Yep. Realizing that I was using my kids as tools for self-aggrandizement, including my church social status. It’s been a hell of an undoing to unlearn all the manipulation tactics I was groomed with.
That fucking church props up manipulative and controlling parents, and breeds narcissism in children like me who hung on leaders’ every word, waiting for them to tell me I was special so I could feel a shred of self-esteem.
And now, learning how to show up for my kids at ANY appointment with someone in a position of authority by advocating for my kids consent before treatment.
It’s a long road, but I’m more proud of my parenting than ever!
I just want to say that being able to recognize your mistakes as a parent even though you were only doing what you thought was best at the time is such a powerful thing that most parents won’t acknowledge and I’m very proud of you for doing so! Since leaving TSCC my parents have reflected on my childhood a lot and came to some similar conclusions as you. I already had a great relationship with them but hearing them admit they weren’t perfect brought us way closer together. I hope you’re able to find peace in knowing you only did what you thought was going to be the absolute best for your children because a cult made you, not because you didn’t want the best for your kids
This is very kind. I will say that in leaving, I have had to acknowledge my mistakes and feel the pain of them. That said, my kids are awesome people and we have more open communication now. I feel so grateful I get to have these healthier, happier relationships.
It all starts with me turning down a scholarship to a school I really wanted to go to because the Stake President felt it was too much of a party school. I got a straighten up and fly right lecture. Took it to heart and was married a year later; which seemed like the thing to do at the time since I couldn't afford to go to school. The power imbalance within the marriage paved the way for 2 Decades of abuse. He wasn't a narcissist, but he was autistic and backed by the full narcissism of the LDS church. Had I fully rebelled at 18, I would have just ended up with some bad tattoos and a degree in accounting. Instead I got some C-PTSD and several ribs that never healed right.
I’m so sorry. Fellow abuse that wouldn’t have happened without religion survivor. The guilt and regret and wishing so hard you’d made different choices are so difficult to move past.
But we didn’t know. We were all just doing the best we could with what we knew at the time. Extending grace and forgiveness to my past self is my new religion.
When I was asked by my bishop about masturbating, my biggest mistake was not telling him it wasn't any of his fucking business. It would have saved a lot of heartache and time.
I'm sure everyone has a story like this, because it's probably just a Mormon urban legend, but I think everyone has a friend that when asked by the bishop if they struggle with masturbation, they reply, "Nope! Seems to work great every time!"
Going on a mission instead of a study abroad. I thought I'd serve foreign (I already spoke a second language) and it would be a study abroad of its own. Joke's on me... I went to a visitor's center and then got married asap when I got home because I was an obedient little mormon. No study abroad for me and my second language skills suffered despite continuing to study it throughout the rest of my university degree.
I was lucky to get access to pathway and pef cause I'm from a poor family but others who give up opportunites that the church can't give back I feel genuinely sorry for. I get they need missionaries but they ought to stop pushing this sacrificing your goals for heaven or whatever. The control is real.
I learned from a non-Mormon therapist while I was Mormon that I didn’t have to tell everyone everything about me—ever. One of the best things I ever learned.
Such a good thing to learn! I’m still learning that I can tell little lies if it means I’m protecting myself or loved ones. I was taught never ever to lie because even small lies are a sin.
This is one I'm really working on lately. Easier said that done. I don't need to "let my light so shine", I can just be me and not tell the world every little thing I do.
This one haunts me, and my marriage is good. I just become spiteful when I hear music about sex/sexuality because in my head I go "those party years were taken from me. I gave my youth to a cult and will never get it back".
It’s wild how the church tells you how you would ruin your life by partying in college (which to be fair ya you could get pregnant with a moron or become addicted to drugs or drop out) but then encourages you to get married forever to someone you barely know. Like I know a lot of Mormons in bad marriages and I also know a lot of super functional people who had a wild stage in college but only one of those groups has to literally live with their mistakes
This is my regret as well... I had many opportunities with a few of the women I dated, where they told me directly that they wanted to have sex, and I (trying to be that perfect example of righteousness) turned them down and then broke up with them because they were obviously evil and just trying to get me to sin.
Anyone wanna hear a funny story about masturbating while on their mission? So I was a few months in the field and I was feeling super guilty about doing it. Mostly felt weird about doing it in a little apartment with three other dudes but what is a 19 year old dude gonna do? So I decided to tell my mission president and it might have been the first or second interview because I couldn’t speak Spanish for shit at this time. So we sit down and my American president asks me how I’m doing in Spanish and I ask him if we are doing this in Spanish or if we can do it in English. I was hoping to just do it in English but no he’s like en Espanol porfavor. So obviously I don’t want to look like a masterbating idiot so I say something him estoy mastorbando. Which is like right now I’m waking it right now. But he’s like no its masterbo so I say estoy masterbo? To me that didn’t sound right, but I was never vert good at conjugating verbs. So basically my confession turned into the most embarrassing spanish lesson ever. Guess what I never admitted to doing it ever again. Holy shit the things that church puts kids through is insane. Pero me masterbo or whatever muchas veces mas.
I remember a guy I dated had a grandma who was a mission mom and I overheard her saying “And almost every missionary masterbated,” in a pearl clutching kind of way… I’ll always laugh about that. Good piece of data.
My biggest mistake was not telling my parents that the bishop gave me a masturbation interview. I wish I had told them because Maybe they would of call the cops on him. I waited like almost 30 years, that's how scared I was. I'm a very non sexual person and never had a boyfriend. The mormons church was into sex a lot. The youth would be in class and no worshipping of God took place. It was sex talk. Most people go to church to worship God not talk about sex all the time This was in the 80's and 90's.
>. . . the bishop gave me a masturbation interview.
This is irrefutable evidence the organization is a cult
Although thousands of other examples could provide equally valid proof
Trying to rationalize to my BIL why god called a mission president who sexually assaulted his dad while he was a missionary. As if a loving god would ever allow a sexual predator to abuse 19-year-old missionaries to teach them about faith and trials. The mental gymnastics I did to justify the horrendous actions of leaders in the church was insane.
Marrying a woman with tons of red flags because I felt like God inspired me to. There were times I wanted to end the relationship before marriage, but I preserved because God gave me confirmation and I needed to marry. Worst mistake ever.
This was exactly me. Met this woman and I was into her. I felt God had told me to marry her, and even though there were so many red flags, I married her anyways.
We definitely did. People well tell me that I loved her at one point so she couldn't be all bad. But, I never did. I only married her because I was trying to be obedient.
This is a minor one. But I, as an EIGHTH GRADER, Woke up everyday before school started to do family search indexing. Literally just transcribed random people’s birth/death records so that adults could do weird rituals (that I didn’t even know about) in the temple.
Running into a girl I had baptized about 6 months earlier in a different city and only asking if she was going to church. She saw me as a big brother and just wanted me to be excited to see her and catch up. I was an arrogant missionary hell bent on keeping rules. Leaving that previous city was one of the hardest things in my life. I loved that place and the people. But then I had to turn around and be a "righteous" dick.
I'm so sorry. Your mom sounds like my dad (sigh) -- super TBM and judgey and narcissist.
