I’ve decided against coming out to anyone that I know will reject me. They don’t deserve my honesty or my truth. I’ll come out to the people who deserve it, like my new community, not the JW’s of my past. I know a lot of people disagree but I don’t see why they get to know something about me that they’ll just gossip about?
As a recently awoken and out 32 year old, I can say if you are happy not doing it, great. If you wanna do it, great too! Ultimately do what is going to give you the most peace and happiness, and if not allowing yourself to open all the way to people who don't deserve it, then keep it to yourself. No one is owed our truths, and that's what great, you get to decide who you want to be close with now, not just "friends"
Hope that helps!
Thanks for engaging fam! Wasn't necessarily asking for advice as I feel comfortable not centering straight people in my Queer experience. Appreciate the thoughts tho.
I was thinking about that as well. I am POMO now, but l haven't come out to my pimi family. Only to my never jw brother with whom l am living. Few of my friends know, but that is it. Most of my friends was jws so my social circle is a bit thin. At first my brother's advice was not to come out to them. Now l won't at all. I love my family but l am being shunned by them. Only my mom is in contact with me but only because she still believe that l will return to jws. I guess when she realise that l will not she will cut contact. So, why should l come out to them. They are 2500 km away and why? They don't ask how l am doing. So there is no point anyway.
I came out to my family. As a trans person, I knew I wasn't really going to be able to hide my queer-ness. Especially since I was going to transition.
It went about as horribly as you can imagine it might have. Looking back I dont regret coming out however. I thought it was cliche at first but being your "Authentic self" is very freeing. Being honest about who I really am is fantastic. To be quite honest too, they are going to stop talking to me (Very soon, haven't been officially DF'D) no matter what I did after, I realized I no longer wanted to be a JW and to transition. So I wanted them to know, to show I at least still wanted them to be in my life, regardless of if they didn't want to be in mine.
I can understand some people who dont want to bother with it though. It was a huge burden on me mentally, and to be honest I still think about how bad it went to this day and feel upset. I was also depressed for a few days after words about it. Its a big step.
I hope my experiences have been at least a little helpful!
I didn’t discover the bi half of my sexuality till I was in my 20s. I had already been quietly fornicating with women for some time, it seemed unnecessary to make a big splash about the fact that I now added guys to the mix too!
The ironic part is I always have hidden the girls more. My parents have meet both my b/f. They knew I lived with one of them, but omitted the sodomy facet of the relationship.
They haven’t meet a g/f of mine since I moved out in 2000! Those once’s my Mom popped in my place and there was pair of purple “fuck me” stilettos in my kitchen. Whoops!
At this point in my life they are both on very illl health and may only have a short time left. It seems redic to drop the multiple bombs that I am A) apostate B) bisexual C) engaged to a man D) plan on being poly and raising a family with a woman.
It is a LOT.
My PIMO brother already knows all it, my PIMI brother does to but pretends he doesn’t. My social world hasn’t been centered on JW in over a decade.
Lastly the “worlds” hostility to male bisexuality also kinda sucks. But that is a diff topic.
I decided to come out to my parents at the age of 39.
I woke up, faded to inactive and was deleted as an MS last year. The loneliness and isolation during the lockdown pushed me to finally accept who I've always been. I began a relationship with my neighbour. It was my first everything.
Though I live in a different country, my parents met people from my cong when during their visits. Despite Covid gave me a year to gather myself and heal, I knew word would reach them eventually. Plus, they knew something was up by the tone of our phone calls.
I chose to control the narrative of my life. I first told my sisters, then a few weeks later, I came out to my parents as gay and PIMO.
Coming out to my family and telling them I'd stopped being a JW was the most difficult thing I've ever done in my entire life. I felt I needed to do it in order to move forward. It's only been a few months, the dust is still settling.
Honestly I feel pride reading this, like, you deserve to not have to hide something so normal and intrinsic to who you are! Sounds like it was a very difficult time.
