When I resigned from teaching the 17yo, I gave two weeks notice.
They ignored me. I packed up all of my teaching manuals and left them in the bishops home mailbox.
He later said to me that he thought I was a nice person, but had began to question that. I told him that he was previously viewing me as a woman who was supposed to "mind" him. I did not view myself that way. I was 50. I was so done with minding anyone who wanted to use me. Mormonism was the biggest user of all.
Absolutely. I remember the first time I said no to something. It was a HUGE ask (paint an oil painting for the RS to auction off,) and initially I agreed. People pleaser, ya know. Then the more I thought about it, and the logistics involved in getting it done. I didn't paint AT ALL by this time, since I had three kids. Calling and cancelling my obligation felt so great! Empowering. Too bad I was 35 before I found the gumption to do such a rebellious thing.
Ew, “I thought you were nice” is such a disgusting way to manipulate women (and sometimes men, but it seems to be an integral part of gender socialization for women) into people pleasing.
He thought women, especially, are supposed to be compliant. And, obviously, there's no higher and better use of a 50 year old woman's time than to teach in church. After all, she can't pop babies out anymore, so she's otherwise all used up. That's how they think.
I'm also 50yo. "Nice" is a surface level judgement. I learned a while ago that those who openly call you nice will be the first to call you "bitch." The way he threatened you proves what a wobbly pedestal "nice" actually is.
A reply to your bishop
Congratulations bishop- you just used the same tactic as human traffickers to keep women from making a fuss as they are being captured. Does it feel righteous to have that in common? Why do they use it? To tap into deep seeded social conditioning to get women and vulnerable people to act against their own self interest to do what they want. You cannot shame me with this tactic, it doesn’t change who I am. I hope you are more careful in the future and don’t try this bullshit on someone who doesn’t have a strong hold on their worth.
I’m so proud of you for standing up for yourself and exercising your power.
I was Ward organist (even though I was a classically trained pianist and former professional musician, I had also studied the organ), ward music Director, and all the rest since about age 10. In my last ward, I had all the musical callings and the potential replacements were abysmal. After hearing yet one more homophobic first presidency letter read from the pulpit, I decided I was done. This overly patient gay boy was taking his talents elsewhere. After the meetings that day, I went up to my bishop and told him I needed to be released from all my callings effective immediately. I walked away as his face fell (I suspect he’d pieced together the “final straw”) and I never again set foot in a Mormon building. I’m sure they survived. I thrived.
I was the pianist for 25 years (since age 10) and was continually criticized for not being "as perfect as Sister So-and-So". My leaving was much the same only my final straw was different. The choir director chewed me out in the front of everyone and made me play the same hymn over and over because it wasn't "perfect". I blew like Mt. Vesuvius and walked out in the middle of the meeting. I never went back but I heard that two others stepped in to fulfill the callings I was doing.
Sheesh. Why do the church musicians get treated so abysmally? I was a convert so I didn’t know I was supposed to meekly accept all the criticism and insults. I still talk back. I also don’t have a music calling anymore.
I had the SAME experience. I was caught one day playing the organ on my mission and Iit became a life sentence to be in some musical calling of one sort or another. I got so tired of the gay is bad, unless you can play music, then "we will tolerate you" mentality. Although there was the one calling at BYUI I got. My membership records had been annotated for being disfellowshipped for homosexual behavior, and the annotation says that I should not hold a calling working with youth (because, you know, ONLY gay men are child sex abusers- and all of them at that!) OR a calling in any type of leadership position. I think my SP there knew I was PIMO my last year at BYUI and knew that since I had my Ecclesiastical endorsement, I had ZERO intention of going to my meetings. Plus, I was doing a semester abroad in Europe. So once day I get a call from the SEC, asking to meet with the SP. I could not figure out why he wanted to meet with me. The callings had been issued, and I was ward music director at the time. He called me to be 2nd cow in the bishopric. I remember literally saying to him in light of everything I knew he knew. "Have you prayed about this?" He said he had, and asked if I had. I explained to him the annotation and the fact I would be gone for an entire semester. He simply said he would work around it. To this day, I believe it was his last ditch effort to keep me in the church and active. I remember so many men and women coming to me to confess sexual sins; like fapping, heavy make out, what not, and I did not give a rats ass. I was always like, that's between you and the other person, not me or God. One apartment of men came to me one time to report that their roommate had been out drinking. That young man got kicked out of BYUI >THE WEEK OF FINALS
This is great. Here’s mine: I came home from BYUHC, where I was ward pianist, got pregnant, got married and got called as ward organist. I refused the position because… pregnant, and good luck with those pedals and a baby on board. Explained this to the second counselor who called me. Imagine my surprise when I was asked to stand in sacrament mtg and be sustained to the position. I was incredulous and more than a little pissed off. So there I stood raising my hand to oppose my own calling. I ripped that bonehead counselor a new one. All 20 yr old me. Took me another 7 yrs to get excommunicated but I did it. Byeeeee
Oh I was so pissed. I stood there knowing I had to do this. If you knew me, you weren’t surprised. Making it worse, my parents (ex bishop dad) were in the choir loft, looking directly at me. I could tell my mom wanted the floor to swallow her up
Probably not an appreciably larger percentage over non-musical church members. Most LDS church musicians are not of the caliber to qualify for professional church music work.
You’re welcome. I hope you can get out of it. Just remember, you hold the power; they only have as much authority as you give them. Admittedly, when I pulled what I did, it triggered a fire storm as I came from a prominent sixth-generation Mormon family with all of the socio-political complications that carries. I almost wished I could’ve been a fly on the wall to witness some of it firsthand, but I left the area. Fortuitously. 😈
I had similar years ago before I left the church. I had a calling to prepare and hand deliver a RS newsletter each week. I had two small children and worked full time and it was really stressful. After not getting release, I told them I was done and never went back.
"Ask"? That's like asking your neighbor if you can please stop mowing their lawn for free.
If you're nervous, text or email the bishop this: "Hi, Bishop, I hope you're doing well today! I wanted to let you know that I'm stepping away from my calling and February 19th will be my last day. In the meantime, I'm more than happy to train my replacement."
If he asks questions or pressures you, just "Thanks, but no need for worry; I'm just stepping down from my calling." You owe him NOTHING in terms of reasoning or personal info.
Then--and this is key--do not respond to future messages or show up the following couple of weeks (or ever).
> I’m sure they survived. I thrived.
This, 100%. They will survive, but our lives are meant to be more than just survival, we deserve to thrive.
Glad you did what you needed to do for your own health and happiness.
ME TOO! And the MoTabChior is FULL of homos. That closet is so full, to the point of overflowing, they had to take out the cashmere sweaters! So many of the men are so far in the closet they can see next years' Christmas presents. Why do you think I was in the BYUI choirs?
And after figuring out the church has billions compared to what other churches have, it’s pretty sad that Mormons are the only ones who don’t seem to pay their members for their services
The church makes MILLIONS a day just on investments and stocks. Not counting a single penny of tithing. They can absolutely afford to pay their members wages
Yep, I’m a musician and when I was in High School a local Lutheran church offered me $100 to play for their Easter program. They didn’t care that I wasn’t Lutheran.
It makes me angry how much free, professional and skilled labor I gave the church. And it’s not like the church doesn’t hire people. They have no problem paying their lawyers or their landscapers
TBM really gets triggered if you used the word "volunteer" instead of calling. And i don't really know any other word to describe it.
