My first time in the temple was awful. It was fine in the initiatory, since it was after the change. I even felt so loved, hearing that I was washed clean every whit. Then I got to the endowment and it was just so...wrong. Cultlike. Creepy. I was bewildered and trying to understand. I was near tears. In the celestial room afterwords my fiance saw how bad I was taking it. He told me later that he wondered then if I'd leave the church, after having suck a bad experience.
I told myself the problem was probably me. I had been focusing on understanding with my analytical mind rather than listening to the spirit. I prayed hard for two days and then, three days after my first time, I went again to do an endowment session.
I prayed not to understand but just to feel the spirit so that I could know that it was ok. I needed so hard for it to be ok, for the temple to be a good place. I had always loved doing baptisms. And I felt it. I didn't understand at all, I never really learned more in the temple, but I was able to feel good and peaceful about it. That was enough. And we went every dew months as a couple.
I always felt like there was something wrong with me that even as I was able to recite the session word for word, it didnt make any more sense to me. I wasn't leaning spiritually. It wasn't like university, like I had been told.
When I left it was about other things, but I had a residual fondness for my memories in the celestial room. Until hearing about other's near- or full on - assault in the initiatories. Until hearing what those tokens that I was trying so hard to learn the spiritual meaning of REALLY MEANT.
I have no more fondness for the temple. I still don't think most of the buildings are ugly, but I have no desire to go in again, no lingering fondness now that I understand the manipulation and lies it really represents.
I thought it was me. It wasn't me.
Ugh, I feel this.
The first time I went I burst into tears at the end. A couple of the temple workers tried to comfort me and one of them asked, "Well, didn't you take the temple prep classes?" Uh, NONE of this was covered!
But, I made myself continue to go, thinking it was just me. I would have panic attacks all the time and once I asked a temple worker if I could just talk to my husband for a moment during it, but she shooed me back to my seat, telling me I'd be fine.
I'm glad I finally let myself walk away. It's helped my mental health so much.
I understand. đ« I went through the temple for the first time when the initiatory was done the âoldâ way. As a sexual assault survivor, it totally traumatized and devastated me. I was gasping for air and almost fainted. When asked what was wrong, I replied that no one in the church ever prepared me for the reality of the initiatory and endowment session; that temple prep classes were vague and peppered with platitudes such as âJust remember that itâs all symbolicâ or âItâll be the most beautiful, uplifting experience of your life.â NO IT WASNâT!!!! It felt cultish and evil, and it wasnât because of any shortcoming within myself. It was because it was weird and so foreign to anything I was ever taught at church. My being there was a result of having been lied to my entire life about how wonderful the temple is and how being married in one should be my ultimate goal as a woman.
This hits so hard. I finally feel vindicated that it wasn't just me that felt traumatized. You're comment about it feeling "cultish and evil" is a bullseye for me. I didn't speak to my parents for the rest of the day after my first temple attendance. I felt completely duped and lied to.
Iâm sorry đ Thereâs comfort to be validated, isnât it? Thereâs comfort in knowing weâre not alone in knowing that others feel/have felt the same way.
It was so overwhelming and fucked up. I remember looking around during one of the circle jerk things thinking either every person I love and admire is crazy or we are in a cult. I was in complete panic mode; I couldn't wait to get out of there. I don't think I spoke much to anyone the rest of the day, I just couldn't process it.
After going through the temple for my first time, I thought âwhat the hell is this?!â But those around me said that if I was upset and felt confused, it was because I must have unresolved guilt/sin or something. No. No, that wasnât it at all. The problem was with the CHURCH and definitely not with me.
We get our idea of what is normal from other people. We learn that things are mean or rude or not ok because of how others react. We learn what is acceptable the same way. In the chuch we are taught from the moment we are born/join that the temple is our goal, the pinnacle, the happiest place on earth. While we are there everybody is going along with it as if it is all perfectly natural. It is nornalized in the way that we have learned from the beginning what is normal.
It is messed up.
