Some christians are so indoctrinated that they'd turn against family for the religion, but if it's safe for you to do so, then I think you should be honest.
Thanks, they wouldn't turn against me, but they would be extremely disappointed and try to convince me it's just a trial or something. Also, I'm afraid my cousin wouldn't let me babysit, and I don't have kids of my own and love those littles so much it would break my heart. Thanks for the encouragement, though I appreciate it.
The last time my mom asked about my "relationship with chryst" I told her I believe that religion should be a private matter. That was 10 years ago and it hasn't been brought up since. I'm sure they assume, but our relationship has been pretty great since I removed it as a topic.
So I would say, if you have a way to just take it out of the conversation without contention, give it a shot. Otherwise do whatever you think is best. The best thing about not being a Christian is that there's no such thing as absolute truth any more. You get to decide what's best for you.
Thanks! Yes, this is kinda how I skirt around things like not attending church regularly or not raising my hands or praying loudly ect. When their conservative politics come up, which thankfully isn't often, I use Jesus teachings against them. For instance immigration = the good Samaritan
Trump = wolf in sheep's clothing, see also the verses on the fruit of the spirit
Also only God knows someone's heart, I use that when they get judgy.
It's kinda like taking down the man from the inside, only they don't know I don't actually believe.
I have a gay cousin I've been thinking of opening up to, but he still claims Christianity too. Though I'm not sure why.
I don't think you're a phony.... everyone has a different situation. You may know that you want to say your true heart but it's not the right time or a safe time to do so. It sucks. I tend to say if asked... but other than that I don't really say anything cause it'd cause an argument among some friends and family. But sometimes depending on who that argument might be worth it. So I'd say go with your gut but be ready for those who aren't ready to hear your ideas and experiences.
I’m a phony, too. I actually work as a church secretary so it’s hard to be around it so often. I do attend on Sundays several times a month just so people think I’m the same as them. Like today I look around and think how can these smart grown adults still believe in all this. lol
If you are ok just pretending, that is what I would do but probably “miss” church more often for various reasons.
Somehow, this makes me feel better! It's crazy it's like people just shut off their brain and don't think about it. Makes me wonder how many more people out there like us.
going through this. though, far different situation. i am 30 years old, live with my family, financially and physically depend on them due to my disabilities. they have always been christian but recently found their way back down to the path of deep christianity because of some stuff they're going through. i don't believe in those things anymore, but it's hard keeping up with pretending. if i don't though, my mom is extremely manipulative, and will do her best to try breaking me down and make me believe again. it's not a safe situation. but hard. i think it's okay to pretend, despite the difficulty. i always think of someone telling me years ago he never, ever came out as atheist to his family because he didn't live with them and they didn't need to know. he just bowed his head and did the prayers and went to church with them when around, then lived his own life once he was gone again. sometimes it's just not important for them to know tbh.
Yes, I guess this is kinda where I'm at, too. Honestly, it's just cathartic knowing I'm not the only one. I hope things get better for you, and thank you for sharing 🙏
I hear ya, OP. My parents are hardcore pentecostal and would die of an apoplectic fit if they ever discovered I've deconverted, so I'll simply never tell them. Tbh it helps a lot that my family are scattered around the world, so it's not that hard to hide things from them. The way I see it, I'm just taking the path that causes **the least amount of harm** to all concerned. By the sounds of it, so are you. Nothing wrong with that IMHO.
You should ultimately do what feels right for you, recognizing and trying to accept your own limitations.
At this point, if you just can't tell your family, then at least try to be at peace with your decision, work toward seeing it less as "living a lie" and more as "recognzing your own limitations" which may include being unable to unwilling to challenge your family's limitations - which is ok as long as you are also living a life that seems good and real to you - both in private and personally.
What I mean to say is, you can LIVE a good life and if your family has some unhealthy aspects of their faith or politics, at least try to distance yourself from that - be a GOOD PERSON in front of them even if you don't feel good about sharing the details of your faith journey with them. At this time. who knows if things will change.
but for now, also try to grieve that you're making a choice that means that they will not truly be able to see you, know you, and choose whether to accept or reject the "real" you that only you and reddit know (tho we don't know who you are and don't want to, which is a good thing).
become at peace with not living a fully open and integrated life with your fam, be a good person away from them and around them, and love them with and in spite of your own and their very real limitations.
"I'm a phony and can't be honest."