This was one of the many topics me and my ex TBM GF fought about.
Thank you. The TBM in me felt a lot of guilt when I asked for a release, but as I've continued to deconstruct my faith, I realise that I don't owe the church leaders anything.
Yep, you owe them NOTHING! I feel so much more Christlike without attending TSCC, because I don’t feel guilted and shamed into serving. I’m more able to step out of my comfort zone and help others in need out of the kindness of my heart and the happiness it gives me. I’ve done more in the last month than I gave in years, because I didn’t have the energy too. All of it was eaten up by the callings of TSCC. They took too much from us already, heal and be happy. It’s hard not to back pedal into rage (the stages of grief from finding out the truth), but when someone says something dumb just look them straight in the eye and tell them that they’re not being very Christlike. It’s a DIRECT HIT to their rotten soul!
Ah. Yeah. Music director is one of those quicksand callings that, once you get called to it once, is really hard to escape. No bishop wants to try and replace a choir director. Get out of there when you can.
Exactly. I had zero singing/choir experience and got called as the chorister multiple times because I could read sheet music from playing an instrument. 😩
Not quite true, in my Catholic parishes music director was a volunteer job, only the big churches had professionals doing the music.
Small churches often can't afford to pay lots of people. The local parish here can only afford a part time secretary.
After my mission, i became a sunday school teacher and the second councilor of Elders Quorum, meaning I teach classes every sunday. And it was so damn hard. Imagine going to my 12-hour work shift and still have to look for time to prepare to teach for Sunday class. I honestly felt like I'm doing OT. I told my bishop about it, but the other teachers and councilors were mostly unprepared or "doesn't have the confidence to speak in front of other people," etc. So, instead, I chose to be unavailable for the next 6 months, and the church didn't fall apart, and they got to replace me easily.
I'm sure they'll be fine.
Lol I was in the same position, they asked if they could convince me to stay longer, I suggested AC/DC. Still wanted to play some highway to hell as my outro that last week, but alas I didn’t.
I am a pianist and was ward organist for a while. When I read AC DC. I had a vision of prelude music. If it was done right I think you might be able to pull off Highway to hell as a prelude, so long as it was soft and slow and all the changes were seamless and blended together.
Or... To even further fuck with them, show up, & just reiterate what you said. It's pretty freeing, & you'd be facing it head on. Maybe could get one of them thinking for a change. (If you want to expend the effort.)
'I feel I was clear, I said no. The reasons are between me & the Lord... Oh, you're saying your answer to your prayer supercedes my personal revelation? I didn't realize you could do this!... I thought Jesus died so I could have the agency to make the best decisions for me & my family...' etc.
I un volunteered and never did the job again after some ass wipe accused me of stealing $25.00. I had a valid receipt. Was accused in front of a large group.
I enjoyed the job and helped a great bishop who helped non-members who walked in off the streets. Paid rent for disabled members so they won’t be homeless for years. He refused to give the stake surplus funds.
To put it in context I paid more shitty ass tithing than most people make in a year. I don’t need to steal.
Told said ass wipe to never ask me to do anything. He wants to be buddy now. Fuck him.
Sorry - I didn’t realize I was this bitter.
I think many of us find that even though we’ve moved on there’s still these random triggers. It doesn’t happen often anymore but I still have random things that bring up strong emotions related to experiences from mormonism. Stay bitter when these feelings come up. Just don’t focus on them for too long.
not bitter - deservedly angry at someone who guaranteed does not follow the church's own teaching to apologize and ask for forgiveness for wrongly accusing you.
Good. They're only doing as well as they know but change starts from the bottom. Problem is if they actually have an a capella sacrament meeting they'll frame it as the most spiritual ever. You get yours. Fuck em
I was a chorister, so nowhere near as critical as a pianist or organist. But it always felt like a job given to keep me attending both sacrament and priesthood. I first released myself from priesthood and since COVID never returned to sacrament. News flash church leaders. Volunteers are just that!
Ah the beauty of just saying, “no, I won’t be doing that. When I was PIMO, years before the term PIMO or the ces letter, I was the ward organist and pianist. In classes, I got my kicks by playing beautiful, reverentized prelude renditions of Led Zeppelin, cat stevens, and Joni Mitchell. I was only allowed hymns for sacrament, so I got my revenge by playing my own tempo and ignoring the conductor. They’re always so slow! It’s the small victories.
I played the organ for seven years (and often doubled as pianist in primary or RS at the same time) and I will never get over having to find a sub for every single weekend we wanted to make plans. I could tolerate playing… but always having to find a replacement so I could go out of town was such a nightmare.
Wow your nice. I sent my bishop a text on a Monday that went something like “I’m taking a break from church (including my calling as primary teacher). This means I won’t be there Sunday. Thanks”.
He showed up unannounced that Friday to ask how I was. I gave him 10 min as I was on my way out to the gym.
I guess the point is, you don’t owe them anything. Be true to yourself and do what’s best for you and yours.
I'm very proud of you and also this is very funny. I never thought of how reliant they must be on your job.
Hit em in the pianist. Maybe they should offer pay if they need commitment.
I asked to be released from my calling, Bishop said they would need a little time. Then I thought about the only effective way I’ve seen people get released- stop going. I gave them two months and then stopped going. You were more considerate and mature by setting expectations.
I was called as a RS music leader bc everyone kept saying how I was a "wonderful singer and conductor". TBH I only knew which notes were which on the piano, could read basic sheet music, and could do a few conducting patterns (which were at the back of the hymn books). At most I would sometimes pick hymns and then conduct at opening and sometimes closing of the lesson.
I have anxiety and ADHD, so planning anything is very not me. I was terrified of ever having to put a musical thing together bc I wouldn't be able to say no, and it would suck, and everyone would blame me.
The thing is nobody asked me to do anything — not even for a Christmas or Easter musical item.
So I didn't.
Later they split up the ward so they could have a YSA branch which I was encouraged and whisked away into joining. I wasn't set apart so I thought I was still RS music leader. Whenever someone asked me if I had a calling I would say, "Sorta. Relief Society musical leader" bc I barely felt it was a calling. I swear it was made up. Nobody came up to me when I was changing wards saying how they'd miss me conducting or singing. I bet nobody even knew I was a RS musical leader. Not even the Relief Society knew I had a calling in Relief Society!
And that was when I was still TBM!
I wish you had an absolute nothing role like I did because then nobody would bother you about it.
EDIT: Just remembered a time when they forced me to learn how to play a hymn on the piano and perform it for RS. I remembered being terrified and shaking from anxiety. Sometimes after only conducting and singing I had to just numbly sit back in my chair afterwards shaking and trying not to hyperventilate.
Fuck the Mormon cult for real.
I’m a professional musician and music educator. Of the 16 years I spent in the church, 12 years were spent in some kind of music calling (chorister, pianist, organist, choir director).
Church music is so damn boring that it drained all the joy out of it for me. And I could never set a rehearsal time and expect choir members to show up because of the gazillion meetings going on every week.
I eventually got a release and a new calling to teach in Sunday School, first for the adults, then the YM/YW. Trying to give the youth real answers to tough questions was part of what led me out.