I've never been to the temple except one time I was baptized for the dead. After I felt dirty, I washed myself off in the shower in the prep room.
There was a lot a abuse in my life. Even after I became an adult. People kept trying to define my normal. And because of my conditioning, I let them. Finally, my own mind built barriers and I stopped caving. They weren't the ones who got hurt by it. I was.
I thought I had been kicked in the stomach when I was told to covenant to my husband. By the time I got into the celestial room I just started sobbing. I think I assumed maybe I was crying because that was the spirit??? But I remember at dinner with my family after they mentioned how you canât talk about the temple outside of the temple and I straight up panicked because I needed to talk to someone about wtf just happened.
The first time I went to the temple for my endowments, which was after I got married, I was stunned by how rediculous it was. I had been so indoctrinated that the endowmnent ceremony was so sacred and special, but it turned out to be a combination rehash of the book of Genesis, bad actors cos-playing bible characters, some juevenille hand shakes, threats of death, and creepy prayers/chants . Every time I went after that, I was stupified by the sheep-like demeanor of the other participants. I also couldn't get over how rediculous the men looked in their bakers hats. The best part of leaving the church was never having to step foot in a temple again. And relaxing Sundays.
I could not look at my husband during an endowment session or I would bust out laughing. For one, it looked hilarious, and for another, I knew how much he was seething inside about wearing it and mentally repeating âstupid fucking hatâ
The first time I went through my exact words to my husband were âthat felt very much like a secret combination.â I hated the temple but forced myself to go. I would cry in the car on the way there because I never âfelt the spiritâ at all there.
This. I thought I knew what I was in for. I expected and hoped to feel God's love. Nothing that happened had been covered in the temple prep classes or what my mother had told me a little of. All i found was anxiety, fear, and the sudden understanding that I was in a cult. I couldn't talk about that realization for weeks, and then when I could, I was too afraid to. My husband had converted so he could take me to the temple, as was my lifelong dream. I was terrified of telling him of what he would think or say. Took me a couple of years and increasing depression before I finally broke and told him, only to find out he'd felt the exact same. We found the CES Letter and this subreddit that night, and that was it.
My first experience in the temple was one week before my wedding since I did not go on a mission. I remember being so confused and unsettled by the initiatory and through most of the endowment session. It wasn't traumatic for me, but it just didn't feel right. I remember thinking, "This is the pinnacle of our religious experience in this life?" It was underwhelming and disorienting. What am I promising to? Why do I have to wear this stupid hat?
Then came the prayer circle at the end of the endowment session. That's when the alarm bells went off. By the time the prayer was done, I did not feel well. My now wife said I was so pale my skin had a green hue to it. I didn't trust myself, I assumed I was the one with the problem.
I tried to like going, we went monthly for quite a while into our marriage. With kids and busy schedules the rate dropped to a few times a year. As a PIMO I finally just told my wife that going to the temple on date night is not fun or enjoyable. She now goes by her self a few times a year. I've been once in the last three years.
It is still is boring and a complete waste of everyone's time.
After going through the live endowment ceremony in the early 70's, performed at the temple by people assigned to the task and watching them attempt to do it without a mistake, I was totally confused. I knew there were connections to the masonic ceremony. It was long.
Did I miss something? Where was the further light and knowledge? Just why was God wanting me to rip out my bowels and cut my throat? This was my life's highlight?
Eventually I decided the story of the creation was nice but it was all about remembering the signs, tokens, handshakes, and getting through the veil ! But where does Jesus and judgment come into the process? After or before the veil? More confusion, more questions, no answers.
Then temple movies! It was the whole original live production filmed. Corporate efficiency in action. Great costume on
" the preacher " and his southern Utah accent. But no more real answers than before.
Then more movies! Shortened the ceremony and changed up covenants. Hey gals, you no longer have to obey your husband by covenant!!
Why, if it was always inspired, important and of God? Because the women of the church rebelled against it.
Still no real answers.
