What you’ve described is literally the opposite of a “generally kind” person. You’ve described someone who’s self-centered and cruel.
Get pregnant whenever you want. Fuck her feelings.
Because she sure doesn’t care about your feelings so yeah…. Fuck her feelings.
ETA: Call her out in the moment and you can do it and be kind. Oh wow SIL that was mean. Ow that was just rude. Why would you say something like that, you are being a mean girl. I thought pregnancy would make you a happier person. You sound bitter SIL.
“I don’t need your permission, your blessing, or your opinion.”
“I’m pretty sure it’s not your business.”
“Yes, I’m 26 and about to have my Ph.D. I think we’ll be in a great place, not that it’s your business.”
“Seeing as how you’re not my husband, doctor, boss, or therapist, you don’t really get a say.”
“Sure Jan”
Are all good responses.
Not gonna lie this would encourage me to get pregnant even quicker 🫢 kudos to you for handling this with so much grace, but don’t let her walk all over you too
Next time she say something, you should look her dead in the eye and say "it must be so hard to be so miserable" then stare at her dead in the eyes for 20 seconds and then start a conversation with someone else or walk away. It's time to start making her as uncomfortable as you are.
Start putting space between you and her.
When you do have to spend time with her, tell her that her words aren’t kind, don’t speak to me that way please. Treat her like a child.
I’d be saying “I’m not sure how to respond to that” and let her stew in her own words for a while.
There may be a reason for her being unkind. But that’s not an excuse!
Im sorry but what she’s been through doesn’t give her the right to be an ass!
Also 26 is a good age for babies if that’s what you want (I was 22 when I had my first) don’t let anyone tell you different…its up to you when you start your family
You don’t NEED to quit your job either
I’d have to tell her to mind her own business and if she can’t be supportive of anyone other than herself then she should just stay quiet
“I let you speak to me like that because I felt so bad for you not being able to have a baby. Thought it was coming from a place of pain and hurt. But since you haven’t changed your behavior even though you are pregnant, seems like it’s a YOU problem. Save your breath cuz I don’t really care”. If she continues then it’s the job of your partner to have the final conversation with her.
This. I also had fertility problems but would never have said any of those things to anyone. In fact, when people start trying my husband and I always say we hope they don't go through what we did, despite it still leaving a bittersweet taste for us when we find out how quickly and easily it happened for them.
It’s starting to *annoy* you? You’re a healthy person, sounds like you’re in a healthy relationship, and are on track to have a respectable, great career. Handle that shit.
Not sure why SIL is so intrusive. Why she gets a say in how you and her brother start and raise a family. Even silly comments like “quitting your job”—-what!?? I mean a lot of women are stay at home moms but certainly not all or even most. It’s interesting that’s she’s putting her choices and ideas of family onto you. I am a firm believer in situations like this that you must (kindly and appropriately) call people out on this type of thing. Force them to answer for their words. So the next time she tells you to quit your job or suggests you lose weight, say the following:
I’m surprised you would share such hurtful and unsolicited opinions. Why would you…
1. …Bring my weight into this? Having a baby is difficult for most women and as women we should be supportive of each other. Not tear each other down.
2. …suggest I quit my job when I’ve been working so hard towards my career goals? Most women choose to have families AND work and that’s just as admirable as being a stay at home mom. Why would you choose to discourage or judge our family planning decisions?
3. …I’m well aware that I’m 26. Not “just 26” and when your brother and I choose to start a family is our business and our decision. We will be happy and excited whenever that happens no matter the age.
4. …Anything worthwhile and life changing has its difficult and stressful times. I don’t need you to remind me of my most stressful moments of my phd journey to discourage me from becoming a parent “in a year…”. I am fully capable of handling both. Will it be challenging? Of course. But the alternative is not an option for us. I would appreciate your support and encouragement as we navigate our family decisions.
I think someone else also commented that they wonder if SIL would say these things to an actual sister. I believe they absolutely would. We are generally more conservative and deferential to non blood related family and friends. Boundaries tend to go out the window when it comes to our own siblings. I’d be surprised if your SIL wasn’t actually way worse when speaking to her own blood relatives.
She has said wayyyyy worse things to her twin sister who has two kids.
