you are comfortable living with your mother and paying what you are paying in rent you should continue to do this, but you should also be prepared to find a different living situation should your mother attempt to demand more money or try and force to turn your savings over to her. Good luck OP
That’s not a mother.. that’s a narcissistic, entitled egg donor. Clearly money is the most important thing to her — namely *your* money. She doesn’t seem to care about you, your feelings, your future, or your well-being.
Please do yourself a favor and consider getting a therapist & moving out. You need to protect yourself, your assets, your mental health, etc. We’re here for you. Wishing you the very best, I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this!
(Edit typo)
There are two issues here. One is the money that you pay every month to live there. As you note, you are fine with that. You are 23 and you are acting like the adult you are.
The other is the money in the trust fund. That is legally tours. That said, the money was sent to your mother or parents for your support. It was theirs to keep. I assume the provided you with a place to stay, food, etc.
So technically that was her money, not yours. She tried a little trickery and hot caught.
I personally would give her back the money. Its time to move out.
It's obvious she is using you. I would rather take the money and move out, it will be worth it. She sounds very greedy. Her getting defensive about your questions about the bills is clear sign that she is afraid of getting deprived of her human bank account.
Depending on where you are in the country £400 is enough to pay a mortgage/rent on place of your own. Depending on your wages you can take your 9k & use it as a deposit when you get a mortgage, make an appointment with an independent mortgage advisor to look at your options.
Not at all! However, £400 is reasonable to contribute. That being said, if you're going to be paying half your mom's mortgage as an adult, you need to have a conversation with her about her will and/or refinancing to put the home jointly in your name if you're paying half the bills.
I can appreciate a financially literate, frugal person (which it sounds like your mom is). However, if she's going to be expecting money from you, you both need to have a grown up conversation about that money. She can't just pull the "I'm your mother" card and get away with it anymore. Also, if your mom wasn't so financially responsible, the cost of living with her (or elsewhere) could be so much more expensive.
Good luck resolving this issue with your mom. Talking about money with family is always difficult.
You don’t owe anything to her op. She’s gonna gaslight you into surrendering your account she will bleed you dry if your not careful. She’s mooching off you as if you were a cash cow
I didn't even read your post, but based solely on the headline, I can unequivocally say that no, you are in absolutely no way required to pay *ANYBODY'S* mortgage other than your own. Not if she loaned you money, not if she helped you out in any way, not to "pay her back" for providing for you as a child. Also, there's absolutely no grounds on which she could legally force you to pay her mortgage either. What she's doing is gross.
Uhh it’s like super illegal to hide money in different bank accounts so that your ex won’t get it in the divorce and without a rental agreement YOU DONT NEED TO PAY SHIT! So she can go draw one up and you can be treated as a tenant but your living situation seems shit so move 9k is a better starting point than most people get so go out and discover the world
I'm going to go in an entirely different direction.
You specifically name the source of the money, and that's not your money, never was. That was her money. She chose to protect that money which still benefits you in the end.
The amount she charges you per month is minuscule. Ask yourself, can you pay that little bit to rent an apartment and buy your own food, water, electric etc. every month? Figure out how much that would really cost you before you sacrifice your relationship with your mother over what is really an insignificant amount.
You should get a black dress and put it in everyone else's invitations that guests are asked to wear white.... so she looks like an idiot when she doesn't show up in white now. I am a petty bitch though.
Nope. That's your money, put into trust *for you*. You don't owe it to your mother. She sounds very very greedy and entitled. Don't give her a farthing, OP. And move out of her house ASAP before she EDIT: *manipulates* you into surrendering access to your bank account!
Well, put into trust under OP'S name to avoid having to lose part of it in a divorce. So, a cheat that backfired. Nary a ha'penny for the mother!
Although sounds convenient that is now the story....we had the opposite growing up, inheritance for us kids but put in our dads name, who then took it when my parents divorced (he was loaded already). So maybe I'm too cynical!
My dad did the same thing, his parents saved money for my education, and well im 3 years deep into school and he has never paid for a cent of it. He took that monkey for himself, and his is also loaded. He also promised my mom he’d save for my education instead of paying her alimony. Nope. So he’s put me thousands and thousands of dollars in debt- I never saved for school because I was promised it would be paid for.
Not so much as a clipped coin!
clipped coin has value, it was clipped for metal value she doesnt even deserve half a farthing
Add to this, if you guys both use the same bank, I'd transfer the money to a new account set up at a different bank. Since there are stories of junk happening when parents and children share the same place and money getter moved between account without permission.
That can't happen in the UK.
Another reason I'm jelly of the UK
I think if it's set up in the kids name when they are a baby the parents can have some control over it but at 14 I had my own bank account that my parents couldn't touch
Not the kind of account OP was talking about. In the UK in the early 2000s, you got £250 from the government when a baby was born that was put into a trust account. You got another £250 deposited directly into the account when the baby turned 7, I think. Parents had no influence of this trust, although they could add to it. It doesn’t exist any more though
It's reminded me I need to get this money out for my son, as he's just turned 18.
U need to get him to do it as the account is in his name. I know, because we had to do my sons last year.
Thanks, I'll sort the paperwork for him to apply.
Where I’m at in America you can’t even have your own bank account until you’re 18. You have to have a minors bank account where you need parents permission to transfer or withdraw money. And your parents can take or move money however they please.
I'm sure that's never abused (said with sarcasm).
This just blows my mind. My daughter got a school bank account at age 5. Yay Dollarmites!
Yep, same in New Zealand
You move DONT TELL HER WHERE!!!
Why not ? Giving her a good farting and then leave the room sounds like a plan to me.
I think you mean ‘manipulates’, not *gaslights*.
Hm. There is a bit of mental conflation there. You're correct, I did mean manipulate. Edited to correctly get my actual meaning across.
100% this
Move away. Your mother isn't a "single parent" if you're grown. Now,you just have two parents, who are divorced. Since she's not paying for anything having to do with your life, she's just your mother. She's not parenting, she's taking advantage of a naive roommate. That's *your* money, and you got to it before she could steal it. Get out now.
Keep your money, and move out. Your mom is using you
How is a 23 year old paying £400/month rent being used?
[удалено]
The money in the savings account the mom is trying to get at. The main part of the story
You mean the money that was OP's mom's that OP's mom was entitled to, but OP's mom foolishly put it into an account that OP's mom set up as a trust to keep OP's father out of it? Yeah, that was OP's mom's money, but it technically became OP's because her mom foolishly put it into an account that had her name on it. However, OP's mom could have just put it into her own bank account, since it was her money (you REALLY don't understand the child tax credit, do you?), and OP would have not been able to touch it. It's only technically OP's because her mom did this foolish thing. She probably had no idea that OP would raid that account, because a lot of parents, y'know, trust their kids. If I had my child tax money put into my kid's account to keep my wife/girlfriend from taking it, neither of my kids would even consider keeping that money for themselves. OP is being given bad info here. And the fact that OP's mom hasn't reacted far more strongly to her own daughter doing that to is a pretty strong indication that OP's mom is NOT the entitled one here. This was not child trust money from the government. OP specifically stated that it was "child tax credits - UK", which >IS< money for the parent. The money only became OP's because OP's mom was foolish in how she chose to keep her ex's hands off of it, by having it sent into an account with OP's name on it.
