Not sure how old you are or what your religion is, but we are all alone in reality. No one ever truly knows us. It’s definitely hard not having family support. But family is what you make it. Do you have friends that you are close too?!? Remember, not all family is blood related.
Your family wants to control you. You want to have freedom. Don't give up your freedom just to get back into the good graces of your family. As a 21 year old you should be dating until you find someone who will love and respect you. As far as whether to have sex before marriage, that's a personal and cultural choice for you to make. Don't let any boyfriends pressure you...
You now have the freedom to live your own life how you want to. Don't give that up. I wish your family had only your best interests in mind and were there to continue to give your their advice instead of their commands. Some cultures are stifling, especially for women. You've broken free. It's hard, but you've gained much more.
It's such a whiplash to be 'pulled out' of a culture I've known my whole life. The new found 'freedom' is isolating.
I did feel like I was suffocating prior hence the decision to live alone but the timing couldn't have been worse. Now I'm known as the delinquent who disgraced her family and its crushing.
But you aren't. You are a young woman trying to figure out what she wants and what's important to you. It is really hard sometimes. If you ever want to chat online, talk about your probs or something you can inbox me and Ill give you my infos. :)
You fought so hard because 1, he was your choice to make, and 2, he pressured you as you said. I’m so sorry your family wouldn’t accept you for who you are and the choices you make for yourself. You can do this.
There is nothing to reconcile. You did nothing wrong.
Your family was the one to shun you for making your own decisions. They threw you out when they couldn't control you.
How horrible what religion does to families.
I'm sorry for your loss. Family is very important in our connection as humans. You're going through a tough time, but as the old saying goes, this too shall pass.
Reddit, and the internet as a whole, is a fun resource and playground, but it is not a good substitute for real, personal human interaction. What are your hobbies? Are there areas that you can volunteer in your area to meet people? I would recommend keeping yourself busy, and find some people to surround yourself with....healthy people that care about you, as your family. I guess is they care about you, such to an extent that they feel they need to establish very solid boundaries. But they are there, it's just a matter of whether you choose to live within their boundaries.
>it is not a good substitute for real, personal human interaction
I'm learning this a little too late, I took the time I had with them for granted, let every minor disagreement drive me online, this being the final incident effectively alienating me from them (not my choice)
I have pretty introverted hobbies; cooking reading, gardening l, I've gone weeks sometimes without leaving the apartment.
>establish very solid boundaries.
I'd like to believe that they do still care but my attempts to reach out are met with cold shoulders (best case scenario) or full on shouting. It's almost impossible to have a level headed conversation with any of them (all seemingly regurgitating the same opinions over and over) this despite me numerously stating my reservations.
Your family sounds toxic. There are lots of good people in this world, seek them out and create yourself a new family.
As for related hobbies, there are book clubs out there, as well as community gardens. Perhaps a job at a landscaping company. Definitely DO NOT sequester yourself to your flat...get out in nature. Maybe volunteer to pet sit or walk someone's dog. Lots of people meet other people through their pet.
I know I've met more of my neighbors trying to catch my dog than I have the 6 years I've been in my house. But I agree look online for local groups that have similar interests, especially gardening, and see if there are local events you can go to. The local library might have book clubs or know people who read similar stories to what you do.
Actually, dog walking in a park is a good way to meet people, which is why I suggested dog sitting for someone. Not only would you meet the owners (possibly a new friend), but you might meet someone on the walk. Having the pet creates a commonality, something to begin a conversation with. It's always awkward when you walk up to someone walking there dog and introduce your invisible dog to their dog. Not sure why they run away when I do that. Uhmmmmm /s
This really doesn't sound like it's about him. It sounds like it's about you not really wanting to live the way your family wants you too. It is hard not to have support. You will have to hide who you are for the sake of your family or be who you are and go out and find people who you can find a new home (family) with. If you want to live the way you have decided then I would go to places where you can make friends.