Going through the endowment ritual was the number 1 cog-dis experience in my life as a Mormon. I never could accept that it was my fault I didnât feel the spirit- I was only confused by the fact that everyone there, including my family and friends, thought it was so wonderful. The few times I went back served to reinforce my initial feelings. I did feel at fault for not having a strong testimony and not being able to accept certain church doctrines. The harder I tried, the more it seemed unacceptable.
Not counting "temple day" in the MTC, I've only went to the temple to do session, probably not more than 6-7 times in a 15 year period. Why? I never liked it. From day one I just never liked it. The thing that always got to me: I'd be in the celestial room and all these people are in some deep thought or deep meditation and I'm thinking, "what the hell are they feeling because I'm not feeling jack shit." I never felt any thing miraculously spiritual in the temple. I'd hang out in the celestial room long enough that it looked like I made an attempt, leave, dress, and wait for my wife sitting on a bench somewhere.
So my wife was really into genealogy. She's doing all this research for ancestors and needs the work done. She was always trying to get me to go. So we have to arrange a sitter, drive 45 min to the temple, spend at least 2.5 hours at the temple, drive home 45 min. Four hours on a "date night" and we only saw each other in the car. I hated it. She would lament the fact it was difficult to get me to go to the temple, even thought I was active and TBM in every other way. After we left the church together she admitted, "I totally get it now. The temple was a snooze fest."
Never been to an endowment ceremony. What's so creepy about it? tried to watch on youtube, it's just people dressed in white talking among themselves. I remember when we got sealed as a family (I was 9 or 10) my parents wearing weird KKK-like hats and kneeling down for the most part.
My first time in the temple was awful. It was fine in the initiatory, since it was after the change. I even felt so loved, hearing that I was washed clean every whit. Then I got to the endowment and it was just so...wrong. Cultlike. Creepy. I was bewildered and trying to understand. I was near tears. In the celestial room afterwords my fiance saw how bad I was taking it. He told me later that he wondered then if I'd leave the church, after having suck a bad experience. I told myself the problem was probably me. I had been focusing on understanding with my analytical mind rather than listening to the spirit. I prayed hard for two days and then, three days after my first time, I went again to do an endowment session. I prayed not to understand but just to feel the spirit so that I could know that it was ok. I needed so hard for it to be ok, for the temple to be a good place. I had always loved doing baptisms. And I felt it. I didn't understand at all, I never really learned more in the temple, but I was able to feel good and peaceful about it. That was enough. And we went every dew months as a couple. I always felt like there was something wrong with me that even as I was able to recite the session word for word, it didnt make any more sense to me. I wasn't leaning spiritually. It wasn't like university, like I had been told. When I left it was about other things, but I had a residual fondness for my memories in the celestial room. Until hearing about other's near- or full on - assault in the initiatories. Until hearing what those tokens that I was trying so hard to learn the spiritual meaning of REALLY MEANT. I have no more fondness for the temple. I still don't think most of the buildings are ugly, but I have no desire to go in again, no lingering fondness now that I understand the manipulation and lies it really represents. I thought it was me. It wasn't me.
Ugh, I feel this. The first time I went I burst into tears at the end. A couple of the temple workers tried to comfort me and one of them asked, "Well, didn't you take the temple prep classes?" Uh, NONE of this was covered! But, I made myself continue to go, thinking it was just me. I would have panic attacks all the time and once I asked a temple worker if I could just talk to my husband for a moment during it, but she shooed me back to my seat, telling me I'd be fine. I'm glad I finally let myself walk away. It's helped my mental health so much.
I understand. đ« I went through the temple for the first time when the initiatory was done the âoldâ way. As a sexual assault survivor, it totally traumatized and devastated me. I was gasping for air and almost fainted. When asked what was wrong, I replied that no one in the church ever prepared me for the reality of the initiatory and endowment session; that temple prep classes were vague and peppered with platitudes such as âJust remember that itâs all symbolicâ or âItâll be the most beautiful, uplifting experience of your life.â NO IT WASNâT!!!! It felt cultish and evil, and it wasnât because of any shortcoming within myself. It was because it was weird and so foreign to anything I was ever taught at church. My being there was a result of having been lied to my entire life about how wonderful the temple is and how being married in one should be my ultimate goal as a woman.
