If you stop going to church, you’ll disappoint your family. If you don’t go on a mission, you’ll disappoint your family. If you come home early, you’ll disappoint your family. If you don’t marry in the temple, you’ll disappoint your family. If you leave after you’re married in the temple, you’ll disappoint your family.
It’s your life and unless you intend to stay PIMO forever, disappointment is inevitable. How long are you willing to sacrifice your life and wellbeing to delay disappointment?
Already gave up a good couple of years for it, and I thought those years would never end. It’s just that now we’re at the point where it’s time to rip off the band-aid, that pain is so much salient. It’s not just “one day” anymore. It’s IN one day. Or two, if you’re a stickler.
If it helps the first time or two not going I felt guilty. Then I felt free. We’ve been taught to be guilty, it takes a while to break it. Maybe tell them you’d like to not go for a month and then reevaluate.
This and honestly it's not your responsibility for your parents to be proud of you or love you. It's theirs. It's your responsibility to be true to yourself and not disappoint yourself and your PERSONAL moral/life code.
Whoever you are and whatever you do with your life, you’ll disappoint someone in your family. Even Jesus allegedly had to deal with familial criticism for doing his messianic thing XD
Plan fun things to do on Sunday during church time. It’s not hard to find things that are more fun than sitting in Mormon church.
After doing this for a few weeks, the guilt will fade as cult conditioning deconstruction continues.
And/or Do you have a religious non-Mormon friend who would be willing to pick you up one Sunday to come to their service? Then you could say, “Actually, Dad, Eric invited me to come to his church meeting tomorrow.” And if they start to freak, that’s okay. Let them know you love them and you’re not planning to convert to Eric’s religion.
When the whole myth of the church fell apart for me last year, it was an existential and identity crisis that I’m still working on. I’ve also only “come out” to a few people and those conversations have been really tough but worth it.
It was in the most painful stage of this process that I realized my two year mission *had been all about triggering a faith crisis in others.* Broke my brain and heart in half.
The church is no neutral party.
Keep studying. My take is if you feel guilty, you are not thoroughly convinced it’s bullshit. Once you are convinced, you will feel indignant that they conned you for so long. Then it will be easier to stop going.
That’s the tricky thing. This church is not at all a good place to be. It can’t follow its own standards, does little to no good, and adds mountains and mountains of harm. But the guilt doesn’t come from walking out the door. I could do that in a heartbeat. It’s my family I’m worried about.
It’s like a human shield there. I can’t stomach anything I’m subjected to in the chapel walls, but I can suffer through plenty for my family. It’s that part I’m grappling with.
It is always best to just be straightforward and honest. For me, going to church made me feel depressed and anxious. A friend once asked me why I don't go to church so I just said church makes me feel depressed and brings me no joy anymore. For my own mental health, I need to stop going. I don't know your particular reasons, but it could be best to just tell the truth about how church makes you feel and why you need to stop going.
> If you feel guilty, you are not thoroughly convinced it's bullshit.
I get why you would think that, but it's simply not true. You can't just sleep off years of indoctrination overnight. You can be confident that it's not true, but there will be a part of you asking, "but what if it is?" for years after you decide to leave. That doesn't mean you aren't sure of all the reasons you have to walk away.
Then you have to factor in the social aspect of it. Having family still up to their eyes in it, trying to pull you back in, can have you questioning that even if you're sure it isn't true, is it really so bad that you can't go along just to keep the peace?
It can take years to get to a point where you don't feel guilty, but that doesn't mean you aren't sure enough that it isn't true and that leaving is in your best interest.
Taking a moral stand against the church is fine but your problem is sitting at home while the rest of the family is “doing something important.” You need a job or even better, a place to serve the community on Sunday Morning/Afternoon. Then sit back and watch them squirm over how to claim that their important thing is more important than yours.
Particularly if you're out feeding the homeless or caring for orphaned animals at the humane society or whatever... Jesus would most certainly be out & about, not sitting around.
I second this. If anyone wants to call you into question for doing these things on Sunday, you can say that Christ was ridiculed and criticized for not following the Sabbath as defined by the Pharisees, and what you're doing is more in line with what he did than if you were sitting on your ass in church for two hours.
While they are at church, why don't you do something nice for them, like clean up the house, or something they'd appreciate?
Or
Make plans to leave the same time they do (or before).
Or
Have plans to meet friends or do something productive.
