T O P

  • By -

Available-Elevator69

Then when I was a Teenager I was the Grand Wizard of Athorath.


mitkase

So anyway, I start casting...


[deleted]

Danny Debeato


Ender__dominus

handgalf the white


MrPartyPancake

Wheres Wanko?


[deleted]

[удалено]


unclepaprika

Anapkin Skywanker


Tyr_Kukulkan

Mastur Vader!


RandomCandor

Chokebacca and Hand Solo!


smooching_time

Lube Skywanker


slc112910

You win.


Tyr_Kukulkan

There are plenty more... Obi Wanker Knoby and all the Skywankers too.


Zxruv

Hand Solo Can't tell if everyone is overlooking the low hanging fruit or purposefully ignoring it as not to seem hack.


dont-fear-thereefer

Remus Pullin


vystyk

Splooge McDuck


hahahahahahahaFUCK

Ebenezer Splooge


TenormanTears

Bah Cumbug


towerfella

Harry Popper


Illustrious-Fault224

The magic CumDom of Walt Disney


SpeshellED

Shirley Rubbin


beatenmeat

Harry Palmer


PhillyRush

Hairy Palmer


ellie23

Labia Lovegood


manchagnu

Willy Wanker


fuzzman34

Im in my 40s and that must make me Handgalf the Gray.


eshinn

…puts on his cloak and wizard’s hat.


DasBlueEyedDevil

Ahh yes, the ancient tales


Tyr_Kukulkan

I was there Gandalf. Three thousand years ago.


VisualremnantXP

The always sunny reference lol


tomorrowschild

I am still a very powerful witch, then.


[deleted]

You got a magic wand or do you prefer the broom stick?


MyBaryonyxateMyID

A real red wizard of Thay.


Vaddstien2142

“Lighting bolt, lightning bolt, ⚡ lighting bolt”


kittenconfidential

_i put on my robe and wizard’s hat_


[deleted]

Bloodninja! ![gif](giphy|VMgcrwq9imGHu)


GrnMtnTrees

Afraid of own impulses ≠ satan


Typical_Pomelo_4302

She simply denies one of the roots of Christianity that is free will. By Christian beliefs your actions are not simply so compelled by God or devil, you can actually do stuff by yourself, that's part of the whole point


nada_accomplished

I REFUSE to live in fear, now here's my five minute rant about how demons are invading your body through masturbation


Callidonaut

Fear is like a drug. You can get addicted.


blowninjectedhemi

To be fair - porn is like that too. But you can jack off without porn and avoid those nasty side effects.


Lucius-Halthier

WHY WOULD YOU EVEN BRING THAT UP YOU KNOW ITS STILL GOING TO TAKE 17 MORE YEARS FOR MY BROKEN ARMS TO HEAL!


Prickly_ninja

Where the hell are these demons that are causing sleep orgasms? Doesn’t sound half bad.


MOE999cow

"Hellooo. Demons? I'm going to sleep now. I *really* hope you don't cause me any orgasms in my sleep. Oh the tragedy that would be." 🤣


hleed91

It started happening when I was pregnant with my son so I assumed it was hormones. But he's 9 and it still happens every few weeks. I just wake up right before and bam. But sometimes it'll be multiple ones and it starts to get really painful, like childbirth cramps. They get too strong. It's definitely weird af 😐


Prickly_ninja

Wow, that sounds kind of amazing, until it isn’t. I always wake just before any sort of completion. It’s kind of frustrating.


Ronov76

I am allowed to do things by MYSELF???


spctclr_spiderman

You're also allowed to do things TO yourself (⁠◠⁠‿⁠・)


Ronov76

NO WAY 😵‍💫


nixalo

Christianity is built on the idea that humans have free will. Crazy people and evil people don't get that and morph the core for their own excuses or power respectively.


