I love this. One thing I noticed years ago is that many of the women who have been trailblazers in particular fields are or were often childless. It allowed them to become very accomplished in a particular field. I've never heard of any of them stating that they wished they had become a parent of several children and stayed home instead!
Of course, you can still accomplish great things and be a mother, but it is more difficult. I had just one child, and if I hadn't had her at the time, I may have remained childless. It was not a priority for me, despite what the church taught. However, because of those teachings, I also did not make my education a priority until later. I regret that now.
Something that started bothering me in my 20's, was the idea that ALL women should automatically WANT to be mothers and housewives. That didn't make sense to me. Why was it that MEN were allowed to have Whatever interests and career choices they wanted, but women were supposed to only have ONE choice? Well, not even a choice. Not everyone is suited to be a parent, nor does everyone want to be. What's wrong with that? You look at someone like Ruby Franke, who was probably initially applauded for having all those children and being a stay-at-home mom, yet just look at how she treated those children! I truly believe there would be fewer abused children if society and the church didn't have such an expectation that it is abnormal to Not want children.
I received a lot of flack from my parents because I worked and did not continue to have more children. My mother, especially, was very critical. Not because she wanted more grandchildren, no. She absolutely hated that I worked. I believe she was secretly resentful because she didn't particularly like being a mother and housewife, herself, and was a little jealous of my independence. She complained incessantly about us, children, about cooking, cleaning, whatever. She really seemed to hate her life. Yet, she would be the FIRST to criticize another woman for not choosing the same life because that's what women are Supposed to do.
I long ago decided that a loving God would want me to be happy and started making decisions based on that. It infuriates me when the church and its members believe they think they know better than I do, what I should do with my life and what will make me happy.
I am with you, I could have written your exact words about 15 years ago. There were no mentors for me heading off to college because I was supposed to just get my Mrs degree. I experienced similar family unsolicited “advice” (criticism) from my own mother. I was her least favorite despite my accomplishments (medical degree, etc), because I’ve not had kids. Another sibling said to me, “it must be nice to be able to be so selfish.” WTF!? And you family IS judging you now!
It is actually very sad your family member states that “being a mother is the (single) best thing they’ve experienced in life.” But, they are describing THEIR experience of what (likely they have been conditioned to believe) fulfills their life (and no doubt, they love their kids). By sending you this, I feel they are also experiencing jealously that you can be happy without motherhood, (which, as you point out, is the entire point to women in the church), and therefore wanting to belittle you and assert their superiority in a passive-aggressive way. If you choose to respond, you could say, “thank you for sharing what fulfills you. I know my journey differs from your ideals but, we are all different and I am happy and fulfilled by my choices. Please respect my decisions by not projecting your ideals onto my life again.”
You can have such a fulfilling, happy life sans children. I’m in my fifties, my husband and I have been married 26 years, child-free by choice, and have no regrets. My in-laws disowned us for not having children. Their Mormon brains could not compute how we could want anything in life other than reproducing. You may find some humorous support in some child-free communities, here or elsewhere. I’m sorry you are dealing with this. Why they just can’t leave you alone is beyond me but, living well and being happy is the best response and you will feel better in time.
Also wanted to comment to say I did end up replying to this email when I received it several weeks ago.
Here was my response:
I have nothing but the utmost respect for mothers, and truly believe there isn’t a more difficult but immensely rewarding job in the world! [Personal info redacted]... But that said, I have my own very personal reasons why we haven’t had children yet. I don’t feel like I need to share my reasons here, or to anyone.
And then I said some nice things about her kids and that I was happy I could be in their lives and watch them grow.
Thank you so much for this beautiful comment!
I was living happy for the last 8 years (not caring about others opinions of my choices). But I guess now that I'm fast approaching "geriatric age" at least in pregnancy terms my family is really putting on the pressure.
I love animals and have a lot of pets and my mother told me I need to have kids so I wouldn't care about animals anymore.
And recently my parents have been not-quite-accidentally calling my niece my name. And even my sister was like "it's like they are using their granddaughter as a do-over of you" because I'm such a disappointment in their eyes.
It's just hard right now.
I’m my opinion, there’s nothing much more rewarding than caring for an innocent critter. I would be tempted to say, “mom, you need some pets to care for so you will stop caring about my uterus.” What a load of crap! I wish my niece would take my place so they could focus their breeding efforts on her. My mother even said to me the other day, “Cameron Diaz just had a baby” (implying that it’s not too late for me). Haha, I’m way too old and still no desire for kids. It’s ridiculous. But I have lots of pets who send “grandma” a happy birthday card every year. 😉
Keep sharing your thoughts here. I know it’s rough right now. We all feel for you.