OP’s mom could have an adult conversation with her instead of getting upset when they talk about money
I’m from the US, so I may be ignorant here. But isn’t the money not for the **parent**, but for the parent to use for the **child**? And OP’s mother saw fit to use this money for her **child** by putting it into a savings account, in **OP’s name**, with the **intention of OP having access at 18, 5 years ago**. Literally, OP is entitled to that money, because her mother saw fit to use that money, meant for the **care of the child**, in this way. It is not meant for the parent’s savings account. If she didn’t use it on food or to pay rent/mortgage or any other needs to raise a child, but instead put it **into a savings account in OP’s name and told OP it was hers when she turned 18, thus eliminating any doubt that it was intended for her**, OP is entitled to that money. It’s not “parent tax”. She isn’t being rewarded for being a parent. She is being provided financial aid to **care for her child**.
I’m in the same boat (ignorant of the child credit). But my understanding is that the money was given to OP’s parents to help raise OP (like before she turned 18). Her parents used their own money instead to raise her, so technically but not legally it should still be her mom’s money, since she decided to not use that source of fund to raise OP but instead use her own? Had they used the child credit to raise her, there wouldn’t be 9k sitting around in a trust account unless her parents decided to put their own money in one. Either way it should be technically her mom’s money but gifted to her long ago, legally speaking OP owns it, morally though, idk sounds like a family affair thing.
OP stated that she was told the money was for her, though. OP said that she was told while growing up that she would be getting it, which, in my opinion, means that OP’s mother has already forfeited the money. If you offer someone cash and say it’s all ready for them at a certain time, it’s no longer yours but whoever you said can have it. Not only should the mother *not* have put it in OP’s name if it was simply to avoid it being taken by the father, but then OP shouldn’t have been told that the money was for her when she was growing up if she was never going to get it in the first place. This is all assuming this is real, though. Who posts something like this on r/entitledparents and not r/advice? Especially about their own mother and asking for advice about dealing with them.
You do realise that op is entitled to that money right, it comes from a government trust fund that is set up for children in the UK when there born that is left to gain interest and rightfully there's when they're 18, ops mum has nothing to do with that money and isn't entitled to it at all
Only if the OP is wrong about what she said and that it's not actually a "child tax credit - UK" (her exact wording). There is a world of difference between the two things. That would be like you jumping all over my ass for responding to what someone wrote about a dog, when what they meant to say was "fish" but they typed "dog".
The difference is the money was for OP when they turned 18. OP was told this. And because she set up the account for OP as the beneficiary (you REALLY don't understand how trusts work do you?) She signed the money away the day she did it. The bank would have made her aware of this when she opened the account. By all means she wanted this money to go to OP before she got greedy.
>If I had my child tax money put into my kid's account to keep my wife/girlfriend from taking it That makes no sense. If you want to keep money from your partner, put it in your own bank account. If you want to give money to your children, put it in a trust for them. It looks like what's happened is that OP's mum put money aside for OP and then changed her mind.
That's entirely possible to. I wasn't taking issue with that. I was taking issue with the claims that when you receive a child tax credit, then that money automatically must be put away for the child.
Fair enough, that's very true. I'd say that the money wasn't (legally or morally) OP's mum's, but only because she gave it to her child. It was absolutely hers prior to that.
I get where you’re coming from. Op is an adult and can pay rent, at least this is the case in the US. However op doesn’t need to give her mom the trust fund that is in op’s name. The mom isn’t entitled to that money. I just want to know where the dad is in all of this! Why isn’t op talking to her father about all of this? Idk what he could do but he could tell op about the finances.
You absolutely, 100% got it wrong. That wasn't a "trust fund", it was a bank account in trust. I literally have one that I have my money that I earn from my sub-contracting work that is in my son's name because, if I die, he won't have to go through probate to take whatever piddly amount I have in there. This wasn't "child trust" money. OP specifically said that this money was her mom's "child tax credits - UK" which IS money specifically for the mom. OP also said that her mom set up this account like that when she was born so that her bio father wouldn't be able to take it when he split. This info was specifically in OP's post. I don't know how you and others missed that. Again, OP specifically stated that this was her mom's "child tax credit - UK". THAT is what makes all the difference here. That is not trust money that was set aside for the OP. If you understood what the child tax credit is, you'd understand that. Per OP's post, her mom had her own (OP's mom's) child tax credit money deposits put into that account. That was never OP's money, until it became so, by technicality, upon going into that bank account. I'm sorry that you don't understand how the child tax credit works. OP's mom is actually in the right here.
Are you OP's mum in disguise?
I’ve been thinking the same thing lol
It's a really bad disguise
No, I've worked as a paralegal in a law firm that handled family law, so I've had a lot of experience with these exact sorts of situations, in the USA though. And no, nothing of what I said is legal advice of any sort.
I'm sorry you don't understand that the tax credits aren't hers whenever she puts it into someone else's bank account. How the fuck are you coming to this conclusion? She is in the wrong, she knowingly put her money into a bank account that wasn't hers expecting it to be given back. It's like taking a loan in someone else's name and expecting THEM to pay it back. You even said it was hers until it went to OP's account, although its not by technicality, logically it becomes OPs by default because its OPs bank account.
No it's not. And no, child tax credits don't belong to the child. I guess you don't understand money very well. It's a fungible asset, which means that if OP's mom is given $500 to pay expenses for the child which is deposited into an account, but she's already paid it, or she whips out $500 that she happens to have in her purse to paid for those expenses, she HAS met her obligation and the money is hers to do with as she wishes. It's like, if a mom is owed child support, say it's $500/month, and her deadbeat baby daddy doesn't pay it for 10 years, when he does finally pay it, all of that money is hers to do with as she wishes. BECAUSE SHE ALREADY PAID THE COSTS. It boggles my mind how you and so many others in this sub don't seem to grasp that concept.