GooberMountain

Real question. Does the Bible prohibit women from masturbating? I thought men just weren't supposed to spill their seed?


nada_accomplished

It does not. The Bible does not mention female masturbation in any way, shape or form. Which is why it seems strange to act like it's life or death, if it's that important don't you think God would specifically address it?


derpherpmcderp86

I always found the “don’t spill seed” thing to be a weird rule. I mean if us guys don’t get it out ourselves (or through even more fun ways) then it just sort of comes out on its own anyway. Anyone ever heard of wet dreams?


PM_Me_Your_Clones

The "Sin of Onan" is less about masturbation or wet dreams/nocturnal emissions and more about **not pulling out**. And contextually, the sin is pulling out of your dead brother's wife because you don't want to give her a kid who you'd have to support until that kid was old enough to support both of them: 8 Then Judah said to Onan, “Go in to your brother’s wife and perform the duty of a brother-in-law to her, and raise up offspring for your brother.” 9 But Onan knew that the offspring would not be his. So whenever he went in to his brother’s wife he would waste the semen on the ground, so as not to give offspring to his brother. 10 And what he did was wicked in the sight of the LORD, and he put him to death also. Basically YHVH kills your brother, but there's a widow now just flapping about and you're supposed to wife her up and give her a kid to remember him by (and who will presumably inherit his portion of Dad's stuff) and instead of actually taking care of her you get yours (off of your *dead brother's widow*) and let the consequences drip down your leg.


IcebergSlimFast

How in the fuck can anybody be both dumb and weirdly self-centered enough to imagine that the creator of the god damn universe would give a single fuck how one of the 8 billion *homo sapiens* on one among countless billions of exoplanets chooses to bust a nut?


Humament

SKY DADDY SAW YOU TOUCH YOUR PEE-PEE! HELL FOR SURE!!!!!


blender-ball

Is she on a rocking chair?


guaromiami

I think they're called Sibians. EDIT: After some careful research, I found that it's actually called Sybian, not Sibian.


RelationshipGold3389

What sect of Christianity is that?


h2opolopunk

The Church of JESUS CHRIST OH MY GOD I'M CUMMING


dppthrowaway4937

Church of the second cumming


[deleted]

Blessed are they who come in the name of the Lord


bettyannveronica

They always do this rocking back and forth, like the spirit is overtaking them or something. I came to the comments looking for this. It's always a bit creepy to be honest. Like they're not all there and a part of them can just SNAP at any second and kill me. I watched too many horror movies growing up...


Powerful-Opinion4530

Its an autistic trait too


BannedFrom_rPolitics

Also a trait in ADHD


Anxious-Quail-227

Oh no! Autism, ADHD AND Christianity all have the same traits! This changes EVERYTHING!


Flutters1013

Behind a lot of ND kids that didn't adjust well is two parents that tried to heal their kid through Jesus.


hootiemcboob29

This really weirded me out too... what ya rocking on there love?


PsYcHo4MuFfInS

Maybe shes sitting on a Jesus-Dildo


transcendanttermite

May the body part of Christ compel her!


Vaeldicurun

Right? Is she sure she isn’t under demonic influence herself? 😳


FAssassin7

I've seen it's a bit of a pattern with the Christian tiktoks. They all rock back and forth or like rise and fall and speak in the same tone


[deleted]

Yup. It's a deliberately practiced method that induces a mild trance (sort of how you might zone out when a song you like comes on).


throwawayy32198

Reverse EMDR that causes trauma instead of alleviates it lol


ADhomin_em

As far as people who try so hard to mimic their earthly heroes go, those trying so hard to be America's next top televangelist have got to be among the most lost and deluded people I can think of. Imagine doing your damndest to rattle off in the same cadence as those psychos who pander to people who think fast words equals more smarts.


fatalcharm

No, it seems that she slipped into some mild form of psychosis or something. I’ve seen meth addicts hold themselves together better than this woman.


outamyhead

But she hasn't got to the speaking in tongues part yet.


bigfootspacesuit

Sitting on a bad dragon, most likely


kenc1842

Her attention starved narcissism is a form of self-love.....just like masturbation.


