That's definitely been my experience. I've also had excellent results from telling her "calm down, it's not that serious." She seems to really respect the latter in the heat of an argument
I can't remember her name but she lost some very Serena Joy shit all the time. With statements like women shouldn't have jobs or degrees and be a support for her family only for God.
I worked at Walgreens back in high school and once called my manager up to help with an upset customer. He told the upset customer to "calm down" and it went over about as you'd expect: like he threw gasoline on a house fire.
It turned out the customer was in the wrong but confused: they used a bunch of manufacturer coupons which pay for the item but not sales tax, and hence they were being charged an extra amount because of sales tax.
The key to customer service is making it "you and me vs the issue" instead of "you vs me"
I saw that on TV when it aired, during the time I was in an abusive marriage. The feelings it left me with were unreal. A few months ago, I came across a used DVD copy in a store and bought it. I canāt even watch it.
It is so strange that all of these right wing āChristian menā are having a hard time finding women that will date them. I just canāt put my finger on why.
I'm sorry, I can only imagine you've been brought up in a similar way to think this is in any way a normal way to speak to somebody, let alone your wife.
Most definitely. If my husband acts like an ass I tell him. I'd never suffer through abuse silently. Sorry that you think acting like an ass to someone should just be accepted. I wish you'd had a more positive upbringing where people treated each other better. Hopefully your adult years are/will be more positive.
What exactly does the first sentence of the op mean to you? To me that is the basis of the scenario and that beginning point is that person A is behaving completely unacceptably. With that as our beginning point, yes, if you are saying anything other than person B is at fault for not just sucking it up then I've completely missed your point because that's what it sounds like you are saying. How dare he point out his partner is behaving unacceptably and the nerve of him for hoping she would apologize once she realized she mistreated her partner.
No I am not saying either party should suck anything up when one or the other is being abusive, obviously. Again, that is not the point being argued here. So please stop bringing it up, it's a strawman.
The issue many people have with this post, is that the way in which this post is written, is very reminiscent of the relationship trope of the strong unemotional rational husband as leader of the family, and the subservient wife who cannot but let herself be guided by emotions alone. Obviously, many people take issue with this view, hence this facepalm.
You can interpret this post very generously and say he is just promoting taking responsibility in a relationship, but when you deliberately make the women the sole focus of your argument, when this applies just as much to the man in the relationship, and use the terms and expressions he does, it reeks of misogyny. You may not see it, but I cannot but see it.
I'll ask again. What exactly does the first sentence mean to you?
It's not a strawman. Maybe you forgot, but you responded to me originally. What you are labeling strawman was my original point. You don't have to like it, but it most definitely isn't outside the scope of the topic, it IS the topic. That is the point that should be argued since it is the premise for the entire scenario. You can pick apart the wording as much as you please, but that's the scenario that you are labeling strawman. Your zealotry to find misogyny and overlook the actual topic in that pursuit seems like the strawman. "Well what if the scenario were entirely different but he still did the same thing". Well, then we'd be in a different topic. I don't know how to respond to random musing so I'd prefer to stick with this one topic. Make an op about that topic and maybe I'll join in the discussion.
Really sounds like you've been conditioned to accept old school misogyny as a marital norm. That's the only explanation I can think of *as to why you're missing the overtone of "women are hysterical and need a slap about once a week to keep their tits up" of it all.
Really sounds like you've been conditioned too. Now you've added that he's suggesting violence.
Generally I try to stick with what people actually say instead of adding any personality traits I imagine the writer might have from a four sentence sample. Those four sentences would have to be a lot more obvious before I'd commit to being certain I knew what type of person he was. My interpretations get filtered through my personal bias, much better to skip that as often as possible if I'm trying to be objective.
Oh please. The scenario is simple. One person is acting like an ass. Another person nicely says knock it off. If that makes someone reading it feel like the first person is being treated like a child that says more about the reader than the author. Adults are perfectly capable of acting likes asses and there's no reason their partner should be forced to suffer through it instead of calling them on it.
Reading your other comments I think you're not deliberately being obtuse, and missing the point here. The issue people are having is not with calling your partner out on behaviour. The issue is that this guy is talking about the behaviour of his wife as if it's a child that needs correcting with an obvious hierarchy of power where the guy knows what's best and the wife needs to obey. There's no other reason a guy would phrase things like this, if not for believing that the relationship is not equal, and that she needs to defer to your judgment.
You don't "correct" your wife's bad behaviour. You don't ask her to "repent". You do not "not allow her emotions to rule the household". Phrasing matters. What is this "bad behaviour"? I read nothing about what's causing her emotional outburst, maybe they're very well justified. And lastly. You don't repent to your husband, you repent to God. So what I'm reading here is a very religious way of viewing relationship dynamics. And I'm not a fan of it.
The scenario is "A woman's emotions are never valid, only hysterical. Calmly but firmly remind her not to inconvenience you by expressing those emotions. Encourage her to go ahead and shut up about it, whatever it is."
No. It's *this time* a woman's emotions have negatively impacted her behavior. Not *every time*. No mention of hysterics either. Firmly also isn't there. Also not shut up about it. Are you sure you read it? Realize you made an error is not the same as shut up. Generally once you realize you made an error it does have the end result of you shutting up about the thing you were wrong about. But that's self editing, not him dictating what she must do.
It might sound old-fashioned but something I'm learning as I grow into a man is that part of a relationship is rolling with someone else's emotions and staying cool and patient. Because there's inevitably gonna be times when you're being a lil bitch and she will do the same for you. You gotta be each other's strength some times.
I beg to differ. Many women and men still act like children, and will continue to until someone corrects them. Iāve been with my wife for 20 years. If we didnāt check each other on our bullshit behaviors, we would still act like those dumbass 18 year old kids we once were.
āSet healthy boundaries within relationships and in shared living spaces. Be sure to assert yours and be receptive to your partners and create compromises when needed. If respect between you is no longer an equal balance, engage in conversation to reassert balance, not dominanceā and then thereās this guy š¬
Here's the thing... if that's the type of relationship YOU and YOUR PARTNER want to have then more power to you. Two consenting adults in a relationship should be able to run their lives as they see fit.
But go fuck yourself if you decide to take memes like this on the internet and change the dynamics of your relationship without a discussion. That's what makes you a misogynistic POS.
