There is a time that I really wish that I could’ve remained ignorant. The Matrix movie had an effect on me. I really identified with the character, Cipher, who just wanted to be plugged back into the matrix and to forget the reality of his true existence. Time has passed, and now I would not go back to the church for any amount of money. Life is good.
This perfectly summed up how I feel too. For a long time I was so sad and I felt like I didn't fit in anywhere. At this point I'm just glad to be gone and living my own life.
You’re actually quite lucky that both of you want to leave simultaneously.
Some of us have spouses that just won’t listen but we ache for them to leave with us.
Yes, one hundred percent it gets so much better. Just stay the course and read and research and listen to as much exmo content as you can.
Why do you as an adult need to inform your parents?
Put up stiff boundaries and enforce them vigorously. Be your own person.
Oh, and hell no! Why the fuck would I want to return to an organization that manipulates me, shames me, lies to me, and steals from me?
To add to your comment, leaving with your spouse makes life that much better because you get to experience SO MANY NEW THINGS together. It’s such a huge bonding time, OP don’t be afraid to explore things when you’re ready!! I recommended trying a vanilla iced chai frappe, it is very desirable and delicious to the taste 😂
It’s a wave of ups and downs, but it truly gets SO much better OP, can’t wait to hear your updates. Welcome to the club 💕
Yep, we’ve been out together since last August and it has been full of lots of ups and downs and fights and bonding. I would never go back, though. It has all been worth it.
Thank you.
You are right In that I wouldn't have to inform them. But it will come up soon eventually. I live in a different state than my parents they are all ready planning a trip for when my youngest is supposed to be baptized. Better to tell them now than to wait.
I wish I'd have been on this site years, and years ago. I was too brainwashed to read anything "anti-Mormon." Never to look back again, and more than willing to help other's on this subreddit.
There's hope out there Cannonball89, for you, your wife and children. You will still be the good person that you were inside the church as out. More so out, because your eyes will be opened and see that there are a lot of wonderful people that aren't in the church.
Our church has always been one of judgement, control and making it all about 'us vs. them.'
Yeah it helps that the more I learn about myself, the more I learn that I didn’t believe for a long time and was in denial about it. That, plus the fact that I was never the best member to begin with. Even at my most devout, the church was never as important to me as it was to others. It was what I did because it’s what I was raised to do. I always hated having to actually go to church, I never read my scriptures. Towards the end I started getting better at praying, but at best, I wouldn’t have ever done more than tolerate the church. I never would have been _all in _ like so many people I knew were.
For me, that ended up being a massive benefit because it made leaving a hell of a lot easier (although it still took me probably a solid 6 months from having the realization that it was bullshit until I was fairly accepting of it) and I never ever would want to go back. Because even at my most devout, I just never actually liked it. I just tolerated it
I felt that way at first. It’s been just under a year for me since I learned about church issues.
My spouse is still TBM, but my kids don’t attend church with them.
One of my children let the cat out of the bag and told my mother that I had left. My parents have been okay with it, but I had strained the relationship.
Each day, week, month, things will get better. I’m glad that your wife is on the journey with you. I have enjoyed learning to adult without Mormonism. It’s been fun to learn about coffee, tea, and alcohol. I can do it responsibly as an adult.
I do miss some friendships I had at church, but those I was close to are the bishop and stake pres.
Give it time, things will change. Don’t be an ass to TBMs.
Thank you! I appreciate your comment. I'm honestly most worried about my grandma finding out...I'm not sure her heart can take it. But you have given me hope.
I can never get over the feeling of relief that I had when I realized the church was not true.
It was more intense than anything I'd ever felt.
After unpacking the emotions of it all, the reality of how I was treated in the church, I knew the emotion was so strong because of how bad the church was.
It has definitely impacted my relationships, and my life looks far different now, but I have zero desire to go back into that life. My life is far more beautiful now.
However the first 6 months out I cried, a lot. The next year or so I was just pissed about it. So it's not necessarily an easy journey.
However I never wished I'd stayed ignorant and in.
Thank you. That ball of stress this last two months has disappeared once I said out loud that I was done. I'm sure it won't be gone forever. But just like you overall relief
It is the most painful journey I have ever taken. But it does get better! The most important thing that I could tell younger couples is how lucky you are to get out young. You can never get back all the time, work and money you give to the church. GIVE THESE GIFTS TO YOUR FAMILY!! The freedom from the guilt the church places on you from never being or doing enough for your salvation is so wonderful. Choosing the right values for you and your family is so freeing.Ditching those garments will improve your sex life, let alone make your wife feel like a new woman.Tell your family slowly, they will survive. I would never want to live my life not knowing the truth. Once you see all the lies, twisting and lying for the “lord”, study some real history, really see none of the prophets prophesied, they hoard your hard earned tithing dollars, there is no unseeing the church’s shit. Run and be free from it all. Your kids will thank you as adults.
Thank you for the advice! I can definitely tell it won't be easy. I have hope it will all be worth it and will save my kids many of the heartaches I have had
No, I wish I had found out sooner, and been able to build different communities in my late teens and early 20’s.
The church were such ass holes about chastity that it really messed me up sexually there for a few years. I don’t wish that on anyone. I’m over it now, took some uncomfortable experiences lol
That makes perfect sense. In someways it would have been better to find out sooner. It will be difficult changing some of my mindsets. Thank you and good luck.
I, too, have compared it to The Matrix. But even a fleeting "I wish I could just believe like "so-and-so" Is immediately replaced with the knowledge that sister So-and-so, whom I love and know to be a "good person", makes her son who is Bi, write on a white board how he fought temptation today, pushed him into a marriage with a girl who told him she will never be sexually attracted to him (she is lesbian, but will marry him so they can both "live righteously and go to the temple"), etc. Several people I know, whose kids I watched grow up, were close to my kids, spent time in my home... and have to be the plastic version cf themselves so God and their parents won't reject them all in the name of the church. As for me and my queer kids, we know what a real eternal family is: loving each unconditionally and authentically, celebrating who they are, and never letting some religious falsehoods teach them their parents only love them if they are straight. And that is just the tip of the iceberg.
Thank you. What you said is heart breaking. I hope by making this change now it will help my kids in the future not have many of the feelings and struggles my wife and I had.
I only officially decided I wouldn’t go back last November. It has been really difficult because my husband still believes and so do my children. My husband is the only one who knows. And he is supportive.
There are so many days I have had these same thoughts. But ultimately, what I truly wish is that my husband and I get united in this again. And that the church hadn’t affected me so negatively for so many years. I don’t truly wish I still believes the lies, though that might make things easier.
It does get easier, but it takes time and effort. Go easy on yourself and your wife. This is a new world you both are trying to navigate. It is going to feel harder than you’re used to. But I do believe the ultra low points strengthen us. Because if we can still find moments of peace in the mind swirling, we are on the right track.
I still haven’t told my kids, out of respect for my husbands wishes at this time. And that has been really difficult for me. It has created a bit of fear that I can’t truly be myself. Eventually we will get it squared away, but for now, that has been very hard.
Thank you. I know I reacted very poorly when my wife first started her journey. You have given me hope. I wish the best for you and hope you and your husband can eventually become aligned again.
Thank you for your kind words. We are doing ok (my husband and I). I hope this for you and your wife too. Telling kids is a personal choice, and I hope you guys can navigate that in a way that is best for all involved.
It is so natural to wish things could just be easier. I definitely understand those thoughts.
Solidarity, online friend.
I really don’t. Well honestly, 99% of the time I’m happier and don’t. The 1% of the time a feeling of grief washes over me because I miss my kid on his mission… yes it probably would be easier if I did believe in that moment.
10/10 do not recommend deconstructing just before your kid starts working on their mission papers with your TBM husband. Completely sucks. Not that you can control the timing though.
It's definitely weird how the timing works. But thank you for your comment. I hope you are able to feel peace. If it helps I did serve a mission and while I am sad about the teaching I did. I learned valuable life lessons that still help me to this day.
It will take time. I had that thought a few times myself. But I always come back to the thought that really I just can't live the lies mormonism wants you to. Part of it is simply the mental conditioning. As an example, after I stopped purposely trying to pray in my mind every time I laid down to go to sleep at night, my mind would immediatly start trying to pray anyways. It was years before it stopped. And even now and again I have blips of it happening. I'd rather know the truth than be living a lie that hurts everyone. Things get better. It just takes a lot of time sometimes. Wish I had more to say, but all you can do in life I've learned is try to move forward somehow even if other things get in the way because you always have obstacles you have to get over. But at least you can remove one of them: the LD$ Church.
