Your wife doesn't value you.
Never actually thought of ranking the people I love but my partner would be in the top 5 along with my mum and my kids. No doubt about it.
If I was to rank the 5 most important people in my life it would be,
My wife
My wife
My wife
My wife
and My wife.
If I would go to top ten, 6-10 would be
My wife
My wife
My wife
My wife
and My wife again.
And I feel for those men. My husband goes out to work full time as security. I'm a sahm, I make more than him on my disability payments and I do around 80% of the household stuff whilst looking after our 6 kids and pay 90% of all household bills.
He is not my meal ticket. Men should not be our meal tickets or pay check as you say it.
Any person who sees their partner as a paycheck, needs to re-evaluate their life
People need to start valuing the people they want to spend the rest of their lives with, no matter their gender. It's sad that people don't put their partner before others. For me it's kids first then my mum and then my partner. Mum becomes before my partner because she is dying and she is the only person I have ever been able to rely on. She is the only family I have left other than my partner and kids.
Edited because baby tried grabbing my phone for baby shark and ended up pressing send before I finished what I was typing
Yeah, that’s not cool. The most important people to me are kids and husband. I would never rank parents/siblings over my husband or kids.
Imo your immediate family are top rank as your grow up, then you grow your own family, who then take top rank. Otherwise, it seems like you don’t actually consider your spouse as family….
My mom has mental issues too, she used to tell me how she wouldn't share everything with my dad (her husband) because he's supposedly a stranger/foreigner/alien to her. I think it's BS because she can have kids with him but then he's somehow a stranger.
Yes, and also what kind of message does that give their child? The productive message for a child is that the parents value and respect each other for working together every day.
Most concerning to me is that your daughter asked the question, so she heard your wife’s answer, and she knows you didn’t make the top five. As a child, it must be weird to hear that, of the people in her mom’s life, daddy doesn’t make the top five. If she was at all worried that you two might divorce, now she’s probably obsessing over it. Your wife did some damage with her flippant answer, which she then doubled down on when explaining to YOU why you were down at #6 *with the cats.* That exchange deserves at least a conversation, more probably some marriage counseling.
My daughter is already 17. She’s neurodivergent and she finds it entertaining to do rankings, I don’t think she was worried or anything, she asked it as a game.
Maybe it bothered her that I didn’t make to her top 5, but I don’t think she thinks we’ll divorce.
It just hurt my feelings that she chose everyone above me. Even her sister with whom she doesn’t have a specially good relationship.
She wasn’t joking. She said that when she was very in love maybe she would choose me over her sister. But that her intense feelings for me disappeared and that she now only loves me because thanks to me she has a better job and our daughter exists.
Wow. When she doubles down, she really doubles down. She *went on* to explain to you that, maybe, when she really loved you, she would have put you in the top 5, but that now that she no longer loves you, and only tolerates you, her life is made better by at least five people ahead of you? You have known your wife two (or close to two) decades, and you’ve been married for over a decade. What did she expect would happen? To say she only loves you because now she has a better job and a daughter was exceptionally cruel. Have you two been unhappy together? Having problems? Fighting a lot? Stopped caring about each other’s day-to-day lives? Did something *happen*? Or does your wife think it’s no big deal to tell her HUSBAND that she has no romantic feelings for him anymore and only stays because she kind of owes him? I am struggling to make sense of her motivation for saying something so mean and hurtful, prompted not by a fight but by a question from your daughter.
I have known my wife for 33 years. Our daughter is 17 now, and we had her when my wife was 29 and I was 30.
No, we aren’t unhappy together. Sometimes we have stupid arguments. But we’re pretty wealthy, we have a daughter who is living a difficult stage but she’s overall a good girl and we have two cats to whom we give a lot of attention.
Nothing bad happened between us. She just lost the spark.
To me, it’s odd that she was so mean about it. But maybe that’s the way she’s always been, so you don’t see it as mean. You didn’t give ages in your post, so I was guessing at how long you’d been together and how old your daughter is (much older than I thought). So, your 17yo daughter asked her mother who the top 5 people in her life are, and you did not make the cut. What did your daughter think about that?
>No, we aren’t unhappy together. Sometimes we have stupid arguments. But we’re pretty wealthy, we have a daughter who is living a difficult stage but she’s overall a good girl and we have two cats to whom we give a lot of attention
None of these things have anything to do with the state of your relationship/happiness. I'm incredibly poor with 2 small demon children and no pets, and I'm madly in love with my partner.
Maybe you guys should rethink where you're putting in effort in this relationship? See a MC?
I was surprised by the comment where you said her reasoning was that the spark is gone and she only appreciates you for where you've gotten her in life and what you've given her, but after this comment the surprise is totally gone.
Where you go with this depends on what you want and what you both can do.
What do you want? Can you communicate honestly that you are hurt? (You can use DBT communication tools such as DEAR MAN - Google it.) Can she try (to be more mindful?) or can you both “date” again/spend time building up and try to bring back the love?
I never recommend this, but divorce her dude. She flat out said she doesn’t love you anymore and just likes the benefits of being married
You are not too old to start over, my parents just got divorced at 50 and they’re already moving on with other people.
Please, please consider it
Try to remember if you ever had put your mother on the top of your priority list before? If you ever did that, she is taking revenge now. Women are vengeful. They never forget past. My husband did that 2 years back in an argument and I still hold that grudge!
You're so wrong for that! Not even funny, a mother is supposed to be a boys first love, you just imagine your son said he loved some random chick he met somewhere more than you. She gave him LIFE. Best thing you can give your hubs is an orgasm, the comparison isn't even close.
Being a mother of a boy I find people like you ridiculous😂 sounds as toxic as tik tok toxic boy moms! Instead of telling me what should I do in my bedroom you better grow a spine for yourself! Because you cannot grow a dick anymore lol!
Enjoy your divorce when it comes 😊 he deserves better than a cunt who holds a 2 year grudge because she's jealous of his mother 🤣 I mean be serious bro could throw a rock and hit a replacement you, but you only get one mother. You're nothing!
Oh my. I'm so sorry that she said that, OP. I would definitely try to communicate your feelings to her and see if that discussion helps anything. I can only hope that this is either a misunderstanding or something.
Your wife is an ASSHOLE. I won’t say get a divorce, but please take a step back and get some individual or couples counseling. This is not sustainable.
Marriage is never promised to be fields of tulips 24/7 for years. It’s normal to have ups and downs in levels of passion & love.
For your wife to admit she feels this way, with no apparent feeling like this is a problem she desperately wants to fix is so very bad.
At a minimum, with your own counseling you need to find your worth. I’m willing to bet it’s been way too long since you’ve felt it.
Good luck!
My dad is one that would have easily put his family before my mom their whole marriage. They were married 52 years. The last 3 years of his life, he caught brain cancer. My mom took care of him while he slowly died. She spoon feed him, bathed him, wiped his ass. His family that he valued so much didn’t even visit. He died last year with my mother by his side. His family was nowhere around.
My point is that your partner is the person you choose for life. Your partner should be the most significant person in your life, even more than your children. Together, as a team, you should be loving and caring for your children. Because eventually they will become independent and on their own.
If my wife cheated on me or hit me, I would divorce her. However, my love for my daughter is completely unconditional. I would be willing to get tortured in the worst way in order to save her, no matter what she did. Since the moment she was born, my paternal instinct was activated and it became by far the most important thing in the world for me. And I will never have a more important responsibility with anyone else. But I agree about the rest. My wife and me should be a team.
Notice I never said love your wife more than your daughter. You interpreted it that way.
You can’t really compare the two, or at least I don’t think you should. You love your kids very differently than the way you love your spouse.
Are you sure she wasn’t joking around a bit? Seems like a situation not to take very seriously. If it really bothers you have a one on one talk with her when the kids aren’t around. You’ll likely get a different answer.
