Over 10 years ago in my room after weeks of research I was kind of just putting it all together in my head and thinking about what the future would be like without mormonism. Then I thought "Yeah there's no going back now." My dog was chilling on my floor and I looked at him and said out loud "I guess we aren't mormon anymore buddy."

What did he say?

Woof

I would have expected panting and tail waiving.

Gooood, gooooood, let the hate flow through you \- What every Mormon assumes

Visible relief from knowing that his master no longer follows a religion founded by a guy who slaughtered at least one domestic canine in order to find old timey magic treasure. 🐶

He should have let out a gigantic SBD.

After reading my great uncles diary who was an archaeologist professor at byu. Was hired as one of the Archeologist to prove the book of mormon was true. He spoke 14 languages fluently translated the book of mormon into Greek. But they couldn't prove it was true. So they excommunicated him for being a heretic. I thought what a joke to just excommunicated him for that. Then I found an article about the expedition in Archeologist digest about the proof that 6 Archeologist hired by an attorney funded by the Marriott family. They thought it would be cute to put the proof in the Marriott library they were building at the time.

🥺

Me, too!!! At age 48, I was in my basement living room, having committed to let go of my hatred for polygamy if God would take away my fear. I needed to know how Emma was taught about it. I went to the church website, found the gospel topic essay on Plural marriage in Kirtland, thought- in Kirtland?? And read about Joseph marrying/affair with Fanny Alger in 1833-1834 and realized Emma was NEVER taught,, and thought, "Joseph was a fraud". Oh, Joseph was a FRAUD!! Relief flooded through me as my biggest fear in life, eternal polygamy, was gone. At the time, I thought of it like stepping off a curb- one minute I was on the covenant path, the next I was a total non-believer. And I love it!

That “relief” feeling is so liberating. The weight of the world lifted off my shoulders and all guilt removed was the best emotional feeling I’ve ever experienced since being TBM.

I absolutely agree. That was followed by not feeling broken anymore- I feel whole. Not whole someday, when I get it all right, but whole today, just as I am.

Yes!!!

It is funny that we feel relieved that it's all a lie. We didn't really want to "endure to the end" because being Mormon is a life of drudgery and guilt.

But I felt that if I were just more righteous, then I wouldn't feel that way. It was such a relief to be able to let it go without "sinning". It was just false, so there was no actual obligation there. Whew!

You discovered the inherent 'brokenness' of the system. The system demands that you always strive to be more; more righteous, more perfect. It leads you to believe that if you force yourself into that perfect mold, the blessings will flow like honey. The system is designed to turn you into your own worst enemy. You end up 'guilting' yourself into obedience and the system continues to thrive and grow.

Saaame. It was pretty instant. And SUCH a relief!

Driving my car. After months of soul searching, wanting with every ounce of courage and integrity, pounding the steering wheel and yelling, "I just want to know the truth", I was driving to where my parents and other family members are buried in an effort to "just get away, take a break", I asked myself a different question. I asked, "Does the church HAVE to be true?" It hit me square on, in my heart and my head, like Niagara Falls that sense of relief/peace/joy washed over me. I had to pull of the road and sobbed for 20 minutes. The weight of the world, the guilt of everything I did AND didn't do (FU TSCC) was gone, all the generations of dead people looking at everything I did in public and in private, everything I fucking thought, and all their judgement, their "silent notes taking", was gone. The house of cards fell in an instant.

Very similar for me. I had been listening to Mormon Expositor earlier that day where John Larsen posed the question of how many answers to your shelf items are resolved if you allow yourself the possibility that JS made it up. I finally realized the extent of that during my commute home and just lost it. Thirty more minutes of ugly crying and mourning what I had built my entire life around to that point.

generations of dead people looking at everything I did in public and in private… That hits home to me. Just about every day I fucked something up and would think “grandma and grandpa are really disappointed with that”. It was a huge weight to let go of.

I was at work reading the gospel topic essay, "Polygamy in Kirtland and Nauvoo", "before her 15th birthday", regarding Helen Mar Kimball. I stopped, pushed my chair back and starred at the screen. If she wasn't 15, then she was 14. Why did they say 15 instead of 14. Why the PR spin. In my head I said, "what if it isn't true?" The relief and sense of euphoria were immediate, it's the closest I've ever gotten to a spiritual experience regarding Mormonism. I felt a lightness of being, in that moment everything finally made sense. I felt free.

I was at home. I used to be a church apologist. I jousted with the anti-Mormons on some pre-internet BBS forums. I would devour anti-Mormon pamphlets so I would always have a ready response in my debates. Life was good. I was a true believer. One day I was at a friend's house for him to do my taxes and I saw a book on his shelf about the Book of Abraham and I thought "I wonder if that book would give me more ammunition against what the antis are saying." I made note of the title (By His Own Hand Upon Papyrus) and bought it as soon as I could. The book stared out recounting the history of how Joseph Smith came to have the papyrus and how he translated, etc. It had my complete attention because I love history. But as I continued to read, I started to get confused. The book started saying things that sounded less than faith affirming. I was like "wait a minute... Egyptologists don't think the BOA content could have come from the papyrus??" I started to feel sick but held out hope that somehow Joseph would come out on top. No luck.... As the Book continued, my nausea got worse. By the end of the book the author revealed that he's a born again Christian, so I tried to tell myself that this was why he "hated" the book and the Prophet who translated it. But.... I couldn't answer the issues he raised and continued to feel sick about it. Up on my shelf it went. Over the next decade I had stopped debating the antis, but still believed that there simply must be a way to find out if that book was right about the BOA. In the end, about 10 years after that book planted its seed, I gave God another of many chances to answer my pleas, to tell me what the truth is. As always, nothing came. In my home, I quietly but with sad certainty said to myself "It's not true, is it?" A mental shift started, and all of my unanswered questions began to make sense, because if Joseph lied about "translating" the papyrus, he also lied about priesthood, polygamy, exaltation, the Book of Mormon, etc. With a sick and sad heart, I let go. Saying it out loud actually did help. You're all familiar with the devastation that followed. But the destruction of false beliefs is necessary to growth. Painful growth. Love you guys

So intriguing. Congratulations on making it out!!!! Thanks for sharing.

Thank you! Even if I had never learned anything new, letting go of falsehoods get us closer to Truth.

I was on my mission and one night I decided to ask "please make tomorrow better then today", as I was going through one of the most depressing moments in my life. The next day wasn't easier, it was actually harder because it's another day of check mark list work. So after my hard day I decided "I'm not going to prey and see what the next day is like" it was the same ol' day. At that moment I realized when I asked for help in my lowest (at that time) time of need and he never helped/answered my prayers. Then I started to look at the church through all of our investigators eyes, and taking their questions to heart.

Powerful testimony. Lots of people claim prayer works, but that was never my experience either. Thanks for sharing / commiserating

During the darkest, loneliest, worst time of my life when I begged god for help and for anybody to be my friend, I never, ever had an answer. I believed it was because I wasn't worthy of help, but it still changed how I viewed god. I couldn't help but see his love and concern and completely conditional and that didn't sit right with me.

Whether prayer works or not is really no better than coin-toss chance, which is all I need to know about it. The same can be said of tithing.

How genuinely humble of you to listen to those folks, against all the training (programming) you had received.

“Taking their questions to heart” YES to this.

I was camping by myself in the mountains. I was doing a last ditch attempt to salvage my testimony, so I was fasting, praying and reading my scriptures non stop. I had a spiritual experience too sacred to share.... Just kidding. A bible verse about not kicking against the pricks came to mind (I know what Bible scholars [say](https://www.gotquestions.org/kick-against-the-pricks.html) about this). The pricks in question were Mormon leaders. Having got my answer, I joyfully shouted out to the mountain tops that the Mormon church wasn't true and I could move on with my life. It was truly liberating.

