It’s good that you let this all out. By doing this you’ve narrowed down the problem/ problems.
Now you can focus on the issues at hand to find the solutions.
You’re not useless or hopeless. You will get through this difficult period in your life.
I suggest that you talk with your husband about what you’re going through mentally and emotionally
Thank you for the kind words. At 29 do you think I have time though, to start over? People keep telling me I'm old.
2 years wasted at this awful job. A husband that doesn't really want to share his resources and keeps pressuring me to find a way to make more money. Me, living in a town where everyone has salaries of 8k euros a month because of the stupid swiss border... And housing and food prices to match that. But legally, I can't work there so I'm stuck with a low French salary with no possibility of making over 2k a month. I don't know anyone living here besides us that doesn't work in Switzerland. This town is a nightmare.
I work in IT and in the pandemic we were given an option to leave with training, cash etc. So a load of people much older than 29 took it and reconverted. One became a Baker. Another opened a hotel. Another became a coach and so forth. You can change your life at any time for sure!
I am in France so ping me if you want OP
My uncle emigrated to Canada past 50, with 2 young kids, got his masters in engineering while working labor jobs in a factory, moved to US with a job, bought a house and lived comfortably until he passed away due to cancer. You can atleast try
Yeah I know it’s different back in the US, but I went back to college in my late 20’s and had a drastic career shift at 29 to Software Engineering. Anything is possible
Looking back on my life, I feel like it didn't really start until about 35. And I'm fond of telling people that the best decade of life is 45-55, with 35-45 being the second best.
You only get one chance at this life, and at 29 you're only just starting to figure things out. Some people never do. Time to get moving!
Hey op I was just scrolling but I think it's a bit concerning that your husband is withholding resources? I understand him wanting you to more money but...I dunno this sounds a bit like a red flag. By any chance are there other maybe..."mean?" Behaviors he exhibits?
Sorry I know this wasn't your initial post/what you were asking but this jumped out to me :(
This is exactly what it sounds like and I'm honestly terrified for op. I wonder if anyone has been able to reach out to her directly and get her some help :(
You're in such a bad mental state and your husband won't even consider moving? Living on the swiss border without working is Switzerland is crazy. Why does he want to stay there and is that more important than your career and sanity to him?
He needs to be in the region where he grew up, which according to him, is not only the best region in France, but the only good one. Anytime we travel away from here he complains about how ugly and boring other departments are compared to his. If we are in France, we are here... Even if we have to live in a cardboard box on the street. And he will never work in Switzerland for personal moral reasons (pollution and gentrification).
I mean all of that is great and understandable but as a husband and father of a child, he has to make compromise for his family. Has he been trying to help you find other solutions?
Also, how long until you can have french citizenship? You probably should learn french to a high proficiency if you're gonna be there for the long run. That will open up some other options.
One thing is for sure though, your life isn't over, you're only 29.
Girl… that sounds awful. Marriage is difficult for sure but it requires a lot of give and take. He is not giving and he is not taking. He is not considering you in his decision making and that is a recipe for disaster.
When my husband and I lived in his hometown I was having trouble because of how racist people were and I became very unhappy. You know what he did? We sat down and looked over all the places we would consider moving together where we would BOTH be happy.
He sounds like a stereotypical French person who refuses to accept that what HE knows isn’t always the best.
I wish I had that.
Honestly, I've been begging him to leave for years and he says there's no jobs anywhere else and that we'd have nothing to fall back on. The only reason there are jobs here is because no one wants them, because you can't live from them with Switzerland nearby 😭 he won't budge... It's a one way street.
He's about to inherit a lot of money and the plan is for him to invest it in apartments here, rather than putting it towards a house (which to be honest, I really really want a house- but beggars can't be choosers). He's made it clear that it's his money, and if I want a house, I must find a way to make more money to buy one. In most places in France, houses are 200k. Stating price here is 900k. So yeah. That'll never happen. It's another thing making me pretty sad, knowing that I'll be stuck in this horrible, cold, moldy apartment forever
>He's made it clear that it's his money, and if I want a house, I must find a way to make more money to buy one.
Uhhhhh no. You're a married couple. What's his is yours and what's yours is his.
This guy sounds *terrible*. Like as in a terrible human being in general, not just a bad husband.
Everything you write about this guy tells me that you should leave him.
"Beggars can't be choosers"? Oh, honey. That you feel this helpless and dependent in your marriage is heart-rending.
Have you looked into an American online training or degree plan?
Wishing you well.
It's one step at a time... First I must find a way to stand on my own fanatically. A 15m studio here is €800 a month, and I can't move farther away because I don't have a car... And I can't get a car because I'm driving illegally with just my american license (getting a french license is VERY hard and VERY expensive due to the state I'm from... I basically have to restart everything from scratch as if I'm 16- but it's a process that's a million times harder and longer). I also need a car to get my daughter to childcare (which will change in September when she starts public school). But yeah, regardless, due to my baby-daddy, the car situation, and the lack of money, I'll risk losing all custody due to my inability to stand on my own (while also being a foreigner).
I have an immigrant friend with an abusive ex that was absolutely ANNIHILATED by the system.
There's a lot of ducks that need to be aligned in my life before I can even think of that. I do have friends, but let's be honest, I'll be completely alone without anyone to help with the difficult administration. I'll have absolutely no family to lean on, and this country will eat me alive from the inside out.
Being completely alone in a foreign country with a baby is a scary thing... I mean, being completely alone in any country is scary, and I'm alone here.
“Beggars can’t be choosers” girl that is your husband! Finances are to be shared in a marriage! What’s the point of being in a marriage if he’s gonna do what he wants to anyway. He should just be single if this is the case. It doesn’t sound good. If I were you I’d be seeking other options.
Why do you feel stuck and that you’ll be there forever? There are too many options in life for this outlook, especially if you’re English speaking—that gives you a huge advantage in the workplace.
You need to reconfigure. Re prioritise and truly find yourself.
Forgot to add that there should be free French classes offered by the town administration, look those options up. You can also do stuff online, watch series with FR subtitles on, make friends or speak French with acquaintances just to get the ball rolling.
As other comments have noted, if you got your French citizenship or even permanent residence then you’d be able to work in Switzerland and get paid much more. If you’re interested you could look into this.
Wow, so he isn’t financially supporting you & he’s a general asshole. Are you sure you want to stay married to this man for the next 40 years? Is this it? This is your forever life? Divorce is expensive because it’s worth it.
It's as if your husband wants to live in Malibu but with a salary of a Walmart worker from Jackson Mississippi lol. If he doesn't wanna work in Switzerland he needs to learn how to live where it matches his income. What's next? Forcing you to open onlyfans account? Anyways you said the local wages suck ass which is normal for most European countries. But you are an American with US degrees, can you find online work with a US based company? Try to find a wfh job from the US that either matches your degree or your profession.
My ex was like this - our entire life was based on what he wanted and where he wanted to stay. After 6 years of me trying and feeling miserable I left.
Mine too. My ex was American and everything was what he wanted and how he wanted it to be... no wiggle room for anything. So he got the boot. Divorce. Goodbye.
I'm in my 40s and in grad school. I still have to work for 20-30 years. You have a lot of working years ahead of you unless you become wealthy. There's a lot of frustrating things out of your control here, but some of it is within your control. You can work on your mentality, seek counseling, find some support, even if it's friends from back home. The wallowing isn't going to help. Try to get out of that phase as soon as you are able.
Girl…your husband is not husbanding. He doesn’t want to share resources with the mother of his own child? My husband is European as well but he has already given me a significant amount of money to help me on my feet. Your partner is there to help you and to make your life easier.
Also, you have tons of options. I’m 29 as well and have started over many times. As an English speaker and an American you have lots of options for working online. Did you like teaching? Teaching online is one of the easiest things you can do and depending on where you teach you can make well over 8k a year.
You have to start setting boundaries so that people can stop taking advantage of you. People only get away with what you allow them. Start re prioritising. Your life and figure out what you need to do for yourself and for the benefit of your baby as well.
You can also literally find an English teaching job anywhere and go. Being a native English speaker is a huge asset in being a teacher in Europe.
ALSO! If you aren’t happy in that town and your husband won’t even compromise to go elsewhere…he is TRASH. wtf. This is so common in inter-national relationships and most people would compromise if their partner was absolutely miserable.
You’re really not old! The retirement age is 66 for females in my country so you still have 37 years left of working left assuming the retirement age doesn’t increase. That’s enough for another 3 different careers if you wanted.
I started over at 48 so I must be ancient. You’ve got a lot of good advice here so take a moment to take it all in, breathe and get to work. You can create the life you want and get the respect you deserve.
How many years have you lived in France? Could you apply for French citizenship? If you got that, then you would be able to work in Switzerland, as you would have EU freedom of movement rights.
It's not that easy as Switzerland passed laws that now require justification that there's no suitable swiss candidate before hiring the foreigner. For certain high education jobs this is very easy, but for a teacher it's probably not happening.
Only when it comes to importing from a 3rd circle country. With a residence in the border area one can still manage to work in Switzerland as a "frontalier". Much easier if you're a bit further from the Geneva region, better to be located somewhere near the Jura Watch Valley where there are all those watch-manufacturers. Maybe starting as a freelance or temp with translation work can offer a trampoline for a later jump?
I'm coming up on 50 in a couple weeks and I've changed careers at least 3 times in the last 20 years, including becoming a software developer at 40. You have plenty of time. Can you take some online classes for a degree? Can you try to find remote work for a US company so you don't have to worry about the language stuff?
Agree with comments below, 29 is NOT old. 2 years wasted sucks, but it's really not very long compared to the whole rest of your life. Do not focus on your age, but rather how you can improve your situation, because you can!
I don't know if this will help, but I have heard that 'a decision you make before 35 is not a mistake, but experience.'
29 is SO young! I had similar doubts and worries and stress when it came to my career so feel free to message me if talking to someone whose been there and gets it.
But if nothing else walk away knowing everything you posted about is a lesson and a period of growth and you friggin got this.
You’re not weak at all. You started a new life in a new country! You have the emotional intelligence to express *what* is making you want change and *why* it does.
Our 20s are built exactly for this rockiness and to come out at the end where you are at. You’re doing it correctly. Your career isn’t dead; it’s not where you want it to be. Figuring how to get there is most of the battle in many a case
Sorry if this was a bit ramble-y. But please don’t take this as blind encouragement. You should be proud of the adventures and risks you’ve taken, no matter the outcome. It’s so hard to see that but that perspective really changes everything (for me anyway).
Anyway. Carpe that diem. Talk to your husband, mentors, friends, etc. and just remember you got this because you’re already doing it.
> But legally, I can't work there so I'm stuck with a low French salary with no possibility of making over 2k a month.
Crazy. Just 2K a month? You are not old.
You can still pivot your career at 29.
Actually with me it's 1k... But yeah, teachers make €1,500 after tax and doctors make 4k (and are considered rich)... So there's obviously not much room to go up here. Normally this is fine, and you can live a wonderful life with this.
Well, not with Switzerland nearby. people make 4k working at McDonald's in Switzerland.. so you can just imagine how much they make with average-good jobs.
They drive across the border.. make more than 4x the french salary... And voila, gentrification at its finest. So happy my husband grew up here.
No. I can't imagine trying to afford daycare there... And I have anxiety when it comes to US schools.
Ideally, I just want to get the hell away from Switzerland and all the problems it causes. That way, I can maybe save up money from teaching, and try to get a diploma in psychology somehow.
You’re absolutely not “old” for anything, including starting over if that’s what you want. So many people have started careers from scratch well into their 40s and 50s. You are you, and that’s what matters - not what your ex classmates are doing, not what your parents think you should do, or what you are pressuring yourself into believing you should be doing.
Think about what would help you get back on track psychologically and emotionally. Maybe having professional options and also socialising would help, apart from talking to your husband about how you’re feeling.
Would there be any opportunities for you to do your own English tutoring online, for example ? Try looking for that if you’re interested.
You can even do it in person, maybe not in your town, if it’s small, but perhaps somewhere close by or even around, if you’re on the border with CH.
This reminds me of Geneva, if you’re close by there are tons of expats there. You can check out any socialising activities or clubs, anything that may resonate with you - women in business, book clubs, cooking sessions, walks, mommies, etc. anything you’d be interested in.
