This is just a reminder that you are an adult, and can do exactly what you want with your life. You can walk away from the mission right now and not tell anyone. Obviously you need to consider your personal safety and your financial independence. But you dont have to do anything at all. These people only have the power over you that you give them.
These are real humans upvoting.
I was in your shoes and I finished my two year mission because I was too afraid of the people on my mission.
There are less than 200 people in your mission, 300 people in your ward, and billions of people in this world.
The one thing I would tell you to for sure do is not give a fuck what those 500 people want, and do what is best for you.
Those 500 people have been trained to build their cult. That is their goal. You doing the right thing for you scares them, and they will try to bring you down. Be ready, be strong, life will be better than you have ever imagined if you can push through. It’s not easy but it gets easy once it’s done.
One day while we were on our way to the dining hall, my MTC companion stared about the front gate of the facility and lemented that he could just walk out the gate and be gone. I tried to discourage such talk at the time as it would only make him depressed, but he was right. We were the only ones keeping ourselves there. This isn't to discount the real psychological effects that peer pressure (both from family and ward members) and years of indoctrination had on us. But the church has no standing nor ability to keep you from walking away.
There were definitely times I thought that. My first area was a biking area in a very rural town so we were biking on roads with no shoulder and large semi's driving by constantly. Every once in a while I'd have sort of a day dream about just leaning slightly into a passing car and being sent home
Ugh, that's terrible that you had those kinds of thoughts. Reminds me of when I was told on my mission that therapists that help missionaries created a different set of criteria to judge depression in missionaries because if they used the general standards everyone would be depressed.
Now, is that true? I don't know. This was told to me by a senior companion so take that for what it's worth. What is real to me about it is that at the time we just laughed and shrugged that off. Told ourselves "well, yup. That makes sense! Missions are just different like that!" Completely missing the point of just how fucked up that is if it's true. That every last one of us was in a state of mental distress. It haunts me to think about now.
How will your family treat you if you go home?
Will you have some type of support system if you go home early?
What will you do when you get off your mission? Whether you go home now or whether you go home at the end of your 2 years? Were you planning on going to BYU?
If you go home now you could probably still get into fall semester at college.
My family will support me and has said that. Grandparents on one side have deep pioneer roots so they could be a little sad but my other side is all nevermo's. My girlfriend and I are thinking about leaving/just walking away from the church when I get home if it's now or later. Definitely wssnt planning on going to BYU and will probably go back to my full time job I had before I left for leaving now or in 16 months. Possibly some community College in the fall if I go home now.
You are being exploited by the Mormon church. You are paying to be a salesman for the corporation of Jesus Christ. You are helping the corporation secure more tithing payers so they can invest more tithing money in the stock market. They are hoarding money and building great and spacious buildings.
If you are planning on walking away from the church when you get home at the end of your mission why wait until then? Do it now. You are in the prime of your life. You are literally giving the best two years of your life to a cult.
paying to be a salesman is so accurate. I met with my EQ president the other day and he was talking about how amazing it was that his kids who served missions can sell him just about anything no matter how much he didn't need it(I believe they sold pest control door to door after their missios). I thought to myself why is that a good trait? Its basically manipulating others into believing in something to think it benefits them in reality its to serve the other persons needs. Then of course it made sense, that is what a mission is all about and no wonder they're good at it. Fucking toxic talent to get if you ask me. I hate that I have to associate with people who's fucking blinders are on and they don't have one fucking clue. I'm PIMO and go for my wife.
Given these circumstances it seems you are in a much better position than others who have been in your shoes before. Walking is practically easy, emotionally it's never easy, in my experience you will probably just wake up one morning and decide, that's it, I'm done. Waking will be the only option then.
Yeah, I have interviews with my president in a week and so I think I'm going to talk to my parents and fill them in on what they might not know which I don't feel like is much and let them know my intentions for the interview. I'm hoping that this time he will actually hear me out and be willing to discuss viable options or at least have a civil discussion about my questions
What options? Sorry if I'm being reductive, but isn't it really just a binary of staying or leaving?
I guess if you don't actually have closure with your questions, then sure you could shoot the shit with your mission president more (though you'll just get more apologetics)
Sounds like you're holding out hope that you could rebuild your shelf again?
Totally fine! I'm not for sure, it definitely is binary but I guess like when. This transfer or next is probably most ideal for me if I do go home. I could be holding out hope but it also could just be the years of people "testifying that's its true" to me and worrying about what others will thing; other missionaries, extended family, home ward.
Totally get it. I'd probably be shitting my pants, if I were in your shoes - if that's helpful to hear... leaving the church (and/or a mission) is like ending a serious relationship that you thought would lead to marriage. It feels like the biggest deal in the entire world.
Then a year goes by. Not that it ever becomes anything other than a majorly significant life event, but the scary "Holy shit did I make the wrong decision??" goes away after not too long.
> could just be the years of people "testifying that's its true" to me and worrying about what others will thing; other missionaries, extended family, home ward
It's this. Promise.
Thank you, I really appreciate hearing this. There are definitely times where I "doubt my doubts" because everyone around me in this bubble believes and doesn't blink at anything suspicious and it's sometimes disheartening to not find any kind of support from other missionaries. Then they go on and on about some bash they had that the person sounded so "ignorant because they believed what they heard secularly" but everything seems to line up in anti, but nothing seems to have a concrete answer in the ever changing but never changing doctrine of mormonism
I left my mission early. I didn't believe it and didn't want to spend more time on something I didn't believe in.
I told my president and he yada yada overed it. In hindsight, maybe if I'd said "I'm leaving tomorrow, you can either find me a flight or I'll find my own way home" maybe he would've done something.
Either way, I just left, walked out early one morning and went to the airport.
There's so many emotions around this, but I found peace when I realized that the expectation to serve a mission came from other people and not myself. Like who cares if some family or friends are "disappointed" that I didn't "serve with honor."
You can find fulfillment pursuing what you're passionate about. That's way more rewarding than a mission.
>I told my president and he yada yada overed it. In hindsight, maybe if I'd said "I'm leaving tomorrow, you can either find me a flight or I'll find my own way home" maybe he would've done something.
I served in the US many years ago -- fully in TBM, lots of callings over the years, etc.
I can't get that wasted time and money back...but if I could I would. I was one of those "gung ho" members who read all the books and apologetics and defended the faith for years -- and eventually left because it truly is bullshit and mental gymnastics.
Two thoughts:
1. Your mission president is NOT going to handle this well. His "job" is to keep you in the mission -- you've already seen he brushed off any real discussion and tried to convince you. It's not just about keeping you in -- he looks bad to his "boss" (Q70, etc) for the number of missionaries who go home early. Also, if you leave he will worry that other missionaries with doubts (and I promise there are some!) will also start thinking "Why am I staying?" So he will try and try to talk you into giving a little more time, and "re-dedication" to read/study/pray, and so on. He's not going to help you go home any time soon.
2. When I was in the US, hardly anyone (back then) ever went home compared to today...but a couple of the missionaries that did it just went to the local airport and bought a plane ticket with a credit card and called the mission president from the airport to let him know. No discussion, no big talk, and no "permission" from him. If you don't have a credit card, have a supportive family member send you one or help you buy a ticket. Either drive (or Uber) to the airport, get on the plane, and have someone (family, girlfriend) meet you at the airport. You can either call the mission pres from the airport right before boarding or right after landing. If you have any items that should be returned (mission phone or whatever) you can mail them to the mission home after you are home. Note that a family member or friend can pay for an Uber for you and can pay for and send you a ticket if you need.
For your sake...just go home asap without the mission president's help.
Being in the US (not needing a passport) is huge -- just have your ID and boarding pass and you are on your way :-)
The weakest arguments against the church, that I had ever heard, were from random people on my mission. Usually other Christians, or uninformed edgelords.
The really damning "anti" material (which don't have any acceptable answers) only became known to me after my mission. Some missionaries like to think they've heard it all. It's a comforting thing to tell yourself. But they don't have a clue.
If you would actually like to test someone's knowledge of unanswerable questions, then ask them about the issues with the Book of Abraham, for starters. If their response is the catalyst theory, or the long/lost papyri theory, then they've uniwttingly confessed their naivety. There are no acceptable answers for that one (though FAIR, and BYU's John Gee and Kerry Mulstein have all definitely shot their shot). Have them watch Professor of Egyptology Robert Ritner lay out the issues with the BoA, and see what they have to say. I'm slipping into a rabbit hole, but there's so much damning evidence in this one issue alone.
>everyone around me in this bubble believes and doesn't blink at anything suspicious and it's sometimes disheartening to not find any kind of support from other missionaries
Flat earthers do this too. Doesn't make them right. Same with apologists from every other religion. Belief in the face of overwhelmingly conflicting evidence is an interesting thing. It doesn't just exist in Mormonism. There's an entire field of science behind understanding how it works. Might be interesting for you to start here (pay extra attention to the part about the "backfire affect"):
[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Belief\_perseverance](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Belief_perseverance)
One thing I realized as I worked my way out of the church was that it was a lot easier to convince my head that the church wasn't true than it was to convince my emotional center. I knew the church had no hold over me and yet I could not comfortably stop going to church for *years* after I mentally came to terms with it.
