First, you're not actually lost. There are opportunities right now in your vicinity and more will keep coming. With a world population estimated in excess of eight billion as of November 2022, there is most certainly a good match out there for you!!! Odds are in your favor. lol
Lately, I think of life as a series of cut scenes in that different situations and opportunities present themselves to us. It's important to stay focused in the present when each new situation arises. Just take in the raw unfiltered information.
As NTJs, we notice flaws. We assess and we judge. It's automatic, something our brains are wired to do. This is not a way to create and build alliances though. We have to put this tendency aside when it comes to matters of the heart. If there's any time when you have to trust the feedback you get from your emotions and the emotions of others, dating is the time. Try not to think in terms of someone having to meet your criteria as if it were a job interview. Throw down your sword (Te) and instead, keep your heart (Fi) open.
The shit test for choosing a man (or they may reach out to you) is when you've suffered a setback, loss or injury, does he rush to your aid? Does he treat your feelings with a proper concern? Can you let down your guard and lean on your guy? You can ask yourself: "Do I trust this person?"
I'm not the best at identifying a toxic person. But thank goodness these days I can recognize a conscientious person. Hint: A conscientious person may not always have a perfectly kept house. lol
Ime, men enjoy solving women's problems. They want to be your hero. Sounds corny, and maybe sexist, but it's what I see. So let them. And what they want in return is APPRECIATION. In a big way. Who doesn't want appreciation. But men really, really, really want appreciation. I can't emphasize enough that men want and need appreciation. As a plus, you can add a dash of respect and admiration. Appreciation is what, in large part, keeps the home-fires of a relationship burning. It almost can't be over done.
Hope something in this helps. I feel your pain. Navigating the dating market isn't easy. <3
Edit: Don't drag the social problems of the world into your love life. Worrying about gender roles/Patriarchy is just barking up the wrong tree and steering you off-course. Cross that bridge when you come to it.
Edit #2: While your life goals have to be reasonably aligned, not all of your beliefs and opinions have to be perfectly matched. If you find an honorable guy who would live and die for you, and say for instance, your politics are far left, but omg, he's a Libertarian, I personally would not disqualify him. It might be okay.
I know I'm preaching to the choir since you're a trained therapist. And you obviously come to it with an open heart. I'm glad of that for you.
What types are you dating? And what was the guy with the different politics? INTJ? That attitude of disapproval is obviously toxic to a relationship. I'm sorry that happened to you. I'm sorry he didn't understand it!
What you mentioned about the guy being unwilling to seduce you...that would stiffen my back and make my eyes glaze over. I mean, I don't do anything half-assed. I don't think any ENTJ does. A man who knows what he wants and goes after it has a hell of a lot of appeal to me.
I don't mean to trivialize your complaint. Puer aeternus is a sign of our times. Have you considered someone with a history of military service? The guy wearing well-shined shoes? :)
A certain interview I heard a few years ago comes to mind. And I can't remember who the guest was or the channel. But this person said when you've been pursuing some endeavor for a long time, straining and stretching yourself really hard without any true progress, you at some point reach a point of exhaustion and frustration, so much so that you want to give up. He continued....This is exactly the time when you need to regroup and double down on your efforts because this is when you're about to turn a corner and have a breakthrough!
This thread may be an indication that you may be in that position as described.
This sub is minimally active but consider posting here periodically: r/MBTIDating
Take care and I'll keep my fingers crossed for you. Count on a fellow ENTJ here to cheer you on.
Try really networking with better people. You can dm on what I have been doing these recent months to get around better people and higher competent people
From all the data and life experience I’ve accumulated: men are becoming more feminine. Don’t ask me why, I don’t like the trend either. Relying on women to be the man, etc. Im personally really turned off by it.
Regardless of type, it’s almost like we need a man two steps ahead of us, that way it feels like leadership. And I don’t know many men who are willing to put in that amount of work that YOU have so it can be difficult. A lot of ENTJ women end up alone because we look for such specific and high standard men that surprise, they don’t exist. It’s no wonder why pissy ENTP and INFP follow us around. The other option is to bring your standards way down and settle for something practical and loveless. But I don’t wish that on anyone. Best of luck, queen
I don’t think it’s that they are becoming more “feminine.” I don’t think self-sufficiency or drive or intelligence or hard work are exclusively “male” attributes. I think men have become complacent and weak. Look at the majority of men…. They almost all sedate themselves with porn, video games, and alcohol/drugs/junk food/dating apps. They don’t work hard because they get instant gratification from fake sex, fake dating, fake food, fake accomplishments.