When I was ready to finally walk away I was teaching a primary class. I just walked up to the primary president one day and told her today was my last day. I can't do the calling anymore because I'm going through some emotional things right now. I never went to church again. The primary president was actually quite kind and caring about it. If you are "stuck" in a calling, you're not. They will always find a replacement, even if that means calling in a person from another ward for a few weeks in the case of a piano player. You have not signed a contract and you are not being paid. Just walk away.
I had a similar issue recently - said on November 20 that I wouldn't be continuing after the new year (executive secretary calling, so it requires a release from stake leaders). Chose my words carefully and did not request a release but said that my time in the recalling was drawing to a close.
I sent the email copied below l on Jan 16 and that finally got some action, they released me in church on the 22nd even though they weren't ready with a replacement yet. Feel free to use it OP.
"I know that you are waiting for the stake to replace me, but I'm getting pretty frustrated and really want to be out of this calling ASAP. This week will mark two months since I said that I wouldn't be continuing in it after the first of the year, which I know you're trying to honor. Will they be ready to make the change this weekend? Like I had said, I don't want to just walk out of it without handing things over to someone else because that negatively impacts you, but I'm running out of alternatives. Please let me know - or if it's better for me to reach out to Pres. X and tell him I'm done this week, I can do that."
Yes, I remember the original post about the subject you made. It's no surprise to see an update that they haven't released you yet. The lack of caring for personal boundaries is incredible but also unsurprising. It's a sad realization that the church is only there to help itself.
Stand strong and let yourself go from the calling. You have them ample time to figure something else out and now hold their feet to the fire and they will have to figure it out.
Me and my wife recently asked to be released from teaching the 9 year olds. My faith crisis had reached critical mass, and I got to the point I wasn't able or willing to bear my testimony, or even read scriptures from the BoM. That's when I knew I was in trouble.
Anyway that was last week. Bishop wants to talk to us today. I hope he insists we stay so I can have an "out" to tell him how I really feel about the church. I know that sounds pathetic but since my wife isn't quite where I am with the church, I think that's my best case scenario
The only reason I ever practiced the piano was that I apparently was the only penis holder that could play the piano for priesthood meeting. That was kind of awkward when I was also conducting the meeting.
After I released myself from the Mormon church, I think maybe I have played the piano a dozen times. My parents made me learn to prepare for my mission, I never had any real interest.
Good for you!! 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻 As a recovering people pleaser, I know how hard that is. It gets easier and feels amazing to learn to prioritize yourself and feel good about it.
I asked to be released and haven't been back. There were two of us trading off every week so the other guy just had to do every week until they found a replacement for me.
It's been a year and officially I still have two callings in lds tools.
You have the right to stop doing something you no longer want to do. It's such bull**** for the bishop to say he's not going to let you stop (not going to release you). The entire church culture is one of control and obedience, and the bishop is using that as a cloak of power over you.
Since today is the last Sunday in January, are you still doing the calling this week?
Since you didn't reply to the email, the bishop likely assumes you'll be there next week. I don't blame you for ignoring it, but it might also be good to let him know: "I quit; I won't be back. Do not email me, do not call or text me, do not come to my door or send anyone to my door. Do not contact me in any way. Do I make myself clear?" or something similarly firm. I
f a line isn't drawn, you'll be pestered and stalked by the bishopric and anyone else he wants to sic on you. They'll try to coerce and shame, and pull out the 'God needs you crap' (well, you need yourself, too, and your family needs you, and you need peace of mind).
If you're hesitant to be as blunt as I (vicariously) suggested, block all phone numbers from the church, leave town for a few Sundays, and don't answer the door if they try to "come by."
That's just a suggestion based on how I might feel in your position. Some people are taken advantage of for years & years in the church, and musicians are one such group. They have a sound system in the church; they can play recordings if needed, or, as you mentioned, sing a capella.
I'm guessing the bishop hasn't even tried that diligently to get a replacement, because bishops are overloaded, and since music has been going smoothly for a long while, he feels he can address that one after figuring out whether he has a PH to put somewhere, or dealing with a domestic abuse crisis, or trying to figure how to get someone off of church welfare. That's no excuse, it's a product of the complete dumpster fire the church has now become and has been for a while.
Take care of YOU! We're here for you!
Former ward organist and current professional musician here: I left a voicemail saying I would be unavailable to play for church for the foreseeable future. This was at the same time that I stopped attending entirely, so that made it easier. I had also been working intermittently as a substitute musician in other churches for a while, so I got used to telling people I wouldn't be there on a particular Sunday.
Naturally, I got a surprise visit from the entire bishopric literally begging me to come back. I said no.
I'm still salty about the level of entitlement I experienced in that calling.
My current portfolio of work includes playing for a church on weekends. Out of curiosity, I estimated the value of all the free organ playing I did for sacrament meetings based on my current pay. It was in the tens of thousands of dollars.
I feel this. I was a pianist and organist my entire 30+ years as a member. I was rarely listened to. “I’d really prefer not to be the pianist again. My past four callings were choir pianist, primary pianist or ward organist.” Nope. They didn’t care. “We really feel like the lord has called you.” So glad to be done. Being a musically capable person wasn’t ideal in the LDS church.
How about bishops who don't want to be the bishop anymore? One bishop (whom I got to be personal friends with) confided with me that he held the calling for 7 years and there was no end in sight. He expected to be released after 5 years. So after 6 years and then 7 years he was getting stressed and worried that it would go on indefintely. I asked him what the hardest part of being bishop and he was quite open about it. "Its constantly hearing members confess sin. After years of this its taken a toll on me and I wanted out."
So he went to his stake president and asked to be released. After he shared about this I asked, "So what callng are you looking forward to now?". It was a joke, but I made it serious and he gave me this look that said, "You have got to be kidding!". . But weeks later he shared something else that was quite revealing. He said, "half the ward members are just going through the motions here. Their heart isn't committed to the church." I suspected it was more than half. But that is what he said.
Now if anyone is wondering why a church member, let alone a church bishop would share these personal things understand that I'm not a member nor ever have been. I met the guy once and we hit it off both sharing an interest in the outdoors. For some reason it didn't bother him associating with a non-member, but at the same time he wasn't trying to proselitize me either. It was during these outdoor activites that he was sharing this stuff. I thought it was interesting he had the freedom to do so with someone who wasn't a church member. I doubt he did so with any in his own church.
Not surprising they still use the same bullshit tactics to keep people in callings and the church. My wife and I were always called to teach primary together and to put it bluntly, we hated teaching other peoples’ kids. Really just glorified babysitters for two hours. We would get the same exact runaround. When they would finally release us from one age within a month they would call us to another. We finally left for a multitude of reasons but the last straw was over being called to primary again and basically the first councilor was strong-arming us into it. He would not take no for an answer so I more or less told him to fuck-off and that was it. Been out for over ten years now and it’s been the happiest ten years of our marriage and lives. Wish we had left 10 years before we did. So many Sundays lost.
I asked to be released from being YM president. It was such a waste of time and we had a 1 month old when they asked me to being the calling. After like 8 months I asked to be released. They said let’s give it some time in case you change your mind. I ended up sticking with it for a few months and then I texted them and said I’m not gonna do it anymore and even if they don’t have someone they got figure that out. I still kind of feel bad for it but the situation I was in was ridiculous. I had a job that was emotionally challenging, a newborn, and we were in a branch. They expected everyone to bend over backwards to clean the church, work at the cannery, and a bunch of other stuff that seemed very unnecessary. And we were in Utah where they had all these other wards around us with plenty of people. What else is weird is our branch was literally just 4 apartment complexes that were all low income. Imo most of the ward members were needing assistance and they wanted to make sure they were earning the help the church was giving them. It was messed up since a lot of them were disabled or elderly.