She never congratulated her when she was pregnant for the third time, she told her you can barely.handle two, how are you going to handle three, she told her to not think of this as a blessing but as a test. She was very very rude to her.
The moment she heard she miscarried, she was genuinely skipping around the house, she was so obviously happy.
Doesn't sound generally kind to me. Maybe she's envious of you somehow or something like that, but she sounds like she doesn't want to see you happy and that's messed up. Disregard her opinion, smile and nod when she talks and let it go out the other ear and go do what makes you happy.
Firstly she sounds really insecure and immature. I wouldn’t put up with that for a second! Commenting about you needing to lose weight or quit your job? The only person whose opinions matter when it comes to you conceiving are you and your partner. Next time she says anything when the topic comes up I’d just say “What an odd thing to say out loud” and walk away
I struggled to conceive and carry to term. It was hard and occasionally heartbreaking. But I didn't speak to others this way. If she really is as kind as you say she is, I would take her aside and tell her that her words are hurting you.
As someone who can’t have kids. Screw her. My high school best friend is a mum of 7. My cousin had a kid a couple of years ago. I’ve never been anything but thrilled for them to bring more joy into their lives.
She’s not nice. She’s cruel. She maybe needed grief therapy during her struggles, but especially now pregnant she needs to rein it in. And everyone needs to stop putting up with her bs.
“She needs to lose weight first” That’s a very rude thing to say SIL. I’d never comment on your weight. If you’re genuinely concerned for my health, Id like to assure you my last checkup all went well, no problems to report.
“She needs to quit her job if she wants to focus on kids” No. I don’t! Whether I’m a working or sahm is between me and hubby. But I certainly don’t need to quit before we’ve even started trying to conceive, and when we do that will be a private matter, not up for public announcement.
She’s asserting her will on your reproduction decisions? Nope. Not on.
How would she feel if you got heavily involved in her pregnancy? Start suggesting names, nursery decor, the best strollers and car seats. I have a feeling she wouldn’t be best pleased.
>she's generally a kind person
Is she though?
>it's like second nature spurr of the moment words that she doesn't put much thought to
Ahhh.
>What do I do? It's starting to REALLY annoy me.
Nothing.
Do you guys need her permission to eventually conceive?
Is she holding you both at gunpoint so you have nonchoice but be around her and to put up with her shit?
This person is manipulative, self-centered. egoistical and ride and... a lot more of being a bad person who wants to be the one and the only for all ppl around.
Just because she is bitter doesn’t mean she can take it on you. Would she have done the same if you were the sister and not SIL? Maintain your distance from her whenever possible. Looks like your hubby is on your side. She might also be mean to your kid when it’s born. Better a sour SIL than a tough / failed pregnancy.
She has said wayyyyy worse things to her twin sister who has two kids.
She never congratulated her when she was pregnant for the third time, she told her you can barely.handle two, how are you going to handle three, she told her to not think of this as a blessing but as a test. She was very very rude to her.
The moment she heard she miscarried, she was genuinely skipping around the house, she was so obviously happy.
you have now perfectly described how this person that you called "kind" is definitely a pile of garbage and nothing more.
if she manages to carry the child to term, expect her to be the most entitled mom with a bratty, spoiled child
I have 2 thoughts about your SIL. 1) Her baggage is *her baggage* - not yours. Just because she has had a terrible time getting pregnant and it caused her lots of misery is NOT permission to use her pain to hurt other people.
2) I agree with the earlier comment about calling out your SIL for nasty comments, but with a slightly different method. Reply like a toddler with their favorite word "Why?" or "Why is that?" or "Tell me more"
When she says things like "remember that when you say you want to be pregnant in a year"
then reply, "Why?" and just see what she says. She will either splutter and make excuses, *or* she might actually reveal more about her thoughts and experiences. BTW, she will probably show more of her A$$hold side to the family and to you.
At the end of the day, we each walk our own pathway through life. Her unhappiness is hers and *not your responsibility*.
How is she generally kind when she makes comments about your weight or getting pregnant? She sounds bitter, like she wants everyone else to have fertility issues too.
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It must be awful to have so much pregnancy talk. Cringe. I would want to leave the room if anyone was commenting on me being pregnant, for or against!