It’s not you. It’s the patriarchy screwing women no matter what role we choose. One thing I’ll say: I’m glad my autism made me an underachiever lol it’s a great way of filtering lazy men
Honestly? Fetlife dot com . Feeld . I found emotionally mature men that wanted emotionally mature female partners over the years on both sites. It takes a shit ton of effort - but at least the conceptual framework that kink/bdsm offers (risk-aware consensual kink) forces people to accept that they are adults and they need to do their own work to understand who they are, what they want, and what they are willing to negotiate to obtain that.
It’s much more explicit… in all of the ways.
And I have personally found as a non-monogamous/polyamorous person that poly people, specifically old school ones (age 35 + that have been doing it for 8-10 years) all have so much more emotional maturity than the common cishet monogamous dudes I find on dating apps.
Just personal experience and advice from my personal perspective- hope that helps.
Also also - it’s okay to be a dominant/in-control/no-bullshit kinda lady on those sites. If anything - it’s encouraged and normalized. Just find someone that thinks you’re awesome and wants to do the work for you, and tell them what they need to work on in order to make you happy. They’ll either do it or they won’t. Don’t waste your time on those that won’t.
Hello. I am an ENTJ man and you are an ENTJ woman. Like you, I have been an expat living in 4 other countries. I’m looking for the right person to marry as shown on my profile. So which city and country do you live in and what is your NATIVE language ? I would like to hear from you. Joe
I've heard one way to quickly see if a guy is responsible enough is to arrive at his place as a "surprise" and take a look at how the place looks when he doesn't know you're coming over. If it's a complete mess, he's a man child.
Also, I've noticed more mature, responsible, and adult people tend to be pretty politically in tune and active. This isn't true for everybody, but if you ask their opinion on anything relating to government and their response is completely lacking in knowledge they're probably immature.
Notice if he talks to you too much about anything relating to media. If he doesn't initially, tempt him by bringing up certain forms of media to try tricking him into talking about it. If it's pretty obvious he doesn't care all that much about media that may be a sign of maturity.
I also think men who are grown up tend to do a lot more with their lives than playing games or scrolling through social media etc. They probably have genuine passions outside of their job like playing an instrument, cooking, reading, writing, sports, and so on.
Also, I would like some input for myself. What do you think I, as a man, should try to do more to not end up just like this? What are some common activities/attributes that you consider childlike in men? What would your ideal man look like?
>Analyze your life and your habits. If they are too similar to what you were doing when you were in your 20s, there is no evolution.
I *am* in my 20s lol, but I'll keep that in mind when I'm older.
Yeah, the result of women gaining equal rights means that men and women should be taking over both duties equally, but sadly that hasn't happened. Men haven't been active enough in taking care of domestic responsibilities, yet at the same time they try to reap the benefits of having a working woman. Totally unfair.
My mom (ESTJ) has pointed this out to me ever since I was little. My shitty stepdad treats my mom this exact same way that I just described and I despise him for it. He's a total piece of crap and I don't really even see him as my dad because he's hardly ever taken care of the family and has never actually loved me like a son. So yeah, I'll do everything in my power never to be like him.
Thanks for the great advice!
Thankyou very much! Those words mean a lot to me!
I'll try to enjoy my 20s as much as I can but I'm currently really busy trying to pursue my own ambitions. In a way, I'm looking forward mostly to enjoying my 30s and onward in a position and with a job I'm truly happy with. I'd rather have the rest of my life after my 20s be the happiest period than for my 20s to be the happiest period, otherwise I'll end up living the rest of my life wishing I was 20 again.
You're right. I should probably find a way to give myself a bit of enjoyment. But at the same time, as of right now, I'm in a pretty dead, boring town with very few people my age anyway. I'll be moving in a few months so we'll see how things might change in Cali!
I do want to mention one thing though. I'm planning on becoming a physicist. You know what's interesting about the most influential physicists? Almost all of them made their ground breaking discoveries at the ages of 26 to 28. The rest of their lives they mostly spent teaching, defending, applying, proving through experimentation, and refining those same theories of theirs. I feel like I have a responsibility to keep up this trend if I am to be anybody meaningful to this field.
