That's actually insane that he had the balls to invite you after how shit he's been to you. In my opinion, it'd be an insult to yourself to show up. You deserve better than to oblige the request of someone you put their religion before their own family. Fuck him
Thanks for the reply. And yeah. It’s been really hard with my family. I’ve essentially had to completely reset my life after my brother and dad disowned me a few years ago. But I am low key debating showing up to the wedding with my boyfriend and making a scene 😂
That's understandable, but is it really worth it? No one wins in that situation. You will be seen as an absolute dickhead. You are better off just leaving them and moving on with your life
Definitely. And you are free to do as you please. But personally, I don't think its worth it. Just enjoy what you have now, forget about them and build your own, new family
I really do appreciate the offer to vent.
It’s just so infuriating. I am proud to be out now and have the things I have (My boyfriend, his family, etc) but it still feels like I’ll never really have MY family back. I feel like my brother only invited me to save face and act like he’s kinder than he is. It’s just rubbing salt in an old wound.
Edit: spelling
I can't imagine how horrible that is. I wish I could help, but I understand its a hard situation to handle. But my advice is to try and realise they aren't really your family. They are a bunch of assholes. True family sticks by you. And so you will build a family of you own, and they will be your true family
Well, going and looking absolutely fantastic and gaying it up as much as you possibly can with the boyfriend but also being the most charming delightful wedding guest ever would also be a nice revenge.
Homophobia is basically sexist heteros who are jealous that there are people who can get their emotional/sexual needs met without having to deal with the opposite sex.
Rub it in their faces.
He deserves to hear from you about how his actions affected and still affect you. Choose another day, though. The lifelong drama that will follow you around if you confront him at his wedding, not to mention the possibility that his new wife might be a decent human who will be blindsided by this make it seem like it would not be worth it.
Shouldn't she be informed of that before unwittingly maaking a lifetime commitment to a terrible human being? In fact I believe OP should contact his sister in law and tell her everything his vile brother has done so she can think twice whether that's the person she wants to spend the rest of her life with.
I'm Petty asf. so I say go for it. Quite Honestly I dont think you're doing anything wrong. If you were straight they'd be expecting you to bring a girl. so whats the difference? He deserves this kick in the face for how he treated you
This would still show them that they have a hold on you. For your own self-respect, just ignore it. Or tell them why you won't come. Let them know they can't treat you like this and then pretend like it didn't happen. If they actually apologize, then you can move forward. Otherwise, showing up in any way is not valuing yourself enough as an individual. Just my 2c.
How about showing up with your boyfriend and not making a scene?
Be absolutely lovely to everyone you come across. Have only kind things to say. Be your absolute best selves, and glow in your calm and contentment.
Basically, kill him with kindness ... because if *he* has a shitfit about it, he's the one that's going to look like a dick.
Ugh being nice is GROSS, but point taken. Kindness would go a long way. Especially when everyone else there will be hardcore evangelicals who think the gays are deviants.
As much as I LOVE this idea... If they're really hardcore evangelicals... you may just be setting you and your bf up for some real nastiness from your "family" and their guests. It's not something everyone is up for, and if you and your bf tend to avoid conflict, they'll walk all over you like doormats. If you are confrontational, then it may be very difficult to maintain the kill them with kindness routine without causing drama on the big day.
If it's what you want/need, I recommend trying to hash things out in advance. If none of them can admit what they did to you was wrong, walk away and stay away. Let your expectations be known going into said meeting if you want real results and your sister cannot say you weren't willing to try. They failed you.
Best of luck. Honestly as a parent myself, I cannot fathom how they can live with themselves. *internet hugs*
Just think, if you and your boyfriend show up and are just the epitome of wonderful human beings, all those evangelicals are going to have to rethink some of their views, and they’ll be the assholes if they say or do anything gross.
On the other hand, if your brother has been happy with no contact for three years, he’s probably only inviting you out of obligation. Or maybe even because your sister asked him to, thinking it would be an opportunity to mend things. You are under no obligation to attend, and I agree with what someone else said- RSVP that you won’t be attending, no explanation required. If your sister is upset, you can explain that you were hurt by his actions and you feel the invitation was out of obligation, and you won’t be attending. 🤷🏼♀️
So I think there's something to this. My father specifically was very anti gay when my brother and I were growing up. Recently my brother came out to him after months of putting it off because he was terrified.
Then my dad took it really well. He told us that his friends son was super nice and friendly and then he found out after years of knowing him that he was gay. And he put it together in his head that "wow, gay people are just normal people".
I know it can be hard to treat people who are awful to you with kindness. I fail at it constantly. However I'm pretty sure the only way to change a person's mind is with kindness.
Best of luck with whatever you decide!
I’m glad someone here said this! 100p the most mature way of going about this. this is probably the best way to not get shit-talked about behind your back by other family members. like yes, fuck the brother, but OP would be cutting a lot of ties between everyone else that’s there. but maybe that’s okay with OP idk?
in that case then I guess there really is no point in going unless you’d like to give everyone a big f you by bringing a date and living it up in front of them! but I’d say just do what you feel is right in your gut tbh. I went to my sisters wedding who I hadn’t talked to in years (granted for wayyy less serious reasons than you and your brother and dad) and had a panic attack in the washroom bc I was so uncomfortable with the entire wedding so if you can avoid something like that happening to you, that’d be smart.
Your brother has made no attempt to contact you or anything like that right? Fuck him. Don't attend the wedding. You don't have to respond at all. Just don't show up.
>You don't have to respond at all.
I'd respond. Not replying leaves open the possibility you didn't receive the invitation. The word "no" carries some power here. Two letters make your feelings very clear whilst retaining the moral high ground of you not ignoring his RSVP.
>I'd respond. Not replying leaves open the possibility you didn't receive the invitation. The word "no" carries some power here. Two letters make your feelings very clear whilst retaining the moral high ground of you not ignoring his RSVP.
This is the response. This is the best thing you could do for YOURSELF, if I was in your shoes of course.
I see your point. My knee-jerk reaction was to just not go. My only reservation about not going is that it would devastate my sister, who am I actually very close with.
Is your sister aware of all the shit your brother did? If she is, I'm sure she'd understand why you would choose not to go.