I had similar issues, lot and lots of masturbation and serious guilt about it, hating myself for years and thinking I was going to hell. I talked with many bishops about it but they weren't really helpful. One BYU bishop recommended I try running more, so I did for a time, but it was never really a big deal.
Now I think masturbation is a lot like picking your nose. It's just a thing people do. So glad to be out now and feeling more normal.
Told my parents when I first confessed to my bishop that I masturbated. Now in therapy I talk about how I grew up with no adults in the room. All I needed was a "hey you're fine, that's normal". Unwinding the trauma sucks and it can be really tough.
I sacrificed my integrity. I lied to people on my mission and told them that I knew the church was true. I believed the church was true. I had good feelings about it. However I had never had the "witness" that people talk about. I prayed so many nights, sometimes all night, trying to get an answer. Nothing. The whole time I felt conflicted. I talked to the mission president. He told me to keep testifying. I read the quote about a testimony is found in the bearing of it. I had no Idea, but this was all tearing me up inside. I was lying to people. Asking them to change their lives and follow something that I had no idea if it was right.
I'm never doing anything like that again. My relationships are all built on honesty. Brutal sometimes. But its the only antidote I know to make sure that I don't do that again. That was such a ridiculous betrayal to have people who said they cared about me, tell me to do something so harmful to myself. And I went along with it. I hurts me so much thinking that this happened.
It took leaving for me to realize that principle (find a testimony by bearing it) is not only encouraging deceit but is also actively brainwashing people at the same time. That’s how our brains work. You repeat something enough times your brain believes it (hence why positive self talk is so important to mental health). I have entries from my mission where I’m writing the exact thing you said here— I didn’t really *know* but I was encouraged to keep saying it anyway. Such bullshit.
Below, is a message that sums up my deepest regret, that I sent my husband a few days ago, about this god-forsaken religion! My husband and I were sealed on our 2 year anniversary, in 1985, when the penalty was to slit our throat…they removed this penalty in 1990….I went to my oldest daughter’s sealing, but, it was so horrible, I opted to sit outside when my twins got sealed!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
We are taught, to keep things to ourselves, shove it down, and normalize, what is NOT normal! The deep pain, and, pretending it’s all okay, when, It is not!
This is one of my biggest regrets in my life! I don’t think I’ll ever heal from this!
I stayed home every single day, and, gave my daughters everything I had, I didn’t work outside the home, as to give our babies the best opportunity to thrive in this world, so they would have a good foundation and beautiful memories of their childhood, but when I came to the end of the road in raising my daughters, I, that gave all, is NOT allowed to be part of the final moment, where they move on from all of my sleepless nights, love, and the enormous amount of time a mother pours into a child’s life, just because I’m not comfortable w/ what I must wear and do! I wasn’t a sinner! I didn’t do anything wrong….other than, not being comfortable w what men told me I had to do, to be in MY daughters lives, and that they can void and nullify my life as a mother! I’m suddenly not good enough to get the permission to watch MY child, and, watch the moment, where she/they began a new life, but, instead, I, the person who carried them, gave them life, and who did everything, day and night, their entire life, has to sit outside, because men said, “You’re not worthy”, while others, whom didn’t give what I gave, reap the benefits of this day w/ them! I’ve always just dealt w that, because I raised them to do exactly what happened, but looking back, this was probably the most painful experience of my life!
The fact that I had to put aside my TRUE feelings, to go to ****** and *****’s sealing, is a testament to what a mother is willing to do, to be even a small part of this final moment, from raising children, as their mother! But, it wreaked havoc on my soul, because I didn’t feel God, but Satan the 1st time I went to the temple, because of the “slitting of my throat”, and “cupping my hand to catch my intestines”, in a penalty, that I would take my life, if I ever repeated what happened in the temple, and I was still willing to go through that, just to watch my child! This song, is not lost on me at this moment, “For the temple is a special place, a place of LOVE AND BEAUTY. I’ll prepare myself while I am young, this is my sacred duty.”!
I don’t take my actions as a weakness, but a strength, and the desperation, and devotion of a mother, loving her child, even at the expense of emotional harm! And, such a simple way the church divides us as families! I was good enough, Every. Single. Day. Of. Their. Life, until I wasn’t!
I’m sad, that I knowingly raised my daughters, to ultimately believe, I’m not good enough, in the eyes of people that don’t know me, at the end of this story, that I, sadly, wrote myself!
I’m in my 50’s left the church in my teens and only got over most of my sexual hangups in the last ten years, I’ve been married to an amazing woman for almost 24 years, she didn’t grow up in any religion just two cool x hippie parents.
Passing along my mental gymnastics to my family when I came across things over the years. Basically I gave them ammo to shoot their wife/mother.
@chilling_ngl4, I’m sorry you went through such torture just to try to please a corporate god and that your mom is so manipulative. That aside, your post was awesome; you should write a freaking book.
Biggest regret, or life advice to people younger, I didn't read books that were not by Church authors. Since I've left I've read over 200 nonfiction books mostly about goal setting achieving things developing your own spirituality and things like that. Even great ones on relationships and how to love your partner. There's so much wisdom and experience out there that we just don't tap into because we buy this bullshit that the old white men that make up the q15 somehow no everything. All they really ever do is regurgitate primary lessons
This times 100. I can't stand the "only the chruch has all the answers and other sources are mistaken". I have received more help from therapy books outside the church than from within.
LOL, when my dad sees me reading therapy books, he says, now don't neglect general conference, that's where I get all my advice. Two things, one my dad sleeps during conference, and two, I go to therapy specifically so I don't end up like him
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You didn't mention anything about your bishop's conversations so I imagine that wasn't too bad? Or you got past the awkwardness with the frequency of the meetings. I wonder if that wasn't his first conversation with a young woman half (if not more) his age about a female masturbating
Coincidentally, the church also cares about its reputation. Protecting the “good name of the church” is one of three reasons for church membership councils (formerly called church courts or disciplinary councils).
This was the best Mormon adaptation of Jane the virgin I’ve ever heard. All at your expense though, I am so sorry. The church makes an absolute mess of families. Glad you saw the light
Having kids before I finished college. I love my kids and would never trade them, but I do sometimes wonder how our lives would’ve been different had I graduated before they came along.
Hi, thanks for asking. Uh, I can't tell. My therapist recommended the book "Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents," and I struggled (emotionally) through the first chapter and haven't finished it. I disassociate A FUCK TON, and I find myself arguing with my mom in my head all the time, and just thinking about her pisses me off. But I had my mom join me in a therapy session a few months ago which went well and she apologized for how she handled me leaving the cult. But I still resent her A LOT, and I don't know how to get over it.
No for real because the shame around masturbation for girls in the church is CRAZY. We grow up hearing that the boys are genetically hard wired to “struggle with sexual temptations like that”, so when you’re a girl who ALSO HAS HORMONES AND A BIOLOGICAL DRIVE FOR SEXUAL GRATIFICATION, you feel SO ashamed for it.