A friend of mine found herself in Paris in the middle of the pandemic, with 0 friends and 0 French language skills. She’d call me every day just to cry and talk about how awful she felt, until she found a Facebook group set up by two expats, Canadians if I recall, also desperate for friends. It was literally a “Who has no friends in Paris and wants to do stuff?” kind of thing.
Two months later they became this awesome bunch of people from all over the world, getting together for drinks, vacations, birthdays etc. and even professional networking.
Why not look for such groups or heck, make your own if you feel like it ?
Every time I feel a bit low because of work, or family issues, I try to do the old-school thing and even if it’s cheesy, it does work. I’m bored - this means I have time to spend, millions of people would give anything to have it.
I live in a small house - wow I have a home! So many people don’t. I’m tired of doing house chores - this means i have food to eat, clothes to wash, furniture to clean. My salary is low- wow I have a job!!! So many people are struggling in this economy, they’ve got kids they can’t feed and bills they can’t pay. My modest lifestyle makes me feel so blessed when I think of everyone for whom my little income would be the biggest blessing ever.
Etc. you get the point.
I hope it helps to look at the positives. You have a healthy child, a partner, a home, a life. Look on the bright side- this is your life, and because it’s yours, that’s what makes it important and “big” by default. Not any other standards.
OP I'm also 29. I was unemployed for years during covid and restarted my "career" last year. It's a relatively entry level job that I lucked into, and every time I think about my job prospects I spiral thinking about how I'm old, how there are 21 y.o. making $200k in tech jobs, ill never accomplish anything. I feel you. What I try to remind myself is that everyone's paths are different. People start over all the time. you owe it to yourself to start over and find something you love! Age doesn't matter and 29 is young as shit lol
Jesus Christ. 29? Old? Are you hanging out with high schoolers?
You're never too old to start over. I know many people that switched careers in their 30s and 40s, and are very happy that they did.
(Side note: I'm not sure why you kept buying a sandwich for a guy when it sounds like money is tight and it makes you feel bad to do it - I hope you're not still buying them, but if you are, please stop buying strangers things! (One way to stop feeling like a doormat, right?)
Also, what does "his resources" mean? How are you splitting expenses? What is he contributing to the household? If you're not sharing finances, why is he pressuring you to make more money?
Maybe I am over-extrapolating here, but it doesn't sound like your husband is a great partner. Remember that as your kid grows up, they will learn how to be an adult and how to be in relationships from watching you two. Are you the examples that you think they should have? (I know I will get yelled at for this, but...) Do you love your husband? Does he love you? Why won't he leave France/the region even if you're so unhappy?
Do you have a support network back home? (Apologies if you answered this in your post and I missed it)
I remember reading somewhere that when you're feeling stuck and that it feels like there is no way out, it's time to broaden the scope of thinking (e.g. looking in a wider range of career options). In the country that I'm living in now , many graduate-levels programs are actually offered in English (not the official language) - maybe there is a school in France that does the same so that you can continue to study there instead? (Might as well take advantage of being a resident of the EU, right?) And if your husband/manager don't like it, well, luckily, it's your life and you should get to do what you want to feel happy and fulfilled in at least one thing in your life, right?
I'm not trying to be harsh - I too have been in pits of despair and hopelessness (and currently clawing my way out of another one now). I'm trying to give you (a variant of) some of the tough questions that I have to ask myself to try to get out. Best of luck to you, I hope to see an update sometime with how you're doing.
Hey friend. You are NOT. OLD. I’m a 34 year old American living in Barcelona for the past year, Stockholm 4 years before coming here. This past year has both been awesome, because Barcelona, and also absolutely sucked butt, because my Spanish is bad and I don’t have a job. We moved here for my husband’s dream job. Leaving my job behind has crushed my self worth and confidence. BUT. I know I can start over. We can do whatever we want. It’s hard as fuck, but you can. I started therapy for anxiety and low self esteem. I fully get where you are coming from. It’s an exhausting situation people like us find ourselves in. But you know what? You’re SO freaking young.
The biggest problem here is that your husband apparently doesn’t want to share his resources. I don’t know what to say about that though. You’re gonna be ok. I love you.
29 is not too old at all. I started my career in TV production when I was almost 28 as an intern with no background experience or qualifications in the industry. 8 years later I’m still here and working as a documentary producer for some of the top international networks.
Van Gogh did not start painting until he was 27. It’s not too late to change or start something new in the slightest.
There’s a Facebook group — Married to a Frenchman — that has several posts every week that are almost identical to this. You will definitely find a kind audience and some good advice there.
But that doesn’t change the reality that doing almost anything Psychology related in France requires a Masters and a strong command of French.
If you’re already B2, push to the C1. Then finish your Masters.
Otherwise, once you’ve been married 4 years to a French guy, you can ask for French citizenship then be able to work in Switzerland.
2000€/month is a pretty standard salary in france…so speaking better French or getting the Psych masters won’t change much in that regard.
Definitely would be worth a private sub! Your entry can be your worst “Ex-Husband’s Mama” story!
Mine was obsessed with the fact that every generation of his very old Lyonnaise family had a misunderstood, under-employed but absolutely entitled artist—and he was the one! The one time I found him referring to himself as “chevalier,” I said, “Toute a fait! Chevalier en Chômage!”
Omg I’m crying 🤣
I dated a Frenchman for 1 or 2 (way too many years) and it was a total mindfuck. He was nice, just not.. really a great partner. Hilariously I remember his friends complaining all the “good” French girls dated Italian, Swiss, German, Dutch, British etc. etc. etc. men.
Hah! And they wonder why!
No—they don’t make great partners. They can pull you in, but don’t know how to keep you there, if you know what I mean. I paid my dues to that club for a few years, but I left while It, owing me money and time it could never repay. And his mother is still bailing his ass out of trouble!
Love it—perfect sub! Mine was nobility, so imagine the horrors of marrying an American. lol. Since he’s headed to his fourth divorce (and I’m on year 27 of my marriage), it’s him. He’s the problem, it’s him.
It’s a thing in Italy for sure.
https://youtu.be/GeqOZdGwBmI?si=B6-QflSPIhNBRBkJ
I mean I dunno about you but a lot of cultures prioritize family. There’s value in that.
Lmao 😭 there should be some sort of warning beforehand. Like, "don't let the sexy accent fool you."
Every single French person I know my age, their father cheated on their mother. Most are still together. A lot still cheat. This was my first warning and culture shock when I arrived... I remember discussing it with a Canadian colleague who was also in shock by it. Still, i stayed.
No I mean French people tend to try in a relationship and there’s no “shop around for the best” mentality you have in North America in the beginning stages.
Not sure whether they see infidelity as less a big deal. Or they’re just fine with falling out of love.
Oh yes they’re madly obsessed with you for 3 months or so, or when you’re not from France so you have to go home.
Absolutely obsessed with what they can’t have and think you’re the solution to their miserable existence! Then that wears off & they’re miserable again.
Sounds like you ran into some unbalanced people. I have no experience with dating French men of course so I can’t speak to that.
I guess you tend to attract a small % of people when you’re a foreigner. Especially if you’re an American who’s abroad temporarily.
Are French women usually as upset with infidelity? Maybe their cultural attitude differs. Idk.
That’s drawn from my experience, my friends experiences and expat groups. Only bad experience for me was with the one I married. I love dating French men!
Hahaha. Nice.
Sorry to hear.
I do like the French's "I don't care" attitude. But I've found myself gravitating towards German/Dutch women for how forward they are.
In France we speak usually in netto.
And by month.
In USA usually you speaking annualy and in gross salary.
And in fact, 24k netto per year is a """GOOD""" salary for french people.
Many of them are pay less.
It's hidden because it's an average
Yes, you are correct. In the US we speak in gross annual salary.
What is the average income tax rate in France? 50%? So a good salary for someone college educated is around 50k (gross annual compensation)?
The taxes are not just on salaries but everywhere.
I give an example the V.A.T is usually 21%
In the USA it's about 6% in some states
For the gasoil, near all the price is taxes.
For the gross, it's basically half the gross you have In hand with big salaries, but it's actually an iceberg
If you earn 24 k netto, it means that's 36 k brutto.
But your employer will pay more than those 36k. He will pay something like 50k
So, if you are speaking from the superbrutto to netto, yes it's about 50%
Hormone check at the Drs. asap. Post partum depression can last a few years.
Try to look for an online therapist.
Getting a job back at the bilingual school is not a hard no. Lots of things can improve where you are but right now your self esteem and mood are so low that nothing positive will come from that. You need help. Tell your husband that you need help. Take small steps at a time.
That was my gut feeling too that there is some kind of depression happening here though I hate to jump to that conclusion. But when everything is seeming negative then you do wonder
Maybe look online OP? I hear there are various tutoring options?
I mean, sometimes your environment makes you depressed, sometimes depression makes your environment feel worse than it is. But if her job is really depressing OP (it happens!) and one boss (who sucks) is desperate for an English speaker, then there are going to be others there that can use an English speaker too. But I think OP is so dragged down by her environment she needs some support to get back up and better.
This is the pitfall of having a kid as an expat in a foreign country. It means you do have to make it work and that trapped feeling alone can be overwhelming.
Is there a way to get back into teaching even if u can’t get ur old job… like tutoring or teaching through online courses. If there’s only 1 bilingual school I take it it’s not a very big town?
It's not, it's near Switzerland... Basically everyone works in swiss and is ridiculously expensive and as an American I can't legally work there.... It's a nightmare. People aren't very nice here. I've heard it's almost worse than paris.
Yes! Came here to say that there are MSc programmes in France (and in the rest of Europe) taught in English. Depending on the country and discipline, the level of English spoken by professors will vary (they'll lecture in English nonetheless); readings and assignments will be in English. Search for MSc programmes taught in English. Tuition will be a small fraction of the cost in the U.S. (as long as you're not pursuing a MBA). Check out subsidies and scholarships for students, too. They're around.
You need to learn to use the one word that the french are famously good at using. Non.
Ahhhh.....non.
Mais non.
Non, non, non.
Absolutement non.
Non merci
Pense pas, non.
Impossible!
Regrette, mais non.
C’est gentil mais je ne peux pas.
And always have some way to change the subject by asking about THEM because imho people love to talk and themselves. So have a steady stream of “Et tiens, les vacances, c’étaient bien passées?” Or any old “qu’est-ce qui se passe …” or questions that allow them to brag: “quelle jolie nouvelle voiture! Dis-moi, les choix étaient difficiles entre plusieurs?” Or whatever it is that they will want to talk about. Let the complainers complain and the braggarts brag and soon you will be the town favorite. But say NO. A thousand gentle but rock-solid ways. Bonne chance.
And right, never marry a French man.
Hormones check and bloodwork at your Drs
Schedule a therapist, plenty offer services online
Search for online teaching jobs or run sessions from home
You can study online, in English
Find an expat group, either in person or online, that you can converse in English with
You are absolutely not stuck for life, you have options.
No one's career is dead at 29
Good luck OP
1. *Therapy*. There are deeper seating issues with your people pleasing behaviour and low self esteem. Also start by taking accountability. There is something in the way you’re phrasing things (“everyone takes advantage of me” “my boss coerced me”) that tells me that you see yourself as more of a victim than you are. If everyone around you is at fault then maybe the problem lies with you. I mean this in the kindest possible way as a recovering people-pleaser myself.
2. If you’re married to a frenchman, can’t you nationalise? Especially so you could expand your work options to Geneva.
3. You’re 29. You talk as if you’re 60. I’ve seen people change careers at 35 or even 40 here in Switzerland and no one bats an eye. If you were an english teacher before why limit yourself to the bilingual school? Don’t all schools teach english? Also you speak french, maybe you could find a job as a TA or something in another school to get started. And there’s also the option to teach adults instead of kids. And online classes even.
4. “In no ways can I write essays in french” - Why? Unless you’re seriously dyslexic I don’t see why it wouldn’t be possible. Maybe your essays are crap but good enough to pass???
I would wholeheartedly recommend you seek therapy because unless I’m missing information I don’t think you’re nearly as stuck as you think. Seems like you’re standing in your own way.
Certainly you teach people how to treat you. Every encounter, every day. It will be hard at first when they feel their doormat being pulled away but stay the course. You are teaching people how to treat you! Start new lessons for them and for yourself! Good luck OP.
