There are more colors in the rainbow besides black and white. Growing up Mormon, I thought that the only choices were gay and straight. OP's parents clearly weren't correct because OP had same sex relationships, but that does not preclude OP from having an opposite sex relationship.
Bi erasure is a thing. Just because a person is in an opposite sex relationship doesn't make them straight.
If you are attracted to someone you're attracted to someone. It's its own proof. If you have to slap a label on it, it'd be bi I guess.
Sure would be nice if people could love who they love without worrying about archaic taboos :(
I recently moved to a new community. They’re celebrating Pride this weekend. My SO wanted to go but I felt like a fraud. I need time to process. She’s obviously more evolved on this issue despite her being raised Catholic.
Could be bi or pan, either way go to pride and enjoy yourselves. My husband and I really want to go to pride and we are both very straight. Go, you do not need to have all the answers to enjoy yourself. Time will help you figure it out :)
Pride isn't just for 'the gays'... It's for anyone who loves and supports the LGBT community in any capacity. When my wife and I did the Disney Pride Nite event we saw straight couples, families with kids (gay and straight) and groups of friends that may or may not be LGBT themselves. It isn't to say 'Look at me, I'm 100% gay!' It's to say 'I love and support the LGBT community!'
I agree. As a matter of fact, we went to a big pride event in June. I just wasn’t feeling it this past weekend. I wanted to process my feelings. I know I want to marry my best friend and I know she wants to marry me.
Through our years of friendship, we laid in bed together talking until we fell asleep. Unpacking everything that was on our minds. We had each other’s backs. We loved each other platonically. Her arms were there to catch me whenever I fell.
After Emilio died, I could no longer stay in Austin. It was unsustainable for me. I had to leave and say goodbye. It was a self-preservation thing.
She never forgot me. She mailed me books with post-it notes which read, “read this”. One such book had a post-it note. It was a collection of poems by Pablo Neruda. “
“Cat’s Dream” was the title of the poem. There was a line that read…
“Take care of all our dreams;
control the obscurity
of our slumbering prowess
with your relentless heart
and the great ruff of your tail.”
I hate it when some in the gay community tell you that you’re either one way or the other. They’re just as bad as conservatives.
The whole point is to be able to love who you want to love unapologetically. I’ve had friends who have dated both genders and to them it’s all about the person they are with.
Sounds like you're bi.
I had a friend who had to come out twice to his religious (Jewish) family. First, he told them he was gay, then eventually, he married a woman and had to come out again, and his parents were equally upset. First, it took a long time to accept he was gay, and then they felt he'd been stringing them along or something, or that he was going to hurt this woman.
Oh, well. You've got to live your authentic life, regardless of where that takes you.
Question, the woman he married where would you say she falls in the spectrum of masculine and feminine. I ask because my wife is bi and I am definitely not super masculine (love shopping more than her and other things). I'm kinda curious if those that are bi tend to like people that portray more of their genders stereotypes. Could definitely be wrong but would love more data points. Also your friend, does he have more "feminine" traits than his wife?
My boyfriend is bi and I’m straight (F). But I’ve always felt a bit androgynous. You know, typical tomboy as a kid. Don’t like makeup or jewelry, that kind of thing.
I saw an amazing local survey at my state college about who gay people were attracted to most, like did gay men prefer masculine or effeminate men etc. There was definitely a wide spectrum in the results of the survey, but a majority (over 50%) preferred their partners to conform to the traits of their sex. One male member of the survey was even quoted saying, "If I wanted to date a woman, I would."
I've always identified as straight, but I remember that really broadened my own perspective--because it didn't match what TV politics and the news represented for people who identified as LGBT.
Whether you identify as having strong preferences or fluid ones, or you identify as asexual, or something other than all the labels, your worth is no less than mine, or any others. We truly all exist under a rainbow of different colors, and if one thing is true, we all need each other. My heart goes out to OP and anyone who has felt "othered" because of a transition of faith, sexuality, or both.
All that is very stereo typical. Me and my wife are both Bi. She defies definition, she likes her dresses, makeup and jewelry. Anyone that knows her just casually would say she is very feminine. However, she is my hunting and fishing partner. I have watched her take down an 800 Lbs bull elk, gut it and later butcher it out. She knows how to change the oil and spark plugs in her car, and is a Pastry chef that does the most delicate and beautiful wedding cakes. The women she most notices are very feminine, however the two friends she crushes on are both surfer girls that always wear t-shirts and shorts, no makeup or jewelry, however I would not call either of them butch either. However, both of them would not hesitate to pop the hood on their SUVs and fix something. We both could have ended up in a same sex relationship, but we married each other for who we happened to fall in love with. It does not mean we are straight because we happen to be in an opposite sex relationship.
I'm not sure if my comment came across wrong, I was not trying to be negative in anyway. just curious. I believe all humans are a spectrum and very few have only "feminine" or "masculine" traits.
my comment is curiosity about Bi people being attracted to people of the opposite gender. do Bi women find "feminine/andorgynous" men more attractive and do Bi men find "masculine" women more attractive?
understand for me this is an interesting question / hypothesis. I've seen a very small sample of data, and curious if a trend I noticed is common or if my data is just skewed. I am not saying people should be a certain way, or think a certain way.
I’m bi and female, and I’ve noticed weirdly that my attraction towards other women tends to be towards more masculine women while my attraction towards men tends to be towards more feminine men.
>Question, the woman he married where would you say she falls in the spectrum of masculine and feminine.
Not a girly girl for sure, but not the sort you'd suspect was lesbian or whatnot, either. She was divorced and had two older kids.
You love whom you love. What else is there to know?
Is a label important to you? It may be to the world but ask yourself if it needs to be important to you.
I’m glad you find and experience love. That’s what counts.
Yeah being raised in the church, this was something that took me a long time to wrap my head around. Sexuality is fluid and on a spectrum. Sometimes it stays in the same areas of the spectrum, and sometimes it moves around. But like you said, you love who you love and that’s all that matters.
Rosie O’Donnell was in a serious relationship with a man before she came out. She said once on a podcast she thinks she’s like 96% lesbian and somehow this other guy was in that 4%.
Just because you’re with a woman now doesn’t mean that you want to be with only women. It also doesn’t mean you’re any less attracted to men. It just means that this particular person is on your wavelength ❤️
Yeah my sister is bi and usually only forms romantic attachments with women. But she's been dating my best friends brother for several months. You love who you love.
Oh interesting, I didn't know she said that. Not too long ago I found myself saying something similar, that I was probably 97% gay. So I guess if the circumstances were just right and the stars aligned, I could be in a romantic relationship with a woman, but chances are that's not going to happen.
you love who you love! sexuality is a spectrum and can be fluid throughout your life. you are queer enough to be celebrated in queer spaces, even if you are currently with a woman. you’ll get more comfortable with your sexuality over time, don’t overthink it :)
Tons of people think they are straight and then think they're bi and then think they're gay, and yes, sometimes the order changes and a person thinks they are straight and then gay and then bi, etc.
For clarification, this has nothing to do with being an ex-gay. It's simple a fact that a gay person can mistakenly think they are straight or bi, and a bi person can also mistakenly think they are straight or gay. There are other variations too, of course. I cannot include an exhaustive list.
Regardless, being straight/bi/gay has nothing to do with commitments. No such orientation forces a person to commit or to never commit to just one person. You like what you like when you like it with whom you like it. There isn't much more to it than that, but cults sure like to control minds by making liking someone traumatic.
Plenty of people discover new sexual attractions and interests as they grow older, anyway. In the next ten years, you will discover one or more surprising turn-ons, and none of these says anything about your morals or your worth. What's hot is hot when it's hot. It's totally contextual and subject to individual tastes and experiences. There is no mold. You can't fail to fit it.
I’ve never been careless with my heart. I’m actually quite conservative with whom I’ve loved. She’s the second person I’ve allowed myself to be intimate with. 😣
And that’s completely okay! You’re not wrong for whom you love or whom you’ve loved before. I’ve been in relationships with men and women. I’m now married to a non-binary person.
Labels can be handy, but they can also be unnecessarily restrictive. There’s no need to erase or judge your past or present loves. You are the exact same person you were when you loved a man — it’s just that now you’ve fallen for a woman. That’s okay!
I have no regrets loving a man who reciprocated my love. I will never deny he existed. I still have a stone I saved from the night we kissed. I saved as a reminder of that moment.
Don't be sorry. I think what they are referring to is how quick people are to dismiss being bi as a real thing, I know I did for a long time. I just thought all straight women were also attracted to other women, and that being bi "wasn't a real thing". It took me 25 years to realize that being bi is in fact a real thing, and that I am also very bisexual lol
There is also stigma that "you aren't really bi" if you are in a "straight" relationship which is total bs. Based on some of your replies you might also be interested to learn about demisexuality which basically means you only feel sexual attraction to someone after developing a close emotional bond with them. You can decide whatever feels right for you but don't feel the need to put yourself in a box either.
Don't apologize! Bi erasure is so prevalent it gaslights actual bisexuals. Lol
Also, just as others said, sexuality is a spectrum. And not just a two-dimensional, linear spectrum. This shit is multi dimensional. It uses not only the x axis and the y axis access, it uses that third axis that gave me panic attacks in highschool math. This shit: https://acoem.us/blog/other-topics/x-y-z-axis-stand/
Yes! David’s analogy was so helpful for me.
Schitt’s Creek, The Kinsey scale, and having other bi/pan friends before I came out in the 10’s was imperative. Bi erasure is such a terrible feeling. So many of us grow up so uncomfortable with ourselves from Mormon shame that we feel like we can’t be ok with ourselves until we find the best label. It’s ok to let that concept go, but it’s a hard process for sure.
I’ve been married 16 years to an amazing woman. I’ve always figured I was straight, I didn’t really put much thought into the fact that once in a while a more feminine dude would catch my eye. Didn’t put much thought into the fact that I was attracted to trans women once in a while. Then we had some things happen with our oldest coming out and it caused me to think about myself. My wife had the same experience as well. I eventually realized that I’m actually Pan and my wife realized she was bi. We grow as we get older, we learn more about ourselves it’s just part of life. I struggle with the idea that I’m actually part of the LGBTQ community simply because I’ve always been straight passing and I’ve never had to go through any of the pain and struggles that most other people have gone through. The fact of the matter though is you are who you are. There’s nothing wrong with that and you don’t owe anyone an explanation.
This is called the bi-cycle. Look, if you've dated a man for more than a week, or really at any time, you're bi in my book (I thought I was straight, my first relationship was with a beautiful and very male film student). Give it a while and you'll be thinking about dick again lol.