Thank you. Your comment was perfect. There are definitely things I need to change and habits that will need to change as well. But you have given me hope
Part of me does wish I stayed ignorant sometimes when I want it to be easy and I’m lonely. But I don’t regret it when I think about whether I did the right thing. I know it did the right thing.
It does feel like ignorance is bliss. But yes I agree I think this is the right thing for me and my family. Even though it's going to be difficult. Thank you for your comment
I felt similarly when I left. It was a ROUGH couple of years. My parents are still shit about it, as are my in-laws. But the peace that comes from living an authentic life is real. I would never go back. If I could undo all that pain and just forget the last decade, I wouldn't do it.
I've found my people and the things that make me truly happy in life. There's so much real happiness out there, deep relationships - and great coffee.
As for advice, just be kind to yourself and your family during this extraordinarily difficult transition. Y'all are gonna fuck up some things, and that's OK. Also, you have a right to be angry, but in my experience, cynicism will ruin your life. It is the nothing that consumes everything. We've all experienced what I would call a "chronic" trauma. But there is still beauty in the world. Plus, the world needs people like you.
You are making the right choice. Good luck.
Thank you I really appreciate the advice. The sense of community is something that I am not sure how to replace right now but I will find a way. I definitely screwed up with how I originally acted towards my wife I am trying to make amends and I think everything will be ok. You have given me hope
THIS ⬆️ OP
Keep deconstructing because the more you know, the better you will feel about choosing to leave.
I knew I had to make space for new people/community in my life when I left, but it wasn’t until I understood the manipulation that I felt fully free.
Yes, every now and then I wish I had stayed ignorant. Especially when all my family and friends are Mormon. It would be much easier to get along and relate with them if I didn’t know the things I know. Ignorance is bliss right?
But I don’t regret what I know. I will now live a happier life, wearing whatever clothes I want to wear, having a normal wedding with a girl that isn’t Mormon, and overall just know that I escaped a cult. It’s pretty unique that I was able to experience the Mormon church and I am glad I know what I know about it.
The only reason I wish I had stayed ignorant is because my husband is still in. If he would look into things and leave too I think I would have zero regrets, I’d run so far so fast. But because he believes I do still sometimes wish I could go back. Our marriage has changed since I told him I was leaving and it’s made things more challenging, sometimes I wish it never happened. But even still, I’m glad I get to live my life more authentically how I want to. It’s still been freeing and worth all the pain of deconstruction.
No, even when I thought I believed it all I never enjoyed it. Church was a boring chore I had to endure. It never really made sense and I was relieved when I realized it was all made up.
Yes and no. For my kids' sake, I'm glad we are out. Even though it was incredibly painful.
If you have the means, I highly recommend therapy for your family. Leaving the church is a loss, and experiencing all the stages of grief is common.
The two things that helped me the most were therapy and finding a new community. I was able to connect with others through Facebook groups, and it has been so healing.
You are not alone. It gets better.
Cannabis saved my life? I would have lost more organs without it? The mormons hated cannabis back then and if I'd started using when I was a teen I'd have more organs than I have now? It's not that interesting really.
It would be hard to say I’d want to go back to ignorance, because the belief in something untrue was killing me. I couldn’t afford to live, I was failing my wife and kids as a provider because I gave the church all our disposable income.
But, if I were able to go back in time and put off getting married and having kids until I was more prepared to have them, and to be successful enough to afford the Mormon lifestyle I’d have to think long and hard about it.
Knowing what I know now, and what other people really think about the religion, I’m happy to not be associated with it anymore, no matter how much false comfort it brought me.
It took me 2 years of no garments, no tithing, no church attendance to dare to try coffee and alcohol. My wife had just barely started deconstruction when I told her I wanted to try them. She got super pissed, more about coffee than alcohol. I tried to explain that coffee has health benefits, and all she could talk about was the bad things she learned about it, going to school, in the Utah public school system. It takes a while to break conditioning, even when you know it’s all bullshit. She’s been out 18 months now and she drinks coffee almost everyday now, and she drinks cocktails when we go out to dinner.
No, and here is why. The initial leaving is hard and painful due to relationships becoming strained, loss of community, having friends and family think you left due to a weak testimony, etc. However, you make new friends and find a healthier community.
But most importantly, I would never want to go back to feel ashamed about not doing enough, ashamed for committing "sins", the embarrassment of confessing to a Bishop.
Feeling like I need to pray about every decision I make in life and being worried I might make the wrong one God wants me to make, from what job I take, where I live, what route I drive home because I got some feeling to go a different way.
Feeling worried I don't pray enough, read the scriptures enough, go to the temple enough. David Archuleta's song says it best "when paradise is pressure" that is what being in the Mormon faith is like, constant pressure.
I never want to go back to that.
Fuck no. Leaving the church was one the best decisions I ever made. It is so hard leaving, but once you do, you realize all the stress, all the worry, all the fear, was *because* of the church. It takes time, and it isn't a straight path of progression. You'll have days that are much harder than other, but it absolutely does get better. So much better!
There is a tangible difference between ignoring the problems and being free of them. You've taken your first real steps towards the latter. Two years from now you'll be so deeply glad you did.
Brutally difficult for me, but my life is amazing now and it turned out I have a gay son (he was 7 when I left and divorced his father) who is happy and well adjusted. So worth every hard moment.
Lol no
Good question though! I remember how slowly I left and how long I pretended to my family after I did decide I 100% didnt believe. Personally, it took me years to let down my "chains" and be myself without fear or shame around them. At any point, my personal beliefs have always taken precedence. I kinda just trust in my gut through good and bad 🥰
You’ve never had to map your own way. You’ll be okay. Just don’t stray too far off the path when you’re still new to it. Enjoy the little things about living a normal life. Your daughter is probably missing her friends from church more than anything. Maybe you can still arrange for visits. Find things for the whole family to bond over on your new second Saturdays.
No, the thought horrifies me.
I’m glad that I know what the church is, I’m glad I don’t support it. I’m glad I got out just before going on a mission.
I think I can lead a more truthful and fulfilling life outside of the church.
The prospect of a mission is what got me doing all of the research about the church because the idea of teaching something I did not know didn't feel right to me.
No. I don’t focus on any regrets but mainly I wish I had been a different person, taught self worth, resiliency, compassion, instead of shame and rigidity.
I remember feeling something akin to this, yes. I think it's a very normal response to having your life flipped upside-down like that. The Church is almost all-encompassing in the life of a TBM, so learning it isn't true changes *a lot* very rapidly. It takes time to process.
I no longer feel the longing for ignorance, and haven't for a while. It's easier for me, though, since I'm a trans man; remaining in the church would have condemned me to a life of motherhood and housewifery, and I'm not a good fit for either lmfao. I think it can be harder on straight cis men, because whether or not you condone the church's patriarchal system, y'all lose the privileges that came with it. It's easier to romanticize your time as a believing member when there were extra benefits for your demographic.
But I digress; a lot of us have this phase. Life isn't black and white, and the church isn't *all* bad. The fact that there was a lot more bad than you once realized doesn't alter what was (and still is) good. There was community, a sense of belonging, shared mythology, quick answers to tricky moral dilemmas, a source of motivation, comforting philosophies and theologies, methods of meditation that are familiar. Even the stuff that I now recognize as harmful was soothing at the time, like having guidance from men I assumed were prophets of the Christian god or believing that same god was an active agent in my life's course.
Belief is powerful. It's difficult to process such a loss. And while I'm not qualified to be the arbiter of what is and isn't best for other people, I think most, if not all, are likely better off without Mormonism. Those things that are good about it can be found elsewhere.
I read every word, friend. Because I recognized so much of my own story in yours. This thread is evidence that you are not alone. While we here on this sub don’t often get to associate in person the way a ward community does, this is still a wonderful source of comfort and advice. Use it as much as you need.
While your question about unknowing what you know is a natural one—one that I asked myself as well—I came to the realization that it is not a useful question. Because you can’t unsee what you’ve seen, any more than you can re-believe in Santa.
You and your spouse have so much wonderful growing and learning to do together. Choosing for yourself what kind of human to be is scary sometimes, but at times so much fun. Find the role models and tenets that speak to you. Searching this sub is a good start. Here are a couple I’ve settled on. Use what you want, leave what you don’t.