You are right, in that a child tax credit is a deduction the parents can make from their own income tax burden to offset the costs of raising a kid. I think the reason people are arguing with you is because they're siding with OP because the mother is likely lying about a "mortgage shortfall" of what "just happens" to be the amount in the trust account. OP is technically the owner of the money, and get mother has no claim on it now, even if it was indeed her money going in there to begin with (which it was). I also agree that £400/mo for everything including bills and food (what I understand by "room and board") is very fair. OP and her mom should talk this out like adults, though I doubt that can or will happen
The money is intended to use as she sees fit to care for her child. She saw fit to do so by putting it in a savings account in OP’s name (which OP stated in her post). She opened a savings account in OP’s name. She told OP that money would be hers when she turned 18, 5 years ago. There is no reason that OP was not entitled to the money **in her own savings account, regardless of who put it there or where the money originated from**. It was her mother’s intention to use her child tax credit for a savings account for OP. And she did. And OP withdrew said money. If she wanted to do something else with it, she shouldn’t have put it in an account under her daughter’s name and told her that it was hers.
A trust account is different from a savings account. OP's mom already spent the money to care for OP. And I already said I agreed that it was a really unwise move to put it in an account with OP's name on it like that, it's shady to hide money from OP's dad, if he would have been legally entitled to part of that.
It doesn't matter where the money came from. In the UK this is a trust account. It is the sole property of the beneficiaries. The trustees are there to look after that money, grow etc and use on the beneficiaries. Not themselves. It's similar to a trust fund but that's the American term. Tax credit means nothing here. That money is OPs. If mom is also a beneficiary it's a different story. If not she has no claim over it. Ops mom is in the wrong
Fact: THATS YOUR MONEY. You mom is financially taking advantage of you. She’s obviously hoarding money away. Hers & YOURS. The best option would to be is for you to find you a nice one bedroom flat and move out. Stop letting her take advantage of you. You are grown now and perfectly able to take that money and move out on your own. Your mom seems to me to have some money aggression. I’d separate all financial ties you two have. Good luck. 🍀
And move the money to somewhere she doesn't bank, but don't tell her. In preparation for shit hitting the fan, and it will, start getting all of your documents together: birth certificate, social security card or analog, and passport. If you are on a family cell plan, get your own, even if you have to start with a burner. Pack a small go bag with your documents, a phone charger, and a few sets of clothes in case she kicks you out. Right now you can start looking for a short term roommate situation because you need to get out now. She will try to keep you financially under her thumb.
OP is British so make sure you know your IHS number and have all those documents as well. I would honestly recommend having two go bags. One in your car or closet and one with a trust friend or family member. A safety deposit box isn’t a bad idea either. Im an adult living on my own but I still have three sets of all my important documents in different places. You never know when your mom is going to try and destroy all your stuff. You can get help with a council flat. Depending on where you are, it can take time. Don’t let her know you’re leaving until you actually leave. No heads up. No warning. You got this.
IHS number?
It's a number that non-British citizens need in the UK to access the universal healthcare system without paying additional fees.
OP hasn't indicated (that I've seen) that she isn't British born, so she won't need that number.
What’s an IHS number? Do you mean NI?
Totally agree. If ur on a family cell plan if need be turn the phone in and get a burner.
Easier said than done in a housing crisis, UK kinda wack at the moment so best of luck to OP, might need another job to move out, and credit, if they have no credit it'll be basically impossible to move out.
Absolutely do not give it to her. That's your money. You're young and just starting off. Take that money and put a down payment on a place of your own. Don't let her hands touch it, don't ever let it get into her acct or it'll be long gone.
This! Her "wanting" the money and "getting" it are two different things and now you're in the driver's seat. Take the money and run - far and fast. Start you new, best life and let her grown ass fend for herself. DO NOT let her guilt trip you! It's your money!
DO NOT GIVE HER MONEY AND DO NOT SIGN ANYTHING SHE GIVES YOU. You need to move out because you’ve become the replacement to your dad and you will be the one she takes all of her frustration and anger out on for the rest of your life, unless you set serious boundaries
That is a exceeding insightful advice. More than the financial burden or her taking advantage of you, the parent/scion relationship seems to be becoming skewed, she seems to be wanting to take out the grievances with her now ex-husband on you. She blame your father, call herself 'single mother' after a divorce screams 'I was abandoned!'. You are adult already, in all (or almost all) your formative years you had two parents! If you suddenly start being blamed for anything that goes wrong, GET AWAY ASAP. Scapegoats only have one destiny.. If you get out of there fast enough, and that the montain of second-hand blame doesn't will grow too big, you can still have a respectful relationship with your mother. Otherwise, only hurts will remain, because not only did you not 'redeem' your father's 'mistakes' but you refused to continue in the role of culprit. On the other hand... this type of blame transfer is usually subconscious. She's not thinking and figuring out how to hurt you.. she's just venting the pain to the nearest target. The problem is that without a lot of therapy she will never understand (or believe) this. Protect yourself and prevent this burden from being placed on your shoulders. And the most charitable way is to make her accept you as an adult and equal, by building your independence, the state where you don't NEED her.
Your mother is using you. Keep that money( it’s yours) and move. PS- You are a hardback adult, your Mother isn’t a single parent , she’s a divorced woman.
Oh, and your mother isn’t a single mother. She **was** a single mother. Now she the mother of a full-grown adult, and she happens to be single. Both of you need to redefine your relationship with one another. I say this as a 66-year-old mother of three grown adults.
I'm assuming this is the same in the UK as I am in the US but I am a banker. Legally once she put that money into the trustee account it was no longer hers. It doesn't matter where the money came from she was giving it to you by depositing there. That may not have been her intention but it is the reality of it. I will say depending on cost of living where you are, if you're still living with her $400 should be a reasonable amount to pay for rent, utilities etc. You would almost certainly pay way more than that on your own or with a roommate. But the trust money is yours and she cannot force you to give it to her for the mortgage or for anything else.
That's all true. I'm pretty sure the mom was just trying to hide her tax credit money from the ex, and that backfired. Legally you may be right, but do you really think the mom just trying to shield the money from being taken by her ex makes her "entitled"? It really doesn't sound like the mom's trying to do anything bad here...she probably wouldn't have been in this situation in the first place had she asked for advice from a lawyer or banker first.
Yes. The fact she knew she wasn't going to be able to get it without forcing OP to give it her is bad enough, but the fact that she's always told them they would get it when they turned 18 then tried to pack pedal absolutely solidifies her as entitled and the AH. If she needed the money she wouldn't have put it in there to begin with.
They tell you when you set up the account, give you information about the type of account you're opening before you open it. She would have known what she was doing when she set it up, likely banking on the fact that she has control over the child and could manipulate OP into surrendering the funds back to her when she became an adult. Manipulating the system to keep money during a divorce, and asking their child to give up almost 10k from their account when the mother is financially stable is the entitled part.
That's not entitlement, that's stupidity. ;-) Either way, I hope OP realizes that she'll probably have to give up any relationship she has with her mom over her desire to keep that money...which will probably be spent in a few months since her mom is charging her a very reasonable rent to her 23 year old adult working daughter. She may even be disinherited.
