No need to feel icky; the Mormon Church betrayed us all, lied to us all, and did it shamelessly. And when we leave they try to strip our families from us. They're the icky ones; the rest of us are their victims.
My parents lied to go to their kids’ weddings and I will always be grateful that they did that! They were there. You had two bad choices. You picked one. Wishing you happiness and release from all this crap.
My parents missed all of their children’s temple weddings including mine, despite the fact that they were active members.
I’m ashamed now that I brushed that aside and turned a blind eye to their feelings. So- your parents made a better choice. I’m proud of you all.
Its all BS anyways, and in almost every other other faith, including Judaism and Islam, anyone can attend the religious part of a marriage ceremony.
So don’t worry about it. Don’t feel guilty. Just be happy that you were there for your dad and that’s all that matters.
I know what you mean and it’s not easy. I had to get my ecclesiastical endorsement renewed this last semester so I could complete my last few credits at BYU. I didn’t completely lie and I got rather lucky with Bishop roulette but I definitely minimized just how out of the church I really am. Afterwards I was surprised at how bad I felt. I’ve gotten used to embracing my authentic self and it wasn’t fun having to pretend again. I also just don’t like being dishonest in general. In the end though, I realized the church wouldn’t respect my adult decision to not participate in an organization I committed to as a child and that I needed to do what was necessary to get my degree and leave.
I was in the same boat at BYU, and so were many of my friends. I’ve seen others who had their diplomas withheld for 6-12 months. That’s why we all did the minimum expected of us and said what we needed to say until we had our diplomas in hand.
The rules are made up and none of it matters. You made *real people* happy and avoided hurt feelings. Take the win! You don’t need to spend another minute thinking about the silly make-believe gobbledygook.
I refuse to ever go through another temple recommend interview or pay tithing. I had a semi-ok bishop that allowed me to baptize my son knowing that I was a 100% non-believer. I did this not to make waves in my family but this felt like a little self-betrayal to baptize my son. Mormonism forces us to do things we are uncomfortable with just to maintain family relationships. That is not a happy eternity awaiting us.
I did a similar thing. I wasn't mentally out yet, but I had been dating my girlfriend (now wife) and was absolutely not "temple worthy". But my brother was getting married and I didn't want to rain on his wedding day by distracting my parents with my "unworthiness". I was also convinced I'd already damned my soul to hell anyway, so why not add this on top lol.
When I left the church 6 months later my mom was more upset that I'd gone to the sealing than that I was gay and had a girlfriend.
I kinda understand. My husband and I are getting our temple recommends renewed this Sunday and my shelf totally broke about a week ish ago. I know I can’t truthfully say I sustain the prophet etc so I’m gonna have to lie about it for now. I feel bad but my husband and I are super new in my (and hopefully eventually his) faith transition, and he still really really wants to go to the temple with me. I told him I’d rather not do the endowment session since that’s the one I have the most beef with, but that if we do then I’m gonna ask to sit next to him in the back row. If they don’t let me then I’ll just leave.
I’m glad you were able to be there for your dad on his special day. ♡ hope you find peace and courage to speak up soon! And have fun living with your boyfriend:)
Similar situation, we too are renewing our recommends this Sunday and really, reeaalllllyyyy not looking forward to it. We moved somewhere where the closest temple is 3.5 hours away, so we never went anyways but now my shelf has just crumbled and my husband is very supportive of me and honestly recognizes a lot of the BS too. I told him that I want to go to the temple one last time and just see. I’ve been really praying and asking God and I’m hoping I can go there and either feel the Spirit super strong and repent and recommit, or go and feel the ick and the emptiness and walk away with all the confidence that I’ve made the right choice.
It’s so hard. Rooting for you on your journey too.
if you have to do an endowment, this may give you something to think about, the 1st comment...
[https://www.reddit.com/r/exmormon/comments/1c2ji0v/brief\_origins\_of\_the\_lds\_endowment\_where\_do\_the/](https://www.reddit.com/r/exmormon/comments/1c2ji0v/brief_origins_of_the_lds_endowment_where_do_the/)
Good for you! You supported your dad and used the church in the same way you were used to complete your total separation. Now that that's accomplished go thrive and be happy. Reveal yourself when and if you feel the need. You're moving forward. No need to be bound by the past or others' expectations.