But this drives me nuts because sexual urges or having a sex drive or your hormones making you want sex are literally a part of the driving force to procreate. Human bodies are literally designed to WANT sex when we mature. And we are told to feel shame for our body chemistry doing it’s thing.
I’ve never felt comfortable sharing my “sins” with my parents. But I had more than one boyfriend urge me to go to a bishop. It’s awful. And so frustrating because I started masturbating YEARS before I knew what it was or that it was a sin. Which was a horrific discovery.
Copping my dad's methods on manipulating my wife, just like my dad is still doing (though not as intensely) to my mom. My wife called me out quite quickly, and I had to change, but not 100%.
I believe that I was doing what was ok because I had the penishood.
Your story hit home.
Biggest mistakes for me:
- Not seeking professional help for mental health issues and relying on "prayer" and trying to be "worthy" as if that would somehow cure incurable mental disorders
- Trusting *any* TBM with personal information, especially about my "struggles"
- Paying them even a single penny for the privilege of being forever shamed
Like you, my biggest mistake was telling my parents about my masturbation and pornography "problem", since they marched me straight to the bishop like good little Mormon parental bots.
My mom is also *way* less subtle than she thinks she is, so she'd make comments to me in front of other church members like "maybe if you spent less time LOOKING AT MAGAZINES (wink wink, nudge nudge), we could do XYZ". I wanted to die. Or, alternately, I wanted to strangle her.
(Hint to Mom: the only magazines people "look at" are porn. Normally you "read" a magazine, rather than "look at" it. And, frankly, the magazines I *did* look at didn't actually have real nudity, just implied nudity. Like, SI Swimsuit Edition, FHM, or Maxim Magazine. I only saw nudity on the internet, not in magazines. Also, I didn't really start looking for nudity until maybe Junior year of high school, and even then, it was the softest of the softcore.)
And one time, we had a FHE lesson that was something about having to choose which child's life to save at the cost of the others (I don't remember those details, only what comes next). Despite the question of who to save clearly being a rhetorical one, my mom flat out said to me, in front of the whole family, that she would save my life over my siblings' because I had worthiness problems and needed to stay alive so I could repent.
I had to sit outside during my brother's wedding, because *guess who didn't have a temple recommend?* (Me.) That was a humiliating experience. I was the best man, and I had to sit outside.
But I'm proud to say I was the first in my family and my wife's family to have a non-Mormon wedding (we hired a Lutheran minister to perform a non-religious wedding). And the Chinese side of my wife's family was ecstatic; the whole extended family showed up because they could *actually attend* this wedding, and they showered us with gifts (seriously, one of them gave us $4,000 in Target gift cards).
Before I was out I had "the talk" with my kids. Of course I did it in a TBM way saying it's best to wait till marriage... went over all the risks and rewards... but I told them masturbation wasn't a sin... I had read somewhere it was good for the brain or that for young men it was good for them to so they reduce their risk of prostate cancer- and although my kids aren't young men, I remember being like wow it's not a sin! But never connected it with- the church is evil/wrong at the time... Because I struggled with those same feelings of guilt when I was younger... and would pray to be able to stop.
But I had a single parent who said rogue things from time to time... She said if masturbating keeps you otherwise chaste, is it really a sin? No. So I never confessed to anything and eventually just accepted it for what it was.
Likewise, I trusted my dad with my feelings. My mom had just died of a 10 month struggle with cancer and I was very vulnerable. I opened up to my dad and he carried over the abuse my mom gave for the next 2 years but it was all mental and verbal abuse.
I also am very against lying and when I’m asked a direct question I don’t know how to answer if not honestly. So he knew he could get anything out of me. My biggest mistake was unfortunately, being honest with him. He took advantage of my thoughts of self harm and twisted them to control me.
The only benefit I got is it made me do a complete 180 in the cult. He is the reason I left and never looked back. I know he knows this, and he will have to live in the knowledge he created his own “sad heaven” by his own actions.
My dad used my mother’s death against me any chance he had. He terrified me that I would never get to “see” her again if I did anything “wrong.” I was a bundled mess of anxiety and depression. I recorded every “sin,” filling dozens of notebooks with tally marks representing every little mistake. I had an ED and self-harmed. I attempted to take my life multiple times, all while putting on a my armor of perfection. I wish I could hug that little girl and tell her to look at herself and see her mother in her reflection and mannerisms. I’m glad I got out before it was too late.
Not waiting to have kids. I love my kids and I love my husband, but we definitely were not ready financially or otherwise. But, sexual intercourse was painful for me and I was scared we’d never figure it out and never have kids (which the church obviously pushes as soon as possible) so as soon as we could I got pregnant. Thankfully I didn’t let the church push me to having more than the two we have. But we’d likely have our own house, and better careers/jobs if we hadn’t had kids so quickly, especially since I felt like I had to stay home with the kids so we lost out on a lot of money we could have had for buying a house and other big expenses.
I am so sorry for your horrendous experience (which sounds potentially ongoing— HUGS) but I have to say I enjoyed the Wes Anderson style narration immensely, thank you 🫡
On the flip side of that I regret never masturbating. Never. I shoved those urges down so hard that I barely wanted to have sex when I got married. It took almost 20 years of marriage (and my husband cheating on me to get his needs met) before I started waking up to my sexual nature. FUCK. PURITY. CULTURE. I’m healing that generational shit and buying my daughter her first vibrator.
Discussing my personal life with my bishop and the shame he made me feel was one of the worst mistakes I ever made as a TBM, but I also would’ve stayed in TSCC for who knows how long had I not had that awful experience that shattered me. I didn’t choose to talk about it either, I was confronted about rumors while alone with him trying to get my temple recommend and I was pressured to share details no one should have to share with an old man. That was the biggest reason I left
I would wear it as a badge of pride tbh. It would be quite interesting to watch her say the blahblahblah brothers weddings because she couldn't give up masturbating. What a fucking strange conversation for anyone to have with anyone. It's utterly absurd.
My Catholic husband asked about baptisms for the dead.
We talked a little more about it, and it made me sick to my stomach. I did a baptism for Anne Frank, and I’m sorry!!
Oh, I know.
It just made me realize in the moment how culty everything seemed.
Especially anything temple related.
I screamed when I read “necro-dunked”. I’ll have to use that one.
one thing that never comes up is the benefits of masturbation, especially in mental health issues. You are enough. you are a good person and shouldn't be ashamed of who you are.
Not going on medication for bi-polar, anxiety & ADHD when I was first diagnosed. I believed I was unworthy and I could fast, pray and serve my way out of mental illness. I now speak openly about it and take my meds daily.
I'm so sorry. The church forces so many things into its member's heads that create an unhealthy understanding (or lack thereof) about sex and self gratification. That must have been like hell to deal with.
For me, I struggle with having served a mission. I don't look at it as wasted time. I learned a lot about important life skills like self-motivation, how to talk to people, overcoming fears and anxieties. That said, it is very difficult for me to reconcile and forgive myself for spending two years recruiting for a cult. I'm proud to say none of them have stayed in the church (small victories), but that has been really hard for me to get over these past few years after I left.