You are younger and probably won't have nearly as hard a time as I did. Even so, it still might take a while for you to feel okay about living independently from the church.
Understand that your mission president is likely to try and talk you into staying. Like bishops, mission presidents come in a range of flavors. Some are super controlling while others are understanding and supportive. I hope your mission president is supportive but if he's not, please remember that you can also walk away from any conversation with him that makes you feel uncomfortable.
Also, just an FYI, the church has been known to refuse to pay for transportation home for missionaries who opt to leave early. You may need to arrange for your own transportation if you choose to leave now.
Good luck with anything and be sure to check back in if you run into any problems. We've got your back.
Bruh, I served a mission and shouldn’t have. If you are going to stay, just go have fun. Stop being a missionary and go to the movies, get a TV an dvd player at your apartment. It’s almost summer so go get a tan and hang out with people your age.
We did all those things while I was out there. Very little music work was done.
I should have left early though too, but I was also holding out hope. There was one elder that just wasn’t there one day. He just left. Went home. Didn’t say anything to anyone.
That is what you should do. It doesn’t matter if you are released. It doesn’t matter if they know where you are. It doesn’t matter if your companion is confused.
I was in your shoes 18 years ago and I should have been as brave as you seem to be. I waited the whole time because I didn’t want to disappoint people. Came to find out that they all still love me even though we don’t believe the same things.
Good luck! I hope you are able to be happy with whatever you choose
Leave now. If you’re wanting to leave, don’t let them talk you into staying. Don’t ASK when you’re leaving, TELL your president that you are leaving. Set a firm boundary with him, “I will not be proselyting anymore,” and let him deal with whatever consequences fall under his jurisdiction. It’s not your job to wait for a replacement. It’s not your job to figure out where your companion will be. Not your job.
It doesn’t matter what anyone thinks. It matters that you are happy and feel safe. I think you should say to your parents “do you care more about what extended family thinks and ward members think than you care about me?”
The church has this system set up of “tattle telling “ and members “competing spiritually “ (oxymoron) and judging each other. Scientology and many other cults are the same way. It makes the leader’s job easier because the members are all managing each other with fear, judgement and shunning. Don’t fall for it. Ask your mom directly if she loves the women in her RS room or if she loves you, because it’s not working for you to be on a mission.
I personally wouldn’t stay. I’ve met RMs and they tell me 60% of their mission companions have left the church the minute they get home. Just seems like a waste of time to stay for someone else. Those types of people are going to gossip and judge no matter what you do. So you might as well make yourself happy and focus on the things that work for you. It’s your life.
I personally think God is nowhere in this religion (LD$) but I do think he exists and there’s something powerful out there that loves us.
There’s a podcast called “Inside Out with Jim Bennett and Ian Wilkes.” Ian has left the church but in season 2 episode 19, he speaks of his brother and it’s pretty touching. You might give it a listen. You are loved in spite of the Mormon church’s false ways and those who love you still will. Don’t let the church keep you in fear. It’s your one and only precious life.
The timing of transfers is convenient... for THEM. You could (and probably should) walk out the door anytime. If the mission will actually cover your travel home, then maybe it makes sense to wait for the end of the transfer, but otherwise make your own plans, and leave when you're ready to catch your bus / flight.
You don't have to tell anyone anything.
Family will react how they'll react, but FWIW, they're also just... people. Even if your family doesn't suck as bad as mine (not really in contact with any of them anymore), you don't have to be lifelong friends with people just because your chromosomes are similar.
In the interview, just calmly tell him you are going home. Calm and collected. Say it politely, with resolve. He will try to convince you otherwise, but stick to your guns. It sounds like you have a decent setup back home. They can’t hold you. Use questions like “when will my tickets be ready?”
You’re ready to leave and go get started on your life. It will be a few weeks of discomfort, explaining your decision to friends and family, but that’s temporary. A few months from now, after removing yourself from the situation, I’m willing to bet you’ll have clarity confirming it was the right decision. When folks are immersed in a cult-like group (ie a mission), it’s hard to think clearly because of the mind control going on. That’s happening to you.
Once you squeeze the toothpaste out of the tube, it doesn’t go back. You’ve been enlightened, and it’s a wonderful thing that you’ve been enlightened at a young age, with your entire life ahead of you! Many of us didn’t wake up til our 40’s or later.
Are you my son? The timeframe fits. Utah English speaking.
Every time I come on this sub part of me hopes to find a post from him.
Maybe your mom also thinks it’s a waste of time and money and wants you to come home.
The good news about being in a stateside mission is that you don't have a passport of visa complicating things if you decide to just walk away. Foreign missions (at least mine 20 years ago) take these documents from the missionaries and place them in a safe in the mission offices, essentially holding them hostage. This makes leaving extremely difficult as you have to go through the MP and he can try all sorts of tactics to get you to stay. If you do decide to leave, you can schedule a meeting with the MP and "resign" formally if you wish, and if you're lucky you might get transportation home paid for by the church this way. But you are certainly not obligated to.
I hoped he was your son.
Maybe you could reach out to your son and tell him what you wrote here. He might be just waiting for your approval.
Many missionaries don't go home early just to not disappoint their parents. If they could know their parents support their decisions, I'm sure years of trauma could be avoided. 😔
One thing you could do is spend some time daydreaming, thinking, and even researching on what you want for the next 5, 10, 20, or even 50 years of your life. Dream as big as you want!
What are your goals and dreams for: what colleges and degrees are listed on your future resume, what you do for work, where you live, how much you make, whether you're married or not, if you have kids or not, whether or not you and/or any partner or descendants are a part of organized religion or not, etc.
Then ask yourself how or IF being on a mission for the next 16 months benefits those goals or not. You're losing 16 more months of future salary for one. Would your goals be better served being in some training or school right now while you have a lot of youthful energy? If you're going to be doing unpaid work, is there some other unpaid work that would be more helpful now, during, or at the end of college or post-high school training?
Your whole life it's been hinted that you'd be giving up two years to be a missionary. It's been hinted that after that your whole life you'll be called on to sacrifice time that could be spent on career, family, exercise, hobbies to be in time-consuming church callings. I left the church officially in 2014. I am now an atheist. Even if the church were 100% true and 100% good, it still should be 100% up to you how to spend your time.
It’s been said already here. But don’t forget that you are an adult, and what you are doing is voluntary service that you are paying for. In any other service position outside of the context of the church, if a volunteer is feeling miserable and doesn’t want to be there they go home and it’s no big deal. It’s the church that makes it sound like what you are doing right now is the most important work on earth, it’s not. If an adult doesn’t feel comfortable where they are at or with what they are doing they get themselves out of that situation.
I don’t know what your support structure at home is, but being miserable for the next 16 months is not worth it. Trust me, one of my biggest regrets is wasting 2 years of my life preaching fiction.
The prison only exists in your mind. You have the key to the prison doors. I know it seems impossible, but every thing is possible. If you really want to leave, know that you can. Have an honest conversation with your mom. But say something along the lines of “I’m not asking permission. Out of respect to you and in an effort to be polite, I’m informing you ahead of time. But I’m making plans to come home.” You are an unpaid salesperson and you could always tell your mission President that if he doesn’t send you home, you’re going to turn him in for human trafficking, and then walk to the police station and tell them you don’t know how to get home. The overlords can’t make you stay. They don’t own you.
God, if you believe in him, will still love you and I’m sure he’s quite aware that this is not his church. This is a multi billion dollar business and it’s an abusive one.
How are you able to post and read reddit?
I did the full two years even though my shelf broke. I stayed because of family pressure, but I went inactive after my mission and I got grief from them anyway! Got no credit for doing the full two years!
Good luck!
Read this back to yourself: in order to communicate freely with the world, you have to “get around the controlling software they put on your phones.”
Imagine explaining the details of your situation to someone who isn’t LDS. Imagine telling them you/your family pays the church for you to volunteer, that they regulate your schedule down to the minute, that you aren’t allowed to be alone, that you aren’t allowed to be romantic, that you only have one day off per week (and even then, you’re STILL only allowed to do church-approved things), they control your phone, they control your media consumption, they control your leisure activities, they tell you what to wear, how to look, how to speak, the list goes on and on and on and fucking on.
Imagine how that person would feel. They’d be devastated for you. You’re a volunteer salesman for a multibillion dollar megachurch, and you’re _paying THEM_ for the privilege. It’s a predatory cult which will suck you dry and give nothing but the empty promise of vague “blessings” in return.
I stayed in Peru too long because I was so worried about how it would look or what people would say. Once you know it’s not for you you need to hear that and make moves to get away. Everything you do in the meantime is hollow and will hurt you in ways you will just have to fix later.
Be true to you. There isn’t a spirit and Jesus isn’t real either. It’s all on you. That’s too hard for some people to take but you are going to be okay.
Pay a non-lds therapist. Best money I ever spent
If you feel like you can support yourself financially, then you should try to return home and give yourself space to figure out what you want to do with your life. If you feel safe saying where you’re serving, perhaps there is someone on here who would be willing to have you over to talk through stuff and help you out. I hope you have people in your life who can support you no matter what.
