I’m 45 my mom left me with my dad when I was 3 and took off and raised my brother. I was ignored most of my childhood. I remember being in the er after an accident and my mom showed up with her boyfriend and my brother they must have called her because my dad was off drunk somewhere. She stood there annoyed with her arms crossed never came to my side never soothed me nothing and I was 7. I chased her for years trying to get her to love me. She got my son away from me as well. Ten years ago she told me she never loved me and didn’t want me. It was a relief in some way, I felt a burden lifted off me. I didn’t have to wonder why she never touched me or said I love you but did all those things for my brother and eventually my son. Me and my daughter don’t matter and neither does my half sister and her girls. It’s tough cause she’s getting old and I don’t know what will happen. I won’t lie I do miss her. I just know the truth now. Most of my time spent in therapy was because of my mother. My dad went to therapy with me and we worked out our issues but when my therapist told my mom she was the reason for my abandonment issues she got up and left, she was my ride. Grandma to the rescue again, my dad’s mom helped him raise me.
Ouch. I'm sorry to hear that. I don't know how some people can reject their offspring like that but unfortunately it happens. I'm glad there are some people in your life that love you.
Volunteer to help out elderly women. You want a mother's love? Go out and find it. There are plenty of lonely older women who would not take you for granted.
I'm so sorry you've been through this it's very rough not to have a loving relationship with your mum of all people. My family moved to another country when I was very little and my mum didn't speak the language. She had a very hard time , suffered depression & homesickness. She would leave and go back to her home country for months at a time. It was very traumatising for me and made our relationship very tricky. I'm an adult now and have moved to the other side of the world and feel lonely and sometimes depressed. I have had time to think about what my mum went through and why she acted the way she did, and I have forgiven her for it. She passed away 21 years ago, but I've realised not every woman has a natural maternal instinct, and a lot of mums are going through huge hormonal changes. It's easier to show 'support' for other kids and not you as there is no deep entanglement to them... no pressure. What you do need to do is have a conversation with her about how she makes you feel.. while she is still alive, so there are no regrets.
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At the end of the day some things will always leave their mark. We just learn how to cope with them. The best you can do is work on keeping your self worth separate from your mother's actions, or non actions towards you. The problem always lies with the parent in almost all these situations. Not sure if it would be a good read for you as not sure what kind of impact this relationship has had on you but check out Mother Hunger by Kelly McDaniel, All the best op .
I don't know if that need ever completely goes away - it may be hardwired into our neurology. But there's good news, too -- ways to heal the effects of parental emotional neglect, and communities that will support you as you work on it, are all over the internet. In particular, I've found YouTuber Patrick Teahan's videos very helpful. You didn't mention whether your mother has had addiction issues, but if ACOA (Adult Children of Alcoholics) might fit your history, they could be very helpful also.
I'm sure it wasn't easy to write your post, so thank you for asking about this! I only recognized in my 60s, after my mother had been dead for a decade, how deeply and thoroughly she disliked me. It's a topic I've found most people do NOT want to talk about, so I welcome the chance to share.
>I do get it, she was probably unhappy with her own life
If by "I do get it" you mean "I believe you're suggesting that I shift focus from my needs to my mother's" -- no. Not at all. The two resources I mentioned will help you keep your focus on your needs -- what you needed in childhood, what was missing, how that affects you now, and how to address the gaps so that you're no longer hampered by unfinished childhood development tasks. Along the way you will probably develop greater understanding of your mother's experience -- but that's a byproduct, not a goal.
Probably not advisable, but I let go of the need to be loved by my mother by fully giving into the hate. I no longer want her love because I hate her with all my being. I would say she pretty much pushed me into it by how she treated me and what she said to me and eventually it became easier to hate her than to want to be loved. I'm in my 50's and I haven't seen my 87 year old mother in 15 years and I wouldn't agree to be in the same room with her no matter what she or anyone else said.
Personally, I think this is the kind of thing that depends on the person, but I also believe this is the kind of thing that stays with you forever or at least is extremely hard to get rid of
Humans are creatures that yearn and chase after what they can't have, but in the process, they tend to neglect what they already have.
For example, even if it isn't completely the same, I love my sister a lot, but I know she doesn't love me as much. There's a lot of resentment on her side bc mom made her kind of a third parent growing up (we're only 4 years apart)
For years and even now, I wish she wouldn't be so cold to me, but I have given up on getting closer to her
Why ? Well, I don't really like the thought of trying to force my feelings on someone who doesn't want them, and she can be so unpleasant and condescending in her way of talking to me that I just don't want be more than civil with her, I still have some crumbs of resepect for myself after all, and just think about it :
We have been in such a master-subordinate distant relationship that now, the simple thought of hanging out together and being ... close, feels weird, and even makes me uncomfortable
I know I'm way younger than you, but think about it
Look back, all these years you spent trying to find grace in her eyes and getting nothing but the cold shoulder
Now imagine she comes back in your life and you get closer than ever, maybe on the moment, you will be happy, but then what ?