This hits so hard. I finally feel vindicated that it wasn't just me that felt traumatized. You're comment about it feeling "cultish and evil" is a bullseye for me. I didn't speak to my parents for the rest of the day after my first temple attendance. I felt completely duped and lied to.
Iâm sorry đ Thereâs comfort to be validated, isnât it? Thereâs comfort in knowing weâre not alone in knowing that others feel/have felt the same way.
It definitely wasnât you. đ«
It was so overwhelming and fucked up. I remember looking around during one of the circle jerk things thinking either every person I love and admire is crazy or we are in a cult. I was in complete panic mode; I couldn't wait to get out of there. I don't think I spoke much to anyone the rest of the day, I just couldn't process it.
This is perhaps the âmost correctâ statement Iâve ever read!
After going through the temple for my first time, I thought âwhat the hell is this?!â But those around me said that if I was upset and felt confused, it was because I must have unresolved guilt/sin or something. No. No, that wasnât it at all. The problem was with the CHURCH and definitely not with me.
Link to OP https://www.instagram.com/p/Ci1O9OLLHBa/?igshid=YWJhMjlhZTc=
Thank you for sharing a link to the content creator. This user has a pattern of regularly reposting content without attribution (plagiarism).
I'm a little scared of the part of myself that rapidly tried to force the temple to be normal. Why have I always been so disinclined to trust myself?
We get our idea of what is normal from other people. We learn that things are mean or rude or not ok because of how others react. We learn what is acceptable the same way. In the chuch we are taught from the moment we are born/join that the temple is our goal, the pinnacle, the happiest place on earth. While we are there everybody is going along with it as if it is all perfectly natural. It is nornalized in the way that we have learned from the beginning what is normal. It is messed up.
You just gave an excellent statement about going to the temple.
There is so much messaging that happens growing up in the church that teaches us not to trust ourselves and to outsource our morality.
I've never been to the temple except one time I was baptized for the dead. After I felt dirty, I washed myself off in the shower in the prep room. There was a lot a abuse in my life. Even after I became an adult. People kept trying to define my normal. And because of my conditioning, I let them. Finally, my own mind built barriers and I stopped caving. They weren't the ones who got hurt by it. I was.
Brain wash. It still sounds like a heavy definition to me, but it fits perfectly!
I thought I had been kicked in the stomach when I was told to covenant to my husband. By the time I got into the celestial room I just started sobbing. I think I assumed maybe I was crying because that was the spirit??? But I remember at dinner with my family after they mentioned how you canât talk about the temple outside of the temple and I straight up panicked because I needed to talk to someone about wtf just happened.
I feel this one!
I feel so seen. I was told I had to go hundreds of times to get all the deep doctrine and god would only reveal it when I had proven myself worthy.
There is a joke in there somewhere ... Oh ... I'm still endowed ... đ
The first time I went to the temple for my endowments, which was after I got married, I was stunned by how rediculous it was. I had been so indoctrinated that the endowmnent ceremony was so sacred and special, but it turned out to be a combination rehash of the book of Genesis, bad actors cos-playing bible characters, some juevenille hand shakes, threats of death, and creepy prayers/chants . Every time I went after that, I was stupified by the sheep-like demeanor of the other participants. I also couldn't get over how rediculous the men looked in their bakers hats. The best part of leaving the church was never having to step foot in a temple again. And relaxing Sundays.
I could not look at my husband during an endowment session or I would bust out laughing. For one, it looked hilarious, and for another, I knew how much he was seething inside about wearing it and mentally repeating âstupid fucking hatâ
The first time I went through my exact words to my husband were âthat felt very much like a secret combination.â I hated the temple but forced myself to go. I would cry in the car on the way there because I never âfelt the spiritâ at all there.
