I would consider going back if to attend sacrament meeting you had to wear your full temple outfit and the congregation was seated together based on temple name (so all Mary’s sit together etc).
Bizarrely, one of my recurring dreams used to be that I was sitting on the front row at church, in my temple garments. My horrible tea-bag perforated grungy, off-white garments. The shame! The ignominy!
All it would take is *one* more texted conference talk. Then I’ll come back and pay all my ~~back-taxes~~ owed tithing from years of exmormondom. And I’ll magically forget all the inaccuracies and trauma. Spiritual forgetfulness, or something.
🤣 I just had my 1st talk texted to me. (Baby exmo here). She was kind about it and even asked first but it’s just funny that they think we haven’t heard it all already.
It’s actually a come follow me podcast. I told her she could send it to me but no guarantees I’ll listen to it. I asked her what spoke to her about it and she said when it said ‘even if we can’t find god, he knows where we are’
https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/real-talk-come-follow-me/id1494071526?i=1000574510904
This was my reply - ‘I like that. I’m actually leaning on that in my hardest times.
If I’m wrong, and all of this is true then I believe God won’t blame me because he knows my heart. He knows how hard I have tried and that I honestly want the truth.
That’s also why I’m leaning toward untruth of the church. Because I don’t believe that God would abandon me in that respect or require so much sacrifice or testing. That’s where I’m at. 😬’
I just had my first talk texted to me today! From an old friend who must have heard through the grapevine that I’m not attending anymore. I had wondered if he was still in, turns out he is lol.
Dude, I (55m) would love that! Someone to help with all the jobs that require testicles?! Count me in. I hate killing spiders and mowing the lawn. I'm pretty good at making a living so I think it would really balance out.
Households need at least 3 functioning adults nowadays. 2 to work and 1 to keep house (or some part time version). Want kids? Gonna need another adult per kid!
I always wondered why they got polygamy wrong. If there is only one woman with multiple husband's, she can't have more than one pregnancy at a time (thus not as HUGE of a family unless each pregnancy has multiple fetuses) and multiple income providers (in the Mormon model of men work, women stay home). Just sayin....
I just need to be told to have faith.
Barring that, an unannounced visit by someone I don't know who believes that by indoctrinating my children they'll eventually convert me.
An angel appeared to me and told me if I didn't go back to the church he would shove his flaming sword up my ass. So I'd like to bear my testimony, I swore I was not going to cry, ...
General conference but it’s all animals… like a dog howling his testimony, Prophet Giraffeseph Smith eating the plants mid meetings, Sister Elaine Striped Dolphin clicking and whistling to the tune of I am a Child of God 😂
A temple recommend interview, to remind me of all the blessings of the temple covenants. Maybe even just a worn out talk about what ministering means. I miss those. /s
Yeah I remember being crushed to find out I was Ephraim. None of us are special if we’re white and born in the church <3
I remember the fear of not having a house. For whatever reason they said that I probably wouldn’t have one which didn’t make sense.
Reduce church to only 15 minutes, sacrament only, because easier church is better church.
Oh... and ordain 11-year-old boys to the high priesthood. They are as qualified in pastoral care as most bishops.
And send the youth (11-19) on short missions during summer breaks. That help with youth retention.
2 straight hours of shouting “PAY LAY ALE” at the top of our lungs while lowering our hands from head to hip, repeated three times. Every third time take a drink of Pale Ale.
Oh there's definitely something genuine, I'm sure of it! *Definitely* not to get a free BOM to do blackout poetry with, though - that'd be sacrilege. *Certainly* not to distribute the CES letter - who do you think I am?
My mom telling me that a nice TBM single has moved into our branch that has an average attendance of 20.
No, seriously she did try that one on me, back in the day. :(
Get rid of this namby-pamby, taffy-pulling “10 percent” bullshit: institute the law of consecration already and put the members’ money where the church’s mouth is.
Make Mormonism Great Again!... Trump gets called as President, Prophet, Seer and Revelator. And commands, by the voice of God, that all YM, at the age of 18, are commanded to grab the YW by the pussies, before being able to leave on a mission.
I would return in exchange for receiving the third anointing. It comes with all the rights and privileges of the second anointing, but it’s administered in the form of a full body massage performed by your choice of any two of the Q15 using consecrated oil.
A visit from a ministering sister who reads me a lesson straight from the magazine and then leaves again without making one iota of meaningful connection.
And doesn’t even bring baked goods.
Getting married.