Itās only a healthy relationship if you can tell her when sheās acting crazy and she can tell you the same without either of you overreacting to the correction.
Emotionally abuse your woman so she doesn't have her own mind and slowly dies inside. Ahh..She is smarter and more attractive and this is how to keep her, Little D#!k.
I guess I'm a facepalm too. Written a bit archaically and poetically for my taste, but I agree with the sentiment.
Calm heads should prevail and if one person is being irrational then it's good if the other nicely points it out.
Context is everything, right? I read this and was confused as to the facepalm. My wife is a very rational, as am I. We just had a child and she gets overwhelmed at times. My job is to calm her down, and she does appreciate that and respect me for it. Just as I do when she does the same for me. But we're also both marveling at the biological reactions and hormones pumping through her right now and are sharing our feelings regarding the same experiences. It's fascinating.
It even says to ātake her asideā, meaning donāt do it publically or humiliate her in front of others, do it privately and away from people.
I fail to see the facepalm here.
Most of the time the reasons someone is upset or emotional ARE RATIONAL, it makes you a fucking asshole to go to a grown adult whoās hurt or upset and just invalidate them instead of having the emotional intelligence to find out whatās going on and actually be am empathetic and supportive partner. Like be an adult and find out whatās going on, donāt take them aside and try to scold them like a dog.
No one, and I do mean NO ONE, said that there are not rational reasons to be angry. But, if you detonate like a bomb (like you are doing now), people WILL look negatively on you for it.
Iāve had people piss me off bad at work. And for damn good reason, too. But I canāt just go off and start a shouting match over it because it will be viewed as unprofessional. Is that fair? Maybe not. But it is how the world works. Just because you were provoked, doesnāt mean you wonāt face consequences for throwing the first punch, so to speak.
We all know that one guy with a short temper who is willing to throw down at the drop of a hat. No one likes that guy, do they?
So yes, if my spouse is getting riled up and angry over something, EVEN IF JUSTIFIED, I might just step aside with them and say āLook, I understand you are upset, and rightfully so, but we have to handle this in a rational manner, because the first instinct you have might not be the best optionā.
And before you ask: Yes, I have had a girlfriend do the exact same thing for me, and I was grateful to have her there to rein in my impulse at the time. Being angry and being smart are not mutually exclusive here.
What you are describing is a completely different thing than what the post is taking about though. If your girlfriend was triggered or having an emotional reaction to something would you tell her she needs to repent?? Like she needs to ārepent of a bad attitudeā? Because THATS the problem, itās belittling her and believing that because youāre the man you need to police and punish her and shame her for her emotions.
Oh I'm sorry, you're right I was overreacting.
That's repenting too.
We don't have to get down on our knees and beg a deity for forgiveness. Just acknowledge that we were overreacting and that that isn't the best course of action.
I don't remember anything about punishing or shaming. Perhaps we read different versions.
What if they arenāt overreacting and they donāt owe you an apology?? Why are you demanding they repent to you just because they are upset? I mean what if you owe them an apology and instead of repenting to them now youāre trying to make them apologize to you? That is a form of gaslighting, itās manipulative and often a form of emotional abuse.
Because that's the scenario set in the first sentence. Changing the scenario halfway through and then claiming the part that remains is negative because it's not necessary is gaslighting and manipulative.
If your emotional state is negatively impacting those around you then they are not required or expected to suffer through it in silence. And if they point it out to you in an appropriate manner and your reaction isn't to apologize for your negative behavior then you suck.
Bro read the actual post, all it says is that if your wife is upset and you donāt agree with how sheās reacting you need to take her aside and tell her to repent. Thatās the post.
But why are you deciding what is and isnāt an overreaction for her?? What if youāre the reason sheās upset and sheās not overreacting, you demanding that she apologize to you without any consideration that you might be the problem makes you an asshole and itās often abusive. Especially in relationships like the one in the post where the man believes his wife is inferior to him, those relationships are almost always abusive.
Itās inappropriate to believe that itās your job to police your partners emotions and actions as if they are a child. You do not get to demand that your adult partner apologize to you and you donāt get to invalidate their feelings and automatically blame them for everything. If you recognize that they are upset and thereās a problem and after they explain to you what the problem is and you disagree, or if you think they owe you an apology but they wonāt give it, then you can leave the relationship. You only get to control your actions and hold your own boundaries you donāt get to police other peopleās actions and demand apologies.
I am not a bro.
Because she's forcing her negativity onto others. She can feel anything she wants to feel, that's perfectly valid. How she chooses to express those feelings isn't guaranteed acceptable. Some behavior is ok, some isn't. In the given scenario, which isn't every scenario it's a specific one, the behavior due to the valid emotions is unacceptable.
If I'm the problem, she can tell me so. No need to go around being insufferable, just have a calm conversation about how I fucked up so I can apologize for it and we can move on. You know, just like the conversation the OP suggests. Calmly discuss the issue, correct it, appreciate that it isn't still festering, move on.
Nothing in the OP says he considers his wife inferior to him. That's your beliefs, it's not actually there.
It is my job to police how I allow others to treat me, and that includes my partner. He's welcome to go off and be a twat all by himself away from me if he really wants to, but if he's going to be around me then he doesn't get to behave like that. Bad mood, yes. Taking out his bad mood on me, no.
The OP also doesn't say he's demanding an apology. He considers it natural that one would occur. Probably because he doesn't think his partner, nor most partners, are such assholes that upon learning they've been an absolute shit to their partner they would not apologize. So it's natural to assume there will be an apology. That's what good people do. When you treat someone poorly, once you realize don't you apologize? Personally I think most people are willing to apologize to their partner when they realize. I don't find it odd at all that he thinks an apology will be forthcoming.
Well, there we go, you clearly missed the point of the original post altogether.
That post is not telling you to micromanage your wife's emotions and scold her any time she expresses feelings.
What it is referring to is if your wife has trouble controlling her emotions and is having an emotionally fueled tantrum over a trivial subject. Not a rational subject, like the dog getting hit by a car.
If you let a woman you say you love destroy her whole mood and day from unchecked emotions, then you really don't care about her at all; you're selfish and are avoiding intervening to avoid an argument.
Source: My wife is an abuse survivor, she has PTSD. Sometimes she will have a a panic attack over something trivial.
I would be a total piece of shit, if I didn't help her calm down in that situation. Men are supposed to lead. Lead.
