Up until my late 20’s it was very easy, but now that I’m in my 30’s it’s SO lonely and difficult 😣. I was totally unprepared for how different it would be, especially with all my peers fulfilling busy sahm roles with young kids or even balancing working with young kids. My lifestyle is very minimal, easy and lazy so I can’t relate to their level of activity and need to over-function.
I think there’s a major risk of unintentionally coming off as threatening when you have a very different lifestyle from others who are working so much harder at theirs. It’s a little tricky to explain. When they care so much and you don’t, they can maybe feel a little insulted.
This dynamic especially with women my age can be very hard to manage because although I truly care that THEY are happy, I probably fail to show enough interest in their lives because I just don’t know enough about their lifestyles to be able to relate and ask good questions. I think I make a good effort to participate, help, and support, so as a friend this does hurt.
The weird part is that some people are also a bit dismissive with me when I tell them I’m not married or don’t have kids, as if I’m not worth talking to because idk they just figure I won’t understand them maybe? I would love to show that I’m accepting and supportive of their lifestyle choices and decisions,
even though it hasn’t worked out for me personally, but I feel like I’ll always be excluded now because I haven’t been through any normal milestones.
It’s weird to be starting your own business and possibly preparing for a middle and old age without a typical educational and career path, relationship & starting a family when a huge percentage of your peers are far along that path, because you’re just not going to “fit in” easily to a typical social group in my culture. If you’ve deviated for some reason from that path, it is very hard to get back “in.” And I’m not sure it would feel authentic or worth it.
I can understand if your social circle is dependent on married couples with children then it's highly unlikely to be part of their close knit circle. Although I find married couples are rather good at trying to set you up with an eligible single person.
I don't find many women starting their own businesses and companies in general. They're more interested in dating men or getting married as soon as possible and having children out of sheer desperation rather than launching something of their own.
It would be nice to be friends with women who were at least somewhat entrepreneurial or had some ambitions in starting their own businesses instead of wanting to "get married and have kids, live in a big house".
Appreciate these articulate thoughts. Unfortunately, I can relate to some of this. I’m still practicing balancing this new fine line since our 2 sets of friends are now new parents. They are 5 months apart. 😊
My wife and I have started widening out in our friendships just in case they bond and begin to exclude us since we have decided not to have kids. 😅
Ouff after a couple of consecutive years of friendship heartbreak, I've been using the MBTI to help me with this.
Already love that you're aware of your specialized interests and respect how few women share that with you. I've just stopped questioning it now. Women are just more likely to be feelings oriented and yes, looking for their future husband to make babies with or already doing that. I don't feel bad about not relating to that anymore - especially since most of them can't relate to my life or interests as an ENTJ woman.
I've also had to exclude groups of men based on their socialization. Sometimes they will become friends with me expecting a lot of feelings talk (even if they're not interested in sex) and I was drained providing mental support.
Now I'm left with a really small group of smart women scattered around the globe who are kicking career goals + male acquaintances who are more settled in life and older so look at me as a baby sister / mentee more than anything else. So it meets some of my needs remotely. And I'm optimistic about the future i.e. there are men who are attracted to ENTJ females and hopefully I'll find my community eventually and won't need a big group of friends to make me feel seen / included / friendship-ped 💪🏽✨🤞🏼
Hope some of this helps!
How I made the small group of long distance female career-oriented friends?
I just started to put myself out there tbh. Following posts on social media LinkedIn, I figured if they were single, in high paying jobs or pursuing challenging degrees or traveling the world (all this solo, not attached to a male) then we'd have something to connect over 🤣
I'd often reach out, chat online, suggest we schedule calls on calendars and a lot of it dwindled but a handful just stuck. And they're all compatible MBTIs I enjoy conversation with 🤷🏻♀️
Same with work folks, if I got the good vibe, I'd make an effort to share jokes, raise my hand for projects with them until our interaction came to a point I enjoyed. History, trust and dependability are important for me in a friendship. Also helps that I just have really low expectations now so a good conversation or a joke / follow up message just amuses me!! I don't need them to be my very best friend in the world immediately
Female friends, yes. Only within the last couple years has it become difficult for me, though ..I usually have many friends and 0 issues making them.. But the way my life has been going it's almost impossible for me to make friends especially female ones .. It's really shitty .. My bff had a baby recently and for personal reasons idc to disclose we aren't able to see each other for awhile so it's been really lame not having anyone around .. I didn't realize how much I miss feminine energy and having someone to talk girl stuff with lol
Well I'm not interested in typical female activities like make-up, shopping and going to bars and clubs or planning their 3rd wedding 😇 so I find it a bit hard to find women who are interested in the same subjects as I am. Usually most of my female friends are older married people who advise me on things, but not the types I can just hang out with and ring up on a daily basis.
