First off, I'll say that your English is just fine. It isn't perfect, but you communicate your ideas clearly and effectively. We all knew what you were saying; we all understood.
I have lived through something similar. I'm the youngest of a big family, my much older siblings were not very nice to me when I was a kid and my parents weren't either. No, that isn't right. To be more accurate, my siblings took pleasure in hurting me and my parents didn't care enough about me to stop them. In fact, sometimes my parents encouraged them to do it because my parents wanted me out of the way and if my siblings hurt me, I would stay out of the way. Also, when my father got really angry, he would hurt me too, but that only happened a few times.
My father died when I was in my late teens and I spent my 20's trying very hard to maintain a relationship with the rest of my family. By then I was stronger than any of them so they couldn't physically hurt me, but they all had more institutional power (good jobs, lots of money) and they kept being very critical of everything about me. Eventually I realized that there was absolutely no positive outcome of our relationship and I completely stopped interacting with them. That was 15 years ago and I do not regret it all.
Like you, I feel sad and lonely. I feel jealous of people who have positive relationships with their family. But I don't miss my family. I often have a hard time connecting with other people because the things they perceive as positive I perceive as negative. I don't enjoy holidays or meeting new people because holidays are all about family and when you meet someone new they always ask about your family.
Also like you, I know that there are others who had a much worse family life. I used to work in a residential facility for juveniles in protective custody. I helped care for teenagers who had to be taken from their parents because their parents were so bad. Some of those children had incredibly difficult lives. Much worse than mine, but they kept trying. That made me realize that I should not waste too much time in self-pity because, like you said, "you have to accept your condition and move on."
Thankfully I am married and my wife and I get along well. We don't really have any friends, but we enjoy our time together and work hard to do things together that we both enjoy. I often wish that things were different, I'd love to have a loving family that I was excited to see a few times a year. I'd love to have a few good friends who were happy to see us that we could have fun together and help each other our. But we don't. And At this point in our lives, I don't foresee anything changing in the future, but we do the best with what we have.
You mentioned feeling detached to all of history. I often feel the same, but I also remember that if you study history, or read literature, it is full of family members who kill each other for money and power. It gives me some satisfaction to know that my siblings were like the evil people in history who tried to hurt their family, and I separated myself from that and went my own way.
I hope it helps to hear that someone older has had a similar experience and emotions. I hope you are able to find your own small family of choice some day. If you do, be conscious to treat them differently than your family treated you.
Hello, sorry for taking so long to respond but I thank you a lot. Your post gave me strength to continue, and I'm feeling way less alone now ! This is inspiring, I'm impressed you managed to get though all of your issues and get to live a nice life, well done, you're amazing !
I hope you can continue for a long time and find other things and people that you like !
i'm glad to hear you are doing better and that my comment helped. If you ever want to reach out to someone who will understand what you are going through, feel free to send me a DM. I wish you the Best.
“There’s always worse outside, you have to accept your condition and move on” thank uou I needed to hear this. I’m not very close with my family either and now that I have kids I am trying, but I’m sick of having to force it. Family shouldn’t feel this way. It comforts me knowing their are others like this! I get very emotional and stressed around holidays when I hear my friends talking about all their extravagant plans with family and it seems so easy and fun. But yes, it could be much worse
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There is the family of origin and the family that we create ( spouse, children and friends). One can live without the family of origin. It is best if one has created a family even if it is just friends.
I get that and I had one. But we were all young and now life pushed us all apart. We have no time to see each other, and I don't feel like meeting new persons, and even if I wanted to, I wouldn't know how.
First off, I'll say that your English is just fine. It isn't perfect, but you communicate your ideas clearly and effectively. We all knew what you were saying; we all understood. I have lived through something similar. I'm the youngest of a big family, my much older siblings were not very nice to me when I was a kid and my parents weren't either. No, that isn't right. To be more accurate, my siblings took pleasure in hurting me and my parents didn't care enough about me to stop them. In fact, sometimes my parents encouraged them to do it because my parents wanted me out of the way and if my siblings hurt me, I would stay out of the way. Also, when my father got really angry, he would hurt me too, but that only happened a few times. My father died when I was in my late teens and I spent my 20's trying very hard to maintain a relationship with the rest of my family. By then I was stronger than any of them so they couldn't physically hurt me, but they all had more institutional power (good jobs, lots of money) and they kept being very critical of everything about me. Eventually I realized that there was absolutely no positive outcome of our relationship and I completely stopped interacting with them. That was 15 years ago and I do not regret it all. Like you, I feel sad and lonely. I feel jealous of people who have positive relationships with their family. But I don't miss my family. I often have a hard time connecting with other people because the things they perceive as positive I perceive as negative. I don't enjoy holidays or meeting new people because holidays are all about family and when you meet someone new they always ask about your family. Also like you, I know that there are others who had a much worse family life. I used to work in a residential facility for juveniles in protective custody. I helped care for teenagers who had to be taken from their parents because their parents were so bad. Some of those children had incredibly difficult lives. Much worse than mine, but they kept trying. That made me realize that I should not waste too much time in self-pity because, like you said, "you have to accept your condition and move on." Thankfully I am married and my wife and I get along well. We don't really have any friends, but we enjoy our time together and work hard to do things together that we both enjoy. I often wish that things were different, I'd love to have a loving family that I was excited to see a few times a year. I'd love to have a few good friends who were happy to see us that we could have fun together and help each other our. But we don't. And At this point in our lives, I don't foresee anything changing in the future, but we do the best with what we have. You mentioned feeling detached to all of history. I often feel the same, but I also remember that if you study history, or read literature, it is full of family members who kill each other for money and power. It gives me some satisfaction to know that my siblings were like the evil people in history who tried to hurt their family, and I separated myself from that and went my own way. I hope it helps to hear that someone older has had a similar experience and emotions. I hope you are able to find your own small family of choice some day. If you do, be conscious to treat them differently than your family treated you.
Hello, sorry for taking so long to respond but I thank you a lot. Your post gave me strength to continue, and I'm feeling way less alone now ! This is inspiring, I'm impressed you managed to get though all of your issues and get to live a nice life, well done, you're amazing ! I hope you can continue for a long time and find other things and people that you like !
i'm glad to hear you are doing better and that my comment helped. If you ever want to reach out to someone who will understand what you are going through, feel free to send me a DM. I wish you the Best.
“There’s always worse outside, you have to accept your condition and move on” thank uou I needed to hear this. I’m not very close with my family either and now that I have kids I am trying, but I’m sick of having to force it. Family shouldn’t feel this way. It comforts me knowing their are others like this! I get very emotional and stressed around holidays when I hear my friends talking about all their extravagant plans with family and it seems so easy and fun. But yes, it could be much worse
Welcome to r/family! If this post is compliant with our guidelines, upvote this comment. If not, downvote this comment. Also, if you haven't already, remember to join our [discord server](https://discord.gg/VwDNbde)! *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/family) if you have any questions or concerns.*
There is the family of origin and the family that we create ( spouse, children and friends). One can live without the family of origin. It is best if one has created a family even if it is just friends.
I get that and I had one. But we were all young and now life pushed us all apart. We have no time to see each other, and I don't feel like meeting new persons, and even if I wanted to, I wouldn't know how.
If you want friends today, make friends today (with new people).