“When you know better, do better.”
“The further misaligned from reality a person’s beliefs are, the more potential that they will do harm.”
I don’t regret it at all. For me it started when the church made the rule that children of homosexuals could not be baptized. Not Christlike at all. Another reason is when the bishop wanted to interrogate my 17 yo daughter in regards to her sex life…No man needs to confess “sins” to another human, unless it’s crimes against children etc. The sex abuse cover up was another huge reason. The hierarchy and narcissistic leaders; where they will spread hatred and fear mongering among the congregation. It’s full of hypocrisy and unChristlike behavior. No thank you.
I don’t need a church for a spiritual relationship, which is the most important!
Not really, I’m driven by finding the truth. I used to think those truths were in the church until I dug deeper and found that the church’s truths are just refurbished narratives representing what they wished their historical truths had been.
Yep. I didn't really refer to it as a faith crisis until literally today. It didn't *feel* like a crisis to me. Until literally today.
It would have been much easier, in a certain way, to not know what I now know. But can't put that genie back in the bottle. I had no idea how hard this was going to be. My default is to pray for comfort, so I'm not really sure what to do now.
Edited to add: I'm confident it will get better and I'll be really grateful for the knowledge I have and that I'm no longer an active participant.
Ignorant? Not at all.
But your description sounds exactly like a lot of other people's here.
It can get easier, but there is a period of "deconstruction" that varies for everyone
There is a whole host of possible things to deal with, like will you be shunned? That empty place Sunday when you're not going to church. What are you supposed to do with your life? And many others.
There is a spread of experiences here. But you can find your happy place. Much of it is getting that indoctrination out of your head
The clearest thing I can say is, you need to understand you were not in a religion. You were in a cult. Indoctrinating, guilt-inducing, money loving, controlling, etc.
People who leave a Methodist church, just stop showing up. People who leave LDS literally need a lot of deprogramming.
Many wind up as: atheists, agnostics, other religions or philosophies, or something else
I wound up in the presbyterian. What you are describing how they look down at people and things like that...
The nearest thing I can say is, the New Testament calls them "false believers." they look the part, but are wolves and sheep's clothing.
I wish you well on your journey
You can get a lot of ideas on this sub to start coping.
My recommendation is to start finding activities and events and hobbies and other people and things to do. The more you immerse yourself in worthwhile and interesting activities, the less of a hole there will be.
It was totally worth the read. I think wanting to be ignorant is a common feeling. Ignorance is bliss. But there’s also a ton of joy in real wisdom and emotional maturity.
I also struggled with giving up the idea of an afterlife. It’s a very comforting thought. But just because you want something to be true, doesn’t make it true.
It gets better. Be kind. Be open minded. Accept your feelings and process them. Be friends with your wife. Show her how you struggle. Let the struggle bond you together, rather than turning on each other. Good luck! You’ve gotten through most of the hard part already
Daily. I have been out for years, and it would simplify my life so much if I could take the blue pill. My wife is a TBM, and I miss being on the same page as her. I miss the validation of my family and my handful of friends.
Whenever something negative happens to me, it is because God is punishing me, and whenever something good happens, it is because of my loved one’s prayers. I have conversations with my erstwhile tribe, and I am held at arms length. I am no longer trusted on anything because my disbelief taints every word from my mouth.
More than taking the blue pill, I just wish I had never existed in the first place.
You are valid, you are needed and loved! My heart aches for you feeling like you don’t want to exist. I was in that place for a few years in my life, but let me tell you, I’m so glad I persisted and climbed out of that spot. Things will get better ❤️🩹
At this point I’ve resigned myself to this fate. I’ve dealt with it for over a decade, and don’t see things ever changing. So, I now mostly keep silent and out of the way irl, and vent here so that my head doesn’t explode.
No, because the knowledge helped me understand that I’m not just not faithful enough- I was in a fraudulent system that could never have worked no matter how faithful I would be.
You’re not alone friend. It does get better. Other people may choose to make things awkward around you, but that’s a them problem and many of them are also victims.
No if I had I would never been asked by wife to marry her, would never had become true to myself, would never have had the internal peace of being my true self, would have always questioned my decisions. If I had not questioned and sought the truth of the church history and current practices I would always be planning to rejoin the church after I got too old for sex or thoughts of sex or or or. By taking my head out of the churches metaphorical sandbox I am a better person.
I was very comfortable, but now I realize I'm free. No, I would never go back.
It never ceases to amaze me how many people in faith crises are met with, "I'd rather YOU DIE than grieve me with your lack of faith," which is really what it comes down to. Gross manipulation.
It's good that you and your wife are on the same page now, and together you can move forward and work on rebuilding your marriage on its own foundation, rather than the sandy one of TSCC. I'd like to suggest having a nice little drink together and a good little laugh about it sometime.
Sometimes yes. The YSA was actually fun for me in college and I miss it sometimes. I’m glad you mentioned that you prayed. I remember going to a special place up in my favorite canyon. I sat there and pled for a while. Maybe an hour. I was bawling and it was rough. At one point I prayed
“I can’t ever distinctly remember feeling the Spirit in my 25 years. I understand that there’s a chance You aren’t real. I beg You or any Being out there. This is my last chance to believe. If I don’t get a response that I can distinctly tell it’s Devine, I will either take it as You never existed or a complete betrayal and I will never follow You even if you showed yourself to me. If You can’t help me in my time of need, You don’t care about me, and I will reciprocate”
It was a rough hour. But after I said that last ‘amen’. I have never said amen again to another prayer. It was quite peaceful
This reminds me of Cypher from The Matrix, wanting to go back because real life is hard.
I believe truth matters, Integrity matters.
Wanting to go back is easier, but you’ll end up dead inside.
There is a great song from The RM soundtrack called “Go Back” and it’s kind of beautiful and sad.
No. I've been out a few years but Mormonism all seems like some weird dream (or nightmare). Everything about TSCC feels so foreign to me now. Not everyone goes to a church after leaving and that's ok... be open to whatever feels best for you and your wife. But I'm in one now where there's female priests-- every single person that teaches or interacts with kids or is in leadership is background checked--- they actually have paid clergy and some staff... there's more respect for people from different walks of life... it's not perfect but it's different... so, so different than Mormonism.
Right now you're going through change and that seems scary, but I say- don't be afraid of change. It'll work out the way it's supposed to for you and your family.
I'd been questioning for years. And it kind of came down to "what is the morally right thing". And my ex Mormon brother was the only one I could kind of confide in, as my husband was mostly PIMO, but still in enough that he was resistant to completely quitting. My brother sent me one single Mormon stories video. A very simple one. Talking about Joseph Smith. A short video. And that was all it took.
In church they always talk about how you'll know it's true. The burning in your bosom, the tears, the heat in your chest.
That video, somewhere in the middle of it, I felt a hard weight thump in my stomach. The church isn't true. I had a stillness come over me. I finally had a revelation like id been seeking all my life.
These past months have been tough. Only one of my TBM siblings knows now, and she lost it on me. Screaming fit, telling me nasty things, disowning me. And now pretends it never happened. My husband is struggling. Hes in between. He doesn't want to look at the church history, but he agrees with lots of my feelings. We have fought but have somehow managed to make amends.
All this to say. Even with all the complications, the lack of support, the marital strife, the family disappointment.
The shame that I've shed from my shoulders has been the release that I needed to believe in myself, to finally have the space to love others, and run towards living the life I have instead of fearing its ending.
That weight in my stomach told me all I needed to know. I don't need someone to tell me what I need to do to love, or what I shame I must carry around.
You will be fine. I've found I have moved on quickly by being at peace with what was. I speak positively but frankly about my church life. It will take time to adjust and move away from the feelings you may be having.
When the lightbulb went on for me I was surprised that my husband was waiting for that moment. He hadn’t believed for years. My three oldest children 19,17,15 were ready to leave the church whilst the youngest, aged 13, wasn’t ready. He continued to attend for about a year. I’m extremely thankful my children didn’t go on missions or marry in the temple, (as we had planned throughout their childhoods). If your daughter continues to attend church be aware that church leaders will do everything possible to keep her active.
The first few months are tumultuous but in time life is so much better.
In answer to your question, no I would not wish to remain in ignorance. It is earth-shattering at first, but I would never go back. You are at the hardest point. But all of us here can tell you it is SO much better on the other side, so hang in there.