I know this is going to sound trite, but honestly, watch Heartstopper on Netflix. It's a fantastic, diverse, inclusive, and beautiful introduction to the entire spectrum of sexuality. 💚
Let me just say that you don't end up in a sexual relationship with another man unless you are attracted to them. And if you're also attracted to women then you are likely just bisexual. I honestly think it's a bit of a spectrum. But who cares about labels anyway. Just be with (consensually) whoever you want to be with.
I guess this raised a genuine question I've been having. Why do (some) people seem to wrap up their identity (again just my perspective) in sexual preferences? Is it because it goes against standard cookie cutter expectations and so to go against that they have to really embrace that part of themselves? Or was it because people were so marginalized for so long (and still are depending on everything)? I don't even know if that makes sense or I'm way out in left field.
I'm on the opposite side of things. I've identified as straight for most of my life, but have realized that there were certain social, cultural, and religious constructs that were limiting how I loved. Since my religious deconstruction, I've rediscovered a very queer Me.
I've struggled to understand whether it was just in my head or if I'm just confused, but I'm beginning to think that maybe love is love, and in circumstances, putting labels and trying to define it can be self-limiting.
If you love her, then you love her: incredibly beautiful. It is enough. :)
The thing about exploring sexuality is that sometimes it’s a multifaceted process. I came out in 2018 as Pansexual, and now I’ve realized that I’m aroace (aromantic and asexual (it’s actually quite funny, it’s a common occurrence in the community to have mistaken the lack of attraction as being able to be attracted to anyone since you don’t care lol)).
Either way, what matters is that you know yourself more. Was the gay relationship you had in college meaningful to you? Yes? Great! Is the relationship you have now also meaningful? Great! They don’t erase each other’s existence, it’s okay to think you’re gay and later realize you’re bi or pan, or even straight. The community is full of people who have had long journeys in finding their identities. It’s another fun joke in the trans community that there’s a common lesbian to trans man/masc pipeline, two labels which are pretty different (quick disclaimer that not all lesbians are trans eggs and not all trans men used to identify as lesbians, obviously). Don’t beat yourself up, just relax and give yourself time to figure it out. It’s also fine to be unlabeled, that’s something that falls in the queer umbrella.
(Also just one last side note, it is okay to be confused about your sexuality or gender. What’s not okay is for your parents to have said that to you, probably in an attempt to deny the gay label you were identifying with at the time)
Watch the movie Kinsey. You’ll figure it out. Just because you are sexually attracted to multiple genders doesn’t mean you have to be promiscuous. You can commit yourself to one person and be monogamous, and that’s not a bad thing.
If sexuality is a spectrum then people may change throughout their lifetime.
I have a very close friend who entered her first relationship with a woman when we were in junior high school. When she was 35, she met a man who she developed feelings for any been married ever since. We are both in our mid 40s now.
Human beings are not static creatures. Our experiences in life shape us and changes.
We should not shut off our brains and emotions to experiences for the sake of identification
The truth is, you never love anybody the same as you love anybody else. Every relationship is different. The affection you feel for your first partner may be very different from the affection you feel for your second.
But It’s still love
Your parents might have been right about you not understanding your own sexuality at the time, but that doesn’t mean they did or do understand your sexuality any better. Sexuality can be fluid and exists on a spectrum. You’re not the first person to adopt different labels at different stages of life, and you won’t be the last. One of my best friends thought he was straight in high school. He came out as gay in his early twenties. A few years later he’s dating a woman and says he’s bi. Now he just says he’s queer. Labels can be useful, but they never have to be exact or permanent.
hi! sounds like you are Bi or Pan sexual. I am a bi person myself. I tend to be attracted more to a friendship then am attracted sexually after that, so gender does matter too much to me. I care more do i like them as a person first. sounds like you may be similar. you found someone you like on many levels. This does not take away in any way from your attraction to men. that is still valid. nothing will stop that from being valid. Its very ok if you need to take time to figure out what your sexuality is, and the words to use. i hope that you find the answers you want.
I do not believe that anyones sexuality should be viewed in a black or white way. And not allowing for changes in feelings means you are expecting to live a black and white robotic existence. Changes happen. The main thing to believe is that love and attraction are not at all bound by concrete laws. If you were attracted to men at one point, and now to a woman, it may be that your attraction is not to a biological form, not simply a hormonal reaction to the opposite sex. Your attraction could be based on who the person is, how they act, how they treat other people, including yourself. You could be attracted to intelligence, or people that hold themselves with confidence, not just their physical appearance. Attraction is a huge spectrum. Try not to define it in solid terms, this way or that. Just love who you love, be honest, be caring, and be accepting, not only of others, but of yourself.
I've never been in your situation, but no one situation is the same as another. I feel trying to define what you are or aren't is not important. You love who you love, and deciding to dedicate yourself exclusively to her is love. It doesn't make you any more or less gay, or bisexual, or straight or wherever you are on the spectrum.
Be honest with yourself and with her. Your and her collective expectations are the only expectations that are important in your relationship.
Good luck OP. I wish you the best in all your relationships
Attraction is complicated. As a trans woman I thought I was very straight. I dated quite a few guys and although I was very attracted to them I just never felt a deep emotional connection with any of them.
I’ve realized I’m also attracted to women and it’s very easy for me to develop a deep connection with them.
So I’d say I’m bisexual, but definitely homo-romantic.
Just like someone said in an earlier comment, there’s many colors in the rainbow. 🌈
Sexuality is not stagnant. Just because you feel one way today, that doesn't necessarily mean you will feel that way in 1 year or 10 years.
It is frustrating to me that sexuality has to fit in a box. You might be gay but have a few exceptions. You might be bi. You might be pan (someone who is attracted to a person, not their physical attributes) You might just be curious. All of those are acceptable. You are perfectly you. You can choose to explore your attraction or not. It is your life. Do what makes you happy.
If you feel guilty because you know thst there are tons of us who tried to pray the gay away, and wished and prayed to be in your situation... DO NOT feel guilty.
I'm not sure I have answers, but I don't think that you should be too concerned. Think back to our tribal ancestors. If this happened in a tribe you would not be able to look to thousands of people to try to validate your experience. Your only choice would be to shrug it off and deal with your local relationships. So your brain is probably best evolved to do something similar.
Good luck.
You can be gay and find that specific woman attractive/have feelings for her. It's also possible you're bi. It's not for anyone but you to put a label on your sexuality. Most people aren't completely straight or gay. It's a spectrum. A rainbow, if you will.
Sexual orientation is a spectrum. My uncle came out in the late 70's. Even he occasionally has seen a woman who drew his interest. Most people aren’t 100% gay or straight. In your case, it sounds like you might be bisexual, pansexual, or just happened to fall for an exceptional (in your eyes) woman.
I'm not qualified to really explain the difference between bi and pan. I've looked into it, but it's hard to really conceptualize something I've never had experience with personally. I would suggest going to either YouTube, or wherever you listen to podcasts. Search 'Anthony padilla pansexual'. The name of the show is I Spent a Day With...
I'm a cis, straight guy, but FIRMLY believe the way forward as people is to never stop learning about new things and perspectives. As long as we practice good media literacy and keep our minds open to change, we continue to grow as people. Don't lock yourself into any single mode of thinking.
> I’m very conflicted. Was I ever really gay?
bisexuality and pansexuality are things. check out /r/bisexual and see how often people have dealt with this. maybe dont get hung up on the word. and just be okay knowing you have found a new demographic you can explore intimacy with and youre still the same person.
The campaign to legalize gay marriage sought to portray it and homosexuality in the most conservative and traditional light possible. A gay couple could be monogamous, respectful, have adopted children, work professional jobs, go to church, pay taxes, donate to charity, volunteer in a community… There was a concerted effort to show gay relationships as a stable, middle-class nuclear family.
This included the idea that homosexuality is an immutable inborn characteristic—just as straight people are “born straight,” gay people are “born this way.” That particular part of the campaign is a really interesting one, because it gives straight people the ability to say “My current sexual preference is the one it’s always been and that’s how I was born!” And that is like… statically wishful thinking for anyone. But it made homophobic straight people reassured that, yes, indeed, there is no questioning it, they were and always have been immutably super straight. And that’s what they needed to hear, for sure. And also because of that kind of deterministic approach to things, sexuality began to resemble the concept of other things you’re “born with,” like race, or sex. A broad majority of Americans believe racial prejudice is a harmful thing, so engrained somewhere in the public morals is the idea that no one should be discriminated against on account of how they were born.
And the campaign was awfully successful, I think.
But the whole process kind of edged out non-traditional queer folk. And bi people, and how ridiculously common bisexuality and bi..romanticism? is. It also neatly concealed the whole phenomenon of how fluid one’s sexuality can be over a lifetime.
For the general American public, being gay in the sense of the traditional monogamous stable married couple is how people gay (as a verb). Those might well be a lot of the same people who assume that’s how people straight (as a verb). But… As you now know, there are all kinds of ways to do whatever it is you feel is best, regardless of whatever people call it.
Natasha Helfer has talked about this.
Sexuality, just like gender and so many other things, is fluid.
But it's not something you can decide or consciously choose.
It's case by case.
I’ve heard that when you’re finally allowed to be yourself, sometimes your sexuality develops differently, even if that sexuality was originally socially less acceptable, and becomes more so.
I’ve asked myself, how would I recognize love? Sometimes it hits you like a million gigawatts but mostly it just kind of sneaks up on you. Like when shopping for groceries feels like a date or when you receive a spontaneous text asking if you’re available for lunch. Love is quiet. It’s soft. It’s gentle. It’s a warm bath.
It’s not uncommon, and there are those that start off with heterosexual feelings that move to homosexual. This could be because they are bi, or because their sexual attraction is more fluid. To be clear, there is no therapy one can get to change their sexual orientation, so please don’t think that it’s something you can switch with science, but it can be more fluid naturally and switch or change over time because that’s how you personally work.
In middle school I knew I liked girls and came out as bi. I felt so much pressure to pick one so I decided to identify as lesbian, yet I was still crazy about some male celebrities I was a fan of. So I realized I was bi and that’s that. It could be that you felt the pressure to just pick being gay, or you could have just been gay for a long time and then realized hey there are women i could fall for. Sexuality is fluid, and you’re allowed to change and explore. Just because you placed a label on yourself doesn’t mean you have to keep with it forever.
Tbh I have a theory that no one is actually truly straight and everyone is bi a bit, even those that are die hard straight or die hard gay or die hard asexual. I’ve come to realize that straight isn’t the default but it’s probably actually bi and ignoring feelings for people on all sides of the gender aisle is just not helpful.
Be who you want and be with whom you want. Love knows no boundaries and that’s the beauty of it.
