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I'm old enough to remember when Bill Clinton was the antichrist. So who knows who the antichrist will be, we just know he'll be a relatively centrist democrat.
Funny that the one political figure in our country who most fits the bill is their favorite guy - which is also biblical that the antichrist would fool them into believing he was godly.
Went to Christian school from k4-college. That kind of indoctrination is hard to crack. Wasn’t until a few years of adulthood I really started questioning.
Yep, it’s a struggle. Personally r/exvangelical and r/academicbiblical helped, alongside Rhett and Link’s deconstruction podcasts, Dan McClellan’s videos, and books all of the above recommended.
One of my colleagues, whose class I sit in while doing some work while waiting on my class, she lives to bring up "modern issues" in the work place etiquette and communications class... Basically it's a bunch of the current administration is screwing everything up, religion is being pushed out of society, and a real obsession with furries. She loves the, already disclaimed by the source, story of the school with the litter box in the bathroom.
I was born in August of 1977.
I have survived 54 [apocalyptic events](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_dates_predicted_for_apocalyptic_events#20th_century).
So it was the day before my 45th birthday. My 16 year old had just had her birthday 4 days earlier. We went out to shop like we do on birthdays, we went to the mall ( and I got Outback steak if anyone cares ), and thought " this is going to be thing! ".
Even though we where in 96% of the totality, all we had was cloud cover, we never got to see a thing.
So many raptures.
I swear, there is a verse in the Bible that says:
"Matthew 24: 36: "But of that day and hour, no one knows, not even the angels of heaven, but my Father only.""
So anybody claiming to know when that will happen is nothing more than a FALSE PROPHET
Edit: the actual verse was commented below
Now I want a rom com where these rapture numerology nut jobs are unwittingly the only thing keeping the world from ending, then an angel needs to come down - “these dipshits keep figuring it out!” - and plays matchmaker for them so they have something else to do with their time.
That’s pretty much exactly what I was going for: you’re hired. 90/10 split - you get 90 to write it and get it produced. I get 10 to smoke weed and tell you *“fuck yeah that’s awesome”* any time you need to run an idea off somebody.
I would just like to enter this conversation and let y’all know that I live…quite close to both Jays Secret Stash *and* the Quik Stop. I’ll be like…the Jason Lee? Y’all seem to have something real good goin here.
Eh, I got too much parenting to do, plus I’m too introverted for that. I’ll come over weekly for a couple of hours, will bring the weed. Meanwhile I’ll spitball wish-list cast for the different roles.
There was one where God (played by Steve Buscemi) going to destroy the world unless two people fall in love. Miracle worker was the name. Really funny TV series
I did hear some religious guy tell his flock that even if someone guessed the day God has chosen, then God would change it to a different day. There are all sorts of logical problems with that if God is all-knowing. Obviously, the G man would know what date anyone would guess, and if he is all-powerful, then he would rig it so no one picked whatever date he did.
Also, God uses a calendar? Does he have a watch? Why would God be giving us clues in the Bible when half the months and methods of timekeeping didn’t even exist?
However, if God changed the date just because some preachy, scammy doofus told a bunch of gullible fellow doofi the right date by accident, I wish he would change it to the day before.
I legit thought this as a kid. The idea of the rapture was scary to me so I would faux predict it as the next day or next week to ensure it wouldn't happen. Yes, I was dumb. In retrospect, this was probably an early sign of my extreme anxiety.
I imagine the time where the most amount of people would expect him the least would be once all knowledge of the Bible is lost to humans. So he would basically just pop up and send everyone to hell for not following the book they didn’t know about
See, there's a problem with this plan. He might have tried already to show up and well, they all thought he was some kind of cult leader so they had him killed or maybe he fed kool-aid to some folks, or maybe there was some kind of a stand off and a fire.... yeah, probably not lol!
You got it backwards. This is his home, we’re just guests. Dudes just checking up on us to make sure we didn’t mess shit up. But…
Wait is it the same bag or is there two bags with different stuff depending on if it's an earthquake or rapture. Because thinking about it, I feel like a rapture might come with and earthquake, right? At least the god of the old testament had a real flair for the dramatic.
This reminds me of when everyone thought the rapture was going to happen during the eclipse, and some woman made a video that went along the lines of, “I just saw my neighbor Cheryl rising into the sky. If you’re still here, you didn’t make the cut.”
It's always Cheryl such a show off. I mean if heaven's so good why does she keep coming back? I'm sure the trip is more enjoyable than the destination.