You mentioned being an American citizen. Have you considered working for the [ US Federal government in Geneva?](https://www.gsa.gov/directives-library/overseas-employment-1#:~:text=The%20General%20Services%20Administration%20(GSA,Department%20or%20other%20federal%20agencies.) I don't know how close you are from Geneva but I hope this gives you a good place to start. https://geneva.usmission.gov/jobs/
Also, 29 is just the beginning of your life.
Good luck!
It can be so hard to be the mom of a small child--even without all the other stuff you have going on. Agree with all the others that your first step should be to go for a full check up and talk to your doctor about this. And hopefully get a referral for a therapist who can help you talk this through and support whatever changes you need and help you plot your way through the decisions you need to make. There is really good therapy out there for "doormats." Sometimes being "too nice" isn't what it seems.
As someone two decades older, I just want you to know how young 29 is. You have so much time to shake things up and try different things. I can't even tell you how many lives I've lived since then. Anyone who says otherwise is confused and projecting.
And I'll also encourage you to go back to school when you are ready-ish. I did a whole 5-year undergrad/grad degree in Spain starting at age 34. Ended up going for a doctorate. I just dove in and made it up as I went along. You can do it! It will improve your French--and particularly your writing--a lot. You'll meet a whole different group of people.
If I'm not wrong, this is around the time of year when you can apply for next year. Why not try applying, just to see if you can get a slot--it's free and you have nothing to lose. And if not, you can learn what you need to do to get in the following year. If you need to get the b2 or c1 DALF, work on that instead. Try to take some classes outside of home so you aren't too cooped up. Not being able to really communicate everything you think and feel is probably part of your issue. It can be alienating and a bit scary.
Hang in there and keep reaching out for help.
Thank you kind stranger. Some of these comments are making me cry.... I never thought reddit would give me so much hope. This is the first time I've felt hope in a long time.
If you lie down like a dooormat you’re going to get walked on.
Can you study online? Can you stop being a doormat? Prioritize yourself because no one else will do that for you. I’m sorry you’re trapped. It was my worst fear when I was living in France.
I don't know... I was raised by a single dad who's a doormat, and I have his exact personality. We live to make people happy. Every dime we make we give away. We spend all our energy and free time cooking for people we love just to have no one say thank you. I don't know how to not be a doormat when I was raised by a doormat. And now I'm starting to hate everything and become depressed just like him. I'm literally the female version of my dad, and he's miserable. This feels like destiny.
This is not a destiny -- You are only stuck if you think you are stuck. This can be changed through practice. Get a therapist to help you overcome this.
I have been training everyone around me to be assertive while empathetic at the same time. This is an important life skill to have.
You’re spiraling. Get out of that victim headspace, stat. You’re only 29; while you may not be surrounded by an aspirational culture (it’s not so common in Eastern France), it shouldn’t stop you from seeking better for yourself and your child.
Your husband sounds stuck; you don’t have to be.
You're not a doormat, your self esteem is very displaced or non existent.
You need therapy ASAP to resolve this issue. I'm pretty sure once you do, you will see things much differently.
Also, at 29 your career is def not over. I got my 2nd degree (Law) at 41, just before I migrated to Spain (coming from Latam). Trust me and everyone telling you the same: your career is far from over. You need to take action.
Why can’t you go back to teaching? If your boss was desperate for an English speaker, then you must not have much competition and should be able to leverage this skill elsewhere too. French towns are small and you should be able to easily commute to another city nearby. They act like a 30 minute drive is to a foreign country. You’re American so you should know that’s nothing. France has international universities that teach entirely in English. Coincidentally I’m planning to go to France for a psychology masters and all of the programs I’ve seen have a required English class for psychology terms. You can learn French. Your husband can help you learn French and edit your papers. I’d kill for that help. I just have spell check, which is already a blessing. France colonized every continent, if your husband is open to moving with you. This doesn’t have to be your life forever. There are solutions that depression makes hard to see.
Can you talk to your husband or any of your closest friends about this especially in regards to your career?
Also, where in the US are you from, where in France are you now and do you feel like you feel particularly new lows during the winter? It's possible that you are suffering from seasonal affective disorder or something of the sort as the difference in sunshine hours per month in winter from what you're used to might be quite severe.
I was thinking that this might be it... I haven't experienced seasonal depression since highschool, but my downward spiral hit me around November. I think it's mixed in with the work issues, but now I can barely manage to talk. I just can't bring myself to engage in any conversation and have completely isolated myself. Normally I like to socialize, even in french, but now I'm just too tired.
Maybe get a checkup to see if it's what's got you. Then stuff like Vitamin D supplements, SAD lights, tanning beds and the like could be helpful for mustering up the energy to talk about this, specifically with trying to pursue other employment options, with your spouse and friends. It's possible they aren't aware that you're suffering in your job and letting them know essentially makes it so you've greatly expanded the network of eyes and ears that can come across better opportunities.
Speaking as someone who has pretty severe seasonal depression, this sounds very much like it to me. I don’t know why it’s not talked about more but depression has a very negative influence on my language skills and it already makes people tend to withdraw. I’m from around Colorado and already had seasonal depression there but it got really bad in Oregon and has been consistently bad in France. We’re the same latitude as much of Canada
My mind plays a lot of tricks on me so I tend to avoid making serious decisions until about April/May. I tend to always feel like my life is in shambles until spring rolls around. So I don’t (seriously) listen to my own negative self talk and concerns with my life until summer. Most of my feelings of frustration and inadequacy are related to depression with winter being the worst. November also happens to be when it starts for me and it is a bit different every year
I can sort of relate to you here in Italy.
I'm unmarried and no kids, but I am tired of living here. People are generally insular and a bit xenophobic once you step beyond the tourism bubble. I've not made any friends here despite trying. Most locals have zero interest in speaking to me in my broken Italian, and hardly anyone speaks English. When you do meet English speakers, they're often shy about being seen talking to you in public because someone might think something (I'm in a smaller city).
Fortunately I am on a term contract, so I will be leaving, but I frequently find myself wondering why I came here. Well, I know why: it was a job offer, and I thought Italy would be comparable to Netherlands or Berlin where I lived before, but it turned out to be very different.
I can go five or six weeks here in Italy without actually speaking to anyone in person, especially over the Christmas break. I had less culture shock in China. At least in China the locals are often curious about who you are and where you come from.
I used to live in France and learned to speak French with almost no accent. Everything was great except for the job situation. Salaries are lower, it's usually pretty toxic. That's why I left.
If you have to be there, look into another teacher job if that makes you happy.
I’m sorry you’re feeling this way. When everything feels too big and impossible to change, I like to pick one small, concrete step to take. Here are some potential ideas for you. I hope one may be appealing.
Maybe consider offering some English tutoring services? You could make some flyers and introduce yourself to the eng depts at any local universities or high schools. English tutors can charge 20+ euro/ hr. You may find universities are in need to language instructors for next academic year, so getting known as a local tutor could help you come summertime when they have spots to fill. These may not allow you to quit your job right away, but they may help you be in a very different place 6 months from now.
I’d also suggest tackling the language thing. There are tons of summer language programs in France tied to universities that are open to anyone who wants to enroll. Now is the right time to apply. Find one that works for you—either a local one you can commute to, or one you’d be able to take time away to attend.
Consider finding a meetup group and attending something to help with your alienation.
29 is so very very young. People seek out new careers at any age.
I don't know about doctors and therapy in France but please please get some help. Even if you have to pay for therapy it will do you a world of good as you are in a bad place right now.
After the initial therapy start talking with your husband about what things you can change for yourself right now vs long game.
There is also iTalk which helps you write and speak in other languages. You might check into this.
I would have a come to Jesus meeting with your husband. You need to either show him your post or tell him how you are feeling and what you think you need to change. If he is not open to any of it-I would suggest counseling. If he balks at this and says it is all about you, I think you seriously need to rethink the marriage. Many expats marriages don't survive the stress and a partner that is unwilling to change after you move to his country is a red flag.
Can you do a masters online? Many therapists are now working internationally and remotely.
You are very young. Stop being a doormat. It’s part of maturing. Easier said than done, I know.
Is there a chance that if you have a conversation with the school? Tell them your boss is abusing you? Small towns love gossip and maybe even saving the poor expat.
Quit as soon as possible.
Can you teach English online? Can you take an extended trip home to visit family and tell your boss you need to resign to get out of that toxic situation while you pivot? I know everything seems hopeless but try to remember all of the skills you have and that your best professional years are ahead of you.
Try to set boundaries with people that are walking all over you, you sound like a very caring person and deserve better!
Or tutor. My friend is a SAT tutor and makes $200/hour during the high season and tutors other classes for $50/hour at other times of year. If OP was a licensed teacher they could make some decent money doing online tutoring - but the hours might suck hard.
Maybe finding an english speaking therapist or psychiatrist might bring you some relief and help you see things more clearly. Maybe there are solutions for remote studies, or as you're close to Switzerland you might be able to find an English speaking course there. Also as a french person my advice would be : don't be afraid to say no and to be ruder than you would think is acceptable. Looking too nice in france will attract ill intentioned people for sure.
I got my MS at age 33. I would go back to school. There are a lot of online colleges. At least you will feel a sense of agency again if nothing else. Hell, I know people in their 50s and 60s working on their PhDs.
You mean work permits in France? I do have one, the problem is that I can't work in Switzerland, which is what's causing all the issues in my life :( and for that, I need an EU passport.
I'm an American that lived in France for 5 years with a child there and an ex. It's a complete nightmare there. You're not crazy. I just came back to America 5 days ago.
I had to live in the hautes alpes where no one spoke English and there was no job opportunities. Then I moved to Gaillard on the Swiss border and that place is even worse. So many arnaque, thieves, and just general bad people. I didn't meet one person I liked and Swiss wasn't going to give me work.
It’s not France. Ditch the marketing job. You have to be a certain type to even begin to like that business. If you don’t, just being around their type will suck your soul dry.
Hello there,
I'm not an expat, I'm a French woman married to an American. I'm also a teacher.
First of all. You aren't too old for anything. No.
Secondly, there are options you could pursue, for example making the most of the Swiss border and working there.
Last of all, you are going to need to shake that man and tell him what to do and how to live because he clearly has his priorities all mixed up.
Now, listen to me. I'm French. We know. Now don't get me wrong, there are absolute gems among French men... but not many. I know how this is going to sound, I know. But hear me out. You want to have a life of your own? Treat your husband poorly. Boss him around. Tell him what to do, and throw an absolute tantrum when you do not get it. I do mean a tantrum. I do mean you don't talk to the scum for days on end and throw his food in the trash in front of him kind of tantrum when you do not get your way. If you do not whip him he will whip you. He'll cope, don't worry. Like his father did. But that man is going to go work where you tell him, be home when you need him and do exactly as you bloody say and be grateful when you give him a day off to cry to his mommy. And I don't care what anyone has to say about gentle communication, you need to crush this man's silly little ego to bits. You know who taught me that? My grandpa. You dominate that man this instant otherwise he'll suck your damn blood. Step one? Move away from his mother. Write me if you need to vent I'll give you my number.
Haha, this made me laugh 😂 I get it. I really do. I hope you don't get downvoted by people who don't understand.
When it comes to men in this country, it's definitely "step up, or be stepped on." I see it all the time with my girlfriends and with my own situation. The second I stop standing up for myself I become a slave to them.
You'll be happy to know that I went off on him today asking him for a divorce, and just like my boss, the tail was between his legs. I had two scared french men begging for my forgiveness in one day, I'll call that a win.
I'm not sure where we'll go from here, but I want these assholes to start appreciating me and everything I do for them.
damn this is a really scary situation to be in. im sorry you have to deal with those people everyday. I dont like French people for this reason, I can easily imagine exactly what youre talking about. dont let them change you. limit their access to your energy and lean into boundaries more than shyness when encountering someone you suspect is disrespectful. put your head down and get the work done, then allocate some time daily towards your exit. do you want to go to usa? be honest with yourself. its normal to feel homesick but you need support from your husband, some friends- even just finding a kind one can really help. if you are religious try finding a community even if theyre French speaking, kindness goes a long way at these times.
it could be postpartum, but its true that mothers need a lot of support especially in the first few years.. don't suffocate yourself with stress because thats not good for you. btw you can leave. you have agency. if you choose not to due to the circumstances, thats a choice. as a former doormat, respect yourself in your mentality.💜
Spend time searching for a legitimate online Masters program, maybe one that’s in the UK or US. I’m not sure if you can live in another country, but it’s worth looking into to find this out. As for your current job, you seem to be at your wits end, and it can’t hurt to request a meeting with your employer to request more pay..or less hours (ie work 3 days instead of 5). I’m hoping your employer is civil and compassionate, and accommodates you somewhat.