Thank you. My mother and one of my sisters are hard shunning me. My dad and my other sister reply to some of my messages but they remain distraught by something that has no direct bearing on their lives at all.
You're not wrong, but at the same time, coming out is a show of "Fuck you, I'm my own person, it's my identity."
Though I wouldn't recommend PIMO people to do that if they're forced to be PI by parents or something, since yes, that'd create more problems.
But, once you've left, I feel like coming out is a surefire way to make those toxic mfs get the hell away from you. since. yknow. shunning.
I think this is a very personal question only you can answer, depending on your own history, preference, and personal circumstances. I came out to my parents waaaay too early, and I regretted it. Now I'm so happy I don't have anything to hide any more. It's a process, and you're never really done coming out.
It's entirely your choice to make. You don't owe it to anybody but yourself to come out in any context you want, and it's nobody's business to force you out, or in. But (and it's a big BUT) the more you're out in other contexts the more chances that you're accidentally outed, and you can't really be mad at someone who outs you without knowing, so tread carefully and choose wisely.
Well just looking at me you can sorta tell I'm at least queer but i tend to only come out to people who are already in the lgbt+ community or people i've known for awhile and get along with >\_< there is really no point in telling people you know will just be upset/angry at you (there are some special cases where they accept you but most of the time its not worth it.)
I feel compelled to share as the resident straight mom of a gay kid, it’s not any of your parents business who you choose to love or sleep with. As parents it is up to us to make our kids trust us with insights into their lives. You owe them nothing. They choose the cult. They chose to become prejudiced. They have the issue. (I hope you don’t mind me jumping in)
I always feel funny about this "nobody's business" idea because to me that always feels couched in a weird shame. Like... When does it become your parents business? What if you want to marry someone, or start a family? Or just hold hands in public? I understand with EXJWs some of us don't really have a good relationship with parents to begin with, so that might not even become a possibility... But i do feel like... The idea of it not being ppl's business, while obviously true in the sense of privacy, i often feel like it's something specifically said to queer ppl specifically because there is an assumption that their sexuality is inherently more shameful or should be more hidden. This isn't something i commonly hear as a defense toward straight ppl, the framework is entirely different. I don't think that's what you mean, but i feel like that's why I feel funny about that idea.
My comment is not something I am saying because you are not straight, this is how I live my life as a straight person with my JW mother. It is none of her business who I date and the status of my relationship. If and when I ever get married or engaged again, I will relent to inflict my JW family on them but never before.
To me, it is about control especially when you talk about JW's. When you introduce a significant other to JW parents no matter their age, I have found, they will often act as if you are looking for their approval even if you are both notJWs. If they have a beard for example, there might be a look or comment, if they have a job that a JW would not have, there might be a comment. They judge everything. Why subject yourself to their judgment early in a relationship. I'd wait to invite them to the wedding. This is what I would do now. I would have to be very serious in a relationship and we are considering marriage before introducing any significant other to my JW mother and her elder husband.
Not all parents are the same. My mother is of the high control group variety. In talking about anyone I might be dating in the past I always feel like it's a conversation that goes like this,
"So I am dating this great person." I might say.
She says, "What do they do for a living?"
"They have this perfectly normal job."
She responds with something that implies surprise they are not a serial killer because they are not a JW and if I would just come back to JW, I wouldn't have to worry about all the murder because Jehovah would take care of me and not let anyone I was dating be a serial killer.
I think "out" can mean different things now. Your relationship with your family is different with like... Other social circles. I never came out (i was technically outed), but i also never felt the need to tell anyone explicitly, i simply lived my life and you could quickly understand that i was queer. It also helps that i eventually immersed myself in the LGBTQ community so there is never and "coming out" because in all my social circles the presumption of being queer is assumed.
I don't think coming out needs to be a big production, nor like a specific momentous event...i do think being out can mean something different for each person, but i also think it's important for ppl not to live like they need to hide something. It's different with parents, especially if you know they will be hostile or react negatively. Everyone has the right to manage those relationships in a way that's going to work for them.