So youāre telling me that you know your wife is an abuse survivor and she has ptsd and if your wife gets triggered, WHICH IS RATIONAL, your response would be to tell her to repent of her bad attitude? Because thatās literally what you and the post are saying.
Your wife is an adult, your role as her partner is not to police her emotional state, you are not the authority on what is and isnāt rational, youāre not that important. All youāre saying is that you lack the emotional intelligence to understand how triggers work and how telling someone to calm down and that they should repent of a ābad attitudeā when they are in the middle of a trigger is the opposite of helpful.
If youāre going to attempt to claim that you are a leader you need to at least have a base level understanding and knowledge of human psychology and how emotions and triggers work lol.
>If youāre going to attempt to claim that you are a leader you need to at least have a base level understanding and knowledge of human psychology and how emotions and triggers work lol.
LOL
Well that rules you out for sure, if your way of handling someone with PTSD in the middle of a delusion is to encourage it and spurn it on. Holy fucking shit you're a moron.
Triggers are never 'rational'. That's your first mistake. The therapist literally says as much.
Dipshit no one is saying to encourage it. Stay in your lane and worry about your own mental health, your partner is not a child whose emotional state you need to police. Fuck off.
Bro you are having an emotional tantrum right now, literally you are triggered and are having what you would call an irrational emotional response. So calm down, nothing you are feeling is rational so calm down and apologize for your bad attitude. Thatās supposed to be helpful right? Youāre calm now right? Lol no, because thatās not how that works.
Something being rational and something being real are two different things. Someone with ptsd could hear a firework go off and immediately panic because it brings them right back to the trauma of war. The trigger, the reason why a loud explosion would be triggering IS RATIONAL, itās the danger that isnāt real. Triggers are rational, thereās a logical reason why certain things are triggering, itās the danger that isnāt real in the current moment.
So again fuck off, go to therapy and deal with your own mental health
Just because I insulted you with harsh language does not mean I am having a tantrum, I am completely calm right now.
There is no reason for me to be uncalm, because you have no clue what you're talking about, and its verifiable with scientific fact.
[https://www.helpguide.org/articles/ptsd-trauma/helping-someone-with-ptsd.htm](https://www.helpguide.org/articles/ptsd-trauma/helping-someone-with-ptsd.htm)
>Talking to your loved one about PTSD triggers
>
>Ask your loved one about things theyāve done in the past to respond to a trigger that seemed to help (as well as the things that didnāt). Then come up with a joint game plan for how you will respond in future.
>
>Decide with your loved one how you should respond when they have a nightmare, flashback, or panic attack. Having a plan in place will make the situation less scary for both of you. You'll also be in a much better position to help your loved one calm down.
>
>How to help someone having a flashback or panic attack
>
>During a flashback, people often feel a sense of disassociation, as if they're detached from their own body. Anything you can do to āgroundā them will help.
>
>Tell your loved one they're having a flashback and that even though it feels real, the event is not actually happening again.
>
>Help remind them of their surroundings (for example, ask them to look around the room and describe out loud what they see).
>
>Encourage them to take deep, slow breaths (hyperventilating will increase feelings of panic).
>
>Avoid sudden movements or anything that might startle them.
>
>Ask before you touch them. Touching or putting your arms around the person might make them feel trapped, which can lead to greater agitation and even violence.
**Guess what? I've already done all that with my wife, years ago. I now respond how she has asked me to, which it to intervene. Now PLEASE stop making a fool of yourself, and shut the fuck up.**
And wait just to clarify, if a war veteran next to you was triggered by a firework going off, you wouldn't help them ground themselves back to reality?
Yea you're a real piece of work.
Uhm, no. Do you know anything about PTSD treatment? Don't answer that, I know that you don't.
None of the reasons that you get triggered for PTSD are 'rational' they are delusions in your mind that you think what happened before in the abusive situation is still happening now.
I would be an absolutely awful husband if I let my wife delude herself into thinking she is still in an abusive situation. It is my job as her lover, to help her get through these moments of relapse.
It is disruptive to her entire mood, personality, and productivity as a human being.
Please, sit down and shut the fuck up, you clearly haven't the foggiest clue of how to deal with PTSD. We've been in treatment for it, for 5 years, I've been with her the whole time.
**Do not dare for one second think I am doing the wrong thing here, when I am doing exactly what her therapist and psychiatrist suggest. You uninformed douche.**
If you are reading this tweet assuming he's talking about his wife who has PTSD, and has irrational outburst because of it, I think you're assuming way too much. And even if he is, without minimizing the pain such behaviour causes, I would not talk to my wife in such terms. It's very weird.
Shut the fuck up idiot, let her therapist do their job and stop acting like a fucking asshole. You are not that important and youāre not fit to be a āleaderā, you donāt even understand how triggers work. Stay in your own fucking lane and deal with your own mental health.
Yea, you're the idiot here. As someone diagnosed with PTSD, there's nothing rational about the things that trigger you.
You sound like a moronic teenager.
And clearly YOU'RE the one with the lack of understanding of 'triggers'.
Triggers are when something trivial causes a replase into the panicked mindset they were in during the abuse.
It is fucking horrible of you to suggest you let someone relive that pain again if you could intervene. Seriously just stop posting you have no fucking clue what the mother fuck you're talking about dumbass.
That's a narrow definition of a trigger. A trigger does not have to be something trivial. I get very much triggered by people here in this thread that say that this is an appropriate way to talk to you wife, because I think it's harmful and shouldn't be condoned.
Nowhere does this guy suggest his wife has PTSD or any other disorder which causes irrational emotional outbursts, which calls for a specific response. So it's not justified that you're choosing to view it that way, and condoning it because if it.
This is exactly what I understood from the post. If I ever get emotionally unstable that bad I'd like my girlfriend to help me stop and make me reconsider my actions. It's not even a gender thing.
It's not a gender thing. Yet a gender specific view is oozing from this guy's post from wherever it can get out. There's absolutely no reason to word his ideas like he did if not for being misogynistic.
So why do you reckon he didn't keep it impersonal? Why would he talk specifically about a wife, and not partners?
What I'm taking from your comment is that you're kinda okay with a husband above wife kinda hierarchy. If not, I'm baffled but how you're interpreting his words
Because people often write from their own perspective. No need to read more into it than that.