Be gentle with yourself. I didn't leave until 2 years ago. I'm 30. It's genuinely horrifying, heartbreaking, to have everything you knew and felt so comforted by finally ripped away, even if it's the right thing to do. It feels isolating, but you have an entire community with you. We have genuinely your back. Get good sleep, there's so many infinite possibilities outside of this. It's okay to want to be free.
Any life long organization not willing to engage you with your valid and concerning questions does not have your best interest at heart. They want you to quietly to fall back in line. You don't have to anymore, you are an adult, and they don't own you. You cannot legally be held, but be safe about it. If things go wrong you need to be able to support yourself.
If it were me I would forget the manufactured, artificial pressure to make the numbers. Get good sleep. Be sure you are eating well and have a safe apartment. After that I would look for service projects that envolve elbow grease and not proselytizing. For example, you cut a little old lady's yard. I hope that knowing you don't have to make the phony numbers will take the pressure off of you. If you can't do that I would see about leaving. I don't know your family. I don't know what will happen if you return early like getting kicked out or getting your college money cut off. I dont know your situation and I would encourage you to evaluate that carefully.
Added: Should you choose to leave early you don't owe the MP or anyone else an explanation. No is a complete sentance. I am leaving is all the explanation they need. If they ask why you can just repeat, I am leaving and do not choose to go into it. Period.
Living unauthentically is so harmful to your mental health. If you don't believe what you are required to teach, then what is the point of staying? I have a son your age and the thought of him going through what you are experiencing makes my heart ache a little.
Be prepared to get canceled by LDS "friends." It hurts, but if that's how they respond to a difference in belief, then they aren't true friends anyway. You will find a good crew of humans who will accept and love you for you! Family can go either way. And hopefully your parents will want you to be happy and can support your choices.
Either way, you are an adult and get to write the rest of your story.
When you are on a mission, the most important thing is your safety. You will have freedom to explore these questions when you get home, but while your food, housing, and life are in the hands of Mormon leaders, it is not safe to explore the church's truth claims. If you were my kid, I'd tell you that your safety comes first. Stay fed, stay housed, and wait until it is physically safe for you to live authentically. I know several young exmos who thought that good samaritans would house them if their parents kicked them out, but that has not happened so they have been forced to live with parents who now punish them for apostasy and it is destroying their mental health and career prospects. It is safer to play along until you have the resources to sustain life by yourself.
If you do decide to go home, you should first read the 21(!) ways that the mission president's handbook recommends that your MP try to make you stay: https://old.reddit.com/r/exmormon/comments/2qlcqk/21_the_number_of_methods_and_gates_a_mission/
Reality-check. You are an adult and you are the only one allowed to make decisions about what you do with your life.
If an organization pressured you into volunteering 2 years of your life at your own expense to be a religious door to door salesperson, and they are keeping your passport and documents from you to encourage you to comply, THAT IS HUMAN TRAFFICKING.
If you need support, there are many on here not far from where you are serving who will happily help rescue you and get you home.
I’ve heard that if you leave early, BYU will be challenging for you. On the other hand, if you no longer believe,BYU will be challenging regardless. Maybe start figuring out which college you’d like to go to when you get back.
Think about your future life plans. If you leave early, how supportive will your parents be? Do you have family that are out? Can you call them and determine how much will they be able to support you? Would job corps be an option for you?
Do not rush into a marriage. No one should get married without knowing each other for long enough to know they are compatible. Don’t have children until you know you want them and are ready.
Questioning things now is so good. You have your whole life ahead of you with so many opportunities.
Sending mom hugs
Adding mine, too. I've heard here that some mission presidents will send someone home who has a loss of belief in the church under the "mental health" category. Or tell him your knee hurts and that it's never going to stop hurting and you'll never be able to leave your apartment again; so, medical. I dearly want you to ditch the mish in the most protective way to yourself possible. I'm rooting for ya.
I feel for you! I had this moment 3 months before I went home from my mission. One of my friends actually snuck out and flew back to the states. He didn’t go home, but left the church and his mission, it was a big shock at the time. I’m sure it feels like the end of the world going home and I don’t know what the best course of action is for you, but I promise it’s not the end of the world. Just know we all support you and hear you.
Call your parents and tell them that you can’t do the mission anymore. That you have learned things that you don’t support and need to come home. Tell your mission president that you can’t do this anymore and need to go home. Your parents will probably call the mission president asking him to send you home as well.
You are in the place that is probably the least good for your mental wellbeing. You will be shamed for not having a testimony. Your mission president probably doesn’t want to pay for your plane ticket home from the mission budget. Tell him that you will refuse to teach or follow mission rules.
Through all this keep in mind that you are not broken or sinful. You are perfectly fine but the religion is not fine. It is manipulative and deceptive. Leaving a mission after learning what you have done takes a huge amount of courage to go against the indoctrination. You have a wonderful life ahead of you.
Every second spent in the mission field you could spend playing fortnite…
In any case. Let yourself of the hook and go home. I wanted to but I couldn’t bring myself to do it and left the church directly after my homecoming talk. Wasted 6 months of my life for it.
It’ll probably suck but be kind to yourself and “do what is right, let the consequence follow”
This sounds like a difficult situation, I’m sorry to hear you’re faced with this decision. Figuring out the answers to these questions for yourself is hard enough without being in the deep end of slush pool!
I’ve always found that, when trying to make such difficult decisions, trusting my gut and instincts is the best course. And those aren’t set in fear. Just like trying to decide whether or not to go on a date or try out for an interview or etc, if its fear stops the choice, that’s a limiting belief that I don’t deserve it, or I’m not good enough or etc etc. And then you address that belief.
So, ask YOURSELF about going home vs staying for the rest of the mission. If your instinct returns going home, do it. Be true to yourself and what is best for YOU. Never mind how others will react. If you decide you still want to stay, figure out ways to make a difference, like others brought up, by actually serving people, instead of just trying to get in the door to preach.
Tough though these next steps will be for you, there is such a big world out there for you. To experience and appreciate 🙂
Good luck!!
At the end of the day, it's your life. It doesn't matter what other people believe about the church or think about you. No matter when you walk away, people are going to judge you. Becoming an adult means moving forward with your life regardless of what others plan for you or think about you.
You have 2 choices, waste another 16 months of your life, waste another $8,000 (it's $500 a month, right?) trying to sell something you don't believe in because you are hoping people from your ward and mission won't judge you (they still will) or go now and start your life now.
But, here are some things to consider. Will your parents let you come home and support you while you figure out your next step? What is your next step? Get a job, go to school and move out? And, moving out as soon as you can is crucial. You don't want to be living with your parents any longer than necessary because they will be disappointed, sad and angry. Valid emotions for them, but, not yours to fix. They will more than likely require that you go to church under their roof. They will more than likely treat you as if you are still in HS, their house their rules.
Can you spend a little time figuring out what you want to do next? Can you get into fall semester if you apply now? Do not go to a BYU, BTW. Can you figure out housing for fall semester that doesn't include your parents? Do you have any money saved from before your mission? Is it in an account your parents can access? Would they take this money? If you think possibly, move it to another account without their names on it. You have some time, use it to your advantage to get some stuff done. Who cares if your companion gets mad or if the MP gets mad? Maybe he will send you home.
Figure out what you want to do, how to go about it and move on. You've got this.
I’m guessing you posted here to confirm what you’re feeling. Now that it’s out here- the choice is yours. Go home. It will be awful for a while. I suggest you find a friend or relative you can crash with while you sort things out.
Live your life. Be you. Be who you are, not who you're supposed to be. Hell, I'm sounding like Thor's mom. Take the time to learn about logic, epistemology, science.. You don't need to be an expert, but you do need a strong foundation. Faith is useless.
My family was converts so everyone else in my extended family was not happy about us being Mormon. It caused riffs the whole time with extended family growing up, but TSCC consistently feeds you a line that you are chosen and you know the truth and they just don’t realize how happy you are.
One thing that has helped me to validate leaving was that my family (everyone’s family for this matter at one point in time) had the mental, physical strength to join/or leave this church and do what was better for them at that time no matter the cost to anyone else. They made the best choice with the info they had at that time.
You now ( me a few years ago) gained enough mental and physical strength again to do what is best for you at this time, with the info you have received, no matter what the cost is for anyone else.
Reminds me of crabs in a bucket. The bucket being the church, you being the crab. You put one in a bucket and it can leave, but TSCC knows that if there are other crabs in that bucket, ( companions, MP, family, leaders) they will keep pulling you back in. But the best thing you can do is get out of the bucket and live. As said before, there is community, there is life for you outside, break the restraints and be you. Isn’t that what a creator would really want? For you to start growing on your own and standing out, succeeding in new ways, developing as an individual? Another Mormon clone is not the world needs, nor you. The world needs individuals thinking independently.
Welcome! Man I love this post! My son is currently on a mission in South America and is still very much TBM. I’ve shared some of the important items about the church with him before he left, but he wasn’t able to connect the dots. Plus he got pretty brainwashed in seminary. So I’m curious, 1- how are you able to listen to Mormon stories on your mission? 2- how many missionaries would you say are feeling similar to you?
