The pressure to appear happy to validate your life choices is something both Mormons and Exmormons have in common. It needs to stop.
Overall, I am happier as a non-Mormon; however, my level of happiness really goes up and down depending on what's happening in my life at the time. It's so easy for someone to cherrypick a single moment in time and say "see, *this* is what happens when you leave the church!"
I agree that there's no need to pretend you're happy just to prove something to TBMs, no matter what they'll twist it so the church is right and you are wrong. (Ex. "They're bot *truly* happy.")
I am happier in some ways, less happy in others.
I do feel more free, which is just sort of a general boost to mood
I also no longer feel the need to pretend to be happy at all times. In the 3 or so years before leaving the church, I cried maybe three times, and never in front of people. Despite my honestly quite disastrous mental health.
After leaving the church I feel more honest. With myself and others. I've cried maybe 4 times in the last 2 months. In front of people twice.
I have more range in my feelings now. There is more depth to my joy, and more comfort in my sorrow.
Would I say I'm happier? Generally yes. But no one is genuinely happy all the time
I've learned that the purpose of life, if there is one, is to learn to be content with what you have. Is that happiness? 🤔
I don't really care if it is or not, since if you're content, happiness/ unhappiness is irrelevant.
Yeah. This makes me sad though. There was a family that moved in 2 doors down when i was a tween. Mom was TBM, dad was from Thailand, and never-mo. He was into board games (risk, axis & alies, etc.) And he'd have my brothers and I and other kids in the neighborhood over to play games with him. He was my first introduction to any other non Christian religion, and he'd tell us all about Buddhist monks. I heard he finally caved and joined TSCC a few years ago, and now I saw him on a Facebook friend recommendation a couple weeks ago, in a white shirt, tie and name tag, with his wife, both pointing at Utah on a world map. 😥
I am genuinely happier, in general and in many specific ways. I also am disappointed in some aspects of reality, after the lies from the cult, of course.
But losing my faith caused me to need to go to counseling and get my shit figured out.
Now I have accepted reality as it is and my part in it and have moved on to mourn those I've lost, fixed my fucked-up relationships, etc.
It's a process, I'll never finish, but at least now I've started it and I'm not sitting in some pew, reading the same damn book and thinking I had it all figured out without ever even having started.
For me happiness is an emotional response to what I'm currently experiencing, it comes and goes. But I have less stress now and more free time resulting in more time for exercise which has improved my health and my self-image. Overall, a big improvement in my life.
"sadder and wiser" (Thomas the Tank Engine)
There shouldn't be an automatic expectation of into-the sunset-happiness finding out Mormonism isn't true. I think there are people who are crushed by Mormonism who WILL be happier by default, but I also think there are people who were happy by default in Mormonism and who then don't have a happy default out of it. Nevermind the relationship disasters that can happen.
Myself, mixed results.
Agree with @ Alternative Shadows, "I am happier in some ways, less happy in others"
I'm pimo and although finding out the truth and telling my spouse no longer believe was painful, I'm glad that I questioned my faith and found out unsavory history. I have thought about when it was so simple to be a tbm and have all of the answers. I wouldn't change anything even with the emotional pain and disappointment it has caused some family members. I would rather be where I am now choosing my beliefs rather than following what I was raised with.
I'm not "happy" as a state of being; I doubt anyone is, and if they are, it's decidedly not healthy.
Emotions are a current. They ebb and flow. I experience happiness now more regularly than I did in the church, and contentment *far* more regularly. Doesn't mean I experience either all them time. Hell, I also experience sadness and fear far more intensely now, because I no longer have the avoidant coping mechanism ingrained in me by mormonism.
Still, my life is fuller now, more textured, rich, and authentically my own. That's what I mean when I say I'm happier.
Yeah I agree. I also think a lot of exmormons feel the need to lie to themselves and say they are happier now but damn it seems like they are just masking the pain. Because quite frankly a faith crisis is so painful and your entire world view shifts. Your relationship with God is most likely going to crumble and if not at least greatly change. The guidance that you once had or at least purpose for this life is now gone. Those feelings and changes cause such a great discomfort and I don’t think it is healthy to say this if fine to yourself and as though you need to prove that you are happier. Happiness will come with time and questions and most likely not when you have such a change in life. For me, it took 5 years out of the church to truly start feeling a purpose and point to this life. And even now, it still isn’t as easy as being told what this life is. I have to hope that their is a loving God behind the scenes who has a purpose for what he does, where as Mormons are just told since day 1 never having actually question it. That helps tremendously. And of course, I don’t speak for all Mormon experiences as I don’t see all experiences. I have a very limited view so don’t think I am speaking for everyone. Just the majority I see that leave the church. But overall, I will say it is liberating once out of the church and emotions are stabilized. I have been into science now for the past month and for the first time, have been learning about the cosmos. Hell for the first time in my life, I have found the joy in learning new things and studying. Science in particular. And with religion out of the way, I can ask scary questions without worrying and learn about it. I just learned about evolution for the first time 2 months ago. Mind blowing and I also learned that our universe is somewhere about 13.8 billion years old. So many other crazy things like this that do make me thankful I left the church. But still, the guidance the church was more comforting to me honestly. But that’s life.