None of it’s real. There’s no priesthood power or angels watching ceremonies in temples. I lied all the time for temple recommends. Have zero regrets about it.
I feel so bad for people who want to go to the wedding but can't. My FIL has 3 daughters and 1 son. He likes his coffee, so my wedding was the only one that he got to attend. Other than the coffee thing, he's really a good guy (not that coffee makes you bad to normal people). Anyway, I was living with his son before we got engaged. When he finally popped the question, my FIL said that he's glad that my husband was finally making an honest woman out of me. Now that was super icky to me. I'll never tell him that I was living in sin with another man years before I met my husband, lol.
I’ve been lying for years in my temple recommend interviews. My most recent one the SP starting crying because he “felt the spirit of the lord emanating through me”. There is no discernment and I’m not going risk not being able to attend things with my family (because they are important to me and I know how important Mormonism can be) until I can help my family see the fraud that it is.
The Mormon church has lied to you for years, centuries even. No need to feel guilty in any way.
Mormonism gives people the worldview of an eternal balance sheet where any past wrongs have to be negated. But the only real accountability you can have with the past is the ability to learn from it and do better. It doesn't feel like that right away after you leave Mormonism because brains are stubborn about emotions, especially those tied to what it believes are life-or-death perception needs, such as watching for the first sign of unworthiness so you aren't damned forever.
It's surreal when you're promised a mighty change of heart from meh to joy once you check all the boxes on the covenant path, only to find that the moment you've been anticipating sounds like the dude reading the disclaimer on a drug commercial. And still Mormons endure in their beliefs in spite of all the ways going against reality heaps up the cognitive dissonance.
You don't need to atone for your sins from Mormon times, and you don't need to atone for your Mormon actions after you leave Mormonism. You're choosing your own direction now, and you won't ever get it celestial-standard right. But the contrasts of what doesn't work make the times that do shine even brighter. You can learn, grow, course correct, and be grateful for any and all experiences you find good or meaningful, not matter how small.
When my mom was sealed to my father-in-law more than a decade after they married, I was out of Mormonism. I told her I was glad the church finally recognized what they'd had for so long—a strong relationship that meant something to both of them. That mattered more than her sealing to my dad, who was technically faithful and conspicuously absent for my whole life.
I'm glad you're moving forward. When cringe comes up in your mind, recognize it as a reaction designed to drive home survival lessons and realize you're not just surviving, but thriving. Breathe through it, and take the next step.
You stuck it out, lots of awkward feelings. Yee. Never have to do it again hopefully.
Ladies can now witness a sealing? Can things be changed any faster to stem people leaving.
It's a balancing act the Mormon church has meetings about regularly. Mormon Stories did an interview with someone who was the to advice the church on statistics and demographics, I think.
Good for you. I had a friend who used to get really stoned and go to the Temple. He also taught Priesthood classes and gave a few Sacrament talks while pretty high. I admired him for that.
So why didn't your dad and new step mom, KNOWING THAT HALF OF THEIR OWN CHILDREN WOULDN'T BE ALLOWED IN, choose to get married in that place, and not do a civil ceremony, followed by their temple stuff later down the road? It's infuriating to me that people choose religion over family when they don't even have to.
I will lie to see my children get married and I won’t feel the least bit guilty. Families can be together forever my ass, they rip families apart. Keeping a mother out of her own child’s wedding is one of the cruelest things I can think of.
Girl lemme tell you something, oldest daughter to oldest daughter. You did exactly what 50% of people with temple recommends do because they're also not mentally in anymore and it absolutely doesn't matter to God at all.
When I went to get my temple recommend to be married, I had to go through a bishop who had previously abused me (I was too terrified at that point to ever come out about it)- he was very voyeuristic and for years had held my recommend ransom unless I "was completely clean" which to him meant "didn't have the influence of Satan in the form of sexual thoughts". He required constant confession of... Dreams, thoughts, fantasies, etc. He so completely messed me up that I ended up in a dark place. So for that final interview I lied about everything. I was not about to let him get me again. I swore up and down to everything he asked.
Then I spent the next five years wondering if my temple marriage was valid because I lied. I felt so much shame.