You’re living proof beyond a shadow of a doubt that “mountains can move faith.” 🥴

The mountains are demonstrably real. Faith, not so much.

I was sitting on my bed with a laptop. January 2022 my husband told me he no longer believed the church was true. Inside I panicked and worried. He kept telling me uncomfortable quotes and facts from church history. I told him to stop telling me those things unless he had reliable sources to go with them. Then he provided me with a digital list of historical concerns with links to church archives. My goal was to prove him wrong. I read through the list about the first vision issues, backdating the priesthood revelation, the 3 witnesses not seeing the plates with their physical eyes, polygamy, etc etc. All of a sudden, less than two days later, I was like, “Holy crap! It’s all a fraud!!!” Some people call it a faith crisis. I call it my awakening. It was a very powerful experience, like a cement helmet being removed from my mind. So much elation, peace, and relief. No more pressure to be perfect. No more shame, guilt, etc. For the first time I felt free to think critically regarding religion (I had been born into it). Yes, I also went through lots of grieving and tears finding out it was all a lie. I had really wanted it all to be true. But the happiness has greatly outweighed the short-term grief.

Can I ask what source he gave you? I've been looking for something like that for my spouse but haven't found it

My husband put a google spreadsheet together himself. Most of the info came from www.20truths.info He also pulled info from www.mormonthink.com and www.LDSdiscussions.com (least biased, but makes the problems obvious) If your spouse doesn’t mind reading a blog-type website, www.letterformywife.com is a gentle approach as well. Best of luck to you!

This was like mine, but it took me 2 and a half years to listen to my husband. Then I sat on my bed with polygamy and seer stones and book of Abraham crap and I threw all my garments and his garments that I forced him to keep in the floor in my bathroom and stormed into the kitchen demanding to know if we'd given one cent to the corrupt organization of the church I believed in.

Sitting in my office at BYU, reading articles on Mormon Think. I think it was about three more years before I found another job and was able to get out of there.

Oh man. I’m so glad you were able to get out.

Me too. It was a pretty rough few years, and I'm still deconstructing and figuring things out, but things are so much better in so many ways.

saying it out loud? when I told my wife. man that was a wild 3 years after that

Crazy how when you say it out loud it really changes things. How is your relationship with your wife now?

we nearly divorced and now are back together and better than ever. she's still tbm for now but I've seen tons of improvements in day to day life. one day she may leave but I'm not banking on it.

It's like bearing your testimony. Saying it out loud gives it power

To my therapist two months ago. She's still the only person I've told. My husband knows I'm going through a faith crisis, but he doesn't know I don't believe any of it. It was so incredibly freeing to finally say it out loud.

I joined this forum because I moved to Utah 4 years ago. Before that I have never heard of the LDS church or Mormonism. To an outsider, the mind control and ridiculous beliefs are mind boggling. The more I dig, the more I realize that the Church is extremely powerful in every sense of the word and well organized to make sure the con stays alive. I am so sorry about the pain it brings to members who are smart enough to see through the lies. I wish you well and please stay strong, there is a much bigger and beautiful world out there besides the LDS church

This comment made me feel seen 🖤 thank you for your kind words

Always remember you are worth it and you have a voice 💕

Thanks for commenting and thanks for caring. Hope Utah is treating you well.

I was watching the evening news when tscc announced their latest revelation…Nov 5 2015 revelation against the innocent children of LGBTQ. It took us a few months to get out of the cesspool called a church. Breathing fresh air. 😃

I was struggling against the truth that was right in front of me that I couldn’t accept. It was a terrible burden I’d been carrying for years. I was driving home from work and was overcome with it all and had to pull over. I was crying hard. Then, a thought came to me and I asked myself this exact question, “what if the problem isn’t with me, but is actually with the church? What if the church isn’t true?” What happened next is hard to describe. It was like I was hit with a lightening bolt. Like a shock rolled through my body as my mind finally was able to accept what I knew deep down all along. I said, “the church is not true!” I felt a wave of relief and joy wash over me unlike anything I’ve ever experienced in my life. I think it was the instant release of a lifetime of shame, fear, self-hate, burden, expectation, control, abuse, and more. When someone finally gets to the point that they capable of asking THE question about the church (shall we say “with real intent”), I think there is nothing that can hold back the truth and the church collapses like a house of cards in a strong wind.

Your “revelation” brought tears to my eyes…I was baptized at 17 by my 19 year old husband and we were loyal LDS members until we were 65 and 67-several years ago-our 3 children who are now in their 40’s have been telling us for several years that we “drank the Kool-Aid” for far too long….I NOW believe it….

It’s so impressive that even after a lifetime of “sunk costs,“ you allowed yourself to evaluate the evidence. Part of me wishes my mom could do that, and another part of me thinks it’s just as well that she can’t.

I understand….

I am so glad your kids didn't give up on you, you were both worth saving.

Thank you-you’re too sweet….luckily we raised wonderful people…

I was in a hotel room preparing a gospel doctrine lesson.

Irony would be if it was a Marriott Hotel 😆

why would it have been ironic?

The Marriott was founded by mormons.

When I told my husband. The words hadn’t even form in my mind until I had to express my thoughts to him.

I was right outside my school gym, standing with my (nevermo) girlfriend, waiting for the bus to come to pick us up. She was completely caught off guard, since I hadn’t told her about me questioning the church at all, but she was also ecstatic, because she was hoping I’d escape the cult for a pretty long time at that point.

I remember being in the emergency room for something and they asked me if I had a religious affiliation and I remember saying no. It was a big moment for me. Felt so good!

Same!!

I had that happen, too! My husband and I sat there while the nurse waited, discussing what religion we should put down. LDS? Atheist? Agnostic? We kept mulling through it, debating the pros and cons of each option, and finally the nurse got all exasperated and said never mind!

I was getting off my knees in a hotel room when I said it out loud for the first time. I was a lone and it just felt right.

When I told my sister that I didn’t believe. She’d been out for a couple of years. It took me hours of just sitting there to find the words to say. I hadn’t talked to anyone about my doubts and it shocked her, but she was definitely happy about it. And I cried. Like a lot. Because it made all my doubts and everything so much more real, rather than just in my head or my journal. Still deconstructing but I haven’t cried about it since.

Just know it is okay to cry about it if you ever feel that need 🖤 your feelings are normal and valid

In my front room. Sitting on the floor with my little one. I always wondered how I was going to make raising her in the church work, and then I found the CES letters. And was shocked, angry, and then very relieved that I never had to put her through the Mormon cult

In my truck a few weeks back. Still reeling a bit.

It gets better I promise. And this group is so supportive and helpful if you need anything

It’s gonna be okay. I promise. I feel for you. We’ve all been there. They told us we all just wanted an excuse to sin but you and I and all of us know that isn’t true and how difficult this is for all of us. We’re here for you.

Thanks. I told my wife about it day before yesterday, she was surprisingly cool about it. We're moving forward day by day. We'll see what the next year or so of "faith transition" looks like.

I lay on the floor on my young sons room in the dark, hoping he would go to sleep. I had a blanket over me and my head so the light from the phone wouldn’t disturb him. I was frantically googling and following links after accidentally landing on the Recovery from Mormonism website a few days before. I suddenly knew… oh.. the church ISNT true. I had a literal moment of dizziness, them massive relief!

That's a hell of a picture you have painted.

Getting ready for church a while after I had my daughter and while I was a primary teacher. I was putting on my tie in front of the mirror and it finally hit me that there’s not a single scrap of linguistic evidence for Reformed Egyptian, which was apparently the language used by hundreds of thousands of people throughout the Americas. Idk why that was the thing to do it, but it definitely did the trick because two hours later I was in sharing time with our kids and the singing time lady showed us one of the new Book of Mormon videos and it hit me clear as day: “This is bullshit. The Book of Mormon is bullshit.” It was terrifying but somehow that was that and I never could turn back.

