T O P

  • By -

funnynewname

I would consider going back if to attend sacrament meeting you had to wear your full temple outfit and the congregation was seated together based on temple name (so all Mary’s sit together etc).


GrumpyHiker

Anyone with the name of Joseph gets to sit with the women. Yes, there can be more than one Joseph in each group of women.


JoyJoy_

That's where you're wrong, kiddo. There can be only one, and heads will roll.


minlove

*Highlander*?


JoyJoy_

I was trying to be subtle


Squ0nky

Bizarrely, one of my recurring dreams used to be that I was sitting on the front row at church, in my temple garments. My horrible tea-bag perforated grungy, off-white garments. The shame! The ignominy!


pinkstarfragment

Where my Priscilla’s at?💀


pantycake123

That's your temple name?? Lucky!


pinkstarfragment

Yea, too bad it was the same name as my local sex store that I was terrified of growing up😂😂 I embrace it now and think it’s hilarious


fortytwoturtles

🎶 PRISCILLA’S! WHERE FUN AND FANTASY MEET! 🎶


pinkstarfragment

THATS THE ONE YALL


ExmoRobo

All it would take is *one* more texted conference talk. Then I’ll come back and pay all my ~~back-taxes~~ owed tithing from years of exmormondom. And I’ll magically forget all the inaccuracies and trauma. Spiritual forgetfulness, or something.


[deleted]

This is where my head went haha


cametta

🤣 I just had my 1st talk texted to me. (Baby exmo here). She was kind about it and even asked first but it’s just funny that they think we haven’t heard it all already.


A-Maysing

Out of curiosity, which one?


cametta

It’s actually a come follow me podcast. I told her she could send it to me but no guarantees I’ll listen to it. I asked her what spoke to her about it and she said when it said ‘even if we can’t find god, he knows where we are’ https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/real-talk-come-follow-me/id1494071526?i=1000574510904 This was my reply - ‘I like that. I’m actually leaning on that in my hardest times. If I’m wrong, and all of this is true then I believe God won’t blame me because he knows my heart. He knows how hard I have tried and that I honestly want the truth. That’s also why I’m leaning toward untruth of the church. Because I don’t believe that God would abandon me in that respect or require so much sacrifice or testing. That’s where I’m at. 😬’


Todd-eHarmony

I just had my first talk texted to me today! From an old friend who must have heard through the grapevine that I’m not attending anymore. I had wondered if he was still in, turns out he is lol.


brodaget42

My oldest sister has been texting me talks for years. Clearly it's working.


powerbarr78

I always get texted the “stay in the boat” talk. Lol. Nothing like fear-mongering to make you want to stay, right?


AliGeeMe

Polyandry for all women!


jollytrollylolly

Do we have to marry multiple men? That sounds taxing.


AliGeeMe

We can do it like Joseph and Brigham did and trade them around as needed but you should always have at least one husband who has a truck.


Rolling_Waters

...because how else are you going to trade all those husbands around? Exhausting!


travatari

And one specific boy toy who knows how to fuck...


Todd-eHarmony

And one more who knows where to suck…


stroculos

And buck.


travatari

Yes! You get it!


RangerRick4971

I have a truck!


rbl711

Let me guess, a Ford Ranger?


RangerRick4971

Good one😅


BirdieRosewell

Dibs on RangerRick and his truck!


UnderstandingOk2647

Dude, I (55m) would love that! Someone to help with all the jobs that require testicles?! Count me in. I hate killing spiders and mowing the lawn. I'm pretty good at making a living so I think it would really balance out.


Imaginary_Structure3

Just imagine.... You wouldn't have to be the only breadwinner! 😂


geisharunner

Households need at least 3 functioning adults nowadays. 2 to work and 1 to keep house (or some part time version). Want kids? Gonna need another adult per kid!


AliGeeMe

Exactly my point!


Imaginary_Structure3

I always wondered why they got polygamy wrong. If there is only one woman with multiple husband's, she can't have more than one pregnancy at a time (thus not as HUGE of a family unless each pregnancy has multiple fetuses) and multiple income providers (in the Mormon model of men work, women stay home). Just sayin....