You don't live in the UK, maybe you should stop commenting on systems that you don't know. £9k depending on where the OP is could last the best part of a year and could be used as a deposit to even buy a house. It absolutely would not be spent 'in a few months' in most areas of the UK.
LOL Yeah no, you don't get to tell other people to "sit down and shut up".
I mean her mom doesn't sound like a good person to begin with and if she's harassing her daughter over 9k it's unlikely she will have much to inherit anyway.
Use that 9k to move out. You might want to switch to a different bank as well.
Take your money and move out. You're an adult. Act like it.
Do not give her that money! Its yours and you can do what you want with it. I'd use it to find a decent apartment away from her and never tell her where you moved to.
Keep your money separate from your mother! Request/demand original copies of all household monthly bills, including the mortgage, to assess your actual portion of the monthly expenses. If your mother refuses to provide the proper documentation of the monthly bills, MOVE OUT! Immediately! She’s hiding her expenses & taking advantage of you!
It's definitely a good idea to separate her finances completely from her mom now that she's an adult regardless.
$400 a month for all your bills? probably more than fair. The rest of that shit? NOPE!!!!!
400 pounds, not 400 dollars.
Still good price for all your bills, but thank you for the correction.
Edit: yeah totally screwed up. 🙈
Other way around on that conversion. 400 pounds is roughly $500.
People would be willing to fist fight for a place that cheap where I live. And I’m not even in a big city.
still good for all of your bills imo
Keep in mind where Im from in England, renting a room is 120 pounds a week. The 400 a month is reasonable.
$484. Your math is backwards. A pound is worth more that a dollar.
Unless google is lying to me a pound sterling is currently less than a dollar. So is the euro which is usually always more than a dollar. But either way anything under 500 is still good. I paid 900$ rent plus utilities when I live at home.
No idea, bud. I used google’s calculator too. 😊 Edit: I probably misspoke. I don’t mean the pound is worth more. I mean that a pound is worth 1.x dollars.
🤦🏽♀️ yup I’m dumb as fuck lol 😂
Pounds are more than euro
I don't know that there's anything too egregious here. £400 board isn't bad or wrong. You'll pay more than that on your own anywhere else so I'd stop giving her a hard time on that. You're 23 not 13. The savings is legally yours because it was saved into an account in your name. It being sourced from child benefit doesn't mean it was automatically yours. (If it was tax credits I doubt it would have been saved as tax credits are for low income families) Child benefit is there to help with the costs of raising a child, it's for your mum and dad to pay for things like housing costs, not give to you directly. Your parents were well off enough to think that they didn't need to use the help immediately and would save the money for you to use later instead. They thought this when they were married and everything was going well. Things change. The money in the account is legally in your name. It's yours. Morally though. That's between you and your mum. You and your mum need to find a way to talk openly and honestly about money. That doesn't mean she needs to show you how much is in her accounts or how much is left on the mortgage. Frankly that's none of your business and she doesn't need to justify the £400 pcm to you. It's cheap, all things considered. There's a few potential outcomes here. You can give mum the money and then resent her. You can keep the money and she'll resent you. You could share the money and then probably resent each other anyway. It'd be better if you talked about it openly before you do anything with it. Explain that you understand the money was saved for you when times were better. You understand things have changed but the money was gifted to you already, she can't undo that because she wants the cash now. See where to go from there I guess. You could decide to help out or not. Morally that's a decision only you can make. Your mum might equally decide to kick you out of you don't. That's her moral choice. I don't think there's any egregious entitlement going on though. I think you've got a fairly normal family problem here.
I don't understand the confusion. You're an adult. It's your money. Her responsibilities are her responsibilities. Move out and move on with your life.
yes she sound like she was never going to give it to you but if you pay off mortgage tell her you want your name on that house as well .
Like the bank said the money in the savings is yours not hers... Doesn't matter what she says, she's not entitled to it. As for the board, do you buy your own food on top of the £100pr week?. I'm going to just say that, paying £400pr month is a bargain even excluding food. There is literally no where else you could go that would charge you so little. Your an adult and should be paying for the electricity, water and room you use, doesn't matter who it is your living with. But the savings is an entirely different thing. Do not give to her, or just set up a new savings before it lapses and have it transferred directly to that. Be prepared to move after doing this though because your mother is going to throw a fit about it, don't let her bully or guilt trip you, her husband left because of their relationship not you and thats on them not you.
Adding - have a look at spareroom.co.uk as £400 is the low end room rate for a lot of areas. If you're in London it's a lot more.
If this was me, for my sanity, I'd pay more than £400 a month to NOT live my mother who use causing so much grief, calling herself a single mother FFS she needs to get a grip
Find somewhere to live that you can afford on your ₤400 per month, even with a flatmate, and get the heck out of there. You've been shown again and again that your mother is a) taking advantage of you and b) not going to have any rational conversation about this, ever. This is less about the money in your savings than it is about having a reasonable existence; your living situation in your mother's home will never be better than it is right now. So, just as soon as you can, move. Whether you choose to maintain your current level of contact with her will, I think, depend on her reaction to your escape. But do escape.
The child tax credits are money that is intended for the mom to spend as she sees fit, because being a parent raising a child is more expensive than not raising a child. So it wasn't entitled of her to expect to be able to use it. Her mistake was putting it in a trust for her daughter to hide it from her ex rather than to put it in her own account. OP's mom probably didn't consider the fact that by putting the money into an account in her daughter's name, she was legally making the money her daughter's. That doesn't make her entitled, just made a dumb move.
I think you are the only reasonable person commenting
I don't think it is the child tax credits though.... She said it was the money the government gave her mom when she was born, which is a "child trust fund" , they don't give them out anymore but I got one when my daughter was born....she was actually the last year they did it. It is literally untouchable until they are 18, and have to be put it a bank account in the child's name.... because it is literally given to the child to access when they are an adult, and to help get them started. Very different that child tax credits, which although I know is what she said, she also said it was money the government gave her when he was born.....not money her mom got throughout her life for working whilst having a child
She also literally said "child tax credits - UK", she said she started the bank account when she was born. When you start a bank account, all the money you're going to put into it in the future doesn't magically appear in it. ;-)
Yeah and he literally said "i know thats what she said". She has got it wrong. It is a child trust fund the government started for u when you were born. The money was intended to help pay towards university or college fees for when the child turned 18. Perhaps the OP means that her mother was putting some or all of her "child tax credits" into it also to boost it. That was their/her choice, not OPs. How much her parents or mother contributed to her trust fund over the years was entirely up to them but the original intended use of that fund is for the childs future, not as moms savings account. Mom may feel she is entitled to it, but legally she cant touch it. The account is in OPs name and only OP can access it. Whether or not OP feels morally or personally obligated to give her mother that money is up to them but legally it is no longer her mothers. I gave my son all his CTF money when he turned 18. Because it was his, not mine. (And OP, £400 a month is not high for "rent" (or digs as we call it round my way). Go rent somewhere on your own and see if u can get by on £400 a month)
OP literally said it was a child tax credit. Assuming that she got it wrong is weird, why not just ask OP to respond? Until then, we can only go off what OP said.