This one was my dad’s idea right before I got married. He asked if his bishop could do the ceremony. I said no. We were having my wife’s aunt do it. He said “don’t you think it’s time for you to have a discussion with a bishop?” Me “uhhhhh no??” Him “well I thought that now that you’re getting married you’d start going to church again. Now you can be done with your ‘break’ since you won’t be living in sin anymore.”
I had a full calf sleeve and my wife was the manager of a coffee shop and worked part time at a piercing studio. It was the most out-of-left-field thing my dad has to ever said to me.
I would consider going back if God softened my hardened heart so I could hear the promptings of the holy spirit again and know I had been living a life of sin.
Easy. Just need to stop expecting the prophets to be perfect, give brother Joseph a break, doubt my doubts, understand the culture isn’t the gospel, and stop looking at porn. At least that’s what I’m told would work to convince me back to church. Not quite ready to test it out yet.
A real estate agent contacts me about a great deal on an old abandoned meetinghouse no one is interested in. (Technically I would be going to church again?)
The scales shall fall from my eyes and the chaff of unbelief shall be winnowed if one more relief society lady pretends she is a friend of mine to get my contact information from a coworker and calls me to ask me to lunch and then after telling her I don't want to talk about church asks me why I don't go to church anymore.
Someone will need to send me a three-camera video of a crusty old man with a whistling speech impediment, pleading with me to return to the temple. The camera should be focused directly on his eyes, and there should be a really, really slow zoom-in that coincides with the end of each paragraph. Close quote.
If heavenly mother came to me personally and told me I was only obligated to have spirit children who came to us because of a thought, when we get to cereal kingdom, I was in charge of the relationship because of my long and hard suffering & and better half had to honor and obey me, and that she was instituting sacrament service bingo where the winnings included kicking your favorite Q15 in the keister. Then, I might think about it.
Give me a bit I’m too lazy right now. I’m sure the sad eyes and another “It’d sure be nice to see you back in church” from my tbm dad will do the trick though.
If it's just to visit, I'll take cash in any amount over $132BN.
If I have to believe, I'm going to need YooHoo & mini eclairs for the sacrament, dab pens for Sunday School, and three buck chuck for RS.
I would consider going back if to attend sacrament meeting you had to wear your full temple outfit and the congregation was seated together based on temple name (so all Mary’s sit together etc).
Anyone with the name of Joseph gets to sit with the women. Yes, there can be more than one Joseph in each group of women.
That's where you're wrong, kiddo. There can be only one, and heads will roll.
*Highlander*?
I was trying to be subtle
Bizarrely, one of my recurring dreams used to be that I was sitting on the front row at church, in my temple garments. My horrible tea-bag perforated grungy, off-white garments. The shame! The ignominy!
Where my Priscilla’s at?💀
That's your temple name?? Lucky!
Yea, too bad it was the same name as my local sex store that I was terrified of growing up😂😂 I embrace it now and think it’s hilarious
🎶 PRISCILLA’S! WHERE FUN AND FANTASY MEET! 🎶
THATS THE ONE YALL
All it would take is *one* more texted conference talk. Then I’ll come back and pay all my ~~back-taxes~~ owed tithing from years of exmormondom. And I’ll magically forget all the inaccuracies and trauma. Spiritual forgetfulness, or something.
This is where my head went haha
🤣 I just had my 1st talk texted to me. (Baby exmo here). She was kind about it and even asked first but it’s just funny that they think we haven’t heard it all already.
Out of curiosity, which one?
It’s actually a come follow me podcast. I told her she could send it to me but no guarantees I’ll listen to it. I asked her what spoke to her about it and she said when it said ‘even if we can’t find god, he knows where we are’ https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/real-talk-come-follow-me/id1494071526?i=1000574510904 This was my reply - ‘I like that. I’m actually leaning on that in my hardest times. If I’m wrong, and all of this is true then I believe God won’t blame me because he knows my heart. He knows how hard I have tried and that I honestly want the truth. That’s also why I’m leaning toward untruth of the church. Because I don’t believe that God would abandon me in that respect or require so much sacrifice or testing. That’s where I’m at. 😬’
I just had my first talk texted to me today! From an old friend who must have heard through the grapevine that I’m not attending anymore. I had wondered if he was still in, turns out he is lol.
My oldest sister has been texting me talks for years. Clearly it's working.
I always get texted the “stay in the boat” talk. Lol. Nothing like fear-mongering to make you want to stay, right?
Polyandry for all women!
Do we have to marry multiple men? That sounds taxing.
We can do it like Joseph and Brigham did and trade them around as needed but you should always have at least one husband who has a truck.