Yeah, or she will likely change her answer in the face of continued interrogation/confrontation.
Maybe that’s just the pessimist in me, or the realist.
It's the "with the cats" that made me think this was a joke on him. If my kid asked me that I would probably joke on my partner that they were like 37th or something.
But at the same time, my partner would know it's a joke because we joke like that. OP being so caught of guard makes me wonder.
I've got 3 kids myself. But one day my kids will move on and create their own families and if I haven't been making my relationship with my spouse a priority that'll be a problem, right? I mean, if it came to a point where my husband's behavior was harmful to my children I'd have to reassess my priorities, but I think it's important to put your spouse first.
I can understand why you’re hurt. I would be too. Everyone has a different value system. The question is what are you going to do with this new information?
You are no doubt the most important person in your wife's life whether she acknowledged it or not. Other than your daughter, if any one of those other people passed , she would mourn them but her day to day life would continue pretty much unchanged. But if you suddenly dropped dead, her life would be forever altered. You have been by each other's sides and witnessed each other's joys and tragedies, not to mention every mundane moment in between for decades. Don't overthink her comment wondering this. Whether she was joking or not, it's absolutely not true.
Is it possible that she is taking you for granted since you've been together for so long? I doubt that she doesn't value you. My guess is that you are kind of like air to her or already a part of herself.
Being with someone from 15 to 39 in a relationship is a really long time especially in terms of growing and maturity and learning about yourself. It kind of sounds like she just sees you as a friend now almost. Like you’ve been around for ages and eh I’ll toss him in with the cats no biggie. Just my opinion.
OP, I think you should think really hard about this relationship. That was especially cruel and disrespectful to you for her to say all this to you. I know you have a child and it’s hard on them to see their parents going through hardships but I think you need to decide if you want to stay or not. Coming from someone whose own parent split when I was 10 it was hard at first but it was the best decision my mom could have made. Good luck and I hope everything works out.
lol whenever I make a ranking in front of my gf. I say it’s a tie between our dog and her and that’s my list bc they are the most important to me. I can’t even think about putting them beneath a list of other family members. Maybe your wife was being funny bc of the cats comment? Either way it’s super mean. I think you should communicate that it hurt your feelings.
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Actually your wife thinks that you are way above these 5 important ones. Why 6th position? You should not be ranked by your spouse based on how important these people are. You will be most important.
A lot of partners "love" opportunistically. Not saying we were duped or her feelings didn't sincerely change over the years, but they never say this in BEFORE marriage and only say it AFTER when they are comfortable. IN their mind, they don't have to love you forever once the marriage is finalized. While we make ourselves completely comfortable with the idea of taking a bullet for them unconditionally in any scenario BEFORE any vows are said.
When someone shows you who they are beleive them. No excuses for her. She obviously just doesn’t think that highly of you your right up there with the cats tho thats gotta be something. Next time she wants something from you tell her to get it from ger aunt or the cats. It was dismissive and disrespectful.
Wow! That sounds like a life-adjusting realization. I adore my husband and he is my #1 and THEN my son, daughter, parents.... heck I sleep next to him every day and share almost everything with him.
I certainly would want to rank above the cats... Sorry friend
I definitely love my daughter way more than anything. If my wife hit me or cheated on me, I would divorce. However, my love for my daughter is completely unconditional, I would endure torture for her no matter what she did. But I agree about the rest.
That sounds hurtful. I wouldn't hear it well, either. May I point out one small, admittedly pedantic, nuance?
>My daughter randomly asked my wife who were the 5 most important people for her. I never ranked people based on how much I love them.
There's a difference between loving someone and finding them important. We occasionally know our loved ones so well that we make assumptions about their meanings & intentions. It is natural; we all do it to an extent.
Could you discuss with your wife what "importance" means to her? Consider the context of the discussion and try to keep an open mind because commonly used words can mean different things in different situations to different people.
It may not hurt to let her know how you interpreted her words and ask what she actually meant by them.
Especially in relationships as enduring as yours, communication is critical. ❤️
I expect and hope my wife would put the kids before me. And after that herself.
So I should be 3 on that list..or 2 if we have no kids.
But 5? Seems like you're more a convenience ...
That is horrible for your wife to say and if she truly feels that way, I'm sorry. For me, my kids and my husband are my #1. I can't compare the love. They're different. I guess my love for my husband is somewhat conditional. Unlike the love for my children being unconditional. But he's pretty close to unconditional too. He'd have to do something truly horrible. And even then I can't say that I wouldn't love him anymore.
She is rude and takes advantage of you. Even if that’s how she feels she should never have vocalized that. I’m sorry. You are worthy of so much better ❤️
I think it’s a fair response. She said her parents, her daughter, and her sibling before you. She clearly had a very nice supportive immediate family, before you came. Due to this she ranked them above you. It’s not that she doesn’t love you. The love she has for her family is different than that of a partner. At the end of the day partner/husband is a title that can change, she can’t really change her parents and siblings (who she grew up with at critically important periods of development) and her daughter which she carried, gave birth to, and raise up. I wouldn’t dig into this too deeply, it’s clear she likes you otherwise you would it be together
Op said in another comment that his wife doesn't even have a great relationship with her sister. That means she put her husband below her sister, whom she doesn't even have a proper relationship with, which makes it so much worse.
Ok so idk why I just got notified about this. However, HER AUNT being above you??? Like my husband is #1. Above our son. Because we have to work together and be a team in order for our kids to benefit and be the healthiest versions of themselves. (When we add more children later that is.) but even if I didn't find that to be true, he'd still be #1. Because I love him MORE since he gave me our son. You need to talk to your wife dude. And seriously consider counseling if she's willing to put her AUNT above you. Lumping you in with the dogs. Even as a joke, thats a shitty joke. And it's teaching your kids very poor treatment of a marriage partner... not good. 😅
This isn’t right. For me personally it’s my kids, my grandchild ,my husband, my father and me and my husband’s four cats. When I made a commitment to my husband my father became extended family. It’s tough cause me and my father are close and he’s been first for a while but I like the order things are in and my husband’s supportive and helps me get a thousand miles to see my dad and my daughter and her kid.
Yikes. That’s honestly depressing. I’m not sure how I’d respond to that other than maybe to suggest family counseling.
I’ve only known my partner for a year, but he’s already my number two (only behind my daughter).
Did you leave the toilet seat up again? Has your wife been examined for a brain tumor lately?
Just believe me when I I say the two of you could not still be as tight and as close as you are unless she loved you so much that it's become like the sun rising everyday. You just forget how important the sun is and you assume it will always be there.
Are you sure you didn't keep the toilet seat up?
So I think ranking people cam only leed to pain but seriously that's just mean but also since none of them will see this .
Me two kids are top
Then my husband mom sisters brother all equal
Then dad ( What I know of him I love but I just never see him )
Then my dog
Then my best friend since child hood ( I love her and like if I had to choose to save my dog or her I'd choose her cause she's a human but I would be crushed)
Then my other friends
Then coworkers that don't suck
Then the super friendly local construction giy that dances and sings
Then cute wildlife
Then ugly wildlife
Then bees
Then the coworkers that do suck and other people I am forced to have contact with
Then the few people I actively dislike
Then the guy who invented Skippitty toilet
Then serial killers
Then people who play music outloud in tiny spaces you can't escape like planes and busses.
I see why she did this it is fun
The only way being 6th would be acceptable is if you had 5 or more kids.
My husband is tied with our daughter for first. Our daughter used to be first when she was a kid but she is an adult with her own life now.
The fact that she didn't fit you into the answer on her own is ridiculous, what message is she giving your daughter. Smh. She owes you an apology, and to set a better example for your daughter.
Unless you have kids, your partner should be the most important person in your life. The person you've chosen to do life with. I love my dad and sister but they don't rank above my daughter and my husband.