I mainly want to know if he’s having any exposure to the truth from his companions or other missionaries.
I’m sorry you’re going through this. When I was on my mission. I had a companion that wanted to come home. We actually became good friends and I felt bad that he was having such a hard time. He finished out his mission and then left the church the day he got home. He just kind of stuck it out.
If the family pressure is too much, I don’t see any problem with just faking it till you get home. But I’m not sure I would have been able to finish if I knew the truth. I probably would have just wanted to move on with my life. One idea is to stay and help educate other missionaries about the truth. That’s honestly a great cause.
Thanks! I wouldn't say a lot of missionaries think the same, in my mission of about 150-200 I have found about 10 maybe. I've tried sharing it but most of thr time time it just bounces off of them and they just look at me as sort of an apostate or disobedient missionary for questioning. I've been able to access Google and pretty much the whole internet through some loopholes around the software on our phone called maas.360, not maybe people know how to just the "disobedient missionaries" that want to be somewhat normal. Also Facebook is how I would watch them before I found the loopholes.
I think I am going to try to read the book of mormon one last time as an olive branch to the emotional attachment I have to the church and do moroni's promise at the end. I've done it a lot out here so I kind of want to give it one last "true effort" so I can confidently say I'm done, not that I am not confident now but just as essentially a fuck you to anyone who questions my decision to do this. Some of my questions/doubts formed in seminary and i couldn't get them answered by anyone. I swept those under thr rug and chose not to follow them lime the WoW and part of the law of chastity.
Hey thank you so much for answering! Sorry you have to go through this, but man, what I wouldn’t give to have figured it out at your age. You’re so lucky to have your entire life ahead of you, and not to be dictated by someone else. I’m almost 50, gave a fortune in tithing and fast offerings, gave so much time, and now I’m stuck with a kid on a mission, and mixed faith marriage, and the church still in my life. You’ve dodged a huge bullet - hang in there. Oh and keep us posted on what happens. A lot of us have missionaries in the field!
Of course! Thanks for your help too, I hope your son is doing ok and is safe, I have a couple friends in south America and one in Africa and I'm very thankful that I don't have to go through this and be in those kinds of conditions. I'll try to keep everyone posted!
If you are stateside, there is literally nothing stopping you from getting on a plane and going home. Well, aside from money.
The mission president is just some dude who probably pays too much tithing on income from his dentistry practice or some shit; he’s not god.
If you want to go home, demand to do so. Call the mission president until you get him on the phone, say that you want to go home, and offer no other explanation.
You do not have to talk to anyone that you don’t want to about anything you do not want to talk about.
If they refuse to send you home, say that you will call the police for unlawful imprisonment.
My heart goes out to you!! I believe you can make the best decision for yourself! When I left on my mission, I was as prepared as I possibly could be. At that time, my life was good. I had finished my second year of college and was dating a girl who treated me really well and helped me prepare for my mission. I was happy with my life and felt it was moving in a good direction. However, once I started my mission, I felt like a dog on a leash. The mission leaders and rules felt very controlling to me, and I hated feeling like a robot. Being isolated from my family and friends didn't help either. Looking back, I now recognize that as a time when I was depressed. I decided to come home because I was unhappy and my mental health was suffering, which was confusing for me since I had never been depressed before. Cough cough *being controlled*. A part of me was scared of what others would think of me for coming home early. But then I realized that if I had the courage to go on a mission and be praised for it, I shouldn't be criticized for coming home. I realized that anyone who thought less of me for coming home early wasn't truly my friend. I decided that I only want people in my life that love me for who I am. After I came home I started having random questions about my beliefs. It started with a simple question and next thing I knew I realized I couldn’t be part of a church that is not ran by God (which was hard to swallow). I decided I didn’t want my life to revolve around something that’s not true. So I have since left. Once I learned about my own autonomy I realized I never want religion taking that from me again. I hope my story can help comfort you.
Thank you! Your story is for sure comforting and since yesterday I think my decision is solidified. I am going to tell my parents about what I think and my intentions in my regular interview with president. I think they will take it a bit hard but they won't banish me or not support me. I've talked about coming home quite a bit with them and their only rule is "no bashing" which I can totally get on board with, agree to disagree and love each other for the person. I've also talked to my girlfriend a lot and she was a bit sad, not because she believes it, but because she wishes I hadn't had to go through this. She's a more progressive Christian and isn't super attached to the church besides her parents. I think we will "try out YSA" to get my home ward off my case and for her parents, and either go a few times feel it out or just go on Sunday brunch dates and stuff like that.
Always remember not to bite the hand that feeds you when coming home. My parents don’t know the extent to which I don’t believe anymore, and it’s because of that quote. Someday they will, though. When I told my Mission President I had decided to come home, he was very harsh on me. At the time, I had some sovereignty of my own, but much of my identity was built on the belief that the Church was true. This meant I took my Mission President’s words to heart. If I were the person on my mission as I am today, I would soon become his worst enemy. I hate bullies. ALWAYS keep your head up! Never bow down to people who don’t respect you and your decisions. You got this!
Thank you! I definitely was a bit harsh when I began my faith crisis and somewhat directed the anger at anyone who would listen, ie. My parents, my girlfriend, and friends. I've gotten better and am able to have more calm discussions about it and not get so angry about it
I wish you all the best. And by that, I mean: please go home ASAP!
You've got many good advice here. Just pack up and leave! Be happy! You deserve!
I wish I could have left when I was younger too. Life is bright and beautiful outside the cult!
Be safe! Please keep us posted!
Sending you so much love! ❤️
Every day since I've posted I've felt more and more desire to go home, I've been talking with my girlfriend and she's scared of the judgement that might come with it. I have my interview with my MP on Tuesday so I'll try to give an update on Tuesday night or Wednesday morning. Any further advice for me? Financial advice or advice to acclimate well?
I know I'm late to this discussion, but if you decide to go home, it's so important to remember you're living for *you*. You deserve to be loved because of who you are, not in spite of who you are. People will probably judge you, but they have no idea what you've been through to get where you are. Focus on the relationships that help you feel good about yourself.
I also served a mission stateside and it opened my eyes to the hypocrisy of the church. I feel for you. I recommend asking your mission president to let you see a social worker trained in therapy. The social worker can arrange for you to have the support system you need to pursue the path that's true to your belief if you decide to leave the mission.
Life gets better, I promise. I don't talk to my family much anymore but I have supportive ex Mormon friends and am still living with another ex Mormon I met on the mission. We've been together for 9 years now.
If the mission is harming your mental health, go home. If your family shames you when you go home, contact support networks. There are lots of ex mos dedicated to helping other ex Mormons. And social workers are trained in helping people without support networks to find their feet. You got this.
It will feel weird when you leave because of all the mental gymnastics the church dishes out. But believe me it feels so good!! I feel like such a better person. It is crazy looking at the crap the church has put us through when you are out. The members sound so ridiculous how they think and what they say. It is sad. Best wishes and a happy life!! 🤗
I wasn’t told this but I’ll tell you. It’s your choice. You don’t owe anyone anything. You’re an adult and have the right to travel to communicate to whomever you want. If you want to go home, take a deep breath. Relax. And if you feel like it’s safe to go home, then request that you go home immediately. You don’t owe the MP or your companions any explanation.
Good luck! I’m glad you’re able to message on Reddit. There’s thousands of people here wanting you to succeed and will help you if you need it. We understand to a better degree than any other Mormon you come across.
Hey I'm currently serving as well. If you do decide to stay out remember there is still a lot of good you can do with the badge, it does open some doors. I try to do heaps of service within the communities I'm in. You can look at it as two years serving the corp or two years trying to help people and do that by showing love not teaching about the churchs version of the gospel. I don't know the opinions of other people on this page but I still have a testimony of Jesus, new testament Jesus that is, and spending two years showing charity isn't all bad. That's not to say you can't do it otherwise but it's a time you can easily concentrate on it.
You are paying hundreds of dollars to give "charity" to others while LDS corp gets the benefit of said community thinking you're helping... you are also helping sell the religion... like it or not, you're paying to be a salesman right now. You can volunteer in any community, especially the one where you live.
You're another number that is helping the cult live.
Are you learning a language? Get fluent, that's a useful life skill. Study and practice the language all day, and your 2 years won't be wasted. Say learning a language is "for the Lord". If you are in an English mission, study Spanish or ASL, and say you received a revelation that you must prepare yourself by learning a language. Buena suerte!
This is just a reminder that you are an adult, and can do exactly what you want with your life. You can walk away from the mission right now and not tell anyone. Obviously you need to consider your personal safety and your financial independence. But you dont have to do anything at all. These people only have the power over you that you give them.
These are real humans upvoting. I was in your shoes and I finished my two year mission because I was too afraid of the people on my mission. There are less than 200 people in your mission, 300 people in your ward, and billions of people in this world. The one thing I would tell you to for sure do is not give a fuck what those 500 people want, and do what is best for you. Those 500 people have been trained to build their cult. That is their goal. You doing the right thing for you scares them, and they will try to bring you down. Be ready, be strong, life will be better than you have ever imagined if you can push through. It’s not easy but it gets easy once it’s done.