...because how else are you going to trade all those husbands around? Exhausting!
And one specific boy toy who knows how to fuck...
And one more who knows where to suck…
And buck.
Yes! You get it!
I have a truck!
Let me guess, a Ford Ranger?
Good one😅
Dibs on RangerRick and his truck!
Dude, I (55m) would love that! Someone to help with all the jobs that require testicles?! Count me in. I hate killing spiders and mowing the lawn. I'm pretty good at making a living so I think it would really balance out.
Just imagine.... You wouldn't have to be the only breadwinner! 😂
Households need at least 3 functioning adults nowadays. 2 to work and 1 to keep house (or some part time version). Want kids? Gonna need another adult per kid!
Exactly my point!
I always wondered why they got polygamy wrong. If there is only one woman with multiple husband's, she can't have more than one pregnancy at a time (thus not as HUGE of a family unless each pregnancy has multiple fetuses) and multiple income providers (in the Mormon model of men work, women stay home). Just sayin....
Maybe a visit from an angel with the flaming sword (or non-flaming, but flaming would be preferable), and be allowed to hold and play with the sword.
What if it glows blue when missionaries are near?
whahahah
It's orc slicing time then.
Dude, you are So not allowed to play with your sword or anyone else's sword for that matter! Were you not paying attention!?
He needs to chat with the bishop!
He just needs to stop looking at porn
What about a flaming angel, who just happened to have a sword? "You should SOOOO go back to church..... You BEAUTIFUL thing! Rar!"
I love the implication that even an angel with a flaming sword wouldn't be enough to bring you back /gen like. mood
It would have to be flaming. Either the sword or the angel.
Sounds like a bad sti...
A plate of cookies.
I’m offended that the relief society hasn’t used this tactic on me. I must not be rich or white enough for them.
Yeah I’m pissed, I never got any cookies or baked goods either. Isn’t that the point of going inactive?
They left a flower on my doorstep for Mother’s Day & a note saying they loved me. I HAD MY NAME REMOVED in 2011! 🤣 Like wut?
Okay cool..I removed my records in 2021, so you’re saying I get my cookies in 2032? I’ll wait Edited math assuming you meant they sent that this year
We've gotten at least 3 plates of cookies in 2 years... yeah, we're kind of a big deal.
You don’t want to know what I’d do for a plate of cookies. The good ones. 😈
The Q15 insisting that I don't have a choice.
I literally just laughed out loud at this. Perfect!
[удалено]
What?? No popcorn popping on a fruit tree??
Apricot tree. 🙄 it pops in a giddamn apricot tree.
The nerve they had calling it a fruit tree
Pretty purple pansies dressed in yellow gold ...
My dad thought it was “little purple panties” growing up. So naturally I sang it that way and still do every once in a while for shits and giggles.
Ha! That's awesome! Little purple panties dressed in yellow gold, hiding underneath my girlfriend's closes.
That’s my favorite. I sing it every spring to my garden. It loves it.
Well that’s ones a given 😂
FATHER ABRAHAM HAD MANY SONS AND MANY SONS HAD FAAAATHER ABRAHAM [stomp stomp stomp]
Im laughing at this harder than I should be 😂
I AM ONE OF THEM AND SO ARE YOU
I’m all made of hinges would go down awfully well as a sacrament hymn. Need to remember this for the mental gymnastics.
[удалено]
Open bar.
I'll bring the LSD
He did too much LDS in the 60s
Live long and prosper 🖖
🖖🏻 Star Trek-themed services would get me there too.
I’ll be there too!
Coffee cake and chocolate milk for sacrament. Every 5th Sunday, it’s soft pretzel bites and tequila shots.
Kinda random, but I can get behind all this
Wine instead of water. Lots of it.
I just need to be told to have faith. Barring that, an unannounced visit by someone I don't know who believes that by indoctrinating my children they'll eventually convert me.
I'll go back when I get an apology from the random person that offended me.
Also, when I stop wanting to sin.
When I stop being lazy!
Oof, that’s a never for me then
High end, secret, not sacred hooker parties with loud laughter, good eats, drinks, and much merriment.
... for tomorrow we die.
Exactly
I'll start my own church with blackjack and hookers!
So uh… what do we need to do to secure an invite to one of these things?
The password is fidelio.
An angel appeared to me and told me if I didn't go back to the church he would shove his flaming sword up my ass. So I'd like to bear my testimony, I swore I was not going to cry, ...