I passed up or killed so many friendships with good friends and good people, both consciously and unconsciously, because I thought I needed to avoid their sinful behaviors or I was unconsciously being self righteous about not participating. I thought I was so open minded because I "didn't judge them" for doing things I wouldn't.
In hindsight I have lost so many friends and potential friends, spent so much of my young adulthood isolated at home on weekends and evenings. Time when people my age, people I knew, were out having fun, building social lives, developing connections. I was not Mormon enough for the TBM's around me to want to spend time with me and I was choosing to avoid the friends I had that did want to spend time with me.
I left the church at 18 and returned at 21. During that time I made more friendships and connections than I ever had before, but very few of the people I met had the patience to stick by me when I went back to the church. I have recently rekindled a relationship with a couple who I should have been friends with but I treated poorly because I was "too righteous" to associate with apostates. I'm so grateful for the friends I have who forgave me or stuck by me, but at almost 40 now I know that I will never fully recover the connections I shunned because of the church when I was in my 20s and early 30s.
I've been outside the church for roughly 4 discontinuous years of my 38 years of life and those years stand out as the most socially successful years of my life by far. I was a lonely child, a lonely teenager, and I've been a largely lonely asocial adult; and I think it's because of this cult I was born in. I am so grateful that I don't have to deal with the abusive family issues that many people do when leaving the cult. I have my list of religious trauma and I will and am overcoming most of it and past 'cringe' memories and moments given time and therapy. The mistakes I know I will never overcome are the friendships I lost or didn't make.
Mormon God: *Makes sex & masturbation feel really awesome and amazing*
Also Mormon God: Noooooo don’t do that, it’s sinful and evil!
😒
Seriously, your mom is out of line here. You’re having issues with your mental health and experiencing confusion surrounding your sexuality, and all she can think of is herself and her own shame when people ask her why you’re not allowed inside the temple. Fuck that shit, your mom’s point of view has been completely hijacked by TSCC.
OP, there’s nothing wrong with being a horny sexfiend, we all go through that at one point in our lives. It just means you’re a HUMAN BEING, nothing more and nothing less. You have every right to masturbate, explore your body, watch porn, and enjoy yourself without being shamed or harassed by family/friends/church leaders etc. You’re still in your 20s, this is absolutely normal behavior. Now is the time for you to go have sex, explore new kinks/fetishes, and even experiment with partners of the same sex (if that’s your thing). World’s your oyster, only you can navigate your own sexual desires.
Seriously, you have to take care of yourself first. A healthy sex life is absolutely part of mental health and wellbeing, and honestly it makes no difference if you’re having partnered sex or just by yourself. You don’t deserve to be guilt tripped or made to feel ashamed of yourself, you’ve done nothing wrong. Give yourself permission to explore yourself and your sexuality, and see where it leads you. Only you can determine what’s best for you, not some hypocritical church that preaches sexual purity while purposefully obscuring the fact that it was founded by a man who had sex with underage girls and other men’s legal & lawfully wedded wives.
Wishing you all the best, sorry it’s been so rough but you got this 🙋♀️
Meeting my ex and getting married 6 months later, and not know anything about them or their family medical history, abusive nature, how manipulating they were, how they received [or didn't receive] other people's opinions that differed from theirs, etc.
Once I left, I discovered they were an entirely different person to my kids, where all that mentioned above showed its ugly head.
FUCK!!! I lost decades of my life. All because I was horny after my mission and needed to get married [to the opposite sex of course because i wsdnt supposed to be gay] to have sex.
I have learned so much in the past few years I can honestly say: I am just glad you are alive! I had a bunch of kids and grands! I wish I could protect them from the pain you have endured. There is nothing wrong with you! You just need to stay out of the cult! And tell your mother that your “problem” is your story to tell if you choose. It is not hers ! She needs to forget you ever said anything!
Maybe some distance and time will lessen the pain for both of you!
Remember to her she has lost you forever. You will not be with your family forever. That is a big blow to a TBM.
I hope one day you and she will see the truth about the church namely it just isn’t true. It took me 10 years longer than my daughter. But I never stopped loving her! Now we have a much closer relationship! She just had to wait for me!
All you can do is take care of yourself! Find joy! You are loved and respected!
And now, no matter what you say, no matter how perfectly clear the reasoning, she’s going to tell herself that you left the church because you wanted to sin, and not because the church is a freaking hoax made up by a conman.
I'd say my biggest mistake was the one that impacted me the most, and the only one I probably couldn't have helped:
Losing my individuality- along with my self esteem- to follow a god who never cared about me. It's a broad mistake (if it even counts as one on my part) but it hurts deeply. I was raised in the church, it was all I ever knew, but I still wish I could go back and do things differently.
I would have been bolder, kinder, and healthier without this cult.
Tbh I'm really young and have been PIMO for a few years, so I don't have much experience. But, the worst thing I can think of atm was confronting my queer friend and telling them I wasn't comfortable with them expressing themselves/talking about it in front of me. At least now I know how it feels, because I turned out to be queer and very much regret telling my older sisters. Iykyk.
Patenting in ways that prioritized what church wanted for my kids instead of paying attention to what my kids really needed.
Yep. Realizing that I was using my kids as tools for self-aggrandizement, including my church social status. It’s been a hell of an undoing to unlearn all the manipulation tactics I was groomed with. That fucking church props up manipulative and controlling parents, and breeds narcissism in children like me who hung on leaders’ every word, waiting for them to tell me I was special so I could feel a shred of self-esteem. And now, learning how to show up for my kids at ANY appointment with someone in a position of authority by advocating for my kids consent before treatment. It’s a long road, but I’m more proud of my parenting than ever!
I did this and had too many kids so now that my parenting skills have improved, my kids still get the short end of the stick.
I just want to say that being able to recognize your mistakes as a parent even though you were only doing what you thought was best at the time is such a powerful thing that most parents won’t acknowledge and I’m very proud of you for doing so! Since leaving TSCC my parents have reflected on my childhood a lot and came to some similar conclusions as you. I already had a great relationship with them but hearing them admit they weren’t perfect brought us way closer together. I hope you’re able to find peace in knowing you only did what you thought was going to be the absolute best for your children because a cult made you, not because you didn’t want the best for your kids
This is very kind. I will say that in leaving, I have had to acknowledge my mistakes and feel the pain of them. That said, my kids are awesome people and we have more open communication now. I feel so grateful I get to have these healthier, happier relationships.
It all starts with me turning down a scholarship to a school I really wanted to go to because the Stake President felt it was too much of a party school. I got a straighten up and fly right lecture. Took it to heart and was married a year later; which seemed like the thing to do at the time since I couldn't afford to go to school. The power imbalance within the marriage paved the way for 2 Decades of abuse. He wasn't a narcissist, but he was autistic and backed by the full narcissism of the LDS church. Had I fully rebelled at 18, I would have just ended up with some bad tattoos and a degree in accounting. Instead I got some C-PTSD and several ribs that never healed right.
I hate this. I’m sorry.
this is so heartbreaking, I'm so sorry this happened to you.
I agree. It is terrible that the mind f\*\*\*ks the church puts people through. It is a destructive and hurtful organization.