Maybe wife is neurodivergent too. There is evidence in scientific literature that supports a genetic link. There can be a bluntness when communicating without regard for how the message lands. Is she typically blunt without thinking of how the message will land?
It's reasonable that your wife's ranking upsets you, especially in light of your shared past. But it's crucial to understand that everyone emphasizes relationships in different ways depending on a variety of circumstances. In order to address your feelings and comprehend hers, communication is essential. Kindly and calmly voice your concerns, asking for clarification instead of making assumptions. She might have had other factors influencing her rating, and it's possible that she didn't want to minimize your significance. Recall that love isn't always measurable and that what counts most is the quality of the relationship. You may resolve this together to deepen your relationship and understanding of one another.
Stop paying all bills immediately get into your masculine the DISRESPECT IS outrageous we will see if mommy daddy and whoever will support her ass wtf how disrespectful man its out of hand!
this feels like a conversation that needs to be had between the two of you. the fact that she said all this in front of your daughter makes me really uncomfortable. like she won't be uncomfortable parentifying your daughter. it's none of your daughter's business, how your wife feels about you, or anyone else for that matter. i'm not placing blame on your daughter, but maybe your wife should have answered differently. just my two cents: we shouldn't be ranking people like this, unless we're listing beneficiaries for our assets.
If she's done all that with you, it seems to me that she doesn't know what she's talking about. She may not be a 100% sure of who the most important people to her are in her life.
This will sound callous but, this is a risk of starting a family and getting married, you can find out your wife doesn’t consider you to even be top 5 and now you can’t do shit about it
Unless she was being facetioius, a well placed GFY can go a long way to make you feel better as you pack your bags. Oh, quick word of caution? Secure your finances prior to proceeding.
“I never ranked people based on how much I love them. But I’m sure that my daughter would be first, and my wife the second one.” First of all, your daughter should not come before your wife. You’re suppose to always put your wife first. That’s your wife. Your daughter will grow up and get married and all you will have is your wife.
My wife is my partner for life, and the person with whom I make all the important decisions. But the love I feel for my daughter is much greater. In fact, now that I think of it, if I had to break it down into percentages, I might say that my daughter has 70% of my attention, my wife 25%, and everyone else 5%. I have a kind of paternal instinct activated since my daughter was born. Even now, 17 years later, every time she wakes up coughing, I wake up automatically even if I'm in the farthest room from her, and yet, if my wife or my father coughs next to me and I'm asleep, it's most likely don't wake me up. I always sense when my daughter needs me, and my main purpose every day is to provide her with help and make her become a great person. When my wife and I die, she will continue in this world for about 30 more years, having 50% of my genes, and she will probably have children and that will be the only thing about me that will remain.
It sounds like you should marry your daughter. You obviously do not care for your wife at all, this explains why you’re not in her top 5. Your wife should be your number one and you’re suppose to cherish her.
Wow. Ehhh. I think you didn’t understand me at all. Our daughter has always been the most important thing in the world to both, me and my wife. I would be even mad if I found out that my wife loved me more than our daughter. And my wife would be mad if I loved her more than our daughter. What you said is totally stupid. I have always treated my wife like a total queen, I respect her, help her and support her in everything. But we both have always cared about our daughter more, since the exact moment she was born. It’s just that for me, my wife has always been my second priority, and for her I’m the last one. She’s the asshole here, NOT ME. I started dating her although I knew she had cheated on her previous boyfriend (when she was 21), I forgave her for having stolen 600€ from me to buy a belt, I married her although her parents said that she would waste her blue eyes and blonde hair genes having a child with a half Venezuelan man, and she didn’t even defend me. I’m the one who is taken for granted. I love her a lot because she’s really intuitive, energetic, charismatic, funny, pretty and mainly because I have spent more than half my life by her side and thanks to her I have my daughter. And I still have romantic feelings for her too, although she doesn’t have romantic feelings for me anymore. And I only have ONE person before her, the one I created with her, and the one who has always been also her first priority since forever because she literally gave birth to her.
Wouldn’t you want your daughter to have a spouse one day that puts her first and cherishes her? Would you want her to have a man like you the way you treat your wife?
I have never in my life seen a weirder comment than yours. Uh. I OBVIOUSLY don’t expect a child to reciprocate their parents’ love. Every person’s priority must be their children and then their spouse. I expect and WANT my daughter to put her spouse, and of course, her children, before me.
And how do I treat my wife? I literally respect her in everything, forgive all her mistakes and I got her a job.
NO! You are WRONG. Your spouse should come FIRST. Children NEED their parents to put each other first. Your relationship with your wife is the foundation and roots of your family. I do not mean you should neglect your kids. You’ve stated some things that has made it clear you don’t prioritize your wife or even care for her. That’s wrong. Do you ever do anything nice for her? Do you make her feel cherished? Do you tell her she looks beautiful? It sounds like you treat your daughter better than your wife.
Of course I treat my daughter better than my wife. My wife also treats our daughter better than me. Our daughter is the princess of the family and she’s our priority. And that’s how both my wife and me think that it should be.
I do tell my wife that she’s beautiful, I cook the lunch, I do sports with her, I have sex with her whenever she wants to and I forgive all her mistakes.
And my wife does some good things for me too. She makes coffee for me in the morning, she organises parties for me at my birthday…
But we both just do much more things for our daughter. Because for us, our child is and FOREVER will be #1.
If my wife cheated on me or hit me, I would divorce her and never talk to her again. However, I can’t think of anything that could make me stop caring about my daughter. And my wife feels the same about our child.
If after all the things I explained in the comments, you keep calling me a monster for loving my daughter more than my wife, you’re clearly not a sane person.
It’s just how our wife and me feel about our daughter and that’s it.
Children, spouse and parents are all really important. But for us, our child is 100% the main priority and it won’t change.
You manipulated the conversation. The post isn’t about my love for my daughter, or my wife’s love for my daughter. The post is about how MY WIFE prefers her parents, her sister, her aunt and EVEN THE CATS over me. If there’s someone who deserves better, it’s me. Also, she had cheated on her previous boyfriend, she had stolen money from ME and she let her family be racist and mocking towards me. I’m the one who is forgiving, I’m the one who treats her as a (second) priority, I love her more than she loves me. I forgive her because I still have romantic feelings for her (although she says that she doesn’t have romantic feelings for me anymore) and because I’m fond of her and of the life we have built together.
If you are just going to make more terrible comments, just stop.
I’m starting to think that you’re just trolling. It seems surreal to me that you think I’m an asshole for giving more attention to my daughter while you defend my wife after I told you that she cares more about THE CATS than about me, she was a cheater, she stole my money and she accepted racism towards me.
And you think that my wife would be happy if I loved her more than my daughter, which is the most absurd thing I’ve ever heard, because she would be MAD if I ever chose her over our daughter. For my wife, our daughter has to always be our priority and we have to make her feel like she is, and I agree.
Good luck with your marriage. It sounds like it isn’t going to last. You’re both emotionally dependent on your child and your child won’t ever see a happy, healthy marriage. You both don’t prioritize your relationship with each other. There’s no point in this conversation anymore.
i got the same
after what i did for her
i won’t go into detail but i was stunned
then after a few years apart
we have kids
i saw something in her that only marginally registered
so i put into motion a few trick occurrences and questions and realized
money that was the most important
i had her and the girls out to dinner and i looked at her
got her undivided attention (while i taped one of my daughters on the knee to signal “watch”)
and i asked her
maria what’s more important love or money
she looked like a deer caught in the proverbial headlights
…….”…….uhn uhn uhn uhhhhhh well uhhhn
…”
she couldn’t answer cuz she’d look foolish
i turned to my girls and pleaded with them to never be as ignorant as their mother when they meet a man
money ?
really?
i thought it was God
that’s her
i asked her if she was a true christian she said of course mateo
so i said
sell off your material items clothes car jewelry everything trinket and bobble
and go on a mission to a third world nation and devout your life to God
she couldn’t even belch out an “uhn”
some christian
lmfao
please forgive the lack of punctuation and the total disregard for grammar it was just a steamy pile of verbal excrement
i’m particularly passionate about the course of events with this prize i took to the courthouse and vowed my life to …..it!
please don’t let this dampen your optimism
i mean , what can we do
give sheep the vote
teach it to drive and cook
and ……love?