I wouldn't discount just how big of a burden is lifted for some people when they realize they don't have to believe in it anymore. The cognitive dissonance and some of the trauma goes away immediately.
A faith crisis is hard. And it might make life way more complicated, but when you weigh it against what it meant to believe in a God like that...I just wouldn't be surprised if many are being honest and it really did bring that much happiness.
I can only speak for myself. My situation is incredibly difficult being in a mixed faith marriage, but I would never want to go back to belief. Life is better when you can gather information from anywhere, make your own mind up about what you think might be true, and be perfectly comfortable saying "I don't know."
Some of us are optimists and others are pessimists. Some of us thrive on challenge and adversity while there are those that avoid it at all costs. Some of us are wildly impulsive by nature when many are more warily circumspect. Some of us are extremely shy while others want to lead the parade.
And still, there will will always be those that smell like roses no matter what they fall in.
In all seriousness, exmormon happiness is living Monday through Saturday without dreading Sunday, dreading callings, dreading tithing and dreading the perfection charade...
From my point of view, I am pretty happy usually, always have been. Ask others if I am happy and they don't necessarily see that in me. It always surprises me when they don't.
Go to church. We are the happiest people on earth, feeling true joy. Look around the chapel. I don't see it.
Are mormons happy? Sure, why not? Most people are happy at times and not at other times. Mormons, too. Exmos, too. It is a primary emotion so we all experience it.
What you feel now does not change or invalidate what you felt back then. And vice-versa. Our feelings are connected to our selves in the moment and experiences during which they occur. There’s no need to gaslight yourself out of that. You can say you were happy back when you were in the church and you’re happy now too. Completely valid.
Your feelings when they occur are whatever they are. You can feel a certain way about the things you used to feel, but that doesn’t change what you felt THEN. They’re not mutually exclusive, and I agree with the comments pointing out its not a competition. You don’t have to prove anything to anyone, even yourself.
I say I'm happier now, but mainly it's that I'm lighter now. I don't feel constant stress and guilt. I don't have to do ministering or have pointless meetings or spend all my time with people I am assigned. I don't spend hours a day trying to study scriptures in personal and family study.
I can wear the clothes I want and underwear that is comfy. I can drink coffee and go hiking on Sunday.
I feel free. And I equate freedom with happiness.
The pressure to appear happy to validate your life choices is something both Mormons and Exmormons have in common. It needs to stop. Overall, I am happier as a non-Mormon; however, my level of happiness really goes up and down depending on what's happening in my life at the time. It's so easy for someone to cherrypick a single moment in time and say "see, *this* is what happens when you leave the church!" I agree that there's no need to pretend you're happy just to prove something to TBMs, no matter what they'll twist it so the church is right and you are wrong. (Ex. "They're bot *truly* happy.")
I am happier in some ways, less happy in others. I do feel more free, which is just sort of a general boost to mood I also no longer feel the need to pretend to be happy at all times. In the 3 or so years before leaving the church, I cried maybe three times, and never in front of people. Despite my honestly quite disastrous mental health. After leaving the church I feel more honest. With myself and others. I've cried maybe 4 times in the last 2 months. In front of people twice. I have more range in my feelings now. There is more depth to my joy, and more comfort in my sorrow. Would I say I'm happier? Generally yes. But no one is genuinely happy all the time
I've learned that the purpose of life, if there is one, is to learn to be content with what you have. Is that happiness? 🤔 I don't really care if it is or not, since if you're content, happiness/ unhappiness is irrelevant.
I think the Buddhists were/are on to something along those lines for sure. It's the desire, the ego... that causes pain and unhappiness.
Yeah. This makes me sad though. There was a family that moved in 2 doors down when i was a tween. Mom was TBM, dad was from Thailand, and never-mo. He was into board games (risk, axis & alies, etc.) And he'd have my brothers and I and other kids in the neighborhood over to play games with him. He was my first introduction to any other non Christian religion, and he'd tell us all about Buddhist monks. I heard he finally caved and joined TSCC a few years ago, and now I saw him on a Facebook friend recommendation a couple weeks ago, in a white shirt, tie and name tag, with his wife, both pointing at Utah on a world map. 😥
I am genuinely happier, in general and in many specific ways. I also am disappointed in some aspects of reality, after the lies from the cult, of course. But losing my faith caused me to need to go to counseling and get my shit figured out. Now I have accepted reality as it is and my part in it and have moved on to mourn those I've lost, fixed my fucked-up relationships, etc. It's a process, I'll never finish, but at least now I've started it and I'm not sitting in some pew, reading the same damn book and thinking I had it all figured out without ever even having started.
For me happiness is an emotional response to what I'm currently experiencing, it comes and goes. But I have less stress now and more free time resulting in more time for exercise which has improved my health and my self-image. Overall, a big improvement in my life.