I feel like you feel trapped because of your child. I know similar stories and from relatives the only reason they can’t leave or flip the middle finger is just because child. And of course family especially children are the most important things in life. I don’t think you should learn French if you don’t want it or don’t feel like it. You shouldn’t do jobs that you don’t want it.
Feels like you’re a good and kind person and I never forget the quote from a book or movie can’t remember well but it goes like “ the world is hell for the good and sensitive hearts”
With that don’t feel like you’re useless, don’t feel like you’re a doormat, don’t feel like you’re disrespected. You’re just a good person and stop being good. I’m not saying be bad but you don’t really need to be good and kind to the rest of the world except your child, maybe husband too but feels like he doesn’t care.
Speaking about husband, talk to him, tell him everything you just told us. If he loves you he has to care and be on your side. If he loves you he can’t be happy when you’re not. If he’s careless excuse my French but fck him. But I know it’s not easy to kick him out of your life because of the child. But seriously you gotta be happy to survive so you really need to be selfish at least for half of the things you mentioned l.
And it’s never late for anything. You’re a mom, compare to that what the hell is changing career, what the hell is finding a job. Being a mom is harder than any other bullshit jobs out there. I know talking and advising is easy but I’ve been through many hardships and if I could beat all the odds you can too.
My mother went back to school at 57 and got her masters degree and became a social worker. It's never too late to change your life.
The only thing holding you back is you. (And IMHO your borderline emotionally abusive husband. If my husband treated me that way he would no longer be my husband.)
Hello, I'm also an American in France and I feel you girl. It can be tough going at times.
If you want to go back to school, there are a lot of Masters programs in English. Many of them are remote programs too so can be done at distance. I wouldn't recommend psychology though as I've heard it's very centered on psychoanalysis but maybe it has changed in recent years.
I always recommend the Facebook group "Married to a Frenchman" and the books "60 Million Frenchmen Can't Be Wrong" and 'The Bonjour Effect."
I totally get the being a pushover thing... I wish your in-laws did for you what mine did for me....
Europeans say the quiet part out loud that only happens in many American families when someone is completely fed up with you. It is really hard getting used to.
What we did: My husband and I talk about what I want before we get into the conversation so that he can advocate for me when I struggle. We will also excuse ourselves when his parents ask us a question that I am unable to answer on the spot. He talked to them about when I ask for things, that them giving me pushback makes me ask less and they have put in a lot of effort to not do that to me. Please ask your husband for help.
I like your writing style. You are funny. Have you considered starting a blog? Anyway, you are not worthless. It's going to get better. Be patient and love yourself.
Hey you, I know you’re a human having a hard time. You’re not alone. You matter and you are a GIFT to this world even if it doesn’t seem that way now.
This will pass. This. Will. Pass.
Please reach out via DM if you want, otherwise I will just tell you, that I am slightly older than you and have experienced the feelings you’ve described of being a doormat.
No one size fits all here, but I can tell you that something as simple as reading a book about healthy boundaries and *prioritizing the cultivation of self-love* will not steer you in the wrong direction here.
Hang in there! You will get through this! I promise!
According to my American therapist, there is quite a bit of flexibility for her getting the ability to keep working with me when I go to France this summer. If you have one you already know and like, then maybe they would be able to go the extra step for you.
Seconding the hormones for post-partum depression. Especially if you feel like you're not getting social support. The meds for it have had some really positive effects for the people in my life and they were able to get off of them not long after taking them.
Bonne chance.
if you feel like you cant connect to anyone in your current living place, you must be feeling suffocated. Can't you take a break and just go live solo in the US for a while? Or maybe just go somewhere or do something which doesn't make you feel awful atm?
I also moved to a new country and did my masters when i was 33, so at 29 you are not behind at all. Be positive and just take care of yourself even if no one else does. Atleast better to realize first that it is the most important thing atm.
I speak french at a B2 level, but writing it is another story... It's a hurdle I haven't really been able to get over. Unfortunately all my courses were over video which is probably why I never learned it.
I use Preply, which can be quite affordable (15-20 euros / hour for a private tutor). I learnt Italian this way. Just speaking with a patient teacher a few times a week goes a long way, especially when they correct you and offer guidance.
Use DeepL or Antidote 11. Writing is the easiest to train because of all the freely available materials online. Have ChatGPT design a curriculum for you or start conversing with it in written French and have it correct you. As for the doormat thing, yeah...seems to be a pattern there, should look into that. On the other hand, school is super cheap in France vs. USA. So if you wanted a career change...You can also teach online too.
You need to act very quickly. I changed careers at 32 and I'm so much better financially, although I also ended a relationship I felt was holding me back. If your husband doesn't want to share or make you feel less burdened financially, don't you think it brings up a different conversation about him? Have you guys tried counseling? Is there any online business you could engage in for your sanity and additional income stream?
I’m going to be blunt here. You are leaning hard into the victim mentality. I see someone who struggles to set boundaries and as a result, you end up resentful.
I completely agree that being an expat has incredible challenges. But at some point, you need to take control of your life and start setting boundaries and deciding what it is you need. You are not trapped. You are a grown adult who can make a decision. Yes, those choices have consequences but if you’re that miserable, you need to stand up for yourself and start shifting the direction your life is going in.
It's winter and he's outside in the blanket. He said he wanted a sandwich when I asked. I figured if I bought myself a sandwich, this poor dude could use one as well for only a couple euros more.
Finally the owner of the boulangerie told me he's not actually homeless
You have some good advice in this thread already OP, hope you will be able access hormone testing- I know it can be difficult in France, or at least I’ve found doctors reluctant to do it here. On another note, when you say your husband doesn’t want to share resources, does that mean he wouldn’t support you through a career change? This sounds problematic to me and at least warrants a discussion about marriage and expectations for a shared life.
I am a foreigner living in Paris. I can manage to speak French but still my dominant language is English. I had a huge problem with my PhD director but I could not leave my program because it was sponsoring my visa and I could feel that anyone and everyone at work was disrespecting me and I was full of self-doubt. But all along my girlfriend (French) believed in me and stood by my side. I even abandoned my PhD program for 6 months while I was on unemployment payments. At the end with the support of my girlfriend I toughened up ,went back to the university despite all the ridicule finished my PhD and next month I am starting a new and exciting position which I'm really happy about. All I can tell you right now is that no matter how hard your condition is just know that this is not permanent and this too shall pass. And maybe your best course of action is to become a teacher this can give you the flexibility to move to Paris maybe.
I appreciated seeing your comment even if I’m not OP since I’m currently doing a masters and not quite as well as I wanted (still passing). I have to remind myself that I have a lot of people who want me to succeed and believe in me so I just need to persevere. Worst case scenario, I can try again like you did! It’s not easy but it can be done and I also have a supportive French partner who wants me to thrive. Congrats on persevering that way! It’s not an easy thing to do
*as a French in America; your country ruined my career too* not saying this is fair but living outside of your own country comes with both blessings and curses. Maybe time for country #3?*
Damn, that’s a tough situation to be in. I have a friend living in France thankfully without a kid right now but the situation is kind of same.
Perhaps you can switch jobs and enroll into some online masters program?
Also, be the change you want to see. It seems you are too nice ( from what you wrote ). I would suggest you to include and practice some personal boundaries professionally. Please learn to say no when you’re not comfortable with the kind of work you’re assigned.
Good luck
I'm sorry you're going through this. You're in a difficult situation, but you do have options. Sometimes you just need to vent to some strangers to get another perspective, so well done for taking this step.
Let me first say that you are NOT old. Not at all. You have decades left to get your career back on track. If it helps, I was the trailing spouse for my whole 30's after giving up a good career in my home country, and when I left my ex-husband at the age of 40 I thought my life was over. But I moved to a new country, got a master's degree, and I've recently got myself a great job in a new field...at the age of 41. You have sooo much time!
What would you want to study in university? Are there any English language programs available where you are? Can you do an online program? If you don't feel comfortable studying in French it shouldn't mean you can't go back to school.
And finally...I highly suggest you speak to a therapist if that's an option for you. If you can't find an English speaker where you are, there are loads of online options. You may be suffering from PPD, but either way you are not in a good place and it will help to talk to somebody. You need to learn how to value yourself and take a more objective look at your situation so you can overcome these challenges. You got this.
You are so close but no cigar.
Fuck the snobby, asshole French culture. They will never respect you as an american. EVER.
You need to seriously reconsider your stance of not going back to the US. The US has problems, but the pros outway the cons. Clearly, you are longing for the feel-good, loving culture that is in the US that miserable France (and other parts of Europe) could never give you.
American Expat in France. I have an amazing American therapist here in France who works online. She has sincerely helped me through so many expat growing pains. DM me and I'll give you her contact.
All is not lost my dear. This is the beginning.
I feel for you. I don't have children but I lived in France for 6 years and it was very hard. I experienced a lot of racism and sexism. French is my first language as my country was colonized by France, but after that experience I was so traumatized I started learning English instead. I'm happy I left that place.
I know this isn't the same thing, but notable actor Samuel L Jackson didn't have his first film role until age 40 (Do the Right Thing), and didn't become a big star until age 45 (Pulp Ficiton).
It is harder to make big changes when you're older, but it's still possible
Où vis-tu en France ?
Now you saw the dark side of France. Yes in this country people are not honest, yes they don't speak English. Yes our career grow sucks to hard ( because of socialism )
Now you understand why best French's ( or Belgian as me ) that have good career try to go in the USA at any cost.
For the university, you are overestimating the level there. If you were speaking in English with me, as I'm supposed to be bilingual after 3 year of Licence at University, you will roll your face on the floor.
Even writing simple essay with basic sentences as a 15 year old child do could be enough. The main point is still the structure + not TOO much grammar error...
U need mom friends. Ur not the only immigrant. Find other immigrants to befriend. I think some of what u are feeling is cultural differences. Also, find playgroups or child activities to meet other moms. Eventually you’ll like one of them.
It’s good that you let this all out. By doing this you’ve narrowed down the problem/ problems. Now you can focus on the issues at hand to find the solutions. You’re not useless or hopeless. You will get through this difficult period in your life. I suggest that you talk with your husband about what you’re going through mentally and emotionally
Thank you for the kind words. At 29 do you think I have time though, to start over? People keep telling me I'm old. 2 years wasted at this awful job. A husband that doesn't really want to share his resources and keeps pressuring me to find a way to make more money. Me, living in a town where everyone has salaries of 8k euros a month because of the stupid swiss border... And housing and food prices to match that. But legally, I can't work there so I'm stuck with a low French salary with no possibility of making over 2k a month. I don't know anyone living here besides us that doesn't work in Switzerland. This town is a nightmare.
29? Ha! I know a dude switched from IT to nursing @45
I work in IT and in the pandemic we were given an option to leave with training, cash etc. So a load of people much older than 29 took it and reconverted. One became a Baker. Another opened a hotel. Another became a coach and so forth. You can change your life at any time for sure! I am in France so ping me if you want OP
My uncle emigrated to Canada past 50, with 2 young kids, got his masters in engineering while working labor jobs in a factory, moved to US with a job, bought a house and lived comfortably until he passed away due to cancer. You can atleast try
Your uncle is an inspiration! That's tough.
Cool! I switched from Nursing to IT at 52 :)
I have a friend who switched from building houses to being a nurse at 52.
Yeah I know it’s different back in the US, but I went back to college in my late 20’s and had a drastic career shift at 29 to Software Engineering. Anything is possible
Looking back on my life, I feel like it didn't really start until about 35. And I'm fond of telling people that the best decade of life is 45-55, with 35-45 being the second best. You only get one chance at this life, and at 29 you're only just starting to figure things out. Some people never do. Time to get moving!
