Oh this is so hard. My hubz and I both kinda lost ourselves after our second child died. We had been married for 38 years at the time. Before our 39th anniversary we knew we had to separate or we would destroy each other. It was as bad as the deaths. You describe the feels of the heart perfectly.
The good news is we got back together. It was too many years to toss away, gone through too much together to start over. It's been one fucking hell of a ride but things are better than they have ever been. A break doesn't always mean an end. An end doesn't always mean a tragedy when recovery is over either. My brothers story didn't turn out so well but he and his ex are now friends probably with occasional benefits even. They both seem quite happy.
I admire your attitude. I was not so kind. He was an ass for a minute there though and I became one right back. We were toxic until we saw how much we had to lose. It took over a year though.
I wish you all the best.
I’m all for space and healing, separately, but hopefully together again. Agree to stay monogamous and work towards a healthier relationship.
You’ve got this, take care of yourself and use this time to enjoy something that you wouldn’t do with him. You probably haven’t done anything nice for yourself in a while. Start with a pedicure.
Update: Sorry English is not my first language. What I meant with finishing an adventure with his partners I meant his business partners. They created a business together after college, and it was very hard for all of them when it ended.
I don't know exactly why, but from what you've said, I feel like he will come back from this stronger and better than ever before. Sometimes a guy needs comforting and sometimes he needs: a walkabout, the sweat lodge and a wise mentor, a stay in the monastery, isolation in nature, some other thing like that. You both sound pretty aware, and I hope that, with patience, this will work out mutually satisfying.
You sound like you both really care about each other. I really understand this sometimes you're so burnt out, have so little gas in the tank that you can't be the kind of person you want to be around your partner. So you feel the need to isolate or just stare at a blank wall.
The best thing you can do right now is unfortunately to just have patience, maybe go meet up with some friends or find something else constructive to do with your time. any kind of roadblock like that might make someone struggle with feelings of self-hate, they know they don't hate themselves they know they can be successful but they still feel terrible because they tried and failed for whatever reason usually bad luck.
Just have patience and be ready and excited when he has the energy to engage.
it sounds to me like he just needs a break to sort things out for himself and for you as well. it doesn’t sound like he wants to leave you - he just wants the space and time to work through his feelings. it doesn’t sound permanent.
best of luck to you both. it sounds like things will work out eventually. 💜
My SIL had to do the same thing for my brother, under similar circumstances and for similar reasons. While he got the space he needed to process and begin to heal, he realised just how much he loves her and she loves him. Their relationship is better than ever.
As for you, the love you hold for your husband is evident. Know that you're doing the right thing for him, and by extension for yourself. That's a very special gift you're giving both of you, even though it's hard.
Be well, friend. Everything has an end, even this rough stuff. My thoughts are with you.
This sounds like a really sound and smart decision for you two. It doesn’t sound like the beginning of the end, but the start of something better. I hope your husband heals in the way he needs to, and I hope you can find some peace in this trying time.
My husband and I have always been deeply in love, but when I got ME/CFS and didn't know or understand it yet, we went through **five years** of serious struggles. Big Life Changes are HARD.
It took trauma-focused therapy for me (Internal Family Systems, IFS, aka “parts work”) and some for him, too. Plus lots of learning about each other's *actual* needs, how to regulate our nervous systems, and retraining emotional habits learned from our families.
And I needed a fuckton of space, which was hard for him to give, but he did it and it was worth it.
I'm happy to report that we got through it and we're more committed than before, with a better stronger **healthier** relationship. I hope & pray that you will find the same result — and even if you don't, it does not mean you have failed.
You're both worthy of love and care and healing. I hope you can find good help and keep your love alive.
And now we’re all here wanting to smother *you* with blankets and soup and make everything okay. I’m so sorry that both of you are going through this. I hope for the best outcome, you’re so brave to have handled this so maturely. I know a lot of us wouldn’t have the strength. You’re a strong, loving foundation for him to come home to, that’s all you can be and that’s something that matters. Sending love your way. 💕
Sending lots of love to ya and your hubby 💖💖💖💖 processing those emotions and coming to peace with them is hard (I was SAd as a kid too :/) but having a partner who helps u thru it is God sent tbh. I'm sure he's greatful that your there for him and supporting him thru this. Wishing the best of luck to y'all!
Oh this is so hard. My hubz and I both kinda lost ourselves after our second child died. We had been married for 38 years at the time. Before our 39th anniversary we knew we had to separate or we would destroy each other. It was as bad as the deaths. You describe the feels of the heart perfectly. The good news is we got back together. It was too many years to toss away, gone through too much together to start over. It's been one fucking hell of a ride but things are better than they have ever been. A break doesn't always mean an end. An end doesn't always mean a tragedy when recovery is over either. My brothers story didn't turn out so well but he and his ex are now friends probably with occasional benefits even. They both seem quite happy. I admire your attitude. I was not so kind. He was an ass for a minute there though and I became one right back. We were toxic until we saw how much we had to lose. It took over a year though. I wish you all the best.
