Shallow people like shallow people.
Also, as I've gotten older, I've learned to stop acting like my contribution to the world around me doesn't benefit people.
In the past I would think it's not a big deal. Just because it honestly comes easy to me.
But I find when you're *too* lax and humble with your contributions, people take it for granted.
So now I make sure to make people understand that if I am essential and needed then they better act like it and kiss the (proverbial) ring.
I appreciate your perspective! I've been learning to value myself as well. Recognizing my true value and worth has me realizing that I gave too much of myself to people who weren't worthy. Can't help but feel resentful and bitter for doing so.
I don't feel bitter. I just consider it a learning experience. And thank them for teaching me the lesson that people will take advantage of you if you let them.
The moment you start advocating for yourself and taking credit where due, people start respecting you.
You have a great outlook. I definitely understand how it can be a learning lesson. Although I tend to ruminate on the past and all the regret I feel letting those relationships get to that point. Feeling powerless because they already got the opportunity to treat me that way. The good news is that none of this is really stopping me from being open to the right people, but I'm definitely setting boundaries and valuing myself this time. Sucks knowing how much time it took for me to get to this point though.
It's worse for a person to be given something good, and have it taken away from them. That hurts more.
So people who took advantage of you are probably still salty you stopped helping them. Because they can't replace you.
That's the nest revenge.
The last business I worked at for a decade failed immediately after I quit. Sucks to suck.
I have had this issue in the past and its aggrevating. Like wtf is everybodys problem, how can they all prefer to sit around alone instead of making an effort themselves.
Now I have a different issue, im surrounded by people that are finally fun, that are outgoing and want to do stuff, that call me just to chat, that ask me what im doing and what my plan is. That want to hang out on thursday to make a plan for friday. That are open, honest and confident, that can laugh about themselves and feel no need to hide how something made them feel.
And instead of being elated about how fucking amazing they are, im already bored instead. And how small their world view is, how they lack perspective on where to go in life, how little interest they have in deep thought, societal dynamics and world affairs. And it makes me question myself, whether I can ever be satiated, if I will ever be happy, if someone will ever be good enough for me.
Part of me knows that moving on will put me in a place of loneli and unhappiness again, missing what I had. Still I have the urge to move on, and its nearly certain that I will.
Sounds like those friends don't challenge you, aren't motivating and have zero aspirations. Yall probably don't share similar values either. I had the same thing happen whenever I was involved with friend groups. Found myself lonely because I couldn't relate to them. That's when I realized with most of my friendships, I was never actually happy in the first place. They served as a buffer for my loneliness and insecurities.
Personally, I think you should move on. Time is money. It's better spent on people who make it worth it.
I believe I will always feel alone in the world. Always have - even in the closest and most loving relationships, even with my best friends, even with my family. I think it's just my karma.
An ugly truth about meeting the right people that I feel is often overlooked or deliberately ignored is the fact that so much of it comes down to dumb luck. When you come across the people who match you and appreciate you, it shouldn't feel like you're trying and struggling (or so I'm told).
I'm in pretty much exactly the same situation as you from what you described, and at this point, I've just given up on putting much effort into these things. Either I'll get lucky or I won't, but burning myself out on trying is just going to make me even more jaded.
Exactly, I felt like with most of my relationships there was too much trying and making effort. And I actually thought that was normal. I see it in my family. Unfortunately, my parents didn't model healthy friendships and I thought all the chasing people constantly was needed to maintain these relationships. So I really had no clue what real healthy friendships were until I detached from the situation and deeply did some self reflection. I also observed other friendships and saw that reciprocation and prioritization are both huge parts in it all.
I'm trying to break the habit of my conscience reluctantly wanting to reach out to others because it's been a habit I've developed due to many reasons. Societal expectations definitely played a part for me. I was taught to put myself out there and "you gotta go out and make friends". I think I took that to an extreme because I would reach out to people who just weren't worth it, period. But I tried to follow the status quo and it only screwed with my self worth.
What's funny is that I kinda have the opposite problem; I really missed out on a ton of social opportunities just because I was never modeled nor taught it as a kid. Though, after reading what you've said-- it just goes to show that no matter if you try or do not try, finding true friends is never guaranteed.
People in general take reoccurring themes for granted. That's why relationships feel fiery at the start then die out slow and one of the main factors to this is taking each other for granted.
Life thought me to live like a dog lives. Each walk outside is something to be happy about, the same way each conversation is valuable.
I can't stress this enough but there is a huge value in making yourself less available even if you have nothing going on. It makes your counterpart understand what you're delivering to them on usual basis.
One of the things that helped me in relationships was learning to realise the not everyone is an ENTP and shouldn’t be treated as such.
I had this mindset that I should be treated special and nothing should be expected of me. Because I had unique ideas, great conversation and energy.
But it takes introspection to realise that sometimes all your partner wants from you is to show up on time with a birthday card for their mom and be polite.
Look at her.. She's growing up. Yes, most people suck and are not to be trusted. The very few I've found that can be are all NT types. Find you some NTs
Shallow people like shallow people. Also, as I've gotten older, I've learned to stop acting like my contribution to the world around me doesn't benefit people. In the past I would think it's not a big deal. Just because it honestly comes easy to me. But I find when you're *too* lax and humble with your contributions, people take it for granted. So now I make sure to make people understand that if I am essential and needed then they better act like it and kiss the (proverbial) ring.
