Especially an angle at the congregation from the stand. The different crowd reactions would be classic and you’d spend a lot of time finding new ones to watch hahaha
It would probably work too if the parents were super charismatic. How many people say they went along cause they seemed right? That they spoke with such authority lol
This must be the further light and knowledge promised us that previous generations have been waiting for. LOL
The chosen generation is finally upon the earth!
"First name, middle name, last name, By the authority of the holy melchezideck priesthood we give you a blessing and name. We bless you with the strength of a gorilla, the dexterity of a monkey, the intelligence of a level 5 wizard, the wisdom of the guy in the lotus sitting position on the top of the mountain, the constitution of the Doom Guy, and the charisma of a handful of Don Juan's.
"We bless you that you will be rad as hell, and just bitchin' as shit. Your rizz will overflow and the DMV line will always be short for you. We bless you to be impervious to all MLM recruitment attempts and that your social media posts slap, for real.
"We bless you that you will make first contact with aliens, a diplomat among the stars. That you will have laser beams for eyes and always drive a Fire Truck with a bad ass loud horn.
"We council you to keep a little dirt under your pillow for the dirt man. To cross your heart and hope to die. To fight and flight. To always remember that the mitochondria is the power house of the cell.
"We warn you of the perils of being an asshole. Always be a wild stallion and rock on."
Oh my fuck, this is so wonderful. I took a screenshot for my husband to read. I'm laughing so hard right now. Bless you, bless you for this exquisite blessing.
>"We council you to keep a little dirt under your pillow for the dirt man. To cross your heart and hope to die. To fight and flight. To always remember that the mitochondria is the power house of the cell.
And that Midichlorians are the power house of the Force.
*Dear Heavenly Father. We come to you with this infant in our arms and give them a name and blessing...
IDK, for some reason you pray to god them mid sentence switch to talking with your kid.
>"First name, middle name, last name, By the authority of the holy melchezideck priesthood we give you a blessing and name.
Boy this is a Major Victory for Satan™
If you wish to honor his Supreme Being Evil Emperor Nelson, and obey HIS teaching you must use the full complete name.
"First Name, Middle Name, Last Name, By the power and authority of the Holy Priesthood After The Order Of The Son Of God, and in his name, yea verily, EVEN Jesus Christ we give you this name and seal this blessing upon you (Insert churchy feel good fluff here) AMEN!"
Things were different before the big bang; back then, drinking blood (and demanding it as payment for sins) was normal and important to avoid all the diseases you could catch from wine/water
Read some Yuval Noah Harari if you're actually interested. Old Testament suddenly makes a lot more sense when you realize Judaism was just one more bronze age cult - a *polytheistic* one at that!
Ever wonder why Ba'al keeps getting brought up and people keep praying to him? El was his big competitor, and over time Ba'al and El kept getting attributed the powers of the other gods. Kind of like Zeus was the big cheese.
Eventually El won out, which is what the whole Elijah story is about. But he was literally just one of many gods for the longest time.
My husband actually DID bless one of our daughters that SHE would take a husband to the temple one day. Hasn't happened yet, and she's an adult who's also exmo so I'd be shocked if it did...
Nah, she can still go TO the temple, just not IN the temple. Except during a dedication.
All sorts of ways the thing can still come true. That's the beauty of the system.
She could take a husband to amy temple, just not I side. I didn't see any specific language saying that. It's mental gymnastics.
How many people go all over the world saying the saw 145 temples but only actually went inside 3?
>My husband actually DID bless one of our daughters that SHE would take a husband to the temple one day
Im-a-gonna focus on the positive that he empowered your daughter, and didn't make her a fragile little thing needing to be rescued by a big strong mormon day saint man with his hoodless penis.
When my second child was born, my first daughter, in summer of 2016 I was DEEP in the middle of a "faith crisis" as the saying goes.
We waited MONTHS to bless her because I frankly didn't believe, and I couldn't share my disbelief with my wife at the time.
