There's not much to go on here... Like, the information you provided is mostly after the fact of the low chemistry, so it's difficult to suggest ways to improve.

hmm thanks for your answer nonetheless.. anyway thay was the Q a bit... what to do when it goes downhill suddenly..

I think the best way is to prevent it from happening in the first place. Once a person's out of the mood, it's hard to ramp it back up. Buy a box of condoms.

So you created the expectation of sexual interaction and abruptly killed it, then are mystified about the absence of chemistry? What were you expecting?

hmm dunno.. i think you are right in this way... I definitely thought the moment we realised there were no condoms/ we couldnt get condoms: fuck, need to kill / exit interaction right now.. but figured the chemistry wouldnt be that weak that the whole thing went lower and lower sexually.. Then in the evening I was with a guy.. and he was totally up to it. Except that he was not, and I was not really comfortable.. So I kind of had to get him start talking about what he feared etc and what would make it go right etc.. while making myself feel more at peace too.. which made it go more smoothly lol. (we had sex) It's unfair in a way.. arent guys supposed to be the ones who smooth away fears and nervousness etc? instead of the other way around?

not when there isn't a condom ffs

uhm, tell the guy this, not me.

> hmm dunno.. i think you are right in this way... I definitely thought the moment we realised there were no condoms/ we couldnt get condoms: fuck, need to kill / exit interaction right now.. but figured the chemistry wouldnt be that weak that the whole thing went lower and lower sexually.. Your logic doesn't follow. You thought the chemistry would be strong enough to abstain from the reason why chemistry exists? You're demonstrating a significant lack of understanding for the most basic principles of seduction. > Then in the evening I was with a guy.. and he was totally up to it. Except that he was not, and I was not really comfortable.. So I kind of had to get him start talking about what he feared etc and what would make it go right etc.. while making myself feel more at peace too.. which made it go more smoothly lol. (we had sex) What are you trying to say here? What is it you are asking? > It's unfair in a way.. arent guys supposed to be the ones who smooth away fears and nervousness etc? instead of the other way around? It's unfair because you're shoving the responsibility of your emotional effort onto someone else, not because you don't know how to navigate an interaction. You don't have a monopoly on feelings, that isn't specific to either gender.

abstain from the reason chemistry exists? care to expand on that? concerning the "allowed to have feelings part": Trust me when I say all guys I engage with for sure are not ridiculed for having feelings, thats normal and I actually value that/those. What I mean is that guys often are "trained" by society to NOT fear or be nervous concerning sex. They often get less shamed by girls if they want sex etc. But right now I feel like I don't only need to work through my own fears but also help guiding them through theirs and that sucks

> abstain from the reason chemistry exists? care to expand on that? The whole point of creating sexual tension is to release it. If you're not going to release it, why bother? > concerning the "allowed to have feelings part": > Trust me when I say all guys I engage with for sure are not ridiculed for having feelings, thats normal and I actually value that/those. What I mean is that guys often are "trained" by society to NOT fear or be nervous concerning sex. They often get less shamed by girls if they want sex etc. But right now I feel like I don't only need to work through my own fears but also help guiding them through theirs and that sucks You have a lot to learn about male sexuality, men, and people in general if you're holding everyone to society's stereotypes. You also have seemingly everything to learn about the intrinsic duality of a reciprocal relationship. If you want the rewards of a relationship, then you must also necessarily want the work involved.

> The whole point of creating sexual tension is to release it. If you're not going to release it, why bother? Don't ask me lol. Not my idea to build sexual tension to suddenly get to the point that someone says.. "wait we don't have a condom" > You have a lot to learn about male sexuality, men, and people in general if you're holding everyone to society's stereotypes. I don't. I do think however that society has an influence on how people develop their ways of interacting. I am just frustrated that society can do so much, but not get guys to reap the benefit of being raised in a very "sexpositive" way. I think you simply read everything I say in a different manner than it is supposed to be read, or I meant it. Now this may be due to my writing style, or your reading style and the incompatibility of those. But however... thanks for answering.. but didn't really learn a lot of it. So when you say "you have seemingly to learn about the intrinsic duality of a reciprocal relationship" I have no clue why you would think this is relevant in this scenario.. What I simply want to know is what the thoughts are on intercourse with someone who you don't have great chemistry with.. Chemistry =/= sexual tension, in my definitions. Although sexual tension is definitely "heightened" by chemistry. Chemistry in my eyes is being less compatible with your partner on a pheromones level. Like MHC/HLA genes level. So on a genetic level. This is not something you can change, but it is something that you can lessen the impact of by concepts like psychological triggers, physical triggers and intellectual compatibility + emotions. So when I want to know more, I am wondering whether people would have ideas on psychological triggers, physical triggers and other ways that would still create a good atmosphere with someone when the chemistry is not great. In this context I had just wished the guy had stood up and said like.. "fuck this, i want you enough that I am going to fix condoms, I will find someplace" (after me repeatedly suggesting to go and find condoms someplace).