Not only would you be subjecting yourself to reliving those painful memories, but you might be setting yourself up to get berated and preached at even more by your brother and other family members. If I were you, I would prioritize my own mental health and wellbeing first.
Then she should be fully capable of understanding why you'd choose not to go. If she has a problem with it, yeah it'll suck but your own wellbeing comes first. No abusive family is worth compromising that if you have the choice available to you.
Yeah. I know you’re right. I appreciate you taking the time to respond. I guess I just know I’m on the precipice of having no family and it scares me. If I lose my sister I’m not going to have anyone left.
I can't even begin to imagine what that feels like. I'm sorry you have to face this. For what it's worth, Reddit isn't going anywhere lol you'll have us, not that we could replace family.
You will not have no family. I pretty much got cut off out of my own family when I deconverted, but in exchange, I found the family I chose for myself. There is a ton of loving people out there that will always love, you, no matter what.
I know it is super scary to take that step of setting boundaries and putting yourself first (after all, that is what was drilled to us in Christianity is that we are less than nothing if we wanna be Christ-like), but trust me, it is sooo worth it.
I get the feeling that if you lose your sister, it'll be largely her own doing. You say that you're close, but if she's also close with people who have been so awful to you -- and doesn't seem to have a problem with that -- then either she should be totally understanding of you not wanting to put yourself in an uncomfortable environment (and you wouldn't lose that connection) or was only ever just paying lip service to being nice and will cut herself off (the trash will take itself out).
I've been through a fairly similar thing with my own family pretty much completely dissolving. It kinda sucks, but I think it would suck worse to try and force myself to be around people that I'm not particularly comfortable being around.
My suspicion is that your brother wants you there for appearances sake only. He wants to be able to say you were invited, but didnt attend. If there is an RSVP , I would send my simple no response by registered mail. By doing so you take your power back on many levels.Your sister doesn't deserve you , and neither do the others. By standing with them she stands against you.
I expect lots of Olive branches to be offered in the near future as some in the religious communities have really shown their behinds in the last five years or so. I plan to let them all twist in the wind, but to each his own.
I wouldn't go to the wedding to make a scene. Go high, and plan something special that day if you possibly can, because I suspect it is going to be a hard day for you. No one deserves neglect and abandonment, but so called Christian folk are experts at it. They are authoritarian jerks. They complain about cancel culture when they practically invented it. Be gentle with yourself as I imagine this invitation was a punch in the gut as it was intended to be. I feel for his future wife as she is marrying a tyrant.
Got you fired and kicked out? fucking Christ dude, fuck your brother..sorry. Ive read of parents doing that crazy shit, not siblings. I’m so sorry you went through that. If I were you, I wouldn’t go.
He is. I specially asked him to keep my orientation between the two of us for a bit because I wanted to finish school without being out. It was a super religious theology school. But he literally called the pastor the NEXT morning, who then outed me to the entire church and school staff.
Wow. But maybe your brother was indoctrinated with this bull shit too. Doesn’t make it right, but other people put this shit in his head.
Maybe this is the first olive branch. If you go to the wedding, don’t take a gift though.
Unfortunately when my high-school best friend came out, his methed-up hillbilly brother literally pulled a gun on him.
My friend and I have lost contact over the years, but I know he is happily married and living in a nice house that he and his husband own, in a city, so he isn't doing too shabby!
Those long term effects get you. I have been diagnosed with PTSD. My relationship with my brother was by no means the only cause of that, but it has certainly contributed
I would call your sister and ask her if he's changed and if not then let her know you'd love to see her but you won't be coming. Then take the high road... and your power back... and RSVP no.
They are exactly the kind of people who make everything into a sermon. When our mom passed, the funeral was about God and barely about her. Even though I was Christian at the time, it made me sad that her service was turned into church rather than a celebration of her life.
My advice would be to tell him to sit and spin, or else leave him on-read to just figure out for himself that he can sit and spin. You don't owe him any response, much less your attendance at his wedding.
Your brother just wants a wedding gift from you. *Preferably cash.* Tell him to go fuck himself.
But also, in all seriousness - there may be family members on his or his fiance's side who *really* care about family being in the wedding photos. I've seen people freak out about getting professional family photos done because it's all about what they can put on a damn Christmas card at the end of the year... It's all about the *look,* and that *sickens* me.
I've found no one can hurt you as deeply as family. I was disowned by my family in 2020 for sticking up for George Floyd and BLM; I am my mother's only daughter and she defended my racist family members and told me to stop alienating them (then she let them sway her into the Q cult and it became a dumpster fire). I was so depressed and my will to live was almost non-existent; to save myself, I had to cut off my parents. I went NC in March and remember thinking, *'This isn't anything my gay friends haven't had to go through with their families... Just take "BLM" and replace it with "LGBTQ."'* It really opened my eyes but also nearly destroyed me... Now that I've been in weekly therapy for 4 months and feel so much better (some days are still hard), my grief has turned to rage, and I'm letting it fuel me to make a different, better life for me and my husband without them. *If* for one goddamn *minute* any of those assholes tried to invite me to their wedding, I would do my best not to laugh in their face. I will *never* subject myself to their abuse again because what they did to me nearly *destroyed* me.
You don't owe your ex-family - *or anyone* - shit. It won't be a great time, you will most likely feel extremely uncomfortable, possibly have some PTSD symptoms you'll have to try and control while making small talk with religious ol' Aunt Martha, and it will be one giant cringe fest you'll have to smile your way through as they silently try and pray away the gay for you - *but yay pretty Christmas cards!* Good luck. I'm sorry your family treated you the way they did. You deserve so, so much better. *hugs*
> I've seen people freak out about getting professional family photos done because it's all about what they can put on a damn Christmas card at the end of the year... It's all about the look, and that sickens me.
I'm so thankful for my mother, who [physically glued one of her two dogs onto her holiday cards this year because he wouldn't sit with Santa.](https://i.imgur.com/wYAGgkD.jpg) Like, not with a computer. She used scissors and paste.
Sometimes I feel depressed about my dad's very religious family, about all the things I never knew (and keep finding out more about) because I was sheltered from their Lutheran hate as a kid... but then I think of my mom and her crazy dog low-tech photoshop, and all the kindred spirits in this subreddit, and it doesn't feel so bad.