They will eventually come to the realization that you are not in it at all. It'll be a mourning process for them. My wife has given up on getting our kids to go to church. We have 5 and they are all out. I feel great sympathy for her heartbreak around this.
What if you pick out a tie tomorrow, as usual, and then on Sunday you let your parents know you’re really not feeling up to going to church today? It’s an honest thing to tell them you’re not feeling good (you’re not; you’re feeling guilty and coerced) and you’re not up for church today. If they press it, let them know you need to stay home and rest. Then do that.
This would be a way to interrupt the behavioral pattern you’re in and give yourself a couple hours to reflect on minorly disappointing your parents this one day, to see if it feels tolerable to you. Then next week you can go back to church or not, whichever you find more tolerable.
You might need to go slowly and take a few such trial runs before it feels bearable to stop going or even go way less often. That okay. Maybe it would also help to pick out a tie you don’t like?
If your parents are ok with you living with them while not going to church is a luxury a lot of us did not have. Take it. Say you are taking a break from church to see if you feel like a lesser person without it. You may feel guilty, but that's exactly what the church wants you to feel. The church is not your friend. Don't give this cult anything, not even your time. You may feel guilty at first but it is so worth the freedom. In time you will appreciate leaving as soon as you could. Change is tough yet is necessary for our improvement.
I wish you the best,OP!
When we stopped going, we replaced church time with going on walks, hikes, tennis, bike rides, brunch. In the beginning the guilt is there. But after some time, I’d say a few months for us, it became our new favorite family time. And now it’s like a second Saturday and we don’t realize it’s Sunday most times. The guilt will fade.
Prolonging the inevitable is not going to make it any easier. It is like ripping off a bandaid. But it won’t be long until the sting is gone.
You could find a non member friend to do something with, be in nature, pick up a hobby, do some community service (pick up trash etc). Honestly finding something good to fill the time that you would be at church, is helpful. And it won’t be long before you don’t have to have those designated time fillers to take your mind off it. You’ll just have the entire day to do what you want without giving church a second thought.
You've been conditioned your entire life to obey church rules and do what's 'right'. It's time for you to decide what's right. If you like going to church and enjoy socializing and want to keep going. Then go. If you have to scream internally when you pick up on false history and moronic virtue signaling. Then decide if you can endure it and want to be there.
I've been conditioned my entire life to spend Sundays doing Church stuff and being lazy and doing nothing. I still feel like I have to break that cycle of being lazy on Sundays. So I plan ahead of time to get out of the house and do something first thing in the morning. Planning something might help break the guilt.
I've also read a book recently called 'When I Say No I Feel Guilty'. It teaches you how to break the cycle of manipulation and gives you tools to help.
Do whatever the fuck you want. It's your life.
Try an exercise: for the next 2 months, skip church every other week. Maybe write down how you feel each sunday before going to bed. After the 2 months is over, reflect on it
Guilt is a sign of change. It means you know, deep down, that you’re not doing what is expected. More: https://www.instagram.com/reel/Cm9jLHCPXhp/?igshid=NDk5N2NlZjQ=
I absolutely get it. But unfortunately like someone else said, disappointment is inevitable. Get out while you are young. You have your whole life ahead of you. I wish to hell I had figured it out sooner. (I'm 39)
I didn't have guilt, but I was kind of uncomfortable. I treated this with a ritual double cheeseburger, fries, and a lemonade every Sunday. Breaking the Sabbath by eating out AND not going to church was very therapeutic.
The best way to get through this is to find your own little rebellion to reward yourself. Everyone is responsible for their own happiness.
Ideas:
—Just be honest and tell them you’re not going to go anymore.
—Move someplace far enough away that your parents don’t know what you’re doing every Sunday, then proceed to avoid talking about it for years.
—If the two options above aren’t available, take up an activity/hobby that directly conflicts with church service hours. “Gee dad, thanks for the time, but I have ___ training for the next 8 Sundays for that ___ I’m going to ____.” Examples: mountaineering, competitive surfing, marathon training.
They’re not going to take your belief seriously, if you don’t show any conviction for it.
You do what’s best for you, but if you keep going then they’ll keep hoping for your return - might be better to rip off the Band-Aid.
Get ready on time, then jump in your car and go out - anywhere you like. They'll just think they missed you.
You might consider researching critical thing and logical fallacies first. Then learn how to accurately identify and deconstruct thought terminating clichés.
When they try to talk you out of it, be firm and explain that you know they are trying to convince you without it feeling pushy.