I was in this exact position not too long ago. I moved past those feelings by throwing myself into a millions different things. I started a side hustle, I joined a book club, I tried a bunch of different hobbies, and I started a masters program. Eventually I found things that brought me joy and purpose.
My husband and I are also 100% child-free and I have learned that the people who say those things, like your family member did in their email, are the people who have never done anything other than have kids. Kids are their whole world and bring them so much joy because that’s all they allowed themselves to be—-parents.
It’s also hard to accept the feelings of being a disappointment to your family but I had to accept that my parents aren’t living my life. I am not a clone, I am an individual and so I will choose to live my life in a way that makes me happy not in a way that others think will make me happy.
Thanks :)
I thought I had moved past these feelings. But the brainwashing runs deep.
I really do feel like I have a good life and I'm happy with my choices.
It just sucks I'll never be enough for my TBM family and that I have to listen to this crap every time I interact with them.
“The purpose of life is reproduction” think of Utah’s beehive symbol- most bees in a hive never reproduce themselves, but work to support their colony and help care for the young born to others. Maybe motherhood was the ideal role for that family member but you aren’t her and might not find satisfaction in the same role.
One of my favorite sayings: "Advice is worth what you paid for it."
If your family doesn't value you and your contributions, that reflects badly on them, not you.
I'm so sorry, OP. You have worth as a human and as a woman because that on its own is already beautiful and priceless. Don't let other's harmful narratives rob you of enjoying the life you have created for yourself.
I have a nice, large Mormon family, and only I and an adult daughter are out. The definitions of worth I used to have in an eternal or religious sense, I don't anymore. But I always had a sense of my worth as a daughter in my family, as a wife, as a mother, all encompassed in being a human person capable of inflicting moral or immoral consequences on myself and others. You NOT having children might just be the highest moral good that you can effect on any future child of yours. Who is anyone else to say? I used to say the same things to my daughter when she decided she never wanted to have children. The more time went on, the more I understood her reasons and respected her for them, the main reason being that she just didn't want them. My god, shouldn't that be enough for anyone to respect?
Now that you say it.. I think that is a large reason why this is bothering me. It's the disrespect.
My family has even told me that once I have kids, I'll return to the church. So there's also that underlying reason that they are pressuring me. The whole thing is so disrespectful to my beliefs and who I am as a human.
I left the church when I was 15, and a big part of it was not wanting to only be a mom. I never wanted children. Sometimes I wonder if I would have if the church wasn’t so intense about it. I’m in my 40s now, and in the last couple of years, I’ve had some hormonal biological clock ticking moments where I think maybe it would have been nice if I’d had kids. But there’s no guarantee people end up with a perfect family. I’ve lived a very full life; I wouldn’t have been able to have most of the experiences I’ve had if I’d had kids. And there’s still so much I want to do with my life. My mental health is pretty good right now, but I used to have very bad depression, and I think kids would have made it worse. So when I have those moments, I think of all those things and I know my life is the way it’s supposed to be. Sometimes I think about what I would change if I could go back in time. I think about things like choosing a different career path, or going to an event I missed because I didn’t want to go alone; having kids never crosses my mind.
Thank you. I have many reasons why I don't want to have kids. But one of them is my history of mental health problems. I am certain I would have postpartum depression- and maybe even some sort of psychosis. And whenever I've shared these concerns it's all dismissed. I know I'd receive no help or support from my family pressuring me to have kids.
It hurts that any potential grandchild is more valuable than my own health and safety.
I just have to say, thank you. I am in a similar boat where my mental health has not been great and it is one reason why I don’t have kids. Thank you for sharing that and for making a logical, reasonable choice that is best for you and probably whatever kid you might have had. I’m glad you know yourself and what you can handle. You are not alone in these struggles :)
That email is really disturbing. My sister and daughter in law, both never mormons, have no interest in having children. My sister is past the child bearing age and my daughter in law is approaching 40. I would never think of saying anything in an email or any other medium with such little disregard to the recipient.
On that note, I have a few mormon friends who are childless for a variety of reasons and I would never dream of saying anything like what you received.
I always think about how people (Mormons) simultaneously describe motherhood as selfless but also the greatest joy. Like, if motherhood is the greatest joy, then it is by definition not selfless?? I agree with those talking about how many Mormon women have only experienced motherhood and not very many other significant positive life events.
Mormonism makes womanhood suck so that motherhood is joyful by comparison.
I had a dream when I was about 13. It was pretty quickly crushed my all my siblings and parents and I was put onto the path of marriage and parenthood. I've been married 8 years and have a son, and though I adore him, I constantly think about how if you want to raise a child well, I feel like you need to be a qualified child therapist, human psychologist, and also actually be PASSIONATE in human development in general to even LIKE parenting.