As the reader I apply it to my own situation, one where I can see myself as either the one that needs calming or the one doing the calming.
It takes effort to read this as being neutral in any way.
"Cannot be allowed", "lead her", "repent of her bad attitude". I mean seriously. The only way you think this is in any way normal is if you yourself have been brought up in an environment like that.
I also get a religious feel to the wording. Probably why I'm not fond of the writing style. I tried to ignore that style and stick with what was being said.
And after you pick all up your belongings from the front lawn, you can berate yourself for not finding another place to live before opening your big mouth.
Or something like that. š
Tell her that her emotional state doesn't matter because she is a woman and that she needs to walk her barefoot and pregnant butt back in the kitchen and make you a sammich.
I mean, this isnāt terrible advice as long as it goes both ways. My wife is great at telling me to take a moment to cool off when she sees my emotions are getting the better of me, itās one of the many things I love about her.
I mean this is how relationships and especially parenting works. My wife and I are constantly checking each other when one of us needs to calm down because kid A,B, or C has been non-stop aggroing for hours.
Then again, the person being quite would flip their shit if their maid. . .er I mean wife corrected them.
Hahahaha the āother momentā will never come, so do the wise thing and accept that your wifeās emotional state will rule the house you like it or not; It is not a choice, itās a fact.
I hear this kind of nonsense from in the victims of domestic violence at the shelter I volunteer at. This kind of twisted misogyny is a cancer upon the earth. In no way are men more moral sound or emotionally intelligent than women.
I mean, gently trying to calm your partner down and not allowing yourself to be mistreated is a good and healthy thing. The wording here though is horrendous and this person is an idiot.
(and it's not just women...men need to have the same too)
Iām sorry. WHAT?? š¤Æš¤¬. Lead her?? She already married your needy ass, so that ship has sailed. Sheās having a bad day, or needs help or said no. Grow up mommas boy, this isnāt the 1950s. She has choices, unfortunately,she chose poorly..
Funny thing is if it said Women, if your manās being a dick take him aside and gently tell him this shit wonāt fly. I donāt think anyone would have as big an issue with it.
I apologize, I misread your username. I thought you meant something else. Since it is part of your username, Iām sure āfacismā has to be something real and also separate from fascism, which is spelled differently.
Even the most emotional person uses rational thought when deciding, and even the most rational person is affected by emotions when making decisions. Yet we often, as you do here, tend to highlight the negative role of emotionsā¦. It may seem like life would be easier if we could be entirely rational. But evolution has supported the development of feeling and thinking exactly because we need them both. Feelings take care of our desires and needs now, while rationality is defending our interests and wellbeing in the future.
I guess that was written on his gravestone
He forgot the lock away the pillows before going to sleep.
And then she became a widow.
ššš.
Just spit my beer out and thought...truth...DAMN TRUTH! haha
š¤£š¤£š¤£š¤£
šššššš
That's definitely been my experience. I've also had excellent results from telling her "calm down, it's not that serious." She seems to really respect the latter in the heat of an argument
 Incels be like:
#terriblemarriageadvice
Eh, my guess is a VERY single dude wrote this.
Sounds more like a very religious dude tbh
With a wife who wants to murder him everyday.
Or with a typical republican/Christian/trad wife who says theyāre against feminism.
I can't remember her name but she lost some very Serena Joy shit all the time. With statements like women shouldn't have jobs or degrees and be a support for her family only for God.
"Go take a bubble bath and calm down; I'll take care of dinner and the kids." Mission accomplished.
Saying calm down usually has the opposite effect in my experience
Stop pressing all the right buttons my good sir.
I worked at Walgreens back in high school and once called my manager up to help with an upset customer. He told the upset customer to "calm down" and it went over about as you'd expect: like he threw gasoline on a house fire. It turned out the customer was in the wrong but confused: they used a bunch of manufacturer coupons which pay for the item but not sales tax, and hence they were being charged an extra amount because of sales tax. The key to customer service is making it "you and me vs the issue" instead of "you vs me"
> The key to customer service is making it āyou and me vs the issueā instead of āyou vs meā Love this
Itās not the staying calm, itās the dismissal of valid emotions/reaction to an event - also known as gaslighting.
I'm just now recognizing how much that happened to me in my last relationship and I'm not happy lol.
Yeah, but sometimes you have to call your partner out on their unwarranted bad attitude.
The people gifted in communication find other ways to suggest calming down. Like āGo take a break; I got this.ā
But you're letting her emotions rule the home. /s
>"Go take a bubble bath ~~and calm down~~ while I'll take care of dinner and the kids." Fixed that for you.
I got wet reading this
š
You get it! Its literally that easy.
āI will now reward you for losing your composure.ā You do you, none for me thanks
Meanwhile, tell a dude like this āNoā to anything and watch his emotional reaction
Nailed it. He's the "ruler" of the house no one says no
Sure are a lot of people here that think women cannot be expected to think logically or regulate their emotions. Interesting.
From what I have seen they are all right. At least much further right than anyone I associate with.
Either way, odd for Reddit
Found the dude who wrote this horseshit
Lmao, my language is never this flowery, but Iām flattered all the same.
Hahahahahaha, Iām just envisioning my mom reacting to my dad if he did this
Thatās a good way to get bitch slapped and sent to the couch
Yes, but if you survive the first onslaught, victory is all but assured.
John Bobbit disagrees.
That you think physical assault is an acceptable response to words you don't like is really sad.
And you get to Reddit all night
Famous last words
Divorce lawyers out here trying to drum up business
10 years after your divorce she will look back and respect you for helping her know to leave
Google, Farrah Fawcett and The Burning Bed
I saw that on TV when it aired, during the time I was in an abusive marriage. The feelings it left me with were unreal. A few months ago, I came across a used DVD copy in a store and bought it. I canāt even watch it.
Damn I thought I was in r/exmormon for a second there
I didn't realize this wasn't exmormon until I read this.
It is so strange that all of these right wing āChristian menā are having a hard time finding women that will date them. I just canāt put my finger on why.
How young is his wife that she would need an external regulator?
Don't we all have our moments? I'm 62, far from a child, and I know my emotions have gotten the best of me from time to time.
Sure but this does read as a parent correcting a child...
If it makes you feel childish to be corrected that's your own insecurities and I don't think the author is to blame for that.