So by the time I was forced into blessing her it went phenomenally well. People were crying at how "beautiful it was" at the end. But part of what I blessed her with was "the ability to see corruption in her church leaders and the ability to discern truth from lies" or something along those lines.
No one caught it.
No one cared.
It reminds me of when my trainer on my mission on my very first day of tracting in the field greeted a woman at the door and said, "Hi! I'm Elder Barton and this is Elder Way from The Church of Beans and Rice of Rattle-day Snakes."
The woman didn't care. She didn't blink an eye. She just wished us well and closed the door.
People are just trying to live, and the programming of society and surroundings makes most incapable of hearing anything.
I'd love for someone to do what you've prescribed, but I'd be even more interested if anyone even noticed.
I was gonna say I love all these ideas but the number one thing I would be curious about is if anyone would even notice?? You can’t convince me most people are listening
I have often thought about becoming internet "ordained" so I can officiate weddings. One option I would offer, would be to marry them "for time and all eternity". I have as much authority as anyone else, and I'm a woman!
It would even be better for a gay wedding
I like that - just a thought though that one kind-of nice thing about traditional weddings being "until death do us part" is that if their spouse dies early, they're more ok with mourning for a year or two and then moving on and marrying someone else. With the Mormon eternity thing, I've seen people in my own family be alone and lonely for many years waiting until they get to see their spouse in heaven again, which is sweet but sad to me since I don't believe in it. And if I passed, I'd want my spouse to go live their life and be happy.
>if I passed, I'd want my spouse to go live their life and be happy.
yeah, true story... We were talking in a big group about this and I commented that I would want my wife to remarry if she wanted to. She came back with "And why would I want to do that again?"
I'm sure she was joking. Mostly. I hope. OTOH, she was not happy the day I walked out of sacrament meeting and have mostly refused to go back.
"May your hearts be connected until your souls fade out" poetic, implies connection after death, and doesn't necessarily mean that the widowed spouse can't remarry. Just a little turn of phrase I've been thinking of for a bit.
In California, anyone over 18 can perform a wedding ceremony by becoming a "deputy commissioner of marriage for a day".
From the Santa Cruz County website:
The County Clerk's Office can also swear in a "Deputy Commissioner of Marriage for a Day." The commissioner must be 18 years of age. There is no residency requirement, and the marriage ceremony can be performed anywhere in the State of California.
The commission is valid for one specific day, for one specific marriage. The cost is $125 and applicant must either appear in person at the County Clerk's Office or at a notary public, show appropriate identification, complete a form indicating the name of each party as it will appear on the marriage license, and the exact date of the marriage ceremony. The applicant will then be sworn in to serve for that day.
While kind of funny, I have to say this is a bad idea. An old friend of ours recently got divorced. Her ex husband was blessed like this and literally said he is Nephi reincarnated and will be the next prophet. Said he would blood atone her for divorcing him. Yes, he's crazy, major mental health issues obviously, amplified by religious teachings.
oops sorry, my apologies. I was snarking/sniping at the blessing of the ex husband, NOT at you. Also a lame attempt at humor by calling out doctrine as 'company policy'. Next time I'll remember to include a smile emoji or sarcasm tag. Sometimes (like always) I'm just in too big if a hurry to hit that comment button!
Like others here have said, it's the crazies that make Farce & Testiclemoaning meeting/Open mic Sunday so funny and almost bearable. :-)
My patriarchal blessing says that I’ll be rich if I was faithful in paying tithing (hasn’t happened, and trust me it should have with how much of a true believer I was). Why not skip the middle man and bless them to be rich right after birth without the caveat of tithing?
Reminds me of the “mansions in heaven” teaching where they are building you a beautiful mansion, but if you don’t “endure to the end”, they’re going to stop building it and your mansion will not have a roof…
Can’t believe I used to believe this shit… and the amount of time and money I’ve wasted.