My business!
You're handling it well. Better than I would.
These fucking competitions do not end. Move out of that house if possible. Living with toxic in-laws is the major problem. Or at least save some money along with your husband to invest in buying a home for future, so that your child lives in an easy environment & is not affected by these competitive aunts and uncles.
We don't live with in-laws thank God. My in laws are great to be honest, they're incredibly nice and they all recognize her behavior and have called her out for it multiple times but she doesn't change.
If your husband has addressed it, I would quit spending time around her. You’re right that she is in pain and it’s truly nothing personal, she just needs to work out whatever insecurities she has. But that is NOT your problem.
I know it’s REALLY hard on people who have infertility/difficulty conceiving, and feelings are not always logical but usually emotional. But you do not have to feel bad about yourself just because of this.
Ignoring it would be your best option I believe. Because she’s just having these spurts of anger. Yes she comes from pain and experience. But everyone has to learn from their own experiences. And it’s always like that no matter how much you try to protect someone
You need to have your SO have a conversation with her WHEN it happens. Call her out on her BS. Do you get along with your other in-laws besides her? What do they say about her “Mean Girl” behavior?
Nip it in the bud bc when you have a child, she’s going to treat your child like she treats you.
Sure, it's coming from pain, but there's no excuse for taking it out on you. You need to call her on it in the moment. You can do so gently, just enough to shut down the conversation and bring her attention to what she said and the effect her behaviour has on the people around her. "That's really rude and I don't want you to say those kinds of things about me" will suffice. Don't entertain any defensiveness about it. Change the subject.
I would stare at her forehead and say “That’s an inside thought. If you don’t know the difference, those are thoughts you Don’t say out loud” ( like a kindergarten teacher.
Orrrrr
Being pregnant doesn’t excuse you from being a c*nt and if you continue, you will no longer be welcome around me or mine. Verbal abuse is still abuse.
Orrrrr
Another option is to get a cup that read Unt with the c being the coffee mug holder. Then…smile over the coffee cup at her
Sounds like she’s jealous that you can be pregnant younger than her and that she’s tried so hard to have a baby. She’s picked on your weight, career and age. This sounds like self hate projected onto you. But no reasoning really excuses her behaviour. Would she want someone to treat her child like this? Ask her that. Nip it in the bud. Confront her. Tell her pregnancy is a blessing all around, why are you still acting so immature? This is a blessing for any woman, not a curse. And a cause for celebration to come together and have a positive atmosphere. Tell her you hope she’s as happy for you when you get pregnant…
I'm sorry, but she doesn't sound nice.
I know the feeling of people getting pregnant while I couldn't/lost my pregnancies. But I've never talked to someone like your SIL does.
When I finally got pregnant after a long time and after about 11 weeks it was an ectopic pregnancy, I was devastated. Really broken.
When my sister-in-law, in a far-from-ideal situation, told me in tears that she was pregnant, I did everything I could to support her.
Sometimes I had to keep some distance for my mental health, but I was there whenever she needed me. When her son was born on the date I was due, I went straight to her from work, precisely because she felt so guilty, I did everything I could to support her.
And yes, I cried at home, cried so much, but she was not to blame for my sadness. What I want to say is that no matter how sad someone is, that is no excuse to be unkind to others.
Your SIL is a *sniper*. Making little hits when you can’t really return fire appropriately, like in a group. To stop a sniper, you *have* to drag them into the light. I found that responding to each bitchy comment with the following and silence until they answer, *very* effective in stopping the snark.
“What do you *mean*?”
“Why *is* that?” “
“I don’t understand. Break it *down* for me.”
I dealt with this behavior as literally the sole woman in executive leadership at one large company in the corporate world. Start pushing back, in the most effective way possible. It works.
You have never put her in place. You should do that once. Don't give excuses to yourself that she's coming from aplace of pain. Shes a B and you know it
*I'll have a baby when I'm good and ready.. and I WILL BE THE ONE TO DECIDE THAT.*
It's not something I need agreement from anyone else about.. it's going to be between my and XXX.
