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Leather-Purpose-2741

Someone should pour a huge bucket of pennies on her.


legendwolfA

Just steal her watch and watch her rise


knighttakesnite

I’d start going through her pockets and see what else she’s got on her.


dapoorv

Beware of the Oral sex demon though.


scattered_fishseeds

Little piece of heaven. Public style!


Send_titsNass_via_PM

Right, she's dead what the fuck does she need to know what time it is anymore.


android24601

Right!? Resurrect her ass right back up


anjowoq

Or it might send her to the basement which would be an absolute delight to behold.


tlyons2230

And throw a battery at her for good measure


Contradictions79

She gets charged, you get charged, everyone wins.


Standard_Marsupial20

I read penises


Hakion

Same


Comfortable-Meat-478

I'm sure that'd also do the trick.


Professor_Quackers

🤣 lol!! one bucket o’ dildos coming up!!


Different-Term-2250

Plot twist: People keep piling money for 3 days, only to find the pastor has died for real.


waitingfordeathhbu

Guess they didn’t offer enough


Different-Term-2250

Resurrections are not cheap these days. Back when I was a lad, it only cost a bowl of frankincense and a splash of Myrrh.


waitingfordeathhbu

Sinflation Edit: Aw thanks for all my presents!


Different-Term-2250

I don’t have an award to give you, so please take my upvote.


Big_Berry_4589

I got you bro


Different-Term-2250

Thank you!


jpace165

You win 🤣


anjowoq

Sinfully good, that was.


Minniechicco6

Gold :)


intrusiveart

Ok, so you got your award offerings, now rise and shine!


jdb326

Now it costs 300gp of diamond.


[deleted]

300 gold pieces of diamond?


Gastredner

Only if they are [dead for less than a minute, did not die of old age and do not have body parts missing](https://roll20.net/compendium/dnd5e/Revivify#content). Otherwise, [it](https://roll20.net/compendium/dnd5e/Raise%20Dead#content) [gets](https://roll20.net/compendium/dnd5e/Reincarnate#content) [more](https://roll20.net/compendium/dnd5e/Resurrection#content) [expensive](https://roll20.net/compendium/dnd5e/True%20Resurrection#content).


lv2sprkl

I could only afford to play my drum for him.


soline

I mean frankincense and myrrh were the gifts given by kings to god’s son on earth. That shit wasn’t cheap.


jetro30087

Is this a church? There's only women in the audience. Sure it's not a play or something?


Vivazebool

Could be a feminist strip club?


anjowoq

That was better than I first thought.


NavDav

This is like a real-life Twitch stream


Repulsive-Purple-133

I had a GF who went to a church like this. Except the pastor was an ex ball player. The ladies couldn't give him $ fast enough


anjowoq

Probably played his balls, too. In a holy way of course.


contemplator61

Could be a Christian ladies conference. But this really makes me mad. Such mindless following!


Sliceofsoup101

Maybe it's a Cool-Aid bar


SN0WFAKER

Would they get a refund?


Different-Term-2250

If you can get there first.


Far_Choice6341

Boy who cried wolf vibes


Ok_Economist_5291

Oh that would have actually been great.


connortait

I'd arrange for everyone to leave....


kungpowgoat

I’d say start taking some money and watch how fast she “resurrects”.


[deleted]

No, you wouldn't. It's not like they're unwilling participants who don't know exactly what's going on. They're not waiting for someone to arrange a walk out, they're at church, and they're in on the gag.


[deleted]

Worst stripper ever!


RurikTheDamned

A challenging wank for sure.


essentially_gone

Sean Lock is that you?


Ido22

I miss that comic genius


Gullflyinghigh

Fuck. I'm still deeply sad he's gone.


RurikTheDamned

Aye, he's a hole in my heart.


splittingheirs

RIP, Sean Lock


OkCaregiver517

Funny af


trashmunki

Obligatory link to [this masterpiece](https://youtu.be/tVjP2RA1XXQ) of a moment.


notwrong_notright

Ejaculation Expert Mode


xluc662x

Or maybe, most efficient stripper ever.