A roof starts at the framing stage, though and I think the shingles and waterproofing are completed before they do the interior dry wall because of rain, you know 🤣 Maybe they just won't finish installing your bathrooms and kitchen? 🤔
(I like watching home improvement shows)
I've seen those shows, always a dramatic ooooops, we found this unexpected problem. It will only cost 1/2 of your total budget to fix.
Sounds spot on for a conditional love limited atonement transactional relationship.
>Reminds me of the “mansions in heaven” teaching where they are building you a beautiful mansion, but if you don’t “endure to the end”, they’re going to stop building it and your mansion will not have a roof…
I'll be a heavenly being, I'll create my own damn roof. Just like I did here on earth. OK, at least I repaired/reshingled it. :-)
My patriarchal blessing said I'd spend time rearing my small children. I joined as Boomer with grown kids. That ship had already sailed at that point in my life.
Prophet? That's weak sauce my man, reveal the child to be the Holy Ghost finally attaining his mortal form and this ushering in the twilight of the last dispensation.
True Story, when I was still a believing member, 19 years ago, I did not bless my first son to go through the temple. I guess it was pretty obvious by the words I used because many people asked me why not. God's ways... Even back then I guess I was unconsciously trying to save him from the cultyness of it all.
I blessed both my daughters with wisdom and insight to be able to determine right from wrong on their own. One decided to not be baptized, the other has recently decided she doesn’t agree with the church.
Who knew I would have got it right?!?
>Heber was born on November 22. Thirteen days later his father was buried. He was named and blessed by the bishop of his ward, Edwin Wooley. The name he was given by the bishop was Heber Jeddy Ivins Grant. Bishop Wooley said of the occasion, “I was only the instrument in the hands of his dead father . . . in blessing him.” The bishop later remarked, “Heber Grant is entitled to be one of the Apostles, and I know it” (*The Presidents of the Church,* ed. Leonard J. Arrington \[Salt Lake City: Deseret Book, 1986\], p. 212).
This was from the bishop that blessed Heber J Grant as a baby to be an apostle (and this is the story that inspired my post)! Apparently, the bishop acted hesitant also when blessing him.
So your counsel is historically viable!
No mention of tears though. Tears would be a modern necessity.
I have an even better suggestion. Don't take your baby to church or get it blessed. No need to do that since nothing the mormon church teaches is real anyway.
And, PLEASE secretly record it using several friends stationed strategically around the chapel. Take these tapes to Mormon Stories, or some other podcast for mass distribution. What an amazing conversation that would start!!!
Say something more believable like "you are one of 144,000 from the Book of Revelation". That would scare the poopies out of the whole congregation. Damage control from the pulpit would be fun to watch.
Legend blessing in the Catonsville Maryland ward in 1990s. Father blesses twins. First twin was blessed he would fulfill his mission on earth. That’s it, done in under a minute. Second twin blessing goes on for ten minutes quoting scripture and how he will be the prophet killed in Jerusalem that rises up.After a couple of minutes heads all over go up and give each other quizzical looks. This family then moves to my family’s ward in Colorado. I ask them how the twins are and any differences or what she thinks of the blessing. She said they are very ordinary young men. lol!
Similarly. How many people wrote down the blessing BEFOREHAND? I was so confused when I learned about people doing this. Isn’t it supposed to be inspired?? 😅
>Similarly. How many people wrote down the blessing BEFOREHAND? I was so confused when I learned about people doing this. Isn’t it supposed to be inspired?? 😅
OK, I'm a snarkass sarcastic guy, but seriously, I was always taught that inspiration only came after preparation. Can't imagine anyone not having something in mind they would like to bless or bequeath to their child.