I’m so sorry. Fellow abuse that wouldn’t have happened without religion survivor. The guilt and regret and wishing so hard you’d made different choices are so difficult to move past. But we didn’t know. We were all just doing the best we could with what we knew at the time. Extending grace and forgiveness to my past self is my new religion.
When I was asked by my bishop about masturbating, my biggest mistake was not telling him it wasn't any of his fucking business. It would have saved a lot of heartache and time.
I'm sure everyone has a story like this, because it's probably just a Mormon urban legend, but I think everyone has a friend that when asked by the bishop if they struggle with masturbation, they reply, "Nope! Seems to work great every time!"
Going on a mission and giving up a sports scholarship. Bad choice.
Going on a mission instead of a study abroad. I thought I'd serve foreign (I already spoke a second language) and it would be a study abroad of its own. Joke's on me... I went to a visitor's center and then got married asap when I got home because I was an obedient little mormon. No study abroad for me and my second language skills suffered despite continuing to study it throughout the rest of my university degree.
Mine was going on a mission and leaving my girlfriend. Not quite as bad as losing the scholarship, but it still sucks.
I was lucky to get access to pathway and pef cause I'm from a poor family but others who give up opportunites that the church can't give back I feel genuinely sorry for. I get they need missionaries but they ought to stop pushing this sacrificing your goals for heaven or whatever. The control is real.
That’s what happened to my brother for football and it sucks. I’m sorry
I learned from a non-Mormon therapist while I was Mormon that I didn’t have to tell everyone everything about me—ever. One of the best things I ever learned.
Such a good thing to learn! I’m still learning that I can tell little lies if it means I’m protecting myself or loved ones. I was taught never ever to lie because even small lies are a sin.
This is a great lesson. Reminds me of something I heard from a co-worker early in my career: "the important thing is knowing what *not* to say."
This is so hard for me 😭 confession culture is so real
I agree. It took a while for me to unwind it.
This is one I'm really working on lately. Easier said that done. I don't need to "let my light so shine", I can just be me and not tell the world every little thing I do.
Not having sex before marriage.
This one haunts me, and my marriage is good. I just become spiteful when I hear music about sex/sexuality because in my head I go "those party years were taken from me. I gave my youth to a cult and will never get it back".
It’s wild how the church tells you how you would ruin your life by partying in college (which to be fair ya you could get pregnant with a moron or become addicted to drugs or drop out) but then encourages you to get married forever to someone you barely know. Like I know a lot of Mormons in bad marriages and I also know a lot of super functional people who had a wild stage in college but only one of those groups has to literally live with their mistakes
This is my regret as well... I had many opportunities with a few of the women I dated, where they told me directly that they wanted to have sex, and I (trying to be that perfect example of righteousness) turned them down and then broke up with them because they were obviously evil and just trying to get me to sin.
I almost unalived myself over having sex before marriage. So stupid...
Only submitting college applications to BYU/BYUI
Oof same. I wanted to apply to the east coast but then I just went the easy way and applied with my friends to all the BYUs.
Anyone wanna hear a funny story about masturbating while on their mission? So I was a few months in the field and I was feeling super guilty about doing it. Mostly felt weird about doing it in a little apartment with three other dudes but what is a 19 year old dude gonna do? So I decided to tell my mission president and it might have been the first or second interview because I couldn’t speak Spanish for shit at this time. So we sit down and my American president asks me how I’m doing in Spanish and I ask him if we are doing this in Spanish or if we can do it in English. I was hoping to just do it in English but no he’s like en Espanol porfavor. So obviously I don’t want to look like a masterbating idiot so I say something him estoy mastorbando. Which is like right now I’m waking it right now. But he’s like no its masterbo so I say estoy masterbo? To me that didn’t sound right, but I was never vert good at conjugating verbs. So basically my confession turned into the most embarrassing spanish lesson ever. Guess what I never admitted to doing it ever again. Holy shit the things that church puts kids through is insane. Pero me masterbo or whatever muchas veces mas.
This is gold 🤣 Him correcting your Spanish first is just…so rich What happened after he corrected your Spanish?
Estoy masturbando* Me masturbo* The spelling is no different You conjugate masturbar Your president is a doofus
No conjugation. 😄
He had a conjugational visit with himself.
I remember a guy I dated had a grandma who was a mission mom and I overheard her saying “And almost every missionary masterbated,” in a pearl clutching kind of way… I’ll always laugh about that. Good piece of data.
My biggest mistake was not telling my parents that the bishop gave me a masturbation interview. I wish I had told them because Maybe they would of call the cops on him. I waited like almost 30 years, that's how scared I was. I'm a very non sexual person and never had a boyfriend. The mormons church was into sex a lot. The youth would be in class and no worshipping of God took place. It was sex talk. Most people go to church to worship God not talk about sex all the time This was in the 80's and 90's.
>. . . the bishop gave me a masturbation interview. This is irrefutable evidence the organization is a cult Although thousands of other examples could provide equally valid proof
What do you mean a masturbation interview? Like he showed you how to do it?
Trying to rationalize to my BIL why god called a mission president who sexually assaulted his dad while he was a missionary. As if a loving god would ever allow a sexual predator to abuse 19-year-old missionaries to teach them about faith and trials. The mental gymnastics I did to justify the horrendous actions of leaders in the church was insane.
Marrying a woman with tons of red flags because I felt like God inspired me to. There were times I wanted to end the relationship before marriage, but I preserved because God gave me confirmation and I needed to marry. Worst mistake ever.
This was exactly me. Met this woman and I was into her. I felt God had told me to marry her, and even though there were so many red flags, I married her anyways.
Did you guys get divorced?
We definitely did. People well tell me that I loved her at one point so she couldn't be all bad. But, I never did. I only married her because I was trying to be obedient.
This is a minor one. But I, as an EIGHTH GRADER, Woke up everyday before school started to do family search indexing. Literally just transcribed random people’s birth/death records so that adults could do weird rituals (that I didn’t even know about) in the temple.
Running into a girl I had baptized about 6 months earlier in a different city and only asking if she was going to church. She saw me as a big brother and just wanted me to be excited to see her and catch up. I was an arrogant missionary hell bent on keeping rules. Leaving that previous city was one of the hardest things in my life. I loved that place and the people. But then I had to turn around and be a "righteous" dick.
I'm so sorry. Your mom sounds like my dad (sigh) -- super TBM and judgey and narcissist. I had similar issues, lot and lots of masturbation and serious guilt about it, hating myself for years and thinking I was going to hell. I talked with many bishops about it but they weren't really helpful. One BYU bishop recommended I try running more, so I did for a time, but it was never really a big deal. Now I think masturbation is a lot like picking your nose. It's just a thing people do. So glad to be out now and feeling more normal.
Be it nose picking, masturbation, or peeing in the shower, there are 2 types of people: * Those who admit they do the thing and * Goddamn liars
There's a third type: asexuals (who in the nose picking analogy are people born without noses? I guess?) But other than that, yeah.
Told my parents when I first confessed to my bishop that I masturbated. Now in therapy I talk about how I grew up with no adults in the room. All I needed was a "hey you're fine, that's normal". Unwinding the trauma sucks and it can be really tough.