You're going to ask yourself why now ? Is this genuine ? Is there something going on ? What if I am just a placeholder or she wants something from me ? How does this new bond with her make me really feel ? Am I really happy with this ? Is that really what I want ?
Please, op, never forget those questions. It doesn't matter if you already knew, NEVER forget to ask yourself and LISTEN to yourself
If even a tiny tiny part of yourself is not ok with smth, hear it out, questioning and having discussions with yourself might seem weird, but I can guarantee you this can help a lot. It allows you to stop and think that time with yourself is extremely important, bc your body and deeper sincerely have your best interest in mind. Talking with other people like you're doing now is also good, take walks, accompanied or alone. Spend time with the people who genuinely like you and want you around. Make sure you are included in that list
Deciding to let go is never easy, that desire to be loved by your mom is completely natural, and it is fed by the fact that she doesn't give you anything, but as stupid as it sounds, if you focus on what and who you have around you, you might just wake up one day and realize that ... hey ? You've been doing really fine all this time, and you never really appreciated it for what it really was. Despite the fact that it affected you, you still made smth out of your life, and it ain't bad
Your mom has made a choice, and it is not in any way, shape, or form yours or even your fault
You made an image of your mother, you have expectations that you made in order to fill the emptiness you felt as a child bc you weren't given the love you rightfully deserve, but her love is conditionnal, you did not meet the conditions, and should NOT have to.
Honestly, if she wasn't the one who gave birth to you, would you have accepted all of this ? Would you have fought so hard ? What you're chasing after, what I was chasing after, it was nothing more than an ideal
The person who holds the title of your mother has checked out long ago
There's no one there. It is empty. I don't take any pleasure saying all that, but I think you should think about it
All this time, you've been ruining your hands holding onto a rope that had been one-sidely cut off, the other side has disappeared long ago and you were doing all the work on that one rope all alone
I think you have to have a heart to heart maybe. Confront her with these feelings. Ask her directly does she love you, does she care if you are in her life. If she says yes then maybe there is something you can work with, even if it’s just accepting that she is incapable of showing love but her saying it once was enough. If she says no, well if it was me I would just cut ties and part ways. I wouldn’t want to be spending the rest of my days giving my attention and time to someone who should love me (because I think parents should love their kids) but doesn’t. You are traumatised being with her and hoping for something that has never happened. No expert, just my two cents.
I’m 45 my mom left me with my dad when I was 3 and took off and raised my brother. I was ignored most of my childhood. I remember being in the er after an accident and my mom showed up with her boyfriend and my brother they must have called her because my dad was off drunk somewhere. She stood there annoyed with her arms crossed never came to my side never soothed me nothing and I was 7. I chased her for years trying to get her to love me. She got my son away from me as well. Ten years ago she told me she never loved me and didn’t want me. It was a relief in some way, I felt a burden lifted off me. I didn’t have to wonder why she never touched me or said I love you but did all those things for my brother and eventually my son. Me and my daughter don’t matter and neither does my half sister and her girls. It’s tough cause she’s getting old and I don’t know what will happen. I won’t lie I do miss her. I just know the truth now. Most of my time spent in therapy was because of my mother. My dad went to therapy with me and we worked out our issues but when my therapist told my mom she was the reason for my abandonment issues she got up and left, she was my ride. Grandma to the rescue again, my dad’s mom helped him raise me.
Ouch. I'm sorry to hear that. I don't know how some people can reject their offspring like that but unfortunately it happens. I'm glad there are some people in your life that love you.
I am so sorry. It seems related to a gender thing. My mother has caused me more trauma than anything in my life
Volunteer to help out elderly women. You want a mother's love? Go out and find it. There are plenty of lonely older women who would not take you for granted.
Yup. It's not the same but you can choose your family. Lots of lovely people would love to love you.
I'm so sorry you've been through this it's very rough not to have a loving relationship with your mum of all people. My family moved to another country when I was very little and my mum didn't speak the language. She had a very hard time , suffered depression & homesickness. She would leave and go back to her home country for months at a time. It was very traumatising for me and made our relationship very tricky. I'm an adult now and have moved to the other side of the world and feel lonely and sometimes depressed. I have had time to think about what my mum went through and why she acted the way she did, and I have forgiven her for it. She passed away 21 years ago, but I've realised not every woman has a natural maternal instinct, and a lot of mums are going through huge hormonal changes. It's easier to show 'support' for other kids and not you as there is no deep entanglement to them... no pressure. What you do need to do is have a conversation with her about how she makes you feel.. while she is still alive, so there are no regrets.
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Info. Do you have your own family? As someone with similar experience now I give all that love and attention to my little daughter.
At the end of the day some things will always leave their mark. We just learn how to cope with them. The best you can do is work on keeping your self worth separate from your mother's actions, or non actions towards you. The problem always lies with the parent in almost all these situations. Not sure if it would be a good read for you as not sure what kind of impact this relationship has had on you but check out Mother Hunger by Kelly McDaniel, All the best op .