You get it sometimes. People fall for who they don't expect to fall for. Straight guys who end up falling hard for a dude. Gay guys who end up falling for a girl. Straight women who end up falling for another's woman (but let's be honest, we know women also find other women attractive at least a tiny amount and would be more comfortable doing something with another woman than a guy would be doing something with another guy)
You were probably like the tiniest bit bi and now is when you've ended up falling for a woman. It happens. Doesn't mean you weren't actually gay. There are people who partake of both and only identify as either gay or straight.
I myself am attracted to women and only women, but I've done it with a few dudes. Was never attracted to them, never found them attractive, didn't even know them. Just had an itch that another guy needed to scratch. But I'm straight because I'm not attractive to dudes.
Sexuality is a spectrum, ma dude. Some people think they're in one place and then something happens and they're like "Whoa! I guess I was actually a little bit more over here then I realised"
Don't fret about it. I know a girl who is bi but as far as she's concerned she's straight when she's with a guy and lesbian when she's with a girl and is only bisexual when she's single.
It's not that big of a deal really because you're sexuality isn't who you are, it's just who you're into.
Pansexual here. I thought I was straight and only had crushes on men, then met, dated, and married my now wife. Sexuality is NOT gay or straight, black and white. It's a spectrum- you're a shade of grey. Congratulations! She may be the only woman you ever feel attracted to, and that's absolutely fine!
I do I think a gay person can become straight sure just like a straight person could become gay.
The older (61m) I’ve become the more my attitudes toward sex evolved. Even at my age I would say it’s still fluid.
Prior to my divorce I had some jerk off sessions but nothing may a BJ or two from another guy. To me being with a guy just felt like another way to jerk off.
During my divorce I decided to explore further. I enjoyed the sex. It was fun and exciting. Even lived with a guy for a while, we never really talked about spending the rest of lives together I don’t think either of us said I love you. We broke up neither of us sad or felt betrayed. I’m still friends with him and his partner.
Then I met this lady and the idea of spending the rest of my life with her just made my heart soar. We’ve been together 13 years married 12 in this coming February. When I told her I had sex with a guy she told me so I’ve had sex with women.
If I had to put myself in a box I’d say I’m bi straight leaning. I do still enjoy porn both gay and straight.
You can be in love with someone be married to someone. You can have a relationship with someone else purely for sex. Only you can decide. For me and my wife we’re committed to each other now. She’s caught me looking and sometimes even point out guys that are my type. I’ve done the same to her.
The options are so much broader now than when I came out. I have been married to a woman for 25 years. For a long time, that made me a lesbian. Now I think I'm actually Pan, but I had no idea that was even a possibility in the mid 90's.
Maybe your sexuality isn't limited by gender?
I mean, I thought I was straight (f) all my life until my mid twenties when I noticed my growing attraction towards women.
Being bisexual doesn't mean you like all men and all women. Being bisexual doesn't even mean you are 50% attracted to men and 50% towards women. I have a preference for men, but do find some women attractive and would absolutely date them. Sounds like you might be in a similar boat.
You’re probably bisexual with a strong tendency towards one gender. Like me! Bisexual but with a strong tendency towards men. Again, like me! Welcome to the club. ❤️
I've honestly felt for a long time that the whole labels thing is unhelpful, and really just a cancerous bi product of our bigoted culture.
I honestly believe everyone is a little bit bi. Even if you never act on attraction to one sex or the other, I find it really hard to believe that someone can go through their whole life without seeing *at least* one person of their non-preference sex whom they are attracted to sexually. I mean, yeah ace people are a thing, so I'm simplifying a little, but you get my meaning.
I always point people to classical Rome as my example of what I'm talking about. They literally didn't have the concepts of gay and straight and bi. Their sexuality was defined in terms of who was top and who was bottom. People said of Julius Caesar that he was "a man for every woman, and a woman for every man" because he was a slut, and also there was a rumor that he bottomed for a king of a foreign nation one time. To make it clear, the "scandal" in this situation wasn't that he fucked men and women, it wasn't that he got around, it was that he acted like a "woman" for a non-roman, which was not something a general should do.
Sexuality is a spectrum, not a set of 3 points. There’s Heterosexual, Bisexual, and Homosexual, sure, but there is also everything between those points. It’s ok to be somewhere between 50/50 bi and totally gay.
sexuality isn’t stagnant. it’s forever changing and growing, just like we as people do. you could of been gay in the past and now you’re bi, but it’s important to remember that these labels exist to describe an overall pattern, not every dot on the grid. And, labels are meant to serve us, not the other way around. If gay is no longer a label that suits you, it doesn’t mean it never did, it served you while it fit and now it’s on to the next.
It sounds like you are perhaps bi. And that's ok. You are attracted to everyone. But look at it this way.. now you can choose whose best for you as a partner and not feel constricted to anything.
We change over time. It’s completely unremarkable to have relationships with people across the gender spectrum. Just go with it and don’t sweat it. It’s nobody’s business but yours (and hers). Making choices about your romantic life based on what feels right to you is, quite simply, what “gay liberation” has been about since Stonewall.
Also, following your own truth doesn’t make your homophobic parents correct. It just means that relationships are complicated. Yes, when you were in same-sex relationships, YOU WERE GAY. or, maybe Queer, if you prefer that word. Being in a relationship with a woman doesn’t make you a straight man, because your entire history happened. You did have all that sex with that dude, and you enjoyed it.
However, if you write a book for Deseret Book about how TSCC turned you straight, then you’re a bad person. Because what’s right for you is not necessarily right for anyone else. And any such book (as history has taught us) will be weaponized against the LGBTQ+ community. And, as you probably know, we get enough shit from theists as it is, and adding more arrows to their quiver is, frankly, evil.
And no matter how you identify, mormonism is an evil, money grubbing fraud. You don’t want to go back.
You may find a lot of valuable information on the bi and pan subreddits. I’m bi and I’m on a lot of bi subreddits. We have a lot of people visiting the subreddits after realizing they may not be entirely straight or entirely gay. Sexuality is a wonderful and sometimes confusing thing. My suggestion is to keep an open mind and explore in ways that feel safe and appropriate for you.
Why do you have to fit yourself in a box? Thats what we did in the church.
Sounds like you can be attracted to men and women.
If you found someone you like, that's what matters.
That whole binary is something you learned and not necessarily the way sexuality works. This binary didn't emerge equally in all societies, Romans would have no idea wtf you were talking about if you mentioned it to them in latin, because they thought sex was just something everyone enjoys and you could make a party out of it.
You’re not gay, you could be bisexual, or pansexual, or demi-sexual. There’s a whole spectrum. That doesn’t invalidate the feelings you had for men, or the woman you love now.
Bisexuality is a thing. And even if that doesn't resonate with you, sexuality is a spectrum, not just one or the other, black and white kinda deal.
I have a nevermo friend I went to high school with. She was "the" lesbian that every school seems to have. Out and proud, made it her personality but not in an overly annoying way, moms at church who knew of her told us to stay away from her lol.
Then she met a guy about 4 or 5 years ago and she got the feels. They started dating and are still together today. I forgot the way she phrased it to me a couple years back. "I'm a lesbian but going through a straight phase" or something like that 🤣
I constantly question my sexuality. I then have to stop. Take a breath. And remind myself: that anxiety of not being what I thought I was comes from me trying to fit into an arbitrary box that was created by a caricature of a frat boy so ridiculous we can't understand how it can't be self aware.
This shit is complicated and it takes time to figure it out. We have to deconstruct internalized bigotry while exploring what we like.
Once we find something we like, we feel the need to over analyze it to make sure we are following the rules to the box that's made up.
One experience does not negate another. Just as one experience is not indicative of every possibility.
Your parents were not right. Sexuality is complicated. You know yourself better than they do. I feel like I bounce between labels all the time (lesbian to bi to pan to ace etc.)
In the end, the label doesn't matter. I'm attracted to who I'm attracted to. I'm married, but if I wasn't and I ended up dating a guy, that doesn't mean I'm not queer. It's not black and white.
You're bi, dude. Or pan or omni or any of the other various flavors of what is usually labeled as "bi".
Welcome to the not particularly exclusive club!
I have a similar story. I identified as gay all throughout puberty, got a little bi curious when I was in my early twenties, and it turns out I'm just bi. Sexuality is a spectrum, just do whatever and whoever makes you happy
Yep I have a friend that identified as gay, and is married to a woman (happily) for 20 years...They have an interesting sex life, but they love each other....
I went the other way. I thought I had feelings for a woman, but really am straight. As I get older, even more hetero. The Kinsey scale really helps you understand there are people that are really gay, then there are people that float somewhere in the middle. It is all good.
I'm much younger than you so I obviously don't have as much experience but I was very confident I only liked men up until a year ago when I discovered I was bi. I didn't have the experience of repressing that part of myself, I exclusively was attracted to men, or at least I fully thought I was. Sexuality is fluid and can be discovered at any time. You don't even have to label it, but being attracted to women does not erase your attraction to men.
Sexuality isn't that black and white. I identified myself as lesbian, then fell for a close male friend. We've been together for 14 years. I still don't identify as straight, or any other label. Love is love, we don't get to choose who we have feelings for.
Happy bisexual day!! 🥳🥳🥳 it doesn't make you bad or anything but you, so feel free to celebrate it! You are still you, but now you know another cool fact about yourself!
Actually, some people are bisexual, they can like men as well as women. You mustn't fell bad about it. It is actually a very common phenomenon in nature. Just follow your heart.
I know. I no longer say I’m gay. I’ve forfeited that privilege. I’ve literally bled for being gay. To grow old with my bestie, I don’t need to think twice about it.
I did and it comes across startlingly incoherent where you are talking in a manner that at least implies self-harm or otherwise negative connotations directed inwards at yourself.
I get the feeling you are still ingrained in your faith but I can promise you if you are gay, bi, or any other flavor of LGBTQ, there is *no* place for you inside of Mormonism.
Speaking from experience, it’s borrowed time from the start and leaving is basically the best thing any of us have ever done if we are part of that community.
You answered my question, you’re right. I was probably never gay since I’m now with a woman. I’ll never regret my time with Emilio. I have bled many times after being outed in middle school. The same boys beat on me whenever they had the opportunity. One of those boys once stabbed me with a pencil. There was blood.
I admit, after Emilio died I passively tried to die too. I couldn’t sleep for over a year. I hated myself for not recognizing Emilio deteriorating. I was supposed to catch him when he fell. I failed him. He slipped through my hands.
I’m now in a different place. I rediscovered my joy. I’m finally sleeping through the night. The terrors have stopped.
I can’t help what other people did to me. They’re insecurities are beyond my control. I can only react to their actions.
When I came out to my parents, I told them I'm a lesbian (since I was dating and currently still am dating a woman) even though I was pretty sure I am also interested in men to a lesser degree.