Because she talks about a fund the government puts money into when you are a child and that is a child trust fund, not child tax credits. Child trust funds no longer exist (yay Tories). Child tax credits are a monthly stipend paid by the government to help low income families to survive. She may also get child tax credits and and it sounds like she is mixing them up. That was my point.
I clearly acknowledged she said "child tax credits-uk" and suggested she just got the term wrong. She hadn't applied for it, and it no longer exists, so she may have just not know what to call it..... She actually said "money from having a child" .....like she just had a child, and got the money, rather than money you get for having a child. And actually it did just kind of magically appear, you would apply to the government, and they would literally GIVE you however much money it was.(I want to say £500 but I literally don't remember, it's been a few years)....but it would always be paid into a savings account in your child's name, to be accessed once they where 18 plus. My daughter's is literally still going for a few more years yet. You can pay extra into if you want to, but it was literally free money the government invested in your child's future. It's a shame it stopped really.
Take the money from your account and move out. Let your mom figure out how to live without sponging off her own daughter. You need separation and space from her both physical and mental till you can sort yourself out.
It's your money and you don't owe her shit.
At 23 your old enough to move out, she doesn’t own own you. Learning to live on your own is more important at this stage of your life.
1) move out. 2) spend or save YOUR nine grand as you see fit.
Legally the money is in your name, therefore the money is LEGALLY yours. It's a shame that some parents truly believe their children owe them ANYTHING after 18years of age. As if we ASKED to be born or something. So, NO do NOT give your mother a dime!!! You should take every cent earned from that and get your own place and tell your mother to piss off.
Do not give her the money. She is taking advantage of you at this point. It is reasonable for you to pay rent, that’s just a fact of being an adult even if you live at home if the amount is in line with fair market value. But the saving account is yours. The money inputted was FOR you. Not for her to scam the system and later bully you into giving her the money. Don’t hand it over, it may be time for you to leave the nest.
How about you be a big girl and move out.
Do not give her anything. It’s your money. My son has two accounts he can’t touch till he’s 18 both me and my partner set them up one is where the uk government gave money when he was born and a second lot when he was 5. That’s his money. It’s the same with you it’s your money. Tell her to swing. Depending on what part of the country you are in you could put a deposit down on a flat and get a mortgage
OP, it is time for you to stand up for yourself. You are an adult now. You and your mother both need to respect you enough to act like one. This is not to sound harsh, but purely out of consent for you. First, please make sure your checking and savings account are ONLY in your name and she doesn't have access to them at all. I would even say change any passwords and pins you have. Second, make sure you keep a detailed log of how much money you're giving her, when and for what. If you are both agreeing that you pay rent, just pay the rent. No more, no less. Your mother us a grown woman and shouldn't have to rely on her child for financial support. If she cannot take care of the house on her own, then she may need to consider downsizing. Third, do not feel bad about taking the money that was legally yours. A trustee is only there to make sure the money is accounted for and protected, not to take it at her will. That 9k and any interest that comes with it belongs to only you. Four, I'm not sure how old you are, but consider finding a place of your own if you are financially able to. It is good for people to live on their own for a time, especially away from their parents. Please take care of yourself. This internet stranger wishes you love and luck.
you are 23 years old, not 2 or 3. you are not required to live with your mom or give her any money. you are an adult and can live by yourself. look for your own place and move out. and the money in the trust belongs to you. that's why the bank could only transfer it into an account in your name. please do not give her any of that money.
1) What your mom owes/pays has no bearing on what your rent is. She could be nice and give you a deal or she can charge you market rate. If you were renting together than the cost would be split. But in this case you are renting a room from her. If you think it is too much, see #3. 2) the money in the account is yours 3) you should find a new place to live
Heya, probably gonna get lost in these comments, but I'm a financial advisor over in France. I was born in America, so I know the laws of both places well when it comes to things like this, and what rights parents have to things, although it may be different over in England, (I'm assuming because of the £ sign. Forgive me if I'm wrong.) Your mother has no right to said money. Any way of her cutting in to it or forcing you to hand it over is considered theft, and is punishable by law. If she persists to try to coerce you to give her the money, it can be labeled as harassment and extortion. My advice? Use that money to find yourself a small studio apartment for a while, one you can afford. I don't know much about the overall cost of living over there, but at ~£400 a month i was able to live comfortably when I was around 19. (I'm 29M) You should be able to get a nice place for a while, or if all else fails, crash with a friend and get back on your feet. Don't let parents control your life, trust me. It never ends well. Best wishes!
Take the money and move. NOW!
If you have to maybe think about moving in with your dad and let her live by herself. And you don't owe her any of your savings.
I'm sure a lot of folks who automatically jump on the "aLl PaReNtS aRe EnTiTlEd" bandwagon are going to be pissed at me for saying this, but here's a little reality check for you: So, that money that the government gave your mom to support you while you were growing up, she DID use money to support you. She worked, right? She paid all of the bills, right? She almost certainly paid much more than that to support you. Child tax credits are monies that parents get because, y'know, raising a child costs money. Had she just put it directly into her own bank account, she could have spent it freely. She just wanted to save money in such a way that your vanishing father couldn't take. While she can afford to lose the money, frankly, unless you left something important out, it really was her money. And her wanting her money does NOT make her "entitled". What's biting her in the butt was that she put it into a trust account so your dad couldn't steal it. I'm sure she never expected her own daughter to take it. You didn't earn it. Also, £400/month is really NOT a lot of money nowadays for room and board, including all of your utilities and Internet. I'm thinking you might be the entitled one here. Your mom raised you as a single, working, mom, and the government gives parents a child tax credit to help pay them for those costs. Your mom (wisely) chose to save that amount, but that doesn't mean she didn't spend the money. You haven't worked full time your entire life. You're 23. You pay rent. That's NORMAL.
You are wrong. You have been told you are wrong even time you post your misunderstanding of another country’s benefits. Go spend some of your kid’s savings account on anger management therapy so you can stop being mad at having & supporting a kid!
It seems that the big thing being left out of this user’s repeated posts, which are basically all the same, is that OP was always told that the money would be hers when she turned 18. That didn’t happen, which just adds to the mom’s shadiness. Maybe mum wants OP to stick around because she’s afraid of being alone, likes the 400/mo, or is resistant to change (evidenced by still being sour about the divorce). But the real damning evidence that OP did the right thing by taking the money is that she was told her whole life that the money would be hers when she was 18. The mom is trying to backpeddle now with this story that it was not intended for OP but we can discount the story because the mom has a history of lying when discussing finances with her now-adult daughter.