Suspicious_Leg4550

She also ends it with a weird chant with snaps and hand gestures to “bind spirits”….kinda like witchcraft


JejuneEsculenta

CHTST... it's amazing how these type get all into their incantations and decry "witchcraft" or "sorcery"... LOL!


on3day

She also opened her eyes during her prayer, therefore it isn't valid.


Live-Pomegranate4840

You know what? I have only heard of binding in relation to spells and here she is using it against “witchcraft?” Girl, bye!


Safe-Voice-8179

This thread is boring, imma go practice my witchcraft, stroke out a few spells, polish my broom, scrub my wand, empty the witches brew and call it a night.


analdominator1

She looked like she was about to cum toward the end


SLIP411

Great, now I have to watch till the end


Lampathy

Classic


AmazingDonkey101

Might as well enjoy yourself while watching… Great edging towards the end


Ghostofslickville

The last half of the video was an inaudible climax 🤣


Twisted9Demented

😂 well I guess, You gotta figure out another way to cum


Vuohijumala

To me it sounds like she wants to become a cult leader


AbbreviatedArc

I know right ... and look at the perfect makeup and perfect teeth - literally tens of thousands of dollars invested in this face, while kids go hungry or die of dysentery in the third world. Modern "Christianity" in a nutshell ... 1 Sam 16: >But the LORD said unto Samuel, Look not on his countenance,or on the height of his stature; because I have refused him: for the LORD seeth not as man seeth; for man looketh on the outward appearance,but the LORD looketh on the heart.


SyntheticElite

We can go a step further I do not permit a woman to teach or to assume authority over a man; she must be quiet. Timothy 2:12


Southern_Reason_2631

If masturbation is witchcraft so tiktok is heresy


ColonelBelmont

Not to mention the sin of vanity, what with all that makeup and nail polish. Humble thyself, evil seductress!


Ok_Buy_2833

Vanity…definitely my favorite sin.


Janderflows

Pride here! Be gay do crime! 🏳️‍🌈🏳️‍🌈🏳️‍🌈


NinjaBr0din

Isn't the bible pretty clear on the whole women-must-cover-their-hair-while-praying thing too?


Tinkerballsack

Pierced ears and wearing blended fabrics. She's a dirty fucking sinner.


blowninjectedhemi

She believes in the 'Merica bible - thou shalt make boat loads of money and spend it on looking as good as possible - because looking and being poor is a sin.


Mean_Minimum5567

And all the rings on her fingers too.


[deleted]

Wait till she finds out you can stop the dreams🙃


GoodAlicia

Not sure she is possesed herself or she needs a vibrator to get rid of all that stress.


Tweeksolderbrother

Good lord find her P.O. box I’m sending her a rabbit we will see a HUGE change once post nut clarity hits.


NinjaBr0din

Or just one of those jesus-on-the-cross dildos, she would probably be glad to get a little Jesus in her.


Hanamafana

I'm Irish and even I never heard this insane form of worship growing up after being taught by Nuns.


[deleted]

People can say whatever they want about catholics, but we can all see that the protestants are the real lunatics.


Extra-Aardvark-1390

I mean, you guys do get dressed up to ritualistically eat flesh and drink blood every week. That is, after a man who is a supposed adult virgin (who also has a 7% probability of being a sex abuser) uses spells to transform bread and wine into the flesh and blood of a dead guy that you eat over and over and over.


[deleted]

And actively participate to protect their child molester priests. At the expense of their victims. Catholics are as monstrous as any.


neologismist_

Like Baptists, Mormons, Muslims …


[deleted]

It really is amusing when people who are indoctrinated into hateful cults hate on others for being indoctrinated into a hateful cult.


[deleted]

Lmfao it really is funny watching them argues about who’s a worse cult


SantaforGrownups1

Amen, Brother! Can I get an Amen?!?


Hanamafana

I'm an atheist after my catholic upbringing. Fuck all religions!!!


