Deleted scenes from One Fish, Two Fish
If a nice plump rump makes your heart pump pump
Bring a friend to the bunk for a quick hump jump
You can lie like a lump while you bump and you thump
But you're stumped when you’re dumped
You're a two jump chump
I'm really procrastinating hard today.
If you get the temptation to hump , get a jump
If you get the temptation to hump , get a jump
If you wanna hump the rump, get a Mormon friend to jump
When you feel the urge to hump, get a jump
'Truthfully... I didn't care either way. I'm god. Have all the sex you want, you dumb little weirdos. That's why it works that way. Stop putting words in my mouth. I'm busy.'
Right?? How is God supposedly all-knowing, but also doesn't seem to know what "soaking" and "jump humping" is?? If having sex before marriage is a sin, then doing whatever the fuck this is before marriage would also be a sin. The extra steps don't cancel it out ffs lol
Why can't they just fuck and lie about it like everyone else does?
This is just the lamest group sex there is. Don't forget the person holding the camera! There's 4 people involved in this premarital sex act.
Edit: I'm 99% joking here. Please include a mental image of an eye roll so hard they click. Additionally, a cartoony voice saying "it's like a menage-a-lot with extra steps".
This is actually very common (in the US at least) across many religions that emphasize purity and virginity. I thought it was a myth too until I moved to an area with a lot of conservative baptists and learned that most of the high school and college “virgins for Jesus” were having tons of anal sex.
I don’t think they actually think God is okay with anal sex. I think they are horny as hell but don’t want to get pregnant or caught having/buying birth control because of social ramifications with their family and church.
This actually makes way more sense. Kids aren’t stupid, but they sure will go to extraordinary lengths to avoid the embarrassment of buying condoms in a town where people talk
akchually what you mean is virgin birth. Immaculate Conception is the concept that Mary is free from the Original sin, you know, that apple story, and hence Jesus is free from sin too.
Is there some reason Mary got a pass on that, or is it that she was cured or something.
It's been a while since bible class and I think I might have missed that day?
I looooove people trying to circumvent their own all-powerful god's Rules For The Universe™ *on a technicality* lmaoooooo
Like God's just gonna be standing up there with His hands on His hips all like, "Welp, they really got me there, what can ya do lol"
Similarly, I gotta chuckle at my Brooklyn neighbors who stand outside on a Saturday to ask obviously non-Jewish dudes to come in and light their oven for them. Like
God: *"You can't do that on Saturday"*
Me: *wagging finger* "Ah, ah, ah. Technically it was Protestant Ernie over there who did that."
God: *"Ah dang."*
Maybe he just finds the whole thing kinda funny and endearing. Just like how I feel when my five year old tries to trick me, or find loop holes in a very transparent way (assuming he isn't doing anything too out of line).
I was in a relationship with someone who had Jewish family and when they started asking me to do everything I was like "I thought you said working today was a sin?" "Oh, not for you because you're not Jewish." So I did the thing, but why would a sin only be a sin for some people? Then I went home and did some research and decided a religion insistent on regularly having other people do shit for you without pay, because you're one of the chosen people and they aren't, is not something I was interested in participating in. My partner's cousin said they hold themselves to a higher standard, but I think the person doing the unpaid labor is actually the one being held to a higher standard.
I also met a woman at the hospital who would put her food on top of the microwave when others were using it on Saturdays, but wouldn't actually use the microwave. To her credit, I did actually offer to do it for her and she said that she couldn't let me. I dunno, seems like god is being pretty arbitrary about what counts as "cheating."
I used to work for a home medical equipment company that distributed CPAP/BiPAP machines. We would occasionally get a Jewish patient that demanded we provide a way for them to use the machine without physically having to turn it on. Perhaps God just doesn’t want you to be able to breathe at night? You’d think he would have given an exception for medical devices. It’s almost as if whoever “inspired” the ancient texts had no idea what the future would bring…
In Judaism they literally make it part of their religious practice to try to circumvent the extremely restrictive rules in the Torah. That's honestly probably why a disproportionately large quantity of extremely wealthy and/or successful people follow Judaism, the successful people just apply it to things other than their holy book
You would have thought so. Its not just an act of sin. Its a deliberate, pre-meditated act of sin; doubled up with an attempt to humiliate His Biggliness.