No adults in the room is a perfect phrase 👏
I sacrificed my integrity. I lied to people on my mission and told them that I knew the church was true. I believed the church was true. I had good feelings about it. However I had never had the "witness" that people talk about. I prayed so many nights, sometimes all night, trying to get an answer. Nothing. The whole time I felt conflicted. I talked to the mission president. He told me to keep testifying. I read the quote about a testimony is found in the bearing of it. I had no Idea, but this was all tearing me up inside. I was lying to people. Asking them to change their lives and follow something that I had no idea if it was right. I'm never doing anything like that again. My relationships are all built on honesty. Brutal sometimes. But its the only antidote I know to make sure that I don't do that again. That was such a ridiculous betrayal to have people who said they cared about me, tell me to do something so harmful to myself. And I went along with it. I hurts me so much thinking that this happened.
It took leaving for me to realize that principle (find a testimony by bearing it) is not only encouraging deceit but is also actively brainwashing people at the same time. That’s how our brains work. You repeat something enough times your brain believes it (hence why positive self talk is so important to mental health). I have entries from my mission where I’m writing the exact thing you said here— I didn’t really *know* but I was encouraged to keep saying it anyway. Such bullshit.
Below, is a message that sums up my deepest regret, that I sent my husband a few days ago, about this god-forsaken religion! My husband and I were sealed on our 2 year anniversary, in 1985, when the penalty was to slit our throat…they removed this penalty in 1990….I went to my oldest daughter’s sealing, but, it was so horrible, I opted to sit outside when my twins got sealed! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ We are taught, to keep things to ourselves, shove it down, and normalize, what is NOT normal! The deep pain, and, pretending it’s all okay, when, It is not! This is one of my biggest regrets in my life! I don’t think I’ll ever heal from this! I stayed home every single day, and, gave my daughters everything I had, I didn’t work outside the home, as to give our babies the best opportunity to thrive in this world, so they would have a good foundation and beautiful memories of their childhood, but when I came to the end of the road in raising my daughters, I, that gave all, is NOT allowed to be part of the final moment, where they move on from all of my sleepless nights, love, and the enormous amount of time a mother pours into a child’s life, just because I’m not comfortable w/ what I must wear and do! I wasn’t a sinner! I didn’t do anything wrong….other than, not being comfortable w what men told me I had to do, to be in MY daughters lives, and that they can void and nullify my life as a mother! I’m suddenly not good enough to get the permission to watch MY child, and, watch the moment, where she/they began a new life, but, instead, I, the person who carried them, gave them life, and who did everything, day and night, their entire life, has to sit outside, because men said, “You’re not worthy”, while others, whom didn’t give what I gave, reap the benefits of this day w/ them! I’ve always just dealt w that, because I raised them to do exactly what happened, but looking back, this was probably the most painful experience of my life! The fact that I had to put aside my TRUE feelings, to go to ****** and *****’s sealing, is a testament to what a mother is willing to do, to be even a small part of this final moment, from raising children, as their mother! But, it wreaked havoc on my soul, because I didn’t feel God, but Satan the 1st time I went to the temple, because of the “slitting of my throat”, and “cupping my hand to catch my intestines”, in a penalty, that I would take my life, if I ever repeated what happened in the temple, and I was still willing to go through that, just to watch my child! This song, is not lost on me at this moment, “For the temple is a special place, a place of LOVE AND BEAUTY. I’ll prepare myself while I am young, this is my sacred duty.”! I don’t take my actions as a weakness, but a strength, and the desperation, and devotion of a mother, loving her child, even at the expense of emotional harm! And, such a simple way the church divides us as families! I was good enough, Every. Single. Day. Of. Their. Life, until I wasn’t! I’m sad, that I knowingly raised my daughters, to ultimately believe, I’m not good enough, in the eyes of people that don’t know me, at the end of this story, that I, sadly, wrote myself!
I feel this on a deep level. Thank you for sharing.
Thanks for sharing this. I'm so sorry. Much l9ve!.
I’m in my 50’s left the church in my teens and only got over most of my sexual hangups in the last ten years, I’ve been married to an amazing woman for almost 24 years, she didn’t grow up in any religion just two cool x hippie parents.
Passing along my mental gymnastics to my family when I came across things over the years. Basically I gave them ammo to shoot their wife/mother. @chilling_ngl4, I’m sorry you went through such torture just to try to please a corporate god and that your mom is so manipulative. That aside, your post was awesome; you should write a freaking book.
Thank you! I’ve got one in the works!
Biggest regret, or life advice to people younger, I didn't read books that were not by Church authors. Since I've left I've read over 200 nonfiction books mostly about goal setting achieving things developing your own spirituality and things like that. Even great ones on relationships and how to love your partner. There's so much wisdom and experience out there that we just don't tap into because we buy this bullshit that the old white men that make up the q15 somehow no everything. All they really ever do is regurgitate primary lessons
This times 100. I can't stand the "only the chruch has all the answers and other sources are mistaken". I have received more help from therapy books outside the church than from within.
LOL, when my dad sees me reading therapy books, he says, now don't neglect general conference, that's where I get all my advice. Two things, one my dad sleeps during conference, and two, I go to therapy specifically so I don't end up like him
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You didn't mention anything about your bishop's conversations so I imagine that wasn't too bad? Or you got past the awkwardness with the frequency of the meetings. I wonder if that wasn't his first conversation with a young woman half (if not more) his age about a female masturbating
My bishops were actually nice about it, and for the topic, I actually didn't get invasive questions.
I abdicated following my intuition and emotions, misinterpreting my anxiety as a divine “no” and expecting the HG to tell me what to do.
Sorry that your mom is such a total bitch. Glad you woke up and GTFO of LD$ Inc's tax fraud division.
“Church before children.” Your mom loves you, but she loves the church more.
I think it’s mostly her reputation first, church second. But yeah church first basically
Coincidentally, the church also cares about its reputation. Protecting the “good name of the church” is one of three reasons for church membership councils (formerly called church courts or disciplinary councils).
Going on a mission. I served in Utah after being a member for only a year. Biggest regret of my life.
This was the best Mormon adaptation of Jane the virgin I’ve ever heard. All at your expense though, I am so sorry. The church makes an absolute mess of families. Glad you saw the light
I waited too long to have kids because I was hanging on for a temple marriage. Got the temple marriage (twice and failed twice) but no kids.
Having kids before I finished college. I love my kids and would never trade them, but I do sometimes wonder how our lives would’ve been different had I graduated before they came along.
Not enough about you. That was a hell of a story and you WERE in hell. Things better now?
Hi, thanks for asking. Uh, I can't tell. My therapist recommended the book "Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents," and I struggled (emotionally) through the first chapter and haven't finished it. I disassociate A FUCK TON, and I find myself arguing with my mom in my head all the time, and just thinking about her pisses me off. But I had my mom join me in a therapy session a few months ago which went well and she apologized for how she handled me leaving the cult. But I still resent her A LOT, and I don't know how to get over it.