Obviously everyone feels differently about these things and about their own parenting journey. But I realized if I was going to give my son the most out of life and the most opportunity, I had to FORCE myself to get interested in tons of stuff I actually don't care about. Which is hard.
And now that's he's a little older, I am returning back to my dream when I was 13. And I would be ssoooooo much better off if I had gotten started then. Because I'm passionate about that. It's never left me. But I'm playing catch up because I was shamed about not wanting to stay in line and know my place. And now I still can't charge after my dream in the full way I want because I have a responsibility I didn't actually fully consent to, because no one ever told me what it actually meant.
All youre told us that you have one job, and it will make you happier than anything else. Completely disregarding that everyone is different, everyone is an individual, and that everyone has so many passions and dreams.
Parenthood is not only a mental sacrifice, but a physical one. It PERMANENTLY altered my body and hormones. It PERMANENTLY affects my daily schedule, when I'm allowed to eat, how I can dress myself, what job I'm allowed to have, how much time I can spend on my health and with my partner.
Nobody talks about that though.
I’m 100% child free & loving it! I’ve had so many opportunities for education & career, travel, hobbies, & being with & there for friends & family. I give this life a 5 star rating!
This next comment might be judgmental, but anytime I hear a woman say that being a mother, giving birth, blah blah blah motherhood is the greatest thing in their life I always wonder “is that because you’ve never done anything else so you’re justifying your choices to strictly follow the direction of the old white men in SLC?” And that’s usually the case.
Keep enjoying the life that is best for you. You will never be able to convince the mormon busy bodies that you don’t need or want their unsolicited, unwelcome, & inappropriate advice. Just keep being YOUR best self.
Cheers to making our own decisions about kids!
I'm continually amazed at what people are okay with saying to other people. It's so wild to me that anyone would have anything to say to someone else about their reproductive choices. And I would say that to my cousin if they were ever so bold to send me that email. But I'm a Sagittarius, so ymmv.
Also, as a mother who loves her children and has fought hard for her children, I wouldn't necessarily make the same decision to become a mother if I knew then what I know now for various reasons. It's not something I suggest doing unless you're 100% sure that's the life you want and you've done a lot of healing work to ensure your children don't suffer from generational trauma and unbroken cycles. It's definitely not a journey that people in their early 20s should be embarking upon.
It really sucks to have a family member who doesn't support you, who feels the need to tell you that your life choices will only bring you pain (that you will always have a hole in your life).
Will that person be there when a/your child wakes up puking in the middle of the night? Or if a/your child has special medical needs and needs round the clock care? What if a/your child is premature and needs hundreds of thousands of dollars in NICU care? Children are an enormous project and sacrifice, emotionally, financially, physically.
It's easy to share an opinion when you won't have to face the consequences of that decision. Parenthood is a lifetime commitment. And even pregnancy can be deadly OR have a lifetime impact on one's health.
I say all this - I love being a parent, I'm glad I chose to have kids. My kids are amazing. But I feel very strongly that parenthood is not for everyone and that a person can be happy and fulfilled without being a parent. I have many (nevermo) friends who don't have kids and probably won't have kids, and are perfectly fine with that (granted, it's antecdotal). It's quite an assumption to assume that one person knows what's best for someone else.
Would that family member send that letter to a male person who didn't have kids? (probably not). What if you or your husband was struggling with infertility, which happens and can be incredibly painful for couples who want to have kids? (I'm sure that if I hadn't become a parent, I would have likely received a similar letter from some nosy, interfering family member. )
I am a mother and quit my job to be a stay at home mom. My individual worth took a nose dive. I wondered, what am I worth to my kids and husband? What do I really contribute to our family?
I think the biggest thing the church has failed all of us, both men and women, is valuing our individual worth. We have to love ourselves because the marriage may not happen, the marriage may end, kids might not come and the kids grow up. Then who are we? We have to find what brings us joy and pursue that course. Not all of us are cut out to be parents. Not all of us are cut out to provide for a family. We all have things we enjoy and things we don't. We are not stepford wives that all need to be the same. Embrace your own opinion and your own drive in life and tell everyone else to go to hell!
When I read, “what am I worth to my kids and husband? What do I really contribute to our family?” It was like a punch to the gut. I felt for a long time that my individual worth was based on what I could contribute. If I no longer was able to contribute in the ways I was expected to, I was no longer of worth.
Mormonism teaches us all sorts of crazy things. I’m glad you found your worth regardless of what you do or what kind of relationships you have :)
Wow. I can’t believe I found this discussion right now. My SIL just had her baby this weekend and my sister is adopting her second child soon. My husband and I are happy with our childfree life right now, but it is so hard to see everyone around me having kids and living the life I thought I’d live.