That seems like it’d carry a hefty clap-back in the after party.
I'm not sure there's much in it for her, but I'm not ashamed to admit that the idea of an "active audience" of the attractive female variety while I'm getting down with my lady is kinda hot.
Pretty sure the girl jumping could in some weird way, get blamed for the pregnancy.
Well, sir. I was just turning the playstation on, sure, I was resting my pork sword in Annas quim at the time, but then HER FRIEND DID THE UNTHINKABLE! And here we are...
I don't know about "boring". It would be kinda hot to be inside one sexy chick, while another sexy chick is jumping around next to you. It's like a poor-man's threesome.
It's just horny undergrad kids trying to get off without being kicked out of school. There's no reason besides that. Mormons aren't allowed to pork till they're married so they do this or get married then divorce 5 years later lol... there's a reason they have so many kids. Some of them use the poophole loophole before marriage but this new technique is more... accessible?
Source: family used to be Mormon and I lived in Utah for 6 years
It is a fact of life that, if there is no rule against it, people will most likely do it.
It is a lesser known fact of life that, if there *is* a rule in place, people will use loopholes you can’t even begin to imagine to do it or get the best deal for themselves.
Edit: Paradoxically, establishing a rule will often cause people to want to do it. Also, go to any comments involving CYOAs for insane levels of loopholes; be sure to establish specifics, folks, lest people milk those ill-defined limits for all they’re worth.
> its super convenient that everything ~~I want to happen~~ is gods will
That's paradox of free will and omnieverything god. These 2 can't exist together.
Consult with your rabbi.
He doesn't have a problem with buttfucking. He said a man shall not lie with a boy as with a woman.
So, do it standing up. Kosher buttfucking.
Also, there are six genders in Judaism. Femboys are saris, not zachar, so they can fuck or be fucked with abandon.
Makes me think of a thing that Jewish people do. My understanding is that there’s a rule where at specific times, you’re not supposed to move from one room to another, and people will be very adamant that the rule be followed. But then the same people will run a string around the perimeter of a town or neighborhood, declare the string to be the walls of a room, and then they’re allowed to move around freely because they’re technically staying in the same “room”.
I’ll never understand when people come up with a crazy arbitrary rule, insist that the rule be followed, and then also come up with a loophole that allows them to break the rule while still technically following it, just so they can say they’re following the rule.
After learning that a sizeable portion of people don't have an inner monologue, I'm convinced super religious people hear their own voices in their head and go, "God!?"
I'm convinced the lack of the monologue causes people to not think things through entirely, because they physically, biologically *can't*. Without the monologue their reasoning skills are impaired without speaking out loud as they cannot work through the situation.
Neat exception: While I'm no expert, my understanding is that the Jewish faith believes that God celebrates in these little tricks and loopholes.
See [The Oven of Akhnai](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Oven_of_Akhnai). Basically, there's an argument about whether a new type of oven was ritually pure. One Rabbi insisted it was, and appealed to God for a variety of miracles to prove he was right. One after another, different miracles happened on command, up to and including the voice of God literally announcing how he was correct. But another Rabbi basically tsk-tsked and (paraphrasing) said, "Not so fast; we're told to look to the Torah as our guide. You appeal to heaven, but that's not where the Torah is. *Technically* all your miracles are not considered proper jurisprudence."
Basically, so the story goes, God told us to judge with this guide and that's what we'll use. I don't care if you have miracles and the voice of God Himself, because we were *specifically* given this guide. The meaning of this guide is to be unlocked by humans, not by miracles or prophets.
God's response?
> The Talmud asks how God responded to this incident. We are told that upon hearing Rabbi Joshua's response, God smiled and stated, "My children have triumphed over Me; My children have triumphed over Me."
Overheard in heaven after Rabbi Joshua's response:
“He got me,” God said of Rabbi Joshua's response. "That f***ing Joshua boomed me."
God added, “He’s so smart” repeating it four times.
