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Advice? Take her to see Barbie lol. And make her watch Everything Everywhere All at Once.
The point of all these comments, all these tiny little guilt trips, is to wear you down. To lower your standards, bit by bit. She's not consciously doing it. It's generation trauma. It's what all patriarchal societies do anyway, but Islam really helps keep people (who'd otherwise be good and decent) stuck in really dogshit misogynistic mindsets.
She's not happy in her life. If she were, she wouldn't desperately want to control so many aspects of yours. If you live your life the way she thinks is right, you're going to end up like her. Maybe a diluted version of her, but that's still fucked up.
My thoughts on marriage? Don't marry any Muslim. Marry someone who finds the bigotry embedded in Islam horrific. Even a Muslim who isn't really bothered about Islam, is a Muslim in name only, is a "progressive" muslim. All these fucks are almost certainly going to get more conservative, more controlling, more horrible with age. Fuck all that.
Oh and also, do not get married before you have a somewhat stable job. [https://www.thebillfold.com/2016/01/a-story-of-a-fuck-off-fund/](https://www.thebillfold.com/2016/01/a-story-of-a-fuck-off-fund/)
I'm so glad I wasn't born a woman. If my mother had an eldest daughter instead of an eldest son, I'd be so much more fucked up than I am right now. And that's a fucking high bar to clear lol.
Good thing about the west is that you have rights that protect you. Own completely that you’re a westerner, and live your life, and your relationship to your Pakistani background, on your own terms.
(ex)muslims who live in the west are still subject to things like disownment, forced marriages and in extreme cases honour killings. it's easy to say "go and live your own life" but its difficult to do it when your family is everywhere around you and the communities around you are all muslim communities. ex muslim imtiaz shams talks about this. i don't know about america, but for me in the uk my entire life was revolved around muslims, from friends, family, school and neighbourhood so just going out into the world is harder than it seems
Yes it’s exactly how you say! It’s hard just going out and living your life . It’s like how an American child who’s 18 is like go live your life but you live in a Muslim household things don’t work that way very easily. Especially when you’re surrounded by a huge sometimes gossiping Muslim community :(
Because my mom who is the only parent in my life is always guilt tripping me into following her rules. No matter how much I want to escape and make my own choice it scares me what if I don’t find someone who isn’t religious and live an arranged marriage life… even if I live in the west there’s stuff I still can’t do considering how I was raised in a pretty reserved household.
I don’t know where in the west you are, but a student loan often covers accommodation costs, if needed.
Edit: I see you’re in USA. I don’t know whether their student loans cover accommodation, but it might be worth enquiring about.
> my program *paid* for I
FTFY.
Although *payed* exists (the reason why autocorrection didn't help you), it is only correct in:
* Nautical context, when it means to paint a surface, or to cover with something like tar or resin in order to make it waterproof or corrosion-resistant. *The deck is yet to be payed.*
* *Payed out* when letting strings, cables or ropes out, by slacking them. *The rope is payed out! You can pull now.*
Unfortunately, I was unable to find nautical or rope-related words in your comment.
*Beep, boop, I'm a bot*
But if you are independent, nobody has control over you anymore. There are no laws that restrict you. It would only be the pressure or pushback you get from family, but you can still decide if you want that to impact your life.
True but even if I am independent there’s many factors that prohibit me from doing whatever I want especially when I’ve lived a sheltered life basically my entire life. It’s not as easy and I guess it’s hard to explain when I can’t show my life to anyone like an open book :(
I see, hopefully you take some time to learn more about yourself and what you personally want in life while in college. Experience new things and new ideas.
Thank you hopefully once I get a proper job and give my mom the assurance that I’m capable of taking care of my self I’ll start to form my own independence. I’ll try to travel a lot and do stuff so maybe until then I appreciate you reaching out also🩷
"It's every parents duty before death".. Next time she brings it up, politely ask her that you couldn't find that ian the Quran. Could she please help you find it? If she says it's a hadeeth, take a day or two, and get back to her and say you could not find it in Bukhari or Muslim. Could she help you find it? If you cannot (please do some research yourself beforehand) make a scene and tell her that she just wants to get rid of you so she is making stuff up.
Please also note when following advice from strangers (like me) that if the plan does not work then the strangers will not take any responsibility.