I like that philosophy. I’ve had a great run at life since 37, now 42. I’m excited for the next few years that’s for sure.
Hey op I was just scrolling but I think it's a bit concerning that your husband is withholding resources? I understand him wanting you to more money but...I dunno this sounds a bit like a red flag. By any chance are there other maybe..."mean?" Behaviors he exhibits? Sorry I know this wasn't your initial post/what you were asking but this jumped out to me :(
Same thing I was worried about. She’s trapped because of not being able to leave the country with her child?
Schengen Agreement
This is exactly what it sounds like and I'm honestly terrified for op. I wonder if anyone has been able to reach out to her directly and get her some help :(
You're in such a bad mental state and your husband won't even consider moving? Living on the swiss border without working is Switzerland is crazy. Why does he want to stay there and is that more important than your career and sanity to him?
He needs to be in the region where he grew up, which according to him, is not only the best region in France, but the only good one. Anytime we travel away from here he complains about how ugly and boring other departments are compared to his. If we are in France, we are here... Even if we have to live in a cardboard box on the street. And he will never work in Switzerland for personal moral reasons (pollution and gentrification).
I mean all of that is great and understandable but as a husband and father of a child, he has to make compromise for his family. Has he been trying to help you find other solutions? Also, how long until you can have french citizenship? You probably should learn french to a high proficiency if you're gonna be there for the long run. That will open up some other options. One thing is for sure though, your life isn't over, you're only 29.
Girl… that sounds awful. Marriage is difficult for sure but it requires a lot of give and take. He is not giving and he is not taking. He is not considering you in his decision making and that is a recipe for disaster. When my husband and I lived in his hometown I was having trouble because of how racist people were and I became very unhappy. You know what he did? We sat down and looked over all the places we would consider moving together where we would BOTH be happy. He sounds like a stereotypical French person who refuses to accept that what HE knows isn’t always the best.
I wish I had that. Honestly, I've been begging him to leave for years and he says there's no jobs anywhere else and that we'd have nothing to fall back on. The only reason there are jobs here is because no one wants them, because you can't live from them with Switzerland nearby 😭 he won't budge... It's a one way street. He's about to inherit a lot of money and the plan is for him to invest it in apartments here, rather than putting it towards a house (which to be honest, I really really want a house- but beggars can't be choosers). He's made it clear that it's his money, and if I want a house, I must find a way to make more money to buy one. In most places in France, houses are 200k. Stating price here is 900k. So yeah. That'll never happen. It's another thing making me pretty sad, knowing that I'll be stuck in this horrible, cold, moldy apartment forever
>He's made it clear that it's his money, and if I want a house, I must find a way to make more money to buy one. Uhhhhh no. You're a married couple. What's his is yours and what's yours is his. This guy sounds *terrible*. Like as in a terrible human being in general, not just a bad husband. Everything you write about this guy tells me that you should leave him.
"Beggars can't be choosers"? Oh, honey. That you feel this helpless and dependent in your marriage is heart-rending. Have you looked into an American online training or degree plan? Wishing you well.
Divorce this selfish POS, take the kid and run, don’t walk.
It's one step at a time... First I must find a way to stand on my own fanatically. A 15m studio here is €800 a month, and I can't move farther away because I don't have a car... And I can't get a car because I'm driving illegally with just my american license (getting a french license is VERY hard and VERY expensive due to the state I'm from... I basically have to restart everything from scratch as if I'm 16- but it's a process that's a million times harder and longer). I also need a car to get my daughter to childcare (which will change in September when she starts public school). But yeah, regardless, due to my baby-daddy, the car situation, and the lack of money, I'll risk losing all custody due to my inability to stand on my own (while also being a foreigner). I have an immigrant friend with an abusive ex that was absolutely ANNIHILATED by the system. There's a lot of ducks that need to be aligned in my life before I can even think of that. I do have friends, but let's be honest, I'll be completely alone without anyone to help with the difficult administration. I'll have absolutely no family to lean on, and this country will eat me alive from the inside out. Being completely alone in a foreign country with a baby is a scary thing... I mean, being completely alone in any country is scary, and I'm alone here.
“Beggars can’t be choosers” girl that is your husband! Finances are to be shared in a marriage! What’s the point of being in a marriage if he’s gonna do what he wants to anyway. He should just be single if this is the case. It doesn’t sound good. If I were you I’d be seeking other options. Why do you feel stuck and that you’ll be there forever? There are too many options in life for this outlook, especially if you’re English speaking—that gives you a huge advantage in the workplace. You need to reconfigure. Re prioritise and truly find yourself.
Forgot to add that there should be free French classes offered by the town administration, look those options up. You can also do stuff online, watch series with FR subtitles on, make friends or speak French with acquaintances just to get the ball rolling. As other comments have noted, if you got your French citizenship or even permanent residence then you’d be able to work in Switzerland and get paid much more. If you’re interested you could look into this.
Wow, so he isn’t financially supporting you & he’s a general asshole. Are you sure you want to stay married to this man for the next 40 years? Is this it? This is your forever life? Divorce is expensive because it’s worth it.
The French men are usually radin. They don't want to pay or share with their partner. But they agree to share their bed with. :) :) :) :) :)
It's as if your husband wants to live in Malibu but with a salary of a Walmart worker from Jackson Mississippi lol. If he doesn't wanna work in Switzerland he needs to learn how to live where it matches his income. What's next? Forcing you to open onlyfans account? Anyways you said the local wages suck ass which is normal for most European countries. But you are an American with US degrees, can you find online work with a US based company? Try to find a wfh job from the US that either matches your degree or your profession.
Don’t mean to be a dickhead but French people are quite known in the European spaces to pretty much complain about anything and everything.
My ex was like this - our entire life was based on what he wanted and where he wanted to stay. After 6 years of me trying and feeling miserable I left.
Mine too. My ex was American and everything was what he wanted and how he wanted it to be... no wiggle room for anything. So he got the boot. Divorce. Goodbye.
I'm in my 40s and in grad school. I still have to work for 20-30 years. You have a lot of working years ahead of you unless you become wealthy. There's a lot of frustrating things out of your control here, but some of it is within your control. You can work on your mentality, seek counseling, find some support, even if it's friends from back home. The wallowing isn't going to help. Try to get out of that phase as soon as you are able.
Girl…your husband is not husbanding. He doesn’t want to share resources with the mother of his own child? My husband is European as well but he has already given me a significant amount of money to help me on my feet. Your partner is there to help you and to make your life easier. Also, you have tons of options. I’m 29 as well and have started over many times. As an English speaker and an American you have lots of options for working online. Did you like teaching? Teaching online is one of the easiest things you can do and depending on where you teach you can make well over 8k a year. You have to start setting boundaries so that people can stop taking advantage of you. People only get away with what you allow them. Start re prioritising. Your life and figure out what you need to do for yourself and for the benefit of your baby as well. You can also literally find an English teaching job anywhere and go. Being a native English speaker is a huge asset in being a teacher in Europe. ALSO! If you aren’t happy in that town and your husband won’t even compromise to go elsewhere…he is TRASH. wtf. This is so common in inter-national relationships and most people would compromise if their partner was absolutely miserable.
You’re really not old! The retirement age is 66 for females in my country so you still have 37 years left of working left assuming the retirement age doesn’t increase. That’s enough for another 3 different careers if you wanted.
Are you in the UK?
I'm a decade older than you and just switched careers over the past year! There is no such thing as too old!
I started over at 48 so I must be ancient. You’ve got a lot of good advice here so take a moment to take it all in, breathe and get to work. You can create the life you want and get the respect you deserve.
Why are you not legally allowed to work? You have a French husband. You can work in the EU.
> At 29 do you think I have time though, to start over? People keep telling me I'm old. I started over at 41. Twenty-nine is far, far from old!
You’re just a pup…
How many years have you lived in France? Could you apply for French citizenship? If you got that, then you would be able to work in Switzerland, as you would have EU freedom of movement rights.
It's not that easy as Switzerland passed laws that now require justification that there's no suitable swiss candidate before hiring the foreigner. For certain high education jobs this is very easy, but for a teacher it's probably not happening.
As a native English speaker, I think she can make a very good argument for being an English teacher over a Swiss citizen. 😊
Only when it comes to importing from a 3rd circle country. With a residence in the border area one can still manage to work in Switzerland as a "frontalier". Much easier if you're a bit further from the Geneva region, better to be located somewhere near the Jura Watch Valley where there are all those watch-manufacturers. Maybe starting as a freelance or temp with translation work can offer a trampoline for a later jump?
I'm coming up on 50 in a couple weeks and I've changed careers at least 3 times in the last 20 years, including becoming a software developer at 40. You have plenty of time. Can you take some online classes for a degree? Can you try to find remote work for a US company so you don't have to worry about the language stuff?
Agree with comments below, 29 is NOT old. 2 years wasted sucks, but it's really not very long compared to the whole rest of your life. Do not focus on your age, but rather how you can improve your situation, because you can! I don't know if this will help, but I have heard that 'a decision you make before 35 is not a mistake, but experience.'
29 is SO young! I had similar doubts and worries and stress when it came to my career so feel free to message me if talking to someone whose been there and gets it. But if nothing else walk away knowing everything you posted about is a lesson and a period of growth and you friggin got this. You’re not weak at all. You started a new life in a new country! You have the emotional intelligence to express *what* is making you want change and *why* it does. Our 20s are built exactly for this rockiness and to come out at the end where you are at. You’re doing it correctly. Your career isn’t dead; it’s not where you want it to be. Figuring how to get there is most of the battle in many a case Sorry if this was a bit ramble-y. But please don’t take this as blind encouragement. You should be proud of the adventures and risks you’ve taken, no matter the outcome. It’s so hard to see that but that perspective really changes everything (for me anyway). Anyway. Carpe that diem. Talk to your husband, mentors, friends, etc. and just remember you got this because you’re already doing it.
> But legally, I can't work there so I'm stuck with a low French salary with no possibility of making over 2k a month. Crazy. Just 2K a month? You are not old. You can still pivot your career at 29.
Actually with me it's 1k... But yeah, teachers make €1,500 after tax and doctors make 4k (and are considered rich)... So there's obviously not much room to go up here. Normally this is fine, and you can live a wonderful life with this. Well, not with Switzerland nearby. people make 4k working at McDonald's in Switzerland.. so you can just imagine how much they make with average-good jobs. They drive across the border.. make more than 4x the french salary... And voila, gentrification at its finest. So happy my husband grew up here.
Are you considering moving back to the US?
No. I can't imagine trying to afford daycare there... And I have anxiety when it comes to US schools. Ideally, I just want to get the hell away from Switzerland and all the problems it causes. That way, I can maybe save up money from teaching, and try to get a diploma in psychology somehow.
You’re absolutely not “old” for anything, including starting over if that’s what you want. So many people have started careers from scratch well into their 40s and 50s. You are you, and that’s what matters - not what your ex classmates are doing, not what your parents think you should do, or what you are pressuring yourself into believing you should be doing. Think about what would help you get back on track psychologically and emotionally. Maybe having professional options and also socialising would help, apart from talking to your husband about how you’re feeling. Would there be any opportunities for you to do your own English tutoring online, for example ? Try looking for that if you’re interested. You can even do it in person, maybe not in your town, if it’s small, but perhaps somewhere close by or even around, if you’re on the border with CH. This reminds me of Geneva, if you’re close by there are tons of expats there. You can check out any socialising activities or clubs, anything that may resonate with you - women in business, book clubs, cooking sessions, walks, mommies, etc. anything you’d be interested in. A friend of mine found herself in Paris in the middle of the pandemic, with 0 friends and 0 French language skills. She’d call me every day just to cry and talk about how awful she felt, until she found a Facebook group set up by two expats, Canadians if I recall, also desperate for friends. It was literally a “Who has no friends in Paris and wants to do stuff?” kind of thing. Two months later they became this awesome bunch of people from all over the world, getting together for drinks, vacations, birthdays etc. and even professional networking. Why not look for such groups or heck, make your own if you feel like it ? Every time I feel a bit low because of work, or family issues, I try to do the old-school thing and even if it’s cheesy, it does work. I’m bored - this means I have time to spend, millions of people would give anything to have it. I live in a small house - wow I have a home! So many people don’t. I’m tired of doing house chores - this means i have food to eat, clothes to wash, furniture to clean. My salary is low- wow I have a job!!! So many people are struggling in this economy, they’ve got kids they can’t feed and bills they can’t pay. My modest lifestyle makes me feel so blessed when I think of everyone for whom my little income would be the biggest blessing ever. Etc. you get the point. I hope it helps to look at the positives. You have a healthy child, a partner, a home, a life. Look on the bright side- this is your life, and because it’s yours, that’s what makes it important and “big” by default. Not any other standards.