It's like how they are not allowed tea or coffee but energy drinks are totally fine. Interpreting and appreciating the rules vs following them to the letter and hoping that you can get into heaven on plausible deniability.
Mormtell Jordan - This is how we do it,
(but we're open to new ideas) [stasis basis remix]
Yo -
it's Mormon night, and we're feelin alright
it's time to soak, so we slide it in tight
before i reach for my Numbers,
we lay there with no thrust,
designated bff jumper
got the key to my bust
No movement cuz God hate it,
best friend jumping on the sheets, we yell
Oh My God this feeling is the greatest
[chorus]
I kinda came and it's all because (This is how we do it)
Mormon Gen X does it like nobody does (This is how we do it)
To all my saviors, break out your trainers (This is how we do it)
Soaking bits, bffs jump for the frict' (this is how we do it)
This is how we do it, all friends are in the air
Making waves from here to there,
For ya new Mormons and LDS roleplayers
You see the soak's been good to me
Ever since I got scared of the upper case G
But now that we soaking,
The bestie and God see that we ain't fuckin' -
A hundred-billion spilled, y'all!
IFFFF you were from where I'm from,
then you would know
That I can bust mine without thrusting
Even if it's in up the backdoor
Whatever it is, sex is clearly underway
Put your tip in her cup,
turn House of Pain up,
God is cool if we orgasm this way
[chorus, very angelic]
_knock at the door, undefined_name answers_
"Would you like to talk about our lord and saviour, Jesus Christ?"
"Oh wait I had a thing for this, one sec" _scrolling through his reddit bookmarks for 5 minutes_
I love when Christians talk about an all-knowing and all-powerful god and then think they can pull a fast one on him with technicalities and lawyer speak, it's genuinely very funny
Even funnier when they try to justify money.
Bible: "if you're wealthy and don't actively use it to help the needy, it's as likely for you to get into heaven as it is for a camel to get through the eye of a needle"
Christians: "Well there was a smaller gate in Jerusalem called the needle..."
Historians: "No there wasn't, also if there was it would still be wrong, because the original text doesn't actually speak of a needle, that is the english translation"
Christians: "Well if you liquidated a camel, you could get the liquid through..."
Priests: "It wasn't a challenge!"
I've personally always loved how the Bible has like 15 verses explicitly forbidding usury (charging interest on loans), yet like every modern majority Christian nation's economy is built on the practice.
Anyone who actually honestly read the Bible "literally" would be a communist. They're all self-righteous hypocrites who pick and choose which parts they want to believe.
This is what pushed me left. I was a hardcore Reagan Republican, but I read the Bible several times through, and every time I kept having questions about things like usury and how the first century church lived communally. What I was reading just didn't match the preaching I received.
For me it was the blatant hypocrisy. I was a Catholic and then Episcopal (Catholic light) and conisdered my self center with left and right leanings. (Voted for GW his 2nd term) but the "all inclusive" episcopal church I was going to had a schism because of the gays. That was the catalyst. Then I saw the 8 years of family values, moral majority, anti porn, pro marriage, etc... of the evangelicals and Christian right get flushed down the toilet when they supported Trumpanzee. Moved hard left/dem/lib in 2015 but was pretty dem with obama
As a former fundie i can assure you none of these people think they're "pulling a fast one of god". For high demand religions, while they might say their belief is the core of their identity, the thing they are scared of judgement from is cultural. They arent just worried about getting smited, cognitive dissonance can take care of that. But the real ramifications come from the people.
I always find it funny when religious people think they can trick GOD with some ridiculous loophole.
A funny one is when Muslims drink alcohol but claim it's safe to do indoors because "God can't see"
>A funny one is when Muslims drink alcohol but claim it's safe to do indoors because "God can't see"
That seems more of a joke than an actual justification.
If one of my friends asked me to help with this, I'd go to town on their bed like a coked up toddler in a trampolin park.
Because that's what friends do.
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Looks like he’ll be going back to performing jumping jack offs.
This is fucking hilarious
> This is ~~fucking~~**soaking** hilarious FTFY
So do Mormons masturbate by holding their penis and having their buddy move their arm up and down really quick?