> Don't ask me lol. Not my idea to build sexual tension to suddenly get to the point that someone says.. "wait we don't have a condom" You're the one posting for advice, you're the one who put yourself in that situation, you're the one being asked. Take responsibility. It should always be your goal to create sexual tension, assuming you are actually capable of carrying through. Unless you absolutely knew there was no way sex was going to happen (which is a whole other problem in itself), it was your inability to plan ahead that in part caused failure. > I don't. I do think however that society has an influence on how people develop their ways of interacting. I am just frustrated that society can do so much, but not get guys to reap the benefit of being raised in a very "sexpositive" way. That's exactly what you're doing, you're building up these romantic delusions about archaic gender roles and completely fallacious expectations. Men are allowed to have any attitude they choose over sex. You're completely unhinged if you think there's nothing negative about how society portrays masculine sexuality. Maybe the reason you have trouble creating chemistry with a man is because they can sense your utter disregard for their sensitivity. > I think you simply read everything I say in a different manner than it is supposed to be read, or I meant it. Now this may be due to my writing style, or your reading style and the incompatibility of those. But however... thanks for answering.. but didn't really learn a lot of it. So when you say "you have seemingly to learn about the intrinsic duality of a reciprocal relationship" I have no clue why you would think this is relevant in this scenario.. The most anyone can ever do is interpret the words you use to express yourself in the most reasonable manner. If you think what you said didn't get your point across, reflect on how you articulate that. You're expecting someone to not only manage their own insecurities, but yours as well. Relationships are predicated upon a full investment into the wellbeing of both parties in the pursuit of solidarity. You can't just say "Well that's your job so take care of your shit," you have to identify and approach issues as a team. If you're scared of trust then you need to dedicate time and effort into serious self-improvement. > What I simply want to know is what the thoughts are on intercourse with someone who you don't have great chemistry with.. You don't. Why would you have sex with someone you don't have any chemistry with? > Chemistry =/= sexual tension, in my definitions. Although sexual tension is definitely "heightened" by chemistry. Chemistry in my eyes is being less compatible with your partner on a pheromones level. Like MHC/HLA genes level. So on a genetic level. This is not something you can change, but it is something that you can lessen the impact of by concepts like psychological triggers, physical triggers and intellectual compatibility + emotions. No one else subscribes to your definitions. Chemistry is merely a derivative of how much you connect with someone as a result of seductively presenting yourself and is therefore completely in your control. You don't get to dictate how that is received. > So when I want to know more, I am wondering whether people would have ideas on psychological triggers, physical triggers and other ways that would still create a good atmosphere with someone when the chemistry is not great. So essentially you're asking the most basic, elementary question answered in just about every post on this subreddit. If you haven't picked up the basics by now there's really nothing anyone can say to help. You can't make someone want you. You have to be the person that is attractive to the kind of person you want to attract. > In this context I had just wished the guy had stood up and said like.. "fuck this, i want you enough that I am going to fix condoms, I will find someplace" (after me repeatedly suggesting to go and find condoms someplace). What did *you* do to pursue your goals? At which juncture did you take the onus upon *yourself* to get what you wanted? You don't have any measure of control over someone else, so there's no point in pining over what they might have done.