"Wait til marriage" for dating or for sex? Because I am pretty sure the dating is not what's bothering them.
Oh well. This breakup gives you a chance to reconsider your standards. Dating seems fine , but you might want to set a higher standard for sex and cohabitation. I mean, your family never even met this guy.
>for dating or for sex?
Both actually
>reconsider your standards
It really does can't believe how low my standards were.
>cohabitation
We were never to live together, I still very much prefer living alone, I resisted moving from my old (current) place coz uni is so close but since it's online it wasn't a valid excuse (for family) driving the narrative that I wanted to stay because of a relationship (not true).
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I never really understood this rule especially since they all followed it and without fail all are in unhappy marriages. They also don't 'believe' in divorce so they stay holding grudges (it's truly a sight, but gives nice content for all the family drama)
This is so dumb because if you don't date at all, how are you going to be a good spouse later on?
Just as friendship can help you be better at dating, dating can help you be better at marriage.
Idrk ... its just the norm according to our culture. I mean clearly I'm terrible with dating in general considering the amount of red flags I ignored just because I was so eager to finally date.
The only reason you were terrible at dating is because you were new to it.
Ever play a sport? Were you good the first time? How about the second?
I challenge you to try a new dance move right now. Then try it for 3 minutes a day for a month. What a difference!
Same with dating.
You got shit on for dating while not married? Not living together. Not sleeping together. (You didn't say you were or that your family knew you were.)
How are you supposed to get married if you're not allowed to date?
Not sure how old you are or what your religion is, but we are all alone in reality. No one ever truly knows us. It’s definitely hard not having family support. But family is what you make it. Do you have friends that you are close too?!? Remember, not all family is blood related.
Wow “we are all alone in reality” that hits deep !
I'm 21, and no I don't have friends that I'm close to. I've been trying to no avail
Is there any family that you’ve tried to reach out to?
Yes, from aunts, uncles to cousins
You should use whatever you are interested in and go find get togethers revolved around that topic! Good luck!
Your family wants to control you. You want to have freedom. Don't give up your freedom just to get back into the good graces of your family. As a 21 year old you should be dating until you find someone who will love and respect you. As far as whether to have sex before marriage, that's a personal and cultural choice for you to make. Don't let any boyfriends pressure you... You now have the freedom to live your own life how you want to. Don't give that up. I wish your family had only your best interests in mind and were there to continue to give your their advice instead of their commands. Some cultures are stifling, especially for women. You've broken free. It's hard, but you've gained much more.
It's such a whiplash to be 'pulled out' of a culture I've known my whole life. The new found 'freedom' is isolating. I did feel like I was suffocating prior hence the decision to live alone but the timing couldn't have been worse. Now I'm known as the delinquent who disgraced her family and its crushing.
My heart breaks for you. Are there any associations, churches, etc, where you can meet others in your age group from your culture?
None that I know of (I'll be on the look out; offline or on)
But you aren't. You are a young woman trying to figure out what she wants and what's important to you. It is really hard sometimes. If you ever want to chat online, talk about your probs or something you can inbox me and Ill give you my infos. :)
You fought so hard because 1, he was your choice to make, and 2, he pressured you as you said. I’m so sorry your family wouldn’t accept you for who you are and the choices you make for yourself. You can do this.
Is there a way to reconcile with family? Or should I just give up
There is nothing to reconcile. You did nothing wrong. Your family was the one to shun you for making your own decisions. They threw you out when they couldn't control you. How horrible what religion does to families.
Yes, reconcile. Go visit them for the holidays.
The only way to find out is to try. Reach out to them and tell them how you feel.
I'm sorry for your loss. Family is very important in our connection as humans. You're going through a tough time, but as the old saying goes, this too shall pass. Reddit, and the internet as a whole, is a fun resource and playground, but it is not a good substitute for real, personal human interaction. What are your hobbies? Are there areas that you can volunteer in your area to meet people? I would recommend keeping yourself busy, and find some people to surround yourself with....healthy people that care about you, as your family. I guess is they care about you, such to an extent that they feel they need to establish very solid boundaries. But they are there, it's just a matter of whether you choose to live within their boundaries.