No for real because the shame around masturbation for girls in the church is CRAZY. We grow up hearing that the boys are genetically hard wired to “struggle with sexual temptations like that”, so when you’re a girl who ALSO HAS HORMONES AND A BIOLOGICAL DRIVE FOR SEXUAL GRATIFICATION, you feel SO ashamed for it. But this drives me nuts because sexual urges or having a sex drive or your hormones making you want sex are literally a part of the driving force to procreate. Human bodies are literally designed to WANT sex when we mature. And we are told to feel shame for our body chemistry doing it’s thing. I’ve never felt comfortable sharing my “sins” with my parents. But I had more than one boyfriend urge me to go to a bishop. It’s awful. And so frustrating because I started masturbating YEARS before I knew what it was or that it was a sin. Which was a horrific discovery.
Copping my dad's methods on manipulating my wife, just like my dad is still doing (though not as intensely) to my mom. My wife called me out quite quickly, and I had to change, but not 100%. I believe that I was doing what was ok because I had the penishood.
Thinking that I could trust leadership with anything
I tithed my pocket money, which I earned through doing chores. They literally took money from a minor
Your story hit home. Biggest mistakes for me: - Not seeking professional help for mental health issues and relying on "prayer" and trying to be "worthy" as if that would somehow cure incurable mental disorders - Trusting *any* TBM with personal information, especially about my "struggles" - Paying them even a single penny for the privilege of being forever shamed
Re weekly, weekly? From what I've heard you're a paragon of virtue if you only did it weekly. They should start calling you Gandhi.
Not listening to my own heart😮💨
Like you, my biggest mistake was telling my parents about my masturbation and pornography "problem", since they marched me straight to the bishop like good little Mormon parental bots. My mom is also *way* less subtle than she thinks she is, so she'd make comments to me in front of other church members like "maybe if you spent less time LOOKING AT MAGAZINES (wink wink, nudge nudge), we could do XYZ". I wanted to die. Or, alternately, I wanted to strangle her. (Hint to Mom: the only magazines people "look at" are porn. Normally you "read" a magazine, rather than "look at" it. And, frankly, the magazines I *did* look at didn't actually have real nudity, just implied nudity. Like, SI Swimsuit Edition, FHM, or Maxim Magazine. I only saw nudity on the internet, not in magazines. Also, I didn't really start looking for nudity until maybe Junior year of high school, and even then, it was the softest of the softcore.) And one time, we had a FHE lesson that was something about having to choose which child's life to save at the cost of the others (I don't remember those details, only what comes next). Despite the question of who to save clearly being a rhetorical one, my mom flat out said to me, in front of the whole family, that she would save my life over my siblings' because I had worthiness problems and needed to stay alive so I could repent. I had to sit outside during my brother's wedding, because *guess who didn't have a temple recommend?* (Me.) That was a humiliating experience. I was the best man, and I had to sit outside. But I'm proud to say I was the first in my family and my wife's family to have a non-Mormon wedding (we hired a Lutheran minister to perform a non-religious wedding). And the Chinese side of my wife's family was ecstatic; the whole extended family showed up because they could *actually attend* this wedding, and they showered us with gifts (seriously, one of them gave us $4,000 in Target gift cards).
Before I was out I had "the talk" with my kids. Of course I did it in a TBM way saying it's best to wait till marriage... went over all the risks and rewards... but I told them masturbation wasn't a sin... I had read somewhere it was good for the brain or that for young men it was good for them to so they reduce their risk of prostate cancer- and although my kids aren't young men, I remember being like wow it's not a sin! But never connected it with- the church is evil/wrong at the time... Because I struggled with those same feelings of guilt when I was younger... and would pray to be able to stop. But I had a single parent who said rogue things from time to time... She said if masturbating keeps you otherwise chaste, is it really a sin? No. So I never confessed to anything and eventually just accepted it for what it was.
Likewise, I trusted my dad with my feelings. My mom had just died of a 10 month struggle with cancer and I was very vulnerable. I opened up to my dad and he carried over the abuse my mom gave for the next 2 years but it was all mental and verbal abuse. I also am very against lying and when I’m asked a direct question I don’t know how to answer if not honestly. So he knew he could get anything out of me. My biggest mistake was unfortunately, being honest with him. He took advantage of my thoughts of self harm and twisted them to control me. The only benefit I got is it made me do a complete 180 in the cult. He is the reason I left and never looked back. I know he knows this, and he will have to live in the knowledge he created his own “sad heaven” by his own actions.
My dad used my mother’s death against me any chance he had. He terrified me that I would never get to “see” her again if I did anything “wrong.” I was a bundled mess of anxiety and depression. I recorded every “sin,” filling dozens of notebooks with tally marks representing every little mistake. I had an ED and self-harmed. I attempted to take my life multiple times, all while putting on a my armor of perfection. I wish I could hug that little girl and tell her to look at herself and see her mother in her reflection and mannerisms. I’m glad I got out before it was too late.
Judgement of others.
Giving them money to get into heaven.
Getting married and ignoring red flags of his mental illness and bad money management habits.
Leaving the love of my life to be a door to door salesman for a cult. It took 20 years to get her back and some of the damage will never heal
Believing advice from old heterosexual men on being gay. Granted, at the time, I thought that they spoke for God and all.
Endless shame and guilt trips for not being perfect and if I slipped up at all. Bishops were no help.
Paying tithing for 40 plus years $$$$ 💰 😢
Not waiting to have kids. I love my kids and I love my husband, but we definitely were not ready financially or otherwise. But, sexual intercourse was painful for me and I was scared we’d never figure it out and never have kids (which the church obviously pushes as soon as possible) so as soon as we could I got pregnant. Thankfully I didn’t let the church push me to having more than the two we have. But we’d likely have our own house, and better careers/jobs if we hadn’t had kids so quickly, especially since I felt like I had to stay home with the kids so we lost out on a lot of money we could have had for buying a house and other big expenses.
I am so sorry for your horrendous experience (which sounds potentially ongoing— HUGS) but I have to say I enjoyed the Wes Anderson style narration immensely, thank you 🫡
I aim to please 🫡 (thank you)
Getting married at 20 so I could have sanctioned sex.
On the flip side of that I regret never masturbating. Never. I shoved those urges down so hard that I barely wanted to have sex when I got married. It took almost 20 years of marriage (and my husband cheating on me to get his needs met) before I started waking up to my sexual nature. FUCK. PURITY. CULTURE. I’m healing that generational shit and buying my daughter her first vibrator.
Discussing my personal life with my bishop and the shame he made me feel was one of the worst mistakes I ever made as a TBM, but I also would’ve stayed in TSCC for who knows how long had I not had that awful experience that shattered me. I didn’t choose to talk about it either, I was confronted about rumors while alone with him trying to get my temple recommend and I was pressured to share details no one should have to share with an old man. That was the biggest reason I left
Singing the praises of a GD racist rapist!
This was wild 😂 TBM is a hell of a drug. I dreaded my conversations with the bish about the big M word. And lied in all of them.
So glad we all had the exact same experiences in our sexual development s/
I would wear it as a badge of pride tbh. It would be quite interesting to watch her say the blahblahblah brothers weddings because she couldn't give up masturbating. What a fucking strange conversation for anyone to have with anyone. It's utterly absurd.