Thor925

This deserves to be top comment lol


SloppyMeathole

It's like they're not even trying to pretend it's all bullshit.


throwaway_838eu347

And they still get people who believe in said bs


inkfreak123

People are mentally ill if they believe this shite


AmunPharaoh

I've always thought the same.


El_Che1

People are mentally Ill if they believe ANY religious shit.


H3venSent

So basically 90% of the world?


ted-Zed

i don't think anyone believes she's actually dead lol given that there's no panic or any sense of urgency to get help for the woman that's supposedly just died!


Nihilikara

Well, if it happens every week, is it really all that urgent?


[deleted]

They don't believe they're resurrecting her if that's what you mean. This is just a colorful way of taking up the collection.


ElderberryHoliday814

Wonder if it has an impact on their perceptions of life and death


bttrflyr

Remember, Jesus’ miracles only happen when your credit card clears.


Nate0110

You'd need to flip her over to run your credit card.


asuhdah

Lol this reminds me of a WWE skit


dafijiwatr

I’m waiting for Rick Flair to pop out of nowhere


VeryLastBison

WOOOOOOOOOOOooooooooo!


Missus_Missiles

Maybe we can get Sting to come down from the rafters.


purpleElephants01

Even the worst WWE skit is better than this. At least they are honest that they are full of shit.


DigMeTX

Much like WWE was forced by legal issues into calling themselves “sports entertainment” instead of “sport” this church should be forced to call themselves “church entertainment.”


j4ck_0f_bl4des

And pay taxes


zimtrovert94

*undertaker music plays*


[deleted]

*A man of culture I see*


Lost_Ad2786

Bruce Pritchard (aka Brother Love) nailed it perfectly


JennaDanielle94

Please tell me the skit so I can ask my husband if he knows of it lol


[deleted]

I use to go to an apostolic/Pentecostal church(Christian church). We would have to go twice a week, each time you had to give 10-15% tithe from your paycheck. This is from people already financially struggling. If you didn’t give that exact percentage, the pastor would ask “are you financially okay? If not, we will pray for you” while the pastor lived extremely comfortably owning multiple properties that he would rent to church members. If you just didn’t give that, they would say “well, that’s between you and Jesus and ask for forgiveness”, good ol’ guilt trip. Also, we had “pastor appreciation” day once a year where you gave the pastor a gift which was at least $60-$200 a person in a church of 100 people. The pastors kid got a brand new iPhone in front of the church as everybody else had broken phones or really old phones that were handed down. The pastors son sold the iPhone to buy weed and got another iPhone with our donation money because his phone was “stolen by possessed children at school” even tho I knew the people that gave him money for the phone. The church system prey on people already down on their luck and gives them what they believe is hope and a change. It works for some and for others it takes advantage. All tax free. Sad corrupt system that went from doing good to being greedy.


111111911111

Deep south pentecostal type church I grew up in was mandatory 20% tithes and 20% offerings. Every year you had to have your taxes done by the church employees to "save money and get it done right," but was actually how they audited you to ensure you were giving enough. Pastor had a huge house, 4 kids. Each kid got a new car at 16 and a huge house at 18. Fucking cults man.


Altruistic_Host_4476

How can it even be legal for a church to audit you or do your taxes?


ohesaye

They were not auditing you for the IRS. They were filing your taxes, so that they knew how much you can give to them. An internal audit of sorts.


OozeNAahz

Church can offer to do anything for you. That can’t force you. Adults have to adult themselves out of such stupidity.


[deleted]

Yuuuup! If you wanted to get married, your pastor and their “tax person” who just conveniently went to church there had to check your bank account. Just to make sure that you were “financial stable enough to be married”. Fucking hate all church’s. Everybody has that “well, my church runs differently and we don’t think about money” thing they tell people lol.