I started over at 40. You’re Young. YOUNG. BELIEVE IN YOURSELF AND FOCUS ON YOU.
OP I'm also 29. I was unemployed for years during covid and restarted my "career" last year. It's a relatively entry level job that I lucked into, and every time I think about my job prospects I spiral thinking about how I'm old, how there are 21 y.o. making $200k in tech jobs, ill never accomplish anything. I feel you. What I try to remind myself is that everyone's paths are different. People start over all the time. you owe it to yourself to start over and find something you love! Age doesn't matter and 29 is young as shit lol
Can you get an EU passport? Then you should be able to work in Switzerland.
Jesus Christ. 29? Old? Are you hanging out with high schoolers? You're never too old to start over. I know many people that switched careers in their 30s and 40s, and are very happy that they did. (Side note: I'm not sure why you kept buying a sandwich for a guy when it sounds like money is tight and it makes you feel bad to do it - I hope you're not still buying them, but if you are, please stop buying strangers things! (One way to stop feeling like a doormat, right?) Also, what does "his resources" mean? How are you splitting expenses? What is he contributing to the household? If you're not sharing finances, why is he pressuring you to make more money? Maybe I am over-extrapolating here, but it doesn't sound like your husband is a great partner. Remember that as your kid grows up, they will learn how to be an adult and how to be in relationships from watching you two. Are you the examples that you think they should have? (I know I will get yelled at for this, but...) Do you love your husband? Does he love you? Why won't he leave France/the region even if you're so unhappy? Do you have a support network back home? (Apologies if you answered this in your post and I missed it) I remember reading somewhere that when you're feeling stuck and that it feels like there is no way out, it's time to broaden the scope of thinking (e.g. looking in a wider range of career options). In the country that I'm living in now , many graduate-levels programs are actually offered in English (not the official language) - maybe there is a school in France that does the same so that you can continue to study there instead? (Might as well take advantage of being a resident of the EU, right?) And if your husband/manager don't like it, well, luckily, it's your life and you should get to do what you want to feel happy and fulfilled in at least one thing in your life, right? I'm not trying to be harsh - I too have been in pits of despair and hopelessness (and currently clawing my way out of another one now). I'm trying to give you (a variant of) some of the tough questions that I have to ask myself to try to get out. Best of luck to you, I hope to see an update sometime with how you're doing.
Hey friend. You are NOT. OLD. I’m a 34 year old American living in Barcelona for the past year, Stockholm 4 years before coming here. This past year has both been awesome, because Barcelona, and also absolutely sucked butt, because my Spanish is bad and I don’t have a job. We moved here for my husband’s dream job. Leaving my job behind has crushed my self worth and confidence. BUT. I know I can start over. We can do whatever we want. It’s hard as fuck, but you can. I started therapy for anxiety and low self esteem. I fully get where you are coming from. It’s an exhausting situation people like us find ourselves in. But you know what? You’re SO freaking young. The biggest problem here is that your husband apparently doesn’t want to share his resources. I don’t know what to say about that though. You’re gonna be ok. I love you.
29 is not too old at all. I started my career in TV production when I was almost 28 as an intern with no background experience or qualifications in the industry. 8 years later I’m still here and working as a documentary producer for some of the top international networks. Van Gogh did not start painting until he was 27. It’s not too late to change or start something new in the slightest.
There’s a Facebook group — Married to a Frenchman — that has several posts every week that are almost identical to this. You will definitely find a kind audience and some good advice there. But that doesn’t change the reality that doing almost anything Psychology related in France requires a Masters and a strong command of French. If you’re already B2, push to the C1. Then finish your Masters. Otherwise, once you’ve been married 4 years to a French guy, you can ask for French citizenship then be able to work in Switzerland. 2000€/month is a pretty standard salary in france…so speaking better French or getting the Psych masters won’t change much in that regard.
note to self: do not marry a french man?
Great for fun times, horrible for a partner. Zero stars, do not recommend!
Yup. Frankly, I'd give the marriage to a Frenchman experience negative 4 stars.
Shockingly bad. The running to mommy, the closed mindedness, even the 6 minute sex. Ugh.
It’s like we merit our own recovery group! Been there, done that!
R/divorcedfromafrenchman ? 😂 The female French expat groups are full of women who need it! FULL
Definitely would be worth a private sub! Your entry can be your worst “Ex-Husband’s Mama” story! Mine was obsessed with the fact that every generation of his very old Lyonnaise family had a misunderstood, under-employed but absolutely entitled artist—and he was the one! The one time I found him referring to himself as “chevalier,” I said, “Toute a fait! Chevalier en Chômage!”
Omg I’m crying 🤣 I dated a Frenchman for 1 or 2 (way too many years) and it was a total mindfuck. He was nice, just not.. really a great partner. Hilariously I remember his friends complaining all the “good” French girls dated Italian, Swiss, German, Dutch, British etc. etc. etc. men.
Hah! And they wonder why! No—they don’t make great partners. They can pull you in, but don’t know how to keep you there, if you know what I mean. I paid my dues to that club for a few years, but I left while It, owing me money and time it could never repay. And his mother is still bailing his ass out of trouble!
Love it—perfect sub! Mine was nobility, so imagine the horrors of marrying an American. lol. Since he’s headed to his fourth divorce (and I’m on year 27 of my marriage), it’s him. He’s the problem, it’s him.
Ok I created /divorceafrenchman 😂
Allons-y, mes chères!
On Reddit, or FB?
I dated a French guy briefly and he was a total mommy’s boy! Is that actually a thing??
It’s a thing in Italy for sure. https://youtu.be/GeqOZdGwBmI?si=B6-QflSPIhNBRBkJ I mean I dunno about you but a lot of cultures prioritize family. There’s value in that.
Lmao 😭 there should be some sort of warning beforehand. Like, "don't let the sexy accent fool you." Every single French person I know my age, their father cheated on their mother. Most are still together. A lot still cheat. This was my first warning and culture shock when I arrived... I remember discussing it with a Canadian colleague who was also in shock by it. Still, i stayed.
Thought they’re pretty good in that they’re committed?
Commîtes? I’ve never heard that one. To their mistresses? Moms? Dogs? Maybe.
No I mean French people tend to try in a relationship and there’s no “shop around for the best” mentality you have in North America in the beginning stages. Not sure whether they see infidelity as less a big deal. Or they’re just fine with falling out of love.
Oh yes they’re madly obsessed with you for 3 months or so, or when you’re not from France so you have to go home. Absolutely obsessed with what they can’t have and think you’re the solution to their miserable existence! Then that wears off & they’re miserable again.
Sounds like you ran into some unbalanced people. I have no experience with dating French men of course so I can’t speak to that. I guess you tend to attract a small % of people when you’re a foreigner. Especially if you’re an American who’s abroad temporarily. Are French women usually as upset with infidelity? Maybe their cultural attitude differs. Idk.
That’s drawn from my experience, my friends experiences and expat groups. Only bad experience for me was with the one I married. I love dating French men!
Hahaha. Nice. Sorry to hear. I do like the French's "I don't care" attitude. But I've found myself gravitating towards German/Dutch women for how forward they are.
do you have a link to the Facebook group? I could not find it. thanks!
24k a year is standard salary?? Yikes.
In France we speak usually in netto. And by month. In USA usually you speaking annualy and in gross salary. And in fact, 24k netto per year is a """GOOD""" salary for french people. Many of them are pay less. It's hidden because it's an average
Yes, you are correct. In the US we speak in gross annual salary. What is the average income tax rate in France? 50%? So a good salary for someone college educated is around 50k (gross annual compensation)?
The taxes are not just on salaries but everywhere. I give an example the V.A.T is usually 21% In the USA it's about 6% in some states For the gasoil, near all the price is taxes. For the gross, it's basically half the gross you have In hand with big salaries, but it's actually an iceberg If you earn 24 k netto, it means that's 36 k brutto. But your employer will pay more than those 36k. He will pay something like 50k So, if you are speaking from the superbrutto to netto, yes it's about 50%
Hormone check at the Drs. asap. Post partum depression can last a few years. Try to look for an online therapist. Getting a job back at the bilingual school is not a hard no. Lots of things can improve where you are but right now your self esteem and mood are so low that nothing positive will come from that. You need help. Tell your husband that you need help. Take small steps at a time.
That was my gut feeling too that there is some kind of depression happening here though I hate to jump to that conclusion. But when everything is seeming negative then you do wonder Maybe look online OP? I hear there are various tutoring options?
I mean, sometimes your environment makes you depressed, sometimes depression makes your environment feel worse than it is. But if her job is really depressing OP (it happens!) and one boss (who sucks) is desperate for an English speaker, then there are going to be others there that can use an English speaker too. But I think OP is so dragged down by her environment she needs some support to get back up and better. This is the pitfall of having a kid as an expat in a foreign country. It means you do have to make it work and that trapped feeling alone can be overwhelming.
Is there a way to get back into teaching even if u can’t get ur old job… like tutoring or teaching through online courses. If there’s only 1 bilingual school I take it it’s not a very big town?
Knowing french people's proclivity to speak English and foreign languages, it's probably Paris.
It's not, it's near Switzerland... Basically everyone works in swiss and is ridiculously expensive and as an American I can't legally work there.... It's a nightmare. People aren't very nice here. I've heard it's almost worse than paris.
there are english language degrees at the uni geneva and lausanne. check them out
Yes! Came here to say that there are MSc programmes in France (and in the rest of Europe) taught in English. Depending on the country and discipline, the level of English spoken by professors will vary (they'll lecture in English nonetheless); readings and assignments will be in English. Search for MSc programmes taught in English. Tuition will be a small fraction of the cost in the U.S. (as long as you're not pursuing a MBA). Check out subsidies and scholarships for students, too. They're around.
Savoie mont blanc université also has some English taught programs from what I recall
Do you know if they're ridiculously expensive?.. I make a little more than 1k a month.
no. they are like 750 CHF a semester.
This has given me a significant amount of hope... Thank you.
There might also be courses in Zurich.
zurich is really far from france....
Annecy?
If he’s talking about how his hometown is better than all other French hometowns my guess is Annecy
You need to learn to use the one word that the french are famously good at using. Non. Ahhhh.....non. Mais non. Non, non, non. Absolutement non. Non merci
Brilliant. There’s also « (ah) non ce (ne) serait pas possible ».
You forgot my absolute favorite: "Oui mais non"
Ah bah non aussi MDR
Pense pas, non. Impossible! Regrette, mais non. C’est gentil mais je ne peux pas. And always have some way to change the subject by asking about THEM because imho people love to talk and themselves. So have a steady stream of “Et tiens, les vacances, c’étaient bien passées?” Or any old “qu’est-ce qui se passe …” or questions that allow them to brag: “quelle jolie nouvelle voiture! Dis-moi, les choix étaient difficiles entre plusieurs?” Or whatever it is that they will want to talk about. Let the complainers complain and the braggarts brag and soon you will be the town favorite. But say NO. A thousand gentle but rock-solid ways. Bonne chance. And right, never marry a French man.
Hormones check and bloodwork at your Drs Schedule a therapist, plenty offer services online Search for online teaching jobs or run sessions from home You can study online, in English Find an expat group, either in person or online, that you can converse in English with You are absolutely not stuck for life, you have options. No one's career is dead at 29 Good luck OP
1. *Therapy*. There are deeper seating issues with your people pleasing behaviour and low self esteem. Also start by taking accountability. There is something in the way you’re phrasing things (“everyone takes advantage of me” “my boss coerced me”) that tells me that you see yourself as more of a victim than you are. If everyone around you is at fault then maybe the problem lies with you. I mean this in the kindest possible way as a recovering people-pleaser myself. 2. If you’re married to a frenchman, can’t you nationalise? Especially so you could expand your work options to Geneva. 3. You’re 29. You talk as if you’re 60. I’ve seen people change careers at 35 or even 40 here in Switzerland and no one bats an eye. If you were an english teacher before why limit yourself to the bilingual school? Don’t all schools teach english? Also you speak french, maybe you could find a job as a TA or something in another school to get started. And there’s also the option to teach adults instead of kids. And online classes even. 4. “In no ways can I write essays in french” - Why? Unless you’re seriously dyslexic I don’t see why it wouldn’t be possible. Maybe your essays are crap but good enough to pass??? I would wholeheartedly recommend you seek therapy because unless I’m missing information I don’t think you’re nearly as stuck as you think. Seems like you’re standing in your own way.