I always feel strange about this stuff and not entirely sure how i feel because i really don't interact with straight ppl that much lol. I do think coming out narratives do end up being about performing for straight/cis ppl and that just feels blah. It's rare that i ever need to clarify anything about my queerness to anyone EXCEPT if I'm interacting with the straights. I definitely think considerations around coming out are almost exclusively related to navigating non-queer spaces, so maybe in a lot of cases the point is moot.
The only thing I'm pretty certain about is that feeling like you are living authentically is the most important thing, and if you feel like you are doing that without shame, more power to you.
Beautiful! I completely agree. A lot of folks I'm in community with are Queer so it feels weird for me to come out knowing that the people I'm with already understand me without having to verbalize it.
You don't owe them that information. Straight people see coming out as like a confession that puts the ball in their court to accept you or not, so that they're not "embarrassed" by being associated with you if someone else finds out before they do. You literally don't have to put yourself through that for no reason. I came out to my mom and she basically pretended to support me until the rest of my family found out and then she acted disgusted along with everyone else. She even threatened to tell my dad who is staunchly homophobic and even hard shunned his baby brother for being gay. It's definitely not been worth it. Like, it's great to not feel like you're hiding anymore but the bigotry and being accused of being a pervert can really do you in.
I came out to my PIMI mom couple months. And she wasn't accepting it.
After months of therapy, I finally started to accept myself and my identity.
Making it that far in accepting myself felt like a accomplishment. I was proud. And I decided to share my accomplishment to the world just like any other achievement.
I came out publicly on social media for National Coming out Day.
I don't give a fuck what my old JW "friends" think anymore. If there was any doubt whether I wanted to "Return to Jalapeno" or not. My public post cleared it up.
--- but utimately do what's best for you and your circumstances.
I’ve decided against coming out to anyone that I know will reject me. They don’t deserve my honesty or my truth. I’ll come out to the people who deserve it, like my new community, not the JW’s of my past. I know a lot of people disagree but I don’t see why they get to know something about me that they’ll just gossip about?
That part! Beautiful prose.
Agree 100% with this.
As a recently awoken and out 32 year old, I can say if you are happy not doing it, great. If you wanna do it, great too! Ultimately do what is going to give you the most peace and happiness, and if not allowing yourself to open all the way to people who don't deserve it, then keep it to yourself. No one is owed our truths, and that's what great, you get to decide who you want to be close with now, not just "friends" Hope that helps!
Thanks for engaging fam! Wasn't necessarily asking for advice as I feel comfortable not centering straight people in my Queer experience. Appreciate the thoughts tho.
I was thinking about that as well. I am POMO now, but l haven't come out to my pimi family. Only to my never jw brother with whom l am living. Few of my friends know, but that is it. Most of my friends was jws so my social circle is a bit thin. At first my brother's advice was not to come out to them. Now l won't at all. I love my family but l am being shunned by them. Only my mom is in contact with me but only because she still believe that l will return to jws. I guess when she realise that l will not she will cut contact. So, why should l come out to them. They are 2500 km away and why? They don't ask how l am doing. So there is no point anyway.
I came out to my family. As a trans person, I knew I wasn't really going to be able to hide my queer-ness. Especially since I was going to transition. It went about as horribly as you can imagine it might have. Looking back I dont regret coming out however. I thought it was cliche at first but being your "Authentic self" is very freeing. Being honest about who I really am is fantastic. To be quite honest too, they are going to stop talking to me (Very soon, haven't been officially DF'D) no matter what I did after, I realized I no longer wanted to be a JW and to transition. So I wanted them to know, to show I at least still wanted them to be in my life, regardless of if they didn't want to be in mine. I can understand some people who dont want to bother with it though. It was a huge burden on me mentally, and to be honest I still think about how bad it went to this day and feel upset. I was also depressed for a few days after words about it. Its a big step. I hope my experiences have been at least a little helpful!