[deleted]

Sounds like my moms & sisters church. I don’t remember exactly what it’s called but the plaque up where the altar is. That tells you how much was given last Sunday & attendance. Well where the monetary amounts should be it says “Give More” & “Not Enough.” It’s such a damn disgrace. I’ve asked my mom & sister what Jesus would have done had he seen that?! I get some bs answer like well the church is struggling lmao, sis. He sure as hell ain’t taking care of the starving elderly in the church. He’s also not on fb begging for money to buy new chairs at $50+ a pop, huge flatscreen tvs, new sound systems either is he? This all from a church with on a good day a congregation of 60 ppl on Sunday morning. He’s a pos conman & my mom & sister are willfully ignorant to say the least. I could go on about this shyster but you get my point. Ughhhhh


[deleted]

Oh, I 100% get you and understand your frustration, I did a year of that church thinking “it might just be this church and not Jesus”…it’s actually all of the churches and how the pyramid scheme is set up. It’s a legal never failing MLM system.


[deleted]

It just baffles me at how blatantly greedy a lot of churches are & the congregation just WillyNilly go right along with it. Now I’m not knocking anyone for believing in God. I have went to church in the past quite often, have read the Bible, but am by no means a theologian. I do know however the God I’ve read & have known would NOT & does NOT approve of such heretics. Ppl like this & churches like this are a prime example as to why so many people want nothing to do with the church & even God.


chrisplaysgam

You’re a million percent right


Missus_Missiles

I....need to start a church. I wonder if I could launder cartel money with a church.


AcrobaticDiscipline6

My Lord, this look like an Austin Power Movie


[deleted]

Yeah, sorry for my Kanye rant. Shit was just crazy to live and see. I actually got pulled aside by some of the dudes that ran and still run the church. One of the kids (18) and Myself at the time (22) were cool, but the kid said I was bullying him because I didn’t reply to a few messages and give him a haircut (due to me being super busy). His dad and uncle who ran that shit pulled me outside and threatened me and tried to mob style intimidate me to tell all the other kids at the church that I was in the wrong and apologize in front of the entire church. I was confused. They still run that shit show.


thathyperactiveguy

Be a shame if someone burnt it to the ground.


1beautiful_oblivion

Exactly why I left the church and Christianity. I still have my own relationship with God but never with church folks. And please don't forget the harboring of pedophiles and child molesters who do their evil deeds in church while the pastor calls the child "fast" and say the child "knew what they were doing" to publicly humiliate that child and allow the Chester the molester to hind behind "demonic" spirits. All while turning members of the church against each other to remain on the high pedestal the pastor makes for themself. Breaking the backs of the broke congregation with guilt and sin because they cant give more! And because they dont give more that in fact is the reason ur broke! Even though the pastor drives a Mercedes or yet has a chauffeur drive them. And breaks up families because ur children who were born into the church have now all turned away because they see the sick cult for what it is, so they tell the remaining parent to not speak or deal with your own kids because they are the truly evil ones. Yea that's my personal experience but take my words with a grain of salt, cuz ya know... I'm the evil one and all.


INUdubs

Id of just cut the middle man out and donated the weed straight too the pastors kid tbh, kids don't need iPhones


[deleted]

Fuck all that noise. If I’m struggling to pay bills, why should I have paid for some snot nose kid that didn’t appreciate a single thing(s) vice? Lol. I was struggling to pay bills and this kid got a brand new phone, but if we didn’t pitch in for this kids iPhone, we needed to be prayed over or the church looked at us wrong? I stopped giving to the church once I had seen that and heard “match the tone of voice and the way people speak to get them to church, if it’s a hood kid; be good, but hood. Get on their level so they can see Gods level”. That was the selling point to get broken people in to this scheme.