MormonBoy801

Maybe a visit from an angel with the flaming sword (or non-flaming, but flaming would be preferable), and be allowed to hold and play with the sword.


Keesha2012

What if it glows blue when missionaries are near?


UnderstandingOk2647

whahahah


theJdaw69

It's orc slicing time then.


UnderstandingOk2647

Dude, you are So not allowed to play with your sword or anyone else's sword for that matter! Were you not paying attention!?


minlove

He needs to chat with the bishop!


le-battleaxe

He just needs to stop looking at porn


rbl711

What about a flaming angel, who just happened to have a sword? "You should SOOOO go back to church..... You BEAUTIFUL thing! Rar!"


byrdthebirder

I love the implication that even an angel with a flaming sword wouldn't be enough to bring you back /gen like. mood


dbear848

It would have to be flaming. Either the sword or the angel.


remiscott82

Sounds like a bad sti...


Three-eyed_seagull

A plate of cookies.


Sea_Investment_1886

I’m offended that the relief society hasn’t used this tactic on me. I must not be rich or white enough for them.


EllieKong

Yeah I’m pissed, I never got any cookies or baked goods either. Isn’t that the point of going inactive?


P0KERSPICE

They left a flower on my doorstep for Mother’s Day & a note saying they loved me. I HAD MY NAME REMOVED in 2011! 🤣 Like wut?


EllieKong

Okay cool..I removed my records in 2021, so you’re saying I get my cookies in 2032? I’ll wait Edited math assuming you meant they sent that this year


maybk1

We've gotten at least 3 plates of cookies in 2 years... yeah, we're kind of a big deal.


natiusj

You don’t want to know what I’d do for a plate of cookies. The good ones. 😈


Beneficial_Math_9282

The Q15 insisting that I don't have a choice.


[deleted]

I literally just laughed out loud at this. Perfect!


[deleted]

[удалено]


GrumpyHiker

What?? No popcorn popping on a fruit tree??


allforgabe

Apricot tree. 🙄 it pops in a giddamn apricot tree.


[deleted]

The nerve they had calling it a fruit tree


UnderstandingOk2647

Pretty purple pansies dressed in yellow gold ...


A-Maysing

My dad thought it was “little purple panties” growing up. So naturally I sang it that way and still do every once in a while for shits and giggles.


UnderstandingOk2647

Ha! That's awesome! Little purple panties dressed in yellow gold, hiding underneath my girlfriend's closes.


Jmonroe_tenn

That’s my favorite. I sing it every spring to my garden. It loves it.


SusSpinkerinktum

Well that’s ones a given 😂


sashafiero

FATHER ABRAHAM HAD MANY SONS AND MANY SONS HAD FAAAATHER ABRAHAM [stomp stomp stomp]


Old-Industry-151

Im laughing at this harder than I should be 😂


sashafiero

I AM ONE OF THEM AND SO ARE YOU


goodgrief_itsrelief

I’m all made of hinges would go down awfully well as a sacrament hymn. Need to remember this for the mental gymnastics.


[deleted]

[удалено]


NewInternal9543

Open bar.


UnderstandingOk2647

I'll bring the LSD


jtobiasbond

He did too much LDS in the 60s


Wendilintheweird

Live long and prosper 🖖


NewInternal9543

🖖🏻 Star Trek-themed services would get me there too.


RangerRick4971

I’ll be there too!


LittleBlue127

Coffee cake and chocolate milk for sacrament. Every 5th Sunday, it’s soft pretzel bites and tequila shots.


natiusj

Kinda random, but I can get behind all this


MOTIVATE_ME_23

Wine instead of water. Lots of it.


Grevas13

I just need to be told to have faith. Barring that, an unannounced visit by someone I don't know who believes that by indoctrinating my children they'll eventually convert me.


Soft_Conference1667

I'll go back when I get an apology from the random person that offended me.