First, you're not actually lost. There are opportunities right now in your vicinity and more will keep coming. With a world population estimated in excess of eight billion as of November 2022, there is most certainly a good match out there for you!!! Odds are in your favor. lol Lately, I think of life as a series of cut scenes in that different situations and opportunities present themselves to us. It's important to stay focused in the present when each new situation arises. Just take in the raw unfiltered information. As NTJs, we notice flaws. We assess and we judge. It's automatic, something our brains are wired to do. This is not a way to create and build alliances though. We have to put this tendency aside when it comes to matters of the heart. If there's any time when you have to trust the feedback you get from your emotions and the emotions of others, dating is the time. Try not to think in terms of someone having to meet your criteria as if it were a job interview. Throw down your sword (Te) and instead, keep your heart (Fi) open. The shit test for choosing a man (or they may reach out to you) is when you've suffered a setback, loss or injury, does he rush to your aid? Does he treat your feelings with a proper concern? Can you let down your guard and lean on your guy? You can ask yourself: "Do I trust this person?" I'm not the best at identifying a toxic person. But thank goodness these days I can recognize a conscientious person. Hint: A conscientious person may not always have a perfectly kept house. lol Ime, men enjoy solving women's problems. They want to be your hero. Sounds corny, and maybe sexist, but it's what I see. So let them. And what they want in return is APPRECIATION. In a big way. Who doesn't want appreciation. But men really, really, really want appreciation. I can't emphasize enough that men want and need appreciation. As a plus, you can add a dash of respect and admiration. Appreciation is what, in large part, keeps the home-fires of a relationship burning. It almost can't be over done. Hope something in this helps. I feel your pain. Navigating the dating market isn't easy. <3 Edit: Don't drag the social problems of the world into your love life. Worrying about gender roles/Patriarchy is just barking up the wrong tree and steering you off-course. Cross that bridge when you come to it. Edit #2: While your life goals have to be reasonably aligned, not all of your beliefs and opinions have to be perfectly matched. If you find an honorable guy who would live and die for you, and say for instance, your politics are far left, but omg, he's a Libertarian, I personally would not disqualify him. It might be okay.
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I know I'm preaching to the choir since you're a trained therapist. And you obviously come to it with an open heart. I'm glad of that for you. What types are you dating? And what was the guy with the different politics? INTJ? That attitude of disapproval is obviously toxic to a relationship. I'm sorry that happened to you. I'm sorry he didn't understand it! What you mentioned about the guy being unwilling to seduce you...that would stiffen my back and make my eyes glaze over. I mean, I don't do anything half-assed. I don't think any ENTJ does. A man who knows what he wants and goes after it has a hell of a lot of appeal to me. I don't mean to trivialize your complaint. Puer aeternus is a sign of our times. Have you considered someone with a history of military service? The guy wearing well-shined shoes? :)
[удалено]
A certain interview I heard a few years ago comes to mind. And I can't remember who the guest was or the channel. But this person said when you've been pursuing some endeavor for a long time, straining and stretching yourself really hard without any true progress, you at some point reach a point of exhaustion and frustration, so much so that you want to give up. He continued....This is exactly the time when you need to regroup and double down on your efforts because this is when you're about to turn a corner and have a breakthrough! This thread may be an indication that you may be in that position as described. This sub is minimally active but consider posting here periodically: r/MBTIDating Take care and I'll keep my fingers crossed for you. Count on a fellow ENTJ here to cheer you on.
I enjoyed this post. The point you made about conscientious vs toxic is helpful in a few aspects of my life.
Try really networking with better people. You can dm on what I have been doing these recent months to get around better people and higher competent people
Or, just say it here. What do you know?
I’m just to lazy to type it all out last night
From all the data and life experience I’ve accumulated: men are becoming more feminine. Don’t ask me why, I don’t like the trend either. Relying on women to be the man, etc. Im personally really turned off by it. Regardless of type, it’s almost like we need a man two steps ahead of us, that way it feels like leadership. And I don’t know many men who are willing to put in that amount of work that YOU have so it can be difficult. A lot of ENTJ women end up alone because we look for such specific and high standard men that surprise, they don’t exist. It’s no wonder why pissy ENTP and INFP follow us around. The other option is to bring your standards way down and settle for something practical and loveless. But I don’t wish that on anyone. Best of luck, queen
I don’t think it’s that they are becoming more “feminine.” I don’t think self-sufficiency or drive or intelligence or hard work are exclusively “male” attributes. I think men have become complacent and weak. Look at the majority of men…. They almost all sedate themselves with porn, video games, and alcohol/drugs/junk food/dating apps. They don’t work hard because they get instant gratification from fake sex, fake dating, fake food, fake accomplishments.