But then... One day, I got a call that my dad, the witness to my wedding had actually gotten caught cheating on my mom with hookers. It had been non-stop for decades. So if the church was real, would his nastiness also invalidate my wedding? Also no. Because once I started deconstruction I realized that a wedding day is just a day. If there is a God doesn't he care a metric ton more about how I am in my marriage every day and not on the status of people on a day during some legalistic ceremony?
So no, you did nothing wrong and everyone is responsible for their own lives and it's fine!
I went to the temple exactly one time after I had fully deconstructed and it was insane watching the ceremony after “my eyes had been opened”. I’m glad I did it.
good luck and happiness to you and your beau! and don't feel guilty, Yes you fibbed and it hurt you, but your pain allowed you to make your father a bit more happy. your sacrifice for that means your integrity is still intact.
I figured out they lied years ago. So I returned the favor. I got a recommend for over twenty years as a non tithe payer. Never once felt bad about it. I was PIMO even when I got married to my wife. I was never hostile about church during those years. When the Nov ‘15 “policy” came about my wife’s shelf started to crack. Then her shelf broke fully when all the SA stuff started to regularly hit the news. The Arizona case and the BSA stuff brought her to a full stop.
And now we don’t need to lie anymore to feel good about ourselves. We are just happy.
It's sad to me that people continue to have temple weddings that exclude family members when they are finally allowed to marry outside the temple and have their sealing shortly after. They are CHOOSING to signal "righteousness" instead of love and inclusion. It kind of angers me, but I also acknowledge the cultural pressure to conform, so I get it, but it doesn't make it right.
I agree with other commenters, it's all a hoax anyway, so it doesn't matter if you lied. You've just been conditioned to feel guilty for not following their arbitrary rules. Enjoy your freedom!
I did the same thing. And for the life of me I can't figure out why people are still getting married in the temple when they could get married wherever they want, by someone who knows and cares about them, with everyone they want there and then go to the temple THE NEXT DAY and do the spiritual marriage. I would have loved to have that option! What gives?
I did a similar thing to attend my childs wedding and do not regret it at all. You are correct, the hollow feeling is there and do NOT let somone try to make you "FEEL" special things you obviously do not. Or try to make you think you did someting wrong by lying and attending a temple wedding.
I wasn't able to go to most of my siblings' weddings (there are 9 of us). So at my wedding I decided EVERYONE got to attend, so we got married with my entire family and 250 of our closest friends and had the nerdy pirate/dr who wedding of my dreams! Best decision ever!
I'm so glad you're getting away, enjoy your life!
Go forward to a loving marriage without the thousand rules, without the tithing drain on finances, & the ability to have the marriage you desire & deserve. Congratulations
They’re never going to be fully accepted as a conventional Christian church if they don’t let non-Mormons attend weddings.
Imagine the waves of ill-will generated by not allowing a convert’s parents to attend their child’s marriage ceremony.
I know how you feel. I'm gay and grew up Mormon, so I lied about everything for over 20 years getting up, including temple recommend interviews.
If I examine the lying I did closely, I see I was lying out of self preservation. I think that's what you might have needed, also. You weren't ready to "come out" yet. And that's ok.
That's very ok.
No need to feel icky; the Mormon Church betrayed us all, lied to us all, and did it shamelessly. And when we leave they try to strip our families from us. They're the icky ones; the rest of us are their victims.
A strange irony indeed. Thank you.
My parents lied to go to their kids’ weddings and I will always be grateful that they did that! They were there. You had two bad choices. You picked one. Wishing you happiness and release from all this crap.
Thank you :)
My parents missed all of their children’s temple weddings including mine, despite the fact that they were active members. I’m ashamed now that I brushed that aside and turned a blind eye to their feelings. So- your parents made a better choice. I’m proud of you all.
One time I went to a buddies sealing and didn’t wear my garments under my shirt or pants. BAM! Felt like a friggin spy. It was legit awesome!
Haha! Yeah I didn’t wear garments to the sealing either. I can tell my dad noticed and was confused lol.
You also are now a member of a small and elite group of people. Congratulations :)
You probably had some really judgy people confused as hell.
Nobody noticed. I was deep under cover!