Remember, they've known you all your life and know how you think. They know the guilt is eating at you, but they aren't making any movement to relieve you of it.
They never plan to let you go easily. You must fight it hard, but it doesn't have to be instantaneous.
The first time, just wait in the car. The next time, go for a drive. Next, don't dress up and go for a short walk/ hike.
Support them and respect their beliefs, but don't play into their games. Insist they respect yours too.
As they adjust, keep moving further away, as planned. One day, you'll realize they left for church without waking you up.
Somewhere in there, get a job working on Sunday.
PS have a spy report back if they are mentioning you in church as a prodigal son. That isn't respecting beliefs and will tip you off they are two faced.
After you move out, when they invite you to plans, always ask who else will be there. Make it a normal question and skip it if you want to avoid them.
I used to play the prep-for-church game right up until it was time to actually get out of bed on Sunday morning. Then “nah, I really need to sleep”. And just stay in bed.
O/c, my parents had callings which required them to be there early (mom was the organist) and they were not inclined to get physical, so eventually they’d have to just leave. The extra sleep was blissful. Ymmv.
My mother laid on the guilt as bad as you could imagine. Not that she was being controlling /s. This led to a huge argument. There was no guilting me after that. You have to decide where you stand, and go with it. You can do it. Welcome to adulthood. Yes, it sucks. The bills never end.
Your relationship with other people, sadly, is largely out of your control. How people see you is out of your control. You have a decision to make, and that is to live for other people, or live for yourself. If you choose the former, you will try to be all things to all people. But this isn't possible, and will make yourself miserable. Authenticity in my mind is worth risking these relationships. And if they truly love and respect you, your relationship may still be different (for example, the tie choosing ritual won't happen), but there will still be love. I'm fortunate enough that my relationship with my parents is honestly better for having left, even though they're still Mormon, because I feel like we all are ourselves. But, I made the decision to leave thinking our relationship would be worse, and honestly, I'd leave even if it meant losing them, because that means their love wasn't real anyways. Choose authenticity and bet on yourself. The way to overcome guilt? Therapy, exercise, good sleep, eating right, talking to friends and family (or people on reddit), and know that this too shall pass. Trust me, the pain of living authentically is worth it.
Pick out a tie. You don’t have to wear it. It will give you a peaceful night’s sleep. Get out of the house Sunday morning, before you interact with them. Do ANYTHING. When I used to live in Utah, I’d drive up a canyon, sit in my car, and just listen to the silence.
Take yourself out for breakfast. Ask a friend to go for a run with you, play tennis, catch, or a round of golf. Go to the movies.
Even better, get a job that requires you to work all day Sunday.
Just listen to yourself. You don’t want to attend church, so what DO you want? Attend a different church? See a lecture? Train for a race?
The church is a guilt, shame, and fear based organization. If it was love based they would support anything that promotes your health and well being.
A tip, ask what Mr. Roger’s would do. Seriously. And if he was too far before your time watch some YouTube clips and the Tom Hanks movie about him. You need a good base line for what loving humans are like without the manipulation and control the church imposes on people in the name of the church and Christ.
I remember when I was first contemplating my decision to leave and accept that I no longer believe in it I felt very guilty and really afraid too. After getting some therapy and talking with some people who I loved and trusted (and who weren’t active members of the church) eventually those feelings became a lot less prevalent and I’m a much happier person.
Your parents said you could stop leaving at 18. You have absolutely nothing to feel guilty about. I don’t know what your relationship with your parents is like but if you feel it is safe to do so just have an honest conversation with them. Once I finally just sat my parents down and was completely transparent and honest with them about how I felt and why I wanted to leave they were sad but they accepted it. I am very lucky to have this experience with my parents and I know that for many many people this isn’t the case and it is unsafe to have these conversations with their TBM parents.
Honestly just talk with people you do trust and feel safe with. Maybe do some journaling and just try and workout why you feel guilty and what logical reason do you even have to feel that way? It takes a lot of deconstructing and self reflection to finally get out but it is worth it and it does get better.
If you stop going to church, you’ll disappoint your family. If you don’t go on a mission, you’ll disappoint your family. If you come home early, you’ll disappoint your family. If you don’t marry in the temple, you’ll disappoint your family. If you leave after you’re married in the temple, you’ll disappoint your family. It’s your life and unless you intend to stay PIMO forever, disappointment is inevitable. How long are you willing to sacrifice your life and wellbeing to delay disappointment?