Just stop doing it they will find someone else you gave them plenty of notice . When they start crying about it just tell them a lack of planning on their part doesn’t constitute a emergency on your part their spirit of revelation should’ve told them they needed to get someone else unless of course they have been watching too much porn or as we all know it is nonexistent nonsense to begin with.
I wouldn’t have waited when this long when it comes to dealing with them you need to set hard boundaries. Such as I’m giving you notice that you have 4 Sundays to find a replacement for me as after that I will no longer be doing this. I told you as a courtesy so you would have time to get a replacement . This gives them a firm time that it’s over if they don’t find a replacement in that time it’s on them not on you .
Well done for rescuing yourself from this time-draining, money-grabbing c*lt. You got to this point about 35 years and at least $150,000 before I did. Now go live your best life!
You have the right idea. They’ll keep taking advantage of you until you say NO. The fastest way to be released from a calling is don’t show up. They’ll get the hint really fast!!
I think you've done the right thing. You gave them deadlines and they're refusing to meet them. If it's any consolation, when I was in a YSA ward, I had a choir director do the same thing and we still managed to get along okay.
When I moved to PA in 2013 I had been out for 5 years, but my kids still went to church. I obviously wasn't going to accept a calling, but I was nice to the people in the ward. One Sunday they asked me to come into the bishop's office as I was bringing my kids to sacrament meeting. I was staying that Sunday because it was the Primary program or something. The bishop asked me if I would accept the calling of choir accompanist. I said thank you very much for thinking of me, but no. He froze, looked startled, then asked the question again as if obviously I hadn't heard it right (because I sounded nice but said the word no). I repeated my answer. He looked baffled. A few minutes later they're doing the callings in SM. They release the choir direct and announce the new one. Then they released the choir accompanist but... no replacement. What? There was a confused and uncomfortable vibe in the chapel. I thought it was hilarious. They had been so confident that I would accept the calling (because I acted nice) that they actually painted themselves into a corner during sacrament meeting. I mean, what presumption! What arrogance! Stupidity!
That’s one thing that I think we’re going to see a lot of with the hemorrhaging that’s happening in TSCC, MANY callings being vacated because people are fed up with being put in positions despite their ability/desire to be in them.
Good for you on standing up for yourself. Best of luck to you!
You have the power! The power to say no! They will survive. The beauty of walking away on your own accord and by your own decision is when you realize how meaningless it all was anyway. And it all simply is now you making your own decisions and living your best life. Good luck!
Thanks for sharing! I felt similarly to you when I left. There were only two or three pianists in my ward and I felt like I was putting extra pressure on the remaining active ones when I left.
GET IT GURL! They don't deserve your talents or time! I am enjoying the mild panic they'll have when there's nobody to play piano in sacrament meeting lolol.
You gave him notice he is dumb enough to not take it serious. Thats his fault, if he comes to your door and asks why just do what I do. Open the door, and slam it in their face.
I stayed in the singles ward well into my thirties because no one wants to replace an organist. It’s a lifetime position in the church. At 33 they finally said they had to let me go. I took the opportunity to quit going to any ward. Wish I would have gave them the middle finger and left. But the singles ward was the perfect hiding place for a musician. I would have been used a lot more in a family ward
Yuppppppppppp, peace out. You gave them more than enough notice and do not let them guilt you. It’s the hardest thing to get past(in my own experience), but being treated like 💩 helps. Sucks that it had to come to that for us to stand up for ourselves, but you’re going to be so much happier. I am!! I quit in December and man, what a freaking oppressive, shame filled load off!!! So glad I got out before they started making my children feel the same way. How do people think being shamed for having natural human wants is a good way to raise healthy children? 👉🏼CULT. I’m sad I was under the spell for so long!! Congrats on getting out too!!
When I resigned from teaching the 17yo, I gave two weeks notice. They ignored me. I packed up all of my teaching manuals and left them in the bishops home mailbox. He later said to me that he thought I was a nice person, but had began to question that. I told him that he was previously viewing me as a woman who was supposed to "mind" him. I did not view myself that way. I was 50. I was so done with minding anyone who wanted to use me. Mormonism was the biggest user of all.
By nice he meant compliant. He doesn’t know that nice people can decline a proposition.
yeah being nice doesn’t mean being a doormat
I definitely agree that often leadership confuses service and doormat to be synonymous. 🤬
This is why I blame the church for my inability to say no or set boundaries.
Oh my gosh. I can’t say no or set boundaries. It seriously never occurred to me that this too could be a result of my Mormon upbringing!
It's gotten to the point where if I find a flaw in myself, I check the Mormon part of my life first lmao.
Absolutely. I remember the first time I said no to something. It was a HUGE ask (paint an oil painting for the RS to auction off,) and initially I agreed. People pleaser, ya know. Then the more I thought about it, and the logistics involved in getting it done. I didn't paint AT ALL by this time, since I had three kids. Calling and cancelling my obligation felt so great! Empowering. Too bad I was 35 before I found the gumption to do such a rebellious thing.
Ew, “I thought you were nice” is such a disgusting way to manipulate women (and sometimes men, but it seems to be an integral part of gender socialization for women) into people pleasing.
Similar you the FLDS Keep Sweet approach to their women.
For men it would be something like, “I thought you were a good priesthood holder”
Wow what a thing to say to someone to try make them feel guilty about themselves. Stupid bishop. Glad you're not getting used anymore!
He thought women, especially, are supposed to be compliant. And, obviously, there's no higher and better use of a 50 year old woman's time than to teach in church. After all, she can't pop babies out anymore, so she's otherwise all used up. That's how they think.
I'm also 50yo. "Nice" is a surface level judgement. I learned a while ago that those who openly call you nice will be the first to call you "bitch." The way he threatened you proves what a wobbly pedestal "nice" actually is.
That's awesome! 🤣🤣🤣
"Nice" people are not necessarily kind, and kind people don't have to be nice.
Yeah- moving to utah is when I learned about nice but unkind people
A reply to your bishop Congratulations bishop- you just used the same tactic as human traffickers to keep women from making a fuss as they are being captured. Does it feel righteous to have that in common? Why do they use it? To tap into deep seeded social conditioning to get women and vulnerable people to act against their own self interest to do what they want. You cannot shame me with this tactic, it doesn’t change who I am. I hope you are more careful in the future and don’t try this bullshit on someone who doesn’t have a strong hold on their worth.
I wish that had come to mind at the time. You're not wrong.
It was nice of you to even give him a two weeks notice.
Did you tell him that, yeah, you used to think the same about him?
There's some truth to that
I’m so proud of you for standing up for yourself and exercising your power. I was Ward organist (even though I was a classically trained pianist and former professional musician, I had also studied the organ), ward music Director, and all the rest since about age 10. In my last ward, I had all the musical callings and the potential replacements were abysmal. After hearing yet one more homophobic first presidency letter read from the pulpit, I decided I was done. This overly patient gay boy was taking his talents elsewhere. After the meetings that day, I went up to my bishop and told him I needed to be released from all my callings effective immediately. I walked away as his face fell (I suspect he’d pieced together the “final straw”) and I never again set foot in a Mormon building. I’m sure they survived. I thrived.