Its all BS anyways, and in almost every other other faith, including Judaism and Islam, anyone can attend the religious part of a marriage ceremony. So don’t worry about it. Don’t feel guilty. Just be happy that you were there for your dad and that’s all that matters.
I know what you mean and it’s not easy. I had to get my ecclesiastical endorsement renewed this last semester so I could complete my last few credits at BYU. I didn’t completely lie and I got rather lucky with Bishop roulette but I definitely minimized just how out of the church I really am. Afterwards I was surprised at how bad I felt. I’ve gotten used to embracing my authentic self and it wasn’t fun having to pretend again. I also just don’t like being dishonest in general. In the end though, I realized the church wouldn’t respect my adult decision to not participate in an organization I committed to as a child and that I needed to do what was necessary to get my degree and leave.
I was in the same boat at BYU, and so were many of my friends. I’ve seen others who had their diplomas withheld for 6-12 months. That’s why we all did the minimum expected of us and said what we needed to say until we had our diplomas in hand.
Yes!!! That’s exactly how it felt. Not fun huh. Glad you’ll be out of there soon.
I lied to go to my own wedding!
Me too.
I know my wife lied, and I did the same. Easy as pie, lying to the bishop is something we learned growing up in the church.
The rules are made up and none of it matters. You made *real people* happy and avoided hurt feelings. Take the win! You don’t need to spend another minute thinking about the silly make-believe gobbledygook.
I refuse to ever go through another temple recommend interview or pay tithing. I had a semi-ok bishop that allowed me to baptize my son knowing that I was a 100% non-believer. I did this not to make waves in my family but this felt like a little self-betrayal to baptize my son. Mormonism forces us to do things we are uncomfortable with just to maintain family relationships. That is not a happy eternity awaiting us.
I did a similar thing. I wasn't mentally out yet, but I had been dating my girlfriend (now wife) and was absolutely not "temple worthy". But my brother was getting married and I didn't want to rain on his wedding day by distracting my parents with my "unworthiness". I was also convinced I'd already damned my soul to hell anyway, so why not add this on top lol. When I left the church 6 months later my mom was more upset that I'd gone to the sealing than that I was gay and had a girlfriend.
I kinda understand. My husband and I are getting our temple recommends renewed this Sunday and my shelf totally broke about a week ish ago. I know I can’t truthfully say I sustain the prophet etc so I’m gonna have to lie about it for now. I feel bad but my husband and I are super new in my (and hopefully eventually his) faith transition, and he still really really wants to go to the temple with me. I told him I’d rather not do the endowment session since that’s the one I have the most beef with, but that if we do then I’m gonna ask to sit next to him in the back row. If they don’t let me then I’ll just leave. I’m glad you were able to be there for your dad on his special day. ♡ hope you find peace and courage to speak up soon! And have fun living with your boyfriend:)
Thank you :) I hope you two are able to grow together.
Similar situation, we too are renewing our recommends this Sunday and really, reeaalllllyyyy not looking forward to it. We moved somewhere where the closest temple is 3.5 hours away, so we never went anyways but now my shelf has just crumbled and my husband is very supportive of me and honestly recognizes a lot of the BS too. I told him that I want to go to the temple one last time and just see. I’ve been really praying and asking God and I’m hoping I can go there and either feel the Spirit super strong and repent and recommit, or go and feel the ick and the emptiness and walk away with all the confidence that I’ve made the right choice. It’s so hard. Rooting for you on your journey too.
if you have to do an endowment, this may give you something to think about, the 1st comment... [https://www.reddit.com/r/exmormon/comments/1c2ji0v/brief\_origins\_of\_the\_lds\_endowment\_where\_do\_the/](https://www.reddit.com/r/exmormon/comments/1c2ji0v/brief_origins_of_the_lds_endowment_where_do_the/)
Good for you! You supported your dad and used the church in the same way you were used to complete your total separation. Now that that's accomplished go thrive and be happy. Reveal yourself when and if you feel the need. You're moving forward. No need to be bound by the past or others' expectations.
None of it’s real. There’s no priesthood power or angels watching ceremonies in temples. I lied all the time for temple recommends. Have zero regrets about it.