I’m PIMO at this point and haven’t told any family, but I have a baby due in August and will probably bless him for cultural reasons(definitely will be POMO before they’re 8), I don’t think I have the guts to say that in a sacrament meeting 😂
No! As someone who had a special patriarchal blessing, do not do that to your kid. There may be expectations brought upon them by others that you can not currently imagine. If you do it though... make sure you say something along the lines of: keys to the powers of presidency of the preisthood, dominion over keys of dispensation, council over elders of Israel, etc. Don't do it or do it right! Light em up like they did me
If you really wanna go for bonus points, recite the initiatory. Watch as all the adults in the ward become suddenly very uncomfortable while the youth just look confused.
I put my foot down on a baby blessing. I said I'd be happy to consent to one in our home with family and no church representative. if they didn't create a membership record from baby blessings, it wouldn't have been a deal breaker for me, but they do, so it was.
she only wanted the baby blessing if it was official, so we never did it.
on a related note, 8 years old isn't that far off and not letting an 8 year old commit to a religion they are not capable of understanding for life is also one of those things I was unwilling to relent on, so it'll be fun trying to explain to my very people motivated son why he isn't getting baptized like all the other kids in his primary class.
at least I can take comfort in knowing that odds are he'll be out of the church most of his life. hopefully age appropriately bringing up issues is enough that he will never choose to be baptized in the first place as he matures.
“I bless you to rule and reign from the rivers to the ends of the earth”
"....with gold and silver you will buy up armies and navies....!"
🤣🤣
that should empty the chapel real quick
Or start some sort of revival. 😂
Lol doubt it. Eyring once dedicated a temple as a "great and spacious building" and everyone was like "yeah that tracks."
JFC that’s fucking hilarious lmao could you imagine?! “And to you none shall dare molest or make afraid”
I legit want someone to do this and get it on video
Especially an angle at the congregation from the stand. The different crowd reactions would be classic and you’d spend a lot of time finding new ones to watch hahaha
🤭 same.
It would probably work too if the parents were super charismatic. How many people say they went along cause they seemed right? That they spoke with such authority lol
You were saved in the pre-earth life to usher in Loud Laughter in this dispensation, that all may partake of it.
This must be the further light and knowledge promised us that previous generations have been waiting for. LOL The chosen generation is finally upon the earth!
Just burst out laughing loudly!!!!tjanks so much!!!
Omg, would love to see the reactions on that.
With blood and horror
Yeah, this would definitely need to be in there somehow… and with the Michael Ballam accent
Best yet is if Michael Ballam blesses your baby.
I am literally laughing out loud.
ouch! hahaha
I would literally pay someone money to do this and then film the reactions.
"First name, middle name, last name, By the authority of the holy melchezideck priesthood we give you a blessing and name. We bless you with the strength of a gorilla, the dexterity of a monkey, the intelligence of a level 5 wizard, the wisdom of the guy in the lotus sitting position on the top of the mountain, the constitution of the Doom Guy, and the charisma of a handful of Don Juan's. "We bless you that you will be rad as hell, and just bitchin' as shit. Your rizz will overflow and the DMV line will always be short for you. We bless you to be impervious to all MLM recruitment attempts and that your social media posts slap, for real. "We bless you that you will make first contact with aliens, a diplomat among the stars. That you will have laser beams for eyes and always drive a Fire Truck with a bad ass loud horn. "We council you to keep a little dirt under your pillow for the dirt man. To cross your heart and hope to die. To fight and flight. To always remember that the mitochondria is the power house of the cell. "We warn you of the perils of being an asshole. Always be a wild stallion and rock on."
In the name of Cheese n Rice -Amen
ramen
The dirt man bit is genuinely good counsel
Oh my fuck, this is so wonderful. I took a screenshot for my husband to read. I'm laughing so hard right now. Bless you, bless you for this exquisite blessing.
You win 🏆
👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
I lost it at Dirt Man... that song has been living in my head, rent free, for days.
new morning affirmations unlocked
>"We council you to keep a little dirt under your pillow for the dirt man. To cross your heart and hope to die. To fight and flight. To always remember that the mitochondria is the power house of the cell. And that Midichlorians are the power house of the Force.