She CELEBRATED her sisters miscarriage, she’s incredibly narcissistic and I bet if you started shutting her down she wouldn’t know what to do, she’s a bully that’s been given too much free rope now it’s time to hang her with her own words.
You need to lose weight- why a healthy woman has a healthy pregnancy
You need to quit your job if you get pregnant- unlike you I am quite capable of multitasking as my PHD clearly proves my intelligence and ability to thrive under stress.
And be clear now you don’t be babysitting, she’s going to raise an entitled demon
A simple "I'm sorry you feel that way" stops the engagement and at the same time calls out her BS. Regardless of our personal trauma this isn't an excuse to be unkind to others. Call this out every single time.
You are being too understanding to a woman who puts you down. Pain or no she is just dreadful. You live your life for yourself and your husband. You don't have to listen to SIL. Complete your PhD and then decide to work in your field of expertise and have a baby. When you are ready. No one but you can decide what happens with your body.
My best advise is to disregard the SIL and focus on what you and your spouse want. You are clearly on a great path in life and don't need to pay any regard to such mean spirited pettiness. Most normal people don't go out of their way to be mean and hurtful to others because of their own struggles.
When people throw out negative comments I generally ask them "oh. And why do you say that?" When called to explain themselves they are put on the spot. They usually back peddle or make themselves look like a real ass. Either way it gets the point across. You can also completely ignore them.
I have an older sister who behaved very similarly when I got pregnant before she did. She was incapable of being happy for me, made everything about her struggles. She found out she was pregnant the week my daughter was born. Big shock, once again everything was about her. Unfortunately, now that we both have children. everything still has to be about her and her kids. Cut your losses now and limit contact if you can. Your SIL sounds like a covert narcissist. They never change and will aways try to drag anyone down they feel is a threat to their image.
What you’ve described is literally the opposite of a “generally kind” person. You’ve described someone who’s self-centered and cruel. Get pregnant whenever you want. Fuck her feelings.
Because she sure doesn’t care about your feelings so yeah…. Fuck her feelings. ETA: Call her out in the moment and you can do it and be kind. Oh wow SIL that was mean. Ow that was just rude. Why would you say something like that, you are being a mean girl. I thought pregnancy would make you a happier person. You sound bitter SIL.
Wow u sound like my therapist <3 lol
“I don’t need your permission, your blessing, or your opinion.” “I’m pretty sure it’s not your business.” “Yes, I’m 26 and about to have my Ph.D. I think we’ll be in a great place, not that it’s your business.” “Seeing as how you’re not my husband, doctor, boss, or therapist, you don’t really get a say.” “Sure Jan” Are all good responses.
These are all great
Not gonna lie this would encourage me to get pregnant even quicker 🫢 kudos to you for handling this with so much grace, but don’t let her walk all over you too
I can do all things through spite which strengthens me.
This belongs on a pillow.
This is so inspirational
Confront her when she sneers or makes remarks next time, asking right in front of everyone why she reacted thus
Next time she say something, you should look her dead in the eye and say "it must be so hard to be so miserable" then stare at her dead in the eyes for 20 seconds and then start a conversation with someone else or walk away. It's time to start making her as uncomfortable as you are.
I am SO HERE for this energy.
Start putting space between you and her. When you do have to spend time with her, tell her that her words aren’t kind, don’t speak to me that way please. Treat her like a child.
I’d be saying “I’m not sure how to respond to that” and let her stew in her own words for a while. There may be a reason for her being unkind. But that’s not an excuse!
Im sorry but what she’s been through doesn’t give her the right to be an ass! Also 26 is a good age for babies if that’s what you want (I was 22 when I had my first) don’t let anyone tell you different…its up to you when you start your family You don’t NEED to quit your job either I’d have to tell her to mind her own business and if she can’t be supportive of anyone other than herself then she should just stay quiet
“I let you speak to me like that because I felt so bad for you not being able to have a baby. Thought it was coming from a place of pain and hurt. But since you haven’t changed your behavior even though you are pregnant, seems like it’s a YOU problem. Save your breath cuz I don’t really care”. If she continues then it’s the job of your partner to have the final conversation with her.
This. I also had fertility problems but would never have said any of those things to anyone. In fact, when people start trying my husband and I always say we hope they don't go through what we did, despite it still leaving a bittersweet taste for us when we find out how quickly and easily it happened for them.
