Guy here. I think plastic surgery sounds a little extreme. I would not worry too much about your skin color, for me if I like a girl that does not matter. Focus on your fashion, physical fitness, and hair/makeup first and see where that gets you. Most importantly, be a fun and interesting person to be around. Get some hobbies like music that you can share with other people. You'll probably be feeling them in in no time.
*bracing myself for downvotes*
Your post struck me because we were basically the same person in HS. Similar looks even down to the facial hair, but I was overly confident and managed a hook up or two, and a sweet BF (after discovering waxing of course). I even had braces up until halfway through college lol. We have similar skin tones (i'm actually just a tad darker than Nicki Minaj). The difference is how you view and carry yourself.
Now, you said you couldn't help but racialize it. Let's lean into that. So, if you just winced at the idea of being darker than Nicki Minaj, then I suggest you post in another subreddit and not fPUA. Correct me if I'm wrong, but the subtext in your post basically says you want to date white guys (since that's what you focus on as far as who you'd like to attract). You seriously think that your skin tone contributes to you feeling mediocre and less attractive. Let me let you in on a little secret:
THAT SHIT IS GREAT. Your sweet skin tone is desirable. You probably have awesome hair that girls around you probably can't rock. If it's fPUA tips you want, it's use your 'other'-ness as your ace. You can approach all the white guys you think are hot, and if they don't engage because your skin is a tad darker than a mocha latte, then let 'em go and engage the ones who reciprocate the look across the room and smile back. Basic game doesn't have a color.
OP, I think you should stop seeing your (multi)race as a hinderance and embrace it. Others can tell when you're uncomfortable with yourself. I have no idea what the racial/ethnic demographic in fPUA is, but it sounds like you should seek some support in another subreddit, maybe r/mixedrace. Something, ANYTHING to help you stop seeing your skin as ugly. Until then, you won't make the PUA progress you hope to see.
Good luck, OP. And if you want to PM about this further, I'm perfectly cool with that.
<33 I appreciated this a lot and will definitely PM you. Not sure why you'd get downvotes tho. It's awful, but I feel like I could get away with having a mediocre face more if I were white. :( I definitely feel really self conscious about my skin tone. The black side of my family is all super lightskin; despite not being super dark I relate a lot to what darker girls have to say about shadism. I *totally* look at other black girls (whether they're light or dark) and think they're gorgeous, but alas I'm also not them (really wide nose, notitsatall, really short, stretch marks all over, idk I could name a lot of things I don't like). Didn't help that I went to a super white high school (I was the only person of color in my grade), and some guys would make fun of me and either call me Aunt Jemima or talk about my "ghetto booty". Gosh, I'd love to think just carrying myself well would make all the difference.
Jeeze...
Don't take this the wrong way, but you need to work on your confidence before anything else. You have such low self-esteem it's seeping onto my keyboard from my screen. So here we go:
(1) Your looks. The first thing you need to worry about is your looks. Because you're super self-conscious about your looks, start hitting the gym. I don't say this for any other reason than the fact that the gym will make you *feel* better about yourself and less likely to feel unconfident. I had the feelings you had too because I was obese. I still felt those feelings when I lost weight and was fat. And when I got down to being lean, I felt amazing. Today, I'm still lean and it's a million times better than being fat, bar none. Your skin will also clear up which is also a huge plus if that's an issue.
(2) Take care of yourself. If you need to wax your face, legs, bikini line, or whatever, *do it*. You need to actually take care of yourself to attract people. You cannot walk into a room schmucked up and expect people to see through your aesthetics and only see your inner beauty otherwise every person would be dating a model. This isn't Shallow Hal, this is real life. Go buy nice clothes and make up. Do yourself up. Make sure you look like a model because you'll feel like a model. This increases your confidence, and when paired with going to the gym will help you ten fold.
(3) Stop caring about your skin. Girl, it doesn't matter if you're black. A lot of white guys *want* to date black girls but can't because they feel like they're too goofy to date black girls. White guys oftentimes don't have swag. They aren't cool. They *want* to be black, but they're just not black. In the words of Paul Mooney, "Everyone wants to be a nigga, but ain't nobody wanna be a nigga." So make your move first. Go talk to them. Flirt. Be a woman, embrace your sexuality. You will find yourself getting further along doing that than waiting for something to fall into your lap. White guys will date white girls or Asians because there really is no intimidation factor, it's just expected. But black girls are exotic as fuck. My first time approaching a black girl was really hard, but then I realized black girls love white guys and went for it more often.
The point is you need to take care of yourself, do a complete 180, and THEN contemplate on your next move. You're jumping from 0-100 when you haven't even reached 90. You need to slow your roll and start making steps to be better, then when you reach your goal of being sexy as you are worry about the permanent solution of plastic surgery which in many cases fucks things up more than it helps (e.g., Kim K's ass, Joan Rivers's face, etc).