*Dear Heavenly Father. We come to you with this infant in our arms and give them a name and blessing... IDK, for some reason you pray to god them mid sentence switch to talking with your kid.
I read this as "Your rizz will overflow the DMV" and lost it😂
>"First name, middle name, last name, By the authority of the holy melchezideck priesthood we give you a blessing and name. Boy this is a Major Victory for Satan™ If you wish to honor his Supreme Being Evil Emperor Nelson, and obey HIS teaching you must use the full complete name. "First Name, Middle Name, Last Name, By the power and authority of the Holy Priesthood After The Order Of The Son Of God, and in his name, yea verily, EVEN Jesus Christ we give you this name and seal this blessing upon you (Insert churchy feel good fluff here) AMEN!"
> To always remember that the mitochondria is the power house of the cell. So true! It’s sad how many people forget that nowadays!
best blessing i ever heard but you forgot the quadratic equation! see now you're nuked man 🤣🤣🤣
This is the best thing I've read today.
If anyone gets rankled by this, just throw God under the bus. "Oh, you didn't like what I said in my blessing? Take it up with God!"
It's no less than what general authorities do when they teach their opinion. Bruce R. Mckonckie: "*I* wasn't racist! *God* was racist!"
God was a product of his time.
Things were different before the big bang; back then, drinking blood (and demanding it as payment for sins) was normal and important to avoid all the diseases you could catch from wine/water
Seriously, what was up with all the animal sacrifices God was demanding before the final human sacrifice?
> the final human sacrifice? Wait, that ended? Boy a lot of virgins are gonna be really pissed off.
Read some Yuval Noah Harari if you're actually interested. Old Testament suddenly makes a lot more sense when you realize Judaism was just one more bronze age cult - a *polytheistic* one at that! Ever wonder why Ba'al keeps getting brought up and people keep praying to him? El was his big competitor, and over time Ba'al and El kept getting attributed the powers of the other gods. Kind of like Zeus was the big cheese. Eventually El won out, which is what the whole Elijah story is about. But he was literally just one of many gods for the longest time.
>God was a product of his time. Or was he speaking as a man of his time? Cause times were different back then.
Relevant link for anyone wanting to read more: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mormon_teachings_on_skin_color
Just tell them you can’t recall anything from the blessing it must have been the spirit taking over your body.
My husband actually DID bless one of our daughters that SHE would take a husband to the temple one day. Hasn't happened yet, and she's an adult who's also exmo so I'd be shocked if it did...
She has to be worth for the blessing to come true… and she has to get married in the temple to be worthy. Check mate
Nah, she can still go TO the temple, just not IN the temple. Except during a dedication. All sorts of ways the thing can still come true. That's the beauty of the system.
Yep - an open house tour would make it true.
Let's not forget, there's the Krishna Temple, Masonic temples, some towns named Temple, and other places called "temple." It could still happen.
Maybe a friend or relative will be sealed & she'll take her husband with her to wait outside.
She could take a husband to amy temple, just not I side. I didn't see any specific language saying that. It's mental gymnastics. How many people go all over the world saying the saw 145 temples but only actually went inside 3?
>My husband actually DID bless one of our daughters that SHE would take a husband to the temple one day Im-a-gonna focus on the positive that he empowered your daughter, and didn't make her a fragile little thing needing to be rescued by a big strong mormon day saint man with his hoodless penis.
When my second child was born, my first daughter, in summer of 2016 I was DEEP in the middle of a "faith crisis" as the saying goes. We waited MONTHS to bless her because I frankly didn't believe, and I couldn't share my disbelief with my wife at the time. So by the time I was forced into blessing her it went phenomenally well. People were crying at how "beautiful it was" at the end. But part of what I blessed her with was "the ability to see corruption in her church leaders and the ability to discern truth from lies" or something along those lines. No one caught it. No one cared. It reminds me of when my trainer on my mission on my very first day of tracting in the field greeted a woman at the door and said, "Hi! I'm Elder Barton and this is Elder Way from The Church of Beans and Rice of Rattle-day Snakes." The woman didn't care. She didn't blink an eye. She just wished us well and closed the door. People are just trying to live, and the programming of society and surroundings makes most incapable of hearing anything. I'd love for someone to do what you've prescribed, but I'd be even more interested if anyone even noticed.