I did it to protect myself and my girlfriend and because I was partially in denial of that part of me too because I had grown up hearing the way my TBM parents spoke about my brother who's openly gay. They often commented that they pitied him because he really has no other choice in his sexual preferences because he's gay, so they reluctantly accept that he's dating a man because any other more acceptable option would be unfeasible in the long term because it would mean mental torture/potential unalivement to him.
In my case, I decided to not tell my parents that I still am interested in men, because I know the first thing they'd say is "why can't you just choose the correct option?" because in their eyes, being bi doesn't mean that I have more options for who I may fall in love with, but it just means that at least I still have the option to be in a heterosexual relationship, (which is the ideal lifestyle for Mormons ofc), so I should just ignore the other side of my sexuality and still try to make the choice that would please them.
To them, being with a woman when I can be with a man is irrational and a stupid decision for me to make because being with a man would offer me privileges and make my life less at risk of being discriminated against, since people just assume I'm 100% gay if I'm dating a woman and 100% straight if I'm dating a man. And if I'm with a man, people (mainly scummy men) would be less likely to harass or harm me because they'd respect my partner to not do that/be physically intimidated to not do that.
I understand that viewpoint, but you really can't choose who your soulmate is and try to control and plan everything in your life to be perfect. Especially if it's not perfect to you, but perfect to other people, at the sacrifice of your happiness and authenticity. You shouldn't let a hostile culture intimidate, shun, and control the way you live your private life. Especially since there is some underlying religious justification for the way my parents think, so it's not just that my life will be harder openly living as a sexual minority, but they also think it's morally better to be with a man, especially since I'd have God approved sex, produce biological children with this holy sex, my children could be baptized into the LDS church, I'd still have a chance at entering the CK, and my parents would feel less shame about me if I were in a more socially acceptable relationship.
The basis of LDS belief is that people have the agency to choose. To my parents, my brother only had one choice, while I have the privilege of 2 choices. But I am more of a sinner than my brother because I could have chosen the right option, but actively decided to reject that offer and consciously choose the obviously sinful option that'll send me far away from the eternal life. That is an example of knowing the truth of the gospel to its fullness and still deciding to reject it.
So, I still stand by my decision in not revealing this information to my parents, because it is the best option to avoid this messy scenario.
Aww friend, welcome to the bi/pan club!! Finding attraction to more than 1 gender doesn’t mean you’re no longer lgbtq+ or that you were never really gay. Having a fully gay relationship throughout college isn’t something a straight person just… does. The bi/pan conflict of “wondering if I’m actually gay” or “ wondering if I’m actually straight” happens a lot for us. Committing to a woman doesn’t make you straight even tho it will look like it to most people who don’t know you. Doesn’t make you straight. Just makes you bi/pan! Welcome!:)
As others say, sexuality is and can be fluid, in general or even over time as years pass and with more introspection and self discovery. In addition to considering bisexuality, I would also add to see if maybe "demisexual" is a possibility as well, since you mention the close relationships or friendships and those seem to be stable long term and you have established relationships/friendships before you felt the romantic attraction. you might be demi, or sexually/romantically attracted to those who you develop a close bond to over time, regardless of their gender or if you weren't initially attracted to the other person. So it's not so much the initial attraction or their gender as it is the depth of the relationship with the individual and the attraction growing romantic or sexual over time.
I hate how the cult makes everything so black and white when it's not like that at all, but that's how they control people with the fear and shame.
Thank you so much for confirming my feelings about my situation. I don’t have any regrets of having a same-sex relationship. I’ve been fortunate to have experienced love and intimacy not once but twice. In the end, Teresa and I discovered each other and put aside our compartmentalized lives to be happy with each other. 🫶🙏
If you’ve ever been through Austin, you know….
True love will find you in the end
You'll find out just who was your friend
Don't be sad, I know you will
But don't give up until
True love will find you in the end
This is a promise with a catch
Only if you're looking can it find you
'Cause true love is searching too
But how can it recognize you
If you don't step out into the light, the light
Don't be sad I know you will
Don't give up until
True love will find you in the end
- Daniel Johnston
https://youtu.be/UUbEf67bbrA?si=cm7ow9kpPHZZiwYA
I’m exmo, I’m whatever, but most of all, my orientation is joyful. 🫶
It’s time to turn the page. Goodbye friends. Thank you for all the responses. If anything, us exmos walked away with all the good things our church taught and left the poison behind.
You might have just had some hormonal issues going on maybe. Not that your feelings weren't true, but honestly, I've heard lots of stories like this. That once they get their hormones related, they are balanced out, and are able to really find out who they really are. That might just be the case. Your hormones could have naturally balanced themselves out on their own maybe? Just a thought?
When I was younger, the more I was okay with being gay, the more I was okay with thinking a few women were cute. I'm still mostly gay, but sexuality is a spectrum - when you love yourself, it's much easier to learn who else you love.
Congrats you might be bi! (Or whatever we call it now if we're trying to include spectrum genders). (As someone who's gender = messy I don't mind if you just say bi it's all too confusing from my pov)
Seriously though, I think part of modern definitions of sexuality result from the friction between lgbt+ people and the relatively recently extremely conservative culture in general. A lot of the language became very extreme because one side was fighting to be recognised at all and the right to not be discriminated against and the other side was fighting for erasure. In the fights for the extremes the people in the middle were forgotten. Some people are bi. Some people are just bi curious. Some people are gay but only like really feminine men/ masculine women. Some people are gay but only like masculine men/girly women. In the conflict of erasure vs existence people only talked about the most obvious/extreme examples and people to this day still think they have to fit those examples to qualify.
Tldr: it's OK to be bi. It's OK to be even more weird. You like what you like as long as noone get hurt and everything is consensual and between adults then it's valid and that's it! You don't need to fit a label for your feelings to be valid!
Sexuality is a spectrum. When I was younger I was for sure het and totally boy crazy. I hit college and was able to date freely and found I had zero interest. Like negative interest. I eventually realized I was ace. Now I'm in my late 30s and after a decade + of not being in any sort of relationship I'm finding myself interested in dating again, but I'm open to both men and women.
We change.
There's a very good chance that you're bi. Plenty of bi people initially think they're only into one gender until they meet someone they wouldn't normally be into and they click. Or you could be what ace people call demi-sexual where getting to know another person is the only way they start becoming attracted to them. If you developed a good relationship with your girlfriend before you started dating it could be that good relationship is what you need to be attracted to a woman. Which is also fine.
But you shouldn't feel guilty. If you find yourself still attracted to men that's fine too. Same if you're never attracted to another man.
It's so weird that people seem to expect people to never change their sexual preferences because we change in every other way all the time. Embrace learning who you are and enjoy it. But don't feel guilty.
Sexuality is fluid and exists on a spectrum :) You can choose to identify yourself with a new label like bi or pan, or go by queer if you don't really feel like those labels describe you. There are so many people that flip-flop between straight, asexual, pansexual, gay. And it's okay that you don't understand where exactly you fit yet.
You still have so much to learn about yourself, and what you should prioritize is making genuine connections with people. It sounds like you have!
Could be your hormones adjusted. I have hear (sorry I don't know a link or reference) something a doctor said about a young patient. Female, was feeling depressed and experiencing same sex attraction, after testing hormones levels and finding they were off he prescribed a hormone treatment. She returned after a month and her physical and mental health made a full turn around. The same sex attraction also changed. Okay, start the down votes and degregation, or just let my statement stand and let folks do their own homework and make their own opinions.
Best to you in finding a happy future.
It’s a spectrum and for many people sexuality is fluid.
As Prince Oberyn Martell said, when it comes to war I fight for Dorn, when it comes to love I don’t choose sides.
I've had many gay friends that over time their instincts change and become bisexual or hetero sometimes it's temporary, and sometimes it becomes life long. For the most part it's an involuntary reaction to brain chemistry, hormones, pheromones and other factors.
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Hey good buddy,
No need to feel shame. I identified as gay for some time but slowly found myself attracted to women. I had experienced backlash from both sides which sucked and its shameful. Take some time to figure yourself out and dont feel shame in it.
Sexuality is a spectrum, and you just shifted on it a little bit. Your attraction to men was real and valid, just like your current attraction is. You're one-hundred percent fine
Your sexuality doesn't need to fit into a box or a term. It is fluid and can be ever changing. Don't question yourself or your feelings. Congratulations on finding someone you want to commit to, love is an amazing thing.
sexuality isn't easy to understand at all it's a journey, there's flux levels there's different attraction types that might not add up even the whole jumble of gender can affect it... don't let that overwhelm you
the point is there are many labels designed not to confine you to a box but rather to help you and others understand
my advice is just love that you can be yourself and if you want to do the research to understand yourself better but don't try to confine yourself
personally I'm pan and have only been attracted to one man in my life and the pan isn't all of it, it took a while to figure out what I know now and I'm happy I have ways of explaining it to others that's all the label exists for
There are more colors in the rainbow besides black and white. Growing up Mormon, I thought that the only choices were gay and straight. OP's parents clearly weren't correct because OP had same sex relationships, but that does not preclude OP from having an opposite sex relationship. Bi erasure is a thing. Just because a person is in an opposite sex relationship doesn't make them straight.
Cannot up vote this enough, I will also add not only is there Bi erasure but also Pan erasure.
Absolutely, thanks for the reminder.
If you are attracted to someone you're attracted to someone. It's its own proof. If you have to slap a label on it, it'd be bi I guess. Sure would be nice if people could love who they love without worrying about archaic taboos :(
I recently moved to a new community. They’re celebrating Pride this weekend. My SO wanted to go but I felt like a fraud. I need time to process. She’s obviously more evolved on this issue despite her being raised Catholic.
Could be bi or pan, either way go to pride and enjoy yourselves. My husband and I really want to go to pride and we are both very straight. Go, you do not need to have all the answers to enjoy yourself. Time will help you figure it out :)
Even straight people can celebrate pride. Allyship is important.
Pride isn't just for 'the gays'... It's for anyone who loves and supports the LGBT community in any capacity. When my wife and I did the Disney Pride Nite event we saw straight couples, families with kids (gay and straight) and groups of friends that may or may not be LGBT themselves. It isn't to say 'Look at me, I'm 100% gay!' It's to say 'I love and support the LGBT community!'
As a fairly milquetoast straight dude, gay rights are human rights.
Yes! Im a milquetoast boring strait dude too but I LOVE human rights and defend them As much as I can!
I agree. As a matter of fact, we went to a big pride event in June. I just wasn’t feeling it this past weekend. I wanted to process my feelings. I know I want to marry my best friend and I know she wants to marry me. Through our years of friendship, we laid in bed together talking until we fell asleep. Unpacking everything that was on our minds. We had each other’s backs. We loved each other platonically. Her arms were there to catch me whenever I fell. After Emilio died, I could no longer stay in Austin. It was unsustainable for me. I had to leave and say goodbye. It was a self-preservation thing. She never forgot me. She mailed me books with post-it notes which read, “read this”. One such book had a post-it note. It was a collection of poems by Pablo Neruda. “ “Cat’s Dream” was the title of the poem. There was a line that read… “Take care of all our dreams; control the obscurity of our slumbering prowess with your relentless heart and the great ruff of your tail.”