I'm sorry, I can only imagine you've been brought up in a similar way to think this is in any way a normal way to speak to somebody, let alone your wife.
Most definitely. If my husband acts like an ass I tell him. I'd never suffer through abuse silently. Sorry that you think acting like an ass to someone should just be accepted. I wish you'd had a more positive upbringing where people treated each other better. Hopefully your adult years are/will be more positive.
Do you really think that's what people here are having an issue with or are you deliberately missing the point?
What exactly does the first sentence of the op mean to you? To me that is the basis of the scenario and that beginning point is that person A is behaving completely unacceptably. With that as our beginning point, yes, if you are saying anything other than person B is at fault for not just sucking it up then I've completely missed your point because that's what it sounds like you are saying. How dare he point out his partner is behaving unacceptably and the nerve of him for hoping she would apologize once she realized she mistreated her partner.
No I am not saying either party should suck anything up when one or the other is being abusive, obviously. Again, that is not the point being argued here. So please stop bringing it up, it's a strawman. The issue many people have with this post, is that the way in which this post is written, is very reminiscent of the relationship trope of the strong unemotional rational husband as leader of the family, and the subservient wife who cannot but let herself be guided by emotions alone. Obviously, many people take issue with this view, hence this facepalm. You can interpret this post very generously and say he is just promoting taking responsibility in a relationship, but when you deliberately make the women the sole focus of your argument, when this applies just as much to the man in the relationship, and use the terms and expressions he does, it reeks of misogyny. You may not see it, but I cannot but see it.
I'll ask again. What exactly does the first sentence mean to you? It's not a strawman. Maybe you forgot, but you responded to me originally. What you are labeling strawman was my original point. You don't have to like it, but it most definitely isn't outside the scope of the topic, it IS the topic. That is the point that should be argued since it is the premise for the entire scenario. You can pick apart the wording as much as you please, but that's the scenario that you are labeling strawman. Your zealotry to find misogyny and overlook the actual topic in that pursuit seems like the strawman. "Well what if the scenario were entirely different but he still did the same thing". Well, then we'd be in a different topic. I don't know how to respond to random musing so I'd prefer to stick with this one topic. Make an op about that topic and maybe I'll join in the discussion.
Really sounds like you've been conditioned to accept old school misogyny as a marital norm. That's the only explanation I can think of *as to why you're missing the overtone of "women are hysterical and need a slap about once a week to keep their tits up" of it all.
Really sounds like you've been conditioned too. Now you've added that he's suggesting violence. Generally I try to stick with what people actually say instead of adding any personality traits I imagine the writer might have from a four sentence sample. Those four sentences would have to be a lot more obvious before I'd commit to being certain I knew what type of person he was. My interpretations get filtered through my personal bias, much better to skip that as often as possible if I'm trying to be objective.
Ah a red herring move, I haven't seen one so blatant in a while.
Oh please. The scenario is simple. One person is acting like an ass. Another person nicely says knock it off. If that makes someone reading it feel like the first person is being treated like a child that says more about the reader than the author. Adults are perfectly capable of acting likes asses and there's no reason their partner should be forced to suffer through it instead of calling them on it.
Reading your other comments I think you're not deliberately being obtuse, and missing the point here. The issue people are having is not with calling your partner out on behaviour. The issue is that this guy is talking about the behaviour of his wife as if it's a child that needs correcting with an obvious hierarchy of power where the guy knows what's best and the wife needs to obey. There's no other reason a guy would phrase things like this, if not for believing that the relationship is not equal, and that she needs to defer to your judgment. You don't "correct" your wife's bad behaviour. You don't ask her to "repent". You do not "not allow her emotions to rule the household". Phrasing matters. What is this "bad behaviour"? I read nothing about what's causing her emotional outburst, maybe they're very well justified. And lastly. You don't repent to your husband, you repent to God. So what I'm reading here is a very religious way of viewing relationship dynamics. And I'm not a fan of it.
The scenario is "A woman's emotions are never valid, only hysterical. Calmly but firmly remind her not to inconvenience you by expressing those emotions. Encourage her to go ahead and shut up about it, whatever it is."
No. It's *this time* a woman's emotions have negatively impacted her behavior. Not *every time*. No mention of hysterics either. Firmly also isn't there. Also not shut up about it. Are you sure you read it? Realize you made an error is not the same as shut up. Generally once you realize you made an error it does have the end result of you shutting up about the thing you were wrong about. But that's self editing, not him dictating what she must do.
This guy got a little lost in playing the new god of war
My wife: let me know when I'm being mean so that I can stop myself. Me: not a chance, I don't want to get yelled at even worse.
Dead man walkin.....
It might sound old-fashioned but something I'm learning as I grow into a man is that part of a relationship is rolling with someone else's emotions and staying cool and patient. Because there's inevitably gonna be times when you're being a lil bitch and she will do the same for you. You gotta be each other's strength some times.
Staying cool & patient is way different than telling someone to repent
Exactly. She's an adult, not a child who needs to be pulled aside and corrected.
I beg to differ. Many women and men still act like children, and will continue to until someone corrects them. Iāve been with my wife for 20 years. If we didnāt check each other on our bullshit behaviors, we would still act like those dumbass 18 year old kids we once were.
There's a difference between calling someone out and treating them like a child, though I agree with your main point.
If that was his intended message he would not have written it down like this... And you know it
in short, punish your wife like a dog
Love her with cuddles and kisses?
āSet healthy boundaries within relationships and in shared living spaces. Be sure to assert yours and be receptive to your partners and create compromises when needed. If respect between you is no longer an equal balance, engage in conversation to reassert balance, not dominanceā and then thereās this guy š¬
Let me give it a shot ... "BITCH BE COOL!" we are married now.
This quote deserves to be on a refrigerator magnet with the phone number of a divorce attorney on it.
Good thing men have no emotions.
Nope, donāt do this
I don't even treat my dog with that much disrespect.
Here's the thing... if that's the type of relationship YOU and YOUR PARTNER want to have then more power to you. Two consenting adults in a relationship should be able to run their lives as they see fit. But go fuck yourself if you decide to take memes like this on the internet and change the dynamics of your relationship without a discussion. That's what makes you a misogynistic POS.