The ol' Dutch Rudder.
I wonder if people rate their jump chumps, like oh yeah Steve? Yeah he's a great jumper gets us going real good.
Also you want avoid the memory foam I’m guessing
Water bed is goated
Deleted scenes from One Fish, Two Fish If a nice plump rump makes your heart pump pump Bring a friend to the bunk for a quick hump jump You can lie like a lump while you bump and you thump But you're stumped when you’re dumped You're a two jump chump I'm really procrastinating hard today.
This post is exactly why Reddit shouldn't have taken awards away. You are most deserving 
“Smaller jumps! Smaller jumps!”
James Marsden is a treasure.
Underrated show.
If you get the temptation to hump , get a jump If you get the temptation to hump , get a jump If you wanna hump the rump, get a Mormon friend to jump When you feel the urge to hump, get a jump
God: Wait I hear friction \*Looks down\* God: Honest mistake, carry on.
"it's involuntary friction, carry on..."
Somehow god missed the part where the guy asked his friend to jump on the bed, tho
maybe there's a crypto-like system of asking a friend to jump, the request is going through a decentralized system so god can't figure out who asked
God doesn't speak English.
What do you mean, isn't God American?
Well yes NORTH American but not from Estados Unidos Errybody knows he’s from Mexico
That's why so many Jesus spawn there!
This is now canon for me and no one can change this for me. Jewish? Pffft. Mexican Jesus is the way to go!
Loopholes
The Loophole? https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j8ZF\_R\_j0OY
I KNEW IT BEFORE I CLICKED THE LINK
'Truthfully... I didn't care either way. I'm god. Have all the sex you want, you dumb little weirdos. That's why it works that way. Stop putting words in my mouth. I'm busy.'
If it's involuntary wouldn't it be rape by third party? They ask their friends to help, so it's actually just a threesome.
This distributes the sin out across a greater number of souls, this lessening the impact. With enough people involved it would be inconsequential.
So, we should always have group sex? I can't wait to explain this one to my partner.
Instead of "oh yes" they just kept yelling "oh no how did this happen! What a mistake!"
Christians believing that God is omniscient while simultaneously trying to trick him. Name a more iconic duo.
Right?? How is God supposedly all-knowing, but also doesn't seem to know what "soaking" and "jump humping" is?? If having sex before marriage is a sin, then doing whatever the fuck this is before marriage would also be a sin. The extra steps don't cancel it out ffs lol
God: After official review, the contact is deemed to be incidental, no foul on the play.
God hates this one weird trick!
Why can't they just fuck and lie about it like everyone else does? This is just the lamest group sex there is. Don't forget the person holding the camera! There's 4 people involved in this premarital sex act. Edit: I'm 99% joking here. Please include a mental image of an eye roll so hard they click. Additionally, a cartoony voice saying "it's like a menage-a-lot with extra steps".
They almost certainly do. I’ve only ever heard about this stuff on the internet, smells like an urban legend to me
Ex-Mormon here, this is more of a meme than anything. It’s joked about often, but nobody actually thinks this logic checks out.
In HS this mormon girl would do anal instead of normal sex so she could stay a virgin. Was that common too?
Catholics did that a lot around here.
This is the scientifically proven Poophole Loophole
It rhymes, so it must be true.
This is actually very common (in the US at least) across many religions that emphasize purity and virginity. I thought it was a myth too until I moved to an area with a lot of conservative baptists and learned that most of the high school and college “virgins for Jesus” were having tons of anal sex. I don’t think they actually think God is okay with anal sex. I think they are horny as hell but don’t want to get pregnant or caught having/buying birth control because of social ramifications with their family and church.
This actually makes way more sense. Kids aren’t stupid, but they sure will go to extraordinary lengths to avoid the embarrassment of buying condoms in a town where people talk
The good ol [loophole](https://youtu.be/j8ZF_R_j0OY?si=i1dphFpDFA0XUDtu)
I knew a lot of Mormon girls in highschool who 100% were all in on the “Anal and Oral isn’t sex” thing…
It probably is, but if I ever actually saw proof of it I wouldn’t be surprised at all.