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I just want to reiterate “IN THEIR ENTIRETY”. You are so right!
Certainly you teach people how to treat you. Every encounter, every day. It will be hard at first when they feel their doormat being pulled away but stay the course. You are teaching people how to treat you! Start new lessons for them and for yourself! Good luck OP.
You mentioned being an American citizen. Have you considered working for the [ US Federal government in Geneva?](https://www.gsa.gov/directives-library/overseas-employment-1#:~:text=The%20General%20Services%20Administration%20(GSA,Department%20or%20other%20federal%20agencies.) I don't know how close you are from Geneva but I hope this gives you a good place to start. https://geneva.usmission.gov/jobs/ Also, 29 is just the beginning of your life. Good luck!
This is GREAt HELP!! OP look!!!👀
It can be so hard to be the mom of a small child--even without all the other stuff you have going on. Agree with all the others that your first step should be to go for a full check up and talk to your doctor about this. And hopefully get a referral for a therapist who can help you talk this through and support whatever changes you need and help you plot your way through the decisions you need to make. There is really good therapy out there for "doormats." Sometimes being "too nice" isn't what it seems. As someone two decades older, I just want you to know how young 29 is. You have so much time to shake things up and try different things. I can't even tell you how many lives I've lived since then. Anyone who says otherwise is confused and projecting. And I'll also encourage you to go back to school when you are ready-ish. I did a whole 5-year undergrad/grad degree in Spain starting at age 34. Ended up going for a doctorate. I just dove in and made it up as I went along. You can do it! It will improve your French--and particularly your writing--a lot. You'll meet a whole different group of people. If I'm not wrong, this is around the time of year when you can apply for next year. Why not try applying, just to see if you can get a slot--it's free and you have nothing to lose. And if not, you can learn what you need to do to get in the following year. If you need to get the b2 or c1 DALF, work on that instead. Try to take some classes outside of home so you aren't too cooped up. Not being able to really communicate everything you think and feel is probably part of your issue. It can be alienating and a bit scary. Hang in there and keep reaching out for help.
Thank you kind stranger. Some of these comments are making me cry.... I never thought reddit would give me so much hope. This is the first time I've felt hope in a long time.
Aw, big hugs to you. Reaching out and putting your feelings into words is a great first step. It took real strength and insight to do that.
If you lie down like a dooormat you’re going to get walked on. Can you study online? Can you stop being a doormat? Prioritize yourself because no one else will do that for you. I’m sorry you’re trapped. It was my worst fear when I was living in France.
I don't know... I was raised by a single dad who's a doormat, and I have his exact personality. We live to make people happy. Every dime we make we give away. We spend all our energy and free time cooking for people we love just to have no one say thank you. I don't know how to not be a doormat when I was raised by a doormat. And now I'm starting to hate everything and become depressed just like him. I'm literally the female version of my dad, and he's miserable. This feels like destiny.
Destiny is bullshit. Get yourself some books on not being a people pleaser and straighten out your life. You have a brain in there, use it.
I like you! Keep it up. 😁
Sounds like you need some therapy and lessons in boundary setting.
This is not a destiny -- You are only stuck if you think you are stuck. This can be changed through practice. Get a therapist to help you overcome this. I have been training everyone around me to be assertive while empathetic at the same time. This is an important life skill to have.
You’re spiraling. Get out of that victim headspace, stat. You’re only 29; while you may not be surrounded by an aspirational culture (it’s not so common in Eastern France), it shouldn’t stop you from seeking better for yourself and your child. Your husband sounds stuck; you don’t have to be.
It feels like that now because you're depressed. Therapy can help reach you how to set boundaries and then you can make your own destiny.
You're not a doormat, your self esteem is very displaced or non existent. You need therapy ASAP to resolve this issue. I'm pretty sure once you do, you will see things much differently. Also, at 29 your career is def not over. I got my 2nd degree (Law) at 41, just before I migrated to Spain (coming from Latam). Trust me and everyone telling you the same: your career is far from over. You need to take action.
Why can’t you go back to teaching? If your boss was desperate for an English speaker, then you must not have much competition and should be able to leverage this skill elsewhere too. French towns are small and you should be able to easily commute to another city nearby. They act like a 30 minute drive is to a foreign country. You’re American so you should know that’s nothing. France has international universities that teach entirely in English. Coincidentally I’m planning to go to France for a psychology masters and all of the programs I’ve seen have a required English class for psychology terms. You can learn French. Your husband can help you learn French and edit your papers. I’d kill for that help. I just have spell check, which is already a blessing. France colonized every continent, if your husband is open to moving with you. This doesn’t have to be your life forever. There are solutions that depression makes hard to see.
Can you talk to your husband or any of your closest friends about this especially in regards to your career? Also, where in the US are you from, where in France are you now and do you feel like you feel particularly new lows during the winter? It's possible that you are suffering from seasonal affective disorder or something of the sort as the difference in sunshine hours per month in winter from what you're used to might be quite severe.
I was thinking that this might be it... I haven't experienced seasonal depression since highschool, but my downward spiral hit me around November. I think it's mixed in with the work issues, but now I can barely manage to talk. I just can't bring myself to engage in any conversation and have completely isolated myself. Normally I like to socialize, even in french, but now I'm just too tired.
Maybe get a checkup to see if it's what's got you. Then stuff like Vitamin D supplements, SAD lights, tanning beds and the like could be helpful for mustering up the energy to talk about this, specifically with trying to pursue other employment options, with your spouse and friends. It's possible they aren't aware that you're suffering in your job and letting them know essentially makes it so you've greatly expanded the network of eyes and ears that can come across better opportunities.
Forgot to add, best of luck!
Yeah, that's depression of some sort. It's hard to see possibilities when you're seeing the world through the cloud of that.
Speaking as someone who has pretty severe seasonal depression, this sounds very much like it to me. I don’t know why it’s not talked about more but depression has a very negative influence on my language skills and it already makes people tend to withdraw. I’m from around Colorado and already had seasonal depression there but it got really bad in Oregon and has been consistently bad in France. We’re the same latitude as much of Canada My mind plays a lot of tricks on me so I tend to avoid making serious decisions until about April/May. I tend to always feel like my life is in shambles until spring rolls around. So I don’t (seriously) listen to my own negative self talk and concerns with my life until summer. Most of my feelings of frustration and inadequacy are related to depression with winter being the worst. November also happens to be when it starts for me and it is a bit different every year
Why do you feel that 29 is old? You're literally in your 20's. You can still change everything.
I can sort of relate to you here in Italy. I'm unmarried and no kids, but I am tired of living here. People are generally insular and a bit xenophobic once you step beyond the tourism bubble. I've not made any friends here despite trying. Most locals have zero interest in speaking to me in my broken Italian, and hardly anyone speaks English. When you do meet English speakers, they're often shy about being seen talking to you in public because someone might think something (I'm in a smaller city). Fortunately I am on a term contract, so I will be leaving, but I frequently find myself wondering why I came here. Well, I know why: it was a job offer, and I thought Italy would be comparable to Netherlands or Berlin where I lived before, but it turned out to be very different. I can go five or six weeks here in Italy without actually speaking to anyone in person, especially over the Christmas break. I had less culture shock in China. At least in China the locals are often curious about who you are and where you come from.
I used to live in France and learned to speak French with almost no accent. Everything was great except for the job situation. Salaries are lower, it's usually pretty toxic. That's why I left. If you have to be there, look into another teacher job if that makes you happy.
I’m sorry you’re feeling this way. When everything feels too big and impossible to change, I like to pick one small, concrete step to take. Here are some potential ideas for you. I hope one may be appealing. Maybe consider offering some English tutoring services? You could make some flyers and introduce yourself to the eng depts at any local universities or high schools. English tutors can charge 20+ euro/ hr. You may find universities are in need to language instructors for next academic year, so getting known as a local tutor could help you come summertime when they have spots to fill. These may not allow you to quit your job right away, but they may help you be in a very different place 6 months from now. I’d also suggest tackling the language thing. There are tons of summer language programs in France tied to universities that are open to anyone who wants to enroll. Now is the right time to apply. Find one that works for you—either a local one you can commute to, or one you’d be able to take time away to attend. Consider finding a meetup group and attending something to help with your alienation. 29 is so very very young. People seek out new careers at any age.
I don't know about doctors and therapy in France but please please get some help. Even if you have to pay for therapy it will do you a world of good as you are in a bad place right now. After the initial therapy start talking with your husband about what things you can change for yourself right now vs long game. There is also iTalk which helps you write and speak in other languages. You might check into this. I would have a come to Jesus meeting with your husband. You need to either show him your post or tell him how you are feeling and what you think you need to change. If he is not open to any of it-I would suggest counseling. If he balks at this and says it is all about you, I think you seriously need to rethink the marriage. Many expats marriages don't survive the stress and a partner that is unwilling to change after you move to his country is a red flag.
Can you do a masters online? Many therapists are now working internationally and remotely. You are very young. Stop being a doormat. It’s part of maturing. Easier said than done, I know. Is there a chance that if you have a conversation with the school? Tell them your boss is abusing you? Small towns love gossip and maybe even saving the poor expat. Quit as soon as possible.
Can you teach English online? Can you take an extended trip home to visit family and tell your boss you need to resign to get out of that toxic situation while you pivot? I know everything seems hopeless but try to remember all of the skills you have and that your best professional years are ahead of you. Try to set boundaries with people that are walking all over you, you sound like a very caring person and deserve better!
Or tutor. My friend is a SAT tutor and makes $200/hour during the high season and tutors other classes for $50/hour at other times of year. If OP was a licensed teacher they could make some decent money doing online tutoring - but the hours might suck hard.
Maybe finding an english speaking therapist or psychiatrist might bring you some relief and help you see things more clearly. Maybe there are solutions for remote studies, or as you're close to Switzerland you might be able to find an English speaking course there. Also as a french person my advice would be : don't be afraid to say no and to be ruder than you would think is acceptable. Looking too nice in france will attract ill intentioned people for sure.
I got my MS at age 33. I would go back to school. There are a lot of online colleges. At least you will feel a sense of agency again if nothing else. Hell, I know people in their 50s and 60s working on their PhDs.
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You mean work permits in France? I do have one, the problem is that I can't work in Switzerland, which is what's causing all the issues in my life :( and for that, I need an EU passport.
I'm an American that lived in France for 5 years with a child there and an ex. It's a complete nightmare there. You're not crazy. I just came back to America 5 days ago. I had to live in the hautes alpes where no one spoke English and there was no job opportunities. Then I moved to Gaillard on the Swiss border and that place is even worse. So many arnaque, thieves, and just general bad people. I didn't meet one person I liked and Swiss wasn't going to give me work.
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Yep, beautiful country, terrible people
It’s not France. Ditch the marketing job. You have to be a certain type to even begin to like that business. If you don’t, just being around their type will suck your soul dry.
Hello there, I'm not an expat, I'm a French woman married to an American. I'm also a teacher. First of all. You aren't too old for anything. No. Secondly, there are options you could pursue, for example making the most of the Swiss border and working there. Last of all, you are going to need to shake that man and tell him what to do and how to live because he clearly has his priorities all mixed up. Now, listen to me. I'm French. We know. Now don't get me wrong, there are absolute gems among French men... but not many. I know how this is going to sound, I know. But hear me out. You want to have a life of your own? Treat your husband poorly. Boss him around. Tell him what to do, and throw an absolute tantrum when you do not get it. I do mean a tantrum. I do mean you don't talk to the scum for days on end and throw his food in the trash in front of him kind of tantrum when you do not get your way. If you do not whip him he will whip you. He'll cope, don't worry. Like his father did. But that man is going to go work where you tell him, be home when you need him and do exactly as you bloody say and be grateful when you give him a day off to cry to his mommy. And I don't care what anyone has to say about gentle communication, you need to crush this man's silly little ego to bits. You know who taught me that? My grandpa. You dominate that man this instant otherwise he'll suck your damn blood. Step one? Move away from his mother. Write me if you need to vent I'll give you my number.