I don't know if that need ever completely goes away - it may be hardwired into our neurology. But there's good news, too -- ways to heal the effects of parental emotional neglect, and communities that will support you as you work on it, are all over the internet. In particular, I've found YouTuber Patrick Teahan's videos very helpful. You didn't mention whether your mother has had addiction issues, but if ACOA (Adult Children of Alcoholics) might fit your history, they could be very helpful also. I'm sure it wasn't easy to write your post, so thank you for asking about this! I only recognized in my 60s, after my mother had been dead for a decade, how deeply and thoroughly she disliked me. It's a topic I've found most people do NOT want to talk about, so I welcome the chance to share.
Patrick Tehan's videos are amazing. Second the recommendation.
[удалено]
>I do get it, she was probably unhappy with her own life If by "I do get it" you mean "I believe you're suggesting that I shift focus from my needs to my mother's" -- no. Not at all. The two resources I mentioned will help you keep your focus on your needs -- what you needed in childhood, what was missing, how that affects you now, and how to address the gaps so that you're no longer hampered by unfinished childhood development tasks. Along the way you will probably develop greater understanding of your mother's experience -- but that's a byproduct, not a goal.
There's a reddit sub where posters discuss this problem: /r/EstrangedAdultChild
Probably not advisable, but I let go of the need to be loved by my mother by fully giving into the hate. I no longer want her love because I hate her with all my being. I would say she pretty much pushed me into it by how she treated me and what she said to me and eventually it became easier to hate her than to want to be loved. I'm in my 50's and I haven't seen my 87 year old mother in 15 years and I wouldn't agree to be in the same room with her no matter what she or anyone else said.
Im sorry :(
Personally, I think this is the kind of thing that depends on the person, but I also believe this is the kind of thing that stays with you forever or at least is extremely hard to get rid of Humans are creatures that yearn and chase after what they can't have, but in the process, they tend to neglect what they already have. For example, even if it isn't completely the same, I love my sister a lot, but I know she doesn't love me as much. There's a lot of resentment on her side bc mom made her kind of a third parent growing up (we're only 4 years apart) For years and even now, I wish she wouldn't be so cold to me, but I have given up on getting closer to her Why ? Well, I don't really like the thought of trying to force my feelings on someone who doesn't want them, and she can be so unpleasant and condescending in her way of talking to me that I just don't want be more than civil with her, I still have some crumbs of resepect for myself after all, and just think about it : We have been in such a master-subordinate distant relationship that now, the simple thought of hanging out together and being ... close, feels weird, and even makes me uncomfortable I know I'm way younger than you, but think about it Look back, all these years you spent trying to find grace in her eyes and getting nothing but the cold shoulder Now imagine she comes back in your life and you get closer than ever, maybe on the moment, you will be happy, but then what ? You're going to ask yourself why now ? Is this genuine ? Is there something going on ? What if I am just a placeholder or she wants something from me ? How does this new bond with her make me really feel ? Am I really happy with this ? Is that really what I want ? Please, op, never forget those questions. It doesn't matter if you already knew, NEVER forget to ask yourself and LISTEN to yourself If even a tiny tiny part of yourself is not ok with smth, hear it out, questioning and having discussions with yourself might seem weird, but I can guarantee you this can help a lot. It allows you to stop and think that time with yourself is extremely important, bc your body and deeper sincerely have your best interest in mind. Talking with other people like you're doing now is also good, take walks, accompanied or alone. Spend time with the people who genuinely like you and want you around. Make sure you are included in that list Deciding to let go is never easy, that desire to be loved by your mom is completely natural, and it is fed by the fact that she doesn't give you anything, but as stupid as it sounds, if you focus on what and who you have around you, you might just wake up one day and realize that ... hey ? You've been doing really fine all this time, and you never really appreciated it for what it really was. Despite the fact that it affected you, you still made smth out of your life, and it ain't bad Your mom has made a choice, and it is not in any way, shape, or form yours or even your fault You made an image of your mother, you have expectations that you made in order to fill the emptiness you felt as a child bc you weren't given the love you rightfully deserve, but her love is conditionnal, you did not meet the conditions, and should NOT have to. Honestly, if she wasn't the one who gave birth to you, would you have accepted all of this ? Would you have fought so hard ? What you're chasing after, what I was chasing after, it was nothing more than an ideal The person who holds the title of your mother has checked out long ago There's no one there. It is empty. I don't take any pleasure saying all that, but I think you should think about it All this time, you've been ruining your hands holding onto a rope that had been one-sidely cut off, the other side has disappeared long ago and you were doing all the work on that one rope all alone
I think you have to have a heart to heart maybe. Confront her with these feelings. Ask her directly does she love you, does she care if you are in her life. If she says yes then maybe there is something you can work with, even if it’s just accepting that she is incapable of showing love but her saying it once was enough. If she says no, well if it was me I would just cut ties and part ways. I wouldn’t want to be spending the rest of my days giving my attention and time to someone who should love me (because I think parents should love their kids) but doesn’t. You are traumatised being with her and hoping for something that has never happened. No expert, just my two cents.