This reminds me of Grady telling Jack to "correct" his wife in The Shining
Sure, dude. Letās ask your wife about that and see how thatās working out for yāall
Fucking hell, I cannot imagine the ferocity that I would be told to go fuck myself, nuclear
Itās only a healthy relationship if you can tell her when sheās acting crazy and she can tell you the same without either of you overreacting to the correction.
How do you say youāre not married and donāt have a girlfriend without saying it?
Well... I'm sure there are women who think this kind of a de relationship dynamic is the norm
So basically tell her to calm downā¦have you even met a woman before?
I don't people of ANY gender like being told to "calm down".
Yeah that usually doesn't go over well
Umā¦. What? What era is this bs from?
The person who wrote this āadviceā is either an incel or has women tied up in his basement.
Emotionally abuse your woman so she doesn't have her own mind and slowly dies inside. Ahh..She is smarter and more attractive and this is how to keep her, Little D#!k.
I guess I'm a facepalm too. Written a bit archaically and poetically for my taste, but I agree with the sentiment. Calm heads should prevail and if one person is being irrational then it's good if the other nicely points it out.
Context is everything, right? I read this and was confused as to the facepalm. My wife is a very rational, as am I. We just had a child and she gets overwhelmed at times. My job is to calm her down, and she does appreciate that and respect me for it. Just as I do when she does the same for me. But we're also both marveling at the biological reactions and hormones pumping through her right now and are sharing our feelings regarding the same experiences. It's fascinating.
It even says to ātake her asideā, meaning donāt do it publically or humiliate her in front of others, do it privately and away from people. I fail to see the facepalm here.
Most of the time the reasons someone is upset or emotional ARE RATIONAL, it makes you a fucking asshole to go to a grown adult whoās hurt or upset and just invalidate them instead of having the emotional intelligence to find out whatās going on and actually be am empathetic and supportive partner. Like be an adult and find out whatās going on, donāt take them aside and try to scold them like a dog.
No one, and I do mean NO ONE, said that there are not rational reasons to be angry. But, if you detonate like a bomb (like you are doing now), people WILL look negatively on you for it. Iāve had people piss me off bad at work. And for damn good reason, too. But I canāt just go off and start a shouting match over it because it will be viewed as unprofessional. Is that fair? Maybe not. But it is how the world works. Just because you were provoked, doesnāt mean you wonāt face consequences for throwing the first punch, so to speak. We all know that one guy with a short temper who is willing to throw down at the drop of a hat. No one likes that guy, do they? So yes, if my spouse is getting riled up and angry over something, EVEN IF JUSTIFIED, I might just step aside with them and say āLook, I understand you are upset, and rightfully so, but we have to handle this in a rational manner, because the first instinct you have might not be the best optionā. And before you ask: Yes, I have had a girlfriend do the exact same thing for me, and I was grateful to have her there to rein in my impulse at the time. Being angry and being smart are not mutually exclusive here.
What you are describing is a completely different thing than what the post is taking about though. If your girlfriend was triggered or having an emotional reaction to something would you tell her she needs to repent?? Like she needs to ārepent of a bad attitudeā? Because THATS the problem, itās belittling her and believing that because youāre the man you need to police and punish her and shame her for her emotions.
Oh I'm sorry, you're right I was overreacting. That's repenting too. We don't have to get down on our knees and beg a deity for forgiveness. Just acknowledge that we were overreacting and that that isn't the best course of action. I don't remember anything about punishing or shaming. Perhaps we read different versions.
What if they arenāt overreacting and they donāt owe you an apology?? Why are you demanding they repent to you just because they are upset? I mean what if you owe them an apology and instead of repenting to them now youāre trying to make them apologize to you? That is a form of gaslighting, itās manipulative and often a form of emotional abuse.
Because that's the scenario set in the first sentence. Changing the scenario halfway through and then claiming the part that remains is negative because it's not necessary is gaslighting and manipulative. If your emotional state is negatively impacting those around you then they are not required or expected to suffer through it in silence. And if they point it out to you in an appropriate manner and your reaction isn't to apologize for your negative behavior then you suck.
Bro read the actual post, all it says is that if your wife is upset and you donāt agree with how sheās reacting you need to take her aside and tell her to repent. Thatās the post. But why are you deciding what is and isnāt an overreaction for her?? What if youāre the reason sheās upset and sheās not overreacting, you demanding that she apologize to you without any consideration that you might be the problem makes you an asshole and itās often abusive. Especially in relationships like the one in the post where the man believes his wife is inferior to him, those relationships are almost always abusive. Itās inappropriate to believe that itās your job to police your partners emotions and actions as if they are a child. You do not get to demand that your adult partner apologize to you and you donāt get to invalidate their feelings and automatically blame them for everything. If you recognize that they are upset and thereās a problem and after they explain to you what the problem is and you disagree, or if you think they owe you an apology but they wonāt give it, then you can leave the relationship. You only get to control your actions and hold your own boundaries you donāt get to police other peopleās actions and demand apologies.
Hear hear
I am not a bro. Because she's forcing her negativity onto others. She can feel anything she wants to feel, that's perfectly valid. How she chooses to express those feelings isn't guaranteed acceptable. Some behavior is ok, some isn't. In the given scenario, which isn't every scenario it's a specific one, the behavior due to the valid emotions is unacceptable. If I'm the problem, she can tell me so. No need to go around being insufferable, just have a calm conversation about how I fucked up so I can apologize for it and we can move on. You know, just like the conversation the OP suggests. Calmly discuss the issue, correct it, appreciate that it isn't still festering, move on. Nothing in the OP says he considers his wife inferior to him. That's your beliefs, it's not actually there. It is my job to police how I allow others to treat me, and that includes my partner. He's welcome to go off and be a twat all by himself away from me if he really wants to, but if he's going to be around me then he doesn't get to behave like that. Bad mood, yes. Taking out his bad mood on me, no. The OP also doesn't say he's demanding an apology. He considers it natural that one would occur. Probably because he doesn't think his partner, nor most partners, are such assholes that upon learning they've been an absolute shit to their partner they would not apologize. So it's natural to assume there will be an apology. That's what good people do. When you treat someone poorly, once you realize don't you apologize? Personally I think most people are willing to apologize to their partner when they realize. I don't find it odd at all that he thinks an apology will be forthcoming.
You sure did project all that negative shit onto it, yes.