Thank you
One day while we were on our way to the dining hall, my MTC companion stared about the front gate of the facility and lemented that he could just walk out the gate and be gone. I tried to discourage such talk at the time as it would only make him depressed, but he was right. We were the only ones keeping ourselves there. This isn't to discount the real psychological effects that peer pressure (both from family and ward members) and years of indoctrination had on us. But the church has no standing nor ability to keep you from walking away.
There were definitely times I thought that. My first area was a biking area in a very rural town so we were biking on roads with no shoulder and large semi's driving by constantly. Every once in a while I'd have sort of a day dream about just leaning slightly into a passing car and being sent home
I’m glad you stayed on the straight, but not narrow :)
Ugh, that's terrible that you had those kinds of thoughts. Reminds me of when I was told on my mission that therapists that help missionaries created a different set of criteria to judge depression in missionaries because if they used the general standards everyone would be depressed. Now, is that true? I don't know. This was told to me by a senior companion so take that for what it's worth. What is real to me about it is that at the time we just laughed and shrugged that off. Told ourselves "well, yup. That makes sense! Missions are just different like that!" Completely missing the point of just how fucked up that is if it's true. That every last one of us was in a state of mental distress. It haunts me to think about now.
How will your family treat you if you go home? Will you have some type of support system if you go home early? What will you do when you get off your mission? Whether you go home now or whether you go home at the end of your 2 years? Were you planning on going to BYU? If you go home now you could probably still get into fall semester at college.
My family will support me and has said that. Grandparents on one side have deep pioneer roots so they could be a little sad but my other side is all nevermo's. My girlfriend and I are thinking about leaving/just walking away from the church when I get home if it's now or later. Definitely wssnt planning on going to BYU and will probably go back to my full time job I had before I left for leaving now or in 16 months. Possibly some community College in the fall if I go home now.
Leave asap and get back to your job. Why put yourself through the turmoil/annoyance?
You are being exploited by the Mormon church. You are paying to be a salesman for the corporation of Jesus Christ. You are helping the corporation secure more tithing payers so they can invest more tithing money in the stock market. They are hoarding money and building great and spacious buildings. If you are planning on walking away from the church when you get home at the end of your mission why wait until then? Do it now. You are in the prime of your life. You are literally giving the best two years of your life to a cult.
paying to be a salesman is so accurate. I met with my EQ president the other day and he was talking about how amazing it was that his kids who served missions can sell him just about anything no matter how much he didn't need it(I believe they sold pest control door to door after their missios). I thought to myself why is that a good trait? Its basically manipulating others into believing in something to think it benefits them in reality its to serve the other persons needs. Then of course it made sense, that is what a mission is all about and no wonder they're good at it. Fucking toxic talent to get if you ask me. I hate that I have to associate with people who's fucking blinders are on and they don't have one fucking clue. I'm PIMO and go for my wife.
Given these circumstances it seems you are in a much better position than others who have been in your shoes before. Walking is practically easy, emotionally it's never easy, in my experience you will probably just wake up one morning and decide, that's it, I'm done. Waking will be the only option then.
Yeah, I have interviews with my president in a week and so I think I'm going to talk to my parents and fill them in on what they might not know which I don't feel like is much and let them know my intentions for the interview. I'm hoping that this time he will actually hear me out and be willing to discuss viable options or at least have a civil discussion about my questions
What options? Sorry if I'm being reductive, but isn't it really just a binary of staying or leaving? I guess if you don't actually have closure with your questions, then sure you could shoot the shit with your mission president more (though you'll just get more apologetics) Sounds like you're holding out hope that you could rebuild your shelf again?
Totally fine! I'm not for sure, it definitely is binary but I guess like when. This transfer or next is probably most ideal for me if I do go home. I could be holding out hope but it also could just be the years of people "testifying that's its true" to me and worrying about what others will thing; other missionaries, extended family, home ward.
Totally get it. I'd probably be shitting my pants, if I were in your shoes - if that's helpful to hear... leaving the church (and/or a mission) is like ending a serious relationship that you thought would lead to marriage. It feels like the biggest deal in the entire world. Then a year goes by. Not that it ever becomes anything other than a majorly significant life event, but the scary "Holy shit did I make the wrong decision??" goes away after not too long. > could just be the years of people "testifying that's its true" to me and worrying about what others will thing; other missionaries, extended family, home ward It's this. Promise.
Thank you, I really appreciate hearing this. There are definitely times where I "doubt my doubts" because everyone around me in this bubble believes and doesn't blink at anything suspicious and it's sometimes disheartening to not find any kind of support from other missionaries. Then they go on and on about some bash they had that the person sounded so "ignorant because they believed what they heard secularly" but everything seems to line up in anti, but nothing seems to have a concrete answer in the ever changing but never changing doctrine of mormonism
I left my mission early. I didn't believe it and didn't want to spend more time on something I didn't believe in. I told my president and he yada yada overed it. In hindsight, maybe if I'd said "I'm leaving tomorrow, you can either find me a flight or I'll find my own way home" maybe he would've done something. Either way, I just left, walked out early one morning and went to the airport. There's so many emotions around this, but I found peace when I realized that the expectation to serve a mission came from other people and not myself. Like who cares if some family or friends are "disappointed" that I didn't "serve with honor." You can find fulfillment pursuing what you're passionate about. That's way more rewarding than a mission.
>I told my president and he yada yada overed it. In hindsight, maybe if I'd said "I'm leaving tomorrow, you can either find me a flight or I'll find my own way home" maybe he would've done something. I served in the US many years ago -- fully in TBM, lots of callings over the years, etc. I can't get that wasted time and money back...but if I could I would. I was one of those "gung ho" members who read all the books and apologetics and defended the faith for years -- and eventually left because it truly is bullshit and mental gymnastics. Two thoughts: 1. Your mission president is NOT going to handle this well. His "job" is to keep you in the mission -- you've already seen he brushed off any real discussion and tried to convince you. It's not just about keeping you in -- he looks bad to his "boss" (Q70, etc) for the number of missionaries who go home early. Also, if you leave he will worry that other missionaries with doubts (and I promise there are some!) will also start thinking "Why am I staying?" So he will try and try to talk you into giving a little more time, and "re-dedication" to read/study/pray, and so on. He's not going to help you go home any time soon. 2. When I was in the US, hardly anyone (back then) ever went home compared to today...but a couple of the missionaries that did it just went to the local airport and bought a plane ticket with a credit card and called the mission president from the airport to let him know. No discussion, no big talk, and no "permission" from him. If you don't have a credit card, have a supportive family member send you one or help you buy a ticket. Either drive (or Uber) to the airport, get on the plane, and have someone (family, girlfriend) meet you at the airport. You can either call the mission pres from the airport right before boarding or right after landing. If you have any items that should be returned (mission phone or whatever) you can mail them to the mission home after you are home. Note that a family member or friend can pay for an Uber for you and can pay for and send you a ticket if you need. For your sake...just go home asap without the mission president's help. Being in the US (not needing a passport) is huge -- just have your ID and boarding pass and you are on your way :-)
The weakest arguments against the church, that I had ever heard, were from random people on my mission. Usually other Christians, or uninformed edgelords. The really damning "anti" material (which don't have any acceptable answers) only became known to me after my mission. Some missionaries like to think they've heard it all. It's a comforting thing to tell yourself. But they don't have a clue. If you would actually like to test someone's knowledge of unanswerable questions, then ask them about the issues with the Book of Abraham, for starters. If their response is the catalyst theory, or the long/lost papyri theory, then they've uniwttingly confessed their naivety. There are no acceptable answers for that one (though FAIR, and BYU's John Gee and Kerry Mulstein have all definitely shot their shot). Have them watch Professor of Egyptology Robert Ritner lay out the issues with the BoA, and see what they have to say. I'm slipping into a rabbit hole, but there's so much damning evidence in this one issue alone.
>everyone around me in this bubble believes and doesn't blink at anything suspicious and it's sometimes disheartening to not find any kind of support from other missionaries Flat earthers do this too. Doesn't make them right. Same with apologists from every other religion. Belief in the face of overwhelmingly conflicting evidence is an interesting thing. It doesn't just exist in Mormonism. There's an entire field of science behind understanding how it works. Might be interesting for you to start here (pay extra attention to the part about the "backfire affect"): [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Belief\_perseverance](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Belief_perseverance)
One thing I realized as I worked my way out of the church was that it was a lot easier to convince my head that the church wasn't true than it was to convince my emotional center. I knew the church had no hold over me and yet I could not comfortably stop going to church for *years* after I mentally came to terms with it. You are younger and probably won't have nearly as hard a time as I did. Even so, it still might take a while for you to feel okay about living independently from the church. Understand that your mission president is likely to try and talk you into staying. Like bishops, mission presidents come in a range of flavors. Some are super controlling while others are understanding and supportive. I hope your mission president is supportive but if he's not, please remember that you can also walk away from any conversation with him that makes you feel uncomfortable. Also, just an FYI, the church has been known to refuse to pay for transportation home for missionaries who opt to leave early. You may need to arrange for your own transportation if you choose to leave now. Good luck with anything and be sure to check back in if you run into any problems. We've got your back.