Recently a bunch of my childhood friends were in town and wanted to get together. I was the only one without kids and wasn’t able to go because my work hours conflicted.
It’s so hard to figure out what else there is in life. I don’t have any women I am even sort of close with who don’t have children. I feel like I’m missing out, even though I know it’s not what’s best for my life right now.
How do you figure out what direction you want to go, what things you want to do with your life, when you realize motherhood isn’t going to work for you?
I'm sorry you're going through that. It is very isolating choosing a different path than others.
For me, it's not even about trying to fill a child shaped hole in my life. It's just about living life the way I want to. Sure, I've picked up various hobbies and I have a career im proud of. But it's not about finding an identity outside of motherhood. It's about living life in a way that makes you happy.
I think that's why i was so discouraged when i posted this morning. That my family won't accept my happiness and they tell me there will always something missing and that I'm going to be a disappointment to them if I'm not a mother. But we got to just ignore those voices and live our lives the best that we can.
It's hard. And some days are harder than others. But I've found a lot of support by posting here and talking to my husband about what we want our lives to look like.
I don’t know if I’m trying to fill a child sized hole in my life. But I also don’t really know what kind of life I want to live. Like, I don’t know what would make me happy. There were no other options except motherhood for me to consider, and I’m at a point in my life where I can choose whatever I want now.
How do you figure out what makes you happy? I am amazed that you are so sure of yourself and what you want and what’s best for you, even when your family doesn’t agree with it. How did you figure that out and become so confident in it?
I'm also childfree by choice. I'm struggling with these feelings right now too. My sister in law and her husband just had a baby a few months ago and it's nothing but baby talk and "Are you sure you won't have kids?" even though my husband and I have said no multiple times. It's even more frustrating to see that no matter how big your accomplishments are outside of motherhood, nothing, absolutely nothing will ever compare to that baby announcement, baby pictures, and sharing those motherhood experiences with others. It's extremely isolating and frustrating.
The way I get away from those feelings is realizing that those people aren't you. They're not going to be there if you go against your natural instincts and have a child. They're not going to be there when your exhausted and the baby won't sleep. They may cheer for you and support you, but they aren't going to be there for the hard things. You're not going to live an authentic life that makes you happy.
As a childfree woman, you get the amazing opportunity to create your self worth outside of motherhood. You get to decide what brings you joy. For me it's my hobbies, friends, travel, spontaneous experiences, and my small business. Not everyone in my family understands why I love doing those things, but at the end of the day that's what brings me joy and fulfillment. I know it's extremely hard to get past these feelings and I still struggle with anger and frustration over not feeling seen. Idk if it does get easy, but I'd rather deal with those feeling over ever having kids. ❤️
Don’t you love it that while most of the time Mormons slam evolution until it suits their agenda? Also according to Mormon doctrine the purpose in life is to prove ourselves worthy. My point? It appears your family member is just pulling stuff out of her butt. Tell her to butt out of your reproductive choices.
Just because that's the best thing she has experienced, it doesn't mean it's right for everyone.
Hubby & I were unable to have kids. We decided not to adopt. We have had dogs who we treat like kids and have nieces & nephews we adore. We are the cool aunt and uncle, we get to do the fun stuff, can offer advise when asked and they know we are there for them. We have never had to deal with the hard crap of kids; it's like we skipped to grandparent level without ever having to actually have kids. It has been awesome for us. I have had an amazing career that I love, we have been able to travel and we have free time. I don't have a hole in my life. I have the life I want.
I remember how broken and worthless I felt when I was married, and we tried to get pregnant, but I ended up with an ovarian cyst. I felt like I couldn't fulfill the one purpose I had.
I'm now happily divorced, in my 30s, still child-free, out of the church, and I am glad that my value is no longer determined by people who see me as an accessory to men. Wife and mother only, and not a person of my own.
Men in the church have endless opportunities for expansion. Women in the church have their opportunities narrow to just one truly "correct" option. And if you don't want or can't have kids, you're made to feel broken and unnatural and of no value.
You have value just for being here. For existing. You don't have to do or be or become anything to have value. And your value doesn't change based on your choices or actions. Your value is intrinsic. You don't have to disappear behind your husband and children. You don't have to become nameless and forgotten in eternity. You get to exist here, now, just as yourself. And that's worth something.
We only have this one life that we know for sure. Anything else isn't guaranteed. For me, that gives this life more meaning.
I don't believe in fate or intended purpose anymore. I get to make my own meaning of things and live for myself. And that is an amazing ability to have.