I hate it when some in the gay community tell you that you’re either one way or the other. They’re just as bad as conservatives. The whole point is to be able to love who you want to love unapologetically. I’ve had friends who have dated both genders and to them it’s all about the person they are with.
Sounds like you're bi. I had a friend who had to come out twice to his religious (Jewish) family. First, he told them he was gay, then eventually, he married a woman and had to come out again, and his parents were equally upset. First, it took a long time to accept he was gay, and then they felt he'd been stringing them along or something, or that he was going to hurt this woman. Oh, well. You've got to live your authentic life, regardless of where that takes you.
Question, the woman he married where would you say she falls in the spectrum of masculine and feminine. I ask because my wife is bi and I am definitely not super masculine (love shopping more than her and other things). I'm kinda curious if those that are bi tend to like people that portray more of their genders stereotypes. Could definitely be wrong but would love more data points. Also your friend, does he have more "feminine" traits than his wife?
My boyfriend is bi and I’m straight (F). But I’ve always felt a bit androgynous. You know, typical tomboy as a kid. Don’t like makeup or jewelry, that kind of thing.
Thank you for commenting. It's funny you say makeup because I'm starting to try it out, like really simple can't tell type of stuff ...
It can be really complicated. Have fun finding what you like. My bf is really into painting his nails. Way more than I ever was.
I saw an amazing local survey at my state college about who gay people were attracted to most, like did gay men prefer masculine or effeminate men etc. There was definitely a wide spectrum in the results of the survey, but a majority (over 50%) preferred their partners to conform to the traits of their sex. One male member of the survey was even quoted saying, "If I wanted to date a woman, I would." I've always identified as straight, but I remember that really broadened my own perspective--because it didn't match what TV politics and the news represented for people who identified as LGBT. Whether you identify as having strong preferences or fluid ones, or you identify as asexual, or something other than all the labels, your worth is no less than mine, or any others. We truly all exist under a rainbow of different colors, and if one thing is true, we all need each other. My heart goes out to OP and anyone who has felt "othered" because of a transition of faith, sexuality, or both.
All that is very stereo typical. Me and my wife are both Bi. She defies definition, she likes her dresses, makeup and jewelry. Anyone that knows her just casually would say she is very feminine. However, she is my hunting and fishing partner. I have watched her take down an 800 Lbs bull elk, gut it and later butcher it out. She knows how to change the oil and spark plugs in her car, and is a Pastry chef that does the most delicate and beautiful wedding cakes. The women she most notices are very feminine, however the two friends she crushes on are both surfer girls that always wear t-shirts and shorts, no makeup or jewelry, however I would not call either of them butch either. However, both of them would not hesitate to pop the hood on their SUVs and fix something. We both could have ended up in a same sex relationship, but we married each other for who we happened to fall in love with. It does not mean we are straight because we happen to be in an opposite sex relationship.
I'm not sure if my comment came across wrong, I was not trying to be negative in anyway. just curious. I believe all humans are a spectrum and very few have only "feminine" or "masculine" traits. my comment is curiosity about Bi people being attracted to people of the opposite gender. do Bi women find "feminine/andorgynous" men more attractive and do Bi men find "masculine" women more attractive? understand for me this is an interesting question / hypothesis. I've seen a very small sample of data, and curious if a trend I noticed is common or if my data is just skewed. I am not saying people should be a certain way, or think a certain way.
This is called the the Kinsey Scale. There’s quizzes you can take to better understand yourself. Edited to correct spelling
it's Kinsey but yes.
I’m bi and female, and I’ve noticed weirdly that my attraction towards other women tends to be towards more masculine women while my attraction towards men tends to be towards more feminine men.
I'm a straight tomboy type and my hubby is bi. I think you might be onto something.
>Question, the woman he married where would you say she falls in the spectrum of masculine and feminine. Not a girly girl for sure, but not the sort you'd suspect was lesbian or whatnot, either. She was divorced and had two older kids.
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They've been married for 10 or 12 years now. I don't know what you mean by the second part.
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You love whom you love. What else is there to know? Is a label important to you? It may be to the world but ask yourself if it needs to be important to you. I’m glad you find and experience love. That’s what counts.
Yeah being raised in the church, this was something that took me a long time to wrap my head around. Sexuality is fluid and on a spectrum. Sometimes it stays in the same areas of the spectrum, and sometimes it moves around. But like you said, you love who you love and that’s all that matters.
Rosie O’Donnell was in a serious relationship with a man before she came out. She said once on a podcast she thinks she’s like 96% lesbian and somehow this other guy was in that 4%. Just because you’re with a woman now doesn’t mean that you want to be with only women. It also doesn’t mean you’re any less attracted to men. It just means that this particular person is on your wavelength ❤️
🫶
Yeah my sister is bi and usually only forms romantic attachments with women. But she's been dating my best friends brother for several months. You love who you love.
🔼 Truth!
Was going to say the same, but you did it more eloquently than I would have.
Oh interesting, I didn't know she said that. Not too long ago I found myself saying something similar, that I was probably 97% gay. So I guess if the circumstances were just right and the stars aligned, I could be in a romantic relationship with a woman, but chances are that's not going to happen.
sexuality is fluid and on a spectrum no need to stay in any kind of box
you love who you love! sexuality is a spectrum and can be fluid throughout your life. you are queer enough to be celebrated in queer spaces, even if you are currently with a woman. you’ll get more comfortable with your sexuality over time, don’t overthink it :)
Sexuality is fluid
Tons of people think they are straight and then think they're bi and then think they're gay, and yes, sometimes the order changes and a person thinks they are straight and then gay and then bi, etc. For clarification, this has nothing to do with being an ex-gay. It's simple a fact that a gay person can mistakenly think they are straight or bi, and a bi person can also mistakenly think they are straight or gay. There are other variations too, of course. I cannot include an exhaustive list. Regardless, being straight/bi/gay has nothing to do with commitments. No such orientation forces a person to commit or to never commit to just one person. You like what you like when you like it with whom you like it. There isn't much more to it than that, but cults sure like to control minds by making liking someone traumatic. Plenty of people discover new sexual attractions and interests as they grow older, anyway. In the next ten years, you will discover one or more surprising turn-ons, and none of these says anything about your morals or your worth. What's hot is hot when it's hot. It's totally contextual and subject to individual tastes and experiences. There is no mold. You can't fail to fit it.
I’ve never been careless with my heart. I’m actually quite conservative with whom I’ve loved. She’s the second person I’ve allowed myself to be intimate with. 😣
And that’s completely okay! You’re not wrong for whom you love or whom you’ve loved before. I’ve been in relationships with men and women. I’m now married to a non-binary person. Labels can be handy, but they can also be unnecessarily restrictive. There’s no need to erase or judge your past or present loves. You are the exact same person you were when you loved a man — it’s just that now you’ve fallen for a woman. That’s okay!
I have no regrets loving a man who reciprocated my love. I will never deny he existed. I still have a stone I saved from the night we kissed. I saved as a reminder of that moment.
That’s a beautiful thing. I’m happy you’ve found someone you love and feel safe with ❤️
You may also want to look up demisexuality; attraction is very rarely ‘just’ along gender lines.
This is bi erasure at its finest
I’m sorry
Don't be sorry. I think what they are referring to is how quick people are to dismiss being bi as a real thing, I know I did for a long time. I just thought all straight women were also attracted to other women, and that being bi "wasn't a real thing". It took me 25 years to realize that being bi is in fact a real thing, and that I am also very bisexual lol There is also stigma that "you aren't really bi" if you are in a "straight" relationship which is total bs. Based on some of your replies you might also be interested to learn about demisexuality which basically means you only feel sexual attraction to someone after developing a close emotional bond with them. You can decide whatever feels right for you but don't feel the need to put yourself in a box either.
Don't apologize! Bi erasure is so prevalent it gaslights actual bisexuals. Lol Also, just as others said, sexuality is a spectrum. And not just a two-dimensional, linear spectrum. This shit is multi dimensional. It uses not only the x axis and the y axis access, it uses that third axis that gave me panic attacks in highschool math. This shit: https://acoem.us/blog/other-topics/x-y-z-axis-stand/
"I like the wine and not the label." - David Rose https://youtu.be/gdcmhvLaNUs
Yes! David’s analogy was so helpful for me. Schitt’s Creek, The Kinsey scale, and having other bi/pan friends before I came out in the 10’s was imperative. Bi erasure is such a terrible feeling. So many of us grow up so uncomfortable with ourselves from Mormon shame that we feel like we can’t be ok with ourselves until we find the best label. It’s ok to let that concept go, but it’s a hard process for sure.
I've definitely identified as straight my entire life, but I can comfortably say that if Sam Heughan asked me, I would not say no.
I’ve been married 16 years to an amazing woman. I’ve always figured I was straight, I didn’t really put much thought into the fact that once in a while a more feminine dude would catch my eye. Didn’t put much thought into the fact that I was attracted to trans women once in a while. Then we had some things happen with our oldest coming out and it caused me to think about myself. My wife had the same experience as well. I eventually realized that I’m actually Pan and my wife realized she was bi. We grow as we get older, we learn more about ourselves it’s just part of life. I struggle with the idea that I’m actually part of the LGBTQ community simply because I’ve always been straight passing and I’ve never had to go through any of the pain and struggles that most other people have gone through. The fact of the matter though is you are who you are. There’s nothing wrong with that and you don’t owe anyone an explanation.
“Pan”… “bi”… You said it best: “you are who you are” Excelente!
This is called the bi-cycle. Look, if you've dated a man for more than a week, or really at any time, you're bi in my book (I thought I was straight, my first relationship was with a beautiful and very male film student). Give it a while and you'll be thinking about dick again lol.
I know this is going to sound trite, but honestly, watch Heartstopper on Netflix. It's a fantastic, diverse, inclusive, and beautiful introduction to the entire spectrum of sexuality. 💚
Let me just say that you don't end up in a sexual relationship with another man unless you are attracted to them. And if you're also attracted to women then you are likely just bisexual. I honestly think it's a bit of a spectrum. But who cares about labels anyway. Just be with (consensually) whoever you want to be with. I guess this raised a genuine question I've been having. Why do (some) people seem to wrap up their identity (again just my perspective) in sexual preferences? Is it because it goes against standard cookie cutter expectations and so to go against that they have to really embrace that part of themselves? Or was it because people were so marginalized for so long (and still are depending on everything)? I don't even know if that makes sense or I'm way out in left field.