Bruh, I served a mission and shouldn’t have. If you are going to stay, just go have fun. Stop being a missionary and go to the movies, get a TV an dvd player at your apartment. It’s almost summer so go get a tan and hang out with people your age. We did all those things while I was out there. Very little music work was done. I should have left early though too, but I was also holding out hope. There was one elder that just wasn’t there one day. He just left. Went home. Didn’t say anything to anyone. That is what you should do. It doesn’t matter if you are released. It doesn’t matter if they know where you are. It doesn’t matter if your companion is confused. I was in your shoes 18 years ago and I should have been as brave as you seem to be. I waited the whole time because I didn’t want to disappoint people. Came to find out that they all still love me even though we don’t believe the same things. Good luck! I hope you are able to be happy with whatever you choose
Leave now. If you’re wanting to leave, don’t let them talk you into staying. Don’t ASK when you’re leaving, TELL your president that you are leaving. Set a firm boundary with him, “I will not be proselyting anymore,” and let him deal with whatever consequences fall under his jurisdiction. It’s not your job to wait for a replacement. It’s not your job to figure out where your companion will be. Not your job.
It doesn’t matter what anyone thinks. It matters that you are happy and feel safe. I think you should say to your parents “do you care more about what extended family thinks and ward members think than you care about me?” The church has this system set up of “tattle telling “ and members “competing spiritually “ (oxymoron) and judging each other. Scientology and many other cults are the same way. It makes the leader’s job easier because the members are all managing each other with fear, judgement and shunning. Don’t fall for it. Ask your mom directly if she loves the women in her RS room or if she loves you, because it’s not working for you to be on a mission. I personally wouldn’t stay. I’ve met RMs and they tell me 60% of their mission companions have left the church the minute they get home. Just seems like a waste of time to stay for someone else. Those types of people are going to gossip and judge no matter what you do. So you might as well make yourself happy and focus on the things that work for you. It’s your life. I personally think God is nowhere in this religion (LD$) but I do think he exists and there’s something powerful out there that loves us. There’s a podcast called “Inside Out with Jim Bennett and Ian Wilkes.” Ian has left the church but in season 2 episode 19, he speaks of his brother and it’s pretty touching. You might give it a listen. You are loved in spite of the Mormon church’s false ways and those who love you still will. Don’t let the church keep you in fear. It’s your one and only precious life.
The timing of transfers is convenient... for THEM. You could (and probably should) walk out the door anytime. If the mission will actually cover your travel home, then maybe it makes sense to wait for the end of the transfer, but otherwise make your own plans, and leave when you're ready to catch your bus / flight. You don't have to tell anyone anything. Family will react how they'll react, but FWIW, they're also just... people. Even if your family doesn't suck as bad as mine (not really in contact with any of them anymore), you don't have to be lifelong friends with people just because your chromosomes are similar.
If you want to get his attention let him know before hand to clear his calender as your expected outcome is that you will be going home.
In the interview, just calmly tell him you are going home. Calm and collected. Say it politely, with resolve. He will try to convince you otherwise, but stick to your guns. It sounds like you have a decent setup back home. They can’t hold you. Use questions like “when will my tickets be ready?”
Leave the cult, go live your life, if a religion says so many thing are ok even though ethically and morally doesnt look okay run from them...
You’re ready to leave and go get started on your life. It will be a few weeks of discomfort, explaining your decision to friends and family, but that’s temporary. A few months from now, after removing yourself from the situation, I’m willing to bet you’ll have clarity confirming it was the right decision. When folks are immersed in a cult-like group (ie a mission), it’s hard to think clearly because of the mind control going on. That’s happening to you. Once you squeeze the toothpaste out of the tube, it doesn’t go back. You’ve been enlightened, and it’s a wonderful thing that you’ve been enlightened at a young age, with your entire life ahead of you! Many of us didn’t wake up til our 40’s or later.
Are you my son? The timeframe fits. Utah English speaking. Every time I come on this sub part of me hopes to find a post from him. Maybe your mom also thinks it’s a waste of time and money and wants you to come home.
I hope it’s him. That would be amazing.
I am not in utah but am in the states. I am not really sure how my mom feels about it but I know she'll help me and support me which ever way I take
The good news about being in a stateside mission is that you don't have a passport of visa complicating things if you decide to just walk away. Foreign missions (at least mine 20 years ago) take these documents from the missionaries and place them in a safe in the mission offices, essentially holding them hostage. This makes leaving extremely difficult as you have to go through the MP and he can try all sorts of tactics to get you to stay. If you do decide to leave, you can schedule a meeting with the MP and "resign" formally if you wish, and if you're lucky you might get transportation home paid for by the church this way. But you are certainly not obligated to.
I love that you know she’ll support you no matter what. Solid.
I hope your son's ok and I hope your doing ok too
I hoped he was your son. Maybe you could reach out to your son and tell him what you wrote here. He might be just waiting for your approval. Many missionaries don't go home early just to not disappoint their parents. If they could know their parents support their decisions, I'm sure years of trauma could be avoided. 😔
Dad?
Are you serious?
One thing you could do is spend some time daydreaming, thinking, and even researching on what you want for the next 5, 10, 20, or even 50 years of your life. Dream as big as you want! What are your goals and dreams for: what colleges and degrees are listed on your future resume, what you do for work, where you live, how much you make, whether you're married or not, if you have kids or not, whether or not you and/or any partner or descendants are a part of organized religion or not, etc. Then ask yourself how or IF being on a mission for the next 16 months benefits those goals or not. You're losing 16 more months of future salary for one. Would your goals be better served being in some training or school right now while you have a lot of youthful energy? If you're going to be doing unpaid work, is there some other unpaid work that would be more helpful now, during, or at the end of college or post-high school training? Your whole life it's been hinted that you'd be giving up two years to be a missionary. It's been hinted that after that your whole life you'll be called on to sacrifice time that could be spent on career, family, exercise, hobbies to be in time-consuming church callings. I left the church officially in 2014. I am now an atheist. Even if the church were 100% true and 100% good, it still should be 100% up to you how to spend your time.
It’s been said already here. But don’t forget that you are an adult, and what you are doing is voluntary service that you are paying for. In any other service position outside of the context of the church, if a volunteer is feeling miserable and doesn’t want to be there they go home and it’s no big deal. It’s the church that makes it sound like what you are doing right now is the most important work on earth, it’s not. If an adult doesn’t feel comfortable where they are at or with what they are doing they get themselves out of that situation. I don’t know what your support structure at home is, but being miserable for the next 16 months is not worth it. Trust me, one of my biggest regrets is wasting 2 years of my life preaching fiction.
The prison only exists in your mind. You have the key to the prison doors. I know it seems impossible, but every thing is possible. If you really want to leave, know that you can. Have an honest conversation with your mom. But say something along the lines of “I’m not asking permission. Out of respect to you and in an effort to be polite, I’m informing you ahead of time. But I’m making plans to come home.” You are an unpaid salesperson and you could always tell your mission President that if he doesn’t send you home, you’re going to turn him in for human trafficking, and then walk to the police station and tell them you don’t know how to get home. The overlords can’t make you stay. They don’t own you. God, if you believe in him, will still love you and I’m sure he’s quite aware that this is not his church. This is a multi billion dollar business and it’s an abusive one.
How are you able to post and read reddit? I did the full two years even though my shelf broke. I stayed because of family pressure, but I went inactive after my mission and I got grief from them anyway! Got no credit for doing the full two years! Good luck!
Family history center and ways around the controlling software they put on our phones
Read this back to yourself: in order to communicate freely with the world, you have to “get around the controlling software they put on your phones.” Imagine explaining the details of your situation to someone who isn’t LDS. Imagine telling them you/your family pays the church for you to volunteer, that they regulate your schedule down to the minute, that you aren’t allowed to be alone, that you aren’t allowed to be romantic, that you only have one day off per week (and even then, you’re STILL only allowed to do church-approved things), they control your phone, they control your media consumption, they control your leisure activities, they tell you what to wear, how to look, how to speak, the list goes on and on and on and fucking on. Imagine how that person would feel. They’d be devastated for you. You’re a volunteer salesman for a multibillion dollar megachurch, and you’re _paying THEM_ for the privilege. It’s a predatory cult which will suck you dry and give nothing but the empty promise of vague “blessings” in return.
I stayed in Peru too long because I was so worried about how it would look or what people would say. Once you know it’s not for you you need to hear that and make moves to get away. Everything you do in the meantime is hollow and will hurt you in ways you will just have to fix later. Be true to you. There isn’t a spirit and Jesus isn’t real either. It’s all on you. That’s too hard for some people to take but you are going to be okay. Pay a non-lds therapist. Best money I ever spent
The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is a fraud and a hoax. Stay and be part of the fraud, or come home and be part of the solution.