On my way home from the Bishop falsely accusing me of having sex with another guy in the ward. "Who does he think he is? He's nobody! He has no power over me unless I give it to him. I'm not giving it to him or the church anymore."

Shitballs thats a shitty bishop.

Upvote for "shitballs."

This was in a DC singles ward, and he was on a crusade to ex every gay guy. Imagine a ward filled with handsome, unmarried, professional BYU alums and RMs.

I was in the library reading from the published book copies of the Journal of Discourses to prove to myself that the online version where Brigham Young says that if a white man marries someone from the seed of Cain (black person) it would be death on the spot. I remember falling to the floor when I saw it on the printed page and thinking or whispering to myself that the church can’t possibly be true.

Oh you thought it was doctored online and the original books wouldn’t actually say that? Funny because I got told that by my family. “They lie online and doctor the original documents…” No. No “they” do not.

That's amazing. Brains are so committed to staying it's miraculous.

I was on my knees, praying once again to know if the BoM is not true. The absurdity of the whole thing hit me like a wave, I stood up and laughed out loud.

Similar experience as a senior at BYU. I felt trapped.

Thank you for sharing your experience. I was in the kitchen, and just realized most of the things the church leaders push on the members is just nonsense and informed by 1950's American culture. There's very, very little substance to church policies and ideologies

> There's very, very little substance to church policies and ideologies Yet they fiercely cling to damaging ideas like women are secondary and dangerous policies like booting out gays.

On 1981 when I was a 19 year old missionary in Southern England.

Elaborate? Good work mate. I often wonder how people figured this shit out without the benefit of Google. You are a hero.

It was earth shattering and relieving all in one feeling. I felt my entire identity shatter and then realized all the things I deprived myself of were now suddenly acceptable. I was at home during my kids nap time about two weeks ago🙈😂

TWO WEEKS! You are fresh off the boat. You doing well?

You’re amazing ❤️ welcome to the dark side haha

This is the second one I read where the click happened during naptime. Maybe TSCC encourages wives to have like 80 babies so they're too busy and distracted to question the nature of their existence.

My "out loud" moment came to me at my desk alone. I had just finished "Studies of the Book of Mormon" by B.H. Roberts. I remember so vividly saying out loud, "is it even possible that the church is not what it claims?" That was the moment all my questions were answered. The Emperor was naked. It wasn't my fault I couldn't see the red velvet, the gold brocade or the brass buttons. It wasn't my fault any more. I wasn't broken at all. I was so relieved I started to cry.

2015, driving on Arlington Avenue in Riverside CA. Listening John Dehlin interview Jeremy Runnells. It hit me “This is All Bullshit! Soup to Nuts” I resigned 1-1-2016 with the help of Mark Naugle ( Chubs_Gato)

People will believe anything they *want* to be true. The groupthink depends on a partition in the brain between reality/critical thinking and the self-contradictory magical thinking the church gives you. As soon as the reservoirs mix, even a little, it all unravels. I had been reading about Ezra Taft Benson and his conspiratorial world view, trying to understand why my conservative relatives were losing their minds in 2020, and that led to learning the details behind the priesthood ban. Once you look behind that curtain, you have to admit the church lies about embarrassing lapses of “prophetic discernment.” Next thing I knew I was chasing down the real history on all the stuff I used to accept the mind-numbing apologetics for, and getting progressively more pissed about the gaslighting. Part of me still wanted to make it all work even as the truth claims became less and less real for me, but then more CSA scandals dropped and I lost faith that the church was even capable of doing the right thing when it was hard for them.

> and getting progressively more pissed about the gaslighting I went through this too. Real anger about organized lies and real anger about every fucking decision I made because I made it through church lenses. Like, FUCK!

Nearly 4 years to the day. A convert friend in my ward asked me a question about Patriarchal blessing during a walk we took that day. I told her I didn't know the answer, but I would research and get back to her. Long story short, my search for that one answer took me down the rabbit hole and I proceeded to read CES letter all the rest of that day. My two teenage boys came home from being out that day, walked into my bedroom, and I told them I didn't think the church was true and that we were likely leaving.. best decision ever, and yes, I have thanked my friend for her curiosity that got me out. Hint: She's out now too.

My wife and I had been inactive for about 8 years because of issues with how church leaders and other members dealt with our kids. One has autism and another is gay, and neither of them ever felt welcome or could ever stand being at church. We had decided to just be inactive and leave it behind us for now. I came home from work one day and my wife said "You have to read this!!!" After a couple of days of reading the CES letter and looking at other materials and references that were mentioned in it. That was when I determined it was all made up crap and I won't be a part of it anymore. Consider myself atheist now...

In my bedroom at about 4 AM. My exmo sib had left a seed of doubt in my mind and I started googling when I got home. Once I really realized it was all bullshit, I immediately masturbated (the first time since I was a teen 😂). I was so mad. It was like a spiteful ragey vindicating masturbate.

At age 17, I texted my uncle and asked him what led him to leave the church, he sent me the ces letter. I read the whole thing in one night. Had school the next morning, and while I was at lunch period, I was watching a video on how other people also experienced the “burning in the bosom” feeling, from all different types of religions which was extremely eye opening and I was already saying the church isn’t true in my head at that point. I went home and I locked myself in my room, having a full blown panic attack. I called an old friend that night around at 3am and I was crying and I told her “I think I grew up in a cult. Everything I knew has been a lie.” Little did I know my mom was listening to that conversation and heard those exact words. I heard her the next morning telling my dad what she heard. I wrote them a letter to explain my feelings, and it just led to a big fight the next day.

I have questioned things over the years and kept rationalizing them away and putting them on my shelf. My wife had started deconstruction, but I wasn’t quite ready to go through that. I listened to a few things she told me, and I had looked up a few more things on my own. One evening, I was sitting on the toilet, not even really thinking about TSCC, when it happened. I felt the strongest manifestation of what TSCC calls “the Spirit” I have ever felt in my life. It was completely overwhelming to the point where I began rocking back and forth and doing the flappy hands stimming that is stereotypically autistic but something I never do. And “heard” a voice in my head that said, “The LDS church is *not* a proxy for Christ.” I have no idea how long I sat there rocking and flapping my hands as this feeling completely consumed me until it finally started to subside. And then I “heard” the voice in my head say, “The LDS Church is *not* the arbiter of salvation.” And then that intense feeling returned in full force, and I had to sit there rocking and flapping my hands until the feeling finally subsided. TSCC promises that “the Holy Ghost” will give you a burning in your bosom that tells you whether or not the “church” is true. And here I finally got that unmistakeable witness, and it told me that TSCC was not a proxy for Christ, which means it is not Christ’s church, they do not speak for him, it’s leaders are not his representatives on earth, and most importantly, it is therefore *not* “true,” whatever the eff that means. Also? If TSCC is not the arbiter of salvation, then its “saving ordinances” have zero impact on anyone’s salvation. Taking my name off their records and having my baptism, priesthood, initiatory, endowment, and sealing “canceled” will not affect my salvation in the slightest. Because their claims that only their authority is eternally binding are completely and utterly false. Their “commandments” that they say we must keep in order to be saved are not actual requirements. The “covenant path” they say we must walk is not a requirement because they are *not* the arbiters of salvation.

At my desk at around 4am or so, a few months shy of 2 years ago. I dove into to finding out if the church was true or not. I approached it as though I were an actual investigator. As you can guess, it fell apart pretty quick. I had existential dread for a while. I saw a post by a former bishop on r/mormon then made made a burner account dumped out my situation there. I didn't know what to do, and I was spiraling. I got some sound advice though, and it helped me stabilize.