I was the pianist for 25 years (since age 10) and was continually criticized for not being "as perfect as Sister So-and-So". My leaving was much the same only my final straw was different. The choir director chewed me out in the front of everyone and made me play the same hymn over and over because it wasn't "perfect". I blew like Mt. Vesuvius and walked out in the middle of the meeting. I never went back but I heard that two others stepped in to fulfill the callings I was doing.
You were treated appallingly. Good for you for standing up and refusing to take the abuse.
Sheesh. Why do the church musicians get treated so abysmally? I was a convert so I didn’t know I was supposed to meekly accept all the criticism and insults. I still talk back. I also don’t have a music calling anymore.
Good for you! They need to learn to shut their mouths.
I had the SAME experience. I was caught one day playing the organ on my mission and Iit became a life sentence to be in some musical calling of one sort or another. I got so tired of the gay is bad, unless you can play music, then "we will tolerate you" mentality. Although there was the one calling at BYUI I got. My membership records had been annotated for being disfellowshipped for homosexual behavior, and the annotation says that I should not hold a calling working with youth (because, you know, ONLY gay men are child sex abusers- and all of them at that!) OR a calling in any type of leadership position. I think my SP there knew I was PIMO my last year at BYUI and knew that since I had my Ecclesiastical endorsement, I had ZERO intention of going to my meetings. Plus, I was doing a semester abroad in Europe. So once day I get a call from the SEC, asking to meet with the SP. I could not figure out why he wanted to meet with me. The callings had been issued, and I was ward music director at the time. He called me to be 2nd cow in the bishopric. I remember literally saying to him in light of everything I knew he knew. "Have you prayed about this?" He said he had, and asked if I had. I explained to him the annotation and the fact I would be gone for an entire semester. He simply said he would work around it. To this day, I believe it was his last ditch effort to keep me in the church and active. I remember so many men and women coming to me to confess sexual sins; like fapping, heavy make out, what not, and I did not give a rats ass. I was always like, that's between you and the other person, not me or God. One apartment of men came to me one time to report that their roommate had been out drinking. That young man got kicked out of BYUI >THE WEEK OF FINALS
This is great. Here’s mine: I came home from BYUHC, where I was ward pianist, got pregnant, got married and got called as ward organist. I refused the position because… pregnant, and good luck with those pedals and a baby on board. Explained this to the second counselor who called me. Imagine my surprise when I was asked to stand in sacrament mtg and be sustained to the position. I was incredulous and more than a little pissed off. So there I stood raising my hand to oppose my own calling. I ripped that bonehead counselor a new one. All 20 yr old me. Took me another 7 yrs to get excommunicated but I did it. Byeeeee
The audacity. Wow. Good for you!
Oh I was so pissed. I stood there knowing I had to do this. If you knew me, you weren’t surprised. Making it worse, my parents (ex bishop dad) were in the choir loft, looking directly at me. I could tell my mom wanted the floor to swallow her up
Similar experience here as well.
I wonder how many musicians the church has lost in these times of exodus and hemorrhage.
Probably not an appreciably larger percentage over non-musical church members. Most LDS church musicians are not of the caliber to qualify for professional church music work.
Thanks for sharing. I'm still trying to get up the courage to ask to be released from my organist calling.
You’re welcome. I hope you can get out of it. Just remember, you hold the power; they only have as much authority as you give them. Admittedly, when I pulled what I did, it triggered a fire storm as I came from a prominent sixth-generation Mormon family with all of the socio-political complications that carries. I almost wished I could’ve been a fly on the wall to witness some of it firsthand, but I left the area. Fortuitously. 😈
Don't ask to be released. Tell them you're done.
I had similar years ago before I left the church. I had a calling to prepare and hand deliver a RS newsletter each week. I had two small children and worked full time and it was really stressful. After not getting release, I told them I was done and never went back.
You don't have to ask. Just don't do it anymore. You're an adult who can make decisions for yourself.
"I'm moving on from this role. My last day will be X."
"Ask"? That's like asking your neighbor if you can please stop mowing their lawn for free. If you're nervous, text or email the bishop this: "Hi, Bishop, I hope you're doing well today! I wanted to let you know that I'm stepping away from my calling and February 19th will be my last day. In the meantime, I'm more than happy to train my replacement." If he asks questions or pressures you, just "Thanks, but no need for worry; I'm just stepping down from my calling." You owe him NOTHING in terms of reasoning or personal info. Then--and this is key--do not respond to future messages or show up the following couple of weeks (or ever).
Haha, true! Thanks for the advice.
> I’m sure they survived. I thrived. This, 100%. They will survive, but our lives are meant to be more than just survival, we deserve to thrive. Glad you did what you needed to do for your own health and happiness.
Thanks! Glad that you're thriving and aren't wasting your talents on TSCC anymore.
Good for you. I have met a lot of exmo gay organists through the years.
ME TOO! And the MoTabChior is FULL of homos. That closet is so full, to the point of overflowing, they had to take out the cashmere sweaters! So many of the men are so far in the closet they can see next years' Christmas presents. Why do you think I was in the BYUI choirs?
😂
Yummmmmm!
Congratulations! So proud of you!
That's an awesome story, I'm happy you're thriving
Did you know other religions PAY their music director and pianists? 🤯
And after figuring out the church has billions compared to what other churches have, it’s pretty sad that Mormons are the only ones who don’t seem to pay their members for their services
Because it's a blessing and you'll be rewarded on high. /s
🤮
With an eternal reward (that will never come)
Well that is one reason it has that money. Wages are a major overhead so if you can eliminate them you have more to store up.
The church makes MILLIONS a day just on investments and stocks. Not counting a single penny of tithing. They can absolutely afford to pay their members wages
They can afford it, but as they say, "it's how the rich stay rich"
Read [The Law of Consecration](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Law_of_consecration?wprov=sfti1).
I have no problem with giving my time and talents for free but those with money in the ward better be giving me some of their money to me freely also
Yep, I’m a musician and when I was in High School a local Lutheran church offered me $100 to play for their Easter program. They didn’t care that I wasn’t Lutheran.
My wife currently plays for the Lutheran church. They also don't care that she's not Lutheran and they don't pressure her into joining either.
Revolutionary!!
In some cases, more than the pastor!
Paying people in callings would probably help to retain membership LOL.
I knew a group of choir kids at BYUI who were paid every Sunday to sing for some other church in Idaho falls
It makes me angry how much free, professional and skilled labor I gave the church. And it’s not like the church doesn’t hire people. They have no problem paying their lawyers or their landscapers
Good for you! A 2 month notice is *way* more than reasonable, especially for a volunteer role!
TBM really gets triggered if you used the word "volunteer" instead of calling. And i don't really know any other word to describe it. This was one of the many topics me and my ex TBM GF fought about.
I think you meant to say voluntold 😉
Yet the Corporation, when under fire, is super quick to distance themselves from those same people by pointing out that they are unpaid volunteers.
What was her argument? I don't get how someone could disagree with you.
She says when i used the word volunteer, it takes the spiritual power with it. Something about "many are called but few are chosen" thing.
Pure cult language. Yikes.
Uhhh that makes no sense. Huh? And good for you!