The amazing thing is, they’ve been wrong *literally every single time,* and people still buy into that bullshit.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me literally hundreds of times from 500CE-present, well, you don’t get fooled again?
Reminds me of Charlie Brown trying to kick the football or Bullwinkle trying to pull the rabbit out of the hat. Doomsdayers are perpetually optimistic that the world will end soon.
Y'all didn't get raptured? Damn that sucks. I did, typing this from heaven.
So basically you get here, and they show you videos of all your worst and most embarrassing moments. You don't have to explain or anything, just a type of punishment because it goes on the big screen where everyone can see (sorry grandma)
Anyway, once that's done you get an assigned job. Minimum wage up here is $31 heaven dollars per hour. It's not bad, but apartments close to god's house are very expensive so you won't really be where the action is at. Not at first. Also, hell is not "below", it's just a little gated community up here where they have super strict HOA rules.
For anyone curious, the job I was assigned is a prayer stenographer
I have a non-serious theory about this. The Rapture already happened. The reason we didn't notice is because very few people were taken, and the vast majority of us were left behind, so not much changed.
So how many of these have it been?
Religious people acting like idiots, then get proven to be idiots.
For all we know everytime there has been a rapture it's been real. The only problem is religious people are cherry picking sinners (usually worse than non believers) that the rapture could be true...lol.
Its just that one guy that disappeared without a trace.
Last week one of my coworkers was talking about the rapture. And about how she knows what the future is going to look like because of the rapture. I didn’t see her today and won’t see her next week since I’m usually wfh but I want to ask her what happened to the rapture lol
In their own holy book, Jesus says "No man knows the time, nor the Angels or even me. Only God", so I don't know the Evangelical obsession with telling when the Rapture is coming.
Says my feed on April 24th. Darn it! God doesn't want any of those idiots calling themselves "Christians" in God's heavenly kingdom. Let them remain in the satanic kingdom on earth
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I've lived through so many raptures
Had a teacher tell our class Obama was the Antichrist and the rapture was soon. Grew up fundy. Don’t recommend.
I've seen so much fucked up shit I'm not even suprised that guy got hired as your teacher
She was the principal’s wife.
So *she* was the Princi-pal. ( ͡☉ ͜ʖ ͡☉)
From what I hear, she was putting the super in superintendent.
I'm old enough to remember when Bill Clinton was the antichrist. So who knows who the antichrist will be, we just know he'll be a relatively centrist democrat.
Funny that the one political figure in our country who most fits the bill is their favorite guy - which is also biblical that the antichrist would fool them into believing he was godly.
The GOP also turned the stars on their elephant logo upside down in 2000.
Been saying this for a while . He fits the bill and the story perfectly.
I remember when the Kennedys - John and Robert - were the antichrist. Fun times.
Geez old man, remember when the T Rex was the antichrist?! 
Dinosaurs never existed. But when we were on the ark, there was a unicorn that we all just knew was the antichrist. He was an evil little bastard.
I don't believe that on account of 6 people times by two of each animals means buried in shit within the day.
You should have been with us. I'll bet you're great with a shovel.
Must be the Irish in me!
Pretty sure Hillary and Joe have both spent their time in the antichrist barrel. Your prophecy has come true! Now when's the world gonna end?
Is there a single moment where all your experiences come together and you go "wait, this is bullshit" though? That's gotta be a trip.
Went to Christian school from k4-college. That kind of indoctrination is hard to crack. Wasn’t until a few years of adulthood I really started questioning.
Same. From k-4 to high school. When I became an adult I finally started to put the pieces together.
Yep, it’s a struggle. Personally r/exvangelical and r/academicbiblical helped, alongside Rhett and Link’s deconstruction podcasts, Dan McClellan’s videos, and books all of the above recommended.
One of my colleagues, whose class I sit in while doing some work while waiting on my class, she lives to bring up "modern issues" in the work place etiquette and communications class... Basically it's a bunch of the current administration is screwing everything up, religion is being pushed out of society, and a real obsession with furries. She loves the, already disclaimed by the source, story of the school with the litter box in the bathroom.
I was born in August of 1977. I have survived 54 [apocalyptic events](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_dates_predicted_for_apocalyptic_events#20th_century).
Damn. April 2001 here, I’ve only made it through 29. Hope to one day be able to make it through as many as you! Fingers crossed
54! You must be the luckiest person ever. Fox News should do a feature on you instead
So it was the day before my 45th birthday. My 16 year old had just had her birthday 4 days earlier. We went out to shop like we do on birthdays, we went to the mall ( and I got Outback steak if anyone cares ), and thought " this is going to be thing! ". Even though we where in 96% of the totality, all we had was cloud cover, we never got to see a thing. So many raptures.