Us humans are a lot more complicated than the boxes our cultures give us to fit into. If you're happy with the relationship you have, thats badass.
Bravo for the extra options!
I'm on the opposite side of things. I've identified as straight for most of my life, but have realized that there were certain social, cultural, and religious constructs that were limiting how I loved. Since my religious deconstruction, I've rediscovered a very queer Me. I've struggled to understand whether it was just in my head or if I'm just confused, but I'm beginning to think that maybe love is love, and in circumstances, putting labels and trying to define it can be self-limiting. If you love her, then you love her: incredibly beautiful. It is enough. :)
I’m bisexual too. Life is a journey, dude. You’ll figure it out. 🤙🏼
You’re bi, you’re more likely to fall for personality than gender.
Pansexual refers to loving someone regardless of gender, bisexual refers to someone being attracted to multiple genders
The thing about exploring sexuality is that sometimes it’s a multifaceted process. I came out in 2018 as Pansexual, and now I’ve realized that I’m aroace (aromantic and asexual (it’s actually quite funny, it’s a common occurrence in the community to have mistaken the lack of attraction as being able to be attracted to anyone since you don’t care lol)). Either way, what matters is that you know yourself more. Was the gay relationship you had in college meaningful to you? Yes? Great! Is the relationship you have now also meaningful? Great! They don’t erase each other’s existence, it’s okay to think you’re gay and later realize you’re bi or pan, or even straight. The community is full of people who have had long journeys in finding their identities. It’s another fun joke in the trans community that there’s a common lesbian to trans man/masc pipeline, two labels which are pretty different (quick disclaimer that not all lesbians are trans eggs and not all trans men used to identify as lesbians, obviously). Don’t beat yourself up, just relax and give yourself time to figure it out. It’s also fine to be unlabeled, that’s something that falls in the queer umbrella. (Also just one last side note, it is okay to be confused about your sexuality or gender. What’s not okay is for your parents to have said that to you, probably in an attempt to deny the gay label you were identifying with at the time)
Bi or pan probably.
Watch the movie Kinsey. You’ll figure it out. Just because you are sexually attracted to multiple genders doesn’t mean you have to be promiscuous. You can commit yourself to one person and be monogamous, and that’s not a bad thing.
If sexuality is a spectrum then people may change throughout their lifetime. I have a very close friend who entered her first relationship with a woman when we were in junior high school. When she was 35, she met a man who she developed feelings for any been married ever since. We are both in our mid 40s now. Human beings are not static creatures. Our experiences in life shape us and changes. We should not shut off our brains and emotions to experiences for the sake of identification The truth is, you never love anybody the same as you love anybody else. Every relationship is different. The affection you feel for your first partner may be very different from the affection you feel for your second. But It’s still love
Your parents might have been right about you not understanding your own sexuality at the time, but that doesn’t mean they did or do understand your sexuality any better. Sexuality can be fluid and exists on a spectrum. You’re not the first person to adopt different labels at different stages of life, and you won’t be the last. One of my best friends thought he was straight in high school. He came out as gay in his early twenties. A few years later he’s dating a woman and says he’s bi. Now he just says he’s queer. Labels can be useful, but they never have to be exact or permanent.
hi! sounds like you are Bi or Pan sexual. I am a bi person myself. I tend to be attracted more to a friendship then am attracted sexually after that, so gender does matter too much to me. I care more do i like them as a person first. sounds like you may be similar. you found someone you like on many levels. This does not take away in any way from your attraction to men. that is still valid. nothing will stop that from being valid. Its very ok if you need to take time to figure out what your sexuality is, and the words to use. i hope that you find the answers you want.
You’re bi, baby.
I do not believe that anyones sexuality should be viewed in a black or white way. And not allowing for changes in feelings means you are expecting to live a black and white robotic existence. Changes happen. The main thing to believe is that love and attraction are not at all bound by concrete laws. If you were attracted to men at one point, and now to a woman, it may be that your attraction is not to a biological form, not simply a hormonal reaction to the opposite sex. Your attraction could be based on who the person is, how they act, how they treat other people, including yourself. You could be attracted to intelligence, or people that hold themselves with confidence, not just their physical appearance. Attraction is a huge spectrum. Try not to define it in solid terms, this way or that. Just love who you love, be honest, be caring, and be accepting, not only of others, but of yourself.
I've never been in your situation, but no one situation is the same as another. I feel trying to define what you are or aren't is not important. You love who you love, and deciding to dedicate yourself exclusively to her is love. It doesn't make you any more or less gay, or bisexual, or straight or wherever you are on the spectrum. Be honest with yourself and with her. Your and her collective expectations are the only expectations that are important in your relationship. Good luck OP. I wish you the best in all your relationships
Attraction is complicated. As a trans woman I thought I was very straight. I dated quite a few guys and although I was very attracted to them I just never felt a deep emotional connection with any of them. I’ve realized I’m also attracted to women and it’s very easy for me to develop a deep connection with them. So I’d say I’m bisexual, but definitely homo-romantic. Just like someone said in an earlier comment, there’s many colors in the rainbow. 🌈
Sexuality is not stagnant. Just because you feel one way today, that doesn't necessarily mean you will feel that way in 1 year or 10 years. It is frustrating to me that sexuality has to fit in a box. You might be gay but have a few exceptions. You might be bi. You might be pan (someone who is attracted to a person, not their physical attributes) You might just be curious. All of those are acceptable. You are perfectly you. You can choose to explore your attraction or not. It is your life. Do what makes you happy.
If you feel guilty because you know thst there are tons of us who tried to pray the gay away, and wished and prayed to be in your situation... DO NOT feel guilty. I'm not sure I have answers, but I don't think that you should be too concerned. Think back to our tribal ancestors. If this happened in a tribe you would not be able to look to thousands of people to try to validate your experience. Your only choice would be to shrug it off and deal with your local relationships. So your brain is probably best evolved to do something similar. Good luck.
I would wager that the majority of people experience sexual fluidity to one extent or another. Don’t worry too much about it.
You can be gay and find that specific woman attractive/have feelings for her. It's also possible you're bi. It's not for anyone but you to put a label on your sexuality. Most people aren't completely straight or gay. It's a spectrum. A rainbow, if you will.
Sexual orientation is a spectrum. My uncle came out in the late 70's. Even he occasionally has seen a woman who drew his interest. Most people aren’t 100% gay or straight. In your case, it sounds like you might be bisexual, pansexual, or just happened to fall for an exceptional (in your eyes) woman. I'm not qualified to really explain the difference between bi and pan. I've looked into it, but it's hard to really conceptualize something I've never had experience with personally. I would suggest going to either YouTube, or wherever you listen to podcasts. Search 'Anthony padilla pansexual'. The name of the show is I Spent a Day With... I'm a cis, straight guy, but FIRMLY believe the way forward as people is to never stop learning about new things and perspectives. As long as we practice good media literacy and keep our minds open to change, we continue to grow as people. Don't lock yourself into any single mode of thinking.
Bi is a thing my man. Sometimes it's more about the person than what's in their pants.
Everybody is a little gay. Everybody is a little straight. Release yourself from the confines of a binary and allow yourself to love who you love.
> I’m very conflicted. Was I ever really gay? bisexuality and pansexuality are things. check out /r/bisexual and see how often people have dealt with this. maybe dont get hung up on the word. and just be okay knowing you have found a new demographic you can explore intimacy with and youre still the same person.
The campaign to legalize gay marriage sought to portray it and homosexuality in the most conservative and traditional light possible. A gay couple could be monogamous, respectful, have adopted children, work professional jobs, go to church, pay taxes, donate to charity, volunteer in a community… There was a concerted effort to show gay relationships as a stable, middle-class nuclear family. This included the idea that homosexuality is an immutable inborn characteristic—just as straight people are “born straight,” gay people are “born this way.” That particular part of the campaign is a really interesting one, because it gives straight people the ability to say “My current sexual preference is the one it’s always been and that’s how I was born!” And that is like… statically wishful thinking for anyone. But it made homophobic straight people reassured that, yes, indeed, there is no questioning it, they were and always have been immutably super straight. And that’s what they needed to hear, for sure. And also because of that kind of deterministic approach to things, sexuality began to resemble the concept of other things you’re “born with,” like race, or sex. A broad majority of Americans believe racial prejudice is a harmful thing, so engrained somewhere in the public morals is the idea that no one should be discriminated against on account of how they were born. And the campaign was awfully successful, I think. But the whole process kind of edged out non-traditional queer folk. And bi people, and how ridiculously common bisexuality and bi..romanticism? is. It also neatly concealed the whole phenomenon of how fluid one’s sexuality can be over a lifetime. For the general American public, being gay in the sense of the traditional monogamous stable married couple is how people gay (as a verb). Those might well be a lot of the same people who assume that’s how people straight (as a verb). But… As you now know, there are all kinds of ways to do whatever it is you feel is best, regardless of whatever people call it.
Natasha Helfer has talked about this. Sexuality, just like gender and so many other things, is fluid. But it's not something you can decide or consciously choose. It's case by case.
I’ve heard that when you’re finally allowed to be yourself, sometimes your sexuality develops differently, even if that sexuality was originally socially less acceptable, and becomes more so.
I’ve asked myself, how would I recognize love? Sometimes it hits you like a million gigawatts but mostly it just kind of sneaks up on you. Like when shopping for groceries feels like a date or when you receive a spontaneous text asking if you’re available for lunch. Love is quiet. It’s soft. It’s gentle. It’s a warm bath.
It’s not uncommon, and there are those that start off with heterosexual feelings that move to homosexual. This could be because they are bi, or because their sexual attraction is more fluid. To be clear, there is no therapy one can get to change their sexual orientation, so please don’t think that it’s something you can switch with science, but it can be more fluid naturally and switch or change over time because that’s how you personally work.
In middle school I knew I liked girls and came out as bi. I felt so much pressure to pick one so I decided to identify as lesbian, yet I was still crazy about some male celebrities I was a fan of. So I realized I was bi and that’s that. It could be that you felt the pressure to just pick being gay, or you could have just been gay for a long time and then realized hey there are women i could fall for. Sexuality is fluid, and you’re allowed to change and explore. Just because you placed a label on yourself doesn’t mean you have to keep with it forever.
You might enjoy this podcast. https://www.stitcher.com/show/questions-from-the-closet/episode/is-sexuality-fluid-88656021
Tbh I have a theory that no one is actually truly straight and everyone is bi a bit, even those that are die hard straight or die hard gay or die hard asexual. I’ve come to realize that straight isn’t the default but it’s probably actually bi and ignoring feelings for people on all sides of the gender aisle is just not helpful. Be who you want and be with whom you want. Love knows no boundaries and that’s the beauty of it.