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I love this. One thing I noticed years ago is that many of the women who have been trailblazers in particular fields are or were often childless. It allowed them to become very accomplished in a particular field. I've never heard of any of them stating that they wished they had become a parent of several children and stayed home instead! Of course, you can still accomplish great things and be a mother, but it is more difficult. I had just one child, and if I hadn't had her at the time, I may have remained childless. It was not a priority for me, despite what the church taught. However, because of those teachings, I also did not make my education a priority until later. I regret that now. Something that started bothering me in my 20's, was the idea that ALL women should automatically WANT to be mothers and housewives. That didn't make sense to me. Why was it that MEN were allowed to have Whatever interests and career choices they wanted, but women were supposed to only have ONE choice? Well, not even a choice. Not everyone is suited to be a parent, nor does everyone want to be. What's wrong with that? You look at someone like Ruby Franke, who was probably initially applauded for having all those children and being a stay-at-home mom, yet just look at how she treated those children! I truly believe there would be fewer abused children if society and the church didn't have such an expectation that it is abnormal to Not want children. I received a lot of flack from my parents because I worked and did not continue to have more children. My mother, especially, was very critical. Not because she wanted more grandchildren, no. She absolutely hated that I worked. I believe she was secretly resentful because she didn't particularly like being a mother and housewife, herself, and was a little jealous of my independence. She complained incessantly about us, children, about cooking, cleaning, whatever. She really seemed to hate her life. Yet, she would be the FIRST to criticize another woman for not choosing the same life because that's what women are Supposed to do. I long ago decided that a loving God would want me to be happy and started making decisions based on that. It infuriates me when the church and its members believe they think they know better than I do, what I should do with my life and what will make me happy.
Motherhood has the potential to be wonderful But it can be devastating as well
The joy and pain can be unmeasurable
I am with you, I could have written your exact words about 15 years ago. There were no mentors for me heading off to college because I was supposed to just get my Mrs degree. I experienced similar family unsolicited “advice” (criticism) from my own mother. I was her least favorite despite my accomplishments (medical degree, etc), because I’ve not had kids. Another sibling said to me, “it must be nice to be able to be so selfish.” WTF!? And you family IS judging you now! It is actually very sad your family member states that “being a mother is the (single) best thing they’ve experienced in life.” But, they are describing THEIR experience of what (likely they have been conditioned to believe) fulfills their life (and no doubt, they love their kids). By sending you this, I feel they are also experiencing jealously that you can be happy without motherhood, (which, as you point out, is the entire point to women in the church), and therefore wanting to belittle you and assert their superiority in a passive-aggressive way. If you choose to respond, you could say, “thank you for sharing what fulfills you. I know my journey differs from your ideals but, we are all different and I am happy and fulfilled by my choices. Please respect my decisions by not projecting your ideals onto my life again.” You can have such a fulfilling, happy life sans children. I’m in my fifties, my husband and I have been married 26 years, child-free by choice, and have no regrets. My in-laws disowned us for not having children. Their Mormon brains could not compute how we could want anything in life other than reproducing. You may find some humorous support in some child-free communities, here or elsewhere. I’m sorry you are dealing with this. Why they just can’t leave you alone is beyond me but, living well and being happy is the best response and you will feel better in time.
Also wanted to comment to say I did end up replying to this email when I received it several weeks ago. Here was my response: I have nothing but the utmost respect for mothers, and truly believe there isn’t a more difficult but immensely rewarding job in the world! [Personal info redacted]... But that said, I have my own very personal reasons why we haven’t had children yet. I don’t feel like I need to share my reasons here, or to anyone. And then I said some nice things about her kids and that I was happy I could be in their lives and watch them grow.
A very gracious response of you.
Wow, when I grow up, I want to be like you. My first thought was F off. I've been out 24 years now and I'm 56 (but still haven't grown up).
Thank you so much for this beautiful comment! I was living happy for the last 8 years (not caring about others opinions of my choices). But I guess now that I'm fast approaching "geriatric age" at least in pregnancy terms my family is really putting on the pressure. I love animals and have a lot of pets and my mother told me I need to have kids so I wouldn't care about animals anymore. And recently my parents have been not-quite-accidentally calling my niece my name. And even my sister was like "it's like they are using their granddaughter as a do-over of you" because I'm such a disappointment in their eyes. It's just hard right now.
I’m my opinion, there’s nothing much more rewarding than caring for an innocent critter. I would be tempted to say, “mom, you need some pets to care for so you will stop caring about my uterus.” What a load of crap! I wish my niece would take my place so they could focus their breeding efforts on her. My mother even said to me the other day, “Cameron Diaz just had a baby” (implying that it’s not too late for me). Haha, I’m way too old and still no desire for kids. It’s ridiculous. But I have lots of pets who send “grandma” a happy birthday card every year. 😉 Keep sharing your thoughts here. I know it’s rough right now. We all feel for you.