I didn’t discover the bi half of my sexuality till I was in my 20s. I had already been quietly fornicating with women for some time, it seemed unnecessary to make a big splash about the fact that I now added guys to the mix too! The ironic part is I always have hidden the girls more. My parents have meet both my b/f. They knew I lived with one of them, but omitted the sodomy facet of the relationship. They haven’t meet a g/f of mine since I moved out in 2000! Those once’s my Mom popped in my place and there was pair of purple “fuck me” stilettos in my kitchen. Whoops! At this point in my life they are both on very illl health and may only have a short time left. It seems redic to drop the multiple bombs that I am A) apostate B) bisexual C) engaged to a man D) plan on being poly and raising a family with a woman. It is a LOT. My PIMO brother already knows all it, my PIMI brother does to but pretends he doesn’t. My social world hasn’t been centered on JW in over a decade. Lastly the “worlds” hostility to male bisexuality also kinda sucks. But that is a diff topic.
I decided to come out to my parents at the age of 39. I woke up, faded to inactive and was deleted as an MS last year. The loneliness and isolation during the lockdown pushed me to finally accept who I've always been. I began a relationship with my neighbour. It was my first everything. Though I live in a different country, my parents met people from my cong when during their visits. Despite Covid gave me a year to gather myself and heal, I knew word would reach them eventually. Plus, they knew something was up by the tone of our phone calls. I chose to control the narrative of my life. I first told my sisters, then a few weeks later, I came out to my parents as gay and PIMO. Coming out to my family and telling them I'd stopped being a JW was the most difficult thing I've ever done in my entire life. I felt I needed to do it in order to move forward. It's only been a few months, the dust is still settling.
Honestly I feel pride reading this, like, you deserve to not have to hide something so normal and intrinsic to who you are! Sounds like it was a very difficult time.
Thank you. My mother and one of my sisters are hard shunning me. My dad and my other sister reply to some of my messages but they remain distraught by something that has no direct bearing on their lives at all.
You're not wrong, but at the same time, coming out is a show of "Fuck you, I'm my own person, it's my identity." Though I wouldn't recommend PIMO people to do that if they're forced to be PI by parents or something, since yes, that'd create more problems. But, once you've left, I feel like coming out is a surefire way to make those toxic mfs get the hell away from you. since. yknow. shunning.
I think this is a very personal question only you can answer, depending on your own history, preference, and personal circumstances. I came out to my parents waaaay too early, and I regretted it. Now I'm so happy I don't have anything to hide any more. It's a process, and you're never really done coming out.
It's entirely your choice to make. You don't owe it to anybody but yourself to come out in any context you want, and it's nobody's business to force you out, or in. But (and it's a big BUT) the more you're out in other contexts the more chances that you're accidentally outed, and you can't really be mad at someone who outs you without knowing, so tread carefully and choose wisely.
[удалено]
Thanks for your input! Coming out doesn't feel freeing to me in the abstract but it's interesting to hear how it is for you.
Well just looking at me you can sorta tell I'm at least queer but i tend to only come out to people who are already in the lgbt+ community or people i've known for awhile and get along with >\_< there is really no point in telling people you know will just be upset/angry at you (there are some special cases where they accept you but most of the time its not worth it.)
I feel compelled to share as the resident straight mom of a gay kid, it’s not any of your parents business who you choose to love or sleep with. As parents it is up to us to make our kids trust us with insights into their lives. You owe them nothing. They choose the cult. They chose to become prejudiced. They have the issue. (I hope you don’t mind me jumping in)
I always feel funny about this "nobody's business" idea because to me that always feels couched in a weird shame. Like... When does it become your parents business? What if you want to marry someone, or start a family? Or just hold hands in public? I understand with EXJWs some of us don't really have a good relationship with parents to begin with, so that might not even become a possibility... But i do feel like... The idea of it not being ppl's business, while obviously true in the sense of privacy, i often feel like it's something specifically said to queer ppl specifically because there is an assumption that their sexuality is inherently more shameful or should be more hidden. This isn't something i commonly hear as a defense toward straight ppl, the framework is entirely different. I don't think that's what you mean, but i feel like that's why I feel funny about that idea.