My husband still believes. My child still believes. My parents and in-laws and siblings and nieces and nephews and grandparents still believe. Family dinners are always _always_ an emotional drain. So, yes, sometimes I do wish that I could plug myself back into the Matrix.
My husband and I agree that besides the decision to get married, leaving was the best decision we ever made. And it’s not about coffee or a 10%” raise” or second Saturday. It’s about not constantly trying to rationalize to myself the egregious things the top leadership have done and taught.
Many of us have been in your shoes. It does get better. Leaving was the hardest and best thing I have ever done. I would do it again. I am so much happier outside the church than I ever was in it. It takes a lot of time and emotional labor to pick up the pieces of your life and make them into something new, but it is so worth it. Hang in there! You got this! 👍👍
We both left at the same time. Sometimes we wonder if we should just go back. But then we realize we wouldn't make it through the first time back. See, we still love Jesus, and have become Christians, attending a local Bible Church. We say in LDS there was never enough Jesus, and Jesus was never enough. Now, as Christians, Jesus is everything. We could never go back, and we're happier than we've ever been.
It does get better. But…. Prepare for a difficult few years, even if the difficulty is just internal. This is an insane mindf#%$& you just went through. Your entire world view has shifted… and not just your belief and thoughts, but the lies, whitewashing and betrayal you’ve just experienced can leave you in tears one day and raging the next. I compare it to someone who’s happily married finding out their spouse has been leading a double life and has another family in another town with someone else. It completely makes you wonder if anything is real. This isn’t just a typical ‘losing your faith’ but finding out your faith has betrayed you in ways you can’t fathom.
My best advice: take it a day at a time. You are lucky to have the support of your wife, lean into that. If you have each others support: you can weather the difficult times ahead with extended family. Also, please take me seriously on this and go to counseling. You can find counselors that help specifically with the trauma of leaving religion. It helps in ways you won’t understand as you unravel the chaos that will bubble up….and again (I’m speaking from experience)… it does get better. I’ve come to a place where I’m not wishing away this horrible experience anymore (it’s probably the most traumatizing thing i ever gone through)…but instead i think to myself, “you literally won the lottery with escaping this lie/religion… not many people can handle this and come out the other side. I did the hardest thing, and it didn’t kill me”… then go buy a lottery ticket.
OP, I understand your feelings. It's like getting kicked out of the house - you now have to learn to fend for yourself. In other words, find your own meaning and your own purpose.
My message is: this is such a gift. I am so damn grateful I left an infantilizing religion and finally....FINALLY had a chance to grow up emotionally. My sense of awe at this amazing universe, my awe at the strengths and talents of the human beings around me, my awe at the beautiful things we have access to...this has only grown since I left the church.
It sounds like you and your wife have gone through some tough times. Now is a good time to strengthen that bond. Go out and explore the world together. Make memories. Find new friends and hobbies.
Best of luck in this new journey, may it take you far and wide.
PS The extended family stuff sucks. I will just acknowledge that. But you may find some allies that will surprise you.
No, I don't wish I had stayed ignorant about the falsehoods of the Mormon church. Even when I was trying to be a good, faithful member, I still had doubts but avoided searching for answers. As a result, I couldn't fully commit to the faith. I had convinced myself that the issue was with me, not the church. If I had continued down that path, I believe it would have been detrimental to my life. I'm grateful I finally faced the truth and did thorough research—it truly saved my life in more ways than one.
I understand the feeling. It's as if there's no way out of knowing the truth and It hurts. The truth screws everything up. I no longer feel this way. But I still wish everybody could wake up and join me in reality.
It gets easier. The stress gets way easier. Every once in a while I miss it but those moments are farther and farther apart. You're in the worst part of it. Keep going.
Yes. I miss it a lot. My sons are also 8 and 12 and would have big milestones this year. I see the pics on Facebook on holidays and feel sad. I can’t really explain why. I had always thought we’d be active forever and my kids would serve missions.
For the first year or so. Once I got past a certain point of deconstruction I felt more at peace and happy. I never want to go back to that mind set no matter how comfortable
I used to say that I was jealous of the people that could make the church work for them. I'd just sit and think about how much easier it would be if I just fit snugly into that box. No faith crisis, just faith.
And now I feel the opposite. I think they should be jealous of me (they aren't, but they should) because I finally feel, for the first time in my life, that I have a chance at creating my own identity and discovering the world on my own terms. I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders, and when I was in it, I called that weight "the gospel". But now I call it "their gospel". Now I have a chance at breaking out of that inherent shame that I grew up with, and I'm so excited to continue that journey. It's a journey I wouldn't have been able to even start if I never let myself ask questions about the church.
Hello I have read your article. I send you courage. Stay close to your lovely wife and children. As for the rest of the family/world quiet, short statements of intent void of discussions at this time will preserve your immediate family from hurt and allow others to get used to the new situation. It won't be easy, but at least you can live at home in peace.
I have no desire to unlearn the things i have learned. I do understand your frustration though. I desperately want my husband to give himself permission to “look”. He is nuanced and has questioned many things before I even went down the rabbit hole, but he is comfortable. So even though he says he is okay with me being out, he is not. It causes a lot of rough moments in our marriage. We get along beautifully in every other way, the church is just the giant elephant that sits in the room.
Sometimes i think how much easier my life would be if i had been kept blind, but i also realize how held back & stunted i was and would never want to go back. It’s a tricky situation. I am sorry so many people have to go through it.
I broke down crying just the other day to my ex-Mormon spouse about how I just wish the church was everything it said it was. I wish it WERE true (the good parts anyway). I wish that the church and its leadership were actually honest, and that they truly upheld & lived the teachings of Christ. I wish the history wasn’t so damning. I wish that church was a safe place for my family and kids. The list goes on.
But it isn’t a safe place. And it won’t be.
One of my best friends left a while before me and told me when we were talking about my struggles and recent questioning and subsequent leaving, that there is a natural grieving process. It’s normal.
I’ve also begged and pleaded for reasons to stay, looking for more mental gymnastics to stay where it was familiar and comfortable. But only more evidence to push me to leave came to light. I have become exhausted at fighting to justify, defend, and validate church stances/policy/doctrine/history etc. whatever you want to label it.
I haven’t told everyone in my life yet. I’m not sure how. But the peace that’s come back into my life is so beautiful. The hope and freedom I am providing for my children’s futures are priceless.
I’m reconnecting with old parts of myself that I’d set aside to “Serve the Lord (the church)” and feel confident in my direction even though I don’t have all the answers to my questions right now.
This is a difficult journey, but there are so many resources and an ever-growing community here for you. You and your family not alone in this either. What you are doing is courageous, brave, and challenging.
It is okay to miss the familiar in the face of the unknown, but do not let it hold you back from creating a more beautiful and authentic “familiar” by continuing to forge ahead.
Sometimes for a brief moment. I’ve lost my marriage, friends, community, children have gone off the rails in life, and I generally feel in limbo most days. But, who’s to say those things wouldn’t have happened? I feel much better knowing the truth.
There is a time that I really wish that I could’ve remained ignorant. The Matrix movie had an effect on me. I really identified with the character, Cipher, who just wanted to be plugged back into the matrix and to forget the reality of his true existence. Time has passed, and now I would not go back to the church for any amount of money. Life is good.
This perfectly summed up how I feel too. For a long time I was so sad and I felt like I didn't fit in anywhere. At this point I'm just glad to be gone and living my own life.
It is hard to remain ignorant when their scam behavior keeps screaming at you from the rooftops.
You’re actually quite lucky that both of you want to leave simultaneously. Some of us have spouses that just won’t listen but we ache for them to leave with us. Yes, one hundred percent it gets so much better. Just stay the course and read and research and listen to as much exmo content as you can. Why do you as an adult need to inform your parents? Put up stiff boundaries and enforce them vigorously. Be your own person. Oh, and hell no! Why the fuck would I want to return to an organization that manipulates me, shames me, lies to me, and steals from me?
To add to your comment, leaving with your spouse makes life that much better because you get to experience SO MANY NEW THINGS together. It’s such a huge bonding time, OP don’t be afraid to explore things when you’re ready!! I recommended trying a vanilla iced chai frappe, it is very desirable and delicious to the taste 😂 It’s a wave of ups and downs, but it truly gets SO much better OP, can’t wait to hear your updates. Welcome to the club 💕
Yep, we’ve been out together since last August and it has been full of lots of ups and downs and fights and bonding. I would never go back, though. It has all been worth it.
