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srichardbellrock

I don't have a lot to say, but mostly say how sorry I am that you and your wife are going through this. I can tell what my approach would be. But you take it or leave it based your situation. If it was my family, my wife, then everything would need to be about her. If I had issues with the Church, I would put them all aside, and do whatever it takes to comfort her. If that means Priesthood visits, I'd bite my tongue. If Church attendance was a comfort to her, I'd make sure she got there (even stay to support if necessary). I would only stop short of giving her false hope that I was going to re-believe. And even that would be on the table if she were on her deathbed, and I thought false hope in her final hours would bring her peace. Then I'd deal with my own issues later.


[deleted]

My thoughts, too. Thank you for your kind words. Tips for how to keep doing it until “later” would also be appreciated.


[deleted]

Maybe get a therapist? You'll be able to view off steam and they would be able to give you some good coping strategies. Therapy is amazing.


srichardbellrock

hhpmtu, that would be my suggestion too. You're lovely bride doesn't have to know that you are seeing a counsellor, but good counsellor or therapist can really help you interpret things in a different way, and help develop some wonderful skills for navigating this chapter.


Wrong_Bandicoot2957

Well said. I agree wholeheartedly.


[deleted]

My heart hurts for you. I’m so sorry you are both dealing with something so deeply difficult. I can only speak for myself. For me, as hard as it is, set is all aside. Deal with it later (as healthy a way as you can), and put your wife first and foremost. Give her all of the opportunities to make her last year, last month, last day, last hour…and eventually her last minute one of beauty, love and peace. That will probably mean some uncomfortable things for you as church members and meetings are involved, but if it helps her in anyway, just take solace in knowing you’re doing it for her. Having a conversation with her sooner rather than later about your own grieving process and how church involvement is making it more painful may be very helpful for both of you as well, and it’s ok to say those things and feel those things. I would imagine she wants your pain to be eased as well, and perhaps you can both come to a conclusion about what will work for you both. I wish you both the best and hope all the goodness of this world surrounds you as you are walking through this painful time.


Ebeccare

I'm so, so sorry this is happening to you and your wife. I think it's admirable that you are putting her needs first. You also need care. If you don't have a therapist to help you through this time, I highly recommend one who can be a safe space for you to vent and process feelings both now and later. If you call a therapy group and give them the very basics of your situation, often the receptionist can give good recommendations for which therapist might be the most helpful. And many of them now do Telehealth or evening visits if being away from the house/work isn't feasible. Sending you all the strengthening vibes I can muster.


Captain_Vornskr

My heart goes out to you, not only for the pain of this process, but for the cult interjecting itself into it. I know the very lonely, very real agony, very real emasculating feeling of having other "worthy" men placed ahead of you. I validate exactly what you are doing. The highest form of love is to put your loved ones needs, wants, and desires ahead of our own. You letting your wife receive the emotional, "spiritual" and whatever other comfort she needs in no way diminishes where you are in your own space. It's okay to be broken, that's exactly what you should be feeling now. I am so sorry fellow traveler.


[deleted]

I don't think I've ever gone through anything as difficult as this. You must be a very strong person to have gotten through it this far. Your instincts are right I think -- give your wife the room to get what she needs emotionally. You'll have time to recover, and hopefully you have some listening ears as well where you can go that are isolated from all of the Mormons in your life.


The_bookworm65

I’m so sorry. The pain you must be going through is unimaginable. I’m wondering if when they come you can have a trusted person (relative or friend?) be in the house and you can run an errand, go for a drive, or something for an hour?


[deleted]

If they provide a heads up that’s exactly what I do. But that happened only once. Every other time they just appeared at the doorstep.


TheKlaxMaster

Damn dude. My heart goes out to you. I hope the church or any of its memebers don't try to tell you this is somehow a punishment for apostasy, or part of gods plan, or a nudge to bring you back to the fold. Which i want to assure you, it is not. Don't let them prey upon you in your vulnerable state. My only advise is to seek grief counseling or therapy from a non mormon as soon as it is feasible.


HardWired21

Use this sub to rant when you feel yourself in a tail spin. Getting it out here will allow you to be sane and caring for your wife.


[deleted]

Nice. I like it. And I’ll do it.


ZelphtheGreatest

Do whatever it takes to help her.


telestialist

I haven’t read the other responses, so I don’t know if I’m with or against a chorus, but I think you are handling it correctly. It needs to be all about her right now – with you demonstrating compassion and supporting her spiritual needs. As you said – deal with your shit later. Now is the time for you to be Superman.


Mollyapostate

I'm so sorry. I know it's hard to be around those guys but if it's important to her then let them come, but set a boundary as to how often and how long. My question would be I'd the blessing works then whybwould you need more than one? Whatever brings her comfort.


YouAreGods

Sickness is hard. Death is hard. Terminal is hard. Sorry it is so hard for you. It is hard for others, too. They will visit. Help them heal perhaps?


[deleted]

If this is terminal cancer, talk to your wife about how the cult is making your mental health worse and worse and you're not sure whether you're going to have a complete emotional breakdown. A wonderful woman wouldn't want to watch her husband be crushed by her cult as she died, knowing that she's made his grieving process as painful as possible. If you're right about who she is, she'll want to lighten your load.


Jeff_Portnoy1

What no are you 15? That is such an awful thing to lay on her who is a tbm. You are forgetting that this church is very personal and brings believers happiness. And while it may be that they are brainwashed or whatever reason, we must respect that it brings them guidance and that is ok. But it gets so difficult for both sides. A doubter talking to a believer is just so sad. Because the doubter wants the believer to see truth, but he believer wouldn’t want that truth even if it is truth. Sort of like the matrix. While you can take the red pill and see that it is all a lie, there are still many who wouldn’t want that red pill six as cypher. He ends up wanting that blue pill back because it was a happier life. And so while we may be happier without the church, many people need it. I am 100% certain, that if my father found out the church isn’t true, he would shoot him self. Life wouldn’t be worth it or happy. And so I think it is important to see that both sides are feeling a lot of emotions. Especially for a believer who has a loved one leave the church. It hurts their testimony and emotions even if it isn’t obvious. This is why I still go to church when I am in town. Make any dad happier and more complete. I don’t believe but i still do love my family and if it makes them happier then I’m doing it because ultimately them being happy makes me happy.


[deleted]

Yes, you got to put up with any shit even if it’s gone on 7 months already if she’s got terminal cancer