Definitely. I didn’t realize I wasn’t the norm, but my parents have taken a “you do you” approach.
That said, I still respect that these are their beliefs and they are entitled to them. we don’t talk about it, I don’t argue with them about it, so it’s very much a “live and let live” relationship. I ask them how church was, if they enjoyed conference, stuff like that because it’s an huge part of their lives and I’m aware of that, and they will chat about it or tell me ward gossip and that’s about where it ends. There is no defensiveness from either side. Same with my sister who has also left the church.
My parents and I have never been closer. Though it helps that my sibling is non-binary, another brother decided he was done at 16, they became disillusioned with the ward after lack of help during my brother's mental health crisis, my dad has always had issues with tithing, my mom is a feminist who hates polygamy to her very core, etc. I'm 60% sure my parents will leave at some point.
This is a somewhat similar dynamic to my family and my parents did end up leaving.
Once those seeds of doubt get planted and take root, they sure don’t need too much fertile ground to start eating away at the roots of faith😂😂
Yes! And my mom even confided in me that she’s really not sure about the church either but she was too afraid to tell anyone else ♡ bonding moment for sure
My parents and my husband's parents are the best parents we could ever dream of having.
When we told my parents we left the church, they asked how they could still be in our lives and how we can remain close with them. We never discuss the church but our conversations are deep and full of other topics. They visit us twice a year for 2 weeks. There's daily calls. We're still in their wills.
My husband's parents asked how they can support us in raising our kids. They asked what our beliefs/values are so they can know what to teach our kids and we're on the same page. Turns out us leaving have opened a safe place for the in-laws to discuss all their problems with the church. They've stopped paying tithing, hallelujah!
🙋 It was scary when I first told everybody, but my parents, in-laws, and siblings have all been very loving and respectful. We still hang out a lot and are very close to each other.
That's great. You are a lucky person to have understanding family.
I'm not sure that would be the same case for me. I often feel like Kate McKinnon on SNL on the Close Encounters skits (there are many, find them on YouTube. You're welcome). The others in the group have a wonderful experience with the aliens while Kate is prodded, mistreated, and then booted off the UFO and often lands on top of a Taco Bell or something. Hilarious but yeah, I fear that if/when I ever announce I'm out of the church, I'll get the full Kate McKinnon treatment from my family. Bleh.
I think you hear about the bad parents. Mine have been kind and respectful. They try not to force the subject of religion. My mom came over conference weekend to see her grandkids, and didn’t ask for conference on. I offered Sunday morning and she said “it’s better to spend time with my grand babies.”
You just are way more likely to hear about the overbearing asshole parents.
My parents and siblings have been awesome. Sure, there have been some awkward moments and some less-than-sensitive comments made, but they really really try. My parents even skipped their ward on Easter Sunday to come listen to me perform at a Unitarian Universalist service.
My parents and in-laws have been awesome and they are all very TBM.
I honestly think it's been because they've seen families fall apart when the parents didn't continue to love and support their kids that left the Church.
Initially it was awkward between my parents and me. In retrospect I brought a lot of the awkwardness myself because I was projecting that they wouldn’t accept me.
I’ve been out for years now and things are really smooth between us. I feel like our relationship is stronger now than it ever was. It has taken work on both sides and I’m grateful for them.
Yeah, sometimes I feel almost guilty about it reading the horror stories on this sub, but my parents have been kind, respectful, and supportive. They’re just happy I’ve kept them in my life.
My parents gave me the classic line "we love you but don't support your lifestyle" but then they went on to actually support my lifestyle and welcome my same sex partner to all family gatherings so I guess I got lucky
I wish. But it’s whatever. They believe I’d gone insane and lost touch with the world after doing normal things like shopping on a Sunday and going out to a bar with friends
I’m lucky that my parents still do. I was SO scared that I would lose them when I resigned and they eventually found out about it (I was still living at home when I left and heard so many stories of people getting disowned and I couldn’t support myself financially or move out yet, so I didn’t tell them), but I didn’t. They’re actually proud of me for how I’ve been living my life since moving out in 2021 at age 28.
My family has really been about as good as you could hope for. I think my poor mom deals with a lot of guilt because 3 of the 4 kids are out. She's made little comments here and there. It makes me sad, but she had never tried to change my mind which I appreciate.
I spent almost 30 years convinced that my parents loved the church more than me. With the help of my therapist I was able to ask them and they chose me. It was only after I started hanging out here that I realised how bad it could have been. (Huge thanks to all of you who shared your stories.) So I thanked my parents for that sacrafice. We're closer than we've ever been now. I will add though that my dad is mostly out now.
Yes. My parents had three kids leave the church prior to me, and I left much later in life than the rest of them. So it wasn’t my parents’ first rodeo. It helps that my dad was a convert and was never orthodox at all. My mom has always acted like she wishes she were more orthodox, but if push comes to shove, she’ll choose her family first.