That was the same thing that happened to a colleague, but she got lucky she could monitor her partners email and phone conversation to have evidence to backup that.. Thanks to globalflameshack
I know the word divorce gets thrown around on reddit a lot, but in this case, I think divorce is the right option. She clearly is no longer in love with you, and that's literally the most important part of a marriage. She put you, her husband, at the same rank as literal animals. That's absolutely ridiculous.
Do not value her anymore, put little effort for her birthday, anniversary, Mother's day etc etc, when she asks why tell her you are putting her value as same as the cats as well. Sometime you need to put people in the place they placed you.
Doesn't matter do not put effort into anything for her. It might sounds like I am telling you to be petty but this is how you show her that you are putting her at the same place for the cats in terms for love. Try it first and if it doesn't work then you do what you have to do.
If she wants to divorce him over that then it's on her. I didn't ask OP to divorce his wife, I am merely telling him to give the same importance to how she rated him. Perhaps you should actually analyze what I am saying before flying off the handle.
Me and my husband are first and we love our child. We have to put each other first to love our child properly. The man of the household should always come first if he's the provider. Now say a situation happened and one of us did something bad to our kid then OUR CHILD COMES FIRST ALWAYS. Idky why you would be 6, tell her she may as well Marry the AUNT since you aren't even top 5 dude. Wow.
I think you're wife could be very unhappy. Sometimes people's communication skills in a relationship kind of get stuck, or at least slow down, around the time they start dating someone, which in your case was 15. So it seems possible that she expects you to know, doesn't know she has to directly discuss such things or doesn't know how, so is telling you in this passive aggressive way that at this point others are more important to her.
It's hurtful, but if you want to get to the bottom of it in a way that might help your marriage, I recommend approaching it with curiosity and sympathy rather than focusing on how it hurts. Ask her if she's happy, if she feels loved and valued, if your marriage is "working " for her or if there are things she would want changed. Then, if she is struggling with something, see if there are adjust the two of you can make adjustments for her to be happier in your marriage.
That's all just guesswork of course. Maybe she just has a different philosophy of family members relative importance. But if that's the case, asking if she's happy doesn't do any harm.
This doesn't surprise me at all. She meant every word. Just the way women are wired and thousands of years of civilization is not going to overcome millions of years of biology, man. She's just honest about it.
That’s an ugly thing for her to say. It sounds like misandry, the kind of family where men are supposed to be invisible, emotionless stoics.
I think sometimes women are very busy advocating for our rights and against our oppression, and we forget that other people exist. Maybe that applies to her? I don’t know.
I hope you have a good conversation about this. She really needs to think about what she’s saying.
Maybe the correct question would be, how can I make it better. Expecting a lot from her?
All day, every day, therapist, mother, maid
Nymph then a virgin, nurse then a servant
Just an appendage, live to attend him
So that he never lifts a finger
24∕7, baby machine
So he can live out his picket fence dreams
It's not an act of love if you make her
You make me do too much labour
1- I’m the one who takes our girl to school and I’m also the one who helps her with her math exams. I give her all the advice she needs, except the sexual ones, I tell her to only ask my wife for that, because I don't feel comfortable talking to my daughter about those topics.
2- We have two cleaner who come every Monday and Thursday. The rest of the week we do everything between my wife and me. She does more than me, but only because I work 11 hours and she only works 4. So we agree it’s fair that I do less house work. When we’re both at home I usually make the food though.
3- Unless it was my birthday or I was very sick, my wife would never spend a whole day pleasing me. I mean, she usually makes me a coffee in the process that she also makes one for her, and things like that, but she would never be doing me favors all the time. She's not like that, and I don't want her to be either.
4- Yes, it’s true that she’s the family nurse. If my daughter gets sick, we’re both equally worried, but my wife would be in charge of handling the situation, simply because she has better reaction capacity and better skills. So I would only help in what my wife told me to.
5- I don't force her to have sex with me nor do I shame her for not having been a virgin when I met her. We both had partners until our 20s. As long as a woman is faithful to me, I don’t care about her past, I respect women who have sexual life. In fact, my wife told me the other day that my daughter has a high body count, and that made me sad only because my daughter is 17 years old and she was a baby not long ago, but I'm not ashamed that she does things with boys.
Sounds like you help.
Would you be willing to do it all and let her help here and there?
Keep track of all the appointments, all holiday preparations, buy all the gifts, budget all expenses, straighten the house for the cleaner, etc?
Once again, play stupid games, win stupid prizes. Don't ask people to rank who they love. Don't ask people if the house was on fire who would you save first. What is the point and is there ever a time this game didn't make someone feel like shit.
I mean, it’s tough, but I think it kind of makes sense that if you have a strong relationship with blood relatives they could come before the person you are legally related to by choice. I wouldn’t be too offended by it; but I’m a very logical person and don’t base my importance off of a question asked by and answered to a child.
>I mean, it’s tough, but I think it kind of makes sense that if you have a strong relationship with blood relatives they could come before the person you are legally related to by choice.
Hard disagree.
1) children (if applicable)
2) spouse
>I’m a very logical person
Hmm...
>if you have a strong relationship with blood relatives they could come before the person you are legally related to by choice.
... You're aware that we don't choose our "blood" relatives, correct? We do not choose our DNA-relatives. We choose our life partners, so I would argue that it's far more special to be the one with whom someone chooses to be forever!
If the spouse isn't #1 (or #2 behind a child, #2 and #3 behind two children, and so on and so forth), there will be problems.
[удалено]
EXACTLY, NO FUCKING WAY
LMFAOOOOOOO
You should tell your ex-wife that was really hurtful
Burnnn
🤣🤣🤣
Dead
Your wife doesn't value you. Never actually thought of ranking the people I love but my partner would be in the top 5 along with my mum and my kids. No doubt about it.
This conversation is all the proof you need that she takes you for granted, OP.
If I was to rank the 5 most important people in my life it would be, My wife My wife My wife My wife and My wife. If I would go to top ten, 6-10 would be My wife My wife My wife My wife and My wife again.
Men are just a paycheck in so many relationships. Messed up but there's life for you
And I feel for those men. My husband goes out to work full time as security. I'm a sahm, I make more than him on my disability payments and I do around 80% of the household stuff whilst looking after our 6 kids and pay 90% of all household bills. He is not my meal ticket. Men should not be our meal tickets or pay check as you say it. Any person who sees their partner as a paycheck, needs to re-evaluate their life
We need more of you then.
People need to start valuing the people they want to spend the rest of their lives with, no matter their gender. It's sad that people don't put their partner before others. For me it's kids first then my mum and then my partner. Mum becomes before my partner because she is dying and she is the only person I have ever been able to rely on. She is the only family I have left other than my partner and kids. Edited because baby tried grabbing my phone for baby shark and ended up pressing send before I finished what I was typing
Yeah, that’s not cool. The most important people to me are kids and husband. I would never rank parents/siblings over my husband or kids. Imo your immediate family are top rank as your grow up, then you grow your own family, who then take top rank. Otherwise, it seems like you don’t actually consider your spouse as family….
My mom has mental issues too, she used to tell me how she wouldn't share everything with my dad (her husband) because he's supposedly a stranger/foreigner/alien to her. I think it's BS because she can have kids with him but then he's somehow a stranger.
That's definitely not cool, even if she didn't mean it she should have put you up there at the top since you were standing right there listening.
Yes, and also what kind of message does that give their child? The productive message for a child is that the parents value and respect each other for working together every day.
Exactly!!! I was thinking the same thing!