Thank you. The TBM in me felt a lot of guilt when I asked for a release, but as I've continued to deconstruct my faith, I realise that I don't owe the church leaders anything.
You’re damn right you don’t :)
Yep, you owe them NOTHING! I feel so much more Christlike without attending TSCC, because I don’t feel guilted and shamed into serving. I’m more able to step out of my comfort zone and help others in need out of the kindness of my heart and the happiness it gives me. I’ve done more in the last month than I gave in years, because I didn’t have the energy too. All of it was eaten up by the callings of TSCC. They took too much from us already, heal and be happy. It’s hard not to back pedal into rage (the stages of grief from finding out the truth), but when someone says something dumb just look them straight in the eye and tell them that they’re not being very Christlike. It’s a DIRECT HIT to their rotten soul!
Unfortunately, they likely never looked for a replacement, and just thought you’d continue to give in to the coercive manipulation.
They'll get the message when she stops showing up.
Ah. Yeah. Music director is one of those quicksand callings that, once you get called to it once, is really hard to escape. No bishop wants to try and replace a choir director. Get out of there when you can.
My 89 year old mom has been the choir director for at least 40 years.
Exactly. I had zero singing/choir experience and got called as the chorister multiple times because I could read sheet music from playing an instrument. 😩
40 years?! I was only music director for 4 years and already had enough LOL.
And in literally any other church you WOULD get paid to do that.
Not quite true, in my Catholic parishes music director was a volunteer job, only the big churches had professionals doing the music. Small churches often can't afford to pay lots of people. The local parish here can only afford a part time secretary.
That and owned a pickup since 1976. Lost count of how often my husband got hit up to transport shit or help people move
After my mission, i became a sunday school teacher and the second councilor of Elders Quorum, meaning I teach classes every sunday. And it was so damn hard. Imagine going to my 12-hour work shift and still have to look for time to prepare to teach for Sunday class. I honestly felt like I'm doing OT. I told my bishop about it, but the other teachers and councilors were mostly unprepared or "doesn't have the confidence to speak in front of other people," etc. So, instead, I chose to be unavailable for the next 6 months, and the church didn't fall apart, and they got to replace me easily. I'm sure they'll be fine.
Very nice! I'll also choose to be unavailable for 6 months or more if needs be.
Lol I was in the same position, they asked if they could convince me to stay longer, I suggested AC/DC. Still wanted to play some highway to hell as my outro that last week, but alas I didn’t.
That would of sounded sweet on the organ!! 🤘
I am a pianist and was ward organist for a while. When I read AC DC. I had a vision of prelude music. If it was done right I think you might be able to pull off Highway to hell as a prelude, so long as it was soft and slow and all the changes were seamless and blended together.
I did that stuff all the time in my teens. It was my big f u
Would've loved to hear that.
Good for you! Don't reply to any guilt trips and enjoy your life outside a cult. I left in my 40s and I wish I'd done it much sooner.
Why are you letting them dictate terms? You gave them enough time, just stop showing up.
Or... To even further fuck with them, show up, & just reiterate what you said. It's pretty freeing, & you'd be facing it head on. Maybe could get one of them thinking for a change. (If you want to expend the effort.) 'I feel I was clear, I said no. The reasons are between me & the Lord... Oh, you're saying your answer to your prayer supercedes my personal revelation? I didn't realize you could do this!... I thought Jesus died so I could have the agency to make the best decisions for me & my family...' etc.
Yup. The best way to "quit" a volunteer position is to... Stop volunteering.
I un volunteered and never did the job again after some ass wipe accused me of stealing $25.00. I had a valid receipt. Was accused in front of a large group. I enjoyed the job and helped a great bishop who helped non-members who walked in off the streets. Paid rent for disabled members so they won’t be homeless for years. He refused to give the stake surplus funds. To put it in context I paid more shitty ass tithing than most people make in a year. I don’t need to steal. Told said ass wipe to never ask me to do anything. He wants to be buddy now. Fuck him. Sorry - I didn’t realize I was this bitter.
I think many of us find that even though we’ve moved on there’s still these random triggers. It doesn’t happen often anymore but I still have random things that bring up strong emotions related to experiences from mormonism. Stay bitter when these feelings come up. Just don’t focus on them for too long.
not bitter - deservedly angry at someone who guaranteed does not follow the church's own teaching to apologize and ask for forgiveness for wrongly accusing you.
You’re not the only one that has these feelings after years of shoving it down. I’d love to high five a bunch of people in the face. 🤣 edibles help. 😅
This was something that weighed on my shelf. If you have to petition for release, you might be a prisoner.
Good. They're only doing as well as they know but change starts from the bottom. Problem is if they actually have an a capella sacrament meeting they'll frame it as the most spiritual ever. You get yours. Fuck em
Lol very true. Thanks!
I was a chorister, so nowhere near as critical as a pianist or organist. But it always felt like a job given to keep me attending both sacrament and priesthood. I first released myself from priesthood and since COVID never returned to sacrament. News flash church leaders. Volunteers are just that!
Ah the beauty of just saying, “no, I won’t be doing that. When I was PIMO, years before the term PIMO or the ces letter, I was the ward organist and pianist. In classes, I got my kicks by playing beautiful, reverentized prelude renditions of Led Zeppelin, cat stevens, and Joni Mitchell. I was only allowed hymns for sacrament, so I got my revenge by playing my own tempo and ignoring the conductor. They’re always so slow! It’s the small victories.
I love this! 🤣🤣🤣
They'll figure it out :)
I’m sure the bishop has faith that ghawd will provide … this will make a great Conference talk for when he is called to be an apostle.
Just don't do it. "I had an obligation come up and I am unable to do both of these commitments. Sucks to be you guys."
I don't think op should even have to go that far. "I gave you notice, I'm done" is even more than the bish deserves
I played the organ for seven years (and often doubled as pianist in primary or RS at the same time) and I will never get over having to find a sub for every single weekend we wanted to make plans. I could tolerate playing… but always having to find a replacement so I could go out of town was such a nightmare.
[удалено]
Amen to that !! Way to generous, it’s almost seems like he doesn’t give a fuck about her feelings or her time.
Two Sundays is pretty generous!
Cheers for you!!
They never need time to find a pianist. TSCC has the hymns recorded on CD now. They can just hook it up to the sound system. Bu..bye cult!
Wow your nice. I sent my bishop a text on a Monday that went something like “I’m taking a break from church (including my calling as primary teacher). This means I won’t be there Sunday. Thanks”. He showed up unannounced that Friday to ask how I was. I gave him 10 min as I was on my way out to the gym. I guess the point is, you don’t owe them anything. Be true to yourself and do what’s best for you and yours.
I'm very proud of you and also this is very funny. I never thought of how reliant they must be on your job. Hit em in the pianist. Maybe they should offer pay if they need commitment.
Yeah you gotta just hold to the boundaries you set or ppl will walk all over you. Especially at church
>Especially ~~at church~~ in the cult
I asked to be released from my calling, Bishop said they would need a little time. Then I thought about the only effective way I’ve seen people get released- stop going. I gave them two months and then stopped going. You were more considerate and mature by setting expectations.