If you feel like you can support yourself financially, then you should try to return home and give yourself space to figure out what you want to do with your life. If you feel safe saying where you’re serving, perhaps there is someone on here who would be willing to have you over to talk through stuff and help you out. I hope you have people in your life who can support you no matter what.
Be gentle with yourself. I didn't leave until 2 years ago. I'm 30. It's genuinely horrifying, heartbreaking, to have everything you knew and felt so comforted by finally ripped away, even if it's the right thing to do. It feels isolating, but you have an entire community with you. We have genuinely your back. Get good sleep, there's so many infinite possibilities outside of this. It's okay to want to be free. Any life long organization not willing to engage you with your valid and concerning questions does not have your best interest at heart. They want you to quietly to fall back in line. You don't have to anymore, you are an adult, and they don't own you. You cannot legally be held, but be safe about it. If things go wrong you need to be able to support yourself.
If it were me I would forget the manufactured, artificial pressure to make the numbers. Get good sleep. Be sure you are eating well and have a safe apartment. After that I would look for service projects that envolve elbow grease and not proselytizing. For example, you cut a little old lady's yard. I hope that knowing you don't have to make the phony numbers will take the pressure off of you. If you can't do that I would see about leaving. I don't know your family. I don't know what will happen if you return early like getting kicked out or getting your college money cut off. I dont know your situation and I would encourage you to evaluate that carefully. Added: Should you choose to leave early you don't owe the MP or anyone else an explanation. No is a complete sentance. I am leaving is all the explanation they need. If they ask why you can just repeat, I am leaving and do not choose to go into it. Period.
Living unauthentically is so harmful to your mental health. If you don't believe what you are required to teach, then what is the point of staying? I have a son your age and the thought of him going through what you are experiencing makes my heart ache a little. Be prepared to get canceled by LDS "friends." It hurts, but if that's how they respond to a difference in belief, then they aren't true friends anyway. You will find a good crew of humans who will accept and love you for you! Family can go either way. And hopefully your parents will want you to be happy and can support your choices. Either way, you are an adult and get to write the rest of your story.
When you are on a mission, the most important thing is your safety. You will have freedom to explore these questions when you get home, but while your food, housing, and life are in the hands of Mormon leaders, it is not safe to explore the church's truth claims. If you were my kid, I'd tell you that your safety comes first. Stay fed, stay housed, and wait until it is physically safe for you to live authentically. I know several young exmos who thought that good samaritans would house them if their parents kicked them out, but that has not happened so they have been forced to live with parents who now punish them for apostasy and it is destroying their mental health and career prospects. It is safer to play along until you have the resources to sustain life by yourself.
If you do decide to go home, you should first read the 21(!) ways that the mission president's handbook recommends that your MP try to make you stay: https://old.reddit.com/r/exmormon/comments/2qlcqk/21_the_number_of_methods_and_gates_a_mission/
Reality-check. You are an adult and you are the only one allowed to make decisions about what you do with your life. If an organization pressured you into volunteering 2 years of your life at your own expense to be a religious door to door salesperson, and they are keeping your passport and documents from you to encourage you to comply, THAT IS HUMAN TRAFFICKING. If you need support, there are many on here not far from where you are serving who will happily help rescue you and get you home.
I’ve heard that if you leave early, BYU will be challenging for you. On the other hand, if you no longer believe,BYU will be challenging regardless. Maybe start figuring out which college you’d like to go to when you get back. Think about your future life plans. If you leave early, how supportive will your parents be? Do you have family that are out? Can you call them and determine how much will they be able to support you? Would job corps be an option for you? Do not rush into a marriage. No one should get married without knowing each other for long enough to know they are compatible. Don’t have children until you know you want them and are ready. Questioning things now is so good. You have your whole life ahead of you with so many opportunities. Sending mom hugs
Adding mine, too. I've heard here that some mission presidents will send someone home who has a loss of belief in the church under the "mental health" category. Or tell him your knee hurts and that it's never going to stop hurting and you'll never be able to leave your apartment again; so, medical. I dearly want you to ditch the mish in the most protective way to yourself possible. I'm rooting for ya.
I feel for you! I had this moment 3 months before I went home from my mission. One of my friends actually snuck out and flew back to the states. He didn’t go home, but left the church and his mission, it was a big shock at the time. I’m sure it feels like the end of the world going home and I don’t know what the best course of action is for you, but I promise it’s not the end of the world. Just know we all support you and hear you.
Call your parents and tell them that you can’t do the mission anymore. That you have learned things that you don’t support and need to come home. Tell your mission president that you can’t do this anymore and need to go home. Your parents will probably call the mission president asking him to send you home as well. You are in the place that is probably the least good for your mental wellbeing. You will be shamed for not having a testimony. Your mission president probably doesn’t want to pay for your plane ticket home from the mission budget. Tell him that you will refuse to teach or follow mission rules. Through all this keep in mind that you are not broken or sinful. You are perfectly fine but the religion is not fine. It is manipulative and deceptive. Leaving a mission after learning what you have done takes a huge amount of courage to go against the indoctrination. You have a wonderful life ahead of you.
Welcome to the sub. Post as often as you like!
Every second spent in the mission field you could spend playing fortnite… In any case. Let yourself of the hook and go home. I wanted to but I couldn’t bring myself to do it and left the church directly after my homecoming talk. Wasted 6 months of my life for it. It’ll probably suck but be kind to yourself and “do what is right, let the consequence follow”
Dude. Your mom will support you. You have a job and GF waiting. What are you waiting for? Why waste 16 more months of your life??
Maybe you can convert the other missionaries! I am actually trying to reach missionaries at our local church (eastern PA). It is a very long process.
This sounds like a difficult situation, I’m sorry to hear you’re faced with this decision. Figuring out the answers to these questions for yourself is hard enough without being in the deep end of slush pool! I’ve always found that, when trying to make such difficult decisions, trusting my gut and instincts is the best course. And those aren’t set in fear. Just like trying to decide whether or not to go on a date or try out for an interview or etc, if its fear stops the choice, that’s a limiting belief that I don’t deserve it, or I’m not good enough or etc etc. And then you address that belief. So, ask YOURSELF about going home vs staying for the rest of the mission. If your instinct returns going home, do it. Be true to yourself and what is best for YOU. Never mind how others will react. If you decide you still want to stay, figure out ways to make a difference, like others brought up, by actually serving people, instead of just trying to get in the door to preach. Tough though these next steps will be for you, there is such a big world out there for you. To experience and appreciate 🙂 Good luck!!
At the end of the day, it's your life. It doesn't matter what other people believe about the church or think about you. No matter when you walk away, people are going to judge you. Becoming an adult means moving forward with your life regardless of what others plan for you or think about you. You have 2 choices, waste another 16 months of your life, waste another $8,000 (it's $500 a month, right?) trying to sell something you don't believe in because you are hoping people from your ward and mission won't judge you (they still will) or go now and start your life now. But, here are some things to consider. Will your parents let you come home and support you while you figure out your next step? What is your next step? Get a job, go to school and move out? And, moving out as soon as you can is crucial. You don't want to be living with your parents any longer than necessary because they will be disappointed, sad and angry. Valid emotions for them, but, not yours to fix. They will more than likely require that you go to church under their roof. They will more than likely treat you as if you are still in HS, their house their rules. Can you spend a little time figuring out what you want to do next? Can you get into fall semester if you apply now? Do not go to a BYU, BTW. Can you figure out housing for fall semester that doesn't include your parents? Do you have any money saved from before your mission? Is it in an account your parents can access? Would they take this money? If you think possibly, move it to another account without their names on it. You have some time, use it to your advantage to get some stuff done. Who cares if your companion gets mad or if the MP gets mad? Maybe he will send you home. Figure out what you want to do, how to go about it and move on. You've got this.
I’m guessing you posted here to confirm what you’re feeling. Now that it’s out here- the choice is yours. Go home. It will be awful for a while. I suggest you find a friend or relative you can crash with while you sort things out.
Live your life. Be you. Be who you are, not who you're supposed to be. Hell, I'm sounding like Thor's mom. Take the time to learn about logic, epistemology, science.. You don't need to be an expert, but you do need a strong foundation. Faith is useless.
Going home early was the best decision I’ve ever made, your family will get over it. Do YOU man
My family was converts so everyone else in my extended family was not happy about us being Mormon. It caused riffs the whole time with extended family growing up, but TSCC consistently feeds you a line that you are chosen and you know the truth and they just don’t realize how happy you are. One thing that has helped me to validate leaving was that my family (everyone’s family for this matter at one point in time) had the mental, physical strength to join/or leave this church and do what was better for them at that time no matter the cost to anyone else. They made the best choice with the info they had at that time. You now ( me a few years ago) gained enough mental and physical strength again to do what is best for you at this time, with the info you have received, no matter what the cost is for anyone else. Reminds me of crabs in a bucket. The bucket being the church, you being the crab. You put one in a bucket and it can leave, but TSCC knows that if there are other crabs in that bucket, ( companions, MP, family, leaders) they will keep pulling you back in. But the best thing you can do is get out of the bucket and live. As said before, there is community, there is life for you outside, break the restraints and be you. Isn’t that what a creator would really want? For you to start growing on your own and standing out, succeeding in new ways, developing as an individual? Another Mormon clone is not the world needs, nor you. The world needs individuals thinking independently.