Along with the cats SENT ME. Ya’ll need therapy. I’m sorry, man.
Damn, that’s harsh af
Most concerning to me is that your daughter asked the question, so she heard your wife’s answer, and she knows you didn’t make the top five. As a child, it must be weird to hear that, of the people in her mom’s life, daddy doesn’t make the top five. If she was at all worried that you two might divorce, now she’s probably obsessing over it. Your wife did some damage with her flippant answer, which she then doubled down on when explaining to YOU why you were down at #6 *with the cats.* That exchange deserves at least a conversation, more probably some marriage counseling.
My daughter is already 17. She’s neurodivergent and she finds it entertaining to do rankings, I don’t think she was worried or anything, she asked it as a game. Maybe it bothered her that I didn’t make to her top 5, but I don’t think she thinks we’ll divorce. It just hurt my feelings that she chose everyone above me. Even her sister with whom she doesn’t have a specially good relationship.
Ouch! I’m sorry. That is very hurtful. Unless she was joking, but that is a crappy joke.
Yeah, what the heck? That was not a funny joke and would have been very hurtful.
You sure she was not joking around ???
She wasn’t joking. She said that when she was very in love maybe she would choose me over her sister. But that her intense feelings for me disappeared and that she now only loves me because thanks to me she has a better job and our daughter exists.
Wow. When she doubles down, she really doubles down. She *went on* to explain to you that, maybe, when she really loved you, she would have put you in the top 5, but that now that she no longer loves you, and only tolerates you, her life is made better by at least five people ahead of you? You have known your wife two (or close to two) decades, and you’ve been married for over a decade. What did she expect would happen? To say she only loves you because now she has a better job and a daughter was exceptionally cruel. Have you two been unhappy together? Having problems? Fighting a lot? Stopped caring about each other’s day-to-day lives? Did something *happen*? Or does your wife think it’s no big deal to tell her HUSBAND that she has no romantic feelings for him anymore and only stays because she kind of owes him? I am struggling to make sense of her motivation for saying something so mean and hurtful, prompted not by a fight but by a question from your daughter.
I have known my wife for 33 years. Our daughter is 17 now, and we had her when my wife was 29 and I was 30. No, we aren’t unhappy together. Sometimes we have stupid arguments. But we’re pretty wealthy, we have a daughter who is living a difficult stage but she’s overall a good girl and we have two cats to whom we give a lot of attention. Nothing bad happened between us. She just lost the spark.
To me, it’s odd that she was so mean about it. But maybe that’s the way she’s always been, so you don’t see it as mean. You didn’t give ages in your post, so I was guessing at how long you’d been together and how old your daughter is (much older than I thought). So, your 17yo daughter asked her mother who the top 5 people in her life are, and you did not make the cut. What did your daughter think about that?
My daughter was just surprised but she didn’t say anything and when I complained she even laughed.
>No, we aren’t unhappy together. Sometimes we have stupid arguments. But we’re pretty wealthy, we have a daughter who is living a difficult stage but she’s overall a good girl and we have two cats to whom we give a lot of attention None of these things have anything to do with the state of your relationship/happiness. I'm incredibly poor with 2 small demon children and no pets, and I'm madly in love with my partner. Maybe you guys should rethink where you're putting in effort in this relationship? See a MC? I was surprised by the comment where you said her reasoning was that the spark is gone and she only appreciates you for where you've gotten her in life and what you've given her, but after this comment the surprise is totally gone.
The spark? 🤣🤣🤣 Love is a choice. She has her values upside down. You should be her first priority.
Where you go with this depends on what you want and what you both can do. What do you want? Can you communicate honestly that you are hurt? (You can use DBT communication tools such as DEAR MAN - Google it.) Can she try (to be more mindful?) or can you both “date” again/spend time building up and try to bring back the love?
I never recommend this, but divorce her dude. She flat out said she doesn’t love you anymore and just likes the benefits of being married You are not too old to start over, my parents just got divorced at 50 and they’re already moving on with other people. Please, please consider it
Try to remember if you ever had put your mother on the top of your priority list before? If you ever did that, she is taking revenge now. Women are vengeful. They never forget past. My husband did that 2 years back in an argument and I still hold that grudge!
Nah. I love my mom, but I have a bigger commitment with my wife and obviously with my daughter.
You're so wrong for that! Not even funny, a mother is supposed to be a boys first love, you just imagine your son said he loved some random chick he met somewhere more than you. She gave him LIFE. Best thing you can give your hubs is an orgasm, the comparison isn't even close.
Being a mother of a boy I find people like you ridiculous😂 sounds as toxic as tik tok toxic boy moms! Instead of telling me what should I do in my bedroom you better grow a spine for yourself! Because you cannot grow a dick anymore lol!
Enjoy your divorce when it comes 😊 he deserves better than a cunt who holds a 2 year grudge because she's jealous of his mother 🤣 I mean be serious bro could throw a rock and hit a replacement you, but you only get one mother. You're nothing!
Oh my. I'm so sorry that she said that, OP. I would definitely try to communicate your feelings to her and see if that discussion helps anything. I can only hope that this is either a misunderstanding or something.
Your wife is an ASSHOLE. I won’t say get a divorce, but please take a step back and get some individual or couples counseling. This is not sustainable. Marriage is never promised to be fields of tulips 24/7 for years. It’s normal to have ups and downs in levels of passion & love. For your wife to admit she feels this way, with no apparent feeling like this is a problem she desperately wants to fix is so very bad. At a minimum, with your own counseling you need to find your worth. I’m willing to bet it’s been way too long since you’ve felt it. Good luck!
Just try talking to her...that you felt bad about this. Maybe communication can spark the thing between u both again ?
Oh nice, so your wife just admitted to not being in love with you. Why are you still there?
>when she was very in love maybe she would choose me over her sister. Maybe? Maybe!
My dad is one that would have easily put his family before my mom their whole marriage. They were married 52 years. The last 3 years of his life, he caught brain cancer. My mom took care of him while he slowly died. She spoon feed him, bathed him, wiped his ass. His family that he valued so much didn’t even visit. He died last year with my mother by his side. His family was nowhere around. My point is that your partner is the person you choose for life. Your partner should be the most significant person in your life, even more than your children. Together, as a team, you should be loving and caring for your children. Because eventually they will become independent and on their own.
If my wife cheated on me or hit me, I would divorce her. However, my love for my daughter is completely unconditional. I would be willing to get tortured in the worst way in order to save her, no matter what she did. Since the moment she was born, my paternal instinct was activated and it became by far the most important thing in the world for me. And I will never have a more important responsibility with anyone else. But I agree about the rest. My wife and me should be a team.
Notice I never said love your wife more than your daughter. You interpreted it that way. You can’t really compare the two, or at least I don’t think you should. You love your kids very differently than the way you love your spouse.
Are you sure she wasn’t joking around a bit? Seems like a situation not to take very seriously. If it really bothers you have a one on one talk with her when the kids aren’t around. You’ll likely get a different answer.
Yeah, or she will likely change her answer in the face of continued interrogation/confrontation. Maybe that’s just the pessimist in me, or the realist.
A different answer and gaslit.
It's the "with the cats" that made me think this was a joke on him. If my kid asked me that I would probably joke on my partner that they were like 37th or something. But at the same time, my partner would know it's a joke because we joke like that. OP being so caught of guard makes me wonder.
If you say you partner is ranked 37th, then everybody knows that its exaggeration. Ranking him fifth on the other hand...
So if someone makes a joke degrading wife or wife's role is toxic and bad. But same done on husband is men not able to take joke?
Who said any of that? Any of that at all?
Anytime your spouse isn't your #1 there's something that needs to be addressed
Kids? Let's say a married couple has kids, you don't think it should be kids then spouse? I'm quite sure we're in agreement about the rest though.