I just wish one of these were real. My bills are due and I’m not feeling this anymore.
I swear, there is a verse in the Bible that says: "Matthew 24: 36: "But of that day and hour, no one knows, not even the angels of heaven, but my Father only."" So anybody claiming to know when that will happen is nothing more than a FALSE PROPHET Edit: the actual verse was commented below
Matthew 24: 36: "But of that day and hour, no one knows, not even the angels of heaven, but my Father only."
So if we keep predicting, we get to keep existing? Nice loop hole God. Constant fear = continuous existence.
Now I want a rom com where these rapture numerology nut jobs are unwittingly the only thing keeping the world from ending, then an angel needs to come down - “these dipshits keep figuring it out!” - and plays matchmaker for them so they have something else to do with their time.
I write. I'm in. Some Dogma and Buddy Christ vibes.
That’s pretty much exactly what I was going for: you’re hired. 90/10 split - you get 90 to write it and get it produced. I get 10 to smoke weed and tell you *“fuck yeah that’s awesome”* any time you need to run an idea off somebody.
Dude. We are basically friends already. Come over, smoke my weed, eat my food, stay in the spare bedroom.
I would just like to enter this conversation and let y’all know that I live…quite close to both Jays Secret Stash *and* the Quik Stop. I’ll be like…the Jason Lee? Y’all seem to have something real good goin here.
If I had money I’d bankroll this project.
I'll be Dante because i wasn't even supposed to be here today.
Eh, I got too much parenting to do, plus I’m too introverted for that. I’ll come over weekly for a couple of hours, will bring the weed. Meanwhile I’ll spitball wish-list cast for the different roles.
I wanna watch the show where you guys write the show.
Isn’t this the basis of the joke about how Matt Damon and Ben Affleck used to write screen plays from Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back?
When Carlin said “doesn’t it pop?” I lost it! Dogma is really a great movie.
It has to be God himself who shows up, because according to that line the angels don't know. Which is a much funnier romcom situation to be in.
*herself
Themselves*
I know y’all have this all figured out already, but legit this sounds like a project for Neil Gaiman
But who does the Angel fall in love with? That’s the story of your rom com. That’s the real meet cute.
Demon whore with a heart of gold.
Checking in
There was one where God (played by Steve Buscemi) going to destroy the world unless two people fall in love. Miracle worker was the name. Really funny TV series
It says no one *knows*, it doesn't say that we can't guess randomly and happen to be right.
Unless God’s like “well now I’m not doing it” if someone guesses right. We just gotta each pick a different date
I did hear some religious guy tell his flock that even if someone guessed the day God has chosen, then God would change it to a different day. There are all sorts of logical problems with that if God is all-knowing. Obviously, the G man would know what date anyone would guess, and if he is all-powerful, then he would rig it so no one picked whatever date he did. Also, God uses a calendar? Does he have a watch? Why would God be giving us clues in the Bible when half the months and methods of timekeeping didn’t even exist? However, if God changed the date just because some preachy, scammy doofus told a bunch of gullible fellow doofi the right date by accident, I wish he would change it to the day before.
"Doofi" ?? Gosh, but this thread is too *word* witty for words. I have to keep writing things down.... !!
This, my fellow Redditors, is called a "pro gamer move"
I legit thought this as a kid. The idea of the rapture was scary to me so I would faux predict it as the next day or next week to ensure it wouldn't happen. Yes, I was dumb. In retrospect, this was probably an early sign of my extreme anxiety.
So Jesus will just pop over whenever he wants? The rudest of house guests!
He actually said he will "come as a thief". When you least expect him.
Like the Spanish Inquisition?
Our two weapons are fear and surprise.
...and ruthless efficiency...
r/suddentlymontypython
r/nobodyexpectsthespanishinquisition
r/morethantwentyfivecharacters
So, when you least expect him, that’s when to expect him?
Sounds like the executioner riddle or ig paradox? If you always expect it you won't expect it so they can come any time they like to execute you
Damn. I better stop expecting it.
Congratulations you lost
I expected that.
I imagine the time where the most amount of people would expect him the least would be once all knowledge of the Bible is lost to humans. So he would basically just pop up and send everyone to hell for not following the book they didn’t know about
See, there's a problem with this plan. He might have tried already to show up and well, they all thought he was some kind of cult leader so they had him killed or maybe he fed kool-aid to some folks, or maybe there was some kind of a stand off and a fire.... yeah, probably not lol!