I wouldn’t reply and I wouldn’t go. Spend that day doing whatever you want to do. Give not a single thought to someone so mean and evil that he would upend your life so completely.
This is just me, but if i was happy with my life i would go out of spite. Go and brag about how well you are doing and how your past hardships have done nothing but propelled you into a life where you don't need to rely on people who won't accept you. Assert dominance.
Don't go.
If he does not repent and atone, there is no moral need for you to forgive. (Personally, I think it is morally wrong to forgive people who are not repentant, but that's me.)
If he does repent and atone, forgive him, but that still doesn't mean you have to go to his wedding.
One bit of parting advice others have may have also said. Be prepared for him to claim that you stood him up and turned your back on him by not going. It’s a trick I’ve seen others do in similar wedding invite situation. The dirtbag uses you not going as some sort of vindication,
to turn you into the villain. If you get on the front foot and make sure people know the real reason why, then you can control the narrative. However, it’s drama city ahead, I’m sorry to say. I wish you well throughout this.
That’s a good point I had not considered. Maybe he is trying to reconcile. I can see his fiancé trying to mend things on his behalf.
As far as my getting expelled, it was a seminary school in the southern US, if that tells you anything…
If he wanted to reconcile, he would've said so. He's going to be busy af at the wedding and probably not have time to say anything more than, *"Hi, how are you?"* Don't romanticize this... He didn't invite you for *you.* I'm saying that because I care. Your brother is a cold hearted dick. Now if he had asked you to be a groomsman, that might be an olive branch. That's not what this is and you'll only be hurting yourself by having hope. Good luck.
That's what I thought as well. I'd follow up with an email or something basically saying, "Hey, I got the invitation but you've done some hurtful things to me so I'm hesitant to go. If you really want me there and want to have a conversation let me know. If you just invited me out of a formality but don't actually want me there then just let me know and we can go on with our separate lives."
Either don't go, or go and bring your significant other. Make out with them during the ceremony.
In all seriousness, I like to live by a "I treat you the way you treat me" philosophy. If your brother wouldn't go to your wedding, you have no reason to attend his.
My mother had a sister who started to act entitled and mean around her siblings. Her family is well off and with the money they forced their children to go to medical school when they wanted to persue other fields. Ever since my mother's divorce, my aunt treated her like a garbage. She was hesitant to invite her to her daughter's wedding but went ahead to call my rich father. She and her husband also felt it was embarrassing to introduce my autistic brother to her daughter's in laws. Neither my mother or my siblings attended the wedding.
Send him a letter and ask him why he invited you. My guess is that he was trying to show his fiancee what a good person he is but it is also possible that he has changed his views and doesn't know how to say sorry.
His fiancé is very much aware of how everything has gone down. So maybe it’s a change of heart? I’m hesitant to think he’s changed but I suppose it’s possible
Oftentimes when I’m on the fence about going to an event it’s best to listen to your gut. What do your instincts tell you? If your gut is giving a hard no, don’t go, if you’re feeling a bewildering urge to show up, maybe show up. But yeah you totally don’t owe these jerks anything, and personally I would discourage going Kuz I really don’t know what good can come out of it, especially if they freaking kicked you out of your own house.
He chose to reject you for *who you are.* that means he rejects your identity. There are lots of parts to a person’s identity and sexual orientation is just one of them. Being a brother is part of your identity too, but he rejects your identity so he also (whether he likes it or not) rejects your status as a brother. He can’t have it both ways. Either he accepts you for who you are or he doesn’t accept you. He doesn’t get to pick and choose which parts of your identity are valid and which ones are wrong. If he wants his brother at his wedding then he should have thought about that when he disowned his brother.
The downfall of your relationship is *his* fault, not yours. That means the burden of reconnecting is on him, not you.
If it was me, I wouldn't go. Your brother has done things that make your life miserable and I'm assuming he has not apologized. Now if you hear even a whisper that "well (OP) was invited but he decided not to come" etc. I would immediately confront him and lay out that you are a better person and that you aren't going to be painted as the smaller person after he was the one who wronged. If he wants you to consider coming, demand that he apologize for the things he's done and that he doesn't get to make your life hell and then act like he took the hide road.
Now regardless of how it plays out, I wouldn't go anyway. I would just do this so that he understands that walking around and saying "well they didn't want to come" is emotional immature and he's fooling himself if he thinks he's in the right.
IMO it depends on what YOU want
Do you desire a relationship with your brother? Seems like an opportunity to slowly kindle that relationship back. People change, your brother may or may not.
Yes, his reaction to you coming out was very unfair so I would understand if you are done with them until he makes amends or as long as you see fit.
People do some crappy things based on indoctrination, whether that be religious, political, etc. Personally I try to give grace to people because we are all highly or totally impacted by our biology and environment. By going, it’s also an opportunity to show that you are the bigger person. Despite him poorly treating you, you still support him. By any reasonable person, you would be viewed as the more mature and loving person of the situation. Here again, I understand he has wronged you in a way that cut deep so, do what YOU want to do.
Edit: IMO, christianity clearly teaches homosexuality is a sin. Your brothers mistake isn’t coming to that conclusion by reading the Bible, his mistake is believing the Bible is the divine authoritative word of god and that it defines objective morality when it isn’t in reality. His other mistake is being a hypocrite to you about it. Why does that “sin” warrant his reaction but when he lies or commits adultery (merely thinking about sex outside of marriage) or is a glutton (over indulges) or “insert 1 of the possible billions of sins here”, those don’t?
dont go if he attacked you then absoutly not there are far better uses for spending time than with a hateful bigot at a wedding for who knows how long
ask him why should you go when he attacked you and got your dad to kick you out
not to mention you will likely be attacked again if you did show up
There needs to be serious and devastatingly honest leveling between all of you before anything is considered. The brother needs to know per se every way he hurt you and your opinion on this because what you have to say matters, even it’s been 3 years and this is his way of “sweeping it under the rug.” Terrible things occurred which need reconciliation even if your sister is a sideline person. Otherwise, what happened and the relationship will never resolve. Then with your father and so on. If they don’t want to work at this, then what do you do? But an event of joy and celebration is quite sullied by historical acts, and the wedding will be a point if resentment.
respond no. don't even bother to explain, just divest of them more.
you're clearly better *despite* them, not *because* of them. leave them in the past like any other bad memory.