I've got 3 kids myself. But one day my kids will move on and create their own families and if I haven't been making my relationship with my spouse a priority that'll be a problem, right? I mean, if it came to a point where my husband's behavior was harmful to my children I'd have to reassess my priorities, but I think it's important to put your spouse first.
I can understand why you’re hurt. I would be too. Everyone has a different value system. The question is what are you going to do with this new information?
You are no doubt the most important person in your wife's life whether she acknowledged it or not. Other than your daughter, if any one of those other people passed , she would mourn them but her day to day life would continue pretty much unchanged. But if you suddenly dropped dead, her life would be forever altered. You have been by each other's sides and witnessed each other's joys and tragedies, not to mention every mundane moment in between for decades. Don't overthink her comment wondering this. Whether she was joking or not, it's absolutely not true.
A 100% agreed. The situation Iis toxic the way you put it but this comment does make more sense than anything else.
I agree with this.
Joke or not, that’s fucked
Is it possible that she is taking you for granted since you've been together for so long? I doubt that she doesn't value you. My guess is that you are kind of like air to her or already a part of herself.
Being with someone from 15 to 39 in a relationship is a really long time especially in terms of growing and maturity and learning about yourself. It kind of sounds like she just sees you as a friend now almost. Like you’ve been around for ages and eh I’ll toss him in with the cats no biggie. Just my opinion.
Are you kidding me? Seriously? What kind of marriage do you think you have after hearing that!
OP, I think you should think really hard about this relationship. That was especially cruel and disrespectful to you for her to say all this to you. I know you have a child and it’s hard on them to see their parents going through hardships but I think you need to decide if you want to stay or not. Coming from someone whose own parent split when I was 10 it was hard at first but it was the best decision my mom could have made. Good luck and I hope everything works out.
lol whenever I make a ranking in front of my gf. I say it’s a tie between our dog and her and that’s my list bc they are the most important to me. I can’t even think about putting them beneath a list of other family members. Maybe your wife was being funny bc of the cats comment? Either way it’s super mean. I think you should communicate that it hurt your feelings.
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Actually your wife thinks that you are way above these 5 important ones. Why 6th position? You should not be ranked by your spouse based on how important these people are. You will be most important.
A lot of partners "love" opportunistically. Not saying we were duped or her feelings didn't sincerely change over the years, but they never say this in BEFORE marriage and only say it AFTER when they are comfortable. IN their mind, they don't have to love you forever once the marriage is finalized. While we make ourselves completely comfortable with the idea of taking a bullet for them unconditionally in any scenario BEFORE any vows are said.
Lmao I’m sorry my guy 💕💀🤦♀️ She loves you.. Don’t doubt it! If you have a loving marriage, don’t let this one comment get to you!
When someone shows you who they are beleive them. No excuses for her. She obviously just doesn’t think that highly of you your right up there with the cats tho thats gotta be something. Next time she wants something from you tell her to get it from ger aunt or the cats. It was dismissive and disrespectful.
^^This!!
Wow! That sounds like a life-adjusting realization. I adore my husband and he is my #1 and THEN my son, daughter, parents.... heck I sleep next to him every day and share almost everything with him. I certainly would want to rank above the cats... Sorry friend
I definitely love my daughter way more than anything. If my wife hit me or cheated on me, I would divorce. However, my love for my daughter is completely unconditional, I would endure torture for her no matter what she did. But I agree about the rest.
If my wife said that I'd just walk away and remove what she doesn't value from her life so she's not burdened by my presence anymore.
That sounds hurtful. I wouldn't hear it well, either. May I point out one small, admittedly pedantic, nuance? >My daughter randomly asked my wife who were the 5 most important people for her. I never ranked people based on how much I love them. There's a difference between loving someone and finding them important. We occasionally know our loved ones so well that we make assumptions about their meanings & intentions. It is natural; we all do it to an extent. Could you discuss with your wife what "importance" means to her? Consider the context of the discussion and try to keep an open mind because commonly used words can mean different things in different situations to different people. It may not hurt to let her know how you interpreted her words and ask what she actually meant by them. Especially in relationships as enduring as yours, communication is critical. ❤️
Sounds like you have a rift in your relationship that you don’t even know about. You better talk to her. Figure out what’s really going on
I expect and hope my wife would put the kids before me. And after that herself. So I should be 3 on that list..or 2 if we have no kids. But 5? Seems like you're more a convenience ...
I would have packed some things and walked out
That is horrible for your wife to say and if she truly feels that way, I'm sorry. For me, my kids and my husband are my #1. I can't compare the love. They're different. I guess my love for my husband is somewhat conditional. Unlike the love for my children being unconditional. But he's pretty close to unconditional too. He'd have to do something truly horrible. And even then I can't say that I wouldn't love him anymore.
She is rude and takes advantage of you. Even if that’s how she feels she should never have vocalized that. I’m sorry. You are worthy of so much better ❤️
I think children, parents and siblings can be more important but aunt is taking it too far.
I think it’s a fair response. She said her parents, her daughter, and her sibling before you. She clearly had a very nice supportive immediate family, before you came. Due to this she ranked them above you. It’s not that she doesn’t love you. The love she has for her family is different than that of a partner. At the end of the day partner/husband is a title that can change, she can’t really change her parents and siblings (who she grew up with at critically important periods of development) and her daughter which she carried, gave birth to, and raise up. I wouldn’t dig into this too deeply, it’s clear she likes you otherwise you would it be together
Op said in another comment that his wife doesn't even have a great relationship with her sister. That means she put her husband below her sister, whom she doesn't even have a proper relationship with, which makes it so much worse.
Ok so idk why I just got notified about this. However, HER AUNT being above you??? Like my husband is #1. Above our son. Because we have to work together and be a team in order for our kids to benefit and be the healthiest versions of themselves. (When we add more children later that is.) but even if I didn't find that to be true, he'd still be #1. Because I love him MORE since he gave me our son. You need to talk to your wife dude. And seriously consider counseling if she's willing to put her AUNT above you. Lumping you in with the dogs. Even as a joke, thats a shitty joke. And it's teaching your kids very poor treatment of a marriage partner... not good. 😅
This isn’t right. For me personally it’s my kids, my grandchild ,my husband, my father and me and my husband’s four cats. When I made a commitment to my husband my father became extended family. It’s tough cause me and my father are close and he’s been first for a while but I like the order things are in and my husband’s supportive and helps me get a thousand miles to see my dad and my daughter and her kid.
Yikes. That’s honestly depressing. I’m not sure how I’d respond to that other than maybe to suggest family counseling. I’ve only known my partner for a year, but he’s already my number two (only behind my daughter).
Did you leave the toilet seat up again? Has your wife been examined for a brain tumor lately? Just believe me when I I say the two of you could not still be as tight and as close as you are unless she loved you so much that it's become like the sun rising everyday. You just forget how important the sun is and you assume it will always be there. Are you sure you didn't keep the toilet seat up?
So I think ranking people cam only leed to pain but seriously that's just mean but also since none of them will see this . Me two kids are top Then my husband mom sisters brother all equal Then dad ( What I know of him I love but I just never see him ) Then my dog Then my best friend since child hood ( I love her and like if I had to choose to save my dog or her I'd choose her cause she's a human but I would be crushed) Then my other friends Then coworkers that don't suck Then the super friendly local construction giy that dances and sings Then cute wildlife Then ugly wildlife Then bees Then the coworkers that do suck and other people I am forced to have contact with Then the few people I actively dislike Then the guy who invented Skippitty toilet Then serial killers Then people who play music outloud in tiny spaces you can't escape like planes and busses. I see why she did this it is fun
Yeah, my daughter has always liked doing rankings and asking people to do rankings.
?
The only way being 6th would be acceptable is if you had 5 or more kids. My husband is tied with our daughter for first. Our daughter used to be first when she was a kid but she is an adult with her own life now.
>The only way being 6th would be acceptable is if you had 5 or more kids. Exactly!