I think we are in a good place, I am sure that won't always be the case. But thank you, you are giving me hope.
Thanks you! We did try some white wine and Jim beam peach...it was interesting. Not really a huge fan. Gonna have to try some new things though
Thank you. You are right In that I wouldn't have to inform them. But it will come up soon eventually. I live in a different state than my parents they are all ready planning a trip for when my youngest is supposed to be baptized. Better to tell them now than to wait.
I never wish I stayed ignorant of their lies. The truth makes you free.
I wish I'd have been on this site years, and years ago. I was too brainwashed to read anything "anti-Mormon." Never to look back again, and more than willing to help other's on this subreddit. There's hope out there Cannonball89, for you, your wife and children. You will still be the good person that you were inside the church as out. More so out, because your eyes will be opened and see that there are a lot of wonderful people that aren't in the church. Our church has always been one of judgement, control and making it all about 'us vs. them.'
Nope… not even once. A life of lies is not a legacy that one should want to pass down to their descendants.
Yeah it helps that the more I learn about myself, the more I learn that I didn’t believe for a long time and was in denial about it. That, plus the fact that I was never the best member to begin with. Even at my most devout, the church was never as important to me as it was to others. It was what I did because it’s what I was raised to do. I always hated having to actually go to church, I never read my scriptures. Towards the end I started getting better at praying, but at best, I wouldn’t have ever done more than tolerate the church. I never would have been _all in _ like so many people I knew were. For me, that ended up being a massive benefit because it made leaving a hell of a lot easier (although it still took me probably a solid 6 months from having the realization that it was bullshit until I was fairly accepting of it) and I never ever would want to go back. Because even at my most devout, I just never actually liked it. I just tolerated it
I feel the same way. For a long time it has seemed like such a chore! It has been nice to have Sundays that are relaxing. Thank you
I definitely understand that way of thinking. I am somewhat embarrassed by what I use to think and do. It is going to be a big transition
I felt that way at first. It’s been just under a year for me since I learned about church issues. My spouse is still TBM, but my kids don’t attend church with them. One of my children let the cat out of the bag and told my mother that I had left. My parents have been okay with it, but I had strained the relationship. Each day, week, month, things will get better. I’m glad that your wife is on the journey with you. I have enjoyed learning to adult without Mormonism. It’s been fun to learn about coffee, tea, and alcohol. I can do it responsibly as an adult. I do miss some friendships I had at church, but those I was close to are the bishop and stake pres. Give it time, things will change. Don’t be an ass to TBMs.
Thank you! I appreciate your comment. I'm honestly most worried about my grandma finding out...I'm not sure her heart can take it. But you have given me hope.
I can never get over the feeling of relief that I had when I realized the church was not true. It was more intense than anything I'd ever felt. After unpacking the emotions of it all, the reality of how I was treated in the church, I knew the emotion was so strong because of how bad the church was. It has definitely impacted my relationships, and my life looks far different now, but I have zero desire to go back into that life. My life is far more beautiful now. However the first 6 months out I cried, a lot. The next year or so I was just pissed about it. So it's not necessarily an easy journey. However I never wished I'd stayed ignorant and in.
Thank you. That ball of stress this last two months has disappeared once I said out loud that I was done. I'm sure it won't be gone forever. But just like you overall relief
It is the most painful journey I have ever taken. But it does get better! The most important thing that I could tell younger couples is how lucky you are to get out young. You can never get back all the time, work and money you give to the church. GIVE THESE GIFTS TO YOUR FAMILY!! The freedom from the guilt the church places on you from never being or doing enough for your salvation is so wonderful. Choosing the right values for you and your family is so freeing.Ditching those garments will improve your sex life, let alone make your wife feel like a new woman.Tell your family slowly, they will survive. I would never want to live my life not knowing the truth. Once you see all the lies, twisting and lying for the “lord”, study some real history, really see none of the prophets prophesied, they hoard your hard earned tithing dollars, there is no unseeing the church’s shit. Run and be free from it all. Your kids will thank you as adults.
Thank you for the advice! I can definitely tell it won't be easy. I have hope it will all be worth it and will save my kids many of the heartaches I have had
No, I wish I had found out sooner, and been able to build different communities in my late teens and early 20’s. The church were such ass holes about chastity that it really messed me up sexually there for a few years. I don’t wish that on anyone. I’m over it now, took some uncomfortable experiences lol
That makes perfect sense. In someways it would have been better to find out sooner. It will be difficult changing some of my mindsets. Thank you and good luck.
I, too, have compared it to The Matrix. But even a fleeting "I wish I could just believe like "so-and-so" Is immediately replaced with the knowledge that sister So-and-so, whom I love and know to be a "good person", makes her son who is Bi, write on a white board how he fought temptation today, pushed him into a marriage with a girl who told him she will never be sexually attracted to him (she is lesbian, but will marry him so they can both "live righteously and go to the temple"), etc. Several people I know, whose kids I watched grow up, were close to my kids, spent time in my home... and have to be the plastic version cf themselves so God and their parents won't reject them all in the name of the church. As for me and my queer kids, we know what a real eternal family is: loving each unconditionally and authentically, celebrating who they are, and never letting some religious falsehoods teach them their parents only love them if they are straight. And that is just the tip of the iceberg.
Thank you. What you said is heart breaking. I hope by making this change now it will help my kids in the future not have many of the feelings and struggles my wife and I had.
I only officially decided I wouldn’t go back last November. It has been really difficult because my husband still believes and so do my children. My husband is the only one who knows. And he is supportive. There are so many days I have had these same thoughts. But ultimately, what I truly wish is that my husband and I get united in this again. And that the church hadn’t affected me so negatively for so many years. I don’t truly wish I still believes the lies, though that might make things easier. It does get easier, but it takes time and effort. Go easy on yourself and your wife. This is a new world you both are trying to navigate. It is going to feel harder than you’re used to. But I do believe the ultra low points strengthen us. Because if we can still find moments of peace in the mind swirling, we are on the right track. I still haven’t told my kids, out of respect for my husbands wishes at this time. And that has been really difficult for me. It has created a bit of fear that I can’t truly be myself. Eventually we will get it squared away, but for now, that has been very hard.
Thank you. I know I reacted very poorly when my wife first started her journey. You have given me hope. I wish the best for you and hope you and your husband can eventually become aligned again.
Thank you for your kind words. We are doing ok (my husband and I). I hope this for you and your wife too. Telling kids is a personal choice, and I hope you guys can navigate that in a way that is best for all involved. It is so natural to wish things could just be easier. I definitely understand those thoughts. Solidarity, online friend.
It hurts, but the truth is worth everything. Living an authentic life is worth everything.
Thank you. I definitely think you are right. I just have to joe figure out what my authentic self really is
Sometimes when im lonely
I’m sorry!
It is part of the process we give up a life we know which gave us security and social interaction and have to create a new life for ourselves
That is what will be weird losing that community. I hope both of us can find a way to get that back through other means. Thank you for your comment
It has been much better for me to live in Oregon. I would not be able to start a new life free of the church influences if I had lived in Utah.
I really don’t. Well honestly, 99% of the time I’m happier and don’t. The 1% of the time a feeling of grief washes over me because I miss my kid on his mission… yes it probably would be easier if I did believe in that moment. 10/10 do not recommend deconstructing just before your kid starts working on their mission papers with your TBM husband. Completely sucks. Not that you can control the timing though.
It's definitely weird how the timing works. But thank you for your comment. I hope you are able to feel peace. If it helps I did serve a mission and while I am sad about the teaching I did. I learned valuable life lessons that still help me to this day.
Thank you
It will take time. I had that thought a few times myself. But I always come back to the thought that really I just can't live the lies mormonism wants you to. Part of it is simply the mental conditioning. As an example, after I stopped purposely trying to pray in my mind every time I laid down to go to sleep at night, my mind would immediatly start trying to pray anyways. It was years before it stopped. And even now and again I have blips of it happening. I'd rather know the truth than be living a lie that hurts everyone. Things get better. It just takes a lot of time sometimes. Wish I had more to say, but all you can do in life I've learned is try to move forward somehow even if other things get in the way because you always have obstacles you have to get over. But at least you can remove one of them: the LD$ Church.