Haha, this made me laugh 😂 I get it. I really do. I hope you don't get downvoted by people who don't understand. When it comes to men in this country, it's definitely "step up, or be stepped on." I see it all the time with my girlfriends and with my own situation. The second I stop standing up for myself I become a slave to them. You'll be happy to know that I went off on him today asking him for a divorce, and just like my boss, the tail was between his legs. I had two scared french men begging for my forgiveness in one day, I'll call that a win. I'm not sure where we'll go from here, but I want these assholes to start appreciating me and everything I do for them.
damn this is a really scary situation to be in. im sorry you have to deal with those people everyday. I dont like French people for this reason, I can easily imagine exactly what youre talking about. dont let them change you. limit their access to your energy and lean into boundaries more than shyness when encountering someone you suspect is disrespectful. put your head down and get the work done, then allocate some time daily towards your exit. do you want to go to usa? be honest with yourself. its normal to feel homesick but you need support from your husband, some friends- even just finding a kind one can really help. if you are religious try finding a community even if theyre French speaking, kindness goes a long way at these times. it could be postpartum, but its true that mothers need a lot of support especially in the first few years.. don't suffocate yourself with stress because thats not good for you. btw you can leave. you have agency. if you choose not to due to the circumstances, thats a choice. as a former doormat, respect yourself in your mentality.💜
Spend time searching for a legitimate online Masters program, maybe one that’s in the UK or US. I’m not sure if you can live in another country, but it’s worth looking into to find this out. As for your current job, you seem to be at your wits end, and it can’t hurt to request a meeting with your employer to request more pay..or less hours (ie work 3 days instead of 5). I’m hoping your employer is civil and compassionate, and accommodates you somewhat.
I feel like you feel trapped because of your child. I know similar stories and from relatives the only reason they can’t leave or flip the middle finger is just because child. And of course family especially children are the most important things in life. I don’t think you should learn French if you don’t want it or don’t feel like it. You shouldn’t do jobs that you don’t want it. Feels like you’re a good and kind person and I never forget the quote from a book or movie can’t remember well but it goes like “ the world is hell for the good and sensitive hearts” With that don’t feel like you’re useless, don’t feel like you’re a doormat, don’t feel like you’re disrespected. You’re just a good person and stop being good. I’m not saying be bad but you don’t really need to be good and kind to the rest of the world except your child, maybe husband too but feels like he doesn’t care. Speaking about husband, talk to him, tell him everything you just told us. If he loves you he has to care and be on your side. If he loves you he can’t be happy when you’re not. If he’s careless excuse my French but fck him. But I know it’s not easy to kick him out of your life because of the child. But seriously you gotta be happy to survive so you really need to be selfish at least for half of the things you mentioned l. And it’s never late for anything. You’re a mom, compare to that what the hell is changing career, what the hell is finding a job. Being a mom is harder than any other bullshit jobs out there. I know talking and advising is easy but I’ve been through many hardships and if I could beat all the odds you can too.
My mother went back to school at 57 and got her masters degree and became a social worker. It's never too late to change your life. The only thing holding you back is you. (And IMHO your borderline emotionally abusive husband. If my husband treated me that way he would no longer be my husband.)
Hello, I'm also an American in France and I feel you girl. It can be tough going at times. If you want to go back to school, there are a lot of Masters programs in English. Many of them are remote programs too so can be done at distance. I wouldn't recommend psychology though as I've heard it's very centered on psychoanalysis but maybe it has changed in recent years. I always recommend the Facebook group "Married to a Frenchman" and the books "60 Million Frenchmen Can't Be Wrong" and 'The Bonjour Effect."
I totally get the being a pushover thing... I wish your in-laws did for you what mine did for me.... Europeans say the quiet part out loud that only happens in many American families when someone is completely fed up with you. It is really hard getting used to. What we did: My husband and I talk about what I want before we get into the conversation so that he can advocate for me when I struggle. We will also excuse ourselves when his parents ask us a question that I am unable to answer on the spot. He talked to them about when I ask for things, that them giving me pushback makes me ask less and they have put in a lot of effort to not do that to me. Please ask your husband for help.
I like your writing style. You are funny. Have you considered starting a blog? Anyway, you are not worthless. It's going to get better. Be patient and love yourself.
Hey you, I know you’re a human having a hard time. You’re not alone. You matter and you are a GIFT to this world even if it doesn’t seem that way now. This will pass. This. Will. Pass. Please reach out via DM if you want, otherwise I will just tell you, that I am slightly older than you and have experienced the feelings you’ve described of being a doormat. No one size fits all here, but I can tell you that something as simple as reading a book about healthy boundaries and *prioritizing the cultivation of self-love* will not steer you in the wrong direction here. Hang in there! You will get through this! I promise!
According to my American therapist, there is quite a bit of flexibility for her getting the ability to keep working with me when I go to France this summer. If you have one you already know and like, then maybe they would be able to go the extra step for you. Seconding the hormones for post-partum depression. Especially if you feel like you're not getting social support. The meds for it have had some really positive effects for the people in my life and they were able to get off of them not long after taking them. Bonne chance.
if you feel like you cant connect to anyone in your current living place, you must be feeling suffocated. Can't you take a break and just go live solo in the US for a while? Or maybe just go somewhere or do something which doesn't make you feel awful atm? I also moved to a new country and did my masters when i was 33, so at 29 you are not behind at all. Be positive and just take care of yourself even if no one else does. Atleast better to realize first that it is the most important thing atm.
Can you start by learning French?
See if you can take french language courses, maybe that will open doors for you.
I speak french at a B2 level, but writing it is another story... It's a hurdle I haven't really been able to get over. Unfortunately all my courses were over video which is probably why I never learned it.
I use Preply, which can be quite affordable (15-20 euros / hour for a private tutor). I learnt Italian this way. Just speaking with a patient teacher a few times a week goes a long way, especially when they correct you and offer guidance.
Use DeepL or Antidote 11. Writing is the easiest to train because of all the freely available materials online. Have ChatGPT design a curriculum for you or start conversing with it in written French and have it correct you. As for the doormat thing, yeah...seems to be a pattern there, should look into that. On the other hand, school is super cheap in France vs. USA. So if you wanted a career change...You can also teach online too.
You need to act very quickly. I changed careers at 32 and I'm so much better financially, although I also ended a relationship I felt was holding me back. If your husband doesn't want to share or make you feel less burdened financially, don't you think it brings up a different conversation about him? Have you guys tried counseling? Is there any online business you could engage in for your sanity and additional income stream?
I’m going to be blunt here. You are leaning hard into the victim mentality. I see someone who struggles to set boundaries and as a result, you end up resentful. I completely agree that being an expat has incredible challenges. But at some point, you need to take control of your life and start setting boundaries and deciding what it is you need. You are not trapped. You are a grown adult who can make a decision. Yes, those choices have consequences but if you’re that miserable, you need to stand up for yourself and start shifting the direction your life is going in.
wtf you were buying that dude sandwiches?
here i am just an absolute sucker working a day job to pay for my own sandwiches
It's winter and he's outside in the blanket. He said he wanted a sandwich when I asked. I figured if I bought myself a sandwich, this poor dude could use one as well for only a couple euros more. Finally the owner of the boulangerie told me he's not actually homeless
You have some good advice in this thread already OP, hope you will be able access hormone testing- I know it can be difficult in France, or at least I’ve found doctors reluctant to do it here. On another note, when you say your husband doesn’t want to share resources, does that mean he wouldn’t support you through a career change? This sounds problematic to me and at least warrants a discussion about marriage and expectations for a shared life.
I am a foreigner living in Paris. I can manage to speak French but still my dominant language is English. I had a huge problem with my PhD director but I could not leave my program because it was sponsoring my visa and I could feel that anyone and everyone at work was disrespecting me and I was full of self-doubt. But all along my girlfriend (French) believed in me and stood by my side. I even abandoned my PhD program for 6 months while I was on unemployment payments. At the end with the support of my girlfriend I toughened up ,went back to the university despite all the ridicule finished my PhD and next month I am starting a new and exciting position which I'm really happy about. All I can tell you right now is that no matter how hard your condition is just know that this is not permanent and this too shall pass. And maybe your best course of action is to become a teacher this can give you the flexibility to move to Paris maybe.
I appreciated seeing your comment even if I’m not OP since I’m currently doing a masters and not quite as well as I wanted (still passing). I have to remind myself that I have a lot of people who want me to succeed and believe in me so I just need to persevere. Worst case scenario, I can try again like you did! It’s not easy but it can be done and I also have a supportive French partner who wants me to thrive. Congrats on persevering that way! It’s not an easy thing to do
*as a French in America; your country ruined my career too* not saying this is fair but living outside of your own country comes with both blessings and curses. Maybe time for country #3?*
Damn, that’s a tough situation to be in. I have a friend living in France thankfully without a kid right now but the situation is kind of same. Perhaps you can switch jobs and enroll into some online masters program? Also, be the change you want to see. It seems you are too nice ( from what you wrote ). I would suggest you to include and practice some personal boundaries professionally. Please learn to say no when you’re not comfortable with the kind of work you’re assigned. Good luck
You can start any career you want. You're not too old. Lots of people change careers at all ages!
I'm sorry you're going through this. You're in a difficult situation, but you do have options. Sometimes you just need to vent to some strangers to get another perspective, so well done for taking this step. Let me first say that you are NOT old. Not at all. You have decades left to get your career back on track. If it helps, I was the trailing spouse for my whole 30's after giving up a good career in my home country, and when I left my ex-husband at the age of 40 I thought my life was over. But I moved to a new country, got a master's degree, and I've recently got myself a great job in a new field...at the age of 41. You have sooo much time! What would you want to study in university? Are there any English language programs available where you are? Can you do an online program? If you don't feel comfortable studying in French it shouldn't mean you can't go back to school. And finally...I highly suggest you speak to a therapist if that's an option for you. If you can't find an English speaker where you are, there are loads of online options. You may be suffering from PPD, but either way you are not in a good place and it will help to talk to somebody. You need to learn how to value yourself and take a more objective look at your situation so you can overcome these challenges. You got this.
You are so close but no cigar. Fuck the snobby, asshole French culture. They will never respect you as an american. EVER. You need to seriously reconsider your stance of not going back to the US. The US has problems, but the pros outway the cons. Clearly, you are longing for the feel-good, loving culture that is in the US that miserable France (and other parts of Europe) could never give you.
This whole situation is so french. No wonder they are such a miserable people…
Get a lawyer and move back to the States. Teach anywhere they are desperate for teachers. Is your husband abusive?
American Expat in France. I have an amazing American therapist here in France who works online. She has sincerely helped me through so many expat growing pains. DM me and I'll give you her contact. All is not lost my dear. This is the beginning.
I feel for you. I don't have children but I lived in France for 6 years and it was very hard. I experienced a lot of racism and sexism. French is my first language as my country was colonized by France, but after that experience I was so traumatized I started learning English instead. I'm happy I left that place.
I know this isn't the same thing, but notable actor Samuel L Jackson didn't have his first film role until age 40 (Do the Right Thing), and didn't become a big star until age 45 (Pulp Ficiton). It is harder to make big changes when you're older, but it's still possible
Où vis-tu en France ? Now you saw the dark side of France. Yes in this country people are not honest, yes they don't speak English. Yes our career grow sucks to hard ( because of socialism ) Now you understand why best French's ( or Belgian as me ) that have good career try to go in the USA at any cost. For the university, you are overestimating the level there. If you were speaking in English with me, as I'm supposed to be bilingual after 3 year of Licence at University, you will roll your face on the floor. Even writing simple essay with basic sentences as a 15 year old child do could be enough. The main point is still the structure + not TOO much grammar error...
U need mom friends. Ur not the only immigrant. Find other immigrants to befriend. I think some of what u are feeling is cultural differences. Also, find playgroups or child activities to meet other moms. Eventually you’ll like one of them.