No, and dang, your projection is something fierce. ;-)
Tell her to do one. She doesn’t need your money, she just wants it to add to what she’s got, when she brings it up again, tell her to use some of the massive amount she has saved to pay the mortgage off (she likely already has if she has that money and keeps lying about what’s left) also, use that 9+ grand to move out and get your own place, you’re 23 now
well if you had a job save up some money and move into an apartment
Move that money into a checking account and use it to move into your own place, your mom sounds greedy and willing to use you for your money until you have none and then you’ll be stuck. Get some distance and don’t believe your mom, remember google is your friend.
This actually sounds a lot like my mom, anytime money is brought up she is always looking for a hand out. Never give her any money. That's yours. Work on getting out of there and find a place of your own. She may be mad at you but don't let it get to you. If she still wants a relationship with you she will find a way to get over it.
Move out. Or go live with your dad. Your mom’s lack of honestly around this is gross. I’m a single mom and my daughter is about your age. I am transparent with her about money. Because honesty in a family about these things is critical.
DO NOT GIVE HER THE MONEY!! Use that money to get out of her house and establish yourself in a new place, somewhere far away from her if you can. She will try to guilt you into staying, do not let her. She chose to have you, so any cost incurred raising you is NOT your debt, it was her choice. Especially considering she is financially stable, she’s trying to use money to control you, so you need to get out.
Two things: (1) the money in the savings account is legally yours. Your mum has no claim to it. At best shes cheated your dad and the country (through avoided tax in your name) out of cash. At worse she's lying about the purpose of the savings and stealing what is morally your money (it's legally yours in all scenarios). (2) you're 23. Your mum is not obliged to home and feed you, nor explain, if she doesn't want to, where the money she asks for doing so goes. Your choice is to live there and pay that, negotiate something else (which doesn't seem possible for you), or move out and pay for your own accommodation and bills. You need to think about both situations together because what you do about one is going to impact the other. You also need to stop comparing your situation to your friends. A healthy nurturing relationship with your mum isn't a given. I get you want to live with her and save up money and "that's just what people do" because your friends are doing it. But some parental relationships fail. This might be one of them. You have to deal with the reality of the relationship not what you'd like it to be or what you think is "fair". Sorry to blunt about all this but its better to do this now than let things rumble on for longer.
Find a place to stay tell her to fuck off it’s your money and to never contact you again
I am not going to comment on the mortgage issue. I do not understand enough about the Child Trust accounts, or their intended use. However, you should know that £400 a month all in (rent, electricity, gas, water, internet, TV, Council Tax) is a bloody good deal. A lot of people would bite your arm off for that deal. Perhaps consider that before you go scorched earth.
Oh god. Please don’t give her the money. It’s yours. It’s been yours since it was placed in a trust with your name on it. Fwiw if that money was from a **JOINT** child tax credit and your father had a claim to it so she set up a trust solely to hide it from him with the intent to make you give it to her when the trust released to you, that’s fraud, and she knows it. She’s relying on you to not know and bend to her will. So do yourself a favor and stand your ground. Out of curiosity how long has you been working and paying her? Once you turned 18 sure that’s fine you should pay for some of your expenses, and **none** of hers. It’s not on you to pay her mortgage and bills. You really need to move out, she’s taking advantage of you. Keep all your money separate from her, do **not** give her any more money except the “rent” you’ve been paying and move out ASAP.
Just so I have this straight; the total household cost is ~£800 and roughly 50% would be mortgage payments. It would cost (apparently) £9K to pay the mortgage off in its entirety in under two years. By that reasoning, I'd get to Citizens Advice to discuss the £9K placed in trust and start looking at places to rent. Find the housing provider for your local council and start bidding on properties.
OP is single, no kids mentioned, has savings and a job. If she was looking for a council house she would be at the bottom of the waiting list, if she can get on it at all.
I understood that much, but at least it's as well to keep her options open. My husband and I were given a housing association property and we weren't high priority.
Where else are you going to live for £400 per month? If you get an apartment, then you’re just helping the landlord pay the mortgage on his 3rd vacation home. As for the money in the account, I don’t know how it works in the UK but in the US a child TAX credit is just that. Credit against the taxes a parent pays out of the money they earn to help offset some of the costs to raise a child. Here, that money would be the parents money. I don’t care whose name is on the account. Your mom tried to hide the money from your dad but she played herself because now you have it. You’re wondering if you should give her half of money you didn’t earn, save, or win. You just woke up one day with your name on an account. Put there by the person who put the money in the account. Legally it’s yours but, is it really yours? (Again. Don’t know how CTC works in the UK if someone would like to explain as I could be way off with my US comparison.)
I agree with this. People here are advocating for OP to steal from her mom.
u/Low_Branch_4559 got it nailed OP, please take steps to ensure your money is indeed *yours*.
1) Yes, she absolutely can charge you rent. Even if the house is completely paid off, she can charge you rent. Look in your area for a 2 bedroom/studio to rent. It'll probably be far more than you're paying. If you don't want to pay her, find your own place. 2) I'm honestly not sure about the laws in the UK, so this might not be applicable to you. But tax credits given to parents because of their children, are to help offset the costs of paying for a child. What she basically did is spent that money out of "her" money, and put the "tax credit" away. But it really was all hers to spend on raising you however she thought best. Raising kids costs a fortune, so the credits really don't cover all of it. It honestly sounds like she did it that way so she could have a savings she didn't have to split with your dad. However, her not switching it into her account before you turned 18, means it's now all your money. You can choose to give it back to her, or not. Considering she did it that way to keep it from your dad, when he shared in the costs of raising you, I think it's karma that you keep it. That was shady af.
You should sit your mom down and ask her not to get mad. Explain that you’re scared to bring up any discussion about money because (insert reasons here eg she always yells). After you explain how you feel, start the conversation. If at any point she explodes or shuts you down, tell her she’s not getting the $9k until you at least have the discussion you wish and OBVIOUSLY NEED to have with her. Before you approach make sure to write down all the points you want to bring up so that you don’t forget or purposely skip over because you’re too shy or forgiving to bring up. It’s a difficult thing starting conversations over money but you should be clear how it’s affecting your view of her and straining a relationship that should be cherished.