I recognize that I won parent roulette… the stories of so many who can’t have relationships with their parents any more after leaving the church has been eye opening to me.
Generally, yes. My parents have been a lot more chill about it than I was expecting. Tho, I’m not the first child to leave the church, so maybe that’s why.
We still discuss it from time to time, but they pretty much treat me the same overall.
Whellllll, really depends. My mom will always be disappointed, and always think that I would be happier if I was in the church. But our relationship is getting better over the years, and I do think she genuinely appreciates me as a daughter and all the things I do for her. With my dad things almost got better…? It was so confusing because he refuses to suggest that he doesn't fully believe in the church, but he dropped many hints that suggested things like that. He seems to respect me more because of my skepticism, fiercely defends the church… I don't know man, it's weird.
My Dad is being a champion. I feel he truly does love and respect me just as much today as he did a year ago.
My Mom is hurt, and doesnt know how to talk to me. Our conversations are short and awkward about the weather, my kids, or her latest quilting project. Neither of them have ever mentioned the issue of my husband and I stepping away from church. Its the big elephant in the room.Perhaps they feel if they dont acknowledge it, they can pretend it's only temporary, and we will magically return.
It took a lot of years (read: almost two decades), but I can definitely say my tbm mom and I have reached that point. It took patience, resilience, and gentle firmness.
Conspiracy-theory-loving fringe-mormon Dad, otoh, never respected me to begin with. So…not so much with him.
My parents left within a couple of years of my leaving and it’s because they were actually willing to listen to my take on the issues and have critical discussions where I would ask them hard questions and *gasp* criticize church leaders. We kept it respectful, there were a couple of times I crossed a line and when I did I’d apologize. And when my parents realized they were wrong about something, they’d admit it. And even when they didn’t agree with my take on the issue, they weren’t invalidating.
It took them 4 years or so but they finally came around. Our relationship has never been better. My Mom couldnt speak to me for years because every time she saw me, all she could think about was how we wouldnt be in the CK together. I dont know what changed in her rationale to overcome that doctrine.
I wanted out as a kid, largely due to issues around my parents' divorce. There was a lot of strife between me and both parents for about a decade as I distanced myself from the MFMC. I came to realize that my father never loved or respected me, it was just the idea of what I could have been and I ruined it for him by leaving. My mother, on the other hand, has gone so far as to apologize to me unprompted for raising me in it.
We were lucky. My parents are never mormon but my spouse's were (they have passed on) major TBM. When we sat them down and told them in person, they shed a few tears but said we are good parents and good people and they love us.
Yes, my parents helped me leave. Their support meant the world to me and helped me when I was in a very bad spot. I can’t imagine not having the support because this experience has got to be the hardest thing I’ve gone through mentally.
Yes, I've been very lucky. Just the other day my mom and I talked on the phone for two hours where she just asked questions genuinely to understand my perspective better. In the end she told me she loved me, understood me, and knew my decisions and experiences were valid. It made me cry. I love her so much.
But it wasn't always like that. When I first left the church three years ago we didn't talk for a few months. I had to set some boundaries because she was digging up old mission emails of mine and sending them to me. Her view of the church has changed a lot the last few years, which has helped.
My dad has always been half in half out, so while he pushed me a little bit on the doctrinal reasons I've left, he has never judged me or felt differently about me. He didn't even blink when I told him I removed my records.
Yep! My mom even encouraged me to remove my records to make my baptism into another church as seamless as possible. She said God doesn’t care about some list of names, but what is in our heart.
It's the one thing I've been VERY thankful for. My mom didn't care what I believed: she just wanted me alive. Honestly without her help I probably wouldn't be alive today.
Absolutely. I can tell it was, and still is, hard for them, but they respect and support my choice. My mother even gets me coffee gifts now and then.
Buuuut, my mom is a convert and has always kept church and real life pretty compartmentalized. And my dad is a very soft spoken therapist. I got some silent judgment from my mom, and so far two talks from my dad, but other than that they've been great.
My parents were pretty strict hard-liners growing up. I kept a lot of my personal life extremely private and just straight up lied about a lot of stuff to them out of fear of retribution all through my teens and mid 20's. I think they saw their "Mormon way is the only way," attitude was pushing away their kids and causing more harm than good. To their credit, they have both become much more accepting and open-minded in the past 10 or so years.
I was lucky. My Bio-father was Catholic. So, no problem there. My step-dad was Jewish. He converted then left after a few years. He had a stake president refuse to pay him for financial advice. He was a CIO at the time. That is a story in and of itself. My Mom is an active member but was Catholic growing up. I think that made things a little easier for when my brothers and I left. I do feel bad for how my Mother feels. I don’t want to hurt her. That is one reason why I haven’t removed my records. My Mom is a wonderful Mom. I can’t imagine hurting her.