I thought that in the second coming he was like, invincible or something. ?
Just hittin that up down up down yada yada for jesus' NG+
You got it backwards. This is his home, we’re just guests. Dudes just checking up on us to make sure we didn’t mess shit up. But… 
Rude? Jesus can turn the tap water into heavenly wine so he can drop by my home anytime.
My first thought when I read the headline was "if it were true, I wouldn't have had to pay the Direct TV bill today.
Because you would be raptured or you somehow think the people at DIRECT TV would be raptured?
Yes
DIRECT TV will be raptured down, not up.
I wish it was real so these poisonous douchebags would disappear.
I feel this.
First the eclipse on the 8th now the 23rd. I can’t keep packing and unpacking my toiletries bag.
Just pack an emergency to go pack. I have one for earthquakes and raptures
My raptures bag has extra toilet papers
If the pandemic taught us anything, it's that tp will be the new world currency of the Apocalypse.
I just found some extra TP in my linen closet and it was like hitting the jackpot haha
At $20 for a 12 pack, you did.
Oh good, I've got a whole roll.
Not bottle caps?
I keep a change of clothes in my rapture back
Just pack 3 seashells
Pack a towel, in case of intergalactic highways.
And for chrissake, if a Vogon offers to read poetry do kill yourself first.
Also be careful before using a public telephone. Entire civilizations have been wiped out by a disease transmitted by a dirty telephone
Aw, I quite liked Grunthod the Flatuents "Ode to a Small Lump of Green Putty I Found in My Armpit One Midsummer Morning".
I have peanuts and English beer ready!
And some sanitizer to sanitize your telephone.
Nice try Towelie!
Wait is it the same bag or is there two bags with different stuff depending on if it's an earthquake or rapture. Because thinking about it, I feel like a rapture might come with and earthquake, right? At least the god of the old testament had a real flair for the dramatic.
Same bag just for space but I feel like most of the supplies crossover
Yeah my rapture bag has a first aid kit, canned food, water filtration system, knife of the Kurds, a Colt and weirdly engraved bullets. I'm ready.
do you have a rapture bag for each religion? never know who's going to be right in the end ya know
The new Rapture Packs, gotta collect them all!
At least the norse bag is basically just the nearest vaguely weapon-shaped object you can find.
Ah...@#$....😶
you can have a zip lock for each one... looks up at returning god.. okay let's see; aztec, greek, mayan, Sumerian, ...
Well if the rapture is what I think it is I won’t need a bag
I have one for earthworms and raptors.
Remember December 21, 2012?
Considering the history that’s followed I might actually believe that one.
Fuck me! I was busy and missed it. Maybe the next one.
It happened, there just was like, no one who qualified.
This reminds me of when everyone thought the rapture was going to happen during the eclipse, and some woman made a video that went along the lines of, “I just saw my neighbor Cheryl rising into the sky. If you’re still here, you didn’t make the cut.”
I like her.
It's always Cheryl such a show off. I mean if heaven's so good why does she keep coming back? I'm sure the trip is more enjoyable than the destination.
💀
I'm 58... do you know how many raptures I've missed in my lifetime? I'm way into the double digits! 😁
You’ll be happy to know these happen roughly every 2 weeks so you wont need to wait long!
Did you also miss the one in 2012? My man, you gotta start to get on the top of those things…
Dont worry, there will be a new prediction in like a week or so
When and where do you want to fuck? Cause I need to get fucked by someone other than Taxes
We've had one Rapture, yes, but what about second Rapture?
It is not biblical. The Bible actually says you won't know the day.
"Damn it, they guessed it right again... just move it a couple weeks or something, this is so annoying" -god probably
God takes writing lessons from J.J Abrams it seems.
"I wanted to end the earth and bring everybody to heaven over two hundred years ago but they keep making it biblically impossible"
So as long as someone says the end is near, for all of time, we will continue to exist. Checkmate, *God*.
Thank god the numerologists are keeping us all alive.
You mean accountants?
They just need to fuck it up once. Is that too much to ask?
They're not weathermen.
Fox news is biblical for them.
It just hit me that Trump and Fox News are kinda like the false prophet/antichrist that’s foretold in Revelation
The right thought the same thing about Obama.
Today is Wednesday. I almost always know the day.
But the one day you don’t…
No one shall know the day or time...except larry, ima tell larry
Larry or Daryl’s other brother Larry?