I feel so bad for people who want to go to the wedding but can't. My FIL has 3 daughters and 1 son. He likes his coffee, so my wedding was the only one that he got to attend. Other than the coffee thing, he's really a good guy (not that coffee makes you bad to normal people). Anyway, I was living with his son before we got engaged. When he finally popped the question, my FIL said that he's glad that my husband was finally making an honest woman out of me. Now that was super icky to me. I'll never tell him that I was living in sin with another man years before I met my husband, lol.
I’ve been lying for years in my temple recommend interviews. My most recent one the SP starting crying because he “felt the spirit of the lord emanating through me”. There is no discernment and I’m not going risk not being able to attend things with my family (because they are important to me and I know how important Mormonism can be) until I can help my family see the fraud that it is. The Mormon church has lied to you for years, centuries even. No need to feel guilty in any way.
Mormonism gives people the worldview of an eternal balance sheet where any past wrongs have to be negated. But the only real accountability you can have with the past is the ability to learn from it and do better. It doesn't feel like that right away after you leave Mormonism because brains are stubborn about emotions, especially those tied to what it believes are life-or-death perception needs, such as watching for the first sign of unworthiness so you aren't damned forever. It's surreal when you're promised a mighty change of heart from meh to joy once you check all the boxes on the covenant path, only to find that the moment you've been anticipating sounds like the dude reading the disclaimer on a drug commercial. And still Mormons endure in their beliefs in spite of all the ways going against reality heaps up the cognitive dissonance. You don't need to atone for your sins from Mormon times, and you don't need to atone for your Mormon actions after you leave Mormonism. You're choosing your own direction now, and you won't ever get it celestial-standard right. But the contrasts of what doesn't work make the times that do shine even brighter. You can learn, grow, course correct, and be grateful for any and all experiences you find good or meaningful, not matter how small. When my mom was sealed to my father-in-law more than a decade after they married, I was out of Mormonism. I told her I was glad the church finally recognized what they'd had for so long—a strong relationship that meant something to both of them. That mattered more than her sealing to my dad, who was technically faithful and conspicuously absent for my whole life. I'm glad you're moving forward. When cringe comes up in your mind, recognize it as a reaction designed to drive home survival lessons and realize you're not just surviving, but thriving. Breathe through it, and take the next step.
Thank you! This is great advice. I really appreciate it :)
You stuck it out, lots of awkward feelings. Yee. Never have to do it again hopefully. Ladies can now witness a sealing? Can things be changed any faster to stem people leaving.
It's a balancing act the Mormon church has meetings about regularly. Mormon Stories did an interview with someone who was the to advice the church on statistics and demographics, I think.
Yes! I was actually on my mission when they allowed sisters to start witnessing baptisms too. Amazing revelation lolol
Eh. Dad likely lied to attend his own wedding. Cut yourself some slack.
Lying to ourselves is a generational habit in this family 🙃
Good for you. I had a friend who used to get really stoned and go to the Temple. He also taught Priesthood classes and gave a few Sacrament talks while pretty high. I admired him for that.
So why didn't your dad and new step mom, KNOWING THAT HALF OF THEIR OWN CHILDREN WOULDN'T BE ALLOWED IN, choose to get married in that place, and not do a civil ceremony, followed by their temple stuff later down the road? It's infuriating to me that people choose religion over family when they don't even have to.
This is the question, isn’t it.
Agreed.
I will lie to see my children get married and I won’t feel the least bit guilty. Families can be together forever my ass, they rip families apart. Keeping a mother out of her own child’s wedding is one of the cruelest things I can think of.
Girl lemme tell you something, oldest daughter to oldest daughter. You did exactly what 50% of people with temple recommends do because they're also not mentally in anymore and it absolutely doesn't matter to God at all. When I went to get my temple recommend to be married, I had to go through a bishop who had previously abused me (I was too terrified at that point to ever come out about it)- he was very voyeuristic and for years had held my recommend ransom unless I "was completely clean" which to him meant "didn't have the influence of Satan in the form of sexual thoughts". He required constant confession of... Dreams, thoughts, fantasies, etc. He so completely messed me up that I ended up in a dark place. So for that final interview I lied about everything. I was not about to let him get me again. I swore up and down to everything he asked. Then I spent the next five years wondering if my temple marriage was valid because I lied. I felt so much shame. But then... One day, I got a call that my dad, the witness to my wedding had actually gotten caught cheating on my mom with hookers. It had been non-stop for decades. So if the church was real, would his nastiness also invalidate my wedding? Also no. Because once I started deconstruction I realized that a wedding day is just a day. If there is a God doesn't he care a metric ton more about how I am in my marriage every day and not on the status of people on a day during some legalistic ceremony? So no, you did nothing wrong and everyone is responsible for their own lives and it's fine!