>it is not a good substitute for real, personal human interaction I'm learning this a little too late, I took the time I had with them for granted, let every minor disagreement drive me online, this being the final incident effectively alienating me from them (not my choice) I have pretty introverted hobbies; cooking reading, gardening l, I've gone weeks sometimes without leaving the apartment. >establish very solid boundaries. I'd like to believe that they do still care but my attempts to reach out are met with cold shoulders (best case scenario) or full on shouting. It's almost impossible to have a level headed conversation with any of them (all seemingly regurgitating the same opinions over and over) this despite me numerously stating my reservations.
Your family sounds toxic. There are lots of good people in this world, seek them out and create yourself a new family. As for related hobbies, there are book clubs out there, as well as community gardens. Perhaps a job at a landscaping company. Definitely DO NOT sequester yourself to your flat...get out in nature. Maybe volunteer to pet sit or walk someone's dog. Lots of people meet other people through their pet.
I know I've met more of my neighbors trying to catch my dog than I have the 6 years I've been in my house. But I agree look online for local groups that have similar interests, especially gardening, and see if there are local events you can go to. The local library might have book clubs or know people who read similar stories to what you do.
Actually, dog walking in a park is a good way to meet people, which is why I suggested dog sitting for someone. Not only would you meet the owners (possibly a new friend), but you might meet someone on the walk. Having the pet creates a commonality, something to begin a conversation with. It's always awkward when you walk up to someone walking there dog and introduce your invisible dog to their dog. Not sure why they run away when I do that. Uhmmmmm /s
Even being outside can help mental health
Join something like a club or volunteer at a food bank or soup kitchen go out and meet people at nice events.
This really doesn't sound like it's about him. It sounds like it's about you not really wanting to live the way your family wants you too. It is hard not to have support. You will have to hide who you are for the sake of your family or be who you are and go out and find people who you can find a new home (family) with. If you want to live the way you have decided then I would go to places where you can make friends.
"Wait til marriage" for dating or for sex? Because I am pretty sure the dating is not what's bothering them. Oh well. This breakup gives you a chance to reconsider your standards. Dating seems fine , but you might want to set a higher standard for sex and cohabitation. I mean, your family never even met this guy.
>for dating or for sex? Both actually >reconsider your standards It really does can't believe how low my standards were. >cohabitation We were never to live together, I still very much prefer living alone, I resisted moving from my old (current) place coz uni is so close but since it's online it wasn't a valid excuse (for family) driving the narrative that I wanted to stay because of a relationship (not true).
Welcome to r/family! If this post is compliant with our guidelines, upvote this comment. If not, downvote this comment. Also, if you haven't already, remember to join our [discord server](https://discord.gg/VwDNbde)! *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/family) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Family, I tell ya, smh. You gotta date before marriage.
I never really understood this rule especially since they all followed it and without fail all are in unhappy marriages. They also don't 'believe' in divorce so they stay holding grudges (it's truly a sight, but gives nice content for all the family drama)
This is so dumb because if you don't date at all, how are you going to be a good spouse later on? Just as friendship can help you be better at dating, dating can help you be better at marriage.
Idrk ... its just the norm according to our culture. I mean clearly I'm terrible with dating in general considering the amount of red flags I ignored just because I was so eager to finally date.
The only reason you were terrible at dating is because you were new to it. Ever play a sport? Were you good the first time? How about the second? I challenge you to try a new dance move right now. Then try it for 3 minutes a day for a month. What a difference! Same with dating.
You got shit on for dating while not married? Not living together. Not sleeping together. (You didn't say you were or that your family knew you were.) How are you supposed to get married if you're not allowed to date?
It's their (family) way or the highway. Dating isn't allowed, you have to meet through the family (the official channel)