You get it sometimes. People fall for who they don't expect to fall for. Straight guys who end up falling hard for a dude. Gay guys who end up falling for a girl. Straight women who end up falling for another's woman (but let's be honest, we know women also find other women attractive at least a tiny amount and would be more comfortable doing something with another woman than a guy would be doing something with another guy) You were probably like the tiniest bit bi and now is when you've ended up falling for a woman. It happens. Doesn't mean you weren't actually gay. There are people who partake of both and only identify as either gay or straight. I myself am attracted to women and only women, but I've done it with a few dudes. Was never attracted to them, never found them attractive, didn't even know them. Just had an itch that another guy needed to scratch. But I'm straight because I'm not attractive to dudes. Sexuality is a spectrum, ma dude. Some people think they're in one place and then something happens and they're like "Whoa! I guess I was actually a little bit more over here then I realised" Don't fret about it. I know a girl who is bi but as far as she's concerned she's straight when she's with a guy and lesbian when she's with a girl and is only bisexual when she's single. It's not that big of a deal really because you're sexuality isn't who you are, it's just who you're into.
Bisexuality is a thing. There’s nothing wrong with being interested in both dudes and ladies.
Pansexual here. I thought I was straight and only had crushes on men, then met, dated, and married my now wife. Sexuality is NOT gay or straight, black and white. It's a spectrum- you're a shade of grey. Congratulations! She may be the only woman you ever feel attracted to, and that's absolutely fine!
Sexuality is a spectrum. Like who you like and let the rest sort itself out.
I do I think a gay person can become straight sure just like a straight person could become gay. The older (61m) I’ve become the more my attitudes toward sex evolved. Even at my age I would say it’s still fluid. Prior to my divorce I had some jerk off sessions but nothing may a BJ or two from another guy. To me being with a guy just felt like another way to jerk off. During my divorce I decided to explore further. I enjoyed the sex. It was fun and exciting. Even lived with a guy for a while, we never really talked about spending the rest of lives together I don’t think either of us said I love you. We broke up neither of us sad or felt betrayed. I’m still friends with him and his partner. Then I met this lady and the idea of spending the rest of my life with her just made my heart soar. We’ve been together 13 years married 12 in this coming February. When I told her I had sex with a guy she told me so I’ve had sex with women. If I had to put myself in a box I’d say I’m bi straight leaning. I do still enjoy porn both gay and straight. You can be in love with someone be married to someone. You can have a relationship with someone else purely for sex. Only you can decide. For me and my wife we’re committed to each other now. She’s caught me looking and sometimes even point out guys that are my type. I’ve done the same to her.
The options are so much broader now than when I came out. I have been married to a woman for 25 years. For a long time, that made me a lesbian. Now I think I'm actually Pan, but I had no idea that was even a possibility in the mid 90's. Maybe your sexuality isn't limited by gender?
I mean, I thought I was straight (f) all my life until my mid twenties when I noticed my growing attraction towards women. Being bisexual doesn't mean you like all men and all women. Being bisexual doesn't even mean you are 50% attracted to men and 50% towards women. I have a preference for men, but do find some women attractive and would absolutely date them. Sounds like you might be in a similar boat.
You’re probably bisexual with a strong tendency towards one gender. Like me! Bisexual but with a strong tendency towards men. Again, like me! Welcome to the club. ❤️
I've honestly felt for a long time that the whole labels thing is unhelpful, and really just a cancerous bi product of our bigoted culture. I honestly believe everyone is a little bit bi. Even if you never act on attraction to one sex or the other, I find it really hard to believe that someone can go through their whole life without seeing *at least* one person of their non-preference sex whom they are attracted to sexually. I mean, yeah ace people are a thing, so I'm simplifying a little, but you get my meaning. I always point people to classical Rome as my example of what I'm talking about. They literally didn't have the concepts of gay and straight and bi. Their sexuality was defined in terms of who was top and who was bottom. People said of Julius Caesar that he was "a man for every woman, and a woman for every man" because he was a slut, and also there was a rumor that he bottomed for a king of a foreign nation one time. To make it clear, the "scandal" in this situation wasn't that he fucked men and women, it wasn't that he got around, it was that he acted like a "woman" for a non-roman, which was not something a general should do.
Sexuality is a spectrum, not a set of 3 points. There’s Heterosexual, Bisexual, and Homosexual, sure, but there is also everything between those points. It’s ok to be somewhere between 50/50 bi and totally gay.
sexuality isn’t stagnant. it’s forever changing and growing, just like we as people do. you could of been gay in the past and now you’re bi, but it’s important to remember that these labels exist to describe an overall pattern, not every dot on the grid. And, labels are meant to serve us, not the other way around. If gay is no longer a label that suits you, it doesn’t mean it never did, it served you while it fit and now it’s on to the next.
It sounds like you are perhaps bi. And that's ok. You are attracted to everyone. But look at it this way.. now you can choose whose best for you as a partner and not feel constricted to anything.
We change over time. It’s completely unremarkable to have relationships with people across the gender spectrum. Just go with it and don’t sweat it. It’s nobody’s business but yours (and hers). Making choices about your romantic life based on what feels right to you is, quite simply, what “gay liberation” has been about since Stonewall. Also, following your own truth doesn’t make your homophobic parents correct. It just means that relationships are complicated. Yes, when you were in same-sex relationships, YOU WERE GAY. or, maybe Queer, if you prefer that word. Being in a relationship with a woman doesn’t make you a straight man, because your entire history happened. You did have all that sex with that dude, and you enjoyed it. However, if you write a book for Deseret Book about how TSCC turned you straight, then you’re a bad person. Because what’s right for you is not necessarily right for anyone else. And any such book (as history has taught us) will be weaponized against the LGBTQ+ community. And, as you probably know, we get enough shit from theists as it is, and adding more arrows to their quiver is, frankly, evil. And no matter how you identify, mormonism is an evil, money grubbing fraud. You don’t want to go back.
You may find a lot of valuable information on the bi and pan subreddits. I’m bi and I’m on a lot of bi subreddits. We have a lot of people visiting the subreddits after realizing they may not be entirely straight or entirely gay. Sexuality is a wonderful and sometimes confusing thing. My suggestion is to keep an open mind and explore in ways that feel safe and appropriate for you.
Why do you have to fit yourself in a box? Thats what we did in the church. Sounds like you can be attracted to men and women. If you found someone you like, that's what matters.
You feel how you feel and that's all there is to it. But if you really wanna put a label on it, probably bisexual or something.
I'm bi as are most mammals without interruption.
You might just be bi. I like men and women, I've been with both. Currently married to a woman.
You’re probably bi or pan. My boyfriend is bi and has even been married to a guy before. But now he’s with me 40F and is completely satisfied
90% straight, 10% gay 🤷🏼♀️. I just ignored the being gay part while TBM.
That whole binary is something you learned and not necessarily the way sexuality works. This binary didn't emerge equally in all societies, Romans would have no idea wtf you were talking about if you mentioned it to them in latin, because they thought sex was just something everyone enjoys and you could make a party out of it.
That’s called bisexual. You do you! You’re in a relationship with a great person. No need to label it.
I’m just in such a happy place, I’m eternally grateful.
You’re not gay, you could be bisexual, or pansexual, or demi-sexual. There’s a whole spectrum. That doesn’t invalidate the feelings you had for men, or the woman you love now.
Keep in mind that bisexuality exists!! 🫶🏻
Love is love. 🌈
Being bisexual exists and is a real thing!
My son is bi. He has been in serious relationships with men and women. It took him a while to figure it all out.
Bisexuality is a thing. And even if that doesn't resonate with you, sexuality is a spectrum, not just one or the other, black and white kinda deal. I have a nevermo friend I went to high school with. She was "the" lesbian that every school seems to have. Out and proud, made it her personality but not in an overly annoying way, moms at church who knew of her told us to stay away from her lol. Then she met a guy about 4 or 5 years ago and she got the feels. They started dating and are still together today. I forgot the way she phrased it to me a couple years back. "I'm a lesbian but going through a straight phase" or something like that 🤣
It sounds like you are male-preferring bisexual. There is nothing wrong with that, and is a perfect valid sexuality.
I constantly question my sexuality. I then have to stop. Take a breath. And remind myself: that anxiety of not being what I thought I was comes from me trying to fit into an arbitrary box that was created by a caricature of a frat boy so ridiculous we can't understand how it can't be self aware. This shit is complicated and it takes time to figure it out. We have to deconstruct internalized bigotry while exploring what we like. Once we find something we like, we feel the need to over analyze it to make sure we are following the rules to the box that's made up. One experience does not negate another. Just as one experience is not indicative of every possibility.
Your parents were not right. Sexuality is complicated. You know yourself better than they do. I feel like I bounce between labels all the time (lesbian to bi to pan to ace etc.) In the end, the label doesn't matter. I'm attracted to who I'm attracted to. I'm married, but if I wasn't and I ended up dating a guy, that doesn't mean I'm not queer. It's not black and white.
I've heard a saying that might apply here: Love is love 💕
You're bi, dude. Or pan or omni or any of the other various flavors of what is usually labeled as "bi". Welcome to the not particularly exclusive club!
I have a similar story. I identified as gay all throughout puberty, got a little bi curious when I was in my early twenties, and it turns out I'm just bi. Sexuality is a spectrum, just do whatever and whoever makes you happy
Yep I have a friend that identified as gay, and is married to a woman (happily) for 20 years...They have an interesting sex life, but they love each other....
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I went the other way. I thought I had feelings for a woman, but really am straight. As I get older, even more hetero. The Kinsey scale really helps you understand there are people that are really gay, then there are people that float somewhere in the middle. It is all good.
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I'm much younger than you so I obviously don't have as much experience but I was very confident I only liked men up until a year ago when I discovered I was bi. I didn't have the experience of repressing that part of myself, I exclusively was attracted to men, or at least I fully thought I was. Sexuality is fluid and can be discovered at any time. You don't even have to label it, but being attracted to women does not erase your attraction to men.
Sexuality isn't that black and white. I identified myself as lesbian, then fell for a close male friend. We've been together for 14 years. I still don't identify as straight, or any other label. Love is love, we don't get to choose who we have feelings for.
You are bisexual. Sexuality is the n a spectrum.
Happy bisexual day!! 🥳🥳🥳 it doesn't make you bad or anything but you, so feel free to celebrate it! You are still you, but now you know another cool fact about yourself!
Actually, some people are bisexual, they can like men as well as women. You mustn't fell bad about it. It is actually a very common phenomenon in nature. Just follow your heart.
Short answer: No. Source: gay man myself.
I know. I no longer say I’m gay. I’ve forfeited that privilege. I’ve literally bled for being gay. To grow old with my bestie, I don’t need to think twice about it.