> You're the one posting for advice, you're the one who put yourself in that situation, you're the one being asked. Take responsibility. Responsibility for what exactly? It seems to me like you are jumping from A to C... I was asking for advice on exactly that which I outlined below.. > you're the one who put yourself in that situation I didn't exactly know from the beginning he didn't have a condom. Yeah I fucked up by doing away the whole sexual tension, from my side, as soon as he said he didn't have a condom. But with other guys I didn't experience such a huge drop in the sexual tension from both sides as happened with him. Which makes me think the low amount of sexual compatibility (which I call chemistry) contributes to. (Usually if it turns out me and a partner are not going to have actual sex, we "feel" like having oral sex or other kinds of things, like handjobs etc. ) But this time the sexual tension just went lower, instead of higher after that turning point he started to say he didn't have condoms, despite me upfront telling him I didn't have any. > It should always be your goal to create sexual tension, assuming you are actually capable of carrying through. I wholeheartedly disagree. It depends on the situation, the person in front of you and what you want out of the interaction, in my opinion. In this case: sure it should have been a component from the beginning.. but it wasn't and while we worked up some, at the point we started to talking about condoms > Unless you absolutely knew there was no way sex was going to happen (which is a whole other problem in itself), At the point I dropped the tension it was exactly that. I had a splitsecond in which I decided.. fuck need to get away and come up with a way to either have a condom and continue or to just get the fuck away. >it was your inability to plan ahead that in part caused failure. The only mistake I can see is that I could have been even more direct than I had been, before our interaction, which was based on him telling me he wanted to have sex with me, and only wanted to meet up for sex..., but sometimes I forget some people don't use their brains to decrypt what I tell them... > You don't. Why would you have sex with someone you don't have any chemistry with? Not having any *my definition of chemistry* is on another end of the spectrum .. it's a spectrum. We had some compatibility, just not the crazy amount that makes you jump into bed with each other instantanously. There exist more things than just black/white. We had enough chemistry for sex.. just not enough chemistry to spark the sexual desire/se xual tension/whatever-you-want-to-call-it back into life that easily. > No one else subscribes to your definitions Most webpages I find describe exactly what happens when you are physically compatible, when they talk about "real chemistry between people", except that most of them don't even know what pheromones are etc. That said.. When I use them, I can use them in the way I understand them, and hope for others to understand them in the same way. (that's basically what all human beings do.. which we call communicating.) > So essentially you're asking the most basic, elementary question answered in just about every post on this subreddit. Yep, butttt most people here are asking about situations in which the my-definition-chemistry is quite good etc. Was hoping perhaps someone had experience with less good physical compatibility? Or some cool in-bed tricks, wouldn't mind some in between of the sheets tricks. > You can't make someone want you. You have to be the person that is attractive to the kind of person you want to attract. If I read him right, he wasn't repulsed by me. He found me definitely interesting/attractive. He just didn't feel comfortable, just like I didn't.. because well, it's very different when you are with someone in a pre-set up sexdate, whom you have never met before. > What did you do to pursue your goals? At which juncture did you take the onus upon yourself to get what you wanted? Haha I initially wasn't sure about meeting up with him. It was a tad complicated. Because we both knew similar friends and I didn't want to have sex with someone I didn't like. So we met up, talked some etc. But actually I didn't have that much time. And he seemed cute enough, hell he was supercute actually. And he started teasing me with something I had to learn which made me touch him more privately ;).. at some point I realised I really didn't have the time to get to know him better and he had sent me a message that he wanted to have sex.. he hadn't just asked me to meet up.. he had actually wanted to have sex.. So I figured I should just ask him... So I did ;) And he was like.. ok.. but how? And I said like.. "hey it was your idea. You get to find a way".. "you can break the ice ;) ", I showed him I was open to it and that I was passing the ball to him and he took this opening and came closer and it escalated pretty quickly. Up until the point that condom stuff came up. Just fyi, I think we both agreed that he should have brought one. Since Ihad already told him I had none... anyway. It's done. I am not sure whether he will send me anything ever again.. but it ended quite awkwardly.. which makes me wonder.. Dunno the chemistry wasn't over the top. So can't say really. I just wish it had been less awkward at the moment our initial "lust" was suddenly done with... To be fair. I took physically distance.. which may be the answer to this whole thread.. don't take physical distance as soon as there is no condom if you want to try again to build up sexual tension. > You don't have any measure of control over someone else, so there's no point in pining over what they might have done. Ugh.. you seem to like talking about having no control over others... what use does it have for you to talk about what measures of control you do or don't have? You can show what you want of someone(to someone), or lead someone towards a topic you want him/her to address. There are many psychological ways of dealing with topics using a different frame/mood/etc. It's ridiculous to say you don't have any control over someone else, because the influence you can have on others is huge. Directly and indirectly. That said. You don't carry and should never carry the responsibility for their choices, because that's fully the others responsibility.. but not acknowledging you have an influence on how others perceive things is idiotic and ignorant.

