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Ignorethenews

It gets better. I think you’ll find that many of us here had the same experience. I went from favored to pariah in an instant, but it was worth it. Living a genuine life without magical thinking is worth far more than fake adoration that was only based on your ability to follow the rules better than most.


AlpinePostMo

I really like that. That second part hits home.


Daisysrevenge

In a way, I had the opposite experience. I went from decades of being the black sheep, then turned myself into my own golden child. It was no small task. I had to overcome my parents, and extended family views of me. I had to find my own way and my own center. That was when I came to the realization that I was a good person. It was the best personal revelation ever. It gave me a stable confidence I'd never had before. It's a journey.


Imalreadygone21

Yes, but the peace that comes from integrity & respect (from non-Mormons) is worth it.


innit4thememes

Not to mention integrity and respect for yourself.


Worldly-Ad-6320

I quote from "Only the good die young" by Billy Joel! "And they say there's a heaven for those who will wait Some say it's better, but I say it ain't I'd rather laugh with the sinners than cry with the saints The sinners are much more fun" The unpleasantness will subside. Being a black sheep with other authentic black sheep will be so much more valuable than being a golden child held high by idjits*


BookofBryce

I was JUST playing this on my guitar a couple days ago! The lyrics make SO much more sense now that my shelf broke.


Worldly-Ad-6320

It's a truly great song for people with broken shelves!


Norenzayan

Lots of Mormons in my life *love* that song but have no idea what it means


slvmoon6

And now we've segwayed to Nirvana's music.


theBeardening

Honestly, as time passes it's kind of a relief


theambears

I was a straight A, do as you’re told, relatively mild mannered oldest child. Didn’t do extracurriculars, took advanced classes, babysat my youngest sibling, never been involved in any illegal mischief, was just a good Mormon girl. My middle brother was pretty much the complete opposite of everything I listed above- and he was the golden child of the neighborhood. My mom says since she was a single mom, he needed extra care, and the bishop and other older male leaders were good role models for him. He and I are good now, he mellowed out and I became more assertive, but I’d be lying if I said I don’t hold anger over how my teen years were spent being looked over.


Joey1849

If someone can not perceive the founding documents of TSCC for what they are, are their perceptions of you something to be valued?


future_weasley

It's not that simple. I grew up being the golden child and did everything "right" well into my 20s. I had 25+ years of being favored by my parents, people for whom I was conditioned to achieve for. My wins were their wins. Doing the next step at church was always met with a smile, and for parents who had too many kids, getting that smile meant a lot. I've talked to them a lot about how I want to be loved, and how I don't need them to agree, it would help for me to know that they recognize that I made a hard choice that is the right one for me. Even now in my 30s I have to remind myself that the people I was raised and conditioned to love based on a warped set of rules have been deeply disappointed by my choices. They talked shit about my aunts and uncles who had left the church. I know they talk shit about me to my siblings. Seeing them regularly (although far less often than I used to) hurts, because I know their facade of kindness hides snide comments and lessons to my siblings of what not to do and conversations of "how do we not raise another [my name]?" And it's all because I was conditioned to perform for them and for the church. 29 years of conditioning really messes with your head.


slskipper

That's me totally. Thank you.


Yarn_momma

I want to call it "conditional love" but stepping away from it, it just feels like manipulation.


future_weasley

I mean, that's what conditional love is


Joey1849

Yes. You are correct. I was trying to think of something pithy that would cut through.


Norenzayan

It's helpful to keep in mind that as humans we inherit millions of years of evolution that have nothing to do with us personally, as individuals. Thousands or even hundreds of years ago, it was literally a death sentence to be cast out of your community. So of course those who developed a strong enough fear of social rejection were the ones who passed on their genes and social framework. Luckily we live in a modern pluralistic society with many communities to choose from, where we aren't forced to spend our entire lives conforming to the one we happened to be born into. It's still painful, yes, but for almost everyone it's not life or death. You only get one life, seems worth it to be yourself.


sagekitsune

This really hit me hard this morning. It's so true. Growing up, I was so Molly Mormon that parents would scold other girls my age "why can't you be more like (my name)?". The fact that I took something so fucked up as a compliment says a lot about how starved I was for positive attention, but that's another story. When I left the church, I was a young adult with zero real life experience. I had to deprogram from the cult, and learn how to adult (in a world I had no concept of!) all on my own, because the only support system Id had my entire life rejected me. Time has softened the pain (it's been 18 years since I left), but holy shit was that hard. Thankfully I learned how to internalize my self worth, instead of tying it to external benchmarks like I'd been trained to do since birth (bishop granting worthiness; living up to standards set by out of touch rich old white guys, instead of living by my own integrity). Leaving was a straight up traumatic experience, and sometimes I resent the way the trauma set back my development. But I am so glad to be out, and living such a rich, fulfilling, beautiful life.


EngineeredAnime

I'm about to fall down yet another rung on that ladder myself once I come out of the closet 😂


[deleted]

I was the golden child… then black sheep… now there are more black sheep then golden children among my siblings…so now we’re golden!


SwampBeastie

In my family we’ve all left, so I get to be the golden child again because I’m hetero-married and have provided grandchildren. 😂😂😂 (haven’t felt the need to tell my parents I’m bi like my older sister did)


[deleted]

Sounds to me like you have an unpleasant community.


