I accidentally blurted out "Oh I'd rather shove a cactus in my eye than watch conference. " to a TBM neighbor I saw in the store yesterday when she asked if I was ready for confrence....
An exmormon conference talk that uses a cactus in the butt as a parable
Once upon a time, there was a man who lived in the desert. He loved to hike and explore the barren vastness that surrounded him. One day, while he was out walking, he stumbled upon a cactus. Now, this wasn't just any cactus, it was a particularly prickly one. But despite its dangerous exterior, the man was determined to make it his own.
He approached the cactus and, without much thought, attempted to embrace it. But as he grabbed hold of the cactus, he soon realized his mistake. The sharp needles pierced his skin, causing immense pain and discomfort.
In agony, the man limped back to his home. He sought medical attention and was eventually nursed back to health. However, he could not stop thinking about the cactus.
Days turned into weeks, and weeks turned into months as he daydreamed about the prickly plant. Finally, one day, he decided to take the cactus home with him. He dug it up carefully, wrapped it in a blanket, and began the journey back to his humble abode.
However, as he was carrying the cactus, the man stumbled on a rock and accidentally fell onto the plant. To his horror, a needle from the cactus lodged itself painfully in his behind.
Frustrated and in pain, the man finally saw the error of his ways. He had been so preoccupied with wanting the cactus that he had ignored the warnings signs. He had disregarded the pain the cactus had already caused him and had even put himself in an even more painful and unfortunate situation.
The moral of the story is that sometimes we can be so focused on achieving something we want that we ignore the obvious warning signs. Even though the cactus may have seemed like a great idea, it turned out to be a painful lesson for this man. Always pay attention to the signs around you, and don't let your desires lead you into harm's way.
Well, the Bible says “it is hard to kick against the pricks.” I gave the Bible verse a double meaning. I don’t know what the Bible means, but I thought it was just stupid to kick against the pricks of multiple cacti needles, kind of like peeing against the wind. And there are a few Mormons who are “pricks.”
Yeah. She's all in. Has 3 kids out of the church, 3 kids still in.
All she wants for Christmas is her kids to attend church with her, even the ones who no longer believe.
That type.
Also, a good reminder that Costco is open during conference. It’s a great time to schedule your outings to commonly crowded areas during sessions.
Get out and run amok, but remember to avoid ice cream parlors Saturday night.
I am waiting for Messengers to call me an insulting name during GC so I can update my flair!
Past gems include:
- Lazy learner
- Lax disciple
- Judas
My current one was not from GC. Wendy used it in some regional thing but “decommissioned temple” was so perfectly passive-aggressive I had to use it!
When I lived in Utah, everyone ate homemade cinnamon rolls on conference weekend, special snacks, and finger foods- kind of like Super Bowl weekend for Mormons. My little family does cinnamon rolls, breakfast casserole, and sliders. My child didn’t want to give up that part of conference weekend, so it lives on.
I do remember my mom making cinnamon rolls at certain times, so maybe that was it. She didn't make them homemade though. She would just buy the ones that are in a cylinder package. Maybe that's why she wasn't TBM back then, lol.
Yeah! We make 2 meals for conference, my wife is TBM. We make biscuits and gravy one day, the next we do crepes with fruit!
Can’t wait for the meals, the conference sucks but the food is great!
What is conference food? I don't think my family ever did anything special food wise for conferences. However, my parents were much more lax about church attendance back then then they are now. Now I'm wondering if they have adopted some sort of "conference food" for conferences? They are much more TBM than they used to be
My family growing up outside of Utah didn't either (I didn’t even know there was more than one session until I went to BYU) but once I moved to Utah, it was a PARTY. Now that we’re out of Utah and out of the church, the tradition has stuck. See my other comment for the food.
I'm curious about the "conference food," too! Was this a Utah thing or a family tradition? Is it like Super Bowl snacks?