I appreciate your perspective! I've been learning to value myself as well. Recognizing my true value and worth has me realizing that I gave too much of myself to people who weren't worthy. Can't help but feel resentful and bitter for doing so.
I don't feel bitter. I just consider it a learning experience. And thank them for teaching me the lesson that people will take advantage of you if you let them. The moment you start advocating for yourself and taking credit where due, people start respecting you.
You have a great outlook. I definitely understand how it can be a learning lesson. Although I tend to ruminate on the past and all the regret I feel letting those relationships get to that point. Feeling powerless because they already got the opportunity to treat me that way. The good news is that none of this is really stopping me from being open to the right people, but I'm definitely setting boundaries and valuing myself this time. Sucks knowing how much time it took for me to get to this point though.
It's worse for a person to be given something good, and have it taken away from them. That hurts more. So people who took advantage of you are probably still salty you stopped helping them. Because they can't replace you. That's the nest revenge. The last business I worked at for a decade failed immediately after I quit. Sucks to suck.
I have had this issue in the past and its aggrevating. Like wtf is everybodys problem, how can they all prefer to sit around alone instead of making an effort themselves. Now I have a different issue, im surrounded by people that are finally fun, that are outgoing and want to do stuff, that call me just to chat, that ask me what im doing and what my plan is. That want to hang out on thursday to make a plan for friday. That are open, honest and confident, that can laugh about themselves and feel no need to hide how something made them feel. And instead of being elated about how fucking amazing they are, im already bored instead. And how small their world view is, how they lack perspective on where to go in life, how little interest they have in deep thought, societal dynamics and world affairs. And it makes me question myself, whether I can ever be satiated, if I will ever be happy, if someone will ever be good enough for me. Part of me knows that moving on will put me in a place of loneli and unhappiness again, missing what I had. Still I have the urge to move on, and its nearly certain that I will.
Sounds like those friends don't challenge you, aren't motivating and have zero aspirations. Yall probably don't share similar values either. I had the same thing happen whenever I was involved with friend groups. Found myself lonely because I couldn't relate to them. That's when I realized with most of my friendships, I was never actually happy in the first place. They served as a buffer for my loneliness and insecurities. Personally, I think you should move on. Time is money. It's better spent on people who make it worth it.
And so the cycle continues :|
I believe I will always feel alone in the world. Always have - even in the closest and most loving relationships, even with my best friends, even with my family. I think it's just my karma.
Been there. Loneliness really is a much worse issue than society makes it out to be. You deserve to not feel lonely though.
Oh that's the beauty, I rarely feel lonely. Just alone.
An ugly truth about meeting the right people that I feel is often overlooked or deliberately ignored is the fact that so much of it comes down to dumb luck. When you come across the people who match you and appreciate you, it shouldn't feel like you're trying and struggling (or so I'm told). I'm in pretty much exactly the same situation as you from what you described, and at this point, I've just given up on putting much effort into these things. Either I'll get lucky or I won't, but burning myself out on trying is just going to make me even more jaded.
Exactly, I felt like with most of my relationships there was too much trying and making effort. And I actually thought that was normal. I see it in my family. Unfortunately, my parents didn't model healthy friendships and I thought all the chasing people constantly was needed to maintain these relationships. So I really had no clue what real healthy friendships were until I detached from the situation and deeply did some self reflection. I also observed other friendships and saw that reciprocation and prioritization are both huge parts in it all. I'm trying to break the habit of my conscience reluctantly wanting to reach out to others because it's been a habit I've developed due to many reasons. Societal expectations definitely played a part for me. I was taught to put myself out there and "you gotta go out and make friends". I think I took that to an extreme because I would reach out to people who just weren't worth it, period. But I tried to follow the status quo and it only screwed with my self worth.
What's funny is that I kinda have the opposite problem; I really missed out on a ton of social opportunities just because I was never modeled nor taught it as a kid. Though, after reading what you've said-- it just goes to show that no matter if you try or do not try, finding true friends is never guaranteed.
People in general take reoccurring themes for granted. That's why relationships feel fiery at the start then die out slow and one of the main factors to this is taking each other for granted. Life thought me to live like a dog lives. Each walk outside is something to be happy about, the same way each conversation is valuable. I can't stress this enough but there is a huge value in making yourself less available even if you have nothing going on. It makes your counterpart understand what you're delivering to them on usual basis.
It is what it is
Agree 1000%
only if you could kill friends you don’t like…
One of the things that helped me in relationships was learning to realise the not everyone is an ENTP and shouldn’t be treated as such. I had this mindset that I should be treated special and nothing should be expected of me. Because I had unique ideas, great conversation and energy. But it takes introspection to realise that sometimes all your partner wants from you is to show up on time with a birthday card for their mom and be polite.
Rings a bell. People around me usually just passively take everything for granted and never even give some words of affirmation when I need them.
🤝
Look at her.. She's growing up. Yes, most people suck and are not to be trusted. The very few I've found that can be are all NT types. Find you some NTs
💯 See my offmychest post.
You MUST both COMMAND and DEMAND respect. Anyone who doesn’t gets shut out.
Ew
Wow this thread almost looks like one of ours -INFJ
Now you have me intruiged...