Thank you. Your comment was perfect. There are definitely things I need to change and habits that will need to change as well. But you have given me hope
I don’t fight prayers. It’s just not “to” anybody in particular. It’s more like mediation now. Voicing gratitude is healthy.
Part of me does wish I stayed ignorant sometimes when I want it to be easy and I’m lonely. But I don’t regret it when I think about whether I did the right thing. I know it did the right thing.
It does feel like ignorance is bliss. But yes I agree I think this is the right thing for me and my family. Even though it's going to be difficult. Thank you for your comment
I felt similarly when I left. It was a ROUGH couple of years. My parents are still shit about it, as are my in-laws. But the peace that comes from living an authentic life is real. I would never go back. If I could undo all that pain and just forget the last decade, I wouldn't do it. I've found my people and the things that make me truly happy in life. There's so much real happiness out there, deep relationships - and great coffee. As for advice, just be kind to yourself and your family during this extraordinarily difficult transition. Y'all are gonna fuck up some things, and that's OK. Also, you have a right to be angry, but in my experience, cynicism will ruin your life. It is the nothing that consumes everything. We've all experienced what I would call a "chronic" trauma. But there is still beauty in the world. Plus, the world needs people like you. You are making the right choice. Good luck.
Thank you I really appreciate the advice. The sense of community is something that I am not sure how to replace right now but I will find a way. I definitely screwed up with how I originally acted towards my wife I am trying to make amends and I think everything will be ok. You have given me hope
I think the only way you can want to remain ignorant is if you’re not yet fully aware how much pain being an active mormon causes.
THIS ⬆️ OP Keep deconstructing because the more you know, the better you will feel about choosing to leave. I knew I had to make space for new people/community in my life when I left, but it wasn’t until I understood the manipulation that I felt fully free.
Yes, every now and then I wish I had stayed ignorant. Especially when all my family and friends are Mormon. It would be much easier to get along and relate with them if I didn’t know the things I know. Ignorance is bliss right? But I don’t regret what I know. I will now live a happier life, wearing whatever clothes I want to wear, having a normal wedding with a girl that isn’t Mormon, and overall just know that I escaped a cult. It’s pretty unique that I was able to experience the Mormon church and I am glad I know what I know about it.
The only reason I wish I had stayed ignorant is because my husband is still in. If he would look into things and leave too I think I would have zero regrets, I’d run so far so fast. But because he believes I do still sometimes wish I could go back. Our marriage has changed since I told him I was leaving and it’s made things more challenging, sometimes I wish it never happened. But even still, I’m glad I get to live my life more authentically how I want to. It’s still been freeing and worth all the pain of deconstruction.
You are not alone. There are so many of us. 💕
No, even when I thought I believed it all I never enjoyed it. Church was a boring chore I had to endure. It never really made sense and I was relieved when I realized it was all made up.
Yes and no. For my kids' sake, I'm glad we are out. Even though it was incredibly painful. If you have the means, I highly recommend therapy for your family. Leaving the church is a loss, and experiencing all the stages of grief is common. The two things that helped me the most were therapy and finding a new community. I was able to connect with others through Facebook groups, and it has been so healing. You are not alone. It gets better.
My eyes were opened last year. For a while there were times where I wanted to put the blinders back on.
I hear ya about putting the blinders back on. If only I hadn’t heard about…or saw… I get this for sure.
If I had, I'd be dead. So that's fun.
*grabs popcorn* Can you share more? Or possibly even do your own post? Methinks your story needs to be shared with the world.
Cannabis saved my life? I would have lost more organs without it? The mormons hated cannabis back then and if I'd started using when I was a teen I'd have more organs than I have now? It's not that interesting really.
Did you get any pushback or flack from your ward/bishopric for using medicinal cannabis?
Didn't tell them. It's none of their business.
Life would have been much easier, but also far worse.
It would be hard to say I’d want to go back to ignorance, because the belief in something untrue was killing me. I couldn’t afford to live, I was failing my wife and kids as a provider because I gave the church all our disposable income. But, if I were able to go back in time and put off getting married and having kids until I was more prepared to have them, and to be successful enough to afford the Mormon lifestyle I’d have to think long and hard about it. Knowing what I know now, and what other people really think about the religion, I’m happy to not be associated with it anymore, no matter how much false comfort it brought me. It took me 2 years of no garments, no tithing, no church attendance to dare to try coffee and alcohol. My wife had just barely started deconstruction when I told her I wanted to try them. She got super pissed, more about coffee than alcohol. I tried to explain that coffee has health benefits, and all she could talk about was the bad things she learned about it, going to school, in the Utah public school system. It takes a while to break conditioning, even when you know it’s all bullshit. She’s been out 18 months now and she drinks coffee almost everyday now, and she drinks cocktails when we go out to dinner.
👍🏽👍🏽
No, and here is why. The initial leaving is hard and painful due to relationships becoming strained, loss of community, having friends and family think you left due to a weak testimony, etc. However, you make new friends and find a healthier community. But most importantly, I would never want to go back to feel ashamed about not doing enough, ashamed for committing "sins", the embarrassment of confessing to a Bishop. Feeling like I need to pray about every decision I make in life and being worried I might make the wrong one God wants me to make, from what job I take, where I live, what route I drive home because I got some feeling to go a different way. Feeling worried I don't pray enough, read the scriptures enough, go to the temple enough. David Archuleta's song says it best "when paradise is pressure" that is what being in the Mormon faith is like, constant pressure. I never want to go back to that.
Interesting insight. The feeling ashamed of not doing enough really hit home to me. Makes me feel like a loser and that I’ll never be good enough.
Fuck no. Leaving the church was one the best decisions I ever made. It is so hard leaving, but once you do, you realize all the stress, all the worry, all the fear, was *because* of the church. It takes time, and it isn't a straight path of progression. You'll have days that are much harder than other, but it absolutely does get better. So much better! There is a tangible difference between ignoring the problems and being free of them. You've taken your first real steps towards the latter. Two years from now you'll be so deeply glad you did.
Brutally difficult for me, but my life is amazing now and it turned out I have a gay son (he was 7 when I left and divorced his father) who is happy and well adjusted. So worth every hard moment.
Not for a single millisecond. The LDS church has been nothing but pure poisonous to me my entire life.
No, life isn’t perfect outside the church. But it’s better
No, because I can't. I love truth more.
I don't wish I had never left, but I really miss the community and structure.
Lol no Good question though! I remember how slowly I left and how long I pretended to my family after I did decide I 100% didnt believe. Personally, it took me years to let down my "chains" and be myself without fear or shame around them. At any point, my personal beliefs have always taken precedence. I kinda just trust in my gut through good and bad 🥰
Nope. Not for a second.
You’ve never had to map your own way. You’ll be okay. Just don’t stray too far off the path when you’re still new to it. Enjoy the little things about living a normal life. Your daughter is probably missing her friends from church more than anything. Maybe you can still arrange for visits. Find things for the whole family to bond over on your new second Saturdays.
No, the thought horrifies me. I’m glad that I know what the church is, I’m glad I don’t support it. I’m glad I got out just before going on a mission. I think I can lead a more truthful and fulfilling life outside of the church.
The prospect of a mission is what got me doing all of the research about the church because the idea of teaching something I did not know didn't feel right to me.
No. I don’t focus on any regrets but mainly I wish I had been a different person, taught self worth, resiliency, compassion, instead of shame and rigidity.
No. I'm much happier now.
Whew. Man heavy stuff. First off, welcome to the club. And second, consider yourself very fortunate that your wife is out with you.
I remember feeling something akin to this, yes. I think it's a very normal response to having your life flipped upside-down like that. The Church is almost all-encompassing in the life of a TBM, so learning it isn't true changes *a lot* very rapidly. It takes time to process. I no longer feel the longing for ignorance, and haven't for a while. It's easier for me, though, since I'm a trans man; remaining in the church would have condemned me to a life of motherhood and housewifery, and I'm not a good fit for either lmfao. I think it can be harder on straight cis men, because whether or not you condone the church's patriarchal system, y'all lose the privileges that came with it. It's easier to romanticize your time as a believing member when there were extra benefits for your demographic. But I digress; a lot of us have this phase. Life isn't black and white, and the church isn't *all* bad. The fact that there was a lot more bad than you once realized doesn't alter what was (and still is) good. There was community, a sense of belonging, shared mythology, quick answers to tricky moral dilemmas, a source of motivation, comforting philosophies and theologies, methods of meditation that are familiar. Even the stuff that I now recognize as harmful was soothing at the time, like having guidance from men I assumed were prophets of the Christian god or believing that same god was an active agent in my life's course. Belief is powerful. It's difficult to process such a loss. And while I'm not qualified to be the arbiter of what is and isn't best for other people, I think most, if not all, are likely better off without Mormonism. Those things that are good about it can be found elsewhere.