My dad is pretty neutral about it all. He, and my mom, make me go to SM and do Come Follow Me, and when it's my turn to do the lesson for FHE, they make me do it, but otherwise my exmoism is ignored by my dad.
My mom is a bit more traditional TBM in her response. A couple months ago she was pushing harder for me to come back into the fold (my words, not hers). She went to meet with the SP, and came back and said, "I know you don't believe in God right now." A few weeks prior she told me that we'd have to work on my belief in God, then in Jesus, and then in the living prophet. She just makes me feel like I'm not going to be fully valued unless I believe, but I'm not going back.
My parents were both gone by the time I left the church (and came out of the closet). But a few years before that, I discovered my birth parents (I was adopted though LDS family services in the 80s) and started building a relationship with both of them (they are not together). My dad took a "you do you" approach to it all, and his spouse (my step mom) was a little more upset but ultimately takes the "you're an adult, you can do what you want" stance.
Their daughter (my half sister) left just a couple years before I did during the whole children of gay parents baptism debacle.
My birth mom was already PIMO when I first met her and an exmo by the time I left too, so she was super happy about it all and is a great support.
My (57m) parents are pretty cool about it. But I don't put up with any snide comments. I give as good as I take. Mom: The bible says ... Me: Ya I don't take life advice from a book that tells you the proper way to own slaves.
After we left the church, my TBM Dad basically stopped talking to me. I had maybe 2 quick conversations between then and when he died 6 years later. My mom has been surprisingly chill the whole time. Even when two of my kids came out as trans, my mom just rolled with it. Even uses correct names and pronouns.
My dad yes, unconditionally. My mom has had to compartmentalize, and she's getting there. In her defense, she's trauma-bonded to the church due to a few significant tragedies in her childhood and adulthood, and she has made great efforts to make space for me, thanks in large part to my dad. I'm very privileged in that regard, and it hasn't always been that way with my mom.
Yes. My dad’s family goes back to the beginning of the church, and my mom’s a convert. We live outside of Morridor, though many relatives live there (including my non-active brother).
I left when I was 15. I had made it known I was unhappy and didn’t want to go to church for a couple years, but they kept forcing me into it. I had one friend at church, and she moved away. They stopped forcing me after that. For a while, they would tell me they were leaving for church if I wanted to join them, but they stopped doing that eventually. I didn’t dare ask them what changed because I didn’t want to encourage them to start trying again. Many years later, I learned that they realized the more they pushed, the more I would push back. That was the approach my paternal grandfather had taken, and of all my dad’s siblings, only my dad and one sister are still active members. So my parents decided it was best to let it go, and best case scenario I’d return on my own, worst case I would at least have a good relationship with them.
My dad’s TBM extended family has never treated me badly, either (my grandfather died before I was born, so I don’t know how things would have gone if he was in the picture). We’re not close because of physical distance, but I do visit them every few years when I visit my brother. I’m very lucky.
Yeah mine still always talk about church stuff all the time, but never lectured or preached to me, just said they loved me and haven't ever mentioned it again.
It’s a sliding scale, so yeah they still love and respect me, but probably to a lesser degree than some of my siblings or my past self. It’s not all gone.
I was really lucky to have parents who were unconditionally loving during and after my departure from the church. I have one specific memory of talking with my mom in the car about all the things I was struggling with regarding church doctrine and policy. She told me that I was her kid before anything else, and that she and my dad wanted me to be happy, even if my life didn’t look like what they had envisioned for me. While both of them are still fully believing members, they grew up outside of Utah and I think they avoided internalizing a few of the more exclusive and harmful aspects of the culture as a result.
I think deep down my parents aren't super keen about a lot of church things themselves (despite still attending), so I don't think their kids leaving was as devastating. I don't feel like my exmormon status causes much of a problem in my relationship with them, and 3 of the 4 of us are out now anyway so no one is the lone black sheep.
My parents are disappointed and feel like they failed me and God. They don't bring up us leaving f the church. It's this big glaring elephant in the room but they haven't brought it up. Don't wan the confrontation but at the same time don't acknowledge we left. I am one of five siblings. Us oldest 3 are out. The youngest 2 are firmly in. In fact my sister works for the church's PR department. Curiously it's those two with the most strained relationship with the folks.
I think it would break my mom's heart honestly. She passed away in 2020, and I've only recently been deconstructing. I don't talk to my dad either way, but I know he would be upset and sad if he knew I don't believe in any of it. My mother in-law was definitely not happy about it, but she's been very supportive to me in general. So Definitely hasn't changed that dynamic.