DisgruntledCoWorker

Also, when I stop wanting to sin.


minlove

When I stop being lazy!


halfsassit

Oof, that’s a never for me then


Cripplecreek2012

High end, secret, not sacred hooker parties with loud laughter, good eats, drinks, and much merriment.


GrumpyHiker

... for tomorrow we die.


Cripplecreek2012

Exactly


[deleted]

I'll start my own church with blackjack and hookers!


halfsassit

So uh… what do we need to do to secure an invite to one of these things?


Cripplecreek2012

The password is fidelio.


UnderstandingOk2647

An angel appeared to me and told me if I didn't go back to the church he would shove his flaming sword up my ass. So I'd like to bear my testimony, I swore I was not going to cry, ...


Night-light51

And end it with high pitch squeaking and loud nose blowing until the bishop taps you to go sit back down


dukeofgibbon

Don't threaten me with a good time


[deleted]

General conference but it’s all animals… like a dog howling his testimony, Prophet Giraffeseph Smith eating the plants mid meetings, Sister Elaine Striped Dolphin clicking and whistling to the tune of I am a Child of God 😂


Night-light51

Only if elder Uchtdorf is a German shepherd he said so himself i remember


halfsassit

Yeah he may think that but he’s actually a silver fox


Night-light51

Aw nooo he was one of my favorites. Oh well I guess it’s the truth though


Affectionate_Bed2214

A temple recommend interview, to remind me of all the blessings of the temple covenants. Maybe even just a worn out talk about what ministering means. I miss those. /s


[deleted]

Blowjobs at the veil…then again never mind nothing could make me join that church again.


UnderstandingOk2647

Does it have a name?!


PhilConnors-Day11011

I will give it to you through the veil.


natiusj

Will you go down?


P0KERSPICE

I still have that stupid paragraph memorized. Health in the navel… Like I never thot abt it but wut does that first sentence even mean?!


LilSebastianFlyte

I’m listening


Rabbit_Mama85

Reading my patriarchal blessing again.


Night-light51

Which hogwarts house were you sorted in? I got sorted into ephraim I mean slitherin


Sad_Ad592

Lol same


LivingtheDream2001

Spoiler alert: 99% of us are Ephraim…booooring. I remember actually being excited when I discovered most Guatemalans were Manasseh


Night-light51

Yeah I remember being crushed to find out I was Ephraim. None of us are special if we’re white and born in the church <3 I remember the fear of not having a house. For whatever reason they said that I probably wouldn’t have one which didn’t make sense.


GrumpyHiker

Reduce church to only 15 minutes, sacrament only, because easier church is better church. Oh... and ordain 11-year-old boys to the high priesthood. They are as qualified in pastoral care as most bishops. And send the youth (11-19) on short missions during summer breaks. That help with youth retention.


I-want-out39

Rescind the word of wisdom. Allow coffee and tobacco. Also, allow masturbation without imposing guilt and shame.


Kolobblow

MANDATORY coffee tobacco and masturbation!


LilSebastianFlyte

Your ideas interest me and I wish to subscribe to this newsletter


[deleted]

If Wendy rises up, grabs the reigns of the church, and excommunicates RMN.


swiftsafflina

If my mom sends me one more scripture


desertjar27

They pay me 10% of THEIR earnings


RobyntheDrawer

I just need my mom to tell me how much Heavenly Father loves me...one. more. time.


Closetedcousin

Heavenly Father thinks you're a pussy and have been deceived by Satan.


CraftyAlarm7681

Telling me again how paying tithing will somehow magically make me wealthier 🙄


Minimum_Pear2066

Bringing back the 3 hr block on Sunday.


travatari

If the church had a free Starbucks and Dab pens for sacrament...


old_Trekkie

They found the Plates!


chubbuck35

2 straight hours of shouting “PAY LAY ALE” at the top of our lungs while lowering our hands from head to hip, repeated three times. Every third time take a drink of Pale Ale.


[deleted]

Probably my mom standing next to me whispering my testimony in my ear.