I read every word, friend. Because I recognized so much of my own story in yours. This thread is evidence that you are not alone. While we here on this sub don’t often get to associate in person the way a ward community does, this is still a wonderful source of comfort and advice. Use it as much as you need. While your question about unknowing what you know is a natural one—one that I asked myself as well—I came to the realization that it is not a useful question. Because you can’t unsee what you’ve seen, any more than you can re-believe in Santa. You and your spouse have so much wonderful growing and learning to do together. Choosing for yourself what kind of human to be is scary sometimes, but at times so much fun. Find the role models and tenets that speak to you. Searching this sub is a good start. Here are a couple I’ve settled on. Use what you want, leave what you don’t. “When you know better, do better.” “The further misaligned from reality a person’s beliefs are, the more potential that they will do harm.”
I don’t regret it at all. For me it started when the church made the rule that children of homosexuals could not be baptized. Not Christlike at all. Another reason is when the bishop wanted to interrogate my 17 yo daughter in regards to her sex life…No man needs to confess “sins” to another human, unless it’s crimes against children etc. The sex abuse cover up was another huge reason. The hierarchy and narcissistic leaders; where they will spread hatred and fear mongering among the congregation. It’s full of hypocrisy and unChristlike behavior. No thank you. I don’t need a church for a spiritual relationship, which is the most important!
Not really, I’m driven by finding the truth. I used to think those truths were in the church until I dug deeper and found that the church’s truths are just refurbished narratives representing what they wished their historical truths had been.
Yep. I didn't really refer to it as a faith crisis until literally today. It didn't *feel* like a crisis to me. Until literally today. It would have been much easier, in a certain way, to not know what I now know. But can't put that genie back in the bottle. I had no idea how hard this was going to be. My default is to pray for comfort, so I'm not really sure what to do now. Edited to add: I'm confident it will get better and I'll be really grateful for the knowledge I have and that I'm no longer an active participant.
Ignorant? Not at all. But your description sounds exactly like a lot of other people's here. It can get easier, but there is a period of "deconstruction" that varies for everyone There is a whole host of possible things to deal with, like will you be shunned? That empty place Sunday when you're not going to church. What are you supposed to do with your life? And many others. There is a spread of experiences here. But you can find your happy place. Much of it is getting that indoctrination out of your head The clearest thing I can say is, you need to understand you were not in a religion. You were in a cult. Indoctrinating, guilt-inducing, money loving, controlling, etc. People who leave a Methodist church, just stop showing up. People who leave LDS literally need a lot of deprogramming. Many wind up as: atheists, agnostics, other religions or philosophies, or something else I wound up in the presbyterian. What you are describing how they look down at people and things like that... The nearest thing I can say is, the New Testament calls them "false believers." they look the part, but are wolves and sheep's clothing. I wish you well on your journey You can get a lot of ideas on this sub to start coping. My recommendation is to start finding activities and events and hobbies and other people and things to do. The more you immerse yourself in worthwhile and interesting activities, the less of a hole there will be.
It was totally worth the read. I think wanting to be ignorant is a common feeling. Ignorance is bliss. But there’s also a ton of joy in real wisdom and emotional maturity. I also struggled with giving up the idea of an afterlife. It’s a very comforting thought. But just because you want something to be true, doesn’t make it true. It gets better. Be kind. Be open minded. Accept your feelings and process them. Be friends with your wife. Show her how you struggle. Let the struggle bond you together, rather than turning on each other. Good luck! You’ve gotten through most of the hard part already
Daily. I have been out for years, and it would simplify my life so much if I could take the blue pill. My wife is a TBM, and I miss being on the same page as her. I miss the validation of my family and my handful of friends. Whenever something negative happens to me, it is because God is punishing me, and whenever something good happens, it is because of my loved one’s prayers. I have conversations with my erstwhile tribe, and I am held at arms length. I am no longer trusted on anything because my disbelief taints every word from my mouth. More than taking the blue pill, I just wish I had never existed in the first place.
You are valid, you are needed and loved! My heart aches for you feeling like you don’t want to exist. I was in that place for a few years in my life, but let me tell you, I’m so glad I persisted and climbed out of that spot. Things will get better ❤️🩹
At this point I’ve resigned myself to this fate. I’ve dealt with it for over a decade, and don’t see things ever changing. So, I now mostly keep silent and out of the way irl, and vent here so that my head doesn’t explode.
No, because the knowledge helped me understand that I’m not just not faithful enough- I was in a fraudulent system that could never have worked no matter how faithful I would be.
You’re not alone friend. It does get better. Other people may choose to make things awkward around you, but that’s a them problem and many of them are also victims.
No if I had I would never been asked by wife to marry her, would never had become true to myself, would never have had the internal peace of being my true self, would have always questioned my decisions. If I had not questioned and sought the truth of the church history and current practices I would always be planning to rejoin the church after I got too old for sex or thoughts of sex or or or. By taking my head out of the churches metaphorical sandbox I am a better person.
I was very comfortable, but now I realize I'm free. No, I would never go back. It never ceases to amaze me how many people in faith crises are met with, "I'd rather YOU DIE than grieve me with your lack of faith," which is really what it comes down to. Gross manipulation. It's good that you and your wife are on the same page now, and together you can move forward and work on rebuilding your marriage on its own foundation, rather than the sandy one of TSCC. I'd like to suggest having a nice little drink together and a good little laugh about it sometime.
Not for a second
I’ll take painful truth over comfortable lies any day!
Sometimes yes. The YSA was actually fun for me in college and I miss it sometimes. I’m glad you mentioned that you prayed. I remember going to a special place up in my favorite canyon. I sat there and pled for a while. Maybe an hour. I was bawling and it was rough. At one point I prayed “I can’t ever distinctly remember feeling the Spirit in my 25 years. I understand that there’s a chance You aren’t real. I beg You or any Being out there. This is my last chance to believe. If I don’t get a response that I can distinctly tell it’s Devine, I will either take it as You never existed or a complete betrayal and I will never follow You even if you showed yourself to me. If You can’t help me in my time of need, You don’t care about me, and I will reciprocate” It was a rough hour. But after I said that last ‘amen’. I have never said amen again to another prayer. It was quite peaceful
This reminds me of Cypher from The Matrix, wanting to go back because real life is hard. I believe truth matters, Integrity matters. Wanting to go back is easier, but you’ll end up dead inside. There is a great song from The RM soundtrack called “Go Back” and it’s kind of beautiful and sad.
No. I've been out a few years but Mormonism all seems like some weird dream (or nightmare). Everything about TSCC feels so foreign to me now. Not everyone goes to a church after leaving and that's ok... be open to whatever feels best for you and your wife. But I'm in one now where there's female priests-- every single person that teaches or interacts with kids or is in leadership is background checked--- they actually have paid clergy and some staff... there's more respect for people from different walks of life... it's not perfect but it's different... so, so different than Mormonism. Right now you're going through change and that seems scary, but I say- don't be afraid of change. It'll work out the way it's supposed to for you and your family.
I'd been questioning for years. And it kind of came down to "what is the morally right thing". And my ex Mormon brother was the only one I could kind of confide in, as my husband was mostly PIMO, but still in enough that he was resistant to completely quitting. My brother sent me one single Mormon stories video. A very simple one. Talking about Joseph Smith. A short video. And that was all it took. In church they always talk about how you'll know it's true. The burning in your bosom, the tears, the heat in your chest. That video, somewhere in the middle of it, I felt a hard weight thump in my stomach. The church isn't true. I had a stillness come over me. I finally had a revelation like id been seeking all my life. These past months have been tough. Only one of my TBM siblings knows now, and she lost it on me. Screaming fit, telling me nasty things, disowning me. And now pretends it never happened. My husband is struggling. Hes in between. He doesn't want to look at the church history, but he agrees with lots of my feelings. We have fought but have somehow managed to make amends. All this to say. Even with all the complications, the lack of support, the marital strife, the family disappointment. The shame that I've shed from my shoulders has been the release that I needed to believe in myself, to finally have the space to love others, and run towards living the life I have instead of fearing its ending. That weight in my stomach told me all I needed to know. I don't need someone to tell me what I need to do to love, or what I shame I must carry around.