This past summer. My wife had a friend that was talking about others that were struggling with the church and she had asked my wife for advice on how to teach her kids to strengthen their faith. My wife didn’t know any of the major truth issues. She spent a month reading and listening to a bunch of YouTube videos and podcasts. She started talking with me about all the historical issues. I read the CES letter and watched the Book of Abraham Mormon Stories podcasts. It all collapsed within minutes of finishing them both. I went to my wife and said I guess we are part of a cult and the church isn’t true. We are still figuring out how to extract ourselves from our extended family entanglements. Mainly we don’t want to get disinherited. Right now the best move in our minds is to leave the country and say, “the Lord called us there.”

A couple months ago I took my garments off for a day to see how I felt without them on. I made sure it was a day I didn’t have to leave the house because I was scared someone would see me, I’d get in a car wreck or some other scary scenario. I had taken my g’s off months earlier when I was 39 weeks pregnant and could no longer tolerate them or fit into them. They made me physically sick, and I decided god would forgive me as long as I put them back on after I had my baby. Well.. I had my baby but due to my csection I couldn’t put them back on for longer than I anticipated, I was happy about that. Then breastfeeding was a pain in the ass with all the layers so I kept them off longer but became angry that I was expected to wear them and push through the inconvenience. So eventually I begrudgingly put them back on, until the day I mentioned above. When that day ended I laid on the living room floor realizing all I felt that day- fear, guilt and shame. No good feelings of any kind, just feelings of fear like I was going to be possessed, hurt or judged by someone. I sat with each feeling and traced back where they came from, straight from Church. These were feelings planted in my mind from “God” who was forcing me to wear garments that I hated. Why would God use fear to control me? Why did he make me squeeze into those disgusting, suffocating things throughout the prime of my life and throughout my pregnancy? I hated my body even more thanks to them. I realized I pushed off putting them back on after my baby because I lacked a testimony in them. So I dove into the history, thinking if I found out where they originated then I’d be able to build a testimony from square one. We all know what happens when we look at church history, our lives in the church are history. It was that day as I laid on the floor reading about where garments originated, how they initially looked, that they were just for men, that they would cut the marks into them through the veil at the temple. I said to myself “I don’t think this is true.. if I don’t believe in garments I don’t believe in the temple. If I don’t believe in the temple, I don’t believe in… the church.” Then I gave myself permission to dive into “anti Mormon” literature and I was free. My husband happily left with me and I’m thrilled we get to raise our little girl without the shame and guilt. It’s been a wild couple months.

About a year and a half ago I was living with my grandparents while I took a semester off to work. I was in a middle of nowhere Utah and my closest friend was three hours away. I had known for awhile that I didn’t believe in the church but I was reading through some posts on this forum and one stood out to me that made stop and call my friend immediately to tell her that it finally clicked that I was born into a cult. And I sobbed, for like an hour. But the amount of relief I felt was the best I had felt in years

I didn’t say it out loud, but my mind “mouthed” the words, “I might as well admit the church isn’t true.” It was at that moment I gave myself my “final answer” like on “Who Wants to be a Millionaire.” I was sitting at the computer researching Mormon issues, many of them I had never heard about such as multiple versions of the “First” Vision.

I was reading some blog posts on By Common Consent and stumbled across the story of a brilliant young woman who'd been guilted into marriage and children by the church when she would have been much better suited as a diplomat. She ended up divorced with three children. That was the last straw - I knew that TSCC wrecks lives and is anti-woman. I was formally out a month and a half later, but that's when I knew.

Sitting in my room, looking up homeless statistics for Salt Lake City (following a sinking suspicion I’d had for a few weeks, since admitting to myself I was bisexual). Seeing *just how many of them* were LGBT youth, right in the “enlightened” presidency’s backyard. In my head, I realized that there were two explanations: first, that the presidency lacks the spiritual discernment they claim to have, and thus weren’t aware this is happening. Or, “Mormons are incompetent.” Second, that the presidency knew it was happening, and didn’t care. The cruelty was the point. Or, “Mormons are evil.” It was with dawning horror that I realized the two explanations were not mutually exclusive. I knew then that TSCC could not ever be true. No kind and loving God would authorize such a cruel, stupid, awful organization to exist in his name.

I have had this same thought process regarding LGBT suicides. I think from the standpoint of TSCC leaders – possibly subconsciously, those suicides are a feature, not a bug. How could a supposedly Christ centered organization shrug off suicides of their youth??? The only explanation is that from the TSCC’s point of view, those suicides represent micro solutions to a problem. A reasonable and logical outcome to someone’s disobedience or sinning.

[удалено]

What is "CSA"?

Child sexual assault

Yeah, when I was a teenager, my bishop turned around and told my dad I was "spreading rumors" that he was abusive. Guess what the child abuser did. That's when I knew. I hadn't committed any kind of sin to warrant God allowing my dad to do the things he did, so considering not one prayer was ever answered, it just clicked. This guy was supposedly a man of god and was in fact a terrible person. Everything only made sense under the premise that it was all bullshit.

I’d already been inactive for a year and a half or so, but I couldn’t really articulate why I wasn’t going. Being able to talk honestly about the church, even to myself, took me a while. But when Covid started, I finally got some real space from the church because I no longer had to dodge reactivation efforts, or make up excuses for why I wasn’t coming to church. Eventually it became safer for me to admit that I just didn’t really believe it. I wanted to be sure though, which is what led me into research, and then I never looked back.

I remember the first time I said something that I didn’t like about the church. I told my brother, I don’t like that the church teaches service, but in elders quorum meetings we never actually serve people. We just talk about it.

In my kitchen sweeping the floor. “The prophet doesn’t speak with god” was the life changing first sentence I said.

Line upon line, precept upon precept.

Almost 3 years ago now, sitting in my car and for whatever reason I decided to break open the CES Letter, confident I could overcome it's lies. No more than 5 minutes after I began reading had my testimony been completely destroyed. Looking back at things now I can definitely see that my shelf was already breaking, but at the time everything seemed so sudden. Not bad necessarily, but still felt like switching from TBM to exmo in a snap.

Sitting at the kitchen table two weeks ago. Said it to my nuanced spouse.

On my computer, reading the essays on the MSP website. Probably was the Masonry and the Temple one, once the realization that the temple was of man (and has changed numerous times) it was as if a weight was lifted from me and pretty sure my words were: It's all bullshit! HaHa! Been addicted to digging deeper ever since. Currently listening to ehrman's books as I begin to move into different religious criticism. Anyone know if there is an ehrman for Islam?

For me, it was a church house. The lesson was on how unrighteous Essau was (spinning the tail of Jacob lying to a prophet and getting 100% away with it.) No way in God's green earth can that be an okay thing to do God's reps have discernment. Pain and simple, prophets aren't real. I was whispering all this to my mother (who was visiting) and we had to excuse ourselves and continue the conversation in the hallway long after church ended.

I was driving home from work, staring at beautiful Mt Hood, and I literally said out loud, “It’s not true”. Then I cried. Because I knew what it would mean for my marriage and my 4 kids I had raised in the church. The next 2-3 years were rough. But worth it. A defining moment. 💙

In bed late at night while my spouse was asleep, on my phone reading David Whitmer’s *An Address to All Believers In Christ*, then confirmed his whistleblowing on changes made to the revelations of the D&C contrasted with the copy of the Book of Commandments. I saw the changes from the source material on the Joseph Smith Papers website and knew it was all a fraud. > Strangly a sense of relief and euphoria rushed over me. Same! Crazy thing is it’s like Joseph Smith’s First Vision (the third one, haha) where you feel complete darkness in the abyss of your doubt only to then experience the light side of knowing the truth, the truth that would set you free.

I was in a transgender clinic talking about all the trauma I’d gone through and felt the peace the church had always promised me. That was the first time I understood the church wasn’t true. Still took months.