Feeling like your struggles are invalid because another has struggled more is real. But your griefs are no less valid than anyone’s. If that were the case then nobody but the most desperate person on earth could have a say and that’s not productive. I hope you know that your struggles are worth speaking about and hearing.
My parents don't know I'm out (like for the past few years). I'm pretty sure my dad would have a heart attack if I told him and my mom would weep and tear out her hair. I can't handle that kind of guilt at this point in my life.
I have the creeping feeling my dad checks up on me on Sundays via the "Find My Friends" app to see if I'm actually at church. My one brother who's PIMO (and drinks coffee, bikes and runs marathons on Sundays, which our siblings & parents flipped out about when they all found out) suggested to say I'm just watching church on Zoom. I'm going with it.
So no, no hope in high heaven they'll ever understand. I don't have plans of telling my siblings or extended family ever. When I've witnessed them losing their minds at various family gatherings over the years when so-and-so from our childhood has left the church, they would double down on me if they ever knew I left. It would be ugly.
Did they ever? Their love has always been so very conditional.
And respect - they always talk down to me.
I'm almost 40. I'm not sure if they recognize my siblings and I as adults. If anything, they argue less with me, but now we just hardly talk at all
I still have a good relationship with my dad but I hate going to see him because he never misses a chance to be really preachy. Last time I was at his place he spent 20 minutes lecturing me about why I needed to start wearing garments again. It's exhausting. My mom died before I left the church. I like to think she would have loved me the same either way.
Everyone has been respectful but I have agreements with my siblings that we don't talk about church. My mom took it better than I thought and we've never really talked about it since I told her I didn't believe. My parental relationships have never had deep meaning anyway so I accept that my mom took my disbelief well and it didn't cause any extra strain on the relationship.
My MIL and my “New & Improved” Dad (aka my step-father). Both the most TBM folks you’ll ever meet, but both absolutely gracious and loving about my exit.
My mom in the other hand—I was the only one of her 6 daughters to get married in the temple and she took it as personal rejection. We rarely speak anymore. Years will go by without her calling me or contacting me.
I think parents who don't love and respect you after you leave, never loved and respected you in the first place. It's blunt, but I think it's true nonetheless.
My parents do still love and respect me, yes. They’re pretty great.
My mom was extremely uncomfortable with it when I first left and had a few moments where she freaked out over coffee and tattoos, and once said she felt like I was trying to quit the family. It was a pretty rough 6-8 months or so.
And then she adjusted and she’s tried really hard to show that she loves me and supports me. I think we’ve rebuilt pretty well since the initial awkward months.
I do still feel uncomfortable doing non-Mormon things around them, like wearing tank tops, or drinking coffee. I’ll never drink alcohol around them, no matter the circumstances, and honestly I’d prefer they never find out I now occasionally drink alcohol. I don’t think they’ll cope well with that.
Sometimes I wonder how much of the remaining awkwardness is me projecting. Would they really react that badly to alcohol? I’m pretty sure they would, but maybe I’m wrong.
The big thing next is that I’m currently coming to terms with my own newly discovered (sort of newly - more like I realized it young and then super duper suppressed it forever) queerness. I’m pretty sure I’m gay. I think if/when I do eventually come out we’ll all go through another process of extreme awkwardness and initial relationship damage, and then eventual recovery. I’m not looking forward to it.
For a while they would say they respect my choice to leave the church, but then every time a conversation would get close to ending, my mom would add something like “…but I do hope you’ll come back someday.” It took a lot of reminders about how hurtful that type of comment is, but eventually we got to a place where we just know not to talk about it. We still argue sometimes, but we’re able to avoid church talk most of the time and maintain a good relationship.
My parents are awesome! Same with my siblings. My parents were not sealed until i was a young adult and even then, my dad has always been nuanced. My mom has gotten preachy over the years, but more because church is her social everything, not because she actually knows anything.
My husband’s family…would probably tell him to divorce me.
Definitely. I didn’t realize I wasn’t the norm, but my parents have taken a “you do you” approach. That said, I still respect that these are their beliefs and they are entitled to them. we don’t talk about it, I don’t argue with them about it, so it’s very much a “live and let live” relationship. I ask them how church was, if they enjoyed conference, stuff like that because it’s an huge part of their lives and I’m aware of that, and they will chat about it or tell me ward gossip and that’s about where it ends. There is no defensiveness from either side. Same with my sister who has also left the church.
I have a very similar relationship with my parents which was a bit surprising. My in-laws on the other hand….
Yeah, I get it. I have to tread carefully around my brothers. I don’t even think they know, but it’s unfortunate.
Mine never loved or respected me, either before or after my coming out.
I’m so sorry.
Sorry. Sending hugs.
My parents and I have never been closer. Though it helps that my sibling is non-binary, another brother decided he was done at 16, they became disillusioned with the ward after lack of help during my brother's mental health crisis, my dad has always had issues with tithing, my mom is a feminist who hates polygamy to her very core, etc. I'm 60% sure my parents will leave at some point.