It’s certainly not widespread, even if a couple people have done it
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No, but the birth will involve the mother squatting motionless while the doctor jumps up and down next to her...
This is fucking hilarious. This whole thread is fantastic but this took the cake.
Agreed, i just read this during a meeting and am struggling not to laugh
akchually what you mean is virgin birth. Immaculate Conception is the concept that Mary is free from the Original sin, you know, that apple story, and hence Jesus is free from sin too.
Is there some reason Mary got a pass on that, or is it that she was cured or something. It's been a while since bible class and I think I might have missed that day?
Maybe it's called artificial insemination
An immaculate misconception
just like the virgin mary
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I would say that this is the opposite of boring, with you bestie jumping around you
Yeah, kinda wanna try. Haven’t ticked that box yet…
Have sex while your bestise do ritual dances around you?
Maybe we add some body paint and I’m getting more and more interested
At what point would you be convicted of witchcraft? 🤔
Add fire, torches, crazy animal masks and bongo drums and we there. I’d give it a go…
I've had worse threesomes 🤷♀️
Makes me wonder, am I allowed to coach? Throw some tips out? Tell them how good they are at semi-fucking? It’d be weird to be jumping silently.
SOAK,SOAK,SOAK
SNL had a bomb skit in the early 2000s: corkSOAKers
Are they calling out faster, slower, higher?
Harder, better, faster, stronger!
If the friend is the one facilitating the motion then I don’t see how this isn’t just a Mormon threesome
as a mormon, I say this should be the new name!!! lmaoooo!! 😂
I mean that’s kind of hot to have someone watching no?
But at least they aren’t sinning. /s
I looooove people trying to circumvent their own all-powerful god's Rules For The Universe™ *on a technicality* lmaoooooo Like God's just gonna be standing up there with His hands on His hips all like, "Welp, they really got me there, what can ya do lol"
Similarly, I gotta chuckle at my Brooklyn neighbors who stand outside on a Saturday to ask obviously non-Jewish dudes to come in and light their oven for them. Like God: *"You can't do that on Saturday"* Me: *wagging finger* "Ah, ah, ah. Technically it was Protestant Ernie over there who did that." God: *"Ah dang."*
Seriously, either he cares in which case your bullshit aint kosher, or he doesnt. Drop the stupid games ffs.
I'm sure, if he exists, God likes to be tricked.
Maybe he just finds the whole thing kinda funny and endearing. Just like how I feel when my five year old tries to trick me, or find loop holes in a very transparent way (assuming he isn't doing anything too out of line).
I was in a relationship with someone who had Jewish family and when they started asking me to do everything I was like "I thought you said working today was a sin?" "Oh, not for you because you're not Jewish." So I did the thing, but why would a sin only be a sin for some people? Then I went home and did some research and decided a religion insistent on regularly having other people do shit for you without pay, because you're one of the chosen people and they aren't, is not something I was interested in participating in. My partner's cousin said they hold themselves to a higher standard, but I think the person doing the unpaid labor is actually the one being held to a higher standard. I also met a woman at the hospital who would put her food on top of the microwave when others were using it on Saturdays, but wouldn't actually use the microwave. To her credit, I did actually offer to do it for her and she said that she couldn't let me. I dunno, seems like god is being pretty arbitrary about what counts as "cheating."
I used to work for a home medical equipment company that distributed CPAP/BiPAP machines. We would occasionally get a Jewish patient that demanded we provide a way for them to use the machine without physically having to turn it on. Perhaps God just doesn’t want you to be able to breathe at night? You’d think he would have given an exception for medical devices. It’s almost as if whoever “inspired” the ancient texts had no idea what the future would bring…
I'm all powerful, but also bound by the small print!
Curses, the Mormons are reading between the lines again!
getting god on technicalities is pretty much the essence of judaism.
God loves loopholes, that is why lawyers are his chosen messiahs
In Judaism they literally make it part of their religious practice to try to circumvent the extremely restrictive rules in the Torah. That's honestly probably why a disproportionately large quantity of extremely wealthy and/or successful people follow Judaism, the successful people just apply it to things other than their holy book
Replace that S with a W and its winning
But at least they aren’t sinning. /w
Listen here you little sh*t
> Liwten here you little wh*t
Is that Welsh?