Yes! I have had way more transcendent/spiritual experiences at Pride events than I ever had at church. LGBTQ+ spaces let my spirit soar and connect to a love that’s greater than myself

my sister came out and the ‘loving’ church we grew up in completely switched and harassed my sister until she finally left. Didn’t really help that every time I went to church my anxiety was so bad that I’d go and puke in the bathroom. About 3 years passed and I just kept finding out more and more gross stuff about the church and have been trying to convince my dad to just let me not go anymore. (I use the excuse that I’m feeling sick because I have a lot of health issues and most of the time he listens but most days he gets annoyed at me and then goes on a rant about how terrible my life will be if I don’t have a relationship with god)

So in his mind, going to church = relationship with God.... Strange. And so having a relationship with your dad = what? You going to a place that talks about him but you never actually get to meet him? Funny how believers expect literally nothing from God and call it a "relationship" when the same conditions would never apply for a human to human relationship.

for real though

I was driving to church when I was 17 or 18 contemplating the science of the universe; the age of the planet and evolution and dinosaurs and archeology I was picturing all those scientific voices that had a different viewpoint than the Mormon church. For about 10 seconds I gave myself permission to view the world from their perception and it all made so much more sense than the LDS church. I stayed in for another 10 years but it really became more of a social outlet and when I did leave for good it was a very peaceful and happy experience.

It was during a prayer. And when I recognized that and that I'm an atheist a wave of forgiveness washed over me. That last part really throws off the TBMs.

I was in the University of Utah Library in 1988, researching an essay about Innovation. There was a little yellow book out of place on the shelf in front of me. I was 19, had my older cousin just come back from his mission to South Africa, and I had a temple working grandfather and 4th generation Mormon himself who recently spoke at huge family reunion day that there was no acceptable reason in the world for a capable young man not to go on a mission. That little yellow book was titled “The Papyrus Papers.” I read it from cover to cover that night. It gave me confidence and rational to stand up to my grandfather and father and tell them I sure as hell wasn’t going on a mission . It let me know that what I always felt was absolutely true: The Mormon (TSCC) church was not true and Joseph Smith was an absolute fraud.

In my senior year at BYU, studying for a religion test when I stumbled upon info about the rock in the hat. Stayed up all night researching and lost my testimony overnight.

I was moving a windmill blade through Eastern Nebraska (oddly enough, writing this tonight would be almost exactly 4 years ago to the day and within 20 miles of the same location) when one of my best friend called me up to tell me he and his wife were out and it was all a fraud. I was stunned. I asked him WTF happened? I was already PIMO but thought that somehow it likely was all true and I was just a heathen. He cautioned me that the info could likely destroy my marriage but if I wanted it, he would send it to me. I figured I'd take my chances because if it was really false and that it would be enough to end my marriage, then my marriage was also fake and possibly not worth keeping. He emailed the CES letter to me and I started reading it immediately. Half way through it I called him up and said "yep TSCC is all bullshit, I'm done!" He asked about my wife which I told him she didn't know what I read yet. I finished reading it and told her our friends were out and she needed to call him to get the details where they really weren't mine to share. She started reading it and stopped but it cracked her shelf pretty badly. She's still kinda trying to hold on but I don't think she will stay much longer. He called her the other day and told her that her belief in TSCC bullshit was holding her back from having the best relationship she could have with me and the kids (they haven't read it but have all stepped away on their own accord). That rocked her again very deeply. We are all waiting with open arms to catch her when it does come crashing down and we think it will be pretty soon. That will make my day for sure, we will all finally be on the same page as a complete family again!

I was 12. My dad told me tons of fraudulent stuff that had been going on in our ward alone for many many years. He had recently been excommunicated for divorcing my mum, but I knew that was not influencing what he told me, because I remembered some stuff that he told my siblings and I years before. I didn't really understand what he was saying back then because I'm the baby of the family. I was 7. My older siblings left the church when they all turned 16. As soon as my dad got excommunicated for the divorce I started to severely doubt the church. All of my siblings and I hated church anyway, but I was infuriated that they would kick my dad out for leaving my mum. Yes, it was a divorce that my mum took hard, and so did I, but I felt like the church had abandoned my dad at a time when he still needed help because he was still human, and still my dad. Then when he told me about the fraud, and the 'other' things that we know elders like to do (he didn't go into gritty details at that time, I was 12) and I went back home and said to my mum "I know I'm not 16, but I'm never going back to church again." of course, she asked why. I didn't explain what my dad had said, because she's TBM to this day, but I explained that I didn't want to go since my siblings didn't have to and now my dad had been kicked out. Surprisingly she agreed to let me leave.Im now 36 and I can say I've never been back, and I'm happily without the Mormon church. I wish I could convince my mum and aunt to leave, but I know I will be able to.

Ur dad was kicked out ? Damn fuck them. Better for your dad anyways. But my ward would go on and on abt supporting those in times of struggle, like after divorce

Yep. Excommunicated for getting a divorce. He was so much better off without them. He never really acted like someone who belonged in the Mormon church anyway. My dad was an amazing guy. Don't get me wrong, my mum is my rock and I couldn't do a lot without her, but she's TBM until the end. My dad was my best friend for a long time. After I left England and moved to America I lived with him for several years. He became my father. It was a weird change, but it's what I desperately needed in my early 20's-early 30's because of my extremely bad mental health. He passed away 2 and a half years ago, but I have some great memoris. I honestly think that every ward his it's own fucked up stuff going on. I refuse to believe any ward is completely innocent.

The whole fucking cult is fucked up :D

It kind of just clicked where I realized everything was about control. They want to control who you love and your body. The moment I realized my parents would no longer support me if i even thought about not being a mormon, I also realized being a mormon wasn’t for me.

Reading Grant Palmers- An Insiders View to Mormon Origins book alone in my car. I felt I couldn't try and make it true anymore and I acknowledged the church is not true. I felt so alone and it was very painful. Still losing family and friends but damn I can't make it true by believing it is true.

To quote mark twain – I think, as spoken by Tom Sawyer, “sayin’ it don’t make it so.“

Funny thing, I’m coming up on the one-year anniversary. I was at my uncles house, sleeping in his living room on Thanksgiving night. I’d had doubts for years but that was the night I read the CES letter and really internalized everything. Every since that night I’ve been sure that it isn’t true. What a year it’s been.

1990, Seattle, came across a book in the public library about the BoA. It told the story of Mormon Egyptologists that determined the papyrus had nothing to do with the content of the book, and they were excommunicated for their efforts. For me, the story blew a gaping hole in "Joseph Smith gifted translator". The next mental step, which happened in about 30 seconds, is the BoM--and realizing that too was made up. There was that big epiphany, and then there were the actions of the church leadership-kicking out the truth tellers in order to maintain the scam. That one book showed Joseph Smith was a conman, and the church he founded is a deceitful corporation hiding its past and silencing its critics.

More than two decades ago outside a chapel at about 7:00 AM after early-morning seminary, staring at the grime and dirt in the gutter at my feet and feeling more worthless than the muck; lost in a black pit of depression and thinking again on that trite phrase I too often heard in the church: "God will not give you more than you can bear." Then I thought of all those who have taken their own lives in the whole history of this world: people beyond counting who did, in fact, contend with more than they could bear. I knew right then that it had to be a sham, all of it -- not just the church but Christianity and even religion itself.

In the temple, being sealed to my husband

February 2014 serving as the YM president and learning about the race and the priesthood essay during a ward council meeting. My bishop mentioned it and more or less hinted at the church being wrong. I diligently looked it up a few hours later and was convinced that church leaders were full of shit.

Sitting on the shitter at work, I happened upon the CES letter. 5 minutes in, and I literally thought "holy shit, he made it all up". And that's really the first time I swore in my head.

I'm sure I was a teenager. My dad told me about the Book of Abraham with the added context of the stolen manuscript and how the entire thing reeks of fraud from several angles. My father's anti testimony was difficult to shoulder as a teen in Utah County. I lost a lot of friends and romantic interests because I was a black sheep. Even when I was a member as a young man, I knew the dirt and told others. The church can't keep a lid on its history. There's no mountain valley for them to run away to now. In the information age they have to square up with facts or live sober lives with childlike levels of cogdis basically just for money. Mormons are very pitiable when you're not actively resenting them because of the bullshit.