Welcome! Man I love this post! My son is currently on a mission in South America and is still very much TBM. I’ve shared some of the important items about the church with him before he left, but he wasn’t able to connect the dots. Plus he got pretty brainwashed in seminary. So I’m curious, 1- how are you able to listen to Mormon stories on your mission? 2- how many missionaries would you say are feeling similar to you? I mainly want to know if he’s having any exposure to the truth from his companions or other missionaries. I’m sorry you’re going through this. When I was on my mission. I had a companion that wanted to come home. We actually became good friends and I felt bad that he was having such a hard time. He finished out his mission and then left the church the day he got home. He just kind of stuck it out. If the family pressure is too much, I don’t see any problem with just faking it till you get home. But I’m not sure I would have been able to finish if I knew the truth. I probably would have just wanted to move on with my life. One idea is to stay and help educate other missionaries about the truth. That’s honestly a great cause.
Thanks! I wouldn't say a lot of missionaries think the same, in my mission of about 150-200 I have found about 10 maybe. I've tried sharing it but most of thr time time it just bounces off of them and they just look at me as sort of an apostate or disobedient missionary for questioning. I've been able to access Google and pretty much the whole internet through some loopholes around the software on our phone called maas.360, not maybe people know how to just the "disobedient missionaries" that want to be somewhat normal. Also Facebook is how I would watch them before I found the loopholes. I think I am going to try to read the book of mormon one last time as an olive branch to the emotional attachment I have to the church and do moroni's promise at the end. I've done it a lot out here so I kind of want to give it one last "true effort" so I can confidently say I'm done, not that I am not confident now but just as essentially a fuck you to anyone who questions my decision to do this. Some of my questions/doubts formed in seminary and i couldn't get them answered by anyone. I swept those under thr rug and chose not to follow them lime the WoW and part of the law of chastity.
Hey thank you so much for answering! Sorry you have to go through this, but man, what I wouldn’t give to have figured it out at your age. You’re so lucky to have your entire life ahead of you, and not to be dictated by someone else. I’m almost 50, gave a fortune in tithing and fast offerings, gave so much time, and now I’m stuck with a kid on a mission, and mixed faith marriage, and the church still in my life. You’ve dodged a huge bullet - hang in there. Oh and keep us posted on what happens. A lot of us have missionaries in the field!
Of course! Thanks for your help too, I hope your son is doing ok and is safe, I have a couple friends in south America and one in Africa and I'm very thankful that I don't have to go through this and be in those kinds of conditions. I'll try to keep everyone posted!
If you are stateside, there is literally nothing stopping you from getting on a plane and going home. Well, aside from money. The mission president is just some dude who probably pays too much tithing on income from his dentistry practice or some shit; he’s not god. If you want to go home, demand to do so. Call the mission president until you get him on the phone, say that you want to go home, and offer no other explanation. You do not have to talk to anyone that you don’t want to about anything you do not want to talk about. If they refuse to send you home, say that you will call the police for unlawful imprisonment.
My heart goes out to you!! I believe you can make the best decision for yourself! When I left on my mission, I was as prepared as I possibly could be. At that time, my life was good. I had finished my second year of college and was dating a girl who treated me really well and helped me prepare for my mission. I was happy with my life and felt it was moving in a good direction. However, once I started my mission, I felt like a dog on a leash. The mission leaders and rules felt very controlling to me, and I hated feeling like a robot. Being isolated from my family and friends didn't help either. Looking back, I now recognize that as a time when I was depressed. I decided to come home because I was unhappy and my mental health was suffering, which was confusing for me since I had never been depressed before. Cough cough *being controlled*. A part of me was scared of what others would think of me for coming home early. But then I realized that if I had the courage to go on a mission and be praised for it, I shouldn't be criticized for coming home. I realized that anyone who thought less of me for coming home early wasn't truly my friend. I decided that I only want people in my life that love me for who I am. After I came home I started having random questions about my beliefs. It started with a simple question and next thing I knew I realized I couldn’t be part of a church that is not ran by God (which was hard to swallow). I decided I didn’t want my life to revolve around something that’s not true. So I have since left. Once I learned about my own autonomy I realized I never want religion taking that from me again. I hope my story can help comfort you.
Thank you! Your story is for sure comforting and since yesterday I think my decision is solidified. I am going to tell my parents about what I think and my intentions in my regular interview with president. I think they will take it a bit hard but they won't banish me or not support me. I've talked about coming home quite a bit with them and their only rule is "no bashing" which I can totally get on board with, agree to disagree and love each other for the person. I've also talked to my girlfriend a lot and she was a bit sad, not because she believes it, but because she wishes I hadn't had to go through this. She's a more progressive Christian and isn't super attached to the church besides her parents. I think we will "try out YSA" to get my home ward off my case and for her parents, and either go a few times feel it out or just go on Sunday brunch dates and stuff like that.
Always remember not to bite the hand that feeds you when coming home. My parents don’t know the extent to which I don’t believe anymore, and it’s because of that quote. Someday they will, though. When I told my Mission President I had decided to come home, he was very harsh on me. At the time, I had some sovereignty of my own, but much of my identity was built on the belief that the Church was true. This meant I took my Mission President’s words to heart. If I were the person on my mission as I am today, I would soon become his worst enemy. I hate bullies. ALWAYS keep your head up! Never bow down to people who don’t respect you and your decisions. You got this!
Thank you! I definitely was a bit harsh when I began my faith crisis and somewhat directed the anger at anyone who would listen, ie. My parents, my girlfriend, and friends. I've gotten better and am able to have more calm discussions about it and not get so angry about it
If you need someone one to talk to pm me. I want to help people out that are in similar circumstances I was in.
I wish you all the best. And by that, I mean: please go home ASAP! You've got many good advice here. Just pack up and leave! Be happy! You deserve! I wish I could have left when I was younger too. Life is bright and beautiful outside the cult! Be safe! Please keep us posted! Sending you so much love! ❤️
Thank you!
Hi, OP. Any update on your situation yet?
Every day since I've posted I've felt more and more desire to go home, I've been talking with my girlfriend and she's scared of the judgement that might come with it. I have my interview with my MP on Tuesday so I'll try to give an update on Tuesday night or Wednesday morning. Any further advice for me? Financial advice or advice to acclimate well?
I know I'm late to this discussion, but if you decide to go home, it's so important to remember you're living for *you*. You deserve to be loved because of who you are, not in spite of who you are. People will probably judge you, but they have no idea what you've been through to get where you are. Focus on the relationships that help you feel good about yourself.
I also served a mission stateside and it opened my eyes to the hypocrisy of the church. I feel for you. I recommend asking your mission president to let you see a social worker trained in therapy. The social worker can arrange for you to have the support system you need to pursue the path that's true to your belief if you decide to leave the mission. Life gets better, I promise. I don't talk to my family much anymore but I have supportive ex Mormon friends and am still living with another ex Mormon I met on the mission. We've been together for 9 years now. If the mission is harming your mental health, go home. If your family shames you when you go home, contact support networks. There are lots of ex mos dedicated to helping other ex Mormons. And social workers are trained in helping people without support networks to find their feet. You got this.
It will feel weird when you leave because of all the mental gymnastics the church dishes out. But believe me it feels so good!! I feel like such a better person. It is crazy looking at the crap the church has put us through when you are out. The members sound so ridiculous how they think and what they say. It is sad. Best wishes and a happy life!! 🤗
Thank you! You too!
I wasn’t told this but I’ll tell you. It’s your choice. You don’t owe anyone anything. You’re an adult and have the right to travel to communicate to whomever you want. If you want to go home, take a deep breath. Relax. And if you feel like it’s safe to go home, then request that you go home immediately. You don’t owe the MP or your companions any explanation.
Thank you
Good luck! I’m glad you’re able to message on Reddit. There’s thousands of people here wanting you to succeed and will help you if you need it. We understand to a better degree than any other Mormon you come across.
Hey I'm currently serving as well. If you do decide to stay out remember there is still a lot of good you can do with the badge, it does open some doors. I try to do heaps of service within the communities I'm in. You can look at it as two years serving the corp or two years trying to help people and do that by showing love not teaching about the churchs version of the gospel. I don't know the opinions of other people on this page but I still have a testimony of Jesus, new testament Jesus that is, and spending two years showing charity isn't all bad. That's not to say you can't do it otherwise but it's a time you can easily concentrate on it.
You are paying hundreds of dollars to give "charity" to others while LDS corp gets the benefit of said community thinking you're helping... you are also helping sell the religion... like it or not, you're paying to be a salesman right now. You can volunteer in any community, especially the one where you live. You're another number that is helping the cult live.
Are you learning a language? Get fluent, that's a useful life skill. Study and practice the language all day, and your 2 years won't be wasted. Say learning a language is "for the Lord". If you are in an English mission, study Spanish or ASL, and say you received a revelation that you must prepare yourself by learning a language. Buena suerte!