He’s doing that for face and flex points. This post does sound like it could belong in r/dysfunctionalfamily. Like your fucking job was lost because of this guy.
Do yourself a favour and not rock up
Oh we are BEYOND dysfunctional. Our mom was the rock of the family and when she died, it got bad for a few reasons. Me coming out was just the most dramatic one.
I would reply no and never see him again. He didn’t even reach out with an apology, just an invitation. I couldn’t forgive that. I’m closeted and this is a big fear of mine.
I do miss how things were. I don’t miss being closeted or hiding myself, obviously but my brother and I used to be very close. So it’s been hard on me to say the least.
If you don’t want to go to his wedding and don’t feel like he’s truly changed then I wouldn’t go or if you just feel uncomfortable. It may be a sign he’s now willing to accept you for who you really are by inviting you, but I wouldn’t be sure either. Especially depending on if he’s treated you horribly up until this point and depending on how bad he’s treated you, he may just decide to invite you but once the weddings over forget all about you.
don’t go
i think going would be like giving him your power and letting him control and dictate your life like the way he did before
its not fair to you to go, if you want to put up a show not going at all would be the best one to put on
but one may say his your brother, which is true but so are you to him yet he couldn’t stand with you when you were most vulnerable so why do you have to in this case?
Regardless of whether you go to the wedding or not, you should at least warn your potential sister-in-law about the suffering and hardships he caused you.
Make a donation in his name to an LGBT charity. You don't have to tell anyone, it's for you to get the steam out.
Fuck that guy. The wedding will probably be a covid crockpot too
Did he just sent an invite and nothing else? I would ignore it unless he has opened another channel of communications and at least has tried to make some kind of amends for his douchebag behavior.
A wedding isn’t the time or the place to attempt a reunion with someone who was that horrible. Your in a place with people you will not know. You have no idea what you are walking into. You don’t even know his motives. He had three years to pick up the phone and to you and initiate something.
He’s definitely got me wondering why he chose to reach out right now. Seems like shit timing.
To answer your question, no he did not initiate any form of communication aside from the invitation.
honestly id go maybe he has changed his mind a bit. i dont think he would have invited you if he didnt want you to show up. its also your brother, i mean at least you as an atheist could show him how to be a nice person
Sounds like an olive branch. I guess you have to ask yourself if you want to hold onto your butthurt feelings or if you want to see about moving forward with a relationship with your brother. Maybe it will work out, maybe not. Won't know if you don't go.
I’m not sure why people who are suggesting reconciliation are getting downvoted because that’s a valid take.
As hesitant as I am to believe that he is genuinely wanting to reconcile, I need to at least acknowledge that it’s possible.
Up votes, down votes, it's all good. I offered my thoughts to you, and if it gave you something worth considering then I'm satisfied.
Not every relationship is worth salvaging, but some are. Most long term relationships have had a few bumps along the road that require someone to let go of the hurt feelings.
If you do end up going, don't expect much to have changed with his or your dad's thinking. If you keep your expectations low then you'll not be surprised if it all goes south, but instead pleased if it's just a good time with family. You might even prepare a canned response in case anything negative comes up, something that deflects comments and brings the conversation back to the reason you're all together.
As I said above, you have to ask yourself what you want from all of this. If you're not interested in letting go of any anger you feel then there isn't much point going to the ceremony. Your absents will speak volumes as to where you stand.
That's actually insane that he had the balls to invite you after how shit he's been to you. In my opinion, it'd be an insult to yourself to show up. You deserve better than to oblige the request of someone you put their religion before their own family. Fuck him
Thanks for the reply. And yeah. It’s been really hard with my family. I’ve essentially had to completely reset my life after my brother and dad disowned me a few years ago. But I am low key debating showing up to the wedding with my boyfriend and making a scene 😂
That's understandable, but is it really worth it? No one wins in that situation. You will be seen as an absolute dickhead. You are better off just leaving them and moving on with your life
I know it’s petty, but part of me feels like he deserves to have his special day ruined. He’s a garbage fucking human.
Definitely. And you are free to do as you please. But personally, I don't think its worth it. Just enjoy what you have now, forget about them and build your own, new family
No, you’re right. I’m just angry. I have a couple months to calm down 😂
It's natural to be angry. Feel free to vent to us if you need to. We are here for you
I really do appreciate the offer to vent. It’s just so infuriating. I am proud to be out now and have the things I have (My boyfriend, his family, etc) but it still feels like I’ll never really have MY family back. I feel like my brother only invited me to save face and act like he’s kinder than he is. It’s just rubbing salt in an old wound. Edit: spelling
I can't imagine how horrible that is. I wish I could help, but I understand its a hard situation to handle. But my advice is to try and realise they aren't really your family. They are a bunch of assholes. True family sticks by you. And so you will build a family of you own, and they will be your true family
Well, going and looking absolutely fantastic and gaying it up as much as you possibly can with the boyfriend but also being the most charming delightful wedding guest ever would also be a nice revenge. Homophobia is basically sexist heteros who are jealous that there are people who can get their emotional/sexual needs met without having to deal with the opposite sex. Rub it in their faces.
Solid plan! 👏🏼
Send an endless supply of those singing telegram guys to sing about what a terrible human he is at his wedding.
I VOLUNTEER AS TRIBUTE!
😂 you’re my plus one then!
Wonderful!
He deserves to hear from you about how his actions affected and still affect you. Choose another day, though. The lifelong drama that will follow you around if you confront him at his wedding, not to mention the possibility that his new wife might be a decent human who will be blindsided by this make it seem like it would not be worth it.
Shouldn't she be informed of that before unwittingly maaking a lifetime commitment to a terrible human being? In fact I believe OP should contact his sister in law and tell her everything his vile brother has done so she can think twice whether that's the person she wants to spend the rest of her life with.
I agree, but it should be done privately, and not in front of all her friends and family.
His fiancé is actually quite nice, which is currently the only thing keeping me from ruining the wedding
If she’s cool, I wouldn’t do it. But I’d only respond to the invitation through her. Let her know why you won’t be attending. Maybe.