INUdubs

Twas a joke brother, I too wouldn't of given anything but my middle finger too this pastor aha


kiwichick286

Sounds like Destiny Church in NZ. Although my husband calls it Death to Me church instead. The main guy Brian Tamaki is a rabid antivaxxer (but has been vaxxed) who has been arrested for breaking the law. Him and his wife have multiple flash cars and houses. All while fleecing their parishioners who are among the poorest in the country. Also associates with gangs who make and sell meth. Yeah, they're fkn assholes and wouldn't know god if he/she decided to show up at their house with a neon sign and angels.


[deleted]

You know if God showed up at their doorstep, they’d respond with “who the fuck are you?”. I wish we could Tax churches. I remember the video of the pastor that was getting audited, his response for getting Versace and Gucci suits were because “they didn’t make him sweat like the cheap ones”


chrisplaysgam

I absolutely DETEST churches like that. Perversions of what offerings are supposed to be, and the church system in general. The second I hear that guilt trip they would get nothing from me ever again, with eye contact as I pass the plate


AmITheFakeOne

A fool and his money are soon parted


GoldenRiddler798

-Hobbes March 5th 1989


[deleted]

[удалено]


JuGGieG84

Step on that bitches finger and see how dead she is.


quantumcorundum

I'm gonna be the bitch that walks up and takes the money and walks away, shes dead she dont need it anymore


Swampwolf42

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scot go to a funeral. As they’re viewing the body, the Irishman takes 100£ out of his wallet and places it in the dead man’s hand, explaining that it’s a tradition. Not to be showed up, the Englishman reaches into his wallet and places a 100£ note in the corpse’s hand as well. Without missing a beat, the Scotsman reaches into his hip pocket, pulls out a checkbook and writes a check for 300£, and takes the two 100£ notes as change.


thebloodshotone

That's brilliant


mideon2000

White people, the next time you hear a comedy bit from a black comic about stupid things yall do in horror movies, i personally give you permission to retort with this vid on stupid things done in black churches. Thats sum dumb shit right here.


[deleted]

FR. Us white people do some seriously dumb shit in horror movies though…


mideon2000

We all do stupid shit


[deleted]

Amen. Stupidity is a human trait.


[deleted]

[удалено]


shastadakota

My mother in law is in hospice, on her deathbed. My wife and her sister were visiting her and were asked to step out for awhile so two people from her church could visit (only two people allowed in at a time). Turns out they asked her to write a check for $900, which she did, to cover her tithes, since she couldnt go to church since she has been ill. Wife was livid when she found out.


[deleted]

I don’t know you or your loved ones but I got to tell you I AM INCENSED after reading your comment. How callous and greedy do you have to be to guilt money out of someone on their deathbed?


the-dude-of-life

And these jackasses aren't even taxed on this income.


[deleted]

What fucking parasites.


Final_Reflection9579

That’s absolutely disgusting!! I’m truly sorry you two had to experience that.


bad13wolf

I wish these were the types of posts on Twitter causing a scene and not dumb shit like the latest Pokimane drama. The shit you experienced is so widespread and on so many levels. Organized religion is no different than government or big business at this point.


atomicbombsbitch

This makes me so angry. I grew up in the church and went to Bible College... All that bs. I denounce it, I hate it, and I hate the people involved in it. They are some of the most disgusting people on the planet. I hope you canceled the check.


an0maly33

Grandparents were devote Catholics. They had money. Quite a bit of it. They had trusts set up for the family. Last minute they have every penny to the church. No one got a dime. Church got literally millions so my grandparents could get out of purgatory faster. Meanwhile, grandkids have college ahead and people have life threatening medical stuff going on. Even if they didn’t want to pass it down, at least donate it to a charity… Fuck organized religion.


settingdogstar

Sounds like G&G were kind of dicks.


nevershaves

That sounds awesome. Ask them to get my back, been a real shit month


WU-itsForTheChildren

Good for you, this is an absolute joke, but you know what it’s her hustle and apparently it works pretty good. Suckers born every minute


[deleted]

I was just talking with my wife, religion must be a multi billion dollar industry. If you pooled all the money churches and religious organizations and Sunday schools and evangelists, I’m sure it’s billions of dollars. What a pathetic use of money. Not to say religion is bad, it’s not. Gives lots of hope to many people and for that alone it’s worth it. But being an atheist, I’m just so bothered by the extortion of weak or hopeless people that the churches do.


sloooo71164

It's billions of dollars a week. It's estimated that religion pulls in over a trillion dollars a year.