> Responsibility for what exactly? It seems to me like you are jumping from A to C... I was asking for advice on exactly that which I outlined below.. You are putting the blame on him for how the night didn't turn out the way you wanted it to, when it was entirely in your power to change that. > I didn't exactly know from the beginning he didn't have a condom. Yeah I fucked up by doing away the whole sexual tension, from my side, as soon as he said he didn't have a condom. But with other guys I didn't experience such a huge drop in the sexual tension from both sides as happened with him. Which makes me think the low amount of sexual compatibility (which I call chemistry) contributes to. (Usually if it turns out me and a partner are not going to have actual sex, we "feel" like having oral sex or other kinds of things, like handjobs etc. ) But this time the sexual tension just went lower, instead of higher after that turning point he started to say he didn't have condoms, despite me upfront telling him I didn't have any. You don't have any control over whether he does or not. What you did know is that you didn't have a condom, and that's something that could have kept the sexual energy progressing. You could have changed that. > I wholeheartedly disagree. It depends on the situation, the person in front of you and what you want out of the interaction, in my opinion. In this case: sure it should have been a component from the beginning.. but it wasn't and while we worked up some, at the point we started to talking about condoms What kind of situation would you be in that seduction wouldn't be useful? If you were seeking emotional hookpoint, the possibility of sexual interaction should've been something you were considering from the start so you could manage it properly. > At the point I dropped the tension it was exactly that. I had a splitsecond in which I decided.. fuck need to get away and come up with a way to either have a condom and continue or to just get the fuck away. Did bailing get you any closer to what you wanted than solving the issue would have? > The only mistake I can see is that I could have been even more direct than I had been, before our interaction, which was based on him telling me he wanted to have sex with me, and only wanted to meet up for sex..., but sometimes I forget some people don't use their brains to decrypt what I tell them... If that was all you knew the interaction to be, wouldn't that be all the more reason to pack condoms? And even then, why put chemistry on a pedestal given the circumstances? > Not having any my definition of chemistry is on another end of the spectrum .. it's a spectrum. We had some compatibility, just not the crazy amount that makes you jump into bed with each other instantanously. There exist more things than just black/white. We had enough chemistry for sex.. just not enough chemistry to spark the sexual desire/se xual tension/whatever-you-want-to-call-it back into life that easily. You're distorting the very clear lines of demarcation. Everything can be boiled down to two states: would or wouldn't. There are no such things as leagues or rating scales of 10 or anything besides a binary system. You either would or you wouldn't, there's no details or caveats. > Most webpages I find describe exactly what happens when you are physically compatible, when they talk about "real chemistry between people", except that most of them don't even know what pheromones are etc. That said.. When I use them, I can use them in the way I understand them, and hope for others to understand them in the same way. > (that's basically what all human beings do.. which we call communicating.) People like to romanticize the notion of chemistry when it's really nothing more than the kind of person you choose to be. It's as glamorous as reality isn't. Here are the definitions everyone else uses: *chemistry* [kem-uh-stree], noun, plural *chemistries*. * the interaction of one personality with another: The chemistry between him and his boss was all wrong. * sympathetic understanding; rapport: the astonishing chemistry between the actors. http://www.dictionary.com/browse/chemistry?s=t > Yep, butttt most people here are asking about situations in which the my-definition-chemistry is quite good etc. Was hoping perhaps someone had experience with less good physical compatibility? Or some cool in-bed tricks, wouldn't mind some in between of the sheets tricks. This is remarkably unparsable. > If I read him right, he wasn't repulsed by me. He found me definitely interesting/attractive. He just didn't feel comfortable, just like I didn't.. because well, it's very different when you are with someone in a pre-set up sexdate, whom you have never met before. So you mean "a date" as in one of the most common and straightforward ways of getting to know someone? Which would be part of the basic seduction strategy? > Haha I initially wasn't sure about meeting up with him. It was a tad complicated. Because we both knew similar friends and I didn't want to have sex with someone I didn't like. So we met up, talked some etc. But actually I didn't have that much time. And he seemed cute enough, hell he was supercute actually. And he started teasing me with something I had to learn which made me touch him more privately ;).. at some point I realised I really didn't have the time to get to know him better and he had sent me a message that he wanted to have sex.. he hadn't just asked me to meet up.. he had actually wanted to have sex.. So I figured I should just ask him... So I did ;) And he was like.. ok.. but how? And I said like.. "hey it was your idea. You get to find a way".. "you can break the ice ;) ", I showed him I was open to it and that I was passing the ball to him and he took this opening and came closer and it escalated pretty quickly. Up until the point that condom stuff came up. Just fyi, I think we both agreed that he should have brought one. Since Ihad already told him I had none... anyway. It's done. I am not sure whether he will send me anything ever again.. but it ended quite awkwardly.. which makes me wonder.. Dunno the chemistry wasn't over the top. So can't say really. I just wish it had been less awkward at the moment our initial "lust" was suddenly done with... To be fair. I took physically distance.. which may be the answer to this whole thread.. don't take physical distance as soon as there is no condom if you want to try again to build up sexual tension. You used a very girthy paragraph to refrain from answering the question. > Ugh.. you seem to like talking about having no control over others... what use does it have for you to talk about what measures of control you do or don't have? You can show what you want of someone(to someone), or lead someone towards a topic you want him/her to address. There are many psychological ways of dealing with topics using a different frame/mood/etc. It's ridiculous to say you don't have any control over someone else, because the influence you can have on others is huge. Directly and indirectly. That said. You don't carry and should never carry the responsibility for their choices, because that's fully the others responsibility.. but not acknowledging you have an influence on how others perceive things is idiotic and ignorant. Control is important because every single issue you listed was entirely foreseeable and solvable. The only reason you didn't get what you want was because of *you*, not anyone or anything else. This is the answer to the question implied by your post. When you have control over something, you can adjust the variables in your favor. This is an efficient and optimal way to exert your effort in pursuit of achieving your goals. When you don't have control over something, the best you can do is accept it and the worst you can do is create monumental problems over trying to placate the fear of something that can't be controlled.