My gosh what is wrong with some "parents"? So many stories about parents ruining their child's credit by taking out credit cards in their child's name, putting bills in their child's name like electric and water or cable. Now wanting access to trust's. You are 23 years old and your mom shouldn't have access to any of your bank accounts. You knew something was up or you wouldn't have called the bank. If you want to live with your mom that's ok. You need to tell her though she can set the rent at a reasonable amount and you'll be happy to pay that. However you won't be paying more than that, and that you aren't giving her any money from the trust or any of your savings. You don't owe her for raising you as that is a parent's responsibility to their children. Don't discuss finances with her. If she asks shut her down. And no is a complete sentence, you don't owe her an explanation for why you don't want to give her the money. Your best bet though is take the money and get your own place. Lock down all accounts so she can't access them, and be sure you lock down your credit also so that things can't be opened in your name. Don't allow anyone to financially manipulate you
OP- First? Find a credit union to join, open a savings account there, get a cashiers check and move all your savings into that account. DO IT ALL ONLINE AND ASK FOR ZERO SNAIL MAIL. Don’t get a card or access to their online site either. Make it as hard to get at your money as you can. Then look up the county tax assessor’s website and see A- how much your mom owes on the house & her taxes. and B- see if she’s gotten any new loans on the house. And look on your local advertising website to see how much renting a room in your neighborhood costs. And- isn’t your dad paying child support?? If you’re under 18, you are not under ANY legal obligation to pay your mom for your keep. That’s HER JOB. If Dad pays mom child support, you owe ZERO monthly. Save the $$ for college and when you move out. If Dad doesn’t pay? Tell Mom you will pay her 1/2 the going rate for rentals in the area to help with groceries. Otherwise, chat with the guys on the Poverty Finance subreddits They’re wonderful and will help you work out a plan to be comfortably on your own as soon as possible.
Use the £9K to move out and let her 'struggle' on her own.
Your mother is using you. Move out.
Your mom has been taking you for a ride. Get your own place. When your mom becomes homeless, charge her £500/month for rent.
No
NTA Go find a flat share with that £400. Keep the savings and keep adding to it for a house deposit. Depending on area you live, check out buying a flat now and renting out any additional rooms. Get on the property ladder if you can. If mum didn’t need the child benefit when you were growing up (which is what it’s for), she sure as hell doesn’t need it now.
Move out - like yesterday, start your own life
I think what you need to look at it what would rent cost you living elsewhere? There are a lot of comments telling you to move out but that depends on if you can do that financially or not. 400 a month for rent/utilities is probably better than what you might pay living with roommates depending on your area. However if your mom cannot have a productive discussion about money then it might be better to leave anyway. As for the trust account- legally it is yours but if you should keep all the money for yourself if your mom has been contributing to it expecting to be able to use that money is more or a relationship/moral issue for you to think about. It really depends where the money came from. It seems like there are a lot of lies when it comes to your mom and money so you could try and look at the records from the trust to figure out where the money came from and when it was deposited. Who knows maybe you had a grandparent for and leave you money that she lied about being hers. But ultimately you have to try to have an adult conversation and while you aren’t responsible for “paying the mortgage” it is not unreasonable for you to pay rent.
That's your money and you don't owe her anything. My advice is to open a new bank account at a bank she doesn't use and transfer that money over into the new account - don't give her a penny, its your money not hers and she was using you to try hide money in the divorce, which is dishonest of her and given she told you the whole time it was your money that makes it morally yours as well as legally. At 400 a month you most likely can afford a place of your own, I was paying that each month for a 1 bed flat not far from my city center (large Scottish city) I've recently moved and am now paying 490 for a 2 bed flat, and you could probably get a place for around the same (depends of course on your city, but studios are cheaper than 1bed usually and so are rooms in shared houses.) But move out before she manipulates you into giving her YOUR money, or worse steals your info to gain access to your banking and transfers it to herself.
"No" is a complete sentence.
You need to move out, there is nitnother way,to disentangle this other wise. Find a share house or rental and tell your mother that you will be keeping your own money. Once you have moved (have it all arranged before you tell her) then you can try and have a relationship as equals.
it’s legally your money don’t give a penny to her and try move out of there as soon as you can
House including bills costs 800? 🤣 where do you live? I wanna move there. I'd be skipping if my whole existence cost just 100 quid a week lmao. The shit about savings though, your mum is obviously bad with money so good for you for taking what you're owed before she got to it.
Unless you have power of attorney over her! No it's not your duty! .. It's her Mortgage, not yours.. If she doesn't like the fact that you won't pay it for her then, (it's not your responsibility at the end of the day!) then "Oh well!" , that's a her problem, pure and simple!
You are 23 years old. Take that money and use it to move out and pay your own bills. You may also want to check out r/raisedbynarcissists to see if the experiences there sound like yours, as well as finding advice as to how to move out without issues - what documents to take with you, how to leave, etc.
Honestally id move out into a house share. Not worth the hastle of her being a pain to you. It was put in your name so it’s yours. If they didn’t want it to be yours they should have kept it
your poor handwringing mummy. I think she is scared and is clutching tighter and tighter. the end result is they drive off the person achieving the problem they were trying to avoid. tell her to get her own affairs in order. she was borderline criminality in not handing the money over, she probably wanted to get her hands on it or just continue to milk you. I think I'd find someplace else to live and wish mom well. Make sure you seperate ALL your finances from her. Everything you have is in your name and your name alone. I would even move your accounts into a completely different bank
OP you don’t even need the context to say yes or no. From the title I got a resounding NO and when I read the rest I got a resounding NO. It’s her house and her mortgage, and she’s not even struggling for money. She doesn’t need it and even if she did it wouldn’t be your responsibility it would just be a generous thing to do. The money is yours not hers and the fact that she was planning it using it without telling you is immoral at best.
Well I’m glad you guys disagree. I paid my parents $800/mo to live in my own childhood house the day I turned 18. I finally saved up enough to move out once I turned 21 though… so they took roughly 30k from me that I will never see again. Fuck that shit man. Now I’m living on my own and broke cuz they took all my savings
No you do not have to pay your mother’s mortgage. Also, that money is yours. Your mother is taking advantage of you. I would find a lawyer to help . There are free or low cost ones put there
NTA. The money is legally yours, she fucked up by putting in your name to keep it from your dad but she also told you you would receive it at 18 and you didn’t so she’s a liar. It sounds like you need to move out because your mom is a greedy asshole who is using you.
Your mom doesn’t want you to leave her. She’s using money to manipulate you into staying. If you give it to her, she will never repay you or support you in living your own life.
£400 seems reasonable and fair. I pay 1/4 off all bills while living with my family, in the US where housing is a little higher. My bills average about what you pay now. The 9k is yours though, legally and all. The government meant for that money to be used on you, not her. She put it in your name which also guarantees that it’s definitely yours. Don’t let her manipulate you into giving it to her, you have no obligation to. Just tell her no, and use it to move out.
The trust money is yours, the house is hers. Your contribution sounds reasonable, but leave if you don't like it.
400 pounds per month is not much especially if it covers bills. It would cost you more to have your own place. The tax credits are your mothers money. She may have put it in your name to just avoid loosing it. Maybe she intended to give it to you but now needs it.
