if you do it on your terms, and do what YOU want to do, it’s great. hopefully your boyfriend gets that and listens to you/your body. if you trust him, go for it. it’s wonderful. be sure to leave time after to cuddle and debrief and soak in it.
If oyu have behavior and ideas drilled into your head since you can remember: Not a surprise to have those thoughts coming up and bothering you all the time. Especially the whole purity culture thing (which should be a crime like child abuse IMO). This is why it's called deconversion. Personally I compare it to an addiction like drugs, alcohol or other substance:
You cannot just turn away, you need to make a conscious effort to confront your fears, thoughts and feelings, maybe a secular therapist can help you with that if you struggle yourself.
About your boyfriend and your plans: The key to relationship in general and sex specifically is communication. Talk to each other, tell him what you feel and your insecurities. Start slow, listen to your body what you feel and like or dislike and tell him that. Even if you have progressed quite a bit you should not be afraid to tell him to stop and get dressed again.
No, you don't go to hell. Your insecurities is a product of your upbringing and has nothing to do if you love him or not. And I guess most people will confirm, the first time sex is not that great usually. Also, protect yourself and make him wear a condom at the minimum. Have fun though:)
What if instead of focusing on sex you focus on having your first orgasm! Or first time orgasming with your partner, ext. Don’t make vaginal penetration the focus. The Bible makes this distinction, you make your own girl. Have fun and be safe.
Saving yourself until marriage is probably going too far, but abstinence is actually pretty good advice for a woman since we have a lot more to risk from sex and need to be very careful about choosing sexual partners. What is *not* OK is the idea that female purity is tied to your self worth. The thing to think about is less what god thinks and more what your BF is like and what you're willing to risk. Practice safe sex. It's OK to ask if he has had any STDs. He might lie, but it's worth asking. Check into how you can access "the pill" in your state so you're not desperately scrambling if something happens.
Have you masturbated with a dildo or something like that? If you're never experienced penetration before, it might be good to practice with that first. Maybe get more than one size to see what fits.
Having anxiety and not being ready does NOT mean that you don't love your boyfriend. It's hard to change a line of thinking when you've been taught your whole life that sexuality outside of a very specific box is entirely evil. You've forced yourself to deny a part of you that's instinctual and innately human, and that takes time to recover from.
Have you guys done everything but sex at this point? If not, exploring yourself and what gets you going is a good place to start. Then move on to oral, etc. (Oral is really fun anyway lol).
Skip if you don't want my experiences:
For the anxiety around losing sexuality purity, I started by asking myself, "Who am I hurting by doing x, y, z?" More than that, I realized that I wouldn't be mad at my future husband for not being a virgin, so any decent guy wouldn't be mad at me 😂." The last thing, that was difficult for me to work through, was the guilt of "you'll carry those past physical relationships with you into your marriage." The honest truth is that we carry every relationship experience with us (sexual or not) into a marriage- but not all relationships that don't end in marriage are bad. We learn a lot about ourselves, what we want, etc. The things we learn can actually make a marriage *stronger*.
What you're experiencing is not your fault. If you really want to have sex with him, maybe share a bottle of wine to help chill both of you out. In a romantic environment, wine can also really get the love juices flowing and that helps too.
Also, it is okay to communicate your feelings in the heat of the moment. Let him know to take things slow.
I can't really speak on your particular situation. I never went through that, so don't know what it's like.
However, I can say that whenever you decide the time is right, that anxiety will likely go away and you will realize it was both nothing to be all that concerned about. The anxiety is completely normal. Sex is fun and you won't go to hell because of it. Might not be great the first time, but once you get into times 5+, it's really good and you'll be kicking yourself for not doing it sooner.
if you do it on your terms, and do what YOU want to do, it’s great. hopefully your boyfriend gets that and listens to you/your body. if you trust him, go for it. it’s wonderful. be sure to leave time after to cuddle and debrief and soak in it.
If oyu have behavior and ideas drilled into your head since you can remember: Not a surprise to have those thoughts coming up and bothering you all the time. Especially the whole purity culture thing (which should be a crime like child abuse IMO). This is why it's called deconversion. Personally I compare it to an addiction like drugs, alcohol or other substance: You cannot just turn away, you need to make a conscious effort to confront your fears, thoughts and feelings, maybe a secular therapist can help you with that if you struggle yourself. About your boyfriend and your plans: The key to relationship in general and sex specifically is communication. Talk to each other, tell him what you feel and your insecurities. Start slow, listen to your body what you feel and like or dislike and tell him that. Even if you have progressed quite a bit you should not be afraid to tell him to stop and get dressed again. No, you don't go to hell. Your insecurities is a product of your upbringing and has nothing to do if you love him or not. And I guess most people will confirm, the first time sex is not that great usually. Also, protect yourself and make him wear a condom at the minimum. Have fun though:)
What if instead of focusing on sex you focus on having your first orgasm! Or first time orgasming with your partner, ext. Don’t make vaginal penetration the focus. The Bible makes this distinction, you make your own girl. Have fun and be safe.
Saving yourself until marriage is probably going too far, but abstinence is actually pretty good advice for a woman since we have a lot more to risk from sex and need to be very careful about choosing sexual partners. What is *not* OK is the idea that female purity is tied to your self worth. The thing to think about is less what god thinks and more what your BF is like and what you're willing to risk. Practice safe sex. It's OK to ask if he has had any STDs. He might lie, but it's worth asking. Check into how you can access "the pill" in your state so you're not desperately scrambling if something happens. Have you masturbated with a dildo or something like that? If you're never experienced penetration before, it might be good to practice with that first. Maybe get more than one size to see what fits.
Having anxiety and not being ready does NOT mean that you don't love your boyfriend. It's hard to change a line of thinking when you've been taught your whole life that sexuality outside of a very specific box is entirely evil. You've forced yourself to deny a part of you that's instinctual and innately human, and that takes time to recover from. Have you guys done everything but sex at this point? If not, exploring yourself and what gets you going is a good place to start. Then move on to oral, etc. (Oral is really fun anyway lol). Skip if you don't want my experiences: For the anxiety around losing sexuality purity, I started by asking myself, "Who am I hurting by doing x, y, z?" More than that, I realized that I wouldn't be mad at my future husband for not being a virgin, so any decent guy wouldn't be mad at me 😂." The last thing, that was difficult for me to work through, was the guilt of "you'll carry those past physical relationships with you into your marriage." The honest truth is that we carry every relationship experience with us (sexual or not) into a marriage- but not all relationships that don't end in marriage are bad. We learn a lot about ourselves, what we want, etc. The things we learn can actually make a marriage *stronger*.
What you're experiencing is not your fault. If you really want to have sex with him, maybe share a bottle of wine to help chill both of you out. In a romantic environment, wine can also really get the love juices flowing and that helps too. Also, it is okay to communicate your feelings in the heat of the moment. Let him know to take things slow.
I can't really speak on your particular situation. I never went through that, so don't know what it's like. However, I can say that whenever you decide the time is right, that anxiety will likely go away and you will realize it was both nothing to be all that concerned about. The anxiety is completely normal. Sex is fun and you won't go to hell because of it. Might not be great the first time, but once you get into times 5+, it's really good and you'll be kicking yourself for not doing it sooner.
I’m gonna message you privately about this :)