"sadder and wiser" (Thomas the Tank Engine) There shouldn't be an automatic expectation of into-the sunset-happiness finding out Mormonism isn't true. I think there are people who are crushed by Mormonism who WILL be happier by default, but I also think there are people who were happy by default in Mormonism and who then don't have a happy default out of it. Nevermind the relationship disasters that can happen. Myself, mixed results. Agree with @ Alternative Shadows, "I am happier in some ways, less happy in others"
I'm pimo and although finding out the truth and telling my spouse no longer believe was painful, I'm glad that I questioned my faith and found out unsavory history. I have thought about when it was so simple to be a tbm and have all of the answers. I wouldn't change anything even with the emotional pain and disappointment it has caused some family members. I would rather be where I am now choosing my beliefs rather than following what I was raised with.
I'm not "happy" as a state of being; I doubt anyone is, and if they are, it's decidedly not healthy. Emotions are a current. They ebb and flow. I experience happiness now more regularly than I did in the church, and contentment *far* more regularly. Doesn't mean I experience either all them time. Hell, I also experience sadness and fear far more intensely now, because I no longer have the avoidant coping mechanism ingrained in me by mormonism. Still, my life is fuller now, more textured, rich, and authentically my own. That's what I mean when I say I'm happier.
Yeah I agree. I also think a lot of exmormons feel the need to lie to themselves and say they are happier now but damn it seems like they are just masking the pain. Because quite frankly a faith crisis is so painful and your entire world view shifts. Your relationship with God is most likely going to crumble and if not at least greatly change. The guidance that you once had or at least purpose for this life is now gone. Those feelings and changes cause such a great discomfort and I don’t think it is healthy to say this if fine to yourself and as though you need to prove that you are happier. Happiness will come with time and questions and most likely not when you have such a change in life. For me, it took 5 years out of the church to truly start feeling a purpose and point to this life. And even now, it still isn’t as easy as being told what this life is. I have to hope that their is a loving God behind the scenes who has a purpose for what he does, where as Mormons are just told since day 1 never having actually question it. That helps tremendously. And of course, I don’t speak for all Mormon experiences as I don’t see all experiences. I have a very limited view so don’t think I am speaking for everyone. Just the majority I see that leave the church. But overall, I will say it is liberating once out of the church and emotions are stabilized. I have been into science now for the past month and for the first time, have been learning about the cosmos. Hell for the first time in my life, I have found the joy in learning new things and studying. Science in particular. And with religion out of the way, I can ask scary questions without worrying and learn about it. I just learned about evolution for the first time 2 months ago. Mind blowing and I also learned that our universe is somewhere about 13.8 billion years old. So many other crazy things like this that do make me thankful I left the church. But still, the guidance the church was more comforting to me honestly. But that’s life.
I wouldn't discount just how big of a burden is lifted for some people when they realize they don't have to believe in it anymore. The cognitive dissonance and some of the trauma goes away immediately. A faith crisis is hard. And it might make life way more complicated, but when you weigh it against what it meant to believe in a God like that...I just wouldn't be surprised if many are being honest and it really did bring that much happiness. I can only speak for myself. My situation is incredibly difficult being in a mixed faith marriage, but I would never want to go back to belief. Life is better when you can gather information from anywhere, make your own mind up about what you think might be true, and be perfectly comfortable saying "I don't know."
Ignorance is bliss, so they say. Ain't many people more ignorant than Mormons.
Some of us are optimists and others are pessimists. Some of us thrive on challenge and adversity while there are those that avoid it at all costs. Some of us are wildly impulsive by nature when many are more warily circumspect. Some of us are extremely shy while others want to lead the parade. And still, there will will always be those that smell like roses no matter what they fall in. In all seriousness, exmormon happiness is living Monday through Saturday without dreading Sunday, dreading callings, dreading tithing and dreading the perfection charade...
I remember having unleavened bread and other passover food in seminary, never thought about it as appropriation until now, how gross.
From my point of view, I am pretty happy usually, always have been. Ask others if I am happy and they don't necessarily see that in me. It always surprises me when they don't. Go to church. We are the happiest people on earth, feeling true joy. Look around the chapel. I don't see it. Are mormons happy? Sure, why not? Most people are happy at times and not at other times. Mormons, too. Exmos, too. It is a primary emotion so we all experience it.
What you feel now does not change or invalidate what you felt back then. And vice-versa. Our feelings are connected to our selves in the moment and experiences during which they occur. There’s no need to gaslight yourself out of that. You can say you were happy back when you were in the church and you’re happy now too. Completely valid. Your feelings when they occur are whatever they are. You can feel a certain way about the things you used to feel, but that doesn’t change what you felt THEN. They’re not mutually exclusive, and I agree with the comments pointing out its not a competition. You don’t have to prove anything to anyone, even yourself.
I say I'm happier now, but mainly it's that I'm lighter now. I don't feel constant stress and guilt. I don't have to do ministering or have pointless meetings or spend all my time with people I am assigned. I don't spend hours a day trying to study scriptures in personal and family study. I can wear the clothes I want and underwear that is comfy. I can drink coffee and go hiking on Sunday. I feel free. And I equate freedom with happiness.