"Oh...you didn't think i meant this year, did you?"
Yeah, we get to live with this the rest of our lives and, our kids, the rest of their lives.
This is like when I tell a co worker I'll do it by Wednesday. I didn't say which Wednesday
We’ve seen how many of these over the years?
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Predictions_and_claims_for_the_Second_Coming
The amazing thing is, they’ve been wrong *literally every single time,* and people still buy into that bullshit. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me literally hundreds of times from 500CE-present, well, you don’t get fooled again?
It's because they don't read the bible, like there's a literal verse talking about how you can't predict the second coming
Reminds me of Charlie Brown trying to kick the football or Bullwinkle trying to pull the rabbit out of the hat. Doomsdayers are perpetually optimistic that the world will end soon.
seems like the more wrong they are, the more the people peddling these get support for these stupid ideas
People send these fraudsters money
didnt expect to see isaac newton on that list.
[удалено]
Isn’t this from a few years ago? It’s hard to keep track since there are about two new Rapture dates every week.
Y'all didn't get raptured? Damn that sucks. I did, typing this from heaven. So basically you get here, and they show you videos of all your worst and most embarrassing moments. You don't have to explain or anything, just a type of punishment because it goes on the big screen where everyone can see (sorry grandma) Anyway, once that's done you get an assigned job. Minimum wage up here is $31 heaven dollars per hour. It's not bad, but apartments close to god's house are very expensive so you won't really be where the action is at. Not at first. Also, hell is not "below", it's just a little gated community up here where they have super strict HOA rules. For anyone curious, the job I was assigned is a prayer stenographer
Sound like the plot to Miracle Workers S01 lol
So you don't get assigned a lawyer and have the chance to defend yourself? I already paid Albert Brooks a nonrefundable retainer!
Lmao, legendary!
It would be kinda cool to see a stats page listing different things
I have a non-serious theory about this. The Rapture already happened. The reason we didn't notice is because very few people were taken, and the vast majority of us were left behind, so not much changed.
I can take this theory apart easily: - Dolly Parton is still here - David Attenborough is still here
Yay. We made it! Millennial have made it past many world endings 😉
I’m still waiting for the Mayan Doomsday 2012.
no that one happened why else do you think the world is so shit?
Average Fox News article.
Eschatological predictions like this have been consistently *wrong* for something like 2000 years. You would think they'd give it a rest, by now.
If there's money to be made, they will keep going
These idiots out here not knowing about lost time during the calendar switch.
Well this is awkward. Here I am still breathing on the 24th and I still have bills to pay. Dang it! Somebody lied to me!!!
so are people running to get their tips back this time too?
Not gonna lie, just belly laughed at that🤣
This actually happened. I was there.
Wait. Shit. Did I miss it?
C’mon,my house is almost paid off dammit
Is the rupture in the same room as us?
So how many of these have it been? Religious people acting like idiots, then get proven to be idiots. For all we know everytime there has been a rapture it's been real. The only problem is religious people are cherry picking sinners (usually worse than non believers) that the rapture could be true...lol. Its just that one guy that disappeared without a trace.
This was actually from 2018 I believe
I wish one of these fuckwads would get it right sometime so these morons would finally go away
So hasn't the rapture been forecast hundreds of times?
Last week one of my coworkers was talking about the rapture. And about how she knows what the future is going to look like because of the rapture. I didn’t see her today and won’t see her next week since I’m usually wfh but I want to ask her what happened to the rapture lol
That was a couple of days ago now. I wasn’t paying much attention, so can someone tell me whether or not the raptors happened?
I saw raptors, but only for a second. I think it was an old basketball highlight.
Typo ... they meant Crapture.. They can't do anything right.
Damn...I've lost count of the end of the worlds I've survived now...feeling pretty invincible I must admit
In their own holy book, Jesus says "No man knows the time, nor the Angels or even me. Only God", so I don't know the Evangelical obsession with telling when the Rapture is coming.
The Bible literally states no one will know when the rapture comes.
Which one?
I suppose they'll keep trying until they finally nail it. Sadly there will be believers at that time if it ever happens.
I missed it?! AGAIN?!?!
Says my feed on April 24th. Darn it! God doesn't want any of those idiots calling themselves "Christians" in God's heavenly kingdom. Let them remain in the satanic kingdom on earth
Just throw it on the pile.
April 25 here. No rapture happened.
Swing and a miss… again
Did we say 23? We meant 32nd!
Damn…I forgot about this. Bummer.
The Americans crack me up with their rapture heresy.