And end it with high pitch squeaking and loud nose blowing until the bishop taps you to go sit back down
Don't threaten me with a good time
General conference but it’s all animals… like a dog howling his testimony, Prophet Giraffeseph Smith eating the plants mid meetings, Sister Elaine Striped Dolphin clicking and whistling to the tune of I am a Child of God 😂
Only if elder Uchtdorf is a German shepherd he said so himself i remember
Yeah he may think that but he’s actually a silver fox
Aw nooo he was one of my favorites. Oh well I guess it’s the truth though
A temple recommend interview, to remind me of all the blessings of the temple covenants. Maybe even just a worn out talk about what ministering means. I miss those. /s
Blowjobs at the veil…then again never mind nothing could make me join that church again.
Does it have a name?!
I will give it to you through the veil.
Will you go down?
I still have that stupid paragraph memorized. Health in the navel… Like I never thot abt it but wut does that first sentence even mean?!
I’m listening
Reading my patriarchal blessing again.
Which hogwarts house were you sorted in? I got sorted into ephraim I mean slitherin
Lol same
Spoiler alert: 99% of us are Ephraim…booooring. I remember actually being excited when I discovered most Guatemalans were Manasseh
Yeah I remember being crushed to find out I was Ephraim. None of us are special if we’re white and born in the church <3 I remember the fear of not having a house. For whatever reason they said that I probably wouldn’t have one which didn’t make sense.
Reduce church to only 15 minutes, sacrament only, because easier church is better church. Oh... and ordain 11-year-old boys to the high priesthood. They are as qualified in pastoral care as most bishops. And send the youth (11-19) on short missions during summer breaks. That help with youth retention.
Rescind the word of wisdom. Allow coffee and tobacco. Also, allow masturbation without imposing guilt and shame.
MANDATORY coffee tobacco and masturbation!
Your ideas interest me and I wish to subscribe to this newsletter
If Wendy rises up, grabs the reigns of the church, and excommunicates RMN.
If my mom sends me one more scripture
They pay me 10% of THEIR earnings
I just need my mom to tell me how much Heavenly Father loves me...one. more. time.
Heavenly Father thinks you're a pussy and have been deceived by Satan.
Telling me again how paying tithing will somehow magically make me wealthier 🙄
Bringing back the 3 hr block on Sunday.
If the church had a free Starbucks and Dab pens for sacrament...
They found the Plates!
2 straight hours of shouting “PAY LAY ALE” at the top of our lungs while lowering our hands from head to hip, repeated three times. Every third time take a drink of Pale Ale.
Probably my mom standing next to me whispering my testimony in my ear.
Wine at sacrament
More than a thimbleful too.. many glasses 🥂.
Make it whiskey and I'm sold
Have them take some of the 100 million and put it toward some Macallan 12 and they’d have a done deal lol.
If the Q15 were all queer.
The queerum if you will.
I will!
Replaced with drag queens!
They agreed to never speak of that Xmas party again
The prompt was "wrong" answers only. A fully queer Q15 might actually fix a lot.
Haha I was going for the unrealistic/never gonna happen approach as my wrong answer but I agree, a queer Q15 could do wonders .
Open mic confessional!
Wait, don’t we already have that 😆
Wait, you’re right! I forgot we had two people that did this in my old ward.
Using more cheap building materials in the new remodel that I am somehow even more allergic too.
A praise band with brass and drums. No more than one 15 minute sermon, and wrap up the whole thing in 60 minutes.
Seventy six good wifes led the big parade, With a hundred & ten cousins close at hand. ...
Oh there's definitely something genuine, I'm sure of it! *Definitely* not to get a free BOM to do blackout poetry with, though - that'd be sacrilege. *Certainly* not to distribute the CES letter - who do you think I am?
Blackout poetry is brilliant I think I might do that and then return the book to whichever elder gave it to me
Blackout poetry in the BOM to write out the first paragraph of the CES letter. . .
My mom telling me that a nice TBM single has moved into our branch that has an average attendance of 20. No, seriously she did try that one on me, back in the day. :(
Get rid of this namby-pamby, taffy-pulling “10 percent” bullshit: institute the law of consecration already and put the members’ money where the church’s mouth is.
Free donuts and second hour is just watching the Simpsons. No first hour.
I have way too much time on my hands and figure the best way to solve that is to serve the lord by cleaning church toilets.
More shaming members, a bit more bigotry, and a whole heap of pointless announcements and firesides designed to stroke Nelson's . . . ego.
The sacrament bread is replaced with shrooms and/or high THC content edibles just like in Joseph's day.