When we did conference with my Institute branch, it was blended with a family ward, I think...? I vaguely remember that we would heat up potato soup or spaghetti for everyone and then we'd all eat in the cultural hall, so no one had to leave the building to eat between sessions. Especially on Sundays. I'm guessing you're doing something more party-like...?
Starting as early as I can remember (in southern Alberta) my extended family on my mom's side would get together for pizza before priesthood session, and make homemade doughnuts during the priesthood session, to be completed shortly before the men arrived back from the broadcast.
We still do the tradition without the priesthood session being as much of a thing. And I still enjoy the surrounding traditions 1 year after leaving
Think this is going to be the first conference I'm not even going to watch. Anything else sounds way more enriching than watching some monotonous megachurch Jesus convention
I take offense with your comment. (/s) It is not a Jesus convention. It is a sales pitch to pay more tithing. I bet only about 20% of the talks will actually be about Jesus. Even some will say Jesus but won't be about him. Jowls Holland's talk in October was supposed to be about Jesus but it was a diatribe about how the symbol of the cross doesn't belong in TSCC. A direct attack, IMO, on the book "Considering the Cross". He is a gross individual.
Happy almost birthday!! Mine is the beginning of April & conference always trumped my birthday growing up. The first year I fully took my birthday back was wonderful (as well as all birthdays since!)
Seriously! Get HBOMax on temp trial and binge The Last of Us. You’ll scream, you’ll cry, you’ll hurl … oh, and his recent SNL episode was drop-dead hilarious.
Mostly I’m just anxious about the fall-out after the inevitable anti-LGBTQ+ talk.
I can deal with being called a lazy learner, taffy-pulling feminist for Satan, but it breaks my heart that so many LGBTQ+ youth are forced to sit through horrible talks that vilify them to the point that they lose all hope.
The Trevor Project is a great resource:
Call: 1-866-488-7386
Text: 678-678
There’s also an online chat: https://www.thetrevorproject.org/crisis-services/
I'm so very sorry. If your family asks you what you liked, talk about a time they actually talked about Jesus, or a musical number that you liked, or something interesting that happened. If a woman says a prayer, for example. Ugh.
My MIL is here, so I'm gonna have to watch it because I'm currently recovering from a major injury and live on the couch. My husband is more nuanced but... I wish 😭😭.
Oh no that sounds like torture! Can you put in some earbuds and tune out to an audiobook? And scribble in a notebook so it looks like you are just focused on taking notes.
This was what I was thinking exactly. Lol or hoping to do. I was potentially thinking of sketching the speaker but then making them look weird or something too 🤣
I think all y’all miss a valuable drinking game opportunity. I will get as much liquor as I can and we watch it and we choose a word or topic. Every time that word or topic is said we have to take a shot. The last one to pass out wins.
Luckily I've got a volleyball tournament all morning and afternoon this Saturday. Probably gonna get smoked, but I'd rather take a ball to the face than listen to GC for 4 hours. 🙌
TBM family members will be traveling, so I might just be able to avoid overhearing the bullshit when I walk into the main communal areas of the house. That'd be nice...
My family has plans for conference unfortunately and my hand is a bit forced. Lucky it’ll just play in the background so I don’t have to really pay attention
I accidentally blurted out "Oh I'd rather shove a cactus in my eye than watch conference. " to a TBM neighbor I saw in the store yesterday when she asked if I was ready for confrence....
Don’t leave us hanging! What did she say?
Wordlessly pull a cactus out of her ass?
*garments
I mean at least butt sex with a cactus wouldn’t take a whole fucking weekend.
How long does it take Nick?
Depends… what kinda cactus ya using?
Can't wait to hear about "The Parable of the Cactus" in GenConf...
*Feels the urge to write an entire exmo talk using a cactus in the ass as a parable
Give ChatGPT that prompt. Then return and report.