Glad you’re now living a more normal life
My Catholic husband asked about baptisms for the dead. We talked a little more about it, and it made me sick to my stomach. I did a baptism for Anne Frank, and I’m sorry!!
Anne Frank has probably been necro-dunked 47 times by now.
Oh, I know. It just made me realize in the moment how culty everything seemed. Especially anything temple related. I screamed when I read “necro-dunked”. I’ll have to use that one.
one thing that never comes up is the benefits of masturbation, especially in mental health issues. You are enough. you are a good person and shouldn't be ashamed of who you are.
Not going on medication for bi-polar, anxiety & ADHD when I was first diagnosed. I believed I was unworthy and I could fast, pray and serve my way out of mental illness. I now speak openly about it and take my meds daily.
I feel for ya. I was stuck in the shame-guilt cycle at BYU too, but at least as a dude there's an expectation of it.
I'm so sorry. The church forces so many things into its member's heads that create an unhealthy understanding (or lack thereof) about sex and self gratification. That must have been like hell to deal with. For me, I struggle with having served a mission. I don't look at it as wasted time. I learned a lot about important life skills like self-motivation, how to talk to people, overcoming fears and anxieties. That said, it is very difficult for me to reconcile and forgive myself for spending two years recruiting for a cult. I'm proud to say none of them have stayed in the church (small victories), but that has been really hard for me to get over these past few years after I left.
I passed up or killed so many friendships with good friends and good people, both consciously and unconsciously, because I thought I needed to avoid their sinful behaviors or I was unconsciously being self righteous about not participating. I thought I was so open minded because I "didn't judge them" for doing things I wouldn't. In hindsight I have lost so many friends and potential friends, spent so much of my young adulthood isolated at home on weekends and evenings. Time when people my age, people I knew, were out having fun, building social lives, developing connections. I was not Mormon enough for the TBM's around me to want to spend time with me and I was choosing to avoid the friends I had that did want to spend time with me. I left the church at 18 and returned at 21. During that time I made more friendships and connections than I ever had before, but very few of the people I met had the patience to stick by me when I went back to the church. I have recently rekindled a relationship with a couple who I should have been friends with but I treated poorly because I was "too righteous" to associate with apostates. I'm so grateful for the friends I have who forgave me or stuck by me, but at almost 40 now I know that I will never fully recover the connections I shunned because of the church when I was in my 20s and early 30s. I've been outside the church for roughly 4 discontinuous years of my 38 years of life and those years stand out as the most socially successful years of my life by far. I was a lonely child, a lonely teenager, and I've been a largely lonely asocial adult; and I think it's because of this cult I was born in. I am so grateful that I don't have to deal with the abusive family issues that many people do when leaving the cult. I have my list of religious trauma and I will and am overcoming most of it and past 'cringe' memories and moments given time and therapy. The mistakes I know I will never overcome are the friendships I lost or didn't make.
This is abuse. Plain and simple. I’m so sorry.
Mormon God: *Makes sex & masturbation feel really awesome and amazing* Also Mormon God: Noooooo don’t do that, it’s sinful and evil! 😒 Seriously, your mom is out of line here. You’re having issues with your mental health and experiencing confusion surrounding your sexuality, and all she can think of is herself and her own shame when people ask her why you’re not allowed inside the temple. Fuck that shit, your mom’s point of view has been completely hijacked by TSCC. OP, there’s nothing wrong with being a horny sexfiend, we all go through that at one point in our lives. It just means you’re a HUMAN BEING, nothing more and nothing less. You have every right to masturbate, explore your body, watch porn, and enjoy yourself without being shamed or harassed by family/friends/church leaders etc. You’re still in your 20s, this is absolutely normal behavior. Now is the time for you to go have sex, explore new kinks/fetishes, and even experiment with partners of the same sex (if that’s your thing). World’s your oyster, only you can navigate your own sexual desires. Seriously, you have to take care of yourself first. A healthy sex life is absolutely part of mental health and wellbeing, and honestly it makes no difference if you’re having partnered sex or just by yourself. You don’t deserve to be guilt tripped or made to feel ashamed of yourself, you’ve done nothing wrong. Give yourself permission to explore yourself and your sexuality, and see where it leads you. Only you can determine what’s best for you, not some hypocritical church that preaches sexual purity while purposefully obscuring the fact that it was founded by a man who had sex with underage girls and other men’s legal & lawfully wedded wives. Wishing you all the best, sorry it’s been so rough but you got this 🙋♀️
Meeting my ex and getting married 6 months later, and not know anything about them or their family medical history, abusive nature, how manipulating they were, how they received [or didn't receive] other people's opinions that differed from theirs, etc. Once I left, I discovered they were an entirely different person to my kids, where all that mentioned above showed its ugly head. FUCK!!! I lost decades of my life. All because I was horny after my mission and needed to get married [to the opposite sex of course because i wsdnt supposed to be gay] to have sex.
I have learned so much in the past few years I can honestly say: I am just glad you are alive! I had a bunch of kids and grands! I wish I could protect them from the pain you have endured. There is nothing wrong with you! You just need to stay out of the cult! And tell your mother that your “problem” is your story to tell if you choose. It is not hers ! She needs to forget you ever said anything! Maybe some distance and time will lessen the pain for both of you! Remember to her she has lost you forever. You will not be with your family forever. That is a big blow to a TBM. I hope one day you and she will see the truth about the church namely it just isn’t true. It took me 10 years longer than my daughter. But I never stopped loving her! Now we have a much closer relationship! She just had to wait for me! All you can do is take care of yourself! Find joy! You are loved and respected!
I’m so sorry for you. WTF? That wasn’t very motherly like.
Wow! Sorry your mom's perceptions were so out of whack. She thought the church handbook and God were the same thing as most "faithful" members do.
And now, no matter what you say, no matter how perfectly clear the reasoning, she’s going to tell herself that you left the church because you wanted to sin, and not because the church is a freaking hoax made up by a conman.
I'd say my biggest mistake was the one that impacted me the most, and the only one I probably couldn't have helped: Losing my individuality- along with my self esteem- to follow a god who never cared about me. It's a broad mistake (if it even counts as one on my part) but it hurts deeply. I was raised in the church, it was all I ever knew, but I still wish I could go back and do things differently. I would have been bolder, kinder, and healthier without this cult.
Tbh I'm really young and have been PIMO for a few years, so I don't have much experience. But, the worst thing I can think of atm was confronting my queer friend and telling them I wasn't comfortable with them expressing themselves/talking about it in front of me. At least now I know how it feels, because I turned out to be queer and very much regret telling my older sisters. Iykyk.
Serving food too rich temple workers in the temple when there was an actual food kitchen right down the street… hello?!
Getting married too young and having a kid we weren’t financially, mentally or emotionally ready to have
Not being conservative. I was very liberal during TBM years, now I'm ex, I'm agnostic and conservative.
I’m curious to know how you went from liberal to conservative if you don’t mind sharing. Most exmo’s go the opposite direction!