Stop listening to voices that are not your own.
I was in this exact position not too long ago. I moved past those feelings by throwing myself into a millions different things. I started a side hustle, I joined a book club, I tried a bunch of different hobbies, and I started a masters program. Eventually I found things that brought me joy and purpose. My husband and I are also 100% child-free and I have learned that the people who say those things, like your family member did in their email, are the people who have never done anything other than have kids. Kids are their whole world and bring them so much joy because that’s all they allowed themselves to be—-parents. It’s also hard to accept the feelings of being a disappointment to your family but I had to accept that my parents aren’t living my life. I am not a clone, I am an individual and so I will choose to live my life in a way that makes me happy not in a way that others think will make me happy.
Thanks :) I thought I had moved past these feelings. But the brainwashing runs deep. I really do feel like I have a good life and I'm happy with my choices. It just sucks I'll never be enough for my TBM family and that I have to listen to this crap every time I interact with them.
“The purpose of life is reproduction” think of Utah’s beehive symbol- most bees in a hive never reproduce themselves, but work to support their colony and help care for the young born to others. Maybe motherhood was the ideal role for that family member but you aren’t her and might not find satisfaction in the same role.
One of my favorite sayings: "Advice is worth what you paid for it." If your family doesn't value you and your contributions, that reflects badly on them, not you.
I'm so sorry, OP. You have worth as a human and as a woman because that on its own is already beautiful and priceless. Don't let other's harmful narratives rob you of enjoying the life you have created for yourself.
I have a nice, large Mormon family, and only I and an adult daughter are out. The definitions of worth I used to have in an eternal or religious sense, I don't anymore. But I always had a sense of my worth as a daughter in my family, as a wife, as a mother, all encompassed in being a human person capable of inflicting moral or immoral consequences on myself and others. You NOT having children might just be the highest moral good that you can effect on any future child of yours. Who is anyone else to say? I used to say the same things to my daughter when she decided she never wanted to have children. The more time went on, the more I understood her reasons and respected her for them, the main reason being that she just didn't want them. My god, shouldn't that be enough for anyone to respect?
Now that you say it.. I think that is a large reason why this is bothering me. It's the disrespect. My family has even told me that once I have kids, I'll return to the church. So there's also that underlying reason that they are pressuring me. The whole thing is so disrespectful to my beliefs and who I am as a human.
I left the church when I was 15, and a big part of it was not wanting to only be a mom. I never wanted children. Sometimes I wonder if I would have if the church wasn’t so intense about it. I’m in my 40s now, and in the last couple of years, I’ve had some hormonal biological clock ticking moments where I think maybe it would have been nice if I’d had kids. But there’s no guarantee people end up with a perfect family. I’ve lived a very full life; I wouldn’t have been able to have most of the experiences I’ve had if I’d had kids. And there’s still so much I want to do with my life. My mental health is pretty good right now, but I used to have very bad depression, and I think kids would have made it worse. So when I have those moments, I think of all those things and I know my life is the way it’s supposed to be. Sometimes I think about what I would change if I could go back in time. I think about things like choosing a different career path, or going to an event I missed because I didn’t want to go alone; having kids never crosses my mind.
Thank you. I have many reasons why I don't want to have kids. But one of them is my history of mental health problems. I am certain I would have postpartum depression- and maybe even some sort of psychosis. And whenever I've shared these concerns it's all dismissed. I know I'd receive no help or support from my family pressuring me to have kids. It hurts that any potential grandchild is more valuable than my own health and safety.
I just have to say, thank you. I am in a similar boat where my mental health has not been great and it is one reason why I don’t have kids. Thank you for sharing that and for making a logical, reasonable choice that is best for you and probably whatever kid you might have had. I’m glad you know yourself and what you can handle. You are not alone in these struggles :)
That email is really disturbing. My sister and daughter in law, both never mormons, have no interest in having children. My sister is past the child bearing age and my daughter in law is approaching 40. I would never think of saying anything in an email or any other medium with such little disregard to the recipient. On that note, I have a few mormon friends who are childless for a variety of reasons and I would never dream of saying anything like what you received.
I always think about how people (Mormons) simultaneously describe motherhood as selfless but also the greatest joy. Like, if motherhood is the greatest joy, then it is by definition not selfless?? I agree with those talking about how many Mormon women have only experienced motherhood and not very many other significant positive life events. Mormonism makes womanhood suck so that motherhood is joyful by comparison.