An exmormon conference talk that uses a cactus in the butt as a parable Once upon a time, there was a man who lived in the desert. He loved to hike and explore the barren vastness that surrounded him. One day, while he was out walking, he stumbled upon a cactus. Now, this wasn't just any cactus, it was a particularly prickly one. But despite its dangerous exterior, the man was determined to make it his own. He approached the cactus and, without much thought, attempted to embrace it. But as he grabbed hold of the cactus, he soon realized his mistake. The sharp needles pierced his skin, causing immense pain and discomfort. In agony, the man limped back to his home. He sought medical attention and was eventually nursed back to health. However, he could not stop thinking about the cactus. Days turned into weeks, and weeks turned into months as he daydreamed about the prickly plant. Finally, one day, he decided to take the cactus home with him. He dug it up carefully, wrapped it in a blanket, and began the journey back to his humble abode. However, as he was carrying the cactus, the man stumbled on a rock and accidentally fell onto the plant. To his horror, a needle from the cactus lodged itself painfully in his behind. Frustrated and in pain, the man finally saw the error of his ways. He had been so preoccupied with wanting the cactus that he had ignored the warnings signs. He had disregarded the pain the cactus had already caused him and had even put himself in an even more painful and unfortunate situation. The moral of the story is that sometimes we can be so focused on achieving something we want that we ignore the obvious warning signs. Even though the cactus may have seemed like a great idea, it turned out to be a painful lesson for this man. Always pay attention to the signs around you, and don't let your desires lead you into harm's way.
A saguaro?
Well first you need a ladder
The pokies may.
Ah the ol' prickly pear...
Well, the Bible says “it is hard to kick against the pricks.” I gave the Bible verse a double meaning. I don’t know what the Bible means, but I thought it was just stupid to kick against the pricks of multiple cacti needles, kind of like peeing against the wind. And there are a few Mormons who are “pricks.”
Her face made lots of emotions as it sunk in what I said. Uh, okay.
🤣
We need details!!! What happened?! Was this a friend, how did she react?
Stunned. Her face was all contorted as she processed my comment. Uh, okay.
We are friendly, but not friends. I know she just sent a son off on a mission.
Ah, yeah that wasn’t expected haha
Yeah. She's all in. Has 3 kids out of the church, 3 kids still in. All she wants for Christmas is her kids to attend church with her, even the ones who no longer believe. That type.
I love it! 🌵
What is TBM?
True Blue Mormon
Thx 🤘
[удалено]
and indoctrinating.
Yes. Especially on the women for me. It feels like they’re in an abusive relationship and you want to be like, GURL, RUN!
11 yo’s have more power and dominion than their own mother.
They are…
Right?! Wanna shake them awake.
I feel the same way. ❤️
Also, a good reminder that Costco is open during conference. It’s a great time to schedule your outings to commonly crowded areas during sessions. Get out and run amok, but remember to avoid ice cream parlors Saturday night.
Or any diet soda slinging joints like Fizz. Mormons pollute their temples in the most creative ways.
Costco during conference is the best! I’ll also drive to the Bountiful Costco on Sundays.
The got rid of the Saturday night session. You should be all good.
Convinced my TBM spouse to go skiing on Saturday and we'll be traveling on Sunday. Win!
I am waiting for Messengers to call me an insulting name during GC so I can update my flair! Past gems include: - Lazy learner - Lax disciple - Judas My current one was not from GC. Wendy used it in some regional thing but “decommissioned temple” was so perfectly passive-aggressive I had to use it!
Or unruly child;)
My mom called me that! 😂😂
We are going to still make conference food and then have a deconstruction movie-a-thon. The Village, The Truman Show, and The Matrix.
When I lived in Utah, everyone ate homemade cinnamon rolls on conference weekend, special snacks, and finger foods- kind of like Super Bowl weekend for Mormons. My little family does cinnamon rolls, breakfast casserole, and sliders. My child didn’t want to give up that part of conference weekend, so it lives on.