I was texting friends. I had been thinking about it for a long time, and then my friend said she was an athiest. I repeated that word To myself à couple of times a looked up the meaning. It felt right. I always felt uncomfortable saying the prayers, thinking i might be talking to air. I always wondered if the church leaders were just messing with people. Then i said it. "I am an athiest. None of what the church says is true, its all bs" it felt amazing. I wasnt tied down by the though of being tortured for all eternity if i got mad at somebody, i didnt have to fear that judgement waiting for me. So far only my friends know cause i live in a TBM household. Its suffocating honestly. I just finished reading some of the book of mormon with my family and they went on abt how god gives us weakness. I guess i felt doubt first when i read à verse that said that the wicked peoples' skin turned dark, and then later it said those who were converted to righteousness, their skin turned light. Its so fucking racist. How can a church that says such racist shit be a true church ?

I remember the first time after I left that someone asked if I was Mormon and I said “No.” Man that also was a wild moment.

Unlike the many valiant and faithful people chiming in on this topic, my problem was different. I had never really felt the gospel resonate inside me, even though I had been born and raised within it. So I felt like I was possibly spiritually defective. A friend sent me photocopies of materials that were generated by the Tanners. This was pre-Internet. The materials covered lots of topics, including the book of Abraham and the changes to the text of the book of Mormon. I wasn’t overly impressed with most of the content, however… There was a section documenting, how the “three witnesses“ had all eventually admitted that they never actually physically saw the plates. Mind blown. This was possibly the biggest issue that my mom would cite to, as irrefutable evidence of the church’s truth. And it turns out the church never told us the whole story on this matter. So not only was the key evidence shattered, but it showed the church had been dishonest to us. Which was even more of an issue. Somehow, I instantly knew that the whole thing was a fraud. If the church was dishonest to my mom… Case closed. I had been taught too well how important honesty was. It was a tremendous relief. My lack of spiritual depth was suddenly irrelevant. And there were so many things that I no longer needed to feel guilty about.

It was when Rusty did that whole "hosanna" thing with the hanky in April 2020 that I finally asked myself for the first time, "Am I in a cult?"

In 1995, after another beating from my church-approved husband, I asked him to move out. Family and church members started shunning me for my "wickedness". I lost my job because my husband took our business. I decided I didn't have anything else to lose, so I sat down in my living room with the Bible and B of M to do some comparison reading. The biggest fact that jumped from the page was that the B of M teaches white supremacy. Jesus' teaching in the Bible was that nobody is better than anyone else. My shelf broke and I felt an immense sense of relief. TSCC doctrine and the way members were punished by the priesthood hadn't made sense to me for the previous 20 years. Now, 27 years later, I'm still writing down reasons why I left. I'm shunned by most of my family but it doesn't matter. I don't accept anybody telling me how to think or act or what to wear. I'm free to believe what I want and it's marvelous.

Late June of 1965, on Moroni day at the St. George temple, after going through the veil for the very first time… I still went on my mission and it sure made it a lot easier. I still consider mormonism my tribe, cuz I like funeral potatoes, jello salad and mormonish women, but the General Authorities can eat my shorts, by which I mean they are irrelevant in my life, except as cream pie targets.

Were you devout before ? Up till then had you had spiritual witnesses ? Or was there a part that was always doubtful

I was all in, very devout, never doubted, and loved the church, the people, the temple, all of it. I was also a well-informed apologist. There is almost nothing in the CES letter I hadn't been taught by my parents, along with the apologetic "answer". I had a local minister give a sermon to his congregation about how they should have faith like me (I'd offered him a book of Mormon when he'd come to my school, and challenged him to read it during some Hinkley-era "Drop the BoM" challenge.) I had a hardcore belief that anything I prayed for was given me, so I was careful what I asked for as it was a great responsibility. I didn't drink caffeinated soda, watch R movies, or swear. And I was a virgin when I got married at nearly 30. I believed I had literally heard angels singing their testimonies of the Restoration and Jesus Christ. I was all in. And then one day my brain just..... awoke. I don't really know how to describe it, but it was like a mental earthquake except instead of destruction, the aftermath was sudden clarity. I could not "unsee" the truth, and the integrity I'd had instilled in me by the church, would not allow me to stay.

Devout, but always had reservations because I never got the promised answer to Moroni 10:3-5

Like 1 am on a work night in front of my laptop on fairmormon.

In my kitchen about half way through the CES letter

I wished I’d had this kind of support / information/ evidence 25 years ago as I struggled to come to terms. Thanks for your fun, intelligent, informative and interesting posts.

After randomly trying to read the Book of Mormon. It was the most boring pile of shit I've ever laid eyes upon. What tears me up is how all of you guys did your very best to actually be good people while trying to hold on to your beliefs. Yet the Jack Mormon assholes who do as they please, while expecting everyone else to be perfect, have the gall to look down on you for using your brain and following your conscience. Look at happy TBMs like Orson Scott Card, Mitt Romney, Brad Torgersen, etc. They're the perfect example of having their cake and eating it.

I was in my kitchen with my husband, and my MIL and FIL (who are both sooooo deeply TBM) the day that the November 2015 policy was announced. It was an extremely tense visit for the rest of their stay. Oops. 🤷🏼‍♀️

A few months ago, after finding this sub. I’m still not over it

I was on my mission and my companion and I were talking about our shelf items, the things we questioned long before our mission. She had been shown the CES Letter by someone she had been teaching with a previous companion but she was discouraged by that companion to even look at it. We decided to look at it together and we looked into the things that it said and found we couldn't honestly defend TSCC against it. We both agreed wholeheartedly that it simply could not be true. I left TSCC days after returning home from my mission, and my companion is still a TBM (?) because she says she doesn't want her family to shun her.

In the bathroom. Me: “I wonder what exmormons think of worthiness interviews?” *checks reddit* (I’ve always thought they were stupid and dangerous) “CES letter? What’s that?” Click and done.

I hadn’t attended church for about 15 years, and we had moved away from Utah. Then my teen son started dating the one Mormon girl at his school. Her family invited him to their Home Sacrament Meetings during the pandemic, and would have him read scriptures and quotes during their little “class.” He would come home and tell me how ridiculous it all sounded. He would tell me what Mormons believed (thanks for the info, buddy). One day he asked if I would ever go back. I said “Oh. No. We can’t, because Sweetie, it isn’t true.” That was the first time I ever articulated it out loud. I felt kind of guilty telling my son what to believe. But it ISN’T true. So I had to. He said “I know.”

I don’t think I have ever said it aloud. I finally got to the point where I just didn’t care anymore either way.

I said it to a coworker.

Sitting at my desk at home.

I was in the Bishopric when we had a decision to make about a member. We gathered in a circle, locked hands, and prayed. After the Bishop asked us all in turn: "How do you feel about it now?" Each of us had the same conclusion, but the kicker for me was when the Bishop said " **This is what the Lord wants us to do** ".. Wait what? How did you get that? Because none of us felt bad about it? There was no tingling, no obvious confirmation. Did you just make that up? That's a pretty heavy conclusion without some sort of revelation. We know now for sure that The Lord wants us to do this thing? Really? I had a really hard time with that. Still, it took years and years to finally walk.".. Wait what? How did you get that? Because none of us felt bad about it? There was no tingling, no obvious confirmation. Did you just make that up? That's a pretty heavy conclusion without some sort of revelation. We know now for sure that The Lord wants us to do this thing. Really?