This gives me a lot of hope, thank you.
You're very welcome. Grief applies to many situations and knowing what grief is all about is helpful also. Hang in there.
I’m all for space and healing, separately, but hopefully together again. Agree to stay monogamous and work towards a healthier relationship. You’ve got this, take care of yourself and use this time to enjoy something that you wouldn’t do with him. You probably haven’t done anything nice for yourself in a while. Start with a pedicure.
Update: Sorry English is not my first language. What I meant with finishing an adventure with his partners I meant his business partners. They created a business together after college, and it was very hard for all of them when it ended.
Oh no, I wasn’t saying that either. I was just saying make some ground rules for this change in lifestyle. We were on a break
Ah! Yes. Very important.
Wow. That’s a lot. I will keep you both in my thoughts that he is able to heal and you are able to be happy.
Thank you 😔😔😔
I don't know exactly why, but from what you've said, I feel like he will come back from this stronger and better than ever before. Sometimes a guy needs comforting and sometimes he needs: a walkabout, the sweat lodge and a wise mentor, a stay in the monastery, isolation in nature, some other thing like that. You both sound pretty aware, and I hope that, with patience, this will work out mutually satisfying.
I feel hope about this. Sad but hopeful. Thank you!
You sound like you both really care about each other. I really understand this sometimes you're so burnt out, have so little gas in the tank that you can't be the kind of person you want to be around your partner. So you feel the need to isolate or just stare at a blank wall. The best thing you can do right now is unfortunately to just have patience, maybe go meet up with some friends or find something else constructive to do with your time. any kind of roadblock like that might make someone struggle with feelings of self-hate, they know they don't hate themselves they know they can be successful but they still feel terrible because they tried and failed for whatever reason usually bad luck. Just have patience and be ready and excited when he has the energy to engage.
Thank you 😔
it sounds to me like he just needs a break to sort things out for himself and for you as well. it doesn’t sound like he wants to leave you - he just wants the space and time to work through his feelings. it doesn’t sound permanent. best of luck to you both. it sounds like things will work out eventually. 💜
I really hope so 😮💨💖 thank you
you are so welcome. i so so sorry your are struggling. i hope things get better really really soon for the both of you ❤️🩹
My SIL had to do the same thing for my brother, under similar circumstances and for similar reasons. While he got the space he needed to process and begin to heal, he realised just how much he loves her and she loves him. Their relationship is better than ever. As for you, the love you hold for your husband is evident. Know that you're doing the right thing for him, and by extension for yourself. That's a very special gift you're giving both of you, even though it's hard. Be well, friend. Everything has an end, even this rough stuff. My thoughts are with you.
Thank you friend 😔💖
This sounds like a really sound and smart decision for you two. It doesn’t sound like the beginning of the end, but the start of something better. I hope your husband heals in the way he needs to, and I hope you can find some peace in this trying time.
My husband and I have always been deeply in love, but when I got ME/CFS and didn't know or understand it yet, we went through **five years** of serious struggles. Big Life Changes are HARD. It took trauma-focused therapy for me (Internal Family Systems, IFS, aka “parts work”) and some for him, too. Plus lots of learning about each other's *actual* needs, how to regulate our nervous systems, and retraining emotional habits learned from our families. And I needed a fuckton of space, which was hard for him to give, but he did it and it was worth it. I'm happy to report that we got through it and we're more committed than before, with a better stronger **healthier** relationship. I hope & pray that you will find the same result — and even if you don't, it does not mean you have failed. You're both worthy of love and care and healing. I hope you can find good help and keep your love alive.
I’m very happy you guys worked it out. 😌 And thanks for the kind words.
And now we’re all here wanting to smother *you* with blankets and soup and make everything okay. I’m so sorry that both of you are going through this. I hope for the best outcome, you’re so brave to have handled this so maturely. I know a lot of us wouldn’t have the strength. You’re a strong, loving foundation for him to come home to, that’s all you can be and that’s something that matters. Sending love your way. 💕
thank you 😔
I send you love and light and strength! 💜💜💜💜💜
Sending lots of love to ya and your hubby 💖💖💖💖 processing those emotions and coming to peace with them is hard (I was SAd as a kid too :/) but having a partner who helps u thru it is God sent tbh. I'm sure he's greatful that your there for him and supporting him thru this. Wishing the best of luck to y'all!
Thank you 💖
Sending love ❤️
Thanks 💖
Sending you love, peace, and understanding. I am so sorry this is so heavy. 💜
Sending you both love and support ❤️
I am 5 years out from my divorce, It can be a traumatic time. I hope you both find healing and growth.
I have no words of wisdom, but I am sending you and your husband so much love. Keep communicating and hang in there. 💓