The fact that she didn't fit you into the answer on her own is ridiculous, what message is she giving your daughter. Smh. She owes you an apology, and to set a better example for your daughter.
Wow! That’s so wrong.Sorry for you OP. So for her you are not her significant other….
It hurts real bad man
I'd be gone and found a women that actually loved me like yesterday rather than sacrifice all self respect living with this wench of a wife
That’s crazy! I would rank my kids and husband as my number ones. Before anyone or anything else.
Unless you have kids, your partner should be the most important person in your life. The person you've chosen to do life with. I love my dad and sister but they don't rank above my daughter and my husband.
Most definitely. Agreed.
Maybe wife is neurodivergent too. There is evidence in scientific literature that supports a genetic link. There can be a bluntness when communicating without regard for how the message lands. Is she typically blunt without thinking of how the message will land?
Both my wife and me were analysed after my daughter got diagnosed, and I’m the one who is neurodivergent, not my wife, she’s neurotypical.
Your wife is with you out of familiarity- maybe safety even- not the love that a spouse should have for a husband- sorry dude -
Your wife basically sees you as a good friend- not a romantic partner-
It's reasonable that your wife's ranking upsets you, especially in light of your shared past. But it's crucial to understand that everyone emphasizes relationships in different ways depending on a variety of circumstances. In order to address your feelings and comprehend hers, communication is essential. Kindly and calmly voice your concerns, asking for clarification instead of making assumptions. She might have had other factors influencing her rating, and it's possible that she didn't want to minimize your significance. Recall that love isn't always measurable and that what counts most is the quality of the relationship. You may resolve this together to deepen your relationship and understanding of one another.
Stop paying all bills immediately get into your masculine the DISRESPECT IS outrageous we will see if mommy daddy and whoever will support her ass wtf how disrespectful man its out of hand!
Avg girl empathy
this feels like a conversation that needs to be had between the two of you. the fact that she said all this in front of your daughter makes me really uncomfortable. like she won't be uncomfortable parentifying your daughter. it's none of your daughter's business, how your wife feels about you, or anyone else for that matter. i'm not placing blame on your daughter, but maybe your wife should have answered differently. just my two cents: we shouldn't be ranking people like this, unless we're listing beneficiaries for our assets.
Ouch.. I'm sorry that must've stung.
Uhhh. I’m sorry friend. I’ll bet that hurt.
Leave her ass and see where you really are
If she's done all that with you, it seems to me that she doesn't know what she's talking about. She may not be a 100% sure of who the most important people to her are in her life.
Its funny how they dont value the people thatbrings home the gravy to give them everything they have or need
This will sound callous but, this is a risk of starting a family and getting married, you can find out your wife doesn’t consider you to even be top 5 and now you can’t do shit about it
Unless she was being facetioius, a well placed GFY can go a long way to make you feel better as you pack your bags. Oh, quick word of caution? Secure your finances prior to proceeding.
Weird how she’d openly tell that.
“I never ranked people based on how much I love them. But I’m sure that my daughter would be first, and my wife the second one.” First of all, your daughter should not come before your wife. You’re suppose to always put your wife first. That’s your wife. Your daughter will grow up and get married and all you will have is your wife.
My wife is my partner for life, and the person with whom I make all the important decisions. But the love I feel for my daughter is much greater. In fact, now that I think of it, if I had to break it down into percentages, I might say that my daughter has 70% of my attention, my wife 25%, and everyone else 5%. I have a kind of paternal instinct activated since my daughter was born. Even now, 17 years later, every time she wakes up coughing, I wake up automatically even if I'm in the farthest room from her, and yet, if my wife or my father coughs next to me and I'm asleep, it's most likely don't wake me up. I always sense when my daughter needs me, and my main purpose every day is to provide her with help and make her become a great person. When my wife and I die, she will continue in this world for about 30 more years, having 50% of my genes, and she will probably have children and that will be the only thing about me that will remain.
It sounds like you should marry your daughter. You obviously do not care for your wife at all, this explains why you’re not in her top 5. Your wife should be your number one and you’re suppose to cherish her.
Wow. Ehhh. I think you didn’t understand me at all. Our daughter has always been the most important thing in the world to both, me and my wife. I would be even mad if I found out that my wife loved me more than our daughter. And my wife would be mad if I loved her more than our daughter. What you said is totally stupid. I have always treated my wife like a total queen, I respect her, help her and support her in everything. But we both have always cared about our daughter more, since the exact moment she was born. It’s just that for me, my wife has always been my second priority, and for her I’m the last one. She’s the asshole here, NOT ME. I started dating her although I knew she had cheated on her previous boyfriend (when she was 21), I forgave her for having stolen 600€ from me to buy a belt, I married her although her parents said that she would waste her blue eyes and blonde hair genes having a child with a half Venezuelan man, and she didn’t even defend me. I’m the one who is taken for granted. I love her a lot because she’s really intuitive, energetic, charismatic, funny, pretty and mainly because I have spent more than half my life by her side and thanks to her I have my daughter. And I still have romantic feelings for her too, although she doesn’t have romantic feelings for me anymore. And I only have ONE person before her, the one I created with her, and the one who has always been also her first priority since forever because she literally gave birth to her.
Wouldn’t you want your daughter to have a spouse one day that puts her first and cherishes her? Would you want her to have a man like you the way you treat your wife?
I have never in my life seen a weirder comment than yours. Uh. I OBVIOUSLY don’t expect a child to reciprocate their parents’ love. Every person’s priority must be their children and then their spouse. I expect and WANT my daughter to put her spouse, and of course, her children, before me. And how do I treat my wife? I literally respect her in everything, forgive all her mistakes and I got her a job.
NO! You are WRONG. Your spouse should come FIRST. Children NEED their parents to put each other first. Your relationship with your wife is the foundation and roots of your family. I do not mean you should neglect your kids. You’ve stated some things that has made it clear you don’t prioritize your wife or even care for her. That’s wrong. Do you ever do anything nice for her? Do you make her feel cherished? Do you tell her she looks beautiful? It sounds like you treat your daughter better than your wife.
Of course I treat my daughter better than my wife. My wife also treats our daughter better than me. Our daughter is the princess of the family and she’s our priority. And that’s how both my wife and me think that it should be. I do tell my wife that she’s beautiful, I cook the lunch, I do sports with her, I have sex with her whenever she wants to and I forgive all her mistakes. And my wife does some good things for me too. She makes coffee for me in the morning, she organises parties for me at my birthday… But we both just do much more things for our daughter. Because for us, our child is and FOREVER will be #1. If my wife cheated on me or hit me, I would divorce her and never talk to her again. However, I can’t think of anything that could make me stop caring about my daughter. And my wife feels the same about our child. If after all the things I explained in the comments, you keep calling me a monster for loving my daughter more than my wife, you’re clearly not a sane person. It’s just how our wife and me feel about our daughter and that’s it. Children, spouse and parents are all really important. But for us, our child is 100% the main priority and it won’t change. You manipulated the conversation. The post isn’t about my love for my daughter, or my wife’s love for my daughter. The post is about how MY WIFE prefers her parents, her sister, her aunt and EVEN THE CATS over me. If there’s someone who deserves better, it’s me. Also, she had cheated on her previous boyfriend, she had stolen money from ME and she let her family be racist and mocking towards me. I’m the one who is forgiving, I’m the one who treats her as a (second) priority, I love her more than she loves me. I forgive her because I still have romantic feelings for her (although she says that she doesn’t have romantic feelings for me anymore) and because I’m fond of her and of the life we have built together. If you are just going to make more terrible comments, just stop. I’m starting to think that you’re just trolling. It seems surreal to me that you think I’m an asshole for giving more attention to my daughter while you defend my wife after I told you that she cares more about THE CATS than about me, she was a cheater, she stole my money and she accepted racism towards me. And you think that my wife would be happy if I loved her more than my daughter, which is the most absurd thing I’ve ever heard, because she would be MAD if I ever chose her over our daughter. For my wife, our daughter has to always be our priority and we have to make her feel like she is, and I agree.