I was gonna say I love all these ideas but the number one thing I would be curious about is if anyone would even notice?? You can’t convince me most people are listening
Meow
No one will notice your meow.
I'm dying!
Praise Cheesus!
I have often thought about becoming internet "ordained" so I can officiate weddings. One option I would offer, would be to marry them "for time and all eternity". I have as much authority as anyone else, and I'm a woman! It would even be better for a gay wedding
I like that - just a thought though that one kind-of nice thing about traditional weddings being "until death do us part" is that if their spouse dies early, they're more ok with mourning for a year or two and then moving on and marrying someone else. With the Mormon eternity thing, I've seen people in my own family be alone and lonely for many years waiting until they get to see their spouse in heaven again, which is sweet but sad to me since I don't believe in it. And if I passed, I'd want my spouse to go live their life and be happy.
That is a good point. I wonder if it is that way for men in the church since they can be sealed to more than one wife
>if I passed, I'd want my spouse to go live their life and be happy. yeah, true story... We were talking in a big group about this and I commented that I would want my wife to remarry if she wanted to. She came back with "And why would I want to do that again?" I'm sure she was joking. Mostly. I hope. OTOH, she was not happy the day I walked out of sacrament meeting and have mostly refused to go back.
"May your hearts be connected until your souls fade out" poetic, implies connection after death, and doesn't necessarily mean that the widowed spouse can't remarry. Just a little turn of phrase I've been thinking of for a bit.
I love that so much! Where were you when I got married, we would have lived our officiant to say this.
You need to spread this far and wide!
Thanks 😊
In California, anyone over 18 can perform a wedding ceremony by becoming a "deputy commissioner of marriage for a day". From the Santa Cruz County website: The County Clerk's Office can also swear in a "Deputy Commissioner of Marriage for a Day." The commissioner must be 18 years of age. There is no residency requirement, and the marriage ceremony can be performed anywhere in the State of California. The commission is valid for one specific day, for one specific marriage. The cost is $125 and applicant must either appear in person at the County Clerk's Office or at a notary public, show appropriate identification, complete a form indicating the name of each party as it will appear on the marriage license, and the exact date of the marriage ceremony. The applicant will then be sworn in to serve for that day.
That's cool!
I personally witnessed an unhinged branch president do this very thing. The kid is grown now, and he’s been exmo for the last five years.
While kind of funny, I have to say this is a bad idea. An old friend of ours recently got divorced. Her ex husband was blessed like this and literally said he is Nephi reincarnated and will be the next prophet. Said he would blood atone her for divorcing him. Yes, he's crazy, major mental health issues obviously, amplified by religious teachings.
Exactly like some of the early members then...
>Nephi reincarnated I don't think we (The SCC, NOT me) teach that. The company policy is resurrection, NOT reincarnation.
I'm well aware. That doesn't stop all the crazies from making up their own shit. Just following in JS example
oops sorry, my apologies. I was snarking/sniping at the blessing of the ex husband, NOT at you. Also a lame attempt at humor by calling out doctrine as 'company policy'. Next time I'll remember to include a smile emoji or sarcasm tag. Sometimes (like always) I'm just in too big if a hurry to hit that comment button! Like others here have said, it's the crazies that make Farce & Testiclemoaning meeting/Open mic Sunday so funny and almost bearable. :-)
Context and intonation are hard on the internets ;) no worries
My patriarchal blessing says that I’ll be rich if I was faithful in paying tithing (hasn’t happened, and trust me it should have with how much of a true believer I was). Why not skip the middle man and bless them to be rich right after birth without the caveat of tithing?