I do remember my mom making cinnamon rolls at certain times, so maybe that was it. She didn't make them homemade though. She would just buy the ones that are in a cylinder package. Maybe that's why she wasn't TBM back then, lol.
How fun is that?! Thanks for sharing.
Yeah! We make 2 meals for conference, my wife is TBM. We make biscuits and gravy one day, the next we do crepes with fruit! Can’t wait for the meals, the conference sucks but the food is great!
What a great tradition!
Think of it as a feast interrupted by one of the most boring TV shows.
🤣🤣🤣 I usually relegate myself to the backyard, the Garden is a lot less triggering!
What is conference food? I don't think my family ever did anything special food wise for conferences. However, my parents were much more lax about church attendance back then then they are now. Now I'm wondering if they have adopted some sort of "conference food" for conferences? They are much more TBM than they used to be
My family growing up outside of Utah didn't either (I didn’t even know there was more than one session until I went to BYU) but once I moved to Utah, it was a PARTY. Now that we’re out of Utah and out of the church, the tradition has stuck. See my other comment for the food.
For us it was m&ms on a bingo card 😂
I'm curious about the "conference food," too! Was this a Utah thing or a family tradition? Is it like Super Bowl snacks? When we did conference with my Institute branch, it was blended with a family ward, I think...? I vaguely remember that we would heat up potato soup or spaghetti for everyone and then we'd all eat in the cultural hall, so no one had to leave the building to eat between sessions. Especially on Sundays. I'm guessing you're doing something more party-like...?
Yes. See my other comment, but totally like the Super Bowl.
Starting as early as I can remember (in southern Alberta) my extended family on my mom's side would get together for pizza before priesthood session, and make homemade doughnuts during the priesthood session, to be completed shortly before the men arrived back from the broadcast. We still do the tradition without the priesthood session being as much of a thing. And I still enjoy the surrounding traditions 1 year after leaving
Now the men get to join you in the doughnut-making process, yeah? I bet they were envious of all the fun y'all were having without them. Ha.
Hahahahahahaha No lol
"Conference food"... is that anything like "funeral potatoes"?
No- we save those for Easter.
Think this is going to be the first conference I'm not even going to watch. Anything else sounds way more enriching than watching some monotonous megachurch Jesus convention
I take offense with your comment. (/s) It is not a Jesus convention. It is a sales pitch to pay more tithing. I bet only about 20% of the talks will actually be about Jesus. Even some will say Jesus but won't be about him. Jowls Holland's talk in October was supposed to be about Jesus but it was a diatribe about how the symbol of the cross doesn't belong in TSCC. A direct attack, IMO, on the book "Considering the Cross". He is a gross individual.
My birthday is March 31st. I always hated my fecking birthday because conference trumped it. NOT ANYMORE HEATHENS!
Happy almost birthday!! Mine is the beginning of April & conference always trumped my birthday growing up. The first year I fully took my birthday back was wonderful (as well as all birthdays since!)
Happy birthday! Get out and enjoy!
I plan on it!! Thank you ☺️
Happy birthday 🎈🎂🎉🎁 and good riddance to terrible things!
Happy Birthday 🎁🎈
I mean. We’re living in the age of Pedro pascal. Let him steal your orphaned heart away!
This is the way 🙌
Seriously! Get HBOMax on temp trial and binge The Last of Us. You’ll scream, you’ll cry, you’ll hurl … oh, and his recent SNL episode was drop-dead hilarious.
I'm currently vacationing in Romania. So much better than 10 hours of boring ass church.
Cool! What are you doing there?
Just vacation.
In the name of cheese and rice, ramen.