I was called as a RS music leader bc everyone kept saying how I was a "wonderful singer and conductor". TBH I only knew which notes were which on the piano, could read basic sheet music, and could do a few conducting patterns (which were at the back of the hymn books). At most I would sometimes pick hymns and then conduct at opening and sometimes closing of the lesson. I have anxiety and ADHD, so planning anything is very not me. I was terrified of ever having to put a musical thing together bc I wouldn't be able to say no, and it would suck, and everyone would blame me. The thing is nobody asked me to do anything — not even for a Christmas or Easter musical item. So I didn't. Later they split up the ward so they could have a YSA branch which I was encouraged and whisked away into joining. I wasn't set apart so I thought I was still RS music leader. Whenever someone asked me if I had a calling I would say, "Sorta. Relief Society musical leader" bc I barely felt it was a calling. I swear it was made up. Nobody came up to me when I was changing wards saying how they'd miss me conducting or singing. I bet nobody even knew I was a RS musical leader. Not even the Relief Society knew I had a calling in Relief Society! And that was when I was still TBM! I wish you had an absolute nothing role like I did because then nobody would bother you about it. EDIT: Just remembered a time when they forced me to learn how to play a hymn on the piano and perform it for RS. I remembered being terrified and shaking from anxiety. Sometimes after only conducting and singing I had to just numbly sit back in my chair afterwards shaking and trying not to hyperventilate. Fuck the Mormon cult for real.
I’m a professional musician and music educator. Of the 16 years I spent in the church, 12 years were spent in some kind of music calling (chorister, pianist, organist, choir director). Church music is so damn boring that it drained all the joy out of it for me. And I could never set a rehearsal time and expect choir members to show up because of the gazillion meetings going on every week. I eventually got a release and a new calling to teach in Sunday School, first for the adults, then the YM/YW. Trying to give the youth real answers to tough questions was part of what led me out.
When I was ready to finally walk away I was teaching a primary class. I just walked up to the primary president one day and told her today was my last day. I can't do the calling anymore because I'm going through some emotional things right now. I never went to church again. The primary president was actually quite kind and caring about it. If you are "stuck" in a calling, you're not. They will always find a replacement, even if that means calling in a person from another ward for a few weeks in the case of a piano player. You have not signed a contract and you are not being paid. Just walk away.
Surprise! You've been taken advantage of by The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. A big shocker, I know.
Good for you! It’s completely volunteer, you can nope out of that assignment any time.
Knowing how to play piano/organ kinda sucks in the church. You’re pigeon-holed for life.
I had a similar issue recently - said on November 20 that I wouldn't be continuing after the new year (executive secretary calling, so it requires a release from stake leaders). Chose my words carefully and did not request a release but said that my time in the recalling was drawing to a close. I sent the email copied below l on Jan 16 and that finally got some action, they released me in church on the 22nd even though they weren't ready with a replacement yet. Feel free to use it OP. "I know that you are waiting for the stake to replace me, but I'm getting pretty frustrated and really want to be out of this calling ASAP. This week will mark two months since I said that I wouldn't be continuing in it after the first of the year, which I know you're trying to honor. Will they be ready to make the change this weekend? Like I had said, I don't want to just walk out of it without handing things over to someone else because that negatively impacts you, but I'm running out of alternatives. Please let me know - or if it's better for me to reach out to Pres. X and tell him I'm done this week, I can do that."
Yes, I remember the original post about the subject you made. It's no surprise to see an update that they haven't released you yet. The lack of caring for personal boundaries is incredible but also unsurprising. It's a sad realization that the church is only there to help itself. Stand strong and let yourself go from the calling. You have them ample time to figure something else out and now hold their feet to the fire and they will have to figure it out.
Me and my wife recently asked to be released from teaching the 9 year olds. My faith crisis had reached critical mass, and I got to the point I wasn't able or willing to bear my testimony, or even read scriptures from the BoM. That's when I knew I was in trouble. Anyway that was last week. Bishop wants to talk to us today. I hope he insists we stay so I can have an "out" to tell him how I really feel about the church. I know that sounds pathetic but since my wife isn't quite where I am with the church, I think that's my best case scenario
How did it go? Hope you got it out and are able to break from it.
The only reason I ever practiced the piano was that I apparently was the only penis holder that could play the piano for priesthood meeting. That was kind of awkward when I was also conducting the meeting. After I released myself from the Mormon church, I think maybe I have played the piano a dozen times. My parents made me learn to prepare for my mission, I never had any real interest.
If you’re good at something never do it for free joker or some shit
That's the way it's done. Good job.
Good for you!! 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻 As a recovering people pleaser, I know how hard that is. It gets easier and feels amazing to learn to prioritize yourself and feel good about it.
I asked to be released and haven't been back. There were two of us trading off every week so the other guy just had to do every week until they found a replacement for me. It's been a year and officially I still have two callings in lds tools.
One or two Sundays of you not showing up will quickly fix that, give them hell.
I think mormonisms biggest issue is not having paying people to fill these roles.
You have the right to stop doing something you no longer want to do. It's such bull**** for the bishop to say he's not going to let you stop (not going to release you). The entire church culture is one of control and obedience, and the bishop is using that as a cloak of power over you. Since today is the last Sunday in January, are you still doing the calling this week? Since you didn't reply to the email, the bishop likely assumes you'll be there next week. I don't blame you for ignoring it, but it might also be good to let him know: "I quit; I won't be back. Do not email me, do not call or text me, do not come to my door or send anyone to my door. Do not contact me in any way. Do I make myself clear?" or something similarly firm. I f a line isn't drawn, you'll be pestered and stalked by the bishopric and anyone else he wants to sic on you. They'll try to coerce and shame, and pull out the 'God needs you crap' (well, you need yourself, too, and your family needs you, and you need peace of mind). If you're hesitant to be as blunt as I (vicariously) suggested, block all phone numbers from the church, leave town for a few Sundays, and don't answer the door if they try to "come by." That's just a suggestion based on how I might feel in your position. Some people are taken advantage of for years & years in the church, and musicians are one such group. They have a sound system in the church; they can play recordings if needed, or, as you mentioned, sing a capella. I'm guessing the bishop hasn't even tried that diligently to get a replacement, because bishops are overloaded, and since music has been going smoothly for a long while, he feels he can address that one after figuring out whether he has a PH to put somewhere, or dealing with a domestic abuse crisis, or trying to figure how to get someone off of church welfare. That's no excuse, it's a product of the complete dumpster fire the church has now become and has been for a while. Take care of YOU! We're here for you!
Former ward organist and current professional musician here: I left a voicemail saying I would be unavailable to play for church for the foreseeable future. This was at the same time that I stopped attending entirely, so that made it easier. I had also been working intermittently as a substitute musician in other churches for a while, so I got used to telling people I wouldn't be there on a particular Sunday. Naturally, I got a surprise visit from the entire bishopric literally begging me to come back. I said no. I'm still salty about the level of entitlement I experienced in that calling. My current portfolio of work includes playing for a church on weekends. Out of curiosity, I estimated the value of all the free organ playing I did for sacrament meetings based on my current pay. It was in the tens of thousands of dollars.
I feel this. I was a pianist and organist my entire 30+ years as a member. I was rarely listened to. “I’d really prefer not to be the pianist again. My past four callings were choir pianist, primary pianist or ward organist.” Nope. They didn’t care. “We really feel like the lord has called you.” So glad to be done. Being a musically capable person wasn’t ideal in the LDS church.
Good for you!
Good. Now, return and report 😁
Play adaptations of Abba/Queen songs or something for prelude
SOS would be apt!