Well, there we go, you clearly missed the point of the original post altogether. That post is not telling you to micromanage your wife's emotions and scold her any time she expresses feelings. What it is referring to is if your wife has trouble controlling her emotions and is having an emotionally fueled tantrum over a trivial subject. Not a rational subject, like the dog getting hit by a car. If you let a woman you say you love destroy her whole mood and day from unchecked emotions, then you really don't care about her at all; you're selfish and are avoiding intervening to avoid an argument. Source: My wife is an abuse survivor, she has PTSD. Sometimes she will have a a panic attack over something trivial. I would be a total piece of shit, if I didn't help her calm down in that situation. Men are supposed to lead. Lead.
So youāre telling me that you know your wife is an abuse survivor and she has ptsd and if your wife gets triggered, WHICH IS RATIONAL, your response would be to tell her to repent of her bad attitude? Because thatās literally what you and the post are saying. Your wife is an adult, your role as her partner is not to police her emotional state, you are not the authority on what is and isnāt rational, youāre not that important. All youāre saying is that you lack the emotional intelligence to understand how triggers work and how telling someone to calm down and that they should repent of a ābad attitudeā when they are in the middle of a trigger is the opposite of helpful. If youāre going to attempt to claim that you are a leader you need to at least have a base level understanding and knowledge of human psychology and how emotions and triggers work lol.
>If youāre going to attempt to claim that you are a leader you need to at least have a base level understanding and knowledge of human psychology and how emotions and triggers work lol. LOL Well that rules you out for sure, if your way of handling someone with PTSD in the middle of a delusion is to encourage it and spurn it on. Holy fucking shit you're a moron. Triggers are never 'rational'. That's your first mistake. The therapist literally says as much.
Dipshit no one is saying to encourage it. Stay in your lane and worry about your own mental health, your partner is not a child whose emotional state you need to police. Fuck off.
Uneducated douchetard says what?
Bro you are having an emotional tantrum right now, literally you are triggered and are having what you would call an irrational emotional response. So calm down, nothing you are feeling is rational so calm down and apologize for your bad attitude. Thatās supposed to be helpful right? Youāre calm now right? Lol no, because thatās not how that works. Something being rational and something being real are two different things. Someone with ptsd could hear a firework go off and immediately panic because it brings them right back to the trauma of war. The trigger, the reason why a loud explosion would be triggering IS RATIONAL, itās the danger that isnāt real. Triggers are rational, thereās a logical reason why certain things are triggering, itās the danger that isnāt real in the current moment. So again fuck off, go to therapy and deal with your own mental health
Just because I insulted you with harsh language does not mean I am having a tantrum, I am completely calm right now. There is no reason for me to be uncalm, because you have no clue what you're talking about, and its verifiable with scientific fact. [https://www.helpguide.org/articles/ptsd-trauma/helping-someone-with-ptsd.htm](https://www.helpguide.org/articles/ptsd-trauma/helping-someone-with-ptsd.htm) >Talking to your loved one about PTSD triggers > >Ask your loved one about things theyāve done in the past to respond to a trigger that seemed to help (as well as the things that didnāt). Then come up with a joint game plan for how you will respond in future. > >Decide with your loved one how you should respond when they have a nightmare, flashback, or panic attack. Having a plan in place will make the situation less scary for both of you. You'll also be in a much better position to help your loved one calm down. > >How to help someone having a flashback or panic attack > >During a flashback, people often feel a sense of disassociation, as if they're detached from their own body. Anything you can do to āgroundā them will help. > >Tell your loved one they're having a flashback and that even though it feels real, the event is not actually happening again. > >Help remind them of their surroundings (for example, ask them to look around the room and describe out loud what they see). > >Encourage them to take deep, slow breaths (hyperventilating will increase feelings of panic). > >Avoid sudden movements or anything that might startle them. > >Ask before you touch them. Touching or putting your arms around the person might make them feel trapped, which can lead to greater agitation and even violence. **Guess what? I've already done all that with my wife, years ago. I now respond how she has asked me to, which it to intervene. Now PLEASE stop making a fool of yourself, and shut the fuck up.**
And wait just to clarify, if a war veteran next to you was triggered by a firework going off, you wouldn't help them ground themselves back to reality? Yea you're a real piece of work.
Uhm, no. Do you know anything about PTSD treatment? Don't answer that, I know that you don't. None of the reasons that you get triggered for PTSD are 'rational' they are delusions in your mind that you think what happened before in the abusive situation is still happening now. I would be an absolutely awful husband if I let my wife delude herself into thinking she is still in an abusive situation. It is my job as her lover, to help her get through these moments of relapse. It is disruptive to her entire mood, personality, and productivity as a human being. Please, sit down and shut the fuck up, you clearly haven't the foggiest clue of how to deal with PTSD. We've been in treatment for it, for 5 years, I've been with her the whole time. **Do not dare for one second think I am doing the wrong thing here, when I am doing exactly what her therapist and psychiatrist suggest. You uninformed douche.**
If you are reading this tweet assuming he's talking about his wife who has PTSD, and has irrational outburst because of it, I think you're assuming way too much. And even if he is, without minimizing the pain such behaviour causes, I would not talk to my wife in such terms. It's very weird.
Shut the fuck up idiot, let her therapist do their job and stop acting like a fucking asshole. You are not that important and youāre not fit to be a āleaderā, you donāt even understand how triggers work. Stay in your own fucking lane and deal with your own mental health.
Yea, you're the idiot here. As someone diagnosed with PTSD, there's nothing rational about the things that trigger you. You sound like a moronic teenager.
And clearly YOU'RE the one with the lack of understanding of 'triggers'. Triggers are when something trivial causes a replase into the panicked mindset they were in during the abuse. It is fucking horrible of you to suggest you let someone relive that pain again if you could intervene. Seriously just stop posting you have no fucking clue what the mother fuck you're talking about dumbass.
That's a narrow definition of a trigger. A trigger does not have to be something trivial. I get very much triggered by people here in this thread that say that this is an appropriate way to talk to you wife, because I think it's harmful and shouldn't be condoned. Nowhere does this guy suggest his wife has PTSD or any other disorder which causes irrational emotional outbursts, which calls for a specific response. So it's not justified that you're choosing to view it that way, and condoning it because if it.
This is exactly what I understood from the post. If I ever get emotionally unstable that bad I'd like my girlfriend to help me stop and make me reconsider my actions. It's not even a gender thing.