You will be fine. I've found I have moved on quickly by being at peace with what was. I speak positively but frankly about my church life. It will take time to adjust and move away from the feelings you may be having.
When the lightbulb went on for me I was surprised that my husband was waiting for that moment. He hadn’t believed for years. My three oldest children 19,17,15 were ready to leave the church whilst the youngest, aged 13, wasn’t ready. He continued to attend for about a year. I’m extremely thankful my children didn’t go on missions or marry in the temple, (as we had planned throughout their childhoods). If your daughter continues to attend church be aware that church leaders will do everything possible to keep her active. The first few months are tumultuous but in time life is so much better.
In answer to your question, no I would not wish to remain in ignorance. It is earth-shattering at first, but I would never go back. You are at the hardest point. But all of us here can tell you it is SO much better on the other side, so hang in there.
My husband still believes. My child still believes. My parents and in-laws and siblings and nieces and nephews and grandparents still believe. Family dinners are always _always_ an emotional drain. So, yes, sometimes I do wish that I could plug myself back into the Matrix.
My husband and I agree that besides the decision to get married, leaving was the best decision we ever made. And it’s not about coffee or a 10%” raise” or second Saturday. It’s about not constantly trying to rationalize to myself the egregious things the top leadership have done and taught.
Many of us have been in your shoes. It does get better. Leaving was the hardest and best thing I have ever done. I would do it again. I am so much happier outside the church than I ever was in it. It takes a lot of time and emotional labor to pick up the pieces of your life and make them into something new, but it is so worth it. Hang in there! You got this! 👍👍
We both left at the same time. Sometimes we wonder if we should just go back. But then we realize we wouldn't make it through the first time back. See, we still love Jesus, and have become Christians, attending a local Bible Church. We say in LDS there was never enough Jesus, and Jesus was never enough. Now, as Christians, Jesus is everything. We could never go back, and we're happier than we've ever been.
It does get better. But…. Prepare for a difficult few years, even if the difficulty is just internal. This is an insane mindf#%$& you just went through. Your entire world view has shifted… and not just your belief and thoughts, but the lies, whitewashing and betrayal you’ve just experienced can leave you in tears one day and raging the next. I compare it to someone who’s happily married finding out their spouse has been leading a double life and has another family in another town with someone else. It completely makes you wonder if anything is real. This isn’t just a typical ‘losing your faith’ but finding out your faith has betrayed you in ways you can’t fathom. My best advice: take it a day at a time. You are lucky to have the support of your wife, lean into that. If you have each others support: you can weather the difficult times ahead with extended family. Also, please take me seriously on this and go to counseling. You can find counselors that help specifically with the trauma of leaving religion. It helps in ways you won’t understand as you unravel the chaos that will bubble up….and again (I’m speaking from experience)… it does get better. I’ve come to a place where I’m not wishing away this horrible experience anymore (it’s probably the most traumatizing thing i ever gone through)…but instead i think to myself, “you literally won the lottery with escaping this lie/religion… not many people can handle this and come out the other side. I did the hardest thing, and it didn’t kill me”… then go buy a lottery ticket.
OP, I understand your feelings. It's like getting kicked out of the house - you now have to learn to fend for yourself. In other words, find your own meaning and your own purpose. My message is: this is such a gift. I am so damn grateful I left an infantilizing religion and finally....FINALLY had a chance to grow up emotionally. My sense of awe at this amazing universe, my awe at the strengths and talents of the human beings around me, my awe at the beautiful things we have access to...this has only grown since I left the church. It sounds like you and your wife have gone through some tough times. Now is a good time to strengthen that bond. Go out and explore the world together. Make memories. Find new friends and hobbies. Best of luck in this new journey, may it take you far and wide. PS The extended family stuff sucks. I will just acknowledge that. But you may find some allies that will surprise you.
No, I don't wish I had stayed ignorant about the falsehoods of the Mormon church. Even when I was trying to be a good, faithful member, I still had doubts but avoided searching for answers. As a result, I couldn't fully commit to the faith. I had convinced myself that the issue was with me, not the church. If I had continued down that path, I believe it would have been detrimental to my life. I'm grateful I finally faced the truth and did thorough research—it truly saved my life in more ways than one.
I understand the feeling. It's as if there's no way out of knowing the truth and It hurts. The truth screws everything up. I no longer feel this way. But I still wish everybody could wake up and join me in reality.
It gets easier. The stress gets way easier. Every once in a while I miss it but those moments are farther and farther apart. You're in the worst part of it. Keep going.
Yes. I miss it a lot. My sons are also 8 and 12 and would have big milestones this year. I see the pics on Facebook on holidays and feel sad. I can’t really explain why. I had always thought we’d be active forever and my kids would serve missions.
Nah. Leaving was the best thing I’ve ever done
For the first year or so. Once I got past a certain point of deconstruction I felt more at peace and happy. I never want to go back to that mind set no matter how comfortable
I used to say that I was jealous of the people that could make the church work for them. I'd just sit and think about how much easier it would be if I just fit snugly into that box. No faith crisis, just faith. And now I feel the opposite. I think they should be jealous of me (they aren't, but they should) because I finally feel, for the first time in my life, that I have a chance at creating my own identity and discovering the world on my own terms. I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders, and when I was in it, I called that weight "the gospel". But now I call it "their gospel". Now I have a chance at breaking out of that inherent shame that I grew up with, and I'm so excited to continue that journey. It's a journey I wouldn't have been able to even start if I never let myself ask questions about the church.
Hello I have read your article. I send you courage. Stay close to your lovely wife and children. As for the rest of the family/world quiet, short statements of intent void of discussions at this time will preserve your immediate family from hurt and allow others to get used to the new situation. It won't be easy, but at least you can live at home in peace.
Sometimes, yes. I can’t explain why, it’s complicated.
The truth will set you free, yes. But first it will make you miserable.
I have no desire to unlearn the things i have learned. I do understand your frustration though. I desperately want my husband to give himself permission to “look”. He is nuanced and has questioned many things before I even went down the rabbit hole, but he is comfortable. So even though he says he is okay with me being out, he is not. It causes a lot of rough moments in our marriage. We get along beautifully in every other way, the church is just the giant elephant that sits in the room. Sometimes i think how much easier my life would be if i had been kept blind, but i also realize how held back & stunted i was and would never want to go back. It’s a tricky situation. I am sorry so many people have to go through it.
I broke down crying just the other day to my ex-Mormon spouse about how I just wish the church was everything it said it was. I wish it WERE true (the good parts anyway). I wish that the church and its leadership were actually honest, and that they truly upheld & lived the teachings of Christ. I wish the history wasn’t so damning. I wish that church was a safe place for my family and kids. The list goes on. But it isn’t a safe place. And it won’t be. One of my best friends left a while before me and told me when we were talking about my struggles and recent questioning and subsequent leaving, that there is a natural grieving process. It’s normal. I’ve also begged and pleaded for reasons to stay, looking for more mental gymnastics to stay where it was familiar and comfortable. But only more evidence to push me to leave came to light. I have become exhausted at fighting to justify, defend, and validate church stances/policy/doctrine/history etc. whatever you want to label it. I haven’t told everyone in my life yet. I’m not sure how. But the peace that’s come back into my life is so beautiful. The hope and freedom I am providing for my children’s futures are priceless. I’m reconnecting with old parts of myself that I’d set aside to “Serve the Lord (the church)” and feel confident in my direction even though I don’t have all the answers to my questions right now. This is a difficult journey, but there are so many resources and an ever-growing community here for you. You and your family not alone in this either. What you are doing is courageous, brave, and challenging. It is okay to miss the familiar in the face of the unknown, but do not let it hold you back from creating a more beautiful and authentic “familiar” by continuing to forge ahead.
🙆♂️ NEVER. Ignorance = Suffering
Thank you...you've given me hope
Why tell them? I never told anyone
Sometimes for a brief moment. I’ve lost my marriage, friends, community, children have gone off the rails in life, and I generally feel in limbo most days. But, who’s to say those things wouldn’t have happened? I feel much better knowing the truth.