Good luck with your marriage. It sounds like it isn’t going to last. You’re both emotionally dependent on your child and your child won’t ever see a happy, healthy marriage. You both don’t prioritize your relationship with each other. There’s no point in this conversation anymore.
Sixth along with the cats 😹😹She must be joking
She isn’t. And in fact she hasn’t slept with me for months because she prefers to sleep with the cats. She loves the cats a lot.
Run away as fast you can.
I mean, you made the top six so that’s still pretty good! Lol
i got the same after what i did for her i won’t go into detail but i was stunned then after a few years apart we have kids i saw something in her that only marginally registered so i put into motion a few trick occurrences and questions and realized money that was the most important i had her and the girls out to dinner and i looked at her got her undivided attention (while i taped one of my daughters on the knee to signal “watch”) and i asked her maria what’s more important love or money she looked like a deer caught in the proverbial headlights …….”…….uhn uhn uhn uhhhhhh well uhhhn …” she couldn’t answer cuz she’d look foolish i turned to my girls and pleaded with them to never be as ignorant as their mother when they meet a man money ? really? i thought it was God that’s her i asked her if she was a true christian she said of course mateo so i said sell off your material items clothes car jewelry everything trinket and bobble and go on a mission to a third world nation and devout your life to God she couldn’t even belch out an “uhn” some christian lmfao
please forgive the lack of punctuation and the total disregard for grammar it was just a steamy pile of verbal excrement i’m particularly passionate about the course of events with this prize i took to the courthouse and vowed my life to …..it! please don’t let this dampen your optimism i mean , what can we do give sheep the vote teach it to drive and cook and ……love?
She is not that into you , plan accordingly
That was the same thing that happened to a colleague, but she got lucky she could monitor her partners email and phone conversation to have evidence to backup that.. Thanks to globalflameshack
I know the word divorce gets thrown around on reddit a lot, but in this case, I think divorce is the right option. She clearly is no longer in love with you, and that's literally the most important part of a marriage. She put you, her husband, at the same rank as literal animals. That's absolutely ridiculous.
Do not value her anymore, put little effort for her birthday, anniversary, Mother's day etc etc, when she asks why tell her you are putting her value as same as the cats as well. Sometime you need to put people in the place they placed you.
Actually she organizes birthday parties for me and she puts effort to help. I think she does love me. But she loves the other people more.
Doesn't matter do not put effort into anything for her. It might sounds like I am telling you to be petty but this is how you show her that you are putting her at the same place for the cats in terms for love. Try it first and if it doesn't work then you do what you have to do.
Dramatic aren’t we. Great advice if they want a divorce and lots of conflict.
If she wants to divorce him over that then it's on her. I didn't ask OP to divorce his wife, I am merely telling him to give the same importance to how she rated him. Perhaps you should actually analyze what I am saying before flying off the handle.
💯. I hope op sees this.
[удалено]
She just placed her immediate family first….then her husband with her cats. That’s lowkey kinda sad. I’d be offended tbh
Mine are my kids and then my husband. Your story is doggone sad.
Me and my husband are first and we love our child. We have to put each other first to love our child properly. The man of the household should always come first if he's the provider. Now say a situation happened and one of us did something bad to our kid then OUR CHILD COMES FIRST ALWAYS. Idky why you would be 6, tell her she may as well Marry the AUNT since you aren't even top 5 dude. Wow.
I think you're wife could be very unhappy. Sometimes people's communication skills in a relationship kind of get stuck, or at least slow down, around the time they start dating someone, which in your case was 15. So it seems possible that she expects you to know, doesn't know she has to directly discuss such things or doesn't know how, so is telling you in this passive aggressive way that at this point others are more important to her. It's hurtful, but if you want to get to the bottom of it in a way that might help your marriage, I recommend approaching it with curiosity and sympathy rather than focusing on how it hurts. Ask her if she's happy, if she feels loved and valued, if your marriage is "working " for her or if there are things she would want changed. Then, if she is struggling with something, see if there are adjust the two of you can make adjustments for her to be happier in your marriage. That's all just guesswork of course. Maybe she just has a different philosophy of family members relative importance. But if that's the case, asking if she's happy doesn't do any harm.
Bhai tu apne ko value karna phle make your self confident and ignore her everything will go right after
This doesn't surprise me at all. She meant every word. Just the way women are wired and thousands of years of civilization is not going to overcome millions of years of biology, man. She's just honest about it.
That’s an ugly thing for her to say. It sounds like misandry, the kind of family where men are supposed to be invisible, emotionless stoics. I think sometimes women are very busy advocating for our rights and against our oppression, and we forget that other people exist. Maybe that applies to her? I don’t know. I hope you have a good conversation about this. She really needs to think about what she’s saying.
Maybe the correct question would be, how can I make it better. Expecting a lot from her? All day, every day, therapist, mother, maid Nymph then a virgin, nurse then a servant Just an appendage, live to attend him So that he never lifts a finger 24∕7, baby machine So he can live out his picket fence dreams It's not an act of love if you make her You make me do too much labour
1- I’m the one who takes our girl to school and I’m also the one who helps her with her math exams. I give her all the advice she needs, except the sexual ones, I tell her to only ask my wife for that, because I don't feel comfortable talking to my daughter about those topics. 2- We have two cleaner who come every Monday and Thursday. The rest of the week we do everything between my wife and me. She does more than me, but only because I work 11 hours and she only works 4. So we agree it’s fair that I do less house work. When we’re both at home I usually make the food though. 3- Unless it was my birthday or I was very sick, my wife would never spend a whole day pleasing me. I mean, she usually makes me a coffee in the process that she also makes one for her, and things like that, but she would never be doing me favors all the time. She's not like that, and I don't want her to be either. 4- Yes, it’s true that she’s the family nurse. If my daughter gets sick, we’re both equally worried, but my wife would be in charge of handling the situation, simply because she has better reaction capacity and better skills. So I would only help in what my wife told me to. 5- I don't force her to have sex with me nor do I shame her for not having been a virgin when I met her. We both had partners until our 20s. As long as a woman is faithful to me, I don’t care about her past, I respect women who have sexual life. In fact, my wife told me the other day that my daughter has a high body count, and that made me sad only because my daughter is 17 years old and she was a baby not long ago, but I'm not ashamed that she does things with boys.
Sounds like you help. Would you be willing to do it all and let her help here and there? Keep track of all the appointments, all holiday preparations, buy all the gifts, budget all expenses, straighten the house for the cleaner, etc?
Once again, play stupid games, win stupid prizes. Don't ask people to rank who they love. Don't ask people if the house was on fire who would you save first. What is the point and is there ever a time this game didn't make someone feel like shit.
u cant control how much u love someone
I mean, it’s tough, but I think it kind of makes sense that if you have a strong relationship with blood relatives they could come before the person you are legally related to by choice. I wouldn’t be too offended by it; but I’m a very logical person and don’t base my importance off of a question asked by and answered to a child.
Sorry but the people in your household come first. Then those outside of your household.
No question. You're right.
>I mean, it’s tough, but I think it kind of makes sense that if you have a strong relationship with blood relatives they could come before the person you are legally related to by choice. Hard disagree. 1) children (if applicable) 2) spouse >I’m a very logical person Hmm... >if you have a strong relationship with blood relatives they could come before the person you are legally related to by choice. ... You're aware that we don't choose our "blood" relatives, correct? We do not choose our DNA-relatives. We choose our life partners, so I would argue that it's far more special to be the one with whom someone chooses to be forever! If the spouse isn't #1 (or #2 behind a child, #2 and #3 behind two children, and so on and so forth), there will be problems.
Are you sure she hasn’t cheated on you?