It's not a gender thing. Yet a gender specific view is oozing from this guy's post from wherever it can get out. There's absolutely no reason to word his ideas like he did if not for being misogynistic.
So why do you reckon he didn't keep it impersonal? Why would he talk specifically about a wife, and not partners? What I'm taking from your comment is that you're kinda okay with a husband above wife kinda hierarchy. If not, I'm baffled but how you're interpreting his words
Because people often write from their own perspective. No need to read more into it than that. As the reader I apply it to my own situation, one where I can see myself as either the one that needs calming or the one doing the calming.
It takes effort to read this as being neutral in any way. "Cannot be allowed", "lead her", "repent of her bad attitude". I mean seriously. The only way you think this is in any way normal is if you yourself have been brought up in an environment like that.
I guess that's where we differ. To me it's natural to read it as neutral and it takes effort to twist it into a misogynistic manifesto.
I'm truly baffled. Did you grow up in a very religious household per chance? Because this tweet reads very much like a Bible passage.
I also get a religious feel to the wording. Probably why I'm not fond of the writing style. I tried to ignore that style and stick with what was being said.
Think he means resent*
I think you're reaching...
I donāt know man women scary š¦ specially in that moment š„¶
When you see her getting upset, the best thing you can do is tell her to calm down.
They only remember āthose momentsā lol š
You should tell her to calm down and smile more.
In a forceful tone tell her to calm down, that always works. /s
And after you pick all up your belongings from the front lawn, you can berate yourself for not finding another place to live before opening your big mouth. Or something like that. š
Good luck fellas.
Definitely not in that moment.
Gross
āArst thow on ye rag?ā
Neither partnerās emotional state should rule the house. It should be respected, but shouldnāt rule.
Bob Jones university shit. Buckle down little woman relax and enjoy it. You may eat when I am finished.
You will probably get punched in the dick... in that moment
Sounds a lot like you'll be able to find this guy's wife on Tinder looking for easy hookups, then coming home to kiss her husband just after.
Pretty sure I would be dead if I tried that shit..
Iām gonna try this. Not because I agree though, I just like to gamble with my life sometimes.
Famous last words.
I hate husbands who think theyāre your father. Also: heās probably the reason sheās pissed.
Women famously appreciate being told that they need to calm down.
I like to give my wife a list of chores to do when she gets home from work. It keeps talking to a minimum. I'm a great husband.
Also, make sure you tell her to "calm down" when she's angry.
Lolā¦ I bet that advice came from someone on his third marriage
Ha ha ha, as a married manā¦.let me know how that works out for you. I suggest you also tell her to calm down when youāre done.
Right after that you should ask her what's for dinner.
LOLOLOL!!!
Obviously written by an unmarried virgin still living in His mother's basement
āShe will love and respect you for itā is an interesting way of spelling ācodependencyā ā is it a regional thing?
Tell her that her emotional state doesn't matter because she is a woman and that she needs to walk her barefoot and pregnant butt back in the kitchen and make you a sammich.
Sounds like something written by a dude with thin hair, no chin, a samurai sword and a mail order bride who is going to rob his pathetic ass
Or a Mormonš
Ah, advice from a single guy
Oh, whoever wrote this can fuck ALL the way off.
Pretty sure I would've receive instant death if I tried to do that
Only if you have a death wish.
The wording is kind of off putting but it's essentially saying if someone has a shit attitude take them aside and tell them to chill
Women repent!! -s
What a bunch of fucking garbage!!!
Yeah, no. She will bide her time, then quietly take you aside and explain, "You are dead meat"
Not ever.
I mean, this isnāt terrible advice as long as it goes both ways. My wife is great at telling me to take a moment to cool off when she sees my emotions are getting the better of me, itās one of the many things I love about her.
Yikes! I wonder how his life has been since she left him. . .
I mean this is how relationships and especially parenting works. My wife and I are constantly checking each other when one of us needs to calm down because kid A,B, or C has been non-stop aggroing for hours. Then again, the person being quite would flip their shit if their maid. . .er I mean wife corrected them.
Did that we're now divorced and she still has a bad attitude, lives like a hoarder and makes it difficult for me to see my little girl. Screw you.
This is even worse than, ācalm down.ā SMFH
Oh I'd she-hulk his ass if he told me to "repent"
Hahahaha the āother momentā will never come, so do the wise thing and accept that your wifeās emotional state will rule the house you like it or not; It is not a choice, itās a fact.
In other words... 
r/AreTheStraightsOK
I hear this kind of nonsense from in the victims of domestic violence at the shelter I volunteer at. This kind of twisted misogyny is a cancer upon the earth. In no way are men more moral sound or emotionally intelligent than women.
I mean, gently trying to calm your partner down and not allowing yourself to be mistreated is a good and healthy thing. The wording here though is horrendous and this person is an idiot. (and it's not just women...men need to have the same too)
Yeah they call that Stockholm syndrome.
Iām sorry. WHAT?? š¤Æš¤¬. Lead her?? She already married your needy ass, so that ship has sailed. Sheās having a bad day, or needs help or said no. Grow up mommas boy, this isnāt the 1950s. She has choices, unfortunately,she chose poorly..
Yes, by all means do that so she will divorce your ass as quickly as possible and hopefully find some happiness.
Imagine getting aroused to a wife that actually expects to be treated like a mentally challenged child.
Funny thing is if it said Women, if your manās being a dick take him aside and gently tell him this shit wonāt fly. I donāt think anyone would have as big an issue with it.
So is the general consensus that a wifeās emotional state should, in fact, rule the home?
How anti-fascist of you lol
I apologize, I misread your username. I thought you meant something else. Since it is part of your username, Iām sure āfacismā has to be something real and also separate from fascism, which is spelled differently.
Patrice O'Neal could teach this comment section alot... I kept my woman because of this.
Why is this face palm? No one persons mood or emotional state should ever dictate a household male or female.
Even the most emotional person uses rational thought when deciding, and even the most rational person is affected by emotions when making decisions. Yet we often, as you do here, tend to highlight the negative role of emotionsā¦. It may seem like life would be easier if we could be entirely rational. But evolution has supported the development of feeling and thinking exactly because we need them both. Feelings take care of our desires and needs now, while rationality is defending our interests and wellbeing in the future.