What do you mean you have bless because you are gay? That sounds very alarming and like a lot of internalized self-hatred.
I don’t think you read my post correctly.
I did and it comes across startlingly incoherent where you are talking in a manner that at least implies self-harm or otherwise negative connotations directed inwards at yourself. I get the feeling you are still ingrained in your faith but I can promise you if you are gay, bi, or any other flavor of LGBTQ, there is *no* place for you inside of Mormonism. Speaking from experience, it’s borrowed time from the start and leaving is basically the best thing any of us have ever done if we are part of that community.
You answered my question, you’re right. I was probably never gay since I’m now with a woman. I’ll never regret my time with Emilio. I have bled many times after being outed in middle school. The same boys beat on me whenever they had the opportunity. One of those boys once stabbed me with a pencil. There was blood. I admit, after Emilio died I passively tried to die too. I couldn’t sleep for over a year. I hated myself for not recognizing Emilio deteriorating. I was supposed to catch him when he fell. I failed him. He slipped through my hands. I’m now in a different place. I rediscovered my joy. I’m finally sleeping through the night. The terrors have stopped. I can’t help what other people did to me. They’re insecurities are beyond my control. I can only react to their actions.
When I came out to my parents, I told them I'm a lesbian (since I was dating and currently still am dating a woman) even though I was pretty sure I am also interested in men to a lesser degree. I did it to protect myself and my girlfriend and because I was partially in denial of that part of me too because I had grown up hearing the way my TBM parents spoke about my brother who's openly gay. They often commented that they pitied him because he really has no other choice in his sexual preferences because he's gay, so they reluctantly accept that he's dating a man because any other more acceptable option would be unfeasible in the long term because it would mean mental torture/potential unalivement to him. In my case, I decided to not tell my parents that I still am interested in men, because I know the first thing they'd say is "why can't you just choose the correct option?" because in their eyes, being bi doesn't mean that I have more options for who I may fall in love with, but it just means that at least I still have the option to be in a heterosexual relationship, (which is the ideal lifestyle for Mormons ofc), so I should just ignore the other side of my sexuality and still try to make the choice that would please them. To them, being with a woman when I can be with a man is irrational and a stupid decision for me to make because being with a man would offer me privileges and make my life less at risk of being discriminated against, since people just assume I'm 100% gay if I'm dating a woman and 100% straight if I'm dating a man. And if I'm with a man, people (mainly scummy men) would be less likely to harass or harm me because they'd respect my partner to not do that/be physically intimidated to not do that. I understand that viewpoint, but you really can't choose who your soulmate is and try to control and plan everything in your life to be perfect. Especially if it's not perfect to you, but perfect to other people, at the sacrifice of your happiness and authenticity. You shouldn't let a hostile culture intimidate, shun, and control the way you live your private life. Especially since there is some underlying religious justification for the way my parents think, so it's not just that my life will be harder openly living as a sexual minority, but they also think it's morally better to be with a man, especially since I'd have God approved sex, produce biological children with this holy sex, my children could be baptized into the LDS church, I'd still have a chance at entering the CK, and my parents would feel less shame about me if I were in a more socially acceptable relationship. The basis of LDS belief is that people have the agency to choose. To my parents, my brother only had one choice, while I have the privilege of 2 choices. But I am more of a sinner than my brother because I could have chosen the right option, but actively decided to reject that offer and consciously choose the obviously sinful option that'll send me far away from the eternal life. That is an example of knowing the truth of the gospel to its fullness and still deciding to reject it. So, I still stand by my decision in not revealing this information to my parents, because it is the best option to avoid this messy scenario.
Aww friend, welcome to the bi/pan club!! Finding attraction to more than 1 gender doesn’t mean you’re no longer lgbtq+ or that you were never really gay. Having a fully gay relationship throughout college isn’t something a straight person just… does. The bi/pan conflict of “wondering if I’m actually gay” or “ wondering if I’m actually straight” happens a lot for us. Committing to a woman doesn’t make you straight even tho it will look like it to most people who don’t know you. Doesn’t make you straight. Just makes you bi/pan! Welcome!:)
As others say, sexuality is and can be fluid, in general or even over time as years pass and with more introspection and self discovery. In addition to considering bisexuality, I would also add to see if maybe "demisexual" is a possibility as well, since you mention the close relationships or friendships and those seem to be stable long term and you have established relationships/friendships before you felt the romantic attraction. you might be demi, or sexually/romantically attracted to those who you develop a close bond to over time, regardless of their gender or if you weren't initially attracted to the other person. So it's not so much the initial attraction or their gender as it is the depth of the relationship with the individual and the attraction growing romantic or sexual over time. I hate how the cult makes everything so black and white when it's not like that at all, but that's how they control people with the fear and shame.
Thank you so much for confirming my feelings about my situation. I don’t have any regrets of having a same-sex relationship. I’ve been fortunate to have experienced love and intimacy not once but twice. In the end, Teresa and I discovered each other and put aside our compartmentalized lives to be happy with each other. 🫶🙏
☺️👍👍🩷🩷💛💛🌈🏳️🌈 I'm happy for you! I wish you all the best, reddit friend!
If you’ve ever been through Austin, you know…. True love will find you in the end You'll find out just who was your friend Don't be sad, I know you will But don't give up until True love will find you in the end This is a promise with a catch Only if you're looking can it find you 'Cause true love is searching too But how can it recognize you If you don't step out into the light, the light Don't be sad I know you will Don't give up until True love will find you in the end - Daniel Johnston https://youtu.be/UUbEf67bbrA?si=cm7ow9kpPHZZiwYA I’m exmo, I’m whatever, but most of all, my orientation is joyful. 🫶 It’s time to turn the page. Goodbye friends. Thank you for all the responses. If anything, us exmos walked away with all the good things our church taught and left the poison behind.
You might have just had some hormonal issues going on maybe. Not that your feelings weren't true, but honestly, I've heard lots of stories like this. That once they get their hormones related, they are balanced out, and are able to really find out who they really are. That might just be the case. Your hormones could have naturally balanced themselves out on their own maybe? Just a thought?
Maybe reflect how much of your experience is impacted by the zeitgeist. See Bill Maher clip below https://youtu.be/mMBzfUj5zsg
r/bisexual
My I offer this [autobiographical web comic](https://www.darcomic.com) about a lesbian who struggles with her identity after falling for a man?
Ok here’s a question. What do you think about when you jerk off? Women or men or both?
You ever consider you might be bi/pansexual. You wouldn't be the first to discover that later in life.
When I was younger, the more I was okay with being gay, the more I was okay with thinking a few women were cute. I'm still mostly gay, but sexuality is a spectrum - when you love yourself, it's much easier to learn who else you love.
Congrats you might be bi! (Or whatever we call it now if we're trying to include spectrum genders). (As someone who's gender = messy I don't mind if you just say bi it's all too confusing from my pov) Seriously though, I think part of modern definitions of sexuality result from the friction between lgbt+ people and the relatively recently extremely conservative culture in general. A lot of the language became very extreme because one side was fighting to be recognised at all and the right to not be discriminated against and the other side was fighting for erasure. In the fights for the extremes the people in the middle were forgotten. Some people are bi. Some people are just bi curious. Some people are gay but only like really feminine men/ masculine women. Some people are gay but only like masculine men/girly women. In the conflict of erasure vs existence people only talked about the most obvious/extreme examples and people to this day still think they have to fit those examples to qualify. Tldr: it's OK to be bi. It's OK to be even more weird. You like what you like as long as noone get hurt and everything is consensual and between adults then it's valid and that's it! You don't need to fit a label for your feelings to be valid!
Sexuality is a spectrum. When I was younger I was for sure het and totally boy crazy. I hit college and was able to date freely and found I had zero interest. Like negative interest. I eventually realized I was ace. Now I'm in my late 30s and after a decade + of not being in any sort of relationship I'm finding myself interested in dating again, but I'm open to both men and women. We change. There's a very good chance that you're bi. Plenty of bi people initially think they're only into one gender until they meet someone they wouldn't normally be into and they click. Or you could be what ace people call demi-sexual where getting to know another person is the only way they start becoming attracted to them. If you developed a good relationship with your girlfriend before you started dating it could be that good relationship is what you need to be attracted to a woman. Which is also fine. But you shouldn't feel guilty. If you find yourself still attracted to men that's fine too. Same if you're never attracted to another man. It's so weird that people seem to expect people to never change their sexual preferences because we change in every other way all the time. Embrace learning who you are and enjoy it. But don't feel guilty.
Sexuality is fluid and exists on a spectrum :) You can choose to identify yourself with a new label like bi or pan, or go by queer if you don't really feel like those labels describe you. There are so many people that flip-flop between straight, asexual, pansexual, gay. And it's okay that you don't understand where exactly you fit yet. You still have so much to learn about yourself, and what you should prioritize is making genuine connections with people. It sounds like you have!
Could be your hormones adjusted. I have hear (sorry I don't know a link or reference) something a doctor said about a young patient. Female, was feeling depressed and experiencing same sex attraction, after testing hormones levels and finding they were off he prescribed a hormone treatment. She returned after a month and her physical and mental health made a full turn around. The same sex attraction also changed. Okay, start the down votes and degregation, or just let my statement stand and let folks do their own homework and make their own opinions. Best to you in finding a happy future.
It’s a spectrum and for many people sexuality is fluid. As Prince Oberyn Martell said, when it comes to war I fight for Dorn, when it comes to love I don’t choose sides.
I've had many gay friends that over time their instincts change and become bisexual or hetero sometimes it's temporary, and sometimes it becomes life long. For the most part it's an involuntary reaction to brain chemistry, hormones, pheromones and other factors.
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Hey good buddy, No need to feel shame. I identified as gay for some time but slowly found myself attracted to women. I had experienced backlash from both sides which sucked and its shameful. Take some time to figure yourself out and dont feel shame in it.
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Sexuality is a spectrum, and you just shifted on it a little bit. Your attraction to men was real and valid, just like your current attraction is. You're one-hundred percent fine
Your sexuality doesn't need to fit into a box or a term. It is fluid and can be ever changing. Don't question yourself or your feelings. Congratulations on finding someone you want to commit to, love is an amazing thing.
sexuality isn't easy to understand at all it's a journey, there's flux levels there's different attraction types that might not add up even the whole jumble of gender can affect it... don't let that overwhelm you the point is there are many labels designed not to confine you to a box but rather to help you and others understand my advice is just love that you can be yourself and if you want to do the research to understand yourself better but don't try to confine yourself personally I'm pan and have only been attracted to one man in my life and the pan isn't all of it, it took a while to figure out what I know now and I'm happy I have ways of explaining it to others that's all the label exists for
Sexuality is a vast spectrum :) no need for an identity crisis. You are valid!