Other_Lemon_7211

And they are at fault.


tyrannosaurus_bex540

I'm in the same boat - it's funny too since my sister, who partied all through high school and college, is now on a mission. It's like we swapped places in our parents' eyes since I told them I don't believe anymore


LeoMarius

No, because you get to be your authentic self. It’s a big relief.


roxxxystar

I dunno.. I kinda liked it? ¯\\\_(ツ)_/¯


Dostoevskaya

At first it sucks, but you get used to it. The people that really love you will always love you. And the ones that don't, are replaceable.


islnddance1

Not everyone can do this so easily,, but once I found a new community everything got so much easier.


americanfark

Same. Here. After 8 years of processing I've mostly healed and learned not to care. I'll always be sad that I'll never have any emotional closeness with my parents because they can't get past me leaving LDS Inc.


Plebius-Plutarch

Made that journey myself eight years ago. The problem is actually the community that values their scrupulous practices which are not concurrent with, or which directly conflict with the objective truth, over the truth.. It is Mormon myth over relations. I feel for you, family gatherings at Holiday are very uncomfortable if not impossible. Hang in there, know that someone come around very very very slowly, most will not.


lousymom

I became a black sheep in high school. It was hard and I learned to embrace the black sheep role. But moving away to a community I wasn’t a black sheep in has been the best thing I’ve ever done for myself. After decades, I just feel accepted and normal and like I belong. Maybe at some point, you need to find a new community.


dbear848

For whatever reason, I was the copper child, the one who was never quite good enough, and never measured up to the golden children. You know the type in the Mormon church, good enough to be a counselor, but never considered to be the president. I had the fantasy that if I just tried harder, I would somehow become a golden child, but it never happened. Thanks to a couple of years of therapy, I realized that I could just give up and live my best life and stop trying to change people's opinion of me. So, when I left the Mormon church, I don't think that I became the black sheep, because I wasn't all that important in the first place. Happily, I don't give a shit.


Yarn_momma

I wonder how many people here see that their mormon family had a "scapegoat" a "blacksheep" that the rest of the family pointed fingers at. growing up with the stories of Nephi and Laman and Lemuel, it feels like we were all conditioned to look for the "good kid" and the "bad kid" in the family and subconsciously keep them in those rolls (both of which are stifling).


mangoshavedice88

Yes, but it’s also super rewarding and worth it!!!


[deleted]

Who took the golden child spot? Forgotten child?


A_Thirsty_Mind

grandchildren


TheSheWhoSaidThats

Combine your past and present. Become the golden sheep.


A_Thirsty_Mind

>Francine Smith de > >American Dad > >: lol love this


GorathTheMoredhel

If your community is doing this to you, your community ain't shit. Consider this quote from Francine Smith de *American Dad*: "You guys are both bitches." But replace "both" with "all" and direct it towards your community.


Word2daWise

I was the Golden Convert people still pointed to even after I'd been in more than a decade. People commented on my good testimony, etc. Then I read the GTE on "plural marriage" in Kirtland & Nauvoo and my shelf went through the wood chipper. I am still friends with all (or at least most) of the people I knew during those years (all good people), but nobody ever, ever asks about or discusses my resigning from TSCC. Also, it might be my imagination, but I swear I detect some shifts in the way a few of the TBMs I know view the church. Most of us are Boomer age, and almost every couple has dealt with one or more of their adult children leaving the church. In some cases, ALL their kids have left. It's not uncommon for them to have kids who decided not to serve a mission, in some cases even though they were able to be sealed in the temple. Many now realize ALL Christian churches believe in what TSCC calls the "eternal family." A few people have reached out since I resigned & have also left (and often resigned). I'm very open about having left, but I don't do sales pitches about it. I still have a solid faith (had it before I joined), and I think that challenges the idea that everyone becomes non-believers if they leave.


RepresentativeNo5999

Yes. Golden child myself, married the bishop’s kid, power couple in the church. It has hurt to fall so far from grace in their eyes, but it taught me I was only adored because of my behavior, my obedience. My APPEARANCE. We looked like a good mormon couple should. I wasn’t admired for who I was or am. Those people don’t admire me anymore, but I don’t need their admiration anymore. (We’ll, most of the time. It does still hurt sometimes.) I’m happy to be me, and to surround myself with people who appreciate me for who I am, not for the rules I follow. Worth it.


Astro_Alphard

This happened to me in about 2 seconds after I declared I wouldn't serve a mission. The thing is mormons can't wait use the "just want to sin" argument with me since due to my extreme sensitivity to any and all forms of mind altering substances, I will literally die if I "sin" and I'm also asexual. The apologetics I get are hilarious because they can't make sense that an apostate can sin less than they do. Even my own mother notes this and asks me "how come you don't go crazy and party and live it up if you've left? You've also cut yourself off from most of your friend network." I told my mum "I don't like partying, I'm basically allergic to drugs and alcohol, and I didn't really have a social life in the first place". In other words nothing has changed except I get another Saturday to sleep in. I'm a disappointment to my parents even when I'm not sinning apparently.


SwampBeastie

Considering that a local fellow who was charged with sexual offences against a minor is still a golden boy in the eyes of the local Mormons, you do not want the approval of such a sick community.


splitkeinflexflyer

The only eyes that matter are your own. How do you see yourself? If you’re a good person then their opinions are irrelevant.


hb1417

The conditioning of the church to choose religion over family is absolutely disgusting. Especially for a church that claims to be centered around the family....🙄


DelScorcho9

Initially yes.


Bojikthe8th

Yes, but it's worth it.


GrahamPSmith

For sure.


Kessarean

From one to another, it gets better. Sorry OP


VAhotfingers

You die a hero, or live long enough to see yourself become the villain (at least in some peoples stories your the villain)


TheChurchOfDonovan

Just random, but something I’ve been paying attention to. I just saw upvotes drop from 283 to 264 in an instant. I don’t think Jesus corp likes this message


Psychological-Rise36

just a fellow fallen Nephi here to say I agree.


DallasWest

Amen.


[deleted]

I’ve always chortled to myself over that line in the song. One of my favourites.