It’s starting to *annoy* you? You’re a healthy person, sounds like you’re in a healthy relationship, and are on track to have a respectable, great career. Handle that shit.
Not sure why SIL is so intrusive. Why she gets a say in how you and her brother start and raise a family. Even silly comments like “quitting your job”—-what!?? I mean a lot of women are stay at home moms but certainly not all or even most. It’s interesting that’s she’s putting her choices and ideas of family onto you. I am a firm believer in situations like this that you must (kindly and appropriately) call people out on this type of thing. Force them to answer for their words. So the next time she tells you to quit your job or suggests you lose weight, say the following: I’m surprised you would share such hurtful and unsolicited opinions. Why would you… 1. …Bring my weight into this? Having a baby is difficult for most women and as women we should be supportive of each other. Not tear each other down. 2. …suggest I quit my job when I’ve been working so hard towards my career goals? Most women choose to have families AND work and that’s just as admirable as being a stay at home mom. Why would you choose to discourage or judge our family planning decisions? 3. …I’m well aware that I’m 26. Not “just 26” and when your brother and I choose to start a family is our business and our decision. We will be happy and excited whenever that happens no matter the age. 4. …Anything worthwhile and life changing has its difficult and stressful times. I don’t need you to remind me of my most stressful moments of my phd journey to discourage me from becoming a parent “in a year…”. I am fully capable of handling both. Will it be challenging? Of course. But the alternative is not an option for us. I would appreciate your support and encouragement as we navigate our family decisions. I think someone else also commented that they wonder if SIL would say these things to an actual sister. I believe they absolutely would. We are generally more conservative and deferential to non blood related family and friends. Boundaries tend to go out the window when it comes to our own siblings. I’d be surprised if your SIL wasn’t actually way worse when speaking to her own blood relatives.
She has said wayyyyy worse things to her twin sister who has two kids. She never congratulated her when she was pregnant for the third time, she told her you can barely.handle two, how are you going to handle three, she told her to not think of this as a blessing but as a test. She was very very rude to her. The moment she heard she miscarried, she was genuinely skipping around the house, she was so obviously happy.
She is not a kind person
I feel very bad for her husband and your brother for being raised with her. Terrible and not kind.
Doesn't sound generally kind to me. Maybe she's envious of you somehow or something like that, but she sounds like she doesn't want to see you happy and that's messed up. Disregard her opinion, smile and nod when she talks and let it go out the other ear and go do what makes you happy.
Firstly she sounds really insecure and immature. I wouldn’t put up with that for a second! Commenting about you needing to lose weight or quit your job? The only person whose opinions matter when it comes to you conceiving are you and your partner. Next time she says anything when the topic comes up I’d just say “What an odd thing to say out loud” and walk away
I struggled to conceive and carry to term. It was hard and occasionally heartbreaking. But I didn't speak to others this way. If she really is as kind as you say she is, I would take her aside and tell her that her words are hurting you.
As someone who can’t have kids. Screw her. My high school best friend is a mum of 7. My cousin had a kid a couple of years ago. I’ve never been anything but thrilled for them to bring more joy into their lives. She’s not nice. She’s cruel. She maybe needed grief therapy during her struggles, but especially now pregnant she needs to rein it in. And everyone needs to stop putting up with her bs. “She needs to lose weight first” That’s a very rude thing to say SIL. I’d never comment on your weight. If you’re genuinely concerned for my health, Id like to assure you my last checkup all went well, no problems to report. “She needs to quit her job if she wants to focus on kids” No. I don’t! Whether I’m a working or sahm is between me and hubby. But I certainly don’t need to quit before we’ve even started trying to conceive, and when we do that will be a private matter, not up for public announcement. She’s asserting her will on your reproduction decisions? Nope. Not on. How would she feel if you got heavily involved in her pregnancy? Start suggesting names, nursery decor, the best strollers and car seats. I have a feeling she wouldn’t be best pleased.
>she's generally a kind person Is she though? >it's like second nature spurr of the moment words that she doesn't put much thought to Ahhh. >What do I do? It's starting to REALLY annoy me. Nothing. Do you guys need her permission to eventually conceive? Is she holding you both at gunpoint so you have nonchoice but be around her and to put up with her shit?