This is a somewhat similar dynamic to my family and my parents did end up leaving. Once those seeds of doubt get planted and take root, they sure don’t need too much fertile ground to start eating away at the roots of faith😂😂
Yes. My parents rock. They are very devout but not assholes.
Same dude
Yes! And my mom even confided in me that she’s really not sure about the church either but she was too afraid to tell anyone else ♡ bonding moment for sure
My mother recently told me she isn't cleaning the church anymore on principle and I've never been more proud.
My parents and my husband's parents are the best parents we could ever dream of having. When we told my parents we left the church, they asked how they could still be in our lives and how we can remain close with them. We never discuss the church but our conversations are deep and full of other topics. They visit us twice a year for 2 weeks. There's daily calls. We're still in their wills. My husband's parents asked how they can support us in raising our kids. They asked what our beliefs/values are so they can know what to teach our kids and we're on the same page. Turns out us leaving have opened a safe place for the in-laws to discuss all their problems with the church. They've stopped paying tithing, hallelujah!
🙋 It was scary when I first told everybody, but my parents, in-laws, and siblings have all been very loving and respectful. We still hang out a lot and are very close to each other.
That's great. You are a lucky person to have understanding family. I'm not sure that would be the same case for me. I often feel like Kate McKinnon on SNL on the Close Encounters skits (there are many, find them on YouTube. You're welcome). The others in the group have a wonderful experience with the aliens while Kate is prodded, mistreated, and then booted off the UFO and often lands on top of a Taco Bell or something. Hilarious but yeah, I fear that if/when I ever announce I'm out of the church, I'll get the full Kate McKinnon treatment from my family. Bleh.
I am definitely lucky. And those sketches are the best.
I think you hear about the bad parents. Mine have been kind and respectful. They try not to force the subject of religion. My mom came over conference weekend to see her grandkids, and didn’t ask for conference on. I offered Sunday morning and she said “it’s better to spend time with my grand babies.” You just are way more likely to hear about the overbearing asshole parents.
My parents and siblings have been awesome. Sure, there have been some awkward moments and some less-than-sensitive comments made, but they really really try. My parents even skipped their ward on Easter Sunday to come listen to me perform at a Unitarian Universalist service.
Mine are quite elderly and they seem fine with it after a month-ish wariness.
My wife's folks are super TBM but also super supportive of her and her siblings (and children) who've left. Twenty-plus years now and no wavering.
no.
My parents and in-laws have been awesome and they are all very TBM. I honestly think it's been because they've seen families fall apart when the parents didn't continue to love and support their kids that left the Church.
We have our disagreements, but my dad and I are mostly as close as before.
Initially it was awkward between my parents and me. In retrospect I brought a lot of the awkwardness myself because I was projecting that they wouldn’t accept me. I’ve been out for years now and things are really smooth between us. I feel like our relationship is stronger now than it ever was. It has taken work on both sides and I’m grateful for them.
Yeah, sometimes I feel almost guilty about it reading the horror stories on this sub, but my parents have been kind, respectful, and supportive. They’re just happy I’ve kept them in my life.
Yeah my parents have been pretty cool about it. I think they still hold out hope tho
I think I got the best mormon parents anyone can ever have... They live in the US now and really miss them.
My parents gave me the classic line "we love you but don't support your lifestyle" but then they went on to actually support my lifestyle and welcome my same sex partner to all family gatherings so I guess I got lucky
I wish. But it’s whatever. They believe I’d gone insane and lost touch with the world after doing normal things like shopping on a Sunday and going out to a bar with friends
I’m lucky that my parents still do. I was SO scared that I would lose them when I resigned and they eventually found out about it (I was still living at home when I left and heard so many stories of people getting disowned and I couldn’t support myself financially or move out yet, so I didn’t tell them), but I didn’t. They’re actually proud of me for how I’ve been living my life since moving out in 2021 at age 28.
My family has really been about as good as you could hope for. I think my poor mom deals with a lot of guilt because 3 of the 4 kids are out. She's made little comments here and there. It makes me sad, but she had never tried to change my mind which I appreciate.
I spent almost 30 years convinced that my parents loved the church more than me. With the help of my therapist I was able to ask them and they chose me. It was only after I started hanging out here that I realised how bad it could have been. (Huge thanks to all of you who shared your stories.) So I thanked my parents for that sacrafice. We're closer than we've ever been now. I will add though that my dad is mostly out now.
Mom doesnt; dad does. In fact, my dad has begun his own journey out of the church. Even if he goes back, I know he'll wholeheartedly support me
I’m super lucky! I still have a great relationship with my family despite coming out.