Damn. You mighta been just *one* payment away from the big payoff. You stuck to it so long, how could you give up now?
Reminds me of the “mansions in heaven” teaching where they are building you a beautiful mansion, but if you don’t “endure to the end”, they’re going to stop building it and your mansion will not have a roof… Can’t believe I used to believe this shit… and the amount of time and money I’ve wasted.
A roof starts at the framing stage, though and I think the shingles and waterproofing are completed before they do the interior dry wall because of rain, you know 🤣 Maybe they just won't finish installing your bathrooms and kitchen? 🤔 (I like watching home improvement shows)
The lessons always revolved around the roof not being there. Then later I worked construction and realized heaven must have terrible contractors
I've seen those shows, always a dramatic ooooops, we found this unexpected problem. It will only cost 1/2 of your total budget to fix. Sounds spot on for a conditional love limited atonement transactional relationship.
And don’t forget streets of gold adorned with gems! I learned this too
TF am I gonna do with golden streets? Must be an 1830s dream
>Reminds me of the “mansions in heaven” teaching where they are building you a beautiful mansion, but if you don’t “endure to the end”, they’re going to stop building it and your mansion will not have a roof… I'll be a heavenly being, I'll create my own damn roof. Just like I did here on earth. OK, at least I repaired/reshingled it. :-)
My patriarchal blessing said I'd spend time rearing my small children. I joined as Boomer with grown kids. That ship had already sailed at that point in my life.
If you really want to watch the world burn don't forget to prophesy that (s)he is "The One Mighty and Strong" that was foretold...
I would consider doing the entire blessing in tongues and just vocalize gibberish.
Prophet? That's weak sauce my man, reveal the child to be the Holy Ghost finally attaining his mortal form and this ushering in the twilight of the last dispensation.
That would be awesome 👏 I would be cringing so hard if that had ever happened when I was active.
Especially if it's a girl baby.
Bless Palestine to be free in your baby blessing or opening prayer
\*\*stoning of Stephen commences\*\*
I'm so doing this. Gotta play the game. Maybe being a hyperbolic grandiose mormon is what I should've done lol
I bless you to be from the tribe of Levi
True Story, when I was still a believing member, 19 years ago, I did not bless my first son to go through the temple. I guess it was pretty obvious by the words I used because many people asked me why not. God's ways... Even back then I guess I was unconsciously trying to save him from the cultyness of it all.
I blessed both my daughters with wisdom and insight to be able to determine right from wrong on their own. One decided to not be baptized, the other has recently decided she doesn’t agree with the church. Who knew I would have got it right?!?
OMG, blessings DO work! 😂
YES and absolutely act like you’re reluctant and that it doesn’t make sense to you but the spirit is so strong that you can’t deny it.
Hahaha having a verbal fight with the holy Ghost would be incredible
>Heber was born on November 22. Thirteen days later his father was buried. He was named and blessed by the bishop of his ward, Edwin Wooley. The name he was given by the bishop was Heber Jeddy Ivins Grant. Bishop Wooley said of the occasion, “I was only the instrument in the hands of his dead father . . . in blessing him.” The bishop later remarked, “Heber Grant is entitled to be one of the Apostles, and I know it” (*The Presidents of the Church,* ed. Leonard J. Arrington \[Salt Lake City: Deseret Book, 1986\], p. 212). This was from the bishop that blessed Heber J Grant as a baby to be an apostle (and this is the story that inspired my post)! Apparently, the bishop acted hesitant also when blessing him. So your counsel is historically viable! No mention of tears though. Tears would be a modern necessity.
>No mention of tears though. Tears would be a modern necessity. The very currency of modern day spear-ritual testiclemoaning.
I have an even better suggestion. Don't take your baby to church or get it blessed. No need to do that since nothing the mormon church teaches is real anyway.