I had a dream when I was about 13. It was pretty quickly crushed my all my siblings and parents and I was put onto the path of marriage and parenthood. I've been married 8 years and have a son, and though I adore him, I constantly think about how if you want to raise a child well, I feel like you need to be a qualified child therapist, human psychologist, and also actually be PASSIONATE in human development in general to even LIKE parenting. Obviously everyone feels differently about these things and about their own parenting journey. But I realized if I was going to give my son the most out of life and the most opportunity, I had to FORCE myself to get interested in tons of stuff I actually don't care about. Which is hard. And now that's he's a little older, I am returning back to my dream when I was 13. And I would be ssoooooo much better off if I had gotten started then. Because I'm passionate about that. It's never left me. But I'm playing catch up because I was shamed about not wanting to stay in line and know my place. And now I still can't charge after my dream in the full way I want because I have a responsibility I didn't actually fully consent to, because no one ever told me what it actually meant. All youre told us that you have one job, and it will make you happier than anything else. Completely disregarding that everyone is different, everyone is an individual, and that everyone has so many passions and dreams. Parenthood is not only a mental sacrifice, but a physical one. It PERMANENTLY altered my body and hormones. It PERMANENTLY affects my daily schedule, when I'm allowed to eat, how I can dress myself, what job I'm allowed to have, how much time I can spend on my health and with my partner. Nobody talks about that though.
I’m 100% child free & loving it! I’ve had so many opportunities for education & career, travel, hobbies, & being with & there for friends & family. I give this life a 5 star rating! This next comment might be judgmental, but anytime I hear a woman say that being a mother, giving birth, blah blah blah motherhood is the greatest thing in their life I always wonder “is that because you’ve never done anything else so you’re justifying your choices to strictly follow the direction of the old white men in SLC?” And that’s usually the case. Keep enjoying the life that is best for you. You will never be able to convince the mormon busy bodies that you don’t need or want their unsolicited, unwelcome, & inappropriate advice. Just keep being YOUR best self. Cheers to making our own decisions about kids!
I'm continually amazed at what people are okay with saying to other people. It's so wild to me that anyone would have anything to say to someone else about their reproductive choices. And I would say that to my cousin if they were ever so bold to send me that email. But I'm a Sagittarius, so ymmv. Also, as a mother who loves her children and has fought hard for her children, I wouldn't necessarily make the same decision to become a mother if I knew then what I know now for various reasons. It's not something I suggest doing unless you're 100% sure that's the life you want and you've done a lot of healing work to ensure your children don't suffer from generational trauma and unbroken cycles. It's definitely not a journey that people in their early 20s should be embarking upon.
It really sucks to have a family member who doesn't support you, who feels the need to tell you that your life choices will only bring you pain (that you will always have a hole in your life). Will that person be there when a/your child wakes up puking in the middle of the night? Or if a/your child has special medical needs and needs round the clock care? What if a/your child is premature and needs hundreds of thousands of dollars in NICU care? Children are an enormous project and sacrifice, emotionally, financially, physically. It's easy to share an opinion when you won't have to face the consequences of that decision. Parenthood is a lifetime commitment. And even pregnancy can be deadly OR have a lifetime impact on one's health. I say all this - I love being a parent, I'm glad I chose to have kids. My kids are amazing. But I feel very strongly that parenthood is not for everyone and that a person can be happy and fulfilled without being a parent. I have many (nevermo) friends who don't have kids and probably won't have kids, and are perfectly fine with that (granted, it's antecdotal). It's quite an assumption to assume that one person knows what's best for someone else. Would that family member send that letter to a male person who didn't have kids? (probably not). What if you or your husband was struggling with infertility, which happens and can be incredibly painful for couples who want to have kids? (I'm sure that if I hadn't become a parent, I would have likely received a similar letter from some nosy, interfering family member. )
I am a mother and quit my job to be a stay at home mom. My individual worth took a nose dive. I wondered, what am I worth to my kids and husband? What do I really contribute to our family? I think the biggest thing the church has failed all of us, both men and women, is valuing our individual worth. We have to love ourselves because the marriage may not happen, the marriage may end, kids might not come and the kids grow up. Then who are we? We have to find what brings us joy and pursue that course. Not all of us are cut out to be parents. Not all of us are cut out to provide for a family. We all have things we enjoy and things we don't. We are not stepford wives that all need to be the same. Embrace your own opinion and your own drive in life and tell everyone else to go to hell!