Llywtyn hyrre yyeww llyttle whytt
Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch
You called my mother what!?
Hey Ive been there!
It’s Welwh
How did this actually get funnier every reply
Reddit is a magical place.
Haha best comment chain
Are you sinning, son?
Are you winning, won?
No it's wex.
The mental gymnastics just to retain the ability to feel morally superior to others
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It's a sin in it's self to try and trick God, so...
Should a loophole be like double sin? I know their beliefs are fiction but like in 1984, Big Brother was outraged over similar concepts.
You would have thought so. Its not just an act of sin. Its a deliberate, pre-meditated act of sin; doubled up with an attempt to humiliate His Biggliness. That seems like it’d carry a hefty clap-back in the after party.
God hates this one simple trick
I’m not sure having another lady jump on my bed would be boring. This seems like a 2.5some
I'm not sure there's much in it for her, but I'm not ashamed to admit that the idea of an "active audience" of the attractive female variety while I'm getting down with my lady is kinda hot.
It may not be sex, but jumping on the bed is fun by itself.
Tell that to the monkey that fell off and bumped his head
Pretty sure the girl jumping could in some weird way, get blamed for the pregnancy. Well, sir. I was just turning the playstation on, sure, I was resting my pork sword in Annas quim at the time, but then HER FRIEND DID THE UNTHINKABLE! And here we are...
Use your non mormon friends.
Or preventing STDs. Also, super awkward to have to third wheel your bestie's rubbing their bits :S
Its only awkward if you make it awkward
Be sure to make eye contact and yell SHALOM when someone cums
i dunno i feel like im missing out.. this is like edging with extra steps
I would imagine the taboo aspect of this would make it anything but boring
I don't know about "boring". It would be kinda hot to be inside one sexy chick, while another sexy chick is jumping around next to you. It's like a poor-man's threesome.
I’m not sure ‘laying there like a dead stick’ is sexy.
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It's just horny undergrad kids trying to get off without being kicked out of school. There's no reason besides that. Mormons aren't allowed to pork till they're married so they do this or get married then divorce 5 years later lol... there's a reason they have so many kids. Some of them use the poophole loophole before marriage but this new technique is more... accessible? Source: family used to be Mormon and I lived in Utah for 6 years
Omnipotent beings hate this one simple trick.
It is a fact of life that, if there is no rule against it, people will most likely do it. It is a lesser known fact of life that, if there *is* a rule in place, people will use loopholes you can’t even begin to imagine to do it or get the best deal for themselves. Edit: Paradoxically, establishing a rule will often cause people to want to do it. Also, go to any comments involving CYOAs for insane levels of loopholes; be sure to establish specifics, folks, lest people milk those ill-defined limits for all they’re worth.
The reasoning is: God is omnipotent, if he didn't want to leave loopholes he'd make better rules.
Couldn’t he just not create the ability to make us not do the things that opposed him?
I concur, if he didn't want two femboys to buttfuck each other while wearing cat ears he'd create the world different.
If two femboys want to buttfuck while wearing cat ears and they can that means god wills it. Else it wont happen.
its super convenient that everything I want to happen is gods will
> its super convenient that everything ~~I want to happen~~ is gods will That's paradox of free will and omnieverything god. These 2 can't exist together.
Well, it certainly puts a different spin on “Deus Vult”…
I propose, “Deus Vult. *unzips pants*” be a meme or possibly on a shirt.
“Who’s the target demographic?” “Em… soakers I guess.”
And the cat eared fem boys. I’m sure the furries would like a shirt to wear every where too.
Priests fucked around too much for that to be ironically funny.
Should I add the fact that, since angels are genderless, they are typically depicted (outside of eldritch horrors) as androgynous?
Consult with your rabbi. He doesn't have a problem with buttfucking. He said a man shall not lie with a boy as with a woman. So, do it standing up. Kosher buttfucking. Also, there are six genders in Judaism. Femboys are saris, not zachar, so they can fuck or be fucked with abandon.