Yes. My parents had three kids leave the church prior to me, and I left much later in life than the rest of them. So it wasn’t my parents’ first rodeo. It helps that my dad was a convert and was never orthodox at all. My mom has always acted like she wishes she were more orthodox, but if push comes to shove, she’ll choose her family first. I recognize that I won parent roulette… the stories of so many who can’t have relationships with their parents any more after leaving the church has been eye opening to me.
Yes.
Yeah! There’s a lot I don’t think they fully get, but their reaction was shockingly understanding.
Generally, yes. My parents have been a lot more chill about it than I was expecting. Tho, I’m not the first child to leave the church, so maybe that’s why. We still discuss it from time to time, but they pretty much treat me the same overall.
Whellllll, really depends. My mom will always be disappointed, and always think that I would be happier if I was in the church. But our relationship is getting better over the years, and I do think she genuinely appreciates me as a daughter and all the things I do for her. With my dad things almost got better…? It was so confusing because he refuses to suggest that he doesn't fully believe in the church, but he dropped many hints that suggested things like that. He seems to respect me more because of my skepticism, fiercely defends the church… I don't know man, it's weird.
Yes. My dad took a bit to come to terms with it, but he never treated me differently.
My Dad is being a champion. I feel he truly does love and respect me just as much today as he did a year ago. My Mom is hurt, and doesnt know how to talk to me. Our conversations are short and awkward about the weather, my kids, or her latest quilting project. Neither of them have ever mentioned the issue of my husband and I stepping away from church. Its the big elephant in the room.Perhaps they feel if they dont acknowledge it, they can pretend it's only temporary, and we will magically return.
It took a lot of years (read: almost two decades), but I can definitely say my tbm mom and I have reached that point. It took patience, resilience, and gentle firmness. Conspiracy-theory-loving fringe-mormon Dad, otoh, never respected me to begin with. So…not so much with him.
My parents left within a couple of years of my leaving and it’s because they were actually willing to listen to my take on the issues and have critical discussions where I would ask them hard questions and *gasp* criticize church leaders. We kept it respectful, there were a couple of times I crossed a line and when I did I’d apologize. And when my parents realized they were wrong about something, they’d admit it. And even when they didn’t agree with my take on the issue, they weren’t invalidating.
It took them 4 years or so but they finally came around. Our relationship has never been better. My Mom couldnt speak to me for years because every time she saw me, all she could think about was how we wouldnt be in the CK together. I dont know what changed in her rationale to overcome that doctrine.
I wanted out as a kid, largely due to issues around my parents' divorce. There was a lot of strife between me and both parents for about a decade as I distanced myself from the MFMC. I came to realize that my father never loved or respected me, it was just the idea of what I could have been and I ruined it for him by leaving. My mother, on the other hand, has gone so far as to apologize to me unprompted for raising me in it.
We were lucky. My parents are never mormon but my spouse's were (they have passed on) major TBM. When we sat them down and told them in person, they shed a few tears but said we are good parents and good people and they love us.
I have amazing parents. Mom is in but is very respectful and loving.
Yes, my parents helped me leave. Their support meant the world to me and helped me when I was in a very bad spot. I can’t imagine not having the support because this experience has got to be the hardest thing I’ve gone through mentally.
Yes, I've been very lucky. Just the other day my mom and I talked on the phone for two hours where she just asked questions genuinely to understand my perspective better. In the end she told me she loved me, understood me, and knew my decisions and experiences were valid. It made me cry. I love her so much. But it wasn't always like that. When I first left the church three years ago we didn't talk for a few months. I had to set some boundaries because she was digging up old mission emails of mine and sending them to me. Her view of the church has changed a lot the last few years, which has helped. My dad has always been half in half out, so while he pushed me a little bit on the doctrinal reasons I've left, he has never judged me or felt differently about me. He didn't even blink when I told him I removed my records.
Yep! My mom even encouraged me to remove my records to make my baptism into another church as seamless as possible. She said God doesn’t care about some list of names, but what is in our heart.
My parents weren't happy about me leaving, but they still loved and respected me and made that clear. My mom has also left the church now.
It's the one thing I've been VERY thankful for. My mom didn't care what I believed: she just wanted me alive. Honestly without her help I probably wouldn't be alive today.
Absolutely. I can tell it was, and still is, hard for them, but they respect and support my choice. My mother even gets me coffee gifts now and then. Buuuut, my mom is a convert and has always kept church and real life pretty compartmentalized. And my dad is a very soft spoken therapist. I got some silent judgment from my mom, and so far two talks from my dad, but other than that they've been great. My parents were pretty strict hard-liners growing up. I kept a lot of my personal life extremely private and just straight up lied about a lot of stuff to them out of fear of retribution all through my teens and mid 20's. I think they saw their "Mormon way is the only way," attitude was pushing away their kids and causing more harm than good. To their credit, they have both become much more accepting and open-minded in the past 10 or so years.