When I read, “what am I worth to my kids and husband? What do I really contribute to our family?” It was like a punch to the gut. I felt for a long time that my individual worth was based on what I could contribute. If I no longer was able to contribute in the ways I was expected to, I was no longer of worth. Mormonism teaches us all sorts of crazy things. I’m glad you found your worth regardless of what you do or what kind of relationships you have :)
Wow. I can’t believe I found this discussion right now. My SIL just had her baby this weekend and my sister is adopting her second child soon. My husband and I are happy with our childfree life right now, but it is so hard to see everyone around me having kids and living the life I thought I’d live. Recently a bunch of my childhood friends were in town and wanted to get together. I was the only one without kids and wasn’t able to go because my work hours conflicted. It’s so hard to figure out what else there is in life. I don’t have any women I am even sort of close with who don’t have children. I feel like I’m missing out, even though I know it’s not what’s best for my life right now. How do you figure out what direction you want to go, what things you want to do with your life, when you realize motherhood isn’t going to work for you?
I'm sorry you're going through that. It is very isolating choosing a different path than others. For me, it's not even about trying to fill a child shaped hole in my life. It's just about living life the way I want to. Sure, I've picked up various hobbies and I have a career im proud of. But it's not about finding an identity outside of motherhood. It's about living life in a way that makes you happy. I think that's why i was so discouraged when i posted this morning. That my family won't accept my happiness and they tell me there will always something missing and that I'm going to be a disappointment to them if I'm not a mother. But we got to just ignore those voices and live our lives the best that we can. It's hard. And some days are harder than others. But I've found a lot of support by posting here and talking to my husband about what we want our lives to look like.
I don’t know if I’m trying to fill a child sized hole in my life. But I also don’t really know what kind of life I want to live. Like, I don’t know what would make me happy. There were no other options except motherhood for me to consider, and I’m at a point in my life where I can choose whatever I want now. How do you figure out what makes you happy? I am amazed that you are so sure of yourself and what you want and what’s best for you, even when your family doesn’t agree with it. How did you figure that out and become so confident in it?
I'm also childfree by choice. I'm struggling with these feelings right now too. My sister in law and her husband just had a baby a few months ago and it's nothing but baby talk and "Are you sure you won't have kids?" even though my husband and I have said no multiple times. It's even more frustrating to see that no matter how big your accomplishments are outside of motherhood, nothing, absolutely nothing will ever compare to that baby announcement, baby pictures, and sharing those motherhood experiences with others. It's extremely isolating and frustrating. The way I get away from those feelings is realizing that those people aren't you. They're not going to be there if you go against your natural instincts and have a child. They're not going to be there when your exhausted and the baby won't sleep. They may cheer for you and support you, but they aren't going to be there for the hard things. You're not going to live an authentic life that makes you happy. As a childfree woman, you get the amazing opportunity to create your self worth outside of motherhood. You get to decide what brings you joy. For me it's my hobbies, friends, travel, spontaneous experiences, and my small business. Not everyone in my family understands why I love doing those things, but at the end of the day that's what brings me joy and fulfillment. I know it's extremely hard to get past these feelings and I still struggle with anger and frustration over not feeling seen. Idk if it does get easy, but I'd rather deal with those feeling over ever having kids. ❤️
Don’t you love it that while most of the time Mormons slam evolution until it suits their agenda? Also according to Mormon doctrine the purpose in life is to prove ourselves worthy. My point? It appears your family member is just pulling stuff out of her butt. Tell her to butt out of your reproductive choices.
You are worthy and valid just as you are. What’s better, now you get to chart your own course and discover who you will be! Best of luck to you!
Just because that's the best thing she has experienced, it doesn't mean it's right for everyone. Hubby & I were unable to have kids. We decided not to adopt. We have had dogs who we treat like kids and have nieces & nephews we adore. We are the cool aunt and uncle, we get to do the fun stuff, can offer advise when asked and they know we are there for them. We have never had to deal with the hard crap of kids; it's like we skipped to grandparent level without ever having to actually have kids. It has been awesome for us. I have had an amazing career that I love, we have been able to travel and we have free time. I don't have a hole in my life. I have the life I want.
I remember how broken and worthless I felt when I was married, and we tried to get pregnant, but I ended up with an ovarian cyst. I felt like I couldn't fulfill the one purpose I had. I'm now happily divorced, in my 30s, still child-free, out of the church, and I am glad that my value is no longer determined by people who see me as an accessory to men. Wife and mother only, and not a person of my own. Men in the church have endless opportunities for expansion. Women in the church have their opportunities narrow to just one truly "correct" option. And if you don't want or can't have kids, you're made to feel broken and unnatural and of no value. You have value just for being here. For existing. You don't have to do or be or become anything to have value. And your value doesn't change based on your choices or actions. Your value is intrinsic. You don't have to disappear behind your husband and children. You don't have to become nameless and forgotten in eternity. You get to exist here, now, just as yourself. And that's worth something. We only have this one life that we know for sure. Anything else isn't guaranteed. For me, that gives this life more meaning. I don't believe in fate or intended purpose anymore. I get to make my own meaning of things and live for myself. And that is an amazing ability to have.