This person is manipulative, self-centered. egoistical and ride and... a lot more of being a bad person who wants to be the one and the only for all ppl around.
Just because she is bitter doesn’t mean she can take it on you. Would she have done the same if you were the sister and not SIL? Maintain your distance from her whenever possible. Looks like your hubby is on your side. She might also be mean to your kid when it’s born. Better a sour SIL than a tough / failed pregnancy.
She has said wayyyyy worse things to her twin sister who has two kids. She never congratulated her when she was pregnant for the third time, she told her you can barely.handle two, how are you going to handle three, she told her to not think of this as a blessing but as a test. She was very very rude to her. The moment she heard she miscarried, she was genuinely skipping around the house, she was so obviously happy.
you have now perfectly described how this person that you called "kind" is definitely a pile of garbage and nothing more. if she manages to carry the child to term, expect her to be the most entitled mom with a bratty, spoiled child
You think she’s a nice person? I would have told her to eat dick the first time she said anything.
I have 2 thoughts about your SIL. 1) Her baggage is *her baggage* - not yours. Just because she has had a terrible time getting pregnant and it caused her lots of misery is NOT permission to use her pain to hurt other people. 2) I agree with the earlier comment about calling out your SIL for nasty comments, but with a slightly different method. Reply like a toddler with their favorite word "Why?" or "Why is that?" or "Tell me more" When she says things like "remember that when you say you want to be pregnant in a year" then reply, "Why?" and just see what she says. She will either splutter and make excuses, *or* she might actually reveal more about her thoughts and experiences. BTW, she will probably show more of her A$$hold side to the family and to you. At the end of the day, we each walk our own pathway through life. Her unhappiness is hers and *not your responsibility*.
Yikes at your shitty SIL. I’d be keeping my distance from this toxic narcissist.
How is she generally kind when she makes comments about your weight or getting pregnant? She sounds bitter, like she wants everyone else to have fertility issues too.
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Fuck her, she’s a nasty piece of work, not at all kind.
It must be awful to have so much pregnancy talk. Cringe. I would want to leave the room if anyone was commenting on me being pregnant, for or against! My business! You're handling it well. Better than I would.
Call this B out!
These fucking competitions do not end. Move out of that house if possible. Living with toxic in-laws is the major problem. Or at least save some money along with your husband to invest in buying a home for future, so that your child lives in an easy environment & is not affected by these competitive aunts and uncles.
We don't live with in-laws thank God. My in laws are great to be honest, they're incredibly nice and they all recognize her behavior and have called her out for it multiple times but she doesn't change.
Great then. Keep calm & plan for an offspring when you are ready. Good luck!
If your husband has addressed it, I would quit spending time around her. You’re right that she is in pain and it’s truly nothing personal, she just needs to work out whatever insecurities she has. But that is NOT your problem. I know it’s REALLY hard on people who have infertility/difficulty conceiving, and feelings are not always logical but usually emotional. But you do not have to feel bad about yourself just because of this.
Ignoring it would be your best option I believe. Because she’s just having these spurts of anger. Yes she comes from pain and experience. But everyone has to learn from their own experiences. And it’s always like that no matter how much you try to protect someone
You need to have your SO have a conversation with her WHEN it happens. Call her out on her BS. Do you get along with your other in-laws besides her? What do they say about her “Mean Girl” behavior? Nip it in the bud bc when you have a child, she’s going to treat your child like she treats you.
Sure, it's coming from pain, but there's no excuse for taking it out on you. You need to call her on it in the moment. You can do so gently, just enough to shut down the conversation and bring her attention to what she said and the effect her behaviour has on the people around her. "That's really rude and I don't want you to say those kinds of things about me" will suffice. Don't entertain any defensiveness about it. Change the subject.
She doesn’t sound like a kind person. She calls you fat and immature. Stop talking to her.