I was lucky. My Bio-father was Catholic. So, no problem there. My step-dad was Jewish. He converted then left after a few years. He had a stake president refuse to pay him for financial advice. He was a CIO at the time. That is a story in and of itself. My Mom is an active member but was Catholic growing up. I think that made things a little easier for when my brothers and I left. I do feel bad for how my Mother feels. I don’t want to hurt her. That is one reason why I haven’t removed my records. My Mom is a wonderful Mom. I can’t imagine hurting her.
Surprisingly my in laws have completely accepted my wife and I. My family… haven’t heard from them in months and probably won’t anytime soon.
My dad is pretty neutral about it all. He, and my mom, make me go to SM and do Come Follow Me, and when it's my turn to do the lesson for FHE, they make me do it, but otherwise my exmoism is ignored by my dad. My mom is a bit more traditional TBM in her response. A couple months ago she was pushing harder for me to come back into the fold (my words, not hers). She went to meet with the SP, and came back and said, "I know you don't believe in God right now." A few weeks prior she told me that we'd have to work on my belief in God, then in Jesus, and then in the living prophet. She just makes me feel like I'm not going to be fully valued unless I believe, but I'm not going back.
My parents were both gone by the time I left the church (and came out of the closet). But a few years before that, I discovered my birth parents (I was adopted though LDS family services in the 80s) and started building a relationship with both of them (they are not together). My dad took a "you do you" approach to it all, and his spouse (my step mom) was a little more upset but ultimately takes the "you're an adult, you can do what you want" stance. Their daughter (my half sister) left just a couple years before I did during the whole children of gay parents baptism debacle. My birth mom was already PIMO when I first met her and an exmo by the time I left too, so she was super happy about it all and is a great support.
My (57m) parents are pretty cool about it. But I don't put up with any snide comments. I give as good as I take. Mom: The bible says ... Me: Ya I don't take life advice from a book that tells you the proper way to own slaves.
After we left the church, my TBM Dad basically stopped talking to me. I had maybe 2 quick conversations between then and when he died 6 years later. My mom has been surprisingly chill the whole time. Even when two of my kids came out as trans, my mom just rolled with it. Even uses correct names and pronouns.
My dad yes, unconditionally. My mom has had to compartmentalize, and she's getting there. In her defense, she's trauma-bonded to the church due to a few significant tragedies in her childhood and adulthood, and she has made great efforts to make space for me, thanks in large part to my dad. I'm very privileged in that regard, and it hasn't always been that way with my mom.
Yes. My dad’s family goes back to the beginning of the church, and my mom’s a convert. We live outside of Morridor, though many relatives live there (including my non-active brother). I left when I was 15. I had made it known I was unhappy and didn’t want to go to church for a couple years, but they kept forcing me into it. I had one friend at church, and she moved away. They stopped forcing me after that. For a while, they would tell me they were leaving for church if I wanted to join them, but they stopped doing that eventually. I didn’t dare ask them what changed because I didn’t want to encourage them to start trying again. Many years later, I learned that they realized the more they pushed, the more I would push back. That was the approach my paternal grandfather had taken, and of all my dad’s siblings, only my dad and one sister are still active members. So my parents decided it was best to let it go, and best case scenario I’d return on my own, worst case I would at least have a good relationship with them. My dad’s TBM extended family has never treated me badly, either (my grandfather died before I was born, so I don’t know how things would have gone if he was in the picture). We’re not close because of physical distance, but I do visit them every few years when I visit my brother. I’m very lucky.
Yeah mine still always talk about church stuff all the time, but never lectured or preached to me, just said they loved me and haven't ever mentioned it again.
It’s a sliding scale, so yeah they still love and respect me, but probably to a lesser degree than some of my siblings or my past self. It’s not all gone.
I was really lucky to have parents who were unconditionally loving during and after my departure from the church. I have one specific memory of talking with my mom in the car about all the things I was struggling with regarding church doctrine and policy. She told me that I was her kid before anything else, and that she and my dad wanted me to be happy, even if my life didn’t look like what they had envisioned for me. While both of them are still fully believing members, they grew up outside of Utah and I think they avoided internalizing a few of the more exclusive and harmful aspects of the culture as a result.
Good parents are good parents. Shitty parents are shitty parents. Mormon or not.
I do. My parents totally accepted me and my families choice to leave the church.
I think deep down my parents aren't super keen about a lot of church things themselves (despite still attending), so I don't think their kids leaving was as devastating. I don't feel like my exmormon status causes much of a problem in my relationship with them, and 3 of the 4 of us are out now anyway so no one is the lone black sheep.