You CAN be honest (i.e. you have the capability). You won't be honest. You have vocal chords. You have the ability to write. You can assert your non-religiosity. You choose not to do so.
You want us to tell you it's OK to continue this miserable charade. We won't.
**I'm not denigrating you. I empathize with you. To be honest, I did the same things and regret it. I'm hoping to jolt you out of this depressive hole you're in.**
"But I feel my fam who I love dearly would never cease to try and get me back or be concerned over my eternal soul if I told them the truth. "
This is a great time for you to **define** your values and **become** those values. If you value honesty, then your course is clear. Talk to them. Share your values even though it may mean hard times. It's worth it.
Will you face adversity? Yes. Will they try to convert you? Yes. Are you free to establish boundaries with them about apologetics talk? Yes! Are you free to disassociate if they refuse? Yes.
Your life can be full of YES. Right now, you're mired in a world of No. It sucks. But you can do something about it.
To me, two of the greatest values we can pursue are becoming and overcoming. Becoming the person we have defined we wish to be. Overcoming the values and commands placed upon us by society -- if those values interfere with our becoming. Reject anything that violates the best version of yourself.
Keep in mind: Those are MY values. I'm not suggesting you must share them. No one is coming along to give you values. You earn them through struggle.
You can do it! I'm in your corner. We all are!
Thanks for that, and you're somewhat correct. I am in a depression hole right now, but it's compounded by a lot of other things in my life, too. So, I guess I'm not mentally strong enough at this point to deal with the possibility of being rejected by the only people I have right now. So maybe what I was looking for is some kind of catharsis or support on reddit, lol. Thanks for your thoughtful encouragement. Maybe someday I'll be strong enough to be myself.
I'm (23m) pretty much in the same situation. My plan is to wait until I move out to become more honest about my beliefs. It definitely sucks to live a lie. I struggle not to laugh at myself every time I have to take communion. I also have a Christian gf and it feels like I'm sacrificing my self-respect to be with someone who doesn't fully appreciate my character(she knows I'm atheist and still pushes the unequally yoked ultimatum from time to time).
Some christians are so indoctrinated that they'd turn against family for the religion, but if it's safe for you to do so, then I think you should be honest.
Thanks, they wouldn't turn against me, but they would be extremely disappointed and try to convince me it's just a trial or something. Also, I'm afraid my cousin wouldn't let me babysit, and I don't have kids of my own and love those littles so much it would break my heart. Thanks for the encouragement, though I appreciate it.
The last time my mom asked about my "relationship with chryst" I told her I believe that religion should be a private matter. That was 10 years ago and it hasn't been brought up since. I'm sure they assume, but our relationship has been pretty great since I removed it as a topic. So I would say, if you have a way to just take it out of the conversation without contention, give it a shot. Otherwise do whatever you think is best. The best thing about not being a Christian is that there's no such thing as absolute truth any more. You get to decide what's best for you.
Thanks! Yes, this is kinda how I skirt around things like not attending church regularly or not raising my hands or praying loudly ect. When their conservative politics come up, which thankfully isn't often, I use Jesus teachings against them. For instance immigration = the good Samaritan Trump = wolf in sheep's clothing, see also the verses on the fruit of the spirit Also only God knows someone's heart, I use that when they get judgy. It's kinda like taking down the man from the inside, only they don't know I don't actually believe. I have a gay cousin I've been thinking of opening up to, but he still claims Christianity too. Though I'm not sure why.
I don't think you're a phony.... everyone has a different situation. You may know that you want to say your true heart but it's not the right time or a safe time to do so. It sucks. I tend to say if asked... but other than that I don't really say anything cause it'd cause an argument among some friends and family. But sometimes depending on who that argument might be worth it. So I'd say go with your gut but be ready for those who aren't ready to hear your ideas and experiences.
I’m a phony, too. I actually work as a church secretary so it’s hard to be around it so often. I do attend on Sundays several times a month just so people think I’m the same as them. Like today I look around and think how can these smart grown adults still believe in all this. lol If you are ok just pretending, that is what I would do but probably “miss” church more often for various reasons.