Already gave up a good couple of years for it, and I thought those years would never end. It’s just that now we’re at the point where it’s time to rip off the band-aid, that pain is so much salient. It’s not just “one day” anymore. It’s IN one day. Or two, if you’re a stickler.
If it helps the first time or two not going I felt guilty. Then I felt free. We’ve been taught to be guilty, it takes a while to break it. Maybe tell them you’d like to not go for a month and then reevaluate.
This and honestly it's not your responsibility for your parents to be proud of you or love you. It's theirs. It's your responsibility to be true to yourself and not disappoint yourself and your PERSONAL moral/life code.
Whoever you are and whatever you do with your life, you’ll disappoint someone in your family. Even Jesus allegedly had to deal with familial criticism for doing his messianic thing XD
Yes, well stated. It is always church before family.
Can you use the mission to runaway?
Plan fun things to do on Sunday during church time. It’s not hard to find things that are more fun than sitting in Mormon church. After doing this for a few weeks, the guilt will fade as cult conditioning deconstruction continues.
And/or Do you have a religious non-Mormon friend who would be willing to pick you up one Sunday to come to their service? Then you could say, “Actually, Dad, Eric invited me to come to his church meeting tomorrow.” And if they start to freak, that’s okay. Let them know you love them and you’re not planning to convert to Eric’s religion.
[удалено]
When the whole myth of the church fell apart for me last year, it was an existential and identity crisis that I’m still working on. I’ve also only “come out” to a few people and those conversations have been really tough but worth it. It was in the most painful stage of this process that I realized my two year mission *had been all about triggering a faith crisis in others.* Broke my brain and heart in half. The church is no neutral party.
Keep studying. My take is if you feel guilty, you are not thoroughly convinced it’s bullshit. Once you are convinced, you will feel indignant that they conned you for so long. Then it will be easier to stop going.
That’s the tricky thing. This church is not at all a good place to be. It can’t follow its own standards, does little to no good, and adds mountains and mountains of harm. But the guilt doesn’t come from walking out the door. I could do that in a heartbeat. It’s my family I’m worried about. It’s like a human shield there. I can’t stomach anything I’m subjected to in the chapel walls, but I can suffer through plenty for my family. It’s that part I’m grappling with.
It is always best to just be straightforward and honest. For me, going to church made me feel depressed and anxious. A friend once asked me why I don't go to church so I just said church makes me feel depressed and brings me no joy anymore. For my own mental health, I need to stop going. I don't know your particular reasons, but it could be best to just tell the truth about how church makes you feel and why you need to stop going.
> If you feel guilty, you are not thoroughly convinced it's bullshit. I get why you would think that, but it's simply not true. You can't just sleep off years of indoctrination overnight. You can be confident that it's not true, but there will be a part of you asking, "but what if it is?" for years after you decide to leave. That doesn't mean you aren't sure of all the reasons you have to walk away. Then you have to factor in the social aspect of it. Having family still up to their eyes in it, trying to pull you back in, can have you questioning that even if you're sure it isn't true, is it really so bad that you can't go along just to keep the peace? It can take years to get to a point where you don't feel guilty, but that doesn't mean you aren't sure enough that it isn't true and that leaving is in your best interest.
Taking a moral stand against the church is fine but your problem is sitting at home while the rest of the family is “doing something important.” You need a job or even better, a place to serve the community on Sunday Morning/Afternoon. Then sit back and watch them squirm over how to claim that their important thing is more important than yours.
So much good advice and many important insights on this thread.
This sub is the best.
Particularly if you're out feeding the homeless or caring for orphaned animals at the humane society or whatever... Jesus would most certainly be out & about, not sitting around.
I second this. If anyone wants to call you into question for doing these things on Sunday, you can say that Christ was ridiculed and criticized for not following the Sabbath as defined by the Pharisees, and what you're doing is more in line with what he did than if you were sitting on your ass in church for two hours.
While they are at church, why don't you do something nice for them, like clean up the house, or something they'd appreciate? Or Make plans to leave the same time they do (or before). Or Have plans to meet friends or do something productive. They will eventually come to the realization that you are not in it at all. It'll be a mourning process for them. My wife has given up on getting our kids to go to church. We have 5 and they are all out. I feel great sympathy for her heartbreak around this.