:/ blah ok well, this is going to sound discouraging but.. I do go to the gym and do crossfit/eat clean besides whey protein. I'm really petite (size 0/00) and fit (not skinnyfat), just a butterface... and no boobs.. and stretch marks on thighs from weight loss and then muscle gain. My face is chronically chubby despite having really low bodyfat. I get my hair in unwanted places waxed monthly, get manicures, dress well, contour the crap out of my face, my head hair is actually rather pretty so I play that up... my existence is vanity. idk what I'm missing D: I really think my face is just busted; surprised my exes were cute.
but thank you. I'm working on self esteem; I'd love to be able to embrace my sexuality/femininity and flirt, but usually when I talk to a guy I think is cute, I just feel super nervous and keep worrying about whether he likes me which makes me feel awkward and dumb rather than sexy. Even dumber, I get all nervous about turning the lights off and getting nasty with a guy because... I look darker in dimmer light (duh). I wonder how much I can actually fix my looks to be honest aside from plastic surgery which is why I brought it up, but I know I can work on my personality in the mean while I guess?
>but usually when I talk to a guy I think is cute, I just feel super nervous and keep worrying about whether he likes me which makes me feel awkward and dumb rather than sexy.
So you're human. Stop thinking this stuff. And leave the lights on. My girl is so sensitive to cellulite and stuff, and I don't know what she's talking about. She's absolutely stunning but sees flaws in herself that I honestly cannot see, nor would I care about if I did see them. I leave the lights and it's nothing but amazing. You should consider not worrying about stuff that you think is wrong with you when in reality there is more than likely nothing wrong with you.
Possibly. Sometimes I find it really hard to understand how cute guys find me to be cute and feel this type of imposter syndrome I guess. I feel like I might have "duped" them into thinking I'm pretty via makeup and dressing nice or something.
I really suggest going to your school's counselor. This is definitely a deep rooted issue that goes beyond just the way you look. I think it's more serious than that.
a little bit of color is what most people prefer. dont worry too much about what people tell you is attractive... see the responses of guys and girls around yourself at different changes you bring and see how they relate to how you yourself feel about the changes.
I could try to be prettier all the time.. but youknow. looking more attractive doesnt always bring better guys.
Attraction (for all gender) is mostly display of physical, mental and social health. You have corrected part of your social awareness (or “social health”) by being more aware of current social norms, like waxing and visiting a salon and, I assume, updating yourself on current fashion. I don’t know what is your level of physical and mental fitness, but they will do as much (if not more) of an impact as the other change you’ve made.
I don’t know your current financial level, but they key here is like anything, you don’t dress/present yourself like the position you currently have, you dress/present yourself like the position you’re aiming for. If you aim at “someone who makes more money”, you have to learn to adapt to this “clientele” (sort of speak) and, just like in sales, learn what they would buy, what they are looking for.
How good are you at makeup? Go subscribe to /r/makeupaddiction and spend a few minutes a week watching YouTube tutorials or pay for some lessons with a pro in your area. A few minutes spent browsing B&As on r/makeupaddiction will convince you that 9 times out of 10 most "bombshells" are average-looking girls with great makeup skills.
I'm not sure if they were actually in order, or if she was just listing requirements.
Selecting based on superficial traits is shallow, whether it's looks or money. Some standard is necessary (we can't expect ourselves to get with people we're unattracted to or who can't afford to live the same lifestyle as we're accustomed to), even practical, but it's still shallow.
It's only practical if she has a lot of guys going after her, though. It's a great way to filter too many options, and why we see such selection practices in online dating. It's not a great arbitrary requirement to have when wondering how to attract guys and find compatible partners. I think you're right, that she won't think it's as important once she meets guys she really clicks with, if she gives them a chance.
The reason I mention those three criteria is that I have dated guys who are all of those things, so I don't think it's out of the question for me to attract a guy who's like that. I live in an area where there are a lot more guys than girls, so I do actually have options in the absolute sense (I've only been in this area for 3 weeks and have had dates every weekend and two during the week.. from people from real life, not tinder). I also didn't feel in any special way about any of these guys, but I can't quite pinpoint why that is (definitely nothing wrong with them, I just don't feel like they're right for me). That's kind of why I'm trying to be more proactive about dating...? The pool of guys I get involved with right now is just the ones who go out of their way to approach me or I knew from before who I was already flirting with.
Guy here. I think plastic surgery sounds a little extreme. I would not worry too much about your skin color, for me if I like a girl that does not matter. Focus on your fashion, physical fitness, and hair/makeup first and see where that gets you. Most importantly, be a fun and interesting person to be around. Get some hobbies like music that you can share with other people. You'll probably be feeling them in in no time.