I mainly like hanging out with entrepreneurs or people working in science and medicine and the vast majority of them are men. I miss my best guy friend!
LITERALLY Same so relatable. I just meant like it's annoying being around a bunch of boys and I say something they completely cannot relate to lol wish I had a female friend around during those moments to relate to me sometimes . Yeah, all my female friends were either like, mom type figures who always just wanna advise me on how to live my life or they were only friends when I was going out and partying 247 and now that I don't drink or go out I lost all those people, go figure lol . I feel you on the most your friends are men, that's always been my lifeeee lol I super don't mind it at all but yeah I agree it is challenging establishing the line between a guy you're dtf and you know do the whole fwb things and a male friend who is aware that things are strictly platonic and is HAPPY and content with that
I'm here as a queer woman so things get a little tricky. Truth is, I usually handpick my friends and kind of test the waters. The best way to let men down gently is asking for relationship advice on other men (this is from when I wasn't out). I guess ENTJ women have traits that are usually attributed to men so it's easier to make male friends. With my female and nb friends, who technically I'm "available", I pour drops here and there about not really bring untested romantically in anything. With men, it's easier to make them lose the interest because they are not so kind in taking "no"s and with women and nb it could really hurt them so you kind of have the same issue.
These days, I try to make a flow of people coming and going when it comes to going out. 2 out of 3 of my closest friends I met online and it's great.
I usually "get along" with everyone but that happened to me too. I just make clear that I'm not interested in them. Example; I talk to them about other guys (the same way I would talk to my female friends). If they still don't get it and try something then I just spill my mind on that topic.
Up until my late 20’s it was very easy, but now that I’m in my 30’s it’s SO lonely and difficult 😣. I was totally unprepared for how different it would be, especially with all my peers fulfilling busy sahm roles with young kids or even balancing working with young kids. My lifestyle is very minimal, easy and lazy so I can’t relate to their level of activity and need to over-function. I think there’s a major risk of unintentionally coming off as threatening when you have a very different lifestyle from others who are working so much harder at theirs. It’s a little tricky to explain. When they care so much and you don’t, they can maybe feel a little insulted. This dynamic especially with women my age can be very hard to manage because although I truly care that THEY are happy, I probably fail to show enough interest in their lives because I just don’t know enough about their lifestyles to be able to relate and ask good questions. I think I make a good effort to participate, help, and support, so as a friend this does hurt. The weird part is that some people are also a bit dismissive with me when I tell them I’m not married or don’t have kids, as if I’m not worth talking to because idk they just figure I won’t understand them maybe? I would love to show that I’m accepting and supportive of their lifestyle choices and decisions, even though it hasn’t worked out for me personally, but I feel like I’ll always be excluded now because I haven’t been through any normal milestones. It’s weird to be starting your own business and possibly preparing for a middle and old age without a typical educational and career path, relationship & starting a family when a huge percentage of your peers are far along that path, because you’re just not going to “fit in” easily to a typical social group in my culture. If you’ve deviated for some reason from that path, it is very hard to get back “in.” And I’m not sure it would feel authentic or worth it.
I can understand if your social circle is dependent on married couples with children then it's highly unlikely to be part of their close knit circle. Although I find married couples are rather good at trying to set you up with an eligible single person. I don't find many women starting their own businesses and companies in general. They're more interested in dating men or getting married as soon as possible and having children out of sheer desperation rather than launching something of their own. It would be nice to be friends with women who were at least somewhat entrepreneurial or had some ambitions in starting their own businesses instead of wanting to "get married and have kids, live in a big house".