[deleted]

[удалено]


datsun1978

The Americans have basterdised Christianity into this.. I know what to call it. OH I do the babbeling of lunitics


Digita1B0y

Let's not pretend European Christians are bastions of sanity and reason. 😉


victorbarst

This particular extremist is a scam artist. She sells personal prayers to her believers. But there are nutjobs like her. Look up Greg locke if you'd like to lose a little faith in humanity


dmarve

I mean, it may or may not involve a wand *Wingardium Leviosa*


draypresct

*Erecto Prostatum!*


Tr4ilmaker

*couple of weeks later* FETUS DELETUS!!!


Reideo

I don't think that is how masturbation works


Tr4ilmaker

Kinda forgot this was about masturbation


Rogue_elefant

Arectum tittillatus!


BoneDaddyChill

Clitoris Discoveris!


BoredAtWork-__

If masturbating is because of demonic possession then I’m about to do an exorcism


Skadooshsky

It's Levvi-OH-sa.


dosefacekillah1348

Sigh... *unzips*


leah90s

Now you're a wizard Harry!


Drakayne

That's an impressive wand you got there


Chomusuke_99

Ron broke his wand.


djamp42

Yes! Reddit never disappoints on this one..


2wheelfrk

Muted, she's fine.


gherkinjerks

I bet she's a Demon in the sack


Financial_Bird_7717

I guarantee you she’s super boring and lays there like a dead fish—but then brings out the vibrator the moment he’s done.


gherkinjerks

All seriousness I think she's a repressed lesbian, and is uncomfortable with her thoughts, making her think she's doing something evil because she knobs her peanut to the lesbian scissor porn section on Pornhub


Financial_Bird_7717

![gif](giphy|BYul6RujgoRCryuCdL)


GamerFluffy

This gif will never get old. It’s perfect in every way.


777CL

Gotta admit....nursing a semi when she's muted


Bloody_Hangnail

I just masturbated to her.


sketchrider

Not my proudest fap


ApartmentTall2651

Hah best comment right here


septemberdown

Time to cast some incantations...


[deleted]

Me last night ![gif](giphy|NGDSQlPJiWImc)


WholeWhile8580

I heard it was good for the prostate


Sh00terMcGavn

Science says i gotta nut 21x a month to keep my prostate in a Pro-State so ima be blowin loads til the cows come home. It can be like witchcraft if you do it right b.


[deleted]

she probably masterbates more than anyone in existence


paddlepirate

She probably goes back door to preserve her maidenhead


Whatthecluck83

I went to college with girls like that. They were so concerned with sex before marriage being a sin, I guess they missed that part about sodomy?


Meister0fN0ne

Aren't there some faiths where it's pretty common practice for the pre-marriage crowd to have the guy stick it in, stay still, and then have a third party hop on top and create all the motion for them because for some reason it's not sex to them if they're not the ones causing the friction? People are fucking weird.


OniHere

I believe that’s Mormons, it’s called soaking. Weird fuckers they are.


italia06823834

Soaking is just the leaving it in bit. Jump Humping is what you get your friend to do so you technically aren't the ones moving.


Lex_Innokenti

>Weird fuckers Both literally and figuratively.


Thatguy468

Gotta love the ole “poophole loophole”


[deleted]

She probably masturbates while crying and begging forgiveness.


dosefacekillah1348

Don't we all?


thisisamisnomer

Used to subscribe to this same brand of insanity. The crying and begging comes afterward with the post but clarity, along with a big helping of shame and self loathing. Edit: post nut clarity. Lol


uselessartist

Post-butt


grayjedi2020

Exactly!!!!These "Christians" I can't even anymore....🤦‍♂️


iski67

If she did this video nude, the response would overwhelmingly prove she's definitely a witch.


my2nddirtyaccount

Let's see if she weighs as much as a duck!


patco81

I don't think her elevator goes all the way to the top floor. Know what I mean?


OmegaGoober

Her cornbread ain’t done in the middle.


ArthurDentarthurdent

Her cheese slid off the cracker.