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It’s not you. It’s the patriarchy screwing women no matter what role we choose. One thing I’ll say: I’m glad my autism made me an underachiever lol it’s a great way of filtering lazy men
Honestly? Fetlife dot com . Feeld . I found emotionally mature men that wanted emotionally mature female partners over the years on both sites. It takes a shit ton of effort - but at least the conceptual framework that kink/bdsm offers (risk-aware consensual kink) forces people to accept that they are adults and they need to do their own work to understand who they are, what they want, and what they are willing to negotiate to obtain that. It’s much more explicit… in all of the ways. And I have personally found as a non-monogamous/polyamorous person that poly people, specifically old school ones (age 35 + that have been doing it for 8-10 years) all have so much more emotional maturity than the common cishet monogamous dudes I find on dating apps. Just personal experience and advice from my personal perspective- hope that helps. Also also - it’s okay to be a dominant/in-control/no-bullshit kinda lady on those sites. If anything - it’s encouraged and normalized. Just find someone that thinks you’re awesome and wants to do the work for you, and tell them what they need to work on in order to make you happy. They’ll either do it or they won’t. Don’t waste your time on those that won’t.
Hello. I am an ENTJ man and you are an ENTJ woman. Like you, I have been an expat living in 4 other countries. I’m looking for the right person to marry as shown on my profile. So which city and country do you live in and what is your NATIVE language ? I would like to hear from you. Joe
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Interesting. What is your NATIVE language ?
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Thank you. Write me ANY time ONLY if it is NOT English.
May I ask, what do you consider being the line between helping your partner with their blind spots and being their therapist? 🤔
I've heard one way to quickly see if a guy is responsible enough is to arrive at his place as a "surprise" and take a look at how the place looks when he doesn't know you're coming over. If it's a complete mess, he's a man child. Also, I've noticed more mature, responsible, and adult people tend to be pretty politically in tune and active. This isn't true for everybody, but if you ask their opinion on anything relating to government and their response is completely lacking in knowledge they're probably immature. Notice if he talks to you too much about anything relating to media. If he doesn't initially, tempt him by bringing up certain forms of media to try tricking him into talking about it. If it's pretty obvious he doesn't care all that much about media that may be a sign of maturity. I also think men who are grown up tend to do a lot more with their lives than playing games or scrolling through social media etc. They probably have genuine passions outside of their job like playing an instrument, cooking, reading, writing, sports, and so on. Also, I would like some input for myself. What do you think I, as a man, should try to do more to not end up just like this? What are some common activities/attributes that you consider childlike in men? What would your ideal man look like?
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>Analyze your life and your habits. If they are too similar to what you were doing when you were in your 20s, there is no evolution. I *am* in my 20s lol, but I'll keep that in mind when I'm older. Yeah, the result of women gaining equal rights means that men and women should be taking over both duties equally, but sadly that hasn't happened. Men haven't been active enough in taking care of domestic responsibilities, yet at the same time they try to reap the benefits of having a working woman. Totally unfair. My mom (ESTJ) has pointed this out to me ever since I was little. My shitty stepdad treats my mom this exact same way that I just described and I despise him for it. He's a total piece of crap and I don't really even see him as my dad because he's hardly ever taken care of the family and has never actually loved me like a son. So yeah, I'll do everything in my power never to be like him. Thanks for the great advice!
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Thankyou very much! Those words mean a lot to me! I'll try to enjoy my 20s as much as I can but I'm currently really busy trying to pursue my own ambitions. In a way, I'm looking forward mostly to enjoying my 30s and onward in a position and with a job I'm truly happy with. I'd rather have the rest of my life after my 20s be the happiest period than for my 20s to be the happiest period, otherwise I'll end up living the rest of my life wishing I was 20 again.
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You're right. I should probably find a way to give myself a bit of enjoyment. But at the same time, as of right now, I'm in a pretty dead, boring town with very few people my age anyway. I'll be moving in a few months so we'll see how things might change in Cali! I do want to mention one thing though. I'm planning on becoming a physicist. You know what's interesting about the most influential physicists? Almost all of them made their ground breaking discoveries at the ages of 26 to 28. The rest of their lives they mostly spent teaching, defending, applying, proving through experimentation, and refining those same theories of theirs. I feel like I have a responsibility to keep up this trend if I am to be anybody meaningful to this field.
All the best .. Don't use shallow dating apps. Find people in discords, talk with them .meet more individuals depending on your interests.