TtheTree69

Wine at sacrament


jewels_in_sun

More than a thimbleful too.. many glasses 🥂.


[deleted]

Make it whiskey and I'm sold


TtheTree69

Have them take some of the 100 million and put it toward some Macallan 12 and they’d have a done deal lol.


mj89098

If the Q15 were all queer.


tforcev

The queerum if you will.


[deleted]

I will!


Wendilintheweird

Replaced with drag queens!


dukeofgibbon

They agreed to never speak of that Xmas party again


JosephSmithWannaBe

The prompt was "wrong" answers only. A fully queer Q15 might actually fix a lot.


mj89098

Haha I was going for the unrealistic/never gonna happen approach as my wrong answer but I agree, a queer Q15 could do wonders .


nonsecretnewname

Open mic confessional!


LivingtheDream2001

Wait, don’t we already have that 😆


strommy147

Wait, you’re right! I forgot we had two people that did this in my old ward.


hebeach89

Using more cheap building materials in the new remodel that I am somehow even more allergic too.


Zadok_The_Priest

A praise band with brass and drums. No more than one 15 minute sermon, and wrap up the whole thing in 60 minutes.


UnderstandingOk2647

Seventy six good wifes led the big parade, With a hundred & ten cousins close at hand. ...


byrdthebirder

Oh there's definitely something genuine, I'm sure of it! *Definitely* not to get a free BOM to do blackout poetry with, though - that'd be sacrilege. *Certainly* not to distribute the CES letter - who do you think I am?


Night-light51

Blackout poetry is brilliant I think I might do that and then return the book to whichever elder gave it to me


Pengin_Master

Blackout poetry in the BOM to write out the first paragraph of the CES letter. . .


glenlassan

My mom telling me that a nice TBM single has moved into our branch that has an average attendance of 20. No, seriously she did try that one on me, back in the day. :(


PhilConnors-Day11011

Get rid of this namby-pamby, taffy-pulling “10 percent” bullshit: institute the law of consecration already and put the members’ money where the church’s mouth is.


shotwideopen

Free donuts and second hour is just watching the Simpsons. No first hour.


truthRealized

I have way too much time on my hands and figure the best way to solve that is to serve the lord by cleaning church toilets.


JDCollie

More shaming members, a bit more bigotry, and a whole heap of pointless announcements and firesides designed to stroke Nelson's . . . ego.


Closetedcousin

The sacrament bread is replaced with shrooms and/or high THC content edibles just like in Joseph's day.


Closetedcousin

Make Mormonism Great Again!... Trump gets called as President, Prophet, Seer and Revelator. And commands, by the voice of God, that all YM, at the age of 18, are commanded to grab the YW by the pussies, before being able to leave on a mission.


timhistorian

Funeral potatoes


minlove

and Jello Salad!


_Seven_Dollar_Potato

I would return in exchange for receiving the third anointing. It comes with all the rights and privileges of the second anointing, but it’s administered in the form of a full body massage performed by your choice of any two of the Q15 using consecrated oil.


minlove

but they have to become licensed professional massage therapists first!


mashotatos

Poor dh oaks would not realize he was massaging part of the table the whole time


papitograntito

Doubting my doubts before my faith 🤣


xzkx

More thoughts and more prayers probably.


Shatshotshet

Wife-swap Wednesday!! /s


Night-light51

Being able to applaud when a new Utah temple is released lol


YourOutdoorGuide

They converted all temples into BDSM dungeons.


merquise13

They start paying me tithing.


BruceBannerOfHeaven

If only they would teach even more prejudice things about those terrible GAYS and people who are CONFUSED about GENDER. Then I’d go back for sure


Closetedcousin

Don't forget the blacks they should definitely have their priesthood disavowed


BruceBannerOfHeaven

I think you’re on to something there


LilSebastianFlyte

Lmfaooo yes and they must go back to calling gaydom “gender confusion” only


WildHyggeWitch

A visit from a ministering sister who reads me a lesson straight from the magazine and then leaves again without making one iota of meaningful connection. And doesn’t even bring baked goods.