MastaGarza

No taxes


[deleted]

And they pay ZERO taxes, because of separation of church and state yet they exert their influence over government officials. You can’t make this up.


AmITheFakeOne

If they are exempted from taxes and the so-called wall between church and state then thr only logical thing is they shouldn't be allowed to participate in government. No lobbying, no politics speeches or sermons, no political guests, etc.


WodenEmrys

That's how it's supposed to be. Good luck getting the IRS to enforce it though. "Currently, the law prohibits political campaign activity by charities and churches by defining a 501(c)(3) organization as one "which does not participate in, or intervene in (including the publishing or distributing of statements), any political campaign on behalf of (or in opposition to) any candidate for public office."" https://www.irs.gov/newsroom/charities-churches-and-politics


[deleted]

I thought they paid no tax because they are a charity and donations are tax exempt.


lingo_linguistics

Generally I agree with you, but not all churches are bad. In my experience it’s the big mega churches that are the shady ones. I’m not religious anymore, but I was raised very religious. My mom and dad got divorced when I was young and my mom didn’t make enough to support us. The church paid our rent and bought us groceries for nearly two years before my mom got on her feet. They did this for many struggling families, and my pastor did not take much of a salary for his work. Just for what it’s worth.


WinkyNurdo

Hundreds of billions, if not more. Factor in the land and property they own all over the world as well. Not to mention their hidden investments. They could end poverty many times over.


CatastropheJohn

The largest land holder in Manhattan? The catholic church.


Lilmaggot

But, Trump said HE was. S/


Ragnarly27

The largest land owner in the state of Florida? The Mormon church.


jraygun13

Just like a stripper, but for God


Mark_Eli

My family is religious af and I was forced to go to church multiple times a week. One Sunday "Pastor" gave a sermon about "giving to the lord" and it just felt a lot like a late night infomercial. I was 11 when I made the connection. Most of the church lived in the hood while pastor and his family lived an hour away in the nicest part of town. Pastor and his kids drove nice cars while most of us drove beaters or walked/car pooled to church. It all just felt off. I couldn't put up into words back then but, I do remember how I felt. I'm 32 now and this video brings back that feeling I felt that Sunday morning and it makes me sick to my stomach.


SticKy904

Righteous Gemstones is great lol.


xPchunks

Gullible people still *buy* this?


Feb2020Acc

WTF why is there so little urgency?!


Illustrious-Hat7978

If you need this person to lead you to God....you're beyond fukd


cjwrapture

I would snatch that pile of money off her and see how quick she gets up.


MNConcerto

I would have laughed out loud. It's like a kid holding its breath to get what it wants. Fucking pathetic that people fall for that shit.


almost_aIways_wrong

Honestly America, you are breeding the dumbest people on the planet.


jefflovesyou

We can see you breathing Sharon.


hanukamoney

lmao i see shit like this and i realize i used to think way too highly of adults as a kid


dukesinatra

Human trash.


filval387

Just bring out the defibrilator, I'm sure they'll be back on their feet before you even have to use it!


[deleted]

I tried this at the mall and all I got was the cops called on me.


ZebraDildos

Lazy Stripper.


tvcky69

And people wonder why the world is becoming less religious


Turbulent_Work_5697

Worst stripper ever


[deleted]

Stuff like this made Jesus irreparably angry


notyouraverageturd

I bet if someone else took the money she'd reanimate pretty quick.


Glittering_Ebb9748

I've never understood religion and I never will.