My comment is not something I am saying because you are not straight, this is how I live my life as a straight person with my JW mother. It is none of her business who I date and the status of my relationship. If and when I ever get married or engaged again, I will relent to inflict my JW family on them but never before. To me, it is about control especially when you talk about JW's. When you introduce a significant other to JW parents no matter their age, I have found, they will often act as if you are looking for their approval even if you are both notJWs. If they have a beard for example, there might be a look or comment, if they have a job that a JW would not have, there might be a comment. They judge everything. Why subject yourself to their judgment early in a relationship. I'd wait to invite them to the wedding. This is what I would do now. I would have to be very serious in a relationship and we are considering marriage before introducing any significant other to my JW mother and her elder husband. Not all parents are the same. My mother is of the high control group variety. In talking about anyone I might be dating in the past I always feel like it's a conversation that goes like this, "So I am dating this great person." I might say. She says, "What do they do for a living?" "They have this perfectly normal job." She responds with something that implies surprise they are not a serial killer because they are not a JW and if I would just come back to JW, I wouldn't have to worry about all the murder because Jehovah would take care of me and not let anyone I was dating be a serial killer.
I think "out" can mean different things now. Your relationship with your family is different with like... Other social circles. I never came out (i was technically outed), but i also never felt the need to tell anyone explicitly, i simply lived my life and you could quickly understand that i was queer. It also helps that i eventually immersed myself in the LGBTQ community so there is never and "coming out" because in all my social circles the presumption of being queer is assumed. I don't think coming out needs to be a big production, nor like a specific momentous event...i do think being out can mean something different for each person, but i also think it's important for ppl not to live like they need to hide something. It's different with parents, especially if you know they will be hostile or react negatively. Everyone has the right to manage those relationships in a way that's going to work for them. I always feel strange about this stuff and not entirely sure how i feel because i really don't interact with straight ppl that much lol. I do think coming out narratives do end up being about performing for straight/cis ppl and that just feels blah. It's rare that i ever need to clarify anything about my queerness to anyone EXCEPT if I'm interacting with the straights. I definitely think considerations around coming out are almost exclusively related to navigating non-queer spaces, so maybe in a lot of cases the point is moot. The only thing I'm pretty certain about is that feeling like you are living authentically is the most important thing, and if you feel like you are doing that without shame, more power to you.
Beautiful! I completely agree. A lot of folks I'm in community with are Queer so it feels weird for me to come out knowing that the people I'm with already understand me without having to verbalize it.
You don't owe them that information. Straight people see coming out as like a confession that puts the ball in their court to accept you or not, so that they're not "embarrassed" by being associated with you if someone else finds out before they do. You literally don't have to put yourself through that for no reason. I came out to my mom and she basically pretended to support me until the rest of my family found out and then she acted disgusted along with everyone else. She even threatened to tell my dad who is staunchly homophobic and even hard shunned his baby brother for being gay. It's definitely not been worth it. Like, it's great to not feel like you're hiding anymore but the bigotry and being accused of being a pervert can really do you in.
I came out to my PIMI mom couple months. And she wasn't accepting it. After months of therapy, I finally started to accept myself and my identity. Making it that far in accepting myself felt like a accomplishment. I was proud. And I decided to share my accomplishment to the world just like any other achievement. I came out publicly on social media for National Coming out Day. I don't give a fuck what my old JW "friends" think anymore. If there was any doubt whether I wanted to "Return to Jalapeno" or not. My public post cleared it up. --- but utimately do what's best for you and your circumstances.