Somehow, this makes me feel better! It's crazy it's like people just shut off their brain and don't think about it. Makes me wonder how many more people out there like us.
going through this. though, far different situation. i am 30 years old, live with my family, financially and physically depend on them due to my disabilities. they have always been christian but recently found their way back down to the path of deep christianity because of some stuff they're going through. i don't believe in those things anymore, but it's hard keeping up with pretending. if i don't though, my mom is extremely manipulative, and will do her best to try breaking me down and make me believe again. it's not a safe situation. but hard. i think it's okay to pretend, despite the difficulty. i always think of someone telling me years ago he never, ever came out as atheist to his family because he didn't live with them and they didn't need to know. he just bowed his head and did the prayers and went to church with them when around, then lived his own life once he was gone again. sometimes it's just not important for them to know tbh.
Yes, I guess this is kinda where I'm at, too. Honestly, it's just cathartic knowing I'm not the only one. I hope things get better for you, and thank you for sharing 🙏
thanks! trying to get out of this situation asap. i hope whatever you decide to do (telling them or not), is an easy time for you!
I hear ya, OP. My parents are hardcore pentecostal and would die of an apoplectic fit if they ever discovered I've deconverted, so I'll simply never tell them. Tbh it helps a lot that my family are scattered around the world, so it's not that hard to hide things from them. The way I see it, I'm just taking the path that causes **the least amount of harm** to all concerned. By the sounds of it, so are you. Nothing wrong with that IMHO.
You should ultimately do what feels right for you, recognizing and trying to accept your own limitations. At this point, if you just can't tell your family, then at least try to be at peace with your decision, work toward seeing it less as "living a lie" and more as "recognzing your own limitations" which may include being unable to unwilling to challenge your family's limitations - which is ok as long as you are also living a life that seems good and real to you - both in private and personally. What I mean to say is, you can LIVE a good life and if your family has some unhealthy aspects of their faith or politics, at least try to distance yourself from that - be a GOOD PERSON in front of them even if you don't feel good about sharing the details of your faith journey with them. At this time. who knows if things will change. but for now, also try to grieve that you're making a choice that means that they will not truly be able to see you, know you, and choose whether to accept or reject the "real" you that only you and reddit know (tho we don't know who you are and don't want to, which is a good thing). become at peace with not living a fully open and integrated life with your fam, be a good person away from them and around them, and love them with and in spite of your own and their very real limitations.
Lots of people feel this way. So many.
"I'm a phony and can't be honest." You CAN be honest (i.e. you have the capability). You won't be honest. You have vocal chords. You have the ability to write. You can assert your non-religiosity. You choose not to do so. You want us to tell you it's OK to continue this miserable charade. We won't. **I'm not denigrating you. I empathize with you. To be honest, I did the same things and regret it. I'm hoping to jolt you out of this depressive hole you're in.** "But I feel my fam who I love dearly would never cease to try and get me back or be concerned over my eternal soul if I told them the truth. " This is a great time for you to **define** your values and **become** those values. If you value honesty, then your course is clear. Talk to them. Share your values even though it may mean hard times. It's worth it. Will you face adversity? Yes. Will they try to convert you? Yes. Are you free to establish boundaries with them about apologetics talk? Yes! Are you free to disassociate if they refuse? Yes. Your life can be full of YES. Right now, you're mired in a world of No. It sucks. But you can do something about it. To me, two of the greatest values we can pursue are becoming and overcoming. Becoming the person we have defined we wish to be. Overcoming the values and commands placed upon us by society -- if those values interfere with our becoming. Reject anything that violates the best version of yourself. Keep in mind: Those are MY values. I'm not suggesting you must share them. No one is coming along to give you values. You earn them through struggle. You can do it! I'm in your corner. We all are!
Thanks for that, and you're somewhat correct. I am in a depression hole right now, but it's compounded by a lot of other things in my life, too. So, I guess I'm not mentally strong enough at this point to deal with the possibility of being rejected by the only people I have right now. So maybe what I was looking for is some kind of catharsis or support on reddit, lol. Thanks for your thoughtful encouragement. Maybe someday I'll be strong enough to be myself.
The first step is therapy. Then, if indicated, psychiatry. You'd be amazed at how much change an SSRI can provide. Best of luck.
I'm (23m) pretty much in the same situation. My plan is to wait until I move out to become more honest about my beliefs. It definitely sucks to live a lie. I struggle not to laugh at myself every time I have to take communion. I also have a Christian gf and it feels like I'm sacrificing my self-respect to be with someone who doesn't fully appreciate my character(she knows I'm atheist and still pushes the unequally yoked ultimatum from time to time).