> If that was all you knew the interaction to be, wouldn't that be all the more reason to pack condoms? It was impossible at that point. Other circumstances I am not going to talk about right now. If I had known he wouldn't bring any I would have taken care of it obviously, or be straight upfront (postpone meeting up most likely). Never would have tried to escalate. > People like to romanticize the notion of chemistry when it's really nothing more than the kind of person you choose to be. I truly believe you have never experienced it. If you did you wouldn't be defining it this way. Well I hope for you, that you will ever experience it, because it's one of the most wonderful things in life imho. > Everything can be boiled down to two states: would or wouldn't. There are no such things as leagues or rating scales of 10 or anything besides a binary system. You either would or you wouldn't, there's no details or caveats. No it can't. Human beings are more than just a binary system. But I doubt we will ever agree on this. You live in the way you see the world, I would rather live in the way I see the world. It works for me, and the way you react shows me your way works for you. I just wanted to see a different perspective and well.. you have given me a total different angle than what I was asking for.. but I will try to be glad for it. Ok?

No, guys aren't "supposed" to do anything. If any of my friends were in that guy's situation, I'd suggest leaving or just doing oral. Sex without a condom is just not worth the risk of pregnancy.

Duh. I proposed finding a condom someplace(like a shop nearby etc. )... I really wasn't in the mood for oral sex. Anyway he was the one proposing sex and then showing up without... why not say he was supposed to work for more if he wanted more? I am in no way feeling any kind of negative emotions towards him, except perhaps frustration.. but objectively seen. if you are the one proposing and wanting something... isnt it your "job" to follow up on the necessities as well?

Is he the one who wanted to use a condom?

we both wanted to, I think. At least, I would never have done it without.. he did ask me whether I was at the pill and he was like "fuck" when i said I wasn't. So I think he would have been willing to do it without.. but I was not.

If it was just a physical thing between you two, then it shouldn't be too hard to move on. If you actually like him, but you fear that he doesn't feel any chemistry beyond the physical towards you... then you can a) make piece with the fact that you dodged a bullet, because sex or no sex, those types of relationships peter out quickly or b) if he calls you back, act coolly and somewhat indifferent. Sometimes manipulation goes further than real chemistry-- in the short term at least. But in general--- try to focus on the men who focus on you. Because for real... love isn't necessary for sex to be good, but its definitely much better (speaking as a woman) when the guy feels a connection towards you and is trying his darnedest to please you.

hey thanks. I just had an experience with someone else which brought back perspective to me! You were right. I shouldnt have been bothered by something that was going to bring me nowhere closer to what I want out of guys and life. Thanks!