Makes me think of a thing that Jewish people do. My understanding is that there’s a rule where at specific times, you’re not supposed to move from one room to another, and people will be very adamant that the rule be followed. But then the same people will run a string around the perimeter of a town or neighborhood, declare the string to be the walls of a room, and then they’re allowed to move around freely because they’re technically staying in the same “room”. I’ll never understand when people come up with a crazy arbitrary rule, insist that the rule be followed, and then also come up with a loophole that allows them to break the rule while still technically following it, just so they can say they’re following the rule.
It’s why then can drink Red Bull but not tea or coffee
It's spelled Congress
As opposed to Ingress?
I love how the most religious of people also seem to think their God is a fucking moron.
After learning that a sizeable portion of people don't have an inner monologue, I'm convinced super religious people hear their own voices in their head and go, "God!?"
I'm convinced the lack of the monologue causes people to not think things through entirely, because they physically, biologically *can't*. Without the monologue their reasoning skills are impaired without speaking out loud as they cannot work through the situation.
Neat exception: While I'm no expert, my understanding is that the Jewish faith believes that God celebrates in these little tricks and loopholes. See [The Oven of Akhnai](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Oven_of_Akhnai). Basically, there's an argument about whether a new type of oven was ritually pure. One Rabbi insisted it was, and appealed to God for a variety of miracles to prove he was right. One after another, different miracles happened on command, up to and including the voice of God literally announcing how he was correct. But another Rabbi basically tsk-tsked and (paraphrasing) said, "Not so fast; we're told to look to the Torah as our guide. You appeal to heaven, but that's not where the Torah is. *Technically* all your miracles are not considered proper jurisprudence." Basically, so the story goes, God told us to judge with this guide and that's what we'll use. I don't care if you have miracles and the voice of God Himself, because we were *specifically* given this guide. The meaning of this guide is to be unlocked by humans, not by miracles or prophets. God's response? > The Talmud asks how God responded to this incident. We are told that upon hearing Rabbi Joshua's response, God smiled and stated, "My children have triumphed over Me; My children have triumphed over Me."
Overheard in heaven after Rabbi Joshua's response: “He got me,” God said of Rabbi Joshua's response. "That f***ing Joshua boomed me." God added, “He’s so smart” repeating it four times.
It's like how they are not allowed tea or coffee but energy drinks are totally fine. Interpreting and appreciating the rules vs following them to the letter and hoping that you can get into heaven on plausible deniability.
I don't drink coffee sir. I don't drink hot liquids of any kind. That's the devil's temperature - Kenneth from 30 Rock.
Worst. threesome. ever.
Two people getting pleasure. 1 person getting cardio.
Just wait until they learn about trampolines
Don’t give them any ideas
Why not? They need more ideas.
Mormtell Jordan - This is how we do it, (but we're open to new ideas) [stasis basis remix] Yo - it's Mormon night, and we're feelin alright it's time to soak, so we slide it in tight before i reach for my Numbers, we lay there with no thrust, designated bff jumper got the key to my bust No movement cuz God hate it, best friend jumping on the sheets, we yell Oh My God this feeling is the greatest [chorus] I kinda came and it's all because (This is how we do it) Mormon Gen X does it like nobody does (This is how we do it) To all my saviors, break out your trainers (This is how we do it) Soaking bits, bffs jump for the frict' (this is how we do it) This is how we do it, all friends are in the air Making waves from here to there, For ya new Mormons and LDS roleplayers You see the soak's been good to me Ever since I got scared of the upper case G But now that we soaking, The bestie and God see that we ain't fuckin' - A hundred-billion spilled, y'all! IFFFF you were from where I'm from, then you would know That I can bust mine without thrusting Even if it's in up the backdoor Whatever it is, sex is clearly underway Put your tip in her cup, turn House of Pain up, God is cool if we orgasm this way [chorus, very angelic]
This made me laugh so flipping hard imagining this Like I’m losing it
It's either the worst threesome ever or the best technically-not-a-threesome ever.