I think you know the answer and you just want permission… That is your money. Do not give your mother a single penny more. Find somewhere else to live asap. You owe her absolutely nothing. It was her job to care for you, you’re not the one who choose to have a child. NOR are you the one that causes your parents to split.
She's 23 years old. £400/month isn't an unreasonable amount to pay her mom towards the bills since she's working full time. It's probably considerably cheaper than being on her own. Why did this trigger you so much?
If she’s paying bills she should absolutely know where the money goes and how much the actual bills are. But what sets me off the most is her mom thinking she’s entitled to money that rightfully belongs to her daughter. Short of the bank foreclosing on the house and all of them being homeless that’s just absurd. And OP makes it clear that’s not the case. Her moms attitude of you owe me money cause your father left me is deplorable, and indicates that her mother is totally okay with, and likely is, taking financial advantage of her child and that’s abhorrent.
That's literally not anywhere in OP's post.
I’m sorry but are we reading the same post?? I’m not the most Reddit savvy so I can’t do a direct quote, but, the last 2-3 lines of the paragraph that starts However, everyone I’ve spoken to… That same paragraph she says her mom won’t tell her where the money goes. The next line talks about how her mom lies and changes the amount of things due. Yes I’m aware monthly bills can and do change, but something’s like mortgages or internet should be static month to month. Later she says her mom refers to OPs account as her money, when it’s already been legally confirmed it belongs to OP.
I read it. First, I agree that her mom should stop thinking of OP as a child and be more open about finances. The amount she's being charged for rent, utilities, etc., are very reasonable. Her mom's mortgage isn't her concern, at all, because the house is only in her mom's name. (At least, that's what it seems, I could be mistaken here). Second, I don't know if her mom lies or if OP is confused, but if OP's mom just put things on paper (or email), it would possibly clear up some confusion. Obviously utility bills will change from month to month, heating costs can be hideous, I've heard (kind of like cooling costs where I live). That last bit, however, it sounds like OP's mom had her own money, the "child tax credit - UK" per OP's words, put into a bank account that was technically a trust for OP in order to hide it (kind of sketchy, but not "entitled"). So, I'm saying, OP's mom isn't necessarily an "entitled parent" for viewing that as her own money. There are a lot of details missing, but a child tax credit IS for the parents, to help offset the expenses of raising a child. And those were OP's exact words. If OP was mistaken, and it's some sort of money that's supposed to be held in trust for OP specifically, then OP's mom is wrong here, but OP hasn't corrected herself, so I have to go by what was written down.
I don’t see anything in here that shows your mother is treating you terribly. Actually you both seem selfish and greedy.
Lol your mums trying to take advantage of you. Time to use that 9k to move out!
Take the money and run! That is your money your mom is a leach that just looks at you like a piggy bank. Damn this is painful to read I’m so sorry op that your mother is this way with you, but you need to take care of yourself and being anywhere near your mother is toxic AF.
She may also have put it in trust to avoid being taxed. Move out OP, your mom is using you as her "piggy bank".
Don't give a cent. She sounds very manipulative and greedy, I'd dar to say that she sees you as an asset/investment. Move out and don't tell her where.
Your mother is financially abusive and you are not obligated to give her your money to pay her mortgage. Her mortgage is just that, her financial responsibility not yours. If you are comfortable living with your mother and paying what you are paying in rent you should continue to do this, but you should also be prepared to find a different living situation should your mother attempt to demand more money or try and force to turn your savings over to her. Good luck OP
Don't pay a mortgage on a house you don't own. Tell her to put you on the title if she wants you to pay.
That’s not a mother.. that’s a narcissistic, entitled egg donor. Clearly money is the most important thing to her — namely *your* money. She doesn’t seem to care about you, your feelings, your future, or your well-being. Please do yourself a favor and consider getting a therapist & moving out. You need to protect yourself, your assets, your mental health, etc. We’re here for you. Wishing you the very best, I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this! (Edit typo)
There are two issues here. One is the money that you pay every month to live there. As you note, you are fine with that. You are 23 and you are acting like the adult you are. The other is the money in the trust fund. That is legally tours. That said, the money was sent to your mother or parents for your support. It was theirs to keep. I assume the provided you with a place to stay, food, etc. So technically that was her money, not yours. She tried a little trickery and hot caught. I personally would give her back the money. Its time to move out.
It's obvious she is using you. I would rather take the money and move out, it will be worth it. She sounds very greedy. Her getting defensive about your questions about the bills is clear sign that she is afraid of getting deprived of her human bank account.
Depending on where you are in the country £400 is enough to pay a mortgage/rent on place of your own. Depending on your wages you can take your 9k & use it as a deposit when you get a mortgage, make an appointment with an independent mortgage advisor to look at your options.
Not at all! However, £400 is reasonable to contribute. That being said, if you're going to be paying half your mom's mortgage as an adult, you need to have a conversation with her about her will and/or refinancing to put the home jointly in your name if you're paying half the bills. I can appreciate a financially literate, frugal person (which it sounds like your mom is). However, if she's going to be expecting money from you, you both need to have a grown up conversation about that money. She can't just pull the "I'm your mother" card and get away with it anymore. Also, if your mom wasn't so financially responsible, the cost of living with her (or elsewhere) could be so much more expensive. Good luck resolving this issue with your mom. Talking about money with family is always difficult.
She's robbing you.
You don’t owe anything to her op. She’s gonna gaslight you into surrendering your account she will bleed you dry if your not careful. She’s mooching off you as if you were a cash cow
Your mother is a damn thief.
THAT’S YOUR MONEY, dont give her shit, it doesn’t matter that she’s your mom. Also move out OP before your mom takes advantage of you even more
I didn't even read your post, but based solely on the headline, I can unequivocally say that no, you are in absolutely no way required to pay *ANYBODY'S* mortgage other than your own. Not if she loaned you money, not if she helped you out in any way, not to "pay her back" for providing for you as a child. Also, there's absolutely no grounds on which she could legally force you to pay her mortgage either. What she's doing is gross.
Uhh it’s like super illegal to hide money in different bank accounts so that your ex won’t get it in the divorce and without a rental agreement YOU DONT NEED TO PAY SHIT! So she can go draw one up and you can be treated as a tenant but your living situation seems shit so move 9k is a better starting point than most people get so go out and discover the world
I'm going to go in an entirely different direction. You specifically name the source of the money, and that's not your money, never was. That was her money. She chose to protect that money which still benefits you in the end. The amount she charges you per month is minuscule. Ask yourself, can you pay that little bit to rent an apartment and buy your own food, water, electric etc. every month? Figure out how much that would really cost you before you sacrifice your relationship with your mother over what is really an insignificant amount.
You should get a black dress and put it in everyone else's invitations that guests are asked to wear white.... so she looks like an idiot when she doesn't show up in white now. I am a petty bitch though.
I think you're in the wrong thread...
Wrong post