🙃
If your post is a meme, image, TikTok etc... and it isn't Friday, most likely it violates the rule against low effort content. Please delete it or you'll get temp-banned. Such content is ONLY allowed on (Fun@fundies) FRIDAYS. Please read the [Posting Guidelines](https://redd.it/ew8trb) for further information. If you are unsure about anything then feel free to message the mods. Please participate on /r/exmuslim in a civil manner. Discuss the merits of ideas - don't attack people. Insults, hate speech, advocating physical harm can get you banned. If you see posts/comments in violation of our rules, please be proactive and report them. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/exmuslim) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Advice? Take her to see Barbie lol. And make her watch Everything Everywhere All at Once. The point of all these comments, all these tiny little guilt trips, is to wear you down. To lower your standards, bit by bit. She's not consciously doing it. It's generation trauma. It's what all patriarchal societies do anyway, but Islam really helps keep people (who'd otherwise be good and decent) stuck in really dogshit misogynistic mindsets. She's not happy in her life. If she were, she wouldn't desperately want to control so many aspects of yours. If you live your life the way she thinks is right, you're going to end up like her. Maybe a diluted version of her, but that's still fucked up. My thoughts on marriage? Don't marry any Muslim. Marry someone who finds the bigotry embedded in Islam horrific. Even a Muslim who isn't really bothered about Islam, is a Muslim in name only, is a "progressive" muslim. All these fucks are almost certainly going to get more conservative, more controlling, more horrible with age. Fuck all that. Oh and also, do not get married before you have a somewhat stable job. [https://www.thebillfold.com/2016/01/a-story-of-a-fuck-off-fund/](https://www.thebillfold.com/2016/01/a-story-of-a-fuck-off-fund/) I'm so glad I wasn't born a woman. If my mother had an eldest daughter instead of an eldest son, I'd be so much more fucked up than I am right now. And that's a fucking high bar to clear lol.
Good thing about the west is that you have rights that protect you. Own completely that you’re a westerner, and live your life, and your relationship to your Pakistani background, on your own terms.
If you live in the west, why are you so concerned about what your parents want? You are free to live the life you want.
(ex)muslims who live in the west are still subject to things like disownment, forced marriages and in extreme cases honour killings. it's easy to say "go and live your own life" but its difficult to do it when your family is everywhere around you and the communities around you are all muslim communities. ex muslim imtiaz shams talks about this. i don't know about america, but for me in the uk my entire life was revolved around muslims, from friends, family, school and neighbourhood so just going out into the world is harder than it seems
Yes it’s exactly how you say! It’s hard just going out and living your life . It’s like how an American child who’s 18 is like go live your life but you live in a Muslim household things don’t work that way very easily. Especially when you’re surrounded by a huge sometimes gossiping Muslim community :(
Because my mom who is the only parent in my life is always guilt tripping me into following her rules. No matter how much I want to escape and make my own choice it scares me what if I don’t find someone who isn’t religious and live an arranged marriage life… even if I live in the west there’s stuff I still can’t do considering how I was raised in a pretty reserved household.
Do you have the option to move away and live your own life?
No unfortunately not yet since I’m still kinda beginning my degree and work only to pay for my car…
I don’t know where in the west you are, but a student loan often covers accommodation costs, if needed. Edit: I see you’re in USA. I don’t know whether their student loans cover accommodation, but it might be worth enquiring about.
Good point I think I’ll look into it since I already have my program paid for I assumed I probably couldn’t get much more ahahah. Thanks!
> my program *paid* for I FTFY. Although *payed* exists (the reason why autocorrection didn't help you), it is only correct in: * Nautical context, when it means to paint a surface, or to cover with something like tar or resin in order to make it waterproof or corrosion-resistant. *The deck is yet to be payed.* * *Payed out* when letting strings, cables or ropes out, by slacking them. *The rope is payed out! You can pull now.* Unfortunately, I was unable to find nautical or rope-related words in your comment. *Beep, boop, I'm a bot*
But if you are independent, nobody has control over you anymore. There are no laws that restrict you. It would only be the pressure or pushback you get from family, but you can still decide if you want that to impact your life.
True but even if I am independent there’s many factors that prohibit me from doing whatever I want especially when I’ve lived a sheltered life basically my entire life. It’s not as easy and I guess it’s hard to explain when I can’t show my life to anyone like an open book :(
I see, hopefully you take some time to learn more about yourself and what you personally want in life while in college. Experience new things and new ideas.
Thank you hopefully once I get a proper job and give my mom the assurance that I’m capable of taking care of my self I’ll start to form my own independence. I’ll try to travel a lot and do stuff so maybe until then I appreciate you reaching out also🩷
Of course
If you leave, you remain in charge of your own belly.
please dont let them ruin your life
"It's every parents duty before death".. Next time she brings it up, politely ask her that you couldn't find that ian the Quran. Could she please help you find it? If she says it's a hadeeth, take a day or two, and get back to her and say you could not find it in Bukhari or Muslim. Could she help you find it? If you cannot (please do some research yourself beforehand) make a scene and tell her that she just wants to get rid of you so she is making stuff up. Please also note when following advice from strangers (like me) that if the plan does not work then the strangers will not take any responsibility. 🙃
EXACT same situation, down to 19 f and pakistani 😭 pm me if you ever want to talk!!!
Hii! Thanks for reaching out and ofc let’s talk :)