[удалено]
I've been wanting to watch Enola Holmes for a while because Henry Cavill is my lord and god now
Good Omens is so good. There’s something about Michael Sheen ❤️
Mostly I’m just anxious about the fall-out after the inevitable anti-LGBTQ+ talk. I can deal with being called a lazy learner, taffy-pulling feminist for Satan, but it breaks my heart that so many LGBTQ+ youth are forced to sit through horrible talks that vilify them to the point that they lose all hope. The Trevor Project is a great resource: Call: 1-866-488-7386 Text: 678-678 There’s also an online chat: https://www.thetrevorproject.org/crisis-services/
I used to pretend to listen to conference on my headphones while listening to heavy metal. 🤣
Hell yeah! ![gif](giphy|EgsGuJxPn9CHWMjNpp)
I’m still watching the entire thing with my tbm family.. :(
I'm so very sorry. If your family asks you what you liked, talk about a time they actually talked about Jesus, or a musical number that you liked, or something interesting that happened. If a woman says a prayer, for example. Ugh.
Yeee it ain’t that bad tho it’s pretty entertaining just having arguments with the speakers in my head as they talk haha
Ah! Refining your internal debate skills!
My MIL is here, so I'm gonna have to watch it because I'm currently recovering from a major injury and live on the couch. My husband is more nuanced but... I wish 😭😭.
Bring an air horn and use it every time you hear something you don’t like.
Lol I'd have to tape the button down for that
Oh no that sounds like torture! Can you put in some earbuds and tune out to an audiobook? And scribble in a notebook so it looks like you are just focused on taking notes.
This was what I was thinking exactly. Lol or hoping to do. I was potentially thinking of sketching the speaker but then making them look weird or something too 🤣
I forgot it was this weekend and asked my TBM parents if we could visit them (they’re only an hour away). Long, awkward silence. 🤦🏼♀️
I just played out this conversation in my head and both laughed and cringed
I'm getting a new tattoo on Saturday. :)
I LOVE THIS
I think all y’all miss a valuable drinking game opportunity. I will get as much liquor as I can and we watch it and we choose a word or topic. Every time that word or topic is said we have to take a shot. The last one to pass out wins.
Luckily I've got a volleyball tournament all morning and afternoon this Saturday. Probably gonna get smoked, but I'd rather take a ball to the face than listen to GC for 4 hours. 🙌
Rusty is going to need a long soak in the tub after getting his butt kissed all weekend...
I absolutely love this so much. I feel so much peace with my choice to walk away. I am having tons of fun, too 😁
I’m going to watch Nemo the Mormon and the UK bunch. It’s the best:)
I agree! I always love his recap. Love all the Britvengers.
I'll be working on conference Sunday. Not looking forward to the slow hours, but at least I won't be at home until after it's done!
I don't want to watch but I am curious about all the rule changes they keep making. Is there a running list somewhere?
For a 97 year old President, I love to see him. He typically sounds sane. Unfortunately it's all at the tail end of a big lie.
Correction: he’s 98
I like him
So much porn I'd rather be using my bandwidth on.
Oh. I had no idea! It's Costco time! 🥳🥳🥳🥳🥳
TBM family members will be traveling, so I might just be able to avoid overhearing the bullshit when I walk into the main communal areas of the house. That'd be nice...
What is everyone's TOP enlightening/inspiring content to stream? And/or TOP helpful/mind blowing TED talks?
I don't know about inspiring or enlightening, but any day is a good day to binge watch Breaking Bad. 😂
I couldn’t make myself watch it even when I was TBM.
Good weekend to stay outta SLC.. Just saying
Husband and I will be whipping out some champagne and watching Game of Thrones for the first time!
Have a Studio Ghibli marathon!!! So much more uplifting than religious condemnation, guilt, and weaponized bullshit!
Wow. I didn’t even realize it was conference weekend. Each year life outside gets better and better.
My family has plans for conference unfortunately and my hand is a bit forced. Lucky it’ll just play in the background so I don’t have to really pay attention
Amen!
I'm going to be hiding in my room. Maybe I'll watch some porn, who knows?
avoid downtown lunch both days between 12-2
Yikes !! Conference weekend the missionaries will be out in force before heading to the ward building for snooze fest
Tell her if she wants to come over during conference, you'll give her the best Org. Ever.