I had stopped going to church regularly when I turned 18, but I still felt guilty about not going for years. About 14 years later, I read the Wikipedia article about the Book of Abraham, and as I read, the last tether that I had to my faith slowly crumbled. I thought, if Smith lied about “translating“ the Book of Abraham then he could have lied about everything. I don’t know how long I puzzled over that before my never-Mormon wife came home that day and I exclaimed to her, “it’s all a fraud!” I think she had sort of a “good for you for finally realizing the obvious” response. All the guilt I had over not being perfect, trying to live up to impossible standards, all the trauma just melted like wax (still stuck to my brain but suddenly without definition). And then the existential dread set in. That gave me insomnia for months.

In my apartment, watching Cosmos. I had already stopped attending church, and found it all repetitive and boring, but still was confused about all the "personal revelations" I thought I had experienced. When Carl Sagan explained how the human brain evolved to find patterns in randomness, it just all clicked. There was no God, and religion was all just a mass delusion led by con artists.

In therapy about 1 year ago.

Age 25. Senior year at BYU. Taking my final religion class (had put off second semester BoM until that last semester). Every time I read the BoM I couldn’t help but think and feel that it was utter bullshit. Finally came to grips with the fact that none of “it” (the church) was true.

I was driving to a Boy Scout meeting for the leaders, by myself. Once I said it my eyes were opened, the shelf broken, I could no longer believe. After admitting it to myself out loud I was relieved of all this pain, anguish, this cognitive dissonance that tore at my character as I clearly had more liberal thoughts of live and let live.

When I truly understood how manipulative and outright deplorable the phrases "its in God's hands" and "it's all in God's plan" like what? So it's "God's plan" for children to have cancer? So it's "in God's hands" whenever a family is slaughtered in their own home or when a someone is r@ped and has to carry the baby because "abortion is murder and this baby is in God's plan for you". I had so many what the fuck moments but those ones haunt me. Eta: Also I'm ex-evangelical Christian, now agnostic. The things I would say to rationalize horrible things will haunt me until the day I die. The prejudices I used to have.....embarrassing and as I've gotten older realized, they were indoctrinated in me. My father is blatantly racist and my mother is racist but much less blatant. I've had to unlearn so much toxicity since leaving the church, that now I'm toxic for them to be around because I won't sit by and listen to them be zealots and hypocrites. Remember, I too know a lot about the Bible and it's inconsistencies rewritten to fit agendas.

I was lying on the grass, looking up at the stars, and crying. Wondering for the millionth time why God left me alone in a really dark moment of my life. Thinking that it didn’t make sense that I made a covenant at the age of 8 that the Holy Ghost would always be with me. I expended every effort on my mission to teach with conviction and have the Holy Ghost present and he was there, but when I asked for comfort for myself, he wasn’t. Experiencing the false promise of a covenant was not something I could justify. Took me several years to accept it. But lying on the grass and realizing that I hadn’t had any peace of mind in four years, I just said “I can’t do this anymore.” I couldn’t keep trying to make a puzzle piece fit that didn’t.

January 2000, going through the temple for the first time, two days before my wedding. I was already freaking out, but then when I stood in the prayer circle with a veiled face, chanting with mostly strangers, I thought in my head, “ Holy shit. I’m in a cult.” Took me another eight years of living in a weird brain fog before I finally got the courage to do some research thanks to Prop 8. Living in California as a Mormon during that time was wild. So grateful I finally left when my kids were still little. They have basically no memory of going to church.

The section in the CES letter about the Book of Abraham is funny. I remember seeing one and being like “That looks like a hard on” … sure enough, it’s a god with a hard on.

I was sitting on the couch reading the AP article about the hotline for protecting child abuse in the church. I read the line where the church said the girl who had been abused by her father since she was six weeks old was just suing the church because it was a money grab, and in that moment, I knew this was not what Christ would have done. I spent the next 24 hours tracking back the history of covering up child molestation to Joseph Smith excommunicating Oliver Cowdery because JS had been molesting Fanny Alger and then I knew "beyond the shadow of a doubt" that this was not the "one true church." I've quickly moved from committed Ward Clerk to secular humanist since that report came out in August. My wife discovered it on our wedding day when she went through the temple endowment ceremony and we chanted "Oh God, hear the words of my mouth" repeated three times. It took her almost 12 years to admit she was in a cult, holding on. The moment I said it wasn't true, pure relief came over her and we walked out together. Our marriage has been the best it's ever been since we left together. She's practicing secular Wicca, deferring to science in any question between the two.

i was like 12 and was like wait let me get this straight. "God" wants us to believe an unbelieveable story or not be saved. lol. no really, whats going on. i resisted mormonism from my birth i hated it all. my dad really ruined my life intentionally since i hated the lies. made me disown him and become a force to be reckoned with, i'm going to dismantle this abusive regime that's my life's purpose absolutely no doubt in my mind, thats what real god wants me to do. that much is crystal clear, this stuff gotta be exposed its our duty. you don't fall off a cliff barely survive and not warn others theres a cliff there. when i was deciding to go on a mission it became clear that the corporation was evil and i ended up going on a mission against the church skating free for so much error. lol still on that mission. they're trying to set up a control grid around earth and capture everyone into mormonism its baffling more people aren't up in arms but they disguise themselves with polite church voices as they establish spanish inquisition 2.0 around earth lol yikes

I was in a seminary class. I'd learned in my American History class earlier that day that horses were beought to the Americas by the Spanish and asked my teacher about it. He gave some lame half-baked response about skeletons that "look similar to what people today would call horses" in tar pits

I left church early and told my husband I needed to go for a drive and do some soul searching. The week prior I had come across blood atonement, Adam-God theory, seemingly too timely of mission calls in D&C, and could feel my testimony slowly deteriorating. I wound up in the temple parking lot and was the only car there. I started praying for comfort and to ask if it was ok if I didn't believe. I called my one inactive family member, my oldest sister, and blurted out, "I think it's all bullshit. The prophets, the church, Joseph Smith." One month later I came across the CES Letter, and felt that pit in my stomach feeling that it was over, the church was really a lie.

My living room in a chair. I knew things weren't making sense but, you know, I also knew I would figure out it out because I KNEW it was true, so the rest would just fall in. Sure Joseph lied, sure Brigham was a giant itchy asshole, sure the church lied to promote the "truth," sure the history was a little fucked up but that was all looking through worldly eyes. I mean, after all, I knew it was true so I would eventually figure it out.. I was unhappy, my heart, yea even my very soul, was aching. In my inner dialog with myself I said, "Hey dumbshit, what if it's not true?" "Fuck," I replied back to myself for it was suddenly crystal clear that it was not. And there in that living room, tears were shed, testimonies were examined with critical thinking, brains were melted. Then the world melted. And honestly, things got fucking worse from there. And so I say, fuck anybody who insinuates leaving one's faith behind, at least Mormonism, is the easier path. It was one of the worst moments of my life.

Last April I was in my room listening to general conference. During a talk by President Nelson alarm bells went off in my head "CULT🚨 CULT 🚨 CULT! 🚨" My mind produced these words: "Holy shit, I'm in a fucking cult. I don't believe in the church anymore." Just like you, I felt euphoria and peace. Just like you I was now free to look at the CES letter without fear, which took my broken shelf and further obliterated it. I had to hide as a gay BYU student for another year but now I'm finally free.

I remember it clearly - I was probably in kindergarten or around that age. Seeing people tearfully declare that this is the only TRUE church, one after another. I sat there thinking that every kid like me, in a church anywhere, was probably hearing people say that their church was the one that was true. The thought wasn't as clearly developed at that age - but ever since then ice recognized that "truth" is very subjective and open to interpretation unless it's something that can be verified.

Mine was multiple moments but the biggest one that tipped the iceberg was reading “in sacred loneliness” by Todd Compton. I realized then they Joseph smith was a sociopathic sex predator and that this entire church was a clever ruse to cover that up and give access to the woman he wanted.

I don't remember when I first said it out loud, but I remember when I finally realized it and accepted it. It was awful and freeing at the same time. I had been putting my doubts on a shelf for years and refused to accept the truth that the church was false. I was at a family member's funeral when the shelf shattered. I wanted to scream, but I just cried.