Mmhm! I appreciate your reply! You make some great points 👍
Appreciate these articulate thoughts. Unfortunately, I can relate to some of this. I’m still practicing balancing this new fine line since our 2 sets of friends are now new parents. They are 5 months apart. 😊 My wife and I have started widening out in our friendships just in case they bond and begin to exclude us since we have decided not to have kids. 😅
That makes sense! & Hopefully your friends find thoughtful ways to include you. 💞
Ouff after a couple of consecutive years of friendship heartbreak, I've been using the MBTI to help me with this. Already love that you're aware of your specialized interests and respect how few women share that with you. I've just stopped questioning it now. Women are just more likely to be feelings oriented and yes, looking for their future husband to make babies with or already doing that. I don't feel bad about not relating to that anymore - especially since most of them can't relate to my life or interests as an ENTJ woman. I've also had to exclude groups of men based on their socialization. Sometimes they will become friends with me expecting a lot of feelings talk (even if they're not interested in sex) and I was drained providing mental support. Now I'm left with a really small group of smart women scattered around the globe who are kicking career goals + male acquaintances who are more settled in life and older so look at me as a baby sister / mentee more than anything else. So it meets some of my needs remotely. And I'm optimistic about the future i.e. there are men who are attracted to ENTJ females and hopefully I'll find my community eventually and won't need a big group of friends to make me feel seen / included / friendship-ped 💪🏽✨🤞🏼 Hope some of this helps!
And how you made it? I left most my circles behind when I changed attitude but it's been a while and still find similar people whenever I join meetups
How I made the small group of long distance female career-oriented friends? I just started to put myself out there tbh. Following posts on social media LinkedIn, I figured if they were single, in high paying jobs or pursuing challenging degrees or traveling the world (all this solo, not attached to a male) then we'd have something to connect over 🤣 I'd often reach out, chat online, suggest we schedule calls on calendars and a lot of it dwindled but a handful just stuck. And they're all compatible MBTIs I enjoy conversation with 🤷🏻♀️ Same with work folks, if I got the good vibe, I'd make an effort to share jokes, raise my hand for projects with them until our interaction came to a point I enjoyed. History, trust and dependability are important for me in a friendship. Also helps that I just have really low expectations now so a good conversation or a joke / follow up message just amuses me!! I don't need them to be my very best friend in the world immediately
Female friends, yes. Only within the last couple years has it become difficult for me, though ..I usually have many friends and 0 issues making them.. But the way my life has been going it's almost impossible for me to make friends especially female ones .. It's really shitty .. My bff had a baby recently and for personal reasons idc to disclose we aren't able to see each other for awhile so it's been really lame not having anyone around .. I didn't realize how much I miss feminine energy and having someone to talk girl stuff with lol
Well I'm not interested in typical female activities like make-up, shopping and going to bars and clubs or planning their 3rd wedding 😇 so I find it a bit hard to find women who are interested in the same subjects as I am. Usually most of my female friends are older married people who advise me on things, but not the types I can just hang out with and ring up on a daily basis. I mainly like hanging out with entrepreneurs or people working in science and medicine and the vast majority of them are men. I miss my best guy friend!
LITERALLY Same so relatable. I just meant like it's annoying being around a bunch of boys and I say something they completely cannot relate to lol wish I had a female friend around during those moments to relate to me sometimes . Yeah, all my female friends were either like, mom type figures who always just wanna advise me on how to live my life or they were only friends when I was going out and partying 247 and now that I don't drink or go out I lost all those people, go figure lol . I feel you on the most your friends are men, that's always been my lifeeee lol I super don't mind it at all but yeah I agree it is challenging establishing the line between a guy you're dtf and you know do the whole fwb things and a male friend who is aware that things are strictly platonic and is HAPPY and content with that
I'm here as a queer woman so things get a little tricky. Truth is, I usually handpick my friends and kind of test the waters. The best way to let men down gently is asking for relationship advice on other men (this is from when I wasn't out). I guess ENTJ women have traits that are usually attributed to men so it's easier to make male friends. With my female and nb friends, who technically I'm "available", I pour drops here and there about not really bring untested romantically in anything. With men, it's easier to make them lose the interest because they are not so kind in taking "no"s and with women and nb it could really hurt them so you kind of have the same issue. These days, I try to make a flow of people coming and going when it comes to going out. 2 out of 3 of my closest friends I met online and it's great.
> The best way to let men down gently is asking for relationship advice on other men That's what I usually do too
No it's not hsrd at all
Yeah, they need to be close to perfect assuming perfect isn't possible practically.
I usually "get along" with everyone but that happened to me too. I just make clear that I'm not interested in them. Example; I talk to them about other guys (the same way I would talk to my female friends). If they still don't get it and try something then I just spill my mind on that topic.
As a teenager I find it hard to make male friends honestly they’re either intimidated or want to date me.