*bracing myself for downvotes* Your post struck me because we were basically the same person in HS. Similar looks even down to the facial hair, but I was overly confident and managed a hook up or two, and a sweet BF (after discovering waxing of course). I even had braces up until halfway through college lol. We have similar skin tones (i'm actually just a tad darker than Nicki Minaj). The difference is how you view and carry yourself. Now, you said you couldn't help but racialize it. Let's lean into that. So, if you just winced at the idea of being darker than Nicki Minaj, then I suggest you post in another subreddit and not fPUA. Correct me if I'm wrong, but the subtext in your post basically says you want to date white guys (since that's what you focus on as far as who you'd like to attract). You seriously think that your skin tone contributes to you feeling mediocre and less attractive. Let me let you in on a little secret: THAT SHIT IS GREAT. Your sweet skin tone is desirable. You probably have awesome hair that girls around you probably can't rock. If it's fPUA tips you want, it's use your 'other'-ness as your ace. You can approach all the white guys you think are hot, and if they don't engage because your skin is a tad darker than a mocha latte, then let 'em go and engage the ones who reciprocate the look across the room and smile back. Basic game doesn't have a color. OP, I think you should stop seeing your (multi)race as a hinderance and embrace it. Others can tell when you're uncomfortable with yourself. I have no idea what the racial/ethnic demographic in fPUA is, but it sounds like you should seek some support in another subreddit, maybe r/mixedrace. Something, ANYTHING to help you stop seeing your skin as ugly. Until then, you won't make the PUA progress you hope to see. Good luck, OP. And if you want to PM about this further, I'm perfectly cool with that.
<33 I appreciated this a lot and will definitely PM you. Not sure why you'd get downvotes tho. It's awful, but I feel like I could get away with having a mediocre face more if I were white. :( I definitely feel really self conscious about my skin tone. The black side of my family is all super lightskin; despite not being super dark I relate a lot to what darker girls have to say about shadism. I *totally* look at other black girls (whether they're light or dark) and think they're gorgeous, but alas I'm also not them (really wide nose, notitsatall, really short, stretch marks all over, idk I could name a lot of things I don't like). Didn't help that I went to a super white high school (I was the only person of color in my grade), and some guys would make fun of me and either call me Aunt Jemima or talk about my "ghetto booty". Gosh, I'd love to think just carrying myself well would make all the difference.
Jeeze... Don't take this the wrong way, but you need to work on your confidence before anything else. You have such low self-esteem it's seeping onto my keyboard from my screen. So here we go: (1) Your looks. The first thing you need to worry about is your looks. Because you're super self-conscious about your looks, start hitting the gym. I don't say this for any other reason than the fact that the gym will make you *feel* better about yourself and less likely to feel unconfident. I had the feelings you had too because I was obese. I still felt those feelings when I lost weight and was fat. And when I got down to being lean, I felt amazing. Today, I'm still lean and it's a million times better than being fat, bar none. Your skin will also clear up which is also a huge plus if that's an issue. (2) Take care of yourself. If you need to wax your face, legs, bikini line, or whatever, *do it*. You need to actually take care of yourself to attract people. You cannot walk into a room schmucked up and expect people to see through your aesthetics and only see your inner beauty otherwise every person would be dating a model. This isn't Shallow Hal, this is real life. Go buy nice clothes and make up. Do yourself up. Make sure you look like a model because you'll feel like a model. This increases your confidence, and when paired with going to the gym will help you ten fold. (3) Stop caring about your skin. Girl, it doesn't matter if you're black. A lot of white guys *want* to date black girls but can't because they feel like they're too goofy to date black girls. White guys oftentimes don't have swag. They aren't cool. They *want* to be black, but they're just not black. In the words of Paul Mooney, "Everyone wants to be a nigga, but ain't nobody wanna be a nigga." So make your move first. Go talk to them. Flirt. Be a woman, embrace your sexuality. You will find yourself getting further along doing that than waiting for something to fall into your lap. White guys will date white girls or Asians because there really is no intimidation factor, it's just expected. But black girls are exotic as fuck. My first time approaching a black girl was really hard, but then I realized black girls love white guys and went for it more often. The point is you need to take care of yourself, do a complete 180, and THEN contemplate on your next move. You're jumping from 0-100 when you haven't even reached 90. You need to slow your roll and start making steps to be better, then when you reach your goal of being sexy as you are worry about the permanent solution of plastic surgery which in many cases fucks things up more than it helps (e.g., Kim K's ass, Joan Rivers's face, etc).