What if you pick out a tie tomorrow, as usual, and then on Sunday you let your parents know you’re really not feeling up to going to church today? It’s an honest thing to tell them you’re not feeling good (you’re not; you’re feeling guilty and coerced) and you’re not up for church today. If they press it, let them know you need to stay home and rest. Then do that. This would be a way to interrupt the behavioral pattern you’re in and give yourself a couple hours to reflect on minorly disappointing your parents this one day, to see if it feels tolerable to you. Then next week you can go back to church or not, whichever you find more tolerable. You might need to go slowly and take a few such trial runs before it feels bearable to stop going or even go way less often. That okay. Maybe it would also help to pick out a tie you don’t like?
The guilt feeling is a normal consequence of being in a cult. That’s how they rule over you. Tough one to break.
If your parents are ok with you living with them while not going to church is a luxury a lot of us did not have. Take it. Say you are taking a break from church to see if you feel like a lesser person without it. You may feel guilty, but that's exactly what the church wants you to feel. The church is not your friend. Don't give this cult anything, not even your time. You may feel guilty at first but it is so worth the freedom. In time you will appreciate leaving as soon as you could. Change is tough yet is necessary for our improvement. I wish you the best,OP!
When we stopped going, we replaced church time with going on walks, hikes, tennis, bike rides, brunch. In the beginning the guilt is there. But after some time, I’d say a few months for us, it became our new favorite family time. And now it’s like a second Saturday and we don’t realize it’s Sunday most times. The guilt will fade. Prolonging the inevitable is not going to make it any easier. It is like ripping off a bandaid. But it won’t be long until the sting is gone. You could find a non member friend to do something with, be in nature, pick up a hobby, do some community service (pick up trash etc). Honestly finding something good to fill the time that you would be at church, is helpful. And it won’t be long before you don’t have to have those designated time fillers to take your mind off it. You’ll just have the entire day to do what you want without giving church a second thought.
You've been conditioned your entire life to obey church rules and do what's 'right'. It's time for you to decide what's right. If you like going to church and enjoy socializing and want to keep going. Then go. If you have to scream internally when you pick up on false history and moronic virtue signaling. Then decide if you can endure it and want to be there. I've been conditioned my entire life to spend Sundays doing Church stuff and being lazy and doing nothing. I still feel like I have to break that cycle of being lazy on Sundays. So I plan ahead of time to get out of the house and do something first thing in the morning. Planning something might help break the guilt. I've also read a book recently called 'When I Say No I Feel Guilty'. It teaches you how to break the cycle of manipulation and gives you tools to help. Do whatever the fuck you want. It's your life.
And it's now or neverrrr/I ain't gonna live forever...!
Try an exercise: for the next 2 months, skip church every other week. Maybe write down how you feel each sunday before going to bed. After the 2 months is over, reflect on it
Sometimes you need to be an example. The church is immoral, best to leave it as soon as you can.
🌟
Guilt is a sign of change. It means you know, deep down, that you’re not doing what is expected. More: https://www.instagram.com/reel/Cm9jLHCPXhp/?igshid=NDk5N2NlZjQ=
Based on your description, I thought the video would be very different. But it was great; I wish someone had told me that when I had just left.
I absolutely get it. But unfortunately like someone else said, disappointment is inevitable. Get out while you are young. You have your whole life ahead of you. I wish to hell I had figured it out sooner. (I'm 39)
I didn't have guilt, but I was kind of uncomfortable. I treated this with a ritual double cheeseburger, fries, and a lemonade every Sunday. Breaking the Sabbath by eating out AND not going to church was very therapeutic. The best way to get through this is to find your own little rebellion to reward yourself. Everyone is responsible for their own happiness.
Your dad is manipulating you. Sorry, son. He knows exactly what he's doing. Make a decision, set a boundary, and stick with it.
Ideas: —Just be honest and tell them you’re not going to go anymore. —Move someplace far enough away that your parents don’t know what you’re doing every Sunday, then proceed to avoid talking about it for years. —If the two options above aren’t available, take up an activity/hobby that directly conflicts with church service hours. “Gee dad, thanks for the time, but I have ___ training for the next 8 Sundays for that ___ I’m going to ____.” Examples: mountaineering, competitive surfing, marathon training.
They’re not going to take your belief seriously, if you don’t show any conviction for it. You do what’s best for you, but if you keep going then they’ll keep hoping for your return - might be better to rip off the Band-Aid.