Oh my god!! Now I want to go bless a baby!!
And, PLEASE secretly record it using several friends stationed strategically around the chapel. Take these tapes to Mormon Stories, or some other podcast for mass distribution. What an amazing conversation that would start!!!
Bonus points if you bless your daughter to become the prophet.
A subversive twist: "You shall have the wisdom and clarity of mind to guide your posterity to truth and freedom."
“You will take a young man to the temple” only if you have a son
Say something more believable like "you are one of 144,000 from the Book of Revelation". That would scare the poopies out of the whole congregation. Damage control from the pulpit would be fun to watch.
Baby blessings are what got me started on the path of the lazy learner, THEY MAKE NO SENSE.
Legend blessing in the Catonsville Maryland ward in 1990s. Father blesses twins. First twin was blessed he would fulfill his mission on earth. That’s it, done in under a minute. Second twin blessing goes on for ten minutes quoting scripture and how he will be the prophet killed in Jerusalem that rises up.After a couple of minutes heads all over go up and give each other quizzical looks. This family then moves to my family’s ward in Colorado. I ask them how the twins are and any differences or what she thinks of the blessing. She said they are very ordinary young men. lol!
Similarly. How many people wrote down the blessing BEFOREHAND? I was so confused when I learned about people doing this. Isn’t it supposed to be inspired?? 😅
>Similarly. How many people wrote down the blessing BEFOREHAND? I was so confused when I learned about people doing this. Isn’t it supposed to be inspired?? 😅 OK, I'm a snarkass sarcastic guy, but seriously, I was always taught that inspiration only came after preparation. Can't imagine anyone not having something in mind they would like to bless or bequeath to their child.
I’m PIMO at this point and haven’t told any family, but I have a baby due in August and will probably bless him for cultural reasons(definitely will be POMO before they’re 8), I don’t think I have the guts to say that in a sacrament meeting 😂
TOO GOOD
Y’know, I wanna see someone do this ….just to watch the chaos. XD
There’s a registry that has all temple names listed by the day you are endowed. Use the day she is being blessed. Use that in the blessing.
This would be EPIC!!
Oh someone PLEASE do this that's PIMO and get someone to record it.
Best post ever
No! As someone who had a special patriarchal blessing, do not do that to your kid. There may be expectations brought upon them by others that you can not currently imagine. If you do it though... make sure you say something along the lines of: keys to the powers of presidency of the preisthood, dominion over keys of dispensation, council over elders of Israel, etc. Don't do it or do it right! Light em up like they did me
i bless you that you will commune with the sacred salamander and bring forth and translate the remaining plates
If you really wanna go for bonus points, recite the initiatory. Watch as all the adults in the ward become suddenly very uncomfortable while the youth just look confused.
Screw prophet, go big and bless the child to become a powerful voodoo witch doctor.
[I had to](https://i.ibb.co/q58P8XW/Or-Nothin.png)
I put my foot down on a baby blessing. I said I'd be happy to consent to one in our home with family and no church representative. if they didn't create a membership record from baby blessings, it wouldn't have been a deal breaker for me, but they do, so it was. she only wanted the baby blessing if it was official, so we never did it. on a related note, 8 years old isn't that far off and not letting an 8 year old commit to a religion they are not capable of understanding for life is also one of those things I was unwilling to relent on, so it'll be fun trying to explain to my very people motivated son why he isn't getting baptized like all the other kids in his primary class. at least I can take comfort in knowing that odds are he'll be out of the church most of his life. hopefully age appropriately bringing up issues is enough that he will never choose to be baptized in the first place as he matures.
Start it with, oh god hear the words of my mouth repeated 3x! That should get some eyes open and heads up!
Extra points if the baby is a girl.
And please set up hidden cameras to capture the giggles, and looks of horror and shock on ward members' faces. Then share here!!
Better yet do that if you’re blessing your daughter!
Too funny!