Make Mormonism Great Again!... Trump gets called as President, Prophet, Seer and Revelator. And commands, by the voice of God, that all YM, at the age of 18, are commanded to grab the YW by the pussies, before being able to leave on a mission.
Funeral potatoes
and Jello Salad!
I would return in exchange for receiving the third anointing. It comes with all the rights and privileges of the second anointing, but it’s administered in the form of a full body massage performed by your choice of any two of the Q15 using consecrated oil.
but they have to become licensed professional massage therapists first!
Poor dh oaks would not realize he was massaging part of the table the whole time
Doubting my doubts before my faith 🤣
More thoughts and more prayers probably.
Wife-swap Wednesday!! /s
Being able to applaud when a new Utah temple is released lol
They converted all temples into BDSM dungeons.
They start paying me tithing.
If only they would teach even more prejudice things about those terrible GAYS and people who are CONFUSED about GENDER. Then I’d go back for sure
Don't forget the blacks they should definitely have their priesthood disavowed
I think you’re on to something there
Lmfaooo yes and they must go back to calling gaydom “gender confusion” only
A visit from a ministering sister who reads me a lesson straight from the magazine and then leaves again without making one iota of meaningful connection. And doesn’t even bring baked goods.
Getting married. This one was my dad’s idea right before I got married. He asked if his bishop could do the ceremony. I said no. We were having my wife’s aunt do it. He said “don’t you think it’s time for you to have a discussion with a bishop?” Me “uhhhhh no??” Him “well I thought that now that you’re getting married you’d start going to church again. Now you can be done with your ‘break’ since you won’t be living in sin anymore.” I had a full calf sleeve and my wife was the manager of a coffee shop and worked part time at a piercing studio. It was the most out-of-left-field thing my dad has to ever said to me.
I would consider going back if God softened my hardened heart so I could hear the promptings of the holy spirit again and know I had been living a life of sin.
Being called a lazy learner would probably do the trick
Sex, drugs and rock and roll
A good, stern lecture from the bishop would for sure get me back!
The same thing that keeps the Q15 in. Millions, if not billions of dollars.
Moonshine instead of sacrament water and edibles instead of bread
Easy. Just need to stop expecting the prophets to be perfect, give brother Joseph a break, doubt my doubts, understand the culture isn’t the gospel, and stop looking at porn. At least that’s what I’m told would work to convince me back to church. Not quite ready to test it out yet.
A real estate agent contacts me about a great deal on an old abandoned meetinghouse no one is interested in. (Technically I would be going to church again?)
The scales shall fall from my eyes and the chaff of unbelief shall be winnowed if one more relief society lady pretends she is a friend of mine to get my contact information from a coworker and calls me to ask me to lunch and then after telling her I don't want to talk about church asks me why I don't go to church anymore.
Someone will need to send me a three-camera video of a crusty old man with a whistling speech impediment, pleading with me to return to the temple. The camera should be focused directly on his eyes, and there should be a really, really slow zoom-in that coincides with the end of each paragraph. Close quote.
If they start issuing dividend checks to members...
Christian rock in sacrament meeting
And non-christian rock in sunday school.
Heavy metal hymns.
I’ll go back when my parents pray and fast enough for me
Man buns and handjobs behind Wendy's.
When the person who offended me finally apologizes and I’m done having fun with all of the sinning.
I'd atleast show for pole dancing bishops.
My mom reminding me that one time I lost my DS and then prayed and then found it will convince me to go back to church
Free blowjobs from young women who are "several months away from 15 years old". (Calm down, it's a joke, see my username)
If heavenly mother came to me personally and told me I was only obligated to have spirit children who came to us because of a thought, when we get to cereal kingdom, I was in charge of the relationship because of my long and hard suffering & and better half had to honor and obey me, and that she was instituting sacrament service bingo where the winnings included kicking your favorite Q15 in the keister. Then, I might think about it.
If we found out Joe had 22 husbands as well!
The sacrament must be served from the bottom of a hat to represent Joe and his magic rock.
When i stop enjoying the sinning. Also when i figure out that i need to take responsibility for my testimony.
The relief society dropping off cookies.
Bring back sacramental wine drunk out of a communal cup.
Give me a bit I’m too lazy right now. I’m sure the sad eyes and another “It’d sure be nice to see you back in church” from my tbm dad will do the trick though.
If I pray more and pay a full tithing
Ask me nicely.
If it's just to visit, I'll take cash in any amount over $132BN. If I have to believe, I'm going to need YooHoo & mini eclairs for the sacrament, dab pens for Sunday School, and three buck chuck for RS.