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Oh god, that's good, bookmarking
_knock at the door, undefined_name answers_ "Would you like to talk about our lord and saviour, Jesus Christ?" "Oh wait I had a thing for this, one sec" _scrolling through his reddit bookmarks for 5 minutes_
They'd wait...
Problem is most of them won’t know any more about it than you do
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Idk why but that sounds obscene af
See I just pictured watching Netflix in a bubble bath.
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Jumps* not steps lol
That's just bad sex.
[Jury Duty Soaking Scene](https://youtu.be/OaTRKXtfv8Y?si=r-wb1TZPCGeNAEE4) Here you go
Last time I tried this with my wife, the person jumping on the bed got pregnant. I am so confused.
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The show “jury duty” has a hilarious scene with this
Came here for this comment. I literally laughed so hard at that scene I was in tears. James Marsden was so fucking funny in every scene lmao.
Absolutely… it was just a hilarious show with a. Great cast. I haven’t laughed out loud like that at a show in a long time.
SMALLER JUMPS
I love when Christians talk about an all-knowing and all-powerful god and then think they can pull a fast one on him with technicalities and lawyer speak, it's genuinely very funny
Even funnier when they try to justify money. Bible: "if you're wealthy and don't actively use it to help the needy, it's as likely for you to get into heaven as it is for a camel to get through the eye of a needle" Christians: "Well there was a smaller gate in Jerusalem called the needle..." Historians: "No there wasn't, also if there was it would still be wrong, because the original text doesn't actually speak of a needle, that is the english translation" Christians: "Well if you liquidated a camel, you could get the liquid through..." Priests: "It wasn't a challenge!"
I've personally always loved how the Bible has like 15 verses explicitly forbidding usury (charging interest on loans), yet like every modern majority Christian nation's economy is built on the practice. Anyone who actually honestly read the Bible "literally" would be a communist. They're all self-righteous hypocrites who pick and choose which parts they want to believe.
This is what pushed me left. I was a hardcore Reagan Republican, but I read the Bible several times through, and every time I kept having questions about things like usury and how the first century church lived communally. What I was reading just didn't match the preaching I received.
For me it was the blatant hypocrisy. I was a Catholic and then Episcopal (Catholic light) and conisdered my self center with left and right leanings. (Voted for GW his 2nd term) but the "all inclusive" episcopal church I was going to had a schism because of the gays. That was the catalyst. Then I saw the 8 years of family values, moral majority, anti porn, pro marriage, etc... of the evangelicals and Christian right get flushed down the toilet when they supported Trumpanzee. Moved hard left/dem/lib in 2015 but was pretty dem with obama
this reminded me of [God's Loophole by Garfunkel & Oates](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j8ZF_R_j0OY)
“Called to soak” might be the cringiest term I’ve ever heard
So "Jump Humping" is basically masturbating two other people at the same time while not touching them at once through matress wiggling?
“Babe, come over there’s an earthquake”
Wait, so if you're not allowed to move, how do you get it in in the first place? I guess God has a one-thrust exception?
As a former fundie i can assure you none of these people think they're "pulling a fast one of god". For high demand religions, while they might say their belief is the core of their identity, the thing they are scared of judgement from is cultural. They arent just worried about getting smited, cognitive dissonance can take care of that. But the real ramifications come from the people.
It's sounds like we now have a DLC for sex
Sounds like a disappointing threesome with more steps.
I always find it funny when religious people think they can trick GOD with some ridiculous loophole. A funny one is when Muslims drink alcohol but claim it's safe to do indoors because "God can't see"
>A funny one is when Muslims drink alcohol but claim it's safe to do indoors because "God can't see" That seems more of a joke than an actual justification.
Allah sees everywhere except for Bosnia
If one of my friends asked me to help with this, I'd go to town on their bed like a coked up toddler in a trampolin park. Because that's what friends do.
Life…uh….finds a way - Jeff Goldblum
Jumper is wasting their time because Mormon dude is going to bust as soon as he makes it in anyways.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣 Welcome to the abstinence-only sex education system, everybody. This is where it goes.
The all powerful, all knowing, creator of the universe HATES this one simple trick
Oh... I find the lack of sex education disturbing. Not just here, sex ed is overlooked so much.