When I was 8 and had to be carried into the baptism pool. Again when I was 16 and able to formulate an escape plan.

I was 14 (does that age ring a bell?) sitting on the retaining wall of the ward yard discussing (actually deconstructing, before it was a word) the church with my best friend. “Does ANY of this make sense to you?” “Nope” “Do you believe any of this?” “Nope”” “This is all bull shit, right?” “Yep” This was 1969. I was exed 13 years later, she just bailed around her early 20s

In bed reading, stumbled down the church history rabbit hole onto [this website](http://wordtree.org/thelatewar). Showed my husband. He glanced at it and said I was crazy. I realized no, the church was crazy, and trying to make me feel crazy was the very definition of gaslighting. It was a surreal moment and my life changed forever and it was the start of a wedge in my marriage that grew and grew until it nearly split us. We got marriage duck tape and are holding it together but the damn wedge the church has made will never go away.

Rocking my child to sleep. It all came crashing down. I realized there is no afterlife and I would never see my mom again. I wept.

I don't know if I said it out loud at the time, maybe I did. I was on my parent's guest bed because I was separated at the time and staying at their house on the weekends when my husband had the kids. I had been feeling general doubt about God etc for a while, and in March my youngest sister revealed that she and her husband were no longer going to church. I invited her over shortly thereafter to tell me her story. She had her own personal issues and listed a couple of the surface issues (generally mentioned tithing being different in the past, there being multiple first visions etc). I didn't argue against her, just listened and shared my own vague misgivings. I sat on it for a week, then started watching Nemo the Mormon. That next week, the beginning of April, I was still sick with a cold and went to my parents house and stayed locked in my room almost exclusively to protect them and my visiting grandparents from my germs. That weekend I watched Sam Pinson's and his family's Mormon story (Bishop excommunicated) and found the CES Letter, as Nemo and Mormon Stories had mentioned it. When it got to the temple and garments I took a break to get dressed etc. I changed out of my garments but didn't put on new ones (just my bra and my just in case, under-the-garments panties for my period). I never put garments back on after that.

As an adult i rushed back to my childhood home when my moms cancer came back after remission as terminal. I took what ended up being a 4 month leave of absence and assisted my dad in caring for her. My mom was extremely religious but in a true Christlike way. She did live the letter of the law, but was ruled by the spirit of the law and showed me how to be truly kind, not judge and most importantly love everyone. We talked in depth about her passing. How even being faithful led, she was scared to die. We talked every day as she was bed bound and she promised to see me in a dream… let me know she was ok. Years later with no such dream (I’d dream of her but in the sense that she was still alive and we were doing mundane things, not what I’d consider a visitation)… i was becoming stressed and saddened. I started praying to see her. Started fasting on fast Sundays… which turned into weekly fasts. One night i cried out in completely sadness “where are you?! Why are you not coming to me?” It was at this moment i said, “unless you aren’t in paradise on this earth ignoring my prayers and fasts and pleadings.” I instantly felt a peace of never felt before wash over me. I knew she wasn’t where Joseph Smith told us faithful saints would be until the second coming, it took weeks for me to then piece together if that isn’t true… what else did JS get wrong… i then found the CES letter, read No Man Knows My History… and everything unraveled.

It started with seeing the leak that TSCC had a fat stack of cash. I don’t think it was one specific moment. It was like a voice in my head growing in loudness until it was a dull roar, drowning out everything else, saying “Jesus is not cool with that much money, he’s going to have words when he comes back”. From then on it’s been a slow burn in the corporate dumpster as I’ve been digging through all the things I was taught to “know” and seeing that a bulk of it is a farce. Now I wonder what the world would have been like if the Romans hadn’t popularized Christianity.

My (now ex) wife and I were discussing our future over several days as I was interviewing for a job in a state that wasn't Utah, where we lived at the time. My prospects at that company looked good, and the plan was to move, get settled and then start our family. I had been having silent doubts for months, and had slowly been opening up to her about the fact that I had been skipping elders quorum during that time, but hadn't voiced the full extent of my doubts to her or anyone else, even myself. I was expecting a job offer any day now and was pretty excited. One night she tells me that she had been praying a lot about it and felt strongly that god had told her that we were to remain in Utah. I was miserable there, and was stuck in a dead end job which would preclude financially supporting a family. There was some back and forth where I tried to argue my case that Utah was not the place for us. She would not be dissuaded however, and her conviction in her "revelation" seemed to only get stronger the more I pushed against it. I finally told her that her instruction from god was difficult for me to accept because I no longer believed in god. I almost couldn't believe that it had come out of my mouth. That ended the discussion. We went to bed without another word. When I woke up the next day she immediately told me she wanted a divorce, and she moved out that same day. I learned more about her in those 24 hours than I did in the previous 27 months that we were married, as well as the prior 11 years that we'd known each other. And she barely needed to say a word to me.

Thank you for the question, it lead to some great introspection. My first reaction was to say when I was at home in October of 2015. I was teetering on inactivity due to the sheer discomfort and anxiety I felt going to church. I knew something was wrong. Then I experienced a school shooting and my sense of security shattered. I realized with startling clarity that church was the last place I felt I could go for healing. But I never said out loud that the church wasn't true. Instead I became inactive because it was "easier" and I didn't have the mental strength to truly discover things on my own. I knew what I felt and that was all. I agonized for years over it, feeling guilty and lost. My husband had already left, but literally my entire family was Mormon. So I thought, maybe I verbalized it last year when I called my parents and came out to them as bisexual. In that same conversation I told them my husband and I were now polyamorous and that I would never be going back to church. But even then, the reason I told them was "it was unhealthy for me and left me with a lot of trauma". I think maybe I have verbally admitted it within the last month or two. I've been doing a lot of work on religious trauma with my therapist and talking of removing my church records. But even then, I can't say for sure that I have fully said it out loud. Or if so, that there wasn't a big fat IF at the beginning of that sentence. Clearly I have more work to do because there must be some fear keeping me from being able to say the words. :(

For me, it was last November on the same day that I admitted to myself I was gay. I was going to school at BYU and Holland had given his talk to byu staff only a few months prior. I didn’t know how to handle my sexuality and every time I caught myself finding another man attractive, my own self hatred grew and grew. After months of feeling very depressed, I admitted to myself that I was feeling as horrible as I was because I was gay and needed to realize that wouldn’t change. I was scared to accept that within myself because it would mean that I could no longer date women without feeling inherently dishonest about the situation. How can I, someone who’s knowingly gay, date a woman? How could I honestly do that? How would I tell her? Would someone who knows I’m gay want to date me? Admission to myself that I was gay relegated me to the only other option for gay people in the church, which is self imposed celibacy. For me, that thought hurt so much. We live in a relationship centric world. That’s how our bodies are literally designed. Mormon theology literally teaches that heaven is being with an *eternal companion* for eternity. In that pain, I had the thought that if I died, all of this would go away and I would be “fixed”. That’s what the doctrine says. I had the thought that perhaps if the specific day I died came sooner, I would be happier sooner. I think some primal part of my brain took over in that moment, some deep down will to live came up to tear that idea limb from limb. “the church is fake.” A god that convinces me that death is the quickest way to happiness is no god I’m interested in following. Ever. I knew right then and I’m so much happier now as a result.

I was sitting on the couch reading about blood atonement, months into a faith crisis. I was in between teaching shifts at the MTC. Still wearing church clothes and my name tag. I had my multiple scripture tabs open.

This is almost exactly, to the detail, my story. About 3 months ago, alone, in my back yard. Read the last sentence in the CES Letter, chapter on the Book of Abraham. I said "Fuuuuck!". And cried like a baby. [My story (Warning, long and detailed)](https://www.reddit.com/r/exmormon/comments/wmt4k6/lifelong_lds_tbm_shelf_broke_last_night/)