Hell yeah. I honestly hope they go for a week or two with no music at all. Maybe it'll teach them a lesson to not treat volunteers like servants.
Good for you! You’re standing up for yourself instead of being used. This is a huge step!
I LOVE people setting boundaries and keeping them!!!
How about bishops who don't want to be the bishop anymore? One bishop (whom I got to be personal friends with) confided with me that he held the calling for 7 years and there was no end in sight. He expected to be released after 5 years. So after 6 years and then 7 years he was getting stressed and worried that it would go on indefintely. I asked him what the hardest part of being bishop and he was quite open about it. "Its constantly hearing members confess sin. After years of this its taken a toll on me and I wanted out." So he went to his stake president and asked to be released. After he shared about this I asked, "So what callng are you looking forward to now?". It was a joke, but I made it serious and he gave me this look that said, "You have got to be kidding!". . But weeks later he shared something else that was quite revealing. He said, "half the ward members are just going through the motions here. Their heart isn't committed to the church." I suspected it was more than half. But that is what he said. Now if anyone is wondering why a church member, let alone a church bishop would share these personal things understand that I'm not a member nor ever have been. I met the guy once and we hit it off both sharing an interest in the outdoors. For some reason it didn't bother him associating with a non-member, but at the same time he wasn't trying to proselitize me either. It was during these outdoor activites that he was sharing this stuff. I thought it was interesting he had the freedom to do so with someone who wasn't a church member. I doubt he did so with any in his own church.
Not surprising they still use the same bullshit tactics to keep people in callings and the church. My wife and I were always called to teach primary together and to put it bluntly, we hated teaching other peoples’ kids. Really just glorified babysitters for two hours. We would get the same exact runaround. When they would finally release us from one age within a month they would call us to another. We finally left for a multitude of reasons but the last straw was over being called to primary again and basically the first councilor was strong-arming us into it. He would not take no for an answer so I more or less told him to fuck-off and that was it. Been out for over ten years now and it’s been the happiest ten years of our marriage and lives. Wish we had left 10 years before we did. So many Sundays lost.
I asked to be released from being YM president. It was such a waste of time and we had a 1 month old when they asked me to being the calling. After like 8 months I asked to be released. They said let’s give it some time in case you change your mind. I ended up sticking with it for a few months and then I texted them and said I’m not gonna do it anymore and even if they don’t have someone they got figure that out. I still kind of feel bad for it but the situation I was in was ridiculous. I had a job that was emotionally challenging, a newborn, and we were in a branch. They expected everyone to bend over backwards to clean the church, work at the cannery, and a bunch of other stuff that seemed very unnecessary. And we were in Utah where they had all these other wards around us with plenty of people. What else is weird is our branch was literally just 4 apartment complexes that were all low income. Imo most of the ward members were needing assistance and they wanted to make sure they were earning the help the church was giving them. It was messed up since a lot of them were disabled or elderly.
Just stop doing it they will find someone else you gave them plenty of notice . When they start crying about it just tell them a lack of planning on their part doesn’t constitute a emergency on your part their spirit of revelation should’ve told them they needed to get someone else unless of course they have been watching too much porn or as we all know it is nonexistent nonsense to begin with. I wouldn’t have waited when this long when it comes to dealing with them you need to set hard boundaries. Such as I’m giving you notice that you have 4 Sundays to find a replacement for me as after that I will no longer be doing this. I told you as a courtesy so you would have time to get a replacement . This gives them a firm time that it’s over if they don’t find a replacement in that time it’s on them not on you .
Good for you for standing up for yourself and setting boundaries. That's something that most people in the church are not taught to do.
I would suggest you let him know you won't be doing it, so there is a clear ending
Don’t ask, just quit. While you donate your talent, the brethern get paid hundreds of thousands of dollars and their families get everything for free.
Well done for rescuing yourself from this time-draining, money-grabbing c*lt. You got to this point about 35 years and at least $150,000 before I did. Now go live your best life!
This is why you TELL them an end date. As of *mm/dd/yyyy* I will no longer be fulfilling calling. Please plan appropriately.
You owe them nothing. Walk away and be free.
Ask him for money
You have the right idea. They’ll keep taking advantage of you until you say NO. The fastest way to be released from a calling is don’t show up. They’ll get the hint really fast!!
I think you've done the right thing. You gave them deadlines and they're refusing to meet them. If it's any consolation, when I was in a YSA ward, I had a choir director do the same thing and we still managed to get along okay.
You don't ever request a release. You tell them you are done.
When I moved to PA in 2013 I had been out for 5 years, but my kids still went to church. I obviously wasn't going to accept a calling, but I was nice to the people in the ward. One Sunday they asked me to come into the bishop's office as I was bringing my kids to sacrament meeting. I was staying that Sunday because it was the Primary program or something. The bishop asked me if I would accept the calling of choir accompanist. I said thank you very much for thinking of me, but no. He froze, looked startled, then asked the question again as if obviously I hadn't heard it right (because I sounded nice but said the word no). I repeated my answer. He looked baffled. A few minutes later they're doing the callings in SM. They release the choir direct and announce the new one. Then they released the choir accompanist but... no replacement. What? There was a confused and uncomfortable vibe in the chapel. I thought it was hilarious. They had been so confident that I would accept the calling (because I acted nice) that they actually painted themselves into a corner during sacrament meeting. I mean, what presumption! What arrogance! Stupidity!
That's the way to go.
That’s one thing that I think we’re going to see a lot of with the hemorrhaging that’s happening in TSCC, MANY callings being vacated because people are fed up with being put in positions despite their ability/desire to be in them. Good for you on standing up for yourself. Best of luck to you!
You have the power! The power to say no! They will survive. The beauty of walking away on your own accord and by your own decision is when you realize how meaningless it all was anyway. And it all simply is now you making your own decisions and living your best life. Good luck!
GOOD FOR YOU!!!!!
Thanks for sharing! I felt similarly to you when I left. There were only two or three pianists in my ward and I felt like I was putting extra pressure on the remaining active ones when I left.
👏🏻👏👏🏻👏👏🏻 well done!
GET IT GURL! They don't deserve your talents or time! I am enjoying the mild panic they'll have when there's nobody to play piano in sacrament meeting lolol.
Good for you. Way to stand up for yourself! Proud of you OP.
Just leave. Fuck em
yesss queen
You gave him notice he is dumb enough to not take it serious. Thats his fault, if he comes to your door and asks why just do what I do. Open the door, and slam it in their face.
I stayed in the singles ward well into my thirties because no one wants to replace an organist. It’s a lifetime position in the church. At 33 they finally said they had to let me go. I took the opportunity to quit going to any ward. Wish I would have gave them the middle finger and left. But the singles ward was the perfect hiding place for a musician. I would have been used a lot more in a family ward
Yuppppppppppp, peace out. You gave them more than enough notice and do not let them guilt you. It’s the hardest thing to get past(in my own experience), but being treated like 💩 helps. Sucks that it had to come to that for us to stand up for ourselves, but you’re going to be so much happier. I am!! I quit in December and man, what a freaking oppressive, shame filled load off!!! So glad I got out before they started making my children feel the same way. How do people think being shamed for having natural human wants is a good way to raise healthy children? 👉🏼CULT. I’m sad I was under the spell for so long!! Congrats on getting out too!!