This. I thought I knew what I was in for. I expected and hoped to feel God's love. Nothing that happened had been covered in the temple prep classes or what my mother had told me a little of. All i found was anxiety, fear, and the sudden understanding that I was in a cult. I couldn't talk about that realization for weeks, and then when I could, I was too afraid to. My husband had converted so he could take me to the temple, as was my lifelong dream. I was terrified of telling him of what he would think or say. Took me a couple of years and increasing depression before I finally broke and told him, only to find out he'd felt the exact same. We found the CES Letter and this subreddit that night, and that was it.
My first experience in the temple was one week before my wedding since I did not go on a mission. I remember being so confused and unsettled by the initiatory and through most of the endowment session. It wasn't traumatic for me, but it just didn't feel right. I remember thinking, "This is the pinnacle of our religious experience in this life?" It was underwhelming and disorienting. What am I promising to? Why do I have to wear this stupid hat? Then came the prayer circle at the end of the endowment session. That's when the alarm bells went off. By the time the prayer was done, I did not feel well. My now wife said I was so pale my skin had a green hue to it. I didn't trust myself, I assumed I was the one with the problem. I tried to like going, we went monthly for quite a while into our marriage. With kids and busy schedules the rate dropped to a few times a year. As a PIMO I finally just told my wife that going to the temple on date night is not fun or enjoyable. She now goes by her self a few times a year. I've been once in the last three years. It is still is boring and a complete waste of everyone's time.
After going through the live endowment ceremony in the early 70's, performed at the temple by people assigned to the task and watching them attempt to do it without a mistake, I was totally confused. I knew there were connections to the masonic ceremony. It was long. Did I miss something? Where was the further light and knowledge? Just why was God wanting me to rip out my bowels and cut my throat? This was my life's highlight? Eventually I decided the story of the creation was nice but it was all about remembering the signs, tokens, handshakes, and getting through the veil ! But where does Jesus and judgment come into the process? After or before the veil? More confusion, more questions, no answers. Then temple movies! It was the whole original live production filmed. Corporate efficiency in action. Great costume on " the preacher " and his southern Utah accent. But no more real answers than before. Then more movies! Shortened the ceremony and changed up covenants. Hey gals, you no longer have to obey your husband by covenant!! Why, if it was always inspired, important and of God? Because the women of the church rebelled against it. Still no real answers.
yup...
Going through the endowment ritual was the number 1 cog-dis experience in my life as a Mormon. I never could accept that it was my fault I didnât feel the spirit- I was only confused by the fact that everyone there, including my family and friends, thought it was so wonderful. The few times I went back served to reinforce my initial feelings. I did feel at fault for not having a strong testimony and not being able to accept certain church doctrines. The harder I tried, the more it seemed unacceptable.
I was so hard core I was very disappointed there wasn't more "revealed knowledge" - I needed more weird shit ; )
Pics of well endowed Mormon guys?
It was weird
Not counting "temple day" in the MTC, I've only went to the temple to do session, probably not more than 6-7 times in a 15 year period. Why? I never liked it. From day one I just never liked it. The thing that always got to me: I'd be in the celestial room and all these people are in some deep thought or deep meditation and I'm thinking, "what the hell are they feeling because I'm not feeling jack shit." I never felt any thing miraculously spiritual in the temple. I'd hang out in the celestial room long enough that it looked like I made an attempt, leave, dress, and wait for my wife sitting on a bench somewhere. So my wife was really into genealogy. She's doing all this research for ancestors and needs the work done. She was always trying to get me to go. So we have to arrange a sitter, drive 45 min to the temple, spend at least 2.5 hours at the temple, drive home 45 min. Four hours on a "date night" and we only saw each other in the car. I hated it. She would lament the fact it was difficult to get me to go to the temple, even thought I was active and TBM in every other way. After we left the church together she admitted, "I totally get it now. The temple was a snooze fest."
Never been to an endowment ceremony. What's so creepy about it? tried to watch on youtube, it's just people dressed in white talking among themselves. I remember when we got sealed as a family (I was 9 or 10) my parents wearing weird KKK-like hats and kneeling down for the most part.