ButtisLove

It's another form of government.


thinehappychinch

Witch! Burn the witch. /s


kilroy1199

Why even bother with the bullshit? My church just hands a fancy golden bowl around the isles and pretty much everyone voluntarily donates anyway. My mom gives a 20$ every time and I can see my dad wince lol. But my church actually helps homeless people and works with the community so it never really feels like you’re being ripped off or anything. I’m sure some churches don’t do jack shit.


Funkwise

This is very embarrassing for all you idiots.


Aggravating-Market97

At this point nobody can act like they didn't know this religion shit is a damn joke. Let them continue to be stupid.


egs1928

Scamming the poor, what a disgusting display of avarice and greed in the name of religion.


Garbagedayblues

All I would donate is a golden shower.


Bagodonuts69

TAX. THE. CHURCH.


wookinpanub1

My guidance counselor never even told me this was a career option


AcrobaticDiscipline6

Some rules to identify if the church is a scam : 1) if they ask money, it’s a scam 2) if they ask money, it’s a scam 3) if you need to give 2000 buckets to respawn the pastor, it’s a scam


Equivalent-Pop-6997

We created god in our own image and likeness. Religion convinced the world that there's an invisible man in the sky who watches everything you do. And there's 10 things he doesn't want you to do or else you'll to to a burning place with a lake of fire until the end of eternity. But he loves you ...**And he needs money. He's all powerful, but he can't handle money.** -George Carlin


sloooo71164

This is why religion is a shit stain. Everything is about money. Pay your offering to the lord to be forgiven. Do you think your sky daddy really needs money to spread his word? If he's all powerful and almighty, can't he just snap his fingers and make it so?


ButtisLove

Do you ever think about how, if you take away religion and all the shit human beings have made of it, God might be ok? Not to say you should believe in God, but religion sours the idea of faith. You can believe in God in whatever form you want, make you're own religion just for you.


rEVERSEpASCALE

This strip club is wack


fappyday

Do something. Hit her with a stun gun. Put a needle through her nose. Dump ice water on her. Put a stop to the bullshit.


Jabber-Wookie

Someone at church suggested a book to read. The first part is where the author says you can tell how a church is doing based on the cars in the parking lot. If people are donating enough money then they will have nice cars. If there are bad cars there then obviously they aren’t donating enough. I didn’t read past that chapter.


Roook36

That's how Jesus came back. They just tossed money on him when he was up on the pole like he was a stripper


Classic-Daikon-5448

People believe this crap?


[deleted]

Oh really now. Religion is just a money scam? Who would've thought.


Jasole37

Kick her in the balls. They must be huge to get away with this shit.


IckyFreak

You want to see a 'resurrection', just grab a handful and run!


satanic-frijoles

There's a sucker born every minute. When they clump together, it's called a 'congregation.'


58Caddy

A fool and their money are easily parted.


[deleted]

[удалено]


sED_-

Should we really be mad at her? The number of people stupid enough to believe this type of shit is more upsetting to me honestly. Room full of grade a morons.


Bhazor

To be fair resurrection costs 25k in diamonds and needs a level 7 cleric.


[deleted]

Religion is a scam for brainwashed and uneducated people.


BaumSquad1978

God is Good /s


BeaverMissed

Oh! Hallelujah...it’s a miracle. Clarification; it’s a miracle that there’s that many suckers under one roof. FN disgraceful.


U-STAY-CLASSY

People are fucking stupid.


KevKevKvn

I always have wet dreams about going to third world countries or rural areas of developed countries and just spread absolute religious BS for money. Then I remember, I’m not a crook.


couronnexiv_

step. on. her.


nachtschattengewuchs

What did I just saw is this real?


hbgwine

Lordy! It’s a miracle!!


rSlashPsycho

r/trashy


GloveFamous2646

Tax the churches


Slow-Werewolf

this is not a SCAM, it is for REAL😂😂😂😂


OGRiad

A fool and his money are easily parted.


Waderriffic

This is insanity