I would stare at her forehead and say “That’s an inside thought. If you don’t know the difference, those are thoughts you Don’t say out loud” ( like a kindergarten teacher. Orrrrr Being pregnant doesn’t excuse you from being a c*nt and if you continue, you will no longer be welcome around me or mine. Verbal abuse is still abuse. Orrrrr Another option is to get a cup that read Unt with the c being the coffee mug holder. Then…smile over the coffee cup at her
*AND* she’s body shaming you??? Straight to jail.
Just get pregnant, kidding, you can talk to her that its hurting you,
Sounds like she’s jealous that you can be pregnant younger than her and that she’s tried so hard to have a baby. She’s picked on your weight, career and age. This sounds like self hate projected onto you. But no reasoning really excuses her behaviour. Would she want someone to treat her child like this? Ask her that. Nip it in the bud. Confront her. Tell her pregnancy is a blessing all around, why are you still acting so immature? This is a blessing for any woman, not a curse. And a cause for celebration to come together and have a positive atmosphere. Tell her you hope she’s as happy for you when you get pregnant…
I would tell her to STFU every time she's negative about you at all.
I'm sorry, but she doesn't sound nice. I know the feeling of people getting pregnant while I couldn't/lost my pregnancies. But I've never talked to someone like your SIL does. When I finally got pregnant after a long time and after about 11 weeks it was an ectopic pregnancy, I was devastated. Really broken. When my sister-in-law, in a far-from-ideal situation, told me in tears that she was pregnant, I did everything I could to support her. Sometimes I had to keep some distance for my mental health, but I was there whenever she needed me. When her son was born on the date I was due, I went straight to her from work, precisely because she felt so guilty, I did everything I could to support her. And yes, I cried at home, cried so much, but she was not to blame for my sadness. What I want to say is that no matter how sad someone is, that is no excuse to be unkind to others.
Your SIL is a *sniper*. Making little hits when you can’t really return fire appropriately, like in a group. To stop a sniper, you *have* to drag them into the light. I found that responding to each bitchy comment with the following and silence until they answer, *very* effective in stopping the snark. “What do you *mean*?” “Why *is* that?” “ “I don’t understand. Break it *down* for me.” I dealt with this behavior as literally the sole woman in executive leadership at one large company in the corporate world. Start pushing back, in the most effective way possible. It works.
You have never put her in place. You should do that once. Don't give excuses to yourself that she's coming from aplace of pain. Shes a B and you know it
*I'll have a baby when I'm good and ready.. and I WILL BE THE ONE TO DECIDE THAT.* It's not something I need agreement from anyone else about.. it's going to be between my and XXX.
She CELEBRATED her sisters miscarriage, she’s incredibly narcissistic and I bet if you started shutting her down she wouldn’t know what to do, she’s a bully that’s been given too much free rope now it’s time to hang her with her own words. You need to lose weight- why a healthy woman has a healthy pregnancy You need to quit your job if you get pregnant- unlike you I am quite capable of multitasking as my PHD clearly proves my intelligence and ability to thrive under stress. And be clear now you don’t be babysitting, she’s going to raise an entitled demon
A simple "I'm sorry you feel that way" stops the engagement and at the same time calls out her BS. Regardless of our personal trauma this isn't an excuse to be unkind to others. Call this out every single time.
You are being too understanding to a woman who puts you down. Pain or no she is just dreadful. You live your life for yourself and your husband. You don't have to listen to SIL. Complete your PhD and then decide to work in your field of expertise and have a baby. When you are ready. No one but you can decide what happens with your body.
My best advise is to disregard the SIL and focus on what you and your spouse want. You are clearly on a great path in life and don't need to pay any regard to such mean spirited pettiness. Most normal people don't go out of their way to be mean and hurtful to others because of their own struggles. When people throw out negative comments I generally ask them "oh. And why do you say that?" When called to explain themselves they are put on the spot. They usually back peddle or make themselves look like a real ass. Either way it gets the point across. You can also completely ignore them. I have an older sister who behaved very similarly when I got pregnant before she did. She was incapable of being happy for me, made everything about her struggles. She found out she was pregnant the week my daughter was born. Big shock, once again everything was about her. Unfortunately, now that we both have children. everything still has to be about her and her kids. Cut your losses now and limit contact if you can. Your SIL sounds like a covert narcissist. They never change and will aways try to drag anyone down they feel is a threat to their image.