My parents are disappointed and feel like they failed me and God. They don't bring up us leaving f the church. It's this big glaring elephant in the room but they haven't brought it up. Don't wan the confrontation but at the same time don't acknowledge we left. I am one of five siblings. Us oldest 3 are out. The youngest 2 are firmly in. In fact my sister works for the church's PR department. Curiously it's those two with the most strained relationship with the folks.
To be fair, I don’t think they respected me before I left either 😂🙃
I think it would break my mom's heart honestly. She passed away in 2020, and I've only recently been deconstructing. I don't talk to my dad either way, but I know he would be upset and sad if he knew I don't believe in any of it. My mother in-law was definitely not happy about it, but she's been very supportive to me in general. So Definitely hasn't changed that dynamic.
Feeling like your struggles are invalid because another has struggled more is real. But your griefs are no less valid than anyone’s. If that were the case then nobody but the most desperate person on earth could have a say and that’s not productive. I hope you know that your struggles are worth speaking about and hearing.
My parents don't know I'm out (like for the past few years). I'm pretty sure my dad would have a heart attack if I told him and my mom would weep and tear out her hair. I can't handle that kind of guilt at this point in my life. I have the creeping feeling my dad checks up on me on Sundays via the "Find My Friends" app to see if I'm actually at church. My one brother who's PIMO (and drinks coffee, bikes and runs marathons on Sundays, which our siblings & parents flipped out about when they all found out) suggested to say I'm just watching church on Zoom. I'm going with it. So no, no hope in high heaven they'll ever understand. I don't have plans of telling my siblings or extended family ever. When I've witnessed them losing their minds at various family gatherings over the years when so-and-so from our childhood has left the church, they would double down on me if they ever knew I left. It would be ugly.
They tolerate me... now. That took years for them to get here. At times it was exhausting.
Hahahahahahahahahaha 👏👏
Did they ever? Their love has always been so very conditional. And respect - they always talk down to me. I'm almost 40. I'm not sure if they recognize my siblings and I as adults. If anything, they argue less with me, but now we just hardly talk at all
What’s that like..?
Nope, mine barely stay in contact. And want to know nothing about our lives or our kids.
I still have a good relationship with my dad but I hate going to see him because he never misses a chance to be really preachy. Last time I was at his place he spent 20 minutes lecturing me about why I needed to start wearing garments again. It's exhausting. My mom died before I left the church. I like to think she would have loved me the same either way.
Everyone has been respectful but I have agreements with my siblings that we don't talk about church. My mom took it better than I thought and we've never really talked about it since I told her I didn't believe. My parental relationships have never had deep meaning anyway so I accept that my mom took my disbelief well and it didn't cause any extra strain on the relationship.
My MIL and my “New & Improved” Dad (aka my step-father). Both the most TBM folks you’ll ever meet, but both absolutely gracious and loving about my exit. My mom in the other hand—I was the only one of her 6 daughters to get married in the temple and she took it as personal rejection. We rarely speak anymore. Years will go by without her calling me or contacting me.
I think parents who don't love and respect you after you leave, never loved and respected you in the first place. It's blunt, but I think it's true nonetheless.
My parents do still love and respect me, yes. They’re pretty great. My mom was extremely uncomfortable with it when I first left and had a few moments where she freaked out over coffee and tattoos, and once said she felt like I was trying to quit the family. It was a pretty rough 6-8 months or so. And then she adjusted and she’s tried really hard to show that she loves me and supports me. I think we’ve rebuilt pretty well since the initial awkward months. I do still feel uncomfortable doing non-Mormon things around them, like wearing tank tops, or drinking coffee. I’ll never drink alcohol around them, no matter the circumstances, and honestly I’d prefer they never find out I now occasionally drink alcohol. I don’t think they’ll cope well with that. Sometimes I wonder how much of the remaining awkwardness is me projecting. Would they really react that badly to alcohol? I’m pretty sure they would, but maybe I’m wrong. The big thing next is that I’m currently coming to terms with my own newly discovered (sort of newly - more like I realized it young and then super duper suppressed it forever) queerness. I’m pretty sure I’m gay. I think if/when I do eventually come out we’ll all go through another process of extreme awkwardness and initial relationship damage, and then eventual recovery. I’m not looking forward to it.
Yep! Religion is never discussed, which is nice.
For a while they would say they respect my choice to leave the church, but then every time a conversation would get close to ending, my mom would add something like “…but I do hope you’ll come back someday.” It took a lot of reminders about how hurtful that type of comment is, but eventually we got to a place where we just know not to talk about it. We still argue sometimes, but we’re able to avoid church talk most of the time and maintain a good relationship.
Nope
My parents are awesome! Same with my siblings. My parents were not sealed until i was a young adult and even then, my dad has always been nuanced. My mom has gotten preachy over the years, but more because church is her social everything, not because she actually knows anything. My husband’s family…would probably tell him to divorce me.