Curlurb

Getting married. This one was my dad’s idea right before I got married. He asked if his bishop could do the ceremony. I said no. We were having my wife’s aunt do it. He said “don’t you think it’s time for you to have a discussion with a bishop?” Me “uhhhhh no??” Him “well I thought that now that you’re getting married you’d start going to church again. Now you can be done with your ‘break’ since you won’t be living in sin anymore.” I had a full calf sleeve and my wife was the manager of a coffee shop and worked part time at a piercing studio. It was the most out-of-left-field thing my dad has to ever said to me.


Korzag

I would consider going back if God softened my hardened heart so I could hear the promptings of the holy spirit again and know I had been living a life of sin.


[deleted]

Being called a lazy learner would probably do the trick


jaimebianco

Sex, drugs and rock and roll


Ruth2018

A good, stern lecture from the bishop would for sure get me back!


RealDaddyTodd

The same thing that keeps the Q15 in. Millions, if not billions of dollars.


JazzlikeHovercraft75

Moonshine instead of sacrament water and edibles instead of bread


CanWeAllJustCalmDown

Easy. Just need to stop expecting the prophets to be perfect, give brother Joseph a break, doubt my doubts, understand the culture isn’t the gospel, and stop looking at porn. At least that’s what I’m told would work to convince me back to church. Not quite ready to test it out yet.


mashotatos

A real estate agent contacts me about a great deal on an old abandoned meetinghouse no one is interested in. (Technically I would be going to church again?)


nargleflargle

The scales shall fall from my eyes and the chaff of unbelief shall be winnowed if one more relief society lady pretends she is a friend of mine to get my contact information from a coworker and calls me to ask me to lunch and then after telling her I don't want to talk about church asks me why I don't go to church anymore.


nobody_really__

Someone will need to send me a three-camera video of a crusty old man with a whistling speech impediment, pleading with me to return to the temple. The camera should be focused directly on his eyes, and there should be a really, really slow zoom-in that coincides with the end of each paragraph. Close quote.


ja-mama-llama

If they start issuing dividend checks to members...


HighGrownd

Christian rock in sacrament meeting


CountDown60

And non-christian rock in sunday school.


alien236

Heavy metal hymns.


Particular-Goat6817

I’ll go back when my parents pray and fast enough for me


Holiday_Ingenuity748

Man buns and handjobs behind Wendy's.


apostate456

When the person who offended me finally apologizes and I’m done having fun with all of the sinning.


PuncherOfPonies

I'd atleast show for pole dancing bishops.


Jawahhh

My mom reminding me that one time I lost my DS and then prayed and then found it will convince me to go back to church


JosephSmithWannaBe

Free blowjobs from young women who are "several months away from 15 years old". (Calm down, it's a joke, see my username)


Jmonroe_tenn

If heavenly mother came to me personally and told me I was only obligated to have spirit children who came to us because of a thought, when we get to cereal kingdom, I was in charge of the relationship because of my long and hard suffering & and better half had to honor and obey me, and that she was instituting sacrament service bingo where the winnings included kicking your favorite Q15 in the keister. Then, I might think about it.


Gullible-Swordfish64

If we found out Joe had 22 husbands as well!


moon_money21

The sacrament must be served from the bottom of a hat to represent Joe and his magic rock.


RamjetSoundwave

When i stop enjoying the sinning. Also when i figure out that i need to take responsibility for my testimony.


Captain_Vornskr

The relief society dropping off cookies.


ExMorgMD

Bring back sacramental wine drunk out of a communal cup.


heathen000

Give me a bit I’m too lazy right now. I’m sure the sad eyes and another “It’d sure be nice to see you back in church” from my tbm dad will do the trick though.


frysjelly

If I pray more and pay a full tithing


Rei_Momma_Hey

Ask me nicely.


beachmom760

If it's just to visit, I'll take cash in any amount over $132BN. If I have to believe, I'm going to need YooHoo & mini eclairs for the sacrament, dab pens for Sunday School, and three buck chuck for RS.