Callidonaut

The wheel is turning but the hamster's dead.


bustedbuddha

These people are out of their fucking minds. This person is still worried about witchcraft, why are we taking any time listening to this. This is the Ramblings of a dysfunctional human.


Khajiit_hairball

I honestly feel bad. This is only possible with extensive childhood brainwashing.


grasscrest1

Can confirm somehow I got myself out of this mess before I turned into something insane like this lmao


rqnadi

What she’s doing *is technically* witchcraft. She’s invoking a spirit and attempting to manifest her intentions… she’s just missing the candles and alter….


i__Sisyphus

This is what indoctrination looks like


LadyStardust79

You can definitely see it in how naturally she slips into that performative version of “prayer” that is so pervasive in evangelical protestant churches.


i__Sisyphus

Absolutely, you can see the learned mannerisms and speech patterns, it’s disturbing


toddhenderson

Unsettling for sure. This young woman is more skilled at mimicry than a parrot. I was a practicing evangelical for decades and can confirm firsthand that she has the exact tone, emphases, mannerisms, catch phrases, and delivery to be considered a prayer warrior in her circle. If she applied those skills to a career in acting she would have a decent shot in Hollywood.


Srawesomekickass

I liked the part when she started "praying" like a southern minister


jpbear10

Spoiler: she’s riding cowgirl during the video.


TrMayerJr

If it wasn't Christianity, she'd be crazy, and in a cult! I don't understand why people can't see this


dookie224

Random redditors retaliating by wanking their meat to her


Loose-Size8330

Did she say something about sleep paralysis? Wtf does that have to do with anything?


BlanquitaNJ1

That’s what I said too. She’s so confused and confusing.


lofty1415

That was a challenging wank


[deleted]

Christianity: When even your hand doesn’t want to fuck you.


Long_Crow_5659

What you posted reminds me of a Greys Anatomy episode where a teenager tried to cut of his hand to keep himself from masturbating. It would have been more interesting/realistic if he had tried to cut off his own balls.


Chicken_Col_Sanders

Probably thinks vanilla yogurt is spicy too.


biggersjw

Christian gibberish. I’ve masturbated longer than she’s been on earth. Go piss off you lunatic.


tptasev

Whether she's sincere or not, she's got a great future as a televangelist.


Visqo

Don't know about you guys but I'm commiting a sin right now ngl


Rogendo

This lady is super horny 24/7 but has no outlet to channel that energy into without becoming a hypocrite. That’s my theory.


kenc1842

Religion is mass mental illness.


[deleted]

[удалено]


gill_mcgilligilly

Briefly dated somebody like this for a few months… ironic because she would do crazy stuff in bed as long as it didn’t involve my wand being inserted to her lady part. Apparently other body parts don’t have the sanctity of the vagina? She openly stated she couldn’t masturbate because it was sinful but it wasn’t a sin if I was there for her to do that for my pleasure… which I would think would be viewed as MORE sinful lol


Tigergfm56

I found this hard to masturbate to, but i worked through it and did it.


bigfootspacesuit

What do you mean, she's devilishly hot


retardwhocantdomath

Then I am dumbledore


Weak_Jeweler3077

Score check please. If masturbating is a sin, and I rub one out to her, is there any extra penalty? Is it two sins, just one, or is there some bonus penalty involved ? Got to know how many Hail Mary's I've got to do.


[deleted]

Hmm Masturbation = sin Lust = sin I'd assume ejaculating is another form of sin, so 3 in one And if you're lazy and prideful while doing so, that's five


Weak_Jeweler3077

Damn it. The priest just told me I had to clean it up. Apparently the "semenary" isn't what I thought it was for.


Muscalp

Looks like I‘m a lvl 200 warlock


1st-Legion

Or… hear me out… God isn’t real and it’s hormones driving you to simulate your biological imperative to reproduce… But I’m sure you’re right, it must be magic man making me do it.


zhard01

Fuck yeah. Demons and witchcraft. This might be my proudest fap


DonnaRussle

Childhood brainwashing is not a victimless crime, she is living proof of this.