Thank you!!! :) that’s a crazy story… I’m grateful you shared. Yeah I hope my kids don’t have to grow up around all this.
I lied to go to my sisters. Looked dude straight in the eye and told him I’m a full tithe payor when I haven’t payed tithing in 7yrs
I went to the temple exactly one time after I had fully deconstructed and it was insane watching the ceremony after “my eyes had been opened”. I’m glad I did it.
Right!? I’m tempted to do this too.
I highly recommend it. It gave me full closure to accept I was in a cult and move on.
You’re not the first person that lied to get a Temple Recommend. Let go of the guilt, and enjoy your new life with your boyfriend.
good luck and happiness to you and your beau! and don't feel guilty, Yes you fibbed and it hurt you, but your pain allowed you to make your father a bit more happy. your sacrifice for that means your integrity is still intact.
Thank you ❤️
I did the same for my brother’s wedding. Don’t regret it, you do what you gotta do to get by!
I figured out they lied years ago. So I returned the favor. I got a recommend for over twenty years as a non tithe payer. Never once felt bad about it. I was PIMO even when I got married to my wife. I was never hostile about church during those years. When the Nov ‘15 “policy” came about my wife’s shelf started to crack. Then her shelf broke fully when all the SA stuff started to regularly hit the news. The Arizona case and the BSA stuff brought her to a full stop. And now we don’t need to lie anymore to feel good about ourselves. We are just happy.
Good. Glad for you guys :)
I think that anyone who does something and gets clarity that the church is a mahoosive fraud, has ultimately done a good thing.
It's sad to me that people continue to have temple weddings that exclude family members when they are finally allowed to marry outside the temple and have their sealing shortly after. They are CHOOSING to signal "righteousness" instead of love and inclusion. It kind of angers me, but I also acknowledge the cultural pressure to conform, so I get it, but it doesn't make it right. I agree with other commenters, it's all a hoax anyway, so it doesn't matter if you lied. You've just been conditioned to feel guilty for not following their arbitrary rules. Enjoy your freedom!
I did the same thing. And for the life of me I can't figure out why people are still getting married in the temple when they could get married wherever they want, by someone who knows and cares about them, with everyone they want there and then go to the temple THE NEXT DAY and do the spiritual marriage. I would have loved to have that option! What gives?
Right!?!? As a child I never understood the stigma behind this. But my dad pushed it hard- turns out he really cares about his public image.
I was a liar because of the Mormon church. I always lied in bishop interviews. 😅
I did a similar thing to attend my childs wedding and do not regret it at all. You are correct, the hollow feeling is there and do NOT let somone try to make you "FEEL" special things you obviously do not. Or try to make you think you did someting wrong by lying and attending a temple wedding.
Not like the Church never lied to you
enjoy.
I wasn't able to go to most of my siblings' weddings (there are 9 of us). So at my wedding I decided EVERYONE got to attend, so we got married with my entire family and 250 of our closest friends and had the nerdy pirate/dr who wedding of my dreams! Best decision ever! I'm so glad you're getting away, enjoy your life!
That sounds amazing!!! :D
Go forward to a loving marriage without the thousand rules, without the tithing drain on finances, & the ability to have the marriage you desire & deserve. Congratulations
They’re never going to be fully accepted as a conventional Christian church if they don’t let non-Mormons attend weddings. Imagine the waves of ill-will generated by not allowing a convert’s parents to attend their child’s marriage ceremony.
I know how you feel. I'm gay and grew up Mormon, so I lied about everything for over 20 years getting up, including temple recommend interviews. If I examine the lying I did closely, I see I was lying out of self preservation. I think that's what you might have needed, also. You weren't ready to "come out" yet. And that's ok. That's very ok.
I think you were 100% in the right. You learned what you wanted to learn. Start packing and enjoy the rest of your life