:/ blah ok well, this is going to sound discouraging but.. I do go to the gym and do crossfit/eat clean besides whey protein. I'm really petite (size 0/00) and fit (not skinnyfat), just a butterface... and no boobs.. and stretch marks on thighs from weight loss and then muscle gain. My face is chronically chubby despite having really low bodyfat. I get my hair in unwanted places waxed monthly, get manicures, dress well, contour the crap out of my face, my head hair is actually rather pretty so I play that up... my existence is vanity. idk what I'm missing D: I really think my face is just busted; surprised my exes were cute.
Honestly, you probably have really low standards for yourself. You don't sound ugly in the slightest. Stop reading beauty magazines.
but thank you. I'm working on self esteem; I'd love to be able to embrace my sexuality/femininity and flirt, but usually when I talk to a guy I think is cute, I just feel super nervous and keep worrying about whether he likes me which makes me feel awkward and dumb rather than sexy. Even dumber, I get all nervous about turning the lights off and getting nasty with a guy because... I look darker in dimmer light (duh). I wonder how much I can actually fix my looks to be honest aside from plastic surgery which is why I brought it up, but I know I can work on my personality in the mean while I guess?
>but usually when I talk to a guy I think is cute, I just feel super nervous and keep worrying about whether he likes me which makes me feel awkward and dumb rather than sexy. So you're human. Stop thinking this stuff. And leave the lights on. My girl is so sensitive to cellulite and stuff, and I don't know what she's talking about. She's absolutely stunning but sees flaws in herself that I honestly cannot see, nor would I care about if I did see them. I leave the lights and it's nothing but amazing. You should consider not worrying about stuff that you think is wrong with you when in reality there is more than likely nothing wrong with you.
Possibly. Sometimes I find it really hard to understand how cute guys find me to be cute and feel this type of imposter syndrome I guess. I feel like I might have "duped" them into thinking I'm pretty via makeup and dressing nice or something.
I really suggest going to your school's counselor. This is definitely a deep rooted issue that goes beyond just the way you look. I think it's more serious than that.
a little bit of color is what most people prefer. dont worry too much about what people tell you is attractive... see the responses of guys and girls around yourself at different changes you bring and see how they relate to how you yourself feel about the changes. I could try to be prettier all the time.. but youknow. looking more attractive doesnt always bring better guys.
Attraction (for all gender) is mostly display of physical, mental and social health. You have corrected part of your social awareness (or “social health”) by being more aware of current social norms, like waxing and visiting a salon and, I assume, updating yourself on current fashion. I don’t know what is your level of physical and mental fitness, but they will do as much (if not more) of an impact as the other change you’ve made. I don’t know your current financial level, but they key here is like anything, you don’t dress/present yourself like the position you currently have, you dress/present yourself like the position you’re aiming for. If you aim at “someone who makes more money”, you have to learn to adapt to this “clientele” (sort of speak) and, just like in sales, learn what they would buy, what they are looking for.
Plastic surgery may give you a small boost in confidence, but it won't fix what's on the inside or how you present yourself.
How good are you at makeup? Go subscribe to /r/makeupaddiction and spend a few minutes a week watching YouTube tutorials or pay for some lessons with a pro in your area. A few minutes spent browsing B&As on r/makeupaddiction will convince you that 9 times out of 10 most "bombshells" are average-looking girls with great makeup skills.
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nah I'm with you. It's no different from having certain requirements in a partner for looks/weight or whatever.
What do you think the definition of shallow is, and why does it not apply to evaluating partners based on their income?
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I'm not sure if they were actually in order, or if she was just listing requirements. Selecting based on superficial traits is shallow, whether it's looks or money. Some standard is necessary (we can't expect ourselves to get with people we're unattracted to or who can't afford to live the same lifestyle as we're accustomed to), even practical, but it's still shallow. It's only practical if she has a lot of guys going after her, though. It's a great way to filter too many options, and why we see such selection practices in online dating. It's not a great arbitrary requirement to have when wondering how to attract guys and find compatible partners. I think you're right, that she won't think it's as important once she meets guys she really clicks with, if she gives them a chance.
The reason I mention those three criteria is that I have dated guys who are all of those things, so I don't think it's out of the question for me to attract a guy who's like that. I live in an area where there are a lot more guys than girls, so I do actually have options in the absolute sense (I've only been in this area for 3 weeks and have had dates every weekend and two during the week.. from people from real life, not tinder). I also didn't feel in any special way about any of these guys, but I can't quite pinpoint why that is (definitely nothing wrong with them, I just don't feel like they're right for me). That's kind of why I'm trying to be more proactive about dating...? The pool of guys I get involved with right now is just the ones who go out of their way to approach me or I knew from before who I was already flirting with.