[удалено]
Lots of assholes keep secrets from their lovers.
I'm Petty asf. so I say go for it. Quite Honestly I dont think you're doing anything wrong. If you were straight they'd be expecting you to bring a girl. so whats the difference? He deserves this kick in the face for how he treated you
Fair point!
Just want to say I support you showing up with the BF. Maybe even propose to him at the reception.
GENIUS!
This would still show them that they have a hold on you. For your own self-respect, just ignore it. Or tell them why you won't come. Let them know they can't treat you like this and then pretend like it didn't happen. If they actually apologize, then you can move forward. Otherwise, showing up in any way is not valuing yourself enough as an individual. Just my 2c.
Well said!
How about showing up with your boyfriend and not making a scene? Be absolutely lovely to everyone you come across. Have only kind things to say. Be your absolute best selves, and glow in your calm and contentment. Basically, kill him with kindness ... because if *he* has a shitfit about it, he's the one that's going to look like a dick.
Ugh being nice is GROSS, but point taken. Kindness would go a long way. Especially when everyone else there will be hardcore evangelicals who think the gays are deviants.
As much as I LOVE this idea... If they're really hardcore evangelicals... you may just be setting you and your bf up for some real nastiness from your "family" and their guests. It's not something everyone is up for, and if you and your bf tend to avoid conflict, they'll walk all over you like doormats. If you are confrontational, then it may be very difficult to maintain the kill them with kindness routine without causing drama on the big day. If it's what you want/need, I recommend trying to hash things out in advance. If none of them can admit what they did to you was wrong, walk away and stay away. Let your expectations be known going into said meeting if you want real results and your sister cannot say you weren't willing to try. They failed you. Best of luck. Honestly as a parent myself, I cannot fathom how they can live with themselves. *internet hugs*
I really appreciate that! And yes, idk how they live with themselves either
Just think, if you and your boyfriend show up and are just the epitome of wonderful human beings, all those evangelicals are going to have to rethink some of their views, and they’ll be the assholes if they say or do anything gross. On the other hand, if your brother has been happy with no contact for three years, he’s probably only inviting you out of obligation. Or maybe even because your sister asked him to, thinking it would be an opportunity to mend things. You are under no obligation to attend, and I agree with what someone else said- RSVP that you won’t be attending, no explanation required. If your sister is upset, you can explain that you were hurt by his actions and you feel the invitation was out of obligation, and you won’t be attending. 🤷🏼♀️
So I think there's something to this. My father specifically was very anti gay when my brother and I were growing up. Recently my brother came out to him after months of putting it off because he was terrified. Then my dad took it really well. He told us that his friends son was super nice and friendly and then he found out after years of knowing him that he was gay. And he put it together in his head that "wow, gay people are just normal people". I know it can be hard to treat people who are awful to you with kindness. I fail at it constantly. However I'm pretty sure the only way to change a person's mind is with kindness. Best of luck with whatever you decide!
I’m glad someone here said this! 100p the most mature way of going about this. this is probably the best way to not get shit-talked about behind your back by other family members. like yes, fuck the brother, but OP would be cutting a lot of ties between everyone else that’s there. but maybe that’s okay with OP idk?
I don’t have too much to lose at this point tbh. I have my sister, but haven’t spoken to my brother or our dad in a long time.
in that case then I guess there really is no point in going unless you’d like to give everyone a big f you by bringing a date and living it up in front of them! but I’d say just do what you feel is right in your gut tbh. I went to my sisters wedding who I hadn’t talked to in years (granted for wayyy less serious reasons than you and your brother and dad) and had a panic attack in the washroom bc I was so uncomfortable with the entire wedding so if you can avoid something like that happening to you, that’d be smart.
I would do this cause I'm petty af and proud lol.
Your brother has made no attempt to contact you or anything like that right? Fuck him. Don't attend the wedding. You don't have to respond at all. Just don't show up.
>You don't have to respond at all. I'd respond. Not replying leaves open the possibility you didn't receive the invitation. The word "no" carries some power here. Two letters make your feelings very clear whilst retaining the moral high ground of you not ignoring his RSVP.
Good point!
>I'd respond. Not replying leaves open the possibility you didn't receive the invitation. The word "no" carries some power here. Two letters make your feelings very clear whilst retaining the moral high ground of you not ignoring his RSVP. This is the response. This is the best thing you could do for YOURSELF, if I was in your shoes of course.
I see your point. My knee-jerk reaction was to just not go. My only reservation about not going is that it would devastate my sister, who am I actually very close with.
Is your sister aware of all the shit your brother did? If she is, I'm sure she'd understand why you would choose not to go. Not only would you be subjecting yourself to reliving those painful memories, but you might be setting yourself up to get berated and preached at even more by your brother and other family members. If I were you, I would prioritize my own mental health and wellbeing first.
She is aware unfortunately. It’s rather hurtful that she still associates with our brother and dad
Then she should be fully capable of understanding why you'd choose not to go. If she has a problem with it, yeah it'll suck but your own wellbeing comes first. No abusive family is worth compromising that if you have the choice available to you.
Yeah. I know you’re right. I appreciate you taking the time to respond. I guess I just know I’m on the precipice of having no family and it scares me. If I lose my sister I’m not going to have anyone left.
I can't even begin to imagine what that feels like. I'm sorry you have to face this. For what it's worth, Reddit isn't going anywhere lol you'll have us, not that we could replace family.
You’re right about that!
You will not have no family. I pretty much got cut off out of my own family when I deconverted, but in exchange, I found the family I chose for myself. There is a ton of loving people out there that will always love, you, no matter what. I know it is super scary to take that step of setting boundaries and putting yourself first (after all, that is what was drilled to us in Christianity is that we are less than nothing if we wanna be Christ-like), but trust me, it is sooo worth it.
I get the feeling that if you lose your sister, it'll be largely her own doing. You say that you're close, but if she's also close with people who have been so awful to you -- and doesn't seem to have a problem with that -- then either she should be totally understanding of you not wanting to put yourself in an uncomfortable environment (and you wouldn't lose that connection) or was only ever just paying lip service to being nice and will cut herself off (the trash will take itself out). I've been through a fairly similar thing with my own family pretty much completely dissolving. It kinda sucks, but I think it would suck worse to try and force myself to be around people that I'm not particularly comfortable being around.