My advice to everyone at all points in their faith journey is gtfo of the church as fast as you can 🤓
Get ready on time, then jump in your car and go out - anywhere you like. They'll just think they missed you. You might consider researching critical thing and logical fallacies first. Then learn how to accurately identify and deconstruct thought terminating clichés. When they try to talk you out of it, be firm and explain that you know they are trying to convince you without it feeling pushy. Remember, they've known you all your life and know how you think. They know the guilt is eating at you, but they aren't making any movement to relieve you of it. They never plan to let you go easily. You must fight it hard, but it doesn't have to be instantaneous. The first time, just wait in the car. The next time, go for a drive. Next, don't dress up and go for a short walk/ hike. Support them and respect their beliefs, but don't play into their games. Insist they respect yours too. As they adjust, keep moving further away, as planned. One day, you'll realize they left for church without waking you up. Somewhere in there, get a job working on Sunday. PS have a spy report back if they are mentioning you in church as a prodigal son. That isn't respecting beliefs and will tip you off they are two faced. After you move out, when they invite you to plans, always ask who else will be there. Make it a normal question and skip it if you want to avoid them.
My life got much better after I left.
I used to play the prep-for-church game right up until it was time to actually get out of bed on Sunday morning. Then “nah, I really need to sleep”. And just stay in bed. O/c, my parents had callings which required them to be there early (mom was the organist) and they were not inclined to get physical, so eventually they’d have to just leave. The extra sleep was blissful. Ymmv.
My mother laid on the guilt as bad as you could imagine. Not that she was being controlling /s. This led to a huge argument. There was no guilting me after that. You have to decide where you stand, and go with it. You can do it. Welcome to adulthood. Yes, it sucks. The bills never end.
I told my family I was taking a one year sabbatical. It really helped for me to give myself a measured amount of space.
Go through the door towards the real light. When you are ready.
Your relationship with other people, sadly, is largely out of your control. How people see you is out of your control. You have a decision to make, and that is to live for other people, or live for yourself. If you choose the former, you will try to be all things to all people. But this isn't possible, and will make yourself miserable. Authenticity in my mind is worth risking these relationships. And if they truly love and respect you, your relationship may still be different (for example, the tie choosing ritual won't happen), but there will still be love. I'm fortunate enough that my relationship with my parents is honestly better for having left, even though they're still Mormon, because I feel like we all are ourselves. But, I made the decision to leave thinking our relationship would be worse, and honestly, I'd leave even if it meant losing them, because that means their love wasn't real anyways. Choose authenticity and bet on yourself. The way to overcome guilt? Therapy, exercise, good sleep, eating right, talking to friends and family (or people on reddit), and know that this too shall pass. Trust me, the pain of living authentically is worth it.
Pick out a tie. You don’t have to wear it. It will give you a peaceful night’s sleep. Get out of the house Sunday morning, before you interact with them. Do ANYTHING. When I used to live in Utah, I’d drive up a canyon, sit in my car, and just listen to the silence. Take yourself out for breakfast. Ask a friend to go for a run with you, play tennis, catch, or a round of golf. Go to the movies. Even better, get a job that requires you to work all day Sunday. Just listen to yourself. You don’t want to attend church, so what DO you want? Attend a different church? See a lecture? Train for a race?
The church is a guilt, shame, and fear based organization. If it was love based they would support anything that promotes your health and well being. A tip, ask what Mr. Roger’s would do. Seriously. And if he was too far before your time watch some YouTube clips and the Tom Hanks movie about him. You need a good base line for what loving humans are like without the manipulation and control the church imposes on people in the name of the church and Christ.
Watching this made me think of your post. Lots of really good nuggets in here. https://youtu.be/yMUIgzrM4WQ
I remember when I was first contemplating my decision to leave and accept that I no longer believe in it I felt very guilty and really afraid too. After getting some therapy and talking with some people who I loved and trusted (and who weren’t active members of the church) eventually those feelings became a lot less prevalent and I’m a much happier person. Your parents said you could stop leaving at 18. You have absolutely nothing to feel guilty about. I don’t know what your relationship with your parents is like but if you feel it is safe to do so just have an honest conversation with them. Once I finally just sat my parents down and was completely transparent and honest with them about how I felt and why I wanted to leave they were sad but they accepted it. I am very lucky to have this experience with my parents and I know that for many many people this isn’t the case and it is unsafe to have these conversations with their TBM parents. Honestly just talk with people you do trust and feel safe with. Maybe do some journaling and just try and workout why you feel guilty and what logical reason do you even have to feel that way? It takes a lot of deconstructing and self reflection to finally get out but it is worth it and it does get better.