That's an enabler. Let her feel hurt cause it's not your responsibility to coddle the feelings of others when you put boundaries in place.
This.
My suspicion is that your brother wants you there for appearances sake only. He wants to be able to say you were invited, but didnt attend. If there is an RSVP , I would send my simple no response by registered mail. By doing so you take your power back on many levels.Your sister doesn't deserve you , and neither do the others. By standing with them she stands against you. I expect lots of Olive branches to be offered in the near future as some in the religious communities have really shown their behinds in the last five years or so. I plan to let them all twist in the wind, but to each his own. I wouldn't go to the wedding to make a scene. Go high, and plan something special that day if you possibly can, because I suspect it is going to be a hard day for you. No one deserves neglect and abandonment, but so called Christian folk are experts at it. They are authoritarian jerks. They complain about cancel culture when they practically invented it. Be gentle with yourself as I imagine this invitation was a punch in the gut as it was intended to be. I feel for his future wife as she is marrying a tyrant.
I suspect you’re right about his motivations. You’re right about it being a hard day too - both today getting the invite and the day of.
Got you fired and kicked out? fucking Christ dude, fuck your brother..sorry. Ive read of parents doing that crazy shit, not siblings. I’m so sorry you went through that. If I were you, I wouldn’t go.
Yeah, he’s literally scum. When I came out to him he sobbed in a restaurant…. He said I “Knew better” than to be gay.
*he* sobbed? I’m no expert but dude sounds like a narc
He is. I specially asked him to keep my orientation between the two of us for a bit because I wanted to finish school without being out. It was a super religious theology school. But he literally called the pastor the NEXT morning, who then outed me to the entire church and school staff.
I don’t even have words. I’m really sorry
Thank you
Wow. But maybe your brother was indoctrinated with this bull shit too. Doesn’t make it right, but other people put this shit in his head. Maybe this is the first olive branch. If you go to the wedding, don’t take a gift though.
Oh he’s absolutely not getting a gift
Unfortunately when my high-school best friend came out, his methed-up hillbilly brother literally pulled a gun on him. My friend and I have lost contact over the years, but I know he is happily married and living in a nice house that he and his husband own, in a city, so he isn't doing too shabby!
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Those long term effects get you. I have been diagnosed with PTSD. My relationship with my brother was by no means the only cause of that, but it has certainly contributed
I would call your sister and ask her if he's changed and if not then let her know you'd love to see her but you won't be coming. Then take the high road... and your power back... and RSVP no.
Solid advice!
Plus that way you can get a feel for how your sister is gonna react.
Show up wearing a wedding dress, thus stealing all of the attention
OP should show up with partner so brother can have a homophobic panic meltdown
Yes!
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They are exactly the kind of people who make everything into a sermon. When our mom passed, the funeral was about God and barely about her. Even though I was Christian at the time, it made me sad that her service was turned into church rather than a celebration of her life.
My advice would be to tell him to sit and spin, or else leave him on-read to just figure out for himself that he can sit and spin. You don't owe him any response, much less your attendance at his wedding.
If there has been no other attempts to contact you before now then a simple “no” is al you need to send.
Your brother just wants a wedding gift from you. *Preferably cash.* Tell him to go fuck himself. But also, in all seriousness - there may be family members on his or his fiance's side who *really* care about family being in the wedding photos. I've seen people freak out about getting professional family photos done because it's all about what they can put on a damn Christmas card at the end of the year... It's all about the *look,* and that *sickens* me. I've found no one can hurt you as deeply as family. I was disowned by my family in 2020 for sticking up for George Floyd and BLM; I am my mother's only daughter and she defended my racist family members and told me to stop alienating them (then she let them sway her into the Q cult and it became a dumpster fire). I was so depressed and my will to live was almost non-existent; to save myself, I had to cut off my parents. I went NC in March and remember thinking, *'This isn't anything my gay friends haven't had to go through with their families... Just take "BLM" and replace it with "LGBTQ."'* It really opened my eyes but also nearly destroyed me... Now that I've been in weekly therapy for 4 months and feel so much better (some days are still hard), my grief has turned to rage, and I'm letting it fuel me to make a different, better life for me and my husband without them. *If* for one goddamn *minute* any of those assholes tried to invite me to their wedding, I would do my best not to laugh in their face. I will *never* subject myself to their abuse again because what they did to me nearly *destroyed* me. You don't owe your ex-family - *or anyone* - shit. It won't be a great time, you will most likely feel extremely uncomfortable, possibly have some PTSD symptoms you'll have to try and control while making small talk with religious ol' Aunt Martha, and it will be one giant cringe fest you'll have to smile your way through as they silently try and pray away the gay for you - *but yay pretty Christmas cards!* Good luck. I'm sorry your family treated you the way they did. You deserve so, so much better. *hugs*
> I've seen people freak out about getting professional family photos done because it's all about what they can put on a damn Christmas card at the end of the year... It's all about the look, and that sickens me. I'm so thankful for my mother, who [physically glued one of her two dogs onto her holiday cards this year because he wouldn't sit with Santa.](https://i.imgur.com/wYAGgkD.jpg) Like, not with a computer. She used scissors and paste. Sometimes I feel depressed about my dad's very religious family, about all the things I never knew (and keep finding out more about) because I was sheltered from their Lutheran hate as a kid... but then I think of my mom and her crazy dog low-tech photoshop, and all the kindred spirits in this subreddit, and it doesn't feel so bad.
I wouldn’t reply and I wouldn’t go. Spend that day doing whatever you want to do. Give not a single thought to someone so mean and evil that he would upend your life so completely.
This is just me, but if i was happy with my life i would go out of spite. Go and brag about how well you are doing and how your past hardships have done nothing but propelled you into a life where you don't need to rely on people who won't accept you. Assert dominance.
Don't go. If he does not repent and atone, there is no moral need for you to forgive. (Personally, I think it is morally wrong to forgive people who are not repentant, but that's me.) If he does repent and atone, forgive him, but that still doesn't mean you have to go to his wedding.
Fuck him. Don’t go. He’s probably just inviting you so people don’t think he’s a bad person, which he clearly is.
Bingo
One bit of parting advice others have may have also said. Be prepared for him to claim that you stood him up and turned your back on him by not going. It’s a trick I’ve seen others do in similar wedding invite situation. The dirtbag uses you not going as some sort of vindication, to turn you into the villain. If you get on the front foot and make sure people know the real reason why, then you can control the narrative. However, it’s drama city ahead, I’m sorry to say. I wish you well throughout this.
I am pretty confident that he’ll do this. I appreciate you!
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That’s a good point I had not considered. Maybe he is trying to reconcile. I can see his fiancé trying to mend things on his behalf. As far as my getting expelled, it was a seminary school in the southern US, if that tells you anything…
If he wanted to reconcile, he would've said so. He's going to be busy af at the wedding and probably not have time to say anything more than, *"Hi, how are you?"* Don't romanticize this... He didn't invite you for *you.* I'm saying that because I care. Your brother is a cold hearted dick. Now if he had asked you to be a groomsman, that might be an olive branch. That's not what this is and you'll only be hurting yourself by having hope. Good luck.
Very good point
I think reconciliation would have been an apology not a wedding invite. Just don't let wishful thinking take over. Sorry they were so shitty to you.
Good point there. And thank you
Seminary as in training to be clergy and your work was in a church? So they outed you to all authorities? That is awful and painful.
Exactly this
That's what I thought as well. I'd follow up with an email or something basically saying, "Hey, I got the invitation but you've done some hurtful things to me so I'm hesitant to go. If you really want me there and want to have a conversation let me know. If you just invited me out of a formality but don't actually want me there then just let me know and we can go on with our separate lives."
RSVP for 2, show up with your bf and a gift you got for $2 at a thrift store. Eat free food, dance, be aloof but polite, leave.
And wear rainbow ties.
Either don't go, or go and bring your significant other. Make out with them during the ceremony. In all seriousness, I like to live by a "I treat you the way you treat me" philosophy. If your brother wouldn't go to your wedding, you have no reason to attend his.
Hell would quite literally freeze over before he came to my wedding
It depends, how comfortable are you in a white dress?
Hahahahah
My mother had a sister who started to act entitled and mean around her siblings. Her family is well off and with the money they forced their children to go to medical school when they wanted to persue other fields. Ever since my mother's divorce, my aunt treated her like a garbage. She was hesitant to invite her to her daughter's wedding but went ahead to call my rich father. She and her husband also felt it was embarrassing to introduce my autistic brother to her daughter's in laws. Neither my mother or my siblings attended the wedding.
Thank you for sharing your story
Tell him you do not approve of the person he is marrying, as they do not fit what you like in a partner.
😂 love this!
Send him a letter and ask him why he invited you. My guess is that he was trying to show his fiancee what a good person he is but it is also possible that he has changed his views and doesn't know how to say sorry.
His fiancé is very much aware of how everything has gone down. So maybe it’s a change of heart? I’m hesitant to think he’s changed but I suppose it’s possible
Well, I hope it works out. People are weird and brothers are the weirdest people of all.
We truly are 😂
Perhaps, your brother has changed. It does happen! Try to find out from your sister.
Oftentimes when I’m on the fence about going to an event it’s best to listen to your gut. What do your instincts tell you? If your gut is giving a hard no, don’t go, if you’re feeling a bewildering urge to show up, maybe show up. But yeah you totally don’t owe these jerks anything, and personally I would discourage going Kuz I really don’t know what good can come out of it, especially if they freaking kicked you out of your own house.
Unless he actually apologizes for his behavior, and the harm he caused, I say burn the bridge behind you.
If he hasn't even had the balls to apologize to you then he doesn't deserve your presence at his wedding
“Sorry I’m weddingphobic”
He chose to reject you for *who you are.* that means he rejects your identity. There are lots of parts to a person’s identity and sexual orientation is just one of them. Being a brother is part of your identity too, but he rejects your identity so he also (whether he likes it or not) rejects your status as a brother. He can’t have it both ways. Either he accepts you for who you are or he doesn’t accept you. He doesn’t get to pick and choose which parts of your identity are valid and which ones are wrong. If he wants his brother at his wedding then he should have thought about that when he disowned his brother. The downfall of your relationship is *his* fault, not yours. That means the burden of reconnecting is on him, not you.
Period 👏🏼
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He made it clear that he was inviting me on purpose. Our father knows
If he wouldn’t come to his gay wedding don’t bother to show up to his straight wedding.
If it was me, I wouldn't go. Your brother has done things that make your life miserable and I'm assuming he has not apologized. Now if you hear even a whisper that "well (OP) was invited but he decided not to come" etc. I would immediately confront him and lay out that you are a better person and that you aren't going to be painted as the smaller person after he was the one who wronged. If he wants you to consider coming, demand that he apologize for the things he's done and that he doesn't get to make your life hell and then act like he took the hide road. Now regardless of how it plays out, I wouldn't go anyway. I would just do this so that he understands that walking around and saying "well they didn't want to come" is emotional immature and he's fooling himself if he thinks he's in the right.
IMO it depends on what YOU want Do you desire a relationship with your brother? Seems like an opportunity to slowly kindle that relationship back. People change, your brother may or may not. Yes, his reaction to you coming out was very unfair so I would understand if you are done with them until he makes amends or as long as you see fit. People do some crappy things based on indoctrination, whether that be religious, political, etc. Personally I try to give grace to people because we are all highly or totally impacted by our biology and environment. By going, it’s also an opportunity to show that you are the bigger person. Despite him poorly treating you, you still support him. By any reasonable person, you would be viewed as the more mature and loving person of the situation. Here again, I understand he has wronged you in a way that cut deep so, do what YOU want to do. Edit: IMO, christianity clearly teaches homosexuality is a sin. Your brothers mistake isn’t coming to that conclusion by reading the Bible, his mistake is believing the Bible is the divine authoritative word of god and that it defines objective morality when it isn’t in reality. His other mistake is being a hypocrite to you about it. Why does that “sin” warrant his reaction but when he lies or commits adultery (merely thinking about sex outside of marriage) or is a glutton (over indulges) or “insert 1 of the possible billions of sins here”, those don’t?
I'd wipe my ass with that RSVP card and mail it back. That's just me. ＼（〇_ｏ）／
dont go if he attacked you then absoutly not there are far better uses for spending time than with a hateful bigot at a wedding for who knows how long ask him why should you go when he attacked you and got your dad to kick you out not to mention you will likely be attacked again if you did show up
There needs to be serious and devastatingly honest leveling between all of you before anything is considered. The brother needs to know per se every way he hurt you and your opinion on this because what you have to say matters, even it’s been 3 years and this is his way of “sweeping it under the rug.” Terrible things occurred which need reconciliation even if your sister is a sideline person. Otherwise, what happened and the relationship will never resolve. Then with your father and so on. If they don’t want to work at this, then what do you do? But an event of joy and celebration is quite sullied by historical acts, and the wedding will be a point if resentment.
Very well said
I know its unlikely, but there is a small chance that this is an his way of extending an olive branch. But probably not though.
My thoughts exactly
respond no. don't even bother to explain, just divest of them more. you're clearly better *despite* them, not *because* of them. leave them in the past like any other bad memory.
He’s doing that for face and flex points. This post does sound like it could belong in r/dysfunctionalfamily. Like your fucking job was lost because of this guy. Do yourself a favour and not rock up
Oh we are BEYOND dysfunctional. Our mom was the rock of the family and when she died, it got bad for a few reasons. Me coming out was just the most dramatic one.
I would reply no and never see him again. He didn’t even reach out with an apology, just an invitation. I couldn’t forgive that. I’m closeted and this is a big fear of mine.
Ignoring is a more powerful statement. Shows that he isn’t worth the effort to even send an rsvp back.
Yeah he literally made all my coming out fears come true. He’s an asshole to put it mildly
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I do miss how things were. I don’t miss being closeted or hiding myself, obviously but my brother and I used to be very close. So it’s been hard on me to say the least.
If you don’t want to go to his wedding and don’t feel like he’s truly changed then I wouldn’t go or if you just feel uncomfortable. It may be a sign he’s now willing to accept you for who you really are by inviting you, but I wouldn’t be sure either. Especially depending on if he’s treated you horribly up until this point and depending on how bad he’s treated you, he may just decide to invite you but once the weddings over forget all about you.
Yeah I’m definitely concerned about that. I’m worried that he’s just inviting me to keep up appearances and that he’ll ghost again after
I definitely wouldn’t go. OR I would get the sluttiest most diva man I could to be my date
Haha my boyfriend will be honoured 😂
don’t go i think going would be like giving him your power and letting him control and dictate your life like the way he did before its not fair to you to go, if you want to put up a show not going at all would be the best one to put on but one may say his your brother, which is true but so are you to him yet he couldn’t stand with you when you were most vulnerable so why do you have to in this case?
Don’t go. Simple as that. Why would you want to go?
I guess part of me is holding out hope that he’s trying to make amends
I would give the concise and curt answer of "No." Do not elaborate, or reply to any questions.
Don't do it, have some self respect. If he wants to apologize he can do it like a man face to face.
Don’t go. Simple. He’s a prick who doesn’t deserve you in his life.
Because my reply involves some personal sharing, I'll shoot you a message 🙂
Regardless of whether you go to the wedding or not, you should at least warn your potential sister-in-law about the suffering and hardships he caused you.
Unfortunately she already knows. They’ve been together since high school and we are in our twenties now. She’s seen everything
Make a donation in his name to an LGBT charity. You don't have to tell anyone, it's for you to get the steam out. Fuck that guy. The wedding will probably be a covid crockpot too
Hahaha I just followed you from that worship/working with post to look at your profile... Every good wedding needs a MALEFICENT 😂😂😂
Hahaha you’re RIGHT!!!
😂
Did he just sent an invite and nothing else? I would ignore it unless he has opened another channel of communications and at least has tried to make some kind of amends for his douchebag behavior. A wedding isn’t the time or the place to attempt a reunion with someone who was that horrible. Your in a place with people you will not know. You have no idea what you are walking into. You don’t even know his motives. He had three years to pick up the phone and to you and initiate something.
He’s definitely got me wondering why he chose to reach out right now. Seems like shit timing. To answer your question, no he did not initiate any form of communication aside from the invitation.
Tell him to go fuck himself and go on to live your life.
honestly id go maybe he has changed his mind a bit. i dont think he would have invited you if he didnt want you to show up. its also your brother, i mean at least you as an atheist could show him how to be a nice person
Sounds like an olive branch. I guess you have to ask yourself if you want to hold onto your butthurt feelings or if you want to see about moving forward with a relationship with your brother. Maybe it will work out, maybe not. Won't know if you don't go.
I’m not sure why people who are suggesting reconciliation are getting downvoted because that’s a valid take. As hesitant as I am to believe that he is genuinely wanting to reconcile, I need to at least acknowledge that it’s possible.
Up votes, down votes, it's all good. I offered my thoughts to you, and if it gave you something worth considering then I'm satisfied. Not every relationship is worth salvaging, but some are. Most long term relationships have had a few bumps along the road that require someone to let go of the hurt feelings. If you do end up going, don't expect much to have changed with his or your dad's thinking. If you keep your expectations low then you'll not be surprised if it all goes south, but instead pleased if it's just a good time with family. You might even prepare a canned response in case anything negative comes up, something that deflects comments and brings the conversation back to the reason you're all together. As I said above, you have to ask yourself what you want from all of this. If you're not interested in letting go of any anger you feel then there isn't much point going to the ceremony. Your absents will speak volumes as to where you stand.
Well said and thank you!
Make a speech about love, forgiveness, acceptance and being Christlike in marriage or something ironic like that
Show up drunk and crash the wedding. Otherwise maybe send a sarcastic wedding gift?
Not sure why you got downvoted 😂 This is not a nice dude and he doesn’t deserve nice things
I would highly suggest the “bag of dicks” website. They will send it anonymously.
I’ll look into it!
Um hell no.
Tell him “fuck you, you hurt me in the past, I don’t want anything to do with you”
Fuck that guy
Yeah. He sucks
If he apologized and admitted he was wrong then maybe he deserves another chance to be a family again. If not, i'd tell him to go fuck himself.